1 00:00:22,280 --> 00:00:25,080 He who... 2 00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:38,540 Harry's hoop is hanging in the hole. 3 00:00:40,140 --> 00:00:44,940 Don't force it now. You're breathing it too shallow. You must fill your lungs 4 00:00:44,940 --> 00:00:49,200 properly. You should be able to extinguish the candle without straining. 5 00:00:49,220 --> 00:00:51,660 dear, it went on again now. Then try again. 6 00:00:54,540 --> 00:00:57,260 Harry's hoop is hanging in the hole. 7 00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:00,500 Harry's hoop... 8 00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:34,080 Not... I sniff, shop, snuff. 9 00:01:34,300 --> 00:01:36,340 Do you sniff, shop, snuff? 10 00:01:36,780 --> 00:01:38,780 I snuff, snuff, shop. 11 00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:42,280 Do you snuff, shop, snuff? 12 00:01:42,540 --> 00:01:44,520 More slowly. 13 00:01:45,180 --> 00:01:46,860 Think before you speak. 14 00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:48,200 More slowly. 15 00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:50,540 Think before you speak. 16 00:01:52,590 --> 00:01:54,030 Repeat it. I'm telling you. 17 00:01:54,250 --> 00:01:58,350 You were supposed to practice these. I have been practicing. I've been 18 00:01:58,350 --> 00:01:59,490 and fizzling all weekend. 19 00:02:00,210 --> 00:02:02,110 Fizzling? Fizzling. 20 00:02:02,590 --> 00:02:04,370 Well, I got some of them right. 21 00:02:05,630 --> 00:02:08,810 I smell seashells on the seashores. 22 00:02:09,949 --> 00:02:12,150 I saw seashells. 23 00:02:13,030 --> 00:02:15,290 I saw the sunshine shine. 24 00:02:16,930 --> 00:02:18,870 Seashell shoes in a sheet. 25 00:02:25,620 --> 00:02:28,540 I've got a bit of coke in the cold school shuttle. 26 00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:31,540 Mr. Spencer, that is enough. 27 00:02:32,480 --> 00:02:36,540 I'm still not at all clear why you want to take elocution lessons just because 28 00:02:36,540 --> 00:02:38,520 your grandfather wants you to go to Australia. 29 00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:44,160 Well, he also wants me to take the flying lessons, so I should be mixing 30 00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:47,200 lot of upper -crust people and hobnobs. 31 00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:53,400 Therefore, if I meet any XRF moustaches, I want to be verbally excruciating. 32 00:02:55,180 --> 00:02:58,200 Well, I think we'd better have another look at your diphthongs. 33 00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:02,520 Pardon? 34 00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:04,820 A diphthong is a double vowel. 35 00:03:05,500 --> 00:03:06,880 Ah. Eh? 36 00:03:07,940 --> 00:03:09,220 I said, ah. 37 00:03:11,100 --> 00:03:12,960 Eh, as in hey. 38 00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:15,660 Eh, as in hey. 39 00:03:20,950 --> 00:03:22,910 Oi, as in toy. 40 00:03:23,230 --> 00:03:27,170 Oh, Mr Spencer, really, you must try to be more relaxed. 41 00:03:27,570 --> 00:03:30,110 It's so important for good speaking. 42 00:03:31,070 --> 00:03:34,750 And that's another thing. I notice you have a tendency to hum. 43 00:03:35,170 --> 00:03:37,690 Well, I did a bit of gardening this morning. 44 00:03:39,650 --> 00:03:42,470 Not that sort of hum. I mean, hum. 45 00:03:44,770 --> 00:03:46,770 Don't keep making that noise. 46 00:03:48,270 --> 00:03:52,970 Try not to punctuate all your speech with meaningless words and sounds. 47 00:03:53,390 --> 00:04:00,130 Try to say a simple sentence without using hmm, I mean, oh, I see, 48 00:04:00,330 --> 00:04:02,770 well, or using a nervous laugh. 49 00:04:03,110 --> 00:04:04,910 Hmm. I mean. 50 00:04:16,970 --> 00:04:17,970 We can go this morning. 51 00:04:18,730 --> 00:04:20,670 Well, same time next week, then. 52 00:04:20,890 --> 00:04:24,550 Mr Spencer, I really do think it would be better if you found yourself another 53 00:04:24,550 --> 00:04:28,350 teacher. After all, I do have my health to consider. 54 00:04:45,580 --> 00:04:47,360 was going to be before I got in here, did I? 55 00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:51,120 If I'd said what I was and you were somewhere else, then I wouldn't have 56 00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:54,100 there in the first place. And I wouldn't have come in here and you wouldn't have 57 00:04:54,100 --> 00:04:54,999 been there today. 58 00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:56,440 All right, all right, that's enough. 59 00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:57,880 Have you seen Grandpa? 60 00:04:58,140 --> 00:05:01,580 Yes. He's upstairs teaching the dog how to walk. 61 00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:04,300 All right, there's no need to be silly. 62 00:05:04,580 --> 00:05:05,900 Making our Columbo simple. 