1
00:00:05,270 --> 00:00:07,530
Come on or we'll get caught.
Actually, if I get caught,

2
00:00:07,730 --> 00:00:09,790
does it mean I don't have
to go on a French Exchange?

3
00:00:09,990 --> 00:00:14,710
Just shut up and keep guard,
all right? You can't hurry art.

4
00:00:14,910 --> 00:00:20,430
This is my Sistine Chapel.

5
00:00:20,630 --> 00:00:23,230
Why are you doing this?
Er, revenge! You've seen the gents',

6
00:00:23,430 --> 00:00:24,790
the slander all over the walls.

7
00:00:24,990 --> 00:00:27,950
That has got Pickwell's name
written all over it.

8
00:00:28,150 --> 00:00:29,670
It's got YOUR name
written all over it.

9
00:00:29,870 --> 00:00:31,190
She is the only person
in this school

10
00:00:31,390 --> 00:00:34,110
that hates me enough
to write those mean things.

11
00:00:34,310 --> 00:00:35,630
What? About your weird feet?

12
00:00:35,830 --> 00:00:39,790
They're not weird,
they're just...flat

13
00:00:39,990 --> 00:00:42,110
and slightly webbed.

14
00:00:42,310 --> 00:00:45,710
Is that why you have to wear the
special shoes? You lot are just jealous

15
00:00:45,910 --> 00:00:47,150
because I'm evolving quicker.

16
00:00:47,350 --> 00:00:52,270
When the ice caps melt, I will be swimming
to safety like Kevin Costner in Waterworld.

17
00:00:52,470 --> 00:00:53,230
What's Waterworld?

18
00:00:53,430 --> 00:00:57,870
"What's Waterworld"?!
You haven't seen Waterworld?

19
00:00:58,070 --> 00:00:59,910
Ah, Jesus!

20
00:01:00,110 --> 00:01:02,950
Give me that, you little turd.

21
00:01:03,150 --> 00:01:04,990
Right. Off you go. LEAVE!

22
00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:08,750
She's coming! Shit! Hide!
There's no way out.

23
00:01:08,950 --> 00:01:10,350
The ventilation shaft.How?

24
00:01:10,550 --> 00:01:12,590
Haven't you seen Die Hard?
It's an 18!

25
00:01:12,790 --> 00:01:14,310
What?!

26
00:01:15,590 --> 00:01:17,810
First Waterworld, now this?

27
00:01:18,010 --> 00:01:20,230
What do they teach you people?

28
00:01:27,630 --> 00:01:29,590
I told you she had a wang.

29
00:01:34,710 --> 00:01:37,070
Everything all right in there?

30
00:01:37,270 --> 00:01:38,730
Do a noise. Like what?

31
00:01:38,930 --> 00:01:40,390
A girl having a crap.

32
00:01:42,750 --> 00:01:45,790
HE STRAINS

33
00:01:52,150 --> 00:01:53,710
Pathetic.

34
00:02:29,790 --> 00:02:32,750
Yippee ki yay, mu...
Oh, you wouldn't get it.

35
00:02:34,230 --> 00:02:36,250
It's Dick and Dick in Da Bungalow.

36
00:02:36,450 --> 00:02:38,270
Well, that's actually a compliment

37
00:02:38,470 --> 00:02:40,790
because they won
two Children's BAFTAs. What's this?

38
00:02:40,990 --> 00:02:43,790
Taking a photo of you two
butt nuggets leaving the ladies.

39
00:02:43,990 --> 00:02:45,230
I'm twitpicin' that shit.

40
00:02:45,430 --> 00:02:49,550
Don't be a dick. Chill out, flippers. Someone's
been reading Pickwell's graffiti, I see.

41
00:02:49,750 --> 00:02:50,990
That's my graffiti, innit.

42
00:02:57,910 --> 00:02:58,790
Jumper?

43
00:02:58,990 --> 00:03:02,470
Yeah. You're wearing a jumper,
and jumpers are bent, mate.

44
00:03:02,670 --> 00:03:05,670
This is not bent,
this is Dries Van Noten.

45
00:03:05,870 --> 00:03:11,470
Marvin from JLS rocked one of these
bad boys on The One Show.

46
00:03:11,670 --> 00:03:14,270
Look, just delete the photo.

47
00:03:14,470 --> 00:03:15,630
Shut up, Chicken Dippa!

48
00:03:15,830 --> 00:03:18,750
Please. And what if I don't?

49
00:03:18,950 --> 00:03:21,910
Then I will...

50
00:03:22,110 --> 00:03:25,630
tell on you
to a more senior member of staff.

51
00:03:25,830 --> 00:03:26,950
THEY LAUGH

52
00:03:27,150 --> 00:03:29,950
You is brass, bruv.

53
00:03:30,150 --> 00:03:31,790
Oh, thank you.

54
00:03:31,990 --> 00:03:36,330
Tell you what - I'll delete
the photo if you do me a favour.

55
00:03:36,530 --> 00:03:40,870
OK, but I'm not getting involved
in any of your gang nonsense.

56
00:03:41,070 --> 00:03:43,590
I've seen Kidulthood.
I'm not killing anyone with a bat.

57
00:03:53,590 --> 00:03:55,830
Change? But it was my money.

58
00:04:00,670 --> 00:04:02,150
And the rest.

59
00:04:04,270 --> 00:04:05,590
Prick.

60
00:04:09,910 --> 00:04:11,350
That went well.

61
00:04:11,550 --> 00:04:15,550
Sacre bleu, le enfant terrible,
le bon vivant, le petit filou..

