1
00:00:08,475 --> 00:00:10,845
Well, this is good.
I'm not seeing anything
2
00:00:10,945 --> 00:00:13,247
in the local news about all the
bodies we found in the bunker.
3
00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:14,883
That's one advantage
4
00:00:14,983 --> 00:00:17,685
to being on a first-name basis
with the county coroner.
5
00:00:17,785 --> 00:00:19,086
Yeah, sounds like
you guys successfully
6
00:00:19,186 --> 00:00:20,555
"buried the bodies."
7
00:00:20,655 --> 00:00:22,155
Please repeat that for Jay
and give me credit.
8
00:00:22,256 --> 00:00:23,825
Oh, this is a relief.
9
00:00:23,925 --> 00:00:26,293
We can't have news like that
leaking on today of all days.
10
00:00:26,393 --> 00:00:28,897
Woodstone is being considered
for inclusion
11
00:00:28,997 --> 00:00:32,767
on a prestigious list of top
small hotels and B and Bs.
12
00:00:32,867 --> 00:00:35,435
The guy from the list is
coming to check us out today.
13
00:00:35,537 --> 00:00:37,271
It's very important
this goes well,
14
00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:41,475
so, please, no ghost
shenanigans, I-I mean it.
15
00:00:42,309 --> 00:00:44,012
Oh, hello.
16
00:00:44,111 --> 00:00:45,412
You must be a cult ghost?
17
00:00:45,513 --> 00:00:47,147
They keep coming over
from the bunker.
18
00:00:47,247 --> 00:00:50,018
We're sort of a cult ghost
tourist attraction now.
19
00:00:50,117 --> 00:00:52,887
This feels
very shenanigan adjacent.
20
00:00:52,987 --> 00:00:54,856
Nice to meet you. I'm Eugene.
21
00:00:54,956 --> 00:00:56,156
A fellow survivor.
22
00:00:56,256 --> 00:00:57,559
Have you also found it difficult
23
00:00:57,659 --> 00:00:59,393
to acclimate
to the outside world?
24
00:00:59,493 --> 00:01:00,895
Isaac, you were in the cult
25
00:01:00,995 --> 00:01:02,296
for, like, four hours.
26
00:01:02,396 --> 00:01:03,765
All of them harrowing.
27
00:01:03,865 --> 00:01:04,933
Wait a second.
28
00:01:05,033 --> 00:01:06,668
Are you Eugene Woodstone?
29
00:01:06,768 --> 00:01:09,369
I'm Hetty Woodstone,
your ancestor,
30
00:01:09,469 --> 00:01:10,838
-and I built this house.
-You know him?
31
00:01:10,939 --> 00:01:14,576
He lived here for several months
in the late 1960s.
32
00:01:14,676 --> 00:01:16,644
My parents shipped me up here
so I wouldn't embarrass them
33
00:01:16,744 --> 00:01:18,913
at their precious
garden parties.
34
00:01:19,013 --> 00:01:21,783
I was sort of the
black sheep of the family.
35
00:01:21,883 --> 00:01:24,018
I'll say. Rumor has it
this poor fellow was cursed
36
00:01:24,151 --> 00:01:25,587
with the infamous
Woodstone tail.
37
00:01:25,687 --> 00:01:27,354
It's just a small bump
38
00:01:27,454 --> 00:01:28,890
at the base of my spine.
39
00:01:28,990 --> 00:01:30,058
- It's...
- Fascinating.
40
00:01:30,157 --> 00:01:31,593
Does it wag when you're happy?
41
00:01:31,693 --> 00:01:33,895
I don't really want
to talk about it.
42
00:01:33,995 --> 00:01:35,830
I'm Samantha, also a Woodstone.
43
00:01:35,930 --> 00:01:37,097
I am unafflicted.
44
00:01:37,197 --> 00:01:38,900
Not that it's important.
45
00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:40,300
What is going on?
46
00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:42,003
The cult ghost is also
a distant relative.
47
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:44,606
Oh, is he the reason that
the cult was in our bunker?
48
00:01:44,706 --> 00:01:47,609
Yeah. I thought they liked me
for my personality,
49
00:01:47,709 --> 00:01:48,876
but in retrospect,
50
00:01:48,977 --> 00:01:51,211
they just liked me
'cause I had access to a bunker.
51
00:01:51,311 --> 00:01:52,513
Nailed it, Jay.
52
00:01:52,614 --> 00:01:54,549
Oh, that sounds
like quite the tale.
53
00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:59,386
I-I think he means T-A-L-E.
54
00:01:59,486 --> 00:02:00,955
He can't hear us.
55
00:02:01,055 --> 00:02:02,690
We don't have to dwell on it.
56
00:02:07,595 --> 00:02:09,363
Okay, I descummed
the shower,
57
00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:11,231
I touched up the paint
in the Maple Suite
58
00:02:11,331 --> 00:02:12,634
and I folded the toilet paper
59
00:02:12,734 --> 00:02:14,736
into those fancy
little triangles.
60
00:02:14,836 --> 00:02:18,806
So, now, I just need
to take a load off.
61
00:02:18,906 --> 00:02:21,643
Oh, ho, that's nice.
62
00:02:21,743 --> 00:02:23,243
I think we need
to lose the recliner.
63
00:02:23,343 --> 00:02:25,079
-What do you mean?
-Well, it's not in line
64
00:02:25,178 --> 00:02:27,381
with the rest of the decor,
is it?
65
00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:30,018
Agreed. It stick out
like chair of Frasier's father
66
00:02:30,118 --> 00:02:32,219
on TV program Frasier.
67
00:02:32,319 --> 00:02:33,955
I'm not familiar
with that program.
68
00:02:34,055 --> 00:02:35,556
We didn't have a working TV
in the bunker
69
00:02:35,657 --> 00:02:38,059
so I would do a lot of magic
for the cult.
70
00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:40,728
Oh, that's right,
you were an aspiring magician,
71
00:02:40,828 --> 00:02:42,997
I recall your parents
whispering shamefully.
72
00:02:43,097 --> 00:02:44,999
I didn't have my cups or rings
73
00:02:45,099 --> 00:02:46,934
so I did a lot of thumb magic.
74
00:02:49,103 --> 00:02:51,338
By Odin, your thumb.
75
00:02:51,438 --> 00:02:53,675
He's a warlock!
76
00:02:53,775 --> 00:02:55,175
Uh, Jay.
77
00:02:55,342 --> 00:02:57,277
Hetty was pointing out
that the recliner
78
00:02:57,377 --> 00:02:58,579
doesn't go
with the rest of the room,
79
00:02:58,746 --> 00:03:00,515
and honestly,
I kind of agree with her.
80
00:03:00,615 --> 00:03:02,884
I mean, with the list guy
coming, why risk it?
81
00:03:02,984 --> 00:03:04,719
You got this for me as a gift.
82
00:03:04,819 --> 00:03:06,386
You remember when I almost
got dragged to hell
83
00:03:06,486 --> 00:03:08,422
and you got this for me
so I would feel better?
84
00:03:08,523 --> 00:03:10,858
Right. So how about we just
move it into another room?
85
00:03:10,958 --> 00:03:12,292
Somewhere less public.
86
00:03:12,392 --> 00:03:14,128
Can move into Thorfinn's room.
87
00:03:14,227 --> 00:03:15,362
Oh, that's nice.
88
00:03:15,462 --> 00:03:16,898
Thor's offering to take it.
89
00:03:16,998 --> 00:03:20,434
Will be fun new place for Thor
and Flower to fornicate.
90
00:03:20,535 --> 00:03:21,836
And that's all he said.
91
00:03:21,936 --> 00:03:23,671
Fine. If it'll help us
with the list.
92
00:03:23,771 --> 00:03:25,272
Speaking of which,
I've been emailing
93
00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:26,974
with some other B and Bs
and they're telling me
94
00:03:27,075 --> 00:03:29,744
this guy expects us
to grease his palm.
95
00:03:29,844 --> 00:03:30,812
Like a bribe?
96
00:03:30,912 --> 00:03:32,547
Like a very nice welcome gift.
97
00:03:32,647 --> 00:03:33,981
So I did some Insta-stalking,
98
00:03:34,082 --> 00:03:35,917
and turns out
he's really into antiques.
99
00:03:36,017 --> 00:03:37,384
Well, that's great.
100
00:03:37,484 --> 00:03:38,720
We have a ton of old crap
around here.
101
00:03:38,820 --> 00:03:41,756
I mean exquisite heirlooms.
102
00:03:41,856 --> 00:03:45,193
Hey, Thor, I think there's
something behind your ear.
103
00:03:45,292 --> 00:03:47,161
Oh, it's my thumb.
104
00:03:48,529 --> 00:03:51,199
You are a most
impressive sorcerer.
105
00:03:51,298 --> 00:03:54,669
Yet he could never
conjure a job or a wife.
106
00:03:54,769 --> 00:03:56,170
Abracadabra.
107
00:03:56,269 --> 00:03:58,005
I think not.
108
00:03:58,106 --> 00:04:00,975
So what do you think?
109
00:04:01,075 --> 00:04:03,144
Isn't that Jay's recliner?
110
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:07,515
Yeah, Sam give to Jay to
demonstrate her eternal love,
111
00:04:07,615 --> 00:04:10,218
but then get rid of over
some minor decorating concern.
112
00:04:10,317 --> 00:04:13,087
So now we are lucky recipients.
113
00:04:13,187 --> 00:04:15,089
Oh, wow.
114
00:04:15,189 --> 00:04:18,492
Thanks, Thor, uh, it's just, um,
115
00:04:18,593 --> 00:04:20,561
I can't have this in my room.
116
00:04:20,661 --> 00:04:22,697
It's made of leather.
117
00:04:22,797 --> 00:04:23,765
So?
118
00:04:23,865 --> 00:04:25,767
So they killed a cow
to make that.
119
00:04:25,867 --> 00:04:27,602
That cow could have
had a family.
120
00:04:27,702 --> 00:04:30,638
A mom, a-a dad,
maybe a secret lover.
121
00:04:30,738 --> 00:04:35,375
Yes, but chair very comfy
so we keeping.
122
00:04:35,475 --> 00:04:37,779
Thor, you're not listening
to me.
123
00:04:37,879 --> 00:04:39,914
I'm telling you
I don't want the chair.
124
00:04:40,014 --> 00:04:41,883
And Thor telling you
we keeping it.
125
00:04:41,983 --> 00:04:44,952
Thor not care that chair
was once unfaithful cow.
126
00:04:45,052 --> 00:04:46,587
Fine, Thor.
127
00:04:46,687 --> 00:04:48,122
Keep the stupid chair.
128
00:04:48,222 --> 00:04:49,356
Thank you.
129
00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:51,391
Now, on the other subject,
130
00:04:51,491 --> 00:04:54,796
can you check Thor's ear
for strange thumbs?
131
00:04:54,896 --> 00:04:58,099
Thor think Thor might
have problem.
132
00:04:58,199 --> 00:04:59,466
The list guy is pulling up.
133
00:04:59,567 --> 00:05:01,169
Did you settle on something
to give him?
134
00:05:01,269 --> 00:05:02,804
No, Hetty was being impossible.
135
00:05:02,904 --> 00:05:04,772
She was claiming some
sentimental attachment
136
00:05:04,872 --> 00:05:06,808
-to every item in the house.
-Okay, well,
137
00:05:06,908 --> 00:05:08,576
-is she in here right now?
-No.
138
00:05:08,676 --> 00:05:09,811
Alberta made up a lie
to get her to the restaurant.
139
00:05:09,911 --> 00:05:11,846
Great, well,
then just pick anything.
140
00:05:11,946 --> 00:05:13,548
-How about that paperweight?
-Oh, no.
141
00:05:13,648 --> 00:05:15,516
Apparently that was Hetty's
"correcting" paperweight
142
00:05:15,616 --> 00:05:17,285
that she would sometimes
throw at the butlers.
143
00:05:17,417 --> 00:05:18,485
Yeah, I can see
how that could be
144
00:05:18,586 --> 00:05:19,821
a very special keepsake for her.
145
00:05:19,921 --> 00:05:22,590
What about that box?
It's pretty.
146
00:05:24,725 --> 00:05:26,493
Yeah, this is nice.
147
00:05:26,594 --> 00:05:27,829
Fine, let's just do it.
148
00:05:27,929 --> 00:05:29,429
But what if it's important
to Hetty?
149
00:05:29,597 --> 00:05:31,165
Better to beg forgiveness
than ask permission.
150
00:05:31,265 --> 00:05:32,700
That's what Ben Franklin said
151
00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:34,135
before polishing off
152
00:05:34,235 --> 00:05:35,736
the entire Christmas goose.
153
00:05:35,837 --> 00:05:36,971
Ah, hello.
154
00:05:37,071 --> 00:05:39,339
I'm Paul from
Boutique Hotels of the World.
155
00:05:39,439 --> 00:05:41,474
Hi, Paul. I'm Samantha.
This is my husband Jay.
156
00:05:41,576 --> 00:05:42,810
Welcome to Woodstone.
157
00:05:42,910 --> 00:05:46,514
The judging begins
with your handshake.
158
00:05:47,281 --> 00:05:48,415
Adequate.
159
00:05:48,516 --> 00:05:50,284
He persnickety
and overly formal.
160
00:05:50,383 --> 00:05:51,719
I like him.
161
00:05:51,819 --> 00:05:53,855
Very interesting
older property you have here.
162
00:05:53,955 --> 00:05:55,590
That's a nice way
of calling it a dump.
163
00:05:55,690 --> 00:05:57,692
Give him the gift, Sammy.
Grease that palm.
164
00:05:57,792 --> 00:05:59,727
Uh, we have
a welcome gift for you.
165
00:05:59,827 --> 00:06:02,495
-It's this... box.
-Oh.
166
00:06:03,297 --> 00:06:04,497
This is exquisite.
167
00:06:04,599 --> 00:06:06,567
What a rare find.
168
00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:08,202
An early 19th century parlor box
169
00:06:08,302 --> 00:06:10,738
with steeple-tip hinges.
170
00:06:10,838 --> 00:06:12,907
Well, that was a waste of time.
171
00:06:13,007 --> 00:06:15,309
Alberta thought she saw
Colin Farrell at Mahesh.
172
00:06:15,408 --> 00:06:18,145
In my defense, as a celebrity
I have celebrity blindness.
173
00:06:18,246 --> 00:06:20,882
Well, you must be exhausted
after your travels.
174
00:06:20,982 --> 00:06:22,617
Yeah, let me show you
to your room.
175
00:06:22,717 --> 00:06:24,518
Is that the list fellow?
176
00:06:24,619 --> 00:06:26,020
Why is he holding my parlor box?
177
00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:27,989
You didn't give him that
as a welcome gift, did you?
178
00:06:28,089 --> 00:06:30,091
Yes, I did,
and just deal with it.
179
00:06:30,191 --> 00:06:31,692
You really
should've asked me first.
180
00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:33,895
Why? You would've just said no.
181
00:06:33,995 --> 00:06:35,096
Yes, I would have.
182
00:06:35,196 --> 00:06:37,899
Because it has a false bottom
full of cocaine.
183
00:06:37,999 --> 00:06:39,834
- What?!
- That's right.
184
00:06:39,934 --> 00:06:41,636
Peru's finest.
185
00:06:41,736 --> 00:06:44,205
So unless the purity
of your narcotics
186
00:06:44,305 --> 00:06:46,774
is one of the list categories
on which you're being judged,
187
00:06:46,874 --> 00:06:50,077
I suggest you get that box back.
188
00:06:55,716 --> 00:06:57,018
Why was there cocaine
in the box?
189
00:06:57,118 --> 00:06:58,953
Because it was my box
and I love cocaine.
190
00:06:59,053 --> 00:07:00,621
Can't argue
with that explanation.
191
00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:02,390
Plus, that was in here
this whole time?
192
00:07:02,489 --> 00:07:03,658
I was searching
for it frantically
193
00:07:03,758 --> 00:07:05,226
when I possessed your husband.
194
00:07:05,359 --> 00:07:07,094
I was going to return him to you
with a hole in his septum
195
00:07:07,194 --> 00:07:08,129
the size of Rhode Island.
196
00:07:08,229 --> 00:07:09,597
Hey, babe.
197
00:07:10,364 --> 00:07:11,799
This is going so well.
198
00:07:11,899 --> 00:07:13,067
He thinks the room
is super cute.
199
00:07:13,167 --> 00:07:14,602
He loved the folded
toilet paper.
200
00:07:14,702 --> 00:07:17,004
Jay, the box we gave him
has a false bottom
201
00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:18,306
that's full of cocaine.
202
00:07:18,406 --> 00:07:19,674
Damn it, ghosts!
203
00:07:19,774 --> 00:07:22,410
That falls squarely
in the shenanigans zone!
204
00:07:22,510 --> 00:07:24,011
Shenanigans Zone.
205
00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:25,413
I used to take Laura there
when she was a little girl.
206
00:07:25,513 --> 00:07:26,547
Great pizza.
207
00:07:26,647 --> 00:07:28,416
Maybe this isn't a problem.
208
00:07:28,516 --> 00:07:30,151
Maybe this guy loves drugs.
209
00:07:30,251 --> 00:07:31,585
This is really bad.
210
00:07:31,686 --> 00:07:33,187
Even if he doesn't find it,
211
00:07:33,287 --> 00:07:35,957
he could get busted when he goes
through security at the airport.
212
00:07:36,057 --> 00:07:39,527
We're not gonna get on the list
if Paul's in jail, Sam.
213
00:07:39,627 --> 00:07:41,329
Why don't you just
ask for the box back?
214
00:07:41,429 --> 00:07:42,462
We can't take it back.
215
00:07:42,563 --> 00:07:44,031
-He loves it.
-Plus,
216
00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:45,633
if you ask for it back now,
it's just going to seem
217
00:07:45,733 --> 00:07:47,101
like you heard him say
how valuable it was
218
00:07:47,201 --> 00:07:49,537
and that you wanted to keep it
for yourselves.
219
00:07:49,637 --> 00:07:51,339
I'm sorry I suggested that box.
220
00:07:51,439 --> 00:07:53,908
Another typical Eugene screwup.
221
00:07:54,008 --> 00:07:55,142
Stupid Eugene.
222
00:07:55,242 --> 00:07:56,978
Look, this ain't that hard.
223
00:07:57,078 --> 00:07:58,713
You just got to wait for him
to leave the room, find the box,
224
00:07:58,813 --> 00:08:00,815
empty out the drugs
and then put the box back.
225
00:08:00,915 --> 00:08:02,984
I've done this a million times.
226
00:08:03,084 --> 00:08:04,618
Alberta's saying we should
sneak into the room,
227
00:08:04,719 --> 00:08:06,387
take the box
and get rid of the drugs.
228
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:07,755
All I'm hearing are
229
00:08:07,855 --> 00:08:09,489
"shenanigans, shenanigans,
shenanigans."
230
00:08:09,590 --> 00:08:11,425
One seat at every table
had a whoopee cushion.
231
00:08:11,525 --> 00:08:13,861
Shenanigans.
232
00:08:13,961 --> 00:08:16,397
Oh, can we watch
that murder show again?
233
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,866
I just want to watch whatever
Thor wants to watch.
234
00:08:18,966 --> 00:08:23,204
He's a big strong man and he
makes all my decisions for me.
235
00:08:23,304 --> 00:08:24,605
What now?
236
00:08:24,705 --> 00:08:25,973
I'm sorry, is everything okay
between you two?
237
00:08:26,073 --> 00:08:28,342
Flower little upset
because I put foot down,
238
00:08:28,442 --> 00:08:30,011
decide to keep chair in room
239
00:08:30,111 --> 00:08:33,014
despite being made
from promiscuous cow.
240
00:08:33,114 --> 00:08:34,982
Uh, o-okay, hold on,
I-I don't mean to butt in,
241
00:08:35,082 --> 00:08:36,550
but it sounds like
maybe you guys
242
00:08:36,650 --> 00:08:38,753
are having some
problems communicating.
243
00:08:38,853 --> 00:08:40,254
You know I'd be happy to help.
244
00:08:40,354 --> 00:08:41,922
I was a travel agent.
245
00:08:42,723 --> 00:08:44,058
-So?
-So, being a travel agent
246
00:08:44,158 --> 00:08:46,627
is basically like being
a couples counselor.
247
00:08:46,727 --> 00:08:48,029
One person wants to go to Fiji.
248
00:08:48,129 --> 00:08:49,897
The other person wants
to go to Paris.
249
00:08:49,997 --> 00:08:52,266
Well, it was my job to help them
find common ground.
250
00:08:52,366 --> 00:08:54,602
And steer them toward Orlando.
251
00:08:54,702 --> 00:08:56,237
You can't beat it.
252
00:08:56,337 --> 00:08:58,639
God, that place is the best.
253
00:08:58,739 --> 00:09:00,374
You missed a spot.
254
00:09:00,474 --> 00:09:02,043
Oh, I'm just pretending.
255
00:09:02,143 --> 00:09:04,078
I'm waiting for Paul to leave
so I can get into his room.
256
00:09:04,178 --> 00:09:05,913
It seems just as easy
to actually dust
257
00:09:06,013 --> 00:09:08,916
as it is to pretend to dust.
258
00:09:09,016 --> 00:09:10,117
Can you not right now?
259
00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:11,919
Okay, he just left
to go on a walk.
260
00:09:12,019 --> 00:09:14,855
Isaac, let us know
if he comes back!
261
00:09:14,955 --> 00:09:16,190
Will do!
262
00:09:16,290 --> 00:09:19,528
I was a captain, I think
I can handle a simple lookout.
263
00:09:19,627 --> 00:09:21,362
-Hey, man.
-Hello, Eugene.
264
00:09:21,462 --> 00:09:22,763
I can't be bothered right now.
265
00:09:22,863 --> 00:09:25,066
I'm carrying out a very
important mission.
266
00:09:25,166 --> 00:09:26,267
That's cool.
267
00:09:26,367 --> 00:09:27,935
Crazy about the cult, huh?
268
00:09:28,035 --> 00:09:29,937
Indeed.
269
00:09:30,037 --> 00:09:32,973
I heard you got in
on the first try.
270
00:09:33,741 --> 00:09:36,210
Really? You heard about that?
271
00:09:36,310 --> 00:09:38,079
Yeah, you're, like,
the talk of the cult.
272
00:09:38,179 --> 00:09:39,914
- How did you do it,
by the way?
273
00:09:40,014 --> 00:09:41,949
It's like unheard of.
274
00:09:42,049 --> 00:09:44,285
Uh, well, you see, Eugene,
it's all about...
275
00:09:44,385 --> 00:09:45,719
confidence.
276
00:09:45,820 --> 00:09:48,189
Now when confidence
meets competence, well,
277
00:09:48,289 --> 00:09:51,592
then you get something
very special.
278
00:09:52,359 --> 00:09:53,794
Now press on this part
with your thumb
279
00:09:53,894 --> 00:09:55,463
to release the false bottom.
280
00:09:55,564 --> 00:09:57,098
I got it.
281
00:09:57,198 --> 00:10:00,034
Now do a little
and describe it to me.
282
00:10:00,134 --> 00:10:01,735
Slowly.
283
00:10:01,836 --> 00:10:04,305
Sam! He's coming!
He came back early.
284
00:10:04,405 --> 00:10:05,706
No.
285
00:10:05,806 --> 00:10:08,042
- Uh...
- Uh...
286
00:10:12,581 --> 00:10:14,181
Under the bed?
287
00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:15,416
That's what you chose?
288
00:10:15,517 --> 00:10:16,817
Sam, you work here.
289
00:10:16,917 --> 00:10:18,886
You could've been
changing towels,
290
00:10:18,986 --> 00:10:21,322
or re-triangling
the toilet paper.
291
00:10:22,156 --> 00:10:23,824
Oh, and now he's sitting down
to read a book.
292
00:10:23,924 --> 00:10:25,860
Boy, are you in a big mess.
293
00:10:27,495 --> 00:10:30,464
Thank you for agreeing
to do couples therapy
294
00:10:30,565 --> 00:10:31,966
with a licensed travel agent.
295
00:10:32,066 --> 00:10:33,868
I think you've made
a very wise decision.
296
00:10:33,968 --> 00:10:36,203
Do travel agents need licenses?
297
00:10:36,303 --> 00:10:38,540
They do not
but I made one for myself.
298
00:10:38,639 --> 00:10:39,974
Laminated it and everything.
299
00:10:40,074 --> 00:10:42,710
Now, uh, Flower,
you were saying you didn't like
300
00:10:42,810 --> 00:10:44,778
how Thor handled
this disagreement.
301
00:10:44,879 --> 00:10:47,915
Yeah, he was just
so stubborn about it.
302
00:10:48,015 --> 00:10:50,751
Argument is like battle--
303
00:10:50,851 --> 00:10:53,320
it must be won at all costs.
304
00:10:53,420 --> 00:10:55,156
It is actually very similar
305
00:10:55,256 --> 00:10:59,260
to disagreement Thor have
long ago with Viking wife Olga.
306
00:11:00,094 --> 00:11:03,898
Olga, I have returned
from battle victorious.
307
00:11:03,998 --> 00:11:06,535
Oh, Thor, how I've missed you.
308
00:11:06,635 --> 00:11:10,004
Thor think about you whole time.
309
00:11:10,104 --> 00:11:14,708
In fact, Thor bring you back
souvenir from Denmark.
310
00:11:16,578 --> 00:11:18,045
Is Dane head.
311
00:11:18,145 --> 00:11:21,650
Will look perfect on beam,
tie room together.
312
00:11:23,217 --> 00:11:25,186
Huh? Huh?
313
00:11:25,286 --> 00:11:27,622
So you're saying
she didn't want to hang
314
00:11:27,721 --> 00:11:28,989
a severed head
in your living room?
315
00:11:29,089 --> 00:11:31,926
Yeah, Olga want Thor
to put head in fish room
316
00:11:32,026 --> 00:11:33,327
where no one see.
317
00:11:33,427 --> 00:11:36,130
But Thor get his way,
Thor not back down.
318
00:11:36,230 --> 00:11:38,999
Thor win argument.
319
00:11:39,099 --> 00:11:40,935
Like battle, you see?
320
00:11:41,035 --> 00:11:42,403
The only thing I see
321
00:11:42,504 --> 00:11:44,371
is that you're making
the exact same mistakes
322
00:11:44,471 --> 00:11:47,408
in our relationship as you made
with Olga a thousand years ago.
323
00:11:47,509 --> 00:11:48,543
No, I'm not.
324
00:11:48,643 --> 00:11:49,678
Yes, you are.
325
00:11:49,777 --> 00:11:50,811
No!
326
00:11:50,911 --> 00:11:52,780
Whatever. This is pointless.
327
00:11:54,649 --> 00:11:56,250
No, it's not!
328
00:11:58,786 --> 00:12:01,155
And just like that...
329
00:12:01,255 --> 00:12:02,856
battle won.
330
00:12:03,658 --> 00:12:04,925
Right.
331
00:12:05,025 --> 00:12:06,528
I was going to take a walk
332
00:12:06,628 --> 00:12:07,962
but it looked like rain.
333
00:12:08,062 --> 00:12:09,396
Don't panic, Samantha.
334
00:12:09,496 --> 00:12:11,700
This conversation sounds
like it's winding down,
335
00:12:11,799 --> 00:12:12,967
after which point
he'll surely leave.
336
00:12:13,067 --> 00:12:14,201
Oh, no.
337
00:12:14,301 --> 00:12:17,304
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
338
00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:19,773
- Tell me everything.
- Oy gevalt!
339
00:12:19,873 --> 00:12:21,342
Where is Jay, already?
340
00:12:21,442 --> 00:12:23,578
I thought you texted Jay.
341
00:12:23,678 --> 00:12:25,446
Hey, Paul.
342
00:12:25,547 --> 00:12:26,981
Ooh, I'll call you right back.
343
00:12:27,081 --> 00:12:28,516
And here is Jay,
344
00:12:28,617 --> 00:12:30,451
armed with what I am sure
is a can't-miss gambit.
345
00:12:30,552 --> 00:12:32,920
You... want to see a lizard
on the porch?
346
00:12:33,020 --> 00:12:34,989
Oh, I'm deathly allergic
to lizards.
347
00:12:35,089 --> 00:12:36,725
But thank you for the warning.
348
00:12:36,824 --> 00:12:37,958
I'll stay right here.
349
00:12:38,058 --> 00:12:39,527
Come on, Jay.
350
00:12:39,628 --> 00:12:41,262
Actually, why don't you
come down to the restaurant.
351
00:12:41,362 --> 00:12:43,531
I made some hors d'oeuvres
special for you.
352
00:12:43,632 --> 00:12:46,735
Um, yeah, thank you,
that sounds very nice.
353
00:12:46,834 --> 00:12:48,737
Let me just change
into my loafers.
354
00:12:48,836 --> 00:12:51,772
Now, where are my loafers?
355
00:12:52,574 --> 00:12:53,742
Ah.
356
00:12:53,841 --> 00:12:54,908
Oh, he's gonna
look under the bed.
357
00:12:55,009 --> 00:12:57,011
Oh, damn it, Samantha.
358
00:12:57,111 --> 00:12:58,479
If you had partook,
359
00:12:58,580 --> 00:12:59,748
you would at least
be high as a kite right now.
360
00:12:59,847 --> 00:13:02,216
Sam! Here he comes.
361
00:13:02,316 --> 00:13:03,384
What the hell?
362
00:13:03,484 --> 00:13:05,819
Here's your loafers.
363
00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:13,227
-Samantha? Hi.
-Hi.
364
00:13:14,228 --> 00:13:15,229
Hi.
365
00:13:15,329 --> 00:13:16,531
Eventually,
she's gonna have to say
366
00:13:16,631 --> 00:13:17,798
something other than "hi."
367
00:13:17,898 --> 00:13:19,668
He got by me. I don't know how.
368
00:13:19,768 --> 00:13:20,669
So...
369
00:13:20,769 --> 00:13:22,102
It's a funny story.
370
00:13:22,269 --> 00:13:24,639
I was just coming in here
to change the sheets,
371
00:13:24,739 --> 00:13:26,073
and I lost a contact lens,
372
00:13:26,173 --> 00:13:28,876
which I could've sworn
rolled under the bed.
373
00:13:28,976 --> 00:13:31,278
You know, I've seen
a lot of innkeepers
374
00:13:31,378 --> 00:13:34,315
try a lot of different things
to gain an advantage--
375
00:13:34,415 --> 00:13:36,917
hidden cameras,
listening at the door--
376
00:13:37,017 --> 00:13:39,186
but hiding under a bed?
377
00:13:39,286 --> 00:13:42,791
No, it's nothing like that.
I just, I-I have narcolepsy.
378
00:13:42,890 --> 00:13:44,291
I fell asleep.
379
00:13:44,391 --> 00:13:45,893
Well, that settles that.
Paul, would you like to see
380
00:13:45,993 --> 00:13:47,161
our magical creek?
381
00:13:47,261 --> 00:13:49,129
My cousin has narcolepsy.
382
00:13:49,229 --> 00:13:50,464
What do you take for it?
383
00:13:50,565 --> 00:13:52,634
Oh, no.
He's testing you, Samantha.
384
00:13:52,734 --> 00:13:55,069
Tread carefully.
385
00:13:55,169 --> 00:13:58,372
There is no medication
for narcolepsy.
386
00:13:59,139 --> 00:14:00,742
There are several.
387
00:14:00,841 --> 00:14:02,577
-Right.
-Listen, I don't know what
you two are up to,
388
00:14:02,677 --> 00:14:05,312
but I've seen enough
to know that Woodstone B and B
389
00:14:05,412 --> 00:14:08,415
is nowhere near
worthy of my list.
390
00:14:08,516 --> 00:14:10,150
Please leave my room.
391
00:14:10,250 --> 00:14:11,686
Sorry.
392
00:14:11,786 --> 00:14:13,788
I rode a narcoleptic horse once.
393
00:14:13,887 --> 00:14:15,523
It was a short ride.
394
00:14:16,624 --> 00:14:17,891
Let me ask you something, Thor.
395
00:14:17,991 --> 00:14:20,562
After you "won"
this argument with Olga
396
00:14:20,662 --> 00:14:22,096
about the Dane's head,
397
00:14:22,196 --> 00:14:23,765
was anything different
between you two?
398
00:14:23,864 --> 00:14:27,635
Now that you mention it,
maybe there were a few things.
399
00:14:27,736 --> 00:14:30,337
Olga really not want
to hang out in that room.
400
00:14:30,437 --> 00:14:34,843
She not want to watch fire
with Thor anymore.
401
00:14:34,942 --> 00:14:36,578
Made Thor very lonely.
402
00:14:36,678 --> 00:14:38,178
That's tough.
403
00:14:38,278 --> 00:14:40,782
Thor, are you familiar
with the concept
404
00:14:40,881 --> 00:14:42,584
of a pyrrhic victory?
405
00:14:42,684 --> 00:14:44,251
I think you know answer to that.
406
00:14:44,351 --> 00:14:47,321
Well, it was named after
a king who won a battle,
407
00:14:47,421 --> 00:14:49,490
but he lost so many men
in the process
408
00:14:49,591 --> 00:14:51,992
that he realized it
may not have been worth it.
409
00:14:52,092 --> 00:14:53,994
And in the end, he lost the war.
410
00:14:54,094 --> 00:14:57,998
Whoa. So sometimes, someone can
411
00:14:58,098 --> 00:15:00,300
win battle of argument
412
00:15:00,401 --> 00:15:04,004
but lose war of relationship.
413
00:15:04,104 --> 00:15:05,707
Not exactly how
I would put it, but, yeah,
414
00:15:05,807 --> 00:15:07,742
it seems like you're
getting the general concept.
415
00:15:07,842 --> 00:15:09,744
Yes!
416
00:15:09,844 --> 00:15:12,346
Thor win therapy.
417
00:15:12,446 --> 00:15:13,180
Sure.
418
00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:14,849
I can't believe this.
419
00:15:14,948 --> 00:15:16,283
We screwed up so bad.
420
00:15:16,383 --> 00:15:19,052
Babe, we can't
beat ourselves up.
421
00:15:19,153 --> 00:15:20,688
Who would have guessed
that there would've been
422
00:15:20,789 --> 00:15:23,591
a bunch of cocaine
in an old wooden box?
423
00:15:23,691 --> 00:15:27,461
Yes, who indeed?
424
00:15:27,562 --> 00:15:29,163
Oh, wait. Me.
425
00:15:29,263 --> 00:15:31,265
-What are you talking about?
-Pretty ironic, huh?
426
00:15:31,365 --> 00:15:33,167
The so-called
screwup of the family
427
00:15:33,267 --> 00:15:34,903
flawlessly executes
a revenge plan?
428
00:15:35,002 --> 00:15:37,605
I was the one who suggested
429
00:15:37,705 --> 00:15:38,773
the box in the first place,
430
00:15:38,873 --> 00:15:40,441
which I knew, from family lore,
431
00:15:40,542 --> 00:15:43,444
is where Hetty Woodstone
kept her stash.
432
00:15:43,545 --> 00:15:46,480
Using cocaine
for nefarious purposes?
433
00:15:46,581 --> 00:15:47,849
How dare you?
434
00:15:47,948 --> 00:15:49,584
Then I intentionally
distracted Isaac
435
00:15:49,684 --> 00:15:50,718
so that Paul would
436
00:15:50,819 --> 00:15:52,085
catch you in his room.
437
00:15:52,186 --> 00:15:53,454
That is no way to treat
438
00:15:53,555 --> 00:15:54,689
a cult brother.
439
00:15:54,789 --> 00:15:57,057
Is it because I got in
on the first try? Hmm?
440
00:15:57,157 --> 00:15:58,927
- Is it jealousy?
- I don't understand.
441
00:15:59,026 --> 00:16:00,762
Why would you do this?
442
00:16:00,862 --> 00:16:03,832
Because I hate the Woodstones.
443
00:16:03,932 --> 00:16:06,200
This family
treated me like a freak
444
00:16:06,300 --> 00:16:08,101
just because I was different.
445
00:16:08,202 --> 00:16:09,737
Hey, how do you feel
about tacos tonight?
446
00:16:09,838 --> 00:16:12,907
Shh. I think Eugene is doing
his villain origin story,
447
00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:15,075
but, yeah, tacos do sound good.
448
00:16:15,175 --> 00:16:16,611
I never fit in.
449
00:16:16,711 --> 00:16:18,613
I marched to the beat
of my own drum.
450
00:16:18,713 --> 00:16:22,483
I told my parents I wanted
to go to magic school.
451
00:16:22,584 --> 00:16:24,117
-Is that a real thing?
-I don't know,
452
00:16:24,218 --> 00:16:26,621
but I want
to stuff this guy in a locker.
453
00:16:26,721 --> 00:16:28,155
But my parents forced me
to go to a fancy college.
454
00:16:28,255 --> 00:16:29,691
I couldn't keep up.
455
00:16:29,791 --> 00:16:32,059
Eventually, when I flunked out,
they told me
456
00:16:32,159 --> 00:16:35,295
I didn't deserve
the Woodstone name.
457
00:16:35,395 --> 00:16:39,233
Eugene, I just have one thing
to say to you after all of this.
458
00:16:40,467 --> 00:16:41,435
I'm sorry.
459
00:16:41,536 --> 00:16:42,704
What?
460
00:16:43,605 --> 00:16:47,642
For generations, we Woodstones
have spent too much time
461
00:16:47,742 --> 00:16:50,645
concealing anything that
made us seem less than perfect.
462
00:16:50,745 --> 00:16:53,848
I spent a century
hiding my son's crimes
463
00:16:53,948 --> 00:16:55,917
and also...
464
00:16:56,016 --> 00:16:58,085
the nature of my own demise,
465
00:16:58,185 --> 00:17:00,087
and it only ever
led to isolation
466
00:17:00,187 --> 00:17:03,357
and loneliness,
so I say no more.
467
00:17:03,457 --> 00:17:05,627
Yes! They got
the poblano tonight.
468
00:17:05,727 --> 00:17:09,998
Shame is a problem that is
passed down in families,
469
00:17:10,097 --> 00:17:11,431
not unlike the Woodstone tail.
470
00:17:11,533 --> 00:17:15,803
And the only cure
for shame is sunlight.
471
00:17:15,904 --> 00:17:18,472
Which, unfortunately, is not
a cure for the Woodstone tail.
472
00:17:18,573 --> 00:17:19,507
They tried that.
473
00:17:19,607 --> 00:17:22,342
Thank you
for saying that, Hetty.
474
00:17:23,745 --> 00:17:25,412
I agree with Hetty.
475
00:17:25,513 --> 00:17:27,147
I don't condone your actions,
476
00:17:27,247 --> 00:17:30,350
but I do understand them now,
477
00:17:30,450 --> 00:17:31,819
and I think I have an idea.
478
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:35,023
Oh, is it to see
if you can hang a coat on it?
479
00:17:35,122 --> 00:17:36,758
On what?
480
00:17:38,125 --> 00:17:40,562
Come on.
481
00:17:40,662 --> 00:17:42,664
Paul, we need to talk to you.
482
00:17:42,764 --> 00:17:44,632
Thank you,
but I'm not interested
483
00:17:44,732 --> 00:17:46,968
in hearing
any more fabrications.
484
00:17:47,067 --> 00:17:49,771
That's just it.
I was lying to you.
485
00:17:50,738 --> 00:17:52,974
I snuck into your room to steal
back the box we gave you
486
00:17:53,073 --> 00:17:54,642
because...
487
00:17:54,742 --> 00:17:56,010
it's full of cocaine.
488
00:17:56,109 --> 00:17:57,177
Excuse me?
489
00:17:57,277 --> 00:17:58,713
Girl, what are you doing?
490
00:17:58,813 --> 00:18:00,247
We didn't realize
there were drugs in it
491
00:18:00,347 --> 00:18:01,315
when we gave it to you,
492
00:18:01,415 --> 00:18:02,917
but the truth is, an antique box
493
00:18:03,017 --> 00:18:05,053
full of 19th-century narcotics
494
00:18:05,152 --> 00:18:06,721
perfectly epitomizes
this family.
