1 00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:29,400 Good evening. It's nice to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And 2 00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:32,680 in a packed programme tonight, we shall find out what it's like to act as a 3 00:00:32,680 --> 00:00:36,680 stand -in for Raquel Welch in a special interview with Jule Brunner and Telly 4 00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:37,680 Savalas. 5 00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:45,560 Then we'll hear the band of the royal cross -eyed goons who play the dance of 6 00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:49,740 the sugarplum sailor, followed by what shall we do with the drunken fairy. 7 00:00:52,300 --> 00:00:55,780 And we'll even be talking to a man who crossed a food mixer with a nymphomaniac 8 00:00:55,780 --> 00:00:58,020 with a lisp and got a girl who'll whisk anything. 9 00:01:02,260 --> 00:01:06,200 But first, first the news. 10 00:01:06,820 --> 00:01:12,260 Uganda. At the state dinner to welcome the German delegation today, General 11 00:01:12,260 --> 00:01:17,040 Armin ate a hamburger, two frankfurters and three young men from Heidelberg. 12 00:01:19,240 --> 00:01:22,620 The government have at last announced their plans for shortening the dole 13 00:01:22,620 --> 00:01:25,000 queues. They're asking the men to stand closer together. 14 00:01:27,300 --> 00:01:32,280 Despite the strike of car delivery drivers at British Leyland, the 15 00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:36,820 car rolled off the assembly lines at four o 'clock today and fell onto a heap 16 00:01:36,820 --> 00:01:38,160 999 other cars. 17 00:01:42,340 --> 00:01:43,800 Go on, clap if you want to. 18 00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:56,160 In the surgical ward of a London hospital today, a man complained that he 19 00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:59,560 given the kidney of a giraffe and the liver of a female baboon. 20 00:01:59,980 --> 00:02:01,860 And for afters, he had prunes and custard. 21 00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:13,520 The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a life 22 00:02:13,520 --> 00:02:16,620 peerage. He'll be known as Lord of the Flies. 23 00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:21,800 And now... And now a sketch. 24 00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:27,260 about two workers in a ball -bearing factory in which I play a man who loses 25 00:02:27,260 --> 00:02:28,000 bearings... 26 00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:36,860 and 27 00:02:36,860 --> 00:02:40,580 I play a man... who 28 00:02:40,580 --> 00:02:44,520 loses his temper. 29 00:02:58,370 --> 00:02:59,490 Yes. Well, 30 00:03:03,090 --> 00:03:04,170 we'd like a meal, please. 31 00:03:05,970 --> 00:03:06,970 Two, is it? 32 00:03:08,250 --> 00:03:09,390 Yes, yes. 33 00:03:09,990 --> 00:03:10,990 Have you booked? 34 00:03:41,740 --> 00:03:43,780 Could we have a look at the menu, please? 35 00:03:49,500 --> 00:03:50,700 I'm a bleeding man, you know. 36 00:03:53,260 --> 00:03:54,320 Nice fork. 37 00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:56,120 Oh, look. 38 00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:57,960 The menu's shaped like a rook. 39 00:03:58,760 --> 00:03:59,960 It's the name of the restaurant, isn't it? 40 00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:01,200 Complete Rook. 41 00:04:04,140 --> 00:04:07,720 Now, it's written sort of all different, isn't it? I don't know. 42 00:04:08,220 --> 00:04:09,220 Sorry, 43 00:04:09,500 --> 00:04:10,500 I'm talking to my friend. 44 00:04:12,590 --> 00:04:13,590 Now, look. 45 00:04:15,050 --> 00:04:16,310 There's rook patty here. 46 00:04:17,490 --> 00:04:19,670 Rook patty. Do you recommend the rook patty? 47 00:04:20,230 --> 00:04:21,709 Only when we've got a lot we want to get rid of. 48 00:04:25,490 --> 00:04:26,710 Well, it's honest, at least. 49 00:04:28,090 --> 00:04:29,170 What about soup of the day? 50 00:04:29,690 --> 00:04:31,330 What is the soup of the day? Rook soup. 51 00:04:34,330 --> 00:04:37,270 I expect it. I expect it's nicer than it sounds. 52 00:04:38,330 --> 00:04:39,330 Bleeding, isn't it? 53 00:04:42,670 --> 00:04:43,670 It sounds. 54 00:04:44,910 --> 00:04:48,370 Have you ever had camel's liver marinated in rain for five days and then 55 00:04:48,370 --> 00:04:50,350 strained to a balaclava helmet by a pregnant yak? 56 00:04:52,110 --> 00:04:54,030 Yes, I think we had that in Morocco, didn't we? 57 00:04:54,570 --> 00:04:57,710 Surely not, darling. I'm not being serious. We didn't have it in Morocco. 58 00:04:57,930 --> 00:04:58,990 It was Tunis, wasn't it? 59 00:05:00,210 --> 00:05:03,770 No, no. No, tell me, why do you ask? Well, a rook suit's worse than that. 60 00:05:04,910 --> 00:05:06,850 Why did you recommend it? Well, it's going off. 61 00:05:08,290 --> 00:05:09,630 Beating freezes on the blink again. 