1 00:00:37,017 --> 00:00:40,008 [ Cheers and applause ] Good evening. 2 00:00:40,009 --> 00:00:42,007 I'm George stephanopoulos, and the vibe we're going for tonight 3 00:00:42,008 --> 00:00:46,022 is "poorly attended college lecture. 4 00:00:46,023 --> 00:00:51,007 The folks asking questions are half pro-biden and half 5 00:00:51,008 --> 00:00:54,000 anti-Trump, and somehow we've put all of them in the last row 6 00:00:54,001 --> 00:01:00,028 of the balcony. How are you guys up there? 7 00:01:00,029 --> 00:01:02,003 Huh? I have vertigo! 8 00:01:02,004 --> 00:01:06,003 Great. And our guest of honor tonight 9 00:01:06,004 --> 00:01:08,004 is former vice president and future oatmeal spokesman Joe 10 00:01:08,005 --> 00:01:14,027 biden. [ Cheers and applause ] 11 00:01:14,028 --> 00:01:18,020 Hello! Hello, Philadelphia! 12 00:01:18,021 --> 00:01:25,009 It's great to be here! Hey, that is Bobby Clark of the 13 00:01:25,010 --> 00:01:28,003 1974-75 flyers? Mr. Vice president, Mr. Vice 14 00:01:28,004 --> 00:01:29,015 president, please don't wander into the audience to greet 15 00:01:29,016 --> 00:01:35,007 people. Sorry! 16 00:01:35,008 --> 00:01:37,024 I'm just so excited to talk to America. 17 00:01:37,025 --> 00:01:41,010 With real-life Americans. Hey, George! 18 00:01:41,011 --> 00:01:53,022 Check it out! That's a dance for the kids on 19 00:01:53,023 --> 00:01:54,014 tiktok. Okay. 20 00:01:54,015 --> 00:01:56,011 Okay, Joe. Let's focus. 21 00:01:56,012 --> 00:01:59,028 Now, are you ready for softball questions from folks who are 22 00:01:59,029 --> 00:02:09,000 already voting for you? You bet your short pants I 23 00:02:09,001 --> 00:02:10,000 am. This is going to be exciting, 24 00:02:10,001 --> 00:02:14,020 George. I've given everybody in the 25 00:02:14,021 --> 00:02:17,004 audience a glass of warm milk and a blanket. 26 00:02:17,005 --> 00:02:22,000 Now who's ready to have some fun with facts and figures? 27 00:02:22,001 --> 00:02:25,000 Whoo! The first question is from 28 00:02:25,001 --> 00:02:28,001 Nicholas fenton, and he's a democrat. 29 00:02:28,002 --> 00:02:30,024 Mr. Vice president, how would your response differ from the 30 00:02:30,025 --> 00:02:31,999 horrible one from president Trump, who I hate? 31 00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:33,009 Let's limit how many times you outright say you hate 32 00:02:33,010 --> 00:02:35,011 President Trump during your questions. 33 00:02:35,012 --> 00:02:40,014 Aww! Mr. Vice president, go ahead. 34 00:02:40,015 --> 00:02:43,014 Okay. Now Nicholas -- where the hell 35 00:02:43,015 --> 00:02:46,008 are you? Nicholas? 36 00:02:46,009 --> 00:02:47,017 I'm up here! Huh? 37 00:02:47,018 --> 00:02:49,009 Go ahead! Hey. 38 00:02:49,010 --> 00:02:55,023 Yeah. Here's the deal. 39 00:02:55,024 --> 00:02:57,027 Unlike the president, I actually have a plan. 40 00:02:57,028 --> 00:03:01,001 Okay, great! What is it? 41 00:03:01,002 --> 00:03:05,008 [ Laughter ] A plan is a detailed proposal 42 00:03:05,009 --> 00:03:06,025 for doing or achieving something. 43 00:03:06,026 --> 00:03:09,026 No, I mean, what's your plan? Oh, right. 44 00:03:09,027 --> 00:03:14,022 Right. Well, let me start with a story. 45 00:03:14,023 --> 00:03:15,023 Mixed with a complicated math problem. 46 00:03:15,024 --> 00:03:19,015 [ Laughter ] If you have 3 million doses of 47 00:03:19,016 --> 00:03:24,019 vaccine, and the vaccine leaves Chicago at 10:00 A.M., what time 48 00:03:24,020 --> 00:03:32,000 would it arrive in Washington? And please show your work. 49 00:03:32,001 --> 00:03:33,011 Good evening, America. I am surprise bad-ass Savannah 50 00:03:33,012 --> 00:03:36,015 Guthrie. [ Laughter ] 51 00:03:36,016 --> 00:03:38,000 If you were angry at nbc for doing this town hall, let me get 52 00:03:38,001 --> 00:03:41,000 a few questions in and I think you'll thank me. 53 00:03:41,001 --> 00:03:43,020 Joining me tonight is president Donald Trump. 54 00:03:43,021 --> 00:03:51,004 [ Cheers and applause ] Thank you, serengeti, it's 55 00:03:51,005 --> 00:03:55,021 great to be here. Even though -- woman. 56 00:03:55,022 --> 00:04:01,011 [ Laughter ] We have lots of voters 57 00:04:01,012 --> 00:04:02,024 to ask questions, but I'd like to start by tearing you a new 58 00:04:02,025 --> 00:04:06,012 one. [ Laughter ] 59 00:04:06,013 --> 00:04:07,014 Why won't you condemn white supremacy? 60 00:04:07,015 --> 00:04:09,023 I do. I do condemn it. 61 00:04:09,024 --> 00:04:11,008 I've always more or less condemned it. 62 00:04:11,009 --> 00:04:14,008 What about q-anon? You mean the group that 63 00:04:14,009 --> 00:04:17,007 thinks democrats are a cabal of Satan-worshipping pedophiles, 64 00:04:17,008 --> 00:04:18,022 and I'm their Messiah? I don't know anything about them 65 00:04:18,023 --> 00:04:24,017 at all. Yes, you do, Mr. President. 66 00:04:24,018 --> 00:04:27,021 I do know they're against pedophilia, and I agree with 67 00:04:27,022 --> 00:04:30,028 that, if anyone's against pedophiles, it's me, the man who 68 00:04:30,029 --> 00:04:34,003 was close, personal friends with one of the most famous 69 00:04:34,004 --> 00:04:38,000 pedophiles on earth. Rest in power, Jeffrey. 70 00:04:38,001 --> 00:04:42,017 [ Laughter and moans ] Okay -- what about the Aryan 71 00:04:42,018 --> 00:04:44,023 brotherhood? They're very pro-family, 72 00:04:44,024 --> 00:04:49,002 that's all I know. Kkk? 73 00:04:49,003 --> 00:04:54,025 Your car breaks down, you call triple-k. 74 00:04:54,026 --> 00:04:57,018 Last week you tweeted that osama bin laden is still alive. 75 00:04:57,019 --> 00:05:00,012 I didn't tweet it, it was a retweet, which is short for 76 00:05:00,013 --> 00:05:06,017 "really smart tweet." You can't just do things like 77 00:05:06,018 --> 00:05:08,022 that, you're not someone's crazy uncle. 78 00:05:08,023 --> 00:05:10,015 Really? Because this conversation we're 79 00:05:10,016 --> 00:05:13,028 having is a preview of Thanksgiving dinner at a lot of 80 00:05:13,029 --> 00:05:20,011 American households, so crazy uncles, stand back and stand by. 81 00:05:20,012 --> 00:05:25,015 That brings us to 1939. [ Laughter ] 82 00:05:25,016 --> 00:05:26,023 The year I went to the world fair. 83 00:05:26,024 --> 00:05:34,016 And met the real Mickey mouse. Does that answer your question? 84 00:05:34,017 --> 00:05:38,003 [ Laughter ] If you want to find me after the 85 00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:39,018 town hall, we can talk some more. 86 00:05:39,019 --> 00:05:45,007 Some more? Just to be clear, when was 87 00:05:45,008 --> 00:05:50,015 the last time you tested negative? 88 00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:51,026 There are so many tests, santana, I get tested all the 89 00:05:51,027 --> 00:05:56,007 time. Okay, for COVID. 90 00:05:56,008 --> 00:06:01,003 There are so many COVID, Savannah, COVID-12, COVID-14 -- 91 00:06:01,004 --> 00:06:02,018 were you tested for COVID-19 on the day of the debate -- 92 00:06:02,019 --> 00:06:06,004 there have been so many debates -- 93 00:06:06,005 --> 00:06:10,008 there was one f'ing debate. Now do you have any remaining 94 00:06:10,009 --> 00:06:12,016 symptoms of COVID? No, I'm doing great. 95 00:06:12,017 --> 00:06:15,012 Doctors say my lung is beautiful. 96 00:06:15,013 --> 00:06:19,025 I have one beautiful lung now, which turned basically into 97 00:06:19,026 --> 00:06:23,008 glass, so it's very strong. You didn't have pneumonia? 98 00:06:23,009 --> 00:06:27,015 Had a small fever, it was around 100 celsius. 99 00:06:27,016 --> 00:06:29,003 But I did great. [ Laughter ] 100 00:06:29,004 --> 00:06:31,003 I never died. Never saw hell or the devil. 101 00:06:31,004 --> 00:06:33,010 He never showed me a list of my sins. 102 00:06:33,011 --> 00:06:36,019 I was just alive and strong the whole time. 103 00:06:36,020 --> 00:06:38,003 Okay. I'm done with my initial 104 00:06:38,004 --> 00:06:39,026 prostate exam. Our first question tonight is 105 00:06:39,027 --> 00:06:47,028 from Jacqueline lugo. Hello, Mr. President! 106 00:06:47,029 --> 00:06:50,023 Greetings from Miami -- no, no, different person. 107 00:06:50,024 --> 00:06:52,015 Okay, let's go to our next question from Paulette Dale, and 108 00:06:52,016 --> 00:06:54,000 I'm told she's horny. Yes. 109 00:06:54,001 --> 00:06:58,015 Greetings, Mr. President. I have to say, you have a great 110 00:06:58,016 --> 00:07:03,004 smile. He does! 111 00:07:03,005 --> 00:07:07,000 Oh, just so handsome when you smile. 112 00:07:07,001 --> 00:07:11,021 Come on, let me see those chompers. 113 00:07:11,022 --> 00:07:14,011 Oh, there we go. You're so beautiful. 114 00:07:14,012 --> 00:07:24,999 Now my question is about immigration. 115 00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:28,999 My parents were both immigrants. So I want to know what you'll do 116 00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:31,021 with the so-called dreamers. Where did your parents 117 00:07:31,022 --> 00:07:40,026 emigrate from? They came from Mrs. 118 00:07:40,027 --> 00:07:45,001 Maisel-vania. That's why you have to do 119 00:07:45,002 --> 00:07:46,010 something. You can make a difference. 120 00:07:46,011 --> 00:07:54,019 You can save this country. Joe, who are you talking to? 121 00:07:54,020 --> 00:07:57,021 [ Laughter ] I'm talking to god, George. 122 00:07:57,022 --> 00:08:04,019 Father, son, holy ghost, you're the team we love the most. 123 00:08:04,020 --> 00:08:05,999 [ Laughter ] And that's why we're going to 124 00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:11,027 have a v-shaped recovery, a deep v, rippling pecs and a toned 125 00:08:11,028 --> 00:08:14,025 eight-pack. A swimmer's body, basically like 126 00:08:14,026 --> 00:08:19,017 I have after COVID, and it'sing about -- it's going to be 127 00:08:19,018 --> 00:08:21,021 beautiful! The question is, why won't 128 00:08:21,022 --> 00:08:23,001 you release your taxes? Oh, that's simple, because I 129 00:08:23,002 --> 00:08:27,015 don't want to go to jail. Thank you. 130 00:08:27,016 --> 00:08:32,004 Our next question is from a pro-life millennial, so yikes, 131 00:08:32,005 --> 00:08:34,014 good luck. My question is did you 132 00:08:34,015 --> 00:08:37,009 nominate judge Barrett to strike down roe v. Wade? 133 00:08:37,010 --> 00:08:39,017 Because that would be pretty chill of you. 134 00:08:39,018 --> 00:08:59,008 That's a beautiful question, thank you. 135 00:08:59,009 --> 00:09:03,008 I didn't tell Amy conan o'brien to vote any way on any issue. 