♪ D: REAM: Things Can Only Get Better ♪
VOICEMAIL: Hi, it's Janet. I'm probably available right now,
but couldn't be holed talking to you.
(BEEP) Janet, it's Gemma. I haven't slept a wink.
Have you left for London yet?
Promise to send me lots of pictures of you
and your (SING-SONG) boyfriend!
And you have to tell me who it is.
(LEEP) Hey, it's me.
Listen, don't come to the flat. Frankie has dropped off
her keys yet. Don't want you bumping into each other.
I'll meet you at the airport. Much more romantic.
Can't wait to see you!
(BEEP) JEMMA: OK. One more guess. Is it Paul McCartney? No.
He's too old. Is it Mel Gibson? No, he's not English.
Is it the-
'Hello. this is your captain speaking.
'We're will shortly be starting our descent into London,
'where the weather is... overcast.
'Showers expected this afternoon.'
Woohoo! London.
Oooh! Go on you boyee!
(SONG CONTINUES QUIETLY)
Trays up, please.
♪ I've got my personal hell to deal with
♪ And then you say
♪ "Walk my path
♪ Wear my shoes
♪ Talk like that, I'll be an angel"
♪ Things...
♪ Can only get better
♪ Now I've found you (Things can only get)
♪ Sonf fades ♪
Hey you. You all right, mate?
Have you been drinking? Hmm? No.
You taste of chardonnay. Oh, well, if you mean Chardonnay.
(HE LAUGHS) It o'clock in the morning!
It's my first time in London. - Let me enjoy myself. - Oh...
It's good to see you.
You too.
Mmm...
Mmm... OK. Right, OK.
So where are we gonna go first?
These are all the places I want to see.
You made a list? Yep. Buckingham Palace.
- No. - Tower of London. Tower Bridge. Covent Garden.
- The Jack the Ripper toru. - No. Oh, Primark on Oxford Street.
- You're only here for one day! - Yes. And I want to make the most of it.
Look, I worked out a schedule.
Is there room in the schedule for...
Well, avisit to "Big Ben."
Oh! I forgot about Big Ben. - No, no, no. - I mean...
A little... (CLICKS) You know.
Did you just call your - penis Big Ben? - Yeah.
Uh...
I've never given it a nickname before. Quite fun.
I see why other people do it now.
Have to ask, have to ask, what is going on with this hat?
What? I always wear a hat. You never wore a hat in Belfast.
OK, look, I just...
I don't want to be recognised. I just...
I don't want any Fannigans ruining the day.
- Any what? - My fan base, The Fannigans.
Seamus O'Hannigan's fans - the - Fannigans. - Hmm.
Hmm.
(DISTANT CAR HORN BEEPING)
So hey - how go with Frankie?
Oh, yeah. (CLEARS THROAT)
It was...
It was pretty rough. Can imagine.
I hate break-ups. - Me too. - Did she cry?
You know what? Do you mind if we don't talk about it? Sorry, it's...
Still pretty raw. Yeah, OK.
CABBIE: Where you off to? Mary Lee Bowen Road, please.
Um, Marylebone Road. Thanks.
Are we going there? Oh, my God.
- Was that you? - Yeah. They're really getting behind the show.
(LIVELY MUSIC)
Seriously, where are we going?
Oh, can you just dump me in here? Thanks.
Fuck off.
You know, I've actually met lots of these people in real life.
You've met Keanu Reeves?
Uh... That's Tom Hardy.
Oh. (SHE LAUGHS)
You've met Tom Hardy?
No. But I've met Eddie Redmayne.
(SHE LAUGHS) Yeah, right you have.
John Boyega.
Helen Mirren. - Helen. Are you being serious? - Yeah!
Got her phone number somewhere.
This is basically like a dinner party around my place
on Tuesday night. Right.
Yeah, but have you met The Rock?
He's a ride.
Can't stand the Rock.
Oh, love 'him.
Seriously? That's a REAL man.
Oof! I reckon I could take him.
Put them up, big guy!
Stop. (SHE LAUGHS HE MAKES FIGHTING NOISES)
Excuse me, sir. Could you...
not do that, please? Sorry. I was just trying to prove
a point to my friend here. She's gone.
- She was here. - Mm-hmm. I'm just gonna sit.