63 00:05:07,020 --> 00:05:08,640 He knows as much as I do. 64 00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:12,200 Oh, bless him. 65 00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:14,380 It's the little things he does. 66 00:05:15,380 --> 00:05:17,800 Yes, I've seen the little things he does. 67 00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:20,600 Frank, you spoil that dog. 68 00:05:21,040 --> 00:05:23,960 And what have you been shampooing him in recently? 69 00:05:24,540 --> 00:05:26,260 Have you given a hen a rinse? 70 00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:29,340 No, but I did wash Auntie Dingle's duck last week. 71 00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:32,120 No, 72 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:36,260 you underestimate that dog. I may well enter him for chuffs. 73 00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:39,720 You're not going to show him? 74 00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:41,200 Show him what? 75 00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:46,320 And why not, may I ask? 76 00:05:46,640 --> 00:05:48,720 Your information is distinct visibility. 77 00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:53,880 I've taught him all the rudiments of canine comportment. He's got a lovely 78 00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:56,520 deportation. I've really trained that dog. 79 00:05:56,760 --> 00:05:59,980 Yes, well, I just wish you could train your grandfather as well. 80 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:05,440 I'm getting sick and tired of him calling me Lettie and interfering with 81 00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:08,940 housework and using our facilities for... 82 00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:13,340 When is he ever used in proper facilities or purposes? 83 00:06:13,740 --> 00:06:18,680 Yesterday. He was washing his long johns in the bathroom. 84 00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:20,740 Well, couldn't you just ignore them? 85 00:06:21,020 --> 00:06:22,020 Hardly. 86 00:06:40,140 --> 00:06:41,840 Why don't you go and air your legs today? 87 00:06:42,280 --> 00:06:45,440 Go up to London, see some of our national heretics. 88 00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:52,260 There's Buckingham Palace and Westminster Abbey. Westminster Abbey? 89 00:06:52,260 --> 00:06:55,380 full of dead poms. And I don't like cities. 90 00:06:55,660 --> 00:07:01,140 I feel all sort of caged in. Where I come from, people are very close to 91 00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:02,600 What do you mean, they smell? 92 00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:08,400 I mean there's plenty of space to move around, and that includes the 20 ,000 93 00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:11,620 acres belonging to me. Yes, well, I have quite a bit of land myself. 94 00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:12,779 Oh, you do? 95 00:07:12,780 --> 00:07:18,360 I know it's not quite as big as, say, Lord Monterhoo's Bulu, but we can call 96 00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:19,360 our own. 97 00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:23,720 Yes, we were very lucky to get this place. Lucky? It's practically fallen 98 00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:25,280 You should have stayed in your own place. 99 00:07:25,660 --> 00:07:26,660 I hardly think so. 100 00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:28,080 That did fall down. 101 00:07:28,820 --> 00:07:32,620 I suppose, you know, you've got dry rot. I can smell it in the hallway. 102 00:07:33,100 --> 00:07:37,380 That's probably the cat. And who can be surprised after all the operations she's 103 00:07:37,380 --> 00:07:38,580 gone through in the last week? 104 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:41,100 Four hours she was under the anacentric. 105 00:07:42,140 --> 00:07:46,820 Having her perforations perforated, her personals interfered with, and then they 106 00:07:46,820 --> 00:07:48,100 put them back the one way round. 107 00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:52,640 Stay she's in now, she doesn't know whether she's having a wink or a 108 00:07:57,680 --> 00:07:58,680 Jessica? 109 00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:01,480 Have you been putting Daddy's aftershave on the cat again? 110 00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:07,540 Hmm? Have you taken Daddy's Jungle Boy aroma? 111 00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:10,480 Ah, well, that's a good girl. 112 00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:12,760 What a good girl. 113 00:08:13,260 --> 00:08:16,580 Because I told you not to play with Daddy's bathroom bottles, haven't I? 114 00:08:17,300 --> 00:08:19,900 The dog's still recovering from his shampoo and set. 115 00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:22,560 Oh, look. 116 00:08:23,060 --> 00:08:24,580 There's the man next door. 117 00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:27,660 What do we call the man next door? 118 00:08:29,599 --> 00:08:31,040 No, not grumpy. 