Hello, children. And now it's time for our story. Oh, and this is a very good
story. It's really hot and sexy. You might want
mommy and daddy to listen to this one too.
It's called "Beauty and the Beast."
No one understands us. Maybe they don't try. They never see the strength in us that keeps our love alive.
Whenever we're together, whenever we must part, the loving way you look at me comes strictly from the heart.
I turn to you, you look away. I forget what I had to say. All I know is you're the one for me.
Oh, why do they say we were never meant to be?
All I know is we have something no one else can see.
'Cause in my eyes you're beautiful to me.
Kisses are forever, and you never cry. And if you can't be next to me, I know you'll always try.
Never mind the heartache, forget about the pain, and always realize...
Once upon a time, there was a poor village. And in this village was a poor cottage.
And in the cottage lived a very poor man, Lyle Nautipini.
I'm not poor, I'm just... I'm between pictures.
Yeah, right.
Lyle Nautipini was a peddler who often traveled to different realms to sell his wares.
Alas and alack, his wife had died some years before, leaving two daughters to care for.
--Excuse me. --Yes?
Don't you think maybe the folks could just follow along on their own from here on out?
They could probably figure things out, okay?
Very well.
She drives me crazy.
Eliza, sweetheart, dearest. It's your father. I'm preparing to go on my next journey.
Eliza?
Eliza! --What is it, Father?
--That's your father. I must flee. --Ignore him, little John.
I'm going to be going on my journey now. I thought I would check with you and see if there's anything I might get you.
Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
Uh, what is it?
Um, some jewels, um, some of that mine called wine, oh, and a big salami!
Uh, yes, dearest. If I can, I will. It's a little bit much, but I'll try.
Well, just bring me back something good, or else.
Yes, dear. Mop-a-lil, daughter! Beauty, excuse me. I just, I was going to just come and see you now.
I'm getting ready to go on my long journey, and I'll see you. --I shall miss you, my father.
Well, you know, how much I love you, and I'd really like to get you a, you know, a special gift of some kind, and bring it back from the trip, and things for a little bit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, between pictures, I know, but you have already given me the greatest gift a father could give a daughter.
To be raised in a wonderful, wholesome, clean home.
Well, I just, I, but I'd like to give you whatever you desire, you know, anything. I mean, I might do well. I could sell a good, grow some leeches, or a lot of eyes, or buy the plain t-shirts, you know, if possible.
--Well, I would like a rose, a beautiful rose. --A rose?
--That would make me very happy. --It's a rose.
Well, I'll see what I can do. I'll really try. Well, okay. Now, you beware of the lepers, and don't you let in any more trolls like you did last time, okay?
--Yes, father. --Okay, fine. --Brother, you have a nice journey. --Yes, dearest. There you go, yep.
--You can shove that in there later, father. --Yes, yes. There's my hat, it's not quite this. Thank you, dear.
Goodbye. --Bye, dad. --Yes, excuse me.
This is a weird little school, this day and age.
Oh, well, I tell you something, I saw a dwarf in the forest one time in Sherman Forest,
hopping this way to a princess, except, uh, I call it the derpy style.
Okay.
I got you a big one for me, little John.
I was just sitting up there and I just couldn't wait any longer. I want you, you're so beautiful.
Who are you? --I'm Mother Goose.
Mother Goose?
Wow.
You're just the best little mother I ever knew.
Oh, now I am going to turn you into a pumpkin and eat you.
All right. Over there, my baby.
Come for me. Come for me. Come for me. I can't finish the story without you, come for me.
Damn fairy tales.
Well, several days later, Lyle Notapinny started to make his way home.
He had done quite poorly in his peddling, and to top it all off, a very clever con man had taken his last penny.
He had sold him some beans.
He had heard about a man, Jack, who climbed a beanstalk and made a fortune, but stupid Lyle didn't realize it was just a fairy tale.
Finally, just when his tired feet could carry him no more, he came upon a beautiful castle.
I wonder if the friendly baron dwells therein that might take a poor traveler who's got a long and weary voyage here.
I'll check therein and see.
A knight, David, you're a fiend.
A thousand apologies, my dear Deborah. Here, let me help you.
Such are the wages of chivalry.
You're a knight in shitty armor.
