Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,069 --> 00:00:04,936
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played
2
00:00:05,006 --> 00:00:08,040
♪ Songs that made the hit parade
3
00:00:08,109 --> 00:00:11,076
♪ Guys like us, we had it made
4
00:00:11,145 --> 00:00:13,545
♪ Those were the days
5
00:00:13,614 --> 00:00:17,116
♪ And you knew
where you were then
6
00:00:17,184 --> 00:00:20,352
♪ Girls were girls
and men were men
7
00:00:20,421 --> 00:00:22,587
♪ Mister, we could use a man
8
00:00:22,656 --> 00:00:25,891
♪ Like Herbert Hoover again
9
00:00:25,959 --> 00:00:28,660
♪ Didn't need no welfare state
10
00:00:28,729 --> 00:00:31,897
♪ Everybody pulled his weight
11
00:00:31,965 --> 00:00:35,868
♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great
12
00:00:35,936 --> 00:00:41,573
♪ Those were the days ♪
13
00:00:53,854 --> 00:00:57,655
Here we are, some
nice fresh donuts.
14
00:00:57,725 --> 00:00:59,535
Mmm, you got some
more coffee, Ma?
15
00:00:59,559 --> 00:01:03,595
Oh, Gloria, you shouldn't
drink so much coffee.
16
00:01:03,663 --> 00:01:05,997
It might make the baby nervous.
17
00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:07,265
Oh.
18
00:01:07,334 --> 00:01:10,401
Oh! Oh! Oh, Ma,
the baby just kicked.
19
00:01:10,470 --> 00:01:12,103
There, you see?
20
00:01:12,172 --> 00:01:14,372
The coffee woke the baby up.
21
00:01:15,709 --> 00:01:17,909
Oh, boy, do I miss Michael.
22
00:01:17,978 --> 00:01:21,079
Oh, when's he coming
back from Albany?
23
00:01:21,148 --> 00:01:24,349
Well, the teacher's
conference is over on Monday.
24
00:01:25,619 --> 00:01:28,186
Hmm, wonder what
he's doing today.
25
00:01:28,255 --> 00:01:30,589
I know how we can find out.
26
00:01:30,658 --> 00:01:32,658
We can look at his horoscope.
27
00:01:32,726 --> 00:01:35,727
Oh, Ma, you don't really
believe in astrology, do you?
28
00:01:35,796 --> 00:01:36,828
Oh, no.
29
00:01:36,897 --> 00:01:39,865
But it's fun to know
what's gonna happen to you
30
00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:41,466
even if it don't.
31
00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:44,369
What's Mike's sign?
32
00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:45,678
Aquarius.
33
00:01:45,705 --> 00:01:46,971
Oh, here it is.
34
00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:50,342
"Aquarius. This will
be an exciting day
35
00:01:50,410 --> 00:01:53,945
"and a good opportunity
for a new romance."
36
00:01:59,286 --> 00:02:01,687
Oh! Unless you're attending
37
00:02:01,755 --> 00:02:04,156
a teacher's
conference in Albany.
38
00:02:06,293 --> 00:02:08,927
And your name is Michael Stivic.
39
00:02:08,995 --> 00:02:10,629
Nice try, Ma.
40
00:02:10,698 --> 00:02:12,096
What does Daddy's say?
41
00:02:12,165 --> 00:02:14,644
Let's find out what kind of a
night he had driving Munson's cab.
42
00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:16,401
Yeah, what's his sign?
43
00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:17,803
Taurus, the bull.
44
00:02:17,871 --> 00:02:19,682
Well, actually, he's on the cusp
45
00:02:19,706 --> 00:02:23,074
between Gemini, the
twins, and Taurus, the bull.
46
00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:25,543
But he's a lot
closer to the bull.
47
00:02:27,348 --> 00:02:28,513
Yeah.
48
00:02:30,584 --> 00:02:31,717
Oh, here it is.
49
00:02:31,785 --> 00:02:35,019
"The Taurus
person," that's Archie,
50
00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:39,358
"will find this day
dull and uneventful,
51
00:02:39,426 --> 00:02:44,329
"but may experience
excitement in new encounters."
52
00:02:45,199 --> 00:02:47,299
Edith, I just got mugged.
53
00:02:48,735 --> 00:02:51,202
Oh, Archie! Did you say mugged?
54
00:02:51,271 --> 00:02:53,049
I got to get to the
kitchen. To the kitchen.
55
00:02:53,073 --> 00:02:54,551
Are you all right?
Water for this.
56
00:02:54,575 --> 00:02:56,107
Water for this. Oh, Archie!
57
00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:59,010
Get some water
running right away.
58
00:02:59,079 --> 00:03:01,446
Oh, did he hurt you bad?
59
00:03:01,515 --> 00:03:04,149
Muggers never
hurt you good, Edith.
60
00:03:04,217 --> 00:03:06,318
Look at the slice he
took out of my hand there.
61
00:03:06,387 --> 00:03:08,565
Maybe you should
see a doctor. Oh, yeah.
62
00:03:08,589 --> 00:03:11,122
One attempted robbery
a night is enough for me.
63
00:03:14,762 --> 00:03:15,827
Does it hurt?
64
00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:18,363
Only when you squeeze it, Edith!
65
00:03:18,432 --> 00:03:20,752
Get something for
it there, will you?
66
00:03:20,801 --> 00:03:23,868
Oh, yeah, some alcohol,
and then we'll put iodine on it.
67
00:03:23,937 --> 00:03:26,004
Or Mercurochrome,
and then we'll...
68
00:03:26,072 --> 00:03:28,807
The longer you talk,
the quicker I get lockjaw.
