1 00:00:00,840 --> 00:00:05,220 Hi there, and welcome to tonight's show. Kermit, my cousin, have I got an act 2 00:00:05,220 --> 00:00:05,979 for you. 3 00:00:05,980 --> 00:00:09,180 Oh, that's very nice of you, Leon, but everything's booked for tonight. The 4 00:00:09,180 --> 00:00:10,139 is complete. 5 00:00:10,140 --> 00:00:11,680 Except for one thing. 6 00:00:12,040 --> 00:00:13,260 Fonda, honey, come here. 7 00:00:13,780 --> 00:00:17,020 Boy, this lady has a set of pipes you wouldn't believe. 8 00:00:17,480 --> 00:00:20,860 Uh, Leon, I've got all the singers I need. Digit, roll the opening. 9 00:00:21,100 --> 00:00:23,000 Just show them what you can do, honey. What? 10 00:00:23,320 --> 00:00:24,320 No! 11 00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:29,700 Does it mean I don't get the job? 12 00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:12,680 Good evening and welcome to our show. Woof. 13 00:01:13,220 --> 00:01:14,620 Wait a second, you're not the lion. 14 00:01:14,840 --> 00:01:16,340 No, I'm the dog. 15 00:01:16,580 --> 00:01:18,320 I work with the storyteller. 16 00:01:19,180 --> 00:01:20,180 Oh, yeah. 17 00:01:20,340 --> 00:01:24,180 Later on, the storyteller is going to tell an eerie tale called A Soldier in 18 00:01:24,180 --> 00:01:26,140 Death. Is he cheating? 19 00:01:26,580 --> 00:01:29,080 Well, I am, and I'm still losing. 20 00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:30,320 Me too. 21 00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:31,760 Deal again. 22 00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:35,700 Suddenly. And he did, and he won. 23 00:01:37,320 --> 00:01:38,800 That was eerie. 24 00:01:39,470 --> 00:01:40,770 So listen, where's the lion? 25 00:01:41,350 --> 00:01:44,450 Your frog got him a job in front of the public library. 26 00:01:44,850 --> 00:01:45,850 Well, that's strange. 27 00:01:45,970 --> 00:01:47,010 Kermit, is everything okay? 28 00:01:47,550 --> 00:01:51,210 Don't worry, Jim. Except for a small monitor problem, I got everything under 29 00:01:51,210 --> 00:01:55,410 control. Our guest stars are the nylon, and Fozzie Bear is going to pay a visit 30 00:01:55,410 --> 00:01:56,410 to the Today Show. 31 00:01:56,490 --> 00:01:57,488 That's so cheap. 32 00:01:57,490 --> 00:01:58,590 How did this happen? 33 00:01:58,890 --> 00:02:01,970 Well, I'll show you. Instant replay. 34 00:02:02,930 --> 00:02:07,030 See, here I am doing my introduction, and then Leon shows up with this woman, 35 00:02:07,050 --> 00:02:08,050 and she went... 36 00:02:11,900 --> 00:02:12,900 That'll do it. 37 00:02:15,940 --> 00:02:18,780 The Jim Henson Hour will return after these messages. 38 00:02:37,140 --> 00:02:40,760 Hermit, you're in luck. The chickens and I have worked up a great act. Oh, 39 00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:44,140 Gonzo, I don't really need any more acts. But this is more than an act. This 40 00:02:44,140 --> 00:02:45,140 an opening number. 41 00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:48,220 But I've already got a great opening number. Hey, Digit, kill the nylons. 42 00:03:28,230 --> 00:03:31,030 Thank you. 43 00:04:06,510 --> 00:04:07,510 Bye. Bye. 44 00:05:40,430 --> 00:05:41,430 It'd be a great opening number. 45 00:05:41,910 --> 00:05:43,530 Kermit. Gonzo, the answer is no. 46 00:05:43,850 --> 00:05:47,010 At least let me tell you about this great new chicken act. No! It's the 47 00:05:47,010 --> 00:05:50,070 definitive roller poultry version of the sound of music. 48 00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:53,250 Roller poultry? I'm glad you asked. I didn't ask. 49 00:05:54,390 --> 00:05:56,590 Gonzo, wait a second. Aren't they beautiful? 50 00:05:57,210 --> 00:05:58,210 Chickens. 51 00:06:10,060 --> 00:06:15,940 I can't hear you, Kermit. I'm on roller skates. This is... Just cue the 52 00:06:15,940 --> 00:06:17,720 telethon. All right. All right. 53 00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:22,600 Okay. This is our 78th hour of the Monstathon. 54 00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:24,180 Let's see how we're doing. 55 00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:14,600 over the Pacific coast turning into evening later. And later tonight, the 56 00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:18,960 darkness associated with 3 in the morning over here should give way to 57 00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:20,240 time by early tomorrow. 58 00:07:20,660 --> 00:07:22,160 And the forecast for tomorrow? 59 00:07:22,420 --> 00:07:28,500 3 .15 in St. Louis. In Hollywood, lunch will last all day. And in Ottawa, it'll 60 00:07:28,500 --> 00:07:29,500 be 19 .56. 61 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:30,980 Thank you and good night. 62 00:07:31,260 --> 00:07:36,040 Do you want to give or do we tie your ears in a bow? I'm sorry, but I don't 63 00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:37,040 the time. 64 00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:50,480 volunteers are doing. 65 00:07:51,140 --> 00:07:55,480 Hello, is this the late Mr. George Hopkins, or can you send us 20 bucks by 66 00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:56,480 tomorrow? 67 00:07:57,000 --> 00:08:02,820 Yes, to save any unnecessary unpleasantness, call us and pledge at 1 68 00:08:02,820 --> 00:08:04,540 -555 -W. 69 00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:06,680 Okay. 70 00:08:07,580 --> 00:08:11,660 Oh, we're working again, Chief. Okay. Boy, those monsters get everywhere. 71 00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:13,640 Hey, that looks like New York City. 72 00:08:14,260 --> 00:08:15,860 Fozzie, how's New York? 73 00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:18,540 Oh, Kermit, hi. Oh, it's great. 74 00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:22,720 Oh, yeah, I've come to the Big Apple to showcase my comic appeal. 