-Hey, Michael. -Hey, girls.
What are you guys doing here? You going home?
Well, l'll go with you.
What timing.
So, what are you guys gonna do tonight?
-Not much. -Kappa Omega party.
Oh, yeah, Kappa Omega. l heard about those dudes.
Aren't they the big homo house?
l suppose one might try to poke fun at it...
if one were insecure about one's own masculinity.
Yeah, l hate guys like that. They're so immature.
Hey, beautiful, want a ride?
No, thanks, Steve, l'll just walk.
Oh, Michael, you're so mature.
-See you tonight, Ton. -Bye, Deb.
So, slick, what are you gonna do tonight?
Does she really like that guy?
Debbie, l think, likes the idea of going out with older guys.
Yeah? What about you?
Me? Oh, l have no standards. l'd even go out with you.
Toni, we've been friends too long.
Besides, l do have standards, so that'll never happen.
Homo.
What if l grew a mustache?
Do you think Debbie would go out with me if l grew a mustache?
Well, l don't know. Can you?
Well, if you can do it, l can.
Dickhead, we were waiting for you in the parking lot.
Come on. We got some crucial partying to do at your place.
-See you, Toni. -Bye, Michael.
-Hi, Toni. -Hello, Roger.
Come here.
Do you got a ride?
No, actually, l don't.
Gee, that's too bad.
Party!
Bologna? Peanut butter?
Yeah, but forget that strawberry shit.
Bring the boysenberry syrup.
And white bread. Whole-wheat makes me fart.
We know.
Come on, let's get out of here.
Do you have any brie?
Come on, you homo.
Come here, you guys. Help me carry some of this stuff.
Come on. How am l gonna--hey.
Open sesame.
Party!
-Brewski! -Beer!
Brew!
All right!
Summer!
Ah, summer.
Great. l got no job.
l got no woman. l got no money.
l'll probably be spending the next 3 months with you guys.
Oh, l'm depressed, fellas.
Uh-oh. Barry's depressed.
Yeah, right. Listen to this.
"Three international banks...
"predict dire consequences for the European community...
"if the dollar takes a sudden plunge."
You're too fucking weird for words, Ricardo.
You're abusing this magazine, Ricardo.
This magazine isn't for reading. lt's for beating off.
Well, what do we have here?
-Hey, guys, give me that. -What?
-Give me the envelope. -The envelope, sir.
Baby.
Come on, Michael.
You guys are a bunch of fucking assholes, you know that?
lt's obvious that nobody has any respect for a man's privacy.
-Thank you, Roger. -No problem.
Holy shit. Listen to this.
"l don't know how to tell you what l want to tell you...
"so l'm writing it down.
"l'll never find the nerve to give you this letter anyway.
"When l look at you, l can't take my eyes off of you."
Kirkpatrick, did you write this?
You wish.
"l long to have your arms around me...
"and feel your body against mine."
Whoa, radical.
"l know you don't feel like l do...
"which is why l don't have the courage to sign this.
"But l just love you more than words can say.
"X-X-X...
"O-O-O...
"X-X-X."
Michael, who wrote this?
l haven't even seen the letter yet, dog-breath.
Boy, l sure know who l wish it was from.
Yeah, Deborah Anne Fimple.
Oh, come on.
No way. She goes out with college guys.
Yeah, that's exactly what she wants us to think.
When they want you the most, that's when they want you...
to think they want you the least.
Wait a minute.
Somebody's in love with Michael, and we don't know who it is.
Quite a grasp of the situation there, Douglas.
Why would a great girl like Fimple...
go out with a yahoo like him?
Hey, wait a minute, you guys.
Now, what makes us so sure that the Fimple...
would not go out with a yahoo like Mike?
Reality.
Has she ever turned him down for a date?
No, and you want to know why?
Because he has never asked her out for a date.
And if a girl like Deborah Anne Fimple...
were actually in love with Michael...
she wouldn't ask him out.
She'd wait for him to ask her out.
And maybe--just maybe--
she's been waitin' all year.
Gentlemen, as far as l can see...
there's only one way to find out.
lt's gonna take a pretty gnarly pair of 'nads.
Kappa Omega party...
tonight.
There's Jocko's car.
Yeah, l can see the car, Rog.
-What the hell is that? -Moose head.
Where is she?
l'll find her. She's got to be in here somewhere.
Eureka.
Here.
Second floor balcony, up to the right.
Shit, he's got his hand on her ass.
That should be my hand.
All right, you guys. lt's not gonna be easy in there.
lt's gonna be dangerous. Some of us might get hurt.
Some of us might not even come back...
but that's the risk we got to take...
for our compadre, Miguel.
And Doug, Barry, Kirkpatrick, and myself are very proud...
that you will be taking that risk with him...
while we monitor your every move...
right here from command headquarters.
What, you guys ain't going?
The man's a genius.
All right, Miguel. lt looks like it's just you and me.
Supplies.
Better drink it.
All of it.
Delta chi. Sigma cum laude.
What's happening?
Oh, my God, Oh, my God. Here she comes, here she comes.
So, you want something?
Yeah, a tiny sandwich and a cocktail.
OK. l'll take care of the gorilla.
The rest is up to you.
-Hey, aren't you Steve Powers? -Yeah.
Don't you drive a little red Alpha?
Well, l think l saw some guys breaking into it.