Ah! Now, now this is where they'd put you.
Is this it? No Thatcher?
No Blair?
Yeah, nobody cares about politics.
How can you say that? Politics is life!
Life is about change. And politics is the engine
that drives human progress.
That's actually quite clever - I should Tweet that.
Fannigans will bloody love it.
Politics isn't life.
Your phone isn't life.
This is life.
(GUARD CLEARS THROAT)
Oh. Sorry. We don't...
We're just leaving. - OK, thank you. - Yeah.
Sorry.
(THEY LAUGH)
There you are. - DRIVER: Thank you. - Thanks.
Can I get a coffee on here?
You ever been on a bis before?
Not for years.
They don't sell coffee on buses, you balloon.
So, I've had a very exciting job offer.
Oh, yeah? What is it?
It's a documentary series. Big American broadcaster.
And I'll be presenting.
Oh my God, that is exciting!
America! Woo hoo!
Oh, thank you.
So does that mean you have to move to America?
Well, it's actually filming in Belfast.
What, like. Belfast, Belfast? My Belfast?
Yeah. It's about the troubles.
- Right? - It's aiming to be the definitive history of the conflict.
A deep dive, as it were.
And I was thinking that you could help.
Right. Come on, mate, we're ready to go!
So we're planning on interviewing all the major
players. John Major, Tony Blair,
maybe even Bill Clinton.
You want to interview anyone actually from Northern Ireland?
Oh yeah. We'll talk to all sides.
Maybe you can introduce me to some loyalist terrorists.
Not everyone from Northern Ireland is a terrorist, you know. No. Sorry. Course not.
Right.
(BIKE BELL RINGS, CAR HORNS BEEP)
(DISTANT SIRENS WAILING)
WOMAN: Seamus! I love you!
God!
So she one of the Fannigans?
Well...
truthfully, the Fannigans were about 25 people on Reddit.
The numbers have been going up every day.
Getting recognised more and more since the show'as been on.
It feels a bit weird.
So you might actually be famous then.
Well... maybe London Famous.
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
(RAIN DROPPING)
Ugh, it my neck! (SHE LAUGHS)
Oh, here we are.
(SHE CLEARS HER THROAT) Hey. So I was thinking...
for research, we could talk about your direct experience
in the troubles. (SHE SCOFFS)
Most people weren't really affected by it.
Of course they were. I mean, they must been.
I was affected by it, and I didn't even grow up there.
Er... How were you affected by that?
Well...
OK, so, um... Tt's...
All right. I was I was in the post office with my muom.
It must have been about six.
But it came on the news that this British soldier
had been killed in Belfast. So the guy behind the counter,
when he when he hears my mom's accent, he...
he refuses to serve her.
And he said...
"Fuck off, you Irish bitch."
What's your mum do?
She just left.
With hur head down.
She didn't speak for the rest of the day.
But I'm sure it was harder if you were actually...
GUIDE: Ha! Hello there. - Two, please. - Oh, I'll these.
No, no, no, it's all right. - - I've got it. - Right. - Yeah.
Yup. PerFect. Thanks very much.
(PHONE BUZZES AND RINGS)
Frankie?
What's she ringing for? Oh, yeah, she...
She probably just wants to collect some of her stuff.
You gonna ring her back?
Nah.
Welcome everyne! To hear a tale of Saucy Jack.
(PHONE RINGS) And the terror he visited upon Ye olde London town.
Follow me, if you dare.
(GUIDE CHUCKLES)
(PHONE RINGS)
You OK?
What's wrong?
Didn't do it.
I didn't break up with Frankie.
GUIDE: Annie Chapman was the next victim.
Her bloodthirsty killer pulled out her intestines,
placed them on her shoulder. CROWD: Ugh.
Done it in my head.
In my head I'm with you, in my head I've broken up with her.
Oh good. We'll just keep going out in your head.
If we get serious, we could rent an apartment in that stupid fucking hat.
Oh, my God.
That's why you're wearing it. Because you can't be seen in public with me.
Look, I am going to leave her. So why haven't you?
Because I'm scared. Because I don't want to be the bad guy.
You know, I don't... I don't want to hurt her feelings.
No problem hurting mine, though, do you? (PHONE RINGS)
Are you going to answer that fucking phone?