119 00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:35,840 It's Mr Lewis. Let's wave to Mr Lewis, shall we? Come on. 120 00:08:36,299 --> 00:08:38,200 Wave. Hello, Mr Lewis. 121 00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:41,240 Don't look. 122 00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:44,700 Gesturing at me like that with your vertical hammer. 123 00:08:46,460 --> 00:08:48,500 Giving me dirty looks, eh? 124 00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:54,220 Well, two can play at that game, can't they? I can look just as dirty as he 125 00:08:54,740 --> 00:08:55,740 Shall I? 126 00:09:01,610 --> 00:09:04,070 as I thought, afraid to show his voice. 127 00:09:04,810 --> 00:09:08,310 And I'm not surprised that Spencer in anger is not a pretty sight. 128 00:09:08,950 --> 00:09:09,950 Mr. Lewis? 129 00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:35,120 and this side is mine. 130 00:09:35,500 --> 00:09:38,060 I put this fence up to keep out unwelcome pets. 131 00:09:38,340 --> 00:09:39,340 Including your dog. 132 00:09:39,640 --> 00:09:41,020 Who has some very dirty habits. 133 00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:42,800 So for a start, you can have this lot back. 134 00:09:43,420 --> 00:09:45,200 Oh, you dirty dollop. 135 00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:49,480 I've had enough of you out here banging, hammering and knocking. 136 00:09:49,780 --> 00:09:52,260 Well, my knocking days are over, I might tell you. 137 00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:56,060 I shall soon be leaving this soil for the other side of the world. 138 00:09:56,300 --> 00:09:57,480 We're going to Australia. 139 00:09:58,100 --> 00:10:00,360 You mean I'll never see you again? 140 00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:03,220 Well... We'll be around to say goodbye. 141 00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:06,660 And we'll be having a party for all our friends. 142 00:10:07,100 --> 00:10:08,079 All your friends? 143 00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:09,640 Where you hold it, in a telephone box? 144 00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:11,840 Here, look. 145 00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:13,560 Before you go, I'll have my own. 146 00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:16,520 And in fair trade, I'll take my spade. Right. 147 00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:22,640 All right, all right. There's no need to chuck it. Ah, shut your face. Give me 148 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:23,640 my bucket. 149 00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:33,560 people from Australia Health. 150 00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:40,340 Dear Mr. Spencer, we are pleased to inform you that a personal nomination 151 00:11:40,340 --> 00:11:43,740 been received on your behalf for settlement in Australia. 152 00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:50,880 Signed, B. Lawrence, the Chief Migration Officer. The Chief Migration Officer. 153 00:11:51,460 --> 00:11:53,200 You can hold it too. 154 00:12:01,900 --> 00:12:04,980 And we're going to start a whole new life together, upside down. 155 00:12:06,300 --> 00:12:07,860 I'm frightened, Frank. 156 00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:10,040 Moving to a new country. 157 00:12:10,460 --> 00:12:12,180 What about your job? 158 00:12:12,500 --> 00:12:15,460 Job? Postcarding myself in a pie shop window? 159 00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:18,700 Advertising my necks like a common strumpet? 160 00:12:19,040 --> 00:12:23,880 But going away won't change anything. And think of what you'll be leaving 161 00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:26,080 behind. Part of your life's here. 162 00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:28,240 That's the part I want to leave behind. 163 00:12:29,220 --> 00:12:30,220 Betty. 164 00:12:30,640 --> 00:12:32,900 Look, I didn't want to join the brain drain. 165 00:12:34,680 --> 00:12:38,760 The way things are, the sooner my brains are removed, the better. 166 00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:46,580 Well, Australia's so far away, and we'll be meeting strange people. 167 00:12:47,060 --> 00:12:48,060 They're not strange. 168 00:12:48,140 --> 00:12:49,140 They're like me. 169 00:12:50,820 --> 00:12:53,860 I mean, look at Rolf Harris. He isn't strange, is he? 170 00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:59,000 I know he walks a bit funny with that third leg, but he doesn't wear that all 171 00:12:59,000 --> 00:12:59,879 the time. 172 00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:01,980 But you've always been so patriotic. 