1
00:00:07,087 --> 00:00:08,600
AUDIENCE CHATTER EXCITEDLY

2
00:00:11,127 --> 00:00:12,720
AUDIENCE CHEER AND WHISTLE

3
00:00:12,847 --> 00:00:16,761
JOE: Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls.

4
00:00:16,807 --> 00:00:19,845
Please welcome to the stage
your friend and mine

5
00:00:19,927 --> 00:00:24,125
it's Mr Joe Lycett!

6
00:00:24,207 --> 00:00:26,118
AUDIENCE CHEER AND WHISTLE

7
00:00:35,007 --> 00:00:37,396
Oh, lovely, lovely, lovely.
Hello, everyone. Are you well?

8
00:00:38,007 --> 00:00:39,122
AUDIENCE CHEERS

9
00:00:39,167 --> 00:00:40,396
JOE:
Oh, lovely!

10
00:00:40,447 --> 00:00:42,563
Thank you, lovely.
Give me a cheer if you're from London!

11
00:00:42,607 --> 00:00:44,006
PEOPLE CHEER

12
00:00:44,527 --> 00:00:46,643
Lovely. Give me a cheer
if you're from Birmingham.

13
00:00:46,927 --> 00:00:48,281
PEOPLE CHEER

14
00:00:48,367 --> 00:00:49,926
Oh, sure, which part of Birmingham
are you from?

15
00:00:50,287 --> 00:00:51,277
MANS VOICE:
Walsall.

16
00:00:51,487 --> 00:00:53,125
Walsall, gutter trash!

17
00:00:53,247 --> 00:00:54,885
Oh, my word!
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

18
00:00:55,127 --> 00:00:57,357
I will be slagging you off
later on in the show.

19
00:00:57,487 --> 00:00:59,956
Don't worry about... Have you travelled
from Walsall for the show?

20
00:01:00,087 --> 00:01:01,157
JOE: Oh, thank you!

21
00:01:01,487 --> 00:01:03,478
Did you get the train?
I heard the trains were quite bad.

22
00:01:04,367 --> 00:01:06,244
It was fine, it was alright.
Oh, lovely...

23
00:01:06,487 --> 00:01:09,320
Did you get on the fast one,
on the Virgin one, or did you...?

24
00:01:09,767 --> 00:01:11,599
No you didn't.
The cheap, the Chiltern.

25
00:01:11,727 --> 00:01:12,797
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

26
00:01:12,887 --> 00:01:14,525
Proper gutter trash this lot.

27
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AUDIENCE LAUGHS

28
00:01:15,967 --> 00:01:17,605
Lovely air-con
on the Chiltern though, isn't it lovely?

29
00:01:17,727 --> 00:01:20,037
I do that journey a lot.
I wasn't gonna start the show with this.

30
00:01:20,127 --> 00:01:21,606
But here we are now...
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

31
00:01:21,847 --> 00:01:23,963
Well, welcome to the show,
thank you so much for coming along.

32
00:01:24,047 --> 00:01:25,958
Give me a cheer if you feel like
you've travelled the furthest.

33
00:01:26,367 --> 00:01:27,721
SOME AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEER

34
00:01:27,807 --> 00:01:28,922
Where have you travelled from?

35
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The woman who put her hand up.

36
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That's who I'm looking at.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

37
00:01:32,967 --> 00:01:34,924
You weren't expecting a follow up question,
were you?

38
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AUDIENCE LAUGHS

39
00:01:36,287 --> 00:01:37,766
I'm going to come down to your level.

40
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Not intellectually, of course.

41
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AUDIENCE LAUGHS

42
00:01:42,727 --> 00:01:43,683
Hello there.

43
00:01:44,367 --> 00:01:47,086
Don't panic, it'll all be fine.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

44
00:01:47,127 --> 00:01:48,686
What's your name?
- WOMAN: Flora

45
00:01:48,767 --> 00:01:50,724
Hello, Flora,
and who are you here with, Flora?

46
00:01:51,567 --> 00:01:52,682
JOE:
Are you courting?

47
00:01:53,647 --> 00:01:55,718
Banging?
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

48
00:01:55,807 --> 00:01:57,002
When did we start banging?

49
00:01:59,527 --> 00:02:00,722
It's the first date?

50
00:02:00,807 --> 00:02:01,922
No, is it actually?

51
00:02:02,167 --> 00:02:03,316
And you're this trashed?

52
00:02:03,647 --> 00:02:05,001
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

53
00:02:05,087 --> 00:02:06,236
JOE:
Jesus!

54
00:02:08,367 --> 00:02:10,085
Did you... is it a Tinder
or is it like...

55
00:02:10,687 --> 00:02:11,757
Itis. Oh, OK.

56
00:02:11,967 --> 00:02:13,560
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

57
00:02:13,887 --> 00:02:16,720
Well this is being immortalised
on my DVD you realise!

58
00:02:16,887 --> 00:02:18,685
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- JOE: So...

59
00:02:19,327 --> 00:02:20,476
I hope you marry.

60
00:02:21,007 --> 00:02:22,805
If you get married,
I'm coming to the wedding.

61
00:02:22,887 --> 00:02:23,922
We're all coming aren't we?

62
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AUDIENCE: Yeah!
- We can have a lovely time.

63
00:02:27,167 --> 00:02:28,919
Maybe have a glass of water in the interval.

64
00:02:29,167 --> 00:02:31,204
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- I'm worried about you, Flora.

65
00:02:32,887 --> 00:02:34,605
Does someone know you're out?

66
00:02:34,807 --> 00:02:35,797
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

67
00:02:35,887 --> 00:02:38,356
I mean, I like the look of him,
he looks sweet, but you never know.

68
00:02:38,487 --> 00:02:39,682
You know you never can...

69
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What do you do?
What are your prospects?

70
00:02:43,447 --> 00:02:46,280
Oh, no. I wasn't asking you, Flora.
I feel like you've got lots of prospects

71
00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:49,200
You're a psychotherapist, OK.
What do you do?

72
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MAN: I make stuff in China.

73
00:02:51,327 --> 00:02:53,682
You make stuff in China.
He's a drug dealer isn't he?

74
00:02:53,807 --> 00:02:55,878
He's a drug dealer.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

75
00:02:56,527 --> 00:02:57,756
Good luck to you, Flora.

76
00:02:58,047 --> 00:02:59,924
What's your name,
man that makes stuff in China?

77
00:02:59,967 --> 00:03:00,798
MAN: Paul.

78
00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:03,680
Paul. Paul and Flora.
That sound nice doesn't it? Feels like a...

79
00:03:04,087 --> 00:03:05,839
a lasting relationship, I feel.

80
00:03:07,007 --> 00:03:09,396
Have you just...
How long have you both been single?

81
00:03:09,487 --> 00:03:11,046
I feel like we're on Love Island now.

82
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AUDIENCE LAUGHS

83
00:03:12,887 --> 00:03:14,116
How long have you both been single?

84
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Flora? Three years.

85
00:03:17,047 --> 00:03:18,162
Two years? OK.

86
00:03:18,647 --> 00:03:19,637
Six months, OK.

87
00:03:19,727 --> 00:03:21,479
So about time, yes. It's ready to...

88
00:03:21,567 --> 00:03:24,081
You know... I've been single
for about two years

89
00:03:24,487 --> 00:03:25,716
I'm ready to fuck all of you.

90
00:03:26,047 --> 00:03:27,321
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

91
00:03:27,567 --> 00:03:28,716
This is how I get there.

92
00:03:28,847 --> 00:03:30,565
This is how I sort of, allure you in.

93
00:03:30,647 --> 00:03:33,116
Just by sitting in this very attractive way.

94
00:03:34,767 --> 00:03:36,599
Well, welcome to the filming of my DVD.

95
00:03:37,167 --> 00:03:38,441
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

96
00:03:38,527 --> 00:03:39,756
Love your top,
where's that from?

97
00:03:40,647 --> 00:03:42,479
You've no idea, you've stolen a top.

98
00:03:42,727 --> 00:03:43,717
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- What's your name?

99
00:03:43,807 --> 00:03:44,638
GIRL: Zara.

100
00:03:44,727 --> 00:03:47,162
Zara, hello Zara.
Is there any chance that it's from Zara.

101
00:03:47,807 --> 00:03:48,922
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

102
00:03:49,007 --> 00:03:50,042
What do you think of this top?

103
00:03:50,567 --> 00:03:51,443
ZARA: I like it.

104
00:03:51,607 --> 00:03:53,006
Do you like it? What do we think?

105
00:03:53,367 --> 00:03:54,880
AUDIENCE CHEERS

106
00:03:55,287 --> 00:03:58,006
Right, cos... so I don't normally wear this.

107
00:03:58,127 --> 00:04:01,518
Apparently, cos we're filming it
the shirt that I normally wear's a bit much.

108
00:04:01,847 --> 00:04:03,326
But I put it here
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

109
00:04:03,607 --> 00:04:05,166
Apparently this is a bit much,
I mean...

110
00:04:05,767 --> 00:04:06,757
look at this.

111
00:04:06,847 --> 00:04:08,326
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

112
00:04:08,447 --> 00:04:09,562
I wanted to wear that.
- AUDIENCE WHISTLES

113
00:04:09,647 --> 00:04:12,719
I couldn't work out if it looked like,
I'd sort of collapsed at a marathon.

114
00:04:12,887 --> 00:04:14,366
Do you know what I mean?
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

115
00:04:14,447 --> 00:04:16,563
Julian Clary had fucked a Ferrero Rocher

116
00:04:16,647 --> 00:04:17,762
and here we are.

117
00:04:18,607 --> 00:04:19,677
So I've gone with this number.

118
00:04:19,727 --> 00:04:21,638
Welcome along.
I'm so thrilled that you're all here.

119
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And there's all these
bloody cameras everywhere.

120
00:04:23,487 --> 00:04:24,318
Thank you so much for coming.

121
00:04:24,367 --> 00:04:25,846
This is extraordinary,
there are so many of you, it's lovely.

122
00:04:26,087 --> 00:04:27,361
Who are you here with, Zara?
Is this your fr--

123
00:04:28,527 --> 00:04:30,165
Hello, Jess.
Nice to see you, Jess.

124
00:04:30,487 --> 00:04:31,761
Are you well?
- JESS: I'm great.

125
00:04:31,847 --> 00:04:33,520
Are you eating well,
are you hydrated?

126
00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:34,677
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

127
00:04:34,807 --> 00:04:36,684
What are you drinking?
Two Heinekens!

128
00:04:36,767 --> 00:04:39,361
Oh, my God. Look at these basic bitches
down here on the front row.

129
00:04:39,407 --> 00:04:40,556
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

130
00:04:42,327 --> 00:04:44,523
I like it though... I'd love to have a drink.

131
00:04:44,607 --> 00:04:47,121
I might have one later,
I feel like I've got stuff to do now.

132
00:04:47,407 --> 00:04:48,886
I'llhave one later.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

133
00:04:49,287 --> 00:04:50,561
Give me a cheer if you're drinking.

134
00:04:51,287 --> 00:04:52,960
AUDIENCE CHEERS

135
00:04:53,647 --> 00:04:54,921
Yes, lovely, good.

136
00:04:55,087 --> 00:04:57,806
I did dry January.
Did anyone do dry January?

137
00:04:57,847 --> 00:04:58,837
AUDIENCE CHEER

138
00:04:58,887 --> 00:05:00,161
No, I don't recommend it.

139
00:05:00,327 --> 00:05:02,045
Yes, I learnt one thing -

140
00:05:02,127 --> 00:05:04,164
my friends are fucking boring,
that's what I learnt.

141
00:05:04,407 --> 00:05:05,397
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

142
00:05:05,487 --> 00:05:07,876
If I have to look at another baby picture,
sorry if you're preg

143
00:05:07,967 --> 00:05:10,356
or if you're had a child,
but just spare me your shit.

144
00:05:10,447 --> 00:05:11,676
Honestly!
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

145
00:05:12,127 --> 00:05:13,925
Really good way
of not looking at baby pictures

146
00:05:14,007 --> 00:05:15,680
repeatedly and aggressively shout

147
00:05:15,767 --> 00:05:16,757
HE SHOUTS:
No!

148
00:05:16,967 --> 00:05:18,037
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

149
00:05:18,167 --> 00:05:20,158
They go away after a while,
it's marvellous, marvellous...

150
00:05:21,887 --> 00:05:23,207
Did dry... I've done it twice now.

151
00:05:23,287 --> 00:05:25,847
I did it last year, when I was living with
mother and father, Dave and Helen.

152
00:05:25,927 --> 00:05:27,156
Great couple of lads.

153
00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:29,079
And um...
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

154
00:05:29,767 --> 00:05:33,237
This might be over-sharing this early on
in the show, but as a result of dry January

155
00:05:33,327 --> 00:05:35,443
I got a lot of "morning wood", shall we say?

156
00:05:35,527 --> 00:05:38,838
A little... stiffy in the D, as us lads say
don't we, and um...

157
00:05:40,047 --> 00:05:41,799
A mechanic came round to collect my car

158
00:05:41,887 --> 00:05:43,446
and Mum answered the door.
She shouted up, she said

159
00:05:43,527 --> 00:05:44,722
"Joe, you got your car keys?"

160
00:05:44,807 --> 00:05:47,196
I was having a dream about Idris Elba.

161
00:05:47,727 --> 00:05:48,797
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

162
00:05:48,927 --> 00:05:50,520
As is my right!

163
00:05:50,807 --> 00:05:51,717
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

164
00:05:51,887 --> 00:05:54,083
I had a little tent effect in the pyjamas -

165
00:05:54,167 --> 00:05:55,999
not a full yurt, just a tent

166
00:05:56,207 --> 00:05:59,677
and I... I tried to supress it with my hand
in my pyjama pocket

167
00:05:59,807 --> 00:06:02,879
but it didn't really work so what I did
is I tucked it between my legs.

168
00:06:03,327 --> 00:06:05,398
I don't know if anyone has walked
down a staircase

169
00:06:05,687 --> 00:06:07,883
with a semi trapped in their gooch.

170
00:06:08,167 --> 00:06:09,316
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

171
00:06:10,447 --> 00:06:12,006
But it's fraught with peril.

172
00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:15,684
I managed... I got to the bottom step
and then I tripped

173
00:06:15,807 --> 00:06:16,877
and it sprang out.

174
00:06:17,207 --> 00:06:18,197
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

175
00:06:18,487 --> 00:06:20,683
A sort of baby
punching its way out of my man-gina

176
00:06:22,327 --> 00:06:26,002
Anyway, long story short, the car's fine
but mum's not happy, she's not happy.

177
00:06:26,207 --> 00:06:28,517
I will be slagging her off
later on in the show.

178
00:06:28,607 --> 00:06:30,917
So don't worry about that.
Helen will be getting it, both barrels.

179
00:06:31,287 --> 00:06:34,484
Did, um... Did dry January again this year
for different reasons.

180
00:06:34,727 --> 00:06:37,845
I went to the doctor last summer
and I was feeling tired all the time

181
00:06:37,967 --> 00:06:40,527
and he did some tests
and apparently I'm deficient.

182
00:06:40,727 --> 00:06:42,604
I'm deficient in vitamins B

183
00:06:42,847 --> 00:06:45,316
D, folic acid and Omega 3.

184
00:06:45,527 --> 00:06:47,120
And he said, one: eat better

185
00:06:47,207 --> 00:06:48,197
cos I eat loads of trash

186
00:06:48,287 --> 00:06:51,006
and also go to a pharmacy,
get a supplement with all of these in

187
00:06:51,047 --> 00:06:52,242
you'll start to feel better.

188
00:06:52,527 --> 00:06:53,961
So I went to Boots.

189
00:06:54,207 --> 00:06:56,198
The only supplement that has all of these in

190
00:06:56,287 --> 00:06:57,766
is pregnancy support.

191
00:06:57,807 --> 00:06:58,763
So...
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

192
00:06:58,847 --> 00:07:00,679
I've been on pregnancy support
for the last few months

193
00:07:00,727 --> 00:07:02,718
and I'll tell you what,
I feel like a pregnant woman.

194
00:07:02,767 --> 00:07:04,599
I sit down backwards onto chairs,
I do that one.

195
00:07:04,967 --> 00:07:06,719
Talk about myself the whole fucking time.

196
00:07:06,807 --> 00:07:08,161
I'm a pregnant woman.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

197
00:07:09,047 --> 00:07:11,436
Sorry if you're preg.
I'm gonna be slagging you off now.

198
00:07:11,527 --> 00:07:14,087
It's just I'm turning 30 this year

199
00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:15,680
and so many of my friends are having kids.

200
00:07:15,847 --> 00:07:19,124
I've got a text actually, which you can use
if you'd like. I'm so thrilled with it.

201
00:07:19,327 --> 00:07:20,601
If somebody's just had a baby

202
00:07:20,687 --> 00:07:22,405
I'll text them, I'll say,
"Are you sleeping?"

203
00:07:22,487 --> 00:07:25,286
Cos, inevitably they won't be and they go
"Oh, no I haven't slept for days".

204
00:07:25,327 --> 00:07:27,523
That kind of reply... nonsense,
and then I'll...

205
00:07:28,007 --> 00:07:30,044
go back and I'm so thrilled
with the wording of this.

206
00:07:30,207 --> 00:07:31,197
I go back and I say

207
00:07:31,367 --> 00:07:34,439
"It'll all be worth it
when they're softly stroking your hair

208
00:07:34,487 --> 00:07:35,761
as you slip into oblivion".

209
00:07:36,127 --> 00:07:37,322
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

210
00:07:37,727 --> 00:07:39,365
It's like Shakespeare,
isn't it marvellous?

211
00:07:42,727 --> 00:07:44,798
Met one of my friend's kids last year.

212
00:07:45,007 --> 00:07:46,759
A friend I went to university with,
her daughter.

213
00:07:46,847 --> 00:07:49,157
I avoided this child for four years,
she's four years old.

214
00:07:49,247 --> 00:07:50,396
I'd heard bad things.

215
00:07:50,607 --> 00:07:51,642
Met her last year.

216
00:07:51,927 --> 00:07:53,838
She's the worst person I've ever met.

217
00:07:53,927 --> 00:07:55,076
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

218
00:07:55,327 --> 00:07:56,840
And I've met Eamonn Holmes!

219
00:07:57,167 --> 00:07:58,202
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

220
00:07:59,687 --> 00:08:02,042
I won't use her real name,
that would be unfair. Let's call her...

221
00:08:02,127 --> 00:08:03,117
Mugabe.

222
00:08:03,207 --> 00:08:04,766
And she was very...
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

223
00:08:06,167 --> 00:08:07,157
Just spoilt, really.

224
00:08:07,247 --> 00:08:09,966
We were sat at dinner and she was here
and she was kicking me in the legs.

225
00:08:10,047 --> 00:08:12,197
And at one point she caught my shin
and I went "fuck!"

226
00:08:12,287 --> 00:08:13,925
She started crying, the mum said

227
00:08:14,007 --> 00:08:16,283
"Please don't swear in front of my child".

228
00:08:16,327 --> 00:08:18,079
I was like "Oh, is that your child?"
I thought someone just

229
00:08:18,167 --> 00:08:20,681
condensed North Korea
into a small woman, actually.

230
00:08:20,767 --> 00:08:21,757
AUDIENCE LAUGH

231
00:08:21,927 --> 00:08:23,565
Little bitch. But I've got a, um...

232
00:08:24,607 --> 00:08:26,086
I've got a god daughter who I adore.

233
00:08:26,167 --> 00:08:28,602
She is eleven
and I think she might be a genius.

234
00:08:28,807 --> 00:08:31,925
Cos, um... she loves painting,
and I've got this office in Birmingham.

235
00:08:32,127 --> 00:08:34,403
So I took her to the office
to do some painting

236
00:08:34,487 --> 00:08:36,558
and we painted this mural on the wall.

237
00:08:36,647 --> 00:08:38,160
And while we were painting it,
I said to her, I said

238
00:08:38,327 --> 00:08:40,762
"What do you think art is?"
Just out of curiosity.

239
00:08:40,927 --> 00:08:42,156
And she thought about it and she said

240
00:08:42,687 --> 00:08:44,041
"Well, it's trust".

241
00:08:44,327 --> 00:08:45,806
And I said
"What do you mean by that?"

242
00:08:46,007 --> 00:08:48,521
And she said "Well, if you trust
something's good, then itis."

243
00:08:48,807 --> 00:08:50,480
I was like,
fucking hell it's the most...

244
00:08:50,607 --> 00:08:52,678
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- ...profound thing anyone's ever said to me.

245
00:08:52,767 --> 00:08:53,757
From an eleven-year-old!

246
00:08:53,927 --> 00:08:56,441
I was like, have another go on the bong.
What are you gonna say next?

247
00:08:56,687 --> 00:08:58,007
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

248
00:08:58,407 --> 00:09:01,525
When the meow meow came out,
the things she was saying... extraordinary!