136 00:09:03,009 --> 00:09:06,027 Some people say very brilliant minds say roe v. Wade should be 137 00:09:06,028 --> 00:09:10,026 overturned and burned in a trash can, like antifa is burning all 138 00:09:10,027 --> 00:09:13,019 of my ballots because everyone knows the radical left are 139 00:09:13,020 --> 00:09:16,011 trying to steal this election. They're taking down statues 140 00:09:16,012 --> 00:09:19,001 which are full of Trump votes, that's where the people place 141 00:09:19,002 --> 00:09:25,025 their votes, into the statues. Antifa is stealing them and 142 00:09:25,026 --> 00:09:27,012 changing Trump to Kathy Griffin -- 143 00:09:27,013 --> 00:09:38,022 okay, I'm so sorry. [ Cheers and applause ] 144 00:09:38,023 --> 00:09:40,027 I'm real sorry. This is the last place I want to 145 00:09:40,028 --> 00:09:43,012 be. But somebody has to ask, what 146 00:09:43,013 --> 00:09:46,017 the hell is happening with that woman back there? 147 00:09:46,018 --> 00:09:50,001 [ Laughter ] Because I only nod that much 148 00:09:50,002 --> 00:09:53,001 when a waiter asks if I'll be having mimosas at brunch. 149 00:09:53,002 --> 00:09:58,015 So either that's Candace Owens in a wig or baby girl answered 150 00:09:58,016 --> 00:10:04,004 the wrong Craigslist ad. Are you okay, miss? 151 00:10:04,005 --> 00:10:07,010 Are you listening to music on tiny headphones? 152 00:10:07,011 --> 00:10:11,001 I'm genuinely trying to understand what's happening. 153 00:10:11,002 --> 00:10:14,023 Because if you're not a plant, then I am deeply, deeply 154 00:10:14,024 --> 00:10:16,999 concerned for you, honey. She's probably just upset 155 00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:19,008 that I didn't win the nobel prize. 156 00:10:19,009 --> 00:10:21,000 Okay. I need to get out of here, 157 00:10:21,001 --> 00:10:25,023 because this is some spooky-ass Jordan peele nonsense. 158 00:10:25,024 --> 00:10:38,024 I just hope Joe's town hall is more inspiring than this. 159 00:10:38,025 --> 00:10:44,999 ♪ Let's make the most of this beautiful day ♪ 160 00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:49,024 ♪ since we're together we might as well say ♪ 161 00:10:49,025 --> 00:10:54,001 ♪ would you be mine could you be mine ♪ 162 00:10:54,002 --> 00:11:01,021 ♪ won't you be my neighbor ♪ what do you say? 163 00:11:01,022 --> 00:11:04,004 Will you be my neighbor, George? What? 164 00:11:04,005 --> 00:11:07,001 Oh, I'm sorry, I'm watching the Trump one. 165 00:11:07,002 --> 00:11:12,024 They're really going at it. And now, Savannah is telling 166 00:11:12,025 --> 00:11:15,016 him there's another question, but no, it was just a 167 00:11:15,017 --> 00:11:20,001 distraction! Savannah Guthrie has a folding 168 00:11:20,002 --> 00:11:23,003 chair! From the audience! 169 00:11:23,004 --> 00:11:33,015 And Trump doesn't see it! Oh, the humanity! 170 00:11:33,016 --> 00:11:35,013 ♪♪♪ and you see each tree has its 171 00:11:35,014 --> 00:11:40,008 own personality. Just like America. 172 00:11:40,009 --> 00:11:45,001 Does that answer your question, Justin? 173 00:11:45,002 --> 00:11:49,024 If I say yes, can I sit down? You betcha, buckaroo. 174 00:11:49,025 --> 00:11:55,020 Both my legs are sleeping. Well, Mr. Vice president, I 175 00:11:55,021 --> 00:11:58,001 believe we are about out of time. 176 00:11:58,002 --> 00:12:04,002 So I'm going to ask you for your closing statement. 177 00:12:04,003 --> 00:12:08,006 George, George, we have to restore sanity to the nation. 178 00:12:08,007 --> 00:12:13,027 If elected, I promise I won't tweet once. 179 00:12:13,028 --> 00:12:19,005 Because I don't know how. And I'll have exactly one 180 00:12:19,006 --> 00:12:22,001 scandal. I will mistake Angela merkel for 181 00:12:22,002 --> 00:12:28,002 my wife, from behind, and tell her she's got a rocking caboose. 182 00:12:28,003 --> 00:12:29,004 [ Laughter ] There's no malice in that. 183 00:12:29,005 --> 00:12:36,021 That's it! In conclusion, there's only 184 00:12:36,022 --> 00:12:39,011 one question that matters. Just ask yourselves, America, 185 00:12:39,012 --> 00:12:41,008 aren't you better off than you were four years ago? 186 00:12:41,009 --> 00:12:45,010 No! All right, then just try and 187 00:12:45,011 --> 00:12:46,014 take me alive. And live from New York, it's 188 00:12:46,015 --> 00:12:50,022 Saturday night! [ Cheers and applause ] 189 00:12:50,023 --> 00:12:53,023 ♪♪♪ announcer: It's "Saturday 190 00:12:53,024 --> 00:14:56,005 night live. With -- 191 00:14:56,006 --> 00:14:58,005 announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, issa rae! 192 00:14:58,006 --> 00:15:01,013 [ Cheers and applause ] 193 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:20,019 Thank you, thank you so much. This is crazy. 194 00:15:20,020 --> 00:15:22,015 Right? It is amazing to be here hosting 195 00:15:22,016 --> 00:15:27,017 "Saturday night live." [ Cheers and applause ] 196 00:15:27,018 --> 00:15:31,018 I can't believe I just walked down the same steps as some of 197 00:15:31,019 --> 00:15:36,999 my favorite comedy legends, like Tina fey and Amy poehler, y'all. 198 00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:41,021 So many of my inside jokes, my family's inside jokes -- hi, 199 00:15:41,022 --> 00:15:45,020 family -- come from "SNL." I'm just so happy to be here. 200 00:15:45,021 --> 00:15:47,999 And I'm so scared right now, to be honest. 201 00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:51,006 I'm so scared that I might throw up. 202 00:15:51,007 --> 00:15:54,013 But I got to hold it down, because -- I'm the first black 203 00:15:54,014 --> 00:16:01,007 person to host "SNL," y'all! [ Cheers and applause ] 204 00:16:01,008 --> 00:16:02,009 Folks, I'm really not, okay, I'm lying. 205 00:16:02,010 --> 00:16:05,014 [ Laughter ] But y'all believed it for a 206 00:16:05,015 --> 00:16:10,011 second. What if I can lie to y'all like 207 00:16:10,012 --> 00:16:14,025 that? What if y'all didn't even 208 00:16:14,026 --> 00:16:17,002 notice? If this show goes bad, though, 209 00:16:17,003 --> 00:16:18,018 just blame it on me, Mary j. Blige. 210 00:16:18,019 --> 00:16:22,002 [ Laughter ] I was actually supposed to host 211 00:16:22,003 --> 00:16:25,010 the show back in march when I had two movies and season 4 of 212 00:16:25,011 --> 00:16:29,017 my show "insecure" coming out. [ Cheers and applause ] 213 00:16:29,018 --> 00:16:35,003 But now I'm here, and there really is no reason. 214 00:16:35,004 --> 00:16:37,006 Because I have nothing going on. Like nothing. 215 00:16:37,007 --> 00:16:41,014 People keep asking me, what have you been working on? 216 00:16:41,015 --> 00:16:42,999 And I'm like, uh -- puzzles, bitch? 217 00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:44,022 I don't know. [ Laughter ] 218 00:16:44,023 --> 00:16:51,006 What have you been working on, since you're all in my business? 219 00:16:51,007 --> 00:16:53,023 My show actually premiered four years ago this month, right 220 00:16:53,024 --> 00:16:57,008 before the last election. And the results came in. 221 00:16:57,009 --> 00:16:58,028 And of course everybody was freaking out. 222 00:16:58,029 --> 00:17:05,011 I was freaking out. And I felt really awkward for my 223 00:17:05,012 --> 00:17:09,028 life to be going so good, you know? 224 00:17:09,029 --> 00:17:12,999 Like it was rude to be peaking right when democracy was 225 00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:14,012 collapsing. [ Laughter ] 226 00:17:14,013 --> 00:17:16,007 It was really weird to say, thank god for what happened in 227 00:17:16,008 --> 00:17:21,015 the fall of 2016. You know, when I first got a TV 228 00:17:21,016 --> 00:17:23,999 show I thought everything would kind of feel different. 229 00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:28,003 But it really just felt like high school. 230 00:17:28,004 --> 00:17:31,015 Like the show was kind of based on a web series I made back in 231 00:17:31,016 --> 00:17:34,017 the day called "the misadventures of an awkward 232 00:17:34,018 --> 00:17:36,014 black girl." Honestly, that's how I felt all 233 00:17:36,015 --> 00:17:37,021 the time, just awkward and black. 234 00:17:37,022 --> 00:17:39,007 I felt like a freshman that first year. 235 00:17:39,008 --> 00:17:43,020 You know? I'd see all the cliques and the 236 00:17:43,021 --> 00:17:48,011 cool girls that I wanted to be friends with. 237 00:17:48,012 --> 00:17:52,019 And I evened got bullied sometimes. 238 00:17:52,020 --> 00:17:56,006 . you guys know it as Twitter. 239 00:17:56,007 --> 00:17:57,007 Twitter can be so scary sometimes. 240 00:17:57,008 --> 00:17:59,006 Being dragged on social media feels like a low-stakes horror 241 00:17:59,007 --> 00:18:03,025 movie where, when you're on it, it feels like, oh! 242 00:18:03,026 --> 00:18:06,002 Oh my god, they're coming for me, where do I go? 243 00:18:06,003 --> 00:18:30,008 And your battery dies and you're like, oh. 244 00:18:30,009 --> 00:18:33,018 Sometimes you have a Hollywood event and you have four seconds 245 00:18:33,019 --> 00:18:36,000 to remember their name. But you buy time by starting 246 00:18:36,001 --> 00:18:39,021 with, oh my god! Hey, look at you! 247 00:18:39,022 --> 00:18:43,014 If they call me out on it, like come on, issa, you know me. 248 00:18:43,015 --> 00:18:47,024 I just go, excuse me, I'm Mary j. Blige, racist. 249 00:18:47,025 --> 00:18:54,000 [ Laughter ] But doing my show for the last 250 00:18:54,001 --> 00:18:57,018 four years is like high school, then hosting "SNL" is like my 251 00:18:57,019 --> 00:18:58,019 prom. And you guys are all my dates. 