173 00:13:02,340 --> 00:13:05,080 Betty, no -one's patriotic more than me. 174 00:13:05,380 --> 00:13:09,380 I've worn the Queen's braces, I've marched on her socks, I've had her RAF 175 00:13:09,380 --> 00:13:10,400 trousers up to there. 176 00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:14,740 And where's it got me? I've given it my all, and it's got me nowhere. 177 00:13:15,260 --> 00:13:18,860 Oh, things were different when my mother was a boy. 178 00:13:19,460 --> 00:13:24,760 I mean, there was an empire then, and there was pumping and circumstancing, 179 00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:28,520 we had processions like the Queen's carnation. 180 00:13:29,700 --> 00:13:33,560 Everyone lining up and we'd stand there waving our little things. 181 00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:40,740 And my mother used to write, we cheered the lords and ladies and all the streets 182 00:13:40,740 --> 00:13:41,679 were lined. 183 00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:45,960 We waited in three, but all we could see was the Queen of Tonga's behind. 184 00:13:50,260 --> 00:13:52,080 Oh, look at that, Betty. 185 00:13:52,620 --> 00:13:53,880 Australia House. 186 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,340 We're practically on Australian soil. 187 00:13:57,700 --> 00:13:58,700 Oh, Frank. 188 00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:03,440 Excuse me. 189 00:14:04,300 --> 00:14:05,400 Good on you, sport. 190 00:14:05,860 --> 00:14:07,320 Did I just say a winkum? 191 00:14:07,940 --> 00:14:09,220 I beg your pardon. 192 00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:10,920 Oh, I'm sorry. 193 00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:13,020 I thought you was one of them. 194 00:14:13,700 --> 00:14:15,520 I beg your pardon. 195 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:18,000 Hoppity hop. 196 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:38,939 I'm Mr. Lawrence. 197 00:14:38,940 --> 00:14:40,200 The cheap migration. 198 00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:42,840 How do you do, Mr. Lawrence? 199 00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:47,440 This is my wife, Mrs. Spencer. Good morning. Mrs. Spencer. 200 00:14:47,780 --> 00:14:49,900 I was just admiring your boomerang. 201 00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:57,020 That's a broken chair arm. 202 00:14:58,760 --> 00:15:01,080 Please sit down. 203 00:15:02,740 --> 00:15:05,480 Now, regarding your emigrant... 204 00:15:09,610 --> 00:15:11,550 Would you like to sit over here, Mr. Spencer? Just here. 205 00:15:12,750 --> 00:15:18,750 Now, regarding your immigration application... Yes, well, I don't know 206 00:15:18,750 --> 00:15:20,410 will be convenient for us to leave. 207 00:15:20,670 --> 00:15:22,630 We certainly can't go this week. 208 00:15:22,830 --> 00:15:23,830 Oh, no, 209 00:15:24,750 --> 00:15:27,570 Mr. Spencer, that's quite out of the question. In fact, it might be out of 210 00:15:27,570 --> 00:15:31,370 question for several weeks, because I'm hoping to take flying lessons. 211 00:15:32,070 --> 00:15:35,630 What? Yes, also, we haven't found a buyer for the cat yet. Cat? 212 00:15:36,770 --> 00:15:37,469 Now, Mr. 213 00:15:37,470 --> 00:15:40,730 Spencer... Apart from your grandfather, what else made you decide that you'd 214 00:15:40,730 --> 00:15:42,150 like to settle in Australia? 215 00:15:43,230 --> 00:15:45,950 Well, it's near the sea. 216 00:15:48,470 --> 00:15:53,890 Well, it's got the sea all round it, which is very nice for the swimming. 217 00:15:55,330 --> 00:15:59,530 And also, I'm very fond of the... No, no. 218 00:16:01,430 --> 00:16:02,430 No ball. 219 00:16:03,210 --> 00:16:06,790 You used to do quite a lot of that, didn't you, Frank? Yes, I did. 220 00:16:07,350 --> 00:16:10,950 But unfortunately, I had to desist because of my trouble. 221 00:16:12,150 --> 00:16:13,550 All the friction, you see. 222 00:16:14,390 --> 00:16:16,850 Friction? Oh, you mean at club meetings? 223 00:16:17,250 --> 00:16:18,690 No, no, when I run. 224 00:16:19,630 --> 00:16:24,010 I tried wearing shorter pads, but I still got it up here right there when I 225 00:16:24,010 --> 00:16:25,010 between the wickets. 226 00:16:25,650 --> 00:16:26,650 Don't touch it, Betty. 227 00:16:28,090 --> 00:16:31,410 Yes, well, we're not too bothered about your spare time activities, Mr Spencer. 228 00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:34,900 After studying the application form, I'm all concerned about what you'll be 229 00:16:34,900 --> 00:16:35,900 doing for the rest of the week. 230 00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:39,380 Now, I gather your grandfather has quite a big spread. 