62 00:05:11,330 --> 00:05:16,610 Look. I think the best idea is going to be to choose the main course, you know, 63 00:05:16,630 --> 00:05:19,170 and then sort of build round it. Yes, good idea. 64 00:05:19,550 --> 00:05:20,970 You know, then you know where you are. 65 00:05:21,330 --> 00:05:23,290 Because you find that, um... 66 00:05:23,290 --> 00:05:35,850 There's, 67 00:05:35,850 --> 00:05:41,470 um... You see, there's, um... There's roast root. 68 00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:42,760 Braised Rook. 69 00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:43,960 Skinned Rook. 70 00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:45,900 Stuffed Rook. What is this? 71 00:05:46,540 --> 00:05:48,880 Drakonai Buiyara Moja Toulouse. Ford Rook. 72 00:05:54,060 --> 00:05:57,300 Doesn't seem to be the sort of restaurant to come to if you don't like 73 00:05:58,820 --> 00:06:00,880 Not the sort of restaurant to come to if you do like Rook. 74 00:06:03,220 --> 00:06:04,220 Why is that? 75 00:06:04,300 --> 00:06:06,220 We serve bloody awful tough old Rooks, that's why. 76 00:06:06,980 --> 00:06:09,000 Full of lead shot, break your teeth on them terribly. 77 00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:13,100 the chef has a magic touch with them. 78 00:06:13,340 --> 00:06:15,140 Magic touch? Magic touch? What, a chef? 79 00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:16,360 Don't make me laugh. 80 00:06:16,660 --> 00:06:19,800 Too much of that. He's riffraff, he is. Too much of that. Too much of that. 81 00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:21,040 Rubbish. 82 00:06:21,180 --> 00:06:23,100 I'm the only bloke that keeps the tone displays up. 83 00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:32,660 Tell me, what is this? This fascinates me. Que de cornai nantua? 84 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:35,200 That's two rooks' tails stuffed in a shrimp sauce. 85 00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:39,620 You must admit you haven't got a very varied menu. 86 00:06:40,410 --> 00:06:41,670 Nothing to crow over. 87 00:06:46,930 --> 00:06:50,230 I'm awfully sorry, but I read in the Reader's Diary, there's an article on 88 00:06:50,230 --> 00:06:52,230 to relieve tense situations with humour. 89 00:06:52,610 --> 00:06:53,750 Why don't you try it? 90 00:06:55,270 --> 00:06:56,610 You're going to make your own minds up, aren't you? 91 00:06:56,890 --> 00:06:58,290 I've got a lot of people waiting to serve you. 92 00:06:58,690 --> 00:07:03,690 Why don't we start with the sweet and work backwards? That's better, I think. 93 00:07:03,750 --> 00:07:06,210 Now, look, we've got ice cream there and ice cream there. Tell me, what kind of 94 00:07:06,210 --> 00:07:07,189 ice cream is this? 95 00:07:07,190 --> 00:07:08,190 Rup and raspberry ripple. 96 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:17,260 I'm going to, I'm going to plump myself for the Rook cocktail, followed by roast 97 00:07:17,260 --> 00:07:19,280 Rook with the Rook meringue. 98 00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:21,560 So will I. Without reading time at all. 99 00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:29,160 We could just walk out. Oh, I don't like doing that. It's a complete Rook. Well, 100 00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:32,420 the name of the restaurant told us that. We can't sue them under the trade 101 00:07:32,420 --> 00:07:34,520 description act. I mean, it's, we can't. 102 00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:35,920 Sorry, Rook's off. 103 00:07:38,460 --> 00:07:39,580 What? Rook's off. 104 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:42,620 Oh, right, we'll go somewhere else. Thank you very much for all the trouble. 105 00:07:42,740 --> 00:07:45,600 We've already popped another little Chinese down the river. We've got a bit 106 00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:50,840 stewed tortoise left, if you want to... Stewed tortoise? Well, why didn't you 107 00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:54,280 say? We'll have stewed tortoise for two, lovely. 108 00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:55,960 Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum! 109 00:07:56,220 --> 00:07:57,220 Two dinners. 110 00:08:12,940 --> 00:08:15,960 Good evening, hello, Scotch way, and up your haggis. 111 00:08:16,820 --> 00:08:18,280 I'm Scottish, by the way. 112 00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:23,020 My name is Wee Willie McGobbles of the Clan McGobbles. 113 00:08:23,540 --> 00:08:28,220 My grandfather was the McGobbles of McGobbles, especially after the 114 00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:35,900 Now, I am the president of the Institute of Scottish Tourism, or PIST. 115 00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:44,700 get to Bonny, Scotland? 