0 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:02,638 - Will you marry me? - No. 1 00:00:02,680 --> 00:00:05,797 I think there's got to be one more cock! 2 00:00:05,840 --> 00:00:06,909 Out there! 3 00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:09,679 You're 46 years old, he is never going to have sex with you. 4 00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:11,358 He is never ever going to have sex with you, never! 5 00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:13,675 It's all been a bit mental. 6 00:00:13,720 --> 00:00:15,517 - I sort of got lost. - I've met someone. 7 00:00:17,240 --> 00:00:19,196 Don't you touch me! 8 00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:49,468 You look nice. 9 00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:50,748 Thank you. 10 00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:52,677 We'll see you later. 11 00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:56,197 You... You don't have to come. 12 00:00:56,240 --> 00:00:58,117 Day off work with full pay. 13 00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:13,278 - Morning. - Hi. 14 00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:15,197 That's a very good shower. 15 00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:16,355 It is, isn't it? 16 00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:18,231 I think you should ring the bell while I'm here. 17 00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:19,474 Is that OK? 18 00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:21,192 Well, it's my house. 19 00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:22,559 Hmm, it's half mine. 20 00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:25,996 - How are you? - Exhausted. 21 00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:30,955 Rosemary sends her apologies, she did try to make it. 22 00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:32,479 I know, she texted. 23 00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:34,272 Ah. 24 00:01:34,320 --> 00:01:36,231 - That'll be Cleo. - Yeah. 25 00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:39,357 I can't believe I beeped! 26 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:41,789 Oh, my God. Sorry, force of habit. 27 00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:43,193 I'm so sorry. 28 00:01:43,240 --> 00:01:47,518 Hey, that's OK. Aw, thank you, sweetheart. 29 00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:48,913 Look, Auntie Marie's here. 30 00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:50,313 Bad day, man. 31 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:53,272 - Ah, thanks. You look smart. - Hm. 32 00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:55,311 - Nice of you to come. - I wanted to pay my respects. 33 00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:56,588 Well, very kind of you. 34 00:01:56,640 --> 00:02:00,110 This is my Auntie Marie... Lance's sister... 35 00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:03,391 Bloody Tomasz?! He can't ride in the funeral car, he's not family. 36 00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:05,954 Well, is he? I don't know. Are they boyfriends or not? 37 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:07,433 - Well... have you asked? - I did. 38 00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:09,152 He said, ' "Mum, don't be so old-fashioned.'" 39 00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:11,555 And then he asked me for 20 quid cos that never gets old, does it? 40 00:02:11,600 --> 00:02:13,431 How are you? 41 00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:17,678 I'm OK. Here he comes. 42 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:19,517 I thought it best to tell you before the funeral, 43 00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:22,120 just in case it goes public, but... 44 00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:26,716 I've been informed that Daniel Coltrane has instructed a new defence team. 45 00:02:26,760 --> 00:02:27,795 What for? 46 00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:30,149 But he confessed. He said that he did it, he said so. 47 00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:31,633 I know, yeah. 48 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:33,511 He was the one who called the police. 49 00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:36,552 He sat there with Lance's body for three hours, he told them. 50 00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:38,033 He's now claiming provocation. 51 00:02:38,080 --> 00:02:39,354 Oh, Jesus. 52 00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:41,595 He's saying that Lance made a pass at him and he lashed out. 53 00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:43,358 Gay panic. 54 00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:46,392 The defence is known as gay panic. 55 00:02:51,640 --> 00:02:55,872 You lot, shut up. Just shut up, I'm telling you, shut up! 56 00:02:59,640 --> 00:03:01,437 The court won't recognise it. 57 00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:05,268 Homosexual panic, it's not allowed as a defence on its own. 58 00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:06,548 But this means we're going to trial. 59 00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:10,275 If he changes his story, there's got to be a trial, is that right? 60 00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:11,514 The thing is, he's insane. 61 00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:13,676 And, I mean, genuinely, he's in a state of collapse. 62 00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:15,995 Tomorrow he might say something completely different. 63 00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:18,315 - Can he stop the funeral? - Oh, you're kidding. 64 00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:21,477 No, he can't, the body's been released, he can't do that. 65 00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:25,638 But if it does go to court... he can say all this, out loud? 66 00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:27,159 He can say it was Lance's fault? 67 00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:28,633 Yeah. 68 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:30,432 And could it work? 69 00:03:30,480 --> 00:03:33,233 Is there any chance it could actually work? 70 00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:34,679 No. 71 00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:38,596 Although... if he claims sexual assault, 72 00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:40,520 we might be looking at manslaughter, not murder. 73 00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:44,958 - What's that for? - What? 74 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:46,399 Why you lookin' at me? 75 00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:48,759 I can go and see him. 76 00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:51,109 I know he's turned down your request. Unless, Henry, you want to try and? 77 00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:53,037 I don't want to see him, no. 78 00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:54,080 Understood. 79 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:58,909 But I could get to see him, to represent you, if you want? 80 00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:01,269 And obviously I could take a statement. 81 00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:04,232 Have a briefcase with me, files and a pen. 82 00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:08,113 Because solicitors get searched entering a prison just like everyone else, 83 00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:09,275 but I'd still have a pen. 84 00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:11,912 Because a pen is all I'd need, really. 85 00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:15,391 I think it would take me a second to lean across 86 00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:17,271 and insert the pen through his throat. 87 00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:21,836 Right here. At the base. Straight through to the spine. 88 00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:23,996 I could do that. 89 00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:27,157 He'd bleed out in seconds. Dead. 90 00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:29,360 So... 91 00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:32,437 ...that's what I'll do. 92 00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:34,550 With your permission. 