1 00:00:26,825 --> 00:00:27,867 Yeah? 2 00:00:27,992 --> 00:00:30,325 No, sit properly like you're gonna mean it, 3 00:00:30,450 --> 00:00:31,908 ...like you mean it. 4 00:00:32,825 --> 00:00:35,408 No, Waj, don't muck about. 5 00:00:35,533 --> 00:00:37,033 Cos the battery's gonna go. Sit... 6 00:00:37,158 --> 00:00:38,825 Who's mucking about, Barry? I'm not mucking about. 7 00:00:38,950 --> 00:00:40,200 Well, you can't sit like that. 8 00:00:40,283 --> 00:00:41,492 What's wrong with how he's sitting, Barry? 9 00:00:41,617 --> 00:00:43,158 Come and have a look. It's wrong. 10 00:00:43,283 --> 00:00:44,575 There's nothing wrong with it. 11 00:00:44,700 --> 00:00:46,575 - Not you! - Show me. 12 00:00:46,700 --> 00:00:49,367 No! Right, what are you looking at? 13 00:00:49,492 --> 00:00:50,825 There's nothing there. 14 00:00:50,950 --> 00:00:53,117 No, there's nothing there. Go and sit down. 15 00:00:53,242 --> 00:00:56,158 - You can't see yourself, you mug! - I thought you were recording it. 16 00:00:56,283 --> 00:00:57,825 Right, sit, sit. 17 00:00:57,950 --> 00:00:59,908 - Faisal, go away. - I'm ready, I'm ready. 18 00:01:00,033 --> 00:01:02,617 - All right. - Waj, just relax your face. 19 00:01:02,742 --> 00:01:05,617 Focus on what you're going to say. Get on with it. 20 00:01:05,742 --> 00:01:07,783 - Go, before the battery goes. - One, two... 21 00:01:07,908 --> 00:01:09,367 Three... action! 22 00:01:09,492 --> 00:01:11,908 Ey up, you unbelieving kuffar bastards. 23 00:01:12,033 --> 00:01:14,533 - I'm gonna turn you baked beans... - No, no, no. 24 00:01:15,367 --> 00:01:17,492 - What? - What's with the gun? 25 00:01:22,325 --> 00:01:25,325 - Proper replica, man. - What for? Action Man? 26 00:01:25,450 --> 00:01:27,200 Replica AK-47. 27 00:01:27,325 --> 00:01:29,700 - It's too small, man. - Not too small, brother. 28 00:01:30,325 --> 00:01:32,158 - My hands. - Waj... 29 00:01:32,283 --> 00:01:33,742 Big hands. 30 00:01:33,867 --> 00:01:35,408 He can't do it with that gun. 31 00:01:35,533 --> 00:01:37,742 Shut up, Barry. Try it without, our kid, and let's go. 32 00:01:37,783 --> 00:01:38,908 It's too small, believe me. 33 00:01:39,033 --> 00:01:40,867 I'll hold it near the camera. That'll bigger it. 34 00:01:40,992 --> 00:01:43,242 - That'll what? - That'll bigger it. 35 00:01:44,408 --> 00:01:47,283 - Yeah. - Go now. 36 00:01:47,408 --> 00:01:49,367 Ey up, you unbelieving kuffar bastards. 37 00:01:49,492 --> 00:01:52,700 No, no, no! This is absolutely stupid. 38 00:01:53,783 --> 00:01:56,325 These are the outtakes. You know, the bloopers. 39 00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:59,117 - He looks good. - Today is a wake-up call. 40 00:02:00,283 --> 00:02:03,075 Today is an opportunity for you to look in the mirror... 41 00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:06,700 ...at western imperialist culture. 42 00:02:06,825 --> 00:02:08,992 Superficial materialism... 43 00:02:09,117 --> 00:02:12,658 ...ends at the capitalist church of McDonald's. 44 00:02:12,783 --> 00:02:15,367 Flipping idiots. 45 00:02:15,492 --> 00:02:18,908 It's as though you just had a Big Mac, completely oblivious to the amount... 46 00:02:19,033 --> 00:02:21,950 Complete flipping idiots. 47 00:02:22,075 --> 00:02:25,492 You could've gone Chicken Cottage, proper halal, 48 00:02:25,617 --> 00:02:27,658 ...bargain bucket £6.99. 49 00:02:27,783 --> 00:02:30,658 - What are you talking about? - I'm talking about Chicken Cottage. 50 00:02:30,783 --> 00:02:34,492 - There's one where he doesn't say that. - Your bit's good, Dad. 51 00:02:36,492 --> 00:02:37,533 Take the box off. 52 00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:39,825 I can't show my face cos it's an image. 53 00:02:39,950 --> 00:02:41,158 And images aren't allowed. 54 00:02:41,283 --> 00:02:42,492 You know what? They're all bloopers. 55 00:02:42,617 --> 00:02:44,325 Take the box off. 56 00:02:44,450 --> 00:02:47,242 What am I going to do if he does that at the camp? 57 00:02:47,367 --> 00:02:49,242 Is Uncle Faisal ready to go to Pakistan? 58 00:02:49,367 --> 00:02:52,992 You can't do your jihadi video with a box on your head. 59 00:02:53,117 --> 00:02:54,117 No way. 60 00:03:25,075 --> 00:03:28,117 Ran 23K on the weekend. 61 00:03:28,242 --> 00:03:29,992 6K Saturday morning. 62 00:03:30,117 --> 00:03:34,825 Had a light lunch: Snack-a-Jacks and a medium apple. 63 00:03:34,950 --> 00:03:38,617 5K in the afternoon, cos obviously it was after lunch, so... 64 00:03:39,575 --> 00:03:41,492 Same again Sunday. 65 00:03:43,325 --> 00:03:46,825 Although in the afternoon I only did 4K cos I'd had a roast. 66 00:03:47,658 --> 00:03:51,783 Would've gone further, you know, but I started to run a bit lopsided. 67 00:03:51,908 --> 00:03:55,242 I'm not slagging my right leg off, but my left leg is definitely stronger. 68 00:03:56,783 --> 00:03:59,700 I think lefty just wants it more, you know. 69 00:03:59,825 --> 00:04:01,825 Right leg's bone idle. 70 00:04:01,950 --> 00:04:04,533 He'll just wait there, let lefty pick up the slack. 71 00:04:04,658 --> 00:04:06,950 Before you know it, you're running in curves. 72 00:04:09,158 --> 00:04:11,825 I'm going to have to put my foot down, you know. 73 00:04:11,950 --> 00:04:15,950 Really show him who's boss. Yeah. Know what I mean? 74 00:04:16,075 --> 00:04:18,450 You do know you can talk to your legs, don't you? 75 00:04:18,575 --> 00:04:20,617 - I need tomorrow off. - What? 76 00:04:20,742 --> 00:04:23,575 I need tomorrow off, and the two weeks after that. 77 00:04:23,700 --> 00:04:26,783 Jesus, I thought you were serious about this job, Omar. 78 00:04:26,908 --> 00:04:28,992 I've got to go to a wedding in Pakistan. 79 00:04:29,117 --> 00:04:32,158 You've got to ask yourself where you'll be in five years' time. 80 00:04:32,283 --> 00:04:36,075 - It's an emergency. - What, an emergency wedding? 81 00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:38,325 Like a shotgun wedding? 82 00:04:38,450 --> 00:04:40,658 Like a shotgun wedding, yeah. 83 00:04:40,783 --> 00:04:42,033 Right. 84 00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:46,533 Well, I'll have a look at the rota. 85 00:04:51,450 --> 00:04:54,367 The Feds can track your phone even if the battery's out. 86 00:04:54,492 --> 00:04:58,450 - Really? - Really. They can see you underground, right? 87 00:04:58,575 --> 00:05:00,575 Can they see you if you're not there? 88 00:05:00,700 --> 00:05:02,450 Where's there? 89 00:05:02,575 --> 00:05:04,033 I don't know. 90 00:05:04,158 --> 00:05:05,658 They can see you everywhere, Waj. 91 00:05:05,783 --> 00:05:07,408 Are they looking at us through cameras? 92 00:05:07,533 --> 00:05:10,075 - Space cameras, yes. - But... 93 00:05:11,033 --> 00:05:14,117 My dad says I'm not supposed to be on camera. It's haram. 94 00:05:14,242 --> 00:05:17,533 With the greatest of respect, Faisal, your dad eats newspaper. 95 00:05:17,658 --> 00:05:20,367 - Not any more. He eats moths. - Exactly, bro. 96 00:05:20,492 --> 00:05:23,950 Look, the way to stop the Feds tracking you is very simple. 97 00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:29,033 You eat your SIM card. Get your SIM cards out. 98 00:05:29,158 --> 00:05:32,617 You remove the SIM card and... Yes? 99 00:05:32,742 --> 00:05:37,325 - Can I cook mine? - No. You must eat it raw, like this. 100 00:05:45,450 --> 00:05:47,283 Good boys. 101 00:05:47,783 --> 00:05:48,617 Salaam, lads. 102 00:05:48,742 --> 00:05:50,450 Walaykum asalaam. 103 00:05:50,575 --> 00:05:52,908 - Right. - We're eating our SIM cards. 104 00:05:53,033 --> 00:05:54,783 Anti-surveillance. 105 00:05:54,908 --> 00:05:56,658 You know they still work inside you, Barry. 106 00:05:56,742 --> 00:05:58,658 - Eh? - They can still track them inside you. 107 00:05:58,783 --> 00:06:00,742 That's not going to be very helpful in Pakistan. 108 00:06:01,408 --> 00:06:04,200 - What? - In Pakistan. 109 00:06:04,325 --> 00:06:05,825 Answered the call, bro. 110 00:06:05,950 --> 00:06:07,283 - What call? - Training camp. 111 00:06:08,742 --> 00:06:10,533 We're upgrading. 112 00:06:10,658 --> 00:06:11,908 We're going. 113 00:06:12,033 --> 00:06:14,408 Why did you get the call? Why didn't I get the call? 114 00:06:14,533 --> 00:06:16,825 You don't have an uncle in Pakistan last time I checked. 115 00:06:16,867 --> 00:06:19,367 You got an uncle in Folkstone. Are there any training camps in Folkstone? 116 00:06:19,492 --> 00:06:22,075 Why do we need a training camp, anyway? We're primed. 117 00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:24,950 We don't need some tramp up a mountain, telling us to set a fuse. 118 00:06:25,075 --> 00:06:28,200 We don't need some Paki Steptoe telling us when to go. 119 00:06:28,325 --> 00:06:29,783 You're right, Barry. We can go whenever we want. 120 00:06:29,908 --> 00:06:31,450 Exactly. Whenever we want, bro. 121 00:06:31,575 --> 00:06:35,117 Yeah, if you want to be some kind of sad loner trenchcoat mafia twazzock. 122 00:06:35,242 --> 00:06:36,283 What do you mean? 123 00:06:36,408 --> 00:06:40,158 What I mean is, you can either be a stupid nutter Muslim... 124 00:06:40,283 --> 00:06:43,283 ...who blows a bag full of nails into his own guts at a toilet at TGI's, 125 00:06:43,408 --> 00:06:47,908 ...or you can be a proper soldier in the Mujahideen. 126 00:06:48,033 --> 00:06:50,783 - I'm already in the Mujahideen. - No, you're not, bro. 127 00:06:50,908 --> 00:06:52,867 No, not until you join the army... 128 00:06:52,992 --> 00:06:54,492 ...and hold the sword... 129 00:06:54,617 --> 00:06:57,283 ...and touch the sky - proper chain of command, 130 00:06:57,408 --> 00:06:59,575 ...right to the very top. 131 00:07:01,617 --> 00:07:04,242 - All right, I'm coming. - Oh, you want Paki Steptoe now? 132 00:07:04,367 --> 00:07:06,492 Listen, I am the most Al Qaeda one here. 133 00:07:06,617 --> 00:07:08,450 Think of the group. Think of what we're trying to do. 134 00:07:08,575 --> 00:07:10,867 It's best you stay here, bro. 135 00:07:10,992 --> 00:07:13,033 You're a liability and you're a loose cannon. 136 00:07:13,158 --> 00:07:14,867 Bollocks, I'm a liability. 137 00:07:14,992 --> 00:07:16,367 I am the invisible Jihadi. 138 00:07:16,492 --> 00:07:17,867 They seek him here, they seek him there. 139 00:07:17,992 --> 00:07:20,658 But he's not there, he's blowing up your slag sister. 140 00:07:20,783 --> 00:07:22,325 - Invisible? - Yeah. 141 00:07:22,450 --> 00:07:25,450 Like the time you got on the local news for baking a Twin Towers cake... 142 00:07:25,575 --> 00:07:27,575 ...and leaving it at the synagogue on 9/11? 143 00:07:27,700 --> 00:07:28,950 That is part of the plan. 144 00:07:29,075 --> 00:07:31,408 Hide in plain sight, you mug. 145 00:07:31,533 --> 00:07:33,450 And I am coming! 146 00:07:44,242 --> 00:07:46,575 You realise, if I don't come with you to Pakistan, bro, 147 00:07:46,700 --> 00:07:47,950 Islam is finished. 148 00:07:48,075 --> 00:07:50,700 Listen, bro, we need you over here to keep a lid on things. 149 00:07:50,825 --> 00:07:52,492 So what if I'm not here? 150 00:07:52,617 --> 00:07:56,033 Cos I've bought a ticket at the airport to come with you anyways. 151 00:07:56,158 --> 00:07:57,367 You want to come, Fess? 152 00:07:57,492 --> 00:08:01,158 Yeah, it's just... my dad's seeing creatures that's not there. 153 00:08:01,283 --> 00:08:03,242 - So he'll keep it ticking over here, bro. - Barry, listen. 154 00:08:03,367 --> 00:08:05,700 - If you answer this question, you can come. - All right. 155 00:08:09,658 --> 00:08:12,575 Don't fuck with me, man! 156 00:08:12,700 --> 00:08:15,617 Don't fuck with Azzam al Britani! 157 00:08:18,617 --> 00:08:20,700 Barry, what are you doing? 158 00:08:20,825 --> 00:08:22,617 Barry, this is crazy. 159 00:08:22,742 --> 00:08:27,033 - Barry, what are you doing? - Right, if I'm not going, no one is. 160 00:08:29,075 --> 00:08:30,325 Spit it out. 161 00:08:34,158 --> 00:08:35,617 It's gone down his neck. 162 00:08:35,742 --> 00:08:36,658 Right, frog him. 163 00:08:36,783 --> 00:08:39,158 - Frog him in the back. - Omar, we agreed, no frogging. 164 00:08:39,283 --> 00:08:42,200 That was before you swallowed the key. Every time I've had to frog you. 165 00:08:42,283 --> 00:08:44,367 - Listen, we... - Come on. Come on. 166 00:08:45,242 --> 00:08:46,450 We said no frogging! 167 00:08:47,992 --> 00:08:50,450 What if you get caught? I'm not going down. 168 00:08:50,575 --> 00:08:52,783 Just cos you can't take a drill in the kneecap. 169 00:08:52,908 --> 00:08:54,825 They'll crack you like babies' fingers. 170 00:08:54,950 --> 00:08:57,492 They'll pump you full of Viagra, make you fuck a dog. 171 00:08:57,992 --> 00:08:59,492 Good prattle, Barry. 172 00:09:04,575 --> 00:09:07,117 You'll end up on YouTube, blowing Lassie in a ditch. 173 00:09:17,533 --> 00:09:20,283 Are they gonna make me fuck a dog out there, brother Omar? 174 00:09:20,408 --> 00:09:21,492 My uncle's connected out there. 175 00:09:21,617 --> 00:09:23,200 Only time we're going to see cops is for weapons upgrade. 176 00:09:23,325 --> 00:09:26,033 All right, Omar, I'm letting you go to Pakistan. 177 00:09:26,158 --> 00:09:28,325 My unit stays here. 178 00:09:28,450 --> 00:09:30,867 - But my unit's the main unit. - Barry, shut up, mate. 179 00:09:30,992 --> 00:09:34,033 Because I tell you, your little brain cell might go off now and again, 180 00:09:34,158 --> 00:09:35,617 ...but if your hands even go to move... 181 00:09:35,742 --> 00:09:37,617 ...and you try setting up the Islamic state of Tinsley again, 182 00:09:37,742 --> 00:09:39,617 ...going to university lectures, opening your big mouth, 183 00:09:39,742 --> 00:09:41,992 ...buying some more silver nitrate from Amazon, 184 00:09:42,117 --> 00:09:43,158 I'm gonna rip your plugs out. 185 00:09:43,283 --> 00:09:44,700 Not if you're not here, you won't. 186 00:09:44,742 --> 00:09:46,033 Aargh! 