116 00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:48,360 Well, let's just take a wee look at the map here. 117 00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:50,360 There you are, you see. 118 00:08:50,700 --> 00:08:55,500 First is the old -fashioned scenic route over the braes of Altnysporran by way 119 00:08:55,500 --> 00:08:59,780 of the quilter's kilt, the cows' boots, the piles of coot and the quarts of 120 00:08:59,780 --> 00:09:00,780 milk. 121 00:09:01,420 --> 00:09:07,280 The inner sculty, where old Angus MacFongus can be found, clashing his 122 00:09:07,460 --> 00:09:09,720 tossing his caper and cocking his leekie. 123 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:16,820 at the Elephant and Haggis Inn with Inverness Leal and others of that ilk. 124 00:09:17,300 --> 00:09:21,140 He will row your cross in his Gaelic skiff for the price of a packet of 125 00:09:21,140 --> 00:09:23,540 cigarettes, £5 .73p. 126 00:09:25,010 --> 00:09:27,230 Smokes balkan sobrani and buys them by the gross. 127 00:09:27,970 --> 00:09:32,210 You'll be wanting to take the road to the isles. Now you go up by Bannockburn, 128 00:09:32,470 --> 00:09:38,090 where in 1314 the patriot Robert the Bruce and his gallant clans routed the 129 00:09:38,090 --> 00:09:41,830 treacherous, lecherous English rabble who were sent to pillage our native 130 00:09:41,830 --> 00:09:44,730 homelands, the illiterate, drunken, murderous thugs. 131 00:09:46,690 --> 00:09:48,830 You sure have a warm welcome there. 132 00:09:53,310 --> 00:09:56,750 You're going to visit the Bannockburn? burn in, where you can stand with your 133 00:09:56,750 --> 00:09:58,590 back to the fire and get your bannocks burned. 134 00:10:00,930 --> 00:10:05,590 You drive on past the modern fields of Flodden to the sodden field of Culloden. 135 00:10:06,190 --> 00:10:08,530 You'll find a souvenir shop you can buy Dr. 136 00:10:08,730 --> 00:10:13,430 Hamish Kinley's book of Scottish portraits, known as Dr. Kinley's 137 00:10:14,410 --> 00:10:18,270 There's the great Scottish chef Macaroni, who invented McTurtle soup. 138 00:10:18,530 --> 00:10:20,470 There's the Celtic murderer Jock the Ripper. 139 00:10:20,880 --> 00:10:22,560 And the famous fisherman Jock the Kipper. 140 00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:26,480 And the smallest Scotsman that ever lived, Jock the Nipper. 141 00:10:27,100 --> 00:10:29,620 Also the inventor of dentistry, Phil McCavity. 142 00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:36,420 And that enigmatic lady from Dumfries, the Mona MacLisa. 143 00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:43,720 Now, on the road to the Isles, if you drive round this 40 -mile -long stag's 144 00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:44,740 block in the road here... 145 00:10:45,150 --> 00:10:49,210 You can visit the birthplace of lovely Flora MacDonald, the flower of the 146 00:10:49,210 --> 00:10:53,430 Hebrides, and the even lovelier Flora MacDougall, the self -raising flower. 147 00:10:55,550 --> 00:10:58,610 So if you're looking for a tartan trousers, she's one. 148 00:11:04,210 --> 00:11:08,330 I must warn you that once in a while, you will meet hostility from the 149 00:11:08,330 --> 00:11:11,110 natives. Just because you're English blackheads. 150 00:11:11,550 --> 00:11:14,850 Over seven centuries of care, nothing but Scotland has now plundered our 151 00:11:14,850 --> 00:11:18,490 Scottish oil, leaving us moggish as a kilt guard around the English. 152 00:11:18,790 --> 00:11:21,710 May they fester with boils in the nethermost regions of hell. 153 00:11:22,610 --> 00:11:26,030 You'll never see Scotland in the World Cup after the bloody Sassanacs didn't 154 00:11:26,030 --> 00:11:27,030 even reach the last 60. 155 00:11:31,670 --> 00:11:35,830 Occasionally, when you ask for a wee dram of whisky, you may get given a 156 00:11:35,830 --> 00:11:40,210 of Rory MacDonald's Revenge, which is one part of rancid haggis. 157 00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:45,500 One part of distilled ptarmigan, which begins with a P, and you'd be advised to 158 00:11:45,500 --> 00:11:46,500 do the same. 159 00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:54,780 Finally, one part of stagnant bog water, strained in the tross box, which is 160 00:11:54,780 --> 00:11:55,780 sorely painful. 161 00:11:56,160 --> 00:11:59,700 And you may be asked to drink the health of the great Piper McGroon, who was 162 00:11:59,700 --> 00:12:02,260 immortalised by the Jewish poet, Rabbi Burns. 163 00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:06,400 Oh, shlick it to Piper McGroon. 