75 00:08:22,980 --> 00:08:24,500 Get it? Apple appeal. 76 00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:28,340 Same old Fazi, same old jokes. 77 00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:33,640 Oh, no, no, no, Kermit, you're wrong. I have chosen a new career with real 78 00:08:33,640 --> 00:08:34,760 artistic integrity. 79 00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:37,280 Oh? And what career might that be? 80 00:08:37,679 --> 00:08:40,780 I am going to be a TV weatherman. 81 00:08:41,220 --> 00:08:43,520 A TV weatherman? Yeah. Fazi, are you sure? 82 00:08:43,860 --> 00:08:45,060 Of course, Kermit. 83 00:08:45,310 --> 00:08:50,750 It is time to move on. It's time to leave behind the funny nose and glasses. 84 00:08:51,010 --> 00:08:56,610 Time to say goodbye to the childish whooper cushion. And, of course, the 85 00:08:56,610 --> 00:08:57,890 old banana peel. 86 00:08:58,490 --> 00:09:04,450 Kermit, I am now on my way to NBC headquarters to meet Willard Scott. 87 00:09:04,710 --> 00:09:06,430 Yes, wish me luck. 88 00:09:08,450 --> 00:09:10,410 There's that banana peel. Forget it. 89 00:09:11,210 --> 00:09:14,210 Well, I guess if he can slip up there, he can slip up anywhere. 90 00:09:14,790 --> 00:09:16,030 We'll check with him later. 91 00:09:16,250 --> 00:09:18,350 Hey, Digit, cue the soap opera. 92 00:09:19,870 --> 00:09:20,870 Darling? 93 00:09:21,710 --> 00:09:22,890 Yes, sweetie bum? 94 00:09:23,250 --> 00:09:25,050 I just spoke to Mrs. 95 00:09:25,350 --> 00:09:28,110 Goldfarb. Oh, about my operation. 96 00:09:30,350 --> 00:09:31,350 Hi. 97 00:09:32,890 --> 00:09:34,070 May we come in? 98 00:09:34,410 --> 00:09:35,510 Oh, it's Monster. 99 00:09:36,350 --> 00:09:41,330 Actually, we don't like being called monsters. We prefer the term 100 00:09:41,330 --> 00:09:43,350 challenged. Have you? 101 00:09:43,790 --> 00:09:44,790 given yet. 102 00:09:44,830 --> 00:09:46,150 What? Twenty bucks. 103 00:09:46,510 --> 00:09:48,790 Thirty bucks and we'll give you your kid back. 104 00:09:49,430 --> 00:09:50,430 Wait, 105 00:09:50,930 --> 00:09:52,450 we don't have any kids. 106 00:09:56,950 --> 00:09:58,850 Fifty bucks or we leave him here. 107 00:10:01,530 --> 00:10:02,530 Brother. 108 00:10:02,830 --> 00:10:05,070 Hanzo, are you upset about something? 109 00:10:05,290 --> 00:10:07,670 Well, Kermit put that on the air instead of my chickens. 110 00:10:09,110 --> 00:10:11,890 I can do better than that. Sure. 111 00:10:12,699 --> 00:10:14,400 But Kermit's the guy in charge. 112 00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:17,920 Say, who put Kermit in charge? I don't know. 113 00:10:21,020 --> 00:10:23,180 Are you thinking what I'm thinking? 114 00:10:24,300 --> 00:10:25,300 Nah. 115 00:10:26,380 --> 00:10:27,380 Neither am I. 116 00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:32,400 Okay, Digit, stand by with Fozzie Bear. Digit, wait a second. Excuse me, Kermit. 117 00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:36,220 Just a second, guys. I'll be with you in a minute. Go ahead and cue Fozzie now. 118 00:10:37,780 --> 00:10:40,640 Oh, here it is. The doorway to my future. 119 00:10:41,100 --> 00:10:45,180 He must be right in there, the king of TV weathermen, Willard Scott. 120 00:10:45,560 --> 00:10:49,340 All my behavior must be dignified, yet casual. 121 00:10:49,940 --> 00:10:52,120 Respectful, yet relaxed. Right there. 122 00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:55,580 Hey, it's the funniest face on television. 123 00:10:56,080 --> 00:10:57,680 Except for Gene Shannon, of course. 124 00:10:57,900 --> 00:11:00,000 Fozzie Bear, what can I do for you? Oh, Mr. 125 00:11:00,220 --> 00:11:05,700 Scott, sir, I am here to learn how to be a TV weatherman, just like you. That's 126 00:11:05,700 --> 00:11:09,340 very flattering, Fozzie. Thank you very much. I've got my very own pointy 127 00:11:09,340 --> 00:11:11,860 weather stick here, see? Right. And I also have a toupee. 128 00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:15,260 Right. Yeah, what more could a weather bear need, sir? I don't think you need 129 00:11:15,260 --> 00:11:18,620 much. You're on your way to TV startup. Pretty soon you'll be getting fruitcakes 130 00:11:18,620 --> 00:11:19,620 from your adoring public. 131 00:11:20,270 --> 00:11:24,110 Fruitcake? Yeah, you see, they don't pay me here. I live like a king on the 132 00:11:24,110 --> 00:11:25,150 fruitcake of strangers. 133 00:11:25,490 --> 00:11:27,130 Would you like a piece? Oh, yes, sir. 134 00:11:27,350 --> 00:11:30,410 I got some in here that are real beauties. They're almost like antiques. 135 00:11:30,830 --> 00:11:33,010 Maybe three or four dollars in value. 136 00:11:33,490 --> 00:11:34,490 Wow. 137 00:11:34,770 --> 00:11:38,850 Fonz? Yes? The lights burn out. Could you do me a favor? Yeah? Would you hold 138 00:11:38,850 --> 00:11:39,429 the door? 139 00:11:39,430 --> 00:11:40,430 Oh, sure. 140 00:11:41,350 --> 00:11:42,350 You mean now? 141 00:11:44,290 --> 00:11:45,390 Oh, no. 142 00:11:46,270 --> 00:11:47,910 Do you have the keys? 143 00:11:48,230 --> 00:11:49,230 Sure, Fonz. 144 00:11:49,610 --> 00:11:51,090 I got it right here in my hand. 145 00:11:52,710 --> 00:11:53,710 Don't panic. 146 00:11:53,810 --> 00:11:55,810 I'll go get help. Make it fast, Foz. 147 00:11:56,030 --> 00:12:00,310 Welcome back to today. It's time for the weather with Fozzie Bear. 148 00:12:00,810 --> 00:12:04,810 Help! Help! Help! Is that camera on? 149 00:12:05,170 --> 00:12:06,550 It certainly is. 150 00:12:06,950 --> 00:12:07,950 Ah! 151 00:12:08,470 --> 00:12:09,870 Good morning, America. 152 00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:13,230 Watch your language, Fozzie. Now, what were you saying? 153 00:12:13,570 --> 00:12:16,890 Oh, uh, nothing. Nothing except, uh, I. 154 00:12:17,210 --> 00:12:19,650 I am your new weather bear. See, I got my pointy stick and everything. 