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00:00:28,840 --> 00:00:32,140
Good evening, it's wonderful to be with
you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is.

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00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:35,940
And on the programme tonight, our legal
department will be discussing paternity

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suits and asking, can you hire them from
Mossbroth?

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00:00:40,260 --> 00:00:44,240
We'll also be trying to answer the
question that people ask themselves more

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any other, why do I talk to myself?

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00:00:48,680 --> 00:00:51,400
But first, the news.

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At London Zoo, two giant half -ton
hippopotami mated for the first time in

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captivity.

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For the second time outside the remains
of their cage and for the third and

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fourth time halfway down the high
street.

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There were complaints today at Wells
Cathedral where the National Association

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Squatters had their first annual
service.

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As soon as the bishop gave his address,
15 of them moved into it.

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In the divorce court today, a husband
claimed he had seen the milkman put his

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arm round his wife three times.

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Dismissing the case, the judge said, no
milkman has an arm that long.

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Which reminds me that at Purbright
police station today, a woman claimed

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squad of cavalrymen from the light
brigade crept up to her house and

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her. When asked if she would prefer
charges, she said, yes, I would. It

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noisy, but either get here, please.

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Uganda. General Armin had a nasty
accident today. He fell into a vat of

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peroxide.

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His condition is described as fair.

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And in fact, General Armin has been
buying up more BBC programmes to adapt

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the wide open plains of Uganda,
including Softly Softly Tuskforth, It's

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Blackanory,

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Bananarama, and the film The Last Mango
in Paris.

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In the sketch that follows, David and
Goliath, I shall, of course, play the

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of Goliath, whilst I, in all modesty,
will play the stone.

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All right, Miss Sherman, you just tell
him that psychiatrists have to eat like

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anybody else.

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If he doesn't pay his bill, tell him
I'll let him go mad.

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in here all the time with their... Good
evening. Oh, good evening.

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Somebody's told me to come on in. Quite
right. You haven't been here before,

35
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have you? No.

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Good, fine. I'm Dr Gilbert. Ah, how do
you do?

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My name is Carrot.

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Carrot, right.

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00:03:18,630 --> 00:03:22,270
Excuse me. Now then, before we start,
are you a bed wetter? What? Are you a

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wetter? Bed wetter? Well, well, well,
I... Well, I'll tell you what.

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I'll lie on the couch, you sit in the
chair. Better be safe.

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under the impression you're Michael
Parkinson, are you? What?

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00:03:43,990 --> 00:03:46,550
You're not under the impression you're
Michael Parkinson. Oh, no, no. No, no,

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because I've got five of him already,
you see.

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It's very difficult to keep their
appointments apart, you know, coming in

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with their long hair and asking stupid
questions.

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Still, I suppose if you're mad,
you're... And why Michael Parkinson, eh?

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don't know.

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Never mind.

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00:03:58,630 --> 00:03:59,630
Carrot. That's it, isn't it?

51
00:04:02,790 --> 00:04:03,790
Possible.

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I want you to say the first thing that
comes into your head, speak about

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anything you like, comes into your mind,
no matter how private or personal.

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And I don't want you to worry. If you're
completely at your ease, say anything

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you like, because, as you know, in
between these three walls, there will

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be stricted confidence.

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All right?

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Yeah. By the way, I must tell you about
the chap who was in here this morning.

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00:04:29,510 --> 00:04:33,010
Oh, my God. You've already known. Tony
Sullivan, his name is. Big nose. Works

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around the bank there. Around the bank.

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Do you know him? No, you probably don't.
Anyway, he spent his lunch hour sitting

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on top of the bureau there. Yeah, he
said the bogies were after him. A right

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twit, he looked.

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I took some photographs. I was on the
Polaroids. I got them here. Oh, no, I

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them up at the golf club. I was showing
the chaps in the golf club. Thanks.

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00:04:51,970 --> 00:04:53,030
Oh, dear. What was I saying?

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Um, strictness of confidence. Oh, yes,
yes.

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So you can feel absolutely at your ease
at all times. You understand?

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Yes. Right, now, what are the problems,
then?

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Well, I, um...

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Good God, is that the time? Oh, my God.
Sorry, carry on, carry on.

72
00:05:07,660 --> 00:05:13,240
Well, I just find it very difficult to
actually make sort of contact with

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when I, I mean socially, when I meet
people, I seem to be able to, I seem to

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quite mischievous.

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Oh,

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bloody watch. What's the matter with it?

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Sorry, carry on. Do carry on. Just try
and relax, won't you?

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When I actually meet people... Yes,
hello.

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00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:34,740
Mr. Bittle comes here, sir.

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He's in a bit of a state, and he's
wondering if you can see him at six.

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00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:41,360
No, I can't see him at six or at any
other time. Tell him to go to hell.

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I wouldn't mind reporting to the police.

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Damn people, it's disgusting the way
they come in here, groveling for

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damn good thrashing, that's what they
need.

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Sorry I interrupted you.

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Well, I...

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I was... What was that? I was... Well,
come on, come on, then. Come on, then.

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00:05:56,430 --> 00:06:00,370
Sorry. Well, I find that socially, when
I... And even really business -wise...

89
00:06:00,370 --> 00:06:02,490
Oh, God. Don't beat about the bush, old
chap.

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00:06:02,790 --> 00:06:06,390
Spit it out. All right, then. When I
meet people socially and at business, as

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say, and they say to me, good morning,
Mr. Carrick, I never feel absolutely

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sure... ...to

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be able to assert my... Oh, what are you
muttering on

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00:06:22,030 --> 00:06:23,030
about?

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00:06:27,530 --> 00:06:30,690
word you're saying, you know. You're all
tensed up like the rest of the nuts

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that come in here.

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It's no fun, you know, lying on that
couch for eight hours a day listening to

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this loony sort of drivel.

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It's so boring, for one thing. My God,
it's boring. Would you mind, just for

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once and for all, for God's sake, coming
straight out with it and telling me

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what's the matter with you?