249
00:09:03,607 --> 00:09:04,836
So yes, I'm trying to be healthier,

250
00:09:04,927 --> 00:09:06,964
I love a full fat coke
and I'm on diet cokes now

251
00:09:07,007 --> 00:09:08,566
and I'm struggling with it, really.

252
00:09:10,367 --> 00:09:13,007
Funnily enough, I was at a university reunion
drinking a diet coke

253
00:09:13,247 --> 00:09:16,046
and I went up to a girl who I didn't know
that well at university

254
00:09:16,247 --> 00:09:17,317
and I was holding this diet coke, and...

255
00:09:17,567 --> 00:09:19,717
I said to her, I said "Oh, hello,
how are you, what are you up to now?"

256
00:09:19,807 --> 00:09:22,003
And she went
"I hate that, I hate small talk".

257
00:09:22,647 --> 00:09:25,287
I'm sorry, I'm not sure how conversation
works with you now then.

258
00:09:25,687 --> 00:09:28,486
"How did the death of your father affect
your sex life?" Just straight on in...

259
00:09:28,567 --> 00:09:30,001
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

260
00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:36,560
She said, "You shouldn't be drinking that",
and I said "Why?".

261
00:09:36,607 --> 00:09:39,167
Now what I think she meant to say was
"It's full of aspartame”.

262
00:09:39,327 --> 00:09:41,045
What she actually said was,
"You shouldn't be drinking that".

263
00:09:41,167 --> 00:09:42,396
"It's full of apartheid."

264
00:09:42,967 --> 00:09:44,162
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

265
00:09:44,687 --> 00:09:47,247
I knew it was bad, didn't realise it was
that bad, bloody hell!

266
00:09:48,887 --> 00:09:50,525
I tried being a fruitarian.

267
00:09:50,767 --> 00:09:54,044
That's where you can only eat
things that have fallen from trees.

268
00:09:54,247 --> 00:09:55,442
I managed one day.

269
00:09:55,567 --> 00:09:57,001
I had three cooking apples...

270
00:09:57,127 --> 00:09:58,117
and an owl.

271
00:09:58,407 --> 00:10:00,603
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

272
00:10:05,047 --> 00:10:06,685
Arguably the best joke of the show, that.

273
00:10:06,847 --> 00:10:08,918
Pissed it away in the first section,
there she goes.

274
00:10:09,287 --> 00:10:10,641
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- Off she flies!

275
00:10:11,487 --> 00:10:13,046
Bless you.
- AUDIENCE APPLAUD

276
00:10:14,807 --> 00:10:16,241
I have another version of that joke

277
00:10:16,287 --> 00:10:18,198
which was three cooking apples
and a small boy

278
00:10:18,287 --> 00:10:20,164
but I felt like it was potentially too much.

279
00:10:20,287 --> 00:10:21,561
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

280
00:10:23,247 --> 00:10:24,806
Um, we're gonna go to an interval shortly.

281
00:10:24,887 --> 00:10:27,720
Before we do that, I'd like to tell you about
a little project I've been working on

282
00:10:27,887 --> 00:10:29,605
with the EDL,
the English Defence League.

283
00:10:29,687 --> 00:10:31,439
Any member in? Any members?
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

284
00:10:31,927 --> 00:10:34,282
Occasionally there's a crossover
with my audience with the EDL.

285
00:10:34,447 --> 00:10:35,721
If you're not familiar with the EDL

286
00:10:35,807 --> 00:10:37,684
they don't like Muslims or hair.

287
00:10:37,767 --> 00:10:39,963
Those are the two things they despise.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

288
00:10:40,047 --> 00:10:41,162
Muslims and hair.

289
00:10:43,887 --> 00:10:45,082
There was a rally last summer.

290
00:10:45,167 --> 00:10:47,556
A rally in Birmingham.
You might have seen this picture from it.

291
00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:49,160
This is a girl called Sophia Khan.

292
00:10:49,207 --> 00:10:51,437
She was facing up to one of the EDL members
- AUDIENCE CHEER

293
00:10:51,487 --> 00:10:53,319
with this...
Yes, she's amazing, Sophia Khan.

294
00:10:54,647 --> 00:10:56,797
With this serenity and calmness on her face

295
00:10:56,887 --> 00:10:58,719
with all this aggression
from the EDL member.

296
00:10:59,047 --> 00:11:00,560
In the weeks preceding this rally

297
00:11:00,727 --> 00:11:02,479
I discovered somebody I went to school with

298
00:11:02,607 --> 00:11:05,042
who I am erroneously still friends with
on Facebook

299
00:11:05,287 --> 00:11:06,686
is a member of the EDL

300
00:11:06,847 --> 00:11:09,157
and was trying to generate support
for this rally

301
00:11:09,367 --> 00:11:10,641
with his own Facebook group.

302
00:11:10,727 --> 00:11:13,287
Now, I like to troll people
on social media...

303
00:11:13,367 --> 00:11:16,041
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- ...using various aliases that I create.

304
00:11:16,127 --> 00:11:18,038
So I went on as Angela Middlebin.

305
00:11:18,607 --> 00:11:19,881
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

306
00:11:22,007 --> 00:11:23,680
And I wrote: "Hi, guys

307
00:11:23,807 --> 00:11:25,684
looking forward to the rally in Brum later.

308
00:11:25,767 --> 00:11:27,405
Think it will be a lovely day for it.

309
00:11:27,887 --> 00:11:29,958
I work in PR with some high-profile

310
00:11:30,047 --> 00:11:32,323
right wing, and right-leaning commentators

311
00:11:32,447 --> 00:11:33,926
such as Katie Hopkins

312
00:11:34,047 --> 00:11:35,640
Piers Morgan and Fern Britton",

313
00:11:36,127 --> 00:11:37,561
Now...
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

314
00:11:37,927 --> 00:11:40,919
Fern Britton is, I don't think,
right-wing in any way

315
00:11:41,007 --> 00:11:42,884
but she blocked me on Twitter
so fuck her!

316
00:11:43,407 --> 00:11:44,556
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

317
00:11:45,047 --> 00:11:48,199
I mean, Fern Britton of all people!
I felt like I'd been blocked by Ghandi!

318
00:11:48,567 --> 00:11:49,637
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

319
00:11:50,487 --> 00:11:51,363
I'm now un-blocked.

320
00:11:51,447 --> 00:11:52,676
I should mention that... um...

321
00:11:52,767 --> 00:11:54,440
it's a long story, really.

322
00:11:54,527 --> 00:11:55,278
I won't go into it.

323
00:11:55,327 --> 00:11:57,443
There was a threat on her life,
let's move on.

324
00:11:57,487 --> 00:11:58,477
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

325
00:12:00,607 --> 00:12:02,678
JOE IN A VILLAIN VOICE:
She'll be dead by dusk!

326
00:12:02,727 --> 00:12:03,717
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

327
00:12:04,647 --> 00:12:06,365
She won't.
She's actually a very nice lady.

328
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:10,082
I continued, "One of my clients
brought to my attention

329
00:12:10,167 --> 00:12:13,762
the fact that there is an organisation
already using the name EDL.

330
00:12:13,847 --> 00:12:15,281
This is all true, I did some research.

331
00:12:15,447 --> 00:12:18,519
It is a company called
Electricité De Liban

332
00:12:18,647 --> 00:12:21,161
and supplies electricity
to the country of Lebanon.

333
00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:24,957
According to recent stats,
Lebanon is 54% Muslim

334
00:12:25,167 --> 00:12:29,365
which means, in effect, that the EDL
is powering Muslims.

335
00:12:30,007 --> 00:12:30,997
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

336
00:12:31,687 --> 00:12:34,122
As a result I think an immediate
re-brand of the EDL

337
00:12:34,207 --> 00:12:36,642
and change of name
ahead of the rally is necessary.

338
00:12:36,807 --> 00:12:38,878
I've discussed this
with my colleagues in the office

339
00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:41,959
and we have come up with the name
"Eyes On Islam"

340
00:12:42,247 --> 00:12:43,920
or "Eyesis" for short.

341
00:12:44,247 --> 00:12:45,646
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

342
00:12:49,967 --> 00:12:51,685
See you all there, love Angela".

343
00:12:51,767 --> 00:12:53,565
Within three minutes,
somebody called Ben, put

344
00:12:53,807 --> 00:12:56,526
"Uh... ‘join Eyesis' sounds a lot like ISIS",

345
00:12:56,687 --> 00:12:58,007
JOE, SARCASTICALLY:
Well done, Ben!

346
00:12:58,127 --> 00:12:59,242
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

347
00:13:01,807 --> 00:13:04,037
He suggested,
"What about UK defence league?"

348
00:13:04,127 --> 00:13:06,084
You could have @ukdl on Twitter.

349
00:13:06,247 --> 00:13:08,602
Now, I did some research into this
to see if this is viable.

350
00:13:08,687 --> 00:13:10,280
Unfortunately for Ben, it's not.

351
00:13:10,407 --> 00:13:12,603
There's already and @ukdl account on Twitter.

352
00:13:12,887 --> 00:13:14,116
Um, you can... it's private

353
00:13:14,207 --> 00:13:15,959
but you can read the blurb.
This is the blurb.

354
00:13:16,207 --> 00:13:18,278
"We all start off in nappies,
many of us will end up in them

355
00:13:18,367 --> 00:13:20,005
so why not enjoy them in between as well?

356
00:13:20,127 --> 00:13:21,356
It's an adult nappy wearer.

357
00:13:21,487 --> 00:13:22,761
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- Which is...

358
00:13:23,047 --> 00:13:23,923
Fine!

359
00:13:24,407 --> 00:13:25,966
Each to their own, you do you

360
00:13:26,047 --> 00:13:28,641
but I'm not sure the vibe
the EDL is going for.

361
00:13:32,327 --> 00:13:35,160
So I suggested,
"What about the Islamic Cessation Group

362
00:13:35,327 --> 00:13:36,840
or 'I-CEASE!' for short?"

363
00:13:37,287 --> 00:13:38,516
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

364
00:13:41,807 --> 00:13:43,559
Ben puts, "Still sounds like ISIS."

365
00:13:43,647 --> 00:13:45,001
JOE, SARCASTICALLY:
Well done, Ben!

366
00:13:45,167 --> 00:13:46,202
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

367
00:13:46,967 --> 00:13:49,800
I put, "How about:
Islam Should Immediately Stop"

368
00:13:50,007 --> 00:13:52,078
or "ISIS, for short?"
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

369
00:13:52,687 --> 00:13:55,122
He worked it out then.
He put, "fuck off this group, Angela".

370
00:13:55,647 --> 00:13:57,957
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- I said "OK, Ben, sorry for the hassle.

371
00:13:58,047 --> 00:13:59,879
I've got to go to the opticians anyway.

372
00:14:00,047 --> 00:14:02,118
Got a pus-filled growth on my cornea.

373
00:14:02,287 --> 00:14:04,198
I think it's an eye cyst."

374
00:14:04,607 --> 00:14:06,041
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

375
00:14:06,687 --> 00:14:08,121
Bit of pun fun there.

376
00:14:08,327 --> 00:14:09,761
AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

377
00:14:10,527 --> 00:14:11,562
Bless you.

378
00:14:12,967 --> 00:14:14,719
Right, interval time.

379
00:14:15,007 --> 00:14:17,203
I often think my audiences
are funnier than I am.

380
00:14:17,327 --> 00:14:19,603
So I'd like to test that theory
with a little Twitter game.

381
00:14:19,767 --> 00:14:23,044
I'd like you to tweet me in on @joelycett,
that's my Twitter name

382
00:14:23,167 --> 00:14:26,683
and I'd like you to tweet me in with
"Make a TV presenter sexy".

383
00:14:26,807 --> 00:14:28,559
Something like Jizzy Carr but...

384
00:14:28,807 --> 00:14:30,525
funnier than that.
That's the best I can come up with.

385
00:14:30,647 --> 00:14:32,285
Send as many as you can think of in.

386
00:14:32,327 --> 00:14:33,840
We'll go through the best ones
after the interval.

387
00:14:34,047 --> 00:14:35,845
We'll do 20 minutes and then that's it.

388
00:14:36,127 --> 00:14:37,162
See you shortly.

389
00:14:37,247 --> 00:14:39,602
AUDIENCE APPLAUD AND CHEER

390
00:14:42,327 --> 00:14:43,362
So what did you think?

391
00:14:43,487 --> 00:14:44,841
You call that a joke?

392
00:14:44,927 --> 00:14:47,567
Oh, I'm sorry, I'll try better next time.
- Not better...

393
00:14:47,807 --> 00:14:49,605
Best!
- I know, I'm sorry I've let you down.

394
00:14:49,647 --> 00:14:50,603
I've really let you down.

395
00:14:50,687 --> 00:14:52,564
Yes, you should be ashamed of yourself.

396
00:14:52,687 --> 00:14:54,598
Ashamed, I tell you.

397
00:15:01,407 --> 00:15:03,603
Right, I'm really feeling like
I can do better this time.

398
00:15:04,087 --> 00:15:05,998
Not better, best!

399
00:15:06,087 --> 00:15:06,997
Ok, best.

400
00:15:07,927 --> 00:15:09,998
Show me the money!
- JOE: I will!

401
00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:13,716
AUDIENCE APPLAUD AND CHEER

402
00:15:16,687 --> 00:15:18,758
Ah, lovely.

403
00:15:19,087 --> 00:15:20,077
Thank you.

404
00:15:20,287 --> 00:15:21,880
Good interval? Good interval?

405
00:15:22,647 --> 00:15:24,524
My agent was being a real prick back there.

406
00:15:24,767 --> 00:15:25,996
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

407
00:15:27,247 --> 00:15:30,126
I've been reading your tweets,
some fucked-up people in this room.

408
00:15:30,287 --> 00:15:32,119
Oh! Right!

409
00:15:32,367 --> 00:15:33,926
Um, if I call your name out...

410
00:15:34,807 --> 00:15:36,844
If I read one of your tweets out
can you stand up for us?

411
00:15:36,927 --> 00:15:38,565
Could we have house lights up
for this, as well

412
00:15:38,607 --> 00:15:39,881
just so I can see them?

413
00:15:40,047 --> 00:15:41,606
JOE MAKES COMEDY
NOISE OF DISGUST

414
00:15:41,687 --> 00:15:42,802
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

415
00:15:43,047 --> 00:15:45,004
Oh, also...
Leon are you alright to..?

416
00:15:45,207 --> 00:15:47,084
This is Leon, everybody.
Say "Hi, Leon".

417
00:15:47,527 --> 00:15:48,961
AUDIENCE SHOUTS:
Hi, Leon.

418
00:15:49,047 --> 00:15:49,923
Are you alright to come out?

419
00:15:50,007 --> 00:15:53,045
So, they've said this is my cameraman,
I can do whatever I like with him.

420
00:15:53,247 --> 00:15:54,237
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

421
00:15:54,487 --> 00:15:56,319
I mean, if anyone's got suggestions...

422
00:15:57,567 --> 00:15:58,682
Hello, Leon.

423
00:15:59,647 --> 00:16:01,718
Can we... lets...
$0 we're gonna zoom in on people.

424
00:16:01,807 --> 00:16:03,400
Oh, lovely. Look at that.

425
00:16:03,607 --> 00:16:05,200
Let's just have a test, oh yes.

426
00:16:05,367 --> 00:16:07,005
What are these guys...
What's your names?

427
00:16:07,167 --> 00:16:08,566
Tony.
- Tony and...?

428
00:16:08,687 --> 00:16:09,802
Richard.
- Tony and Richard.

429
00:16:09,887 --> 00:16:11,286
How do you know each other,
Tony and Richard?

430
00:16:11,367 --> 00:16:12,926
Partners.
- Partners, OK.

431
00:16:13,167 --> 00:16:14,441
We've got a lovely picture there.

432
00:16:14,687 --> 00:16:15,916
Smile for us.

433
00:16:16,607 --> 00:16:17,802
Very nice.

434
00:16:18,047 --> 00:16:20,766
That's going straight on Twitter
when we've finished the show.

435
00:16:20,927 --> 00:16:23,237
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- Find these men!

436
00:16:24,207 --> 00:16:25,800
Right, let's have a look at your tweets.

437
00:16:26,327 --> 00:16:28,204
Um... there's some really funny ones.

438
00:16:28,407 --> 00:16:29,556
Really funny ones.

439
00:16:29,927 --> 00:16:31,725
Some people didn't really understand.

440
00:16:32,127 --> 00:16:33,276
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

441
00:16:34,407 --> 00:16:37,160
Oh, love "Zoe Ball Bag" from Fraser,
that's good.

442
00:16:37,247 --> 00:16:38,317
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

443
00:16:38,967 --> 00:16:41,163
Oh, where is Fraser, actually?
Stand up Fraser.

444
00:16:41,327 --> 00:16:43,125
"Fraser C04",

445
00:16:44,367 --> 00:16:46,563
Where are you?
Hello Fraser.

446
00:16:47,167 --> 00:16:48,487
Hundred and three followers.

447
00:16:48,887 --> 00:16:50,525
Hundred and four now,
I'm following you.

448
00:16:50,567 --> 00:16:51,477
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

449
00:16:51,567 --> 00:16:52,841
I will follow you home.

450
00:16:53,167 --> 00:16:54,237
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

451
00:16:54,287 --> 00:16:56,756
Um... you sent in "Joe Likes Dick".

452
00:16:57,127 --> 00:16:58,526
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

453
00:16:59,567 --> 00:17:00,762
AUDIENCE CHEERS
- Thanks mate.

454
00:17:01,687 --> 00:17:03,917
He's not wrong, he's not wrong.

455
00:17:04,807 --> 00:17:07,925
Just like it, I'm not in love with it,
I like a dick.

456
00:17:07,967 --> 00:17:09,321
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- I like a dick.

457
00:17:09,967 --> 00:17:11,799
Thanks Fraser,
round of applause for Fraser.

458
00:17:11,887 --> 00:17:13,161
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS

459
00:17:15,807 --> 00:17:17,957
There's something rather...
"Mel and Sue", somebody's put

460
00:17:18,047 --> 00:17:19,242
"Bell and Poo".

461
00:17:19,527 --> 00:17:21,040
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

462
00:17:22,327 --> 00:17:23,362
This one's really nice.

463
00:17:23,567 --> 00:17:25,638
Where's Dave Moore?
Dave Moore.

464
00:17:26,247 --> 00:17:27,237
Tweet time, Dave.

465
00:17:28,527 --> 00:17:30,598
Where are you?
You up top there, as well?

466
00:17:30,807 --> 00:17:32,241
You only sent one in, Dave.

467
00:17:32,327 --> 00:17:34,637
You haven't given much information
on your profile, either,

468
00:17:34,727 --> 00:17:36,161
You've got 92 followers.

469
00:17:36,607 --> 00:17:39,440
Um... the last thing you did
was re-tweet Jonathan Ross.

470
00:17:40,567 --> 00:17:42,877
This isn't a Jonathan Ross-based tweet.
What do you do, Dave?

471
00:17:44,927 --> 00:17:48,443
A finance analyst?
Gosh it's boring people up there, isn't it?

472
00:17:48,607 --> 00:17:49,597
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

473
00:17:49,767 --> 00:17:50,837
Where d'you live, Dave?

474
00:17:51,207 --> 00:17:52,436
MALE VOICE:
He's from Ashford in Kent.

475
00:17:52,847 --> 00:17:54,599
In Kent, oh!
- SOME PEOPLE CHEER

476
00:17:55,167 --> 00:17:56,362
Oh!
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

477
00:17:56,447 --> 00:17:58,677
Mixed response from the room for Kent.

478
00:17:59,087 --> 00:18:01,727
People down here not sure they like Kent.

479
00:18:02,727 --> 00:18:04,400
Then some other people over there love it.

480
00:18:05,047 --> 00:18:07,004
Hey, it takes all sorts doesn't it?

481
00:18:08,047 --> 00:18:10,880
You sent in, Dave
"Tess Sucks Off Your Dad, Daily".

482
00:18:10,967 --> 00:18:12,082
That's really nice.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

483
00:18:12,487 --> 00:18:15,798
Really lovely, round of applause for Dave.
Lovely stuff.

484
00:18:17,527 --> 00:18:19,723
"Daily". "Sucks Off Your Dad, Daily"!

485
00:18:23,287 --> 00:18:26,120
Mike Blaire, where are you?
"Pickle246".

486
00:18:28,127 --> 00:18:29,117
Where is he?

487
00:18:29,807 --> 00:18:32,401
Right at the back, quite right!

488
00:18:32,687 --> 00:18:34,758
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- Let's have a look at your profile.

489
00:18:35,047 --> 00:18:37,687
Twenty-two years old, Arsenal...
You're an Arsenal fan?

490
00:18:38,327 --> 00:18:39,476
JOE IN A LADDISH VOICE:
Oh-hey!

491
00:18:39,887 --> 00:18:42,242
Qo-hey!
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

492
00:18:42,607 --> 00:18:44,484
D'you watch the game, geezer?

