1 00:00:01,479 --> 00:00:03,307 ANNOUNCER: These parents are Outmatched. 2 00:00:03,351 --> 00:00:05,527 How did I give birth to Wikipedia? 3 00:00:05,570 --> 00:00:07,007 ANNOUNCER: All-new episodes Thursdays. 4 00:00:07,137 --> 00:00:09,139 And watch other Fox shows like Last Man Standing. 5 00:00:09,270 --> 00:00:10,967 -Bingo. -Only on Fox. 6 00:00:13,883 --> 00:00:15,885 What's that sad bouncy house for? 7 00:00:17,669 --> 00:00:19,410 That is an air mattress. 8 00:00:19,454 --> 00:00:21,282 And I think we all know what it's for. 9 00:00:21,325 --> 00:00:22,848 Marital strife. 10 00:00:22,892 --> 00:00:26,200 Ha! Not this time. 11 00:00:26,243 --> 00:00:28,115 Nope. 12 00:00:28,158 --> 00:00:30,117 Actually, the air mattress is for Nicole. 13 00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:32,641 You're sleeping in Markand Leila's room for a few days 14 00:00:32,684 --> 00:00:34,425 because... 15 00:00:34,469 --> 00:00:38,255 Grandma and Grandpa are coming. Yay! 16 00:00:38,299 --> 00:00:40,301 [groaning] 17 00:00:40,344 --> 00:00:43,347 Seriously? It's like being visited by two time travelers 18 00:00:43,391 --> 00:00:46,959 here to tell us which stores used to be other stores. 19 00:00:47,003 --> 00:00:49,223 All right, okay, listen. 20 00:00:49,266 --> 00:00:51,747 I-I know having them here isn't always easy... 21 00:00:51,790 --> 00:00:54,532 But you have to understand they come from a generation 22 00:00:54,576 --> 00:00:58,319 where food and criticism are how you show love. 23 00:00:58,362 --> 00:01:00,321 Let's be honest. 24 00:01:00,364 --> 00:01:01,713 Thanks to technology, the oral tradition 25 00:01:01,757 --> 00:01:03,976 that once made Grandma and Grandpa relevant 26 00:01:04,020 --> 00:01:06,457 has been rendered obsolete. 27 00:01:06,501 --> 00:01:08,590 They're the AOL of people. 28 00:01:10,505 --> 00:01:13,377 They do make weird sounds when starting up. 29 00:01:15,379 --> 00:01:16,946 And they love telling us when we have mail. 30 00:01:16,989 --> 00:01:18,948 But that's helpful. 31 00:01:18,991 --> 00:01:21,255 Yes. I think there's still a lot 32 00:01:21,298 --> 00:01:23,692 Grandma and Grandpa can teach us. 33 00:01:23,735 --> 00:01:26,303 Oh. Thanks, buddy. 34 00:01:26,347 --> 00:01:29,524 They will likely be our introduction to death. 35 00:01:31,395 --> 00:01:33,354 You guys don't enjoy it when they're here, either. 36 00:01:33,397 --> 00:01:35,399 Last time they came Mom broke out a puzzle 37 00:01:35,443 --> 00:01:37,358 and you left to go watch the sunset. 38 00:01:37,401 --> 00:01:39,751 It was 8:00 a.m. 39 00:01:41,405 --> 00:01:42,406 When are they coming? 40 00:01:42,450 --> 00:01:43,364 Well... 41 00:01:48,325 --> 00:01:50,893 Bang. You're all dead. 42 00:01:51,981 --> 00:01:53,200 House full of geniuses, 43 00:01:53,243 --> 00:01:56,377 nobody thinks to lock the front door? 44 00:01:56,420 --> 00:01:58,030 Also, you've got mail. 45 00:01:59,641 --> 00:02:02,470 ♪ 46 00:02:09,651 --> 00:02:11,870 -Sylvia! Jay, hi. -Hi. 47 00:02:11,914 --> 00:02:14,743 -Hi. -Hey. -There he is. 48 00:02:14,786 --> 00:02:16,440 How was the flight from Boca? 49 00:02:16,484 --> 00:02:18,964 Confusing. I sat next to something called 50 00:02:19,008 --> 00:02:22,316 an emotional support duck. 51 00:02:22,359 --> 00:02:24,231 I'm telling you, the world has gone nuts. 52 00:02:24,274 --> 00:02:26,189 Your kids' futures are in the hands 53 00:02:26,233 --> 00:02:29,975 of people who fly around with ducks in little red vests. 54 00:02:30,019 --> 00:02:31,760 Yeah. In my day, ducks used to wear a jacket and tie 55 00:02:31,803 --> 00:02:33,414 when they flew on a plane. 56 00:02:33,457 --> 00:02:35,851 [laughs]Hey... hey, that's pretty good. 57 00:02:35,894 --> 00:02:37,983 Kay tell you to say that? 58 00:02:38,027 --> 00:02:39,071 SYLVIA: Look at these angels. 59 00:02:39,115 --> 00:02:42,423 Ooh, I just want to dunk you in sangria 60 00:02:42,466 --> 00:02:44,251 and drink you up. [clicks tongue] 61 00:02:44,294 --> 00:02:46,383 Here's my boy Marcadine. Huh? 62 00:02:46,427 --> 00:02:49,604 And Brian. Put her there, baby. Put her there. 63 00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:53,260 What is that, like, a bag of coleslaw? 64 00:02:53,303 --> 00:02:54,783 Come on. Don't they teach you how to 65 00:02:54,826 --> 00:02:57,394 shake hands at that fancy private school of yours? 