69
00:03:30,143 --> 00:03:32,076
I'll see if I can
find the first-aid kit.
70
00:03:32,145 --> 00:03:34,780
Yeah, meantime, I'll
stand here and bleed.
71
00:03:34,848 --> 00:03:37,560
Daddy, let me wash that off
for you. Yeah, do something.
72
00:03:37,584 --> 00:03:40,885
Hey, could I get gangrune
out of that, little girl?
73
00:03:40,954 --> 00:03:42,454
I don't think so.
74
00:03:42,523 --> 00:03:45,390
Daddy, would you recognize
the mugger if you saw him again?
75
00:03:45,459 --> 00:03:47,304
Oh, no, no. It all
happened too fast.
76
00:03:47,328 --> 00:03:49,038
But I'll tell you one thing
that nearly broke my heart.
77
00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:50,302
He was a white guy.
78
00:03:51,164 --> 00:03:52,764
Ow! Jeez!
79
00:03:52,833 --> 00:03:55,667
Daddy, how would you
describe the mugger?
80
00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:58,436
Very, very unfriendly.
81
00:03:58,505 --> 00:04:01,305
Here we are. Sit down,
Archie. Over here.
82
00:04:01,374 --> 00:04:04,509
Now, this is
gonna hurt a little.
83
00:04:04,577 --> 00:04:07,746
Then don't do it. It
already hurts a little, Edith.
84
00:04:07,814 --> 00:04:10,115
All right, now.
85
00:04:10,684 --> 00:04:12,250
Say, "Cheese."
86
00:04:15,488 --> 00:04:16,721
Why?
87
00:04:16,790 --> 00:04:18,623
Say, "Cheese."
88
00:04:18,691 --> 00:04:21,927
What the hell do you think
you're doin', takin' a picture?
89
00:04:21,995 --> 00:04:24,462
I want you to be smilin'
90
00:04:24,531 --> 00:04:27,632
so I won't feel like I'm
hurtin' you so much.
91
00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:29,534
Will you just get that on there?
92
00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:31,603
Oh, jeez!
93
00:04:31,671 --> 00:04:33,771
Oh, Arch, you said it.
94
00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:36,107
Ouch. Oh! Oh, never mind!
95
00:04:36,176 --> 00:04:39,745
Oh, do you wanna hold
your hand in a sling?
96
00:04:39,813 --> 00:04:43,515
No, I just got a cut. I
wasn't hit by mortar fire.
97
00:04:43,583 --> 00:04:45,483
Daddy, how did it all happen?
98
00:04:45,552 --> 00:04:47,463
I was driving my cab on
Skillman Avenue, see?
99
00:04:47,487 --> 00:04:49,332
I was headin' for Bridge Plaza.
100
00:04:49,356 --> 00:04:52,235
So at the corner of 46th Street,
I pick up this young, white guy.
101
00:04:52,259 --> 00:04:55,794
He didn't look like no troublemaker,
of course, except, he was young.
102
00:04:55,862 --> 00:04:59,231
Daddy, lots of people in
New York are white and young.
103
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:00,865
Oh, not anymore.
104
00:05:02,069 --> 00:05:03,568
Anyway,
105
00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:06,438
I seen he was wearin' this
religious medal around his neck.
106
00:05:06,507 --> 00:05:07,950
Well, now, can you
imagine a guy with...
107
00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:12,344
Oh! In high school, I got
a religious medal once.
108
00:05:12,413 --> 00:05:14,546
It was a St. Christopher's medal
109
00:05:14,614 --> 00:05:17,849
from Russell Lebsfelder.
110
00:05:17,918 --> 00:05:20,786
St. Christopher is the
patron saint of travelers,
111
00:05:20,854 --> 00:05:22,720
but he ain't no more.
112
00:05:22,789 --> 00:05:25,390
And when they decided
113
00:05:25,459 --> 00:05:28,727
that Christopher
wasn't really a saint,
114
00:05:28,795 --> 00:05:31,062
lots of people
stopped wearin' 'em,
115
00:05:31,131 --> 00:05:33,632
and they started
buyin' insurance.
116
00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:39,103
Well, that's what I
read in the paper.
117
00:05:39,173 --> 00:05:41,951
That's what she
read in the paper.
118
00:05:41,975 --> 00:05:43,608
So, what did the mugger do?
119
00:05:43,676 --> 00:05:45,610
The mugger gets into
the back of my cab.
120
00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:48,814
I says, "Where to, buddy?"
and he says, "Stick 'em up."
121
00:05:48,882 --> 00:05:51,450
What part of town is that?
122
00:05:53,854 --> 00:05:57,389
That's a foreign language,
Edith, for, "Stick 'em up."
123
00:05:57,458 --> 00:05:58,589
Did he have a gun?
124
00:05:58,658 --> 00:06:00,592
No, he had a switchblade.
125
00:06:00,660 --> 00:06:03,260
Oh, that's illegal. Yeah.
126
00:06:05,064 --> 00:06:08,133
It's against the law
to carry a switchblade.
127
00:06:11,004 --> 00:06:13,404
Oh, I read that
in the paper, too.
128
00:06:13,473 --> 00:06:14,840
I got news for you.
129
00:06:14,908 --> 00:06:17,609
Almost anything a mugger
does is against the law.
130
00:06:17,677 --> 00:06:18,844
What did you do?
131
00:06:18,912 --> 00:06:20,645
He asked me for my wallet,
132
00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:22,781
so I reach inside my coat,
133
00:06:22,850 --> 00:06:25,384
I take out my little tear
gas squirter, and I go...