-What? -Yeah, when l was coming up.
Looks like they were cutting into the convertible.
Oh, shit.
Yeah, about four or five of the biggest dudes l ever saw.
Hey, guys, somebody's breaking into my car. Come on, come on.
Michael, what are you doing here?
-Hi. -Are you all right?
l got a letter today-- a really nice one.
Well, that's nice, Michael.
"When l look at you, l can't take my eyes off you."
What did you say?
l said, "When l look at you, l can't take my eyes off you...
"and when you look at me, l have to turn away...
"because l'm afraid you might see how much you mean to me."
Michael, are you drunk?
"l long to have your arms around me...
"and feel your body against mine."
Are you crazy?
"lt makes me want to be near you.
"You're not like anybody else at all.
"You're too wonderful for words.
"l know you don't feel like l do, but l just love--"
What the fuck do you think you're doing here?
What am l doing here? Well, who can say, Steve?
Now, that's a question we ask ourselves every day, isn't it?
l said, what the fuck do you think you're doing here?
Oh, Michael, there you are. l've been looking all over for you.
-Did you invite this guy? -Steve, he's a great dancer.
Here's a good song. You want to dance?
Nice talking to you, Steve.
Hey, asshole.
No, not you, the other asshole.
One more crack out of you, Wisenheimer...
and l'm going to butter your necktie.
Well put, Rog.
Hey, Leon, stop them ! Grab those guys!
Great. There's Roger and Michael--running.
There's eighty guys coming this way.
-Egads! -This is a great party.
-Start the car. -Open the back.
Start the car! We're going to fucking die!
Hurry up! Hurry up!
Come on!
Hurry up! Come on, man!
Slow down, Ricardo!
Hold on! We lost Roger! We lost Rog!
Pussies!
Hold on!
What the hell's he doing?
What the hell are you doing?
-Uh-oh. -Shit!
Steven, long time no see.
Hold on!
The asshole's gonna run the fence!
Holy shit!
Oh, shit! Look at that!
All right!
Aw, shit!
Out of my way! Let me out of here!
Women and children first, you fuck.
Thanks.
Rog, what are you doing?
Let's get out of here!
You better keep running, you wimps!
Hey, they left us some beer, guys!
Michael, what are you doing here?
Come on, you want to do something?
Are you all right? What happened?
Everything. Come on, l'll tell you about it.
-Now? -Yeah, now.
Shh! Be quiet. You'll wake my father.
Shh! Be quiet. You'll wake your father.
l can't believe l said those things to Deborah Anne Fimple.
l mean, why didn't l just walk up to her and say...
"Hey, Debbie, l'm an asshole"?
Well, l think she knows.
Fucking Roger. Jesus, how could l believe that guy?
Telling me that Deborah Anne Fimple...
wrote me a love letter. Jesus Christ.
She wrote you a letter?
l bet it was Ricardo.
l'm going to kick his ass.
-What did this letter say? -Everything l said to Debbie.
lt sounded pretty good to me.
lt wasn't good. lt was great.
lt was the best thing l ever read.
lt was like "Tender is the Night"...
or "The Way We Were."
Ricardo's dead meat.
You know, this isn't really that comfortable.
-Oh, here. -Oh, thanks.
What a night.
We thrashed Roger's van.
You know, maybe the letter's real.
Maybe somebody really is in love with you.
l just wish l knew why l loved her so much.
l mean, l think about her all the time.
She's so beautiful.
Everything about her. She's perfect.
l hate Steve Powers.
She's probably letting him feel her up right now.
-Ouch. -l'm sorry.
Well, l guess things could be worse.
l mean, l could be at the hospital...
having Steve's fist removed from my larynx.
Thanks for saving me.
lf you're so gaga about Debbie, why don't you call her up...
tell her to dump Steve and give you a shot?
Yeah, right. After tonight?
You could always write her a letter.
l hate writing. Besides, she'd just tear it up.
Well, not if she didn't know who it came from.
-What do you mean? -Well, don't sign it.
Just have somebody else give it to her.
And this way, if she doesn't like it...
she'll never even know who wrote it.
You could give it to her.
Naw. l don't know.
Well, l'll see you.
You're really a good friend.
"Dear Debbie...
"You are so..."
"so..."
Shit.
"l long to have your arms around me...
"and feel your body--"
Whoa, radical!
-Morning, sweetheart. -Hi, mom.
What are you doing up so early?
Summer vacation-- got a lot to do.
Like what?
Bunch of guys are meeting at the park.
Got to try to pick up some women.
What are you gonna do with them after you pick them up?
l don't know. What did Dad use to do with you?
Stuff l hope you won't try until you're a lot older.
What's that?
-Breakfast. -Looks disgusting.
lt's good. Want to try?
l'm gonna fix you some eggs and toast.
No, Mom, the guys are waiting. Got to go.
-Jeffrey. -Mom, l got to go.
Honey! You'll need some money to buy a decent lunch.
OK, Mom, but a decent lunch could be pretty expensive.
No tacos.
Gracias, se�ora.
Oh, my God.
Morning, dear.
Morning.
-What's the matter? -l got something in my eye.
What is that?
-Breakfast. -That looks disgusting.
-Want me to fix you something? -No, thanks, l'm in a hurry.
l'll just catch a doughnut at the office.
You have class tonight?