Please, Janet. Fuck off and leave me alone!
Sorry. Apolgise for the colourful language. Look,
I just... can't do these kinds of public displays of emotion.
Frankie would never behave like this. You fucking scare me.
I never - I never know what you're gonna do next.
MAN: Hey, miss. The fuck are you looking at?
Jesus. Look, I'm sorry. I tried to break up, but I just couldn't. I'm a coward.
You're not gonna do it. If you were going to, you'd have done it by now.
She can give you things I can't. Like what?
Like... She can tell you how to interview politicians.
My producers do that.
She looks really good in your on the red carpet or film premieres.
You look amazing on a red carpet.
I don't want to go on a red carpet.
I don't want my picture - in the papers. - That's my life.
That, that... That's what I want to share with you!
Well, I don't want that kind of life.
Well, how could we go anywhere? Exactly?
Look, can't.
I was really excited about today, and this is shit.
London's shit! Everything's turned into shit.
It's not shit. Look, I fucking loved today.
I fucking loved Madame Tussauds.
We're not meant to be together.
I'm not meant to be with you. You know that's not true.
You didn't break up with Frankie for a reason.
- That's a sign. - It's not a sign of anything. You're just scared.
And I'm scared too. But, you know...
But we can do this. I'm gonna break up with her now.
And then we'll be together and... And that's it.
From now on, we will only be honest with each other.
No more secrets. OK?
We could never be honest with each other.
(SLOW, WISTFUL MUSIC)
(PHONE RINGS)
(SINGING AIMLESSLY)
Seamus! Is that you?
Did you get my voicemail?
I have had amazing news.
Hi. Are you hungry? Have you had lunch?
Hi.
I've been seeing someone else.
And I'm leaving you for her.
I'm sorry. It just sort happened. I'm not...
Never done this before.
Frankie? (CROCKERY SMASHES)
(HORN BEEPS)
(SINGS AIMLESSLY)
So who is it?
Is that important?
It's not Vivian, is it? No, it's not Viv, no.
So who is it?
It's Janet. Janet.
Oh, my God. That's your cousin. No, no, no, no, no.
Definitely not my cousin. We made that up, a lie so you wouldn't suspect.
Oh. I can't fucking believe this.
I can't fucking believe this, Janet.?
Did you fuck her that night? The cottage? No. We hadn't done anything by then.
So when did you do something?
A... few days ago.
I mean, we'd had a kiss.
We talked about it. But in terms of the actual...
I don't need the details, do I? She feels terrible about this.
We both do-Oh, fuck her!
Are we gonnan try to get past this?
Because I don't know if I can.
Well, no...
- No? - No, see, there's nothing to get past.
I...
I'm leaving you,
and I'm going to be with Janet.
And I love her.
(SHE YELLS, LOUD SMASHING)
Do you love her?
Yes. Why? I'm sorry.
I'm just... It doesn't make sense to me, The two of you together.
I don't know what you see in her. What do you love about her?
I mean, she's funny. - She makes me laugh. - You don't laugh.
You're not a laugher.
I am When I'm with her.
We argue all the time.
What do you argue about?
Everything.
I think she's a fucking nightmare.
You know, when I'm with her, though, I feel like...
STAMMERING: Like how I'm meant to feel
Like I'm a kid.
Like, like my whole world.
I'm gonna be sick.
Oh, shit.
(BUS ENGINE POPS)
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Frankie?
Frankie?
I just want to say...
I really did think we'd be together for the rest
of our lives.
James McAvoy looked at me at the Evening Standard Awards.
I could've fuckedt James McAvoy.
- Yeah. - The amount of A-list actors I could have been with
these six years and I've wasted all this time with a fucking Newsreader.
- I'm not a newsreader. - Richard Madden looked at me too, I think.
I could've had a Scottish threesome with James McAvoy and Richard Madden.
Just because they looked at you? Skepta. Benedict.
Tom. Which Tom?
SHOUTING: All the fucking Toms!
I know. I know. Would you leave me alone?
Fucking hell!
You're so vain.
You're so shallow.
Even with all your fake fucking feminism, Seamus,
you still can't bear to be with a woman who earns more money than you.
Well, we earn roughly the same kind of money, so.
Well, not anymore.
What do you mean?