62
00:04:15,750 --> 00:04:16,830
Fraser, Ca...

63
00:04:17,910 --> 00:04:18,990
Brie?

64
00:04:19,190 --> 00:04:23,150
Erm look, about the French Exchange,
er, please don't send Joe.

65
00:04:23,350 --> 00:04:25,470
He really doesn't want to go.
He hates France!

66
00:04:25,670 --> 00:04:29,030
I was thinking,
maybe you could send a Francophile?

67
00:04:29,230 --> 00:04:31,650
Why would we send the PE teacher?

68
00:04:31,850 --> 00:04:34,270
No, someone who loves France.

69
00:04:35,310 --> 00:04:36,910
Skin?

70
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:38,510
Hanging!

71
00:04:38,710 --> 00:04:40,230
Why are there all these
parents here?

72
00:04:40,430 --> 00:04:43,550
What's with all the questions?
Am I on Mastermind?

73
00:04:43,750 --> 00:04:46,870
If I am, chosen specialist
subject, classical banter.

74
00:04:47,070 --> 00:04:48,870
6th of the 9th '73 to Present day.

75
00:04:49,070 --> 00:04:49,910
What's going on?

76
00:04:50,110 --> 00:04:51,390
I've started so I'll finish.

77
00:04:51,590 --> 00:04:53,830
The MILF brigade
are in a bit of a tizz

78
00:04:54,030 --> 00:04:57,110
about the impending arrivee
of the French Exchange.

79
00:04:57,310 --> 00:04:59,750
After last year's little debacle,

80
00:04:59,950 --> 00:05:03,390
this year the parents don't want
their kids getting pregnant.

81
00:05:03,590 --> 00:05:07,310
Frigid!
So, to quash any menopausal mayhem,

82
00:05:07,510 --> 00:05:10,270
you have done the assembly on PSHE,
haven't you?

83
00:05:10,470 --> 00:05:11,710
Yeah!

84
00:05:11,910 --> 00:05:13,790
Well, I mean, I haven't.

85
00:05:13,990 --> 00:05:16,990
I let Stephen do it because
he's into drama and stuff. Oh, yeah.

86
00:05:17,190 --> 00:05:20,990
He's doing a presentation
on gender equality.

87
00:05:22,750 --> 00:05:24,070
Rennie?

88
00:05:24,270 --> 00:05:25,990
I've double-dropped.

89
00:05:42,310 --> 00:05:45,990
♪ I can do it like a brother
do it like a dude

90
00:05:46,190 --> 00:05:49,110
♪ Grab my crotch
wear my hat low like you

91
00:05:49,310 --> 00:05:52,310
♪ Do it like a brother
do it like a dude

92
00:05:52,510 --> 00:05:55,690
♪ Grab my crotch
wear my hat low like you

93
00:05:55,890 --> 00:05:58,870
♪ We can do it like the man'dem
man'dem

94
00:05:59,070 --> 00:06:02,590
♪ We can do it like the man'dem
sugar, sugar, sugar

95
00:06:02,790 --> 00:06:05,710
♪ We can do it like the man'dem
man'dem

96
00:06:05,910 --> 00:06:09,990
♪ We can do it like the man'dem
sugar, sugar, sugar. ♪

97
00:06:19,910 --> 00:06:22,070
Not a fan of R'n'B.

98
00:06:33,670 --> 00:06:35,430
Right,
those aren't normally allowed.

99
00:06:35,630 --> 00:06:38,150
It's shocking. I'll have her
out of those in no time.

100
00:06:39,870 --> 00:06:41,750
OK, that didn't come out right.

101
00:06:41,950 --> 00:06:43,890
< I'm worried for all
our daughters...

102
00:06:44,090 --> 00:06:45,820
What? Fraser's so out of his depth.

103
00:06:46,020 --> 00:06:47,550
We were talking
about teen sexuality,

104
00:06:47,750 --> 00:06:53,070
and I was telling him about my experiences
at a young age with other girls.

105
00:06:53,270 --> 00:06:56,950
He just made this grunt noise,
tensed up

106
00:06:57,150 --> 00:06:59,470
and he ran to the toilet.

107
00:06:59,670 --> 00:07:00,470
It's sad really.

108
00:07:00,670 --> 00:07:04,310
Yeah, cos I'm, like,
so cool with that.

109
00:07:04,510 --> 00:07:07,270
You know, you...

110
00:07:07,470 --> 00:07:10,150
other girls, making out...

111
00:07:11,870 --> 00:07:15,230
Cos what I mean is
like we've all done that.

112
00:07:15,430 --> 00:07:20,590
We've all been there, like,
I had a thing, when I was, like, 13.

113
00:07:20,790 --> 00:07:25,310
I was having a sleepover, and I was
top-and-tailing with Atticus Hoye

114
00:07:25,510 --> 00:07:28,750
and, I was at half mast,

115
00:07:28,950 --> 00:07:31,230
maybe even two thirds.

116
00:07:31,430 --> 00:07:33,510
No, but you see Alfie,

117
00:07:33,710 --> 00:07:37,870
my point is that I think Fraser
might have a more personal problem.

118
00:07:38,070 --> 00:07:40,370
Lives in Derby now, old Atticus.

119
00:07:40,570 --> 00:07:42,670
Added me on Facebook the other day.

120
00:07:42,870 --> 00:07:46,630
Let's just say,
I would not get a semi anymore.

121
00:07:48,030 --> 00:07:49,630
Shall we go and help Fraser? Yep.

122
00:07:49,830 --> 00:07:52,830
This is going straight onto Mumsnet.
Sod Mumsnet.