As Shakespeare was saying, in about two hundred years, methinks you protest too much.
Why do you resist me so? After all, we're the same, you and I. Poor and passionate.
I'll do better than you. You just wait and see.
One day my love will come here and take me away from all this, but not before kicking your arse.
We've worked here in close quarters for three years and yet you still prefer some phantom prince to me.
After all, a cock in the hand is worth two in the bush.
That's a bird, you low life.
Everyone has their pet name for it.
You know what you are? You're a knave and a scoundrel.
You know my goal is to leave this dump and to marry someone like our master, handsome prince.
But he isn't handsome. He's beastly.
No, but deep inside he's beautiful.
You say.
Get back to work. I don't pay you sixpence a week to rut like weasels on my floor.
Yes, my lord.
My good woman.
I'm a weary traveler who would see how to stay here and get some lodging after a long trip.
Well, I don't see why not, but it's up to me after.
Who's at the door, Deborah?
It's a weary traveler of great body and charm who wishes lodging for the evening.
Do you play games?
Well, a little. I'm not very good at it.
Great. Enter my good man.
I must warn you.
Oh, the floor's slippery. There's danger here.
I'm going to have to work for my supper. I'll chop some wood.
No, I said ah, expecting to get your name.
Lyle, not again.
Mr. Lyle, I must warn you.
The master is very sensitive and he has a short fuse.
He mustn't gasp, but you're really sort of devotion when you first see his face.
Why would I be so rude? My goodness. I mean, I'm not an oh for sure mannered peasant.
Hello, I'm Lord Beastington and you are?
I'm Lyle.
Holy shit, Jesus Christ, mother of God.
Holy shit, Jesus Christ, mother of God. Interesting name. Religious, yet decadent.
Problem?
Too big, too big.
Oh, really? You know, I studied a little bit of dentistry in my youth.
Yes, here, let me see, let me see.
Not bad, not bad. Could use a little cleaning and maybe some braces on those lower incisors.
You know, most people think braces are for children, but I've worn them up until just recently.
They've done wonders for my smile.
Beautiful. Well, if I could be off to bed, I'm getting a little tired.
I'm going to be at the crack of dawn, so I probably won't be seeing you again.
What's the rush? We could have something to eat.
And maybe perhaps you could join me in a game or two.
Well, I don't want to turn down your hospitality.
Sir, what again did you say this game was called?
Oh, this game was invented by a friend of mine, Lord Parker and his brother.
It's called Monopoly.
Well, Q-U-A-S-T-L-E, castle. That's 30 points for me. Castle.
Sir, sire, sire, is that not quassel?
It's kind of like quassel to me, but...
No, it's castle. Q-U-A-S-T-L-E, castle.
Isn't castle like sea, sea, castle?
What's the matter? Can't you see? Castle? Q-U-A-S-T-L-E, castle.
What's the matter? You can't see?
No, no, I...
What's wrong with you? Are you doubting my intelligence?
No, I'm not. No, sir. Of course not, sire, sir, sire.
Looks good to me.
Good. 30 points. Castle.
40 points for you.
Oh, 30 points. That's enough. Just what I get.
Here's your turn.
Yes, sir. Sire.
S-H-E-R-W-O-O-D, Sherwood, Sherwood Forest, just like Sherwood Forest.
I win again.
But that's... I don't think that's... that's not a proper noun.
It's a proper noun. It's proper. Sherwood Forest is proper. What's the matter with you?
I don't know. It's a word. It's a good word.
It's a word.
But the capital letters for forest, Sherwood Forest.
The capitals. Just look, capitals.
G, capital G.
There's a capital M here, right? Is that a capital?
That's a capital M.
Capital M, right?
That looks like a capital to me.
What's the matter with you?
Yeah, well, far be it from me to...
But something is not quite...
I don't understand you.
You're always complaining about when I make a word.
You shouldn't do that.
Yes.
Sherwood Forest is a word. What's the matter with you?
It's just like a word.
I win. Come on.
Did I tell you that I have a new set of thumb screws?
Oh, looks good to me.
Yes.
I win again.
You win again. That's right.
Stupid me. Another mistake.
Well, it's getting late.
I'm going to have to give it up.
My bad here.
Come on. We can play another game. We only agree it was over so fast.