134
00:06:25,452 --> 00:06:27,753
Right in the peepers.
135
00:06:27,821 --> 00:06:29,621
Ooh, tear gas in the eyes.
136
00:06:29,690 --> 00:06:32,524
You can't blind them by
hitting them in the chest.
137
00:06:33,293 --> 00:06:34,860
Well, then what did he do?
138
00:06:34,928 --> 00:06:37,395
He hopped out of the cab
and he run up Skillman Avenue
139
00:06:37,464 --> 00:06:39,430
like a chicken with
the Colonel behind him.
140
00:06:45,705 --> 00:06:48,039
I hope you didn't run after him.
141
00:06:48,108 --> 00:06:50,441
Certainly did not, 'cause if
I'd have caught up with him,
142
00:06:50,510 --> 00:06:52,177
I'd have beat him to a pulk.
143
00:06:53,313 --> 00:06:54,846
And that ain't no
business of mine.
144
00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:57,282
That's what we got
police brutality for.
145
00:06:59,386 --> 00:07:01,264
Didn't you call the police?
146
00:07:01,288 --> 00:07:03,488
Certainly. I called
the station house,
147
00:07:03,556 --> 00:07:05,357
I reported a muggin'
like a good citizen,
148
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:09,026
I left my name and address
in case there was a reward.
149
00:07:09,095 --> 00:07:12,664
Listen, Daddy, I'm gonna run home and
call Michael and tell him what happened.
150
00:07:12,733 --> 00:07:14,832
Now, let this be
a warning to you.
151
00:07:14,901 --> 00:07:16,834
Driving that cab is dangerous.
152
00:07:16,903 --> 00:07:18,348
I'll be all right, little girl.
153
00:07:18,372 --> 00:07:19,949
Next time a mugger
flags me down,
154
00:07:19,973 --> 00:07:22,707
I'll tell him, "Go
stab a bus driver."
155
00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:24,520
Say hello to Mike for me.
156
00:07:24,544 --> 00:07:27,312
Bye. Oh, Archie,
you've had a long night.
157
00:07:27,381 --> 00:07:29,158
Why don't you come in here?
158
00:07:29,182 --> 00:07:31,249
I'll make you a nice breakfast,
159
00:07:31,317 --> 00:07:33,384
and you lie down on the couch.
160
00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:35,853
I hate that couch. It's got a
hill in the middle of it there.
161
00:07:37,190 --> 00:07:38,768
I wonder what that could be.
162
00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:41,159
Well, it sounds a lot
like the front door, Edith.
163
00:07:41,228 --> 00:07:42,526
Oh, I'll get it.
164
00:07:42,595 --> 00:07:45,363
No, no, no, wait a minute.
Let's see who it is, first.
165
00:07:45,431 --> 00:07:48,032
And if it's the Salivation
Army or Irene Lorenzo,
166
00:07:48,101 --> 00:07:50,334
we all pretend we died in here.
167
00:07:51,838 --> 00:07:53,572
Oh, jeez, it's a flatfoot.
168
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:56,241
Oh, he's probably
here about the muggin'.
169
00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:59,877
Archie, you shouldn't
call a policeman a flatfoot.
170
00:07:59,946 --> 00:08:01,746
It ain't nice.
171
00:08:01,814 --> 00:08:04,093
Oh, to hell with him. Where
was he when I needed him?
172
00:08:04,117 --> 00:08:06,484
He was probably friskin'
some topless waitress.
173
00:08:07,888 --> 00:08:09,398
Open the door.
174
00:08:09,422 --> 00:08:12,156
Shh! Shh!
175
00:08:12,225 --> 00:08:15,927
Well, well, well, well, one of
New York's finest. Step right in.
176
00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:17,173
Archie Bunker? Yeah.
177
00:08:17,197 --> 00:08:19,075
Officer Gorsky. How are you?
178
00:08:19,099 --> 00:08:20,765
How do you do, Officer?
179
00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:23,178
Well, make yourself at home
there. Sit down if you want.
180
00:08:23,202 --> 00:08:25,937
You guys ain't had a day's
rest since your last strike.
181
00:08:28,976 --> 00:08:32,010
Don't stand there, Edith.
Get the officer some coffee.
182
00:08:32,079 --> 00:08:33,511
I'll make some fresh.
183
00:08:33,580 --> 00:08:35,346
Use up what's there.
184
00:08:38,384 --> 00:08:40,429
Well, I guess you come
about the muggin', huh?
185
00:08:40,453 --> 00:08:42,253
Yeah, I'm here to
complete the report.
186
00:08:42,322 --> 00:08:44,200
Yeah, well, I hope
you catch the bum.
187
00:08:44,224 --> 00:08:45,801
There's too many of
them guys runnin' around.
188
00:08:45,825 --> 00:08:47,603
You know what I'd
do with all of them?
189
00:08:47,627 --> 00:08:51,195
I'd tie 'em up on a cannibal
island and throw ketchup on 'em.
190
00:08:51,264 --> 00:08:54,465
According to your statement,
the incident happened after dark.
191
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:57,068
You said the suspect
was a Caucasian?
192
00:08:57,137 --> 00:08:58,769
No, he was white.
193
00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:02,351
No, well, he could've had
some colored mixed up.
194
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:05,243
But, I mean, anything can happen
nowadays, you know what I mean?
195
00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:08,192
He... Yeah, he could have
been one of them macaroons.
196
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:13,417
Well, do you have a
more positive identification?
197
00:09:13,486 --> 00:09:15,453
Uh, what about
scars, Mr. Bunker?
198
00:09:15,522 --> 00:09:16,988
Well, only this one here.