93 00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:35,600 Yeah. 94 00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:36,640 Absolutely. 95 00:04:36,680 --> 00:04:38,079 That would be excellent. 96 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:41,352 Thank you. 97 00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:46,111 It's like it says in the old song, ' "I scarce can take it in.'" 98 00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:49,118 - Thanks for coming. - Tell you what, it's invigorated me! 99 00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:50,718 I'm bloody burning with rage! 100 00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:52,637 And you remember Cleo? 101 00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:54,318 Thank you so much for coming. 102 00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:55,918 - Thank you. - Bless you. 103 00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:57,359 Help yourself to the buffet. 104 00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:02,794 Oh! Aw... 105 00:05:02,840 --> 00:05:06,071 - I'm so sorry, Mr B. - Hey, that's all right. 106 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:09,749 It's OK. 107 00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:13,076 Oh, darling, come here. Oh... 108 00:05:13,120 --> 00:05:14,760 Turns out he had a father and everything. 109 00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:17,360 Daniel? Yeah, he told us he only moved here cos of his job, 110 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:19,994 but his ex-wife says he's got a father in Chorlton in sheltered housing. 111 00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:21,439 78 years old, no-one knew. 112 00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:23,789 He lied about everything, he is such a liar. 113 00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:26,718 Right, and this is my sister, Cleo. 114 00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:29,752 - We met at that open day. Hello, hi. - Oh, we did. You all right? 115 00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:31,438 Please help yourself to the buffet. 116 00:05:37,680 --> 00:05:41,593 Remember what I said - don't let this define you, OK? 117 00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:44,552 Yeah. And... you've met Cleo? 118 00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:47,751 Listen to me, though. You didn't die with him, OK? 119 00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:49,756 Yes! Thank you, yes. 120 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:52,593 Nice of you to come, Freddie. 121 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:57,150 Oh, I'm fucking furious. 122 00:05:57,200 --> 00:06:00,112 - Oh, Nelly, I thought you were dead. - I was, for a while. 123 00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:01,957 I'm furious, though, that murdering fuck! 124 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:04,036 - Cleo, you remember Nelly? - Drayton Manor. 125 00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:05,672 I ended up with Nelly on a pedalo. 126 00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:07,950 - You look fucking gorgeous. - Oh, baby! 127 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:10,036 - Thank you for coming, sweetheart. - I'll see you later. 128 00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:11,080 See you later. 129 00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:13,111 But what are we doing here?! 130 00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:14,991 He didn't like cricket, did he? 131 00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:17,838 No, it was Marie's idea, cos Marie didn't like using a pub, 132 00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:19,711 and whatever Marie says goes. 133 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:26,635 Elaine sends her love. She couldn't make it, she's got the kids. 134 00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:29,353 Oh, yeah, I know, just look around - there's no Elaine, there's no Max. 135 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:31,436 There's no sign of Sally and her gang. 136 00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:33,152 There's no-one from Johnson's, there's no-one from Picardie's... 137 00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:34,189 - And I'm Cleo, we... - Cos that's what happens... 138 00:06:34,240 --> 00:06:35,673 - We go way back. ...when it's a murder. Apparently! 139 00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:37,073 Everyone's too embarrassed to come. 140 00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:38,235 They warned us with the buffet. 141 00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:40,475 They said, '"If you're expecting 100, you'll only get 50.'" 142 00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:42,795 This is Cleo. Thanks for coming, I'm starving. 143 00:06:42,840 --> 00:06:44,319 Ah... 144 00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:55,237 - Marie, you all right? - Hi, Louis. 145 00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:58,795 Thank you. Hi, Tash, how're you doing? 146 00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:01,991 - Thanks... Thanks so much for coming. - That's all right. 147 00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:03,917 Thanks so much for coming. 148 00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:05,712 - Yeah. - It's really good of you. 149 00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:07,113 I've rediscovered cabbage. 150 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:12,473 It turns out if you shred it, add salt, pepper and butter, it's delicious. 151 00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:16,798 You only cook it for five minutes, boil it vigorously- five minutes flat - 152 00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:21,356 then serve, because if you cook it for too long, that's when it gets smelly. 153 00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:24,517 Boil it hard, nice and fast, lid down tight. 154 00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:26,676 Ooh, like cooking a live rat! 155 00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:29,792 I've got a girlfriend now - Kelly Hassan. 156 00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:31,592 She's in Year 12. 157 00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:34,154 She'd seen me online, so we sort of hooked up. 158 00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:37,351 So, poor old Tomasz, what about him, has he been dumped? 159 00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:38,879 He's got a girlfriend, too. 160 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:41,990 And her name's... Kelly Hassan. 161 00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:46,477 You're... both going out with the same girl? But... 162 00:07:46,520 --> 00:07:48,476 What is that - threesome? 163 00:07:48,520 --> 00:07:51,432 Oh, my God. 164 00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:54,552 Nobody says that any more. 165 00:07:57,480 --> 00:07:59,232 OK, enough. 166 00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:03,398 I told her. Everyone's going to think she's Lance's secret daughter. 167 00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:04,440 Well, exactly. 168 00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:09,716 I just wanted to say how sorry I am. 169 00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:12,874 Well, how are you bearing up? 170 00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:16,434 Oh, um... OK, you know. 171 00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:20,712 Well, I don't mean to intrude, but I've got to drive back, I... really can't stay. 172 00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:24,638 - Uh! I'm Susan Driscoll. - Oh. 173 00:08:24,680 --> 00:08:29,310 I knew Lance, um... Oh, a long time ago. I hadn't seen him for years, but... 174 00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:31,959 He was such a lovely man. 175 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:36,471 I just wanted to say. He was such a lovely man. 176 00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:39,910 Oh, i-i-i-it... It's OK. 177 00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:41,313 Sorry. 