123
00:07:53,030 --> 00:07:56,030
OK, last year Jean Claude
caused a bit of a stir.

124
00:07:56,230 --> 00:07:58,670
Disgusting beast. Chill, Winston!

125
00:07:58,870 --> 00:08:02,070
You've let this place become
a den of inequity. Look at this!

126
00:08:02,270 --> 00:08:07,270
Don't you think girls have enough pressure without
this kind of thing? Oh, we don't discriminate.

127
00:08:07,470 --> 00:08:10,590
We let the Dove adverty ones enter.
Fat Alice did it last year.

128
00:08:10,790 --> 00:08:14,110
That's outrageous. Exactly. That's why
I voted her off in the first round.

129
00:08:14,310 --> 00:08:15,610
"Fat Alice" is my daughter!

130
00:08:15,810 --> 00:08:17,110
Hasn't she got nice eyes?

131
00:08:17,310 --> 00:08:20,070
Yeah, lovely girl.

132
00:08:20,270 --> 00:08:21,470
Bubbly Alice.

133
00:08:21,670 --> 00:08:24,850
And it's gonna be worse
when the exchange students arrive.

134
00:08:25,050 --> 00:08:28,230
I don't want some predator
in a beret groping my daughter.

135
00:08:28,430 --> 00:08:29,750
Mrs Lythgoe, if it's any consolation

136
00:08:29,950 --> 00:08:34,070
I think twinkly-eyed Alice will be
very low down on their list.

137
00:08:37,110 --> 00:08:39,470
No, that's appears
to have made it worse. Look.

138
00:08:39,670 --> 00:08:44,430
You're all squabbling over what is the most
beautiful part in bringing up a child.

139
00:08:44,630 --> 00:08:47,270
We have to work together
to help our kids

140
00:08:47,470 --> 00:08:51,190
embrace the changes that are going
on inside their bodies.

141
00:08:51,390 --> 00:08:53,910
Bullshit!
Finally some sense!

142
00:08:54,110 --> 00:08:56,590
I think it's really important
that we make a stand...

143
00:08:56,790 --> 00:08:58,310
Yo, my turn. Um.

144
00:08:58,510 --> 00:09:00,990
Just wanted to throw this one
out there.

145
00:09:01,190 --> 00:09:07,230
If any of the staff or indeed mums
that are under the age of 40,

146
00:09:07,430 --> 00:09:08,870
unless they're proper fit...

147
00:09:11,310 --> 00:09:13,710
want to come and draw on my wealth

148
00:09:13,910 --> 00:09:17,110
of sexual knowledge,
you know where my door is.

149
00:09:17,310 --> 00:09:20,710
How can I trust this moron
with teaching my children

150
00:09:20,910 --> 00:09:22,910
something as important
as sex education?

151
00:09:23,110 --> 00:09:27,190
I can assure you we are more
than qualified to deal with this.

152
00:09:27,390 --> 00:09:30,550
Perhaps some of the parents might like
to sit in on a class? Mr Wickers!

153
00:09:30,750 --> 00:09:32,870
You'd be happy with that,
wouldn't you?

154
00:09:34,030 --> 00:09:35,150
Erm...

155
00:09:35,350 --> 00:09:36,270
Alfie?

156
00:09:36,470 --> 00:09:39,630
Yep. Yeah. Sure, fine, yeah, cool.

157
00:09:39,830 --> 00:09:42,990
Share the knowledge. Feel the force.

158
00:09:43,190 --> 00:09:45,910
I'm like a sex Yoda.

159
00:09:46,910 --> 00:09:49,810
Many times
done it, I have.

160
00:09:50,010 --> 00:09:52,360
Oh, top notch Jedi banter.

161
00:09:52,560 --> 00:09:54,710
Well, that's settled then.

162
00:09:54,910 --> 00:09:57,550
What say you meet us
all back here at 2.30?

163
00:09:57,750 --> 00:10:01,430
And I can promise, by the time
that mini-bus arrives from France,

164
00:10:01,630 --> 00:10:05,310
all your little Casanovas will
know their pinks from their browns.

165
00:10:05,510 --> 00:10:06,430
OK?

166
00:10:14,950 --> 00:10:18,070
You need to be aware
of all the major sexual organs.

167
00:10:19,510 --> 00:10:20,930
Yeah.

168
00:10:21,130 --> 00:10:22,640
Labia...

169
00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:24,395
vulva...

170
00:10:24,595 --> 00:10:25,950
vagina.

171
00:10:26,150 --> 00:10:31,470
So, we're all good
talking about the...

172
00:10:31,670 --> 00:10:33,070
Anus.

173
00:10:33,270 --> 00:10:39,110
I thought we could watch a home video
my husband and I made on our honeymoon.

174
00:10:39,310 --> 00:10:42,030
It's on the internet somewhere.

175
00:10:42,230 --> 00:10:43,870
Acts 15-20.

176
00:10:44,070 --> 00:10:47,630
"And Moses did write to them,
telling them to abstain

177
00:10:47,830 --> 00:10:52,110
"from sexual immorality and from
the meat of strangled animals."

178
00:10:52,310 --> 00:10:53,230
That's funny, Miss.

179
00:10:53,430 --> 00:10:56,750
I've heard you like to strangle the
meat of your animal. Shut up, Grayson.

180
00:10:57,910 --> 00:11:01,550
'And in we go. Back and forth, back and
forth! Olive, do you want a scotch egg?

181
00:11:01,750 --> 00:11:04,150
'Who's a good boy?'

182
00:11:04,350 --> 00:11:06,750
Sex was invented...