Oh, that's... No, you're just too good.
I'm just... I'm losing everything to stupid me. Make all these mistakes.
But you're improving.
Look, you got a wife here.
Yeah, I got wife.
Well, I think I should just leave it at that, you know, and take off to bed.
I'm not so good. I should have won you before.
I'm not really good at games.
And you're really good, boy.
I'll tell you, you're the best I've ever run across.
All right.
You're always the Jesus Christ mother of the land.
I'll join you for breakfast at dawn on the very early rise of the night.
Oh, good.
Lord Beast.
Tomorrow?
Sure was a word, huh?
It's crazy.
That guy is ugly.
Oh, how the hell am I ever going to get to sleep?
Hades, Hades, Hades.
Up walking all day long, trying to sell leeches.
Doesn't do a bit of good. Nobody wants leeches in this day and time.
Oh, I got to think of something beautiful.
I don't want to have nightmares all night long.
Nightmares, I hate nightmares.
I think of being shish kebab by unicorns.
Red ones?
I know.
I'll think of my daughter, Beauty.
No.
This time of night, I better not think of Beauty.
I know.
I'll think of the queen.
She's a little high there, maybe.
I know.
I'll think of that whore at Wimbledon.
After the tennis.
She was built.
Oh, Debra.
Beautiful face.
Well, well.
I brought you some port to help you sleep.
Thank you very much.
Very thoughtful.
You know, the hospitality around here is a great deal better than the master's looser face.
Oh, Laurel, I've been cooped up here since I was a child.
Regale me stories of the open road, of all your travels.
I'm so intrigued by men of adventure.
Well.
What's to tell, eh?
Oh, let's see, you know.
Once I was mugged by the happy men in Sherwood Forest.
Did you see Robin Hood?
I didn't say the merry men, the happy men.
It was kind of a rip-off gang.
They didn't get much publicity. They weren't too big in the polls.
Yeah, well, let's see.
I was summer replacement for old King Cole's "Fiddler's Three".
Stand-up bard.
Didn't work out until you got a good career.
Oh, I think I love you.
Debra, I love you.
You can't love me.
You can't.
I'm just poor, wandering, endlessly traveling.
Helen Peddler.
I have two grown daughters.
I'm a widower.
Yeah, I'm always constantly going from town to town.
Place to place, in to in and out.
I mean to pubs and, you know, just never really settled down.
No earth, no home, no fires.
It's a little warm in here, is there a fire?
Debra, I appreciate the value of persistence as a salesman.
I understand those sort of things.
But this is not going to do you a bit of good.
Now, you shame.
Don't we rot in hell if we do that kind of thing?
I'll get wet in the 14th century.
For a real stifled woman, you've got one heck of a great imagination.
I kind of appreciate it.
It just sort of undoes down here.
Oh, do you think you like what you see?
Yeah, it reminds me of tennis a little bit.
I mean, uh, no.
Very nice.
That's another thing, don't they?
Bet you had this imported from London, didn't you?
Yeah.
Debra, you have no petticoat down there.
It's so easy.
Yes, it is a little bit.
You're taking advantage of the way it works.
You are, I can tell.
Come on, you.
Take advantage.
Boy.
I'd like to see more.
Yes, I'd like to see more.
I'd like to see a lot more.
Take one.
Good, good, good, good, good.
I'd like a few leather laces.
Boy.
Next one is going to be spring free.
We've got to help them spring free. Let's spring them free.
It looks so good on you.
Do you want to taste it?
Oh.
Oh, so good.
Oh.
Do you like that?
Oh.
Oh, wow.
Yes!
No, no, no, stop, stop, stop!
Oh, yes!
So what do you think, Lyle?
I think you're wonderful.
I think I am completely drained.
Oh, Deborah, Deborah.
Now, you have to remember I'm just, I'm a poor peddler.
You can't come with me.
You could do so much better with somewhere else,
with somebody else.
Really?
No, I feel rather foolish.
Oh, but, Deborah, please.
It's all right, it's all right.
I don't have to be stuck over the noggin.
But, but, but, but, but, no, no.
Lyle was appreciative of the warm hospitality,
but was happy to be leaving that ugly girls' domain.
Thanks a lot.
You won't regret taking those leeches off my hands.
They're good steal.