I got the Guillermi del Toro. (HE LAUGHS)
You got the lead in the movie? That's why I was calling you!
I couldn't wait to tell you. I just found out.
No, don't touch me. I'm... I'm.
I'm genuinely so happy, Frankie. Congratulations.
You knew - That's why you're getting out.
I'm gonna be more famous than you. I couldn't give a fuck about it,
but I know it means everything to you.
Which is why you're leaving me for a fucking shop assistant.
Don't call her that. Oh. Why are you doing this to me?
Look, I'm just...
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Frankie.
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)
So...
Well, how do you want to announce it?
I'll tweet, you Insta.
"Amicable Break-Up. Respect our privacy."
The usual. Thank you.
♪ DJANGO DJANGO: Default ♪ Taxi!
Wait!
Can you just, uh... head for the centre of town?
(PHONE CAMERA CLICKS)
(PHONE RINGS)
I'm not picking up.
'Hi, it's Janet. I'm probably available right now,
'but I couldn't be holed talking to.' (BEEP)
(PHONE DIALLING) 'Hi, it's Janet...'
'I'm probably available right now.' Fuck!
'..Holed talking to you." Janet.
I did it.
Um, I fucking did it.
Listen, you're wrong about us.
I know this can work.
I'm coming to find you.
♪ And now you wann boot it up
♪ You gave it all you got... ♪
(PHONE RINGS)
Fuck.
Seamus O'Hannigan!
That's me.
(CAR TYRES SQUEAL)
Get out the fucking car.
What's going on? What's going on?
I listened to your radio show every day for three years
and on every fuckin' issue
You were in the wrong. Trump, Brexit, Scottish independence.
Why did you listen to my radio show for three years
If you thought that... I don't have time for this.
Just tell me what I owe ypu. I don't want your fuckin' money.
Fine, then.
Fuck. Can't get out the car.
Of course you cannae.
It's 'cause you're a useless, metrosexual arsehole.
((CAR DOOR LOCK BEEPING)
Fuck off. Bloody gammon dickhead.
Andrew Neil would flatten you, you forking wanker!
(SONG CONTINUES)
Hey!
Hey.
Janet! I did it!
Janet!
Hey! Hey!
You're going the wrong way!
This is crazy. I just...
I just got into a massive fight with a taxi driver, and he...
And he threw me out his cab right by you.
If you're looking for a sign, there's your fucking sign!
(PANTING) I...
I finished it with Frankie.
I did it.
You don't believe me?
Cause I really did it, I promise.
I have to tell you something,
Uh-huh.
(SHE GROANS)
So whatever I told you, I wasn't really
affected by the Troubles...
- Yeah. - Not completely true.
OK. I don't know how to say this.
When I was 19, I joined a loyalist splinter group
called the LDV.
A terrorist Group? I didn't kill anyone or anything.
But I was arrested, and I spent, like,
three years in Maghaberry prison.
Look, it was just something stupid I did when I was a kid.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you before you broke up with Frankie.
You OK?
Look, I know it's a lot to take in. Maybe we could, like,
we could talk about it somewhere else.
If you want to go for a drink, or...
Seamus, fucking say something, - please. - Fucking hell!
I just ended a six year - relationship for you. - I know.
- I know. I'm sorry. - I just left one of the world's most beautiful actresses
for a loyalist fucking terrorist!
WHISPERING: Keep your voice down!
I'm not a terrorist!
Any more. It was a lifetime ago. I was a kid.
Why didn't you tell me? Because I'm...
Because I was scared.
This is why I can't be in the public eye.
This is fucked. This is all fFucked.
I can't...
Sorry, what, you...
So...
Is this it? It's...
♪ TYE TRBBETT: Anyhow ♪ And I'm so grateful you love me
♪ I know that when You look at me... ♪
MAN: Hey, Seamus.
Can I get a selfie?
Oh, yeah.
Hey!
Have a good daye.
♪ I trust You, Father
♪ I believe
♪ Woo!
♪ Your promises
♪ Are yes and amen
♪ And I believe
♪ You will do what you say
♪ My trust in you Will not waiver
♪ My victory is guaranteed Cause you remain the same
♪ No matter what comes my way
♪ Hallelujah anyhow (Oh)
♪ Until my night turns to day... ♪
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