183
00:11:06,950 --> 00:11:08,910
by the Romans.

184
00:11:09,110 --> 00:11:14,070
Pornography will give you a totally
distorted impression of the female body.

185
00:11:14,270 --> 00:11:17,150
Those aren't real women. This is.

186
00:11:19,430 --> 00:11:21,950
It's... Fanny!

187
00:11:26,110 --> 00:11:27,750
I give up.
I don't know how to do it.

188
00:11:27,950 --> 00:11:32,150
Sir, why don't you just draw a frog's dick so
Joe knows what he'll be sucking on next week.

189
00:11:32,350 --> 00:11:33,710
You're an idiot.

190
00:11:33,910 --> 00:11:35,750
Look, Joe,

191
00:11:35,950 --> 00:11:37,990
you never know. You might enjoy it.

192
00:11:38,190 --> 00:11:40,230
I'd rather shit in my hand and clap.

193
00:11:40,430 --> 00:11:41,790
Sir, why is it only me

194
00:11:41,990 --> 00:11:45,270
that has to go to a French Farm
to stay with a bunch of freaks?

195
00:11:45,470 --> 00:11:47,950
Not all farmers are freaks.

196
00:11:48,150 --> 00:11:50,430
Alex James - he's in Blur.

197
00:11:50,630 --> 00:11:53,550
But they sent me some cheese,
through the post.

198
00:11:53,750 --> 00:11:55,150
There you are. That's lovely.

199
00:11:55,350 --> 00:11:58,670
Probably made from the farmer's
wife's tit milk. Don't be stupid.

200
00:11:58,870 --> 00:12:00,950
They do that. I read it in Nuts.
What? Yeah.

201
00:12:01,150 --> 00:12:05,190
And you're gonna have to wank off a cow.
Why on earth would he have to do that?

202
00:12:05,390 --> 00:12:06,350
To get milk, you pagan.

203
00:12:06,550 --> 00:12:08,910
You genuinely think
that's where milk comes from?

204
00:12:09,110 --> 00:12:11,050
Look, France isn't that bad.

205
00:12:11,250 --> 00:12:13,190
They've got loads of cool stuff

206
00:12:13,390 --> 00:12:17,270
like skiing and...

207
00:12:17,470 --> 00:12:18,750
Poirot.

208
00:12:20,750 --> 00:12:21,830
Er, Poirot, Jing, erm,

209
00:12:22,030 --> 00:12:24,910
he was a fictional detective
created by Agatha Christie.

210
00:12:25,110 --> 00:12:28,830
You know,
Murder On The Orient Express.

211
00:12:29,030 --> 00:12:32,750
Er, don't worry, they murder
an American, not one of yours.

212
00:12:32,950 --> 00:12:35,830
I can't believe
you've actually read a book.

213
00:12:36,030 --> 00:12:39,190
Book? I watched the TV shows.

214
00:12:40,190 --> 00:12:45,750
OK, let's do this. And remember, it's all
anonymous so you've got nothing to worry about.

215
00:12:48,310 --> 00:12:50,910
"Should I stop strangling
when their lips go blue?"

216
00:12:51,110 --> 00:12:55,110
Right, I'm not going to even dignify
that with a response, Mitchell. Sir!

217
00:12:56,310 --> 00:12:59,870
Will any of the French exchange
boys be on Grinder?

218
00:13:00,070 --> 00:13:02,030
Stephen, I have no idea.

219
00:13:02,230 --> 00:13:06,030
Lucky dip then. Is it too much
to ask to have a serious one?

220
00:13:07,670 --> 00:13:10,590
"He's 23, I'm 15,
what will it feel like?"

221
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:12,230
Illegal, Chantelle!

222
00:13:22,510 --> 00:13:24,110
Oh!

223
00:13:26,030 --> 00:13:29,670
I have just had...the most...

224
00:13:29,870 --> 00:13:32,750
amazing sex ed class.

225
00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:36,270
It was so honest.

226
00:13:36,470 --> 00:13:39,190
We had this big discussion
about losing your virginity

227
00:13:39,390 --> 00:13:42,110
and Jason Stephens
admitted he was still a virgin.

228
00:13:42,310 --> 00:13:43,770
HE LAUGHS

229
00:13:43,970 --> 00:13:45,230
That's good.

230
00:13:45,430 --> 00:13:49,110
No, it wasn't a joke, Alfie.
It was heartfelt and moving.

231
00:13:50,270 --> 00:13:52,670
What's that book? Ah it's, er...
Oh, I know this one.

232
00:13:52,870 --> 00:13:54,410
It's very helpful with the basics.

233
00:13:54,610 --> 00:13:55,950
Yeah, I mean
I didn't really need it.

234
00:13:56,150 --> 00:14:00,270
It was just in class earlier I sort
of messed up a diagram of a penis.

235
00:14:00,470 --> 00:14:01,790
I mean my one of the woman's erm...

236
00:14:03,910 --> 00:14:04,950
Vagina?

237
00:14:05,150 --> 00:14:06,310
Yeah. Vajuja.

238
00:14:06,510 --> 00:14:10,710
I mean that was good
cos obviously I've seen many of them,

239
00:14:10,910 --> 00:14:13,950
but, in my time,
so I got all the bits right.

240
00:14:14,150 --> 00:14:16,310
You know, tubes,

241
00:14:16,510 --> 00:14:18,710
the eggs,

242
00:14:18,910 --> 00:14:20,710
and, erm, the...

243
00:14:22,110 --> 00:14:23,030
..lid.

244
00:14:23,230 --> 00:14:25,190
The lid? Do you mean the labia?