As Lyle was about to leave the grounds of Beasland,
he passed a rose bush filled with beautiful pink roses.
Remembering the request of his daughter, Beauty,
to pluck one of the roses.
Hey, hey.
Who gave you permission to pick that rose?
Well, I just thought it was, you know.
I give you room and board.
My maid fucks your brains out.
Then you steal a rose from me.
I should put you in my dungeon and give you a good thrashing.
Well, I meant no harm, it's just that my beautiful,
daughter Beauty asked that I bring her a rose,
a nice little rose, and I can't give my daughter
the finer things in life when it's helpful.
Very well, very well, I'll not thrash you.
You're a beautiful human being, you know?
Unconditional, if you're beautiful, daughter Beauty.
Visit my home for a few days.
Oh, Beauty is her fine and delicate.
I'm afraid that she would be maybe a little afraid,
you understand?
Did I mention to you that I have snakes in my dungeon?
Beauty, if you ride over, takes the first ox cart down,
I'll send it right over.
All right, good, and if you don't make good
on your promise, I'll find you.
Yes, sir.
Sorry.
Have a nice day.
Daughters, I've returned you.
Oh, Father, Father, I have missed you so.
Beauty.
Look what I have brought you.
Oh, it's so beautiful.
Smell it.
Where is Eliza?
Oh, where else?
Oh.
Yeah.
Sit down, Beauty.
Can we talk?
Of course.
You know that really beautiful rose
that I brought back for you?
Yes.
Yeah, well, it wasn't exactly free.
You see, I got a little bit tired on the trip
and I took this break and stayed at this mansion.
Lyle explained everything.
You blew up this mansion way too easy.
Well, almost everything.
Got the house, the hideous Lord Beasland, and so forth.
But since you know all that,
we thought you might want to know
what's going on Eliza's room.
And so would I.
Yeah.
Look, the color.
It's not a business of an action sometimes.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my gosh.
Hey, hey, where'd she go?
Where'd she go?
There was a girl right here, man.
The girl that was sitting on my face.
Well, I don't know.
Aren't I good enough for you, little John?
No, but I was just eating a girl
just about five seconds ago.
Look what I got.
Whoa.
Hello, John.
That was the best I've had since Robin Hood.
But it's only gonna be a couple of days.
Just a couple of days, sweetheart.
Oh, it sounds awful.
It sounds terrible, Papa.
Please don't make me do it.
Yeah, but-
- Father, did you bring many gifts?
Uh, I'm afraid your daughter, I didn't.
My trip wasn't too bound to fall.
It was-
- You, wiener.
What's the matter with little Miss Muffet?
It's terrible.
A wealthy baron insists that I come and spend a few days
at his house because father picked one of his roses for me.
A rich baron?
What are we waiting for?
Well, I'm afraid he only requested beauty.
Do you know the psychological damage that you do to me
when you favor her all the time?
You don't understand.
This baron is extremely ugly, hideous guy.
Hey, he's rich.
I mean, how bad can he be?
Hmm, Q-U-A-S-T-O-E.
Classic, I don't understand.
He's a classic.
What do you get classic from?
Jesus H. Christ, son of a bitch.
All right, you have a different name from your father.
Perhaps you'd like to freshen up before I
before I
dinner.
Dinner.
I'll take you to your room.
The beast was immediately charmed by the virginal beauty.
Eliza, of course, was quite jealous.
My dear.
Tell me, do you know anything about monopoly?
Come, I'll show you.
It's crazy.
It's a game with words, see?
Spell words.
What's a quassel?
What do you mean a quassel?
It's castle.
Q-U-A-S-T-L-E, castle.
What's the matter with you?
You're just like your father.
Meat, my favorite.
Finished?
Yes.
Mm.
Dessert?
No.
No, thank you.
Now come here.
You sure?
Oh yeah.
No, no, no.
I can't eat sweets.
That's all right.
No.
Be gone, be gone.
Mm.
Ah, beauty.
Why don't we have some brandy and some more monopoly?
As you please, sire.
You know, I'd really like some brandy right about now.
I was speaking only to beauty.
You may retire for the evening.
Ah, beauty.
It's often said that beauty is only skin deep,
but ugliness goes to the dark.
Do you believe that?
Certainly not.