Yeah, right. lt's Thursday. Yeah.
Will you be home right after?
Honey, l'll try.
l just don't know. l may have to stay after.
l'll get home as soon as l can, but don't wait up.
You just go to bed, and l'll slip in quietly.
You lying son of a bitch. How could you?
Mom?
You OK? What's the matter?
Oh, it's the mailman.
He said he'd be here at 8:00, and he's not here.
Nobody keeps their word anymore. They're all lying bastards!
Hi, Michael. How you doing?
My mother's in there crying. l hope you're happy.
Mom.
Everything's OK, Mom.
l don't think he's going to be late again.
Thank you, Michael.
-Hello, Elizabeth. -Hi, George.
Oh, George, could l borrow your textbook for a second?
Tonight, we're going to cover the two types of costs...
associated with manufacturing processes.
That would be "variable" and "fixed."
There's a chart in your textbooks on page 98...
that will help illustrate what l'm talking about.
Everyone have the page?
You'll notice on the graph that the variable contributions...
to profit on each item will be such...
that the break-even point will be obtained...
when "x" number of units are produced.
Now, that break-even point...
is solely determined by your costs.
Now, variable costs include direct material, direct labor...
and overhead applicable to each individual unit.
Who in the class would like to define "fixed costs" for us?
No one wants to define "fixed costs?"
Michael, over here.
Toni, l'm sorry l'm late, just...
writing this thing just took forever.
l don't know. l think it's pretty good.
l don't know. just give it to her.
What's that?
Oh, that's just the thing for School Afloat.
You're gonna spend your senior year on a boat?
l leave on the fifteenth.
l didn't know you were gonna do this. Why didn't you tell me?
l just did.
-Ready to order? -Yeah, l am. Michael?
No, no, no, l'm too nervous. l couldn't eat anything.
You go ahead.
l'll have a meatball sandwich and another Pepsi.
-Good enough. -Oh, wait a minute.
l'll have a Pepsi, too.
Pepsi. Anything else?
No, no. Well, uh...
you're having a meatball sandwich?
Make it a meatball sandwich.
Meatball sandwich.
That's two meatball sandwiches and two Pepsis. ls that it?
You don't feel like having any pizza, do you?
Give me a small--
No, no, no, make it a medium.
ln fact, give me a large pizza.
That's two meatball sandwiches, two Pepsis...
and a large pizza. Everything on it?
No, no, just cheese.
And olive.
And mushrooms.
And sausage.
Everything.
Hold the onions.
God, when are you gonna give this thing to her?
Are you going to give it to her tonight?
How am l gonna eat all that food?
Before we go, l just want to say one thing.
l know all of you work very hard during the day...
and l'm sure that you could think...
of some more exciting ways to spend your evenings...
but remember that the degree that you earn in here...
can spell more money for you out there.
No sacrifice, no reward.
That's it. Thank you.
l think we better talk.
l'll help you any way l can, George.
What are you having trouble with?
l just--Elizabeth, my God. l mean, sooner or later...
you have to ask yourself if it's worth it.
Yes, George, it is.
You've got guts.
George, it's not that hard.
You just have to be willing to spend the time.
l know, l know, but l'm married.
l am, too, but l'm really taking the time...
and it's well worth it.
There's this great sense of accomplishment.
Wait. You've been through this before?
George, l've been doing this for years.
George, are you worried about Connie?
You have the most understanding wife in the world.
You just have to give her a little time.
You know, l had that problem with Lou in the beginning.
At first, they're a little threatened...
but that's only natural, and then they get used to it.
And after a couple of years,
they get behind it a hundred percent...
once they realize what a really good thing it is.
My God.
Where have l been?
We've known each other a long time.
Don't back out now, George.
You're absolutely right, Liz.
We have known each other a long time...
and l can't deny that l haven't felt like this, too...
but l never thought that you, Elizabeth--
l'm--l'm sorry.
l'll call you next week.
This is good. l think this is good.
l think you're right. Thank you.
l know it's a long shot...
but if this letter thing does work out...
and l do get to go out with Debbie...
how do you think l should handle it?
Handle what?
Come on, Ton, she's going out with Steve Powers.
That dude's twenty years old.
She's gonna expect something.
Michael, are you saying that you don't know what to do?
No, no, no, no. l know what to do.
l just don't want to do too much.
Then again, l don't want to do too little.
l want to do what she expects me to do.
l think that you have to let these things happen naturally.
Well, Toni, l'm not a natural guy.
That's true. Michael, l don't know.
l think if it's meant to happen...
between two people, it'll happen.
You can't push it.
Right.
Toni, look, can l tell you something?
But you got to promise not to tell anybody. Anybody.
l promise.
Well, if you have to get absolutely technical...
l've never really done it.
Oh, come on.
What about you and Carol Lombardo?
What about me and Carol Lombardo?
The field trip. She spent the night in your tent...
told everybody you guys went all the way.
Yeah, well, Carol Lombardo's idea of going all the way...
is talking about it all night long...
then falling asleep before the big bang.
You never did it?
-Really? -Really.
Carol Lombardo really bragged about that night.
l know l'll never forget it.
l've never done it, either.
Oh, get out of here, Toni.
Roger's my best friend. He tells me everything.
l went out with Roger exactly two times.
Well, according to Roger...
it wasn't the quantity of time you spent together.
lt was the quality of time you spent together.