493
00:18:44,967 --> 00:18:46,002
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

494
00:18:47,047 --> 00:18:48,526
Great squad innit, great squad.

495
00:18:48,927 --> 00:18:51,646
Lovely um... lovely s-s-squad?

496
00:18:52,407 --> 00:18:54,762
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- Was there a game today? I don't know.

497
00:18:54,887 --> 00:18:55,877
No idea.

498
00:18:56,527 --> 00:18:58,803
Um... you like tennis,
food and travelling, lovely.

499
00:18:58,887 --> 00:19:01,766
Mike sent in,
"Benedict Cum-In-Her-Snatch".

500
00:19:02,007 --> 00:19:03,680
So that's...
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

501
00:19:04,167 --> 00:19:05,601
Great bit of lad banter, that!

502
00:19:05,687 --> 00:19:07,325
Qoooh-aye!

503
00:19:10,807 --> 00:19:12,366
Did you get a nice shot of him?

504
00:19:12,487 --> 00:19:13,841
Lovely, thanks, Leon.

505
00:19:14,247 --> 00:19:15,442
You're a bloody lifesaver.

506
00:19:16,767 --> 00:19:17,802
You can't catch me.

507
00:19:18,167 --> 00:19:19,919
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

508
00:19:20,767 --> 00:19:21,757
He's good, isn't he?

509
00:19:23,647 --> 00:19:27,800
D'you... you don't have to say anything
just nod if... or shake your head.

510
00:19:27,927 --> 00:19:30,043
Do you run? Are you a runner?

511
00:19:30,727 --> 00:19:32,798
Not really. So if I ran away?

512
00:19:33,207 --> 00:19:34,800
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

513
00:19:37,767 --> 00:19:38,757
Are you a fighter?

514
00:19:39,247 --> 00:19:41,716
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

515
00:19:44,487 --> 00:19:45,477
I'll kill you, dead.

516
00:19:47,807 --> 00:19:49,241
Oh, he's frightened now.

517
00:19:49,327 --> 00:19:50,920
God, I've never felt more masculine!

518
00:19:51,167 --> 00:19:53,078
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- I've got a weapon, as well.

519
00:19:53,527 --> 00:19:54,926
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

520
00:19:57,247 --> 00:19:58,885
I actually thought I was gonna do it then!

521
00:20:01,287 --> 00:20:03,278
No, I like you, Leon,
you've got a good spirit...

522
00:20:05,087 --> 00:20:07,397
and lovely soft palms...
Next, um...

523
00:20:08,127 --> 00:20:09,242
LAUGHTER

524
00:20:09,647 --> 00:20:12,321
Right, I've got two favourites,
let's find the two faves.

525
00:20:13,207 --> 00:20:14,686
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

526
00:20:15,487 --> 00:20:18,161
Where... Where's Nicola Bosdet.

527
00:20:18,727 --> 00:20:19,683
Nicola?

528
00:20:20,527 --> 00:20:22,006
Hello... where are you?

529
00:20:22,207 --> 00:20:24,118
Oh, there you are, oh I love...
what colour...

530
00:20:24,207 --> 00:20:25,606
You wearing a pink top?
Is that pink?

531
00:20:26,807 --> 00:20:28,320
Orange, can't see colours.

532
00:20:28,407 --> 00:20:29,681
Gone colour blind on this show.

533
00:20:30,287 --> 00:20:33,803
Oh, caution,
this account is temporarily restricted.

534
00:20:34,087 --> 00:20:35,316
That's literally just come up.

535
00:20:35,807 --> 00:20:36,922
You're seeing this warning

536
00:20:36,967 --> 00:20:39,481
because there's been some unusual activity
from this account.

537
00:20:39,567 --> 00:20:40,557
Genuinely is!
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

538
00:20:40,887 --> 00:20:41,877
Look at that!

539
00:20:42,567 --> 00:20:45,366
Unusual?
Have you used twitter recently?

540
00:20:45,927 --> 00:20:48,043
I forgot my login so he made a new one.

541
00:20:48,527 --> 00:20:49,847
You've made a new login?

542
00:20:50,607 --> 00:20:53,281
Well before... I'm still seeing
the tweet though.

543
00:20:53,367 --> 00:20:55,165
You sent it "David Dick-In-Your-Son".

544
00:20:55,567 --> 00:20:56,921
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

545
00:20:57,727 --> 00:20:59,718
Is it the sort of thing
that you normally tweet?

546
00:21:00,047 --> 00:21:01,082
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

547
00:21:01,207 --> 00:21:02,766
Somebody else tweeted it for you?

548
00:21:02,967 --> 00:21:04,480
Oh, I love that!

549
00:21:05,607 --> 00:21:07,917
Oh, Nicola, like I literally can't go
to your account now.

550
00:21:08,127 --> 00:21:09,959
Oh, I pressed "Yes, view profile" now.

551
00:21:10,047 --> 00:21:11,924
Zero followers, OK.

552
00:21:12,287 --> 00:21:13,277
One follower

553
00:21:13,767 --> 00:21:14,837
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

554
00:21:14,927 --> 00:21:16,440
And that's literally your only tweet!

555
00:21:17,207 --> 00:21:18,481
I love that.

556
00:21:18,967 --> 00:21:20,321
Well, nice to meet you, Nicola.

557
00:21:21,527 --> 00:21:24,599
Final one, where's Pippa Lohran,
am I saying that right?

558
00:21:24,687 --> 00:21:25,882
Lochran, Lo-ran?

559
00:21:27,367 --> 00:21:28,801
Where are you? Hello, Pippa.

560
00:21:29,247 --> 00:21:30,362
Where you from Pippa?

561
00:21:30,447 --> 00:21:31,357
Manchester.

562
00:21:31,447 --> 00:21:33,279
Oh, I love Manchester,
I lived there for four years.

563
00:21:33,447 --> 00:21:34,357
Um, do you still...
- WOMAN CHEERS

564
00:21:34,407 --> 00:21:37,638
Yeah cool!
Um... do you know her?

565
00:21:38,127 --> 00:21:39,162
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

566
00:21:39,487 --> 00:21:41,558
Do you still live in Manchester?
- No, no.

567
00:21:41,727 --> 00:21:43,638
Oh, no, no, I'm better than that now!

568
00:21:43,727 --> 00:21:45,764
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- Where do you live now, Pippa?

569
00:21:46,127 --> 00:21:47,606
Harrow
- In H--

570
00:21:48,207 --> 00:21:50,847
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- In Harrow, lovely.

571
00:21:51,207 --> 00:21:52,686
You've got 83 followers.

572
00:21:52,767 --> 00:21:53,677
I'll give you a follow, why not.

573
00:21:53,807 --> 00:21:55,639
Your background is of Adele.

574
00:21:56,327 --> 00:21:57,556
You like Adele?
- Love her.

575
00:21:57,647 --> 00:21:59,604
I love Adele, yeah,
I went to see her live, as well.

576
00:21:59,887 --> 00:22:03,278
Oh, you sent in quite a few
but you sent in my absolute favourite one

577
00:22:03,767 --> 00:22:05,758
which was, "Adrian Child-Molester".

578
00:22:05,847 --> 00:22:07,997
It's really good!
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

579
00:22:08,607 --> 00:22:10,757
What I love about it as well,
is that you seemed so sweet!

580
00:22:11,807 --> 00:22:13,161
And you sent in "Adrian Child-Molester".

581
00:22:13,247 --> 00:22:14,920
Round of applause for Pippa,
round of applause for everyone.

582
00:22:15,047 --> 00:22:18,039
AUDIENCE APPLAUD
- Marvellous... shall we um...

583
00:22:18,687 --> 00:22:20,724
Shall we take a selfie using that camera?

584
00:22:21,207 --> 00:22:22,163
Is that possible?

585
00:22:22,687 --> 00:22:24,439
Where shall we do it from?
Maybe back here?

586
00:22:24,727 --> 00:22:26,126
You all want to be in a selfie?

587
00:22:26,527 --> 00:22:27,517
AUDIENCE SHOUT:
Yeah!

588
00:22:27,887 --> 00:22:30,083
Like... can I hold it, like I'm doing a...

589
00:22:31,927 --> 00:22:32,917
Smile everyone!

590
00:22:33,327 --> 00:22:36,240
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

591
00:22:37,847 --> 00:22:39,440
Cool, I think we've got it.
Round of applause for Leon!

592
00:22:39,767 --> 00:22:41,405
AUDIENCE APPLAUD AND CHEER

593
00:22:42,887 --> 00:22:44,036
Thanks Leon.

594
00:22:44,367 --> 00:22:46,324
Right, let's talk about art now.

595
00:22:46,567 --> 00:22:48,046
I'd like to talk about art.

596
00:22:48,527 --> 00:22:49,722
Yeah, a bit of culture.

597
00:22:49,887 --> 00:22:51,719
My mother retired a few years ago

598
00:22:51,807 --> 00:22:54,959
and she's now painting in her retirement.
This is one of my mother's paintings.

599
00:22:55,047 --> 00:22:56,958
Isn't it glorious?
This is of our family friend, Patrick

600
00:22:57,047 --> 00:22:58,526
Not only does it look like Patrick

601
00:22:58,607 --> 00:23:00,723
I feel like it captures his essence,
a beautiful painting.

602
00:23:00,807 --> 00:23:02,718
Based on these,
I've been inspired to do my own.

603
00:23:02,807 --> 00:23:04,684
They've not come out as well,
I'm gonna be honest with you.

604
00:23:05,207 --> 00:23:06,322
I did one of Amanda Holden

605
00:23:06,407 --> 00:23:07,920
with a Britain's Got Talent buzzer
for a head.

606
00:23:08,047 --> 00:23:10,004
Slightly different things that we do.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

607
00:23:18,167 --> 00:23:19,282
Mum will do this sort of thing -

608
00:23:19,367 --> 00:23:21,119
two women on a bench,
having a conversation.

609
00:23:21,207 --> 00:23:22,800
Beautiful, skilful watercolour there.

610
00:23:22,887 --> 00:23:24,878
The skill and the time it takes
to do something like that.

611
00:23:25,007 --> 00:23:26,680
I did a man having coffee
poured in his arse.

612
00:23:26,767 --> 00:23:28,326
We're just doing different things!
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

613
00:23:29,407 --> 00:23:30,363
We're doing different things.

614
00:23:30,447 --> 00:23:32,245
This came out of... I was on holiday
with a friend of mine

615
00:23:32,327 --> 00:23:33,920
who'd just had a colonic irrigation.

616
00:23:34,007 --> 00:23:35,486
I've never had one, so I was like,
"What's it like?"

617
00:23:35,567 --> 00:23:36,716
He's like, "I've not had one either".

618
00:23:36,807 --> 00:23:39,447
This girl, quite attractive,
took me into a room, put a tube up

619
00:23:39,647 --> 00:23:41,604
and I thought the tube did everything
but actually she took it out

620
00:23:41,687 --> 00:23:43,803
stood me over this thing
and then just said "Go".

621
00:23:44,047 --> 00:23:46,482
And she said, "I can wait here,
or I can wait outside, whatever you want",

622
00:23:46,687 --> 00:23:48,564
I was like, "Who's asking her to stay?"

623
00:23:49,047 --> 00:23:50,196
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
"Nol

624
00:23:50,287 --> 00:23:51,436
"Look me in the eye!"

625
00:23:51,967 --> 00:23:54,720
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- "I'd like us to share this!"

626
00:23:56,967 --> 00:23:58,287
So based on that, I did this painting.

627
00:23:58,367 --> 00:23:59,357
I haven't got a name for it yet.

628
00:23:59,447 --> 00:24:01,245
I was thinking, maybe,
"Britain in Springtime"

629
00:24:01,287 --> 00:24:02,277
but I'm open to suggestions.

630
00:24:02,367 --> 00:24:03,596
Please send your tweets in.

631
00:24:04,047 --> 00:24:05,924
This art thing has got to a bit of a head

632
00:24:06,007 --> 00:24:07,566
just this week, actually.

633
00:24:07,647 --> 00:24:09,797
Mum and I,
we submitted to the Royal Academy.

634
00:24:09,887 --> 00:24:12,447
Every year, the Royal Academy
take paintings from amateurs

635
00:24:12,527 --> 00:24:13,756
from professionals, whatever,

636
00:24:13,847 --> 00:24:14,882
They also take sculptures.

637
00:24:14,927 --> 00:24:17,203
Mum submitted two of her paintings,
beautiful paintings.

638
00:24:17,287 --> 00:24:18,686
I submitted for a laugh.

639
00:24:18,767 --> 00:24:20,963
I knew I wasn't gonna get in,
I submitted this sculpture

640
00:24:21,047 --> 00:24:22,117
which I called "Chris".

641
00:24:22,207 --> 00:24:25,040
I made it, pissed last summer.
I just submitted it, forgot about it.

642
00:24:25,327 --> 00:24:28,479
A few weeks later I got an email
from the Royal Academy that read this -

643
00:24:28,607 --> 00:24:30,917
"Dear Joe, it has come to our attention
that the price of your artwork

644
00:24:31,007 --> 00:24:33,237
Chris, is £10.5 million.

645
00:24:33,487 --> 00:24:35,842
I was originally gonna do ten
and then I thought "fuck it"

646
00:24:35,887 --> 00:24:36,877
and put the other half on.

647
00:24:37,847 --> 00:24:40,316
"Owing to the high selling price
we just wanted to check this was correct

648
00:24:40,447 --> 00:24:42,757
and this is what we would like
to have printed in our list of works

649
00:24:42,847 --> 00:24:44,884
should your work be selected
for the exhibition.

650
00:24:45,007 --> 00:24:46,884
If you did wish for this
to be the published price

651
00:24:47,047 --> 00:24:49,721
could you kindly advise on the insurance
value of the work".

652
00:24:49,807 --> 00:24:51,320
Well, I went back to them and I said

653
00:24:51,887 --> 00:24:54,242
"Gosh, did I really put £10.5 million?

654
00:24:54,327 --> 00:24:56,682
It should be £12.5 million!"

655
00:24:57,007 --> 00:24:59,203
And then just put "Brexit" for no reason.

656
00:24:59,527 --> 00:25:00,562
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

657
00:25:01,567 --> 00:25:03,638
I recently took it to Bonhams
to get it valued.

658
00:25:03,727 --> 00:25:06,446
They asked me to leave, but I expect
the insurance value is £4.99

659
00:25:06,527 --> 00:25:08,040
or the equivalent in Argos vouchers.

660
00:25:08,127 --> 00:25:09,037
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

661
00:25:09,527 --> 00:25:11,882
Didn't receive a reply,
didn't expect a reply to be honest.

662
00:25:11,967 --> 00:25:13,799
I thought, right you know,
it's not gonna get in.

663
00:25:14,167 --> 00:25:15,680
Suddenly we both get emails.

664
00:25:15,767 --> 00:25:18,043
Mum's paintings, rejected,
"Chris", is in!

665
00:25:18,207 --> 00:25:19,436
Igo...
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

666
00:25:19,567 --> 00:25:21,285
I got to the Royal Academy
I went there on Monday.

667
00:25:21,367 --> 00:25:22,926
There I am outside, very excited.

668
00:25:23,007 --> 00:25:24,202
All the other sculptures are on plinths.

669
00:25:24,287 --> 00:25:26,756
I'm like, "bloody hell, Chris is gonna
be on a plinth in the Royal Academy!"

670
00:25:26,847 --> 00:25:28,565
The Royal Academy of Art,
in bloody London!

671
00:25:28,647 --> 00:25:29,842
Walking round,
I can't find him anywhere.

672
00:25:29,927 --> 00:25:31,679
They've only gone and put him
in the fucking corner, haven't they!

673
00:25:31,767 --> 00:25:33,565
Jeez!
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

674
00:25:39,647 --> 00:25:40,967
He is available to purchase

675
00:25:41,047 --> 00:25:42,446
for £12.5 million.

676
00:25:42,687 --> 00:25:44,325
I will not accept offers.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

677
00:25:45,167 --> 00:25:47,477
Mum's really annoyed at the minute,
the relationship's frayed.

678
00:25:47,607 --> 00:25:49,837
This started...
I was living with them last year

679
00:25:49,927 --> 00:25:51,838
and they got annoyed
with my bathroom habits.

680
00:25:52,047 --> 00:25:53,446
I love a long bath.

681
00:25:53,527 --> 00:25:54,642
And I love to eat in the bath.

682
00:25:54,807 --> 00:25:56,684
And I had some Greek yoghurt in the bath

683
00:25:57,207 --> 00:25:58,527
cos I'm in show business.

684
00:25:58,847 --> 00:26:01,726
And unbeknownst to me,
some of the yoghurt ended up in the bath.

685
00:26:01,927 --> 00:26:03,361
I then went into my room to get changed

686
00:26:03,447 --> 00:26:05,324
Mum comes into the bathroom,
looks in the bath, she's like

687
00:26:05,447 --> 00:26:07,757
"Have you had the biggest wank
anyone's ever had?"

688
00:26:08,807 --> 00:26:10,241
"I came in, there's blueberries
in there as well!"

689
00:26:10,327 --> 00:26:12,523
"Oh, yeah, I've shat out perfect
blueberries as well, Helen".

690
00:26:12,807 --> 00:26:14,878
"Just squeezed those through my urethra!"

691
00:26:15,207 --> 00:26:16,242
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

692
00:26:19,807 --> 00:26:21,286
The real friction is on Twitter.

693
00:26:21,407 --> 00:26:23,478
Mum is also on Twitter,
she is @momalycett.

694
00:26:23,567 --> 00:26:25,365
You can follow her,
she posts her paintings

695
00:26:25,567 --> 00:26:27,126
she also searches

696
00:26:27,247 --> 00:26:30,126
not only my name, but searches
what people are writing to me

697
00:26:30,207 --> 00:26:31,163
what people are writing about me

698
00:26:31,327 --> 00:26:33,000
s0 she will have seen all the tweets
that you sent tonight.

699
00:26:33,087 --> 00:26:34,760
She loves reading them,
she'll go through all of them.

700
00:26:34,927 --> 00:26:36,964
And she also, sometimes,
will show me tweets

701
00:26:37,047 --> 00:26:38,367
when like, I've been on tele.

702
00:26:38,447 --> 00:26:40,199
Every time you go on tele
there's a bit of nastiness.

703
00:26:40,287 --> 00:26:41,277
It comes with the job.

704
00:26:41,367 --> 00:26:42,687
There was one she showed me
which I loved

705
00:26:42,767 --> 00:26:45,077
which was, I'd just been on
Blankety Blank

706
00:26:45,167 --> 00:26:47,727
with David Walliams, which, to be fair,
was dog shit.

707
00:26:47,807 --> 00:26:49,445
And I, um...
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

708
00:26:50,167 --> 00:26:51,487
I got a tweet which just said

709
00:26:51,567 --> 00:26:52,682
"You're not funny".

710
00:26:52,767 --> 00:26:54,485
And I appreciated
the succinctness of the tweet

711
00:26:54,567 --> 00:26:55,602
but what I loved about it is

712
00:26:55,727 --> 00:26:57,525
I looked at the woman's profile
who'd sent it

713
00:26:57,687 --> 00:26:59,837
and she's a self-esteem coach!

714
00:27:00,127 --> 00:27:01,481
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

715
00:27:02,967 --> 00:27:05,527
Maybe she's the self-esteem coach
of a rival comedian.

716
00:27:05,607 --> 00:27:07,518
Maybe Romesh was feeling down
on his luck.

717
00:27:07,767 --> 00:27:08,837
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

718
00:27:08,967 --> 00:27:10,162
Thought he'd bring me down.

719
00:27:11,327 --> 00:27:13,477
But this is something
I'm getting used to but like...

720
00:27:13,727 --> 00:27:16,321
Sometimes people now tweet
when they've seen me out and about.

721
00:27:16,407 --> 00:27:17,966
Say they've seen me somewhere,
they might take a picture

722
00:27:18,047 --> 00:27:19,117
and that's fine, comes with the job.

723
00:27:19,247 --> 00:27:20,885
But sometimes I don't want Mum
to know where I've been.

724
00:27:21,007 --> 00:27:22,998
And this...
The worst example for this...

725
00:27:23,087 --> 00:27:25,556
I said to her one morning, I said
"I'm going to Manchester

726
00:27:25,647 --> 00:27:26,842
to see my friend Josephine.

727
00:27:27,047 --> 00:27:28,367
We're gonna have a light lunch

728
00:27:28,447 --> 00:27:30,279
and then I'm gonna get
the train back to Birmingham".

729
00:27:30,687 --> 00:27:34,078
Went to Manchester, got totally
shit-faced with Josephine

730
00:27:34,167 --> 00:27:35,919
had a pasty on the train
on the way home.

731
00:27:36,007 --> 00:27:37,725
Little pasty to soak up the alcohol.

732
00:27:37,807 --> 00:27:39,764
Got home, mum was like
"Oh, being healthy are you?"