495
00:18:06,821 --> 00:18:10,692
I've been so preoccupied
trying to paint a rosy picture.
496
00:18:10,792 --> 00:18:13,226
This property's history
is so much messier
497
00:18:13,327 --> 00:18:14,629
and so much more interesting.
498
00:18:14,729 --> 00:18:18,066
Like Hetty,
the woman who owned that box?
499
00:18:18,165 --> 00:18:21,101
Her son murdered
a jazz singer right inside
500
00:18:21,201 --> 00:18:22,837
- this house.
- And Hetty's husband,
501
00:18:22,937 --> 00:18:24,772
he was this brutal
robber baron who died
502
00:18:24,872 --> 00:18:27,240
before he could be held
accountable for his sins.
503
00:18:27,341 --> 00:18:30,078
He suffocated in a secret
vault in the basement.
504
00:18:30,177 --> 00:18:31,211
And he was riddled
505
00:18:31,311 --> 00:18:33,447
with syphilis.
Add that please.
506
00:18:33,548 --> 00:18:35,683
Right out there on the lawn,
an innocent cuckold
507
00:18:35,783 --> 00:18:38,318
was shot through the neck
by a ten-year-old girl.
508
00:18:38,418 --> 00:18:41,022
Okay. I guess it's just
nice to be included.
509
00:18:41,121 --> 00:18:44,458
This mansion's history is
full of bootlegging and murder
510
00:18:44,559 --> 00:18:46,794
-and war and...
-Syphilis.
511
00:18:46,894 --> 00:18:48,096
...syphilis.
512
00:18:48,195 --> 00:18:49,363
The point is that
513
00:18:49,463 --> 00:18:51,599
I was so worried
that Woodstone's flaws
514
00:18:51,699 --> 00:18:53,200
would stop us
from being on the list,
515
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:54,702
but honestly?
516
00:18:54,802 --> 00:18:56,971
I think you should
put us on it because of them.
517
00:18:57,071 --> 00:18:58,940
Well?
518
00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:02,275
What do you think, Paul?
519
00:19:02,376 --> 00:19:04,812
You're telling me
this box is full of cocaine?
520
00:19:04,912 --> 00:19:07,214
Uh, yeah.
521
00:19:07,314 --> 00:19:08,248
Can I keep it?
522
00:19:08,348 --> 00:19:09,784
Excuse me?
523
00:19:09,884 --> 00:19:12,687
If I can keep it,
you make the list.
524
00:19:12,787 --> 00:19:13,988
And there it is.
525
00:19:14,088 --> 00:19:16,824
There's a little bit
of Woodstone in all of us.
526
00:19:16,924 --> 00:19:18,126
It's yours.
527
00:19:18,225 --> 00:19:19,359
Great.
528
00:19:19,459 --> 00:19:21,395
We'll be in touch.
Congratulations.
529
00:19:21,495 --> 00:19:23,531
Well, thank you.
530
00:19:23,631 --> 00:19:25,867
It didn't go
how I expected it to go
531
00:19:25,967 --> 00:19:28,301
but it'll make a hell of a tale.
532
00:19:28,402 --> 00:19:30,838
Come on, man.
533
00:19:35,342 --> 00:19:37,210
-What are we watching?
-Oh, House Hunters.
534
00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:39,413
No, I mean what is that thing?
535
00:19:39,514 --> 00:19:41,214
That's a television, sweetie.
536
00:19:41,314 --> 00:19:42,884
Oh, right on.
537
00:19:42,984 --> 00:19:45,953
Flower, do you have moment?
538
00:19:46,054 --> 00:19:47,555
What do you want, Thor?
539
00:19:47,689 --> 00:19:50,490
Thor want to talk to you about
argument we have earlier.
540
00:19:50,591 --> 00:19:52,093
-Hmm.
-If Flower
541
00:19:52,192 --> 00:19:53,427
not want chair in our room,
542
00:19:53,528 --> 00:19:54,929
then we can get rid of chair
543
00:19:55,029 --> 00:19:57,832
because relationship
about compromise,
544
00:19:57,932 --> 00:20:02,036
and compromise mean
doing what woman want.
545
00:20:02,136 --> 00:20:03,270
Really, Thor?
546
00:20:03,370 --> 00:20:04,806
Do you mean that?
547
00:20:04,906 --> 00:20:07,809
Thor may be oldest ghost
but sometimes
548
00:20:07,909 --> 00:20:09,610
slowest to learn lesson.
549
00:20:09,711 --> 00:20:12,814
But if Flower
willing to be patient,
550
00:20:12,914 --> 00:20:14,749
Thor will make effort
551
00:20:14,849 --> 00:20:17,185
because Flower worth it.
552
00:20:17,284 --> 00:20:20,922
Aw, you're worth it too,
big guy.
553
00:20:22,422 --> 00:20:24,458
-Love making is imminent!
-Yay!
554
00:20:24,559 --> 00:20:26,728
Aw! But they're
about to pick the house.
555
00:20:26,828 --> 00:20:28,663
Can't y'all just go
into a different room?
556
00:20:28,763 --> 00:20:30,297
No, too late.
557
00:20:30,397 --> 00:20:31,999
Process has already started.
558
00:20:32,100 --> 00:20:34,468
Sorry. You're welcome
to watch, join in.
559
00:20:34,569 --> 00:20:36,070
Cheering is appreciated.
560
00:20:36,170 --> 00:20:37,872
Mm-mm, I'm going, I'm going.
561
00:20:37,972 --> 00:20:39,239
Let me know what happens.
562
00:20:39,339 --> 00:20:41,308
-Well, first Thor is going to...
-No, I meant
563
00:20:41,408 --> 00:20:43,077
the show!
564
00:20:43,177 --> 00:20:45,680
God darn, you freaks.