155 00:12:20,050 --> 00:12:23,670 That's very professional, but isn't that Willard's job? 156 00:12:24,470 --> 00:12:25,470 No, no. 157 00:12:25,710 --> 00:12:26,710 Funny you should ask. 158 00:12:27,190 --> 00:12:29,850 Willard could not make it. He told me to take over. 159 00:12:30,530 --> 00:12:31,530 Wait a minute. 160 00:12:31,570 --> 00:12:32,630 Where is Willard? 161 00:12:34,250 --> 00:12:35,250 Hi, 162 00:12:36,130 --> 00:12:37,850 I'm your new weather bear. 163 00:12:38,650 --> 00:12:41,310 And holy cow. 164 00:12:43,090 --> 00:12:46,330 Oh, well, I guess as you can plainly see, there's a... 165 00:12:47,090 --> 00:12:49,550 There's all this white stuff over here. 166 00:12:50,370 --> 00:12:52,890 Oh, cute little pennants up here. 167 00:12:54,350 --> 00:12:57,250 There's a giant owl over here by Nebraska. 168 00:12:57,670 --> 00:13:02,950 Now, all you people in Nebraska, you stay in your homes until we can find a 169 00:13:02,950 --> 00:13:05,430 to get the owl out of there. 170 00:13:06,710 --> 00:13:09,530 Yeah, well, now, over here. 171 00:13:15,850 --> 00:13:16,809 Oh, Fozzie. 172 00:13:16,810 --> 00:13:20,170 Fozzie, I'm afraid you're just not cut out to be a weather bear. Oh, no. 173 00:13:20,450 --> 00:13:24,830 But now, hold on. Listen, I found some great stuff in my closet that I think 174 00:13:24,830 --> 00:13:28,710 are going to love. What? Take a look at this. A big nose with glasses. 175 00:13:28,950 --> 00:13:34,230 Oh, yes. Is that correct? Oh, yes. And a slightly used whoopee cushion. 176 00:13:34,490 --> 00:13:38,930 Oh, my old friend. But wait a minute. I saved the best for last, baby. 177 00:13:39,310 --> 00:13:42,350 This is it. A hilarious banana peel. 178 00:13:42,950 --> 00:13:44,550 Now, that's funny. 179 00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:49,680 Waka, waka. Waka, waka. Waka, waka. Waka, waka. 180 00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:50,579 Waka, waka. 181 00:13:50,580 --> 00:13:53,260 Leon, he's never going to go along with this. 182 00:13:53,460 --> 00:13:54,460 Shh. Ready? 183 00:13:54,660 --> 00:14:00,160 Yes. Did you guys want to talk to me about something? No. Yes, we do. Cuz, 184 00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:03,480 anyone ever suggested that a few more people should have a hand in running 185 00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:05,140 show? Well, how do you mean? 186 00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:09,660 Well, letting someone else have a turn. 187 00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:10,980 Well, that's a good idea. 188 00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:13,500 Now, before you reject this out of hand... 189 00:14:14,060 --> 00:14:15,060 What did you say? 190 00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:18,560 I say that's a great idea. I don't know why I've never thought of it myself. 191 00:14:18,820 --> 00:14:20,260 You know, I could use the time away. 192 00:14:20,880 --> 00:14:22,620 Away? But where would you go? 193 00:14:23,020 --> 00:14:25,600 Oh, uh, see that up there? Doesn't that look nice? 194 00:14:26,100 --> 00:14:29,640 Yeah. I tell you what, guys, have fun, keep the ratings up, and don't forget to 195 00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:30,680 roll the credits when you're through. 196 00:14:30,940 --> 00:14:32,640 Okay. Oh, my gosh. 197 00:14:33,180 --> 00:14:35,300 Great. Yeah. Woo -hoo. 198 00:14:35,680 --> 00:14:36,680 Yes. Yes. 199 00:14:36,860 --> 00:14:37,880 Yes. Leon. 200 00:14:39,540 --> 00:14:41,720 Leon. What do we do now? 201 00:14:46,090 --> 00:14:49,470 Oh, this is great. Peace and quiet. 202 00:14:58,410 --> 00:15:00,230 What a beautiful spot. 203 00:15:00,570 --> 00:15:02,070 Isn't this a beautiful spot? 204 00:15:02,710 --> 00:15:04,830 This is a beautiful spot. 205 00:15:05,150 --> 00:15:09,830 Look at that water and that sand and that water. 206 00:15:11,250 --> 00:15:13,550 I wonder how the gang is doing. 207 00:15:17,579 --> 00:15:19,880 People! There is no need to panic. 208 00:15:20,100 --> 00:15:23,020 Now, Leon, you take over Gonzo's responsibilities. 209 00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:27,380 What? Gonzo, you take over my job. I didn't know I had responsibilities. 210 00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:29,980 Yes, and I will take over Mr. 211 00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:33,700 Kermit's. Now, the first thing I think we should do is... Oh, no, you don't. 212 00:15:33,860 --> 00:15:37,420 What? A job like this requires artistic vision. Well, I have that. 213 00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:41,880 As my first decision, chicken on roller skate. 214 00:15:42,100 --> 00:15:43,100 No! 215 00:16:33,290 --> 00:16:36,450 that take me from war room to ballroom. 216 00:16:36,730 --> 00:16:43,010 Wow, Bootsy. With you as president, it'll really be a kinder, swingier 217 00:16:43,970 --> 00:16:49,510 Oh, Brad, be serious for a second. This is the highest office of America. 218 00:16:50,450 --> 00:16:53,530 It's almost more important than being a high fashion model. 219 00:16:54,110 --> 00:16:59,750 But, Boots, what'll I do while you're rushing to meetings with Soviet leaders? 220 00:16:59,970 --> 00:17:00,970 I thought... 221 00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:04,159 Me? 222 00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:07,800 Would I be any good at it? You'd be perfect. 223 00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:09,839 What would I do? 224 00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:13,660 Well, you could stand behind the podium. 225 00:17:14,060 --> 00:17:15,680 Okay, I can do that. 226 00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:22,380 My fellow Americans. 227 00:17:24,599 --> 00:17:30,940 This proves what my grandmother always said. In this country, anyone can become 228 00:17:30,940 --> 00:17:31,940 vital. President. 