231 00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:42,800 Well, all dispensers are rather well built. 232 00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:47,740 Apart from myself, when I've got more the lean and hungry look. 233 00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:52,620 My mother always thought that I looked like Mahatma Gandhi when I was a boy. 234 00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:59,000 How well do you know him? 235 00:16:59,490 --> 00:17:01,710 Well, I didn't know him at all, but I saw all his films. 236 00:17:06,790 --> 00:17:09,470 Your grandfather. How well do you know your grandfather? 237 00:17:10,770 --> 00:17:12,210 Have you had a long relationship? 238 00:17:17,430 --> 00:17:18,990 Well, I've always been his grandson. 239 00:17:20,790 --> 00:17:22,530 I mean, do you see him often? 240 00:17:23,609 --> 00:17:25,490 No, I mean, we thought he passed on. 241 00:17:26,190 --> 00:17:29,190 Because that's why we didn't send him a Christmas card last year. 242 00:17:29,490 --> 00:17:31,910 No, and he hadn't written for ages. 243 00:17:32,330 --> 00:17:34,470 No, but he was never much of a letter writer. 244 00:17:34,790 --> 00:17:37,010 And if he had died, he'd never have told us. 245 00:17:40,070 --> 00:17:43,490 Mind you, the Spencers are not unknown in Woolloomooloo. 246 00:17:44,130 --> 00:17:46,930 No, my great -grandfather Basil lived there first. 247 00:17:47,130 --> 00:17:49,010 Yes, well, I don't think we need to go into that, Mr Spencer. 248 00:17:49,290 --> 00:17:50,890 Famous for his animal impressions. 249 00:17:51,490 --> 00:17:53,970 Yes, I see, but he decided to leave England. 250 00:17:54,410 --> 00:17:58,950 Well, he wasn't out of choice, but the deportation orders being somewhat harsh 251 00:17:58,950 --> 00:18:03,950 in those days, one night he accidentally did the mating cry of the black -headed 252 00:18:03,950 --> 00:18:07,170 sheep, and 12 of the little fellas followed him home. 253 00:18:07,710 --> 00:18:11,550 No, no, no, no, no, Mr Spence. Oh, you do it too. That's very good. 254 00:18:14,030 --> 00:18:18,650 Mr Spence, if we could just talk about your application form. 255 00:18:18,910 --> 00:18:23,030 Yes, then there was his brother Nigel, famous for his bird calls. 256 00:18:24,439 --> 00:18:28,260 But he was sadly accidentally shot dead by a duck hunter in Norfolk. 257 00:18:29,460 --> 00:18:32,540 Would you like to tell me about it another time, Mr Spencer? I really have 258 00:18:32,540 --> 00:18:35,720 to do. I must get on. Oh, certainly. Well, thank you very much for the time 259 00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:38,760 you've spent with us already. I haven't finished yet. Please, sit down. Please, 260 00:18:38,840 --> 00:18:39,840 please, please. 261 00:18:40,500 --> 00:18:43,520 Mr Spencer, you're quite happy about going to Australia? 262 00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:49,440 Well, Frank thinks it's the best thing for us, but I am a little worried about 263 00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:50,620 leaving my mother. 264 00:18:51,350 --> 00:18:52,350 Get in on a bit, is she? 265 00:18:52,570 --> 00:18:55,250 Well, you know, about your age. 266 00:18:57,610 --> 00:19:00,470 But I am willing to go if Frank does. 267 00:19:00,770 --> 00:19:03,210 And his grandfather says it's all settled. 268 00:19:03,550 --> 00:19:06,270 Ah, well, it's far from that, Mr Spencer, far from that. There are things 269 00:19:06,270 --> 00:19:09,510 this form, questions which I want an answer to. 270 00:19:10,010 --> 00:19:13,330 Please don't follow me about the room, Mr Spencer. I don't like being followed. 271 00:19:16,750 --> 00:19:18,110 I had a cousin like that. 272 00:19:18,950 --> 00:19:20,950 Never mind your cousin. Please, sit down. 273 00:19:21,590 --> 00:19:22,590 Where I can see you. 274 00:19:25,110 --> 00:19:26,670 Where are your qualifications, eh? 275 00:19:27,150 --> 00:19:30,690 You were asked to bring documents, diplomas, certificates, testimonials. 276 00:19:31,010 --> 00:19:32,710 Oh, well, I didn't know you meant all of them. 277 00:19:33,470 --> 00:19:35,330 How many have you brought? Just the one. 278 00:19:35,730 --> 00:19:36,730 How many have you got? 279 00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:38,310 Just the one. 280 00:19:41,290 --> 00:19:42,290 Mr Spencer. 281 00:19:42,830 --> 00:19:46,310 I don't think there's a great deal of demand for 25 -yard breaststrokes on the 282 00:19:46,310 --> 00:19:47,310 street. 283 00:19:49,350 --> 00:19:53,350 Well, I have swum much further, but I was wind -assisted. 284 00:19:55,150 --> 00:19:56,810 And I had the armbands on. 285 00:19:57,550 --> 00:19:58,610 I'm sure you have. 286 00:19:59,430 --> 00:20:03,710 I know you didn't actually say that you wanted lifeguards. That's because we 287 00:20:03,710 --> 00:20:08,330 don't. Well, I can hold my nose and stand in the water for two minutes. 