1 00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:27,560 Good evening and welcome. 2 00:00:27,840 --> 00:00:31,520 It's good to see you. It's good to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Oh, 3 00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:33,560 lovely. What have you been doing with yourself the last week? 4 00:00:33,780 --> 00:00:40,500 Well, I've been appearing in a West End play, I've done a TV series, I've 5 00:00:40,500 --> 00:00:43,380 written a book, and I've climbed Mount Everest. 6 00:00:46,100 --> 00:00:47,340 Yes, I haven't done much either. 7 00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:54,440 And now, now the news. 8 00:00:55,240 --> 00:01:00,420 In the transatlantic single -handed yacht race, Mr. Owen Smithers has been 9 00:01:00,420 --> 00:01:02,220 disqualified for using both hands. 10 00:01:04,879 --> 00:01:09,660 The government issued a serious warning today about Hong Kong flu. The public 11 00:01:09,660 --> 00:01:13,320 are advised not to get it, as it's just a cheap plastic imitation of British 12 00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:14,320 flu. 13 00:01:17,280 --> 00:01:23,320 During a speech by Mr. Enoch Powell at Watford Town Hall, a man rushed up onto 14 00:01:23,320 --> 00:01:26,560 the platform and threw a bag of soup into Mr. Powell's face. 15 00:01:27,140 --> 00:01:31,480 After a slight scuffle, the man was removed, and Mr. Powell went on to sing 16 00:01:31,480 --> 00:01:38,480 Sonny Boy into Camptown's... Today is the 17 00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:40,500 report on the mating habits of animals. 18 00:01:41,060 --> 00:01:43,060 Apparently ostriches mate once a week. 19 00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:46,560 crocodiles three times a week, and elephants three weeks a time. 20 00:01:51,300 --> 00:01:57,800 It was announced today that Amazing Grace has gone to number eight, and 21 00:01:57,800 --> 00:01:58,820 is at number nine. 22 00:01:59,580 --> 00:02:02,400 Mr. Heath at number ten said it's ruining the tone of the movie. 23 00:02:05,740 --> 00:02:07,340 And here is a polite message. 24 00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:08,979 Oh, no, I'm sorry. Here is a police message. 25 00:02:10,039 --> 00:02:11,400 There is a message. 26 00:02:12,220 --> 00:02:16,160 Here is a message for Mr. and Mrs. Smith, believed to be spending the 27 00:02:16,160 --> 00:02:20,280 Brighton. Will Mr. Smith please return to his home in Barnet, where his wife, 28 00:02:20,380 --> 00:02:21,840 Mrs. Jackson, is absolutely furious? 29 00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:25,840 Right. Shall we start? 30 00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:27,200 I've started. 31 00:02:45,790 --> 00:02:51,490 Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the face of this congregation to join 32 00:02:51,490 --> 00:02:53,610 together this man and this woman. 33 00:02:55,790 --> 00:02:56,790 Excuse me. 34 00:02:58,090 --> 00:02:59,090 What's the matter? 35 00:02:59,310 --> 00:03:00,390 This isn't the one. 36 00:03:03,250 --> 00:03:06,050 Isn't the one? Which one? This one isn't the one I'm marrying. 37 00:03:09,930 --> 00:03:11,190 Not the one you're marrying? 38 00:03:11,510 --> 00:03:13,190 No, you're not, are you? 39 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:15,760 No, I've never seen her before in all my life. 40 00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:17,280 Have I? 41 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:18,400 No. 42 00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:19,599 Are you sure? 43 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:20,600 Of course I'm sure. 44 00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:22,900 Oh, dear, everybody's looking at us. 45 00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:26,020 Well, what's gone wrong, then? 46 00:03:27,460 --> 00:03:29,880 Could you carry on with the service? Everybody's listening. 47 00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:33,480 I can hardly carry on. Just carry on for a little while, please, to give us some 48 00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:34,480 time to think, would you? 49 00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:37,280 All right. 50 00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:40,820 Which is an honourable estate. 51 00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:45,760 and therefore is not by any to be enterprised nor taken in hand 52 00:03:45,760 --> 00:03:47,020 lightly or wantonly. 53 00:03:47,700 --> 00:03:49,740 But reverently... What are we going to do? 54 00:03:50,700 --> 00:03:54,300 We can't carry on. We've got to stop, haven't we? We've got to stop. I can't. 55 00:03:54,300 --> 00:03:55,300 can't. 56 00:03:55,420 --> 00:03:58,520 I've waited for months for this moment. I've been working up to it. 57 00:04:00,940 --> 00:04:01,940 Well, 58 00:04:02,340 --> 00:04:03,340 so have I. 59 00:04:03,860 --> 00:04:06,060 We've both been working up to it, haven't we? 60 00:04:06,860 --> 00:04:09,040 But we've been working up to it with different people. 61 00:04:11,780 --> 00:04:14,360 My mum will go mad if we cancel it now. 62 00:04:16,279 --> 00:04:18,860 She's got all the sandwiches and sausage rolls ready. 63 00:04:21,399 --> 00:04:24,260 She's doing little things in volleyball cases as well. 64 00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:29,480 Marriage isn't just a question of little things in volleyball cases. 