245
00:14:25,390 --> 00:14:27,190
Yes. Yeah.

246
00:14:27,390 --> 00:14:29,550
The lab...lab...labia.
Labia, yes.

247
00:14:29,750 --> 00:14:30,950
That's what it's called.

248
00:14:31,150 --> 00:14:32,590
Look, if you're teaching
the phallus,

249
00:14:32,790 --> 00:14:35,030
then it's very important
you know your own.

250
00:14:35,230 --> 00:14:40,230
How can you expect your class to understand
their bodies if you don't understand yours?

251
00:14:40,430 --> 00:14:43,270
You don't need this.
Just study your own.

252
00:14:43,470 --> 00:14:44,690
Get to know it.

253
00:14:44,890 --> 00:14:45,910
What, I mean,

254
00:14:46,110 --> 00:14:48,310
should I, like, trace it?

255
00:14:48,510 --> 00:14:51,590
Examine it, don't be afraid of it.

256
00:14:51,790 --> 00:14:53,830
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

257
00:14:54,030 --> 00:14:56,390
I don't need this, this shitty book.

258
00:14:56,590 --> 00:14:57,870
There's all my answers.

259
00:14:58,070 --> 00:15:00,590
Yeah, damn this shitty book. Aargh!

260
00:15:00,790 --> 00:15:03,310
Oh, I think you hit someone, Alfie.

261
00:15:03,510 --> 00:15:04,790
Fraser, what are you doing?

262
00:15:04,990 --> 00:15:10,270
Oh, just, er, just Peter Crouch'ing.
You know, squat thrusts.

263
00:15:10,470 --> 00:15:15,110
Just a standard library gym sesh.
Working on the old, er, bibliopecs.

264
00:15:15,310 --> 00:15:17,670
How are the old pump
and grind classes going?

265
00:15:17,870 --> 00:15:19,750
Yeah, I was just telling Alfie.

266
00:15:19,950 --> 00:15:22,390
I mean this is the stuff that
reminds me why I teach.

267
00:15:22,590 --> 00:15:27,070
Don't you think it's amazing that we
can inspire such honesty sexually?

268
00:15:27,270 --> 00:15:30,090
Here's that book you asked for.

269
00:15:30,290 --> 00:15:32,910
Oh, that's, no, that's not for me.

270
00:15:33,110 --> 00:15:36,570
It is. You specifically made
me buy it from Amazon.

271
00:15:36,770 --> 00:15:40,230
Oh, fine. Very chatty for
a librarian, aren't you?

272
00:15:44,030 --> 00:15:45,390
It's for my class.

273
00:15:46,510 --> 00:15:49,910
So, I'll go and read it,
to them, now.

274
00:15:50,110 --> 00:15:53,230
Now? Classes don't
start for half an hour.

275
00:15:53,430 --> 00:15:56,550
Oh, oops! Jumped the gun again!
Not again.

276
00:16:04,270 --> 00:16:06,830
OK, I need to inspire some honesty,

277
00:16:07,030 --> 00:16:10,350
so I'm going to need one of you to
lie about being gay.

278
00:16:10,550 --> 00:16:12,110
That will make my
sex ed class look so pro.

279
00:16:12,310 --> 00:16:15,550
You know, you come out then
I'll counsel you, like the bald guy

280
00:16:15,750 --> 00:16:17,110
they bring out on Jeremy Kyle.

281
00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:20,190
I'll go gay, Sir.
But only if you watch.

282
00:16:20,390 --> 00:16:22,550
And from now on,
comments like that will be banned.

283
00:16:22,750 --> 00:16:26,890
Sir, after a good deal of soul
searching, and a powerful journey

284
00:16:27,090 --> 00:16:31,100
of self discovery. I have come to
the conclusion that I am gay.

285
00:16:31,300 --> 00:16:35,310
Ah, that's lovely Stephen. But
what we need here is a surprise...

286
00:16:35,510 --> 00:16:36,870
Joe?

287
00:16:37,070 --> 00:16:40,190
No. No, no, no. Look...
No, no.

288
00:16:40,390 --> 00:16:41,590
Now don't over-react.

289
00:16:41,790 --> 00:16:45,310
No. Just calm down.
No. I'm not doing it. Please.

290
00:16:45,510 --> 00:16:48,830
All I'm asking you to do is
to be gay for a day.

291
00:16:49,030 --> 00:16:51,950
You just stand up in the middle of
the class and say "Mr Wickers,

292
00:16:52,150 --> 00:16:54,350
"I'm out and proud."
Alfie, please don't do this.

293
00:16:54,550 --> 00:16:56,790
Look, we all go through phases.

294
00:16:56,990 --> 00:17:01,910
This one time, me and Atticus Hoye were
apple-bobbing at Patrick Marsh's barn-dance,

295
00:17:02,110 --> 00:17:06,190
and let's just say, our hands
did not remain behind our backs.

296
00:17:06,390 --> 00:17:08,670
I really,
really don't want to do this.

297
00:17:08,870 --> 00:17:14,830
Please. I know,
I'll get you out of going to France.

298
00:17:15,830 --> 00:17:17,870
You promise?

299
00:17:18,070 --> 00:17:19,990
Have I ever let you down?

300
00:17:23,910 --> 00:17:26,670
Ah, that's very sweet of you to
offer to come out as well, Jing,

301
00:17:26,870 --> 00:17:29,910
but, er, as they say in China -
"one child will do."

302
00:17:30,910 --> 00:17:33,470
Aaaw, that sounds like
the French exchange.

303
00:17:33,670 --> 00:17:36,790
Oh, they're gonna be fit.
Oh, the bender bus has turned up.