187 00:10:22,075 --> 00:10:22,950 No, Uncle. 188 00:10:26,033 --> 00:10:28,867 It's my prayer bear. He does my prayers. 189 00:10:33,533 --> 00:10:35,117 In the name of Allah... 190 00:10:40,783 --> 00:10:42,950 Which way are we going? 191 00:10:44,992 --> 00:10:46,242 All right. OK. 192 00:10:49,742 --> 00:10:51,533 What the fuck's he done to his rabbits, bro? 193 00:10:52,325 --> 00:10:54,367 They're not rabbits, bro. They're chickens. 194 00:10:54,492 --> 00:10:56,617 They're fucking rabbits. 195 00:10:56,742 --> 00:10:58,617 Bro, if they're rabbits, where are their ears? 196 00:10:59,575 --> 00:11:01,117 That's what I'm saying. 197 00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:16,450 What? 198 00:11:19,617 --> 00:11:20,658 What's he saying? 199 00:11:20,783 --> 00:11:22,617 I'm asking, would he kill you? 200 00:11:25,033 --> 00:11:26,242 Pack up. 201 00:11:26,950 --> 00:11:28,658 If you make me trouble... 202 00:11:36,992 --> 00:11:38,575 Alaykum salaam. 203 00:11:43,158 --> 00:11:45,992 - Would you kill me, then? - No, course not. 204 00:11:46,117 --> 00:11:47,825 Come on. 205 00:11:48,783 --> 00:11:50,242 I'd kill you, bro. 206 00:11:51,325 --> 00:11:52,367 Would you? 207 00:11:54,033 --> 00:11:55,158 - Yeah. - Right, good. 208 00:11:56,283 --> 00:11:57,367 Cos I would kill you, bro. 209 00:11:58,783 --> 00:12:01,283 Bro, seriously, I'd kill you. 210 00:12:01,408 --> 00:12:02,867 Course I would. 211 00:12:02,992 --> 00:12:04,867 Aye, I would. I'd kill you like that. 212 00:12:04,992 --> 00:12:06,950 - Flipping heck, man. Would you? - Yeah, course. 213 00:12:09,283 --> 00:12:11,450 I sort of thought I were joking a bit there, bro. 214 00:12:11,575 --> 00:12:13,825 We're soldiers, bro. Whatever's asked, you do it. 215 00:12:13,950 --> 00:12:15,783 You do the right thing. 216 00:12:15,908 --> 00:12:16,950 Right? 217 00:12:17,075 --> 00:12:19,117 - Are you with me? - Yeah. 218 00:12:19,242 --> 00:12:22,408 It's life, isn't it? It's just life. What is that? It's nothing. 219 00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:25,033 It's like being stuck in the queue at Alton Towers. 220 00:12:25,158 --> 00:12:27,658 Do you want to be in the queues or do you want to be on the rides? 221 00:12:27,783 --> 00:12:31,283 You want to be on the rides, don't you? You want to be on Nemesis, Oblivion. 222 00:12:31,408 --> 00:12:32,992 Rubber Dinghy Rapids. 223 00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:35,950 - Yeah. You with me? - Yeah. 224 00:12:36,075 --> 00:12:38,867 - Rubber Dinghy Rapids. - Yeah, Rubber Dinghy Rapids. 225 00:12:38,992 --> 00:12:40,367 Right? 226 00:12:40,492 --> 00:12:42,533 - OK, I would kill you, brother Omar. - Would you? 227 00:12:42,658 --> 00:12:44,408 - Yeah, I would. - What would you do? 228 00:12:45,367 --> 00:12:49,033 - I'd smash your head off with a thing. - Yeah. Know what I'd do? 229 00:12:49,158 --> 00:12:52,617 I'd grab one of these hooks, Waj. I'd dig it in your belly, rip your guts out. 230 00:12:52,742 --> 00:12:54,950 Spill it all out on the floor, like Mortal Combat. 231 00:12:55,075 --> 00:12:57,200 I'd fucking... I'd take this, right? 232 00:12:57,325 --> 00:12:59,533 - Yeah? - And I'd fucking run you over with a tractor. 233 00:12:59,617 --> 00:13:01,783 - Yeah? - Yeah. Soldiers. 234 00:13:01,908 --> 00:13:03,408 Soldiers, brother. Mujahid. 235 00:13:03,533 --> 00:13:04,700 Mujahid. 236 00:13:06,658 --> 00:13:08,158 Good lad. 237 00:13:08,283 --> 00:13:09,700 Come on. You want some? 238 00:13:09,825 --> 00:13:11,617 Yeah, you do want some, rabbit. 239 00:13:11,742 --> 00:13:13,825 You fucked-up rabbit with no ears. 240 00:13:13,950 --> 00:13:16,283 - I'll fucking... I'll have you. - They're chickens, man. 241 00:13:16,367 --> 00:13:18,950 - I'd roast you. - Waj, they're chickens. 242 00:13:55,742 --> 00:13:57,033 I'm coming. Coming. 243 00:13:57,158 --> 00:13:58,908 I'm coming. 244 00:14:12,992 --> 00:14:16,117 Come on, Waj. 245 00:14:24,242 --> 00:14:25,908 Fuck off, bro. East is that way. 246 00:14:27,742 --> 00:14:30,283 That way is East, bro. 247 00:14:30,408 --> 00:14:31,575 That way is East. 248 00:14:31,700 --> 00:14:33,575 - We've flown over Mecca now. - Paki's gone mental, bro. 249 00:14:33,700 --> 00:14:36,158 Mecca is in the East, yeah. 250 00:14:36,283 --> 00:14:40,158 Where the sun... where it rises, you behn choad paki prong! 251 00:14:47,867 --> 00:14:50,700 Turn around. I'll explain to you later. 252 00:14:53,992 --> 00:14:55,992 Fuck! Waj, come on. Come on! 253 00:15:00,950 --> 00:15:02,367 Go, go, go. Come on. 254 00:15:02,492 --> 00:15:03,825 - Come on, Waj. - OK, OK. 255 00:15:09,117 --> 00:15:11,117 Hey, brother Emir, I'll take it out. 256 00:15:12,492 --> 00:15:13,950 Too high, too high. 257 00:15:14,075 --> 00:15:17,367 Yeah, that's what I was thinking actually. What is that, 2,000 feet? 258 00:15:19,700 --> 00:15:21,325 - What? - Nothing. 259 00:15:28,492 --> 00:15:32,242 I've never stood up in public and professed any in-depth knowledge of Islam, 260 00:15:32,367 --> 00:15:36,783 ...but what I do know is that most British Muslims don't want to be out abroad, 261 00:15:36,908 --> 00:15:38,992 ...fighting British foreign policy. 262 00:15:39,117 --> 00:15:43,158 What they want to do is get on peacefully with their daily lives. 263 00:15:43,283 --> 00:15:44,867 - And we support that. - Yeah, yeah. 264 00:15:44,992 --> 00:15:47,367 A good Muslim always keeps his mouth shut. 265 00:15:47,492 --> 00:15:51,992 Yeah? Yeah? Are you all surprised kids are going off to training camps? 266 00:15:52,117 --> 00:15:55,075 - That is not what I am saying. - Why are kids going to training camps? 267 00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:57,908 First off, I object to the term "training camps". 268 00:15:58,033 --> 00:16:00,450 - You just used it. - No, I did not. 269 00:16:00,575 --> 00:16:02,492 It's a western fantasy. 270 00:16:02,617 --> 00:16:05,283 You people think of Muslims running around the mountains... 271 00:16:05,408 --> 00:16:06,492 ...with guns and bombs. 272 00:16:06,617 --> 00:16:08,783 That'd suit you down to the ground, wouldn't it? 273 00:16:08,908 --> 00:16:12,408 - But they do exist, don't they? - I'm not saying they don't exist. 274 00:16:12,533 --> 00:16:13,992 What I'm saying, if you'll listen, 275 00:16:14,117 --> 00:16:17,325 ...is that if they didn't exist, you people would have to invent them. 276 00:16:17,450 --> 00:16:19,742 - That's absolute rubbish. - Yeah, man. 277 00:16:19,867 --> 00:16:23,700 - This whole debate is twisted, man. - We'll take questions later, please. 278 00:16:23,825 --> 00:16:25,783 You think we're all bombers, don't you? 279 00:16:25,908 --> 00:16:27,742 - That is absolutely... - No, no, no. 280 00:16:27,867 --> 00:16:30,575 When you look at someone like me, you think "bomber", right? 281 00:16:30,700 --> 00:16:32,908 - Yeah, you do. - That is not the case. 282 00:16:33,033 --> 00:16:34,742 Why shouldn't I be a bomber if you treat me like one? 283 00:16:34,867 --> 00:16:38,408 - Mashallah, brother. - Yeah, Mashallah. 284 00:16:39,367 --> 00:16:41,033 Yeah. 285 00:16:51,700 --> 00:16:54,242 Allahu Akbar! 286 00:16:58,575 --> 00:16:59,700 Mashallah, brother. 287 00:17:01,617 --> 00:17:02,783 Oh, what, man? Come on. 288 00:17:02,908 --> 00:17:05,908 What? Just cos I'm Muslim, you thought it was real? 289 00:17:06,033 --> 00:17:08,867 Oh, here they come! 290 00:17:08,992 --> 00:17:12,117 Here come your stooges, Mr Storge. 291 00:17:12,242 --> 00:17:14,742 Police state! Police state! 292 00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:17,908 Police state! Police state! 293 00:17:18,033 --> 00:17:21,700 Remember my name, brothers and sisters. I'm going to Cuba! 294 00:17:21,825 --> 00:17:26,158 He's being rendered! He's being rendered! 295 00:17:32,783 --> 00:17:34,450 Hey, bro, bro. Down here. 296 00:17:36,283 --> 00:17:37,325 Need a lift? 297 00:17:40,158 --> 00:17:41,408 Yeah, man. Wait. Yeah. 298 00:17:41,533 --> 00:17:44,533 Oh, man! 299 00:17:44,658 --> 00:17:45,492 Yo! 300 00:17:45,617 --> 00:17:48,408 You're a lege. You're a lege, bro! 301 00:17:48,533 --> 00:17:50,742 Not so bad yourself, brother. What's your name? 302 00:17:50,867 --> 00:17:53,575 Hassan Malik. "The Mal". 303 00:17:53,700 --> 00:17:55,408 - The Mal? - Yeah. 304 00:17:55,533 --> 00:17:58,200 Nice little stunt back there. 305 00:17:58,325 --> 00:18:00,117 And you know what? 306 00:18:00,242 --> 00:18:02,200 You're a total piece of shit, mate. 307 00:18:03,075 --> 00:18:07,033 You're worse than the specially trained rapists they use in Guantánamo. 308 00:18:07,158 --> 00:18:09,742 - You what? - Yeah, you're not ignorant like them! 309 00:18:09,867 --> 00:18:11,992 You know you should be doing something. 310 00:18:12,117 --> 00:18:14,200 - I am doing something. - What, that? 311 00:18:14,325 --> 00:18:18,033 I'm the Mujahideen and... thingy, thingy, rap, rap... 312 00:18:18,158 --> 00:18:19,200 Eh? 313 00:18:20,242 --> 00:18:23,867 It was jihad of the mind, the gesture that messed yer. 314 00:18:23,992 --> 00:18:26,492 Wasthe prophet, Sal Allaahu Alayhi wa Sallam, about gestures? 315 00:18:26,617 --> 00:18:29,658 Hm? Did he smash the pagan statues... 316 00:18:29,783 --> 00:18:31,617 ...or did he just stand there, making a gesture? 317 00:18:33,617 --> 00:18:35,658 Is this a gesture? 318 00:18:40,783 --> 00:18:44,492 - That was for real, brother. - Yeah... 319 00:18:44,617 --> 00:18:47,408 Is you as for real as that? 320 00:18:47,533 --> 00:18:50,283 - Yeah. - How often do you go to mosque? 321 00:18:50,408 --> 00:18:54,033 When I can. Most weeks. Friday prayers. 322 00:18:54,158 --> 00:18:58,783 Once a year is too often. The mosques have lost it, brother. 323 00:18:58,908 --> 00:19:02,200 They're full of losers and spies. 324 00:19:02,325 --> 00:19:04,242 These are real bad times, bro. 325 00:19:04,367 --> 00:19:06,825 Islam is cracking up. 326 00:19:06,950 --> 00:19:09,033 We got women talking back. 327 00:19:09,158 --> 00:19:12,575 We got people playing stringed instruments. 328 00:19:12,700 --> 00:19:15,908 It's the end of days. 329 00:19:16,033 --> 00:19:17,950 Do you want to be for real? 330 00:19:19,825 --> 00:19:21,700 Well, yeah, of course. 331 00:19:21,825 --> 00:19:23,825 Are you sure? 332 00:19:23,950 --> 00:19:25,200 100 percent. 333 00:19:25,325 --> 00:19:27,117 Yeah, come here. 334 00:19:29,033 --> 00:19:30,533 Fuck you, Omar! 335 00:19:44,825 --> 00:19:46,742 Big enough for you now, Barry? 336 00:19:46,867 --> 00:19:50,200 Am I blowing a dog in a ditch or am I Paki Rambo? 337 00:19:58,867 --> 00:20:01,325 I'm getting my pictures, Mujahid-style. 338 00:20:03,908 --> 00:20:06,658 - James Fuck Bond? - No, no. 339 00:20:06,783 --> 00:20:07,908 What the fuck are you doing, Waj? 340 00:20:29,950 --> 00:20:32,450 Stay here and clean the guns. 341 00:20:32,575 --> 00:20:35,575 No, no, listen. We need an Al Qaeda emir. 342 00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:41,033 It was my fault, bro, OK? Let Omar go. 343 00:20:44,408 --> 00:20:46,783 You fucking Mr Beans. 344 00:20:46,908 --> 00:20:49,908 - But we haven't got an emir yet. - It's good. 345 00:20:59,283 --> 00:21:02,658 - Just getting my pictures, bro. - Waj, go away right now. 346 00:21:14,200 --> 00:21:15,242 Come on. 347 00:21:15,367 --> 00:21:16,992 - Where is it? - Down here. 348 00:21:25,950 --> 00:21:28,367 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 349 00:21:50,075 --> 00:21:52,658 Liquid peroxide. 350 00:21:52,783 --> 00:21:54,658 Three years of stockpiling. 351 00:21:54,783 --> 00:21:57,867 - Where did you get it all? - A wholesale shop down the road. 352 00:21:57,992 --> 00:21:59,658 - All from the same shop? - Yeah. 353 00:21:59,783 --> 00:22:02,325 - You mug, you'll get us nicked! - No. 354 00:22:02,450 --> 00:22:04,325 I use different voices every time I go in. 355 00:22:04,450 --> 00:22:07,783 Different what? Different voices. Show me. 356 00:22:07,908 --> 00:22:09,992 - What? - Show me the voices. Come on. 357 00:22:14,408 --> 00:22:18,075 - One of them's... It's my voice. - Right. 358 00:22:20,158 --> 00:22:21,617 Can I have 12 bottles of bleach, please? 359 00:22:21,742 --> 00:22:23,950 I know what that sounds like. Give me another one. 360 00:22:26,492 --> 00:22:28,117 IRA voice. 361 00:22:28,242 --> 00:22:30,117 IRA voice? 362 00:22:30,242 --> 00:22:31,408 They're terrorists, Faisal. 363 00:22:31,533 --> 00:22:34,075 Why do you want to do a terrorist voice? You'll get us nicked! 364 00:22:34,158 --> 00:22:37,075 - I'll be disguised then, won't I? - Yeah, but as a terrorist. 365 00:22:39,450 --> 00:22:40,492 Let's hear the voice. 366 00:22:44,075 --> 00:22:47,575 Can I have... 12 bottles of bleach, please? 367 00:22:49,450 --> 00:22:51,533 And then I've got one like this as well. 368 00:22:53,408 --> 00:22:55,075 Can I have 12 bottles of bleach, please? 369 00:22:55,200 --> 00:22:56,367 What's that? 370 00:22:56,492 --> 00:23:01,450 It's a woman's voice because I got loads of liquid peroxide. 371 00:23:01,575 --> 00:23:03,533 Probably thought that she'd go and... 372 00:23:03,658 --> 00:23:04,950 And what? 373 00:23:05,075 --> 00:23:08,200 ...dye her hair or something. - And her beard? 374 00:23:08,325 --> 00:23:10,908 - You got a beard. - I covered it. 375 00:23:11,533 --> 00:23:13,450 You covered your beard. How? 376 00:23:18,283 --> 00:23:24,158 Right, so you went into a shop, with your hands on your face like that... 377 00:23:24,283 --> 00:23:26,033 ...and asked for 12 bottles of bleach? 378 00:23:26,950 --> 00:23:29,617 So, why has she got her hands on her face, Fess? 379 00:23:33,700 --> 00:23:36,450 Cos she's got a beard. 