178 00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:43,641 No. Fine. I really won't keep you, I've got to go, thanks. 179 00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:48,834 Oh, my God. 180 00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:58,076 Oh... 181 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:04,272 I just keep thinking, ' "Why? '" 182 00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:07,152 His heart stopped beating, Miss Babs. 183 00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:11,992 - How are you, though, mate? - I'm OK. 184 00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:13,792 Mind you, everyone thinks it's my fault. 185 00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:14,840 Nonsense. 186 00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:16,029 - No way! - No. 187 00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:17,433 I'm jealous. 188 00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:20,074 You're so fucking tragic, I'd love it. 189 00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:21,917 You can't say that! 190 00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:23,313 We're all thinking it. 191 00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:25,999 It must be magnificent, having all this sympathy. 192 00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:27,439 I'd be wearing a cape. 193 00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:29,357 Heads up, have you seen? 194 00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:32,591 His name's Troy - 20, from Hull. 195 00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:34,676 Studying Economics in MMU. 196 00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:36,233 Wish me luck, I'm going in. 197 00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:37,315 Too late. 198 00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:44,439 I scarce can take it in. 199 00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:47,597 I was never that good. Never. 200 00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:49,551 Oh, come on, you were pretty once. Weren't you? 201 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:51,600 Were you? 202 00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:54,074 Were you? 203 00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:55,235 Hey, hold on. 204 00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:00,080 What did he say? 205 00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:03,434 He doesn't do over 21. 206 00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:05,550 Ooh! 207 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:07,352 Oh, it's not over. 208 00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:10,469 16. 209 00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:13,879 No way! 210 00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:22,548 You lot can fuck off. 211 00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:30,757 Look, I'm so sorry. Look, take a seat here, I'm going to get you a drink, OK? 212 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:36,118 I thought we'd seen the last of this - funerals at too young an age. 213 00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:38,958 I thought we'd... beaten it. 214 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:41,036 Well, we're headin' for 50 now. 215 00:10:41,080 --> 00:10:43,275 It's a world of terror beyond that, boys. 216 00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:45,914 - A world of fucking terror. - It's started already. 217 00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:49,509 I looked at my skin this morning. It looked like the city of Homs. 218 00:10:49,560 --> 00:10:52,154 Tell you what, do you know the worst thing about getting old? 219 00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:53,349 Oh, don't, Cliff, not today. 220 00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:55,391 Hairs. We get hairs. 221 00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:57,476 That's nothing new, we all get hairs. 222 00:10:57,520 --> 00:10:58,999 No, I mean hairs on your cock. 223 00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:01,873 Not the base, but on the shaft, like, halfway down. 224 00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:04,832 Sticking out the middle like a... branch on a mug tree. 225 00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:07,030 And the older you get, the more they sprout - 226 00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:08,672 sticking right out of your cock. 227 00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:12,838 And they're long and they grow fast, like a bolted lettuce. 228 00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:17,635 They just appear, out of nowhere, overnight, bang! 229 00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:19,477 Cock hairs. 230 00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:24,639 Halfway down. Protruding! 231 00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:27,353 It's hard to see when it's nestling. 232 00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:28,594 Isn't it different with us, though? 233 00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:32,155 Well, I'm perfectly trim, years of maintenance gone into this. 234 00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:35,749 I don't believe it's possible, the shaft has no capacity for hair. 235 00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:42,877 Oh, Christ almighty... 236 00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:44,797 - What? What is it? - You bastards. 237 00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:47,195 Come on, Raymond. Come on! 238 00:11:56,480 --> 00:11:57,879 It's just a stray hair, isn't it? 239 00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:00,473 Give it a pull. 240 00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:12,229 You... 241 00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:13,838 fuckers! 242 00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:16,833 Oh, Raymond, oh! 243 00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:17,995 Oh, don't worry, mate. 244 00:12:20,560 --> 00:12:22,312 You all right? 245 00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:25,193 - I'm fine, I'm just... - Oh, yeah. Yeah! 246 00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:02,989 What? 247 00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:11,472 I feel as if I've eaten too many eggs. 248 00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:17,272 Everybody wants to see me cry. 249 00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:22,398 They're just waiting. 250 00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:23,555 Like they need it. 251 00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:27,436 Well, they can bugger off! 252 00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:39,273 Last night, I thought I was going to drown. 253 00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:31,475 We're closed, mate. Sorry, move on. 254 00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:50,393 Coffee. 255 00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:59,153 So, Lucy moved out. She moved back to Wythenshawe. 256 00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:01,430 - This place was way too expensive. - How much? 257 00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:03,516 - Interested? - Dunno. 258 00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:06,518 Yeah. The flat's gone weird since the murder thing. 259 00:15:06,560 --> 00:15:09,028 It was on the news again last night. Changed his plea. 260 00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:10,877 It never stops. 261 00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:12,840 All right, he's dead, OK, I didn't even know him. 262 00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:15,440 Do you know what the worst thing is? I'm Henry's best friend now. 263 00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:16,754 Mm, God, I hate that. 264 00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:19,234 Cos I was there when they phoned, the police. 265 00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:22,829 And, I mean, it was terrible, yeah. A golf club! 266 00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:23,880 Toom! 267 00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:27,549 But it's like we got forged together by mistake and I'm stuck with him. 268 00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:32,389 Shag him and then... he can move on. 269 00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:33,953 Do that again. 