304
00:17:38,430 --> 00:17:40,990
Where are this
lot from in France anyway?

305
00:17:41,190 --> 00:17:44,870
From the town of Hoogeveen.
Hoogeveen? That sounds German.

306
00:17:45,070 --> 00:17:46,190
Are you sure it's in France.

307
00:17:46,390 --> 00:17:49,310
Yes.
From the French province of Drenthe.

308
00:17:50,750 --> 00:17:53,670
Erm. Hoogeveen is in Holland.

309
00:17:53,870 --> 00:17:56,550
For God's sakes man,
you teach Geography.

310
00:17:56,750 --> 00:17:59,750
Well, I don't know.
I mean, who's ever been to Holland?

311
00:17:59,950 --> 00:18:01,750
I used to work in Amsterdam.

312
00:18:01,950 --> 00:18:08,030
Well, they're Dutch. It's fine. I
mean, they're not obsessed with sex.

313
00:18:09,030 --> 00:18:12,470
I mean look,
no-one's gonna be hopping on that.

314
00:18:20,670 --> 00:18:24,430
♪ Sexy boy... ♪

315
00:18:29,110 --> 00:18:33,310
Oh, my God! Get that boy
to the wheelie bins now!

316
00:18:33,510 --> 00:18:35,510
Shut up, you slag. He's well bent.

317
00:18:35,710 --> 00:18:38,550
Ain't he, Stephen?
Well, if he isn't, I'll bend him.

318
00:18:41,550 --> 00:18:42,950
Oh, waffles.

319
00:18:47,830 --> 00:18:50,190
Shoot in da hoop. Into me.

320
00:18:51,590 --> 00:18:55,470
Whoa. You just denied this
quarterback a three-pointer.

321
00:18:55,670 --> 00:18:59,550
Fraser, Joe can't go to Hoogeveen.
New balls, please.

322
00:19:00,550 --> 00:19:03,070
Oh, email from Mr Smith asking me

323
00:19:03,270 --> 00:19:07,190
to stop referring to him
as a brother from another mother.

324
00:19:07,390 --> 00:19:12,310
He shoots and... Ooh, touchdown!

325
00:19:12,510 --> 00:19:16,030
Fraser, did you listen to me?
Joe can't go. Why?

326
00:19:16,230 --> 00:19:17,190
Look...

327
00:19:19,350 --> 00:19:23,390
..he has been having some
words with me in private

328
00:19:23,590 --> 00:19:29,350
about a couple of issues that
his having regarding his sexuality.

329
00:19:29,550 --> 00:19:32,390
Why would that mean
he can't go to Holland?

330
00:19:32,590 --> 00:19:33,430
Fraser! Holland!

331
00:19:35,870 --> 00:19:37,190
A young chap like that.

332
00:19:37,390 --> 00:19:41,150
Vulnerable, unsure of himself,
wandering round

333
00:19:41,350 --> 00:19:45,590
the red light district of Amsterdam,
high on marijuana.

334
00:19:45,790 --> 00:19:47,870
They'd pass his bottom
round like a joint.

335
00:19:48,070 --> 00:19:52,430
Ooh. Formal warning from
the governors regarding

336
00:19:52,630 --> 00:19:54,590
my conduct towards
a black parent.

337
00:19:54,790 --> 00:20:01,030
♪ Do, do, do, do

338
00:20:01,230 --> 00:20:02,990
♪ Do, do, do, do... ♪

339
00:20:03,190 --> 00:20:04,510
Home run!

340
00:20:04,710 --> 00:20:06,710
HE IMITATES A BUGLE CALL

341
00:20:07,990 --> 00:20:10,110
Actually can you just,
er, pick that one out,

342
00:20:10,310 --> 00:20:14,270
I should probably give it
a read before the hearing.

343
00:20:16,350 --> 00:20:19,310
So, are we agreed? Joe's not going?

344
00:20:19,510 --> 00:20:23,590
Well, if he's having t'issues,
we can't send him abroad.

345
00:20:23,790 --> 00:20:26,030
I'll just ring around
for another pupil.

346
00:20:26,230 --> 00:20:30,650
Oh, before you do that,
one of Ms Pickwell's class

347
00:20:30,850 --> 00:20:35,270
has expressed a real affinity
with the culture.

348
00:20:35,470 --> 00:20:37,350
Get in the locker!

349
00:20:39,310 --> 00:20:41,750
Hello, Francis.

350
00:20:42,870 --> 00:20:45,230
Well, if ain't Dries Von Noten.

351
00:20:45,430 --> 00:20:48,650
Ooh, speaking a little Dutch.
That'll come in handy.

352
00:20:48,850 --> 00:20:52,060
You been sniffing Pritt Stick
again, you dick rash?

353
00:20:52,260 --> 00:20:55,270
No, because I've found out
that it's solvent free.

354
00:20:55,470 --> 00:20:59,870
Mug. Fraser has just been on
the phone to your parents.

355
00:21:00,070 --> 00:21:04,030
Turns out there was a last minute
drop out on the Dutch exchange,

356
00:21:04,230 --> 00:21:07,610
and we all decided that
you could go instead.

357
00:21:07,810 --> 00:21:11,190
You're going to love it on the farm
in Hoogeveen.

358
00:21:11,390 --> 00:21:14,070
The 5am starts, the smell of manure,

359
00:21:14,270 --> 00:21:18,310
the vigorous milking,
and that's just Mrs Vorhoeven.

360
00:21:18,510 --> 00:21:22,750
As they say in Holland,
auf wiedersehen.