252 00:18:58,020 --> 00:19:05,011 [ Cheers and applause ] And I'm ready to go all the way, 253 00:19:05,012 --> 00:19:07,008 y'all! We have a great show for you. 254 00:19:07,009 --> 00:19:11,002 Justin bieber is here. [ Cheers and applause ] 255 00:19:11,003 --> 00:19:21,006 So stick around and we'll be right back! 256 00:19:21,007 --> 00:19:26,008 You're watching CDC, the Canadian broadcasting 257 00:19:26,009 --> 00:19:33,015 corporation. 258 00:19:37,006 --> 00:19:40,025 Live from Montreal, the best part of Canada, the worst part 259 00:19:40,026 --> 00:19:46,016 of France. My name is Jean-Lawrence, or 260 00:19:46,017 --> 00:19:48,012 John Larry. I'm joined by my beautiful 261 00:19:48,013 --> 00:19:51,027 cohost, Anne-Marie. Bonjour. 262 00:19:51,028 --> 00:19:53,027 Bonjour. How was your weekend? 263 00:19:53,028 --> 00:19:58,001 I suffer injury when I made love to a cirque du soleil 264 00:19:58,002 --> 00:19:59,018 performer. I choke on the big scarf. 265 00:19:59,019 --> 00:20:03,015 So it was a bold weekend. Today we are with our colleague 266 00:20:03,016 --> 00:20:05,002 from the south, he is an 267 00:20:09,029 --> 00:20:17,001 American journalist quarantined in Canada because of COVID-19. 268 00:20:17,002 --> 00:20:19,027 Please welcome from Detroit, Michigan, Jean-Fred. 269 00:20:19,028 --> 00:20:23,999 Marcie for having moi. But my name is actually Fred. 270 00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,017 I said Jean-Fred. Nope. 271 00:20:26,018 --> 00:20:29,020 Just Fred. Please welcome Jean-forehead 272 00:20:29,021 --> 00:20:35,018 desjardins. Okay. 273 00:20:35,019 --> 00:20:38,007 "Hot takes!" Parliament has proposed a 274 00:20:38,008 --> 00:20:41,021 controversial resolution for guaranteed universal income, but 275 00:20:41,022 --> 00:20:45,028 is this just an empty welfare promise? 276 00:20:45,029 --> 00:21:00,005 We'll get your take. [ Speaking foreign language ] 277 00:21:00,006 --> 00:21:04,014 Jean-Fred? Uh -- yes? 278 00:21:04,015 --> 00:21:06,002 Or no? I'm sorry, I don't speak 279 00:21:06,003 --> 00:21:12,011 whatever French this is. And that's today's "hot 280 00:21:12,012 --> 00:21:15,005 take." now it's time for our weekly 281 00:21:15,006 --> 00:21:19,013 segment with our correspondent awa sene. 282 00:21:19,014 --> 00:21:21,999 Bonjour, this is "Drake watch." 283 00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:26,018 Oh, yes, this is the part of the show where we find out if 284 00:21:26,019 --> 00:21:28,022 you saw Drake. Awa, did you see Drake today? 285 00:21:28,023 --> 00:21:34,009 No. This has been "Drake watch." 286 00:21:34,010 --> 00:21:37,014 Um, sorry, that's it? That's the whole segment? 287 00:21:37,015 --> 00:21:42,001 Oh, well, I thought I saw Drake, but it was just my friend 288 00:21:42,002 --> 00:21:44,020 etienne. Etienne looks a lot like Drake. 289 00:21:44,021 --> 00:21:49,007 Plus I was confused because he was kind on a basketball court. 290 00:21:49,008 --> 00:21:51,006 Did you check anywhere else for Drake? 291 00:21:51,007 --> 00:21:53,009 Yes. I almost found him this morning 292 00:21:53,010 --> 00:21:55,004 when I saw a man in a wheelchair. 293 00:21:55,005 --> 00:22:02,003 But then I remembered Drake was only in a wheelchair for 294 00:22:02,004 --> 00:22:05,016 pretend. Okay. 295 00:22:05,017 --> 00:22:08,015 Awa, please keep us posted if you see Drake. 296 00:22:08,016 --> 00:22:12,016 Oui, of course. This has been "Drake watch." 297 00:22:12,017 --> 00:22:13,013 Yoo-hoo, Drake! 298 00:22:16,018 --> 00:22:20,015 What an exciting segment. Jean-Fred, did you like Drake? 299 00:22:20,016 --> 00:22:25,008 I don't know, he's kind of fallen off recently -- 300 00:22:25,009 --> 00:22:29,025 [ screaming in foreign language ] 301 00:22:29,026 --> 00:22:33,003 Your guest, please. How is this a news show? 302 00:22:33,004 --> 00:22:34,028 It's time for "traffic report." 303 00:22:34,029 --> 00:22:39,028 Today I was driving to work in my peugeot. 304 00:22:39,029 --> 00:22:46,022 I took a left on Avenue Jacques cartier, then I parked in a 305 00:22:46,023 --> 00:22:49,001 parking garage. Great traffic report. 306 00:22:49,002 --> 00:22:51,017 Uh -- you can smoke in the studio? 307 00:22:51,018 --> 00:22:55,020 Oh, okay, I hear now that we have a breaking story, we must 308 00:22:55,021 --> 00:22:56,020 cut right away. 309 00:23:01,005 --> 00:23:06,011 Bonjour, hi! I am at cn tower with a dramatic 310 00:23:06,012 --> 00:23:09,003 development in the search for Drake. 311 00:23:09,004 --> 00:23:12,001 He is there? No, Drake is not here. 312 00:23:12,002 --> 00:23:22,000 Then why are you there? As you can see, it is a 313 00:23:22,001 --> 00:23:24,010 famous view. Drake is not at this location 314 00:23:24,011 --> 00:23:28,025 but I thought I should check. But there is no Drake. 315 00:23:28,026 --> 00:23:30,021 That's breaking news? [ Screaming in foreign 316 00:23:30,022 --> 00:23:35,015 language ] 317 00:23:47,002 --> 00:23:49,017 Ah, we are almost out of time. 318 00:23:49,018 --> 00:23:53,021 Thank you to Jean-Fred. Please accept our famous big 319 00:23:53,022 --> 00:23:57,001 weird bagels. Sorry, these are bagels? 320 00:23:57,002 --> 00:24:00,024 Why is everything 25% different here? 321 00:24:00,025 --> 00:24:05,001 In Quebec we say, tastes better with the big o. 322 00:24:05,002 --> 00:24:12,025 Yes, lick the cream cheese out of the o. 323 00:24:12,026 --> 00:24:14,018 Jean-Fred, stick your face in the big hole. 324 00:24:14,019 --> 00:24:19,019 Hey, hey, hey! I regret doing that on camera. 325 00:24:19,020 --> 00:24:23,018 Well, it's time to say au revoir. 326 00:24:23,019 --> 00:24:29,021 We're sad to go, but that's the way it is! 327 00:24:29,022 --> 00:24:35,006 ♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ 328 00:24:35,007 --> 00:24:45,028 ♪ and that's the way it is ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] 329 00:24:45,029 --> 00:24:50,021 All these protests and civil unrest. 330 00:24:50,022 --> 00:24:51,028 It's clear that people are hurting. 331 00:24:51,029 --> 00:24:53,012 But how can I help when I don't even understand what some people 332 00:24:53,013 --> 00:24:55,021 in this country go through every day? 333 00:24:55,022 --> 00:24:58,005 I wish there were an easier way. Now there is with new 5-hour 334 00:24:58,006 --> 00:25:00,013 empathy. 5-hour empathy? 335 00:25:00,014 --> 00:25:04,007 What's that? From the makers of 5-hour 336 00:25:04,008 --> 00:25:08,014 energy comes a brand-new formula that provides five full hours of 337 00:25:08,015 --> 00:25:10,999 complete intimate understanding of years of systemic oppression 338 00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:13,007 and ever-present racism. Wow. 339 00:25:13,008 --> 00:25:15,006 All that in one little bottle? That's right. 340 00:25:15,007 --> 00:25:21,021 That's great! So -- are you going to try 341 00:25:21,022 --> 00:25:26,006 it? Uh -- try -- uh -- what? 342 00:25:26,007 --> 00:25:28,013 The stuff? Yeah. 343 00:25:28,014 --> 00:25:32,013 The stuff I just told you about. You know it! 344 00:25:32,014 --> 00:25:35,022 I mean -- uh -- yeah. Well -- do you want to do 345 00:25:35,023 --> 00:25:38,007 that now? You did say you wanted to 346 00:25:38,008 --> 00:25:40,006 understand what was making people so upset. 347 00:25:40,007 --> 00:25:41,014 I do. Did you say it lasts five hours? 348 00:25:41,015 --> 00:25:42,999 That's right. Oh! 349 00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:45,014 Yeah. I can't. 350 00:25:45,015 --> 00:25:47,999 I, uh -- you're not scared, are you? 351 00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:50,999 Scared? No! 352 00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:57,021 Okay. Fine. 353 00:25:57,022 --> 00:26:01,028 Oh. Wow. 354 00:26:01,029 --> 00:26:04,013 I get it now. I need to do better. 355 00:26:04,014 --> 00:26:06,021 The cap is still on. Come on, man. 356 00:26:06,022 --> 00:26:09,006 I'm not a racist! I'm voting for biden, what more 357 00:26:09,007 --> 00:26:12,006 do you want? Honey, what's wrong? 358 00:26:12,007 --> 00:26:16,014 Are too many NFL players kneeling again? 359 00:26:16,015 --> 00:26:17,999 What? No, I wish more would. 360 00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:20,999 Look, she'll take it. No, I don't need that because 361 00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:25,006 I'm a woman, so it's the same. She said what? 362 00:26:25,007 --> 00:26:27,022 Hey, man. We get it. 363 00:26:27,023 --> 00:26:29,021 We're good here. They fired uncle Ben. 364 00:26:29,022 --> 00:26:32,013 Everything's fine. Get out of my house. 365 00:26:32,014 --> 00:26:33,999 Or what, you're going to call the police? 366 00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:36,021 Oh -- you -- you're trying to -- now I'm not going to -- 367 00:26:36,022 --> 00:26:38,021 okay, fine. I'll take it. 368 00:26:38,022 --> 00:26:42,022 Great. Do it. 369 00:26:42,023 --> 00:26:45,999 That makes sense. 5-hour empathy. 370 00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:48,014 For when you just don't get it. 371 00:26:53,012 --> 00:26:59,018 I guess the waiter forgot to give us menus? 372 00:26:59,019 --> 00:27:01,001 Oh, no, the menu is on the bar code thing, take a picture 373 00:27:01,002 --> 00:27:02,023 and it's on your phone. That's convenient. 374 00:27:02,024 --> 00:27:07,004 Right? I take it you haven't been on a 375 00:27:07,005 --> 00:27:08,003 date since COVID? Not really. 376 00:27:08,004 --> 00:27:09,007 Then again, I didn't date before COVID either. 377 00:27:09,008 --> 00:27:11,007 Really? That's a surprise. 