380 00:23:41,700 --> 00:23:43,200 I'm sorry, brother Omar. 381 00:23:43,325 --> 00:23:45,450 Maybe it were God's will. 382 00:23:45,575 --> 00:23:48,117 Maybe it were God's will I would do my video so... 383 00:23:49,575 --> 00:23:52,033 - So maybe it's not my fault. - No, it is your fault. 384 00:23:52,158 --> 00:23:56,242 It were God's will that you were acting like a complete prat, apparently. 385 00:23:56,367 --> 00:23:58,325 It was defo your fault. 386 00:23:58,450 --> 00:24:03,408 So, if that were God's will, then am I God's fault? 387 00:24:03,533 --> 00:24:05,992 Maybe I'm God's mistake. 388 00:24:06,117 --> 00:24:09,200 - Does that mean I'm going to hell, brother? - Sh, sh, sh. 389 00:24:09,325 --> 00:24:10,908 - Do mistakes go to hell? - Shh, Waj. 390 00:24:11,033 --> 00:24:12,075 What? 391 00:24:13,450 --> 00:24:16,200 - That's a drone. - Hide! 392 00:24:17,575 --> 00:24:19,700 - It's flying low. It's going to attack. - Let's go! 393 00:24:19,783 --> 00:24:21,742 Where are we gonna go, Waj? We've got to take it out. 394 00:24:21,867 --> 00:24:23,908 Take it out with what? We ain't got no bullets. 395 00:24:24,033 --> 00:24:27,242 - This is my mistake, bro. - No, no, no. Waj, listen. 396 00:24:27,367 --> 00:24:31,575 Think about it. This is God's plan. He's put us here to defend the camp. 397 00:24:31,700 --> 00:24:33,117 This is our jihad. 398 00:24:33,242 --> 00:24:35,408 - Think about it. - This is my mistake, brother. 399 00:24:35,533 --> 00:24:37,825 That's the devil that's in your brain giving it the wasa-wasa. 400 00:24:37,950 --> 00:24:40,200 Don't listen to him. God's in your heart, bro. 401 00:24:40,325 --> 00:24:42,742 Right? What does your heart say? Trust me. Come on. 402 00:24:42,867 --> 00:24:46,742 It says maybe we should... 403 00:24:46,867 --> 00:24:48,450 Huh? 404 00:24:48,575 --> 00:24:51,283 Maybe we should flipping pop it, brother, get back on jihad. 405 00:24:51,408 --> 00:24:53,367 Good, Waj. 406 00:24:54,117 --> 00:24:55,242 Right, OK. 407 00:24:57,283 --> 00:25:00,158 What are we going to use? 408 00:25:00,283 --> 00:25:02,992 - Fucking yes, bro. - Shh, shh. Right, come on. 409 00:25:05,117 --> 00:25:06,658 - Proper Mujahid, yeah? - Yeah. 410 00:25:06,783 --> 00:25:08,658 - Rubber Dinghy Rapids, brother? - Mind out the way now. 411 00:25:08,783 --> 00:25:10,075 - All right, OK. - Come on. 412 00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:12,783 - Flipping pop it, brother. - OK. 413 00:25:23,117 --> 00:25:23,950 Brother Omar! 414 00:25:27,533 --> 00:25:28,575 The Arabs! 415 00:25:28,700 --> 00:25:31,033 The emir! 416 00:25:34,283 --> 00:25:35,867 Flipping shit. 417 00:25:38,450 --> 00:25:40,742 Is this God's will, bro? 418 00:25:40,867 --> 00:25:44,283 Tell me it is, bro. Tell me it's God's will. 419 00:25:44,408 --> 00:25:46,533 Fucking hell, bro. 420 00:25:47,950 --> 00:25:50,242 We've got to go, Waj. We've got to get out of here. 421 00:26:03,700 --> 00:26:05,575 I can't hear nothing! 422 00:26:06,700 --> 00:26:08,575 I can't hear nothing! 423 00:26:17,658 --> 00:26:18,742 Morning, officer. 424 00:26:18,867 --> 00:26:20,700 You've been rumbled. 425 00:26:34,033 --> 00:26:36,992 My plan is, right, to put a bomb on a crow... 426 00:26:37,117 --> 00:26:40,950 ...and fly it into one of them towers full of Jews and slags. 427 00:26:41,075 --> 00:26:43,950 I keep crows in here. Have a look. 428 00:26:44,075 --> 00:26:46,492 We're way beyond crows now, Faisal. 429 00:26:46,617 --> 00:26:48,575 We are really going to blow the lid off. 430 00:26:48,700 --> 00:26:50,825 Yeah, I'm all about blowing the lid off, man. 431 00:26:53,492 --> 00:26:56,075 - Blow my lid off. - Bomb the mosque! 432 00:26:57,325 --> 00:26:58,575 What? 433 00:26:59,283 --> 00:27:01,492 - The Masjid? - Yeah, the masjid, the mosque. 434 00:27:01,617 --> 00:27:03,033 But we go in dressed like kuffars. 435 00:27:03,117 --> 00:27:07,242 They think it's the unbelievers attacking so all the Muslims rise up and fight back. 436 00:27:07,367 --> 00:27:11,283 Stoke things up proper big time, fast-track the final days - total war! 437 00:27:12,783 --> 00:27:15,658 - That is sick, man. - What does Omar say? 438 00:27:15,783 --> 00:27:17,492 Who is this Omar? 439 00:27:17,617 --> 00:27:19,908 Don't sweat that. He's one of my boys. 440 00:27:20,033 --> 00:27:22,075 I've sent him off to training camp to bring him up to scratch. 441 00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:25,492 But my dad goes to the masjid. What if he's in masjid? 442 00:27:25,617 --> 00:27:27,700 Has your dad ever bought a Jaffa orange? 443 00:27:28,617 --> 00:27:29,658 Once or twice. 444 00:27:29,783 --> 00:27:32,533 Right, he's buying nukes for Israel, bro. He's a Jew. 445 00:27:47,325 --> 00:27:48,700 - Barry! - Where? 446 00:27:48,825 --> 00:27:51,242 - Where is he? - What are we going to say, again? 447 00:27:51,367 --> 00:27:55,242 Waj, we're going to say we're being sent for special training in Somalia. 448 00:27:55,367 --> 00:27:58,158 - Somalia? - Yeah, OK. 449 00:28:07,450 --> 00:28:10,033 - You all right, Barry? - Yeah. What happened? 450 00:28:11,033 --> 00:28:12,992 Nothing happened. We're being sent to... 451 00:28:13,117 --> 00:28:17,283 Bollocks! You fucked up, you fucking losers! 452 00:28:17,408 --> 00:28:19,033 I told you you should have taken me. 453 00:28:19,158 --> 00:28:21,658 - We're going to Somibia, Barry. - Somalia. 454 00:28:21,783 --> 00:28:24,242 - Special training. - "Special training." 455 00:28:24,367 --> 00:28:28,408 - Bollocks! Something happened. - Nothing happened, Barry. 456 00:28:28,533 --> 00:28:31,325 Look at the state of you. No luggage, back early. 457 00:28:31,450 --> 00:28:32,742 Yeah, something happened. 458 00:28:35,367 --> 00:28:37,033 - Yeah, something did happen. - Yeah, you fucked up. 459 00:28:37,158 --> 00:28:40,450 No, we got an emir and he told us that we're on. 460 00:28:40,575 --> 00:28:41,617 What? 461 00:28:42,825 --> 00:28:45,325 We've got an emir and he says that we're on. 462 00:28:46,408 --> 00:28:50,200 - Are you on as well, bro? - Yeah, for real. 463 00:28:50,325 --> 00:28:51,783 - Good. - Alhamdulillah. 464 00:28:54,575 --> 00:28:58,700 What about the Arabs, bro? What about the Arabs? 465 00:28:58,825 --> 00:29:03,283 They weren't Arabs, they were bad tribesmen. 466 00:29:03,408 --> 00:29:06,033 - What? - Bad tribesmen. 467 00:29:07,117 --> 00:29:09,117 - So it were good, what we did? - Yeah. 468 00:29:11,450 --> 00:29:13,783 What the fuck is Special Branch doing here? 469 00:29:13,908 --> 00:29:15,575 Oh, no, no, no. That's Hassan. He's in. 470 00:29:15,700 --> 00:29:18,283 - Since when, Barry? - He's one of us. 471 00:29:18,408 --> 00:29:21,200 - Is he fuck? - How was it, boys? Was it amazing? 472 00:29:21,950 --> 00:29:24,033 What, my dad's funeral? How could that be amazing? 473 00:29:25,492 --> 00:29:26,742 You're joking! 474 00:29:26,867 --> 00:29:29,950 He was pecked to death by chickens. Why would I joke about that? 475 00:29:30,658 --> 00:29:33,117 Ignore him, bro. This is Omar, this is Waj and this is Hassan Malik. 476 00:29:33,242 --> 00:29:34,825 Yeah, man, I'm the Mal. 477 00:29:36,408 --> 00:29:37,450 Frog him. 478 00:29:37,575 --> 00:29:40,283 No, don't sweat it, bro. He's been tested. 479 00:29:40,408 --> 00:29:41,867 - Really? - Yeah, he tested me, man. 480 00:29:41,908 --> 00:29:43,617 How did he do that, then? 481 00:29:43,742 --> 00:29:47,075 - He made me do that bean thing, man. - What bean thing? 482 00:29:47,908 --> 00:29:50,450 You know, when you put a bean up the end of your knob, man. 483 00:29:54,533 --> 00:29:56,658 We're on the parking. Let's go. 484 00:29:56,783 --> 00:29:58,658 - Barry? - We're on the parking. 485 00:29:58,783 --> 00:30:01,325 - What's he saying about a bean, Barry? - You mean, I didn't have to? 486 00:30:01,450 --> 00:30:03,575 Bro, he's landed you right in it. 487 00:30:03,700 --> 00:30:07,408 I've got no need for a beanfucker or a TV Paki or a coconut spook. 488 00:30:07,533 --> 00:30:08,575 Now, frog him! 489 00:30:08,700 --> 00:30:10,575 Omar, he's loaded. His dad's loaded. 490 00:30:10,700 --> 00:30:13,492 - What, from MI5 payroll? - No, he's got a clothes factory. 491 00:30:13,617 --> 00:30:16,075 - Great. Merry Christmas. Frog him. - I can get you a van. 492 00:30:16,200 --> 00:30:19,492 - I can nick a van. - So you'd steal from your own dad? 493 00:30:20,992 --> 00:30:23,075 Well, yeah, yeah. 494 00:30:23,200 --> 00:30:25,658 Right, well, you're still walking. 495 00:30:25,783 --> 00:30:29,158 Listen, behn choad, next time I see you, you'd better have a fucking van, 496 00:30:29,283 --> 00:30:31,283 ...or I'm gonna floss your balls with razor wire. 497 00:30:36,283 --> 00:30:38,742 You played that wrong, mate. 498 00:30:41,408 --> 00:30:43,200 - You're on one, Omar. - Drive! 499 00:30:47,492 --> 00:30:49,742 - Did you fix this, Barry? - Yeah, I fixed it. 500 00:30:49,867 --> 00:30:53,117 - Did you do it yourself or something? - Yes, I did it myself. 501 00:30:59,242 --> 00:31:00,783 So is he in or what, Omar? 502 00:31:00,908 --> 00:31:04,492 What choice have I got, Barry? He's either in or I've got to kill him. 503 00:31:04,617 --> 00:31:07,367 Good. I knew you'd like him. 504 00:31:18,825 --> 00:31:20,658 Simba and Pumbaa were out on their own. 505 00:31:20,783 --> 00:31:24,783 And Scar was looking for them and if he found them, he'd kill them, but... 506 00:31:24,908 --> 00:31:26,033 - Dad? - Yeah? 507 00:31:26,158 --> 00:31:28,075 Did you blow up any kuffars? 508 00:31:28,200 --> 00:31:29,742 What? 509 00:31:29,867 --> 00:31:31,283 At the wedding? 510 00:31:33,742 --> 00:31:35,325 Do you want to hear what happened to Simba or not? 511 00:31:35,450 --> 00:31:37,992 - Yeah! - Right, so... 512 00:31:39,325 --> 00:31:41,783 Simba and Pumbaa were out on their own, 513 00:31:41,908 --> 00:31:44,408 ...when all of a sudden they saw this... 514 00:31:46,408 --> 00:31:50,325 ...this big evil bird, this big bird, that Scar had sent out to look for them. 515 00:31:50,450 --> 00:31:54,325 This big, evil vulture, coming right at them. 516 00:31:54,450 --> 00:31:56,617 "There it is," said Simba. He spotted it, 517 00:31:56,742 --> 00:31:59,242 ...this big evil vulture, coming straight for them, 518 00:31:59,367 --> 00:32:00,867 ...coming right at them. 519 00:32:02,908 --> 00:32:03,992 Then what, Dad? 520 00:32:06,117 --> 00:32:09,200 Well, Simba had to bring it down, otherwise it'd kill them. 521 00:32:09,325 --> 00:32:12,242 So, what he did was, he grabbed a stone... 522 00:32:12,367 --> 00:32:15,325 ...and he chucked it at the bird, only he chucked it so hard, 523 00:32:15,450 --> 00:32:19,283 ...it was such a strong powerful throw, that his arm went all the way round. 524 00:32:19,408 --> 00:32:22,783 Behind. He threw it so hard, it went a mile behind him. 525 00:32:23,450 --> 00:32:26,658 And it hit Mufasa. 526 00:32:26,783 --> 00:32:29,575 Wise, strong Mufasa, Simba's dad. 527 00:32:29,700 --> 00:32:32,367 It hit him accidentally on the head and killed him. 528 00:32:32,492 --> 00:32:34,950 But didn't Scar kill Mufasa? 529 00:32:35,075 --> 00:32:38,033 Yeah, in the film. This is real life, I'm talking about. 530 00:32:38,158 --> 00:32:39,908 So Simba had a choice. 531 00:32:40,033 --> 00:32:42,158 He could either tell his friends what had happened and create confusion, 532 00:32:42,283 --> 00:32:46,492 ...or keep it a secret and lead all his friends in a big fight against Scar. 533 00:32:46,617 --> 00:32:48,492 What do you think he did? 534 00:32:48,617 --> 00:32:50,283 He had to tell the truth. 535 00:32:52,950 --> 00:32:55,242 But he's got to fight Scar, hasn't he? 536 00:32:55,367 --> 00:32:58,200 Telling the truth means giving up. 537 00:32:58,325 --> 00:32:59,617 Would Simba give up? 538 00:32:59,742 --> 00:33:01,825 - Simba would never give up. - Exactly. 539 00:33:02,742 --> 00:33:04,200 Exactly. So... 540 00:33:05,617 --> 00:33:08,200 Simba kept it all a secret. 541 00:33:08,950 --> 00:33:11,367 And he led Pumbaa and Timon and all his friends, 542 00:33:11,492 --> 00:33:15,408 ...he led them all in a fight against Scar. 543 00:33:15,533 --> 00:33:17,200 And he vanquished Scar, 544 00:33:17,325 --> 00:33:19,533 ...and Simba became the new Lion King. 545 00:33:20,575 --> 00:33:22,617 - Yes. - Yeah. 546 00:33:25,283 --> 00:33:26,700 Bedtime for you, 547 00:33:26,825 --> 00:33:28,283 ...soldier. 548 00:33:32,867 --> 00:33:34,325 All right, lads, this is it. 549 00:33:35,908 --> 00:33:37,617 This is it, boys. 550 00:33:37,742 --> 00:33:41,492 I've spoken to the emir. I have, and... 551 00:33:41,617 --> 00:33:43,242 How did you do that? 552 00:33:44,992 --> 00:33:50,617 Email drop box and the children's instant messaging site, Party Puffin. 553 00:33:50,742 --> 00:33:52,158 I've been on that. 554 00:33:52,283 --> 00:33:54,075 - Good, Waj. - Proper good. 555 00:33:54,200 --> 00:33:56,700 Do we have to be puffins as well? 556 00:33:56,825 --> 00:33:59,325 Yeah, I'll give you all usernames and passwords after this meeting. 557 00:33:59,450 --> 00:34:00,783 I'm not sure I want to be a puffin. 558 00:34:00,908 --> 00:34:02,492 You don't have to be if you don't want to, Barry. 559 00:34:02,617 --> 00:34:04,825 - Bagsy a blue one, yeah? - Good, Waj. 560 00:34:06,533 --> 00:34:08,617 Now, I've spoken to him. 561 00:34:09,950 --> 00:34:12,408 My puffin has communicated with his puffin. 562 00:34:14,658 --> 00:34:17,117 And he's told us to make some bombs. 563 00:34:17,242 --> 00:34:20,033 So we're going to take Faisal's gear to the secret flat. 564 00:34:20,158 --> 00:34:23,408 We can hide it under the costumes in Hassan's van. 565 00:34:23,533 --> 00:34:26,367 We'll put the bleach on the boil. 566 00:34:27,575 --> 00:34:31,367 We have instructions to bring havoc to this bullshit, consumerist, 567 00:34:31,492 --> 00:34:33,492 ...godless, Paki-bashing, 568 00:34:33,617 --> 00:34:36,367 Gordon Ramsay "Taste the Difference" speciality cheddar, 569 00:34:36,492 --> 00:34:38,617 ...torture-endorsing, massacre-sponsoring, 570 00:34:39,575 --> 00:34:42,783 "Look-at-me-dancing-pissed with-my-nob-out", Skyl Uncovered, 571 00:34:42,908 --> 00:34:45,617 "Who-gives-a-fuck about-dead-Afghanis?" Disneyland. 