361
00:21:25,230 --> 00:21:29,110
♪ Bendable, poseable

362
00:21:32,870 --> 00:21:34,550
♪ Bendable, poseable

363
00:21:34,750 --> 00:21:36,710
♪ Bendable, poseable... ♪

364
00:21:38,350 --> 00:21:40,790
Welcome. Wilkommen. Bienvenue.
Don't block the camera.

365
00:21:40,990 --> 00:21:44,270
Camera? Are you filming this?
Yeah, I'm streaming it on Mumsnet.

366
00:21:44,470 --> 00:21:46,030
Thank you very much for that.

367
00:21:46,230 --> 00:21:50,030
Now, I'm glad you could all make it
to one of our live sex shows.

368
00:21:50,230 --> 00:21:53,070
Sorry - live classes on sex,
sex ed class.

369
00:21:53,270 --> 00:21:54,550
It's not a live sex show.

370
00:21:54,750 --> 00:21:58,550
Now, I know you're all a little
bit worried about your kids

371
00:21:58,750 --> 00:22:03,710
mingling with the French students,
and their dubious sexual outlook.

372
00:22:04,870 --> 00:22:09,710
Fear not, because luckily,
ah, our students are in fact, Dutch.

373
00:22:15,430 --> 00:22:18,870
So, enough tickle, a bit more
tackle, funk you very much.

374
00:22:23,350 --> 00:22:26,470
Settle down, brothers and sisters.
It's time to share.

375
00:22:26,670 --> 00:22:29,230
Where have I been? Good question.

376
00:22:29,430 --> 00:22:33,350
Well, I've been sat in a room
getting to know my penis.

377
00:22:37,630 --> 00:22:40,350
And you know what?

378
00:22:41,550 --> 00:22:45,590
He's a pretty great guy,
cos Miss G's right.

379
00:22:45,790 --> 00:22:49,230
How can you lot
understand your penises

380
00:22:49,430 --> 00:22:52,870
if you don't get to
know my penis first?

381
00:22:53,070 --> 00:22:55,130
That's out of context.

382
00:22:55,330 --> 00:22:57,390
You don't need books.

383
00:22:57,590 --> 00:23:00,270
Or libraries.

384
00:23:00,470 --> 00:23:03,910
All of the answers are in here.
The pant library.

385
00:23:04,110 --> 00:23:10,310
So, next chapter, sex.

386
00:23:11,430 --> 00:23:14,750
I thought you guys should share.

387
00:23:16,270 --> 00:23:22,710
Is there anything anyone wants to
share with the group? Joe, maybe?

388
00:23:22,910 --> 00:23:25,110
Something that you
might like to tell us,

389
00:23:25,310 --> 00:23:28,510
some honesty that I've inspired?

390
00:23:28,710 --> 00:23:32,670
No. For me, it's all about making
everyone happy.

391
00:23:32,870 --> 00:23:34,830
It's just our bodies, guys,
let's have fun.

392
00:23:35,030 --> 00:23:38,750
Right, I'm sorry. We're not talking
about fun, and happiness, Hoogeveen.

393
00:23:38,950 --> 00:23:40,910
We're talking about sex, yeah?

394
00:23:41,110 --> 00:23:44,910
But if you're not mature enough to
share with the group, that's fine.

395
00:23:45,110 --> 00:23:49,230
Hey, I'm mature enough. You want me to share?
OK well, I like to strum the clitoris.

396
00:23:49,430 --> 00:23:50,830
Ooh. Don't say that!

397
00:23:51,030 --> 00:23:52,470
What's a glitorish? Oh, it's like...

398
00:23:52,670 --> 00:23:54,990
It's nothing.
It doesn't even exist. It's a myth.

399
00:23:55,190 --> 00:23:59,110
Wait. You're saying the clitoris is a myth?
What is a glitorish? Chantelle'll show you.

400
00:23:59,310 --> 00:24:01,570
Yeah, all right. Chantelle,
keep your clothes on.

401
00:24:01,770 --> 00:24:04,030
Hey, brother, why don't you
share your experiences.

402
00:24:04,230 --> 00:24:06,910
Erm, does anyone want to
help me out? Joe?

403
00:24:08,350 --> 00:24:11,430
What is a glitorish? And what's
a MILF? Right, not helping.

404
00:24:11,630 --> 00:24:14,950
You're mum's a MILF. She's not.
MILF, my friend, is a mother I'd like to...

405
00:24:15,150 --> 00:24:17,430
Fondle! Fondle.
A mother I would like to fondle.

406
00:24:17,630 --> 00:24:21,430
Joe, are you sure there is nothing
you want to tell us? No.

407
00:24:21,630 --> 00:24:23,550
What's that I can smell?
Is it cheese?

408
00:24:23,750 --> 00:24:25,590
It's almost like we're on a farm.

409
00:24:27,070 --> 00:24:28,910
I'm gay. Sorry? I didn't hear it.

410
00:24:29,110 --> 00:24:30,750
You'll have to be a little
bit louder.

411
00:24:30,950 --> 00:24:32,550
I'm gay.

412
00:24:32,750 --> 00:24:35,510
Gay! Yup! How honest!

413
00:24:35,710 --> 00:24:38,410
Oh, well done, Joe!
That's great, man.

414
00:24:38,610 --> 00:24:41,310
Mitchell, you owe us a fiver.
I told you.

415
00:24:41,510 --> 00:24:42,950
I'm not actually gay.

416
00:24:43,150 --> 00:24:45,510
No, no, no.
He, he definitely is a gay.