229 00:17:32,690 --> 00:17:34,490 If you have the right luck. 230 00:17:35,050 --> 00:17:37,190 That's what we need. A president. 231 00:17:37,510 --> 00:17:39,150 Terrific. I pick me. 232 00:17:39,470 --> 00:17:41,790 No, no, no. You have to vote for presidents. 233 00:17:42,170 --> 00:17:43,870 Okay. I vote for me. 234 00:17:44,130 --> 00:17:46,890 I wonder how Kermit's doing. 235 00:17:47,110 --> 00:17:48,110 Hmm. 236 00:17:49,630 --> 00:17:50,630 Chapter one. 237 00:17:51,390 --> 00:17:52,390 Tadpole days. 238 00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:54,730 My earliest memory. 239 00:17:56,750 --> 00:18:00,370 How could I have envisioned... 240 00:18:00,810 --> 00:18:02,150 The long journey ahead. 241 00:18:03,830 --> 00:18:06,830 Maybe I'll just play solitaire. 242 00:18:07,970 --> 00:18:09,790 I wish I had some cards. 243 00:18:12,830 --> 00:18:15,130 Perhaps the handsomest should be enjoyed. 244 00:18:15,350 --> 00:18:16,350 No, brother. 245 00:18:16,450 --> 00:18:20,370 The form of government is irrelevant unless you have a mandate from the 246 00:18:20,570 --> 00:18:22,410 Isn't that a great form of government? 247 00:18:24,010 --> 00:18:26,430 Presenting His Royal Highness Prince... 248 00:18:30,060 --> 00:18:32,620 we decree, let it be story time. 249 00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:41,120 Once upon a time, very long ago, there was 250 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:44,960 a kingdom that wasn't a kingdom at all. I mean, they had a king, but he wasn't 251 00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:46,980 really... Look, let's start this over. 252 00:18:49,740 --> 00:18:50,719 Okay, okay. 253 00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:56,260 So, once upon a time, very long ago, there was a kingdom without a king. 254 00:18:56,590 --> 00:19:00,270 It had been so many years since anyone cared about having a king that he'd gone 255 00:19:00,270 --> 00:19:04,190 on to something else. Now he worked as a hat sharpener. 256 00:19:05,510 --> 00:19:09,410 Meanwhile, all the people of the kingdom went about their business very much 257 00:19:09,410 --> 00:19:13,550 their own boss until one day a stranger came into the hat sharpening shop. 258 00:19:13,850 --> 00:19:14,850 All done. 259 00:19:14,910 --> 00:19:15,869 Thank you. 260 00:19:15,870 --> 00:19:19,790 Next. I have been told there is a king here that sharpens the hats. 261 00:19:20,010 --> 00:19:21,010 Oh, that's me. 262 00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:25,560 Oh, what are you doing here when there's the king -ing to be done? Oh, we 263 00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:27,820 haven't done that king stuff around here for years. 264 00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:29,960 I've kind of forgotten what it's all about. 265 00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:31,780 Oh, you're nuts. 266 00:19:32,420 --> 00:19:37,900 What? Don't you realize people must be told what to do? You have very well 267 00:19:37,900 --> 00:19:40,480 the responsibility to act king -y. 268 00:19:40,740 --> 00:19:46,640 What? Yes, you know, wear the colorful clothes and put the big thing on the 269 00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:49,380 and make the... What do you call them? 270 00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:53,440 Did you really think I should? 271 00:19:53,700 --> 00:19:57,460 Oh, yeah, yeah. You have a moral responsibility to lead. 272 00:19:57,820 --> 00:20:03,220 Now, sharpen my point a bit. Oh, yes, sir. That night, in the privacy of his 273 00:20:03,220 --> 00:20:07,180 small dungeon apartment with exposed brick walls, the king thought over the 274 00:20:07,180 --> 00:20:11,720 stranger's words. My moral obligation to lead. 275 00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:14,700 What did he say I needed? 276 00:20:25,610 --> 00:20:30,170 And so, the very next day, the king put on some colorful clothing, put a big 277 00:20:30,170 --> 00:20:33,470 thing on his head, and set out to make some proclamation. 278 00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:14,500 of the kingdom decided they liked being told what to do, and the king moved back 279 00:21:14,500 --> 00:21:19,600 into the long, empty palace, and people began to work as slaves and serfs and 280 00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:23,440 peasants, and everyone lived happily ever after. 281 00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:27,440 Until one day, they blew it all up. 282 00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:36,460 Exactly my point. Just like that fairy tale. 283 00:21:36,740 --> 00:21:38,580 Actually, it was more of an allegory. 284 00:21:40,140 --> 00:21:42,960 Hey, how many people think that voting is a dumb idea? 285 00:21:45,300 --> 00:21:46,900 Ponto! Where are you going? 286 00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:51,540 Oh, well, nothing personal, guys, but I miss Kermit. 287 00:21:52,180 --> 00:21:54,380 So long. 288 00:21:57,220 --> 00:21:58,220 Wait for me. 289 00:22:09,740 --> 00:22:10,800 Why aren't you guys running the show? 290 00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:13,080 Oh, well, we left. 291 00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:14,960 Mind if we hang out with you? 292 00:22:15,260 --> 00:22:16,680 Oh, look, you're all here. 293 00:22:16,900 --> 00:22:17,900 We all left. 294 00:22:18,040 --> 00:22:19,580 I skedaddled. It's cuter. 295 00:22:20,300 --> 00:22:21,480 Oh, this is fantastic. 296 00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:24,320 Hey, but how did the show turn out? Did you do a good closing number? 297 00:22:25,100 --> 00:22:28,120 Well, actually, we never got to the closing number. 298 00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:32,260 What? Well, to be honest with you, sir, we couldn't figure out how to run the 299 00:22:32,260 --> 00:22:34,580 show. Oh, running the show is easy. Watch. 