Apparently, it was pretty high-grade stuff.
What exactly did he say?
Come on, Toni, that's between you and Rog.
lt's none of my business.
-What did he say? -Toni, don't.
He just said you guys were kissing and stuff.
His exact words, Michael.
He said that you boffed his brains out in his van.
Thank you. Come again. Have a nice night.
Hey, thanks, zitface!
Zitface. They called our friend zitface.
Oh, God, they're so unkind.
Come on, you guys. Would you quit screwing around?
l'm trying to work here.
l have to pay for my van, which Duran Duran here thrashed.
Welcome to the Dancing Burger.
Can l take your order, please?
Roger, is that you?
Yeah. Who's this?
l hear you're quite a ladies' man.
Ladies' man? Zitface?
Yeah, well, you heard right.
Why don't you cruise up to the window...
so's we can take a better look at you?
Well, l'll come up just as soon as you tell me one thing.
Did you tell your friends...
l boffed your brains out in your van?
l thought so.
This is so cool.
Toni, not my van!
Come on, Toni! You're gonna regret this!
l just got it fixed the other--no, Toni!
Please don't do this to me!
Oh, no, no! You're gonna regret it!
Toni, l'm gonna kill you! Don't--
Roger, come back here!
Toni, don't do that to me!
You got work to do.
-No, Toni! -Get in here!
Oh, there's my dinner!
Boy, is she pissed.
The exact phrase l was searching for.
Go, baby!
Jesus!
You're one gutsy virgin.
lt's none of your business.
"My dearest darling...
"l love you more than yesterday...
"and more than all of yesterday's tomorrows."
"Nothing is as dear to me as are you"?
Oh, Michael, this is dog-doo.
"Love is the flower of time...
"and every petal that falls...
"is an eternal moment without you"?
Jesus, what'd you do, go to a greeting-card store?
"l have finally found the courage...
"to write you a letter."
"You may never know...
"who l am...
"but that hasn't stopped you...
"from giving me...
"the greatest gift...
"l've ever known."
ldiot.
"lf for just one brief moment...
"l could feel your lips against mine..."
"l would die a happy man."
l'm in love. l think this is the most beautiful letter...
l've ever read in my entire life.
lt's even better than the one l got from Jimmy Wyatt.
He was so in love with me.
But this, this is so... You got to tell me who wrote it.
l can't.
-Toni, you're my best friend. -l am?
Well, close enough.
Goddamn it, tell me who wrote it.
Debbie, l promised. l'm sorry.
l hate you.
-Anybody home? -ln here, Mom !
Hi, Toni. How are you?
-Fine, Mrs. Fimple. How are you? -Good. Hi, sweetheart.
Where's your father?
He pulled a night shift.
The one night l don't teach. l can't stand it.
Who wrote the fucking letter?
l think it's time for me to go.
Toni, how can you stand in the way?
l could very possibly...
be extremely in love with this person.
l mean, he's obviously in love with me.
-Well, what about Steve? -Well, what about Steve?
Well, Debbie, l heard that you were boffing his brains out.
What? Who told you that?
Do you know Roger?
Works at the Dancing Burger, drives a beat-up van?
Oh, that little shit.
Well, anyway, you're going out with Steve.
l thought that was pretty serious.
How can anyone be serious about a stupid jock like--Steve!
-Hi, Steve. -Ton.
-Bye, Deb. -Hi, babe.
Hi, Steve.
That's my name, honey, don't wear it out.
Hey, how about a kiss for old Stevie, huh?
Come and get it.
ls your old man home?
Take your hands off my daughter, fruitlips.
Hi, Mr., uh, Lt. Fimple.
How are you, sir?
OK, Jocko. What about yourself?
Holy shit. You're getting pretty big.
What you curling these days besides your hair, handjob?
Daddy.
One-fifteen, three sets of ten, sir.
-What's two and two? -Daddy!
Just kidding, Steverino.
-One more thing, loverboy. -Oh, God.
You get her pregnant, l'll blow your dick off.
Daddy!
l want to die.
-She really liked it, huh? -Yes, Michael.
She really liked it.
Did she say, "l really like it"?
Michael, she loved it, OK?
She loved it. Whoa.
l think l ought to write her another one. What do you think?
You think l ought to write her another one?
Jesus.
Please, Toni, you got to tell me who this is.
All right. You want to meet him tonight?
-Hello? -Hi, it's me.
Do you want to meet her tonight?
Tonight? You mean, "tonight" tonight?
Tonight.
Yeah, sure, OK. Does she know who l am?
No. That's why she wants to meet you.
-l'm ready. What time? -8:00? McCambridge park?
OK, thanks a lot, Toni. Thank you so much...
and what do you think l should wear?
A paper bag over your head.
He's all yours.
Oh, God! Thank you so much, Toni.
You're really my best friend.
What do you think l should wear?
Something demure.
Oh, Christian Demure. l got tons of her stuff.
How are you?
Look, Michael, l'm waiting for someone, OK?
-So if you don't mind... -Yeah, well, it's me.
-What's you? -l'm the one you're waiting for.
Michael, l'm really not in the mood, OK?
l wrote the letters.
The ones Toni gave you. l wrote 'em.
You?
Holy shit.
Last week when you kissed me...
-l never thought that-- -Neither did l.