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Well, I think I'm a rabbit.

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You stupid loony.

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Of course you're not a rabbit.

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Pull yourself together, man.

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You're not a rabbit. If you were a
rabbit, you'd have long ears, wouldn't

107
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They must have fallen off.

108
00:07:04,930 --> 00:07:09,170
Of course they haven't fallen off, you
loony. Listen, if you say you're a

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once more, I'm going to thump you right
in the face. Now, what are you?

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I'm a... I'm a dog.

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Now,

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we'll take you from there next week. All
right.

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Send the next one in, please, Mick
Sharma, would you? Thank you.

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Good evening, or if you live on the
Great Barrier Reef, good middle of the

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night. And welcome to Consumer's Corner.
Last week, we tested 12 different kinds

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of glue.

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I said that Boppo glue was best, and I'm
sticking to it.

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Now, certain people have bandied it
about that I favour Boppo products

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I'm paid by them. What rubbish.

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People like that ought to be boiled in
oil. And I recommend Boppo oil.

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Let's start this week with cornflakes.
Now, here is the boffo pack.

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And here you see another make.

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There we are. As you see, boffo is much
bigger.

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Doesn't this make it heavy to carry, I
hear some idiot ask? Well, boffo thought

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of that, and so it's three quarters
empty.

126
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Then why not a smaller pack?

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Boffo thought of that too, and here it
is inside the larger pack.

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And just look at the cornflakes.

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And you get two of those.

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It is but a short step from cornflakes
to transistor radios for the pocket.

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two new makes this week. This one, one
Japanese.

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And the other is this one.

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And it's British.

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This is the one for my money. Who could
lose that?

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Let's see who makes it.

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What a coincidence.

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Boffo makes the world's largest
miniature radio. And another selling

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You can hardly hear it, so no complaints
for the neighbours.

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Now, there's no bias on my tests of food
stuff. For instance, every fur must

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00:11:27,350 --> 00:11:28,650
list the contents on the package.

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00:11:28,850 --> 00:11:31,130
Let's take one at random. What's this
one here?

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Mmm, boffo beef risotto. Mmm, sounds
good.

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contains a beef substitute, vegetable
substitute, rice substitute, edible

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00:11:39,740 --> 00:11:44,660
spices, inedible spices, monostodium
glutamate substitute, and a rusty nail.

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00:11:45,620 --> 00:11:50,280
Well, you can't, you can't, ah, there it
is, yes. You can't say much fairer than

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that, can you?

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Unless, of course, you dye your hair
with boffalene hair dye or use boffo

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00:11:55,580 --> 00:12:00,800
restorer. Now, this coconut was
completely bald until I applied...

149
00:12:05,610 --> 00:12:07,990
you've guessed it, I applied Boppo Hair
Restorer.

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Whereas a billiard ball treated with
another well -known hair restorer failed

151
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grow any hair at all.

152
00:12:20,030 --> 00:12:21,510
Well, only a little bit anyway.

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So much for foodstuffs. I now propose to
move on to medicine.

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00:12:26,350 --> 00:12:29,490
I hear you ask, but what about coffee
and biscuits and peas?

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To which I reply, would you mind waiting
till the end of the program?

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00:12:34,100 --> 00:12:35,220
Now, pills.

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Pills. Let us consider safety.

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00:12:39,700 --> 00:12:42,800
Here, on the middle shelf here, we have
Dr.

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00:12:43,040 --> 00:12:45,580
Whizzer's emetic super laxative pills.

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00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:51,140
Up there, Boffo anti -flatulence pills
on the top, and most dangerous of all,

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down here, Nurse Goodall's cold cream
for pimples on the bottom.

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So, being on the top shelf, well out of
reach of the children, Boffo's anti -

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anti -flagellants pills are the safest.

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No need for parents to get the wind up.
School children cannot get at them.

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Right. Next.

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powders. Earlier today, I washed two
identical shirts, one with boffo blue,

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secret ingredient, and one with a cheese
grater.

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00:13:39,860 --> 00:13:43,760
Here is the shirt. Here is the shirt
washed with the cheese grater.

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00:13:44,220 --> 00:13:47,760
But here, on the other hand, is the
shirt washed with boffo.

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Three shades whiter. Look at that, Jim.
And don't forget, don't forget, every

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boffo packet of everything...

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00:13:57,370 --> 00:14:00,230
There is a government health warning. It
reads, you have been warned, if you

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00:14:00,230 --> 00:14:02,190
know what's good for your health, get
rid of the government.

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00:14:03,270 --> 00:14:08,470
And finally, best news of all, this
week, every single Boffo product costs

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00:14:08,470 --> 00:14:10,350
less. 45 % less than what?

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00:14:10,610 --> 00:14:13,050
45 % less than it will cost next week.

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00:14:13,250 --> 00:14:16,410
So remember, if you want a goodbye, buy
Boffo.

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00:14:42,760 --> 00:14:45,420
Good evening, sir. Good evening. Mr.
Tinkle. Yeah.

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00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:48,620
George Arthur William Tinkle.

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00:14:49,020 --> 00:14:50,020
Yeah.

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00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:51,480
Inspector Hornley.

182
00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:54,880
Oh. This is Detective Sergeant Miller.
Sir.

183
00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:56,620
Woman Police Constable Savage.

184
00:14:56,920 --> 00:14:58,600
Good evening, sir. Constable Gutteridge.

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00:14:58,840 --> 00:14:59,840
Evening, sir.

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00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:01,500
Now then, sir. Yes.

187
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:04,400
This is Constable Dog Handler Verity
here.

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00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:07,460
Police Dog Rex here.

189
00:15:08,740 --> 00:15:10,200
This is my wife.

190
00:15:16,170 --> 00:15:17,170
That's a friend of Len's.

191
00:15:18,850 --> 00:15:21,850
This is Joan, who goes to keep fit with
my wife on Thursdays.

192
00:15:24,490 --> 00:15:27,250
And this is the gentleman who voted
Liberal at the last election.