417
00:24:45,710 --> 00:24:50,910
Well, are you gay or not?
Alfie made me be gay for him.

418
00:24:51,110 --> 00:24:52,270
Er, right. I, I didn't.

419
00:24:52,470 --> 00:24:54,910
No, you did. You said
if I didn't go gay for you,

420
00:24:55,110 --> 00:24:57,210
you'd send me to
Holland to live on a farm.

421
00:24:57,410 --> 00:24:59,310
It sounds a lot worse
than it actually is was.

422
00:24:59,510 --> 00:25:03,070
Look, Grayson's sent me a photo of them
coming out of the ladies toilet together!

423
00:25:03,270 --> 00:25:05,790
What a shit! I bought him cider.
That's not good.

424
00:25:05,990 --> 00:25:07,390
Mumsnet has just crashed.
That is good.

425
00:25:07,590 --> 00:25:11,870
If you like sex so much, what's your favourite
position? All of them. Shall we change the subject?

426
00:25:12,070 --> 00:25:14,190
What foreplay do you take?
All of the main ones.

427
00:25:14,390 --> 00:25:17,390
When was the last time you had sex?
Erm, on holiday. Who was she?

428
00:25:17,590 --> 00:25:20,230
It was a long time ago. I can't
remember. What was her name?

429
00:25:20,430 --> 00:25:23,070
She didn't have one. Did she have
balls, Sir? I don't know.

430
00:25:23,270 --> 00:25:24,510
Was it a man? What was his name?

431
00:25:24,710 --> 00:25:28,070
Calm Down. Calm down.
Is it on YouPorn? What's ATM?

432
00:25:28,270 --> 00:25:30,430
Er, stop asking me
so many questions!

433
00:25:30,630 --> 00:25:35,350
Come on, man, share with the group.
Leave me alone, Hoogeveen.

434
00:25:35,550 --> 00:25:37,950
I haven't.

435
00:25:38,150 --> 00:25:40,350
All right.

436
00:25:40,550 --> 00:25:42,750
I haven't ever slept with anyone.

437
00:25:44,070 --> 00:25:49,270
I had a girlfriend for a long time
but she wanted to save herself.

438
00:25:51,630 --> 00:25:54,590
It just didn't happen.

439
00:25:58,350 --> 00:26:00,350
What is a glitorish?

440
00:26:00,550 --> 00:26:03,310
I don't know what kind of weird,
sick paedophile kind of teachers

441
00:26:03,510 --> 00:26:05,030
you employ here,
but they are not right here,

442
00:26:05,230 --> 00:26:07,470
they are not right with children.
OK, Mrs Lythgoe,

443
00:26:07,670 --> 00:26:10,470
chill your boots, chill your hips,
chill your lips, chill your...

444
00:26:10,670 --> 00:26:11,630
just chill, just chill.

445
00:26:11,830 --> 00:26:14,150
To be honest, I think we've
got off on the wrong foot.

446
00:26:14,350 --> 00:26:17,030
Alice, have you ever seen her dance?

447
00:26:17,230 --> 00:26:19,350
She is like two Wayne Sleeps.
I don't mean in size.

448
00:26:19,550 --> 00:26:21,550
She she's a very, very dainty girl.

449
00:26:21,750 --> 00:26:24,830
Alice has an inherited
glandular disorder.

450
00:26:25,030 --> 00:26:26,670
She's not fat, as you called her.

451
00:26:26,870 --> 00:26:28,710
It's phat with a "ph".

452
00:26:28,910 --> 00:26:29,830
Alfie.

453
00:26:30,030 --> 00:26:30,750
What?

454
00:26:30,950 --> 00:26:32,590
About the class, erm...

455
00:26:32,790 --> 00:26:35,510
Look. I don't want to
talk about it, all right.

456
00:26:35,710 --> 00:26:38,870
No, I just wanted to say that
I was really, really impressed.

457
00:26:39,070 --> 00:26:40,070
You did exactly what I said.

458
00:26:40,270 --> 00:26:44,270
You helped them understand
it's OK not to rush things,

459
00:26:44,470 --> 00:26:46,790
by being honest about yourself.

460
00:26:46,990 --> 00:26:48,350
Really?

461
00:26:48,550 --> 00:26:50,230
Yes, Alfie. Really.

462
00:26:52,110 --> 00:26:53,630
See you tomorrow.

463
00:26:55,390 --> 00:26:57,830
Now, AlfBo.
Why are you calling me that?

464
00:26:58,030 --> 00:27:00,390
SuBo, never been kissed.
Never call me that again.

465
00:27:00,590 --> 00:27:02,750
So, Mumsnet is back online,
and it is not good.

466
00:27:02,950 --> 00:27:06,750
There is, what can only be described as
an angry hate mob demanding I sack you.

467
00:27:06,950 --> 00:27:11,630
Yeah, but luckily I've hit on a way
of you taking a brief sabbatical.

468
00:27:11,830 --> 00:27:13,470
You know what they say,
out of sight,

469
00:27:13,670 --> 00:27:16,910
out of murderous, angry minds.

470
00:27:17,110 --> 00:27:18,190
Right?

471
00:27:18,390 --> 00:27:24,670
Did you know Hoogeveen has
one of Holland's oldest peat farms?

472
00:27:25,710 --> 00:27:26,910
What?

473
00:27:33,990 --> 00:27:35,230
Virgins say what?

474
00:27:35,430 --> 00:27:37,470
What?

475
00:27:44,230 --> 00:27:49,230
This is going to be the longest
coach journey of your life.

476
00:27:49,430 --> 00:27:51,870
HE LAUGHS MISCHIEVOUSLY