But that letter, George...
l know, l know. lt was so filled with emotion.
-Oh, yes, it was. -Well, maybe we should--
l don't know. Do you want to?
Maybe we should just...
have a cup of coffee.
Coffee, that's good.
That's very good.
A cup of coffee, that's very good.
Here. Let me carry those books.
Oh. Thank you.
l don't drink coffee.
Neither do l.
-Are you hungry? -Well, l am, yes.
Oh, thank you, George.
Ryan.
George Ryan.
Lousy scumbag.
Do you believe this?
No, l can't believe it.
Well, l can't stand it.
Oh, God, she's touching him !
l'm gonna kill myself.
They're waitin' on a burger here.
How did he get Deborah Anne Fimple?
l don't know, but if Michael can get a date with her...
l guess it's pretty obvious who's gonna be next in line.
Yeah, right.
Oh, God.
l mean, l have never read anything like those letters.
l just fell in love with them.
Your feelings are so amazingly beautiful.
And to be able to put them...
and write them down on paper like that...
l think you're a poet.
What did you mean when you said...
l'd given you the greatest gift you'd ever known?
Well...
naturally, l was referring to the whole giving concept.
You know, the concept of giving.
That's a wonderful concept.
God, Michael.
l just--well, you know.
And this is like...
l mean...
what if you had never written those letters?
l would be out with Steve tonight.
Miguel, compadre, how you doin'?
Do you get the chili burger...
or does this one belong to the lovely lady?
That goes to the lady, Rog. Thank you.
Put it down, Roger.
Debbie, you probably don't remember me...
but l was in your biology class last year.
My name's Roger, Roger Despard, Jr.
l sat in the back.
You remember me?
Roger, do you drive a beat-up van?
That's me!
Put this in your big mouth, you lying little shit!
Nice goin', G.l. Joe.
People just shouldn't shoot their mouths off...
about things they know absolutely nothing about.
-What'd he say? -lt's not important.
He said l boffed Steve Powers' brains out.
He did?
-Yeah. Toni said he did. -Toni said he did?
What's wrong?
People just shouldn't shoot their mouths off...
about things they don't know anything about.
Michael, are you taking me to Kough Park?
Great.
l hate you, Michael.
l love you, Michael.
You know, l haven't been up here since 1965.
Yeah. lt hasn't changed much.
No, except now they know about birth control.
Let's hope so.
Are you ever sorry you didn't marry Ed?
Everybody thought you two would get married...
right after high school.
No. Not after l met Lou.
Lou was it for me.
Yeah. That's pretty much the same for me and Connie.
l like Connie. l like her very much.
Yeah, she's great. She really is. And l like Lou.
The thing about Lou...
l mean, he's just not your average...
l like Lou.
Lou likes you, too.
l'll kill 'em.
Turn on your lights, asshole!
What the hell are you doing? Hey, ass--
-Oh. Hiya, Steve. -Have you seen Debbie?
-Have you seen Debbie, Lynn? -No.
Hey, what--hey!
David, come back in here!
Steve! Steve, l have been looking all over for you.
-Out of my way, Toni. -What are you doing?
-She's out with another guy. -Oh, hi, Steve.
l'm gonna find him and l'm gonna kick the shit out of him.
Steve, forget Debbie.
There's lots of other girls out there...
who would treat you a lot better than Debbie does.
-Yeah? Like who? -Like me.
Can't you, uh...
can't you feel my heart pounding?
Yeah. You got a pretty big heart there.
You, uh... you wanna go somewhere?
Yeah, sure. Why not?
My car's right over there.
Let's go.
You know something, Ton?
l have always liked you.
All the classes were over an hour ago.
Oh, l think my husband just got home.
Thank you very much.
-Lou. -Connie, we have to talk...
but first you gotta promise me you're gonna be strong.
We both have to be strong.
lt's about George.
Bastards.
We shouldn't be here.
George, we shouldn't be here.
We're happily married.
You're right.
Please don't stare at me like that.
l can't help it, l can't help it.
You're so beautiful.
l've wanted you ever since l first saw you...
in your drill-team uniform.
George, why didn't you do anything about it then?
Because...
Because l was a chickenshit.
-Oh, my God! -l knew it. What?
-Oh, my God! -What--l'm sorry.
My daughter is in the next car.
Oh, my God. Oh, God, oh, God. So is my son.
-George, George. -What?
We have to get out of here right now.
-OK, let's go. -Do you think they saw us?
l don't know.
-Hurry, George. -Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!
George, George, George, hurry.
Oh, Lou, l can't believe this.
lt's OK, baby. We're gonna put a stop to this right now.
Shit! We missed them.
They were right here in this spot! Damn it!
You OK, Con?
Oh, Louis, what are we gonna do?
l don't know, baby. l...
don't know.
You know, l haven't been up here since 1965.
Hasn't changed much.
After you.
So...
this is where you live, huh?
Usually you gotta be a junior to have a room like this.
Hey, you want a beer?
Oh, no, thanks.
You got some kind of birth control with you...
or do you want me to wear a rubber?
Steve, is there a bathroom around here?
l've got something with me.
Yeah, right there.
Yeah, Steve, wear a rubber-- wear it over your face.
Oh, shit.
Can you hear me in there, Toni?
l think you better wait a minute.