378 00:27:11,008 --> 00:27:13,007 Yeah, I don't have the best luck with guys. 379 00:27:13,008 --> 00:27:15,022 They all end up crazy. What's your type? 380 00:27:15,023 --> 00:27:18,000 Not you. Damn. 381 00:27:18,001 --> 00:27:22,009 No, I didn't mean it like that. 382 00:27:22,010 --> 00:27:24,007 That came out wrong. I meant, I don't usually date 383 00:27:24,008 --> 00:27:28,009 guys who take me to fancy places like this. 384 00:27:28,010 --> 00:27:33,022 This is really nice. Oh, well, I'm happy I could 385 00:27:33,023 --> 00:27:35,999 show you this. Yeah, me too. 386 00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:38,014 You know what's good is this crab ravioli in cream sauce, 387 00:27:38,015 --> 00:27:42,023 right? Sharon? 388 00:27:42,024 --> 00:27:45,013 Sharon? That is you, girl. 389 00:27:45,014 --> 00:27:50,018 Hey, Clifford. You are looking good! 390 00:27:50,019 --> 00:27:56,017 Mm, mm, mm! I see you got them yams out, 391 00:27:56,018 --> 00:28:05,010 mm-mm. Looking all pretty, titty meat 392 00:28:05,011 --> 00:28:07,000 all popping out. Clifford, I'm kind of busy 393 00:28:07,001 --> 00:28:08,013 right now. My bad, my bad, I didn't mean 394 00:28:08,014 --> 00:28:09,014 to intrude. Well, you are. 395 00:28:09,015 --> 00:28:12,027 Okay. Live your life, girl. 396 00:28:12,028 --> 00:28:14,015 Live your life. But it is good to see you. 397 00:28:14,016 --> 00:28:16,014 You go. Mm, mm, mm. 398 00:28:16,015 --> 00:28:19,019 The one that got away. Good-bye, Clifford. 399 00:28:19,020 --> 00:28:23,022 Oh, all right. Hey, bruh. 400 00:28:23,023 --> 00:28:27,013 She is a woman, all right? Don't you mess it up like I did. 401 00:28:27,014 --> 00:28:30,003 Okay. Hey, you want to buy this 402 00:28:30,004 --> 00:28:32,011 flower? You don't have to do that. 403 00:28:32,012 --> 00:28:34,004 Bye, Clifford. Oh, man, you hating on my 404 00:28:34,005 --> 00:28:38,018 business, okay, fine. I am so sorry about that. 405 00:28:38,019 --> 00:28:40,010 No, that's cool. So you know him or something? 406 00:28:40,011 --> 00:28:43,003 Yeah. We sort of kind of dated for a 407 00:28:43,004 --> 00:28:46,018 while. Like when y'all were kids? 408 00:28:46,019 --> 00:28:51,010 No, we used to work together. Anyway. 409 00:28:51,011 --> 00:28:53,009 So the ravioli is in a cream sauce? 410 00:28:53,010 --> 00:28:58,003 The what, now? The crab ravioli. 411 00:28:58,004 --> 00:28:59,019 Oh -- I'll burn this whole place to 412 00:28:59,020 --> 00:29:03,011 the ground! Sharon? 413 00:29:03,012 --> 00:29:05,003 [ Laughter ] That you, girl? 414 00:29:05,004 --> 00:29:08,014 You've got to be kidding me. Hey, karate man. 415 00:29:08,015 --> 00:29:10,003 Karate man? Konnichiwa, girl. 416 00:29:10,004 --> 00:29:11,026 Look at you. Legs all out like ka pow! 417 00:29:11,027 --> 00:29:16,003 Ka blam! Yo, my man. 418 00:29:16,004 --> 00:29:17,015 Karate man. Okay, karate man, do you 419 00:29:17,016 --> 00:29:18,025 mind? We're on a date right now. 420 00:29:18,026 --> 00:29:24,015 A date? So that's how you're living now, 421 00:29:24,016 --> 00:29:26,008 Sharon? Karate man what do you want 422 00:29:26,009 --> 00:29:28,003 from me? Okay, you said you wanted your 423 00:29:28,004 --> 00:29:30,011 space so I gave it to you. You're right, you're right. 424 00:29:30,012 --> 00:29:31,018 But losing you was my only regret. 425 00:29:31,019 --> 00:29:34,011 You only have one regret? [ Laughter ] 426 00:29:34,012 --> 00:29:36,003 Anyway, I'll go. I don't mean to ruin your feng 427 00:29:36,004 --> 00:29:38,018 shui. Well, you are. 428 00:29:38,019 --> 00:29:43,000 Take care of her, man. She likes her butt slapped. 429 00:29:43,001 --> 00:29:46,027 [ Laughter ] I am so, so sorry. 430 00:29:46,028 --> 00:29:48,026 Wow. Two exes in a row, what are the 431 00:29:48,027 --> 00:29:53,005 odds? And he broke up with you? 432 00:29:53,006 --> 00:29:55,019 I wish. He just ghosted me. 433 00:29:55,020 --> 00:29:58,010 Maybe we should just go inside. We can't, they're like at 2% 434 00:29:58,011 --> 00:29:59,025 capacity. Where are you meeting these 435 00:29:59,026 --> 00:30:04,007 dudes? Oh, well, work mostly. 436 00:30:04,008 --> 00:30:05,014 Look, I don't want to talk about them. 437 00:30:05,015 --> 00:30:07,007 Tell me about you. What do you do? 438 00:30:07,008 --> 00:30:12,003 Well, I just made partner at the law firm I work at. 439 00:30:12,004 --> 00:30:13,016 First person of color. Wow! 440 00:30:13,017 --> 00:30:15,017 Yeah. Is that Sharon? 441 00:30:15,018 --> 00:30:17,014 [ Laughter ] Another one? 442 00:30:17,015 --> 00:30:24,009 That is Sharon. I see you trying to hide from 443 00:30:24,010 --> 00:30:26,021 me, girl, I'd recognize that pit meat anyway. 444 00:30:26,022 --> 00:30:30,007 Hey, robot. Been awhile. 445 00:30:30,008 --> 00:30:32,006 Remember my dog, astro? You got a little chocolate daddy 446 00:30:32,007 --> 00:30:33,014 now. I ain't mad at ya. 447 00:30:33,015 --> 00:30:38,002 What did you call me? I ain't got time to flap, I'm 448 00:30:38,003 --> 00:30:43,013 late for a protest. They're trying to close down the 449 00:30:43,014 --> 00:30:47,024 peep world on eighth Avenue. Just take them, robot. 450 00:30:47,025 --> 00:30:51,014 I'll see you around, sugar. Okay, tell me you didn't date 451 00:30:51,015 --> 00:30:52,016 him too. No, he's just a work friend. 452 00:30:52,017 --> 00:30:55,011 But we had a lot of sex. Eww. 453 00:30:55,012 --> 00:30:57,011 Where the hell do you work? Just around the corner. 454 00:30:57,012 --> 00:31:01,012 I told you, I'm an Elsa. An Elsa? 455 00:31:01,013 --> 00:31:03,011 Yeah, I'm a Times Square Elsa. 456 00:31:03,012 --> 00:31:05,027 First woman of color, by the way. 457 00:31:05,028 --> 00:31:07,014 Okay, you definitely never told me that. 458 00:31:07,015 --> 00:31:09,006 Remember? I said I was a Princess? 459 00:31:09,007 --> 00:31:13,005 I thought that meant your dad was rich. 460 00:31:13,006 --> 00:31:15,026 Look, I'm sorry if this is all too weird. 461 00:31:15,027 --> 00:31:19,018 Maybe I should leave. No. 462 00:31:19,019 --> 00:31:22,028 No, no, wait, look. I'm not going to judge you based 463 00:31:22,029 --> 00:31:25,026 off your past, all right? Let's forget all that and start 464 00:31:25,027 --> 00:31:26,020 over, all right? Deal? 465 00:31:26,021 --> 00:31:30,003 Yeah. Duane? 466 00:31:30,004 --> 00:31:35,014 Is that you, Duane? Oh, hey, Kristin. 467 00:31:35,015 --> 00:31:49,012 Who is this bitch? [ Cheers and applause ] 468 00:31:49,013 --> 00:31:52,003 Ladies and gentlemen, Justin bieber. 469 00:31:52,004 --> 00:31:56,003 [ Cheers and applause ] 470 00:31:56,024 --> 00:32:05,000 ♪♪♪ ♪ I hear a lot about sinners 471 00:32:05,001 --> 00:32:08,022 don't think that I'll be a Saint 472 00:32:08,023 --> 00:32:15,009 but I might go down ♪ ♪ to the river 473 00:32:15,010 --> 00:32:18,008 'cause the way that the sky opens up when we touch 474 00:32:18,009 --> 00:32:21,000 yeah it's making me say ♪ ♪ that the way you hold me 475 00:32:21,001 --> 00:32:24,008 hold me hold me hold me hold me 476 00:32:24,009 --> 00:32:31,011 feels so ♪ ♪ holy holy holy holy holy 477 00:32:31,012 --> 00:32:33,019 oh god runnin' to the altar 478 00:32:33,020 --> 00:32:38,004 like a track star ♪ ♪ can't wait another second 479 00:32:38,005 --> 00:32:40,004 the way you hold me hold me hold me 480 00:32:40,005 --> 00:32:43,004 hold me hold me ♪ ♪ feels so holy 481 00:32:43,005 --> 00:32:48,004 I don't do well with the drama 482 00:32:48,005 --> 00:32:52,019 and no I can't stand it ♪ ♪ being fake 483 00:32:52,020 --> 00:33:04,002 no no no no no no no no I don't believe in nirvana 484 00:33:04,003 --> 00:33:09,015 but the way that we love in the night gave me life baby I can't 485 00:33:09,016 --> 00:33:15,027 explain that the way you hold me hold me hold me ♪ 486 00:33:15,028 --> 00:33:20,007 ♪ feels so holy holy holy holy oh god ♪ 487 00:33:20,008 --> 00:33:22,001 ♪ runnin' to the altar like a track star 488 00:33:22,002 --> 00:33:23,024 can't wait another second 'cause the way you ♪ 489 00:33:23,025 --> 00:33:25,016 ♪ hold me hold me hold me hold me hold me 490 00:33:25,017 --> 00:33:28,023 feels so holy they say we're ♪ 491 00:33:28,024 --> 00:33:31,001 ♪ too young and the pimps and the players 492 00:33:31,002 --> 00:33:34,000 say don't go crushing wise men say fools rush in ♪ 493 00:33:34,001 --> 00:33:39,015 ♪ but I don't know they say we're 494 00:33:39,016 --> 00:33:41,023 too young and the pimps and the players ♪ 495 00:33:41,024 --> 00:33:48,015 ♪ say don't go crushing wise men say fools rush in 496 00:33:48,016 --> 00:33:51,008 but I don't know chance the rapper ♪ 497 00:33:51,009 --> 00:33:54,015 ♪ the first step pleases the father 498 00:33:54,016 --> 00:33:59,023 might be the hardest to take ♪ 499 00:33:59,024 --> 00:34:05,000 ♪ but when you come out of the water 500 00:34:05,001 --> 00:34:07,008 I'm a believer my heart is fleshy ♪ 501 00:34:07,009 --> 00:34:11,999 ♪ life is short with a temper like Joe pesci 502 00:34:12,000 --> 00:34:13,016 they want to come and sing your praises ♪ 503 00:34:13,017 --> 00:34:14,023 ♪ your name is catchy but they don't see you 504 00:34:14,024 --> 00:34:19,000 how I see you parlay and desi ♪ 505 00:34:19,001 --> 00:34:21,008 ♪ cross tween tween hit the jet speed 506 00:34:21,009 --> 00:34:23,015 when they get messy go lefty like Lionel messi ♪ 507 00:34:23,016 --> 00:34:25,008 ♪ let's take a trip and get the vespas 508 00:34:25,009 --> 00:34:27,000 or rent a jetski I know the spots that ♪ 509 00:34:27,001 --> 00:34:30,001 ♪ got the best weed we goin' next week 510 00:34:30,002 --> 00:34:31,023 I wanna I wanna honor you ♪ father's child 511 00:34:31,024 --> 00:34:33,008 I know when the son takes the first steps 512 00:34:33,009 --> 00:34:34,023 the father's proud ♪ ♪ if you make it 513 00:34:34,024 --> 00:34:36,008 to the water he'll part the clouds 514 00:34:36,009 --> 00:34:38,008 I know he made you a ♪ ♪ snack like Oscar proud 515 00:34:38,009 --> 00:34:41,008 suffer it to be so now gotta clean it up 516 00:34:41,009 --> 00:34:43,001 formalize the union ♪ ♪ in communion he can trust 517 00:34:43,002 --> 00:34:45,001 I know I ain't leaving you like I know 518 00:34:45,002 --> 00:34:47,000 he ain't leaving us ♪ ♪ I know we believe in god 519 00:34:47,001 --> 00:34:51,000 and I know god believes in us ♪ 520 00:34:51,001 --> 00:34:52,022 ♪ the way you hold me hold me hold me 521 00:34:52,023 --> 00:34:55,022 hold me hold me feels so ♪ 522 00:34:55,023 --> 00:35:00,004 ♪ holy holy holy holy holy oh god 523 00:35:00,005 --> 00:35:03,019 runnin' to the altar like a track star ♪ 524 00:35:03,020 --> 00:35:06,012 ♪ can't wait another second oh god 525 00:35:06,013 --> 00:35:10,005 runnin' to the altar like a track star ♪ 526 00:35:10,006 --> 00:35:12,012 ♪ can't wait another second oh god 527 00:35:12,013 --> 00:35:15,004 runnin' to the altar like a track star ♪ 528 00:35:15,005 --> 00:35:18,026 ♪ can't wait another second the way you hold me 529 00:35:18,027 --> 00:35:27,026 hold me hold me hold me feels so holy ♪♪♪ 530 00:35:27,027 --> 00:35:35,016 [ Cheers and applause ] 531 00:35:42,024 --> 00:35:47,001 It's "weekend update" with Colin jost and Michael che. 532 00:35:47,002 --> 00:35:53,004 [ Cheers and applause ] Thank you. 533 00:35:53,005 --> 00:35:54,018 Good evening, everyone. Welcome to "weekend update." 