164 00:12:07,180 --> 00:12:08,180 We're here for the... 165 00:12:10,380 --> 00:12:13,440 the scar of his pipe and the swell of his kilt, and the smell of his breath 166 00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:14,440 knocks you down. 167 00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:18,360 Well, that's Scotland for the new, the new, the new, the new. 168 00:12:18,780 --> 00:12:20,060 And that is the end of the news. 169 00:12:20,980 --> 00:12:24,940 Next week, my colleague, Evan Up, Seven Up Jenkins of Wales, will tell you how 170 00:12:24,940 --> 00:12:29,880 the filthy English in Venus plundered and ravished this fair native sod, took 171 00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:34,060 the women from his homestead, the cattle from his farmstead, and the knobs off 172 00:12:34,060 --> 00:12:35,060 his bedstead. 173 00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:37,420 The filthy Saturdays, yeah. 174 00:12:56,880 --> 00:13:03,640 What are you doing the rest of 175 00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:05,320 your life? 176 00:13:08,560 --> 00:13:13,880 North and south and east and west of your life. 177 00:13:36,680 --> 00:13:42,820 All the seasons and the times of your days 178 00:13:42,820 --> 00:13:47,980 All the nickels and the 179 00:13:47,980 --> 00:13:52,220 dimes of your days 180 00:15:24,750 --> 00:15:25,750 Take a kiss. 181 00:16:52,650 --> 00:16:57,470 The sordid affair of the clumsy drug which had led our two ill -fated 182 00:16:57,470 --> 00:16:59,830 to Marseilles was drawing to a close. 183 00:17:00,390 --> 00:17:07,349 The villains, one dead and one half -dead, were no 184 00:17:07,349 --> 00:17:08,349 longer a problem. 185 00:17:08,710 --> 00:17:13,170 All that remained now was to get hold of the formula. A difficult, dangerous, 186 00:17:13,329 --> 00:17:18,050 but not unpleasant task, bearing in mind that it was written on a pair of 187 00:17:18,050 --> 00:17:20,510 panties worn by the woman in the car ahead of them. 188 00:17:22,890 --> 00:17:25,810 Piggy was already bearing it in mind as they gave chase. 189 00:21:12,910 --> 00:21:14,610 What do you mean, you got her? I got her. 190 00:21:15,170 --> 00:21:16,170 Look, here they are. 191 00:21:16,990 --> 00:21:17,990 There's the formula. 192 00:21:19,350 --> 00:21:25,810 Then who... I'm terribly sorry, miss. 193 00:21:26,530 --> 00:21:28,970 You see, I was looking for the formula. 194 00:21:29,210 --> 00:21:30,189 Oh, la, la. 195 00:21:30,190 --> 00:21:33,510 I haven't fought like that since the office party. 196 00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:54,820 His face kicked in. Where is she now then, locked in? 197 00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:56,640 No need. 198 00:21:57,460 --> 00:21:58,460 Poor kid. 199 00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:00,400 She never stood a chance. 200 00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:02,800 Why, what happened? 201 00:22:03,220 --> 00:22:04,760 She hit me with a pillow and it burst. 202 00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:07,000 The whole room was filled with feathers. 203 00:22:07,700 --> 00:22:09,020 Feathers floating about everywhere. 204 00:22:09,560 --> 00:22:10,560 What do you mean? 205 00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:14,040 She was tickled to death. 206 00:22:22,990 --> 00:22:27,610 behind them the sleepless nightmare of the past few days, our heroes returned 207 00:22:27,610 --> 00:22:33,130 London where a new chief of MI6, accompanied by the ever -faithful Miss 208 00:22:33,230 --> 00:22:34,770 waited to greet them. 209 00:22:35,450 --> 00:22:36,530 They're back, sir. 210 00:22:36,790 --> 00:22:37,850 I'll show them in. 211 00:22:43,190 --> 00:22:45,050 Oh, how do you do? P .G. Malone. 212 00:22:45,570 --> 00:22:46,570 Charles Farley. 213 00:22:46,730 --> 00:22:48,070 Ah. Hmm? 214 00:22:48,570 --> 00:22:49,449 I'm R. 215 00:22:49,450 --> 00:22:50,810 Oh? Where's Q? 216 00:22:52,430 --> 00:22:53,229 We've gone sick. 217 00:22:53,230 --> 00:22:54,230 We've gone daft. 218 00:22:54,610 --> 00:22:56,050 Anyone would go daft in this job. 219 00:22:56,530 --> 00:23:00,150 Don't worry. Don't worry. Your worries are over. We have found the formula. 220 00:23:00,790 --> 00:23:02,630 What formula? The clumsy drug. Look. 221 00:23:02,910 --> 00:23:04,230 Oh, to hell with that. 222 00:23:04,550 --> 00:23:06,370 He's out of date, old boy. 223 00:23:06,890 --> 00:23:08,210 This is a new menace now. 224 00:23:08,590 --> 00:23:10,910 I don't know where it's going to end. It's sweeping through the country. 225 00:23:10,910 --> 00:23:13,970 politicians, TV personalities, anyone in the public eye. 226 00:23:14,430 --> 00:23:15,830 I've been looking at these recordings. 