288 00:20:08,730 --> 00:20:10,990 No. I'm willing to fight a shark. No! 289 00:20:11,660 --> 00:20:12,660 An electric eel? 290 00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:13,880 No. 291 00:20:13,940 --> 00:20:18,320 I don't mind getting my hair wet. No, no, no, no, no. We don't want 292 00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:19,680 Lifeguards we do not want. 293 00:20:21,620 --> 00:20:23,460 Couldn't you just squeeze one in? No! 294 00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:25,480 Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Bentham. 295 00:20:25,940 --> 00:20:28,940 It's obvious to me that you don't entirely share your husband's feelings 296 00:20:28,940 --> 00:20:31,880 matter. Perhaps it would be better if I could see each of you alone, OK? 297 00:20:33,020 --> 00:20:34,020 Um, 298 00:20:34,820 --> 00:20:36,920 do you want to do Frank first? 299 00:20:37,300 --> 00:20:38,960 Yes, I'd like to do your husband first. 300 00:20:39,900 --> 00:20:41,040 Good evening, Mrs Spencer. 301 00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:44,000 Judy, some tea for Mrs Spencer, please. 302 00:20:48,180 --> 00:20:49,180 One certificate. 303 00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:52,960 One. A lift to jobs as long as a kangaroo's leap and not a single 304 00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:56,060 You're following me again? You know I don't like being followed. 305 00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:59,960 No, I'm not following you. I was going in completely the other direction. 306 00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:03,040 But I will stand in the same way as you. 307 00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:09,160 I was just looking at your aberration there. 308 00:21:11,140 --> 00:21:12,360 And the water hole. 309 00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:16,860 He's a rude aberration, isn't he? 310 00:21:18,860 --> 00:21:22,040 I'd like to draw your attention to question 12. You're following me now. 311 00:21:23,380 --> 00:21:24,380 He was. 312 00:21:24,980 --> 00:21:28,800 According to this, you spent three months in a monastery and graduated as a 313 00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:29,800 fitter. 314 00:21:33,040 --> 00:21:36,620 I did the guest fitting before I went in. I was just living in the monastery. 315 00:21:37,220 --> 00:21:38,260 That was your home? 316 00:21:38,540 --> 00:21:39,780 I didn't have a home. 317 00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:42,400 That was why I was doing the part -time monkeying. 318 00:21:46,700 --> 00:21:47,760 Question 13. 319 00:21:48,540 --> 00:21:49,540 Unlucky for some. 320 00:21:50,900 --> 00:21:52,900 I used to be a bingo caller too. 321 00:21:54,100 --> 00:21:56,820 Details of education. We don't seem to have too much here, do we? 322 00:21:57,040 --> 00:22:00,540 No, well, I didn't have a lot of education because I had to look after my 323 00:22:00,540 --> 00:22:01,800 mother. Never mind your mother. 324 00:22:03,630 --> 00:22:06,910 Well, she was good to me. Times were hard in Crippen Lane. 325 00:22:07,870 --> 00:22:12,530 But I always had my comic money, and always had clean vest and pants. Mr 326 00:22:12,530 --> 00:22:13,530 Spencer, please! 327 00:22:13,650 --> 00:22:15,730 But my Auntie Dingle wasn't very nice. 328 00:22:16,350 --> 00:22:20,370 She used to bring homemade jelly round, and didn't even wobble. 329 00:22:20,610 --> 00:22:21,610 Will you be quiet? 330 00:22:23,730 --> 00:22:27,050 Why is it every time I ask you a simple question, you're not only avoiding me a 331 00:22:27,050 --> 00:22:28,810 simple answer, you go on and on and on? 332 00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:31,980 I was trying to be brief. Brief? You don't know what the word means. Please, 333 00:22:31,980 --> 00:22:33,740 down. Sit down. Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit. 334 00:22:34,180 --> 00:22:35,180 Sit! 335 00:22:37,940 --> 00:22:42,760 Mr. Spencer, I'm going to ask you again a simple question. Do you think you 336 00:22:42,760 --> 00:22:46,840 could try just this once to give me a small, simple, brief, truthful answer? 337 00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:49,020 Yeah. Right, now. 338 00:22:49,500 --> 00:22:54,180 As my mother always said, tell the truth and the devil will fail. 339 00:22:54,540 --> 00:22:56,660 Tell a lie and it'll be on your tail. 340 00:23:03,180 --> 00:23:04,180 It's not that funny. 341 00:23:07,420 --> 00:23:12,660 Mr. Spencer, what job are you actually doing at the moment? 342 00:23:12,900 --> 00:23:15,800 Well, I got a bit confused because you were shouting at me. 343 00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:17,320 Oh, God. 344 00:23:17,500 --> 00:23:18,500 I'll ask you again. 345 00:23:18,700 --> 00:23:22,600 And this time, I'm not shouting. No, but you was a minute ago when I mentioned 346 00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:23,600 my jelly wobbling. 