66 00:02:57,438 --> 00:02:58,656 That's next semester. 67 00:02:58,700 --> 00:03:00,354 Right now we're focusing on eye contact 68 00:03:00,397 --> 00:03:02,834 and comfort around groups of two or more. 69 00:03:04,488 --> 00:03:06,925 Hey, you're wasting your money on that private school. 70 00:03:06,969 --> 00:03:08,884 And by the way, I just taught him how to shake hands. 71 00:03:08,927 --> 00:03:10,494 That'll be 30 grand, please. 72 00:03:12,496 --> 00:03:13,367 SYLVIA: Hush up, Jay. 73 00:03:13,410 --> 00:03:16,283 You know, I brag to my friends all the time 74 00:03:16,326 --> 00:03:18,241 about how brilliant you three are. 75 00:03:18,285 --> 00:03:21,070 Let me see you do something smart for Grandma. 76 00:03:21,113 --> 00:03:24,465 What number am I thinking of 77 00:03:24,508 --> 00:03:26,206 right now? 78 00:03:27,511 --> 00:03:29,034 Seven. 79 00:03:29,078 --> 00:03:32,081 Oh, my God! My brilliant grandchildren! 80 00:03:34,126 --> 00:03:36,303 [quietly]: It was three. I felt bad. 81 00:03:36,346 --> 00:03:37,913 There's my little featherweight, huh? 82 00:03:37,956 --> 00:03:39,610 Come over here. 83 00:03:39,654 --> 00:03:41,699 Let me see you put that left hook right on Grandpa's chin. 84 00:03:41,743 --> 00:03:43,614 -Go ahead. -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 85 00:03:43,658 --> 00:03:45,747 [chuckles] Yeah, we're-we're trying to cut back 86 00:03:45,790 --> 00:03:47,749 on the violence. Apparently, during recess, 87 00:03:47,792 --> 00:03:49,751 she organized a fight club. 88 00:03:49,794 --> 00:03:52,493 SYLVIA: Nicole, look at you. 89 00:03:52,536 --> 00:03:53,755 So gorgeous. 90 00:03:53,798 --> 00:03:55,931 You don't need a brain when you're this pretty. 91 00:03:55,974 --> 00:03:59,064 I'm a three-time regional debate champion, 92 00:03:59,108 --> 00:04:02,067 and I don't know how to respond to that. 93 00:04:02,111 --> 00:04:04,287 What I do is say nothing. 94 00:04:04,331 --> 00:04:07,159 Then get too drunk atThanksgiving and say everything. 95 00:04:07,203 --> 00:04:09,553 Anyway, Dad, uh, 96 00:04:09,597 --> 00:04:11,163 I know how much you miss Wawa, 97 00:04:11,207 --> 00:04:13,427 so I picked up a bunch of subs for dinner. 98 00:04:13,470 --> 00:04:15,080 What are you talking about? 99 00:04:15,124 --> 00:04:17,344 You can't have lunch meat for dinner. 100 00:04:17,387 --> 00:04:18,867 What is this, an AA meeting? 101 00:04:18,910 --> 00:04:21,348 Oh, what, are you kidding? No way. 102 00:04:21,391 --> 00:04:23,132 We're having steaks. 103 00:04:23,175 --> 00:04:24,873 Oh, look at that. I got-- 104 00:04:24,916 --> 00:04:27,658 I got the best butcher in Florida. Huh? 105 00:04:27,702 --> 00:04:29,965 Your mother thought I was crazypacking frozen steaks 106 00:04:30,008 --> 00:04:32,359 in my carry-on. [laughs] 107 00:04:32,402 --> 00:04:35,579 Who's crazy now, lady? 108 00:04:35,623 --> 00:04:38,539 I love it when my family is all together. 109 00:04:38,582 --> 00:04:41,542 I agree. It's a nice moment. I'll miss this. 110 00:04:41,585 --> 00:04:44,675 Oh, Markie, we're gonna be here the whole week. 111 00:04:44,719 --> 00:04:46,329 I meant when you're dead. 112 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:52,292 Who wants to do a puzzle? 113 00:04:56,861 --> 00:05:00,561 Oh, you finally got around to all that nailing scraps 114 00:05:00,604 --> 00:05:02,911 of wood you've been meaning to do. 115 00:05:02,954 --> 00:05:05,566 I needed a break from my dad. 116 00:05:05,609 --> 00:05:07,568 You know, I drove a half hour to get those subs, 117 00:05:07,611 --> 00:05:09,221 and he just pulls out some luggage meat 118 00:05:09,265 --> 00:05:11,180 and expects me to fire up the grill? 119 00:05:11,223 --> 00:05:13,704 I mean, he was barely through the door and already 120 00:05:13,748 --> 00:05:16,751 criticizing me, my parenting, my subs. 121 00:05:16,794 --> 00:05:19,710 I feel bad for the duck who had to sit next to him 122 00:05:19,754 --> 00:05:21,799 on the plane. 123 00:05:21,843 --> 00:05:24,236 I hope that duck has its own duck. 124 00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:26,021 It's like nothing I do is right. 125 00:05:26,064 --> 00:05:27,501 And it's been like that my whole life. 126 00:05:27,544 --> 00:05:30,155 You know, in high school, I wanted to play soccer. 