199
00:09:18,291 --> 00:09:20,859
We're tryin' to
identify him, not you.
200
00:09:20,928 --> 00:09:22,739
Yeah, well, I don't know.
201
00:09:22,763 --> 00:09:25,207
He was a young white guy, he
was carryin' a switchblade knife.
202
00:09:25,231 --> 00:09:27,365
They all carry
them switchblades.
203
00:09:27,434 --> 00:09:30,435
That's why I carry my little
tear gas squirter with me.
204
00:09:30,504 --> 00:09:32,703
Tear gas? Oh, you
got one of those, huh?
205
00:09:32,772 --> 00:09:33,983
Oh, you're damn right.
206
00:09:34,007 --> 00:09:35,740
Had to fill out all
the forms for it, huh?
207
00:09:35,808 --> 00:09:37,320
No, no, I got it
out of a magazine,
208
00:09:37,344 --> 00:09:39,288
you know, in the
back with all them ads
209
00:09:39,312 --> 00:09:42,813
for blackhead squeezers
and pimple crushers?
210
00:09:42,883 --> 00:09:45,884
And them gadgets, you know,
for clippin' hairs out of the nose.
211
00:09:46,619 --> 00:09:48,286
Here we are.
212
00:09:48,355 --> 00:09:50,288
How do you like your coffee?
213
00:09:50,357 --> 00:09:51,956
Oh, black, please.
214
00:09:52,025 --> 00:09:54,726
Would you like a
donut? Oh, thank you.
215
00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:56,060
Uh, Mr. Bunker,
216
00:09:56,129 --> 00:09:58,697
this, uh, tear gas squirter,
what does it look like?
217
00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:01,199
Oh, well, it looks like a
little fountain pen there.
218
00:10:01,267 --> 00:10:02,987
It's a very handy little gadget.
219
00:10:03,036 --> 00:10:04,914
You keep it in a glove
compartment of your car
220
00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:06,538
or your inside pocket there.
221
00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:08,473
I'm surprised you
cops ain't got them,
222
00:10:08,542 --> 00:10:11,502
especially when you're patrollin' up
in Central Park dressed like a dame,
223
00:10:11,545 --> 00:10:14,011
waitin' for some guy
to rape you, you know?
224
00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:16,981
I tell you, one squirt of this will
take the urge out of anybody.
225
00:10:19,653 --> 00:10:21,753
Uh, is this it?
226
00:10:21,821 --> 00:10:23,454
Yeah, yeah. You
find that in my coat?
227
00:10:23,523 --> 00:10:25,489
Yeah. It's cute, huh?
228
00:10:25,559 --> 00:10:27,725
Well, we got ourselves
a law-breaker.
229
00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:30,506
Well, if you caught the guy, why
didn't you tell me when you come in?
230
00:10:30,530 --> 00:10:32,163
Not him, you.
231
00:10:32,232 --> 00:10:33,464
Huh?
232
00:10:33,533 --> 00:10:34,766
Archie?
233
00:10:34,834 --> 00:10:37,446
Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.
234
00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:38,714
What are you talkin' about?
235
00:10:38,738 --> 00:10:40,883
You broke the law, Mr. Bunker.
236
00:10:40,907 --> 00:10:42,285
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
237
00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:44,709
What are you tellin'
me, I mugged myself?
238
00:10:44,778 --> 00:10:47,178
The mugger is
still on the loose,
239
00:10:47,247 --> 00:10:49,291
but you, sir, are in violation
240
00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:52,784
of New York City
code, section 436-5.0.
241
00:10:52,853 --> 00:10:54,318
I quote,
242
00:10:54,388 --> 00:10:56,632
"It shall be unlawful for
any person to possess
243
00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:58,989
"any lacrimating,
asphyxiating, incapacitating,
244
00:10:59,058 --> 00:11:00,658
"or deleterious gas or gases
245
00:11:00,727 --> 00:11:03,394
"or liquids or liquids
without permit."
246
00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:07,165
Lacravating or finixiating?
247
00:11:09,369 --> 00:11:12,570
How the hell can I break
a law I can't even spell?
248
00:11:12,639 --> 00:11:13,938
You did,
249
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:15,840
and you're in a
lot of trouble, sir.
250
00:11:15,909 --> 00:11:18,276
You can pay a fine up to $500
251
00:11:18,344 --> 00:11:20,144
or three months in the cooler.
252
00:11:20,213 --> 00:11:21,446
Holy cow.
253
00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:24,515
I'm gonna issue you a
citation to appear in court.
254
00:11:24,584 --> 00:11:26,228
You have a right
to remain silent...
255
00:11:26,252 --> 00:11:28,230
Oh, listen... Well, why
should he be silent?
256
00:11:28,254 --> 00:11:30,121
He didn't do nothin' wrong.
257
00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:31,867
He didn't break no law.
I didn't do nothin', here.
258
00:11:31,891 --> 00:11:34,703
I'm earnin' a livin'. But he
was just protectin' himself.
259
00:11:34,727 --> 00:11:37,361
He was defendin' himself.
He might have been killed.
260
00:11:37,430 --> 00:11:40,309
You're a policeman. You're
supposed to protect people.
261
00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:42,633
And what are you doin'?
You gave him a donut.
262
00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:46,137
Give me that back!
263
00:11:53,513 --> 00:11:54,912
Flatfoot!
264
00:12:11,898 --> 00:12:15,766
Oh, Archie, what are you doin'?
265
00:12:15,835 --> 00:12:17,955
I'm watchin' a
monster eat New York.
266
00:12:19,105 --> 00:12:21,439
Oh. Oh, that ain't no good.
