Do you think they have yesterday's Daily News?
MONICA: Why? - I just wanna check my horoscope...
...see if it was right.
Oh, my God. Phoebe. Don't look now, but, behind you there's a guy...
...who has the potential to break our hearts and plunge us into depression.
Where?
Ooh, come to Mama.
Okay, he's coming. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool.
- Nice hat. BOTH: Thanks.
- We should do something. Whistle. - We're not gonna whistle.
- Yeah, come on, do it. - No.
- Do it. Do it. Do it. - Woo-hoo!
[AMBULANCE SIRENS WAILING]
[TIRES SQUEALING THEN THUD]
I can't believe you did that.
MONICA: Why did I woo-hoo?
I mean, what was I hoping? He'd turn around and say:
"Ooh, I love that sound. I must have you now"?
I just wish there was something we could do.
[EKG BEEPING]
Hello. Hello, coma guy.
Get up, you Girl Scout! Up, up, up!
- Phoebe, what are you doing? - Maybe nobody's tried this.
I wish we at least knew his name.
Would you look at that face?
I mean, even sleeping he looks smart. I bet he's a lawyer.
Yeah, but did you see the dents in his knuckles? That means he's artistic.
Okay. He's a lawyer who teaches sculpting on the side.
And he can dance.
And he's the kind of guy who, when you're talking, he's listening...
...you know, and not saying, "Yeah, I understand"...
...but wondering what you look like naked. - Oh, stop it.
I wish all guys could be like him.
I know.
Are there no conscious men in the city for you two?
- He doesn't have anyone. - Yeah. We feel kind of responsible.
I can't believe you said, "Woo-hoo."
I don't even say, "Woo-hoo."
Oh, she's coming up. She's coming up.
Folks, when we come back...
...we'll talk about her new book Euphoria Unbound...
...with always-interesting Nora Tyler Bing. Put the kids to bed for this one.
Don't watch this. Weekend at Bernie's is on Showtime and HBO and Cinemex.
- No way. - Come on. She's your mom.
Exactly. Weekend at Bernie's.
Dead guy getting hit in the groin 20, 30 times.
- No? - Chandler, I gotta tell you...
...I love your mom's books. I love her books.
I cannot get on a plane without one. I mean, this is so cool.
You wouldn't think it's cool if you were 11...
...and all your friends were passing around page 79 of Mistress Bitch.
Come on, Chandler. I love your mom. I think she's a blast.
- You can say that. She's not your mom. ROSS: Oh, please. She's the...
RACHEL: Hi, sweetie.
When did Rigatoni get back from Rome?
- Last night. - Really?
So then his plane didn't explode in a big ball of fire?
Just a dream I had.
But, phew.
Hey, hey, hey. She's on.
Ah. Nora Bing.
Before we get to the book.
What is this about you being arrested in London? What is that about?
- Your mom was arrested? - Shh, I'm busy beaming with pride.
This is kind of embarrassing...
...but occasionally after I've been intimate with a man...
- Why would she say that's embarrassing? - Shh.
- I just get this craving for Kung Pao chicken.
That's too much information.
So now you're doing this book tour thing. How's that going?
Oh, fine. I'm leaving for New York tomorrow, which I hate.
But I get to see my son, who I love.
GROUP: Oh.
This is the way that I find out. Most moms use the phone.
You know, don't take this wrong, I just don't see you as a mom somehow.
- I don't mean that bad. - Oh, no. I'm a fabulous mom.
I bought my son his first condoms.
And then he burst into flames.
[EKG BEEPING]
MONICA: Let's see. "Congress is debating a new deficit-reduction bill.
The mayor wants to raise subway fares again.
The high today was 45."
And, oh. And teams played sports.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
PHOEBE: What about Glen? MONICA: No.
- He could be a Glen. - Mm-mm. Not special enough.
Ooh, how about Agamemnon?
Way too special.
I'm famished. What do I want?
Please, God, don't let it be Kung Pao chicken.
Oh, you watched the show. What did you think?
Well, I think you need to come out of your shell just...
What is this dive?
- Only you could've picked this place. - Oh.
Come on. Shut up. It's fun.
- Hi. NORA: Give me a hug.
- Well, I think we're ready for some tequila. - I know I am.
- Who's doing shots? - Hit me.
- I'm in. - There you go. Ross?
Uh, I'm not really a shot-drinking kind of guy.
Hi. Sorry. Sorry we're late.
We, uh, kind of just, you know, lost track of time.
But a man can change.
Anyone want me to appraise anything?
Mrs. Bing, I have to tell you, I've read everything you've ever written.
No, I mean it. When I read Euphoria at Midnight...
...all I wanted to do was become a writer.
Oh, please, honey. If I can do it, anybody can.
You just start with half a dozen European cities...
...throw in 30 euphemisms for male genitalia...
...and, bam, you have got yourself a book.