227 00:23:16,310 --> 00:23:18,750 Well, what's happened to all these people then? Look. 228 00:23:21,390 --> 00:23:22,390 They're ahead of us. 229 00:23:23,370 --> 00:23:26,430 final at Wembley next week, followed by the Rugby League Cup final the following 230 00:23:26,430 --> 00:23:29,770 Saturday, and then a whole week of soccer with the International Football 231 00:23:29,770 --> 00:23:33,010 Championship. That's it. Just before I go, by the way, one late football result 232 00:23:33,010 --> 00:23:35,930 from Scotland, a 3 -5 -5 4 -4 -4. 233 00:23:36,150 --> 00:23:37,450 That's it. More than enough. Goodbye. 234 00:23:37,990 --> 00:23:39,470 The same on BBC 2, too. 235 00:23:41,570 --> 00:23:43,350 ...and in some cases, loops. 236 00:23:43,810 --> 00:23:49,350 For instance, the French Marigold will go from seed, and the seed's only in 237 00:23:49,350 --> 00:23:51,510 March, otherwise, we get nowhere. 238 00:23:52,140 --> 00:23:58,720 And the seedlings are flipped into boxes, gradually hardened off, and then 239 00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:02,820 planted at the end of May, early June, when the fear of frost has gone. 240 00:24:03,220 --> 00:24:06,500 Do you think they're all becoming invisible? As soon as they appear on TV, 241 00:24:07,060 --> 00:24:10,240 Wilson's gone, Callaghan's gone, Thorpe's gone. 242 00:24:10,780 --> 00:24:13,440 Well, who's Prime Minister at the moment, then? Michael Parkinson. 243 00:24:16,260 --> 00:24:20,000 Shaw Taylor disappeared a moment ago on Police 5. There's no trace of him. 244 00:24:20,420 --> 00:24:21,420 Perhaps he was stolen. 245 00:24:24,780 --> 00:24:26,420 Someone's putting something in the tea. 246 00:24:27,160 --> 00:24:31,060 What? Everybody drinks tea when they go to a television studio, don't they? It's 247 00:24:31,060 --> 00:24:32,060 the TV tea. 248 00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:34,680 Someone's putting something in the television tea. 249 00:24:35,120 --> 00:24:36,220 It's possible, I suppose. 250 00:24:38,140 --> 00:24:39,160 What do you think, Joey? 251 00:24:40,340 --> 00:24:41,400 It's the only answer. 252 00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:43,480 Of course it is, but I mean, why? 253 00:24:44,060 --> 00:24:45,060 What's the point? 254 00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:50,680 I don't know. 255 00:24:54,360 --> 00:24:57,320 Foolish, I suppose. Like the clumsy drug. How can you look foolish if you're 256 00:24:57,320 --> 00:24:58,320 invisible? 257 00:24:58,460 --> 00:24:59,259 That's the point. 258 00:24:59,260 --> 00:25:00,260 It's got you there, Chief. 259 00:25:00,580 --> 00:25:02,180 Well, feel foolish, then. 260 00:25:02,460 --> 00:25:03,460 I grant you that. 261 00:25:03,940 --> 00:25:05,060 Well, what do you want us to do then? 262 00:25:05,260 --> 00:25:06,400 Well, start it once. Get out and about. 263 00:25:06,620 --> 00:25:08,060 See if you can find a few new contacts. 264 00:25:08,820 --> 00:25:09,820 Right. 265 00:25:13,120 --> 00:25:15,340 Well, here we go again. 266 00:27:51,310 --> 00:27:52,770 Greetings to my birthday boy. 267 00:27:53,530 --> 00:27:54,770 You're 46 today. 268 00:27:57,930 --> 00:28:00,530 Come in, come in. Ah, Arthur Jones. 269 00:28:00,770 --> 00:28:04,590 Good morning. How are you? Sit down, sit down and hurry up. I've lots of work to 270 00:28:04,590 --> 00:28:08,290 do. I'm sorry to disturb you, George. That's quite all right, old lad. 271 00:28:08,530 --> 00:28:11,610 Now, now, come, come. Don't look so glum. I'm sure it's not that bad. 272 00:28:12,670 --> 00:28:16,390 It's just that I've been thinking, and I've just come into state, we shouldn't 273 00:28:16,390 --> 00:28:19,830 go on using rhymes on cards. It's out of date. 274 00:28:20,090 --> 00:28:24,130 What? Not use rhymes on birthday cards? Come, have you lost your mind? 275 00:28:24,410 --> 00:28:28,010 Now, please don't waste my time, lad. You can see Miss Green's behind. 276 00:28:30,050 --> 00:28:34,470 You see, you even speak in verse. It could destroy your health. This thing 277 00:28:34,470 --> 00:28:36,530 gone from bad to worse. I'm doing it myself. 278 00:28:39,010 --> 00:28:43,130 I say, now, now, there's no need to exaggerate, old chap. 279 00:28:43,350 --> 00:28:46,650 I do not always speak in rhyme. That's just a load of rubbish. 280 00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:51,900 without a rhyme. 281 00:28:52,180 --> 00:28:54,060 No, no, out of the question. 282 00:28:54,380 --> 00:28:56,680 Oh, well, I thought I'd mention it. It was only a suggestion. 283 00:28:56,940 --> 00:29:01,000 And very welcome to, I'm sure. It's always nice to know that lads are 284 00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:03,100 on the job. Ta -ta, mind how you go. 285 00:29:04,120 --> 00:29:07,060 Well, strike a light of all the nerve. 286 00:29:07,320 --> 00:29:08,460 I think it's a disgrace. 287 00:29:09,040 --> 00:29:12,340 I know I'm new round here, but still I'd put him in his place. 288 00:29:13,040 --> 00:29:17,360 Tell him to take a running jump, obnoxious little worm. Now, you be 289 00:29:17,360 --> 00:29:18,680 you say. He owns the bleeding firm. 290 00:29:28,300 --> 00:29:32,420 The old chair's a bit lumpy tonight. 