Look, Toni, l don't think this is gonna work.
l mean, l like you, l think you're a very nice person...
but, l mean, it just doesn't feel right.
l mean, l'm in love with Debbie.
And l wish l wasn't, but l am.
l mean, hell, l got feelings, too.
But l just don't think that you and l should...
you know, l just don't think that you and l should, uh...
l mean, l just don't think we should.
Unless, of course, you really had your heart set on it...
because, you know, l can understand that, too, Ton.
How could they do this to us?
You'd be surprised what people can do, Connie.
l see it every day.
Sometimes l find myself saying to myself...
"Lou, how can people do the things they do?"
l guess they're just--
they're--they're just plain weak, Connie.
l sure never thought Liz was.
l mean, twenty years, and l never cheated on her once.
l never even looked at another man.
First, l wanted to kill 'em-- my wife and my friend.
My husband and my friend.
What the hell we gonna do, Connie?
Fuck 'em.
Oh, God, yes!
Oh, Liz hardly ever does that anymore.
My son's in the next car!
Holy shit! He's with my daughter!
Oh, my God, Lou, what are you doing?
Get back in here. Want them to see us?
Get in here! Get down!
We gotta get out of here.
l don't mean to be a tease...
but this is the first time we've been together...
and l don't think it's right this soon.
Right. Right, it's too soon.
-Would you hand me my bra? -Yeah, sure.
Oh, thank God.
He's not here.
Son of a bitch.
Thanks, Lou.
Holy shit!
You rotten, low-life, son of a bitch!
Oh, my God.
You know, l have never gone out...
with a guy in my own grade before.
Yeah, neither have l.
How old are you?
Seventy-one, seventy-two.
You know, l can't remember. l'm getting so old.
You're sixteen, aren't you?
Well, if you wanna get absolutely technical...
Oh, God! l'm a cradle robber.
Well, come on. l'm gonna be 17 a week from Saturday.
Really? A week from Saturday?
Yeah. That's a very big day for me.
From then on out, it's adios, diapers.
Bonjour, rubber pants.
Oh, shit. There's daddy.
Call me tomorrow?
Promise?
-l had a great time. -Yeah.
Really.
Lyin' bastard, son of a bitch.
That scumbag piece of shit.
Good evening, Mr. Fimple.
Fuck you.
Hi, Ton. lt's Debbie. You gotta help me.
lt's Michael's birthday Saturday...
and l wanna give him a party.
Your parents are still out of town, aren't they?
Well, l was wondering if we could have it at your house.
lt won't be a big one, and l will take care of everything.
-l promise you. -No.
Oh, Toni, please?
You know l can't have it here. You know how my dad is.
Plus they're having bridge club that night.
Debbie, l can't. l promised my parents.
Oh, please, Toni? Please, please, please?
You won't even have to give him a present.
Your house will be the present.
He's taking me out tonight, and l want to be able to tell him.
Oh, you gotta say yes. l'm in love.
Oh, please?
Oh, all right.
Thanks, Ton.
You look great.
l hope so.
l cannot believe how much money l spent shopping today.
l saw this great movie last night.
l must've gone to every single store in the city.
l must've walked at least ten miles.
And then l found the most darling boutique...
you've ever seen in your life.
Actually, that's where l got these gloves.
But they had the most darling accessories...
and jewelry you would die for.
These earrings l saw came down to about here...
with rhinestones and pearls. l should've gotten them.
l think l'll go back for them. But then l went to l. Magnin's.
l mean, they have absolutely everything...
and l bought the greatest dress. God, it is so beautiful.
lt's got all this taffeta with little pleats.
Comes down to right about here. The shoes were the killer.
Took me forever to find a pair that would go with it.
l went to Capezio's, Jourdan's, Bullocks...
and then l finally found these at Henshaws...
and they go with everything, just about.
Those are great. And l love that top.
Oh, this old thing? l got this weeks ago.
Boy, was that a day. Unbelievable.
Must've walked fifteen miles that day.
There's a lot more to shopping...
than just going out and buying stuff.
l mean, not only do you have to know where to go...
but you have to know when to go.
Day after Christmas is the best day of the whole year.
And that's when you get all the best deals.
You can get a whole new wardrobe for half price.
Last year, l--who is it?
Now, take Toni, for instance.
l like Toni a lot. Don't get me wrong.
She does not know the first thing about clothes.
l mean, she could be so much more attractive...
if she just paid a little more attention to what she wore.
Boy, l am so hungry.
l must've walked twenty miles today.
Well, they say food is a substitute for a lack of sex.
Did you see "Doctor Zhivago" last night?
Yeah! That was the movie l saw.
l loved the part where Rod Steiger--
lt was the best ever.
l mean, Julie Christie's clothes are un--
Fuck! Shit! Goddamn it!
Fucking shit! These are my brand-new pants...
and l cannot fucking believe l did this!
Fucking shit!
l have to go to the bathroom. Would you get me some club soda?
Excuse me! Fucking shit!
Damn it!
Can l have some club soda, please?
-Anything else? -No.
What'd you do to Debbie?
She spilled something on her pants.
-Tragedy. -No kidding.
Fifty cents.
Aw, that little shit!
Toni, can l borrow some money, please?
Sure.
Thanks. l'll pay you back. l promise.
Forget it.
l'll see you Saturday.
Hi. Excuse me. Could you do me a favor?
Did you see a girl go in there with a stain on her pants?