My mother, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah, any messages for room 226?
- You okay, slugger? - Oh, yeah. I'm fine. I'm fine.
What is with you tonight?
Nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing.
NORA: Okay, thank you.
It's the Italian hand-licker, isn't it?
No. It's the one he's licking.
She's supposed to be with you.
You're good.
Oh, Ross, listen to me. I have sold 100 million copies of my books...
...and you know why?
The girl on the cover with her nipples showing?
No, because I know how to write men that women fall in love with.
Believe me, I cannot sell a Paolo.
People will not turn 325 pages for a Paolo.
Come on. The guy's a secondary character.
He's just a... You know, a complication you eventually kill off.
When?
He's not a hero.
You know who our hero is?
The guy on the cover with his nipples showing?
No, it's you.
- Please. - No, really.
Come on. You're smart. You're sexy.
- Right. - Oh, come on, kiddo.
You're gonna be fine, believe me.
Uh-oh.
Uh, I'll just pee in the street.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Is Chandler here?
- Yeah. - Wait. Come here.
Okay, uh, about last night...
...um, you know...
...Chandler. You didn't tell...
Okay, I'm thinking we don't need to tell Chandler.
It was just a kiss. One kiss. No big deal, right?
- Right. No big deal. - Okay.
In Bizarro-world.
You broke the code.
- What code? - You don't kiss your friend's mom.
Sisters are okay. Maybe a hot-looking aunt.
But not a mom. Never a mom.
[ALL SHOUTING]
What are you guys doing out here?
Uh, well, Joey and I had discussed getting in an early morning racquetball game.
But, um, apparently somebody overslept.
Yeah, well, you don't have your racquet.
No. No, I don't, because it's being restrung.
Ahem. Somebody was supposed to bring me one.
Yeah. Well, you didn't call and leave your grip size.
Okay, you guys are spending way too much time together.
Okay, I'm scum. I'm scum.
- Ross, how could you let this happen? - I don't know.
Well, it's not like she's a regular mom. You know? She's sexy. She's...
You don't think my mom's sexy?
Well, not in the same way.
I'll have you know that Gloria Tribbiani...
...was a handsome woman in her day, all right?
You think it's easy giving birth to seven children?
Huh?
Okay, I think we're getting into a weird area here.
- Aah. - Hey.
- What are you guys doing out here?
Well, ha, ha, not playing racquetball.
- He forgot to leave his grip size. - He didn't get the goggles.
Oh. Right.
Well, sounds like you two have issues.
Goodbye, baby.
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
Do they wait for me to do this?
- So are you gonna tell him? - I'm not gonna tell him.
- Why would I tell him? - How about, because if you don't...
...his mother might? - Hmm.
What are you guys doing here?
Uh, he's not even wearing a jock strap.
What did I ask?
[EKG BEEPING]
- Hi. - Hi.
What are you doing here?
Nothing. I just thought I'd stop by, you know, after the, ahem...
That I, you know. Um, so, what are you doing here?
I'm not really here.
I just thought I'd drop these off on the way. My way.
Do you, um, come here a lot...
...without me?
No, no, no.
So, um, do you think he's doing any better than he was this morning?
How would I know? I wasn't here.
Really? Not even to, um, change his pajamas?
Oh, my God.
You're my friend. I had to tell you.
I can't believe it.
Paolo kissed my mom?
Yeah, I mean, I don't know if you noticed, but he had a lot to drink.
I mean, you know how he gets when he's drunk...
I can't do this. I did it.
It was me. I'm sorry. I kissed your mom.
What?
I was really upset about Rachel and Paolo and I think I had too much tequila...
...and Nora... Mrs. Mom, your Bing, was...
She was just being nice, you know? But nothing happened.
Nothing. Ask Joey. Joey came in...
- You knew about this? - Uh...
You know, knowledge is a tricky thing.
I spent the entire day with you. Why didn't you tell me?
Hey, hey. You're lucky I caught them when I did...
...or else who knows what would've happened?
Thanks, man. Big help.
I can't believe this. What the hell were you thinking?
I wasn't. I don't know. I...
Of all my friends, no one knows the crap I go through with my mom more than you.
- I know. - I can't believe you did this.
- Me neither. - I'm mad at you for not telling me.
- What are you mad at me...? - Let me slam the door.
Chandler, I didn't kiss her. He did.
See what happens when you break the code?
- Joey. - Aah! Uh.
- Rach. - Hey.
"A Woman Undone. By Rachel Karen Green."
Yeah, I thought I'd give it a shot. I'm still on the first chapter.
Now, do you think his "love stick" can be "liberated from its denim prison"?
Yeah, I'd say so.
And there's no "J" in "engorged."
- Hey, Rach. - Hey.
- Hello. - Hello.
- You going to the hospital tonight? - No. You?
No. You?
You just asked me.
Okay, maybe it was a trick question.
- Um, Rachel, can we do this now? - Okay.