534 00:35:54,019 --> 00:35:57,019 I'm Michael che. I'm Colin jost. 535 00:35:57,020 --> 00:35:59,001 This week, President Trump held more coronavirus give-aways 536 00:35:59,002 --> 00:36:03,017 across the country. As part of his "herd immunity" 537 00:36:03,018 --> 00:36:06,014 tour. He started in Florida and showed 538 00:36:06,015 --> 00:36:08,022 off how healthy his brain is, saying this. 539 00:36:08,023 --> 00:36:12,026 They say I'm immune, I can feel -- I feel so powerful. 540 00:36:12,027 --> 00:36:16,007 [ Laughter ] Yeah. 541 00:36:16,008 --> 00:36:20,007 Nothing says I'm off steroids like screaming, I feel so 542 00:36:20,008 --> 00:36:34,022 powerful! Like Ross from "the gonies." 543 00:36:34,023 --> 00:36:40,004 Then at a rally in Pennsylvania, a congressman literally crowd 544 00:36:40,005 --> 00:36:43,016 surfed, I guess on the second wave of COVID, yet Trump seemed 545 00:36:43,017 --> 00:36:45,004 to think he could lose this election. 546 00:36:45,005 --> 00:36:46,014 Listen to this reserve. Could you imagine if I lose? 547 00:36:46,015 --> 00:36:47,026 My whole life, what am I going to do? 548 00:36:47,027 --> 00:36:49,012 I'm going to say, I lost to the worst candidate in the history 549 00:36:49,013 --> 00:36:51,019 of politics. I'm not going to feel so good. 550 00:36:51,020 --> 00:36:53,027 Maybe I'll have to leave the country, I don't know. 551 00:36:53,028 --> 00:36:56,010 Hey. Don't make promises you don't 552 00:36:56,011 --> 00:37:04,025 intend to keep. [ Laughter ] 553 00:37:04,026 --> 00:37:07,014 Besides, no other country would accept you, because you come 554 00:37:07,015 --> 00:37:10,014 from America which has way too many COVID cases. 555 00:37:10,015 --> 00:37:11,018 [ Laughter ] Though it would be very 556 00:37:11,019 --> 00:37:15,005 satisfying if this all ends with Donald Trump becoming an illegal 557 00:37:15,006 --> 00:37:16,017 immigrant. [ Laughter ] 558 00:37:16,018 --> 00:37:19,004 To whatever country gets Trump, I just want to apologize, 559 00:37:19,005 --> 00:37:21,020 because we're not sending our best or our brightest. 560 00:37:21,021 --> 00:37:23,018 [ Laughter ] 561 00:37:25,016 --> 00:37:27,000 Nbc held a town hall event with President Trump because, 562 00:37:27,001 --> 00:37:36,010 what can I say, we have a type. [ Laughter and moans ] 563 00:37:36,011 --> 00:37:37,028 I'm sorry you guys don't like it. 564 00:37:37,029 --> 00:37:40,021 Who are these town halls even for? 565 00:37:40,022 --> 00:37:42,016 Who's still on the fence about this election? 566 00:37:42,017 --> 00:37:45,012 Whether you're voting for Trump or biden, you've definitely made 567 00:37:45,013 --> 00:37:47,999 up your mind and you're probably not thrilled about it. 568 00:37:48,000 --> 00:37:49,013 These choices are so bad that kanye's running and people are 569 00:37:49,014 --> 00:37:53,004 like, maybe? [ Laughter ] 570 00:37:53,005 --> 00:37:56,014 That wouldn't happen if we had actual, good candidates. 571 00:37:56,015 --> 00:38:00,002 When Kennedy was running against Nixon nobody was like, what 572 00:38:00,003 --> 00:38:06,005 about little Richard? [ Laughter ] 573 00:38:06,006 --> 00:38:14,025 C-span suspended debate moderator Steve sculley after 574 00:38:14,026 --> 00:38:16,002 falsely claiming his Twitter account was hacked. 575 00:38:16,003 --> 00:38:17,022 Wow. Just more juicy drama from those 576 00:38:17,023 --> 00:38:20,012 messy bitches at c-span. [ Laughter ] 577 00:38:20,013 --> 00:38:21,027 According to insiders, U.S. intelligence agencies warned the 578 00:38:21,028 --> 00:38:23,020 White House last year that Rudy giuliani was a target of an 579 00:38:23,021 --> 00:38:26,020 influence operation by Russian intelligence. 580 00:38:26,021 --> 00:38:30,020 I'm actually more worried about Russian intelligence if their 581 00:38:30,021 --> 00:38:32,004 plan was to rely on the American Mr. Bean. 582 00:38:32,005 --> 00:38:36,012 [ Laughter ] Counting on Rudy to carry out 583 00:38:36,013 --> 00:38:37,026 your secret mission is like handing your grocery list to 584 00:38:37,027 --> 00:38:41,025 your dog. [ Laughter ] 585 00:38:41,026 --> 00:38:44,025 It was also reported that after President Trump was warned that 586 00:38:44,026 --> 00:38:47,009 giuliani was being fed misinformation by the Russians, 587 00:38:47,010 --> 00:38:51,018 Trump just shrugged his shoulders and said, that's Rudy. 588 00:38:51,019 --> 00:38:56,001 That's Rudy, Thursdays on CBS. This week, President Trump 589 00:38:56,002 --> 00:39:00,001 also refused to condemn the conspiracy group q-anon, saying, 590 00:39:00,002 --> 00:39:07,005 I know nothing about q-anon. Which come on, how could he not 591 00:39:07,006 --> 00:39:09,019 know about q-anon? He's on Twitter all day. 592 00:39:09,020 --> 00:39:11,002 That would be like if I say, I know nothing about Lexington 593 00:39:11,003 --> 00:39:12,017 steel! Nothing. 594 00:39:12,018 --> 00:39:17,005 [ Laughter ] I think he's probably just never 595 00:39:17,006 --> 00:39:20,024 heard the word "q-anon" out loud before. 596 00:39:20,025 --> 00:39:21,027 When he got home he was like, oh, you meant canyon? 597 00:39:21,028 --> 00:39:23,004 Love those dudes! 598 00:39:25,020 --> 00:39:30,015 It's been a bumpy couple of weeks for the Trump family. 599 00:39:30,016 --> 00:39:48,026 Here is an update from first sons Eric and Don Trump Jr. 600 00:39:48,027 --> 00:39:51,004 Hey, Colin. Thanks for having us. 601 00:39:51,005 --> 00:39:54,001 Great -- great to see you guys. 602 00:39:54,002 --> 00:39:56,024 Let's lose the mask, buddy, can't hear you. 603 00:39:56,025 --> 00:39:59,023 Oh, it's wet! Have you been chewing on it, 604 00:39:59,024 --> 00:40:02,020 buddy? No. 605 00:40:02,021 --> 00:40:08,020 Okay. I'm very glad -- I'm very glad 606 00:40:08,021 --> 00:40:10,022 to see you both healthy. Oh, yeah. 607 00:40:10,023 --> 00:40:14,015 Healthy and thriving, Colin. I've been out on the campaign 608 00:40:14,016 --> 00:40:21,007 trail superspreading my father's message. 609 00:40:21,008 --> 00:40:27,000 And Eric had his very first zoom business meeting today. 610 00:40:27,001 --> 00:40:28,007 I was muted. You were. 611 00:40:28,008 --> 00:40:32,025 [ Laughter ] So good. 612 00:40:32,026 --> 00:40:35,006 Did great. Most polls show your father 613 00:40:35,007 --> 00:40:38,019 trailing Joe biden. Is he worried about losing 614 00:40:38,020 --> 00:40:41,009 re-election? Dad isn't worried about 615 00:40:41,010 --> 00:40:43,011 losing this election. In fact, he's terrified. 616 00:40:43,012 --> 00:40:44,003 No. 617 00:40:47,022 --> 00:40:54,024 No, he's not. Because, Colin, he knows his 618 00:40:54,025 --> 00:40:56,021 base will show up on election day. 619 00:40:56,022 --> 00:40:58,006 In fact, he calls all his supporters -- 620 00:40:58,007 --> 00:41:00,018 white trash. No. 621 00:41:00,019 --> 00:41:04,009 [ Laughter ] No, he does not. 622 00:41:04,010 --> 00:41:09,013 He does not. Yep, and he does that voice, 623 00:41:09,014 --> 00:41:12,023 ha ha! No. 624 00:41:12,024 --> 00:41:14,025 Do you want some hand sanitizer, buddy? 625 00:41:14,026 --> 00:41:16,020 Why don't you do that? You've been touching stuff all 626 00:41:16,021 --> 00:41:19,021 day. Look, Colin. 627 00:41:19,022 --> 00:41:22,006 Be careful with that, buddy. Sleepy creepy Joe doesn't have 628 00:41:22,007 --> 00:41:25,002 the stamina to pull off a win here. 629 00:41:25,003 --> 00:41:30,006 I'll tell you why. His platform is just reheated 630 00:41:30,007 --> 00:41:33,020 Obama-era policies that -- Eric, Eric -- did you drink it again? 631 00:41:33,021 --> 00:41:35,019 Dad said it was fine. [ Laughter ] 632 00:41:35,020 --> 00:41:41,012 It's not, buddy. Come on. 633 00:41:41,013 --> 00:41:42,011 98% alcohol. You okay? 634 00:41:42,012 --> 00:42:00,013 [ Laughter ] Uh-huh. 635 00:42:00,014 --> 00:42:07,025 So your father's confident he's going to win in November? 636 00:42:07,026 --> 00:42:12,005 Oh, yeah. And the whole family -- the 637 00:42:12,006 --> 00:42:17,002 whole family has got his back. Just ask our sister Tiffany. 638 00:42:17,003 --> 00:42:20,011 [ Cheers and applause ] 639 00:42:32,027 --> 00:42:36,018 Happy birthday to me! Hi, Colin. 640 00:42:36,019 --> 00:42:38,026 Hi, Tiffany. I see you're still celebrating 641 00:42:38,027 --> 00:42:44,002 your birthday. Even though you got some flack 642 00:42:44,003 --> 00:42:47,001 in the press. Yeah, the media got all butt 643 00:42:47,002 --> 00:42:51,007 hurt because I was part of a mass gathering in Miami in a 644 00:42:51,008 --> 00:42:55,016 boat. But my name is Tiffany, it's 645 00:42:55,017 --> 00:43:02,000 kind of my job to get faded on south beach. 646 00:43:02,001 --> 00:43:06,020 She's kidding, Colin. Don, Don, Don, who is that 647 00:43:06,021 --> 00:43:09,014 lady? That's your sister, Eric. 648 00:43:09,015 --> 00:43:12,004 Wait, tiff, I don't know if you and Eric have ever officially 649 00:43:12,005 --> 00:43:20,003 met. Not in person, no. 650 00:43:20,004 --> 00:43:29,003 Hi, not-vanka. Tiffany, I'm sorry. 