291 00:29:33,500 --> 00:29:36,100 I wish the producer wouldn't stand on it to clean the windows. 292 00:29:38,120 --> 00:29:43,660 Now, I suppose you're thinking, why is a BBC television producer... producer? 293 00:29:45,400 --> 00:29:46,760 Why is he called a producer? 294 00:29:47,040 --> 00:29:53,700 Well, he isn't usually, but why is a BBC television producer standing on a chair 295 00:29:53,700 --> 00:29:56,120 cleaning windows? Well, the answer is quite simple. 296 00:29:56,600 --> 00:29:57,800 They won't buy him a ladder. 297 00:29:58,920 --> 00:30:04,380 You see, it's all part of this ridiculous economy drive. And it is 298 00:30:04,560 --> 00:30:11,100 When you think that at 5 .45 tonight, there nearly wasn't any BBC news because 299 00:30:11,100 --> 00:30:13,100 Richard Baker couldn't borrow a Daily Mirror. 300 00:30:16,960 --> 00:30:22,260 And that the canteen wasn't open today because, as an experiment, it is now 301 00:30:22,260 --> 00:30:23,720 being run by the religious department. 302 00:30:25,450 --> 00:30:27,510 And there was a hold -up with the loaves and fishes. 303 00:30:30,650 --> 00:30:35,250 They really are cutting back round here. For instance, the head of the BBC. 304 00:30:35,550 --> 00:30:39,770 Now, the head of the BBC. Now, the company have always supplied him with 305 00:30:39,770 --> 00:30:44,330 very latest in luxury motor cars, you know. Really prestige vehicles, you 306 00:30:44,330 --> 00:30:49,790 sort of thing. See -through windscreen and... ..revolving wheels. 307 00:30:51,170 --> 00:30:52,850 Power -assisted ashtrays. 308 00:30:53,190 --> 00:30:54,270 Peace -proof radiator. 309 00:30:55,419 --> 00:30:56,419 Reclining hubcaps. 310 00:30:56,820 --> 00:30:58,880 And do you know what he's got now? 311 00:30:59,780 --> 00:31:00,780 A hoop. 312 00:31:04,500 --> 00:31:06,140 It's a bit hard to believe, isn't it? 313 00:31:06,980 --> 00:31:07,980 Do your best. 314 00:31:09,440 --> 00:31:14,380 I actually think the shock of it all has been so much for him. Well, last night 315 00:31:14,380 --> 00:31:18,960 I was leaving, and there he was, standing in the car park, crying his 316 00:31:20,120 --> 00:31:23,780 I asked him, I said, what's the matter? He said, he said, some... 317 00:31:24,220 --> 00:31:31,020 He said, then somebody's pinched my 318 00:31:31,020 --> 00:31:32,020 hoop. 319 00:31:33,860 --> 00:31:35,420 I said, well, don't worry. 320 00:31:36,220 --> 00:31:39,500 Don't worry. I expect the police will find it in the morning. He said, yes, 321 00:31:39,500 --> 00:31:42,580 that's all right, but how am I going to get home tonight? 322 00:31:44,100 --> 00:31:47,880 Anyway, that needn't... I overdid that. I'm sorry. 323 00:31:48,320 --> 00:31:50,240 Anyway, that needn't worry you. 324 00:31:50,760 --> 00:31:52,520 It worries us, but it needn't worry you. 325 00:31:53,480 --> 00:31:57,760 Here is a very funny story about two ladies who haven't seen each other for 326 00:31:57,760 --> 00:32:00,160 years. And they happen to meet, you know, in the supermarket. 327 00:32:00,680 --> 00:32:03,200 And one says to the other, how have things been with you? And the other one 328 00:32:03,200 --> 00:32:04,200 says, couldn't be better. 329 00:32:04,440 --> 00:32:08,480 Couldn't be better. I married a very rich man, she said, who thinks the world 330 00:32:08,480 --> 00:32:12,380 me. She said, why, only last week he bought me a magnificent ring. 331 00:32:12,800 --> 00:32:13,880 Enormous diamond, you know. 332 00:32:14,140 --> 00:32:15,820 The star of gold is green, it's called. 333 00:32:17,660 --> 00:32:18,660 By the way... 334 00:32:18,750 --> 00:32:21,730 By the way, I think you'll like this joke because it is a rich joke, you 335 00:32:21,870 --> 00:32:26,330 It's got a diamond ring, a yacht, and a holiday in Bermuda. 336 00:32:27,170 --> 00:32:30,390 In fact, it only needs two birds and a buzzer and it could be the sale of the 337 00:32:30,390 --> 00:32:31,390 century. 338 00:32:34,350 --> 00:32:38,250 To be honest, I think, you know, when times are hard, you know, times are a 339 00:32:38,250 --> 00:32:41,210 hard, people don't want to hear about poverty, do they? I mean, be honest. 340 00:32:41,470 --> 00:32:45,490 Actually, I was going to tell you a story which began, there were these two 341 00:32:45,490 --> 00:32:46,459 and outs. 342 00:32:46,460 --> 00:32:49,360 And I thought, well, you know, most of the audience here tonight could take it 343 00:32:49,360 --> 00:32:50,360 personally. 344 00:32:52,920 --> 00:32:53,920 I'm only joking. 345 00:32:54,680 --> 00:32:55,680 Sit down. 346 00:32:57,020 --> 00:32:58,020 And eat the soup. 347 00:33:04,180 --> 00:33:08,440 We're all having to make economies these days. I mean, yesterday I had to cancel 348 00:33:08,440 --> 00:33:12,360 my wife's weekly visit to the beauty parlour, which is rather a pity because 349 00:33:12,360 --> 00:33:14,180 she's been going there for the last six years. 