733
00:27:39,847 --> 00:27:41,884
I was like, "Yeah, yeah,
I had a couple of glasses of wine

734
00:27:41,927 --> 00:27:42,837
but I had a salad at lunch".

735
00:27:43,047 --> 00:27:44,162
She was like, "Explain this".

736
00:27:44,247 --> 00:27:46,363
Somebody took a picture of me
on the bloody train, didn't they!

737
00:27:46,607 --> 00:27:48,086
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

738
00:27:58,207 --> 00:28:00,005
Really enjoyed that pasty,
as you can see.

739
00:28:00,687 --> 00:28:02,883
Looks worryingly like that
when you put it together, as well.

740
00:28:04,807 --> 00:28:06,127
I could have been Prime Minister!

741
00:28:06,767 --> 00:28:08,326
Oh, I got her back though,
cos I did a tweet.

742
00:28:08,487 --> 00:28:10,922
It wasn't actually about her
but she was offended by it, anyway.

743
00:28:11,087 --> 00:28:14,443
The tweet was,
"to find out your dirty prostitute name

744
00:28:14,527 --> 00:28:15,801
take your mother's surname

745
00:28:15,887 --> 00:28:17,685
and put her first name in front of it".

746
00:28:17,847 --> 00:28:19,565
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

747
00:28:23,687 --> 00:28:25,041
One thousand re-tweets!

748
00:28:25,127 --> 00:28:26,083
Thank you, Twitter,

749
00:28:26,167 --> 00:28:27,157
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

750
00:28:28,687 --> 00:28:30,644
So based on that,
and also just because, like...

751
00:28:30,687 --> 00:28:31,836
I'm turning 30 this year

752
00:28:31,927 --> 00:28:34,521
I've moved out. I've moved into an
up-and-coming area of Birmingham.

753
00:28:34,607 --> 00:28:36,564
Whether it'll up or come or not,
I don't know.

754
00:28:36,807 --> 00:28:38,559
Um... it's called Kings Heath.

755
00:28:38,647 --> 00:28:39,796
The area that I'm in.
- SOME PEOPLE CHEER

756
00:28:39,927 --> 00:28:41,520
Oh, can I have a lift?

757
00:28:42,047 --> 00:28:43,082
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

758
00:28:43,447 --> 00:28:47,122
I thought I was buying a nice place, really,
but it's a bit of a dump.

759
00:28:47,407 --> 00:28:50,286
And like all of... there's like damp in there
and all sorts of problems

760
00:28:50,367 --> 00:28:52,119
and my dad, who's just retired,
he's taken over

761
00:28:52,167 --> 00:28:53,885
as project manager of the project.

762
00:28:54,087 --> 00:28:56,078
The official reason for this
is that I'm too busy

763
00:28:56,127 --> 00:28:57,640
to co-ordinate all of the works myself,

764
00:28:57,727 --> 00:28:59,365
Couldn't possibly do it all myself.

765
00:28:59,447 --> 00:29:02,007
The real reason is
I can't speak to tradesmen.

766
00:29:02,567 --> 00:29:03,716
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

767
00:29:03,887 --> 00:29:07,482
I tried to speak to the electrician
over Whatsapp, he doesn't like an emoji!

768
00:29:07,567 --> 00:29:08,966
Oh!
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

769
00:29:09,647 --> 00:29:12,036
Four aubergines,
he got very confused.

770
00:29:13,847 --> 00:29:16,646
Dad's been amazing, he seems to know...
He was a teacher before he retired

771
00:29:16,767 --> 00:29:19,759
he knows loads of stuff about houses.
He goes up to floorboards and he'll go...

772
00:29:20,887 --> 00:29:22,639
"Ah" - won't tell me what that means

773
00:29:22,727 --> 00:29:23,762
but he knows something!

774
00:29:23,847 --> 00:29:25,360
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- There was a door that needed fixing.

775
00:29:25,447 --> 00:29:27,802
He just came round and made
and fitted a door.

776
00:29:27,927 --> 00:29:29,486
How do you know to do that?
You're a teacher.

777
00:29:29,607 --> 00:29:31,678
He's like, "I don't know,
I just sort of know from birth".

778
00:29:31,967 --> 00:29:32,957
From birth?

779
00:29:33,007 --> 00:29:34,884
Sorry, all the other kids
are in the nursery crying

780
00:29:34,927 --> 00:29:36,122
and you're there
making a trestle table.

781
00:29:36,287 --> 00:29:37,243
Come on, mate!

782
00:29:37,647 --> 00:29:39,718
I think what happens... it has to.
When you become a father

783
00:29:39,807 --> 00:29:41,605
you go to some sort of "Dad school"

784
00:29:41,687 --> 00:29:43,246
where they teach you
how to do all of this shit

785
00:29:43,327 --> 00:29:45,716
but not how to get emotion
into a text message.

786
00:29:46,047 --> 00:29:46,923
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

787
00:29:47,007 --> 00:29:49,521
The messages I send to father,
long rambling endeavours.

788
00:29:49,607 --> 00:29:53,237
"Just landed, wonderful holiday.
Food was fantastic, weather was glorious.

789
00:29:53,407 --> 00:29:55,876
Happy to be back, but sad to not be
in that wonderful weather.

790
00:29:56,127 --> 00:29:57,242
How are you? Is all well?"

791
00:29:57,367 --> 00:29:58,243
The reply will just be

792
00:29:58,447 --> 00:29:59,437
"Yes, fine".

793
00:29:59,607 --> 00:30:00,563
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

794
00:30:00,767 --> 00:30:02,166
Are you a hostage?

795
00:30:02,647 --> 00:30:03,682
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

796
00:30:06,407 --> 00:30:08,205
I find it quite weird
talking about my father on stage.

797
00:30:08,287 --> 00:30:09,960
I never did it. I've been doing
stand up for ten years.

798
00:30:10,047 --> 00:30:11,606
And I didn't do it
when he was a teacher

799
00:30:11,647 --> 00:30:13,684
because I didn't want to undermine
his authority

800
00:30:13,887 --> 00:30:16,163
but also there's just no real
friction with my dad, really.

801
00:30:16,247 --> 00:30:18,204
He's just a lovely man,
we just get on really well.

802
00:30:18,447 --> 00:30:20,518
When I came out as bisexual

803
00:30:20,607 --> 00:30:21,756
on my 21st birthday

804
00:30:21,847 --> 00:30:25,556
obviously very nervous about that,
didn't really know what he was gonna say.

805
00:30:25,647 --> 00:30:26,717
And he was so lovely.

806
00:30:26,807 --> 00:30:28,639
I said to him,
I said "Dad, I think I might be bisexual"

807
00:30:28,687 --> 00:30:30,803
and he went
"That's fine, as long as you're happy.

808
00:30:30,847 --> 00:30:31,723
I don't mind, whatever".

809
00:30:32,247 --> 00:30:33,885
And I was sort of annoyed,
I was sort of like

810
00:30:34,127 --> 00:30:35,879
"Punch me, give me a story!"

811
00:30:36,207 --> 00:30:37,356
I tried to escalate it.

812
00:30:37,487 --> 00:30:38,636
JOE SHOUTS:
"I'm taking drugs!"

813
00:30:39,007 --> 00:30:40,645
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- "Don't tell your mother".

814
00:30:41,247 --> 00:30:42,282
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

815
00:30:42,847 --> 00:30:44,167
“I'm listening to Snow Patrol",

816
00:30:44,367 --> 00:30:46,085
"Get out of my house!"

817
00:30:46,407 --> 00:30:47,397
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

818
00:30:50,447 --> 00:30:52,279
So he's been amazing,
he's been extraordinary.

819
00:30:52,367 --> 00:30:54,961
I've also been getting help with the house
from a friend of mine called Peter.

820
00:30:55,047 --> 00:30:56,765
You'll learn a lot about Peter in this show.

821
00:30:56,927 --> 00:30:58,520
He's one of my oldest, dearest friends.

822
00:30:58,607 --> 00:31:01,804
He's hard to explain in a short way,
in a sort of, succinct way.

823
00:31:01,927 --> 00:31:05,158
I find a good way of giving you
a bit of an idea of what Peter's like

824
00:31:05,407 --> 00:31:10,004
is to tell you that he once tried to spend
24 hours, in a 24-hour Tesco.

825
00:31:10,527 --> 00:31:11,961
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

826
00:31:17,287 --> 00:31:18,516
Like it was a challenge.

827
00:31:19,527 --> 00:31:23,407
He got kicked out after 21 hours
for trying on too many clothes.

828
00:31:23,447 --> 00:31:24,517
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

829
00:31:26,407 --> 00:31:28,284
I've known him for like,
since we were about 12.

830
00:31:28,367 --> 00:31:30,927
We didn't go to the same school,
but we had similar friendship groups.

831
00:31:31,007 --> 00:31:31,963
We've grown up together,

832
00:31:32,007 --> 00:31:34,044
We didn't fall out, but we fell apart

833
00:31:34,167 --> 00:31:35,840
cos he went to Japan after university

834
00:31:35,967 --> 00:31:39,119
and he's just been back for about a year
and now he's back, he's doing little jobs.

835
00:31:39,207 --> 00:31:40,720
Different things,
trying to make ends meet.

836
00:31:40,807 --> 00:31:43,242
One of the jobs he does,
because he speaks fluent Japanese

837
00:31:43,327 --> 00:31:46,240
is to teach people in England--
Japanese people in England--

838
00:31:46,287 --> 00:31:47,322
how to speak English.

839
00:31:47,487 --> 00:31:49,637
And he's got a middle-aged student
called Aiko

840
00:31:49,847 --> 00:31:51,326
who he set some homework for,

841
00:31:51,647 --> 00:31:53,046
The homework was an email.

842
00:31:53,367 --> 00:31:55,199
I pride myself on writing emails.

843
00:31:55,287 --> 00:31:58,882
Aiko's written, I think, the greatest email
in the history of email.

844
00:31:59,647 --> 00:32:03,242
The homework was to write
an informal email of complaint

845
00:32:03,367 --> 00:32:04,766
with an aggressive tone.

846
00:32:04,927 --> 00:32:06,281
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

847
00:32:06,367 --> 00:32:08,085
This is what she actually wrote.

848
00:32:09,167 --> 00:32:10,202
"Dear Sarah

849
00:32:10,367 --> 00:32:12,597
You probably know why I'm writing,
you bitch!"

850
00:32:12,807 --> 00:32:14,525
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

851
00:32:21,927 --> 00:32:24,203
I want to start every email with that
from now on.

852
00:32:29,487 --> 00:32:31,842
"You smashed glasses
and made terrible racket.

853
00:32:31,927 --> 00:32:34,237
It was so evil, daft bastard!"

854
00:32:34,327 --> 00:32:35,442
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

855
00:32:39,287 --> 00:32:41,198
"Whatever, make up for it immediately.

856
00:32:41,367 --> 00:32:42,641
Bobs your uncle, Aiko".

857
00:32:42,727 --> 00:32:44,320
Isn't that extraordinary?
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

858
00:32:45,487 --> 00:32:46,886
Full marks, of course.

859
00:32:47,367 --> 00:32:49,278
AUDIENCE CHEERS

860
00:32:49,767 --> 00:32:50,677
Love it!

861
00:32:50,807 --> 00:32:53,003
I mean, props to Aiko,
it's hard to learn a language.

862
00:32:53,127 --> 00:32:54,322
I'm trying to learn German at the minute.

863
00:32:54,407 --> 00:32:56,125
I went with German
because I just thought it was funny.

864
00:32:56,207 --> 00:32:58,278
Hazelnut, Haselnuss,
it's a funny language.

865
00:32:58,527 --> 00:33:00,882
And I'm using Duolingo.
Do people use Duolingo?

866
00:33:00,967 --> 00:33:02,196
AUDIENCE CHEERS
- It's good isn't it?

867
00:33:02,287 --> 00:33:03,641
It gives you like,
a composite sentence.

868
00:33:03,687 --> 00:33:06,122
It sounds like I'm sponsored, I'm not,
it's just a good app.

869
00:33:06,167 --> 00:33:08,727
They give you composite sentences
that get progressively harder.

870
00:33:09,007 --> 00:33:11,567
One of my friends is on
really advanced German at the minute

871
00:33:11,647 --> 00:33:14,002
and one of the sentences
he had to translate the other week is

872
00:33:14,167 --> 00:33:15,601
"It is a war crime".

873
00:33:15,887 --> 00:33:19,039
I'm not sure
when that's gonna be useful, really.

874
00:33:19,127 --> 00:33:20,276
Wandering round Berlin

875
00:33:20,407 --> 00:33:21,920
"This sauerkraut is disgusting".

876
00:33:22,007 --> 00:33:24,317
"It is a war ctime how disgusting it is".
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

877
00:33:27,687 --> 00:33:29,041
So yeah, Peter's helping me out.

878
00:33:29,207 --> 00:33:31,403
Peter, he's a really funny guy.

879
00:33:31,487 --> 00:33:33,239
He loves comedy and we go to the pub a lot

880
00:33:33,327 --> 00:33:35,159
and we sort of tiff on comedic ideas.

881
00:33:35,247 --> 00:33:36,999
He loves to create comedy characters.

882
00:33:37,087 --> 00:33:39,476
He likes to create the ideas
of what people could be like

883
00:33:39,807 --> 00:33:41,036
and he's created one that I love

884
00:33:41,167 --> 00:33:43,078
which is the idea of a homeless man

885
00:33:43,167 --> 00:33:44,999
who's into really specific things.

886
00:33:45,207 --> 00:33:47,562
So, you know that most homeless people
will ask for enough for a cup of tea.

887
00:33:47,607 --> 00:33:48,438
That kind of thing.

888
00:33:48,487 --> 00:33:50,000
He likes the idea
of a homeless man that goes

889
00:33:50,047 --> 00:33:51,606
IN A DEEP VOICE:
"Sorry mate, I can see you're busy.

890
00:33:51,647 --> 00:33:53,684
You haven't got a manual
for a Fiat Punto have you?"

891
00:33:53,967 --> 00:33:55,401
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

892
00:33:55,727 --> 00:33:57,684
Really specific stuff.

893
00:34:01,967 --> 00:34:03,082
IN A DEEP VOICE:
Sorry mate, I shouldn't ask

894
00:34:03,167 --> 00:34:04,885
I shouldn't ask, you haven't got
a Fabergé egg have you?

895
00:34:04,967 --> 00:34:06,366
Just really weird stuff!

896
00:34:06,727 --> 00:34:07,956
Brilliant, brilliant at it.

897
00:34:08,447 --> 00:34:09,846
But he's also a prankster,

898
00:34:09,927 --> 00:34:12,521
He's a troll, and I'm a troll,
but he did it to me, and I didn't like it!

899
00:34:12,727 --> 00:34:14,286
It was one of the worst things
that happened to me

900
00:34:14,367 --> 00:34:16,358
and actually, funnily enough,
it's happened to me here.

901
00:34:16,447 --> 00:34:19,883
We were in the pub a week before
I was doing the Royal Variety.

902
00:34:20,047 --> 00:34:23,039
It was only with Charles and Camilla
not the proper ones, who gives a shit?

903
00:34:23,367 --> 00:34:24,516
And...
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

904
00:34:24,647 --> 00:34:26,445
He said to me, he said
"How are you feeling about Royal Variety"

905
00:34:26,527 --> 00:34:28,757
and I said, "I'm really nervous,
like I don't know what I'm gonna say".

906
00:34:28,847 --> 00:34:30,918
There's like, loads of protocol,
obviously you can't swear

907
00:34:31,007 --> 00:34:34,443
but there's loads of things you wouldn't
realise, little things that you can't say.

908
00:34:34,607 --> 00:34:36,564
And I said, "I'm really nervous
I don't know what I'm gonna do".

909
00:34:36,687 --> 00:34:38,439
And he knew what he was doing
cos he went...

910
00:34:38,807 --> 00:34:42,038
"Well, wouldn't want to say Diana
was murdered, would you?"

911
00:34:42,367 --> 00:34:43,323
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- No!

912
00:34:43,407 --> 00:34:46,479
Why did you put that in my head
the week before Royal Variety? Fuck sake!

913
00:34:46,567 --> 00:34:48,638
It was rolling around my head,
the whole bloody week.

914
00:34:48,727 --> 00:34:50,718
And I was stood, side of stage,
it was literally just there.

915
00:34:50,807 --> 00:34:52,036
Royal Variety, cos it was in this room.

916
00:34:52,167 --> 00:34:53,157
And I was quaking with nerves

917
00:34:53,207 --> 00:34:54,959
and I don't normally get that nervous
about stand up.

918
00:34:55,047 --> 00:34:57,084
Got my little jacket on.
I was really shivering with nerves,

919
00:34:57,207 --> 00:34:59,005
I could see Charles and Camilla
through a gap in the curtain.

920
00:34:59,047 --> 00:34:59,923
They were up there somewhere.

921
00:35:00,047 --> 00:35:00,957
Proper shaking

922
00:35:01,047 --> 00:35:02,321
and I was going through my notes
on my phone

923
00:35:02,407 --> 00:35:04,876
to remind myself of what I was going to do
what my material was gonna be

924
00:35:04,967 --> 00:35:07,959
and I shouldn't have told him,
but I told him what time I was going on stage

925
00:35:08,047 --> 00:35:10,926
and he texts me
seconds before I went on stage

926
00:35:11,167 --> 00:35:13,078
and it was just a picture of Diana
on her wedding day.

927
00:35:13,167 --> 00:35:14,805
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

928
00:35:17,247 --> 00:35:18,396
And then underneath

929
00:35:18,607 --> 00:35:20,644
"Don't let her down".
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

930
00:35:28,407 --> 00:35:30,444
LAUGHING CONTINUES

931
00:35:31,807 --> 00:35:33,036
Absolute bell-end.

932
00:35:35,287 --> 00:35:36,277
So he's been helping out.

933
00:35:36,367 --> 00:35:38,563
I say he's been helping out,
he's been giving me bad advice, actually.

934
00:35:38,727 --> 00:35:40,320
There was an archway in the living room

935
00:35:40,407 --> 00:35:42,045
and it had a fireplace in it years ago

936
00:35:42,127 --> 00:35:43,561
and I didn't know what to do with it
and he went

937
00:35:43,607 --> 00:35:46,121
"Oh, you like posh things,
why don't you get a log burner?"

938
00:35:46,207 --> 00:35:48,039
So I got a log burner on his advice

939
00:35:48,167 --> 00:35:50,602
since discovered, from a quite
sanctimonious friend of mine

940
00:35:50,687 --> 00:35:51,802
shouldn't have got a log burner.

941
00:35:51,847 --> 00:35:52,962
They came round, they were like

942
00:35:53,047 --> 00:35:54,526
"Actually,
you shouldn't have got a log burner.

943
00:35:54,567 --> 00:35:56,046
It's very bad for the environment
to burn logs.

944
00:35:56,127 --> 00:35:57,117
I'll send you a book about it".

945
00:35:57,327 --> 00:35:59,125
And to be fair,
the book burnt beautifully.

946
00:35:59,207 --> 00:36:01,483
That was lovely.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

947
00:36:02,047 --> 00:36:03,446
Farrow and Ball paint.

948
00:36:03,527 --> 00:36:06,360
He suggests, "Oh, you like posh things,
get posh paint, Farrow and Ball paint".

949
00:36:06,607 --> 00:36:08,803
Farrow and Ball has a shop in Solihull.

950
00:36:08,887 --> 00:36:10,036
In the Midlands, in Birmingham.

951
00:36:10,207 --> 00:36:12,278
Solihull is still Birmingham.

952
00:36:12,367 --> 00:36:15,325
It's a posh part of Birmingham,
so there's still vomit on the streets

953
00:36:15,407 --> 00:36:17,762
but there's mangetout in it in Solihull.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

954
00:36:18,967 --> 00:36:20,844
The colour names in Farrow and Ball...

955
00:36:21,367 --> 00:36:22,482
"Elephant's Breath".

956
00:36:23,127 --> 00:36:26,483
Grey! That's an abstract name
they've given to grey.

957
00:36:26,607 --> 00:36:29,918
I think you should be able to go
into Farrow and Ball with your own colour names

958
00:36:30,087 --> 00:36:30,997
abstract names

959
00:36:31,087 --> 00:36:33,397
and they just have to create the colour
they think you're on about.

960
00:36:33,487 --> 00:36:35,683
You go and say, "Yes, I was thinking of
painting the living room..."

961
00:36:35,767 --> 00:36:36,996
"Disappointed Wife".

962
00:36:37,247 --> 00:36:38,885
Just see what they come up with.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

963
00:36:39,327 --> 00:36:40,886
"Hmm, I was thinking, in the bedroom

964
00:36:40,967 --> 00:36:43,766
"David Dick-In-Your-Son",
Just whatever they think that is!

965
00:36:44,767 --> 00:36:47,805
Well, the guy in the Farrow and Ball shop
is so posh, he's like

966
00:36:47,927 --> 00:36:48,962
HE BABBLES:
Bwa-bwa-bwa-ba...

967
00:36:49,047 --> 00:36:50,879
You know, he's like that.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

968
00:36:51,927 --> 00:36:53,281
Right, I've realised

969
00:36:53,407 --> 00:36:55,398
this... I'm not sure
if you'll get this reference.

970
00:36:55,487 --> 00:36:57,717
I've realised that's quite close
to an impression that I do

971
00:36:57,807 --> 00:37:00,276
of Jessie from Little Mix,
doing a Jamaican accent.

972
00:37:00,407 --> 00:37:02,159
OK, some of you know this.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

973
00:37:02,247 --> 00:37:04,079
If you don't,
treat yourself after the show.

974
00:37:04,167 --> 00:37:05,805
Jesus, oh!

975
00:37:06,007 --> 00:37:07,441
How to describe this, so...

976
00:37:07,567 --> 00:37:10,764
Little Mix are a band, I'm sure you know
Little Mix, four of them.

977
00:37:11,047 --> 00:37:13,357
Uh, they were doing like a promo
video, I think it was

978
00:37:13,487 --> 00:37:16,161
and they had these cards
that had accents on

979
00:37:16,327 --> 00:37:18,523
and Jessie, one of the members,
got "Jamaican"

980
00:37:18,647 --> 00:37:20,558
and this is literally what she did,
she went

981
00:37:21,407 --> 00:37:22,442
"Oh, um..."

982
00:37:22,887 --> 00:37:24,605
HE BABBLES:
Bwar-de-den-de... That was it!

983
00:37:24,807 --> 00:37:26,639
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- HE SNIGGERS: So...

984
00:37:27,447 --> 00:37:29,677
That was the guy in Farrow and Ball,
he was that posh.

985
00:37:29,767 --> 00:37:31,678
HE BABBLES:
Bwar-de-den-de... That was how posh he was.

986
00:37:32,167 --> 00:37:34,124
I went in, I said hello.
He went "Bwar-de-den-de..."

987
00:37:34,847 --> 00:37:37,077
You're Jamaican.
"Bwar-de-den-de..."

988
00:37:38,607 --> 00:37:40,518
"Bwar-de..."
What was she thinking?

989
00:37:40,887 --> 00:37:41,797
HE SNIGGERS

990
00:37:41,927 --> 00:37:44,043
So, I went in, I said hello,
"Bwar-de-den-de"

991
00:37:44,207 --> 00:37:45,356
um...
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

992
00:37:46,687 --> 00:37:48,837
And I said... and I said,
"I'm buying some paint"

993
00:37:48,927 --> 00:37:50,645
"I'm doing the living room"
and he said

994
00:37:50,807 --> 00:37:52,718
IN POSH VOICE:
Are you doing it yourself?

995
00:37:53,687 --> 00:37:55,007
And I said "Yeah",
and he said

996
00:37:55,447 --> 00:37:57,120
IN POSH VOICE:
Have you painted before?

997
00:37:57,247 --> 00:37:59,397
And I said, "No".

998
00:37:59,687 --> 00:38:01,007
And he went...
- HE GASPS THEATRICALLY

999
00:38:01,127 --> 00:38:02,242
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1000
00:38:02,327 --> 00:38:04,716
and I said "Oh, no I tell a lie.
I've done this one of Paul Chuckle, sorry".

1001
00:38:04,927 --> 00:38:06,725
AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CHEERS

1002
00:38:11,247 --> 00:38:12,646
He... He said, well...

1003
00:38:12,767 --> 00:38:13,677
IN POSH VOICE:
"I don't much like that".

1004
00:38:13,927 --> 00:38:16,760
Well, Paul Chuckle was fucking
thrilled with it, actually, so...

1005
00:38:17,007 --> 00:38:18,645
AUDIENCE APPLAUD AND CHEER

1006
00:38:22,687 --> 00:38:24,246
This thing is so silly.

1007
00:38:24,327 --> 00:38:25,886
I did that painting as an exercise.

1008
00:38:25,967 --> 00:38:28,163
I just thought he had a funny face,
I thought I'd paint his face.

1009
00:38:28,327 --> 00:38:29,886
And I put it on Twitter,
didn't send it to him.

1010
00:38:29,967 --> 00:38:31,480
Somebody did,
cos he got in touch he said

1011
00:38:31,607 --> 00:38:32,927
"Joe, I love that painting
you've done of me.

1012
00:38:33,007 --> 00:38:35,362
My wife got me some paints for Christmas,
I want to learn how to paint.

1013
00:38:35,527 --> 00:38:37,677
If you send me the one you've done
of me, I'll do one of you".

1014
00:38:37,727 --> 00:38:39,047
This is a Paul Chuckle original!

1015
00:38:39,127 --> 00:38:40,526
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1016
00:38:41,447 --> 00:38:42,881
It sort of looks like me

1017
00:38:43,087 --> 00:38:44,839
crossed with The Joker after a stroke

1018
00:38:44,967 --> 00:38:46,799
but I'm happy with it!
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1019
00:38:49,447 --> 00:38:50,960
First thing to go up in my house.

1020
00:38:51,087 --> 00:38:52,361
I love taking people round,
they're like

1021
00:38:52,447 --> 00:38:53,482
"Hmm, what is that?"

1022
00:38:53,527 --> 00:38:55,677
Made by Paul fucking Chuckle,
actually so...

1023
00:38:56,207 --> 00:38:57,322
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1024
00:39:00,007 --> 00:39:01,042
I do love that painting.

1025
00:39:01,127 --> 00:39:02,526
There's a few things I love about the house.

1026
00:39:02,607 --> 00:39:05,360
I love a gadget so I've got an Alexa.
Have people got Alexas?

1027
00:39:05,647 --> 00:39:07,479
A FEW PEOPLE CHEER
- I quite like...

1028
00:39:07,567 --> 00:39:09,444
If you don't know what it is,
it's like a little disk

1029
00:39:09,607 --> 00:39:11,644
and you call it Alexa,
and she does things for you.

1030
00:39:11,847 --> 00:39:14,123
I literally got it because I wanted
to teach her sinister things.

1031
00:39:14,207 --> 00:39:15,436
That's literally the only reason.

1032
00:39:15,527 --> 00:39:17,677
I just wanted, when friends have come round
for dinner and they were leaving

1033
00:39:17,767 --> 00:39:20,361
They'll say, "Lovely to see you, Joe.
Thank you so much for having us".

1034
00:39:20,447 --> 00:39:22,040
I just wanted to go, "Alexa..."

1035
00:39:22,247 --> 00:39:23,442
"Lock the doors".

1036
00:39:23,687 --> 00:39:25,166
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1037
00:39:25,967 --> 00:39:28,277
I've got these plugs, as well,
that connect to the lights

1038
00:39:28,367 --> 00:39:30,165
and it means that I can turn
the lights on using Alexa.

1039
00:39:30,487 --> 00:39:33,366
And I've given all the lights in my house
middle-aged receptionist names.

1040
00:39:33,447 --> 00:39:34,278
So...
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1041
00:39:34,367 --> 00:39:36,040
When I go up to the bedroom I go
"Alexa..."

1042
00:39:36,207 --> 00:39:37,527
"Turn Susan on".

1043
00:39:37,687 --> 00:39:39,325
Feels nice.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1044
00:39:43,127 --> 00:39:46,597
A lot of comics, a lot of writers will have
next to their bed, a pad and pen

1045
00:39:46,687 --> 00:39:47,916
where they'll jot down ideas -

1046
00:39:47,967 --> 00:39:49,878
things that come to them
at 4am in the morning

1047
00:39:50,007 --> 00:39:50,917
that they think are genius.

1048
00:39:50,967 --> 00:39:52,605
I used to have the pad and pen
but I never used it

1049
00:39:52,687 --> 00:39:54,405
cos I couldn't be bothered really,
when woke up.

1050
00:39:54,527 --> 00:39:55,801
Now I've got Alexa, I do it all the time.

1051
00:39:55,887 --> 00:39:57,446
I ask her to remind me of stuff
all the time.

1052
00:39:57,607 --> 00:40:00,281
Here are my four favourite things
that I've asked Alexa to remind me -

1053
00:40:01,207 --> 00:40:03,676
One: glory hole in a glass door.

1054
00:40:04,167 --> 00:40:05,760
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1055
00:40:05,847 --> 00:40:08,157
Not sure if I was going to pitch that
to Dragons Den.

1056
00:40:08,247 --> 00:40:09,646
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1057
00:40:10,087 --> 00:40:12,886
Oh, a solution to the drugs problem
which actually, I think is quite good.

1058
00:40:12,967 --> 00:40:15,322
In my utopia all drugs are legal

1059
00:40:15,447 --> 00:40:16,596
but they're all £1

1060
00:40:16,687 --> 00:40:19,327
and you have to really want them
because the only way to access them

1061
00:40:19,407 --> 00:40:21,557
is in those grabber machines
that they have at fairs.

1062
00:40:23,607 --> 00:40:25,723
Waking someone to tell them
something unimportant.

1063
00:40:25,807 --> 00:40:27,718
I just love the idea of running in
to Mum, and going...

1064
00:40:27,847 --> 00:40:29,201
Mum. Mum-mum-mum-mum-mum!

1065
00:40:29,687 --> 00:40:32,156
I'm really enjoying the latest series
of Game of Thrones.

1066
00:40:32,367 --> 00:40:33,846
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1067
00:40:34,487 --> 00:40:36,603
And finally, who called them turtle necks

1068
00:40:36,687 --> 00:40:38,963
and not ugly, shit clothes?
Who did that?

1069
00:40:40,167 --> 00:40:41,566
I don't know who did that.

1070
00:40:43,327 --> 00:40:45,682
Showed Alexa to Peter
when he came round, when I first got her.

1071
00:40:45,767 --> 00:40:47,917
I said, "That's good isn't it?
She answers questions, plays music..."

1072
00:40:48,007 --> 00:40:48,997
He's like, "It's a piece of shit".

1073
00:40:49,127 --> 00:40:50,401
Disappeared into the house.

1074
00:40:50,487 --> 00:40:53,605
Next morning, I was talking to my father
at 11am on the dot

1075
00:40:53,687 --> 00:40:55,086
cos I remember it very vividly

1076
00:40:55,247 --> 00:40:56,681
cos Alexa pops up and goes...

1077
00:40:56,807 --> 00:40:59,447
"This is your daily reminder
to suck a dog's cock".

1078
00:40:59,727 --> 00:41:01,206
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1079
00:41:05,167 --> 00:41:07,158
11am is early for that, I feel.

1080
00:41:08,087 --> 00:41:11,478
3:45 at the earliest, I find
for sucking a dog's cock.

1081
00:41:14,607 --> 00:41:17,042
I've also... Another thing I love
about the house, I've got an off licence.

1082
00:41:17,127 --> 00:41:18,322
I love the off licence.

1083
00:41:18,487 --> 00:41:20,000
It's an off licence sort of grocery.

1084
00:41:20,247 --> 00:41:22,045
Baz, who runs it, my new best friend.

1085
00:41:22,127 --> 00:41:23,925
He came round to the house
when we were doing the works.

1086
00:41:24,007 --> 00:41:25,805
I was outside, and he said,
"Oh, can I have a look?"

1087
00:41:25,927 --> 00:41:28,726
I said, "Oh, yeah." I showed him the attic
and said, "This will be my bedroom".

1088
00:41:28,807 --> 00:41:29,922
And he said, "What d'you do?"

1089
00:41:30,087 --> 00:41:32,044
and I said, "Oh, I'm a comedian".
And he went "Oh".

1090
00:41:32,087 --> 00:41:33,885
And that was the extent of the conversation.

1091
00:41:34,167 --> 00:41:36,124
Next day, I went into the shop,
it was really busy.

1092
00:41:36,287 --> 00:41:37,163
He ran up to me, he went

1093
00:41:37,327 --> 00:41:38,965
"You didn't say you were a TV comedian".

1094
00:41:39,047 --> 00:41:40,560
I said, "Oh, yeah. I've been on tele a bit".

1095
00:41:40,607 --> 00:41:42,006
"It's not that big a deal,
let's not make a fuss".

1096
00:41:42,207 --> 00:41:44,278
And he went,
"Gonna have fun up in that attic".

1097
00:41:44,567 --> 00:41:46,478
And I said...
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1098
00:41:46,567 --> 00:41:47,602
"W-What d'you mean by that?"

1099
00:41:47,687 --> 00:41:49,917
And he went,
"With all the comedy girls".

1100
00:41:50,207 --> 00:41:52,483
And I went,
"Oh, chance would be a fine thing".

1101
00:41:52,567 --> 00:41:53,682
You know, tried to be laddy.

1102
00:41:53,847 --> 00:41:56,202
And he lent into me and he went

1103
00:41:57,007 --> 00:41:58,680
IN A LOW VOICE:
"You're a dirty dog".

1104
00:41:58,727 --> 00:42:00,286
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1105
00:42:01,207 --> 00:42:03,403
Anyway, Baz and I have been fucking
in the attic for a while now.

1106
00:42:03,487 --> 00:42:05,319
It's been marvellous.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1107
00:42:05,687 --> 00:42:07,405
The reason I mention the off licence

1108
00:42:07,487 --> 00:42:09,205
is something happened there
on the day I got the house.

1109
00:42:09,287 --> 00:42:10,721
And I still can't get my head around it.

1110
00:42:10,967 --> 00:42:13,197
I went in to get a celebratory bottle,
I thought that would be nice

1111
00:42:13,287 --> 00:42:15,324
to celebrate buying a house,
exciting achievement.

1112
00:42:15,407 --> 00:42:18,320
In front of me was a lad
buying a four-pack of lager beers.

1113
00:42:18,407 --> 00:42:19,317
IN A BRUM ACCENT:
"A few tinnies with the boys

1114
00:42:19,407 --> 00:42:20,317
watch the game today".

1115
00:42:20,407 --> 00:42:21,317
And um...

1116
00:42:21,407 --> 00:42:24,877
I was here. There was a girl--
it wasn't Baz on the till that day--

1117
00:42:24,967 --> 00:42:26,958
it was a girl, she was probably about 18,
couldn't be much older

1118
00:42:27,127 --> 00:42:28,481
and she said to the guy, she said

1119
00:42:28,687 --> 00:42:30,564
"Can I see some ID?" and he went

1120
00:42:30,727 --> 00:42:33,287
"Fucking hell, for fuck sake,
this is fucking ridiculous".

1121
00:42:33,807 --> 00:42:35,161
And then, had ID!

1122
00:42:35,487 --> 00:42:37,125
And showed it to her,
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1123
00:42:37,527 --> 00:42:39,723
And she looked at it, and she went,
"Yep, that's fine" and he paid for it

1124
00:42:39,807 --> 00:42:41,525
and went out with his beers.

1125
00:42:41,607 --> 00:42:43,678
And I went up with my bottle
of Pinot Blush, I was like..

1126
00:42:43,767 --> 00:42:45,326
"He was really full on,
wasn't he, like really

1127
00:42:45,607 --> 00:42:47,484
aggressive and horrible",
And she went

1128
00:42:47,687 --> 00:42:50,327
"He's in here every day
and it's always the same".

1129
00:42:50,847 --> 00:42:52,406
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1130
00:42:58,527 --> 00:43:00,518
Time moves in one direction.

1131
00:43:06,927 --> 00:43:09,237
Cos I've been in my childhood bedroom
most of my life

1132
00:43:09,327 --> 00:43:11,125
I've got now stuff, got no furniture.

1133
00:43:11,407 --> 00:43:14,798
The amount of aunties and uncles
trying to lump shit coffee tables...

1134
00:43:14,887 --> 00:43:17,037
Mugs, everyone's got a bloody mug
to give you!

1135
00:43:17,207 --> 00:43:20,438
I got a mug from my auntie
which has got a motivational quote on it

1136
00:43:20,527 --> 00:43:21,961
and I hate a motivational quote.

1137
00:43:22,167 --> 00:43:23,077
The quote is

1138
00:43:23,167 --> 00:43:25,761
"You've got the same amount of hours
in the day as Beyoncé".

1139
00:43:26,447 --> 00:43:28,324
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1140
00:43:28,487 --> 00:43:30,922
But not the resources, Janet!

1141
00:43:31,327 --> 00:43:32,601
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1142
00:43:39,127 --> 00:43:41,198
I showed it to Peter, I said,
"That's bollocks, isn't it?" and he went

1143
00:43:41,287 --> 00:43:43,358
"Yes, so did Rose West,
see how that turned out!"

1144
00:43:43,447 --> 00:43:44,926
I was like...
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1145
00:43:45,007 --> 00:43:47,157
That wasn't my issue with the mug
but you go for it, darling.

1146
00:43:48,647 --> 00:43:50,001
I've become a bit obsessed with tat

1147
00:43:50,087 --> 00:43:52,727
because I'm on my local "sell and swap"
Facebook group.

1148
00:43:52,807 --> 00:43:55,162
If you're not on yours,
there will be one in your local area.

1149
00:43:55,247 --> 00:43:56,442
Have a look at it after the show.

1150
00:43:56,607 --> 00:43:59,042
What it is, if you're not familiar
with the sell and swap concept

1151
00:43:59,247 --> 00:44:01,841
it's people with nothing to do
with their lives

1152
00:44:02,007 --> 00:44:04,601
trying to sell and swap utter shit

1153
00:44:04,727 --> 00:44:06,320
that they've found in their houses!

1154
00:44:06,407 --> 00:44:07,636
There was a woman on there the other day.

1155
00:44:07,767 --> 00:44:09,599
She wanted to swap these sausages.

1156
00:44:09,687 --> 00:44:10,643
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1157
00:44:10,727 --> 00:44:13,082
She bought some
Cauldron vegetarian sausages.

1158
00:44:13,167 --> 00:44:16,364
She realised they weren't vegan,
she wanted to swap them for a bag of fruit

1159
00:44:16,447 --> 00:44:17,437
e.g. plums.

1160
00:44:17,527 --> 00:44:18,801
I know what fruit is!

1161
00:44:18,887 --> 00:44:19,877
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1162
00:44:20,007 --> 00:44:22,806
I don't need an example.
What is this fruit?

1163
00:44:24,647 --> 00:44:27,685
Some of the shit you get on here.
Wooden snail, right.

1164
00:44:27,767 --> 00:44:29,121
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1165
00:44:29,647 --> 00:44:30,523
Four comments!

1166
00:44:30,607 --> 00:44:32,598
Who's looking at that, going
"I need more information"?

1167
00:44:32,687 --> 00:44:34,439
"What is that? I don't know what that is".

1168
00:44:37,847 --> 00:44:39,884
Unusual, unglazed vase.

1169
00:44:39,967 --> 00:44:41,162
You say unusual.

1170
00:44:41,247 --> 00:44:43,284
I think someone's wrapped
some ham round itself.

1171
00:44:43,367 --> 00:44:44,766
That's what it looks like to me!

1172
00:44:48,087 --> 00:44:49,157
This one's...

1173
00:44:49,567 --> 00:44:51,046
It's a horrible that, isn't it horrible?

1174
00:44:51,487 --> 00:44:53,478
This one's particularly bat shit,
this is um...

1175
00:44:53,527 --> 00:44:54,562
I'll zoom in on this one.

1176
00:44:54,727 --> 00:44:56,843
"About 120 adult DVDs.

1177
00:44:56,927 --> 00:44:59,441
Can easily sell for a pound each
so good profit

1178
00:44:59,607 --> 00:45:02,918
open your boot at work
and let the lads dive in".

1179
00:45:04,327 --> 00:45:07,558
Look at them just on the side,
next to the kettle, horrible.

1180
00:45:08,767 --> 00:45:10,360
Of course I'm trolling this group.

1181
00:45:10,447 --> 00:45:12,836
Of course I am, with my character
Christopher Butterslip.

1182
00:45:12,927 --> 00:45:14,326
There he is.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1183
00:45:14,447 --> 00:45:17,087
That's a drawing I did of Mickey Flanagan
that didn't go very well.

1184
00:45:19,687 --> 00:45:20,961
Done a lot of good work with Christopher.

1185
00:45:21,047 --> 00:45:22,845
I'm very proud of the work
I've done with Christopher.

1186
00:45:23,007 --> 00:45:24,281
First thing I did. There was a gitl...

1187
00:45:24,327 --> 00:45:26,682
She was selling
a Jean-Paul Sartre book for £4.

1188
00:45:26,767 --> 00:45:27,962
She'd used it in her dissertation

1189
00:45:28,047 --> 00:45:30,357
and she needed it no longer.
She put it on the sell and swap.

1190
00:45:30,527 --> 00:45:33,246
I got in touch as Christopher, I said,
"Just out of curiosity

1191
00:45:33,367 --> 00:45:35,836
could you take a picture of the first page?"

1192
00:45:35,927 --> 00:45:37,804
And because she had nothing
to do with her day

1193
00:45:37,847 --> 00:45:39,804
within minutes a picture emerged
on the group.

1194
00:45:39,887 --> 00:45:42,197
So then I put, "And now the second page".

1195
00:45:42,287 --> 00:45:43,243
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1196
00:45:43,327 --> 00:45:44,556
I got to five pages

1197
00:45:44,647 --> 00:45:47,799
before she realised I was trying to
read the book through the pictures!

1198
00:45:47,927 --> 00:45:49,201
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1199
00:45:51,447 --> 00:45:54,838
Oh, this one was good fun.
"Little Sammy's grown out of his ocean pals".

1200
00:45:54,967 --> 00:45:57,038
"I've also got about four copies
of the Gruffalo".

1201
00:45:57,167 --> 00:45:58,919
"Looking to swap for something
a bit more...

1202
00:45:59,007 --> 00:46:00,077
grown up." she said.

1203
00:46:00,407 --> 00:46:02,557
No, some of you are further along here!

1204
00:46:03,167 --> 00:46:04,157
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1205
00:46:04,807 --> 00:46:07,640
I suggested knives and saws.
That's what I suggested.

1206
00:46:07,847 --> 00:46:08,837
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1207
00:46:09,367 --> 00:46:11,404
A nice selection of knives and saws.

1208
00:46:17,327 --> 00:46:20,797
She put
"Ha! Not quite what I had in mind".

1209
00:46:21,487 --> 00:46:23,080
So I thought about it for a little while.

1210
00:46:23,687 --> 00:46:26,486
Oh, I've got some adult DVDs,
let the lads dive in.

1211
00:46:26,647 --> 00:46:27,921
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1212
00:46:37,167 --> 00:46:39,204
My favourite thing I've done
on the sell and swap-- it's pathetic this--

1213
00:46:39,287 --> 00:46:40,436
I set myself up for a joke.

1214
00:46:40,687 --> 00:46:44,237
I listed my own thing.
I listed a bag of butter mints for £1.

1215
00:46:44,287 --> 00:46:46,676
Christopher Butterslip,
bag of butter mints, £1.

1216
00:46:47,087 --> 00:46:48,760
Logged out, logged in as me, Joe Lycett.

1217
00:46:48,847 --> 00:46:50,565
Commented, "What condition are these in?"

1218
00:46:50,767 --> 00:46:52,565
Logged back out,
in a Christopher Butterslip

1219
00:46:52,647 --> 00:46:54,320
"Mint condition".
Very happy with that.

1220
00:46:54,447 --> 00:46:55,767
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND LAUGHS

1221
00:46:59,967 --> 00:47:01,401
I'm a bell-end, aren't I.

1222
00:47:02,807 --> 00:47:04,844
Now, guys, I want to tell you
about a little project

1223
00:47:04,887 --> 00:47:06,366
I've been working on for the last year.

1224
00:47:06,567 --> 00:47:09,320
There's no nice way of saying this,
there's no easy way of saying this

1225
00:47:09,407 --> 00:47:11,045
I'm just gonna have to rip the plaster off.

1226
00:47:11,207 --> 00:47:12,402
For the last year

1227
00:47:12,607 --> 00:47:13,597
just under a year...

1228
00:47:13,727 --> 00:47:16,719
I have been trying to destroy the career
of Tom Daley.

1229
00:47:16,807 --> 00:47:18,525
There's no easy way of saying it.
I've said it.

1230
00:47:18,607 --> 00:47:20,564
It's gone, it's out there now,
I've said it.

1231
00:47:20,647 --> 00:47:24,766
I should caveat this by saying,
I think Tom Daley's amazing in lots of ways.

1232
00:47:24,847 --> 00:47:27,077
He's an Olympic diver,
I'm sure you're aware of Tom Daley.

1233
00:47:27,167 --> 00:47:29,397
He's gay. I think he was pushed into
coming out as gay

1234
00:47:29,447 --> 00:47:30,881
before he was necessarily ready.

1235
00:47:30,967 --> 00:47:32,844
There was a lot of fuss about it
from the gay press

1236
00:47:32,927 --> 00:47:35,680
and he's been a brilliant gay rights advocate
in lots of ways.

1237
00:47:35,887 --> 00:47:38,322
You might have seen that him and his husband,
Lance Black

1238
00:47:38,407 --> 00:47:40,523
announced a few months ago
that they're having a baby together.

1239
00:47:40,807 --> 00:47:43,276
Shouldn't be a brave thing to do
in this day and age, but it was.

1240
00:47:43,327 --> 00:47:44,476
He got a lot of nastiness

1241
00:47:44,567 --> 00:47:46,399
and he's been serene
throughout the whole thing

1242
00:47:46,447 --> 00:47:47,482
so I do think he's brilliant.

1243
00:47:47,567 --> 00:47:49,683
However, I now want to
slag him off. So...

1244
00:47:49,767 --> 00:47:50,757
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1245
00:47:50,967 --> 00:47:52,799
Tom Daley irked me last summer

1246
00:47:52,967 --> 00:47:55,038
for two reasons: two Instagram posts.

1247
00:47:55,127 --> 00:47:56,800
And I'll show them to you now.
This is the first one.

1248
00:47:56,887 --> 00:47:58,082
This is him at Gay Pride.

1249
00:47:58,167 --> 00:48:02,081
Love the way that he's extending his arm
out there to show the parade march there.

1250
00:48:02,247 --> 00:48:05,603
Love the look, the smile on his face,
beautiful framing there.

1251
00:48:05,887 --> 00:48:07,719
Before I go into too much detail about this

1252
00:48:07,847 --> 00:48:09,167
what's going on with the hand?

1253
00:48:09,247 --> 00:48:10,396
Where is the other finger?

1254
00:48:10,487 --> 00:48:12,285
I've looked at it loads.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1255
00:48:14,087 --> 00:48:16,237
I don't know if it's a lighting thing,
whether it's edited out.

1256
00:48:16,287 --> 00:48:17,277
I don't know how that happens.

1257
00:48:21,687 --> 00:48:23,963
I've got no issue with any of that really,
apart from the weird finger.

1258
00:48:24,047 --> 00:48:26,323
I've got no issue with this other post,
beautifully framed again.

1259
00:48:26,407 --> 00:48:29,206
His skin looks radiant
in that little triangle, marvellous.

1260
00:48:29,287 --> 00:48:31,164
Brave to wear a tank top,
but he seems to manage it.

1261
00:48:31,247 --> 00:48:32,203
I think it's wonderful.

1262
00:48:32,247 --> 00:48:34,841
I've got no issue with any of this,
I think it's all brilliant.

1263
00:48:34,927 --> 00:48:37,237
I've no issue with any of this, as well:
"Happy Pride Everyone!"

1264
00:48:37,327 --> 00:48:39,682
"It's been so awesome
to take part in my first ever pride"--

1265
00:48:39,727 --> 00:48:40,558
he'd not been before--

1266
00:48:40,647 --> 00:48:43,765
"But let's not forget why we have this day
and how much more we have to fight for

1267
00:48:43,967 --> 00:48:46,561
in many other social justice
movements around the world".

1268
00:48:46,647 --> 00:48:48,718
No issue with any of that,
brilliant that he went to Pride.

1269
00:48:48,927 --> 00:48:50,600
I think we all should
at some point in our lives

1270
00:48:50,647 --> 00:48:51,762
it's good fun, if nothing else.

1271
00:48:51,967 --> 00:48:53,321
My issue with both of these posts

1272
00:48:53,487 --> 00:48:55,683
is not what's in them,
it's what's underneath them.

1273
00:48:55,767 --> 00:48:56,677
And that is this.

1274
00:48:56,767 --> 00:48:58,997
@barclaysuk

1275
00:48:59,407 --> 00:49:02,206
That means that Tom Daley was sponsored
by Barclays to go to Pride.

1276
00:49:02,487 --> 00:49:05,081
And I don't have a problem with Tom Daley
being sponsored to do lots of things.

1277
00:49:05,167 --> 00:49:07,886
I understand, when you're an athlete
you've gotta make your money while you can.

1278
00:49:07,967 --> 00:49:09,878
You're not monetisable forever,
you might break your leg.

1279
00:49:10,087 --> 00:49:11,316
I totally get, being sponsored

1280
00:49:11,487 --> 00:49:13,080
but to be sponsored to go to Pride

1281
00:49:13,287 --> 00:49:15,517
which is a political event,
it made me uncomfortable.

1282
00:49:15,607 --> 00:49:18,076
It's sort of like going,
"Black lives matter, with Tesco".

1283
00:49:18,167 --> 00:49:19,919
It made me uncomfortable.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1284
00:49:22,607 --> 00:49:24,280
And I didn't want to make
a big deal of this.

1285
00:49:24,367 --> 00:49:26,199
I thought, it's and error in judgement,
in some way.

1286
00:49:26,287 --> 00:49:27,516
Didn't want to make a big fuss about it.

1287
00:49:27,607 --> 00:49:30,121
All thought I'd do
is a bit of light trolling of Tom Daley.

1288
00:49:30,207 --> 00:49:31,277
That's all I thought I'd do.

1289
00:49:31,567 --> 00:49:33,638
So what I did is, I went on this very post

1290
00:49:33,727 --> 00:49:34,762
and I commented on it

1291
00:49:34,847 --> 00:49:37,282
with hashtags of rival banks.
That's all I did.

1292
00:49:37,527 --> 00:49:39,803

- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1293
00:49:39,927 --> 00:49:41,486


1294
00:49:41,647 --> 00:49:43,399


1295
00:49:43,647 --> 00:49:45,399
AUDIENCE CHEERS

1296
00:49:46,887 --> 00:49:48,366
And for some reason

1297
00:49:48,487 --> 00:49:51,445
dozens of other people
started doing it, as well !

1298
00:49:52,687 --> 00:49:55,406


1299
00:49:55,607 --> 00:49:57,564
Vietcombank, an international one.

1300
00:49:57,687 --> 00:50:00,884
Dozens of people did this, and I know
that celebrities get paid loads for this.

1301
00:50:00,967 --> 00:50:03,481
Barclays will have had a PR team all over it.

1302
00:50:03,567 --> 00:50:06,400
I should mention that I've trolled Tom Daley
in a lot lighter way

1303
00:50:06,487 --> 00:50:07,602
about three years ago.

1304
00:50:07,687 --> 00:50:10,247
He posted to his Twitter,
a little post basically saying

1305
00:50:10,367 --> 00:50:12,563
"Just take the image below,
personalise it".

1306
00:50:12,647 --> 00:50:14,923
He just wanted you to customise
an image in your own way.

1307
00:50:15,007 --> 00:50:16,122
That's all he wanted you to do.

1308
00:50:16,167 --> 00:50:17,646
Of course I put him in a smack den.

1309
00:50:17,687 --> 00:50:19,280
Who wouldn't in my position?

1310
00:50:21,047 --> 00:50:22,640
Open bloody goal Tom!

1311
00:50:26,967 --> 00:50:28,924
So that was it, really,
as far as I was concerned.

1312
00:50:29,007 --> 00:50:30,759
I've done my post,
other people have commented

1313
00:50:30,967 --> 00:50:34,198
Point made. It was...
I felt an error in judgement, that was it.

1314
00:50:34,487 --> 00:50:35,966
Next day, I get a phone call.

1315
00:50:36,087 --> 00:50:37,885
It's from a friend of mine
who's a photographer.

1316
00:50:37,927 --> 00:50:39,600
He's photographed
the Olympic diving team

1317
00:50:39,687 --> 00:50:41,837
on a few occasions,
and he's also photographed me.

1318
00:50:41,967 --> 00:50:45,164
And he said, "Joe, you need to go on
Ross Haslam's Instagram".

1319
00:50:45,327 --> 00:50:47,159
Now, I didn't know who Ross Haslam was
at the time

1320
00:50:47,247 --> 00:50:49,887
He is another British diver
who went to Budapest

1321
00:50:49,967 --> 00:50:52,561
the day after Pride, with Tom Daley
for a competition.

1322
00:50:52,807 --> 00:50:53,922
And he posted a video.

1323
00:50:54,007 --> 00:50:56,726
The video you don't necessarily need to see,
I will show it to you.

1324
00:50:56,847 --> 00:50:59,407
It's a panoramic of Budapest.
It's done... weirdly.

1325
00:50:59,487 --> 00:51:01,364
It's a portrait thing,
but he's done it on landscape

1326
00:51:01,447 --> 00:51:02,960
which I don't understand. Also...

1327
00:51:03,247 --> 00:51:04,681
the sound in the background's
not great.

1328
00:51:04,767 --> 00:51:06,166
So I will play it to you twice.

1329
00:51:06,207 --> 00:51:09,040
But you can hear, in the background,
Tom Daley's voice

1330
00:51:09,407 --> 00:51:12,081
and I just want you to listen out for it.
Have a listen to this clearly now.

1331
00:51:12,327 --> 00:51:14,045
VOICE OF TOM DALEY:
Uh, of the whole...

1332
00:51:14,887 --> 00:51:17,686
uh, the Lycett situation.

1333
00:51:17,927 --> 00:51:20,316
Now, he might be saying
"the lighting situation”

1334
00:51:20,407 --> 00:51:23,604
but I think Tom Daley says
"the Lycett situation”.

1335
00:51:23,887 --> 00:51:25,321
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1336
00:51:25,447 --> 00:51:27,199
Have another listen,
just to double check.

1337
00:51:27,367 --> 00:51:31,759
VOICE OF TOM DALEY:
Uh, of the whole... uh, the Lycett situation.

1338
00:51:31,967 --> 00:51:33,640
Does that sound like "Lycett" to you?

1339
00:51:34,527 --> 00:51:35,676
I'm a situation.

1340
00:51:36,007 --> 00:51:37,236
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1341
00:51:37,607 --> 00:51:39,086
Not sure who he's talking to in that clip.

1342
00:51:39,167 --> 00:51:41,602
Presumably, the assassin
he's got to take me out!

1343
00:51:41,767 --> 00:51:42,916
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1344
00:51:43,047 --> 00:51:44,640
I like the Lycett situation.

1345
00:51:44,727 --> 00:51:47,196
I'm gonna write a book:
"The Lycett Situation." There's the cover.

1346
00:51:47,527 --> 00:51:48,756
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1347
00:51:55,367 --> 00:51:57,836
I thought, "This has got out of hand,
I'm a ‘situation', all of a sudden".

1348
00:51:57,927 --> 00:51:59,565
I didn't want to be a situation, I just...

1349
00:51:59,847 --> 00:52:01,599
It was a bit of light trolling,
and suddenly I'm a situation.

1350
00:52:01,727 --> 00:52:02,842
But the more I thought about it,
the more I thought

1351
00:52:02,927 --> 00:52:05,157
"Actually, in this regard,
I do want to be a ‘situation'

1352
00:52:05,247 --> 00:52:06,396
cos I care about this shit".

1353
00:52:06,487 --> 00:52:07,477
And I'll explain why.

1354
00:52:07,727 --> 00:52:10,003
Pride is an LGBTQ  event.

1355
00:52:10,127 --> 00:52:11,720
There's a lot of letters there, and often

1356
00:52:11,807 --> 00:52:13,957
Pride and its sponsors
only focus on the 'G' -

1357
00:52:14,047 --> 00:52:15,606
often gay men with six-packs.

1358
00:52:15,687 --> 00:52:17,837
But there's a lot of other letters there
that deserve our attention.

1359
00:52:17,967 --> 00:52:19,366
For example "T" for "Trans".

1360
00:52:19,487 --> 00:52:21,000
I've got a lot of trans friends at the minute

1361
00:52:21,047 --> 00:52:22,685
that feel really attacked,
feel really unsafe.

1362
00:52:22,847 --> 00:52:24,645
They feel really attacked
by the right-wing press.

1363
00:52:24,767 --> 00:52:26,838
They feel more attacked
by my mum's friend, Linda.

1364
00:52:27,447 --> 00:52:28,596
She... oh.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1365
00:52:29,887 --> 00:52:31,082
She's the sort of person who says

1366
00:52:31,207 --> 00:52:33,278
"A woman's place is in the home"

1367
00:52:33,407 --> 00:52:36,445
and then spends 90% of her time
in All Bar One.

1368
00:52:37,087 --> 00:52:38,202
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1369
00:52:39,047 --> 00:52:40,606
She's a basic bitch.

1370
00:52:40,847 --> 00:52:41,837
And she... um...

1371
00:52:43,407 --> 00:52:45,842
She said to me once, she said
"Trans people are unnatural"

1372
00:52:46,087 --> 00:52:50,638
whilst eating a punnet of seedless grapes
the irony of which did not pass me by!

1373
00:52:53,407 --> 00:52:55,000
She had a go at me for painting my nails.

1374
00:52:55,087 --> 00:52:56,805
I paint my nails now,
I do it for two reasons:

1375
00:52:56,887 --> 00:52:57,797
one, I like the colour.

1376
00:52:57,887 --> 00:53:00,197
Also, I bite my fingernails
because they're delicious.

1377
00:53:00,367 --> 00:53:02,677
And when I paint them,
it stops you from biting them.

1378
00:53:02,767 --> 00:53:03,996
It's the only thing
that seems to have worked.

1379
00:53:04,087 --> 00:53:05,919
And she said, "You shouldn't do that,
you shouldn't paint your nails".

1380
00:53:06,167 --> 00:53:07,726
And I said, "Why's that, Linda?"
and she said

1381
00:53:07,847 --> 00:53:10,885
"Well, it's an essential part
of being a woman isn't it, wearing make-up?"

1382
00:53:10,927 --> 00:53:13,806
So, I'm sorry, do you think your husband
Kevin's gonna see this, get confused

1383
00:53:13,887 --> 00:53:15,400
and try and fuck me? Is that the issue?

1384
00:53:15,487 --> 00:53:16,682
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1385
00:53:17,447 --> 00:53:19,757
Extraordinary, a little change like that,
the amount of comments you got.

1386
00:53:19,847 --> 00:53:20,917
Of course, I expected some

1387
00:53:21,007 --> 00:53:21,883
but not as many as I got.

1388
00:53:21,927 --> 00:53:24,123
I also wear this coat
in the winter months, ooh!

1389
00:53:24,207 --> 00:53:25,322
I' mean I...
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1390
00:53:25,407 --> 00:53:26,966
I want to fuck myself right now.

1391
00:53:27,047 --> 00:53:28,367
That is, um...
- SOMEONE WOLF WHISTLES

1392
00:53:28,407 --> 00:53:30,318
Thank you, yes it's, um...

1393
00:53:30,407 --> 00:53:31,477
Ooh err,

1394
00:53:31,567 --> 00:53:33,399
It's a faux fur. It's a faux fur.

1395
00:53:33,487 --> 00:53:35,398
I'm aware it's a ridiculous thing to put on.

1396
00:53:35,607 --> 00:53:37,245
But I didn't expect the amount of comments.

1397
00:53:37,327 --> 00:53:38,237
I expected some.

1398
00:53:38,327 --> 00:53:39,476
My favourite was in Liverpool.

1399
00:53:39,527 --> 00:53:41,598
I'd just done a gig
at the Slaughter House comedy club

1400
00:53:41,687 --> 00:53:43,166
which is a brilliant comedy club
in Liverpool.

1401
00:53:43,287 --> 00:53:44,436
I was walking back to the hotel.

1402
00:53:44,487 --> 00:53:46,364
A group of lads walked past me
and one of them went

1403
00:53:46,487 --> 00:53:48,000
IN SCOUSE ACCENT:
Hey mate, Pat Butcher called.

1404
00:53:48,087 --> 00:53:49,122
She wants her coat back.

1405
00:53:49,247 --> 00:53:50,442
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1406
00:53:50,927 --> 00:53:52,918
And I'm a comedian,
I deal with hecklers all the time.

1407
00:53:53,007 --> 00:53:55,283
So I went back with a really
witty response, I went

1408
00:53:55,567 --> 00:53:57,240
"Sh-sh-shut up, you stupid prick".

1409
00:53:57,327 --> 00:54:00,080
I was so pleased with it,
$0 smug, so in the moment.

1410
00:54:00,167 --> 00:54:01,157
Well done, Joe.

1411
00:54:01,247 --> 00:54:03,966
I think, what Linda, and what a lot of people
get confused about with

1412
00:54:04,047 --> 00:54:06,846
with trans people, is the difference
between sex and gender.

1413
00:54:06,927 --> 00:54:09,043
Sex is your XX, XY chromosome

1414
00:54:09,167 --> 00:54:10,965
that's what you're born with,
not lots you can do about it.

1415
00:54:11,087 --> 00:54:13,681
Gender is what is put on top
by society and culture.

1416
00:54:13,807 --> 00:54:15,878
All of the things we take for granted,
things like

1417
00:54:16,087 --> 00:54:19,000
women wear skirts and men ride horses
and punch dogs.

1418
00:54:19,087 --> 00:54:20,680
All of the things we take for granted.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1419
00:54:21,287 --> 00:54:23,563
And I understand that women
get the thick end of this wedge.

1420
00:54:23,647 --> 00:54:26,287
The narrow criteria in which women
are expected to dress and behave

1421
00:54:26,367 --> 00:54:27,402
is very restrictive.