572 00:34:45,742 --> 00:34:47,658 - Mashallah! - Mashallah, brother Omar. 573 00:34:47,783 --> 00:34:49,742 - Mashallah. - Fuck mini Babybels. 574 00:34:50,325 --> 00:34:54,033 Puffin says, "Find a target." 575 00:34:54,158 --> 00:34:55,992 Well, we got a target, bro. We're all agreed. 576 00:34:56,033 --> 00:34:57,867 What is it? 577 00:34:57,992 --> 00:34:59,700 - It's the mosque. - What? 578 00:34:59,825 --> 00:35:01,325 Bomb the mosque, 579 00:35:01,450 --> 00:35:04,367 ...radicalise the moderates, bring it all on. 580 00:35:05,200 --> 00:35:08,200 OK, right. No, I like that. I do like that, that's brilliant. 581 00:35:08,325 --> 00:35:11,200 Let's take out a bunch of Muslims because they're the real enemy. 582 00:35:11,325 --> 00:35:14,200 Once we've done that, why don't we truck-bomb a kebab shop... 583 00:35:14,325 --> 00:35:17,158 ...and fly a jumbo jet into Waj's mum's head? 584 00:35:17,283 --> 00:35:21,158 Why don't we get a pig and staple-gun it to our foreheads? 585 00:35:21,283 --> 00:35:24,450 But if we bomb the mosque, it will make all the Muslims rise up. 586 00:35:25,492 --> 00:35:27,950 My cousin, Faz, died, 587 00:35:28,075 --> 00:35:31,033 ...defending a mosque in Bosnia. 588 00:35:31,158 --> 00:35:32,908 Did he flipping rise up, bro? 589 00:35:34,283 --> 00:35:35,700 Let's bomb Boots. 590 00:35:36,533 --> 00:35:40,242 They sell condoms that make you want to bang white girls. 591 00:35:40,367 --> 00:35:42,700 - I second that. Boots. - Right. 592 00:35:42,825 --> 00:35:46,117 - They nabbed me nicking Lynx display. - Think bigger than a chemist's. 593 00:35:46,242 --> 00:35:49,575 I'm not blowing my guts out over a bunch of tampons and cotton buds. 594 00:35:49,700 --> 00:35:52,533 What we're going to do has got to last in history, 595 00:35:52,658 --> 00:35:54,117 ...echo through the ages. 596 00:35:54,242 --> 00:35:57,117 - Like bomb a mosque. - Barry, we're not bombing a mosque. 597 00:35:57,242 --> 00:35:59,200 You don't get it, do you, Omar? 598 00:35:59,325 --> 00:36:01,075 We radicalise the moderates! 599 00:36:01,200 --> 00:36:03,533 The ummah rises up, it all kicks off! 600 00:36:03,658 --> 00:36:07,117 I do get it. I'll tell you what it's like. It's like you're in a fight with someone, 601 00:36:07,242 --> 00:36:09,492 ...and they're punching you in the face, right? 602 00:36:09,617 --> 00:36:13,242 And so what you go and do is, you punch yourself in the face. 603 00:36:13,367 --> 00:36:14,450 So what if he's not? 604 00:36:14,575 --> 00:36:16,950 I'm having a fight with this fictionary man, 605 00:36:17,075 --> 00:36:21,325 ...and he's not punching me hard enough to make me go mental and win. 606 00:36:21,450 --> 00:36:24,200 Let's do an experiment, Barry. We'll have a fight right now. 607 00:36:24,325 --> 00:36:26,492 When you start losing and you're not doing very well, 608 00:36:26,533 --> 00:36:28,950 ...you punch yourself in the face, go mental and start winning. 609 00:36:29,075 --> 00:36:31,492 - Show them all how it works. - I'm not gonna punch myself. 610 00:36:31,575 --> 00:36:33,950 Why not? You're the Muslims. You're getting attacked. 611 00:36:34,075 --> 00:36:37,325 Go fucking mental, Barry. Show 'em how it works. 612 00:36:37,450 --> 00:36:39,783 - Come on. - I'm not a mosque! 613 00:36:39,908 --> 00:36:41,283 This is not how it works! 614 00:36:43,992 --> 00:36:45,367 Punch yourself, Baz. 615 00:36:45,492 --> 00:36:48,075 Bomb the mosque, Barry! Bomb it! 616 00:36:48,200 --> 00:36:49,325 Bomb the mosque! 617 00:36:49,450 --> 00:36:52,492 Bomb the mosque, Barry! 618 00:36:53,492 --> 00:36:56,075 He's bombed the mosque! He's just bombed the mosque! 619 00:36:56,200 --> 00:36:58,450 Barry, where are the moderates? The moderates should be coming now. 620 00:36:58,575 --> 00:37:01,033 Right, if I was a mosque, which I am not, 621 00:37:01,158 --> 00:37:04,075 ...then there would be all moderates behind my nose, 622 00:37:04,200 --> 00:37:06,158 ...bursting to come out and rise up. 623 00:37:06,283 --> 00:37:08,742 Would there? Ooh, they are, bro, eh? 624 00:37:08,867 --> 00:37:11,825 Barry, the Sufi Muslim Council's coming out your nose. 625 00:37:11,950 --> 00:37:14,992 Oh, you've just wiped them out. You've just wiped them out. 626 00:37:15,117 --> 00:37:18,617 Do you think we should still bomb the mosque, Barry? 627 00:37:19,242 --> 00:37:21,450 - Come back. - Barry, I got you a J-cloth for the... 628 00:37:22,992 --> 00:37:24,700 - Oooh! - Barry! 629 00:37:24,825 --> 00:37:26,742 For fuck's sake, Barry! 630 00:38:03,867 --> 00:38:05,825 Oi! Oi! 631 00:38:05,950 --> 00:38:09,200 Turn that off. There's common areas out there. 632 00:38:09,325 --> 00:38:12,992 We got to play it, Barry. This is our cover, man. We're a band. 633 00:38:13,117 --> 00:38:15,658 - We're a what? - We're a band. 634 00:38:15,783 --> 00:38:17,533 Bollocks! Turn it off. 635 00:38:18,367 --> 00:38:19,908 Bro, turn it off. 636 00:38:23,575 --> 00:38:25,033 What's with the chicken? 637 00:38:28,158 --> 00:38:30,992 It's beard protection from the bleach. 638 00:38:31,117 --> 00:38:33,825 Yeah, he's the drummer, man. 639 00:38:34,492 --> 00:38:38,075 - Chicken drummer. - Yeah, Barry. 640 00:38:38,200 --> 00:38:41,283 You broke the chicken's beak, didn't you? Remember? 641 00:38:41,408 --> 00:38:43,242 Yeah, Barry, you broke his beak. 642 00:38:43,367 --> 00:38:46,242 Yeah, well, I'm sorry, but beaks get broken in war, don't they? 643 00:38:46,367 --> 00:38:47,700 - Do they? - Yeah, they do. 644 00:38:47,825 --> 00:38:51,533 We're not about protecting beaks, we're about blowing them off. 645 00:38:51,658 --> 00:38:53,325 Yeah? 646 00:38:53,450 --> 00:38:56,075 Well, go and unload the van. I'm not doing all the work. 647 00:39:00,158 --> 00:39:01,742 Waj! Waj! 648 00:39:02,325 --> 00:39:03,492 Anti-surveillance. 649 00:39:08,450 --> 00:39:11,325 Not you, mate, you're still here. Get in there. 650 00:39:17,158 --> 00:39:20,783 - What are you doing? - Just in case they're taking pictures. 651 00:39:20,908 --> 00:39:23,658 - What? - Barry says you come out blurry. 652 00:39:25,367 --> 00:39:26,408 Right, stop it! 653 00:39:27,408 --> 00:39:28,658 Stop it! 654 00:39:30,992 --> 00:39:33,617 CCTV's a video. 655 00:39:33,742 --> 00:39:36,825 You're just gonna look like a bunch of Sufis on speed. 656 00:39:36,950 --> 00:39:40,033 Next time Barry tells you to do something, don't. 657 00:39:45,867 --> 00:39:49,033 - You all right, Alice? How's it going. - All right, Wasim? Yeah. 658 00:39:49,158 --> 00:39:50,825 - Are you good? - Yeah. 659 00:39:50,950 --> 00:39:53,117 - All right, Jason? - All right. 660 00:39:54,200 --> 00:39:55,700 Who's this one? 661 00:39:55,825 --> 00:39:57,200 This is... Claude. 662 00:39:57,325 --> 00:39:59,617 Claude, this is Alice. She's got the flat next door. 663 00:39:59,742 --> 00:40:02,075 - Hello, Claude. - Hi. 664 00:40:02,200 --> 00:40:05,033 - What's this? - Claude's the new member of our band. 665 00:40:05,158 --> 00:40:07,700 - Band? - He's the new member. 666 00:40:07,825 --> 00:40:10,242 - I used to be in a band. - Did you? 667 00:40:10,367 --> 00:40:14,825 Yeah. Until all the birds fell off the roof... 668 00:40:15,867 --> 00:40:17,908 I don't know if you remember. 669 00:40:19,533 --> 00:40:22,825 All right, then, Alice, we'll see you later. Come on, lads. 670 00:40:22,950 --> 00:40:25,033 Come through. 671 00:40:25,158 --> 00:40:28,825 - Which one are you? - Er, Claude. 672 00:40:28,950 --> 00:40:31,033 - Claude? - Yeah. 673 00:40:31,158 --> 00:40:32,783 Are you French? 674 00:40:33,783 --> 00:40:35,117 Yeah. 675 00:40:35,992 --> 00:40:37,450 See you. 676 00:40:49,283 --> 00:40:52,617 Right, Mister Newsman in the newsroom, after three. 677 00:40:52,742 --> 00:40:54,825 Three, two, one... 678 00:40:56,658 --> 00:40:59,033 Yes, it was us. 679 00:40:59,158 --> 00:41:02,200 We have struck you where you least expected it. 680 00:41:02,325 --> 00:41:04,867 We have bombed the mosque. 681 00:41:04,992 --> 00:41:07,867 Only in the days of the final jihad... 682 00:41:09,658 --> 00:41:11,658 What are you doing here? 683 00:41:11,783 --> 00:41:14,158 Well, you told us to come round. 684 00:41:14,283 --> 00:41:17,700 We've just come through the back. Anti-surveillance, like you said. 685 00:41:17,825 --> 00:41:19,700 Right, well, I'm doing my tape. 686 00:41:19,825 --> 00:41:21,658 But we're not bombing the mosque. 687 00:41:21,783 --> 00:41:24,658 - What? - We're not bombing the mosque. 688 00:41:24,783 --> 00:41:28,367 Look, I'm just doing this tape in case the plans change to bomb the mosque. 689 00:41:28,492 --> 00:41:32,033 If they did change, isn't the whole point of it to blame it on the kuffar... 690 00:41:32,158 --> 00:41:33,617 ...and not take responsibility for it? 691 00:41:33,742 --> 00:41:36,992 What do you know about it? It was my idea in the first place, not yours! 692 00:41:37,117 --> 00:41:39,742 Now, fuck off! I'm doing my tape. Go on. 693 00:41:39,867 --> 00:41:40,908 All right, Barry? 694 00:41:41,033 --> 00:41:44,533 - What, you're here as well? - Yeah. Why? What's going on? 695 00:41:44,658 --> 00:41:47,408 He said he was going to bomb the mosque. 696 00:41:47,533 --> 00:41:49,075 - Did you say that, Barry? - No. 697 00:41:49,158 --> 00:41:50,825 - Yeah, you did. - No, I didn't. 698 00:41:50,950 --> 00:41:53,825 - What did you say, then? - I said I was gonna bomb something else. 699 00:41:53,950 --> 00:41:56,742 What did you say you were gonna bomb? 700 00:41:56,867 --> 00:41:58,867 Hm? 701 00:41:58,992 --> 00:42:00,658 Fuck off! 702 00:42:00,783 --> 00:42:02,242 Fuck off out of my house! 703 00:42:04,158 --> 00:42:05,492 Oh, Barry, you moron. 704 00:42:10,575 --> 00:42:12,450 - Salaam, Ahmed. - Alaykum salaam. 705 00:42:12,575 --> 00:42:17,033 - Omar, it's your brother. Come in. - No, I'm OK. 706 00:42:17,158 --> 00:42:20,075 Just come in and sit down. 707 00:42:20,200 --> 00:42:21,617 - Salaam Alaykum. - Alaykum salaam. 708 00:42:23,950 --> 00:42:26,367 Just come in and sit down. 709 00:42:27,075 --> 00:42:29,742 I'm not in the same room. You can come in. 710 00:42:29,867 --> 00:42:31,492 You are. 711 00:42:31,617 --> 00:42:33,075 I'm not. 712 00:42:33,200 --> 00:42:34,950 The wall has been taken out, so you are. 713 00:42:36,658 --> 00:42:39,992 Have you come to drop some fatwas, cos we've just had the carpet cleaned? 714 00:42:44,242 --> 00:42:45,992 Not in this house, bro. 715 00:42:46,117 --> 00:42:48,492 - Freeze or I'll blow your guts out. - All right, go easy. 716 00:42:48,575 --> 00:42:50,908 OK. Right, come on! 717 00:42:51,033 --> 00:42:52,658 You've got 30 seconds! 718 00:42:53,783 --> 00:42:57,117 - What are you teaching him, Omar? - It's a water pistol. Have you lost it? 719 00:42:57,242 --> 00:43:00,950 Have you got 150 quotes from scholars saying we can't squirt a water pistol? 720 00:43:02,033 --> 00:43:04,492 There is no justification for what you are planning. 721 00:43:04,617 --> 00:43:06,658 - What am I planning, bro? - You tell me. 722 00:43:06,783 --> 00:43:08,825 - Want to know what I am planning? - Yeah. 723 00:43:10,783 --> 00:43:14,408 Sure you can handle it, bro? Yeah? You ready? 724 00:43:14,533 --> 00:43:17,075 It's not a proper plan yet, yeah? 725 00:43:17,200 --> 00:43:18,950 But I'm thinking, inshallah, 726 00:43:19,075 --> 00:43:21,825 I'm going to go upstairs and run a hot bath, right? 727 00:43:21,950 --> 00:43:24,283 Then come back down and make beans on toast. I'm proper hungry. 728 00:43:24,408 --> 00:43:25,992 - Very funny. - What? 729 00:43:30,200 --> 00:43:32,700 Is it, bro? Have you got opinions to back that up? 730 00:43:32,825 --> 00:43:34,950 I have got 18 opinions, all very good ones. 731 00:43:35,075 --> 00:43:38,617 You know what? It's not Top Trumps. Muslims are getting pasted and you go, 732 00:43:38,742 --> 00:43:41,367 "I've got 60,000 opinions saying we can't fight back." 733 00:43:41,492 --> 00:43:45,492 "We must measure our beard with a ruler and lock our wives in cupboard!" 734 00:43:45,617 --> 00:43:48,533 That's not a joke, is it, bro? 735 00:43:48,658 --> 00:43:51,492 It is not a cupboard, it is a small room. 736 00:43:51,617 --> 00:43:54,867 Oh, come on. It was a flipping toilet till you took the china out. 737 00:43:54,992 --> 00:43:56,617 I don't argue with women. 738 00:43:56,742 --> 00:43:59,450 No, you don't. You lock 'em in a cupboard. 739 00:43:59,575 --> 00:44:00,992 Omar, your wife is out of control. 740 00:44:01,117 --> 00:44:03,117 I don't know how to control her. Help me out. 741 00:44:03,242 --> 00:44:06,450 Am I... Am I out of control? Ooh. 742 00:44:06,575 --> 00:44:09,033 Do it again. He won't fight back. 743 00:44:09,158 --> 00:44:11,117 - What am I like? I'm out of control. - Obey me, wife. Obey me. 744 00:44:11,242 --> 00:44:12,408 Go and do it. 745 00:44:12,533 --> 00:44:15,117 Fight back, brother! 746 00:44:15,242 --> 00:44:16,783 What's all the violence, brother? 747 00:44:16,908 --> 00:44:20,825 - Are you fighting back? In self-defence? - This is not fighting. 748 00:44:20,950 --> 00:44:24,658 - By the law of Sharia, I am not fighting. - You're a proper Mujahid! 749 00:44:24,783 --> 00:44:26,117 By the law... 750 00:44:26,242 --> 00:44:28,658 - I am not fighting. - You're so violent, bro! 751 00:44:31,158 --> 00:44:32,450 Hey, Omar. 752 00:44:32,575 --> 00:44:35,242 - You're terrible, you are. - I'm out of control. 753 00:44:35,367 --> 00:44:36,825 Aren't you, eh? 754 00:44:56,950 --> 00:44:59,867 - That's twice as much, bro. - This one's gonna leave a mark. 755 00:45:03,200 --> 00:45:04,658 Just drop it. 756 00:45:11,200 --> 00:45:12,825 Ooh! 757 00:45:12,950 --> 00:45:13,950 Shit, man! 758 00:45:15,492 --> 00:45:17,158 - Come on, bro. Give me that. - Jew. 759 00:45:17,283 --> 00:45:18,658 Gay. 760 00:45:18,783 --> 00:45:20,533 Fed. 761 00:45:21,867 --> 00:45:23,908 Sodomite. 762 00:45:24,700 --> 00:45:25,742 Gynaecologist. 763 00:45:27,075 --> 00:45:29,658 Innocent bloke. Doesn't exist. 764 00:45:31,283 --> 00:45:33,742 Leonard Cohen. Here, you give me that. 765 00:45:33,867 --> 00:45:35,992 You do some work. 766 00:45:40,367 --> 00:45:42,492 This one's gonna be like a grenade, man. 767 00:45:42,617 --> 00:45:45,408 - Oh, bro. - Here, watch this. 768 00:45:45,533 --> 00:45:47,158 Watch this, bro! 769 00:45:56,200 --> 00:45:59,325 Come on, lads. Why don't we just pick up the phone and call the cops? 770 00:45:59,450 --> 00:46:01,408 Right? Come on. 771 00:46:02,658 --> 00:46:05,033 - Sorry, man. - Sorry, bro. 772 00:46:05,158 --> 00:46:07,075 We don't have to use that on ourselves, do we, Barry? 773 00:46:07,200 --> 00:46:09,367 - Course we do, bro. - But it's our choice, right? 774 00:46:09,492 --> 00:46:11,658 - Fess? Fess? - What? 775 00:46:11,783 --> 00:46:14,867 It is your choice. Right? It can only be your choice. 776 00:46:14,992 --> 00:46:17,450 Right, yeah. 777 00:46:17,575 --> 00:46:19,658 - Fess. Fess. - What? 778 00:46:20,575 --> 00:46:22,242 It is your choice, right, 779 00:46:22,367 --> 00:46:24,783 ...but you've chosen to blow yourself up, haven't you? 780 00:46:28,325 --> 00:46:29,992 Haven't you? 781 00:46:34,492 --> 00:46:36,533 Mashallah, brother Crow. 782 00:46:36,658 --> 00:46:38,242 Mashallah. 783 00:46:38,367 --> 00:46:42,533 You're doing this, right, to save brother Faisal. 784 00:46:43,617 --> 00:46:46,492 And I know it's come as a bit of a shock to you, 785 00:46:46,617 --> 00:46:49,075 ...but everything will be all right. 786 00:46:49,200 --> 00:46:53,325 Yeah? OK. You see that over there? 787 00:46:53,450 --> 00:46:54,492 That... 788 00:46:55,700 --> 00:46:58,992 That's a sex shop. Right? 789 00:46:59,117 --> 00:47:02,408 A US embassy, or some other such slag utility. 790 00:47:04,075 --> 00:47:06,325 Right, now wait there. 791 00:47:06,450 --> 00:47:09,908 When I say, you fly to the target. 792 00:47:10,033 --> 00:47:13,200 When I dial this, you go to heaven, brother Crow. 793 00:47:16,200 --> 00:47:17,742 Inshallah. 794 00:47:46,450 --> 00:47:47,575 Yeah. 795 00:47:47,700 --> 00:47:50,867 What's that? What's that, Mrs Thistle? 796 00:47:50,992 --> 00:47:52,908 No, I don't want to resit my media studies. 797 00:47:53,033 --> 00:47:56,283 Stupid Mrs Thistle, I don't want to retake it. 798 00:47:56,408 --> 00:47:59,575 You know why? Cos I've found a new purpose in life. 799 00:47:59,700 --> 00:48:03,075 And here it is. Eat that shit! 800 00:48:03,908 --> 00:48:06,450 Eat that. Eat that. You fuck... 801 00:48:07,450 --> 00:48:09,992 Come on, lads. Let's go. Salaam alaykum. 802 00:48:10,117 --> 00:48:13,575 - Alaykum salaam. - You all right? Where are they? 803 00:48:13,700 --> 00:48:16,700 They've all gone, man. They're using the fireworks for cover. 804 00:48:16,825 --> 00:48:19,950 Yeah, I know that. That was my idea. Why didn't they wait for me? 805 00:48:20,075 --> 00:48:22,742 - Barry said that you said, "Go ahead." - Did he? 806 00:48:22,867 --> 00:48:25,158 - I'm just on night shift. - Yeah, you are, bro. 807 00:48:25,283 --> 00:48:28,700 If anybody comes knocking for Barry, tell them you used to know him... 808 00:48:36,367 --> 00:48:38,158 Can I come? 809 00:48:48,450 --> 00:48:50,908 Don't drop it, you prick! 810 00:48:51,033 --> 00:48:54,617 Brother Faisal, if you drop this, we're baked beans from here to Derby. 811 00:48:55,908 --> 00:48:58,617 - Slowly, slowly. - Oh! 812 00:48:58,742 --> 00:48:59,783 - It's good. - All right. 813 00:48:59,908 --> 00:49:03,117 - Good, good. - Let's get out of here. 814 00:49:04,033 --> 00:49:06,033 - OK. - Come on. I'm gonna blow it. 815 00:49:06,158 --> 00:49:07,908 - Ready? - All right. 816 00:49:10,450 --> 00:49:11,992 Is it gonna be loud? 817 00:49:24,325 --> 00:49:26,325 Did you see that? 818 00:49:26,450 --> 00:49:29,867 Fucking good, Barry. Fucking good. That were proper good! 819 00:49:30,742 --> 00:49:32,950 - Well done, Barry. - What's up? 820 00:49:33,075 --> 00:49:35,283 Did you miss it, bro? Did you miss it, bro? 821 00:49:37,533 --> 00:49:41,075 I told you before, Barry, didn't I? What were you lads playing at? 822 00:49:41,200 --> 00:49:45,408 - Why didn't you call me, Waj? Eh? - I didn't have no credit. 823 00:49:46,867 --> 00:49:51,450 This breaks anti-surveillance protocol. We shouldn't be back here till tomorrow. 824 00:49:51,575 --> 00:49:54,283 The protocol is that you were supposed to stay here and guard the flat, Barry, 825 00:49:54,408 --> 00:49:56,408 ...cos there's a good chance that you are being monitored. 826 00:49:56,533 --> 00:50:00,075 Is that an Islamic argument, brother? I only listen to Islamic arguments. 827 00:50:00,200 --> 00:50:02,200 That was my microwave, Barry. I had it ten years, that Matsui. 828 00:50:02,325 --> 00:50:03,742 I should've been there. 829 00:50:03,867 --> 00:50:06,033 Your microwave has been well sacrificed. 830 00:50:06,158 --> 00:50:08,658 Don't screw with my jihad. I'm telling you for the last time. 831 00:50:08,742 --> 00:50:11,367 - Your jihad? You said "my jihad". - Our jihad. Don't screw with it. 832 00:50:11,492 --> 00:50:13,325 - Our jihad. - What did he say, Fess? 833 00:50:13,450 --> 00:50:15,783 - Did he say "my jihad"? - What difference does it make? 834 00:50:15,908 --> 00:50:19,700 - You said "my jihad". - So what? This is such a small thing. 835 00:50:19,825 --> 00:50:21,075 Hey! 836 00:50:21,200 --> 00:50:22,783 Come and have a look at this. 837 00:50:37,283 --> 00:50:38,325 Hass! 838 00:50:39,617 --> 00:50:40,658 Claude! 839 00:50:46,367 --> 00:50:47,283 Shit! 840 00:50:57,533 --> 00:50:59,242 Right, it's time to go now, Alice. 841 00:50:59,367 --> 00:51:01,492 Why? What's going on? 842 00:51:01,617 --> 00:51:03,242 Nothing. We just need you to go. 843 00:51:06,908 --> 00:51:09,658 Oh. 844 00:51:09,783 --> 00:51:12,700 Oh, I get it. I know what's going on here. 845 00:51:16,450 --> 00:51:17,908 I know what you lot are. 846 00:51:20,450 --> 00:51:22,283 You lot... 847 00:51:22,408 --> 00:51:24,408 ...are a bunch of Paki-bashers. 848 00:51:26,950 --> 00:51:31,617 - What? - Mountie boys. Gays. 849 00:51:32,783 --> 00:51:35,658 - Yes, we are so gay. - I'm not. 850 00:51:35,783 --> 00:51:37,325 Yes, you are. We all are. 851 00:51:37,450 --> 00:51:40,242 But mainly it's these two. Isn't it, Norman? 852 00:51:43,658 --> 00:51:45,908 - Yes. - Yeah, you love it, don't you? 853 00:51:46,033 --> 00:51:48,825 We've got to get down to some gay business now, all of us. 854 00:51:54,242 --> 00:51:56,158 You lot aren't my friends any more. 855 00:52:02,325 --> 00:52:04,117 Safe, is he? 856 00:52:04,242 --> 00:52:08,408 She didn't see anything, man. I swear to God, she didn't see the... 857 00:52:08,533 --> 00:52:11,242 The bolts and the... I'll sort this out. 858 00:52:11,367 --> 00:52:14,117 I'll sort it out, man. Just give me a minute. 859 00:52:14,242 --> 00:52:15,867 I'll go down and sort this shit out. 860 00:52:15,992 --> 00:52:18,158 You are going to sort it out cos you're going to kill her. 861 00:52:18,283 --> 00:52:19,325 Kill her? 862 00:52:21,075 --> 00:52:23,325 We're gonna kill her? 863 00:52:23,450 --> 00:52:25,367 Not us, Waj. Hass. 864 00:52:26,992 --> 00:52:28,867 You want me to kill her? 865 00:52:30,200 --> 00:52:33,033 What, you can fuck her but you can't kill her? What's wrong with you? 866 00:52:38,533 --> 00:52:41,533 Give him your pocket knife, Barry. 867 00:52:41,658 --> 00:52:44,700 There we go. There. Knife and fork. Make a fucking meal of it. 868 00:52:47,575 --> 00:52:50,700 I'm not joking, bro. Do I look like I'm joking? 869 00:52:50,825 --> 00:52:52,450 No. Now go on your way. 870 00:53:03,783 --> 00:53:04,825 How do I do it? 871 00:53:04,950 --> 00:53:07,700 Cut her head off and bring it back in a bucket. 872 00:53:08,408 --> 00:53:09,450 Chop her head off? 873 00:53:09,575 --> 00:53:12,575 We're not really gonna kill her, are we? You fucking idiot! 874 00:53:12,700 --> 00:53:14,658 Why don't we just call up the pigs and dob ourselves in. 875 00:53:14,783 --> 00:53:17,492 That'd be clever. A body on our hands to trail back to us. 876 00:53:17,617 --> 00:53:18,950 Shut up! 877 00:53:19,075 --> 00:53:20,867 What are we gonna do with all this? 878 00:53:20,992 --> 00:53:23,033 She's seen it now. We've got to move it now. 879 00:53:23,158 --> 00:53:25,617 - We're gonna put it in Barry's allotment. - We'll put it... 880 00:53:25,658 --> 00:53:27,533 Shut up, Barry. Solved. Problem solved. 881 00:53:27,658 --> 00:53:29,575 Daddy's come home and wiped everyone's arse, hasn't he? 882 00:53:29,700 --> 00:53:33,492 That's what jihad's about. It's me wiping your arses. 883 00:53:33,617 --> 00:53:35,617 Oh, sorry. One minute. Hello, Gaza? 884 00:53:35,742 --> 00:53:39,450 Yeah, Omar would love to come and help but he can't, he's really busy... 885 00:53:39,575 --> 00:53:42,408 ...wiping up the fountains of shit spraying out the arses of these... 886 00:53:48,533 --> 00:53:50,408 OK, thank you. 887 00:53:56,200 --> 00:53:58,075 Who were on the phone? 888 00:54:04,450 --> 00:54:05,492 Slow down, please. 889 00:54:09,700 --> 00:54:12,200 Get us there in one piece, Barry. Go easy. 890 00:54:13,700 --> 00:54:15,367 Go easy! 891 00:54:18,408 --> 00:54:19,533 Oh! Oh! 892 00:54:19,658 --> 00:54:21,950 Don't rattle the stuff, Barry. Slow down, man. 893 00:54:22,075 --> 00:54:23,783 Use your eyes, boys. We've got a predator. 894 00:54:23,867 --> 00:54:26,242 What, the milk float? 895 00:54:26,367 --> 00:54:29,450 - That's a milk float! - The Feds work undercover, you mug! 896 00:54:30,783 --> 00:54:31,825 No, no. 897 00:54:31,950 --> 00:54:34,033 No, no! 898 00:54:35,075 --> 00:54:36,950 No, don't do this to me! 899 00:54:37,075 --> 00:54:38,492 Come on! 900 00:54:42,492 --> 00:54:44,492 Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck! 901 00:54:45,783 --> 00:54:48,325 Fuck, fuck, fuck it! 902 00:54:50,617 --> 00:54:52,367 - Did you fix this, then, Barry? - Yes, I fixed it! 903 00:54:52,492 --> 00:54:55,158 - Did you? - It's the parts. They're Jewish. 904 00:54:55,283 --> 00:54:57,325 What parts in a car are Jewish? 905 00:55:02,325 --> 00:55:03,992 - Spark plugs? - Spark plugs. 906 00:55:04,117 --> 00:55:07,367 Jews invented spark plugs to control global traffic. 907 00:55:09,242 --> 00:55:12,408 Right, everybody calm down. We're gonna grab the gear and walk. 908 00:55:12,533 --> 00:55:16,033 All right, but check the roofs, boys. There could still be an ambush. 909 00:55:16,158 --> 00:55:18,867 Careful, careful with that. Watch out. 910 00:55:21,367 --> 00:55:23,992 Easy does it. Just act natural. OK? 911 00:55:26,492 --> 00:55:28,783 One jolt and this stuff could go, right? 912 00:55:28,908 --> 00:55:31,367 You got to run smooth, right? 913 00:55:31,492 --> 00:55:34,117 You got to run fast, but you got to run smooth, right? 914 00:55:34,242 --> 00:55:35,658 Like this, right? 915 00:55:35,783 --> 00:55:39,408 This is fast but slow, smooth but fast. 916 00:55:39,533 --> 00:55:42,992 Barry, we're fine! Lads, we're fine! There's no need for any of this. 917 00:55:43,117 --> 00:55:45,825 We're fine, are we? We're fucking surrounded. Look. 918 00:55:45,950 --> 00:55:47,825 - Everybody get off the road. - Omar! 919 00:55:47,950 --> 00:55:51,033 Anybody talks, I'm gonna make them jump up and down till they go bang. 920 00:55:51,158 --> 00:55:54,825 Just keep your mouths shut and let me deal with this, all right? 921 00:55:54,950 --> 00:55:57,700 Hey, man. How's it going? 922 00:55:57,825 --> 00:56:00,158 Nice little one-pack you got going on there, bro. 923 00:56:00,283 --> 00:56:01,617 You're a pint of sauce, Omar. 924 00:56:01,742 --> 00:56:04,950 Have you managed to run a mile yet without stopping for a milkshake? 925 00:56:05,075 --> 00:56:08,033 - Make that 12 miles, Mr Khan. All right, lads? - All right. 926 00:56:08,825 --> 00:56:10,283 What's with the bags? 927 00:56:10,408 --> 00:56:11,533 - Shopping. - Marzipan. 928 00:56:11,658 --> 00:56:12,908 - Toys. - Chicken. 929 00:56:14,700 --> 00:56:17,450 - We're about to go and play football. - Yeah? 930 00:56:17,575 --> 00:56:19,783 We should grab all this kit and head down there to the pitch. 931 00:56:19,908 --> 00:56:21,658 - Yeah. - All right, bro. 932 00:56:21,783 --> 00:56:23,325 Right. See you in a bit, man. 933 00:56:25,742 --> 00:56:28,742 Hey, lads. Wait, look. You forgot this. 934 00:56:28,867 --> 00:56:30,492 - Hey! Hey! - Aahh! 935 00:56:34,700 --> 00:56:36,325 What's that? 936 00:56:36,450 --> 00:56:39,492 That bag's full of really fragile... 937 00:56:39,617 --> 00:56:41,617 ...boots. 938 00:56:41,742 --> 00:56:45,367 - Are they all right? - Yeah. That's just thigh exercises. 939 00:56:46,908 --> 00:56:49,783 - What? - Quad squats. You know, squat jogs. 940 00:56:49,908 --> 00:56:53,283 It's just... It's for the marathon. I thought you'd know. 941 00:56:53,408 --> 00:56:56,450 - Yeah? Squat jogs? - Yeah. 942 00:56:57,158 --> 00:56:58,658 All right, man. See you in a bit. 943 00:56:58,783 --> 00:56:59,950 Like that. 944 00:57:00,075 --> 00:57:01,783 - Squat jogs, yeah? - Yeah, yeah. 945 00:57:02,242 --> 00:57:04,158 - Down? - Bit lower. 946 00:57:04,283 --> 00:57:06,075 - Safe-age, mate! - All right, man. 947 00:57:10,742 --> 00:57:12,492 - Take care, man. - Yeah, yeah. 948 00:57:32,283 --> 00:57:35,575 - All right, brothers? - Oh, Alhamdulillah, bro. 949 00:57:35,700 --> 00:57:36,950 - Yeah. - We skilled it. 950 00:57:37,075 --> 00:57:38,117 Where's Faisal? 951 00:57:38,908 --> 00:57:41,867 Hey, boys. Boys, come and have a look at this. 952 00:57:43,033 --> 00:57:44,533 Can you see him? 953 00:57:46,408 --> 00:57:48,200 Hey, bro! 954 00:57:48,325 --> 00:57:49,700 Run! 955 00:57:50,908 --> 00:57:52,658 Hey, brother Faisal! 956 00:57:52,783 --> 00:57:54,158 Over the wall, Faisal! 957 00:57:54,283 --> 00:57:57,575 - Yeah, run faster, bro! - Yeah, but not too fast! 958 00:58:33,700 --> 00:58:35,158 Where is he? 959 00:58:57,950 --> 00:59:01,200 - It was a martyr's death. - Gone to paradise, innit, brother Omar? 960 00:59:02,575 --> 00:59:06,450 - He disrupted the infrastructure. - How did he do that? 961 00:59:07,533 --> 00:59:09,408 He took out a sheep. 962 00:59:10,367 --> 00:59:12,242 Magnificently took it right out. 963 00:59:14,742 --> 00:59:15,783 Did he? 964 00:59:17,367 --> 00:59:21,533 - Attacked the food supply. - Some of it's in there... with him. 965 00:59:21,658 --> 00:59:24,492 - What? - I couldn't separate it. 966 00:59:26,992 --> 00:59:31,200 So what is he, lads? Is he a martyr or is he a fucking jalfrezi? 967 00:59:31,325 --> 00:59:34,158 - He's a martyr. - Right, this is bullshit! 968 00:59:34,283 --> 00:59:36,867 - He is not a martyr. - Yes, he is. He's part of the war. 969 00:59:36,992 --> 00:59:39,617 What war? The war on kuffar sheep? 970 00:59:39,742 --> 00:59:43,200 - He's the first hero of the final jihad. - He's not a hero, he's a dickhead. 971 00:59:43,325 --> 00:59:45,533 And so are you, you're all dickheads. 972 00:59:45,658 --> 00:59:47,408 Whoa, brother. That is out of order. 973 00:59:47,533 --> 00:59:51,200 I've made a decision, Barry. The mission's off. 974 00:59:51,325 --> 00:59:54,367 It's finished, I'm done with this. 975 00:59:54,492 --> 00:59:57,575 You can't handle the war, brother. You're having a wobble. 976 00:59:57,700 --> 01:00:00,325 I've got nothing to have a wobble about. My conscience is clear. 977 01:00:00,367 --> 01:00:02,158 - You're the one who killed Faisal! - I didn't kill him! 978 01:00:02,283 --> 01:00:04,325 Yes, you did, you brought TV Paki in... 979 01:00:04,450 --> 01:00:06,325 ...after you saw him making an arse out of himself... 980 01:00:06,450 --> 01:00:08,908 ...at a public meeting you shouldn't even have been at. 981 01:00:09,033 --> 01:00:10,533 And he blew our cover. 982 01:00:10,658 --> 01:00:12,783 Ever since then, you've had everybody so paranoid, 983 01:00:12,908 --> 01:00:15,617 ...poor little Faisal's panicked himself to death. 984 01:00:15,742 --> 01:00:18,575 - So really Hassan killed him. - No, you killed him. 985 01:00:18,700 --> 01:00:21,033 No, you killed him. You heard what he said. 986 01:00:21,158 --> 01:00:24,450 - You killed him more. - I thought it was a good thing he died. 987 01:00:24,575 --> 01:00:26,658 Isn't he a martyr? It's a good thing, right? 988 01:00:28,533 --> 01:00:30,158 All right, I did kill him, then. 989 01:00:30,283 --> 01:00:33,325 I martyred him. He's up there now, keeping my seat warm. 990 01:00:36,658 --> 01:00:39,992 - Come on, our kid, let's go. - I think I martyred him a bit, too. 991 01:00:40,117 --> 01:00:41,825 What? 992 01:00:41,950 --> 01:00:45,075 - We got to keep on. - You got a plan, Waj? 993 01:00:46,617 --> 01:00:49,867 - Blow something up. - What are we going to blow up, Waj? 994 01:00:51,242 --> 01:00:53,283 Internet. 995 01:00:53,408 --> 01:00:56,367 We'll blow up the internet for brother Faisal. 996 01:00:56,492 --> 01:00:58,200 We're mujahid, brother, yeah? 997 01:00:58,325 --> 01:00:59,783 Rubber Dinghy Rapids, yeah? 998 01:00:59,908 --> 01:01:02,075 You're not a mujahid. You're a fucking idiot. 999 01:01:02,200 --> 01:01:05,533 Do you think a real mujahid gives a fuck about Rubber Dinghy Rapids... 1000 01:01:05,658 --> 01:01:07,908 ...and gets his deen from The Cat That Went To Mecca, 1001 01:01:08,033 --> 01:01:10,867 ...a book he can't finish cos it's far too fucking advanced for him? 1002 01:01:10,992 --> 01:01:13,867 I tell you what, I've got a plan for you. Why don't you go with... 1003 01:01:16,283 --> 01:01:17,908 ...and lose yourself in the forest? 1004 01:01:54,117 --> 01:01:55,492 Omar! 1005 01:01:59,533 --> 01:02:01,075 Salaam, Omar. 1006 01:02:01,200 --> 01:02:02,908 Salaam alaykum, bro. 1007 01:02:05,825 --> 01:02:09,533 You and your boys look like... something rubbish. 1008 01:02:10,200 --> 01:02:11,658 You all right, Omar? 1009 01:02:13,283 --> 01:02:15,075 Yeah, yeah. I am, as it goes. 1010 01:02:17,033 --> 01:02:20,325 - Listen, can I ask you something? - Why not, brother? 1011 01:02:21,700 --> 01:02:24,867 Screw it, doesn't matter. You've already started doing the face. 1012 01:02:24,992 --> 01:02:26,992 Why not come to our study group, Omar? 1013 01:02:27,117 --> 01:02:29,783 What, and get a four-hour dose of that face? 1014 01:02:29,908 --> 01:02:33,658 The floaty face of the wise bird, hovering on a million quotes, 1015 01:02:33,783 --> 01:02:36,950 ...about to do a massive wisdom shit on my head. 1016 01:02:37,075 --> 01:02:38,533 Forget it. 1017 01:03:09,158 --> 01:03:12,617 Omar, what are you doing? It's the middle of the night. 1018 01:03:13,992 --> 01:03:15,242 What is that? 1019 01:03:15,367 --> 01:03:18,533 - It's a puffin party. - A what? 1020 01:03:18,658 --> 01:03:20,617 - It's a puffin party. - A puffin party? 1021 01:03:20,742 --> 01:03:24,617 - I'm talking to Waj's puffin. - Omar, what are you talking about? 1022 01:03:24,742 --> 01:03:27,408 It's the boys. I've left them. 1023 01:03:27,533 --> 01:03:31,908 Now Hassan's puffin won't talk to me, Waj's puffin's just told me to piss off, 1024 01:03:32,492 --> 01:03:36,075 Barry's puffin's turned all red and is hiding under the pirate hat. 1025 01:03:38,242 --> 01:03:40,408 Faisal's dead. 1026 01:03:41,700 --> 01:03:43,658 He's dead. They... 1027 01:03:43,783 --> 01:03:48,367 He was carrying explosives and he tripped up over a sheep. 1028 01:03:50,950 --> 01:03:53,158 They're total idiots, Sof. 1029 01:03:55,658 --> 01:03:58,992 Well, it must have been God's plan for him to be blown up on a sheep. 1030 01:04:00,617 --> 01:04:03,658 Come on, Sof. How can that be God's plan? 1031 01:04:03,783 --> 01:04:08,033 Well, it can't be God's plan to leave the lads with Barry, can it? 1032 01:04:12,117 --> 01:04:13,783 Come here. 1033 01:04:17,158 --> 01:04:20,742 You were much more fun when you were gonna blow yourself up, love. 1034 01:04:22,325 --> 01:04:24,950 I am gonna blow myself up, right? 1035 01:04:25,075 --> 01:04:29,325 Just not in a mosque or in a chemist's or on top of a duck. 1036 01:04:29,450 --> 01:04:33,533 Right, well, if they're gonna blow themselves up in the wrong place, 1037 01:04:33,658 --> 01:04:37,242 ...you've got to make sure you all blow up in the right place. 1038 01:04:39,200 --> 01:04:42,908 Sof, I can't even get them to stir their tea without smashing a window. 1039 01:04:43,033 --> 01:04:46,825 What does your heart say, hmm? 1040 01:04:46,950 --> 01:04:48,742 God's in your heart, Dad. 1041 01:04:48,867 --> 01:04:51,158 Oi, you, come here. 1042 01:04:52,700 --> 01:04:54,617 Sorry, I heard talking. 1043 01:04:55,950 --> 01:04:58,575 Can we finish off the story about Simba's jihad? 1044 01:04:58,700 --> 01:05:01,283 Yeah, we can do that tomorrow. Come on, off to bed. 1045 01:05:01,408 --> 01:05:03,325 Does he become a martyr, eh, Dad? 1046 01:05:05,450 --> 01:05:08,575 Don't you worry, cos even if he gets blown to bits, 1047 01:05:08,700 --> 01:05:10,158 ...he's gonna die smiling. 1048 01:05:10,283 --> 01:05:13,617 - He'll go straight to heaven. - Yeah. 1049 01:05:13,742 --> 01:05:16,408 He'll be in heaven before his head hits the ceiling. 1050 01:05:32,867 --> 01:05:38,575 An Asian man's head was found less than 2 miles from the city centre today. 1051 01:05:38,700 --> 01:05:41,825 Steven Fap discovered the Asian man's head... 1052 01:05:41,950 --> 01:05:44,783 ...when it nearly fell onto his dog out of a tree. 1053 01:05:44,908 --> 01:05:47,533 A head fell out of the tree and nearly hit my dog. 1054 01:05:47,658 --> 01:05:49,700 The man has not been identified, 1055 01:05:49,825 --> 01:05:54,450 ...but it seems that he may have died while trying to cause an explosion. 1056 01:06:03,950 --> 01:06:06,200 - Yo, Matt... Is Matt here? - He's in the back. 1057 01:06:06,325 --> 01:06:08,408 - Terry, step outside, bro. - Say that again. 1058 01:06:08,533 --> 01:06:10,283 I need you to go outside. Get a doughnut. 1059 01:06:10,408 --> 01:06:13,783 - I've got one. - Get another one. 1060 01:06:13,908 --> 01:06:15,283 - Matt? - Oh, thanks! 1061 01:06:15,408 --> 01:06:16,575 - Omar? - Yeah, mate. 1062 01:06:16,700 --> 01:06:19,492 - Can you can help me with this? - I got to ask you something first. 1063 01:06:19,575 --> 01:06:21,533 I booked a clown and they gave me this. 1064 01:06:21,658 --> 01:06:24,242 It's the wrong way up. I can't run in a wrong-way-up clown! 1065 01:06:24,367 --> 01:06:25,742 They said, "You ordered it." 1066 01:06:25,867 --> 01:06:27,950 - Why would I order a wrong-way-up clown? - It's fine. 1067 01:06:28,075 --> 01:06:30,492 - I can sort you out. - I didn't even know what one was. 1068 01:06:30,617 --> 01:06:33,367 I can sort you out with another costume so you can do the marathon. 1069 01:06:33,492 --> 01:06:36,783 I said, "You're gonna cause a pile-up at the marathon with me..." 1070 01:06:36,908 --> 01:06:39,950 "...flat to my arse in a costume I can't even bloody believe exists." 1071 01:06:40,075 --> 01:06:43,533 I've got you a rabbit costume at home. You can run the marathon in that. 1072 01:06:43,658 --> 01:06:45,367 - Can I run in a rabbit? - Course you can. 1073 01:06:45,492 --> 01:06:48,117 It's amazing. It's a rabbit, right? Panic over. Done? 1074 01:06:48,242 --> 01:06:50,283 - Yes, I'm sorry. - I've got to ask you something. 1075 01:06:50,408 --> 01:06:52,325 Have you? Have you seen the news? 1076 01:06:52,450 --> 01:06:54,575 - Yeah, the head. - What do you know about that? 1077 01:06:54,700 --> 01:06:57,158 Well, they're just saying it's jihadi. 1078 01:06:57,283 --> 01:06:59,825 They've got him. Filmed him blowing up a crow. 1079 01:07:00,783 --> 01:07:04,825 Its not jihadi, though, is it, Omar, blowing up a crow? 1080 01:07:05,658 --> 01:07:06,700 Omar? 1081 01:07:07,742 --> 01:07:11,617 No, it's a cultural thing. We bazooka-ed an ostrich at that wedding I was at. 1082 01:07:11,742 --> 01:07:15,242 - Yeah? - Yeah, I... I've got to go, Matt. 1083 01:07:21,908 --> 01:07:22,950 Shit! 1084 01:07:24,992 --> 01:07:26,450 God help us. 1085 01:07:30,867 --> 01:07:34,575 - That's the police, man. - All right. Arm yourselves. 1086 01:07:35,742 --> 01:07:37,450 All right? 1087 01:07:38,242 --> 01:07:39,825 - Oi. - Get out of my way, Barry. 1088 01:07:40,200 --> 01:07:43,992 Oi! Fuck off out the back door! You're not part of this now. 1089 01:07:44,117 --> 01:07:46,908 Lads, this is an emergency. They found Faisal's head. 1090 01:07:47,033 --> 01:07:49,825 The head that you buried 5 feet underneath your shed... 1091 01:07:49,950 --> 01:07:51,742 ...fell out of a tree onto a dog. 1092 01:07:51,867 --> 01:07:53,742 Good. Dogs contradict Islam. 1093 01:07:53,867 --> 01:07:55,492 Dibble is onto us, lads. 1094 01:07:56,158 --> 01:07:59,283 - Dibble is on to us. - I told you, it was a knee. 1095 01:07:59,408 --> 01:08:01,367 That was a head. It was obviously a head. 1096 01:08:01,408 --> 01:08:02,575 It had a hinge! 1097 01:08:03,700 --> 01:08:05,742 Right. So, I've just seen Matt. 1098 01:08:05,867 --> 01:08:08,283 Matt is running the London marathon tomorrow. 1099 01:08:08,408 --> 01:08:09,950 He's doing it in costume. 1100 01:08:10,075 --> 01:08:11,992 You know they run in costume? Well, so can we. 1101 01:08:12,117 --> 01:08:14,950 We can disguise the gear in there and it's perfect. 1102 01:08:15,075 --> 01:08:17,908 We've got live TV, prime targets all along the road. 1103 01:08:18,033 --> 01:08:20,033 We've got a target, Omar. It's the mosque. 1104 01:08:20,158 --> 01:08:21,200 When you meet God, 1105 01:08:21,325 --> 01:08:23,950 ...do you want to tell him, "I struck a blow for the brothers"? 1106 01:08:24,075 --> 01:08:27,825 - Or "I blew a load of them up"? - Blew a load of 'em up. He'll love that. 1107 01:08:27,950 --> 01:08:30,283 Come on, lads. Waj? 1108 01:08:30,408 --> 01:08:32,658 I'm not on your side any more, brother Omar. 1109 01:08:34,700 --> 01:08:37,200 - You ripped me up, bro. - Mashallah. 1110 01:08:37,325 --> 01:08:38,783 Waj, bro... 1111 01:08:40,283 --> 01:08:42,075 I'm really sorry. 1112 01:08:42,200 --> 01:08:44,533 My head was in a mess cos of Faisal. 1113 01:08:46,033 --> 01:08:47,950 I should've stayed. 1114 01:08:49,492 --> 01:08:51,075 Why didn't you, then? 1115 01:08:51,200 --> 01:08:52,742 Cos I made a mistake. 1116 01:08:52,867 --> 01:08:56,117 But you didn't. You listened to your heart and you did the right thing. 1117 01:08:58,200 --> 01:09:01,783 No, ignore him, Waj. He's being nice. 1118 01:09:01,908 --> 01:09:04,325 You cannot win an argument just by being nice. 1119 01:09:04,450 --> 01:09:07,158 Not just by being nice, Baz. I'm right as well, aren't I? 1120 01:09:07,283 --> 01:09:09,450 You cannot win an argument just by being right. 1121 01:09:10,700 --> 01:09:12,408 - No? - No. No way. 1122 01:09:13,575 --> 01:09:16,742 - I think maybe you can, Barry? - Who asked you, fuck-brain? 1123 01:09:24,617 --> 01:09:27,158 Barry's not a good emir, brother Omar. 1124 01:09:27,283 --> 01:09:30,033 He made me do bad stuff in the woods. 1125 01:09:30,158 --> 01:09:31,617 Like what? 1126 01:09:33,533 --> 01:09:36,908 He said, if I was a proper mujahid, 1127 01:09:37,033 --> 01:09:38,908 I'd wiz in my own mouth. 1128 01:09:40,117 --> 01:09:43,325 You made him wee in his own gob? 1129 01:09:44,242 --> 01:09:46,242 What is wrong with you, bro? 1130 01:09:46,367 --> 01:09:47,950 It's submission. It's the rules of submission. 1131 01:09:48,075 --> 01:09:50,408 It felt really bad, brother. 