347 00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:30,360 What job are you actually doing at this moment in time today, Tuesday the 27th? 348 00:23:36,979 --> 00:23:40,040 Well, I'm not doing anything today because I had to come here. 349 00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:46,960 Mr Spencer, let me put it another way. What job are you actually doing 350 00:23:47,940 --> 00:23:48,940 Tomorrow? 351 00:23:50,500 --> 00:23:52,860 Tomorrow they said they could manage without me. 352 00:23:53,100 --> 00:23:56,380 Mr Spencer, how long do you think they're going to be able to manage 353 00:23:56,380 --> 00:24:00,200 you? Well, I don't have to work Thursday, and then I don't work Friday, 354 00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:01,440 Saturday's the day off. 355 00:24:01,780 --> 00:24:03,660 And Sunday's my day of rest. 356 00:24:03,940 --> 00:24:04,940 Rest from what? 357 00:24:05,020 --> 00:24:06,360 You're not doing anything this week. 358 00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:07,680 Not this week, no. 359 00:24:07,940 --> 00:24:11,460 Then what about next week? Next week? Next week? 360 00:24:12,920 --> 00:24:13,920 Nothing. 361 00:24:14,460 --> 00:24:16,980 Nothing? You're unemployed, aren't you? 362 00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:18,600 Yes. 363 00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:21,940 I was just getting round to it. 364 00:24:24,300 --> 00:24:27,860 I'm not coming into work tomorrow. Today, I'm not coming in on Friday. 365 00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:29,160 And then there's Sunday. 366 00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:31,420 And then, and then, and then, and then we have Sunday. 367 00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:37,560 You're going to give yourself a day. 368 00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:45,120 Mr. Lawrence, are you all right? 369 00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:50,280 Well, shouldn't I get the lady? 370 00:24:51,420 --> 00:24:53,100 Would you like a glass of water? 371 00:24:54,120 --> 00:24:58,360 Have you... Oh, why not have a little beverage? 372 00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:01,940 Have you got a glass? 373 00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:03,520 Here, cheer yourself up. 374 00:26:17,290 --> 00:26:20,710 I've always said, I will not linger at your door. 375 00:26:20,930 --> 00:26:22,430 Away I have to race. 376 00:26:22,890 --> 00:26:27,230 But I can tell you wish me well, but a look that's on your face... 377 00:26:27,230 --> 00:26:32,470 I 378 00:26:32,470 --> 00:26:39,470 said they can manage 379 00:26:39,470 --> 00:26:41,550 without me today, they can manage without me tomorrow. 380 00:26:41,910 --> 00:26:43,790 I won't come in on Friday, then there'll be Saturday. 381 00:26:44,070 --> 00:26:46,650 Sunday I'll have a day of rest. I feel better when I've had... 382 00:27:09,770 --> 00:27:14,550 to tell Jessica tomorrow morning who's going to be on Australian soil on 383 00:27:14,550 --> 00:27:15,550 Christmas Day. 384 00:27:16,190 --> 00:27:18,530 We won't be there that soon. 385 00:27:18,830 --> 00:27:24,230 I mean, did Mr Lawrence definitely say that we could go? Yes, he was grinning 386 00:27:24,230 --> 00:27:25,230 all over his teeth. 387 00:27:25,490 --> 00:27:27,870 He was jumping out and down with excitement. 388 00:27:28,090 --> 00:27:30,270 Oh, Betty, we've got to get organised. 389 00:27:33,490 --> 00:27:37,850 Well, haven't we better wait until we hear something from him? No, no, no, 390 00:27:37,850 --> 00:27:39,090 got to sort out the past. 391 00:27:40,270 --> 00:27:42,430 and we've got to get ejaculated against disease. 392 00:27:46,410 --> 00:27:48,550 Don't want to go and get bitten by a wallaby, do we? 393 00:27:49,690 --> 00:27:53,950 Oh, but there'll be plenty of time for this later. You haven't even started 394 00:27:53,950 --> 00:27:54,990 flying lesson. 395 00:27:55,250 --> 00:27:58,950 No, but I'd better get a move on, because Mr Lawrence could call any day 396 00:27:58,950 --> 00:27:59,950 confirm. 397 00:28:00,470 --> 00:28:02,490 That could be him. That could be him. 398 00:28:02,750 --> 00:28:03,750 Hold that. 399 00:28:11,280 --> 00:28:13,580 Mr. Spencer does live here. This is he speaking. 400 00:28:15,220 --> 00:28:17,280 No, I'm not Mr. Lawrence. Who said I was? 401 00:28:19,140 --> 00:28:21,040 Biddy, we have a confused man here. 402 00:28:23,140 --> 00:28:24,140 Hello? 403 00:28:24,820 --> 00:28:29,200 Yes, this is the Mr. Spencer that does electrical and varied gas repairs. 404 00:28:31,020 --> 00:28:34,980 Oh, well, I don't know about that. I don't think I can arrange anything now. 405 00:28:36,320 --> 00:28:40,760 Well, I'm afraid I can't be with you for at least... 406 00:28:41,240 --> 00:28:43,700 Well, 20 minutes. 