350 00:33:14,750 --> 00:33:16,890 and they've just started letting her leave by the front door. 351 00:33:20,590 --> 00:33:27,310 I have never made any secret of the fact that I have known some very hard times, 352 00:33:27,470 --> 00:33:30,490 ever since I was a child, when I was found on a doorstep. 353 00:33:30,850 --> 00:33:33,670 Not really on a doorstep, because the door opened outwards. 354 00:33:37,310 --> 00:33:39,230 I was found halfway across the road. 355 00:33:41,070 --> 00:33:44,810 And pinned to my little coat was a note saying, keep your head down, the door 356 00:33:44,810 --> 00:33:45,810 opens outwards. 357 00:33:49,490 --> 00:33:50,490 Signed, Mummy. 358 00:33:51,570 --> 00:33:53,170 It's a bit pathetic, isn't it, really? 359 00:33:53,490 --> 00:33:58,190 You come to think of it, so is this joke. But I'm going to tell, anyway, I'm 360 00:33:58,190 --> 00:33:59,770 going to tell it anyway. Where was I up to, by the way? 361 00:33:59,990 --> 00:34:01,070 Oh, yes, that's right, I know. 362 00:34:01,630 --> 00:34:06,730 One of the two ladies, one of the two ladies said, she said, my husband, she 363 00:34:06,730 --> 00:34:10,250 said, bought me a wonderful diamond ring. That's where I got up to. 364 00:34:10,750 --> 00:34:11,870 You know, the star of Goldersby. 365 00:34:14,469 --> 00:34:16,610 He didn't laugh at it then. Why should he laugh at it now? 366 00:34:18,250 --> 00:34:19,250 Give you a second chance. 367 00:34:19,510 --> 00:34:22,870 He said, I bought a wonderful diamond ring, she said. And the other lady said, 368 00:34:22,949 --> 00:34:23,949 that's nice. 369 00:34:24,210 --> 00:34:28,630 And he said, and for my birthday, he bought me two priceless paintings by 370 00:34:28,630 --> 00:34:30,070 Menuhin and Pablo Casals. 371 00:34:31,949 --> 00:34:34,969 Oh, that's nice, the lady said. She said, I didn't know there were painters. 372 00:34:35,290 --> 00:34:37,210 The other lady said, for our money, they paint. 373 00:34:39,469 --> 00:34:40,469 Oh, that's... 374 00:34:41,310 --> 00:34:45,929 Oh, that's nice, she said. And for our anniversary, bought me my own private 375 00:34:45,929 --> 00:34:48,810 yacht. And the other lady said, oh, that's nice. 376 00:34:49,330 --> 00:34:52,449 Then she said, my husband's very good to me, too, you know. She said, he 377 00:34:52,449 --> 00:34:55,550 recently paid for me to do a wonderful course at a charm school. 378 00:34:55,870 --> 00:34:59,490 So the first one said, and is it very beneficial to you? Have you benefited? 379 00:34:59,490 --> 00:35:00,790 said, oh, yes, she said. Definitely. 380 00:35:01,070 --> 00:35:05,970 So, for instance, I now learn to say, oh, that's nice, instead of, oh, you 381 00:35:05,970 --> 00:35:06,970 bloody liar. 382 00:35:24,360 --> 00:35:27,500 Well, Eshu O 'Hara is a gal who lives next door. 383 00:35:27,720 --> 00:35:31,380 I've known her since times I was six and she was only four. 384 00:35:31,740 --> 00:35:36,900 And now that we have both grown up, it's very plain to see. No matter how hard 385 00:35:36,900 --> 00:35:39,440 she tries to grow, she's still two years younger than me. 386 00:35:42,580 --> 00:35:48,240 When we was little scrubbing kids out playing in my backyard, we didn't have 387 00:35:48,240 --> 00:35:50,620 TV set because time was awful hard. 388 00:35:51,070 --> 00:35:54,650 But when she tried to ask me around, her backyard is filled. 389 00:35:54,870 --> 00:35:58,670 So we could play together, this is what I always said. 390 00:36:03,290 --> 00:36:07,190 Don't come around here asking me out. I ain't coming out just to muck about. 391 00:36:07,410 --> 00:36:10,510 You have to muck about in your own mind, dear, because I'm going to muck about 392 00:36:10,510 --> 00:36:14,570 here. Trundling a truck about, waddling a duck about, I'm going to muck about 393 00:36:14,570 --> 00:36:15,570 here. 394 00:36:19,500 --> 00:36:22,800 Then 10 or 12 years later on, she grew up overnight. 395 00:36:23,120 --> 00:36:27,100 Her legs got long and slender and her blouse got awful tight. 396 00:36:27,420 --> 00:36:32,820 But when I asked her if she'd like to visit me next door, she only answered, 397 00:36:32,860 --> 00:36:35,060 you're too late because now I know what for. 398 00:36:39,520 --> 00:36:44,160 Oh, come around here asking me out. I ain't going out just to muck about. You 399 00:36:44,160 --> 00:36:47,420 have to muck about here, oh my dear, because I'm going to muck about here. 400 00:37:02,730 --> 00:37:05,850 Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Will you please welcome our 401 00:37:05,850 --> 00:37:07,510 friends, the two prizes. 