1422
00:54:27,487 --> 00:54:30,047
This was made clear to me in a Whatsapp
group of lads that I'm in

1423
00:54:30,207 --> 00:54:31,561
in which this was posted recently.

1424
00:54:31,647 --> 00:54:32,876
IN MACHO VOICE:
This is "Build a Babe."

1425
00:54:33,087 --> 00:54:35,681
You have to construct a woman
out of these four categories.

1426
00:54:35,847 --> 00:54:38,680
INA MACHO VOICE:
The face, the boobs, the butt, the legs.

1427
00:54:38,807 --> 00:54:40,320
No, "the personality" or...

1428
00:54:40,447 --> 00:54:42,085
IN A MANIC VOICE:
"How much she reminds you of mother".

1429
00:54:42,167 --> 00:54:43,202
None of that!

1430
00:54:43,287 --> 00:54:44,163
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1431
00:54:44,247 --> 00:54:46,523
This was debated more than most wars!

1432
00:54:46,607 --> 00:54:48,439
They went with the girl second in,
I think.

1433
00:54:48,527 --> 00:54:50,882
The two girls on the far right
for the boobs and bum

1434
00:54:50,967 --> 00:54:52,401
and then the girl, second in on the legs.

1435
00:54:52,487 --> 00:54:54,683
I did a bit of photoshopping -
yeah, she's pretty fit.

1436
00:54:54,967 --> 00:54:57,880
I mean, not my type.
I'd change one thing and I'd be happy.

1437
00:54:57,967 --> 00:54:59,924
But each to their own.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1438
00:55:03,287 --> 00:55:04,561
It's quite daunting that size.

1439
00:55:06,327 --> 00:55:08,967
So, it's LGBTQ  if you're interested.

1440
00:55:09,047 --> 00:55:11,516
That's "Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Trans, Queer"

1441
00:55:11,567 --> 00:55:13,285
and then the "plus" is for
all of the other letters

1442
00:55:13,367 --> 00:55:15,597
and there can be as many letters
as there are people in the world.

1443
00:55:15,927 --> 00:55:18,237
Some of the more popular ones
are "a-sexual",

1444
00:55:18,527 --> 00:55:19,517
"Gender fluid".

1445
00:55:19,607 --> 00:55:21,325
That's where you don't see your gender
as a fixed thing

1446
00:55:21,407 --> 00:55:23,080
it can be different things
at different times.

1447
00:55:23,167 --> 00:55:25,044
I was explaining that to Peter
on one occasion and he was like

1448
00:55:25,207 --> 00:55:26,481
"Yeah, I know what gender fluid is but

1449
00:55:26,647 --> 00:55:27,762
the name ‘gender fluid'

1450
00:55:27,967 --> 00:55:29,480
you can imagine what it smells like".

1451
00:55:29,927 --> 00:55:30,962
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1452
00:55:31,407 --> 00:55:33,318
Fair enough.
"Gosh I had a heavy night".

1453
00:55:33,487 --> 00:55:35,922
"Was covered in gender fluid
in the morning, I was!"

1454
00:55:36,047 --> 00:55:37,117
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1455
00:55:37,167 --> 00:55:39,397
Uh, there's "I" for "intersex".
That doesn't mean

1456
00:55:39,487 --> 00:55:40,761
INA MACHO VOICE:
"Uh, yeah, I'm into sex".

1457
00:55:41,167 --> 00:55:43,317
I don't know what that is, that's like...

1458
00:55:43,407 --> 00:55:45,318
that's my intersex leg. Um...

1459
00:55:45,727 --> 00:55:48,480
There's "P" for "pansexual”,
which is how I now define myself.

1460
00:55:48,687 --> 00:55:50,678
It doesn't mean that I fuck things
in the kitchen

1461
00:55:50,727 --> 00:55:51,922
as Linda amusingly observed.

1462
00:55:52,247 --> 00:55:53,282
IN A MANIC VOICE:
"Non-stick surface?"

1463
00:55:53,367 --> 00:55:54,926
"Not when I'm around, Linda!"

1464
00:55:57,327 --> 00:55:59,079
"Pan" means different things
to different people.

1465
00:55:59,207 --> 00:56:00,800
To me, it's a form of bi-sexuality.

1466
00:56:00,887 --> 00:56:03,720
I acknowledge that gender plays
a role in why I'm attracted to people

1467
00:56:03,807 --> 00:56:05,366
but not necessarily the essential role.

1468
00:56:05,447 --> 00:56:07,518
There's all sorts of common threads
in our sexualities

1469
00:56:07,607 --> 00:56:09,086
that we wouldn't otherwise acknowledge.

1470
00:56:09,247 --> 00:56:11,238
You might only be attracted to blonde people.

1471
00:56:11,327 --> 00:56:14,080
But you wouldn't say you were "blond sexual"
but that would be a common thread.

1472
00:56:14,367 --> 00:56:16,165
I think the common thread in my sexuality is

1473
00:56:16,367 --> 00:56:17,516
everyone I'm attracted to

1474
00:56:17,727 --> 00:56:20,082
is not attracted to me.
That seems to be the common thread.

1475
00:56:20,167 --> 00:56:21,157
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1476
00:56:21,407 --> 00:56:23,921
Sometimes it not really about how they look
or their gender or anything.

1477
00:56:24,007 --> 00:56:25,839
It's sort of more to do with
how they hold themselves

1478
00:56:25,927 --> 00:56:27,998
or how they, sort of,
take control of a situation.

1479
00:56:28,087 --> 00:56:30,476
I explained this to Linda
in a very ham-fisted way.

1480
00:56:30,687 --> 00:56:33,406
I was in Moseley post office,
in Birmingham, if you know Birmingham.

1481
00:56:33,607 --> 00:56:36,167
There's two tills.
There's one here, there's one here.

1482
00:56:36,287 --> 00:56:40,724
On this till was a very young, very loud,
very attractive, young, effervescent girl.

1483
00:56:40,807 --> 00:56:44,163
She was wearing a Cath Kidston coat,
she was going off like a human Berocca.

1484
00:56:44,247 --> 00:56:45,726
She was annoying! She sort of...

1485
00:56:45,807 --> 00:56:48,367
The sort of girl who as "live, laugh, love"
written in her living room

1486
00:56:48,527 --> 00:56:50,404
but has also been done for GBH.
Do you know what? She's...

1487
00:56:50,687 --> 00:56:52,724
an annoying person here.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1488
00:56:54,407 --> 00:56:57,286
And then here was
a really elderly, octogenarian

1489
00:56:57,367 --> 00:56:58,766
crunched-over old woman

1490
00:56:58,847 --> 00:57:01,441
quite poor-looking, sort of Mary Berry
if she didn't have money.

1491
00:57:01,527 --> 00:57:03,484
Just sort of crunched over like that
and she was going...

1492
00:57:03,567 --> 00:57:05,444
“I'm... I'm sorry I can't hear you".

1493
00:57:05,527 --> 00:57:07,757
She kept saying that,
"I'm sorry, I can't hear you".

1494
00:57:07,807 --> 00:57:08,763
And in the end she went

1495
00:57:08,847 --> 00:57:09,996
"I can't hear you...

1496
00:57:10,287 --> 00:57:11,607
HE SHOUTS:
...because you're shrieking!"

1497
00:57:13,047 --> 00:57:14,799
And I said to Linda, I said
"I don't know what it was

1498
00:57:14,847 --> 00:57:17,282
but in that moment,
the way she took control of that situation

1499
00:57:17,367 --> 00:57:19,165
the way she extinguished
all of this woman's joy

1500
00:57:19,207 --> 00:57:20,481
the way everyone was looking at her

1501
00:57:20,567 --> 00:57:22,524
I thought she was so attractive,
$0 beautiful.

1502
00:57:22,727 --> 00:57:24,365
Obviously, I wouldn't do anything
about it.

1503
00:57:24,447 --> 00:57:26,120
And Linda was like,
"Oh, what, are you ageist?"

1504
00:57:26,247 --> 00:57:28,602
I was like, "No I wouldn't do anything
about it cos she's poor!

1505
00:57:28,727 --> 00:57:30,877
But the point is...
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1506
00:57:31,567 --> 00:57:34,081
There's all sorts of new identities
flying around at the minute.

1507
00:57:34,167 --> 00:57:36,556
New ways to describe yourself,
and I think that's wonderful.

1508
00:57:36,647 --> 00:57:38,399
But you've got two options
when you encounter someone

1509
00:57:38,487 --> 00:57:40,205
with an identity
that you're not familiar with.

1510
00:57:40,367 --> 00:57:43,007
You can be fearful of them,
frightened, take the piss out of them

1511
00:57:43,207 --> 00:57:46,006
or be fascinated, ask them loads
of questions, be curious.

1512
00:57:46,087 --> 00:57:48,647
Kinda like when [ first saw a platypus.
I think they're amazing.

1513
00:57:48,727 --> 00:57:51,003
They're mammals they lay eggs,
what the fuck are they?

1514
00:57:51,087 --> 00:57:53,556
The first platypus that scientists found...

1515
00:57:53,887 --> 00:57:56,481
They found a dead one.
They did some scientific tests.

1516
00:57:56,527 --> 00:57:58,404
Their conclusion: it's a fake.

1517
00:57:58,527 --> 00:58:01,485
They thought that someone
had sewn together a duck and an otter.

1518
00:58:02,607 --> 00:58:04,757
Begs the question:
who did they think was doing this?

1519
00:58:04,887 --> 00:58:07,003
"Oh, that's Martin.
He loves doing that, Martin".

1520
00:58:07,327 --> 00:58:09,603
"Other day he brought this in,
said it was a porpoise -

1521
00:58:09,687 --> 00:58:11,405
obviously a dolphin and a bell end".

1522
00:58:11,487 --> 00:58:13,080
"Classic Martin, that".
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1523
00:58:18,127 --> 00:58:20,084
So by Pride only sponsoring
one of the letters

1524
00:58:20,127 --> 00:58:21,481
and ignoring the other letters

1525
00:58:21,567 --> 00:58:23,399
I felt like they'd done
a disservice to the community

1526
00:58:23,487 --> 00:58:24,602
so I wrote them a letter.

1527
00:58:27,727 --> 00:58:28,762
"Dear Barclays

1528
00:58:28,887 --> 00:58:31,037
You probably know why I'm writing,
you bitch".

1529
00:58:31,167 --> 00:58:32,521
AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CLAPS

1530
00:58:38,527 --> 00:58:41,758
"You sponsored Tom Daley to go to Pride,
daft bastard".

1531
00:58:41,847 --> 00:58:43,121
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1532
00:58:46,847 --> 00:58:48,918
"Actually it's great
that you're sponsoring Pride.

1533
00:58:49,007 --> 00:58:51,123
Pride is an LGBTQ  event.

1534
00:58:51,247 --> 00:58:53,363
It's about celebrating all of those letters

1535
00:58:53,447 --> 00:58:55,802
and all the different types
of identity that they represent.

1536
00:58:56,167 --> 00:58:57,805
It's about people who are into kinky stuff.

1537
00:58:58,007 --> 00:58:58,917
It's about some stuff

1538
00:58:58,967 --> 00:59:00,321
that a lot of the people
who work in your bank

1539
00:59:00,407 --> 00:59:01,556
would find really weird.

1540
00:59:01,807 --> 00:59:04,447
It's not just about
a particularly attractive gay diver

1541
00:59:04,527 --> 00:59:07,167
who you can use to improve
the perception of your brand.

1542
00:59:07,487 --> 00:59:09,558
So I'm writing to ask if you'll sponsor me.

1543
00:59:09,887 --> 00:59:12,800
Not to go to Pride, but to one
of the less air-brushed events.

1544
00:59:13,007 --> 00:59:15,840
I want you to sponsor me
and my friend Paul Chuckle

1545
00:59:16,007 --> 00:59:18,647
to go to the Folsom Fetish Festival
in Berlin,

1546
00:59:19,527 --> 00:59:21,484
It's a festival for people
who are into leather

1547
00:59:21,567 --> 00:59:23,558
and being tied up and wearing costumes.

1548
00:59:23,647 --> 00:59:27,083
I went a couple of years ago
and nearly got wanked off by a unicorn".

1549
00:59:27,327 --> 00:59:28,317
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1550
00:59:28,527 --> 00:59:30,643
"I've mocked up a sample Instagram post.

1551
00:59:30,727 --> 00:59:32,604
Naturally, the real thing
will look much worse.

1552
00:59:32,687 --> 00:59:34,519
Bob's your uncle, Joe Lycett".

1553
00:59:35,887 --> 00:59:38,561
Now...
- AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

1554
00:59:38,727 --> 00:59:39,717
Bless you.

1555
00:59:39,807 --> 00:59:43,926
That... That pasty photo came in handy
as you can see. Very useful there.

1556
00:59:45,287 --> 00:59:46,880
Not had a reply from Barclays.

1557
00:59:46,967 --> 00:59:49,720
Um, I did send them another thing.
I sent them a painting I did of Tom Daley.

1558
00:59:49,807 --> 00:59:50,638
I'm not thrilled with it

1559
00:59:50,687 --> 00:59:52,246
because I don't think
it looks like Tom Daley.

1560
00:59:52,327 --> 00:59:54,159
But I fucking nailed that hand, didn't I?

1561
00:59:54,447 --> 00:59:56,404
AUDIENCE LAUGH

1562
01:00:03,887 --> 01:00:06,322
Just out of curiosity,
you don't have to cheer if you don't want to.

1563
01:00:06,447 --> 01:00:10,406
Um, but give me a cheer if you consider
yourself part of the LGBTQ  community.

1564
01:00:11,127 --> 01:00:12,959
AUDIENCE CHEERS LOUDLY
- Oh, cool.

1565
01:00:13,447 --> 01:00:14,562
Welcome.
- WOMAN: Yeah!

1566
01:00:15,607 --> 01:00:17,359
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- The rest of you should leave.

1567
01:00:18,207 --> 01:00:20,198
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- Bless you, thanks for coming.

1568
01:00:21,047 --> 01:00:23,687
Lets talk about another bank
that I'm in trouble with.

1569
01:00:24,247 --> 01:00:25,282
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1570
01:00:25,327 --> 01:00:26,920
I'm actually in proper trouble
with this bank.

1571
01:00:27,007 --> 01:00:28,725
This is the Royal Bank of Scotland.

1572
01:00:29,807 --> 01:00:32,196
I'm in... Right, so Peter worked

1573
01:00:32,407 --> 01:00:36,719
not for RBS, he worked in an RBS building
in Pigeon Park in Birmingham, if you know it.

1574
01:00:36,767 --> 01:00:38,804
He was working in an office space
in this building.

1575
01:00:38,887 --> 01:00:41,925
And um... I went into that office with him
last summer.

1576
01:00:42,167 --> 01:00:44,841
And, as a result of that,
he had to write a letter of apology

1577
01:00:44,927 --> 01:00:46,918
to the manager of the building
a few days later.

1578
01:00:47,207 --> 01:00:48,686
And I'll just read to you that letter,

1579
01:00:48,927 --> 01:00:50,281
He wrote: "Dear Sir

1580
01:00:50,687 --> 01:00:52,883
I am writing to explain the incident
in your office

1581
01:00:52,967 --> 01:00:56,119
and offer my sincere apologies
for any involvement on my part.

1582
01:00:56,407 --> 01:00:57,727
I invited a guest to the building

1583
01:00:57,767 --> 01:00:59,485
to show them a project
we had been working on

1584
01:00:59,647 --> 01:01:01,081
and benefit from his expertise".

1585
01:01:01,327 --> 01:01:02,556
What had actually happened was

1586
01:01:02,767 --> 01:01:05,486
we were on the piss
and he had a bottle of wine under his desk.

1587
01:01:05,567 --> 01:01:06,921
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1588
01:01:07,207 --> 01:01:10,165
"At security he was asked to enter his name
for a guest pass.

1589
01:01:10,327 --> 01:01:11,397
I did not see what he typed

1590
01:01:11,447 --> 01:01:13,643
because I was dealing with some emails
on my phone."

1591
01:01:13,967 --> 01:01:16,402
Uh, they get you to type in your name
on a fancy touch screen

1592
01:01:16,447 --> 01:01:17,881
as you go into the RBS building.

1593
01:01:18,007 --> 01:01:19,645
I didn't want to do that, I was feeling silly

1594
01:01:19,727 --> 01:01:22,606
so what I did is I just typed in
the first two words that came to mind.

1595
01:01:22,727 --> 01:01:24,764
Which happened to be "rhubarb bikini".

1596
01:01:24,847 --> 01:01:26,679
I don't know why.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1597
01:01:27,927 --> 01:01:30,680
"There was a short discussion
between my guest and the security guard".

1598
01:01:30,927 --> 01:01:32,838
This is where the security guard
quite rightly said

1599
01:01:32,967 --> 01:01:34,321
"What's that?" and I said

1600
01:01:34,527 --> 01:01:35,961
"It's pronounced 'Ryan'..."

1601
01:01:36,847 --> 01:01:38,121
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1602
01:01:41,727 --> 01:01:43,525
And he said, "It's spelt 'rhubarb'..."

1603
01:01:43,647 --> 01:01:45,479
and I said, "Yes, it's Irish".

1604
01:01:45,887 --> 01:01:47,639
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1605
01:01:51,247 --> 01:01:54,603
"Then a pass was printed and we were allowed
into the building". Here is that pass.

1606
01:01:55,207 --> 01:01:56,880
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1607
01:01:59,527 --> 01:02:02,121
"Subsequently an image of the pass
appeared on social media".

1608
01:02:02,207 --> 01:02:03,925
I put that on Instagram with the caption

1609
01:02:04,007 --> 01:02:07,238
"Someone broke into RBS with
the pseudonym, Rhubarb Bikini".

1610
01:02:08,287 --> 01:02:10,358
"The minute I discovered this,
I asked for the image to be removed

1611
01:02:10,447 --> 01:02:11,482
but I appreciate by that point

1612
01:02:11,527 --> 01:02:13,438
damage had been done
to the reputation of the business".

1613
01:02:13,647 --> 01:02:15,160
It got about 10,000 likes.

1614
01:02:15,447 --> 01:02:18,405
"I offer a full and sincere apology
for this, regards, Peter".

1615
01:02:18,647 --> 01:02:21,366
He was taken in for a disciplinary
a few days after we did this.

1616
01:02:21,487 --> 01:02:23,205
They slid this pass over to him and said

1617
01:02:23,407 --> 01:02:24,636
"Do you know this man?"

1618
01:02:24,727 --> 01:02:26,240
I just love the idea of him going

1619
01:02:26,527 --> 01:02:27,847
IN ASILLY VOICE:
"That's Rhubarb Bikini!"

1620
01:02:28,247 --> 01:02:29,442
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1621
01:02:32,847 --> 01:02:35,157
A few weeks later, I received this letter
to my home address

1622
01:02:35,287 --> 01:02:37,403
in the name of Colonel Rhubarb Bikini.

1623
01:02:37,527 --> 01:02:39,086
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1624
01:02:40,927 --> 01:02:43,316
Full disclosure, that's because
I have opened an account with RBS

1625
01:02:43,407 --> 01:02:44,681
in the name of Rhubarb Bikini.

1626
01:02:44,767 --> 01:02:45,916
Here's me opening the account.

1627
01:02:46,007 --> 01:02:47,566
Colonel, I went with Colonel
because I thought that was funny.

1628
01:02:47,727 --> 01:02:49,081
Are you known by any other name?

1629
01:02:49,247 --> 01:02:50,567
N0000000000.

1630
01:02:51,247 --> 01:02:54,160
Born in North Korea, living with parents.
He's lived a life!

1631
01:02:54,647 --> 01:02:56,046
He's lived a life, old Rhubarb.

1632
01:02:58,767 --> 01:03:01,998
They ask you to fill out a form
when you've opened an RBS account

1633
01:03:02,167 --> 01:03:03,362
to say, "Is the anything else
that would have made

1634
01:03:03,447 --> 01:03:05,245
your application experience better, today?"

1635
01:03:05,407 --> 01:03:07,239
I've thought about that long and hard,
and I put "Yeah..."

1636
01:03:07,487 --> 01:03:09,524
"A hand job would have done it, actually".

1637
01:03:09,727 --> 01:03:12,480
A little hand job
would have taken the edge off, really.

1638
01:03:20,447 --> 01:03:22,245
He rang me, he said
"Joe, we're in a lot of trouble".

1639
01:03:22,367 --> 01:03:23,960
I was like, "What do you mean?"

1640
01:03:24,007 --> 01:03:25,839
He said
"I've just had this disciplinary".

1641
01:03:25,887 --> 01:03:27,958
"I've been banned from the office
for two months",

1642
01:03:28,247 --> 01:03:31,205
And I said, "I'm so..." I was really shocked,
"I'm so sorry, what an overreaction".

1643
01:03:31,287 --> 01:03:32,607
"Like, it's just a silly joke".

1644
01:03:32,927 --> 01:03:33,997
And he said, "Oh, I don't really mind".