127 00:05:30,199 --> 00:05:32,375 He made me play football because... 128 00:05:32,419 --> 00:05:33,942 [imitating Jay]: Soccer? [scoffs] 129 00:05:33,985 --> 00:05:37,075 Soccer's for commies and failed placekickers. 130 00:05:38,207 --> 00:05:40,427 Yeah. Well, in your dad's defense, 131 00:05:40,470 --> 00:05:42,516 being married to your mom for 40 years 132 00:05:42,559 --> 00:05:44,256 probably broke his brain. 133 00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:46,737 Do not make me choose between you and my mom 134 00:05:46,781 --> 00:05:50,393 because... you'll win, but you might not cover the spread. 135 00:05:50,437 --> 00:05:52,264 Any time she gets me alone, 136 00:05:52,308 --> 00:05:54,571 all she does is grill me about you. 137 00:05:54,615 --> 00:05:55,964 [imitating Sylvia]: How's he sleeping? 138 00:05:56,007 --> 00:06:00,055 Does he wear a jacket? Is he having foot pain? 139 00:06:00,098 --> 00:06:03,537 Good. When it's cold. And not since she sent me the insoles. 140 00:06:03,580 --> 00:06:05,800 I don't want to talk about your stupid feet. 141 00:06:05,843 --> 00:06:08,846 But no matter what I say, she somehow always 142 00:06:08,890 --> 00:06:10,457 brings it back to you. 143 00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:12,241 One time I mentioned tampons, 144 00:06:12,284 --> 00:06:15,287 and she got it back to you in 11 words. 145 00:06:15,331 --> 00:06:17,028 How'd she do that? 146 00:06:17,072 --> 00:06:21,816 Oh, never mind. I got it. 147 00:06:21,859 --> 00:06:23,992 Ugh, we should get back up there. 148 00:06:24,035 --> 00:06:25,559 The kids are alone with your parents, 149 00:06:25,602 --> 00:06:27,256 probably racking up thousands of dollars 150 00:06:27,299 --> 00:06:28,997 in future therapy. 151 00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:30,999 Oh, hey, let's look on the bright side. 152 00:06:31,042 --> 00:06:33,001 I mean, I never even knew my grandparents. 153 00:06:33,044 --> 00:06:35,482 -I mean, we should feel lucky that we still have... -JAY: Hey! 154 00:06:35,525 --> 00:06:38,441 What the hell is a kale chip? 155 00:06:42,619 --> 00:06:46,362 Two nails left. One for you, one for me. 156 00:06:53,717 --> 00:06:56,677 Kay, there you are. 157 00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:58,026 Sit your tush. 158 00:06:58,069 --> 00:06:59,723 We need to talk, just us girls. 159 00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:04,032 So... how's my boy? 160 00:07:04,075 --> 00:07:06,338 Wearing plenty of jackets, Syl. 161 00:07:06,382 --> 00:07:07,818 Oh, good. And... 162 00:07:07,862 --> 00:07:09,733 Feet are much better since the insoles. 163 00:07:09,777 --> 00:07:12,344 Arches like a ballerina, that one. 164 00:07:12,388 --> 00:07:13,520 -And is he... -Hey. 165 00:07:13,563 --> 00:07:15,826 That is a lovely jacket. 166 00:07:15,870 --> 00:07:17,524 Where did you get that from? 167 00:07:17,567 --> 00:07:20,352 Oh, I got it at an after-Christmas sale. 168 00:07:20,396 --> 00:07:21,919 Those are always a gamble. 169 00:07:21,963 --> 00:07:24,922 Of course, you know about that from your job at the casino. 170 00:07:24,966 --> 00:07:27,664 Which reminds me, how is work for Mike? 171 00:07:29,231 --> 00:07:31,625 Mom, Grandpa sent me in to bring him a beer 172 00:07:31,668 --> 00:07:35,150 because he says it tastes betterwhen a woman brings it to him. 173 00:07:35,193 --> 00:07:37,674 I taught him that. 174 00:07:37,718 --> 00:07:39,937 It's important to keep them helpless. 175 00:07:39,981 --> 00:07:43,506 You know, why don't I bring it to him, 176 00:07:43,550 --> 00:07:45,552 and, Nicole, you can stay here and fill in Grandma 177 00:07:45,595 --> 00:07:46,988 on what Dad's been doing. 178 00:07:47,031 --> 00:07:49,381 But I want to see Grandpa's facewhen we finish the puzzle 179 00:07:49,425 --> 00:07:52,428 and he sees that the Earth is round. 180 00:07:53,908 --> 00:07:57,215 I heard daughters who take one for the team 181 00:07:57,259 --> 00:07:59,870 -sometimes get their bedrooms back. -[chuckles] 182 00:07:59,914 --> 00:08:03,004 I see your bribe and raise you that blazer I wanted. 183 00:08:03,047 --> 00:08:04,658 Done. You're slipping. 184 00:08:04,701 --> 00:08:07,399 You could have had me for the full pantsuit. 185 00:08:07,443 --> 00:08:09,793 You could have had me for just the bedroom. 