300 00:22:53,710 --> 00:22:58,630 Even when I'm weary and I just can't carry on, and the world is like an 301 00:22:58,630 --> 00:22:59,990 debt for me to pay. 302 00:23:01,050 --> 00:23:06,510 Even when the neon seems to shine more than the sun, and the secret place I 303 00:23:06,510 --> 00:23:07,970 in feels so far away. 304 00:23:08,930 --> 00:23:14,570 Still I've got a ticket for a magic holiday, and it's always hooked and 305 00:23:14,570 --> 00:23:15,570 come what may. 306 00:23:16,110 --> 00:23:17,150 Whoa, whoa. 307 00:23:17,610 --> 00:23:18,610 Sweet vacation, 308 00:23:19,270 --> 00:23:20,270 recreation, 309 00:23:21,350 --> 00:23:22,350 destination. 310 00:23:23,370 --> 00:23:27,290 My friends can take me home. 311 00:23:57,100 --> 00:23:59,560 And it's always booked and ready come what may. 312 00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:04,220 Sweet vacation, recreation, 313 00:24:05,340 --> 00:24:07,700 destination home. 314 00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:10,480 Sweet vacation, 315 00:24:11,260 --> 00:24:12,260 recreation, 316 00:24:13,180 --> 00:24:15,540 destination home. 317 00:24:15,820 --> 00:24:20,060 Sweet vacation, recreation, 318 00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:23,440 destination home. 319 00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:25,760 My friends can take me home. 320 00:24:38,570 --> 00:24:42,370 And now John Hurt as the storyteller with The Soldier and Death. 321 00:24:54,810 --> 00:24:55,850 What's in your bag? 322 00:24:56,070 --> 00:24:57,210 I can smell biscuits. 323 00:24:59,190 --> 00:25:00,970 Imagination. Let me see. 324 00:25:01,450 --> 00:25:02,450 Certainly not. 325 00:25:02,590 --> 00:25:05,210 No important things in this bag. 326 00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:08,640 And besides, I need those biscuits for my story. 327 00:25:09,700 --> 00:25:13,860 Well, tell your story. Then we can eat them. Is it an old story? 328 00:25:14,180 --> 00:25:16,100 Ancient. Antique. 329 00:25:16,300 --> 00:25:22,680 Oh, stale biscuits, then. It begins a thousand miles from anywhere 330 00:25:22,680 --> 00:25:28,280 after 20 years of war with a soldier, an honest soul with nothing but a shilling 331 00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:32,180 in his pocket and three dried biscuits for the long trudge home. 332 00:25:33,380 --> 00:25:37,180 This... was his regiment, the Royal Hussars. 333 00:25:37,580 --> 00:25:42,920 Oh, yes, a thousand miles the soldier marched, whistling his tuneless whistle, 334 00:25:43,060 --> 00:25:47,660 and he spent his shilling and was down to the three dry biscuits when one day 335 00:25:47,660 --> 00:25:49,680 comes across an old beggar. 336 00:25:51,220 --> 00:25:56,260 And the soldier stopped and joined in with the beggar's fiddle. The one 337 00:25:56,260 --> 00:26:00,400 fiddle, the other couldn't whistle, and quite happy they both were. 338 00:26:08,420 --> 00:26:09,620 A merry tune. 339 00:26:10,020 --> 00:26:11,720 Is it worth a farthing? 340 00:26:12,360 --> 00:26:14,940 More. No, I can give you nothing. 341 00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:17,420 I do have a biscuit you can have. 342 00:26:17,660 --> 00:26:19,240 Then you're a good man, Father. 343 00:26:19,700 --> 00:26:20,980 And I'll thank you. 344 00:26:23,260 --> 00:26:24,560 Go on, eat. 345 00:26:26,380 --> 00:26:30,960 You're a good man who deserves a better whistle. And off the soldier went and 346 00:26:30,960 --> 00:26:36,560 took up with his tuneless tune, but funny, peculiar and strange indeedy. He 347 00:26:36,560 --> 00:26:42,800 a whistle like... Well, imagine what rubies would sound like if they 348 00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:46,580 And he kept it up all the way down the road until he met another old boy down 349 00:26:46,580 --> 00:26:50,720 his lock and ward at the edges. And this old man, he played one, he played knick 350 00:26:50,720 --> 00:26:51,720 -knack on his drum. 351 00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:56,720 And the soldier stood and whistled his ruby whistle and did a little jig in his 352 00:26:56,720 --> 00:26:58,920 weary boots, a stumble and a hopping. 353 00:26:59,300 --> 00:27:01,600 And then he swaps a second biscuit. 354 00:27:02,460 --> 00:27:04,440 And now look at his dog. 355 00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:10,200 Oh! 356 00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:12,960 Yes, a fine Terpsichore. 357 00:27:13,180 --> 00:27:16,080 Good as new was skipping a hop down the road. 358 00:27:16,360 --> 00:27:21,800 At length he comes to a third old silk, worn to a whisper and playing a game of 359 00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:23,640 cards by the road. 360 00:27:26,060 --> 00:27:30,540 And the soldier looks as the fellow shuffled the pack and dealt out the 361 00:27:30,540 --> 00:27:34,500 one after the other, a perfect hand, and gave him a huge clap. 362 00:27:36,380 --> 00:27:37,840 A splendid game. 363 00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:39,380 Were it a farting? 364 00:27:39,710 --> 00:27:41,910 More, though I have nothing to give you. 365 00:27:42,190 --> 00:27:47,230 Now, the soldier had but a single biscuit in his bag, and he was hungry as 366 00:27:47,390 --> 00:27:48,810 so he thought on it. 367 00:27:49,190 --> 00:27:54,490 But I have a biscuit you can share with me. And the soldier held out his last 368 00:27:54,490 --> 00:27:56,470 dried biscuit and broke it in two. 369 00:27:56,690 --> 00:28:01,290 But it didn't feel good, did it, dearest, to give the old boy less than 370 00:28:01,290 --> 00:28:03,830 others, so he gave him both halves. 371 00:28:04,310 --> 00:28:08,490 You're a good man, and deserve more luck than to be on your last biscuit. 372 00:28:09,070 --> 00:28:13,470 Here, take my cards, your honour, and may they never lose for you. 373 00:28:14,230 --> 00:28:15,750 Take this sack also. 374 00:28:16,310 --> 00:28:18,910 An ugly thing, but remarkable. 