267
00:12:21,508 --> 00:12:24,409
The monster don't
think so neither.
268
00:12:24,477 --> 00:12:27,345
Well, you ought
to get some sleep.
269
00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:29,225
Oh, yeah, yeah.
So you'll be rested
270
00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:30,826
I can't sleep. For
court tomorrow.
271
00:12:30,850 --> 00:12:34,219
Come on in the kitchen. I'll
give you a nice glass of milk.
272
00:12:34,287 --> 00:12:35,998
Oh, no, no, stay with the beer.
273
00:12:36,022 --> 00:12:38,789
The milk will have
me trottin' all night.
274
00:12:38,858 --> 00:12:41,291
Maybe a snack
will help you sleep.
275
00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:43,906
You don't seem to understand
what's gonna happen here, Edith.
276
00:12:43,930 --> 00:12:46,463
If I'm convicted, jeez,
I could lose my job.
277
00:12:46,533 --> 00:12:49,033
Maybe I won't get my
hack license renewed.
278
00:12:49,101 --> 00:12:51,413
I ain't a criminal! I
ain't even the type!
279
00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:54,872
Well, of course you
ain't a criminal, Archie.
280
00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:56,641
You couldn't be a criminal.
281
00:12:56,709 --> 00:13:00,177
Criminals have to
break open safes
282
00:13:00,246 --> 00:13:04,381
and commit forgery
and cut the right wires
283
00:13:04,450 --> 00:13:07,618
so the burglar alarm
system won't ring.
284
00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:10,721
You don't know how to
do none of those things.
285
00:13:14,828 --> 00:13:17,273
I didn't say I was too
stupid to be a criminal,
286
00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:19,831
I... I just said I
wasn't the type.
287
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,533
Hi. Oh, hi.
288
00:13:22,602 --> 00:13:24,835
What are you doin'
up there, little girl?
289
00:13:24,904 --> 00:13:27,205
I couldn't sleep, either.
290
00:13:27,273 --> 00:13:28,639
I've been wonderin',
291
00:13:28,708 --> 00:13:30,219
how can it be against the law
292
00:13:30,243 --> 00:13:32,955
for my father to protect
himself from a mugger?
293
00:13:32,979 --> 00:13:35,179
Yeah, don't make no sense to me.
294
00:13:35,248 --> 00:13:37,226
Well, nothin' makes
sense in this country
295
00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:40,618
since General Eisenhower
was sleepin' in the White House.
296
00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:42,820
Daddy,
297
00:13:42,888 --> 00:13:45,590
what you need is a good
lawyer to protect your civil rights.
298
00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:48,726
Ah, who needs a lawyer?
Drink the milk here.
299
00:13:48,794 --> 00:13:52,029
Civil rights ain't for
law-abidin' citizens, anyhow.
300
00:13:52,098 --> 00:13:54,965
They're for springin'
your pinko submersives
301
00:13:55,034 --> 00:13:57,034
and all 'em un-Americans
302
00:13:57,103 --> 00:13:59,837
who are always tryin' to
force peace down our throats.
303
00:13:59,906 --> 00:14:02,440
Well, what are you gonna do,
Daddy, be your own lawyer?
304
00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:03,975
Well, why not?
305
00:14:04,043 --> 00:14:07,444
All he has to do is tell them
he was defendin' himself.
306
00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:10,448
Everybody's got
a right to do that.
307
00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:13,728
Yeah, I mean, jeez, even the
animals got a right to do that.
308
00:14:13,752 --> 00:14:15,965
The tigers do it
with their claws,
309
00:14:15,989 --> 00:14:18,755
and porcupines do it
with their porcuprickers,
310
00:14:22,728 --> 00:14:24,661
and the skunks, they
squirt their enemies
311
00:14:24,730 --> 00:14:26,364
just like I done.
312
00:14:58,831 --> 00:15:01,499
Look at all the vultures here.
313
00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:04,568
You can always count
on a mob for a hangin'.
314
00:15:04,637 --> 00:15:07,004
Daddy, it's not gonna
help if you act so scared.
315
00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:09,318
Yeah, listen, little girl, when
the judge comes out, see,
316
00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:12,676
and looks at you, I want you
to stand around this way, see?
317
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:16,180
So that he can see I'm soon
to be a nice grandpa, see?
318
00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:17,714
I think we'd better sit down.
319
00:15:17,783 --> 00:15:19,984
Yeah, yeah, go ahead, sit down.
320
00:15:20,052 --> 00:15:21,386
Good morning.
321
00:15:21,454 --> 00:15:22,687
Good morning.
322
00:15:22,756 --> 00:15:25,390
Don't talk to him.
Just follow me.
323
00:15:25,458 --> 00:15:27,270
All right, go on, little
girl. Get over there.
324
00:15:27,294 --> 00:15:29,134
Daddy? Yeah.
325
00:15:30,730 --> 00:15:32,275
Is that the cop
that did it? Yeah.
326
00:15:32,299 --> 00:15:35,065
Don't look at him, damn it.
327
00:15:35,134 --> 00:15:37,168
Archie, shh!
328
00:15:37,236 --> 00:15:39,937
Don't swear when
you talk to the judge.
329
00:15:40,006 --> 00:15:42,106
Just smile and be nice.
330
00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:44,909
Oh, jeez, Edith, smiles
don't win your cases.
331
00:15:44,977 --> 00:15:46,243
You wanna win a case,
332
00:15:46,313 --> 00:15:49,413
you slip the judge
$50 under the bench.
333
00:15:49,482 --> 00:15:50,915
Oh, no!
334
00:15:50,983 --> 00:15:52,383
It is true.