186 00:08:09,837 --> 00:08:11,665 Damn it. 187 00:08:11,708 --> 00:08:13,710 Kay! 188 00:08:13,754 --> 00:08:15,103 You forgot Jay's beer. 189 00:08:15,146 --> 00:08:16,757 Yeah, I'm not doing that. 190 00:08:21,457 --> 00:08:25,113 Hey, buddy, why don't you come help us with the puzzle? 191 00:08:25,156 --> 00:08:28,899 No puzzle is quite sofascinating as the final puzzle. 192 00:08:28,943 --> 00:08:30,553 Death. 193 00:08:36,385 --> 00:08:39,910 That's a real spooky kid you got there, son. 194 00:08:39,954 --> 00:08:42,260 Geez. So, Bri, 195 00:08:42,304 --> 00:08:43,740 tell me, how's it going with the girls? 196 00:08:43,784 --> 00:08:45,002 You driving 'em wild? 197 00:08:45,046 --> 00:08:48,092 I'm not sure, 'cause I've never spoken to them. 198 00:08:49,485 --> 00:08:52,619 Well, that's all gonna change now that you're driving. 199 00:08:52,662 --> 00:08:54,272 Oh, I'm not driving. 200 00:08:54,316 --> 00:08:55,360 What are you talking about? 201 00:08:55,404 --> 00:08:57,014 We don't need to get into that.Oh, hey, Dad, 202 00:08:57,058 --> 00:08:59,060 was that CVS that looks like a movie theater 203 00:08:59,103 --> 00:09:01,366 always a CVS? 204 00:09:01,410 --> 00:09:04,065 Oh, no, no. First it was a Gimbels... 205 00:09:04,108 --> 00:09:06,937 Don't bait me with store talk. 206 00:09:06,981 --> 00:09:09,810 I want to hear about this thing. 207 00:09:09,853 --> 00:09:11,376 I'm not driving until I'm 25. 208 00:09:11,420 --> 00:09:13,422 That's when the limbic system is developed enough 209 00:09:13,465 --> 00:09:16,207 to fully process risk. 210 00:09:16,251 --> 00:09:18,383 You know, with all the science in that sentence, 211 00:09:18,427 --> 00:09:20,385 it's still the dumbest thing I've ever heard. 212 00:09:20,429 --> 00:09:22,953 Well, if getting around is the concern, 213 00:09:22,997 --> 00:09:24,302 I have that taken care of. 214 00:09:24,346 --> 00:09:25,826 Oh, no, no, no, hold on. 215 00:09:25,869 --> 00:09:26,957 We don't need to show Grandpa that. 216 00:09:27,001 --> 00:09:28,089 Show Grandpa what? 217 00:09:28,132 --> 00:09:32,093 This is the future of transportation. 218 00:09:32,136 --> 00:09:35,400 That is the future of dying a virgin. 219 00:09:35,444 --> 00:09:38,186 I know what you're thinking, and the answer is yes. 220 00:09:38,229 --> 00:09:41,450 -This is a wearable airbag. -[horn squeaks] 221 00:09:43,887 --> 00:09:45,106 You're okay with this? 222 00:09:45,149 --> 00:09:47,674 "Okay" is a strong word. 223 00:09:47,717 --> 00:09:50,807 Son, a man has to drive. 224 00:09:50,851 --> 00:09:53,854 You can't take a girl to the drive-in in an Uber. 225 00:09:53,897 --> 00:09:55,507 I mean, how's that supposed to work? 226 00:09:55,551 --> 00:09:57,074 "Honey, I'm gonna go get some popcorn. 227 00:09:57,118 --> 00:09:59,511 Anything for you, Viktor?" 228 00:09:59,555 --> 00:10:01,775 He doesn't want to learn how to drive. Okay? 229 00:10:01,818 --> 00:10:03,298 And I'm not gonna force my kidsto do something 230 00:10:03,341 --> 00:10:04,429 they don't want to do. 231 00:10:04,473 --> 00:10:06,083 Okay, fine. If you can't handle it, 232 00:10:06,127 --> 00:10:07,215 I'll take care of it. 233 00:10:07,258 --> 00:10:08,825 -Whoa, h-hold on, hold on. -What? 234 00:10:08,869 --> 00:10:10,697 No, you're-you're not teaching my kid how to drive. 235 00:10:10,740 --> 00:10:12,873 If anyone is teaching him, it's gonna be me. 236 00:10:12,916 --> 00:10:13,787 Sure you are. 237 00:10:13,830 --> 00:10:15,789 That's almost as funny as Kay's duck joke. 238 00:10:15,832 --> 00:10:19,227 No. No, no, no, I'm doing it. Okay? 239 00:10:19,270 --> 00:10:20,794 Hey, Bri, you hear that, buddy? 240 00:10:20,837 --> 00:10:22,926 -Your dad's teaching you to drive. -What? 241 00:10:27,714 --> 00:10:31,848 Boy, you're off to a bang-up start, huh? 242 00:10:31,892 --> 00:10:34,459 You got a, uh, pocket knife to pop your son? 243 00:10:34,503 --> 00:10:36,505 Of course you don't. 244 00:10:41,597 --> 00:10:43,381 Hey. How'd you get rid of Grandma? 245 00:10:43,425 --> 00:10:45,166 Did you tell her Michael Bublé's signing CDs 246 00:10:45,209 --> 00:10:46,907 at the Barnes and Noble? 247 00:10:48,343 --> 00:10:50,345 No. She's making us a nail appointment. 248 00:10:50,388 --> 00:10:52,739 Oh, sweetie, no. 249 00:10:52,782 --> 00:10:54,262 You will be strapped to a spa chair 250 00:10:54,305 --> 00:10:56,046 while Grandma grills you about Dad. 251 00:10:56,090 --> 00:10:59,702 That is not a nail appointment,that's a hostage situation. 