375 00:28:19,970 --> 00:28:25,570 Order a bird in, or a beast, or anything you like, and it'll be there in a 376 00:28:25,570 --> 00:28:30,130 twinkle. And off he went, a -skipping a whistle and a light heart and an emptied 377 00:28:30,130 --> 00:28:34,650 sack, and walked a warm night and a bright day, and came to a river. 378 00:28:35,390 --> 00:28:36,390 Peace! 379 00:29:03,080 --> 00:29:04,080 That's a nice whistle. 380 00:29:05,480 --> 00:29:07,540 I got it off a poor soul down on his luck. 381 00:29:08,060 --> 00:29:09,160 Home from the war, are you? 382 00:29:10,060 --> 00:29:12,700 Aye. You've a sack full of spoils. 383 00:29:13,400 --> 00:29:14,400 No. 384 00:29:15,120 --> 00:29:16,640 This is three geese I trapped yesterday. 385 00:29:17,500 --> 00:29:18,600 I want one for me supper. 386 00:29:19,700 --> 00:29:23,100 If you'll cook it for me and give me a bed, you can have the other two for your 387 00:29:23,100 --> 00:29:24,400 trouble. I like a nice bird. 388 00:29:26,860 --> 00:29:28,540 Be sure to bring back the sack. 389 00:29:29,120 --> 00:29:34,080 And the landlord roasted him the goose in clove and honey and brought it back 390 00:29:34,080 --> 00:29:38,720 with a bottle of Beth's wine. And the soldier ate it all and sucked the bones 391 00:29:38,720 --> 00:29:45,700 and drank the wine and danced until the morning when he sank, swam, flopped into 392 00:29:45,700 --> 00:29:46,700 bed. 393 00:29:47,560 --> 00:29:53,180 Three days later, he woke up and looked out of the window and there on the hill 394 00:29:53,180 --> 00:29:55,100 he saw a palace. 395 00:29:56,080 --> 00:29:57,100 Oh, I heard you. 396 00:29:57,840 --> 00:29:58,840 Is that well, soldier? 397 00:29:59,080 --> 00:30:00,200 Not bad, not bad. 398 00:30:01,260 --> 00:30:02,540 Whose palace is that? 399 00:30:02,760 --> 00:30:04,440 Why are the windows all smashed? 400 00:30:04,780 --> 00:30:05,840 That's the Tsar's palace. 401 00:30:06,460 --> 00:30:10,300 It was once a place of waltzes and chandeliers and fabulous parties. 402 00:30:10,960 --> 00:30:13,220 Now the devils have it for their card games. 403 00:30:13,760 --> 00:30:15,260 Devils? Devils. 404 00:30:15,740 --> 00:30:19,240 Every night they tumble in and scream and shout and play at cards. 405 00:30:19,760 --> 00:30:22,100 No decent folk go near, they're so devilish. 406 00:30:22,420 --> 00:30:23,480 It's a nice palace. 407 00:30:24,250 --> 00:30:27,110 So much to deal with, those devils. An army tried. 408 00:30:27,830 --> 00:30:30,610 In the morning, there was nothing left but shadows, and that's the truth. 409 00:30:31,390 --> 00:30:34,390 These are devilish devils. And gamblers, too. 410 00:30:35,190 --> 00:30:36,850 I think I'll take a closer look. 411 00:30:37,350 --> 00:30:38,350 Well, that's folly. 412 00:30:39,910 --> 00:30:46,270 Folly or not, the soldier goes, sack on his shoulder, whistle on his lips, into 413 00:30:46,270 --> 00:30:47,270 the palace. 414 00:30:49,110 --> 00:30:52,130 And inside, it's very quiet. 415 00:30:53,290 --> 00:30:56,030 As if the walls were holding their breath. 416 00:30:57,550 --> 00:30:58,790 And waiting. 417 00:31:28,080 --> 00:31:29,080 A visitor. 418 00:31:29,200 --> 00:31:30,660 A dearest. 419 00:31:31,180 --> 00:31:32,800 And he whistled. 420 00:31:33,120 --> 00:31:36,300 That's a nice whistle. I want to have it. 421 00:31:36,700 --> 00:31:38,360 Hello. Hello! 422 00:31:40,680 --> 00:31:45,620 I hear you like a game of cards. I love a game of cards. 423 00:31:46,140 --> 00:31:49,280 What shall we play for? 424 00:31:49,640 --> 00:31:51,960 He whistled. 425 00:31:52,340 --> 00:31:53,580 His teeth. 426 00:31:54,000 --> 00:31:55,500 I collect teeth. 427 00:31:56,420 --> 00:31:57,420 Fair enough. 428 00:31:58,160 --> 00:31:59,260 And what will you stake? 429 00:31:59,580 --> 00:32:02,920 We've got 40 barrels of gold. Any good? 430 00:32:03,480 --> 00:32:04,480 Very good. 431 00:32:05,640 --> 00:32:07,180 Fetch the coffers. 432 00:32:11,740 --> 00:32:12,740 Good. 433 00:32:18,080 --> 00:32:19,180 Let's play, then. 434 00:32:19,580 --> 00:32:22,160 And with that, they settled down to business. 435 00:32:22,480 --> 00:32:24,540 The soldier dealt the cards. 436 00:32:26,730 --> 00:32:27,730 And won. 437 00:32:29,590 --> 00:32:30,590 Myron, eh? 438 00:32:33,490 --> 00:32:36,530 And won again. 439 00:32:42,150 --> 00:32:43,530 Is he cheating? 440 00:32:44,010 --> 00:32:46,530 Well, I am, and I'm still losing. 441 00:32:46,770 --> 00:32:47,770 Me too. 442 00:32:48,270 --> 00:32:49,270 Deal again. 443 00:32:49,850 --> 00:32:53,130 Certainly. And he did. And he won. 444 00:32:54,030 --> 00:32:59,250 And the devils got into the kind of fume only devils could get in. 445 00:32:59,910 --> 00:33:02,030 Fume, fume, fume. 446 00:33:02,790 --> 00:33:08,010 He won game after game while the devils cheated to high heaven and low hell to 447 00:33:08,010 --> 00:33:09,010 no avail. 448 00:33:09,650 --> 00:33:15,410 By the first bells of morning, the forty barrels of gold were stacked behind the 449 00:33:15,410 --> 00:33:18,870 chair of the soldier who whittled, and he won. 450 00:33:21,450 --> 00:33:22,670 Where are my friends? 451 00:33:24,780 --> 00:33:26,580 I suppose we'd better call it a day. 452 00:33:26,860 --> 00:33:28,820 No, we will not. 453 00:33:29,200 --> 00:33:32,440 We will call it a breakfast and you the meal. 454 00:33:32,780 --> 00:33:35,400 First, make sure who eats who. 455 00:33:37,360 --> 00:33:39,080 What do you call this? 456 00:33:39,560 --> 00:33:40,840 It's a snack. 457 00:33:41,220 --> 00:33:42,880 It's a snack. Shut it in back. 458 00:33:43,200 --> 00:33:44,200 Is it? 459 00:33:44,780 --> 00:33:48,000 Then by the grace of God, get in it. 460 00:34:45,900 --> 00:34:49,760 until you swear to serve me faithfully. I swear, I swear. 461 00:34:49,980 --> 00:34:51,560 I'll hold you to your promise. 462 00:34:52,040 --> 00:34:53,040 Hey, 463 00:34:54,139 --> 00:34:56,139 my foot's cuddled. 