335
00:15:55,154 --> 00:15:56,787
This court is in session.
336
00:15:56,856 --> 00:15:58,756
Judge Frances
MacKenzie presiding.
337
00:15:58,824 --> 00:16:00,291
Please rise.
338
00:16:01,561 --> 00:16:03,294
This guy MacKenzie,
339
00:16:03,362 --> 00:16:05,507
probably had a bad
night and a lousy breakfast
340
00:16:05,531 --> 00:16:07,611
and sufferin' from hemorrhoids.
341
00:16:09,435 --> 00:16:11,580
I'm gonna get 90 days
in the clinker for sure.
342
00:16:11,604 --> 00:16:12,670
Shh!
343
00:16:24,985 --> 00:16:27,418
Holy cow, it's the
rock pile for me.
344
00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:29,319
Please be seated.
345
00:16:31,257 --> 00:16:32,857
What do you call a lady judge?
346
00:16:32,925 --> 00:16:34,570
Your Honor. No.
347
00:16:34,594 --> 00:16:36,460
Well, madam, I guess.
348
00:16:36,529 --> 00:16:39,130
No, madams is the
one she sends up.
349
00:16:41,967 --> 00:16:44,835
Will Mr. Sloane present
the first case, please?
350
00:16:44,904 --> 00:16:47,805
Thank you, Your Honor.
"One Archibald Bunker
351
00:16:47,874 --> 00:16:49,031
"is charged with violating the
352
00:16:49,055 --> 00:16:50,786
administrative code
of the city of New York,
353
00:16:50,810 --> 00:16:53,343
"by possessing a
tear gas weapon."
354
00:16:53,413 --> 00:16:55,145
Is Archibald Bunker
in the courtroom?
355
00:16:55,214 --> 00:16:56,692
Yeah, I'm over here, Mrs. Judge.
356
00:16:56,716 --> 00:16:57,981
Approach the bench, please.
357
00:16:58,050 --> 00:17:00,684
Yeah, I'm approachin'
now. Yeah, here I am.
358
00:17:01,454 --> 00:17:02,753
What do you plead?
359
00:17:02,822 --> 00:17:04,767
Uh, guilty with an explanation.
360
00:17:04,791 --> 00:17:06,223
What is the explanation?
361
00:17:06,292 --> 00:17:07,558
I ain't guilty.
362
00:17:10,597 --> 00:17:12,963
You can't plead
guilty and not guilty.
363
00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:14,677
It must be one or the other.
364
00:17:14,701 --> 00:17:18,268
Yeah, I know, but it ain't a
clear case of black and white.
365
00:17:21,407 --> 00:17:23,340
Nothing personal there.
366
00:17:24,843 --> 00:17:26,710
You see, us cabbies,
367
00:17:26,779 --> 00:17:29,746
we... we got to defend
ourselves somehow, you know?
368
00:17:29,815 --> 00:17:31,793
And these muggers,
they carry knives, I mean,
369
00:17:31,817 --> 00:17:36,119
they don't fight according to the
rules of Marcus Pillsbury, you know.
370
00:17:36,189 --> 00:17:39,334
I mean, they stab you. Look
at the dig this guy gave me.
371
00:17:39,358 --> 00:17:41,959
And he could cut me in
worse places, you know?
372
00:17:42,027 --> 00:17:45,763
I mean, a cabbie could wind
up the night shift singin' soprano,
373
00:17:47,199 --> 00:17:49,132
if you get my meanin' here.
374
00:17:49,201 --> 00:17:52,636
Your Honor, this is merely an
arraignment to set the date for trial.
375
00:17:52,705 --> 00:17:54,672
Mr. Bunker is already
pleading his case.
376
00:17:54,741 --> 00:17:56,406
And very colorfully,
377
00:17:56,475 --> 00:17:59,544
if you'll pardon the expression.
378
00:17:59,612 --> 00:18:01,411
Say whatever you like, Judge.
379
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:03,147
Proceed. Yeah.
380
00:18:03,216 --> 00:18:06,584
Well, you know, I'm a law-abidin'
citizen, and I wouldn't hurt a fly
381
00:18:06,652 --> 00:18:09,320
even if it was drinkin' my beer.
382
00:18:09,388 --> 00:18:12,201
I'm a family man. Here's
the family, over here.
383
00:18:12,225 --> 00:18:13,457
Over here.
384
00:18:13,526 --> 00:18:17,728
Here's the wife sittin'
here. Stand up, will you?
385
00:18:17,796 --> 00:18:20,331
She talks a lot, but there
ain't no harm in her at all.
386
00:18:20,399 --> 00:18:22,699
Sit down.
387
00:18:22,768 --> 00:18:26,370
And here's the daughter
over here. Up, huh?
388
00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:29,373
Hurry up, the two
of you, will you?
389
00:18:29,442 --> 00:18:30,574
Here, there she is.
390
00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:35,212
And, you see, uh,
she's, uh... Face there.
391
00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:38,982
She's, right now, she's pregnant
with child there, Your Honor, see?
392
00:18:39,051 --> 00:18:42,719
And, uh, it's a legal child, which
is a good thing for nowadays.
393
00:18:44,657 --> 00:18:47,969
Now, we're gonna
name that child Archie
394
00:18:47,993 --> 00:18:49,204
after me, you see?
395
00:18:49,228 --> 00:18:51,340
Unless you turn my
name into a number,
396
00:18:51,364 --> 00:18:53,631
and that'd be a
hell of a disgrace.
397
00:18:53,699 --> 00:18:57,368
Of course, we could name
him Junior, after Sammy Davis.