1645
01:03:34,087 --> 01:03:36,078
"I don't like working there
s0 I'm happy to have the time off".

1646
01:03:36,447 --> 01:03:37,801
And he said, "You're in proper trouble".

1647
01:03:37,887 --> 01:03:39,116
I was like, "What do you mean?"

1648
01:03:39,207 --> 01:03:42,757
And he said "Well, because you said ‘someone'
broke into RBS on the Instagram post

1649
01:03:42,847 --> 01:03:44,804
they can't pin it on you,
the picture's quite blurry.

1650
01:03:44,887 --> 01:03:48,278
So they're going back through all the CCTV
footage to see what we did in there.

1651
01:03:48,407 --> 01:03:51,320
We were in there for eight minutes,
apparently, we were giggling in the lift.

1652
01:03:51,727 --> 01:03:53,001
Um, I can believe it.

1653
01:03:53,167 --> 01:03:54,805
He said they're going back through
all your social media

1654
01:03:54,887 --> 01:03:56,446
to see if you are a threat
to the business.

1655
01:03:56,527 --> 01:03:59,201
If you've done something like this before,
whether you're likely to do it again.

1656
01:03:59,407 --> 01:04:00,920
I was like, "What do you mean,
they're going through all my social media?"

1657
01:04:01,007 --> 01:04:02,520
He's like, "Your Instagram,
your Twitter, everything

1658
01:04:02,567 --> 01:04:03,682
they're going through everything".

1659
01:04:03,727 --> 01:04:06,037
And I thought, "Oh my God,
they're going through everything, so..."

1660
01:04:06,487 --> 01:04:09,605
They will have seen that picture of me
pretending to be a vomiting cat.

1661
01:04:10,007 --> 01:04:11,998
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1662
01:04:19,127 --> 01:04:21,926
They would have seen that picture of an egg
that I put Iggy Azalea's face on

1663
01:04:22,007 --> 01:04:23,918
and called it "Eggy Azalea".
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1664
01:04:25,167 --> 01:04:26,760
God, they will have seen that tweet
which I did

1665
01:04:26,847 --> 01:04:29,123
which was
"I like my sex like I like my Brexit -

1666
01:04:29,287 --> 01:04:31,119
hard and overseen by Theresa May".

1667
01:04:31,207 --> 01:04:32,641
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1668
01:04:32,767 --> 01:04:35,361
God, they will have seen all the times
I dressed up as Theresa May

1669
01:04:35,447 --> 01:04:37,279
using things that were just near by.

1670
01:04:37,687 --> 01:04:40,406
I've done loads of these,
she's a style icon, this woman.

1671
01:04:40,687 --> 01:04:42,041
She's a style icon.

1672
01:04:42,327 --> 01:04:43,522
Right...

1673
01:04:44,207 --> 01:04:45,880
Take this one, and this is the original.

1674
01:04:45,967 --> 01:04:48,083
An extraordinary photo in its own right.

1675
01:04:48,247 --> 01:04:49,396
This is my version.

1676
01:04:49,607 --> 01:04:52,486
Right, the neck is a chorizo.

1677
01:04:52,607 --> 01:04:54,723
The woman's face is a sculpture that I made.

1678
01:04:54,927 --> 01:04:56,645
The earing is a courgette.

1679
01:04:56,967 --> 01:04:59,402
Strong work from Joe Lycett
all round. I said...

1680
01:04:59,607 --> 01:05:02,804
"Oh my God, they will have seen
that sign that I posted" which reads

1681
01:05:02,967 --> 01:05:06,039
"This seating area is for customers
of Costa Coffee only."

1682
01:05:06,327 --> 01:05:08,398
Which I sent direct to Costa Coffee
with the caption

1683
01:05:08,567 --> 01:05:12,276
"Just sat here and drank a cafe nero
and there's shit all you can do about it".

1684
01:05:12,367 --> 01:05:13,357
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1685
01:05:16,447 --> 01:05:18,358
I said, "Oh, my God,
they will have seen that time

1686
01:05:18,407 --> 01:05:19,806
when I was on the Lorraine Kelly show

1687
01:05:19,887 --> 01:05:21,560
and gave Lorraine a quiche Lorraine".

1688
01:05:21,687 --> 01:05:23,325
She was very confused.

1689
01:05:25,767 --> 01:05:28,805
I said, "Oh my God, they will have seen
those tweets which I did" which started with...

1690
01:05:29,007 --> 01:05:30,156
"I love The Saturdays".

1691
01:05:30,207 --> 01:05:34,599
"Hard to choose my favourite,
but I'd probably say 17th May, 2003".

1692
01:05:34,967 --> 01:05:35,957
Which I followed up with

1693
01:05:36,047 --> 01:05:37,082
"I love One Direction".

1694
01:05:37,127 --> 01:05:39,687
"Hard to choose a favourite
but I'd probably say 'left'..."

1695
01:05:39,847 --> 01:05:41,201
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1696
01:05:41,407 --> 01:05:43,603
I said, "Oh, my God, they will have seen
that picture of Jeremy Corbyn

1697
01:05:43,687 --> 01:05:45,166
that I put on a bin in my car

1698
01:05:45,247 --> 01:05:46,965
and called it "Jeremy Car-bin'..."

1699
01:05:47,167 --> 01:05:48,919
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1700
01:05:49,367 --> 01:05:51,278
They will have seen that tweet
which I did, which was

1701
01:05:51,327 --> 01:05:53,079
"I like my women how I like my coffee".

1702
01:05:53,247 --> 01:05:54,760
"Nowhere near my penis".

1703
01:05:54,967 --> 01:05:56,321
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1704
01:05:57,327 --> 01:06:00,001
And I suppose, if they're looking
into the future they're about to see

1705
01:06:00,087 --> 01:06:02,397
a painting I'm gonna do of the man
that runs your building.

1706
01:06:02,487 --> 01:06:04,683
Cos I've done some googling,
and I know what he looks like.

1707
01:06:04,727 --> 01:06:06,843
And it's just him in the office saying "No".

1708
01:06:07,087 --> 01:06:09,442
“I'm Rhubarb Bikini",
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1709
01:06:10,047 --> 01:06:11,879
You have been an extraordinary audience.

1710
01:06:12,927 --> 01:06:14,759
AUDIENCE SHOUT AND CHEER

1711
01:06:31,407 --> 01:06:32,317
OK.

1712
01:06:34,287 --> 01:06:35,402
Right, I'm...

1713
01:06:36,007 --> 01:06:38,681
So, I obviously wasn't done with RBS,
of course I wasn't.

1714
01:06:39,367 --> 01:06:42,120
I felt like what they'd done
was an attack on fun...

1715
01:06:42,207 --> 01:06:43,606
and on silliness

1716
01:06:43,647 --> 01:06:44,842
I felt like, um...

1717
01:06:45,327 --> 01:06:49,002
There are people that work in that building
that want to be daft and silly

1718
01:06:49,087 --> 01:06:51,522
at points in their lives
and they have to extinguish that desire

1719
01:06:51,607 --> 01:06:54,838
in the name of security and corporate rules
and I felt that was sad.

1720
01:06:55,087 --> 01:06:57,920
So I got the email address of the man
that runs the building

1721
01:06:58,047 --> 01:07:00,960
from Peter, and I set up
a Rhubarb Bikini email account

1722
01:07:01,047 --> 01:07:02,321
and I sent him an email.

1723
01:07:05,447 --> 01:07:07,120
It read, "To the Manager".

1724
01:07:07,927 --> 01:07:09,565
"I am Rhubarb Bikini..."

1725
01:07:09,807 --> 01:07:10,877
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1726
01:07:11,247 --> 01:07:13,045
"And I gather you are looking for me.

1727
01:07:13,487 --> 01:07:16,684
You have been led to believe
that I am the comedian, Joe Lycett

1728
01:07:17,167 --> 01:07:18,680
but this is not accurate.

1729
01:07:19,047 --> 01:07:22,165
For I am at once,
all things and no things..."

1730
01:07:22,567 --> 01:07:25,286
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
-" am a whisper in a dream.

1731
01:07:26,367 --> 01:07:29,405
I am a homeless man in search
of a manual for a Fiat Punto..."

1732
01:07:29,647 --> 01:07:31,001
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1733
01:07:31,487 --> 01:07:33,319
"I am Tom Daley's missing finger..."

1734
01:07:33,527 --> 01:07:36,087
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- "I am a lightbulb in my kitchen.

1735
01:07:36,407 --> 01:07:38,159
I am a glory hole in a glass door..."

1736
01:07:38,247 --> 01:07:39,567
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1737
01:07:40,047 --> 01:07:42,766
“l am a seller of adult DVDs..."

1738
01:07:42,847 --> 01:07:44,679
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1739
01:07:46,567 --> 01:07:48,001
"I am a master painter".

1740
01:07:50,327 --> 01:07:51,965
“l am an online troll".

1741
01:07:53,567 --> 01:07:54,762
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1742
01:07:54,847 --> 01:07:57,123
"And I am Children's TV entertainer,
Paul Chuckle".

1743
01:07:57,487 --> 01:07:59,364
Right.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1744
01:08:04,567 --> 01:08:06,160
Good old Paul.

1745
01:08:06,527 --> 01:08:09,360
I asked for one of these,
he sent dozens!

1746
01:08:09,447 --> 01:08:10,801
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1747
01:08:17,207 --> 01:08:19,244
"I am all the colours in the rainbow.

1748
01:08:19,327 --> 01:08:20,681
I am near and I am far,

1749
01:08:20,847 --> 01:08:23,487
I'm everyone you'll ever know,
I am each pound in the jar.

1750
01:08:23,727 --> 01:08:24,956
You can never stop me

1751
01:08:25,047 --> 01:08:26,321
for I will always be.

1752
01:08:26,447 --> 01:08:29,360
Your staff will never show you,
$0 you will never see.

1753
01:08:29,647 --> 01:08:33,003
But in each of them is nonsense,
I know this to be true.

1754
01:08:33,287 --> 01:08:34,846
So all your staff are Rhubarb

1755
01:08:35,207 --> 01:08:37,039
and Rhubarb Bikini is you".

1756
01:08:37,607 --> 01:08:40,167
I also put "P.S. I'm also Alexa".

1757
01:08:40,607 --> 01:08:42,006
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1758
01:08:42,487 --> 01:08:43,522
VOICE OF ALEXA:
I'm Rhubarb Bikini

1759
01:08:43,607 --> 01:08:45,200
and you should suck a dog's cock.

1760
01:08:45,607 --> 01:08:47,086
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- Thank you so much for coming to my show.

1761
01:08:47,207 --> 01:08:50,006
Have a great rest of your weekend and lives,
thank you so much.

1762
01:08:51,127 --> 01:08:52,720
AUDIENCE CHEER AND WHISTLE

1763
01:09:12,607 --> 01:09:13,881
Bless you guys.

1764
01:09:15,247 --> 01:09:16,157
It's so lovely.

1765
01:09:16,727 --> 01:09:19,685
Lovely. Thank you, this has been...
Yeah, as I say, lovely.

1766
01:09:19,767 --> 01:09:21,804
Any questions, any queries, any concerns?

1767
01:09:21,887 --> 01:09:24,197
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- Anything I can help anyone else with?

1768
01:09:25,767 --> 01:09:27,360
No, OK, right, I'll fuck off then.

1769
01:09:27,407 --> 01:09:29,000
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- You've been so lovely.

1770
01:09:29,127 --> 01:09:32,677
Um, you know what? I'd like to slag off
the Black Country before I go.

1771
01:09:33,327 --> 01:09:34,397
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1772
01:09:34,767 --> 01:09:36,087
Anyone in from the Black Country?

1773
01:09:36,247 --> 01:09:37,681
AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEER

1774
01:09:37,847 --> 01:09:40,123
Which part? Where are you from?
- WOMAN: Wolverhampton.

1775
01:09:40,207 --> 01:09:41,959
IN BLACK COUNTRY ACCENT:
Wolverhampton, alright.

1776
01:09:42,607 --> 01:09:43,927
How are you, bab?

1777
01:09:44,007 --> 01:09:45,964
That's how they talk, if you don't know
the Black Country, they talk like...

1778
01:09:46,127 --> 01:09:48,880
They talk like that,
"I got no neck and no future".

1779
01:09:48,927 --> 01:09:50,122
I love it.

1780
01:09:52,807 --> 01:09:54,081
Have you travelled from Wolverhampton?

1781
01:09:54,407 --> 01:09:55,806
WOMAN:
No, I live in London now.

1782
01:09:56,007 --> 01:09:57,680
IN BLACK COUNTRY ACCENT:
I live in London now.

1783
01:09:57,807 --> 01:10:00,276
I love it. I really find it pleasing
to hear the accent.

1784
01:10:00,527 --> 01:10:02,962
Have you been to the Ikea in Wednesbury?

1785
01:10:03,487 --> 01:10:06,798
WOMAN:
I have, but I've never purchased anything.

1786
01:10:07,207 --> 01:10:08,083
Right, why?

1787
01:10:08,207 --> 01:10:10,642
Because it's too stressful
when you get to the checkouts.

1788
01:10:10,767 --> 01:10:12,280
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1789
01:10:12,367 --> 01:10:14,597
Itis stressful when you get
to the checkout, I agree.

1790
01:10:14,767 --> 01:10:17,725
Well, it's stressful in that one because
its full of people from the Black Country

1791
01:10:17,807 --> 01:10:18,797
and they're all mad-heads.

1792
01:10:19,487 --> 01:10:22,957
You see, I was in the kitchen area
when I went round

1793
01:10:23,087 --> 01:10:25,886
and there was a family walking round
and the dad of the family

1794
01:10:26,007 --> 01:10:28,044
said this very loudly,
because I wasn't that nearby

1795
01:10:28,087 --> 01:10:29,441
and I heard it very clearly.
He went

1796
01:10:29,727 --> 01:10:32,685
"Look at that chopping board
I couldn't chop my cock on that!"

1797
01:10:32,727 --> 01:10:34,126
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1798
01:10:35,247 --> 01:10:37,602
Is that a requirement of a chopping board
that I've missed?

1799
01:10:40,607 --> 01:10:42,484
Bless you, well thanks for coming along.

1800
01:10:43,367 --> 01:10:45,278
I did... This is the thing, I slag off
the Black Country loads

1801
01:10:45,447 --> 01:10:47,518
but it's because I love it
and I've got loads of friends there.

1802
01:10:47,567 --> 01:10:48,398
I spend a lot of time there.

1803
01:10:48,527 --> 01:10:50,677
I went on a speed awareness course
in the Black Country.

1804
01:10:50,767 --> 01:10:52,360
Have people been
on speed awareness courses?

1805
01:10:52,607 --> 01:10:54,325
AUDIENCE WHOOPS
- Yes, some other bad boys.

1806
01:10:54,527 --> 01:10:57,041
Um, I thought it was really effective.

1807
01:10:57,127 --> 01:10:58,879
But my favourite thing about it
is this woman at the back

1808
01:10:58,967 --> 01:11:00,719
who just did not give a shit.

1809
01:11:00,927 --> 01:11:02,600
She's like my new spitit animal,
she was just there, like

1810
01:11:02,687 --> 01:11:03,643
IN BLACK COUNTRY ACCENT:
"Alright?"

1811
01:11:03,687 --> 01:11:05,758
And the guy came out
and he was proper patronising, like

1812
01:11:05,807 --> 01:11:08,037
"Guys, guys, just shout out reasons,
why do we speed?

1813
01:11:08,127 --> 01:11:09,640
Why do we speed?" And she went

1814
01:11:09,727 --> 01:11:11,559
IN BLACK COUNTRY ACCENT:
"Cos I'm in a rush",

1815
01:11:11,647 --> 01:11:12,967
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1816
01:11:13,527 --> 01:11:15,803
And he went, "Good, good,
you're in a rush, great, great".

1817
01:11:15,887 --> 01:11:17,366
"Why do we rush, why do we rush,
why do we rush?"

1818
01:11:17,647 --> 01:11:19,604
IN BLACK COUNTRY ACCENT:
"Cos I need a piss".

1819
01:11:19,687 --> 01:11:20,916
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1820
01:11:21,767 --> 01:11:24,520
He realised very quickly,
he did not want to be talking to her.

1821
01:11:24,607 --> 01:11:26,041
He was trying to get anyone else
to chip in.

1822
01:11:26,207 --> 01:11:28,562
At one point he forced
this quite meek guy at the front

1823
01:11:28,647 --> 01:11:29,967
to chip in. It was really sweet. He said

1824
01:11:30,127 --> 01:11:31,561
"You've got two options, haven't you?
You've got two options".

1825
01:11:31,647 --> 01:11:34,036
"You can go by the speed limit
or you can go to jail".

1826
01:11:34,127 --> 01:11:35,162
"Do you want to go to jail?"

1827
01:11:35,287 --> 01:11:37,164
He hadn't been listening,
he just went "Yes".

1828
01:11:37,207 --> 01:11:38,527
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1829
01:11:41,127 --> 01:11:44,916
"Any reasons why it's justifiable to speed?
Why we might be OK to speed?". She went

1830
01:11:45,007 --> 01:11:46,327
IN BLACK COUNTRY ACCENT:
"Well, if it's an emergency".

1831
01:11:46,447 --> 01:11:47,642
"If you've got to take someone to hospital".

1832
01:11:47,927 --> 01:11:50,237
He went, "No, that's not a reason is it?
It's not a reason".

1833
01:11:50,367 --> 01:11:52,961
"You've still got to be safe, haven't you?
Still got to be safe",

1834
01:11:53,087 --> 01:11:54,964
"If you hit someone on the way to hospital

1835
01:11:55,087 --> 01:11:57,158
that's two people going to hospital
isn't it?", she went

1836
01:11:57,247 --> 01:11:58,317
IN BLACK COUNTRY ACCENT:
"That's lucky I'm going that way".

1837
01:11:58,407 --> 01:12:00,045
"I'll give 'em a lift",
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1838
01:12:02,927 --> 01:12:04,076
That's lovely, that is.

1839
01:12:08,087 --> 01:12:09,646
Favourite thing she said,
I'll leave you on this.

1840
01:12:09,727 --> 01:12:11,320
It was terrible, but it was brilliant.

1841
01:12:11,407 --> 01:12:12,477
He said at the end of the session,
he was like

1842
01:12:12,567 --> 01:12:15,207
"Any other reasons why we speed,
that we've not covered? Any other reasons?"

1843
01:12:15,287 --> 01:12:16,925
No one chipping in. I wasn't chipping in.

1844
01:12:17,047 --> 01:12:18,082
In the end, she just went

1845
01:12:18,247 --> 01:12:20,124
IN BLACK COUNTRY ACCENT:
"Well, cos it's fun!"

1846
01:12:20,207 --> 01:12:21,163
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1847
01:12:21,447 --> 01:12:22,926
And he went, "Yeah".

1848
01:12:23,087 --> 01:12:25,522
"Yeah, it's fun isn't it, it's fun to speed".

1849
01:12:25,647 --> 01:12:26,762
"Do you know when it's not fun?"

1850
01:12:26,967 --> 01:12:28,241
"When you kill a child",

1851
01:12:28,607 --> 01:12:29,597
AUDIENCE LAUGHS

1852
01:12:29,687 --> 01:12:31,166
Everyone went quiet,
and then she just went

1853
01:12:31,767 --> 01:12:33,087
IN BLACK COUNTRY ACCENT:
"Depends on the child".

1854
01:12:33,207 --> 01:12:35,164
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
- Love. Her.

1855
01:12:35,527 --> 01:12:37,006
You've been amazing, wow.

1856
01:12:37,087 --> 01:12:39,203
Thanks so much.
See you again, ta-ra.

1857
01:12:39,327 --> 01:12:42,080
AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

1858
01:12:58,047 --> 01:12:59,799
MUSIC: "Twins"
by Benjamin PD Kane.

1859
01:12:59,847 --> 01:13:00,837


1860
01:13:01,167 --> 01:13:03,841


1861
01:13:04,447 --> 01:13:07,963

cos they're runnin' out of room

1862
01:13:09,087 --> 01:13:11,840


1863
01:13:12,367 --> 01:13:15,997

cos they're runnin' out of room

1864
01:13:17,087 --> 01:13:20,125


1865
01:13:20,927 --> 01:13:24,363


1866
01:13:24,967 --> 01:13:28,039


1867
01:13:28,887 --> 01:13:32,278

their faces fill with pride

1868
01:13:33,167 --> 01:13:35,841


1869
01:13:36,367 --> 01:13:40,042

cos they're runnin' out of room

1870
01:13:41,087 --> 01:13:43,840


1871
01:13:44,127 --> 01:13:47,802

cos they're runnin' out of room

1872
01:13:47,967 --> 01:13:52,404

cos they're runnin' out of room.

1873
01:13:58,767 --> 01:14:02,044
INDISTINCT CHATTER
- CAR DRIVES AWAY

1874
01:14:09,007 --> 01:14:09,917
JOE:
Bye, she,