65 00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:35,680 She sat up all night in an armchair so she wouldn't spoil a new hairdo. 66 00:04:38,540 --> 00:04:40,680 I don't know anything about you, do I? 67 00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:43,840 I mean, I don't know what you're like. 68 00:04:47,180 --> 00:04:48,180 How do you mean? 69 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:52,700 Well, what you're like. 70 00:04:54,500 --> 00:04:57,020 You know, what you're like. 71 00:05:00,820 --> 00:05:01,920 What I'm like? 72 00:05:03,380 --> 00:05:04,380 Well, 73 00:05:05,260 --> 00:05:07,620 I can't put any plain idea in front of the vicar. What you're like. 74 00:05:13,070 --> 00:05:14,770 I haven't had any complaints up till now. 75 00:05:16,110 --> 00:05:19,050 Anyway, I don't know what you're like, do I? Well, I'm just like anybody else, 76 00:05:19,110 --> 00:05:20,110 aren't I? 77 00:05:21,290 --> 00:05:22,290 You're very little. 78 00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:26,270 I'm not little, it's you that's big. 79 00:05:29,210 --> 00:05:31,710 Have you decided anything yet? 80 00:05:31,990 --> 00:05:35,050 Because we've come to the part in the service where the whole thing gets a 81 00:05:35,050 --> 00:05:36,050 bit irrevocable now. 82 00:05:37,690 --> 00:05:39,610 It's just that we don't know whether we're suited. 83 00:05:40,470 --> 00:05:41,790 It's a question of size. 84 00:05:48,130 --> 00:05:52,250 May I remind you both that a marriage partner is usually taken on account of 85 00:05:52,250 --> 00:05:53,490 their quality, not quantity. 86 00:05:57,230 --> 00:06:00,190 Well, you'll have to give us a little more time somehow, if you will. All 87 00:06:00,190 --> 00:06:02,330 I'll tell you what. I'll give them a hymn to be going on with. 88 00:06:03,730 --> 00:06:07,470 The congregation will now sing hymn number 798. 89 00:06:08,190 --> 00:06:10,950 A stranger is among us, so shall we let him in. 90 00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:33,600 I love tall girls. 91 00:06:34,180 --> 00:06:35,220 Do you? Yes. 92 00:06:35,740 --> 00:06:37,180 I'm not really tall, you know. 93 00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:39,720 Lie to me. 94 00:06:40,380 --> 00:06:41,380 Yes. 95 00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:45,280 Well, what do you think, then? 96 00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:46,980 Shall we make a go of it? 97 00:06:48,580 --> 00:06:49,740 Well, where would we live? 98 00:06:50,420 --> 00:06:52,440 My dad's bought me a new bungalow. 99 00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:54,080 OK, you're on, then. 100 00:06:58,410 --> 00:07:01,150 All right, Reverend, you can carry on. Yes, we'll just finish this first. 101 00:07:01,450 --> 00:07:08,250 We have met 102 00:07:08,250 --> 00:07:09,250 before, actually. 103 00:07:09,850 --> 00:07:10,850 Really? 104 00:07:11,290 --> 00:07:17,530 Where? Well, do you remember Bobby Upton's party the Christmas before last 105 00:07:17,530 --> 00:07:18,710 we all played sardines? 106 00:07:20,530 --> 00:07:22,510 Yes, were you there then? Yes. 107 00:07:22,970 --> 00:07:27,010 You crawled under the bed I was hiding under. You were the last to be found. 108 00:07:27,850 --> 00:07:28,850 Good gracious. 109 00:07:28,930 --> 00:07:34,150 I didn't recognize you. I was blonde then, and I was lying on my stomach. 110 00:07:35,070 --> 00:07:36,070 Was that you? 111 00:07:36,670 --> 00:07:37,670 Yes. 112 00:07:37,990 --> 00:07:38,990 Oh, good. 113 00:07:58,670 --> 00:08:04,850 Do you, Robin Cyril... Do you, Robin Cyril... Robin Bates... Do you, Robin 114 00:08:04,850 --> 00:08:09,770 Bates... Robin Cyril... Do you, Robin Cyril... Take... Old Mother Thompson... 115 00:08:09,770 --> 00:08:16,390 Take Old Mother Thompson... Mavis Jean... Mavis Jean... Take Mavis Jean 116 00:08:16,390 --> 00:08:21,090 to your local wedding. I always wanted to marry you, ever since I was nine. I 117 00:08:21,090 --> 00:08:24,430 never knew it would finish like this. As long as you both shall live. I do. 118 00:08:26,250 --> 00:08:28,150 And do you, Mavis Jean... 119 00:08:28,410 --> 00:08:31,930 Take Robin Cyril, your wedded husband. What about the other fellow? I never 120 00:08:31,930 --> 00:08:33,830 liked him much. 121 00:08:34,070 --> 00:08:37,970 Anyway, he'll only marry me out of sympathy, really. As long as you both 122 00:08:37,970 --> 00:08:39,350 live. I do. 123 00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:41,770 The ring. 124 00:08:42,570 --> 00:08:43,570 No, 125 00:08:46,110 --> 00:08:47,110 it fits, that's what. 126 00:08:49,490 --> 00:08:55,510 For as much as Robin Cyril and Mavis Jean... What do you mean, marrying you 127 00:08:55,510 --> 00:08:56,510 of sympathy? 128 00:08:56,910 --> 00:08:58,750 He took advantage of me. 129 00:09:00,450 --> 00:09:01,450 Oh. 130 00:09:04,890 --> 00:09:07,810 Well, that doesn't mean you've got to marry him, does it? 131 00:09:08,370 --> 00:09:12,870 Well, I thought it only right. I mean... I pronounce that they be man and wife 132 00:09:12,870 --> 00:09:16,070 together. I've got to give this lot a father, haven't I? 133 00:09:31,950 --> 00:09:33,170 What are you? 134 00:12:46,260 --> 00:12:51,000 Now, a lot of people say to me, you're not doing enough about pollution, and I 135 00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:52,000 say rubbish. 