398
00:19:04,010 --> 00:19:06,911
Who's a very good friend of
mine. He was in my house.
399
00:19:06,980 --> 00:19:09,045
Mr. Bunker, do you
have an attorney?
400
00:19:09,114 --> 00:19:11,193
He seems to be defending
himself, Your Honor.
401
00:19:11,217 --> 00:19:13,517
Like I was defendin'
myself in my cab.
402
00:19:13,586 --> 00:19:16,287
Now, you must plead
guilty or innocent,
403
00:19:16,355 --> 00:19:18,395
and I'll set a date for trial.
404
00:19:18,458 --> 00:19:21,491
And, Mr. Bunker, I
suggest you hire a lawyer.
405
00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:23,627
Yeah, but, Judge, what
do I need a lawyer for?
406
00:19:23,696 --> 00:19:25,107
I don't even know
why I'm in court,
407
00:19:25,131 --> 00:19:28,766
just because I squirted
tear gas at a mugger.
408
00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:31,035
You mean you actually
used that weapon?
409
00:19:31,103 --> 00:19:32,336
Damn right!
410
00:19:32,404 --> 00:19:33,804
Archie!
411
00:19:33,873 --> 00:19:34,938
Shh!
412
00:19:37,076 --> 00:19:39,477
You were only charged
with possession.
413
00:19:39,545 --> 00:19:41,311
This is a new
ballgame, Your Honor.
414
00:19:41,381 --> 00:19:43,525
Using a dangerous weapon
is assault. That's a felony.
415
00:19:43,549 --> 00:19:44,815
Wait a minute.
416
00:19:44,884 --> 00:19:48,051
With a possible penalty
of seven years in prison.
417
00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:49,654
Seven years?
418
00:19:49,722 --> 00:19:51,133
Oh, Archie! ARCHIE: Seven years!
419
00:19:51,157 --> 00:19:53,435
Seven years! Did you
hear? Seven years?
420
00:19:53,459 --> 00:19:55,826
For self-defendin'
myself against a criminal?
421
00:19:55,895 --> 00:19:58,930
Now, I have no sympathy
for criminals, Mr. Bunker,
422
00:19:58,998 --> 00:20:00,931
but the law is the law,
423
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:03,267
and it applies to both of you.
424
00:20:03,335 --> 00:20:06,081
Yeah, yeah, but, Mrs. Judge, you got a
criminal runnin' around on the loose there,
425
00:20:06,105 --> 00:20:07,665
and me, I'm a
law-abidin' citizen,
426
00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:10,307
and I'm up the creek
in a boat with a hole.
427
00:20:12,912 --> 00:20:14,990
As Mr. Bunker's daughter,
I've got to say something.
428
00:20:15,014 --> 00:20:16,525
That woman's out
of order, Your Honor.
429
00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:17,793
Well, only for the
next few weeks,
430
00:20:17,817 --> 00:20:19,784
then she'll be back
to normal again.
431
00:20:22,488 --> 00:20:23,954
Please be seated.
432
00:20:24,991 --> 00:20:26,757
Officer Gorsky,
433
00:20:26,826 --> 00:20:29,093
I see in your file on this case,
434
00:20:29,161 --> 00:20:31,561
that the assailant,
one Yannis Predreski,
435
00:20:31,630 --> 00:20:34,843
has been apprehended and
has made a full confession.
436
00:20:34,867 --> 00:20:35,944
Yes, Your Honor.
437
00:20:35,968 --> 00:20:38,101
Good, lock him up in Dannemora.
438
00:20:38,170 --> 00:20:40,304
We can't. He's been released.
439
00:20:40,373 --> 00:20:42,673
He's been released? Why?
440
00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:46,109
Because the arresting officer
violated proper procedure.
441
00:20:46,178 --> 00:20:49,112
He read Mr. Predreski's
rights to him in English,
442
00:20:49,181 --> 00:20:53,618
and Mr. Predreski doesn't
understand or speak English.
443
00:20:53,686 --> 00:20:57,688
Well, no bum that can't speak perfect
English ought to stay in this country!
444
00:20:57,757 --> 00:21:00,625
He ought to be de-exported
the hell out of here!
445
00:21:04,364 --> 00:21:06,096
I mean...
446
00:21:06,165 --> 00:21:10,134
Listen, Mrs. Judge, some system
of judisprudence we got here.
447
00:21:10,202 --> 00:21:12,270
I mean, he's a
foreign-born criminal
448
00:21:12,338 --> 00:21:13,937
runnin' around on the loose.
449
00:21:14,006 --> 00:21:16,574
And the law is comin' down
on a native-born American,
450
00:21:16,643 --> 00:21:18,420
and a veteran American at that,
451
00:21:18,444 --> 00:21:21,011
with a butt full of
shrapnel from Italy.
452
00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:22,613
That's true, Judge.
453
00:21:22,682 --> 00:21:25,683
That's why I ain't took
my wife dancin' in 30 years.
454
00:21:25,751 --> 00:21:27,585
That's right, Madam Judge,
455
00:21:27,653 --> 00:21:30,153
and... and Archie
has a purple heart
456
00:21:30,222 --> 00:21:32,422
and a good conduct medal.
457
00:21:32,491 --> 00:21:34,257
Mrs. Bunker,
you're out of order.
458
00:21:34,326 --> 00:21:37,127
No, she ain't pregnant.
It's the daughter.
459
00:21:37,196 --> 00:21:38,436
Excuse me.
460
00:21:38,497 --> 00:21:40,630
Your Honor, I may
be out of order,
461
00:21:40,699 --> 00:21:42,867
but do you call this justice?