252 00:10:59,746 --> 00:11:02,096 Actually, she's barely mentioned Dad. 253 00:11:02,139 --> 00:11:03,924 Really? 254 00:11:03,967 --> 00:11:06,970 So what have you been talking about this whole time? 255 00:11:07,014 --> 00:11:09,320 A lot of things. Her life, my life. 256 00:11:09,364 --> 00:11:12,106 We called her friend Margee. She's a real hoot. 257 00:11:12,149 --> 00:11:15,065 That's a phrase I picked up from Margee. 258 00:11:15,109 --> 00:11:17,285 SYLVIA: Good news. 259 00:11:17,328 --> 00:11:21,289 My nail lady Carmela's out on parole, and she can fit us in. 260 00:11:21,332 --> 00:11:24,771 Then you can finishyour story about Kevin Slattery. 261 00:11:24,814 --> 00:11:26,076 [both chuckle] 262 00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:27,599 Who's Kevin Slattery? 263 00:11:27,643 --> 00:11:31,386 Oh, nobody. Grandma. 264 00:11:31,429 --> 00:11:34,519 Oh, right. [tongue clicking] 265 00:11:34,563 --> 00:11:35,869 We should go anyway. 266 00:11:35,912 --> 00:11:38,567 When we're done at Carmela's, I booked us a spray tan. 267 00:11:38,610 --> 00:11:40,221 I know a guy who does it cheap 268 00:11:40,264 --> 00:11:41,918 in the parking lot of a funeral home. 269 00:11:45,792 --> 00:11:46,967 [engine revving over TV] 270 00:11:47,010 --> 00:11:48,925 So you're mad that your daughter 271 00:11:48,969 --> 00:11:51,232 is spending quality time with her grandmother? 272 00:11:51,275 --> 00:11:54,322 No, I'm mad they're doing it without me. 273 00:11:54,365 --> 00:11:56,367 I mean, do I not look like someone who wants 274 00:11:56,411 --> 00:11:58,326 to get a spray tan in a parking lot? 275 00:11:58,369 --> 00:12:01,459 I am Jersey trash. That's all I want. 276 00:12:01,503 --> 00:12:02,983 Your favorite food is wine coolers. 277 00:12:03,026 --> 00:12:05,115 No one's questioning how trashy you are. 278 00:12:05,159 --> 00:12:09,119 It's not just that. They were actually bonding. 279 00:12:09,163 --> 00:12:11,643 Neither of them have ever talked to me like that. 280 00:12:11,687 --> 00:12:14,908 Oh, honey, I'm sorry. 281 00:12:14,951 --> 00:12:16,997 I know how badly you want to connect with-- 282 00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:19,608 Yeah! Suck it, blue guy! Whoo! 283 00:12:19,651 --> 00:12:22,219 That is why we keepthe video games in the basement. 284 00:12:22,263 --> 00:12:23,960 Why is this out? 285 00:12:24,004 --> 00:12:27,007 Oh, it's a low-stress way to teach Brian how to drive. 286 00:12:27,050 --> 00:12:28,008 But Brian doesn't want to drive. 287 00:12:28,051 --> 00:12:30,140 And we agreed that's fine since he wanted us 288 00:12:30,184 --> 00:12:31,794 to put a seat belt on the recliner. 289 00:12:31,838 --> 00:12:37,147 Look, honey, a man needs to drive. 290 00:12:37,191 --> 00:12:38,670 Why? 291 00:12:38,714 --> 00:12:41,064 Because... W-What are you gonna do? 292 00:12:41,108 --> 00:12:44,546 You gonna go to the drive-in with Viktor? 293 00:12:46,069 --> 00:12:49,029 Oh. This was your dad's idea. 294 00:12:49,072 --> 00:12:51,596 Fine, but it was my idea to listen to him. 295 00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:53,816 And I am gonna take the lead on this, all right? 296 00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:56,166 If I left it up to my dad, he'd-- I don't know-- 297 00:12:56,210 --> 00:13:00,083 he'd whistle, smack Brian's buttand say, "Car. Now." 298 00:13:00,127 --> 00:13:03,043 Hey, Leils, have you seen Brian? 299 00:13:03,086 --> 00:13:04,392 Uh, I just saw Grandpa go... 300 00:13:04,435 --> 00:13:08,091 [whistles] "Car. Now." 301 00:13:08,135 --> 00:13:10,485 Damn it. Here, take over. 302 00:13:12,226 --> 00:13:14,619 Hey, Mom, can you get me a juice box? 303 00:13:14,663 --> 00:13:17,448 It tastes better when a woman brings it to you. 304 00:13:21,017 --> 00:13:23,628 -All right, okay. This is it. -You know, Grandpa, 305 00:13:23,672 --> 00:13:25,543 if you really wanted to try my transporter, 306 00:13:25,587 --> 00:13:27,415 you could have just done it in the driveway. 307 00:13:27,458 --> 00:13:29,199 Oh, no, I-I wanted to take it someplace 308 00:13:29,243 --> 00:13:30,461 where I could, uh, really open her up. 309 00:13:30,505 --> 00:13:32,072 You know what I mean? [chuckles] 310 00:13:32,115 --> 00:13:34,683 Hey, hey, but, uh, while we're here, 311 00:13:34,726 --> 00:13:36,990 this is a great place to practice your driving. 312 00:13:37,033 --> 00:13:39,688 It's just a quick hop over hereto the driver's seat. 313 00:13:39,731 --> 00:13:41,646 Well, if there's one thing you should know about me, 314 00:13:41,690 --> 00:13:42,865 it's that I can't hop. 315 00:13:42,909 --> 00:13:44,998 -And certainly not quickly. -Uh-huh. 316 00:13:45,041 --> 00:13:46,651 Okay. Well, you know, I'm just,just throwing it out there. 317 00:13:46,695 --> 00:13:47,827 You know what I mean? 318 00:13:49,132 --> 00:13:50,438 [shouting] 319 00:13:50,481 --> 00:13:53,136 -H-- G-Grandpa? -I-- It's my chest. 320 00:13:53,180 --> 00:13:55,138 I think I'm having a heart attack. 321 00:13:55,182 --> 00:13:58,098 Uh, M-Marc was right. He said you could go at any minute. 322 00:13:58,141 --> 00:14:00,230 He said what? B-But that doesn't matter. 323 00:14:00,274 --> 00:14:01,710 You're gonna have to drive me to the hospital. 324 00:14:01,753 --> 00:14:03,451 -Wait, wait. -Come on. Come on. 325 00:14:03,494 --> 00:14:05,018 No, no, this isn't a heart attack. 326 00:14:05,061 --> 00:14:07,150 It's a pulmonary embolism. 327 00:14:07,194 --> 00:14:09,022 Forget the hospital. You'll be dead before we get there. 328 00:14:09,065 --> 00:14:10,545 What are you doing? 329 00:14:10,588 --> 00:14:13,113 I'm gonna pierce your thoraciccavity to relieve the pressure. 330 00:14:13,156 --> 00:14:15,158 -No, no, no. -Don't worry, I've done this to a hamster. 331 00:14:15,202 --> 00:14:18,118 -Wait a minute, you maniac! -Hey, what is going on? 332 00:14:18,161 --> 00:14:19,162 [screams] 333 00:14:19,206 --> 00:14:21,034 Your son is a nut. 334 00:14:21,077 --> 00:14:23,514 Grandpa's having a pulmonary embolism. 335 00:14:23,558 --> 00:14:25,125 I'm not having anything. 336 00:14:25,168 --> 00:14:27,127 I was faking it so that you'd drive. 337 00:14:27,170 --> 00:14:29,129 What? How could you do that? 338 00:14:29,172 --> 00:14:30,043 Me? You were just about 339 00:14:30,086 --> 00:14:32,306 to perform surgery on me with a pen. 340 00:14:32,349 --> 00:14:36,136 Doesn't anybody in this family own a pocket knife? 341 00:14:36,179 --> 00:14:37,267 I can't believe you. 342 00:14:37,311 --> 00:14:39,487 I told you if Brian was going to drive, 343 00:14:39,530 --> 00:14:41,141 I would be the one to teach him. 344 00:14:41,184 --> 00:14:43,578 With a video game, huh? That's not driving. 345 00:14:43,621 --> 00:14:45,580 You know, Springsteen's not singing about 346 00:14:45,623 --> 00:14:48,278 escaping Jersey in a Mario kart. 347 00:14:48,322 --> 00:14:51,499 He's my son, okay?So however I wanted to teach him 348 00:14:51,542 --> 00:14:53,196 should be up to me. 349 00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:54,589 But you've never let anything be up to me. 350 00:14:54,632 --> 00:14:56,547 You've never cared about what I want. 351 00:14:56,591 --> 00:14:57,984 What are you talking about? 352 00:14:58,027 --> 00:15:01,161 I-I'm talking about soccer. 353 00:15:01,204 --> 00:15:02,902 I could have been great. See? 354 00:15:06,035 --> 00:15:08,429 -You robbed the world of that. -[scoffs] 355 00:15:08,472 --> 00:15:10,518 Son, I was just trying to stop you 356 00:15:10,561 --> 00:15:13,173 from making what I thought were bad decisions. 357 00:15:13,216 --> 00:15:15,305 They were my bad decisions to make. 358 00:15:15,349 --> 00:15:17,090 And I'm not gonna steamroll my kids 359 00:15:17,133 --> 00:15:18,439 the same way you steamrolled me. 360 00:15:18,482 --> 00:15:20,441 Come on, Bri. You don't have to... 361 00:15:20,484 --> 00:15:23,835 -Uh-oh. He's gone. -So is his scooter. 362 00:15:23,879 --> 00:15:26,186 Hey, I'm impressed those coleslaw hands 363 00:15:26,229 --> 00:15:27,665 could lift it out of the van. 364 00:15:32,279 --> 00:15:34,237 Are you sure about these? 365 00:15:34,281 --> 00:15:36,936 I have scratches all over my body. 366 00:15:38,372 --> 00:15:41,549 Your skin just needs to build a good callus. 367 00:15:41,592 --> 00:15:45,248 Hey, Syl. Look what I got. 368 00:15:45,292 --> 00:15:49,687 They're vouchers forfree massages at the casino spa. 369 00:15:49,731 --> 00:15:51,689 We give them to high rollers and hotel guests 370 00:15:51,733 --> 00:15:55,215 who find cameras in their bathroom. 371 00:15:55,258 --> 00:15:57,478 I thought you, me and Nicole could all go together. 372 00:15:57,521 --> 00:16:00,698 Oh, Kay, that's so nice. 373 00:16:00,742 --> 00:16:03,788 But you know who you should save these for? Mike. 374 00:16:03,832 --> 00:16:06,226 He looks so tense. Is he working too hard? 375 00:16:06,269 --> 00:16:08,880 Oh, my God, I don't care. Mike isn't interesting. 376 00:16:08,924 --> 00:16:11,144 I mean, he is. 377 00:16:11,187 --> 00:16:15,365 He completes me, best friend, the one, but... 378 00:16:15,409 --> 00:16:20,240 why is every conversation justyou interrogating me about him? 379 00:16:20,283 --> 00:16:23,808 I don't do that. Does Mike think I do that? 380 00:16:23,852 --> 00:16:25,810 Ugh... 381 00:16:25,854 --> 00:16:28,161 -What? -You've been doing it for 20 years! 382 00:16:28,204 --> 00:16:31,816 I'm sorry, it's just, Mike tells me nothing. 383 00:16:31,860 --> 00:16:34,819 I'd have no idea what was going on in my son's life 384 00:16:34,863 --> 00:16:36,256 if you didn't tell me. 385 00:16:36,299 --> 00:16:38,910 Well, I get what that's like. 386 00:16:38,954 --> 00:16:41,391 I mean, I can't get Nicole to tell me anything, either. 387 00:16:41,435 --> 00:16:43,393 It's hard being a mom. 388 00:16:43,437 --> 00:16:45,830 You go from knowing everything about your babies, 389 00:16:45,874 --> 00:16:48,224 and then they grow up and you're just desperate 390 00:16:48,268 --> 00:16:50,618 for any scrap you can get. 391 00:16:50,661 --> 00:16:53,882 This morning, I called your friend Margee 392 00:16:53,925 --> 00:16:55,492 to find out who Kevin Slattery is. 393 00:16:55,536 --> 00:16:58,408 [chuckles]: Oh. 394 00:16:58,452 --> 00:17:00,845 She really is a hoot. 395 00:17:00,889 --> 00:17:02,630 That's nothing. 396 00:17:02,673 --> 00:17:07,287 Most of my medical procedures are unnecessary. 397 00:17:07,330 --> 00:17:10,203 I just do it so Mike has to call and ask how I'm doing. 398 00:17:10,246 --> 00:17:11,334 Even the hip? 399 00:17:11,378 --> 00:17:13,728 It was a 20-minute call. Totally worth it. 400 00:17:14,772 --> 00:17:17,949 See? This is the type of stuff 401 00:17:17,993 --> 00:17:20,735 we could have been talking about this whole time. 402 00:17:20,778 --> 00:17:25,348 And, look, I'm happy to talk about Mike, but sometimes... 403 00:17:25,392 --> 00:17:27,655 You just want to talk about Nicole? 404 00:17:27,698 --> 00:17:30,353 Oh, God, yes. Can we start now? 405 00:17:30,397 --> 00:17:31,876 Well, if we're gonna get into it, 406 00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:34,314 we're gonna need the Jersey Juice. 407 00:17:34,357 --> 00:17:36,794 -Ah... [laughs] -[clicks tongue] 408 00:17:36,838 --> 00:17:39,362 Yeah. Mmm. 409 00:17:39,406 --> 00:17:40,885 [grunts] 410 00:17:40,929 --> 00:17:42,887 Is that red wine or white? 411 00:17:42,931 --> 00:17:45,238 And a little vodka. 412 00:17:45,281 --> 00:17:48,371 He's got to be close. I mean, how far could he have gotten? 413 00:17:48,415 --> 00:17:51,200 If that thing runs on shame, hecould be in Connecticut by now. 414 00:17:52,506 --> 00:17:54,812 How'd you find us, anyway? 415 00:17:54,856 --> 00:17:57,119 That's where you taught me to drive. 416 00:17:57,163 --> 00:18:00,470 Huh. I'm surprised you remembered that. 417 00:18:00,514 --> 00:18:02,342 Hey, look, 418 00:18:02,385 --> 00:18:04,561 I-I shouldn't have taken Brian like that. 419 00:18:04,605 --> 00:18:06,737 -I-I was out of line. -Eh, it's fine. 420 00:18:06,781 --> 00:18:08,739 No, no. It's not fine. 421 00:18:08,783 --> 00:18:11,960 They're your kids, and you do a good job with them. 422 00:18:12,003 --> 00:18:13,744 Better than I ever could. 423 00:18:13,788 --> 00:18:15,398 And just for the record, 424 00:18:15,442 --> 00:18:18,140 I never meant to steamroll you into playing football. 425 00:18:18,184 --> 00:18:20,360 It's just that, how was I supposed to coach you 426 00:18:20,403 --> 00:18:22,840 in soccer if I didn't know anything about it? 427 00:18:23,885 --> 00:18:25,495 You think soccer's tough? 428 00:18:25,539 --> 00:18:27,410 My kids are into particle physics. 429 00:18:27,454 --> 00:18:30,283 And numbers that somehow also have letters in them. 430 00:18:30,326 --> 00:18:32,372 I guess you just try to do the best you can 431 00:18:32,415 --> 00:18:36,854 and then you-you hope for a couple of moments like this. 432 00:18:38,987 --> 00:18:41,946 Why is it so much easier to talk like this in a car? 433 00:18:41,990 --> 00:18:45,515 Car's a perfect spot for a father-son talk. 434 00:18:45,559 --> 00:18:47,300 You know, nobody can leave, 435 00:18:47,343 --> 00:18:48,823 you're staring ahead for the most part, 436 00:18:48,866 --> 00:18:51,391 so there's none of that weird eye contact. 437 00:18:51,434 --> 00:18:54,394 -And then-- then there's idiot drivers... -[horn honking] 438 00:18:54,437 --> 00:18:56,309 ...that are always a good conversation starter. 439 00:18:56,352 --> 00:18:58,746 Hey, look, look, some moron left his inflatable raft 440 00:18:58,789 --> 00:19:00,313 on the side of the road. 441 00:19:00,356 --> 00:19:02,402 You do realize that inflatable raft is your son? 442 00:19:02,445 --> 00:19:04,491 -I do now. Pulling over. -Yeah. 443 00:19:06,057 --> 00:19:08,147 [cheering over TV] 444 00:19:13,456 --> 00:19:14,588 Am I dead? 445 00:19:16,807 --> 00:19:18,331 No. And I'm glad. 446 00:19:18,374 --> 00:19:20,463 -I'd miss you. -Ah. 447 00:19:20,507 --> 00:19:23,640 But if you see any lights or tunnels, call me. 448 00:19:27,470 --> 00:19:30,212 Is that Jay Bennett watching soccer? 449 00:19:30,256 --> 00:19:32,867 That's right. It was your husband's idea. 450 00:19:32,910 --> 00:19:34,434 It's not half bad. You know, you can hardly tell 451 00:19:34,477 --> 00:19:37,480 most of these guys are European. 452 00:19:37,524 --> 00:19:39,569 MIKE: Oh, hey, Bri, listen. 453 00:19:39,613 --> 00:19:41,354 Sorry about the whole driving thing. 454 00:19:41,397 --> 00:19:43,356 I promise, you do not have to learn until you're ready. 455 00:19:43,399 --> 00:19:47,055 It's all right. I had a lot oftime to reflect after my crash, 456 00:19:47,098 --> 00:19:49,057 and I decided I'm ready to face my fears 457 00:19:49,100 --> 00:19:51,015 and embrace the open road. 458 00:19:51,059 --> 00:19:54,845 So I'm finally gonna learn how to ride a bicycle. 459 00:19:57,108 --> 00:20:00,938 If I don't comment on that, can I watch football? 460 00:20:04,986 --> 00:20:07,684 Oh, my God, Kay. Wait till you see Nicole. 461 00:20:07,728 --> 00:20:09,686 She looks like Jackie O. 462 00:20:09,730 --> 00:20:10,948 You know, before the whole thing. 463 00:20:10,992 --> 00:20:13,212 Nikki, come on in here. 464 00:20:19,566 --> 00:20:21,394 KAY: Wow. 465 00:20:21,437 --> 00:20:22,482 You look... 466 00:20:22,525 --> 00:20:24,484 You look like the women outside Mom's casino 467 00:20:24,527 --> 00:20:25,876 Dad pretends not to look at. 468 00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:29,097 Mom, can I talk to you for a second? 469 00:20:33,580 --> 00:20:34,668 I don't know what happened. 470 00:20:34,711 --> 00:20:36,452 It started with one nail appointment. 471 00:20:36,496 --> 00:20:38,324 Next thing I know, I'm lying facedown 472 00:20:38,367 --> 00:20:40,064 in the back of a hearse getting an airbrush spray tan 473 00:20:40,108 --> 00:20:41,936 from a woman named Lou. 474 00:20:41,979 --> 00:20:43,981 All right, you got a little carried away. 475 00:20:44,025 --> 00:20:46,070 This will all wash out. 476 00:20:46,114 --> 00:20:49,073 But I don't want it to wash out.That's what scares me. 477 00:20:49,117 --> 00:20:53,513 I don't know where Nicole ends and Nikki begins. 478 00:20:53,556 --> 00:20:54,514 Aw. 479 00:20:54,557 --> 00:20:58,866 Jersey trash is in your DNA. 480 00:20:58,909 --> 00:21:01,390 [New Jersey accent]: Hey! Watch the hair, Ma. 481 00:21:02,913 --> 00:21:05,699 [regular accent]: Why am I talking like that? 482 00:21:05,742 --> 00:21:07,788 Don't worry, we are gonna get you clean. 483 00:21:07,831 --> 00:21:09,311 First thing, spit out the gum. 484 00:21:09,355 --> 00:21:11,792 I'm chewing gum? 485 00:21:11,835 --> 00:21:14,447 To be safe, I'm going to keep Leila away from Grandma 486 00:21:14,490 --> 00:21:15,926 for the rest of the week. 487 00:21:15,970 --> 00:21:18,538 Where is Leila? 488 00:21:18,581 --> 00:21:20,453 Look what Brian made me. 489 00:21:20,496 --> 00:21:22,498 I'm invincible! 490 00:21:25,849 --> 00:21:27,851 If anyone's keeping score, she's my favorite. 491 00:21:34,075 --> 00:21:36,033 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org 492 00:21:39,472 --> 00:21:41,648 Jason Biggs and Maggie Lawson are Outmatched. 493 00:21:41,778 --> 00:21:43,737 See all-new episodes Thursdays on Fox.