136 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:56,980 And they say you're not doing enough about rubbish, and I say pollution. 137 00:12:57,980 --> 00:13:02,540 Now, to give you an example of our work, we have selected an area for the 138 00:13:02,540 --> 00:13:05,220 disposal of toxic waste, and here it is. 139 00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:07,280 Great Britain. 140 00:13:09,580 --> 00:13:13,840 We're going to divide Britain into two regions, east of sewage and west of 141 00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:14,840 sewage. 142 00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:18,620 Now, I expect you're wondering what these black marks are. 143 00:13:19,420 --> 00:13:24,480 Well, they represent big towns. That's London, that's Birmingham, and that's 144 00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:27,900 Liverpool, and that is the spot where my wife threw ink at me. 145 00:13:28,260 --> 00:13:31,420 Now, let us see what happens in 20 years' time. 146 00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:38,760 As you see now, London... London is now twice as big, Birmingham three times as 147 00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:42,770 big, And the spot where my wife threw ink at me has a population of two 148 00:13:43,630 --> 00:13:47,610 Of course, certain towns will have to be joined together. For instance, Bognor 149 00:13:47,610 --> 00:13:50,790 Regis will join Lyme Regis and be known as Regis Regis. 150 00:13:51,010 --> 00:13:55,990 West Ham will join East Sandwich to form two towns known as West East and Ham 151 00:13:55,990 --> 00:13:56,990 Sandwich. 152 00:13:58,550 --> 00:14:01,330 Staines will join Underhill and be known as Under Staines. 153 00:14:04,210 --> 00:14:06,150 But we won't talk about that. 154 00:14:07,370 --> 00:14:11,330 And Southampton will join Northampton and become one enormous Hampton. 155 00:14:16,130 --> 00:14:21,530 There'll be four Liverpools, three Exeters, and, of course, two Bristols. 156 00:14:23,350 --> 00:14:27,790 But we can't fight pollution without some hardship. Certain things will have 157 00:14:27,790 --> 00:14:29,350 be rationed. Air, for instance. 158 00:14:29,650 --> 00:14:32,730 You will be able to breathe, but not as often as you used to. 159 00:14:33,890 --> 00:14:35,790 There will be a rotor system as follows. 160 00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:42,440 go Monday, Leeds Tuesday, Sheffield Wednesday, London will breathe in on 161 00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:43,900 Thursdays and out on Saturdays. 162 00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:48,240 Sorry, Hastings, your day is February the 29th, bad luck. 163 00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:53,140 Now, this shows the situation in 1999. 164 00:14:54,180 --> 00:14:59,060 The dog represents one million dogs, and the tree represents a tree. 165 00:14:59,380 --> 00:15:03,240 This means that dogs will have to mind their P's and Q's and Q's and O's. 166 00:15:13,590 --> 00:15:14,590 Traffic. 167 00:15:14,830 --> 00:15:16,770 Here is the map of the roads we are planning. 168 00:15:17,430 --> 00:15:19,050 As you see, it's all very simple. 169 00:15:20,450 --> 00:15:24,570 Every single town will be bypassed so you can drive all day without going 170 00:15:24,570 --> 00:15:25,570 anywhere. 171 00:15:26,070 --> 00:15:31,630 The M5 will join the M36 and the M99 will be known as Gloucestershire. 172 00:15:32,490 --> 00:15:35,150 Scotland will be one way northwards into the sea. 173 00:15:37,090 --> 00:15:39,410 And good riddance to them. Now some people... 174 00:15:43,470 --> 00:15:46,510 Some people worry about overpopulation. 175 00:15:46,790 --> 00:15:50,910 Well, we are dealing with this. In fact, in Northumberland, due to a mistake, we 176 00:15:50,910 --> 00:15:53,350 have just sterilized all the milk and pasteurized all the men. 177 00:15:58,350 --> 00:16:02,210 This means there'll be no half -pint bottles and lots of lovely babies with 178 00:16:02,210 --> 00:16:03,210 tops. 179 00:16:04,370 --> 00:16:10,070 As to overcrowding, we calculate that by 1995, everyone will have two square 180 00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:12,050 feet, which will make walking impossible. 181 00:16:15,470 --> 00:16:17,730 let me end on a more optimistic note. 182 00:16:18,830 --> 00:16:25,570 At the moment, there are still five square yards 183 00:16:25,570 --> 00:16:29,550 of common grassland for every member of the population in Great Britain. 184 00:16:29,950 --> 00:16:33,510 So if you would like yours now, please write to me enclosing a stamped address 185 00:16:33,510 --> 00:16:35,310 wheelbarrow and I will forward it to you. 186 00:16:36,090 --> 00:16:40,730 Here is the address, 17 Old Bicycle Street, Mattress Garden City, Rusty 187 00:16:40,730 --> 00:16:41,850 Bedsteadshire. Good night. 188 00:17:27,179 --> 00:17:31,380 Our story starts on the morning of the 1st of April. An apt date, you may 189 00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:33,580 for the strange charade that was about to unfold itself. 190 00:17:33,980 --> 00:17:37,820 Then again, perhaps you may not think that. It's up to you. What you think is 191 00:17:37,820 --> 00:17:38,820 your own affair. 