464 00:34:56,580 --> 00:34:57,538 That's right. 465 00:34:57,540 --> 00:35:00,140 Now off you go, and remember where you left it. 466 00:35:00,540 --> 00:35:05,140 The devils rushed to hell and slammed shut the doors for fear of being 467 00:35:05,140 --> 00:35:06,880 by the soldier and his sack. 468 00:35:07,280 --> 00:35:11,480 And they trembled and quivered and fumed, fumed, fumed. 469 00:35:12,340 --> 00:35:14,940 But the soldier had no time for devils. 470 00:35:15,320 --> 00:35:18,280 He was the toast of the town and the star of the Tsar. 471 00:35:18,960 --> 00:35:25,200 But howsoever like Miles, Your Honor, the last laugh is reserved for death. 472 00:35:26,820 --> 00:35:29,200 Oh, yes. 473 00:35:29,940 --> 00:35:34,280 Everything is dandy with our friend the good soldier and his magic. 474 00:35:36,240 --> 00:35:42,060 Rewarded by the Tsar, he's a rich gentleman now, a husband and a father, 475 00:35:42,060 --> 00:35:43,260 in the castle. 476 00:35:46,280 --> 00:35:47,660 and couldn't be better. 477 00:35:47,940 --> 00:35:54,760 Until one day, because fate is fickle, one day, because fortune 478 00:35:54,760 --> 00:36:00,140 is cruel, his son falls into a terrible fever. 479 00:36:00,740 --> 00:36:01,880 He's worse. 480 00:36:02,220 --> 00:36:07,560 And they cause for quacks and apothecaries and healers, and soon the 481 00:36:07,560 --> 00:36:10,500 is full with grey beards and shaking of heads. 482 00:36:10,780 --> 00:36:13,740 But still the fever rages. 483 00:36:14,300 --> 00:36:16,600 And the boy passes into a swoon. 484 00:36:17,760 --> 00:36:23,560 And, oh dear, the grey beards are replaced by priests mumbling and 485 00:36:24,820 --> 00:36:28,640 And a man in black comes to measure a coffin. 486 00:36:29,040 --> 00:36:30,220 Oh, what shall we do? 487 00:36:30,600 --> 00:36:35,660 My lips are sore with praying, and my knees are weary of kneeling. 488 00:36:36,240 --> 00:36:38,580 And I've lost my whistle from worrying. 489 00:36:39,100 --> 00:36:41,060 It's the very devil, I say. 490 00:36:41,400 --> 00:36:42,700 The very devil. 491 00:36:45,640 --> 00:36:47,400 That devil's that devil of mine. 492 00:36:49,700 --> 00:36:51,440 I'm here, Your Excellency. 493 00:36:51,840 --> 00:36:53,040 Where have you sprung from? 494 00:36:53,280 --> 00:36:56,580 Not so much sprung as hop, sir. You have my foot. 495 00:36:57,540 --> 00:37:00,020 Cure my son, and you can have it back. 496 00:37:00,340 --> 00:37:02,740 This is my good wife, by the way, and this is my devil. 497 00:37:03,800 --> 00:37:05,060 How do you do? 498 00:37:06,300 --> 00:37:07,300 How do you do? 499 00:37:07,460 --> 00:37:10,640 Yes, I saw your son was ill. Let me have a look at him. 500 00:37:13,640 --> 00:37:15,180 Look in here, Your Excellency. 501 00:37:18,360 --> 00:37:20,380 I see a small creature. 502 00:37:20,840 --> 00:37:23,440 Death, death, Excellency. Where does he stand? 503 00:37:24,420 --> 00:37:25,780 At my son's feet. 504 00:37:26,040 --> 00:37:26,979 Ah, good. 505 00:37:26,980 --> 00:37:27,980 He will recover. 506 00:37:28,520 --> 00:37:30,500 It's when he comes to the head you must worry. 507 00:37:30,980 --> 00:37:34,340 Now, sprinkle some of the water from the glass on your child. 508 00:37:46,000 --> 00:37:47,000 You're a marvel. 509 00:37:47,060 --> 00:37:49,100 Well, we do our best. 510 00:37:49,580 --> 00:37:51,900 Could I have my foot back then? Most certainly. 511 00:37:52,240 --> 00:37:53,900 Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. 512 00:37:54,420 --> 00:37:56,320 Will there be anything else, sir? 513 00:37:57,700 --> 00:38:01,120 Give me that glass and I'll release you from your promise. 514 00:38:01,380 --> 00:38:04,260 Really? Oh, thank you. 515 00:38:04,960 --> 00:38:06,900 Quite nice black flowers. 516 00:38:07,120 --> 00:38:12,400 And so the soldier set up in his new trade at Miracle Man and travelled the 517 00:38:12,400 --> 00:38:15,060 world on a camel with his magic glass. 518 00:38:16,230 --> 00:38:19,630 Show him a sick man and he would hold up the glass. 519 00:38:20,210 --> 00:38:24,770 If death sat at the foot of the bed, a quick splish -splash and up the invalid 520 00:38:24,770 --> 00:38:30,050 would sit pouring out blessings. If death stood staring at the other end, 521 00:38:30,050 --> 00:38:33,870 soldier would shake his head solemnly and depart and the relatives would 522 00:38:33,870 --> 00:38:37,010 what a pity he came too late and pay him all the same. 523 00:38:37,470 --> 00:38:43,570 But as often as not, he left with all happy and amazed and praising him. 524 00:38:44,590 --> 00:38:48,970 And it went well for the soldier until one day, far from anywhere, he gets a 525 00:38:48,970 --> 00:38:55,690 message from home to say the old guard has fallen ill and sends for him. 526 00:39:07,750 --> 00:39:09,170 I've come too late. 527 00:39:09,930 --> 00:39:13,170 You say beggars and thieves and... 528 00:39:13,470 --> 00:39:16,130 and dark, yet you won't save your master. 529 00:39:16,370 --> 00:39:20,870 If death needs a new friend, I cannot fight him. 530 00:39:21,330 --> 00:39:23,430 Then let me go in his place. 531 00:39:25,430 --> 00:39:26,430 No. 532 00:39:27,810 --> 00:39:30,010 The Tsar has been my friend and father. 533 00:39:31,470 --> 00:39:35,050 If anyone should go, it should be me. 534 00:39:43,760 --> 00:39:45,460 Take me and spare the Tsar. 535 00:39:45,940 --> 00:39:46,940 I beg you. 536 00:40:03,720 --> 00:40:04,720 Raise B. 537 00:40:22,120 --> 00:40:23,280 Is it all up with you? 538 00:40:37,120 --> 00:40:39,180 Do you know what this is? 539 00:40:39,780 --> 00:40:41,040 A sack. 540 00:40:42,340 --> 00:40:46,860 Well, if this is a sack, then get in it. 541 00:41:05,040 --> 00:41:09,020 The news whispered from one of the Tsars, 50 wives to the others, spread 542 00:41:09,020 --> 00:41:12,660 the town as fast as gossip, which is what it was, and nothing spread faster. 