I am so hot.
And here's a picture of my mother and father on their wedding day.
Now, you tell me she's not a knockout.
I cannot believe we're having this conversation.
Come on, just try to picture her not pregnant. That's all.
Central Perk is proud to present Miss Phoebe Buffay.
[CROWD CHEERING]
PHOEBE: Thanks.
Hi. Um, ahem. Okay.
I'd like to start with a song that's about a man I recently met...
...who's, um, come to be very important to me.
Okay.
[SINGING] You don't have to be awake To be my man
Long as you have brain waves I'll be there to hold your hand
Though we just met the other day
There's something I have got to say
Okay, thank you very much. I'm gonna take a short break.
RACHEL: Okay, that was Phoebe Buffay, everybody. Whoo!
- What the hell was that? - Phoebe just started...
I believe I was talking to Joey. All right, there, mother-kisser?
[LAUGHING]
"Mother-kisser."
I'll shut up.
Chandler, can I say something? I know you're still mad at me.
I just wanna say that there were two people there that night, okay?
- There were two sets of lips. - Yes, well, I expect this from her.
Okay? She's always been a Freudian nightmare.
Okay, but if she always behaves like this, why don't you say something?
Because it's complicated. It's complex.
Hey, you kissed my mom.
We're rehearsing a Greek play.
- That's funny. We done now? - No.
Okay, you mean you're not gonna talk to her, tell her how you feel?
That would be a no. Just because you played tonsil tennis with my mom...
...doesn't mean you know her, all right? Trust me, you can't talk to her.
Okay. "You can't"? Or you can't?
Okay, that's my finger. Okay, that's my knee.
Still doing the play.
[SHOUTS THEN HUMS]
All right, what did you do with him?
[TOILET FLUSHES]
- You're awake. - Look at you.
How do you feel?
Uh, a little woozy, but basically okay.
Gosh, you look good.
I feel good.
Who are you?
- Sorry. - I'm Phoebe Buffay.
I'm Monica Geller. I've been taking care of you.
We both have.
- So the Etch A Sketch is from you guys? - Actually, it's just from me.
- Yeah, I got you the foot massager. - Know who shaved you? That was me.
- I read to you. - I sang. Ha.
Well, thanks.
- Oh, my pleasure. - You're welcome.
So I guess I'll see you around.
What? That's it?
"See you around"?
- Well, what do you want me to say? - Well, I don't know.
Maybe, uh:
"That was nice.
It meant something to me.
I'll call you."
- All right. I'll call you. - I don't think you mean that.
This is so typical.
You know, we give...
...and we give...
...and we give.
And then we just get nothing back.
And then one day, it's just, you know, you wake up and "See you around."
Let's go, Phoebe.
You know what? We thought you were different.
But I guess it was just the coma.
NORA: The car's running downstairs.
I wanted to drop off these copies of my book for your friends.
- Anything you want from Lisbon? - No, just knowing you're there is enough.
All right. Well, be good. I love you.
You kissed my best Ross.
Or something to that effect.
Okay.
Look, it was stupid.
- Really stupid. - Really stupid.
And I don't even know how it happened.
I'm sorry, honey. I promise it will never happen again.
- Are we okay now? - Yeah.
No. No.
Ah, the forbidden love of a man and his door.
Shh.
He did it. He told her off. And not just about the kiss, about everything.
- You're kidding? - No.
He said, "When are you gonna grow up and start being a mom?"
- Wow. - Wait, then she came back with:
"The question is, when are you gonna grow up and realize I have a bomb?"
Okay, wait. Are you sure she didn't say:
"When are you gonna grow up and realize I am your mom?"
- That makes more sense. - You think?
Yeah.
So, what's going on now?
I don't know. I've been standing here spelling it out for you.
I don't hear anything. Wait, wait, wait.
What do you see?
It's hard to tell. They're so tiny and upside down.
Wait, wait, wait.
They're walking away. They're walking away.
No, they're not. They're coming right at us. Run, run!
You okay, kiddo?
- Yeah, I'm okay. - All right. You be good.
Drive safe.
[CHUCKLES]
- Mrs. Bing. - Mr. Geller.
Hey.
You mean that?
Yeah, why not?
- So I told her. - Oh.
- How did it go? - Awful. Awful.
Couldn't have gone worse.
- Well, how do you feel? - Pretty good.
I told her.
Well, see?
So maybe it wasn't such a bad idea, you know, me kissing your mom, huh?
But we don't have to go down that road.
Now, this is just the first chapter...
...and I want your absolute honest opinion. Okay?
Oh, and on page two, he's not reaching for her "heaving beasts."
What's a "niffle"?
You can usually find them on the heaving beasts.
All right, all right, so I'm not a great typist.
Wait, did you get to the part about his "huge, throbbing pens"?
Tell you, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those.
- All right, that's it. Give them back. GROUP: No.