192 00:17:39,900 --> 00:17:44,540 The fact remains that Piggy Malone, private eye and secret eater, was on his 193 00:17:44,540 --> 00:17:45,449 to his office. 194 00:17:45,450 --> 00:17:49,350 situated in the heart of unfashionable Neasden, over a greengrocer's shop in 195 00:17:49,350 --> 00:17:50,350 Harrow Road. 196 00:17:58,270 --> 00:18:02,290 He approached the door at the side of the shop, pausing only to acknowledge 197 00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:03,710 cheery smile of the proprietor. 198 00:18:09,510 --> 00:18:13,210 He mounted the stairs two at a time. 199 00:18:13,530 --> 00:18:16,150 He was in no particular hurry, but it saved wear and tear on the carpet. 200 00:18:17,490 --> 00:18:21,390 He opened the first door on the left and slowed in, a mistake he often made. 201 00:18:21,850 --> 00:18:23,110 Oi, I'm in here. 202 00:18:27,550 --> 00:18:31,310 Waiting for him on that spring morning, as usual, was Malone's trusty assistant, 203 00:18:31,470 --> 00:18:35,930 Charlie Farley, a failed undergraduate, who occasionally rode to hounds and 204 00:18:35,930 --> 00:18:36,970 invariably walked to work. 205 00:18:37,990 --> 00:18:41,270 Without a word, Charlie handed Malone the morning paper. 206 00:18:41,830 --> 00:18:42,830 Here we are, Chief. 207 00:18:43,580 --> 00:18:45,620 Silently, Malone took it. Thank you very much. 208 00:18:47,500 --> 00:18:52,540 There, in the paper, was the first in what was to be a long list of surprises. 209 00:18:56,000 --> 00:19:02,820 A woman's body was found 210 00:19:02,820 --> 00:19:06,420 this morning on Hampstead Heath, strangled with her own garter. 211 00:19:07,540 --> 00:19:10,040 The body is estimated to be about 31. 212 00:19:11,210 --> 00:19:18,070 The legs about 28 and a half and the body... The police 213 00:19:18,070 --> 00:19:21,970 were able to identify the body by a coat of arms tattooed on the lady's back. 214 00:19:22,490 --> 00:19:24,150 A unicorn rampant. 215 00:19:26,330 --> 00:19:30,010 And the family motto, ready when you are. 216 00:19:32,410 --> 00:19:38,210 She was the wealthy lady Brimston of Brimston Grange, Dorset. 217 00:19:38,610 --> 00:19:40,470 Widow of Lord Arthur Brimston. 218 00:19:40,910 --> 00:19:41,910 The treacle millionaire. 219 00:19:43,490 --> 00:19:44,490 Well? 220 00:19:45,210 --> 00:19:46,490 Sounds like a case for us, Chief. 221 00:19:46,750 --> 00:19:47,529 You reckon? 222 00:19:47,530 --> 00:19:50,550 Certainly. I've looked the family up in Bourke's peerage. 223 00:19:51,230 --> 00:19:52,950 Swarms of relatives, all penniless. 224 00:19:53,230 --> 00:19:54,710 Any one of them could have a motive. 225 00:19:55,970 --> 00:19:57,470 She's put her money in treacle. 226 00:19:57,890 --> 00:19:59,750 It's not going to be very easy to get hold of. 227 00:20:01,090 --> 00:20:04,430 And they'll all be there, waiting to contest the will. 228 00:20:05,050 --> 00:20:06,050 Why? 229 00:20:07,950 --> 00:20:09,210 You've forgotten again, Miss Wizard. 230 00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,200 Hi, Mr Malone. I got up in such a hurry this morning. 231 00:20:13,620 --> 00:20:14,620 It's all right. 232 00:20:15,420 --> 00:20:16,640 Bring me a butter bun, would you? 233 00:20:21,380 --> 00:20:22,520 Princeton grade, eh? 234 00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:24,440 Sounds inviting. 235 00:20:24,900 --> 00:20:25,900 Trip to the country? 236 00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:28,680 You've been looking a bit peaky. Change of beer probably do you good. 237 00:20:29,460 --> 00:20:31,500 Anything we ought to finish off here first? 238 00:20:32,100 --> 00:20:33,340 Nothing that can't wait, Chief. 239 00:20:34,020 --> 00:20:35,600 Business hasn't exactly been brick. 240 00:20:36,620 --> 00:20:38,680 A couple of lost pension books. 241 00:20:40,350 --> 00:20:41,670 And, of course, the Mrs. 242 00:20:42,410 --> 00:20:43,410 Thompson poisoning. 243 00:20:43,710 --> 00:20:45,670 Ah, the window box affair, eh? 244 00:20:46,650 --> 00:20:49,410 While she was leaning out of the window, talking to her neighbour at the front, 245 00:20:49,490 --> 00:20:52,950 someone crept round the back and sprayed her prize begonia. And it went yellow. 246 00:20:55,030 --> 00:20:56,030 Well, 247 00:20:56,990 --> 00:20:58,490 we haven't got time to waste on trivialities. 248 00:20:58,750 --> 00:21:01,030 Tell her to put the whole thing in the hands of a solicitor. 249 00:21:01,930 --> 00:21:03,110 We've got a murder to solve. 250 00:21:03,910 --> 00:21:05,470 Strangled with her own garter, eh? 251 00:21:06,070 --> 00:21:07,530 So, we're taking the case, Chief? 252 00:21:07,870 --> 00:21:08,870 Yep. 253 00:21:09,870 --> 00:21:11,450 Well, I'll go and get the motorbike round the front, then. 254 00:21:11,930 --> 00:21:13,170 There's not much to go on, Charlie. 255 00:21:13,710 --> 00:21:15,170 Well, perhaps we'd better go by train, then, eh? 256 00:21:18,130 --> 00:21:19,130 Tell you what. 257 00:21:19,210 --> 00:21:20,210 You go and pack. 258 00:21:20,690 --> 00:21:22,710 Drive down to Brimstone Grange on the motorbike. 259 00:21:22,950 --> 00:21:26,930 I'll phone them, tell them we're coming, and follow by train, and you pick me up 260 00:21:26,930 --> 00:21:28,230 at the station. It's as simple as that. 261 00:21:29,610 --> 00:21:31,710 We should be just in time to catch the funeral. 262 00:22:19,420 --> 00:22:21,580 Sounds like the funerals in full swing. 