402 00:39:36,460 --> 00:39:39,300 You got your high shoes, you feel fine. 403 00:39:39,520 --> 00:39:45,720 And don't you let me out. Don't you let me in. Don't you let me out. 404 00:39:45,940 --> 00:39:50,800 And you shouldn't get all about me. You think that all you've got is a whole 405 00:39:50,800 --> 00:39:54,900 night through. And it's just that you put your back out too. 406 00:40:27,500 --> 00:40:30,720 I'm going to give her this and that. But she's got a taste for all the things 407 00:40:30,720 --> 00:40:32,340 that make her fat. Oh, baby. 408 00:40:33,460 --> 00:40:34,940 Every night she talks a lot. 409 00:40:36,980 --> 00:40:40,920 We do the Roam Up Rock, KT, Roam, Peppermint Rock. 410 00:40:43,220 --> 00:40:47,860 I rock her to the left. I rock her to the right. She said I like a man who 411 00:40:47,860 --> 00:40:48,860 to rock all night. 412 00:40:49,160 --> 00:40:53,040 I took her to the sweet shop. I said it's all for you. She said I only like 413 00:40:53,040 --> 00:40:54,800 rock when it's better right through. 414 00:41:30,250 --> 00:41:34,730 I took her to the cafe for a fancy casserole. The only thing she fancied 415 00:41:34,730 --> 00:41:38,550 legendary roll. I took her for a picnic. I took her for a stroll. 416 00:41:38,870 --> 00:41:43,190 We sat amongst the rocks, but she wouldn't have a roll. Oh, baby, I'm a 417 00:41:43,530 --> 00:41:45,290 Every night I'm going up. 418 00:41:46,570 --> 00:41:50,950 We do the roll, my rock game. She goes, definitely rock. 419 00:42:10,250 --> 00:42:17,050 man's head to a barmaid, now mix me a drink, a cocktail made up of whatever 420 00:42:17,050 --> 00:42:23,010 think. She mixed it, he drank it, and went right cross -eyed, and three hours 421 00:42:23,010 --> 00:42:25,510 later he came to and cried. 422 00:42:30,540 --> 00:42:33,440 I'd like to try another like the one I had before. 423 00:42:33,680 --> 00:42:37,560 I so enjoyed the last one that I'm coming back for more. 424 00:42:38,040 --> 00:42:41,700 The effect is not immediate, but it's worth waiting for. 425 00:42:42,060 --> 00:42:45,640 So oblige me with another like the one I had before. 426 00:42:47,360 --> 00:42:48,480 Only bigger. 427 00:42:51,860 --> 00:42:57,960 A man sat in a drugstore and he called for the boss. He said, you gave me a pep 428 00:42:57,960 --> 00:42:59,940 bill to give to my horse. 429 00:43:00,520 --> 00:43:04,100 I put it on the shelf on the wall near my bed. 430 00:43:04,380 --> 00:43:08,040 It fell into the coffee pot and I swallowed it instead. 431 00:43:12,440 --> 00:43:16,020 I'd like to try another like the one I had before. 432 00:43:16,560 --> 00:43:20,160 I so enjoyed the last one that I'm coming back for more. 433 00:43:20,580 --> 00:43:24,280 The effect is not immediate, but it's worth waiting for. 434 00:43:24,600 --> 00:43:28,060 So oblige me with another like the one I had before. 435 00:43:29,190 --> 00:43:30,230 Only stronger. 436 00:43:34,470 --> 00:43:41,410 A man said to a preacher, you recall yesterday, you married me and Mary and I 437 00:43:41,410 --> 00:43:42,450 had to pay. 438 00:43:42,670 --> 00:43:48,490 You charged us two dollars for plighting our throats. So I've come around to say 439 00:43:48,490 --> 00:43:50,750 on behalf of us both. 440 00:43:53,030 --> 00:43:54,370 Wait for it now. 441 00:43:54,690 --> 00:43:56,730 We'd like to try it again. 442 00:44:08,980 --> 00:44:10,560 Like the one we had before. 443 00:44:40,620 --> 00:44:42,360 That's all we have time for this series. 444 00:44:42,580 --> 00:44:46,980 We'd like to thank our resident guests, Swingle 2. 445 00:44:55,440 --> 00:44:57,480 And, of course, Michel Legrand. 446 00:45:04,430 --> 00:45:09,210 In our next series, we're going to look at unusual dances, including the Gay 447 00:45:09,210 --> 00:45:12,090 Gordons, the Nice Nigels, and the Queer Quistophers. 448 00:45:15,990 --> 00:45:20,090 But here is the late news. We've just heard about the new tax form that the 449 00:45:20,090 --> 00:45:23,170 Inland Revenue are bringing out next week. It only has three sections. 450 00:45:23,530 --> 00:45:28,270 One, how much money did you make last year? Two, how much have you got left? 451 00:45:28,270 --> 00:45:29,270 three, send it. 452 00:45:33,040 --> 00:45:38,300 The divorce. The divorce was announced today of John Rupert Prendergast and 453 00:45:38,300 --> 00:45:40,060 William Henry Smithers. 454 00:45:41,000 --> 00:45:44,700 Breakdown of the marriage was due to incompatibility and a short -sighted 455 00:45:47,140 --> 00:45:51,260 And Miss Gloria Clegg, who achieved fame last year by marrying in a wedding 456 00:45:51,260 --> 00:45:55,320 dress made entirely of chewing gum, was finally separated from her husband last 457 00:45:55,320 --> 00:45:56,320 week. 458 00:45:58,410 --> 00:46:01,270 Said Mrs. Clegg, thank goodness for that. For the past three months, we've 459 00:46:01,270 --> 00:46:02,270 in a very sticky position. 460 00:46:03,370 --> 00:46:07,230 Well, that's all we've got time for this series, so it's goodbye from me. And 461 00:46:07,230 --> 00:46:08,290 it's goodbye from him. Goodbye.