I have so much love and passion inside me,
but my ugliness prevents anyone from seeing it.
That's very sad.
People don't realize that the beautiful diamond
is embedded in dark, black coal.
Yeah, yeah.
And the ugly caterpillar becomes the beautiful butterfly,
and the gnarled sticks and twigs of winter
make way for the roses of spring,
and those sticky little wrinkled little babies
become fully grown adult things and people are birds.
Are you finished?
Quite.
I agree with you.
You agree with me?
Oh, beauty.
So many times in my life I've met women
who would completely repel them, won't even speak to me.
But you, you're different.
Beauty, could you?
Could you find it in your heart, too?
Make love to me.
Oh, now wait a minute.
Oh, please, beauty, please.
I would be so grateful.
Listen, I'm nice and I'm empathetic and you know all that,
but I'm sorry, I just, I can't, I'm sorry.
I'm the one who should be sorry.
I was wrong to ask.
Let's enjoy the fire and the beauty.
Why does that bitch have all the love?
I mean, why can't I have a rich landowner?
Would you settle for a rich landowner's son?
Well, of course.
Who are you?
Just as I said.
The master's my father.
Fortunately, I got me mother's looks, though.
Lucky for you.
You know, you really are quite attractive,
much more than your sister.
Well, you shouldn't have to say the right things.
Do you believe in love at first sight?
Not only that.
I believe in sex at first sight.
My kind of girl.
Ooh.
You like that?
Mm, indeed.
Oh, that's a sweet pussy.
Uh-huh.
Mm.
I figured sheep would be it for the rest of me life.
I can't believe this.
Well, what about Deborah?
Looks like a pretty cute wench.
She's the help.
I mean, a wealthy young prince's son
couldn't be seen with her.
Could ruin the image.
And much rather be much in on this.
Oh, yes.
Mm.
You're rich, royal Ron.
You're a real girl.
Are you ready?
Are you ready to sit up on the royal scepter?
Oh, yes.
Yes, there's one.
Oh, yes, oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
I gotta have those ruby red lips around my cock.
Oh, yes.
What are you doing down there, you lazy bones?
I want you to come on down to the kitchen
and help me clean it up.
He doesn't have to go help you clean the kitchen.
He's the princess' son.
Yeah, get out of here, woman.
Is that what you told her, that you're the princess' son?
Winch, go do your chores.
He's nothing but the handyman.
The master wants you downstairs in the study
to bring him some more firewood.
Oh.
You mean I've been screwing the goddamn handyman?
Well, out.
Out.
Just my luck.
Even when my sister has an ugly day,
at least he's worth millions.
I mean, I've been waiting for my prince for so long.
They are out there, aren't they?
I'll keep waiting for mine, too.
Do you ever think he might not come?
Constantly.
Why did that we sit around waiting
for some man to come along to take care of us?
They're such great treasures.
No, they aren't.
I mean, sure, we have beastie downstairs,
but most men, they're coarse,
hairy, and rough.
They're not smooth and silky.
Or curvaceous and sleek.
Or supple and round.
And understanding.
Giving.
I mean, man doesn't even know how to kiss a woman,
lip or suck 'em the way they really wanna be kissed,
licked, and sucked.
I'm going to take her to the moon.
Precisely.
That's nice, what do you think?
So sad.
I'm so pretty.
What are you doing?
Farewell, Lord Beastington.
You have been most gracious.
Oh, precious beauty.
Please, I will ask one more time and I will not ask again.
Just one brief moment of lovemaking.
Please, and I will comfort and care for you
for the rest of your life
and give anything your heart desires, anything.
Lord Beastington, you are so charming
and brilliant and witty, but I'm sorry, I cannot.
Oh no, oh no, why me?
What's the matter with him?
Did he find a zit on his nose this morning?
No, he's offered to marry me
and take care of me for the rest of my life
and bestow great riches upon me.
If only I would make love to him and I refused.
Why you, why you?
Oh, there, there, Lord Beastington.
There, there, I'll take love to you.
That is, if the deal's still on,
you know, about to take care of you.
You got a paper bag?
My daughters, you returned safely.
Did anybody call for me while I was gone?
Yes, they're all waiting for you now.
Little John, Friar Tuck, Robin, and Maid Marion?