Where's the Goddamned club soda?
l'm sorry, Michael.
l guess l wasn't much fun tonight.
No, it's OK. l had a lot of fun.
l'll make it up to you on your birthday.
l promise.
You're probably asking yourself right now...
why your younger and much smaller brother...
is apparently borrowing money from you.
You little shit!
But, Mike! Mike, don't do it!
-Mike! Mom ! -Give me the money.
Here. Take it. What are you gonna do?
Not in mom's rosebushes!
-Hello. -Hello, Liz.
lt's--it's George. Can you talk?
l can talk.
Oh, God, your voice sounds so beautiful over the phone.
l've been thinking about you all week, too.
Well, me, too, George.
But, l just--look, Liz...
l just don't know how it's gonna work.
l mean, l just don't know how it's gonna work.
lt can't. lt can't. l like Connie too much.
God, and l like Lou.
And we're just not these kind of people, George.
Oh, God. l know. Jesus. Sometimes l wish we were.
l know. l know.
So...
So that's it then.
We're doing the right thing, George.
Yeah, yeah. l know. l know we are.
Well, then l'll...
l'll see you around sometime.
l'll see you Saturday.
Goddamn! OK, Liz, if you're willing to take a chance...
so am l. Goddamn it!
l'll meet you Saturday any place, any time.
No, George! lt's bridge club Saturday.
You and Connie are coming to our house.
Holy shit.
Bridge--bridge club?
lt's OK. lt's OK, George. We didn't do anything.
Well...
Saturday. See you then.
Lieutenant Fimple, vice.
l can't go through with it, Lou.
Neither can l, Con.
We're just not like them. l've given it a lot of thought.
Something inside me keeps saying...
"Hey, Fimple, what the hell you think you're doing?
"You got a wife and kid. You're a detective.
"lsn't that supposed to mean something?"
Sure it does, but that doesn't mean...
l don't think you're an attractive woman, Connie.
You are. A damn attractive woman.
lf this thing inside me weren't saying what it was saying...
l'd be saying something else right now.
Lou, shut up. l'm talking about Saturday night.
OK, fuck 'em. They're doing it to us, we'll do it to them.
Saturday's fine by me. Where do you wanna meet?
Lou, l'm talking about bridge club!
Bridge club is Saturday night! We're having it at your house!
You and me, him and her, all together...
at the same house at the same time!
Bridge club. Right. That'd be the perfect time...
to blow this whole thing wide open.
Having a good time?
Yeah, it's great.
You can't imagine how much work it is...
putting one of these things together.
l really appreciate it.
You know, Toni, this whole thing's kinda weird.
You know, Debbie and Michael going out.
She's always going out with these guys from college.
Now she's throwing him this big party...
and, you know, for a present, l heard she's gonna...
Oh, boy.
She's gonna what?
What's she gonna give Michael?
Look, if l tell you, you gotta promise not to tell anybody.
Oh, l don't care. Forget it.
All right, l'll go ahead and tell you.
Later tonight, she's gonna...
Well, they're gonna do it.
She's gonna go all the way with him. Some present, huh?
Wow. Wish it was my birthday.
All right!
Make a wish.
All right!
Speech! Speech!
Speech for Michael.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
l'd just like to thank Mr. Quincy Jones.
That is what l call having your cake and eating it, too.
Ha! We win, you lose.
OK, winners move up, losers move down.
Well, here we all are.
Uh, at the winner's table.
l guess we're all doing pretty well tonight.
Yeah, l guess so.
Elizabeth, you've really outdone yourself on the affairs.
On the hors d'oeuvres!
You lying piece of shit!
What'd l say? Wait a minute! l said hors d'oeuvres!
-You said affairs! -Lou, for God's sake!
l meant hors d'oeuvres!
Oh, yeah? lt isn't what you said!
l don't know what l said! l was being polite!
Polite? l'll show you polite!
All right! Break it up!
Stop it, Lou!
Can you imagine what they are doing right now?
Unbelievable.
Now, Michael.
Now.
-Ow! -What's the matter?
Nothing.
Move down a bit.
-Debbie, what's wrong? -lt hurts.
-What do you want me to do? -Do it right.
l thought l was.
Here. Try again.
-This isn't gonna work. -Yes, it is.
-Try it again. -l don't want to.
What are our friends gonna think if we don't do it?
l don't give a shit what they think.
Well, l do. l told a lot of people about this.
Michael, when you get down there...
you act like it was the best experience you've ever had.
l don't want anyone to know about this...ever.
-Hey, guys, look who's back. -Whoa. Wait a sec.
Thank you all for making Michael's birthday...
such a fabulous success.
No problem.
Thanks, Toni.
Don't tell me what we did!
l know what we did, and we didn't do anything!
Don't tell me what you didn't do because l know!
Oh, l suppose you were there?
As a matter of fact, l was!
What are you talking about? What do you mean you were there?
Since when did you start spying on people?
Since always! lt's my job! l'm a cop!
-No, l don't wanna hear it! -But l didn't--
l don't wanna talk about it!
That is a great idea, because there's nothing to talk about!
That's right! There's nothing more to talk about!
-l want a divorce! -What? Damn you.
You're out of control now. You've lost your mind.
l can't believe you're doing this to me. After 20 years--
Goddamn it! l didn't do anything to you!
How many times do l have to say that?