193
00:15:31,110 --> 00:15:34,150
Now then, sir, I think you know why
we're all here.

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00:15:34,910 --> 00:15:35,910
No.

195
00:15:37,650 --> 00:15:40,310
Well, there's been a power cut in our
district and our tellies aren't working.

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00:15:40,410 --> 00:15:41,410
Come here, what's yours?

197
00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:54,820
On BBC One at the moment, we have
Cricket from Lorde, and on BBC Two,

198
00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:59,820
Yes, thank you very much indeed. That's
very good. Very good audition indeed.

199
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:02,460
Thank you very much. If you just wait
over there. That's it. Sit over there.

200
00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:03,480
Just one more person, please.

201
00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:05,160
Mr.

202
00:16:05,660 --> 00:16:06,660
Goblet, please.

203
00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:12,700
Thank you, Mr. Goblet. If you just sit
down there and read that.

204
00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:14,240
All right?

205
00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:15,320
In your own time, yes?

206
00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:16,600
All right.

207
00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:36,480
a BBC spokesman that they had both had
a... Page

208
00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:40,760
two. Page two. Oh, it doesn't matter.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.

209
00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:47,660
Sorry, that they both had an arrow...
Sorry,

210
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:51,260
sorry. Where was I? Oh, yes. That they
both had...

211
00:17:03,530 --> 00:17:06,450
and were glad to be the princes and
income board.

212
00:17:07,030 --> 00:17:10,890
Sorry. I'm sorry about that. Sorry, wait
a minute. Sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry about

213
00:17:10,890 --> 00:17:11,890
this.

214
00:17:12,050 --> 00:17:17,650
The ices and princum board

215
00:17:17,650 --> 00:17:23,990
issued a statement earlier this welk and
it's... Sorry

216
00:17:23,990 --> 00:17:27,130
about this. Sorry about this.

217
00:17:28,670 --> 00:17:31,390
Earlier this welk and said that...

218
00:17:31,950 --> 00:17:33,190
Oh, I'm sorry. About the fish.

219
00:17:33,830 --> 00:17:36,550
And... Oh, I'm sorry. That was very
nice, very nice. Excellent. Thank you

220
00:17:36,550 --> 00:17:40,990
much. Well, normally I'm very good at
reading, but I just seem to be a little

221
00:17:40,990 --> 00:17:43,670
bit sort of nervous. And I think it's
the lights, you know.

222
00:17:44,050 --> 00:17:48,570
I've got a little catch in the throat
here. But I'm feeling a little more

223
00:17:48,570 --> 00:17:51,610
confident now. I think I'll just try it
again. Well, no, there's no need. You're

224
00:17:51,610 --> 00:17:54,630
not quite what we're... Just let me read
it once more, because I think this bit

225
00:17:54,630 --> 00:17:55,850
down here is... There we are.

226
00:17:57,650 --> 00:17:58,650
Building costs.

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00:17:58,910 --> 00:18:01,050
And you... Sorry, wait a minute. I know
the very thing.

228
00:18:01,350 --> 00:18:08,350
A new crisis moves building costs and
the soaring interest rates make

229
00:18:08,350 --> 00:18:13,770
it impossible to conform to the
government's con -yardstick limits.

230
00:18:14,570 --> 00:18:17,150
Yes, well, thank you very much indeed.
That was fine. Thank you very much, yes.

231
00:18:17,550 --> 00:18:20,210
Is that all right? Yes, that was fine.
Yes, there was one or two things that

232
00:18:20,210 --> 00:18:23,550
weren't quite right, but otherwise it
was marvellous. I mean, you were

233
00:18:23,550 --> 00:18:26,910
marvellous. Yes, I made a bit of a mess
of the first two things. No, no, no, you

234
00:18:26,910 --> 00:18:30,410
didn't. I think I'm in my stride now,
you know. I think I'm feeling...

235
00:18:31,020 --> 00:18:34,420
You know, do it now. Let me just try.
No, no, look, old man, come on. And now,

236
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:36,080
there's a choice of viewing.

237
00:18:37,300 --> 00:18:40,040
On BBC One, we have Ricketts from Lords.

238
00:18:43,500 --> 00:18:45,900
Another programme which is... Is that
all right? Yes, that's fine. Thank you

239
00:18:45,900 --> 00:18:48,300
very much. That's really lovely. Thank
you. There was nothing wrong with that,

240
00:18:48,340 --> 00:18:50,600
was there? No, no, that was absolutely
marvellous. I was just having a chat

241
00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:53,660
the chaps on the cans upstairs, you see,
and we all agreed that it was

242
00:18:53,660 --> 00:18:56,940
absolutely marvellous from your point of
view. Yes. I made a couple of slips.

243
00:18:57,020 --> 00:19:00,580
No, no, no. That was fine. Is it the
voice? No, no, the voice is absolutely

244
00:19:00,580 --> 00:19:03,360
fine. Is it these, the glasses? No, no,
I didn't even notice them. No, no,

245
00:19:03,360 --> 00:19:04,820
they're fine. Well, what is the trouble?

246
00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:10,660
Well, actually, the trouble is... Well,
you are a wee bit too tall.

247
00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:18,360
A wee bit too tall, you see. Really,
funny enough, I always thought I was on

248
00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:19,940
short side. Oh, no, no, no.

249
00:19:20,180 --> 00:19:23,140
Compared with the announcers we get
here, they're all very handsome and

250
00:19:23,260 --> 00:19:24,119
you are.

251
00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:27,560
There's nothing I said, then. No, no,
no, absolutely. Just a little bit too

252
00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:30,520
tall. It was these, wasn't it? No, it
wasn't. They put you off. No, they

253
00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:33,760
no. Just too tall, that's all. Too tall?
I mean, nobody will notice I'll be

254
00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:37,060
sitting down before that. They won't
know how tall I am, will they? Ah, no.

255
00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:41,500
Well, you see, the trouble is, it is in
colour, you see. It's in colour, and

256
00:19:41,500 --> 00:19:43,540
you're just too tall, you see.

257
00:19:43,900 --> 00:19:48,840
Just two tall. Sorry, what has colour
got to do with it? Well, I mean, how

258
00:19:48,840 --> 00:19:52,760
are you? Well, about 5 '2". 5 '2". Ah,
well, you see, 5 '2". Now, you divide 5

259
00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:58,460
'2 into 625 lines, you see, bearing in
mind that it is a three -colour primary

260
00:19:58,460 --> 00:20:03,020
process, you see, on the three guns. You
must have the equation 625 lines going

261
00:20:03,020 --> 00:20:05,440
into 5 '2", means that you would be
entirely green.

262
00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:10,280
You'd be green from top to whatever.

263
00:20:11,170 --> 00:20:14,770
But actually, I'm five, one and a half.
Oh, well, five, one and a half, you see,

264
00:20:14,790 --> 00:20:17,330
you'll be five, one and a half of green
with half an inch of red on top.

265
00:20:18,490 --> 00:20:21,830
Well, it looked very good on the small
screens there that were down by there.

266
00:20:21,870 --> 00:20:25,150
Yes, well, the thing is, well, look, it
is actually, I'll tell you the truth, it

267
00:20:25,150 --> 00:20:26,770
is a technical problem.

268
00:20:27,290 --> 00:20:30,530
Technical? Yes, a technical problem. The
technical reason is that, you see, you

269
00:20:30,530 --> 00:20:32,170
are absolutely dreadful.

270
00:20:34,130 --> 00:20:37,230
Oh, well, I mean, if it's technical,
there's very little you can know about

271
00:20:37,250 --> 00:20:38,570
No, well, you see, I didn't want to
worry you.

272
00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:46,380
guest this evening, Blue Mink.

273
00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:40,420
If I thought our love was a thing I'd
find

274
00:21:40,420 --> 00:21:42,500
myself drowning in my

275
00:21:47,050 --> 00:21:50,350
The sunshine of my life, baby.

276
00:21:51,430 --> 00:21:56,230
That's why I'll always be around you.

277
00:21:56,850 --> 00:22:01,610
You are the apple of my eye, child.

278
00:22:21,260 --> 00:22:23,640
That this must be heaven.

279
00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:29,300
How could so much love be inside of you?

280
00:22:29,500 --> 00:22:35,500
You, you, you, you, you, you are the
sunshine of my life, baby.

281
00:22:36,920 --> 00:22:38,360
That's why I love you.

282
00:23:14,690 --> 00:23:20,710
You are such out of my life, baby

283
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:43,440
the child of my life, baby.

284
00:23:44,360 --> 00:23:49,180
That's why I'll always be around you.

285
00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:53,380
You are the apple of my eye.

286
00:23:53,620 --> 00:23:55,540
Honey, babe, honey, babe.

287
00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:59,520
Forever you'll stay in my heart.

288
00:24:00,860 --> 00:24:06,560
You are the sunshine of my life, baby.

289
00:24:07,060 --> 00:24:08,420
That's why I'll

290
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:28,940
I hope he doesn't mind my mentioning
this, but Ronnie B is a tiny little bit

291
00:24:28,940 --> 00:24:33,200
annoyed tonight, you know, because he
wasn't at the producer's party last

292
00:24:33,580 --> 00:24:36,480
Now, he should consider himself lucky he
wasn't there.

293
00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:38,040
Good heavens!

294
00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:39,740
I've had more fun at the dentist.

295
00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:46,760
The party was actually given to launch
his mother in her new showbiz career as

296
00:24:46,760 --> 00:24:47,760
lady fire -eater.

297
00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:52,440
Something that started quite by
accident, you know, when she went to put

298
00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:53,820
coal on the fire and tripped over the
mat.

299
00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:59,020
Now this party was a very, very quiet
affair.

300
00:24:59,300 --> 00:25:00,279
Very quiet.

301
00:25:00,280 --> 00:25:04,380
We all stood around with our glasses,
you know, of homemade xenopod wine.

302
00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:08,280
Irish stew on biscuits.

303
00:25:09,260 --> 00:25:11,500
Little snacks like rice pudding on
sticks.

304
00:25:12,620 --> 00:25:14,000
My God, it was quiet.

305
00:25:14,280 --> 00:25:18,180
Well, I'll be honest with you, it wasn't
so much a party, it was more like

306
00:25:18,180 --> 00:25:19,540
waiting to take part in an ambush.

307
00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:26,100
Now we'd been there about an hour, and
one of the guests, Gorta, caught up, you

308
00:25:26,100 --> 00:25:29,340
know, in the general atmosphere and
wanted to jump off the window ledge.

309
00:25:30,300 --> 00:25:31,940
But he couldn't get the window open.

310
00:25:32,860 --> 00:25:35,620
So he spent the rest of the evening
throwing himself off a chair.

311
00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:42,260
Then the host started playing some of
his party LPs, you know, like The Best

312
00:25:42,260 --> 00:25:48,800
Nureyev and a wonderful record called
Sing Along with Lord

313
00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:49,800
Reith.

314
00:25:51,210 --> 00:25:53,870
we'd just about exhausted the
entertainment possibilities.

315
00:25:54,150 --> 00:25:56,210
You know, we'd all had a ride in the
lift.

316
00:25:58,970 --> 00:26:04,630
And the producer had done his rather
tasteless send -off of head of BBC Light

317
00:26:04,630 --> 00:26:05,630
Entertainment.

318
00:26:06,490 --> 00:26:10,430
And my wife, who is actually going
through rather a sticky patch at the

319
00:26:10,470 --> 00:26:13,570
she was locked in the kitchen putting
milk bottles down the waste disposal.

320
00:26:15,150 --> 00:26:17,770
And someone said, what shall we do now?

321
00:26:17,990 --> 00:26:19,990
Now, I was feeling a little bit full of
myself.

322
00:26:20,650 --> 00:26:24,350
I found later that someone had been
putting metal polish in my wine.

323
00:26:25,510 --> 00:26:28,570
And by the time I'd found out who was
doing it, the tin was empty.

324
00:26:29,330 --> 00:26:33,410
Anyway, I said, I know what we can do. I
said, I know what we can do. Why don't

325
00:26:33,410 --> 00:26:36,070
we all hold hands and try and get in
touch with the living?

326
00:26:40,090 --> 00:26:45,990
And the producer's mother, producer's
mother, who was also on the Brasso,

327
00:26:46,170 --> 00:26:51,370
she said, what a good idea. idea of four
eyes.

328
00:26:53,110 --> 00:26:57,810
We'll have a seance, she said. It
appears that she wanted to get in touch

329
00:26:57,810 --> 00:27:01,750
her first husband. Now, I happen to know
a lady who was a medium.

330
00:27:02,450 --> 00:27:03,450
Mrs. Dry.

331
00:27:06,210 --> 00:27:07,570
Known as Medium Dry.

332
00:27:09,530 --> 00:27:11,310
And they didn't laugh much either.

333
00:27:12,550 --> 00:27:16,390
Anyway, we did manage to get hold of a
medium, you know. They're all in the

334
00:27:16,390 --> 00:27:17,390
yellow pages, you know.

335
00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:22,040
hold of this old gypsy lady called
Granny Sobrani Limited.

336
00:27:23,880 --> 00:27:26,000
Granny Sobrani of Dubrovnik.

337
00:27:26,760 --> 00:27:28,480
One of the Balkan Sobranis.

338
00:27:29,340 --> 00:27:35,420
So we all sat around the table holding
hands, if you like that, and the chap on

339
00:27:35,420 --> 00:27:39,620
the end gave way to a very stupid
impulse and put his finger in the power

340
00:27:39,620 --> 00:27:40,620
socket.

341
00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:47,780
Well, that clears your head a bit, I can
tell you.

342
00:27:50,590 --> 00:27:53,370
wife's hairdresser, I'll give him a
little wave.

343
00:27:56,710 --> 00:28:03,570
Just a little bit, you know, but my
wife... He... Well, actually, he's a lot

344
00:28:03,570 --> 00:28:04,249
like that.

345
00:28:04,250 --> 00:28:10,570
I was wondering whether to be tactful.
He passed out, poor soul, passed out on

346
00:28:10,570 --> 00:28:13,310
the floor, and nobody wanted to give him
the kiss of life.

347
00:28:15,010 --> 00:28:16,470
It's so embarrassing.

348
00:28:18,180 --> 00:28:21,120
Eventually, I rushed up, gave him a peck
on the cheek, promised to write, and he

349
00:28:21,120 --> 00:28:22,120
was as good as new.

350
00:28:25,540 --> 00:28:31,040
Then the old gypsy said, she said that
for a fiver, she could make our friend

351
00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:33,340
materialize in the room for a fiver.

352
00:28:33,580 --> 00:28:37,860
So we all put in 50p each. And no sooner
had she got the money, when she said,

353
00:28:37,980 --> 00:28:39,460
he's here already, she said.

354
00:28:39,800 --> 00:28:41,820
I said, that was quick. She said, well,
it's all downhill.

355
00:28:45,760 --> 00:28:47,460
Then she laughed.

356
00:28:47,770 --> 00:28:48,770
so I hit her.

357
00:28:49,070 --> 00:28:51,270
I always like to strike a happy medium.

358
00:28:58,210 --> 00:29:04,790
She said, he's here, standing on my
hand, she said. He has returned to Earth

359
00:29:04,790 --> 00:29:06,910
as an invisible pixie.

360
00:29:08,390 --> 00:29:10,750
She said, you're very lucky you don't
often see those.

361
00:29:14,430 --> 00:29:16,790
There was a young lady in the group, a
Miss A.

362
00:29:17,290 --> 00:29:19,230
She was there by mistake. She thought it
was a record promotion.

363
00:29:19,990 --> 00:29:24,030
And the gypsy said, would you like to
tickle him under the chin, you see? And

364
00:29:24,030 --> 00:29:30,350
the girl said, yes, I would very much.
And she went... And the gypsy lady said,

365
00:29:30,430 --> 00:29:33,010
actually, he's about that big, but I
think you're getting through to him.

366
00:29:50,440 --> 00:29:51,540
That's a forgery, all right.

367
00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:53,300
How can you tell?

368
00:29:54,100 --> 00:29:58,940
Well, you see this capital A here in
England? Now, that loop, that lower loop

369
00:29:58,940 --> 00:30:02,320
there, is slightly lower than it should
be compared with the letter D there.

370
00:30:02,560 --> 00:30:07,300
Now, also the decoration on the crown is
slightly overornate, particularly the

371
00:30:07,300 --> 00:30:08,300
thistle motif.

372
00:30:08,780 --> 00:30:12,860
Down here, right down here by the side
of the head there, now that green

373
00:30:12,860 --> 00:30:15,540
shading, that just gets a little too
deep.

374
00:30:15,960 --> 00:30:18,000
Just a little too quickly. See what I
mean?

375
00:30:18,780 --> 00:30:20,840
It's only flight, but the fault is
there.

376
00:30:21,520 --> 00:30:23,800
Besides, it says Bank of Toyland on the
back.

377
00:30:57,710 --> 00:30:58,710
Good man.

378
00:30:59,150 --> 00:31:00,550
Good

379
00:31:00,550 --> 00:31:07,270
man.

380
00:31:21,720 --> 00:31:22,880
to where he shipped the loiter.

381
00:31:23,140 --> 00:31:26,140
Good God, all I can say is thank heaven
we're not at sea.

382
00:31:26,380 --> 00:31:27,380
Yes, it'd be good.

383
00:31:27,880 --> 00:31:29,520
Shut the bloody door, man.

384
00:31:30,100 --> 00:31:31,920
Goodness me, is the back door open?

385
00:31:32,160 --> 00:31:34,300
Yes, your maid, she's hanging something
out in the garden.

386
00:31:35,320 --> 00:31:37,580
Where can that be at this time of night?
That's better.

387
00:31:37,940 --> 00:31:41,540
There we are, Mr Beans. Well, what
brings you to my house at this time of

388
00:31:41,740 --> 00:31:45,420
Must be something important to drag you
up the dirty duck on a night like this.

389
00:31:45,760 --> 00:31:50,180
That is true, Captain. I do love my pint
of ale. But there be things in this

390
00:31:50,180 --> 00:31:53,240
world that when they do happen, they do
stop a man from drinking.

391
00:31:53,660 --> 00:31:55,480
And closing time be one of them.

392
00:31:56,800 --> 00:32:00,400
So you got thrown out, eh? No, no. I
just come to tell you that the latest

393
00:32:00,400 --> 00:32:04,420
addition to your line of ships is
already in port, refitted and ready to

394
00:32:04,720 --> 00:32:08,640
Well, it's a scrap that's arrived, is
it? Ah, last night. I thought you and me

395
00:32:08,640 --> 00:32:12,420
might go and have a look over it
tomorrow morning for a scene, as if

396
00:32:12,420 --> 00:32:13,279
a mind.

397
00:32:13,280 --> 00:32:20,080
Of course I've got a mind. I'm not daft,
am I? You need brains to build up a

398
00:32:20,080 --> 00:32:22,240
fleet of cargo ships like I've done.

399
00:32:22,660 --> 00:32:24,880
Brains, brains, brains, brains.

400
00:32:25,680 --> 00:32:28,860
Yes, sir, yes, sir, yes, sir. Ah, well,
she's arrived.

401
00:32:29,080 --> 00:32:32,040
I've done it all on my own, you know,
with no help whatsoever.

402
00:32:32,480 --> 00:32:36,020
My father with no help. I used to think
his head was full of cotton wool.

403
00:32:36,280 --> 00:32:37,119
Oh, why?

404
00:32:37,120 --> 00:32:39,280
Well, I saw a bit sticking out of his
ear once, you know.

405
00:32:41,420 --> 00:32:45,520
Latest addition to the line. Well, let's
drink to it, Mr. Baines. There we are.

406
00:32:45,880 --> 00:32:49,180
I'm sorry to offer you this rather
inferior port wine, but the weather's

407
00:32:49,180 --> 00:32:51,060
that bad, I haven't been able to get
across to the off -license.

408
00:32:52,200 --> 00:32:53,880
You're too drunk to tell the difference.

409
00:32:54,440 --> 00:32:56,740
That's all right, Captain. Any port in a
storm?

410
00:33:00,220 --> 00:33:01,220
Anyhow, here.

411
00:33:02,880 --> 00:33:07,320
I'll tell you what, Captain. Yes? Let us
drink to the latest addition to the

412
00:33:07,320 --> 00:33:09,020
fleet's loins. Grand, grand.

413
00:33:09,340 --> 00:33:13,800
Grand. How long may she prosper, Mr...
to her... Do you know, Baines?

414
00:33:14,060 --> 00:33:16,680
Do you know her? I can't rightly
remember her name.

415
00:33:23,140 --> 00:33:25,080
Saucy Sue, Captain, ain't she a beauty?

416
00:33:25,740 --> 00:33:27,260
Grand, Mr. Baines, grand.

417
00:33:27,640 --> 00:33:28,640
Trim and proud.

418
00:33:29,060 --> 00:33:30,480
Fast, I could imagine, too.

419
00:33:30,760 --> 00:33:34,800
With that air of strength and
reliability characteristic of the class.

420
00:33:35,980 --> 00:33:37,460
What's she like to handle, have you
heard?

421
00:33:38,000 --> 00:33:41,920
Well, Jones, the pilot, says she
responds quickly and manoeuvres well.

422
00:33:42,300 --> 00:33:46,240
I've been all over her already. She's as
solid as a rock and a lot more

423
00:33:46,240 --> 00:33:48,580
comfortable than the older ones of the
same class.

424
00:33:49,540 --> 00:33:51,520
Saucy Sue, eh? That'll be her name,
Captain.

425
00:33:51,740 --> 00:33:52,740
I can't wait.

426
00:33:53,160 --> 00:33:54,160
I say, Sue.

427
00:34:05,360 --> 00:34:08,520
Why don't you slink into the tavern and
wait for me? I'll be there in time to

428
00:34:08,520 --> 00:34:09,520
buy you a second pint.

429
00:34:09,780 --> 00:34:13,139
Just got to look at a ship. What's it
called, Ben? The Dependable Captain.

430
00:34:13,440 --> 00:34:14,639
How very unexciting.

431
00:34:15,320 --> 00:34:17,540
I reckon her bottom will need a bit of
attention.

432
00:34:18,480 --> 00:34:19,480
Right.

433
00:34:21,739 --> 00:34:23,219
First things first, come on.

434
00:34:38,620 --> 00:34:40,040
Land ho, Mr. Baines.

435
00:34:41,340 --> 00:34:42,218
Hi, Captain.

436
00:34:42,219 --> 00:34:43,219
Land ho, Mr. Baines.

437
00:34:44,100 --> 00:34:45,100
Lando, Captain.

438
00:34:45,120 --> 00:34:47,380
There ain't no Lando around here from my
altar.

439
00:34:47,639 --> 00:34:50,659
Really? Then look through that
telescope. What's that blobbing horizon

440
00:34:52,300 --> 00:34:55,460
That's not on the horizon. See, that's
on the end of the telescope, right?

441
00:34:56,239 --> 00:35:00,640
That's a seagull, did that? Any other
messages?

442
00:35:03,500 --> 00:35:07,320
Oh, yes, there was one, yes. I come in
to report that I found a stowaway

443
00:35:07,560 --> 00:35:08,560
sir, stowed away aboard.

444
00:35:08,860 --> 00:35:12,180
I found him in a lifeboat living, sir.
What the blank? I'll bring him in at

445
00:35:12,180 --> 00:35:13,380
once. I will at once, sir.

446
00:35:14,920 --> 00:35:16,400
Bring in a prisoner, Mr Toot.

447
00:35:19,040 --> 00:35:23,640
So, eh, tired of stowaway on my ship,
eh? Trying to swindle an honest sailor

448
00:35:23,640 --> 00:35:25,040
of the favour of passage, eh?

449
00:35:25,380 --> 00:35:28,380
Well, you're a parasite in the back of
society, my fine fellow.

450
00:35:28,620 --> 00:35:32,500
And I want to assure you that a captain
has means of dealing with the likes of

451
00:35:32,500 --> 00:35:36,620
you. By the time I've finished with you,
I wish you weren't born. Take him out.

452
00:35:37,000 --> 00:35:40,320
Strip him. Tie him to the yardarm. Give
him a taste of the rope's end.

453
00:35:40,680 --> 00:35:44,080
Come on, come on. You don't think you're
right up in front of the captain, will

454
00:35:44,080 --> 00:35:45,080
you?

455
00:35:47,120 --> 00:35:49,940
Good God, it's a woman. Do you see that,
Baines? I do, I do.

456
00:35:50,240 --> 00:35:53,520
Yes. Is she still to be stripped and
tied to the yardarm and given a taste of

457
00:35:53,520 --> 00:35:54,520
the rope's end?

458
00:35:55,240 --> 00:35:58,720
Now, perhaps we're being a little bit
hasty there. You know, you do tend to be

459
00:35:58,720 --> 00:35:59,800
wee bit hasty, Baines.

460
00:36:00,320 --> 00:36:04,650
Let's compromise a little. Shall we?
Will you just slip off your oil again,

461
00:36:04,650 --> 00:36:05,650
dear? There we are.

462
00:36:05,870 --> 00:36:06,870
No, perhaps.

463
00:36:07,370 --> 00:36:10,630
Perhaps not a taste of the ropes, then.
Perhaps you prefer something a little

464
00:36:10,630 --> 00:36:11,730
bit tastier, eh?

465
00:36:12,230 --> 00:36:14,050
Bring the lady a cheese sandwich!

466
00:36:15,890 --> 00:36:20,030
There we are. Now, there, will you just
mind it? Now, will you sit down here, my

467
00:36:20,030 --> 00:36:22,390
dear? Sit up there. Get your breath
back.

468
00:36:23,090 --> 00:36:25,390
We're all breathing a bit heavy, aren't
we?

469
00:36:27,370 --> 00:36:28,670
What are you looking at, Baines?

470
00:36:28,890 --> 00:36:31,330
I take it I can leave her polite in your
hands, sir.

471
00:36:31,650 --> 00:36:35,570
Exactly, Baines. I shall set her to work
for me. She shall be my cabin boy.

472
00:36:35,930 --> 00:36:37,270
Don't you worry, Baines.

473
00:36:37,550 --> 00:36:41,110
She'll work a passage as any other
storyway would. Don't you worry.

474
00:36:41,430 --> 00:36:42,970
Now, what's your name, if I may?

475
00:36:43,450 --> 00:36:45,510
Ophelia O 'Hannah Flanagan, sir.

476
00:36:46,010 --> 00:36:47,810
O what? Ophelia, Captain.

477
00:36:48,270 --> 00:36:49,390
Permission to go aloft?

478
00:36:49,690 --> 00:36:54,510
I shall instruct my cabin boy on her
duties.

479
00:36:56,760 --> 00:37:00,860
Well, what made you stay away from my
ship? Well, I wanted to travel and to

480
00:37:00,860 --> 00:37:01,860
a name for myself.

481
00:37:02,080 --> 00:37:03,560
Well, you've come to the right place.

482
00:37:04,340 --> 00:37:06,760
You play your card right, you can do
both things at once.

483
00:37:07,980 --> 00:37:11,740
Now, I'll just tell you what your duties
will be. You'll naturally do a little

484
00:37:11,740 --> 00:37:15,380
bit of light dusting and bring me my
early morning cup of tea.

485
00:37:15,900 --> 00:37:17,640
And, of course, polish my sextant.

486
00:37:20,360 --> 00:37:24,400
Come over here, I'll show you rightly
where we keep the hammocks. You see now?

487
00:37:24,700 --> 00:37:25,700
You see now?

488
00:37:38,570 --> 00:37:39,570
Thank you.

489
00:38:13,450 --> 00:38:16,070
You coming up on the bridge? The storm
is at his height.

490
00:38:16,990 --> 00:38:19,690
I'm afraid I've got too much to do down
here.

491
00:38:20,830 --> 00:38:23,630
But we need your experience up there,
Captain.

492
00:38:24,070 --> 00:38:26,230
I'm using most of it down here.

493
00:39:37,040 --> 00:39:38,540
It's a filthy night up there.

494
00:39:39,420 --> 00:39:41,540
Pretty heavy weather down here as well.

495
00:39:42,840 --> 00:39:45,400
I'm warning you, Captain, it's touch and
go.

496
00:39:45,640 --> 00:39:46,640
I don't...

497
00:40:08,620 --> 00:40:11,860
Captain. No thanks, my dear. Not at
breakfast. It's a bit early for me, you

498
00:40:11,860 --> 00:40:14,000
know. Good God, what a night.

499
00:40:14,260 --> 00:40:16,540
Oh, I do love you, Captain.

500
00:40:16,800 --> 00:40:18,040
And I do love you too.

501
00:40:18,500 --> 00:40:20,640
It's the first time I've ever said that
to a cabin boy.

502
00:40:22,320 --> 00:40:23,320
What's that?

503
00:40:24,680 --> 00:40:27,180
Captain, we're being boarded. Who, boy?

504
00:40:28,100 --> 00:40:29,100
Pirates.

505
00:40:29,560 --> 00:40:33,140
He's right. He's not wrong. Oh, dear.
Don't you worry, dear. You'll be safe in

506
00:40:33,140 --> 00:40:34,140
here with me.

507
00:40:34,590 --> 00:40:37,390
No, I'm going to stay in here and
protect you. Oh, I'll go and fight. No,

508
00:40:37,390 --> 00:40:40,830
leave me here on my own. Don't be daft.
Are you coming here or not, Captain?

509
00:40:41,130 --> 00:40:43,270
No, I've got every confidence in you,
Baines.

510
00:40:43,530 --> 00:40:45,410
Oh, all right, sir, aye, aye.

511
00:40:45,950 --> 00:40:48,970
Stand by to repel all boarders.

512
00:40:49,210 --> 00:40:51,150
Sounds like a landlady I knew once.

513
00:40:51,650 --> 00:40:54,170
Sit down here, my dear. Come on, make
yourself comfortable.

514
00:40:54,670 --> 00:40:56,670
Well, this is pleasant, isn't it, eh?

515
00:40:57,310 --> 00:40:59,710
How different my life has suddenly
become.

516
00:40:59,970 --> 00:41:02,930
Are you sure Mr Baines can manage on his
own? Well, why not?

517
00:41:03,560 --> 00:41:06,600
You helped us through last night without
so much as a scrape, didn't you, eh?

518
00:41:06,840 --> 00:41:08,800
Which is more than I could say for you,
my dear.

519
00:41:09,840 --> 00:41:10,840
Catherine!

520
00:41:11,440 --> 00:41:16,200
I shall never forget the first time I
saw you when you took off your hat and

521
00:41:16,200 --> 00:41:19,480
your hair fell out over your shoulder.
Were you surprised?

522
00:41:20,160 --> 00:41:22,640
Well, it was a bit of a shock. It's
usually a sign of scurvy.

523
00:41:24,160 --> 00:41:26,420
What? Sounds as if they're getting
closer.

524
00:41:26,700 --> 00:41:28,720
They won't get past the door, not with
Baines there.

525
00:41:28,960 --> 00:41:32,100
Not only is he tough, but he uses his
head. Well, what's it made of? Solid oak

526
00:41:32,100 --> 00:41:33,100
and not a knot all inside.

527
00:41:33,440 --> 00:41:35,180
I didn't mean that silly. I meant the
door.

528
00:41:35,460 --> 00:41:37,200
Oh, the door. I don't know what the
door's made of. No, I don't.

529
00:41:38,040 --> 00:41:39,040
Listen. What?

530
00:41:39,120 --> 00:41:40,160
It's gone all quiet.

531
00:41:40,520 --> 00:41:42,380
So it has. Perhaps they're fighting on
carpet.

532
00:41:44,000 --> 00:41:45,120
It's all over, Captain.

533
00:41:46,160 --> 00:41:50,160
Have they... Have you beaten them?
They've beaten us, Captain. I'm a

534
00:41:50,160 --> 00:41:50,919
out there.

535
00:41:50,920 --> 00:41:52,060
Are you coming out or not?

536
00:41:52,300 --> 00:41:53,940
No, no, not... No fear, no.

537
00:41:54,180 --> 00:41:57,640
Ophelia and I are staying in here. We've
got supplies enough to last us three

538
00:41:57,640 --> 00:42:01,460
months. Plenty of Robin Ships biscuits.
Are they a tough bunch, are they? Ah,

539
00:42:01,500 --> 00:42:04,980
they are, sir, they are. They've been at
sea for months without so much as

540
00:42:04,980 --> 00:42:09,100
clapping eyes upon a member of the
opposite, as you might say, sir. And

541
00:42:09,100 --> 00:42:11,040
make their body very edgy, that do.

542
00:42:11,700 --> 00:42:15,440
Whomsoever, they promise not to kill me
if I do exactly as I say.

543
00:42:15,680 --> 00:42:17,700
Then I suggest you agree I'm staying in
here.

544
00:42:17,940 --> 00:42:20,000
The fewer men out there with that lot,
the better.

545
00:42:20,380 --> 00:42:23,460
Ah, you may be right with that, Captain.
You may be right.

546
00:42:26,480 --> 00:42:31,100
I'd just like to say... If I don't see
you again, it will have been wonderful.

547
00:42:31,660 --> 00:42:32,660
Well,

548
00:42:38,740 --> 00:42:50,180
that's

549
00:42:50,180 --> 00:42:54,060
all for this week. Next week, we're
having a talk on ethics by a man from

550
00:42:54,060 --> 00:42:55,060
Suffolk.

551
00:43:01,130 --> 00:43:04,470
We'll interview a man who's really got a
finger in every pie.

552
00:43:04,750 --> 00:43:06,150
He's a short -sighted butcher.

553
00:43:08,150 --> 00:43:09,690
Oh, that's a meaty one.

554
00:43:10,990 --> 00:43:15,390
And now some late news. Despite the
strike of delivery drivers at a Midlands

555
00:43:15,390 --> 00:43:20,030
factory today, the millionth car rolled
off the assembly line and onto a pile of

556
00:43:20,030 --> 00:43:21,670
990 ,000 others.

557
00:43:23,310 --> 00:43:26,530
And the latest news from the divorce
court.

558
00:43:27,100 --> 00:43:32,180
A sex -crazed lady dietician from
Hertfordshire admitted in an undefended

559
00:43:32,660 --> 00:43:37,860
I won't deny it. There are 263 men in my
life, and they all eat shredded wheat.

560
00:43:40,380 --> 00:43:44,680
And in the high courts, a man complained
of the noise made by the amorous couple

561
00:43:44,680 --> 00:43:45,680
in the flat above.

562
00:43:45,840 --> 00:43:49,860
Each evening, they'd sing the red flag,
eat their supper, have fun on the sofa,

563
00:43:50,020 --> 00:43:52,040
and then take a very naughty bath
together.

564
00:43:52,620 --> 00:43:55,740
So every night, it was hammer and
tickle, cheese and fickle, slap and

565
00:43:55,740 --> 00:43:56,740
and bubble and squeak.

566
00:44:07,690 --> 00:44:10,810
that it's good night from him and it's
good night from me as well