Well, Robin Hood and Friar Tuck called.
They'll be a little bit late from Sherwood Forest,
but Little John and Maid Marion, they're--
Wow!
What is wrong, my dear?
Is the beast's ugliness emblazoned on your brain
the way it is on mine?
Well, indeed, he's quite ugly on the outside.
But on the inside, he's a man of great wit,
sensitivity, romance.
I used to love to build a fire, and we would sit by it.
And he would talk.
You must have done some incredible speaking.
I did.
Well, then why are they all calling, my dearest?
I'm not sure.
I turned him down when he wanted to make love to me.
Ah, Jesus H. Christ!
You're right to turn him down.
You'd regret it for the rest of your life if you did.
But don't you see?
I turned him down merely because he was physically ugly.
I can dig it.
But he wept so bitterly.
You know, he's a man of great sensitivity.
I hurt him, now I feel so bad.
My naive one.
Men will beg, and they will plead,
and they will cry for the charms of a beautiful woman.
But I cared for him.
I cared for what he was on the inside.
Don't you see?
He genuinely cared for me.
It's true, sometimes you have to dig
a little more deeply for true beauty.
Father, I must return to him.
I just cannot be true to myself if I don't.
Fine, but if you fall in love, and if you marry,
and would you consider adoption?
Possibly.
What kid?
So beauty returned as fast as she could
to be slammed to fulfill her destiny.
Lord Beastington.
You, here I am.
Beauty.
Beauty, you've returned.
Yes, I've returned my life.
Oh, you have?
But, why?
You mean?
Oh, beauty.
May I undress you?
Let me do it.
You know, I am an animal.
Yes, I know.
Right.
Forgive me.
I hope you will control certain things.
You've never done this before?
My lord, what pray tell of these?
Oh, a friend of mine invented them, Lord Boxer.
They'll be the new things one day, you'll see.
They're quite comfortable.
You like them?
Thank you.
My destiny.
Oh my god, it worked.
It worked.
Beauty, I love you.
You're so, you're incredibly handsome.
Sure, compared to before.
You see, years ago a spell was put on me by a wicked witch
and it could only be removed
if a beautiful and kind woman
who really and truly cared for me made love to me.
That's remarkable.
I guess sometimes being a self-sacrificing,
guilt-ridden ninny pays off.
Absolutely.
Beauty, will you marry me?
Yes.
Oh, yes.
Mm.
Ah, well, here we are.
This is my grade school, BS 48.
Charming.
And over here.
This is my father.
I see the resemblance.
Over here is my, hands up!
Here.
My window.
What a pain.
Why didn't I ever think of fucking 'em?
It was a feast.
Oh, my good woman.
Have you a room for a wealthy adventurer
upon whom a witch has cast a horrible spell?
Right this way.
Yes, yes.
Oh, my very own beast.
I'd make love to you.
Yes.
Be gentle.
Oh, yes.
Whoa.
I had to make love to you, making my handsome prince.
She didn't show it, I can't believe the prince.
Yes.
This is what I've been waiting for.
Oh, yes.
That's right.
I'm for you.
I want your prince, I've been waiting for you.
Yes.
Oh, my lord.
You're pricking me.
Oh, I don't feel it inside.
Oh, it's beautiful.
Oh, oh, you're beautiful, isn't it, prince?
Oh, you're right with me.
Oh, that's right.
Oh, faster, lower it, yes.
Oh, oh, drive me to me.
Oh, let me feel you in me, yes.
Oh, oh, yes, drive me to me.
No, drive me to me.
Oh, run faster, oh, you're best.
You're beautiful best.
Oh.
Oh, oh, good man.
You're making my beautiful face.
Yes, oh, you're, you're lovely.
Oh, yes.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, that's quite fucking nice.
You're still ugly.
I didn't work, why didn't you work?
David, you fiend.
Deborah, it was just a jest
to prove my lovemaking abilities to you.
That's all, just a jest.
You're a fiend and a scoundrel.
Wait, okay, I can't get this mask off.
Help me, please.
David, it's hurting here.
Please, that hurt.
I can't get that back.
And there you have it, my children.
Everyone came, or at least almost everyone came,
happily ever after.
Now it's Mother Goose's turn.
And now everybody came, happily ever after,
including Mother Goose.