1132 01:09:50,533 --> 01:09:52,742 It's not too tricky once you get the aim right, 1133 01:09:52,867 --> 01:09:55,867 ...but it just feels like really proper wrong. 1134 01:09:56,908 --> 01:09:59,492 All wee splashing off your teeth. 1135 01:10:04,658 --> 01:10:10,325 Bro, I swear, bro, I may ask you to blow yourself up... 1136 01:10:10,450 --> 01:10:13,033 ...but I will never ask you to piss in your own mouth. 1137 01:10:14,617 --> 01:10:16,450 - Yeah? - Yeah, bro. Promise. 1138 01:10:18,492 --> 01:10:21,492 - No more widdle in my gob. - Promise, bro. 1139 01:10:23,742 --> 01:10:25,450 Rubber Dinghy Rapids. 1140 01:10:27,742 --> 01:10:30,575 Rubber Dinghy Rapids, brother. 1141 01:10:30,700 --> 01:10:32,367 Rubber Dinghy Rapids. 1142 01:10:39,367 --> 01:10:40,700 See this, brother Hass? 1143 01:10:40,825 --> 01:10:43,450 It's gays at work. It's not Muslims, it's gays. 1144 01:10:43,575 --> 01:10:46,575 OK, brother Hass, marathon or mosque? 1145 01:10:48,117 --> 01:10:51,742 - Either way, we're gonna blow, right? - Yeah, to pieces, brother. 1146 01:10:51,867 --> 01:10:55,283 Yeah, but... we die smiling, bro. 1147 01:11:01,367 --> 01:11:03,617 Yeah, wicked. 1148 01:11:03,742 --> 01:11:05,325 Wicked. Yeah, man. 1149 01:11:05,450 --> 01:11:07,867 Let's blow up a load offit slags at the marathon, yeah? 1150 01:11:07,992 --> 01:11:08,992 Oh, yes! 1151 01:11:09,117 --> 01:11:10,700 Yes, bro. 1152 01:11:10,825 --> 01:11:12,325 Wicked. Yes! 1153 01:11:12,450 --> 01:11:14,033 Come on, Barry. We're lions, bro. 1154 01:11:14,158 --> 01:11:15,783 - Four lions. - Yes! 1155 01:11:15,908 --> 01:11:17,825 Good lad. 1156 01:11:21,408 --> 01:11:22,992 Down on the floor! 1157 01:11:43,408 --> 01:11:45,033 I'll be two minutes. 1158 01:11:57,825 --> 01:12:00,033 What's it concerning? 1159 01:12:00,158 --> 01:12:02,450 We trying to ascertain the whereabouts of your brother-in-law. 1160 01:12:02,575 --> 01:12:03,617 Why, what's up? 1161 01:12:03,742 --> 01:12:05,992 Tell us when you saw him last. 1162 01:12:07,158 --> 01:12:09,158 Well... 1163 01:12:09,283 --> 01:12:10,950 I can't remember the last time I saw him. 1164 01:12:13,992 --> 01:12:16,367 Right, nurse, still on shift? Sorry. 1165 01:12:16,492 --> 01:12:19,742 So, I've got the stats back from cubicle seven. 1166 01:12:19,867 --> 01:12:22,700 They need some more blood supplies for the knee. 1167 01:12:22,825 --> 01:12:23,867 The what? 1168 01:12:23,992 --> 01:12:26,742 Yes, the knee string. The knee string's come off. 1169 01:12:26,867 --> 01:12:28,950 Hm. 1170 01:12:29,075 --> 01:12:31,075 I've finished my shift now. 1171 01:12:31,200 --> 01:12:34,158 So I'm going to take my team up to the top floor. 1172 01:12:34,283 --> 01:12:35,492 - Right? - OK. 1173 01:12:35,617 --> 01:12:37,158 So I'll see you up there. 1174 01:12:39,033 --> 01:12:40,367 Yeah? 1175 01:12:41,908 --> 01:12:43,492 - OK. - Yeah? 1176 01:12:43,617 --> 01:12:46,325 You all right, lads. You going to arrest me? 1177 01:12:46,450 --> 01:12:47,783 - No, no. - Carry on. 1178 01:12:47,908 --> 01:12:49,742 OK. 1179 01:12:54,158 --> 01:12:58,283 Right, so your brother-in-law, when was the last time you saw him? 1180 01:12:58,408 --> 01:13:00,992 Er, like I said, about two months ago. 1181 01:14:17,075 --> 01:14:18,950 Come on lads, we're late. 1182 01:14:21,450 --> 01:14:23,533 - Is it all right? - It's all right there now. 1183 01:14:23,658 --> 01:14:25,825 - Yeah. - Right, we're nearly done, our kid. 1184 01:14:25,950 --> 01:14:27,492 Yeah, nearly done. 1185 01:14:27,617 --> 01:14:29,158 - OK? - Yeah. 1186 01:14:35,075 --> 01:14:36,575 Mujahid, brothers! 1187 01:14:36,700 --> 01:14:39,742 - Mujahid. - Mujahid, brother Hassan. 1188 01:14:39,867 --> 01:14:41,117 Mujahid! 1189 01:14:44,700 --> 01:14:46,408 Defo right thing, yeah, bro? 1190 01:14:46,533 --> 01:14:47,908 What? 1191 01:14:48,033 --> 01:14:50,325 Blowing up kuffar and that? 1192 01:14:50,450 --> 01:14:52,783 - Totally legit, yeah? - Yeah. 1193 01:14:52,908 --> 01:14:54,367 Good. Wicked. 1194 01:14:55,325 --> 01:14:57,700 I was just... just checking and that. 1195 01:14:59,450 --> 01:15:03,158 Waj, don't listen to your brain, bro. 1196 01:15:03,283 --> 01:15:06,825 OK? The shaitan, he gets in there with his wasa-wasa. 1197 01:15:06,950 --> 01:15:10,783 What you've got to do, you've got to listen to your heart. Remember? 1198 01:15:10,908 --> 01:15:14,658 - My heart. Yeah, brother Omar. - So, what does your heart say? 1199 01:15:14,783 --> 01:15:16,533 It says, er... 1200 01:15:16,658 --> 01:15:18,742 "It's wrong, Waj, don't do it." 1201 01:15:22,742 --> 01:15:24,200 And what does your brain say? 1202 01:15:28,908 --> 01:15:30,950 "We're here..." 1203 01:15:32,408 --> 01:15:34,867 "...together, strapped up," 1204 01:15:34,992 --> 01:15:37,950 "...and it would be, like, well pathetic to cop out now." 1205 01:15:38,075 --> 01:15:40,242 Right, um... 1206 01:15:40,367 --> 01:15:44,117 - So he should listen to his brain. - No, he's got to listen to his heart, Barry. 1207 01:15:44,242 --> 01:15:47,908 Anyway, this is Waj's brain. Since when do we listen to Waj's brain? 1208 01:15:48,033 --> 01:15:50,367 - Sorry, bro. - No, I agree. I'm thick as fudge. 1209 01:15:50,492 --> 01:15:53,283 His brain says do it, so his brain's got to be right! 1210 01:15:53,992 --> 01:15:56,700 That can't be his brain, right? That's his heart, Barry. 1211 01:15:56,825 --> 01:16:00,575 - Feels like my brain, brother. - OK, this is what's happened. 1212 01:16:02,575 --> 01:16:05,075 What's happened is, the shaitan has confused you. 1213 01:16:06,617 --> 01:16:08,617 He's swapped round your brain and your heart. 1214 01:16:08,742 --> 01:16:13,367 So, don't listen to what you think is your heart, 1215 01:16:13,492 --> 01:16:15,367 ...cos that's actually your brain - 1216 01:16:15,492 --> 01:16:18,367 ...in disguise as your heart. 1217 01:16:18,492 --> 01:16:21,408 Right? And what you thought was your brain, 1218 01:16:21,533 --> 01:16:23,617 ...that's... that's your heart. 1219 01:16:25,492 --> 01:16:27,492 That's actually your heart. 1220 01:16:27,617 --> 01:16:29,367 My brain is my heart. 1221 01:16:29,492 --> 01:16:32,033 You got it, our kid. So just... 1222 01:16:32,575 --> 01:16:33,617 What's up there? 1223 01:16:33,742 --> 01:16:34,867 Heart. 1224 01:16:37,075 --> 01:16:38,992 OK? Yeah? Follow your heart. 1225 01:16:39,117 --> 01:16:40,492 Nice one, brother. 1226 01:16:40,617 --> 01:16:43,325 - Right? - Nice one. Alhamdulillah. 1227 01:16:44,742 --> 01:16:46,492 - Hey, hey! - What? 1228 01:16:47,158 --> 01:16:49,533 Oh, behn choad! 1229 01:16:49,658 --> 01:16:51,533 We're doing a fun run for a kid's charity. 1230 01:16:51,658 --> 01:16:53,783 Stretches, stretches, stretches. 1231 01:16:53,908 --> 01:16:56,200 - We're running for charity. - What kind of charity? 1232 01:16:56,325 --> 01:16:57,867 - For kids. - What kind of kids? 1233 01:16:57,992 --> 01:16:59,158 Policemen's kids. 1234 01:17:00,700 --> 01:17:02,742 You all right, officer? 1235 01:17:02,867 --> 01:17:05,408 - Late for the fun run, lads? - What's it to you? 1236 01:17:05,533 --> 01:17:09,742 Yeah, we are, actually. Do you know how we can get to the red zone? 1237 01:17:12,033 --> 01:17:14,117 You can't run in that, can you? 1238 01:17:15,575 --> 01:17:17,658 He just drew the short straw. 1239 01:17:18,992 --> 01:17:20,867 Four short straws were there? 1240 01:17:25,617 --> 01:17:27,908 Red zone? It's back down there, left. 1241 01:17:28,033 --> 01:17:31,950 Second left again, then there's marshals. They'll tell you where to park. 1242 01:17:32,075 --> 01:17:33,533 Thank you. 1243 01:17:34,700 --> 01:17:36,492 You're gonna die in that gear, lads. 1244 01:17:39,242 --> 01:17:41,408 - That's more than likely. - Proper likely. 1245 01:17:41,533 --> 01:17:43,617 We're all going to die, yeah. 1246 01:17:43,742 --> 01:17:45,992 It's all for a good cause, though. 1247 01:17:48,867 --> 01:17:50,742 Well, good luck. 1248 01:17:52,700 --> 01:17:54,283 Have a good day. 1249 01:17:54,408 --> 01:17:56,450 Everybody OK? Everybody strapped up? 1250 01:17:56,575 --> 01:18:00,075 Got your detonator on? Hass, you got your number? 1251 01:18:00,200 --> 01:18:01,950 Hass, have you got your number? 1252 01:18:02,908 --> 01:18:03,867 Hey! 1253 01:18:03,992 --> 01:18:05,742 - Where the fuck has he gone? - Shit! 1254 01:18:05,867 --> 01:18:07,325 What the fuck's he doing? 1255 01:18:07,450 --> 01:18:09,158 Help! Help! 1256 01:18:09,283 --> 01:18:11,492 - I'm accidentally a suicide bomber! - Stop! 1257 01:18:12,533 --> 01:18:14,908 - I've got a bomb! - He's bottled it. 1258 01:18:15,033 --> 01:18:17,200 It's the costume. The legs make the hands go up. 1259 01:18:17,325 --> 01:18:20,367 - I've got a bomb but it's a mistake! - No, he said he's got a bomb. 1260 01:18:20,492 --> 01:18:23,533 - You've got a bomb? - Yeah, but I'm not a bomber! 1261 01:18:23,658 --> 01:18:25,950 Don't worry. 1262 01:18:26,075 --> 01:18:28,158 - This is a fucking bad prank, mate! - No, no! 1263 01:18:28,283 --> 01:18:31,158 No, I'm real, but not any more. 1264 01:18:31,908 --> 01:18:33,533 You're real but not any more? 1265 01:18:33,658 --> 01:18:35,742 I don't understand. Have you got a bomb? 1266 01:18:35,867 --> 01:18:37,575 Yes, but it's not going to go off. 1267 01:18:37,700 --> 01:18:40,283 - How do I know that? - Look. 1268 01:18:48,617 --> 01:18:50,742 We've got to go, now. 1269 01:18:50,867 --> 01:18:53,283 We need to go, now. 1270 01:18:53,408 --> 01:18:55,283 Now! 1271 01:19:03,242 --> 01:19:04,575 Go! Come on, go! 1272 01:19:05,075 --> 01:19:08,492 Waj, try and find some targets. I'll see you on the top floor, our kid. 1273 01:19:08,617 --> 01:19:10,075 Radisson-style penthouse suite! 1274 01:19:10,200 --> 01:19:11,450 Smooth running, Waj. 1275 01:19:11,575 --> 01:19:14,033 "Smooth running, Waj. Smooth running." 1276 01:19:15,200 --> 01:19:17,575 - You killed Hassan! - He bottled. 1277 01:19:17,700 --> 01:19:20,033 You took away his choice. You de-martyred him. 1278 01:19:20,158 --> 01:19:22,075 Did Waj have a choice when you told him... 1279 01:19:22,200 --> 01:19:25,575 ...his heart was his brain and his gob was his ring piece? 1280 01:19:25,700 --> 01:19:27,325 You tomatoed your friend. 1281 01:19:27,450 --> 01:19:30,075 - Barry... - You've killed the special-needs donkey. 1282 01:19:32,533 --> 01:19:33,575 No, I haven't. 1283 01:19:34,325 --> 01:19:35,908 Let him blow! 1284 01:19:36,033 --> 01:19:38,117 Let the retard blow! 1285 01:19:40,950 --> 01:19:42,450 Fuck! 1286 01:20:13,825 --> 01:20:15,117 Oi, you, stop! 1287 01:20:46,617 --> 01:20:47,658 All right, bro? 1288 01:20:47,867 --> 01:20:48,908 Hey! 1289 01:20:53,408 --> 01:20:54,908 Stay there! 1290 01:20:55,033 --> 01:20:57,783 I'm fucking loaded! Yeah? 1291 01:20:57,908 --> 01:21:00,617 No messing now, yeah? 1292 01:21:00,742 --> 01:21:03,617 That's it. Stay there. 1293 01:21:09,450 --> 01:21:11,492 Shut it. Shut the metal. Shut it. 1294 01:21:11,617 --> 01:21:12,908 Shut it! 1295 01:21:15,033 --> 01:21:17,492 Right, lads. See this, yeah? 1296 01:21:17,617 --> 01:21:18,950 Any of you do anything, 1297 01:21:19,700 --> 01:21:21,992 ...we're all turning baked beans, all right? 1298 01:21:22,117 --> 01:21:24,200 No fucking messing now. Yeah? 1299 01:21:27,075 --> 01:21:30,533 Target confirmations are ostrich and grizzly bear. 1300 01:21:30,658 --> 01:21:32,742 Ostrich and grizzly bear are the targets. 1301 01:21:40,367 --> 01:21:42,992 The bear is down. Repeat, the bear is down. I got the bear. 1302 01:21:43,117 --> 01:21:45,408 I think that's a wookie. That's a wookie. 1303 01:21:45,533 --> 01:21:46,908 No, it's not, it's a bear. 1304 01:21:48,242 --> 01:21:49,700 Is a wookie a bear, control? 1305 01:21:49,825 --> 01:21:53,575 The bear target has changed. Target bear is now target Honey Monster. 1306 01:21:53,700 --> 01:21:55,950 Is a honey monster a bear? 1307 01:21:56,075 --> 01:21:58,533 A honey monster is not a bear. 1308 01:21:59,325 --> 01:22:01,075 A honey monster is a bear. 1309 01:22:01,200 --> 01:22:03,825 The honey monster is down. He was a target. He was a bear. 1310 01:22:03,950 --> 01:22:05,200 The honey monster is down? 1311 01:22:05,325 --> 01:22:08,617 The honey monster is not down, control. We have a wookie down. 1312 01:22:08,742 --> 01:22:11,533 - What's a wookie? - A bear. It's a bear! 1313 01:22:11,658 --> 01:22:14,575 No, it is a wookie. You've just shot it as a bear. 1314 01:22:14,700 --> 01:22:17,242 - Is a wookie a bear? - It's a bear. Repeat, it's a bear. 1315 01:22:17,367 --> 01:22:19,450 The wookie is down. The wookie is not the target. 1316 01:22:19,575 --> 01:22:22,492 Well, it must be the target. I just shot it. 1317 01:22:28,325 --> 01:22:31,325 I'll just finish this, then we're all off to heaven, all right? 1318 01:22:32,325 --> 01:22:34,408 Martyrs' suite, VIP lounge. 1319 01:22:35,742 --> 01:22:36,908 Are you going to kill us? 1320 01:22:37,033 --> 01:22:40,575 Well, I might have some seconds, but I kind of am, yeah. 1321 01:22:41,492 --> 01:22:42,575 Why? 1322 01:22:42,700 --> 01:22:45,533 For jihad, man. Kuffar and that. 1323 01:22:45,658 --> 01:22:47,158 But we support jihad, bro. 1324 01:22:48,450 --> 01:22:51,033 I can't explain it, lads, but... 1325 01:22:51,158 --> 01:22:53,283 If brother Omar were here, 1326 01:22:53,408 --> 01:22:55,992 I swear he'd tell you knowledge proper good. 1327 01:23:17,908 --> 01:23:19,992 - Omar? - Waj? 1328 01:23:20,117 --> 01:23:21,742 - Are you in paradise, bro? - No, bro. 1329 01:23:21,867 --> 01:23:24,658 - I'm in a cafe. Where are you? - I'm in a kebab shop. 1330 01:23:24,783 --> 01:23:28,075 I've got hostages and everything, like Xbox Counter-Strike. 1331 01:23:28,200 --> 01:23:31,783 - Right, listen, Waj. You've got to... - Thing is, they're all brothers. 