263 00:22:28,100 --> 00:22:29,360 And so it was. 264 00:22:29,740 --> 00:22:33,540 that Figgy Malone and his intrepid assistant, Charlie Farley, came face to 265 00:22:33,540 --> 00:22:34,540 with the Brimston family. 266 00:22:34,780 --> 00:22:38,320 Surely the most bizarre funeral feast that that detective had ever clapped his 267 00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:38,919 eyes on. 268 00:22:38,920 --> 00:22:43,020 At this moment in time, they were just faces, but faces he would grow to know 269 00:22:43,020 --> 00:22:44,820 and hate before many days had passed. 270 00:22:46,460 --> 00:22:50,680 There was Professor Amos Brimston, the rightful heir, 72 years old, eminent 271 00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:54,800 gynecologist and tug -of -war champion, who at this moment was trying to get his 272 00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:55,800 pet mice drunk. 273 00:22:58,240 --> 00:22:59,280 Next to him... 274 00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:01,100 the Dowager Lady Agatha Brimstone. 275 00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:06,440 Ex -Gaiety Girl, reputed to have been kissed on the lips of Balmoral by Edward 276 00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:08,260 VII and in many other places as well. 277 00:23:11,120 --> 00:23:14,800 Further along the table, young Billy Brimstone with his brand -new blushing 278 00:23:14,800 --> 00:23:18,160 bride, Brenda, busily trying to brief her about the birds and the bees before 279 00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:19,160 bedtime. 280 00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:21,500 Is this a funeral or a wedding? 281 00:23:22,140 --> 00:23:23,440 It's been a boat by the look of it. 282 00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:24,760 Ladies and gentlemen... 283 00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:29,520 As indeed it was. Uncle Joe Brimstone, the bankrupt tycoon who at this moment 284 00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:33,780 toasted the bride and groom, had decided to combine the two occasions in order 285 00:23:33,780 --> 00:23:37,880 to save time and money. It was he himself who had designed the unusual 286 00:23:45,820 --> 00:23:49,320 Two other pairs of eyes watched the proceedings with mixed feelings. 287 00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:53,700 Nellie Tremblay, the dowager's lady companion, and Otto, fan dancer. 288 00:23:54,380 --> 00:23:58,320 A permanent guest in the house ever since he'd been flown over from 289 00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:03,000 1954 by the late Lord Brimstone to act as military advisor in the grouse 290 00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:04,000 shooting season. 291 00:24:04,140 --> 00:24:07,860 It was no secret that Otto was madly in love with Brenda, Billy's bride. 292 00:24:11,760 --> 00:24:17,860 There remained but three people in the room worthy of a more than cursory 293 00:24:17,860 --> 00:24:19,760 before the drama is allowed to unfold itself. 294 00:24:20,040 --> 00:24:22,720 And they were gathered at the far end of the table, drinking heavily. 295 00:24:23,850 --> 00:24:25,150 Pike, the sinister butler. 296 00:24:25,830 --> 00:24:29,890 Dr. Grist, the family physician, an eccentric who had often been found in 297 00:24:29,890 --> 00:24:30,890 with his patients. 298 00:24:31,450 --> 00:24:33,770 And who wore his stethoscope always, even in the bath. 299 00:24:34,070 --> 00:24:39,210 And last, but by no means least, the well -endowed Blanche Brimstone, sister 300 00:24:39,210 --> 00:24:41,550 the deceased, whom they said was like Mount Everest. 301 00:24:42,670 --> 00:24:44,290 She had been conquered few times. 302 00:24:45,490 --> 00:24:49,250 And then, only by men willing to suffer great personal hardship working in 303 00:24:49,250 --> 00:24:50,250 groups of three or four. 304 00:24:53,450 --> 00:24:54,550 Oh, look at that. 305 00:24:54,970 --> 00:24:57,270 They've got cherries on them. 306 00:24:58,410 --> 00:25:04,290 In another part of the grounds, the gardeners went about their duties. 307 00:25:04,770 --> 00:25:08,390 No one knew their names, but they worked with a relentless enthusiasm. 308 00:25:09,230 --> 00:25:13,530 At present, they were in the vegetable garden, engaged in moving a hole from 309 00:25:13,530 --> 00:25:14,530 end to the other. 310 00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:34,440 They worked on little knowing that disaster was about to descend once more 311 00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:35,440 the Brimston household. 312 00:25:58,570 --> 00:25:59,790 Is it murder? 313 00:26:00,750 --> 00:26:02,290 Well, it isn't arson, is it, dear? 314 00:26:03,690 --> 00:26:05,410 I don't want anyone to leave this room. 315 00:26:07,330 --> 00:26:08,330 Oh. 316 00:26:13,430 --> 00:26:14,510 Especially you, madam. 317 00:26:15,350 --> 00:26:16,850 I knew this would happen. 318 00:26:17,610 --> 00:26:21,750 And, actor, you are from Scotland Yard, aren't you? No. 319 00:26:22,450 --> 00:26:23,450 Neaston High Street. 320 00:26:23,750 --> 00:26:24,750 Leave him alone. 321 00:26:25,090 --> 00:26:26,710 There's something I must show you. 322 00:26:26,910 --> 00:26:28,430 Come to my bedroom while we've got the chance. 323 00:26:29,770 --> 00:26:30,770 Right. 324 00:26:31,130 --> 00:26:33,170 Soon you'll realise what I've been through. 325 00:26:33,970 --> 00:26:34,970 Yes. 326 00:26:35,130 --> 00:26:36,130 Very good, madam. 