543 00:41:13,060 --> 00:41:16,160 And within four and a half minutes, the whole town knew. 544 00:41:16,360 --> 00:41:20,860 And within 17 minutes, the whole country knew. And by the following morning, it 545 00:41:20,860 --> 00:41:23,280 was the talking point of a thousand languages. 546 00:41:24,300 --> 00:41:25,820 Death a prisoner. 547 00:41:26,840 --> 00:41:28,960 Muerte un prisionero. 548 00:41:36,650 --> 00:41:37,970 I forgot the Greek. 549 00:41:38,870 --> 00:41:39,870 Exactly. 550 00:41:42,930 --> 00:41:47,790 And the soldier, to be on the safe side, set off with death in his sack and 551 00:41:47,790 --> 00:41:52,490 found the thickest forest and the highest tree and clambered up it and 552 00:41:52,490 --> 00:41:55,730 death from the longest branch and promptly fell off. 553 00:41:56,610 --> 00:41:59,850 But there's nothing like death off duty to cushion a fall. 554 00:42:00,750 --> 00:42:02,290 So nothing died? 555 00:42:03,030 --> 00:42:05,370 Nothing. The oddest battle. 556 00:42:06,000 --> 00:42:09,640 There were wars going on in most places and they were very strange. 557 00:42:10,100 --> 00:42:14,940 At the end of a day's carnage, flashing swords and explosions, the air thick 558 00:42:14,940 --> 00:42:18,360 with arrows and savage swoosh of axes, nobody had died. 559 00:42:18,600 --> 00:42:22,980 The armies would look at each other exhausted and intact. 560 00:42:24,040 --> 00:42:28,080 Duels at dawn went on till midnight when the rivals would go home confused. 561 00:42:29,040 --> 00:42:34,620 Crossed lovers would throw themselves off cliffs and have a long climb back. 562 00:42:35,180 --> 00:42:39,420 And my friend the soldier was the most famous man in the world because suddenly 563 00:42:39,420 --> 00:42:40,660 everyone could live forever. 564 00:42:41,260 --> 00:42:45,000 He sat in his palace and whistled his ruby whistle. 565 00:42:47,640 --> 00:42:54,020 And then one day, looking down from his window, he sees his courtyard full of 566 00:42:54,020 --> 00:42:55,580 poor souls wandering. 567 00:42:56,360 --> 00:42:59,680 Old crags of folk barely held together. 568 00:43:00,720 --> 00:43:03,940 They were waiting, waiting for death. 569 00:43:05,070 --> 00:43:07,770 Death's release, and it would not come. 570 00:43:08,250 --> 00:43:11,150 And the soldier could not bear their sorrow. 571 00:43:11,730 --> 00:43:13,890 Back he went to the forest. 572 00:43:19,830 --> 00:43:20,830 Death? 573 00:43:21,950 --> 00:43:27,070 I've led you a merry dance, but now you must have me and set the world to 574 00:43:27,070 --> 00:43:28,070 rights. 575 00:43:33,490 --> 00:43:34,490 Death! 576 00:43:35,690 --> 00:43:36,690 Come back! 577 00:43:37,850 --> 00:43:43,870 But death had fear of the soldier and his sack and would not come back. 578 00:43:44,390 --> 00:43:50,750 He was condemned to watch while others aged and died, but death would not come 579 00:43:50,750 --> 00:43:51,750 for him. 580 00:43:52,770 --> 00:43:59,650 No, the soldier, old chipper, dried beef, lived on and 581 00:43:59,650 --> 00:44:02,630 on and on until he could stand it no longer. 582 00:44:03,530 --> 00:44:10,030 and dragged his dust and fragments across to the edge of the earth and 583 00:44:10,030 --> 00:44:11,470 down to hell. 584 00:44:18,510 --> 00:44:23,730 Yes? A sinful soul comes to surrender his life. 585 00:44:24,010 --> 00:44:26,110 Yes. What's that you're carrying? 586 00:44:27,250 --> 00:44:29,650 Nothing. An old sack. 587 00:44:34,540 --> 00:44:39,780 I beg you. Go away. Go on and take that horrible sack with you. 588 00:44:40,440 --> 00:44:42,260 But where can I go? 589 00:44:42,720 --> 00:44:45,400 We don't care. Just dig it off. 590 00:44:50,720 --> 00:44:55,800 I won't go unless you give me a map to heaven and a way... 591 00:45:09,200 --> 00:45:12,920 what this is. Don't wave that sack around. All right, 200. 592 00:45:13,820 --> 00:45:19,380 Follow the map until you can go no further. 593 00:45:19,600 --> 00:45:24,880 Then go directly up until you get the sensation of standing on your head. 594 00:45:39,760 --> 00:45:45,600 I am the soldier who took death prisoner, and I have brought 200 souls 595 00:45:45,600 --> 00:45:49,700 in the hope that God will forgive me and let me in with them. 596 00:45:50,080 --> 00:45:53,340 The souls may enter, but alone. 597 00:45:54,900 --> 00:45:57,300 Go, then, and be blessed. 598 00:46:02,280 --> 00:46:08,700 Take this, friend, and once inside, call me into the sack. 599 00:46:11,740 --> 00:46:14,680 Remember, I delivered you from the furnace. 600 00:46:17,940 --> 00:46:21,380 But you see, there is no memory in heaven. 601 00:46:22,000 --> 00:46:23,200 Souls forget. 602 00:46:23,780 --> 00:46:27,840 The soldier waited and waited, an inch from paradise. 603 00:46:28,680 --> 00:46:35,580 Until after a long time, forgotten, he turned and walked slowly back to Earth. 604 00:46:37,840 --> 00:46:40,520 And for all I know, he wanders still. 605 00:46:42,480 --> 00:46:43,600 So sad. 606 00:46:44,120 --> 00:46:47,920 Oh, he's a rare boy, my friend, the soldier. 607 00:46:48,180 --> 00:46:50,180 He's somewhere about as famous. 608 00:46:50,540 --> 00:46:51,540 You sure? 609 00:46:53,360 --> 00:46:54,360 Come on. 610 00:46:54,800 --> 00:46:56,300 You can have your biscuit. 611 00:46:59,080 --> 00:46:59,720 Do 612 00:46:59,720 --> 00:47:06,560 you know what this 613 00:47:06,560 --> 00:47:07,820 is? A sack. 614 00:47:08,100 --> 00:47:10,760 Well, if it's a sack, then get in it. 615 00:47:14,359 --> 00:47:15,359 Just checking. 616 00:47:25,420 --> 00:47:26,420 Well, 617 00:47:32,800 --> 00:47:33,800 that's our show for tonight. 618 00:47:34,340 --> 00:47:35,640 Oh, you're back from the library. 619 00:47:36,180 --> 00:47:37,180 What have you got there? 620 00:47:38,540 --> 00:47:39,540 Come on, let me see. 621 00:47:39,960 --> 00:47:40,960 Let's see. 622 00:47:41,770 --> 00:47:44,890 Oh, it's a library card. That's good. Everybody needs one of those. 623 00:47:45,230 --> 00:47:46,230 Here you go. 624 00:47:47,090 --> 00:47:49,670 Thank you for joining us tonight. Come back again next week.