1332 01:23:31,908 --> 01:23:36,075 I still get points for taking them with me, though, yeah? Like Nectar card? 1333 01:23:38,075 --> 01:23:39,867 Omar? 1334 01:23:39,992 --> 01:23:43,242 - Let them all go. Just keep one of them. - Eh? 1335 01:23:44,575 --> 01:23:47,033 Just grab one of them. Let the rest of them go, Waj. 1336 01:23:47,158 --> 01:23:48,325 OK. 1337 01:23:49,158 --> 01:23:51,075 Right, you stay. 1338 01:23:51,200 --> 01:23:52,658 You three can go. 1339 01:23:55,575 --> 01:23:56,992 Go! 1340 01:23:57,117 --> 01:23:58,242 OK. Now listen, Waj. 1341 01:23:58,367 --> 01:24:00,783 What you were saying before about this being wrong, 1342 01:24:00,908 --> 01:24:02,533 ...you were right, it is wrong. 1343 01:24:02,658 --> 01:24:04,533 - I don't... What do you mean? - For you. 1344 01:24:04,658 --> 01:24:06,867 For you, Waj, doing what you're doing is wrong. 1345 01:24:06,992 --> 01:24:10,492 Yeah, I know. It feels really wrong, bro. But that's why it's right, yeah? 1346 01:24:11,450 --> 01:24:13,575 No, you're confused, bro. 1347 01:24:13,700 --> 01:24:15,158 I'm not confused, brother. 1348 01:24:15,283 --> 01:24:18,075 Yes, you are confused. I confused you. 1349 01:24:18,200 --> 01:24:20,283 But when I'm confused, I got my confused face. 1350 01:24:20,408 --> 01:24:21,742 Wait. 1351 01:24:30,825 --> 01:24:34,700 Bro, I just took a picture of my face. It's defo not my confused face. 1352 01:24:34,825 --> 01:24:36,783 - Waj, I don't need... - I'll send it you. 1353 01:24:36,908 --> 01:24:38,783 Waj. Waj, wait. 1354 01:24:38,908 --> 01:24:40,575 Listen to me, Waj. Wait. 1355 01:24:40,700 --> 01:24:43,908 "Listen to me." It's too late to stick your hand up his arse now. 1356 01:24:47,367 --> 01:24:48,575 Aargh! 1357 01:24:48,700 --> 01:24:49,867 Oh! 1358 01:24:49,992 --> 01:24:52,242 Ah, look at the Paki Bono. 1359 01:24:52,367 --> 01:24:53,783 You want to call him? 1360 01:24:53,908 --> 01:24:55,867 You want to call the special-needs donkey? 1361 01:24:55,992 --> 01:24:57,533 Here you go. 1362 01:24:57,658 --> 01:24:59,325 You forgot the SIM card. 1363 01:25:10,617 --> 01:25:12,075 Mind out. Mind out the way. 1364 01:25:13,533 --> 01:25:15,367 Easy, chap. OK. 1365 01:25:15,492 --> 01:25:18,283 It's all right, I can Heimlich. That's it, don't fight me. 1366 01:25:18,408 --> 01:25:20,658 - Wait. - I've done this before, sonny. 1367 01:25:20,783 --> 01:25:22,117 That's it. Don't fight it. 1368 01:25:22,242 --> 01:25:23,742 That's it, that's it. 1369 01:25:25,908 --> 01:25:27,658 And catch the peanut! 1370 01:25:52,242 --> 01:25:54,908 Number withheld. I don't do "number withheld". 1371 01:25:55,033 --> 01:25:56,575 Answer it, bro. It could be important! 1372 01:25:56,700 --> 01:25:58,992 Hey, yeah. Maybe I won an iPhone. 1373 01:26:00,242 --> 01:26:02,200 - Waj? - Have I won? 1374 01:26:02,325 --> 01:26:06,033 Waj, this is Ed. I'm with Special Branch. I'm just outside. 1375 01:26:06,158 --> 01:26:09,158 - How did you get this number? - Waj, can we talk? 1376 01:26:09,283 --> 01:26:12,200 - Have you got agents at Orange? - I'm sorry? 1377 01:26:12,325 --> 01:26:16,117 You've got proper double agents working at Orange, haven't you? 1378 01:26:16,242 --> 01:26:19,200 I knew I should have gone to O2. I've got loads of friends on O2. 1379 01:26:19,325 --> 01:26:22,158 Waj, what are your demands? 1380 01:26:24,492 --> 01:26:25,700 I don't have any. 1381 01:26:33,783 --> 01:26:37,783 Excuse me, mate. Have you got a SIM card for this phone, please? 1382 01:26:37,908 --> 01:26:41,450 Not for that model, but we can sort one out for you if you want to come with me. 1383 01:26:41,575 --> 01:26:43,950 Can you make this work. I need it. Is it on? 1384 01:26:44,075 --> 01:26:45,492 It's only a display model. Do you want that one? 1385 01:26:45,617 --> 01:26:46,742 Yeah, I want it. I need it. 1386 01:26:46,867 --> 01:26:49,325 Gordon? Can you get that phone for me, please, mate? 1387 01:26:57,158 --> 01:26:59,367 Waj, why are you doing this? 1388 01:26:59,492 --> 01:27:01,283 Rubber Dinghy Rapids. 1389 01:27:01,992 --> 01:27:03,033 Sorry? 1390 01:27:03,158 --> 01:27:06,867 Rubber Dinghy Rapids, bro. Fast track. 1391 01:27:06,992 --> 01:27:09,242 Straight on the rides, like Alton Towers. 1392 01:27:09,367 --> 01:27:13,117 - No queue. - You like funfairs then, Waj? 1393 01:27:13,242 --> 01:27:15,783 It's not a funfair, bro, it's a theme park. 1394 01:27:15,908 --> 01:27:17,825 Funfair? How old are you? 1395 01:27:17,950 --> 01:27:19,950 Alton Towers got a spa, bro. 1396 01:27:22,283 --> 01:27:23,950 - Just now. - All right, mate. 1397 01:27:24,075 --> 01:27:26,242 I'm doing it for you. Would you like 12 months? 1398 01:27:26,367 --> 01:27:28,492 - Contract? - Any. 1399 01:27:28,617 --> 01:27:30,450 - Do the call plan. - All right, mate. 1400 01:27:30,575 --> 01:27:33,908 Easy, bro, easy. I'm doing it for you. 1401 01:27:34,033 --> 01:27:37,950 - I think I'm going to go now, bro. - Wait, Waj. What about girls? 1402 01:27:38,075 --> 01:27:40,783 I bet you like the ladies. 1403 01:27:40,908 --> 01:27:43,033 Is this your first time, bro? 1404 01:27:43,158 --> 01:27:45,200 Are you a virgin at this? 1405 01:27:46,867 --> 01:27:48,867 Please, Waj, can we talk about girls? 1406 01:27:48,992 --> 01:27:51,408 You fill that out. Fill it out. 1407 01:27:51,533 --> 01:27:53,783 - What sort of call plan would you like? - What? 1408 01:27:53,908 --> 01:27:56,075 We've got the Labrador? The Dragon? 1409 01:27:56,200 --> 01:27:58,533 - Just any? - How about the Hermit Crab? 1410 01:27:58,658 --> 01:28:01,117 - Huh? - It's 1800 free texts. 1411 01:28:02,367 --> 01:28:03,408 Forget it. 1412 01:28:05,033 --> 01:28:06,200 I've still got your card. 1413 01:28:09,700 --> 01:28:11,367 OK, we can talk about girls. 1414 01:28:11,492 --> 01:28:14,783 Right so what sort of girls are you into, then, Waj? 1415 01:28:14,908 --> 01:28:17,533 I don't know. Ones with big jubblies and that. 1416 01:28:17,658 --> 01:28:19,533 - Yeah? You like them big, Waj? - Yeah. 1417 01:28:19,658 --> 01:28:22,117 And nice fit arses, too, man. 1418 01:28:22,242 --> 01:28:24,617 You're an arse man, aren't you, Waj? 1419 01:28:24,742 --> 01:28:27,200 I knew you were, bro. You're an arse man. 1420 01:28:27,325 --> 01:28:29,325 You're a massive arse man. 1421 01:28:29,450 --> 01:28:32,575 - What are you saying? - I'm saying you're an arse man, Waj. 1422 01:28:32,700 --> 01:28:36,075 You giving me batty chirps, bro? You calling me a whammer? 1423 01:28:36,200 --> 01:28:38,825 - No. - Fuck off! 1424 01:28:42,200 --> 01:28:44,575 Fucking Boy George! 1425 01:28:54,325 --> 01:28:55,700 Don't worry, brother Nabil. 1426 01:29:00,700 --> 01:29:02,200 Hold on to these. 1427 01:29:02,325 --> 01:29:03,742 When I press the clicker, 1428 01:29:03,867 --> 01:29:06,283 ...just think about taking out the kuffar. 1429 01:29:06,408 --> 01:29:08,283 You'll be in paradise before me, bro! 1430 01:29:08,408 --> 01:29:10,950 But there's no kuffar here, bro. 1431 01:29:12,575 --> 01:29:14,450 Yeah, but... 1432 01:29:15,283 --> 01:29:18,367 Brother Faisal, he's a martyr and he only blew up a sheep. 1433 01:29:20,575 --> 01:29:23,242 I think you might be confused, brother. 1434 01:29:24,825 --> 01:29:26,283 I'm not. 1435 01:29:27,575 --> 01:29:29,450 You look confused. 1436 01:29:36,033 --> 01:29:37,950 Sorry. Matt! 1437 01:29:38,075 --> 01:29:40,992 - Omar! - Matt! 1438 01:29:41,658 --> 01:29:44,533 Yeah, man, listen. Have you got a signal on your phone? 1439 01:29:45,242 --> 01:29:47,242 Yeah. What are you doing here? 1440 01:29:47,367 --> 01:29:49,575 I'll level with you Matt. I'm Ml5. 1441 01:29:49,700 --> 01:29:52,325 Special undercover job. I'm a spook. 1442 01:29:52,450 --> 01:29:53,908 What? 1443 01:29:54,033 --> 01:29:55,825 So what's going on? 1444 01:29:55,950 --> 01:29:57,492 Fathers 4 Justice. 1445 01:29:58,367 --> 01:30:01,117 They've teamed up with the Real IRA. It's the nightmare scenario. 1446 01:30:02,075 --> 01:30:03,992 - Jesus. - Yeah. Just give me five. 1447 01:30:11,283 --> 01:30:12,950 Fucking "number unknown" again. 1448 01:30:13,075 --> 01:30:15,492 Is that whammer cop going straight to hell or what? 1449 01:30:17,117 --> 01:30:18,908 - What are you doing? - Hello? 1450 01:30:19,033 --> 01:30:21,908 - Hello, Waj, bro. It's Omar. - Omar? 1451 01:30:22,033 --> 01:30:22,992 Omar? 1452 01:30:23,117 --> 01:30:24,908 - Waj. - Tell me what to do, bro. 1453 01:30:25,033 --> 01:30:27,950 I think I might be confused but I'm not sure. 1454 01:30:28,075 --> 01:30:29,825 Listen, bro. You do what I do, right? 1455 01:30:29,950 --> 01:30:31,367 You do the same as me, OK? 1456 01:30:31,492 --> 01:30:33,450 Yes, brother, I'll do the same as you. 1457 01:30:33,575 --> 01:30:36,825 Right, OK. I'm going give myself up, bro. 1458 01:30:36,950 --> 01:30:39,075 - Eh? - I'm going to give myself up, bro. 1459 01:30:44,742 --> 01:30:46,992 Waj? Waj! 1460 01:30:48,450 --> 01:30:50,950 Waj? Waj? 1461 01:30:53,325 --> 01:30:57,742 Brother, what am I? What am I doing, brother? 1462 01:30:58,742 --> 01:31:01,700 - Waj! Waj! - What am I doing, brother? 1463 01:31:01,825 --> 01:31:03,617 - Pick up the phone! - Bro, what am I doing? 1464 01:31:03,700 --> 01:31:05,325 All right, mate? 1465 01:31:06,492 --> 01:31:09,492 I'm sorry, lads. I don't really know what I'm doing. 1466 01:31:19,825 --> 01:31:25,867 What was that? 1467 01:31:32,075 --> 01:31:34,408 Are you all right? 1468 01:31:40,367 --> 01:31:42,367 Omar, are you all right? 1469 01:31:42,492 --> 01:31:45,783 Now, you stay here. And you tell them I were smiling. 1470 01:31:45,908 --> 01:31:47,408 What? 1471 01:31:48,492 --> 01:31:50,742 Smile on my face. Could be important. 1472 01:31:50,867 --> 01:31:53,575 Right... Smile. 1473 01:31:56,117 --> 01:31:57,950 - Is there? - Yeah. 1474 01:32:02,533 --> 01:32:04,408 Where are you going? 1475 01:32:06,117 --> 01:32:08,033 Omar? 1476 01:32:53,367 --> 01:32:58,117 This is RAF Mildenhall, 1477 01:32:58,242 --> 01:33:00,492 ...but it's actually Egypt. 1478 01:33:00,617 --> 01:33:04,992 When you entered the base, you left Britain, 1479 01:33:05,117 --> 01:33:10,158 ...and you passed through US jurisdiction and into this container, 1480 01:33:10,283 --> 01:33:15,075 ...which is internationally recognised as the sovereign territory of Egypt. 1481 01:33:16,825 --> 01:33:19,658 You are now in Egypt. 1482 01:33:21,117 --> 01:33:24,450 There are some pretty hellish Egyptians behind that door there. 1483 01:33:24,575 --> 01:33:28,283 They use electrodes. They use drills. 1484 01:33:29,367 --> 01:33:32,367 Biro refills. Do you know what I mean? 1485 01:33:32,492 --> 01:33:35,242 I don't know anything about my brother. 1486 01:33:39,658 --> 01:33:41,533 We know a lot more than you think we do. 1487 01:33:45,158 --> 01:33:49,408 All right, let's get one thing straight. Omar Khan had nothing to do with this. 1488 01:33:50,992 --> 01:33:53,450 Cos I knew him and I worked with him. 1489 01:33:54,033 --> 01:33:57,325 Did you know he was actually working for Ml5? 1490 01:33:57,450 --> 01:33:59,242 Cos he told me that himself. 1491 01:33:59,367 --> 01:34:04,325 The report makes crystal clear that the police shot the right man, 1492 01:34:04,450 --> 01:34:07,908 ...but, as far as I'm aware, the wrong man exploded. 1493 01:34:08,700 --> 01:34:10,200 Is that clear? 1494 01:34:14,783 --> 01:34:18,533 Today you felt our exploding sword... 1495 01:34:18,658 --> 01:34:21,242 ...in your fat oppressor stomachs, man. 1496 01:34:45,742 --> 01:34:48,908 - Now we've got... - Bro? What were that? 1497 01:34:49,033 --> 01:34:51,242 For my creed, I daheed... 1498 01:34:51,367 --> 01:34:52,825 What's "daheed", though? 1499 01:34:52,950 --> 01:34:54,242 Died. 1500 01:34:54,367 --> 01:34:56,617 - Daheed, died. Daheed. - That's bollocks, man. 1501 01:34:56,742 --> 01:34:59,283 - You're rhyming doolally. - That's clear, man. 1502 01:34:59,408 --> 01:35:00,783 No, no, look. In my opinion... 1503 01:35:00,908 --> 01:35:04,325 Look, no, man. In your opinion? Your opinion's shit, man. 1504 01:35:04,450 --> 01:35:06,783 With all due respect, bro, you like Maroon 5. 1505 01:35:06,908 --> 01:35:08,408 What the fuck's that about? 1506 01:35:08,533 --> 01:35:09,867 - Come here. - Whoa, whoa! 1507 01:35:09,992 --> 01:35:11,908 - Come here, man. - I'm joking! 1508 01:35:30,075 --> 01:35:35,242 When we talk about a so-called terrorist attack on the London marathon, 1509 01:35:35,367 --> 01:35:37,450 ...we should remember one thing: 1510 01:35:37,575 --> 01:35:40,825 Most loud bangs are not bombs, 1511 01:35:40,950 --> 01:35:43,033 ...they're scooters backfiring. 1512 01:35:53,158 --> 01:35:56,200 This footage, taken from an American spy plane. 1513 01:35:56,325 --> 01:36:01,075 Appears to show two trainee Mujahideens struggling with a rocket launcher. 1514 01:36:01,200 --> 01:36:03,992 Firing it at an Arab training camp... 1515 01:36:04,117 --> 01:36:07,908 ...and accidentally blowing up Osama bin Laden. 1516 01:36:14,367 --> 01:36:19,033 The western imperialist culture has left you like materialist junkies, 1517 01:36:19,158 --> 01:36:23,533 ...mainlining iPods and Humvees and TK Maxx into a spiritual void. 1518 01:36:23,658 --> 01:36:25,992 Is Mad Qadeer watching this? 1519 01:36:26,117 --> 01:36:30,825 - What? - Mad Qadeer, cos he owes me £200. 1520 01:36:32,783 --> 01:36:35,408 Mad Qadeer, if you're watching, right, 1521 01:36:35,533 --> 01:36:37,700 ...you owe me £200. 1522 01:36:37,825 --> 01:36:39,617 And you're gonna pay up. 1523 01:36:39,742 --> 01:36:41,575 Cos I'm not here right now. 1524 01:36:41,700 --> 01:36:44,450 I'm somewhere else, but you're still gonna pay. 1525 01:36:46,033 --> 01:36:48,450 You're going to pay Saf. Saf, if you're watching, bro, 1526 01:36:48,575 --> 01:36:50,908 ...you go round Mad Qadeer's house, right, 1527 01:36:51,033 --> 01:36:54,992 and you get him to pay me my £200, cos he's owed it me a long time. 1528 01:36:58,283 --> 01:36:59,825 He owes me money.