407 00:28:44,520 --> 00:28:46,640 All right. Could I have your name and address, please? 408 00:28:47,480 --> 00:28:48,960 Thank you. Mr. Brown. 409 00:28:49,340 --> 00:28:51,020 Yes. Could you spell that, please? 410 00:28:51,660 --> 00:28:52,659 Thank you. 411 00:28:52,660 --> 00:28:54,380 26 Upton Down. 412 00:28:54,700 --> 00:28:56,240 Right. Thank you. 413 00:28:56,680 --> 00:28:57,680 Goodbye. 414 00:28:58,700 --> 00:29:00,000 Oh, Betty. 415 00:29:01,060 --> 00:29:02,500 Things are looking up. 416 00:29:02,780 --> 00:29:05,180 He saw my advert in the pie shop window. 417 00:29:05,800 --> 00:29:07,780 And they just bought a new house. 418 00:29:08,270 --> 00:29:10,990 And the central heating's gone wrong, so they've got no heating. 419 00:29:13,310 --> 00:29:16,230 Now, that's a nice sound to leave home to, isn't it? Mr Lewis? 420 00:29:16,450 --> 00:29:17,690 Well, need you ask? 421 00:29:18,190 --> 00:29:19,790 Wonder what else he's got for his birthday. 422 00:29:32,770 --> 00:29:36,770 Are you honking for my ears? 423 00:29:37,230 --> 00:29:39,200 No. I am waiting for a helicopter. 424 00:29:41,920 --> 00:29:47,840 And would you like to know why I am waiting for a helicopter? 425 00:29:49,020 --> 00:29:52,880 Yes. Because that is the only way I can get my car out. You parked too close 426 00:29:52,880 --> 00:29:55,460 again. That's not mine. My car's too down. 427 00:29:55,720 --> 00:29:57,680 That's Mr Thompson from down the road. 428 00:29:58,520 --> 00:30:00,040 I don't think he's up yet, though. 429 00:30:00,340 --> 00:30:01,340 Lazy devil. 430 00:30:01,420 --> 00:30:03,260 He's got no business to park outside my house. 431 00:30:03,960 --> 00:30:04,960 Not up yet, eh? 432 00:30:05,160 --> 00:30:06,280 Well, he soon will be. 433 00:30:06,670 --> 00:30:10,090 No, he always stays in bed late because he works late at the town hall. 434 00:30:10,750 --> 00:30:11,750 He's a wrestler. 435 00:30:14,310 --> 00:30:16,570 A wrestler, is he? 436 00:30:18,790 --> 00:30:19,790 What about that one? 437 00:30:20,250 --> 00:30:21,590 That's Mrs Thompson's. 438 00:30:22,490 --> 00:30:23,650 She's a lady wrestler. 439 00:30:25,350 --> 00:30:26,650 Well, can I be of assistance? 440 00:30:26,950 --> 00:30:28,570 I mean, you've got plenty of room. 441 00:30:29,770 --> 00:30:31,930 There's a good 18 inches at the front here. 442 00:30:32,410 --> 00:30:33,650 And, uh, excuse me? 443 00:30:34,460 --> 00:30:36,100 Excuse me, please. Thank you. 444 00:30:37,640 --> 00:30:40,460 There's another very good 18 inches at the back, I feel. 445 00:30:40,700 --> 00:30:42,480 All right, make sure I don't hit that car behind. 446 00:30:45,060 --> 00:30:46,300 Right, back a bit. 447 00:30:50,060 --> 00:30:51,060 Back a bit more. 448 00:30:55,980 --> 00:31:00,820 A little bit more. 449 00:31:06,320 --> 00:31:07,019 That's it. 450 00:31:07,020 --> 00:31:10,720 All right, that's it. You can pull forwards now. There's plenty of room. 451 00:31:12,140 --> 00:31:14,120 Plenty of room? You must be joking. 452 00:31:40,170 --> 00:31:41,170 I could give you a lift. 453 00:31:41,350 --> 00:31:45,190 Nothing would induce me to get into a moving vehicle with you, Spencer. 454 00:31:45,610 --> 00:31:46,870 Well, there's no need to shout. 455 00:31:47,950 --> 00:31:48,990 Politeness costs nothing. 456 00:31:49,750 --> 00:31:51,110 Neither does a punch in the teeth. 457 00:31:53,430 --> 00:31:55,310 I think I understand your meaning. 458 00:31:57,430 --> 00:31:58,430 I'm off to work. 459 00:32:12,780 --> 00:32:13,840 Are you going forward? 460 00:32:14,180 --> 00:32:16,540 No, no, it's all right. You go through. 461 00:32:17,400 --> 00:32:20,660 Make way for the milkman. Room for him aloud. 462 00:32:21,140 --> 00:32:25,640 With his cheery core, he's a friend to all. And he's cheaper than the cow. 463 00:33:02,550 --> 00:33:03,990 I'm giving you a lift, aren't I? 464 00:33:04,550 --> 00:33:06,430 If it hadn't been for you, I wouldn't need a lift. 465 00:33:06,670 --> 00:33:08,850 Thanks to you, my car is a complete write -off. 466 00:33:11,810 --> 00:33:12,810 I'll say no more. 467 00:33:13,290 --> 00:33:15,270 I can see this isn't one of your good days. 468 00:33:19,170 --> 00:33:21,250 It's not one of your good days. It's you who came here. 469 00:33:22,970 --> 00:33:24,590 Where do you stop an airport? It's in the station. 470 00:33:26,110 --> 00:33:27,110 Boilers. 471 00:33:29,990 --> 00:33:30,990 That's why I'm here. 472 00:33:31,630 --> 00:33:32,790 I have a little job to do. 473 00:33:33,770 --> 00:33:35,570 You said you were taking me to the station. 474 00:33:35,790 --> 00:33:37,070 I'll only be a few minutes. 475 00:33:39,350 --> 00:33:40,410 Patience is a virtue. 476 00:33:51,850 --> 00:33:53,170 Ah, Mr. Brown? 477 00:33:53,490 --> 00:33:55,790 Yeah? Good afternoon, I'm Mr. Spencer. 478 00:33:56,050 --> 00:33:57,290 I'll come about your boiler. 479 00:33:57,590 --> 00:33:58,590 Oh, come in. 480 00:34:12,810 --> 00:34:13,810 What was he doing in there?