651 00:43:29,004 --> 00:43:33,023 Hey, I'm used to it. No, hey, Tiffany, I have to 652 00:43:33,024 --> 00:43:36,013 ask, are you worried about spreading COVID to your party 653 00:43:36,014 --> 00:43:38,018 guests, considering your father just had it? 654 00:43:38,019 --> 00:43:40,003 Oh, no, daddy's always taken the six-foot social distance 655 00:43:40,004 --> 00:43:44,018 rule very seriously with me. As you can see, Colin, we're a 656 00:43:44,019 --> 00:43:48,999 united front. And we know dad is going to win 657 00:43:49,000 --> 00:43:51,015 no matter what the dems try to stir up, Colin. 658 00:43:51,016 --> 00:43:55,022 Like this latest debt nonsense. Please. 659 00:43:55,023 --> 00:43:58,016 My dad doesn't owe $400 million, he owes -- 660 00:43:58,017 --> 00:44:02,026 $800 million. No. 661 00:44:02,027 --> 00:44:04,004 Absolutely not. He owes -- 662 00:44:04,005 --> 00:44:09,004 $1 billion. No, he owes a little. 663 00:44:09,005 --> 00:44:11,019 But Colin, you know how my dad does business. 664 00:44:11,020 --> 00:44:15,020 He goes big or -- he goes to jail. 665 00:44:15,021 --> 00:44:21,015 No. I can't handle them both. 666 00:44:21,016 --> 00:44:24,025 The first kids, everyone. [ Cheers and applause ] 667 00:44:24,026 --> 00:44:30,010 According to Google, according to Google, 668 00:44:30,011 --> 00:44:31,025 the top Halloween costume searches this year are for 669 00:44:31,026 --> 00:44:34,002 witch, dinosaur, or Harley Quinn. 670 00:44:34,003 --> 00:44:35,999 Or you can combine all three by going as kellyanne Conway. 671 00:44:36,000 --> 00:44:39,019 [ Laughter ] 672 00:44:43,017 --> 00:44:46,020 The Latin American wife of Pennsylvania's lieutenant 673 00:44:46,021 --> 00:44:50,007 governor claims she was called a racist slur while at the grocery 674 00:44:50,008 --> 00:44:52,003 store. It's the worst case of racism at 675 00:44:52,004 --> 00:44:59,024 the grocery store since every jar of Newman's own salsa. 676 00:44:59,025 --> 00:45:06,022 Police reported that someone stole a 21-year-old ring-tailed 677 00:45:06,023 --> 00:45:08,007 lemur from the San Francisco zoo. 678 00:45:08,008 --> 00:45:09,019 For reference, this is what a 21-year-old ring-tailed lemur 679 00:45:09,020 --> 00:45:14,019 looks like. [ Laughter ] 680 00:45:14,020 --> 00:45:17,023 [ Laughter ] Voters across the country 681 00:45:17,024 --> 00:45:20,001 are making their final decisions on this election. 682 00:45:20,002 --> 00:45:24,006 We sent our very own aidy Bryant to check in with real voters out 683 00:45:24,007 --> 00:45:31,018 there in the heart land in our new segment, "aidy in America." 684 00:45:31,019 --> 00:45:33,000 ♪ Aidy in America ♪ aidy, how's it going out 685 00:45:33,001 --> 00:45:34,003 there? Not good, Colin. 686 00:45:34,004 --> 00:45:37,026 It's going pretty bad. Oh, okay. 687 00:45:37,027 --> 00:45:45,003 Well, where are you? Um -- I don't know. 688 00:45:45,004 --> 00:45:48,011 Okay. Well, have you spoken to any 689 00:45:48,012 --> 00:45:51,010 undecided voters? No, I have not. 690 00:45:51,011 --> 00:45:57,018 Haven't found a single one yet. I'm sorry. 691 00:45:57,019 --> 00:46:03,010 ♪ Aidy in America ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] 692 00:46:03,011 --> 00:46:04,023 Fisher price has launched an online museum showcasing its 693 00:46:04,024 --> 00:46:08,026 toys over 90 years. Or you can see them in person at 694 00:46:08,027 --> 00:46:13,025 America's famous toy museum, the neverland ranch. 695 00:46:13,026 --> 00:46:15,015 [ Audience moans ] I thought you wouldn't like 696 00:46:15,016 --> 00:46:16,028 that. 697 00:46:19,004 --> 00:46:22,018 According to new research, men with deeper voices are more 698 00:46:22,019 --> 00:46:25,007 likely to cheat on their partners. 699 00:46:25,008 --> 00:46:27,016 [ Using deep voice ] But you can't believe 700 00:46:27,017 --> 00:46:30,006 scientists, baby. [ Laughter ] 701 00:46:30,007 --> 00:46:34,019 [ Laughter ] Is that "voice blackface"? 702 00:46:34,020 --> 00:46:36,005 Police in Ohio say that a report of a homeless man 703 00:46:36,006 --> 00:46:38,019 sleeping on a bench turned out to be a statue, which was a huge 704 00:46:38,020 --> 00:46:43,015 relief, because they shot it 15 times. 705 00:46:43,016 --> 00:46:47,027 [ Laughter and moans ] Oh, man! 706 00:46:47,028 --> 00:46:53,019 A woman flying to Detroit said she woke up to a pastor 707 00:46:53,020 --> 00:46:56,009 urinating on her. Which explains why her dream was 708 00:46:56,010 --> 00:46:59,007 about being baptized. 709 00:47:05,002 --> 00:47:10,000 People in the art industry have criticized four different 710 00:47:10,001 --> 00:47:17,012 museums' plans to exhibit features of kkk. 711 00:47:17,013 --> 00:47:19,027 If you want to see portraits of klansmen, you can always search 712 00:47:19,028 --> 00:47:34,001 jost on ancestry.Com. [ Laughter ] 713 00:47:34,002 --> 00:47:35,010 A restaurant in San Francisco is selling a fried 714 00:47:35,011 --> 00:47:37,008 chicken sandwich that includes the chicken claw. 715 00:47:37,009 --> 00:47:42,008 Not to be outdone, kfc just announced their new beaks-only 716 00:47:42,009 --> 00:47:44,003 bucket. [ Laughter ] 717 00:47:44,004 --> 00:47:47,015 [ Laughter ] New York City bars and clubs 718 00:47:47,016 --> 00:47:52,008 have been closed for seven months due to the pandemic. 719 00:47:52,009 --> 00:47:54,009 Here to comment on the state of the night life industry is 720 00:47:54,010 --> 00:48:01,021 famous '80s cocaine wife Carla. [ Cheers and applause ] 721 00:48:01,022 --> 00:48:04,006 Hi! Hi, Michael, how are you, baby? 722 00:48:04,007 --> 00:48:06,005 I'm great, Carla. Yeah? 723 00:48:06,006 --> 00:48:07,008 Yeah, you good? Yeah. 724 00:48:07,009 --> 00:48:10,005 How's the family? How's Kate? 725 00:48:10,006 --> 00:48:12,018 She good? Kenan? 726 00:48:12,019 --> 00:48:15,006 Ha ha, you know kenan makes me laugh, Michael. 727 00:48:15,007 --> 00:48:18,014 He makes me laugh. Yeah, yeah, they're good, 728 00:48:18,015 --> 00:48:24,001 everybody's good. Yeah? 729 00:48:24,002 --> 00:48:28,019 So where's the after party? Where we going tonight, Michael? 730 00:48:28,020 --> 00:48:30,011 There's no after party, Carla, there's a virus. 731 00:48:30,012 --> 00:48:34,001 No party? Oh, come on, Michael. 732 00:48:34,002 --> 00:48:35,024 Where's the party. Emilio's? 733 00:48:35,025 --> 00:48:41,028 Canolios? You, me, lon, and a fat lasagna 734 00:48:41,029 --> 00:48:45,000 at 3:00 A.M., Michael? There's no party. 735 00:48:45,001 --> 00:48:47,001 We all have to go to work and we want to keep everybody safe. 736 00:48:47,002 --> 00:48:56,011 But I want to dance, Michael. I want to dance. 737 00:48:56,012 --> 00:48:59,009 Dance with me. Colin will dance with me, baby. 738 00:48:59,010 --> 00:49:04,019 Colin loves beautiful women. Yeah, I just -- I don't want 739 00:49:04,020 --> 00:49:06,999 to be involved in this. [ Laughter ] 740 00:49:07,000 --> 00:49:10,011 No, you know what? I just -- I saw on your 741 00:49:10,012 --> 00:49:14,028 monitor -- I got to powder my nose. 742 00:49:14,029 --> 00:49:19,012 Oh, Carla, no, Carla, what are you doing? 743 00:49:19,013 --> 00:49:22,000 I'm good, I'm good, Michael, I'm good. 744 00:49:22,001 --> 00:49:23,013 Carla, you're supposed to be here to talk about night life. 745 00:49:23,014 --> 00:49:24,014 A lot of people have lost their jobs. 746 00:49:24,015 --> 00:49:33,006 Job? I don't have a job, Michael. 747 00:49:33,007 --> 00:49:37,023 I'm a home wrecker, plaintiff? Of course, my husband Bobby has 748 00:49:37,024 --> 00:49:41,008 a lot of men working for him. Oh, yeah? 749 00:49:41,009 --> 00:49:42,023 What exactly does your husband do? 750 00:49:42,024 --> 00:49:45,000 Scaffolding garbage construction. 751 00:49:45,001 --> 00:49:50,003 [ Laughter ] He'd be jealous if he knew I was 752 00:49:50,004 --> 00:49:51,020 talking to you. Let's call him. 753 00:49:51,021 --> 00:49:56,011 No, I don't think that's a good idea. 754 00:49:56,012 --> 00:49:59,009 Hi, hi, baby. Yeah, yeah, no, it's me. 755 00:49:59,010 --> 00:50:02,015 No, good, I'm at church. [ Laughter ] 756 00:50:02,016 --> 00:50:05,000 No, no, I'm not with Michael, that's done. 757 00:50:05,001 --> 00:50:08,006 Wait, what's done? Yeah, he's right here. 758 00:50:08,007 --> 00:50:10,012 Michael, he wants to talk to you, and he's really angry, 759 00:50:10,013 --> 00:50:14,000 Michael. No! 760 00:50:14,001 --> 00:50:17,023 You know what contractorly, I think it's time for you to go, 761 00:50:17,024 --> 00:50:20,009 really. Oh, Michael! 762 00:50:20,010 --> 00:50:29,007 No! Don't get rid of me, Michael. 763 00:50:29,008 --> 00:50:31,010 Sure, have a little rust around the edges. 764 00:50:31,011 --> 00:50:37,022 But I'm still the same girl you met at the "update" desk a few 765 00:50:37,023 --> 00:50:43,007 years ago. Let me give you a sign, Michael. 766 00:50:43,008 --> 00:50:46,016 No! You really need to calm down. 767 00:50:46,017 --> 00:50:51,012 You calm down! Ow! 768 00:50:51,013 --> 00:50:54,020 You're hurting me, Michael, ow! Ow! 769 00:50:54,021 --> 00:50:58,007 Nobody is touching you. Okay. 770 00:50:58,008 --> 00:51:06,028 Hold on. I need to powder my nose. 771 00:51:06,029 --> 00:51:11,999 So. Where's the after party? 772 00:51:12,000 --> 00:51:23,028 Carla, everybody! >> 773 00:51:23,029 --> 00:51:29,001 ♪♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] 774 00:51:29,002 --> 00:51:31,023 Good morning. It's "your voice Chicago." 775 00:51:31,024 --> 00:51:35,000 I'm j. Louis tibbs coming to you this Sunday at 7:30 A.M. right 776 00:51:35,001 --> 00:51:36,015 before a two-hour commercial for a pot that you can cook a steak 777 00:51:36,016 --> 00:51:40,008 in. Joining me to talk local 778 00:51:40,009 --> 00:51:47,013 politics are lead counsel for Chicago's naacp, Janelle Davey, 779 00:51:47,014 --> 00:51:51,016 and a freelance writer for "the root," Lisa crowder. 