327 00:26:37,850 --> 00:26:40,090 Charlie, you stay here and look after the body. 328 00:26:41,250 --> 00:26:44,090 If I'm not down in an hour, send her a couple of pork pies, would you? 329 00:26:47,430 --> 00:26:50,130 Questions tumbled over each other in Malone's teething brain. 330 00:26:50,590 --> 00:26:52,130 What did Blanche know of the murder? 331 00:26:52,570 --> 00:26:54,310 What was she going to show him in the bedroom? 332 00:26:55,040 --> 00:26:57,500 Had he got clean underwear on? Had he cancelled the bill? 333 00:26:59,060 --> 00:27:00,600 One thing was certain. 334 00:27:00,900 --> 00:27:03,940 There would be very little sleep for Malone that night. 335 00:27:29,800 --> 00:27:31,400 I think I'm gonna cry. 336 00:27:32,120 --> 00:27:33,700 Bye -bye, love. 337 00:27:34,620 --> 00:27:36,580 Bye -bye, sweet courage. 338 00:27:37,360 --> 00:27:38,720 Hello, emptiness. 339 00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:44,360 I feel like I could die. There goes my baby with someone new. 340 00:27:45,100 --> 00:27:47,020 She sure looks happy. 341 00:27:47,420 --> 00:27:49,280 I sure am blue. 342 00:27:49,900 --> 00:27:54,360 She was my baby till he stepped in. 343 00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:58,660 Goodbye to romance that might have been. 344 00:28:00,460 --> 00:28:02,080 Bye -bye, love. 345 00:28:02,900 --> 00:28:04,780 Bye -bye, happiness. 346 00:28:05,700 --> 00:28:07,180 Hello, loneliness. 347 00:28:07,500 --> 00:28:09,160 I think I'm gonna cry. 348 00:28:09,780 --> 00:28:11,460 Bye -bye, love. 349 00:28:12,340 --> 00:28:14,200 Bye -bye, sweet dreams. 350 00:28:15,040 --> 00:28:16,500 Hello, emptiness. 351 00:28:16,940 --> 00:28:20,180 I feel like I could die. I'm free from romance. 352 00:28:20,520 --> 00:28:22,120 I'm free of love. 353 00:28:22,960 --> 00:28:26,740 I'm free of counting the stars above. 354 00:28:27,880 --> 00:28:31,600 And here's the reason that I'm so free. 355 00:29:21,279 --> 00:29:26,020 I don't know why I said thank you there, but before I go... Well, I said it. It 356 00:29:26,020 --> 00:29:27,020 slipped out and I said it. 357 00:29:27,160 --> 00:29:34,140 Before I go any further, I must tell you a very, very funny story about this 358 00:29:34,140 --> 00:29:38,700 chap who has just moved into a new house. Now, it's rather a coincidence 359 00:29:38,700 --> 00:29:43,180 I myself have just moved into a new house. Well, not only me, you know, but 360 00:29:43,180 --> 00:29:44,640 wife and children, you know. 361 00:29:46,120 --> 00:29:47,600 I'd like to know who gave them the address. 362 00:29:51,690 --> 00:29:56,030 Actually, I got an idea that the old place might be down for redevelopment 363 00:29:56,030 --> 00:30:00,610 I came home one night and found two men marking out a motorway on the living 364 00:30:00,610 --> 00:30:01,610 room carpet. 365 00:30:02,530 --> 00:30:08,430 Now, they tell me it'll be the new M21 and it will take 45 minutes off the 366 00:30:08,430 --> 00:30:11,470 journey from Slough Labour Exchange to the Royal Yacht Club at Cowes. 367 00:30:13,270 --> 00:30:16,410 And vice versa, of course. 368 00:30:17,790 --> 00:30:18,790 Sorry, 369 00:30:18,990 --> 00:30:20,130 I seem to be getting away from the subject. 370 00:30:21,020 --> 00:30:24,560 I do that sometimes. I sometimes wish that I'd kept on with that course on 371 00:30:24,560 --> 00:30:25,560 positive thinking. 372 00:30:25,660 --> 00:30:28,440 I did it for two years and I couldn't make up my mind whether to stop or not. 373 00:30:30,080 --> 00:30:32,680 Anyway, we are now in the new house. 374 00:30:33,020 --> 00:30:36,200 Of course, we are having some teething troubles with it. Well, you know, who 375 00:30:36,200 --> 00:30:39,500 doesn't with the new house? We've had a little bit of shrinkage in the woodwork. 376 00:30:40,320 --> 00:30:43,120 Last night, someone put his arm under the front door and stole the mat. 377 00:30:49,680 --> 00:30:50,720 And the dining room table. 378 00:30:52,860 --> 00:30:57,900 Actually, the dining room is a little bit pokey. 379 00:30:58,460 --> 00:31:00,300 Actually, at first I thought it was a secret passage. 380 00:31:01,600 --> 00:31:06,320 And you're not going to believe this, but the telephone hasn't stopped ringing 381 00:31:06,320 --> 00:31:07,680 since we moved in. 382 00:31:08,120 --> 00:31:10,160 We were on a party line with the ICI. 383 00:31:11,640 --> 00:31:18,580 Now, my wife, my wife, tall, well -built, blue hat. 384 00:31:19,000 --> 00:31:20,000 I tell her lie. 385 00:31:20,540 --> 00:31:21,940 Sorry, I tell her lie. Green hat. 386 00:31:22,800 --> 00:31:24,440 I keep getting her mixed up with the postman. 387 00:31:25,560 --> 00:31:30,240 Anyway, she has settled down very well indeed. 388 00:31:30,620 --> 00:31:34,000 She's joined the East Grinstead Cooperative Vivisection Society. 389 00:31:35,340 --> 00:31:37,280 They meet in the co -op and pull people to pieces. 390 00:31:40,960 --> 00:31:46,660 And she's also treasurer of the Young Wives Fund for the restoration of the 391 00:31:46,660 --> 00:31:47,660 milkman. 392 00:31:49,370 --> 00:31:53,230 I personally don't go in much for joining this and joining that. I used 393 00:31:53,230 --> 00:31:56,830 be honest with you, I used to belong to the Duke of Clarence homeward bound 394 00:31:56,830 --> 00:32:00,190 scheme. If it was closing time in the Duke of Clarence and you couldn't walk, 395 00:32:00,250 --> 00:32:01,250 they'd put you in a taxi. 396 00:32:03,630 --> 00:32:09,050 I'm still a member of the Hurlingham Ferret Down Your Trousers Club. 397 00:32:10,910 --> 00:32:13,890 It's a little bit of fun, you know, we meet once a month and put a ferret down 398 00:32:13,890 --> 00:32:14,890 our trousers. 