270 00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:35,638 I like that. 271 00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:38,911 I don't care, though! That's the truth, I don't. 272 00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,150 I just sit in that flat, all sad face. 273 00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:44,720 I'm telling you now, right down deep in my heart, I do not care. 274 00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:46,800 How much? 275 00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:48,910 The rent's 500. 276 00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:52,509 Then there's the electricity, plus the service charge, so it's an extra 150. 277 00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:53,959 No way, I can't afford that. 278 00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:56,320 You could always ask your dad, he could lend you the money. 279 00:15:57,480 --> 00:15:58,549 Yeah. But... 280 00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:01,480 Christopher. 281 00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:04,359 When do you need to know? 282 00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:06,709 As soon as you can. We've got to fill that room. 283 00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:08,591 Hey, Freddie, how you doing? 284 00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:12,474 Saul, you wimp, how's things? 285 00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:14,640 Carrie Anne said you knew that guy with the golf club. 286 00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:17,268 I was his love rival. 287 00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:18,469 Looks like you won. 288 00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:21,433 Yeah... that's what tends to happen. 289 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:22,629 Nice to see ya. 290 00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:23,954 Mm-hm. 291 00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:25,831 Nah-ah-ah... A bit more. 292 00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:36,749 I'll see you later. 293 00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:42,317 - Oh, my God! - I know! 294 00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:43,873 Fucking hell! 295 00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:46,434 - I'll move in. - You mean it? 296 00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:49,199 Seriously, done, I'll take the room. 297 00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:50,832 That lot can fuck off. 298 00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:53,838 The woman at the bank was quite nice. Well, she was a bit brisk. 299 00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:56,440 You'd think they could train them to show a bit more sympathy. 300 00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:01,276 But I think I should find myself a solicitor... just in case. 301 00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:02,992 Yeah. 302 00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:05,275 In case of what? 303 00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:07,715 Just... 304 00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:15,272 - This is nice. - Mm. And mine, it's lovely. 305 00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:17,914 So, a solicitor, to? 306 00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:20,838 Sort things out and handle the sale of the house, I think. 307 00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:22,677 We're selling it? 308 00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:27,554 I think we have to. ' "Too many memories'", that's what you said. 309 00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:30,068 Well... Yes. 310 00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:31,155 I say a lot of things. 311 00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:35,798 You're out of work... 312 00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:39,719 Lance was paying both halves of the mortgage, I can't afford to do that. 313 00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:42,228 But... But... If you look at the bigger picture... 314 00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:44,800 I know technically, half the house is yours, technically, but... 315 00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:49,315 ...we'd been together almost ten years, you just... You just kind of assume... 316 00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:50,588 You think the house is yours? 317 00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:52,278 You could argue that, yes. 318 00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:55,073 Then we do need solicitors. 319 00:17:55,120 --> 00:18:00,035 If you're imagining some sort of... common law inheritance, it doesn't exist. 320 00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,674 No. But there's basic decency. 321 00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:08,159 You're not the boyfriend, Henry, you're the ex. 322 00:18:13,120 --> 00:18:15,315 Look, I'm trying to find a way out of this. 323 00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:17,430 If you can buy my half, that would be wonderful. 324 00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:19,630 Good point, I'd love to, but you've inherited all of my money. 325 00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:23,468 - The account says Lance Sullivan. - I told you, if you look at the dates, 326 00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:25,795 Lance took our savings from the joint account and he moved them 327 00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:26,955 w-w-without my permission. 328 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,672 - And why did he do that? - Well, out of spite. 329 00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:30,676 - Uh-ho-ho, a nice way to remember him(!) - No, it wasn't just that, look... 330 00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:36,795 It was all sort of fraught and we both said all sorts of things, but... 331 00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:39,115 that's my money - £32,000 - 332 00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,515 and I know, in my heart, he would have given it back. 333 00:18:41,560 --> 00:18:43,198 Except he died. 334 00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:46,277 And that's not my fault. 335 00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:51,152 I'm sorry, but it's not. 336 00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:54,075 OK. 337 00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:56,156 - It's not! - OK. 338 00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:00,395 It's not my fault that he's dead. 339 00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:01,919 - So you keep saying. - How is it my fault? 340 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:02,995 He wouldn't have been in that room! 341 00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:04,951 Did-Did I kill him, did I? 342 00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:07,070 W-W-Was it me? 343 00:19:07,120 --> 00:19:09,350 Did I pick up that thing and bash his brains out? 344 00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:11,960 Did I do that, Marie, was that me? 345 00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:14,958 Or was it Daniel Coltrane, who Lance went to see for sex? 346 00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:18,919 Where am I in that room? Tell me, where am I? 347 00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:25,039 Was it my fault, though? 348 00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:30,793 No. 349 00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:42,916 Sorry. I'm very sorry, but it had to be said. 350 00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:44,518 I know. 351 00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:48,712 So, we can talk about transferring the money back. 352 00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:49,829 No. 353 00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:52,075 But it's mine! 354 00:19:52,120 --> 00:19:55,192 I have a daughter in Boston and the course is expensive. 355 00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:56,878 It's not anyone's fault, it just is. 356 00:19:57,920 --> 00:19:58,920 But now... 357 00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:01,433 ...Lance can take care of her. 358 00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:05,036 I think that's lovely. 359 00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:07,274 I think that's nice. 360 00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:09,749 I'm sorry, but I do. 361 00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:18,239 So... 362 00:20:18,280 --> 00:20:20,919 I'll get a solicitor. Yes? 363 00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:42,359 Hey, we're not all good! 364 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,595 What am I doing, though? 365 00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:45,755 We can always get some people. 366 00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:47,631 This is Freddie. 367 00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:50,752 This is Maureen and Floss. That's Maureen, that's Floss, they're new. 368 00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:52,631 We've moved into Violet's old place. 369 00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:54,511 Just brought round a cheeky little bottle of wine 370 00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:57,358 to apologise in advance for any noise. 371 00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:00,231 OK. 372 00:21:02,120 --> 00:21:04,076 Oh, he's too cool for fucking school. 373 00:21:04,120 --> 00:21:06,554 - You've got a pet albino. - Oh, my God, you can stay! 374 00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:10,110 Anyway, we're still unpacking, better get back. 375 00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:12,958 It's nice to meet you and sorry for your loss, Henry. 376 00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:14,228 Thank you. 377 00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:15,633 Come on over once we're settled. 378 00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:17,193 Freddie... 379 00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:18,639 Monsieur. 380 00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:21,269 Bye, guys. 381 00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:23,829 They were nice. 382 00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:25,996 Yeah, look, favour, OK? I need ten quid. 383 00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:27,075 I know, and I will. 384 00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:28,712 But, listen, Aiden's out tonight. 385 00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:31,035 All I need is ten quid, I could buy him a drink, and then. Bap! 386 00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:33,548 Hold on, I've got an Aiden on my favourites. Is it the same one? 387 00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:36,353 Aiden with an E? Welsh? Aged 24? 388 00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:38,118 Shit, it's the same man. 389 00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:39,878 Please, don't wank over him, Mr B. 390 00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:43,030 - Have you messaged him? - I can't, in case he blocks me. 391 00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:46,038 You're the only one who can shag his favourites. The rest of us have to stare. 392 00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:47,274 There he is. 393 00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:49,231 - Had him? - Nope. 394 00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:50,998 Nice, he's new. 395 00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:52,598 So, why don't you go find him? 396 00:21:53,840 --> 00:21:54,989 What for?! 397 00:21:55,040 --> 00:21:58,430 A man like that is never going to shag a man like me. 398 00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:00,630 - I could have him. - Well, yeah. 399 00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:02,477 Fat lot of good that does me. 400 00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:04,351 I could get him for you. 401 00:22:05,520 --> 00:22:06,953 I could, though. Do you want me to? 402 00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:09,912 Yeah, you'd say, ' "Meet my friend, '" and he'd run a mile. 403 00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:11,154 Maybe. 404 00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:13,839 OK. I might have to throw myself in as part of the deal, then he'd be interested. 405 00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:15,438 Yeah, like that's gonna happen! 406 00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:17,755 Offer's there. One time only. 407 00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:22,275 Why would you do that? 408 00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:25,552 A gift, for the widow. 409 00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:29,473 We could find him with this. Says he's five miles away. 410 00:22:29,520 --> 00:22:31,317 There's a gay pub in Prestwich, he could be there. 411 00:22:31,360 --> 00:22:32,349 Or if we go five miles south, 412 00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:34,914 - he could be in Didsbury. - Grindr doesn't work like radar. 413 00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:36,029 It's not not radar, is it? 414 00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:39,197 It says you're... 33 feet away! 415 00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:41,231 Exactly, it doesn't say I'm ten miles away, it's close! 416 00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:42,395 Oh, why don't we try? 417 00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:43,555 Cos you can sit there 418 00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:46,433 and think of reasons why not and then cry-wank yourself to sleep 419 00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:50,268 or you can come with me and get hard and dirty. 420 00:22:50,320 --> 00:22:51,548 It's my gift. 421 00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:55,594 What's it gonna be? 422 00:22:56,920 --> 00:22:58,797 - Is it working? Have you found him? - Can't get a signal. 423 00:22:58,840 --> 00:23:00,432 - He's out of range for me... - Just keep refreshing it! 424 00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:02,550 What do you think I'm doing? Got him! No! 425 00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:04,989 Shit, it's gone up! It says he's seven miles away now! 426 00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:06,360 Wrong way, turn around! Go south! 427 00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:11,875 Three miles away! 428 00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:13,194 Oh, my God, it's working. 429 00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:15,549 If it's a Friday, in Didsbury, he's gone to the Kettle. 430 00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:17,511 Maltings Road. 431 00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:20,589 We're in feet! 432 00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:23,598 It says he's 4,500 feet away. How far is that? 433 00:23:23,640 --> 00:23:24,959 That's the Kettle. Definitely. 434 00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:26,760 We're not seriously going to do this, are we? 435 00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:29,671 Oh, my God! 436 00:23:32,760 --> 00:23:34,637 What are you gonna say to him? 437 00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:58,073 Oh, bollocks! 438 00:23:58,120 --> 00:24:00,236 - Shit. - Fuck! 439 00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:02,350 - One mile away. - The bastard! 440 00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:03,753 He's on the move! 441 00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:08,273 It says three miles again. 442 00:24:08,320 --> 00:24:10,960 Yeah, but look, there's loads of boys at three miles, you know why? 443 00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:12,274 It's three miles to Canal Street. 444 00:24:12,320 --> 00:24:13,878 We'll never find him there! 