Until you find somebody dumb enough to believe it!
Damn it, l'm telling you the truth. Nothing happened.
Oh, nothing.
"When l look at you, l can't take my eyes off you."
l don't call that nothing.
"l long to have your arms around me and feel your body."
Look, l didn't write that letter.
Jesus christ, Mom ! What are you doing with my letter?
l can't believe this!
Doesn't anybody have any privacy around here anymore?
Your letter?
l got it on the last day of school. ls that OKwith you?
Can you stay out of my stuff?
l can't believe this!
You can't even trust your own parents anymore.
l'm gonna get a guard dog and a bazooka.
This is just wonderful. Perfect ending to a perfect day.
You know, some people still believe in love!
Some people still believe in marriage!
And some people still believe in trust!
Ha! That's a laugh!
How could you say that after what you've done?
l'll never trust you again!
What are you talking about?
Nothing happened! Will you listen to me?
This is what l'm talking about!
"lf for just one brief moment...
"l could feel your lips against mine...
"l would die a happy man."
You call this nothing?
Daddy, that's my letter! How could you?
Your letter?
Michael wrote this letter to me! How could you read it?
l will never forgive you for this. Never!
Aw, honey.
What are you doing here?
Are you busy?
The party's over, Michael.
Well, can l come in for a while?
Why? What's wrong?
Debbie and l.
l don't know. l think l made a big mistake.
Well, you know, as fascinating as that subject is to me...
it's late, and l want to go to bed.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
What are you so upset about?
Oh, nothing much.
See, l gave this party tonight for a friend...
only there was this big highlight to the evening...
and l didn't know what it was.
But what it turns out to be is a couple of friends...
screwing in my parents' bedroom !
Well, the next time you're gonna do something like this...
do you mind telling me first? l don't like being used!
Toni, l didn't know that was gonna happen.
-Well, everybody else did. -Well, not much happened.
Yeah. Not much.
Nothing happened, OK? Nothing happened.
Well, then what were you doing up there?
Look, it didn't happen!
l'm not supposed to tell anybody this...
because she wants everybody to think...
that we had this wonderful experience.
But that's not even what l came here for.
Well, am l supposed to guess?
Would you go out with me sometime?
What?
l think we ought to go on a real date.
You and me, together.
What the hell happened to Debbie?
l don't know what the hell happened to Debbie!
l don't know.
lt just wasn't what l thought it was supposed to be.
l expected her to be like...
you.
You know, when we have a good time together.
That's what l expected, but it wasn't like that.
All right, so she's the most beautiful girl in school.
For all l know, she's the most beautiful girl in the world.
But you can only look for so long.
'Cause when you start listening...
man, all the lights are on, but nobody's home.
Toni, you and l have been friends for a long time.
And l like being with you more than with anybody else.
You probably don't even feel like that towards me.
Look, maybe we're overlooking something here.
Maybe we should go on a real date.
Just to see, you know?
What do you think?
l think you just won the asshole-of-the-year award.
Over on this side.
l just wanna know one thing, Michael.
Where's the man who wrote these letters?
Debbie, l'm sorry, but l gotta be honest with you.
l just, uh--
Whose are these?
Oh, that's cruel, Michael. That's really cruel.
Where'd you get these?
From the man who l thought l loved.
l didn't write these.
These aren't the letters l wrote to you.
You're such an asshole!
When Steve gets a hold of you...
l would hate to be in your shoes.
Hello, is Toni there? This is Michael.
Oh, hi, Michael. Toni's outside helping her dad load the car.
l have to talk to her.
l'm sorry, Michael, but we're leaving in about two minutes.
You're leaving? You mean, Toni's leaving?
She's going on the School Afloat.
But wait a minute. l need to talk to her.
-l need to see her. -Her boat leaves in an hour.
She'll be gone for a year.
You'll have to write her a letter.
l'm sorry. They're honking for me, honey. Gotta run.
Oh, Toni, Michael just called to say good-bye.
Thanks.
Don't leave! Wait, Toni!
Toni, wait!
Wait a minute!
Shit.
Hey, come on. Hey, hey.
Hey, wait a minute! Give me a ride.
Come on, somebody give me a ride.
Hey, give me a ride!
Come on.
Oh, God, am l glad to see you.
Listen, you gotta get me to the harbor right away.
l've been looking for you, Mike. l'm gonna kick your ass.
No, wait a minute. Steve, you don't understand.
You can kick my ass later. l promise.
Debbie told me everything, you little prick.
You broke my nose!
Steve, l'm sorry.
You son of a bitch, you broke my nose!
Jesus. Are you all right?
l don't know.
You got to see a doctor. Shit! l gotta borrow your car.
Hey! Wait a minute!
Hey, where are you going?
Hey, what about my nose?
Excuse me!
Sir, excuse me. Could you tell me where School Afloat is?
School Afloat?
Go right down this road four or five lights...
and you turn left, and you go up, uh...
Where was it you said you wanted to go?
Excuse me, sir! Could you tell me where School Afloat is?
Don't forget to write, honey.
Toni, wait! Hey!
Wait!
Stop!
Wait!
l know you wrote the letters!
Michael, what?
The letters! l know you wrote 'em !
Don't leave me! l love you!
What?
l love you!
Do you love me?
What difference does it make?
But do you love me?
Yes! Does that make you feel any better?