399 00:32:16,330 --> 00:32:18,950 I think it's sponsored by the Family Planning Association. 400 00:32:23,690 --> 00:32:27,070 Now, don't try it, will you? 401 00:32:27,790 --> 00:32:32,850 One advantage of the new house, I must be honest, is the kiddies' school, which 402 00:32:32,850 --> 00:32:36,370 is just a stone's throw down the road. Now, it's a very, very nice school 403 00:32:36,370 --> 00:32:38,670 indeed. It's the St. Lillian Skinners. 404 00:32:41,200 --> 00:32:43,820 Lillian Skinner's for children of the well -shod gentry. 405 00:32:44,340 --> 00:32:47,300 And it's run by the Order of the Little Sisters of the Rich. 406 00:32:47,600 --> 00:32:53,980 Now, the accent is not so much on learning. It's not so much on learning 407 00:32:53,980 --> 00:32:57,840 on carriage and deportment. They turn out a very high percentage of lollipop 408 00:32:57,840 --> 00:32:59,200 ladies and effeminate gas fitters. 409 00:33:03,020 --> 00:33:06,520 Which brings me rather cleverly to... 410 00:33:07,280 --> 00:33:12,380 say that rather pompously, which brings me rather ordinarily to what I was going 411 00:33:12,380 --> 00:33:19,060 to tell you about this gas fitter who has moved into the new house. Now, he 412 00:33:19,060 --> 00:33:22,040 to the front garden the first morning and the chap next door comes out of his 413 00:33:22,040 --> 00:33:25,360 garage and says to him, would you mind very much, would you mind very much 414 00:33:25,360 --> 00:33:28,860 helping me start my car and have a bit of a bother? So he follows the chap into 415 00:33:28,860 --> 00:33:31,960 the garage and there's no car there, just a chair in the middle of the floor. 416 00:33:32,240 --> 00:33:34,800 The chap gives him a starting handle and says, you know, give it a turn. 417 00:33:35,390 --> 00:33:38,230 So he goes through the motions, you know, he goes to the front, goes boom, 418 00:33:38,230 --> 00:33:41,630 boom, and the chap sitting in the chair suddenly goes boom, boom, boom, boom, 419 00:33:41,670 --> 00:33:44,970 boom, jumps out of the chair and runs off down the road. 420 00:33:45,330 --> 00:33:50,670 While the neighbour, the neighbour from the other side walks into the garage and 421 00:33:50,670 --> 00:33:53,030 said, did you help him start his car? 422 00:33:53,630 --> 00:33:56,910 The chap said, yes, he said, as a matter of fact, I did. He said, did you notice 423 00:33:56,910 --> 00:33:59,330 that he hasn't, you know, got a car? 424 00:33:59,870 --> 00:34:00,870 The chap said, well... 425 00:34:01,260 --> 00:34:04,500 As a matter of fact, he said, I did. I did, yes. 426 00:34:04,760 --> 00:34:08,080 He said, well, don't tell him, will you, please, because I get a pound a week 427 00:34:08,080 --> 00:34:09,080 for cleaning it. 428 00:34:46,280 --> 00:34:48,679 Thank you. 429 00:34:51,880 --> 00:34:53,100 Thank you. 430 00:35:03,520 --> 00:35:05,160 Thank you. 431 00:35:06,160 --> 00:35:07,840 We don't allow it around. 432 00:35:09,120 --> 00:35:11,560 If you've got the energy, 433 00:35:12,300 --> 00:35:15,540 why not come round to our camping ground? 434 00:35:15,900 --> 00:35:17,180 Ho! Ho! 435 00:35:17,600 --> 00:35:18,900 Ho! Ho! Ho! 436 00:35:19,180 --> 00:35:24,220 We're dripping to life with a song in our hearts, and we all know our parts, 437 00:35:24,220 --> 00:35:29,200 that when trouble starts, we will be there, boys, and we will be keen, 438 00:35:29,200 --> 00:35:31,540 we're doing it all for the Queen. 439 00:35:32,640 --> 00:35:34,960 We're not easy riders. 440 00:35:37,710 --> 00:35:39,990 Thank you. 441 00:36:08,180 --> 00:36:14,000 Skipper Chuck Ferris welcoming you to another jamboree show. And I... I 442 00:36:14,000 --> 00:36:18,180 hope you're all going to be ready to go because I know we're all going to have a 443 00:36:18,180 --> 00:36:19,180 lot of fun. 444 00:36:19,560 --> 00:36:24,260 Well, with me tonight, as usual, is your old friend, Pastor Gunnersbury. 445 00:36:24,840 --> 00:36:25,840 Hi there, 446 00:36:27,560 --> 00:36:28,560 listeners. 447 00:36:32,200 --> 00:36:35,220 And now, in more serious mood... 448 00:36:36,940 --> 00:36:43,820 Buster Gunnersbury is joined by young Roger Hopkins in a very dramatic 449 00:36:43,820 --> 00:36:46,540 entitled, Be a chap with a purpose. 450 00:36:50,740 --> 00:36:51,820 All right, lad. 451 00:36:53,000 --> 00:36:56,060 Do you want to tell me why you stole the chocolate biscuit? 452 00:36:57,480 --> 00:36:58,580 Were you hungry? 453 00:36:59,760 --> 00:37:02,080 No, sir, just something to do. 454 00:37:02,540 --> 00:37:03,600 Something to do? 455 00:37:04,590 --> 00:37:06,610 You're just wasting your life, Roger. 456 00:37:07,130 --> 00:37:12,090 You'd better pull yourself together, son, and take this good advice from me. 457 00:37:13,590 --> 00:37:18,030 Be a chap with a purpose. Be a fellow with an aim. 458 00:37:18,310 --> 00:37:22,750 Though life's a moving target, try to hit it just the same. 459 00:37:23,230 --> 00:37:27,570 Take up the bow of honesty, screw up your strength and pull. 460 00:37:28,370 --> 00:37:32,610 And in the field of cleanliness, you're bound to hit a ball. 461 00:37:34,220 --> 00:37:37,860 Be a man who is merry. Be a guy who is gay. 462 00:37:38,360 --> 00:37:42,820 And if life seems topsy -turvy, try it up the other way. 463 00:37:44,660 --> 00:37:50,820 If you're in a narrow tunnel and it's black and you are blue, if you've a 464 00:37:50,820 --> 00:37:53,400 at the other end, he's bound to pull you through. 465 00:37:54,760 --> 00:37:58,840 Be a gent who is gentle. Be a pal who isn't proud. 466 00:37:59,280 --> 00:38:02,600 Don't try to be a big knob or stand out in the crowd. 467 00:38:03,440 --> 00:38:10,060 But if a chum falls on hard times, just offer him your hand and let him grasp it 468 00:38:10,060 --> 00:38:12,620 firmly. It will make you both feel grand. 469 00:38:15,500 --> 00:38:21,800 So remember, as you go through life and travel near or far, it isn't what you 470 00:38:21,800 --> 00:38:25,240 say or think or what you do or are. 471 00:38:25,700 --> 00:38:28,560 It's what you think. It's what you say. 472 00:38:28,780 --> 00:38:30,720 It's what you are and do. 473 00:38:31,950 --> 00:38:37,910 Just live by that, and then you'll stay alive your whole life through. 474 00:38:44,150 --> 00:38:45,150 Thank you. 475 00:38:48,470 --> 00:38:49,470 Thank you. 476 00:38:50,270 --> 00:38:51,270 Thank you. 477 00:38:51,330 --> 00:38:56,870 And now, lads and lasses, Skipper Chuck Ferris is going to do his well -known 478 00:38:56,870 --> 00:38:58,690 take -off skit of Mrs. 479 00:38:58,970 --> 00:39:00,270 Golightly. Come on, Chuck. 480 00:39:08,230 --> 00:39:09,230 Oh, dear. 481 00:39:09,330 --> 00:39:11,650 Oh, I've had a day, you know. Oh, I've had such a day. 482 00:39:11,950 --> 00:39:16,830 I just ran into my friend, Elty, you know, the one with the waitress, you 483 00:39:16,850 --> 00:39:17,629 and got the sack. 484 00:39:17,630 --> 00:39:19,110 Because she was caught with her fingers in the tail. 485 00:39:20,070 --> 00:39:21,310 Thought the change would do her good. 486 00:39:23,050 --> 00:39:25,870 She says to me, she says to me, no, don't. She says to me, Doris, she says 487 00:39:25,870 --> 00:39:31,070 me, Doris, I'm very concerned, she said, because she said, my fiancé, Bob, you 488 00:39:31,070 --> 00:39:34,270 know my fiancé, Bob, she said, well, he's Marine, she said, and I've just 489 00:39:34,270 --> 00:39:38,170 discovered that that means he's half soldier and half sailor, she said to me. 490 00:39:38,550 --> 00:39:40,550 She said, do you think I should still marry him? 491 00:39:40,920 --> 00:39:44,320 I said, well, provided both have come home and leave at the same time, I 492 00:39:44,320 --> 00:39:45,320 shouldn't worry. 493 00:39:45,920 --> 00:39:49,160 Little Billy Pratt, what a funny fella. 494 00:39:49,420 --> 00:39:52,400 So bananas along the street, they were so big and yellow. 495 00:39:52,680 --> 00:39:57,120 They soon became quite famous, and wherever people met, they vowed they 496 00:39:57,120 --> 00:40:02,600 rightest and the best they'd ever ate. And now throughout the land, you'll find 497 00:40:02,600 --> 00:40:04,240 them near at hand. 498 00:40:04,800 --> 00:40:09,160 You see, well, if you go there to start... 499 00:40:09,770 --> 00:40:12,410 Thank you. 500 00:40:39,710 --> 00:40:41,890 I give them in return our Billy Pratt's bananas. 501 00:40:42,230 --> 00:40:44,990 Hey, all those good listeners, return our Billy Pratt's bananas. 502 00:40:50,450 --> 00:40:51,450 Well, 503 00:40:55,970 --> 00:40:59,030 that's it, folks. Once again, the old clock's beaten us and it's time to say 504 00:40:59,030 --> 00:41:00,110 goodnight. Come on, Chuck. 505 00:41:00,330 --> 00:41:01,410 Get your lipstick off. 506 00:41:02,550 --> 00:41:03,970 Say cheerio, everybody. 507 00:41:04,270 --> 00:41:05,270 Cheerio, everybody. 508 00:41:05,290 --> 00:41:06,288 That's right. 509 00:41:06,290 --> 00:41:07,910 And from all of us... 510 00:41:08,910 --> 00:41:13,390 From all of us, from all of us gangsters here, it's good luck till we meet 511 00:41:13,390 --> 00:41:16,230 again, and don't forget, stay bright, do right. 512 00:41:16,470 --> 00:41:18,170 Don't get tight, or hire the kite. 513 00:41:18,390 --> 00:41:22,090 Try not to fight, stay home at night, keep out of sight, and you'll be all 514 00:41:22,090 --> 00:41:23,590 right. Good night! 515 00:41:38,800 --> 00:41:43,280 We are not easy riders. 516 00:41:43,860 --> 00:41:50,120 We're just a load of countrysiders sailing along with the wind in our hair. 517 00:42:22,030 --> 00:42:26,470 That's it for this week. On the show next week, we'll be discussing Mae 518 00:42:26,470 --> 00:42:30,790 film career with WC Fields and asking, was she using WC as a convenience? 519 00:42:36,470 --> 00:42:39,570 Basil Brush will be telling you where he gets his brushes. 520 00:42:40,610 --> 00:42:43,130 Wilfred Pickles will be telling you where he gets his pickles. 521 00:42:44,150 --> 00:42:46,150 And Simon Oates won't be saying anything. 522 00:42:54,830 --> 00:42:59,650 In Kettering last night, a police constable, thought to be drunk in charge 523 00:42:59,650 --> 00:43:02,310 breathalyser, was made to blow into a pink saloon car. 524 00:43:05,670 --> 00:43:11,030 And in the West Midhurst nursing home, the seats have been removed from all the 525 00:43:11,030 --> 00:43:15,590 toilets. The nursing staff are furious, commented one nurse, we stand for a lot 526 00:43:15,590 --> 00:43:17,210 of things, but we're just not standing with that. 527 00:43:19,670 --> 00:43:24,010 And now, it's goodnight from me, and it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.