780 00:51:51,017 --> 00:51:55,022 Now, there's so much talk about the national election, but today 781 00:51:55,023 --> 00:51:57,012 we focus on the local candidates. 782 00:51:57,013 --> 00:52:00,999 Which are so important, representation begins at the 783 00:52:01,000 --> 00:52:02,008 street level. Indeed, indeed. 784 00:52:02,009 --> 00:52:03,019 So Janelle, any strategy that you're using to vet some of 785 00:52:03,020 --> 00:52:10,999 these candidates? Louis, I'll be honest, I'm 786 00:52:11,000 --> 00:52:12,026 voting for everybody black. Everybody black? 787 00:52:12,027 --> 00:52:14,019 That's right. For too long, our people's 788 00:52:14,020 --> 00:52:17,027 voices have not been heard. It's our duty to stand together 789 00:52:17,028 --> 00:52:24,006 and take our power back. Okay, okay, I hear you. 790 00:52:24,007 --> 00:52:27,004 Representation matters. So let's first look at cook 791 00:52:27,005 --> 00:52:29,012 county's 3rd district where four-time incumbent frank 792 00:52:29,013 --> 00:52:31,004 polaski is running against 29-year-old lawyer Charlotte 793 00:52:31,005 --> 00:52:34,004 Raines. Charlotte has no experience in 794 00:52:34,005 --> 00:52:36,004 politics -- which is exactly why we need 795 00:52:36,005 --> 00:52:37,027 her. This is what I'm talking about, 796 00:52:37,028 --> 00:52:40,026 new voices. It's the only way any change 797 00:52:40,027 --> 00:52:46,006 will happen. Okay, I like that. 798 00:52:46,007 --> 00:52:49,004 You bet on black, girl. Okay, look like we got a 799 00:52:49,005 --> 00:52:50,027 favorite there. Let's go to district 10, which 800 00:52:50,028 --> 00:52:52,019 features a billionaire. Incumbent Scott trebor is 801 00:52:52,020 --> 00:52:54,027 running against the challenger Rashad Carter. 802 00:52:54,028 --> 00:52:59,004 A billionaire? Now see, how can someone who's 803 00:52:59,005 --> 00:53:07,011 so rich know anything about us? Money corrupts the whole system. 804 00:53:07,012 --> 00:53:11,008 Well, actually, rashard Carter is the billionaire. 805 00:53:11,009 --> 00:53:12,019 He owns a software company. I find that so inspiring. 806 00:53:12,020 --> 00:53:15,025 We need more entrepreneurs like that in our community. 807 00:53:15,026 --> 00:53:17,009 Look, at least he pays his taxes. 808 00:53:17,010 --> 00:53:18,022 That's right. I got to go with the democrat on 809 00:53:18,023 --> 00:53:21,023 this one. Well, Scott trebor is the 810 00:53:21,024 --> 00:53:23,008 democrat, Rashad Carter is a libertarian. 811 00:53:23,009 --> 00:53:26,004 Which is what I like about him. 812 00:53:26,005 --> 00:53:27,017 [ Laughter ] He's an independent thinker. 813 00:53:27,018 --> 00:53:32,024 Okay, great. Let's go to the city comp 814 00:53:32,025 --> 00:53:39,000 patroller race between democrat Catherine Lacy and independent 815 00:53:39,001 --> 00:53:40,008 candidate the reverend Deangelo banks -- 816 00:53:40,009 --> 00:53:41,023 no, sorry, I knew this man in elementary school. 817 00:53:41,024 --> 00:53:43,023 For some reason he had a dooky stain on his shoulder. 818 00:53:43,024 --> 00:53:46,015 He's a pastor now? He's only been a reverend 819 00:53:46,016 --> 00:53:50,000 eight months. He has no church. 820 00:53:50,001 --> 00:53:54,004 He says god has got him on lay-away. 821 00:53:54,005 --> 00:53:57,012 Let's take a look at one of his recent town halls. 822 00:53:57,013 --> 00:54:01,024 Hey, to the man, yes, friend. The rumors are true. 823 00:54:01,025 --> 00:54:04,002 I've spent money on a lot of strippers. 824 00:54:04,003 --> 00:54:06,007 But you have to understand, that was only because I owned a chain 825 00:54:06,008 --> 00:54:09,000 of strip clubs. I put that life behind me right 826 00:54:09,001 --> 00:54:15,003 after the clubs were shut down for tax fraud. 827 00:54:15,004 --> 00:54:16,011 Hallelujah. Outlamas tour base. 828 00:54:16,012 --> 00:54:21,001 I love it, amen! Looks like that town hall 829 00:54:21,002 --> 00:54:24,006 took place outside of a dry cleaner's. 830 00:54:24,007 --> 00:54:26,004 Do we like reverend banks? Absolutely. 831 00:54:26,005 --> 00:54:27,012 Come on, you just said he committed tax fraud. 832 00:54:27,013 --> 00:54:28,019 The comptroller handles the city's money. 833 00:54:28,020 --> 00:54:33,012 Which is perfect, he knows the system, all the loopholes. 834 00:54:33,013 --> 00:54:35,024 It would be like hiring Wesley snipes to do your taxes. 835 00:54:35,025 --> 00:54:41,028 Okay. Let's go over to district 6 836 00:54:41,029 --> 00:54:45,003 where the district's first Asian representative, Daniel Lee, is 837 00:54:45,004 --> 00:54:49,000 running against a conservative online duo that was featured on 838 00:54:49,001 --> 00:54:50,014 fox news and recently spoke at the cpac convention, crystal and 839 00:54:50,015 --> 00:54:52,008 caviar. I didn't know it was legal to 840 00:54:52,009 --> 00:54:57,005 run as a team. Oh, it's not. 841 00:54:57,006 --> 00:54:59,027 Either way, their newest livestream video came out today. 842 00:54:59,028 --> 00:55:01,012 Why don't we take a look. 843 00:55:02,005 --> 00:55:04,007 The media is always putting out fake news! 844 00:55:04,008 --> 00:55:08,010 Always. They say our president lies. 845 00:55:08,011 --> 00:55:10,999 Come on! He is not a liar. 846 00:55:11,000 --> 00:55:15,022 Well, sometimes he just exxagerbates. 847 00:55:15,023 --> 00:55:17,999 They say we got to wear a mask in the grocery store. 848 00:55:18,000 --> 00:55:20,014 Nope. But I don't need a mask. 849 00:55:20,015 --> 00:55:22,014 I, I'm so blessed. ♪ the mask is bad the 850 00:55:22,015 --> 00:55:23,999 mask is bad ♪ ♪ can't go all day 851 00:55:24,000 --> 00:55:30,008 smelling my own breath ♪ 852 00:55:30,009 --> 00:55:35,017 Okay. Janelle, your thoughts on 853 00:55:35,018 --> 00:55:38,028 crystal and caviar? Give me a minute. 854 00:55:38,029 --> 00:55:41,015 I'm sorry, but these two have absolutely no -- 855 00:55:41,016 --> 00:55:44,007 wait, I got it. Stay with me. 856 00:55:44,008 --> 00:55:45,017 These ladies are passionate. And we need more of that in 857 00:55:45,018 --> 00:55:47,014 politics, right? I guess. 858 00:55:47,015 --> 00:55:51,003 And Daniel Lee has been in office for 18 years now. 859 00:55:51,004 --> 00:55:52,018 We want someone who's been out there working in the real world, 860 00:55:52,019 --> 00:55:56,018 right? Both crystal and caviar are 861 00:55:56,019 --> 00:55:58,025 unemployed. Which is why we need to give 862 00:55:58,026 --> 00:56:00,017 them jobs as state representatives. 863 00:56:00,018 --> 00:56:06,011 Lift them up. Okay, I'm lifting but 864 00:56:06,012 --> 00:56:09,008 sometimes it's hard. Not really that hard. 865 00:56:09,009 --> 00:56:12,005 Why don't we take a break. When we come back, we'll talk 866 00:56:12,006 --> 00:56:14,016 about the presidential race between Donald Trump, Joe biden, 867 00:56:14,017 --> 00:56:18,028 and kanye west. Kanye? 868 00:56:18,029 --> 00:56:25,010 At him! [ Cheers and applause ] 869 00:56:25,011 --> 00:56:29,014 [ Cheers and applause ] Hey, issa. 870 00:56:29,015 --> 00:56:37,018 Hi, Kyle, what's up? Hanging. 871 00:56:37,019 --> 00:56:38,026 How's the week been? What are you doing? 872 00:56:38,027 --> 00:56:40,010 Nothing. Just chilling. 873 00:56:40,011 --> 00:56:45,003 ♪ You know it you know it get down on it ♪ 874 00:56:45,004 --> 00:56:46,012 Seems like you're dancing pretty hard over there. 875 00:56:46,013 --> 00:56:52,006 Really? Not that I noticed. 876 00:56:52,007 --> 00:56:54,006 ♪ Yo ♪ stop. 877 00:56:54,007 --> 00:56:56,001 Is this just because Justin bieber's here? 878 00:56:56,002 --> 00:57:00,014 Justin? ♪♪♪ 879 00:57:00,015 --> 00:57:05,017 Oh, yeah, Justin bieber. The cute singer? 880 00:57:05,018 --> 00:57:09,018 Wait, did you think if I saw you dancing, I would be so blown 881 00:57:09,019 --> 00:57:11,009 away I'd tell him about it? No. 882 00:57:11,010 --> 00:57:12,010 Yes. I'm the host. 883 00:57:12,011 --> 00:57:13,025 I don't, like, recommend dancers. 884 00:57:13,026 --> 00:57:20,003 Got it. ♪ what you want baby I got it 885 00:57:20,004 --> 00:57:27,011 what you need you know I got it ♪ 886 00:57:27,012 --> 00:57:30,006 I'm not going to let you do aretha like that. 887 00:57:30,007 --> 00:57:31,019 Look, even if you were a backup dancer, you've got something 888 00:57:31,020 --> 00:57:37,011 like that. He's more into something -- 889 00:57:37,012 --> 00:57:39,999 ♪ we about the funky sound we about to get it down whoa whoa 890 00:57:40,000 --> 00:57:43,028 whoa ♪ you dance well. 891 00:57:43,029 --> 00:57:52,999 Yeah, just a little -- ♪♪♪ 892 00:57:53,000 --> 00:58:01,999 ♪ funk jam in the future ♪ ♪ funk jam to survive ♪ 893 00:58:02,000 --> 00:58:14,999 ♪ whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa ♪ 894 00:58:15,000 --> 00:58:20,006 Give the rapper a chance. Yeah, um -- you might know me 895 00:58:20,007 --> 00:58:22,028 from my show "insecure. Yes, I really like that. 896 00:58:22,029 --> 00:58:24,014 Thanks. Cool. 897 00:58:24,015 --> 00:58:26,014 Could you guys let Justin know that I came by? 898 00:58:26,015 --> 00:58:28,021 Oh, aren't you performing with him? 899 00:58:28,022 --> 00:58:35,001 Yeah, but he doesn't know I can do this. 900 00:58:35,002 --> 00:58:37,013 ♪ You've got to jam when you can ♪ 901 00:58:37,014 --> 00:58:42,003 ♪ you've got to jam when you can ♪ 902 00:58:42,004 --> 00:58:46,017 We have no chance. But if we combine forces -- 903 00:58:46,018 --> 00:58:48,028 yeah, what was that thing you did earlier? 904 00:58:48,029 --> 00:58:52,002 ♪ Got to bring that funk ♪ yeah! 905 00:58:52,003 --> 00:58:55,017 I have your COVID results. You're positive. 906 00:58:55,018 --> 00:58:57,011 Oh, yeah. So you have to leave. 907 00:58:57,012 --> 00:59:00,026 Right. ♪ get down with it ♪ 908 00:59:00,027 --> 00:59:04,010 No, you have to leave now. Issa. 909 00:59:04,011 --> 00:59:10,005 ♪ What you want ♪ you got to go, man. 910 00:59:10,006 --> 00:59:13,021 Not going to do that. Okay, here's your stuff. 