445 00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:20,639 Oh, my God! 30 feet, 30 feet, 30 feet! 446 00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:22,557 - Fuck! Where can I park?! - I know, turn left! 447 00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:23,953 Left here! 448 00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:27,477 360 feet now, where's that? 449 00:24:27,520 --> 00:24:30,239 New Union. Could be G-A-Y. 450 00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:31,280 Oh, shit! 451 00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:32,878 Oh, no way! 452 00:24:32,920 --> 00:24:34,114 Fuck! 453 00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:35,160 Get in! 454 00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:40,037 Bollocks! 455 00:24:41,240 --> 00:24:42,992 It's OK. He's not going anywhere in this. 456 00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:45,474 I bet he's in Manto's. 457 00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:47,670 They've got that LGBT fundraiser. 458 00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:49,039 What a night! 459 00:24:49,080 --> 00:24:50,149 We'll get him. 460 00:24:55,920 --> 00:24:58,480 I always think it sounds like a sandwich, LGBT. 461 00:24:58,520 --> 00:25:01,512 - Yeah, it does, doesn't it? - Lettuce, gay bacon and tomato. 462 00:25:01,560 --> 00:25:05,712 They've added a Q - we're supposed to be LGBTQ these days. 463 00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:08,638 Lettuce, gay bacon, tomato and... quince. 464 00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:10,193 No. Not as funny. 465 00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:13,676 - What is quince, anyway? - It's a plant. 466 00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:15,711 I know it's a plant. I didn't think it was an animal. 467 00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:19,309 I'm not going to be chased down the street by a wild quince, am I? 468 00:25:19,360 --> 00:25:20,713 I fancy a sandwich. 469 00:25:20,760 --> 00:25:22,716 I think I'll have... 470 00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:24,990 Chicken on curly kale. 471 00:25:27,440 --> 00:25:29,158 Me, too. I'll have cock. 472 00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:31,111 - Large or small? - Large, thanks. 473 00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:32,718 I'll have a really big cock. 474 00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:34,034 Supersize it. Massive. 475 00:25:34,080 --> 00:25:36,071 Nice big cock on crusty white. 476 00:25:36,120 --> 00:25:37,155 I'll have... 477 00:25:38,280 --> 00:25:41,477 ...focaccia under curly kale, thank you. - ' "Under'"! 478 00:25:41,520 --> 00:25:43,238 I haven't got much time, could I have a really fast fuck, please? 479 00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:44,554 Is that for takeaway? 480 00:25:44,600 --> 00:25:45,920 No, I'll have my fuck right here. 481 00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:47,916 I'll tell you what I want for lunch, 482 00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:49,757 I want a... 483 00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:52,678 beef, apple, lemon, lettuce sandwich. 484 00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:56,759 Is that hot or cold, sir? 485 00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:58,119 Oh, gotta be hot! 486 00:25:58,160 --> 00:26:00,515 I want big, hot balls in me mouth, fast as you can! 487 00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:08,951 I went out with Julie Bisme for three years. 488 00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:10,479 But we never really did anything. 489 00:26:10,520 --> 00:26:11,873 We'd lie on her bed and fumble. 490 00:26:11,920 --> 00:26:13,035 Then I'd go home. 491 00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:14,399 What about you? 492 00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:15,873 No. Snogged a few, that's all. 493 00:26:15,920 --> 00:26:18,275 Can I ask? Is it easier with a girl? 494 00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:19,992 Like when you have sex properly? 495 00:26:20,040 --> 00:26:21,758 Cos my mate Terry says, '"You can deny it all you like, 496 00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:24,720 '"but men and women are designed to fit together properly.'" Is that true? 497 00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:28,516 Well... slightly. 498 00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:32,109 - Really? Do you think? - We're not supposed to say so. 499 00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:34,600 The lettuce and gay bacon police will have me arrested, but... 500 00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:37,159 ...yeah, you kind of... 501 00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:38,235 click. 502 00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:41,952 Then again, 503 00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:44,594 that's the best thing about sex with men. 504 00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:46,995 It's harder to fit. 505 00:26:47,040 --> 00:26:48,234 It's the battle, do you know what I mean? 506 00:26:48,280 --> 00:26:49,474 - Yeah! - Getting those legs in the right place. 507 00:26:49,520 --> 00:26:51,875 - Then going in. Bam! - Oh, man! 508 00:26:53,120 --> 00:26:54,838 Lance had a girlfriend. 509 00:26:54,880 --> 00:26:56,233 Only the one, when he was 18. 510 00:26:57,640 --> 00:26:58,920 But he always said he loved her. 511 00:27:00,480 --> 00:27:01,833 She was at the funeral. 512 00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:04,554 Susan Driscoll. 513 00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:08,879 I didn't recognise her name. He used to call her ' "Suzie Carlisle'". 514 00:27:11,360 --> 00:27:12,759 After all these years. 515 00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:16,474 I should've spoken to her. 516 00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:19,312 I should've got her number. I should've run after her. 517 00:27:23,040 --> 00:27:25,349 But I didn't. Do you know why I didn't stop her? 518 00:27:25,400 --> 00:27:26,833 Because I was too embarrassed. 519 00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:28,279 In front of all those people. 520 00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:31,198 I didn't want to run, cos everyone was looking at me. 521 00:27:31,240 --> 00:27:33,549 So, I just let her go, in case I looked like an idiot. 522 00:27:34,640 --> 00:27:35,640 We never fucked. 523 00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:37,795 Me and Lance. 524 00:27:39,720 --> 00:27:41,358 I've never fucked anyone, 525 00:27:41,400 --> 00:27:42,958 I've never been fucked. 526 00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:44,718 I've never had penetrative sex, 527 00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:46,955 I've never had any sort of fuck whatsoever. 528 00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:52,313 No, but you must've had... 529 00:27:52,360 --> 00:27:54,669 I think about it all day long, but I've never done it, OK? 530 00:27:56,640 --> 00:27:58,119 So, no, 531 00:27:58,160 --> 00:28:00,879 I don't know about the legs... 532 00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:03,036 and the battle and the arsehole. 533 00:28:03,080 --> 00:28:05,514 I haven't got a clue. I don't know the first fucking thing, all right? 534 00:28:05,560 --> 00:28:06,879 And that's what drove him away. 535 00:28:06,920 --> 00:28:08,148 I come too soon. 536 00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:10,669 What? 537 00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:11,994 Every time. I can't help it. 538 00:28:12,040 --> 00:28:13,155 30 seconds and I pop. 539 00:28:14,640 --> 00:28:16,119 Right. OK. 540 00:28:16,160 --> 00:28:18,720 I can wank for about three hours solid, but fuck me and I'm off... 541 00:28:18,760 --> 00:28:21,433 Yes, look, I've just said something I've never said before, 542 00:28:21,480 --> 00:28:24,836 so if you could just... Actually, if you could not be premature, 543 00:28:24,880 --> 00:28:27,000 right this minute, Dean, that'd be marvellous, thanks! 544 00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:32,755 - What about you? - What about me? 545 00:28:32,800 --> 00:28:34,916 I'm a virgin. He comes too soon. What have you got? 546 00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:40,794 No. Nothing. 547 00:28:40,840 --> 00:28:42,159 Oh, you're perfect, aren't you? 548 00:28:42,200 --> 00:28:43,838 - I could be taller. - So, who's Christopher? 549 00:28:43,880 --> 00:28:45,438 - Fuck off. - Yeah, who's Christopher? 550 00:28:45,480 --> 00:28:47,038 - I said, fuck off. - Is he your brother? 551 00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:48,718 Your parents mentioned a Christopher. 552 00:28:48,760 --> 00:28:50,193 Really, fuck right off! 553 00:28:50,240 --> 00:28:51,992 So, did your parents chuck you out of home, Dean? 554 00:28:52,040 --> 00:28:53,155 - Really, did they? - Yes, they did! 555 00:28:53,200 --> 00:28:54,720 - What do you mean? - Ask him yourself! 556 00:28:54,760 --> 00:28:56,716 - God, you're a bastard! - Is that not true? 557 00:28:56,760 --> 00:28:58,796 - Leave me alone! - Did they chuck you out? 558 00:28:58,840 --> 00:28:59,909 Yes! 559 00:29:02,840 --> 00:29:04,239 Oh, my God, you made it up. 560 00:29:04,280 --> 00:29:06,350 Oi! You've never been fucked, let's talk about you! 561 00:29:06,400 --> 00:29:08,080 - I can't believe you did that. - Piss off! 562 00:29:10,960 --> 00:29:12,154 Of course you made it up... 563 00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:14,156 I'm going, in a... minute. 564 00:29:14,200 --> 00:29:17,749 Cos you do. Like when I was young. I'd cop off, and someone would say, 565 00:29:17,800 --> 00:29:21,634 like, Cleo, she'd say, '"How was last night? '" and I'd say, '"Cor! '" 566 00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:25,150 You know, with a little mime, 567 00:29:25,200 --> 00:29:26,599 as if he can barely walk. 568 00:29:26,640 --> 00:29:28,312 As if I'd fucked the life out of him. 569 00:29:28,360 --> 00:29:30,157 I did it for so long, I forgot I was lying. 570 00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:35,595 Who's Christopher? 571 00:29:38,880 --> 00:29:40,029 No-one. 572 00:29:45,160 --> 00:29:48,311 If we'd found that man tonight, what would you have done with him? 573 00:29:50,120 --> 00:29:54,272 Everything else. I mean, I'm not a virgin. I'm seriously not. 574 00:29:54,320 --> 00:29:55,720 I've done a million things! Just... 575 00:29:56,560 --> 00:29:58,471 ...everything except fuck. 576 00:29:58,520 --> 00:29:59,635 Well... 577 00:30:01,040 --> 00:30:03,315 ...that's all right. I suppose. You don't have to. 578 00:30:04,440 --> 00:30:06,715 Exactly. Lots of people don't, it's not just me. 579 00:30:06,760 --> 00:30:08,910 Yeah, that's fine, if you're happy. 580 00:30:08,960 --> 00:30:10,598 - Are you happy? - But it's brilliant, 581 00:30:10,640 --> 00:30:12,312 - up the bum. - Thanks, Dean(!) 582 00:30:12,360 --> 00:30:13,793 That's the reason I come too soon, cos it's lovely! 583 00:30:13,840 --> 00:30:15,068 OK! 584 00:30:17,120 --> 00:30:18,120 Did you ever try? 585 00:30:20,440 --> 00:30:22,192 Yes, it hurt. 586 00:30:22,240 --> 00:30:23,514 But that's for like 30 seconds. 587 00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:25,198 - It's more than 30 seconds. - It's a lot more. 588 00:30:25,240 --> 00:30:26,878 Actually, that's a great 30 seconds. 589 00:30:26,920 --> 00:30:28,069 But get past that. 590 00:30:29,160 --> 00:30:30,639 And it's... 591 00:30:30,680 --> 00:30:31,999 everything. 592 00:30:33,160 --> 00:30:34,559 It's like a whole world, Henry. 593 00:30:34,600 --> 00:30:35,800 Why didn't you just try again? 594 00:30:35,840 --> 00:30:37,520 I don't know! Why does anyone do anything?! 595 00:30:39,240 --> 00:30:40,309 But do you actually want to fuck? 596 00:30:40,360 --> 00:30:42,635 - OK, just leave it now. - No. Cos... 597 00:30:44,040 --> 00:30:46,600 If you're having a wank, say... 598 00:30:46,640 --> 00:30:48,039 You're imagining two men. 599 00:30:48,080 --> 00:30:49,479 Let's go for the obvious, you've got Harry Judd 600 00:30:49,520 --> 00:30:52,159 and Dougie Poynter on board the tour bus, cos everyone's imagined that one, 601 00:30:52,200 --> 00:30:54,077 even David Cameron's tossed himself off thinking about that, yes? 602 00:30:54,120 --> 00:30:55,189 - Oh, yeah! - Yep. 603 00:30:55,240 --> 00:30:56,600 What are they doing, in your head? 604 00:30:57,800 --> 00:30:58,835 They have sex. 605 00:30:58,880 --> 00:31:00,518 Oh, my God, they so have sex. 606 00:31:00,560 --> 00:31:02,357 - But do they fuck? - Yes. 607 00:31:02,400 --> 00:31:03,628 What do they do? 608 00:31:05,560 --> 00:31:06,629 Harry fucks Dougie. 609 00:31:08,880 --> 00:31:10,074 Really, really hard. 610 00:31:11,280 --> 00:31:13,080 - On the back seats. - And that's penetration? 611 00:31:14,360 --> 00:31:16,316 He is right inside him. 612 00:31:16,360 --> 00:31:17,952 And that turns you on? 613 00:31:19,000 --> 00:31:20,228 Yes. 614 00:31:20,280 --> 00:31:21,349 So... 615 00:31:22,760 --> 00:31:25,400 So, the act of fucking turns you on and you've never, ever done it. 616 00:31:26,160 --> 00:31:28,037 - Yes. - Jesus Christ! Why not? 617 00:31:28,080 --> 00:31:29,559 Lance said... 618 00:31:31,360 --> 00:31:33,112 I don't know. He said it was shame. 619 00:31:39,000 --> 00:31:42,117 So... so where was he in all of this? Did he fuck? 620 00:31:43,800 --> 00:31:44,800 He wanted to... 621 00:31:46,720 --> 00:31:48,472 ...for nine years. 622 00:31:48,520 --> 00:31:49,748 Oh, my God. 623 00:31:53,400 --> 00:31:55,630 I used to think, he'll sneak off one day 624 00:31:55,680 --> 00:31:57,875 and have secret little fucks with someone else, 625 00:31:57,920 --> 00:31:59,399 and that'll be brilliant. 626 00:32:00,840 --> 00:32:01,955 Oh, the relief! 627 00:32:07,160 --> 00:32:09,913 But he was too good, wasn't he? 628 00:32:13,400 --> 00:32:16,039 He was so good, he put up with me all that time! 629 00:32:19,160 --> 00:32:21,799 And I'm never gonna find anyone like him again... 630 00:32:23,320 --> 00:32:26,312 ... and I told him to wait! 631 00:32:31,760 --> 00:32:33,239 I told him, 632 00:32:33,280 --> 00:32:34,872 I said to him, '"Wait... 633 00:32:36,160 --> 00:32:37,832 ' "...cos I'm gonna come back! '" 634 00:32:39,640 --> 00:32:41,870 I was always gonna come back! 635 00:32:45,120 --> 00:32:47,395 All he had to do was wait, 636 00:32:47,440 --> 00:32:49,271 and it's not fair! 637 00:32:56,520 --> 00:32:57,669 It's OK. 638 00:33:07,400 --> 00:33:08,628 Why didn't he wait? 639 00:33:34,560 --> 00:33:36,152 I still don't think it's my fault. 640 00:33:36,200 --> 00:33:37,792 - Oh, give up! - Oh, no! 641 00:33:39,600 --> 00:33:42,990 I know I'm supposed to say, ' "It's not my fault, '" 642 00:33:43,040 --> 00:33:44,712 and then... 643 00:33:44,760 --> 00:33:47,593 scurry off into some dark little corner and think, ' "It is my fault.'" 644 00:33:47,640 --> 00:33:49,551 But bollocks to that! 645 00:33:49,600 --> 00:33:52,160 Cos, yes, I could've done this and I could've done that, all right, 646 00:33:52,200 --> 00:33:53,918 but I have looked, I promise you, 647 00:33:53,960 --> 00:33:56,838 I have absolutely searched in every part of my soul, 648 00:33:56,880 --> 00:33:58,313 and I'm... 649 00:33:58,360 --> 00:34:02,638 I'm sorry but it's not my fault, so you piss off! 650 00:34:02,680 --> 00:34:04,477 I have never liked you more. 651 00:34:04,520 --> 00:34:06,397 Yeah, well, you can piss off, too! 652 00:34:26,880 --> 00:34:28,108 Do you know what? 653 00:34:28,160 --> 00:34:30,037 I think we've got it wrong, in all honesty. 654 00:34:32,160 --> 00:34:33,798 I think it's Dougie who fucks Harry. 655 00:34:33,840 --> 00:34:35,034 Yeah. 656 00:34:35,080 --> 00:34:39,153 Cos that's the first thing about fucking, Mr B. It's never quite the way you expect. 657 00:34:39,200 --> 00:34:42,078 - Am I having lessons now? - Oh, it's about time. 658 00:34:42,120 --> 00:34:45,317 Who's gonna have me? Never mind that I'm 46 and bereaved. 659 00:34:45,360 --> 00:34:47,749 - Now I've got to be deflowered. - Freddie's still on offer. 660 00:34:47,800 --> 00:34:49,552 ' "One night only.'" That's what you said. 661 00:34:49,600 --> 00:34:51,556 That's true, you actually said it. 662 00:34:51,600 --> 00:34:53,238 Could you do it, though, Freds? 663 00:34:53,280 --> 00:34:54,838 I could. Absolutely. 664 00:34:54,880 --> 00:34:56,154 What, with me? 665 00:34:56,200 --> 00:34:59,351 Look at me! What the hell is gonna turn you on? 666 00:34:59,400 --> 00:35:01,311 Sometimes sex itself is sexy. 667 00:35:02,680 --> 00:35:03,715 Really?! 668 00:35:05,000 --> 00:35:07,468 God, you've got so much to learn! 669 00:35:07,520 --> 00:35:09,750 Well, teach me, then, you bastard! 670 00:35:09,800 --> 00:35:11,711 Go on, put him out of his misery. 671 00:35:11,760 --> 00:35:13,960 - You're like a charity! - Yeah, that's me, that's me... 672 00:35:20,800 --> 00:35:21,869 What? 673 00:35:23,600 --> 00:35:24,749 Nothing. 674 00:35:30,240 --> 00:35:31,593 Is something funny? 675 00:35:33,360 --> 00:35:35,078 ' "Aiden. 24. Versatile.'" 676 00:35:36,160 --> 00:35:37,991 You just missed the best night of your life. 677 00:35:40,040 --> 00:35:41,951 Well, it's not too late... 678 00:35:42,000 --> 00:35:43,672 if you wanna ditch your mates. 679 00:35:47,480 --> 00:35:48,993 Nah, fuck it. 680 00:35:49,040 --> 00:35:50,598 We're going home. 681 00:35:56,800 --> 00:35:58,392 Oh, I'm knackered. 682 00:36:01,720 --> 00:36:03,676 - See you, then. - Night. 683 00:39:18,720 --> 00:39:19,755 No. 684 00:39:24,040 --> 00:39:25,040 Good. 685 00:39:43,440 --> 00:39:44,440 Hi. 686 00:39:44,480 --> 00:39:45,708 Hiya. 687 00:39:45,760 --> 00:39:47,796 - Henrico. - Morning. 688 00:39:51,080 --> 00:39:54,516 So, what's today, then, chaps? 689 00:39:54,560 --> 00:39:57,472 Dunno. Cinema? I've gotta see Lucy. 690 00:39:57,520 --> 00:39:59,715 Then I might punch anyone who says ' "chaps'". 691 00:39:59,760 --> 00:40:01,400 And after that, I might even cook tonight. 692 00:40:01,440 --> 00:40:03,510 - Oh, my God, you never cook. - Yeah, well, let's see. 693 00:40:03,560 --> 00:40:04,993 If I get a better offer, you can sod off. 694 00:40:06,640 --> 00:40:07,993 - Who's that? - We're all in. 695 00:40:08,040 --> 00:40:10,156 I know, so who's that? 696 00:40:12,600 --> 00:40:14,750 Morning, boys. Don't mind us. 697 00:40:14,800 --> 00:40:17,109 - Who the fuck are you? - Robbie, kitchen. Alan, with me. 698 00:40:17,160 --> 00:40:20,152 Hey! Where are you going? Hey! What are you doing? Who are you? 699 00:40:20,200 --> 00:40:22,589 Oi! That's my room! 700 00:40:22,640 --> 00:40:24,471 Get off that, it's mine. 701 00:40:24,520 --> 00:40:25,555 What the fuck are you doing?! 702 00:40:25,600 --> 00:40:26,589 If you could just stand back, mate. 703 00:40:26,640 --> 00:40:27,993 That's my stuff! 704 00:40:29,800 --> 00:40:31,313 Argh! 705 00:40:31,360 --> 00:40:35,148 If you could just stand back, as requested, sir(?) Thank you. 706 00:40:35,200 --> 00:40:36,235 Get off! 707 00:40:36,280 --> 00:40:38,111 Argh! 708 00:40:38,160 --> 00:40:39,195 Fuck off! 709 00:40:39,240 --> 00:40:40,992 Just fuck off! 710 00:40:44,240 --> 00:40:45,832 S-Sorry, wh-where are you going? 711 00:40:45,880 --> 00:40:47,598 Look, where do you think you're going? 712 00:40:48,840 --> 00:40:49,840 Wha... 713 00:40:51,960 --> 00:40:54,155 - Oh, no, you don't. - I don't give a toss, mate, 714 00:40:54,200 --> 00:40:57,237 you've got two minutes to get out, OK? 715 00:40:57,280 --> 00:40:59,555 Just give it. Give it! 716 00:40:59,600 --> 00:41:00,999 Give it! 717 00:41:01,040 --> 00:41:02,792 Argh, stop! 718 00:41:02,840 --> 00:41:05,274 Don't, don't, don't! Freddie, stop it, don't! 719 00:41:12,000 --> 00:41:14,150 Oh, like you'd fucking dare, you coward! 720 00:41:14,200 --> 00:41:15,315 Fuck you! 721 00:41:15,360 --> 00:41:17,271 Well, Roderick says, do yourselves a favour and get out. 722 00:41:17,320 --> 00:41:18,514 But he's the landlord. 723 00:41:18,560 --> 00:41:19,788 He is, and as of this moment, 724 00:41:19,840 --> 00:41:22,593 he declares that his premises have been illegally occupied. 725 00:41:22,640 --> 00:41:25,598 Your property is henceforth his property 726 00:41:25,640 --> 00:41:28,279 and you are all required to leave this building immediately. 727 00:41:28,320 --> 00:41:29,878 Robbie. Car. Nice and quick, eh? 728 00:41:29,920 --> 00:41:30,989 He's not even a proper landlord! 729 00:41:31,040 --> 00:41:32,712 - I'm phoning the police. - Great! 730 00:41:32,760 --> 00:41:34,432 Me, too! 731 00:41:43,160 --> 00:41:45,833 That's mine, you bastards! It's my flat! 732 00:41:45,880 --> 00:41:47,393 Look at me! Look at me! 733 00:41:47,440 --> 00:41:48,475 I'm going to fucking deck you! 734 00:41:48,520 --> 00:41:51,637 - They just walked in! - I know! They did it to us, too! 735 00:41:53,120 --> 00:41:54,553 Oh, my God, he tried to kill me! 736 00:41:54,600 --> 00:41:56,636 - Literally, I almost died! - Which one? 737 00:41:56,680 --> 00:41:57,749 That one over there! Him! 738 00:41:59,280 --> 00:42:01,635 - Oi! - No, don't kill him! Don't! 739 00:42:01,680 --> 00:42:03,477 Scotty, don't! Stop it! 740 00:42:04,880 --> 00:42:07,314 All right, all right, all right! OK, OK! 741 00:42:07,360 --> 00:42:09,351 What are you doing?! 742 00:42:09,400 --> 00:42:11,072 We just moved in yesterday! 743 00:42:11,120 --> 00:42:13,793 Roderick said it was fine, he gave us the fucking keys! 744 00:42:13,840 --> 00:42:14,875 This was yesterday! 745 00:42:14,920 --> 00:42:15,989 Jonjo? 746 00:42:16,040 --> 00:42:17,871 I might have a little bit of work for you. 747 00:42:17,920 --> 00:42:19,399 Calico Warehouse. 748 00:42:20,880 --> 00:42:22,029 Who's in charge here? 749 00:42:22,080 --> 00:42:23,479 No idea. 750 00:42:24,880 --> 00:42:27,713 You can stop that right now. 751 00:42:27,760 --> 00:42:29,079 Police! Here are the police! 752 00:42:29,120 --> 00:42:31,315 OK, quick. This man took my laptop 753 00:42:31,360 --> 00:42:33,476 and my speakers and then he assaulted me. 754 00:42:33,520 --> 00:42:36,159 I entered my client's property and found this young man high on drugs. 755 00:42:36,200 --> 00:42:38,634 Oh, fuck off! Fuck off, you liar! 756 00:42:51,400 --> 00:42:53,231 Told you that place was dodgy. 757 00:42:53,280 --> 00:42:55,589 Turns out, you're an allotment scheme. 758 00:42:55,640 --> 00:42:58,313 It's recession economics, started in New York. 759 00:42:58,360 --> 00:43:01,238 Property gets frozen, in dispute, so you fill it with tenants. 760 00:43:01,280 --> 00:43:03,111 The kind of tenants who don't ask too many questions. 761 00:43:03,160 --> 00:43:05,594 Keep the rent low, so no-one asks for a contract, 762 00:43:05,640 --> 00:43:07,471 then you stand back and you watch them flourish, 763 00:43:07,520 --> 00:43:10,671 with their iPads and their smartphones and their widescreen TVs. 764 00:43:10,720 --> 00:43:12,039 And then... 765 00:43:12,080 --> 00:43:13,229 ...you harvest them. 766 00:43:13,280 --> 00:43:16,113 All of your stuff will be on sale in a pub in Ordsall by 12 o'clock, 767 00:43:16,160 --> 00:43:17,800 and there is nothing you can do about it. 768 00:43:18,880 --> 00:43:20,279 In six months' time, they'll start again. 769 00:43:20,320 --> 00:43:22,072 Plant new seeds. 770 00:43:22,120 --> 00:43:23,872 I've got nothing left. 771 00:43:23,920 --> 00:43:26,593 You're a fucking disaster! Mwah! 772 00:43:26,640 --> 00:43:28,676 Hey, hey, hey! Break it up! 773 00:43:28,720 --> 00:43:31,109 Oh! Duty calls. 774 00:43:31,160 --> 00:43:33,230 - Fuck off, you fucking! - Hold on! 775 00:43:33,280 --> 00:43:36,750 I represent that man, I'm his solicitor. Not the face! 776 00:43:38,040 --> 00:43:39,598 Oh, by the way. Did you notice? 777 00:43:39,640 --> 00:43:41,437 - What? - No crutches! 778 00:43:41,480 --> 00:43:44,153 - Oh! Well done. - Thank you. 779 00:43:45,360 --> 00:43:47,600 I'm trying to tell you. No, no! You don't need to! 780 00:44:12,280 --> 00:44:14,316 So, that's it. I've got nowhere else to go. 781 00:44:14,360 --> 00:44:15,793 And I thought, ' "Well, Marie won't mind.'" 782 00:44:15,840 --> 00:44:17,876 Cos we're like family, aren't we? Really? You and me? 783 00:44:17,920 --> 00:44:19,831 I mean, we've had our ups and downs, but that's OK, 784 00:44:19,880 --> 00:44:22,792 and this old house has got more than enough spare bedrooms. 785 00:44:22,840 --> 00:44:24,956 And Lance would be happy to think of us, together. 786 00:44:25,000 --> 00:44:27,389 In fact, he'd laugh. He'd laugh his head off. 787 00:44:27,440 --> 00:44:28,839 Do you remember that laugh? 788 00:44:28,880 --> 00:44:30,279 Because I miss him, Marie. 789 00:44:30,320 --> 00:44:33,198 I miss him with every beat of my heart! 790 00:44:33,240 --> 00:44:35,071 So, you should stay! 791 00:44:35,120 --> 00:44:37,315 Cos the house belongs to both of us, 792 00:44:37,360 --> 00:44:40,158 I worked out this joint ownership thing, it's easy. 793 00:44:40,200 --> 00:44:42,077 You can have the upstairs, and I can have the downstairs! 794 00:44:42,120 --> 00:44:43,120 No. 795 00:44:43,160 --> 00:44:44,309 I've got Saul, he's here! 796 00:44:44,360 --> 00:44:45,873 Almost done, Mr B! 797 00:44:45,920 --> 00:44:47,558 20 seconds, meatballs! 798 00:44:47,600 --> 00:44:48,828 Counting down! 799 00:44:48,880 --> 00:44:49,995 Oh, and if you don't like it - 800 00:44:50,040 --> 00:44:51,951 and call me psychic, but I suspect you might not - 801 00:44:52,000 --> 00:44:55,310 then you can get your solicitor to talk to my solicitor! 802 00:44:55,360 --> 00:44:56,554 Oh! Don't mind me. 803 00:44:56,600 --> 00:44:59,353 - Welcome home, sweetheart! - Mwah! 804 00:44:59,400 --> 00:45:01,356 You've met my solicitor, remember? 805 00:45:01,400 --> 00:45:02,435 He's over... there! 806 00:45:02,480 --> 00:45:06,029 He's the one with the pants on his head!