462
00:21:42,935 --> 00:21:45,002
My husband and I have
given a lot of thought
463
00:21:45,071 --> 00:21:47,304
to civil liberties,
human rights,
464
00:21:47,373 --> 00:21:49,173
equal treatment for all.
465
00:21:49,242 --> 00:21:51,508
And now you free a criminal
466
00:21:51,577 --> 00:21:54,544
and deny my father, an
honest, law-abiding citizen,
467
00:21:54,613 --> 00:21:56,213
the right to defend himself.
468
00:21:56,281 --> 00:21:58,126
Twenty two months
in Italy, Judge.
469
00:22:01,654 --> 00:22:03,087
Order!
470
00:22:03,789 --> 00:22:05,289
Young lady,
471
00:22:05,357 --> 00:22:08,325
your father's civil rights have
been scrupulously guarded.
472
00:22:08,394 --> 00:22:10,594
Without the protection
of his civil rights,
473
00:22:10,662 --> 00:22:13,297
Officer Gorsky could
have broken into your home
474
00:22:13,365 --> 00:22:15,466
and seized that weapon
without a warrant.
475
00:22:15,534 --> 00:22:16,833
Now...
476
00:22:18,170 --> 00:22:20,237
Where is the warrant?
477
00:22:20,306 --> 00:22:22,386
Well, uh, Your Honor,
there wasn't any.
478
00:22:22,441 --> 00:22:25,442
I, uh, wasn't aware that
there was an illegal weapon.
479
00:22:25,511 --> 00:22:28,579
I confiscated it because we
wouldn't have a case without it.
480
00:22:28,648 --> 00:22:31,749
I wasn't aware that the
accused had used a weapon.
481
00:22:31,817 --> 00:22:33,083
Officer,
482
00:22:33,151 --> 00:22:35,319
did Mr. Bunker
volunteer that weapon?
483
00:22:35,388 --> 00:22:37,032
I got it out of a magazine.
484
00:22:37,056 --> 00:22:39,089
No, Daddy, she means,
485
00:22:39,158 --> 00:22:41,358
did you give the officer
your tear gas squirter?
486
00:22:41,427 --> 00:22:42,837
I turned it right over to him.
487
00:22:42,861 --> 00:22:44,101
No, you didn't.
488
00:22:44,129 --> 00:22:46,763
No, I didn't do that.
489
00:22:46,832 --> 00:22:50,401
The officer walked
all around our house
490
00:22:50,469 --> 00:22:53,370
peeking in the drawers
and in the closet
491
00:22:53,439 --> 00:22:56,959
till he found it in the
pocket of Archie's coat.
492
00:22:57,009 --> 00:22:58,442
Without a warrant?
493
00:22:58,511 --> 00:23:00,522
You don't get a warrant
with them squirt guns.
494
00:23:00,546 --> 00:23:02,746
They either break or they don't.
495
00:23:04,550 --> 00:23:07,584
I... I did not have a search
warrant, Your Honor.
496
00:23:07,653 --> 00:23:09,553
Case dismissed. Huh?
497
00:23:09,622 --> 00:23:11,856
Daddy! You're free!
Oh, you mean us?
498
00:23:13,225 --> 00:23:15,258
I'm sorry for
interrupting, Your Honor.
499
00:23:15,327 --> 00:23:17,606
Wait a minute, wait
a minute. Hey, listen.
500
00:23:17,630 --> 00:23:20,041
Uh, Judge, I don't understand.
501
00:23:20,065 --> 00:23:21,977
You mean to say that
you're gonna turn me loose
502
00:23:22,001 --> 00:23:24,335
because this cop
searched my house?
503
00:23:24,403 --> 00:23:27,070
Yes, because to search
your house without a warrant
504
00:23:27,139 --> 00:23:29,740
was in violation
of your civil rights.
505
00:23:31,477 --> 00:23:34,110
You ain't particularly
smart, are you?
506
00:23:39,619 --> 00:23:41,051
Mr. Bunker,
507
00:23:41,120 --> 00:23:44,422
the law does permit criminals
to go free now and then,
508
00:23:44,490 --> 00:23:46,256
but that's the price we pay
509
00:23:46,325 --> 00:23:48,759
to protect
everyone's civil rights.
510
00:23:48,828 --> 00:23:51,862
Well, Judge, you
probably know your law.
511
00:23:51,931 --> 00:23:54,631
All I got to say is
thank you very much.
512
00:23:55,935 --> 00:23:58,113
I'm certainly glad to be free.
513
00:23:58,137 --> 00:23:59,848
And if ever you
need anything, Judge,
514
00:23:59,872 --> 00:24:01,582
like if you need a
taxicab in a hurry,
515
00:24:01,606 --> 00:24:03,351
you just call me up,
I'll flash right over,
516
00:24:03,375 --> 00:24:05,020
take you anywheres
you want for nothin'.
517
00:24:05,044 --> 00:24:07,645
We'll leave the flag
up. Who's to know?
518
00:24:09,548 --> 00:24:11,448
Me.
519
00:24:11,517 --> 00:24:12,883
I didn't say nothin'.
520
00:24:12,951 --> 00:24:14,485
Okay, let's go.
521
00:24:14,554 --> 00:24:17,288
Hey, Mr. Bunker.
Oh, yes, Judge, yes?
522
00:24:17,356 --> 00:24:19,122
Take care of your wounded hand.
523
00:24:19,191 --> 00:24:21,792
Oh, yeah, sure.
Thank you very much.
524
00:24:45,183 --> 00:24:47,328
All in the Family
was recorded on tape
525
00:24:47,352 --> 00:24:49,220
before a live audience.
39802
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.