911 00:59:13,022 --> 00:59:15,010 Please leave, sir. Yeah. 912 00:59:15,011 --> 00:59:17,002 Well. What can I say? 913 00:59:17,003 --> 00:59:26,008 My life is random. Okay, don't talk to the 914 00:59:26,009 --> 00:59:43,016 once again, Justin bieber. ♪♪♪ 915 00:59:43,017 --> 00:59:45,001 ♪ everybody knows my name now 916 00:59:45,002 --> 00:59:52,019 but something 'bout it still feels strange ♪ 917 00:59:52,020 --> 00:59:55,016 ♪ looking in a mirror trying to steady yourself 918 00:59:55,017 --> 00:59:57,004 and seeing somebody else and everything is ♪ 919 00:59:57,005 --> 00:59:58,019 ♪ not the same now it feels like all our 920 00:59:58,020 --> 01:00:01,026 lives have changed maybe when I'm older ♪ 921 01:00:01,027 --> 01:00:07,027 ♪ it'll all calm down but it's killing me now 922 01:00:07,028 --> 01:00:14,015 what if you had it all with nobody to call ♪ 923 01:00:14,016 --> 01:00:21,008 ♪ maybe then you'd know me 'cause I've had everything 924 01:00:21,009 --> 01:00:25,023 but no one's listening and that's just ♪ 925 01:00:25,024 --> 01:00:37,001 ♪ oh so lonely I'm so lonely 926 01:00:37,002 --> 01:00:44,001 lonely everybody knows ♪ 927 01:00:44,002 --> 01:00:46,008 ♪ my past now like my house was 928 01:00:46,009 --> 01:00:48,016 always made of glass and maybe that's the ♪ 929 01:00:48,017 --> 01:00:52,001 ♪ price you pay for the money and fame 930 01:00:52,002 --> 01:00:56,016 at an early age and everybody saw me sick ♪ 931 01:00:56,017 --> 01:01:00,008 ♪ and it felt like no one gave a 932 01:01:00,009 --> 01:01:02,008 they criticized the things I did ♪ 933 01:01:02,009 --> 01:01:11,016 ♪ as an idiot kid what if you had it all 934 01:01:11,017 --> 01:01:19,000 but nobody to call maybe then you'd know me ♪ 935 01:01:19,001 --> 01:01:24,001 ♪ cause I've had everything but no one's listening 936 01:01:24,002 --> 01:01:30,023 and that's just oh so lonely ♪ 937 01:01:30,024 --> 01:01:43,023 ♪ I'm so lonely lonely 938 01:01:43,024 --> 01:01:56,006 I'm so lonely lonely ♪♪♪ 939 01:01:56,007 --> 01:02:03,009 [ Cheers and applause ] 940 01:02:09,017 --> 01:02:14,007 Due to COVID-19 stay-at-home restrictions, Jack flatts has 941 01:02:14,008 --> 01:02:16,015 been unable to serve our delicious retro burgers and 942 01:02:16,016 --> 01:02:21,999 shakes indoors. We know how much our loyal 943 01:02:22,000 --> 01:02:26,004 customers miss coming in and enjoying Jack flatts classic 944 01:02:26,005 --> 01:02:28,028 American fare and our servers' hilarious wise-cracking 945 01:02:28,029 --> 01:02:31,019 attitudes. But we're still here serving the 946 01:02:31,020 --> 01:02:33,000 community as best we can by offering free curbside pickup 947 01:02:33,001 --> 01:02:40,028 and delivery. Open up Jack flatts now! 948 01:02:40,029 --> 01:02:42,026 Enough of this new normal crap! I want to eat at a restaurant 949 01:02:42,027 --> 01:02:54,027 where the waiters make fun of you! 950 01:02:54,028 --> 01:02:57,024 I don't care what the state says! 951 01:02:57,025 --> 01:03:02,002 Open it! If you don't open up Jack 952 01:03:02,003 --> 01:03:11,027 flatts, I'm going to -- you're not the governor. 953 01:03:11,028 --> 01:03:13,009 I want the waiters to tease me while I'm eating, saying 954 01:03:13,010 --> 01:03:16,006 like, you sure you can eat all of that, big boy? 955 01:03:16,007 --> 01:03:18,015 I want to get teased without a mask so I can hear what 956 01:03:18,016 --> 01:03:22,017 they're saying! If I don't get teased without a 957 01:03:22,018 --> 01:03:26,023 mask -- I'll kidnap the governor! 958 01:03:26,024 --> 01:03:29,021 I'll kidnap the governor! Hey, this is my best friend, 959 01:03:29,022 --> 01:03:31,024 Ruben. We have the same birthday except 960 01:03:31,025 --> 01:03:35,020 he's 19 years older, and every year we go to Jack flatts to 961 01:03:35,021 --> 01:03:37,019 celebrate. Now we can't? 962 01:03:37,020 --> 01:03:40,015 Open up the playground. Okay -- but -- 963 01:03:40,016 --> 01:03:43,023 but mainly open up Jack flatts! 964 01:03:43,024 --> 01:03:47,009 Otherwise, me and Ruben -- we'll tie up the governor, 965 01:03:47,010 --> 01:03:50,007 tied her somewhere. I miss it. 966 01:03:50,008 --> 01:03:55,015 I miss the wacko fries. I miss the Joe schmoe burger. 967 01:03:55,016 --> 01:03:58,012 The flat melt. Smash pies. 968 01:03:58,013 --> 01:04:02,011 If you don't open Jack flatts, me, Trevor, Corey, 969 01:04:02,012 --> 01:04:12,021 Roman, we're going to do it! I don't like the masks. 970 01:04:12,022 --> 01:04:16,019 I always get it upside down. I can't see smiles! 971 01:04:16,020 --> 01:04:20,018 This is Trish, the funniest waitress at Jack flatts. 972 01:04:20,019 --> 01:04:24,011 I showed up for curbside with mustard on my shirt, and she 973 01:04:24,012 --> 01:04:28,004 didn't even make fun of me. Just let it fly. 974 01:04:28,005 --> 01:04:30,026 Okay, I don't know what's going on, but this dude told me 975 01:04:30,027 --> 01:04:35,012 if I quit my shift he would give me $1,000 and put me in a movie. 976 01:04:35,013 --> 01:04:35,019 I get it. 977 01:04:53,022 --> 01:04:54,025 I get it. Not everybody likes to be 978 01:04:54,026 --> 01:04:56,028 teased. Don't come here, then! 979 01:04:56,029 --> 01:05:02,014 It's just for fun! They're not making fun of the 980 01:05:02,015 --> 01:05:04,014 real you, just you as a customer! 981 01:05:04,015 --> 01:05:09,010 Is this like a porno? Honestly, I don't care, I just 982 01:05:09,011 --> 01:05:11,013 want to get that $1,000. You have to open up Jack 983 01:05:11,014 --> 01:05:16,000 flatts! No masks! 984 01:05:16,001 --> 01:05:24,001 Joe schmoe burger and wacko fries, free endless fries and 985 01:05:24,002 --> 01:05:24,025 refills. Otherwise -- 986 01:05:24,026 --> 01:05:25,014 otherwise -- governor? 987 01:05:25,015 --> 01:05:27,017 Yep. Drive a truck into the 988 01:05:27,018 --> 01:05:28,027 governor's mansion. Blow past the guards. 989 01:05:28,028 --> 01:05:47,024 Smash up. One of the guys in the 990 01:05:47,025 --> 01:05:51,004 one of the guys in the jacked-up Van is in like our 991 01:05:51,005 --> 01:05:54,005 group, and he wants to go back and play their hits! 992 01:05:54,006 --> 01:05:59,013 George Washington wanted the British to tease him! 993 01:05:59,014 --> 01:06:03,004 He fought them to have that and as soon as the British 994 01:06:03,005 --> 01:06:06,999 government said no more teasing, not allowed to tease that man, 995 01:06:07,000 --> 01:06:14,011 what did George Washington do? Kidnapped them. 996 01:06:14,012 --> 01:06:17,028 King, prince, everybody. Made it back to the old 997 01:06:17,029 --> 01:06:19,005 normal again! 998 01:06:25,014 --> 01:06:32,010 At Jack flatts, we hope to see you soon. 999 01:06:32,011 --> 01:06:34,003 We spend so much on things we need. 1000 01:06:34,004 --> 01:06:38,023 What about the things we want? I want to better myself. 1001 01:06:38,024 --> 01:06:41,016 I want to treat myself. I want to enjoy myself. 1002 01:06:41,017 --> 01:06:44,005 The things we buy to invest in our lives. 1003 01:06:44,006 --> 01:06:47,014 Oil paints. An instrument to learn. 1004 01:06:47,015 --> 01:06:48,021 An elliptical. The things that aren't about 1005 01:06:48,022 --> 01:06:49,024 our to-do list but about our bucket list. 1006 01:06:49,025 --> 01:06:50,999 Rosetta stone Italian. Ice cream maker. 1007 01:06:51,000 --> 01:06:56,021 Roller skates. You've been home eight months 1008 01:06:56,022 --> 01:06:58,002 and you didn't touch them once. Now you have to sell them. 1009 01:06:58,003 --> 01:07:00,012 With ebay. I spent $80 on embroidery 1010 01:07:00,013 --> 01:07:04,014 equipment back in march. But then I just stared at my 1011 01:07:04,015 --> 01:07:07,021 phone, and I looked up, and now it's October. 1012 01:07:07,022 --> 01:07:11,006 I've always wanted to cook more, so I bought a $400 chef's 1013 01:07:11,007 --> 01:07:13,021 knife I only use to open Amazon packages. 1014 01:07:13,022 --> 01:07:16,028 Guitars hurt. No one tells you that. 1015 01:07:16,029 --> 01:07:19,999 I don't like feeling hurt. You always wished for more 1016 01:07:20,000 --> 01:07:21,999 free time so you could get around to them. 1017 01:07:22,000 --> 01:07:24,022 And then you were quarantined. And instead of reading "the 1018 01:07:24,023 --> 01:07:30,006 odyssey," you watched every episode of "selling sunset. 1019 01:07:30,007 --> 01:07:33,006 So this is a house. So now you know. 1020 01:07:33,007 --> 01:07:35,006 I thought I wanted to learn how to box to connect with my 1021 01:07:35,007 --> 01:07:40,002 deceased father. Turns out I want to lay on the 1022 01:07:40,003 --> 01:07:45,006 couch and watch women lose their damn minds. 1023 01:07:45,007 --> 01:07:46,013 Go ahead and sell that stuff. Not to worry. 1024 01:07:46,014 --> 01:07:48,021 If you find yourself buying something new on our site, 1025 01:07:48,022 --> 01:07:52,007 ebay's making it easier than ever to fail hard with our new 1026 01:07:52,008 --> 01:07:54,011 service, prebay. Where we intercept your latest 1027 01:07:54,012 --> 01:07:55,024 overly optimistic purchase and take it right back before you 1028 01:07:55,025 --> 01:08:01,018 even open it. Look, you had your chance. 1029 01:08:01,019 --> 01:08:06,002 And all the time in the world. Don't be shy. 1030 01:08:06,003 --> 01:08:09,018 If you admit that it's unused, you'll make more money. 1031 01:08:09,019 --> 01:08:12,010 Ebay. This commercial doesn't apply to 1032 01:08:12,011 --> 01:08:16,018 you if you worked or had kids. Oh, my pasta maker's here! 1033 01:08:16,019 --> 01:08:21,002 [ Cheers and applause ] 1034 01:08:31,018 --> 01:08:33,025 Thank you to Justin bieber, Jim carrey, Alec Baldwin, Maya 1035 01:08:33,026 --> 01:08:37,010 Rudolph, chance the rapper, Benny blanco. 1036 01:08:37,011 --> 01:08:43,019 Thank you guys so much. This has been incredible. 1037 01:08:43,020 --> 01:08:47,007 Y'all get out there and vote, please, god, vote! 1038 01:08:47,008 --> 01:08:57,010 Thank you for having me, such a blessing to be here, amazing! 1039 01:08:57,011 --> 01:09:04,026 [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪♪