1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:00:04,814 --> 00:00:07,667 You guys. You guys will not believe what just happened. 2 00:00:07,767 --> 00:00:09,016 On my way here, a taxi 3 00:00:09,018 --> 00:00:11,318 jumped the curb and it pinned this old lady, 4 00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:13,687 and I-I just went into this, like, crazy adrenaline mode 5 00:00:13,689 --> 00:00:15,239 and I somehow lifted it off her. 6 00:00:15,241 --> 00:00:16,857 Oh, my God, Ted, your wrist. 7 00:00:16,859 --> 00:00:18,475 Oh, yeah, I guess it's a little swollen. 8 00:00:18,477 --> 00:00:20,244 I must've strained it lifting. No, 9 00:00:20,246 --> 00:00:21,829 I believe our dear friend Lily was referring 10 00:00:21,831 --> 00:00:23,030 to your other wrist. 11 00:00:23,032 --> 00:00:25,082 The one wearing the male birth control. 12 00:00:25,084 --> 00:00:26,350 ROBIN: I was gonna go with 13 00:00:26,352 --> 00:00:27,418 "chastity bracelet." 14 00:00:27,420 --> 00:00:29,820 God, is it possible to love you more? 15 00:00:29,822 --> 00:00:31,255 TED: Really? Really? I just 16 00:00:31,257 --> 00:00:33,340 saved someone's life, and you guys are focusing on this? 17 00:00:33,342 --> 00:00:35,042 Yeah, you know what, guys? Leave him alone. 18 00:00:35,044 --> 00:00:36,210 All right, he's a hero. 19 00:00:36,212 --> 00:00:37,344 Thank you. 20 00:00:37,346 --> 00:00:39,830 Do you think that your super strength came from 21 00:00:39,832 --> 00:00:41,382 wearing Wonder Woman's magic wrist cuff? 22 00:00:41,384 --> 00:00:43,133 (laughter) 23 00:00:43,135 --> 00:00:45,168 Yeah, I'll have you know that because of this cuff, 24 00:00:45,170 --> 00:00:46,637 I have a date. 25 00:00:46,639 --> 00:00:47,888 With some hand lotion and the Internet? 26 00:00:47,890 --> 00:00:50,307 It is possible to love you more! 27 00:00:50,309 --> 00:00:53,010 She exists. 28 00:00:53,012 --> 00:00:55,479 And she's right outside. 29 00:00:55,481 --> 00:00:56,363 Great. Bring her in. 30 00:00:56,365 --> 00:00:57,731 You know what? It's so nice out. 31 00:00:57,733 --> 00:00:59,733 Why don't... why don't we just all go for a walk. 32 00:00:59,735 --> 00:01:01,785 It's pouring rain, Ted. I think it's pretty obvious 33 00:01:01,787 --> 00:01:03,404 she can't fit through the door. Mm. 34 00:01:03,406 --> 00:01:05,472 She is a gorgeous, athletic woman. 35 00:01:05,474 --> 00:01:07,908 "Athletic"? Sideburns, no cans. 36 00:01:07,910 --> 00:01:09,093 She is hot. 37 00:01:09,095 --> 00:01:11,028 So why can't she come in, Ted? 38 00:01:11,030 --> 00:01:13,914 She can come in. 39 00:01:13,916 --> 00:01:16,250 (quietly): In six and a half months. 40 00:01:16,252 --> 00:01:18,202 Wait. Are you saying she's... 41 00:01:18,204 --> 00:01:19,236 Twenty. 42 00:01:19,238 --> 00:01:20,337 And a half. 43 00:01:20,339 --> 00:01:21,538 (clears throat) Almost. 44 00:01:24,397 --> 00:01:28,397 00:01:33,422 == sync, corrected by elderman == 46 00:01:37,439 --> 00:01:40,274 Ah-ah! Hold up, guys. 47 00:01:40,276 --> 00:01:43,610 She had to bounce. Um, a flash mob broke out in front 48 00:01:43,612 --> 00:01:46,363 of a line of Korean-Mexican food trucks in Williamsburg. 49 00:01:46,365 --> 00:01:47,397 The only thing 50 00:01:47,399 --> 00:01:49,016 that would make her more of a 20-year-old 51 00:01:49,018 --> 00:01:50,617 is an ironic form 52 00:01:50,619 --> 00:01:51,669 of transportation. BARNEY: Yeah. 53 00:01:51,671 --> 00:01:52,853 She's roller skating there. 54 00:01:52,855 --> 00:01:53,837 (laughs) 55 00:01:53,839 --> 00:01:55,456 I don't know which is more pathetic-- 56 00:01:55,458 --> 00:01:57,458 that you're going out with a 20-year-old 57 00:01:57,460 --> 00:02:00,377 or that you bought a leather cuff to get a date with her. 58 00:02:00,379 --> 00:02:01,745 TED: I didn't buy this 59 00:02:01,747 --> 00:02:02,930 to get a date. 60 00:02:02,932 --> 00:02:04,548 I just happened to be out 61 00:02:04,550 --> 00:02:05,916 catching up on some Saturday afternoon 62 00:02:05,918 --> 00:02:07,250 leather cuff shopping, ROBIN: Oh. 63 00:02:07,252 --> 00:02:10,220 and she just happened to be a leather cuff saleswoman. 64 00:02:10,222 --> 00:02:12,272 (others groan) 65 00:02:12,274 --> 00:02:14,475 God, I am so glad I am done chasing bimbos. 66 00:02:14,477 --> 00:02:16,927 Now that I'm engaged, that whole part of my life 67 00:02:16,929 --> 00:02:18,529 just seems sad and empty. 68 00:02:18,531 --> 00:02:19,596 I don't want this to sound 69 00:02:19,598 --> 00:02:21,899 too harsh, Ted, but you disgust me. 70 00:02:21,901 --> 00:02:25,536 Until a month ago, your headboard had a lube dispenser. 71 00:02:25,538 --> 00:02:26,820 Uh, yeah. 72 00:02:26,822 --> 00:02:29,239 We got rid of that, okay? Yeah. 73 00:02:29,241 --> 00:02:30,491 ROBIN: Anyway, speaking of engaged, 74 00:02:30,493 --> 00:02:32,659 check out what got back from being resized. 75 00:02:32,661 --> 00:02:35,829 Oh, my God. Look at the size of that rock. 76 00:02:35,831 --> 00:02:37,164 Barney, you don't 77 00:02:37,166 --> 00:02:39,449 start with the I-got-caught-cheating diamond. 78 00:02:39,451 --> 00:02:41,451 You give yourself room to grow. 79 00:02:41,453 --> 00:02:42,452 It's a family heirloom. 80 00:02:42,454 --> 00:02:43,954 Yeah, I got a few dirty looks 81 00:02:43,956 --> 00:02:45,422 from Barney's half-sister over Christmas, 82 00:02:45,424 --> 00:02:48,258 so I had to sit her down and explain very respectfully... 83 00:02:48,260 --> 00:02:49,343 that she can suck it. 84 00:02:49,345 --> 00:02:50,293 (chuckles) TED: Okay. 85 00:02:50,295 --> 00:02:51,294 I got to bounce. 86 00:02:51,296 --> 00:02:52,179 Stop saying that. 87 00:02:52,181 --> 00:02:53,981 This DJ from Dubai is spinning 88 00:02:53,983 --> 00:02:55,833 at an abandoned loading dock in Bushwick. 89 00:02:55,835 --> 00:02:57,484 I'm worried I don't have enough layers. 90 00:02:57,486 --> 00:02:59,119 (others groan) NARRATOR: So what if my friends 91 00:02:59,121 --> 00:03:00,487 thought it was doomed? 92 00:03:00,489 --> 00:03:02,639 I was still young, and I knew that a night of partying 93 00:03:02,641 --> 00:03:04,324 with a girl over a decade younger than me 94 00:03:04,326 --> 00:03:05,692 would be a total... 95 00:03:05,694 --> 00:03:08,495 ...disaster. She's like an entirely different species. 96 00:03:08,497 --> 00:03:09,780 (sneezes) 97 00:03:09,782 --> 00:03:11,949 And I definitely didn't have enough layers. 98 00:03:11,951 --> 00:03:14,451 I didn't understand half the words she was saying. 99 00:03:14,453 --> 00:03:18,038 To me, it all sounded like hipster Mad Libs. 100 00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:19,456 Didn't you check your phone? 101 00:03:19,458 --> 00:03:21,508 I just "means of contacting" you 102 00:03:21,510 --> 00:03:23,761 on "currently hot social networking site." 103 00:03:23,763 --> 00:03:24,711 The show's been moved 104 00:03:24,713 --> 00:03:25,796 to "New York neighborhood 105 00:03:25,798 --> 00:03:27,097 you've never heard of." 106 00:03:27,932 --> 00:03:31,852 Oh. Wow, my phone has a clock. 107 00:03:31,854 --> 00:03:35,305 And they subsist on a diet of pointlessly weird combinations. 108 00:03:35,307 --> 00:03:36,356 Ooh. 109 00:03:36,358 --> 00:03:38,142 Hey, do you want to split a kimchi cupcake 110 00:03:38,144 --> 00:03:39,309 with bacon frosting? 111 00:03:39,311 --> 00:03:40,694 They are the best here. 112 00:03:40,696 --> 00:03:42,362 Uh, yeah. Yeah, that'll go great with my 113 00:03:42,364 --> 00:03:44,314 cucumber jalapeño egg cream. 114 00:03:44,316 --> 00:03:45,482 Chug it! Come on. Come on. 115 00:03:45,484 --> 00:03:47,117 We got to get going. Right. Okay. 116 00:03:50,488 --> 00:03:52,522 Then later, at a club in Chinatown 117 00:03:52,524 --> 00:03:54,875 somehow located beneath a manhole cover, 118 00:03:54,877 --> 00:03:55,993 it got weird. 119 00:03:55,995 --> 00:03:57,294 God, I just love those 120 00:03:57,296 --> 00:03:59,797 tiny gray hairs in your eyebrows. 121 00:04:00,448 --> 00:04:02,699 Old men are so sexy. 122 00:04:02,701 --> 00:04:03,834 (Marshall, Lily, Barney and Robin groan) 123 00:04:03,836 --> 00:04:05,452 All right, to be fair, 124 00:04:05,454 --> 00:04:08,138 some of those gray hairs were dried egg cream. 125 00:04:08,140 --> 00:04:09,339 Turns out, when you 126 00:04:09,341 --> 00:04:10,507 projectile vomit on skates, 127 00:04:10,509 --> 00:04:11,758 you roll right into the spray. (Barney groans) 128 00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:14,311 Wait, how old does she think you are? 129 00:04:14,313 --> 00:04:16,046 So, were you in Vietnam? 130 00:04:16,048 --> 00:04:17,080 (others groan) 131 00:04:17,082 --> 00:04:18,632 Hold that groan. 132 00:04:18,634 --> 00:04:19,683 (helicopter blades whirring) 133 00:04:19,685 --> 00:04:22,820 Charlie was everywhere. 134 00:04:22,822 --> 00:04:24,738 (others groan) She's hot! She likes old guys! 135 00:04:24,740 --> 00:04:25,906 Don't judge me! 136 00:04:25,908 --> 00:04:29,076 Anyway, when we got out on the dance floor, th... 137 00:04:29,078 --> 00:04:31,695 I swear, this is what all the 20-year-olds looked like... 138 00:04:31,697 --> 00:04:34,665 (dance music playing) 139 00:04:34,667 --> 00:04:36,783 (others groan) 140 00:04:36,785 --> 00:04:39,402 I want to thank you for your service to this nation, Private. 141 00:04:39,404 --> 00:04:40,737 Colonel. 142 00:04:40,739 --> 00:04:41,371 Aw. 143 00:04:41,373 --> 00:04:43,040 I got to end this. 144 00:04:43,042 --> 00:04:44,508 Yeah, seriously, Ted. 145 00:04:44,510 --> 00:04:47,127 Pretending to be someone else just to get laid? 146 00:04:47,129 --> 00:04:49,012 That's... (scoffs) embarrassing. 147 00:04:49,014 --> 00:04:50,130 Your Highness! 148 00:04:50,132 --> 00:04:52,349 Let's go. 149 00:04:53,401 --> 00:04:54,918 Ew. Marshall, take that off. 150 00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:57,221 What? I think it looks kind of cool. 151 00:04:57,223 --> 00:04:58,555 Cool? 152 00:04:58,557 --> 00:05:01,475 You look like one of those jerks who's in some lame band 153 00:05:01,477 --> 00:05:05,529 and rides a motorcycle without a helmet and has a wallet chain 154 00:05:05,531 --> 00:05:07,898 and neck tattoos and a drug problem. 155 00:05:07,900 --> 00:05:09,533 Not a... a big one, just, uh... 156 00:05:09,535 --> 00:05:13,237 enough that he deals a little bit on the side, and... 157 00:05:13,239 --> 00:05:16,740 he can never... ever be true to one woman. 158 00:05:16,742 --> 00:05:18,775 Finish that damn pickle and do me! 159 00:05:18,777 --> 00:05:21,378 (both moaning) 160 00:05:21,380 --> 00:05:22,796 (door opens) (Robin sighs) 161 00:05:22,798 --> 00:05:25,382 Okay, you guys know how my mornings usually go. 162 00:05:25,384 --> 00:05:26,750 Why would we care how... 163 00:05:26,752 --> 00:05:27,968 Usually it's like this. 164 00:05:27,970 --> 00:05:29,303 (bright, cheerful music plays) 165 00:05:29,305 --> 00:05:31,288 After you. 166 00:05:31,290 --> 00:05:32,723 Aw, thank you. 167 00:05:32,725 --> 00:05:35,125 (giggles, gasps) 168 00:05:37,628 --> 00:05:39,263 On the house, Robin! 169 00:05:40,348 --> 00:05:42,900 ♪ Take this bagel on the house 170 00:05:42,902 --> 00:05:45,102 ♪ Have a paper on the house 171 00:05:45,104 --> 00:05:46,937 ♪ I'd give you a house on the house ♪ 172 00:05:46,939 --> 00:05:49,523 ♪ If I could 173 00:05:49,525 --> 00:05:51,474 ♪ You're so beautiful 174 00:05:51,476 --> 00:05:55,195 ♪ Everything in life should be free ♪ 175 00:05:55,197 --> 00:05:59,866 ♪ It's so wonderful to be me! 176 00:05:59,868 --> 00:06:01,034 Mmm. (giggles) 177 00:06:01,036 --> 00:06:02,536 LILY: Wow. 178 00:06:02,538 --> 00:06:05,923 Do little bluebirds help you get dressed in the morning, too? 179 00:06:06,541 --> 00:06:08,208 ♪ She's exaggerating 180 00:06:08,210 --> 00:06:14,298 ♪ To make a point! 181 00:06:14,300 --> 00:06:16,433 But today was different. 182 00:06:16,435 --> 00:06:18,018 (bright, cheerful music plays) 183 00:06:18,020 --> 00:06:19,269 (music ends) That'll be $3.75. 184 00:06:19,271 --> 00:06:21,438 But I didn't have to pay yesterday. 185 00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:23,106 Okay. $7.50. 186 00:06:23,108 --> 00:06:24,358 (sighs) 187 00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:26,693 Oh, honey-sweetie-baby. It's the ring, Robin. 188 00:06:26,695 --> 00:06:28,178 The ring has power. 189 00:06:28,180 --> 00:06:30,013 When a woman puts on an engagement ring, 190 00:06:30,015 --> 00:06:32,149 it's like when Bilbo Baggins wears the One Ring 191 00:06:32,151 --> 00:06:33,233 in The Hobbit. 192 00:06:33,235 --> 00:06:35,018 Okay, can you say that again but not in nerd? 193 00:06:35,020 --> 00:06:37,687 Sure. Uh, the ring is like the cloak 194 00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:40,040 that Harry Potter wears to sneak around Hogwarts. 195 00:06:40,042 --> 00:06:41,491 Yeah, I don't speak virgin either. 196 00:06:41,493 --> 00:06:44,127 The ring-- it makes you invisible. 197 00:06:44,129 --> 00:06:46,330 (ominous music plays) 198 00:06:46,332 --> 00:06:49,800 RING (whispers): You're not precious. 199 00:06:56,474 --> 00:06:59,209 (muffled shouting, gasps) 200 00:06:59,211 --> 00:07:00,177 Oh, good, you're awake. 201 00:07:00,179 --> 00:07:01,812 (gasping) 202 00:07:01,814 --> 00:07:03,063 Look, Ted, 203 00:07:03,065 --> 00:07:04,765 there's something we have to talk about. 204 00:07:04,767 --> 00:07:07,150 Boundaries? Invasion of privacy? 205 00:07:07,152 --> 00:07:09,186 Losing your key privileges? 206 00:07:09,188 --> 00:07:11,571 It's about the 20-year-old, Ted. 207 00:07:11,573 --> 00:07:13,556 You have to bang her. 208 00:07:13,558 --> 00:07:15,025 For me! 209 00:07:18,971 --> 00:07:21,033 Why do you want me to hook up with this 20-year-old? 210 00:07:21,133 --> 00:07:22,516 I thought I disgusted you. 211 00:07:22,518 --> 00:07:24,185 Yeah, that was all an act. 212 00:07:24,187 --> 00:07:26,437 Look, look, look, I love Robin 213 00:07:26,439 --> 00:07:28,806 and she's the only girl I want to be with. 214 00:07:28,808 --> 00:07:32,810 But my body is detoxing after years of one-night stands. 215 00:07:32,812 --> 00:07:33,794 They don't make 216 00:07:33,796 --> 00:07:36,313 gum or a patch for this, Ted. 217 00:07:36,315 --> 00:07:38,199 But, hey, billion-dollar idea alert. 218 00:07:38,201 --> 00:07:40,701 (muttering indistinctly) Oh, yeah. 219 00:07:40,703 --> 00:07:42,870 That's okay. I'll just buy a new dream journal. 220 00:07:43,705 --> 00:07:47,291 What-what-what are you looking for? 221 00:07:47,293 --> 00:07:48,259 Your phone. 222 00:07:48,261 --> 00:07:49,461 There's got to be some pictures 223 00:07:49,462 --> 00:07:50,427 of her in here. 224 00:07:50,429 --> 00:07:52,129 Damn it. No. 225 00:07:52,131 --> 00:07:53,581 Those are all worthless. 226 00:07:53,583 --> 00:07:55,999 I need some one-night-stand material, Ted. 227 00:07:56,001 --> 00:07:58,269 Oh. Oh. Here's your mom. Hello, Virginia. 228 00:07:58,271 --> 00:08:01,272 Um, my mother is not one-night-stand material. 229 00:08:01,274 --> 00:08:03,808 Yeah, you're right. It wasn't night and we weren't standing. 230 00:08:03,810 --> 00:08:05,175 Hey-oh! 231 00:08:05,177 --> 00:08:06,560 That didn't happen. 232 00:08:06,562 --> 00:08:08,979 You're right. It didn't. (clicks tongue) 233 00:08:08,981 --> 00:08:09,897 You just winked. 234 00:08:09,899 --> 00:08:11,198 No, I didn't. (clicks tongue) 235 00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:12,199 You just did it again! 236 00:08:12,201 --> 00:08:14,852 Look, bottom line: I need you 237 00:08:14,854 --> 00:08:16,787 to proxy bang this girl for me. 238 00:08:16,789 --> 00:08:17,955 Be my stand-in 239 00:08:17,957 --> 00:08:20,040 and put your gland in. 240 00:08:20,042 --> 00:08:22,076 Hey, wow, that'd be good on a hat. 241 00:08:22,078 --> 00:08:23,577 (sighs) Barney, 242 00:08:23,579 --> 00:08:26,747 she's just using me for my gracefully aging body. 243 00:08:26,749 --> 00:08:29,366 You're picking now to get some self-respect? 244 00:08:29,368 --> 00:08:33,304 You once banged a blind girl by pretending to be Sean Connery. 245 00:08:33,306 --> 00:08:34,505 That was you. 246 00:08:34,507 --> 00:08:36,206 (imitates Sean Connery): Yeah, that conquest 247 00:08:36,208 --> 00:08:37,975 was most enjoyable. 248 00:08:37,977 --> 00:08:39,727 I'm sorry. T-To hook up with a girl, 249 00:08:39,729 --> 00:08:42,045 I have to connect with her at least a little. 250 00:08:42,047 --> 00:08:44,148 Then find a connection. 251 00:08:44,150 --> 00:08:45,399 Just go simple. 252 00:08:45,401 --> 00:08:48,485 Nothing about weird poets or buildings 253 00:08:48,487 --> 00:08:51,221 or any of those stupid articles you've ever e-mailed me 254 00:08:51,223 --> 00:08:53,724 with the subject line "Food for thought." 255 00:08:54,526 --> 00:08:56,360 Please, Ted. 256 00:08:56,362 --> 00:08:57,995 I need this. 257 00:08:57,997 --> 00:08:59,663 Fine. You win. 258 00:08:59,665 --> 00:09:00,464 I'll bang 259 00:09:00,466 --> 00:09:02,032 a hot 20-year-old. 260 00:09:02,034 --> 00:09:02,883 (sighs) 261 00:09:02,885 --> 00:09:03,901 But I'm not gonna enjoy... 262 00:09:03,903 --> 00:09:04,902 Oh, who am I kidding? 263 00:09:04,904 --> 00:09:06,086 It's gonna be awesome. 264 00:09:06,088 --> 00:09:09,256 Now, turn off the lights and go. 265 00:09:10,292 --> 00:09:12,459 Not all the way! 266 00:09:14,546 --> 00:09:16,513 Hello. Yeah, three... 267 00:09:16,515 --> 00:09:18,999 Okay, normally New York is the friendliest, 268 00:09:19,001 --> 00:09:21,135 most affordable city in the world. 269 00:09:21,137 --> 00:09:24,371 Now it's as rude and expensive as San Francisco. 270 00:09:24,373 --> 00:09:26,390 Guys? 271 00:09:26,392 --> 00:09:28,309 Oh, hey, that's life once you're engaged. 272 00:09:28,311 --> 00:09:31,362 Oh, tell her, baby. Make it hurt. 273 00:09:32,230 --> 00:09:33,564 I'll be at the booth. 274 00:09:33,566 --> 00:09:35,482 My panties may or may not be on 275 00:09:35,484 --> 00:09:37,100 when you get there. 276 00:09:37,102 --> 00:09:39,153 (whispers): They won't be! 277 00:09:40,038 --> 00:09:42,072 Okay, what is going on with you guys? 278 00:09:42,074 --> 00:09:43,324 It's the cuff. 279 00:09:43,326 --> 00:09:45,876 It turns out that picturing me as a loser musician 280 00:09:45,878 --> 00:09:48,162 with a Vicodin addiction and a beat-up van 281 00:09:48,164 --> 00:09:52,166 I use to steal copper wire really turns Lily's crank. 282 00:09:52,168 --> 00:09:53,167 Who knew? 283 00:09:53,169 --> 00:09:54,919 Whoa, what-what happened to your wrist? 284 00:09:54,921 --> 00:09:57,955 Oh. It's an allergic reaction. 285 00:09:57,957 --> 00:09:59,340 So take it off. 286 00:09:59,342 --> 00:10:01,291 Robin, once you have a child, 287 00:10:01,293 --> 00:10:03,477 anything that gets you even remotely close 288 00:10:03,479 --> 00:10:06,847 to the possibility of sex is worth a few pus-filled blisters. 289 00:10:06,849 --> 00:10:09,400 Better the sores weep than I. 290 00:10:10,468 --> 00:10:12,469 Hey, hold on. That slut just got here. 291 00:10:12,471 --> 00:10:14,571 How'd she get beer already? 292 00:10:14,573 --> 00:10:16,624 Do you see a ring on that finger? 293 00:10:16,626 --> 00:10:18,525 Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. 294 00:10:18,527 --> 00:10:20,160 Are you saying that this invisibility thing 295 00:10:20,162 --> 00:10:22,196 means I might not be able to get beer? 296 00:10:22,198 --> 00:10:24,999 I was just getting used to the idea of having to pay for coffee 297 00:10:25,001 --> 00:10:26,200 and bagels and rent. 298 00:10:26,202 --> 00:10:27,301 Rent? But not being able 299 00:10:27,303 --> 00:10:29,753 to get a beer? Unacceptable. 300 00:10:29,755 --> 00:10:32,089 (sighs) 301 00:10:32,091 --> 00:10:33,874 Excuse me. 302 00:10:33,876 --> 00:10:35,793 Hot girl coming through. 303 00:10:39,798 --> 00:10:41,348 (sighs) 304 00:10:41,350 --> 00:10:43,600 (bright, cheerful music plays) 305 00:10:43,602 --> 00:10:45,853 Huh. (chuckles) 306 00:10:47,272 --> 00:10:48,355 Three beers, please. 307 00:10:48,357 --> 00:10:49,673 ♪ Take the... 308 00:10:49,675 --> 00:10:51,859 (music stops) 309 00:10:52,811 --> 00:10:55,479 ROBIN: Damn it, ring! 310 00:10:55,481 --> 00:10:57,347 Oh, yeah, baby. Mm-hmm. 311 00:10:57,349 --> 00:10:59,616 Later you should totally go out and buy a switchblade. 312 00:10:59,618 --> 00:11:00,951 Mm. Sure. 313 00:11:00,953 --> 00:11:03,854 While I'm out, maybe Daddy picks up some diapers 314 00:11:03,856 --> 00:11:07,074 and a little mild salsa because we're low. 315 00:11:07,076 --> 00:11:08,859 (both moaning) 316 00:11:09,995 --> 00:11:11,829 ROBIN: Well, you're right-- 317 00:11:11,831 --> 00:11:14,665 I'm invisible. 318 00:11:14,667 --> 00:11:17,200 (Lily moaning) 319 00:11:17,202 --> 00:11:19,670 (Robin gulping) 320 00:11:19,672 --> 00:11:21,538 NARRATOR: That night, the only person 321 00:11:21,540 --> 00:11:24,425 in worse shape than Robin was her fiancé. 322 00:11:24,427 --> 00:11:26,260 (panting): Ted, I'm desperate. 323 00:11:26,262 --> 00:11:28,262 Earlier today, I saw that wrist cuff 324 00:11:28,264 --> 00:11:30,314 and I got a partial for Marshall. 325 00:11:30,316 --> 00:11:31,982 Did you bang that girl yet? 326 00:11:31,984 --> 00:11:34,018 Don't get your hopes, or anything else, up. 327 00:11:34,020 --> 00:11:35,652 I tried to connect with her, 328 00:11:35,654 --> 00:11:37,554 but everything just comes back 329 00:11:37,556 --> 00:11:39,857 to her weird fetish about how old I am. 330 00:11:39,859 --> 00:11:43,226 Well, j-just go simple-- does she like TV? 331 00:11:43,228 --> 00:11:44,244 No. 332 00:11:44,246 --> 00:11:46,330 But I'll watch 60 Minutes with you 333 00:11:46,332 --> 00:11:49,500 as loud and as long as you want. 334 00:11:49,502 --> 00:11:50,534 Sports? 335 00:11:50,536 --> 00:11:51,785 No. 336 00:11:51,787 --> 00:11:54,371 But I bet you look super hot playing shuffleboard, 337 00:11:54,373 --> 00:11:57,791 just... slathered in Bengay. 338 00:11:57,793 --> 00:11:59,209 Well, does she like books? 339 00:11:59,211 --> 00:12:00,744 No. 340 00:12:00,746 --> 00:12:02,763 But I bet you do. 341 00:12:02,765 --> 00:12:04,014 (quietly): Mm-hmm. 342 00:12:04,016 --> 00:12:06,100 I bet you have a big, thick 343 00:12:06,102 --> 00:12:08,302 pair of bifocals. 344 00:12:08,304 --> 00:12:11,388 She doesn't have daddy issues, she has granddaddy issues. 345 00:12:11,390 --> 00:12:12,923 I'm ending it. 346 00:12:12,925 --> 00:12:16,110 Ted, I beg of you, don't quit on a body that won't quit. 347 00:12:16,112 --> 00:12:18,428 Ooh, ooh, that'll go sweet on a bumper sticker. 348 00:12:18,430 --> 00:12:19,646 That's going in the journal. 349 00:12:19,648 --> 00:12:21,031 TED: Wait, did you steal 350 00:12:21,033 --> 00:12:22,366 my dream journal? 351 00:12:22,368 --> 00:12:24,952 No! Now, get back in there before all your teeth fall out 352 00:12:24,954 --> 00:12:27,154 and you're naked in front of Shaker Heights High School 353 00:12:27,156 --> 00:12:28,872 in a play you never rehearsed for. 354 00:12:28,874 --> 00:12:30,273 Bastard! 355 00:12:30,275 --> 00:12:33,110 We don't connect on a single thing. It's over. 356 00:12:33,112 --> 00:12:35,496 (beep) It's not... 357 00:12:35,498 --> 00:12:37,131 Look, Carly, I got to tell you something. 358 00:12:37,133 --> 00:12:39,950 I just, I don't see a future here. 359 00:12:39,952 --> 00:12:42,219 Oh, my God. 360 00:12:42,221 --> 00:12:44,421 Are you dying? 361 00:12:45,090 --> 00:12:47,424 (sighs): Oh, that is so hot. 362 00:12:48,292 --> 00:12:49,977 (robotic beeping) 363 00:12:49,979 --> 00:12:51,512 Hey... 364 00:12:51,514 --> 00:12:53,147 is that R2-D2? 365 00:12:53,149 --> 00:12:55,399 Do you like Star Wars? 366 00:12:55,401 --> 00:12:57,300 I love Star Wars. 367 00:12:57,302 --> 00:12:58,635 Me, too! 368 00:12:58,637 --> 00:13:01,972 ♪ 369 00:13:01,974 --> 00:13:04,575 I mean, I've only seen the new ones. 370 00:13:04,577 --> 00:13:06,610 Close enough. 371 00:13:10,281 --> 00:13:12,482 So? 372 00:13:12,484 --> 00:13:13,367 Yeah. 373 00:13:13,369 --> 00:13:15,085 I knew it! I could feel it. 374 00:13:15,087 --> 00:13:18,122 It's almost like we were hooking up with her together. 375 00:13:18,124 --> 00:13:19,373 You felt that, right? 376 00:13:19,375 --> 00:13:20,924 I couldn't have performed if I did. 377 00:13:20,926 --> 00:13:22,292 Don't you see, Ted? 378 00:13:22,294 --> 00:13:24,962 We had a bro-nnection. 379 00:13:24,964 --> 00:13:27,164 (clicking tongue) All right, I got to know 380 00:13:27,166 --> 00:13:28,715 what she looks like-- show me a picture. 381 00:13:28,717 --> 00:13:30,667 Well, normally, I'm above such things, 382 00:13:30,669 --> 00:13:33,804 but it's been a while, and, uh, Teddy's braggin'. 383 00:13:33,806 --> 00:13:35,505 (chuckles) Okay, here she is. 384 00:13:36,057 --> 00:13:38,642 Okay. Scrolling up. 385 00:13:38,644 --> 00:13:39,860 Oh, yeah, those are 386 00:13:39,862 --> 00:13:41,845 "plow me" heels. Nice. Uh-huh. 387 00:13:41,847 --> 00:13:45,365 The knee bruise is encouraging. 388 00:13:45,367 --> 00:13:48,685 Working our way up to those 20-year-old ta-tas. 389 00:13:48,687 --> 00:13:51,121 Oh... gravity's cruel grasp 390 00:13:51,123 --> 00:13:54,191 hasn't found you yet, my sweet perky miracles. 391 00:13:54,193 --> 00:13:55,742 (chuckles) 392 00:13:55,744 --> 00:13:57,828 Now, let's get a gander at Dirty Girl's face. 393 00:13:57,830 --> 00:13:58,829 Mm-hmm. 394 00:13:58,831 --> 00:14:00,197 (gasps) 395 00:14:01,182 --> 00:14:04,084 Her face says, "Ready to bone," am I right? 396 00:14:05,170 --> 00:14:08,088 I say again, am I right? 397 00:14:09,592 --> 00:14:11,752 That's my half sister. 398 00:14:13,377 --> 00:14:17,396 Then you probably shouldn't scroll to the next picture. 399 00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:21,384 No! 400 00:14:25,677 --> 00:14:27,128 That's my sister, Ted! 401 00:14:27,228 --> 00:14:28,728 Well, look, I didn't know! 402 00:14:28,730 --> 00:14:30,529 None of us even knew you had a sister 403 00:14:30,531 --> 00:14:32,498 until two years ago, including you! 404 00:14:32,500 --> 00:14:34,233 This is just some crazy coincidence. 405 00:14:34,235 --> 00:14:36,569 There are four million women in the city of New York, 406 00:14:36,571 --> 00:14:38,070 Ted, and you sleep with my sister? 407 00:14:38,072 --> 00:14:40,104 Why would the universe do that to me? 408 00:14:40,129 --> 00:14:40,991 I don't know. 409 00:14:40,992 --> 00:14:43,075 It's not like you've ever treated women in such a way 410 00:14:43,077 --> 00:14:44,627 that would invite some sort of karmic retribution. 411 00:14:44,629 --> 00:14:46,945 You banged my sister! 412 00:14:46,947 --> 00:14:49,799 My sweet, little, innocent... 413 00:14:49,801 --> 00:14:51,267 Pierced. Really? Where? 414 00:14:51,269 --> 00:14:53,619 Don't answer that! Now I know 415 00:14:53,621 --> 00:14:56,806 why I felt everything you did to her last night. 416 00:14:56,808 --> 00:15:00,559 It wasn't a bro-nnection, it was a sis-nnection! 417 00:15:00,561 --> 00:15:01,844 Oh, my God. 418 00:15:01,846 --> 00:15:04,980 Ted... did you... 419 00:15:07,534 --> 00:15:09,185 Big-time. 420 00:15:09,187 --> 00:15:10,469 Nice! High five! 421 00:15:10,471 --> 00:15:12,021 Wait! No! No! 422 00:15:12,023 --> 00:15:13,272 Retraction five! 423 00:15:13,274 --> 00:15:15,908 (speaks words in reverse) 424 00:15:15,910 --> 00:15:18,527 Hey, hey, you're the one who begged for a proxy bang. 425 00:15:18,529 --> 00:15:20,162 And while we're on the subject of family, 426 00:15:20,164 --> 00:15:22,865 I'm pretty sure you banged my mom-- mom beats sister. 427 00:15:22,867 --> 00:15:25,334 I never banged your mom. (clicks tongue) 428 00:15:25,336 --> 00:15:27,152 You just did the winking thing again! 429 00:15:27,154 --> 00:15:29,004 No, I didn't. (clicks tongue) 430 00:15:29,006 --> 00:15:31,207 Fine. Hey, Barney, let me ask you something. 431 00:15:31,209 --> 00:15:33,209 Were you, uh, feeling a little sore this morning? 432 00:15:33,211 --> 00:15:34,460 Especially... 433 00:15:36,046 --> 00:15:37,179 (gasps) 434 00:15:37,181 --> 00:15:39,382 Friendship over! 435 00:15:41,017 --> 00:15:42,635 Oh, yeah. 436 00:15:42,637 --> 00:15:47,807 Who's your guitar-player-biker- who-couldn't-find-mild-salsa- 437 00:15:47,809 --> 00:15:51,193 but-said-screw-it- and-went-medium bad boy? 438 00:15:51,195 --> 00:15:53,011 (moans) 439 00:15:53,013 --> 00:15:54,563 Marshall, your hand! 440 00:15:54,565 --> 00:15:56,599 NARRATOR: Okay, I'm pretty sure it wasn't that bad, 441 00:15:56,601 --> 00:15:59,351 but this is how Uncle Marshall likes to tell the story. 442 00:15:59,353 --> 00:16:02,238 Oh, yeah, no, that's the cuff. 443 00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:05,357 I'm woozy, and I can't flex my fingers... 444 00:16:05,359 --> 00:16:06,525 (sniffs) 445 00:16:06,527 --> 00:16:08,627 ...and the rotten fish smell is getting stronger. 446 00:16:08,629 --> 00:16:11,497 But I'm learning to compensate with my left. 447 00:16:11,499 --> 00:16:14,633 Is that why last night when I asked you to honka honka me 448 00:16:14,635 --> 00:16:16,085 you only honka'd me? 449 00:16:16,087 --> 00:16:17,536 I didn't think you noticed. 450 00:16:17,538 --> 00:16:20,556 Snap's been jealous of Crackle all day. 451 00:16:20,558 --> 00:16:22,475 Just take the cuff off. 452 00:16:22,477 --> 00:16:24,760 No, but, baby, then all the sex will stop. 453 00:16:24,762 --> 00:16:28,681 Marshall, you don't need a cuff for me to find you sexy. 454 00:16:28,683 --> 00:16:30,182 All you have to do 455 00:16:30,184 --> 00:16:32,785 is smile, and I'm ready for you to hop on Pop. 456 00:16:32,787 --> 00:16:35,237 (chuckles softly) Thanks, baby. 457 00:16:35,239 --> 00:16:38,557 Are you too woozy to do it one last time 458 00:16:38,559 --> 00:16:41,193 before we seek emergency medical attention? 459 00:16:41,195 --> 00:16:43,061 Only one way to find out. 460 00:16:43,063 --> 00:16:45,063 Mm. 461 00:16:49,686 --> 00:16:53,005 I'm sorry, bro, I totally overreacted. 462 00:16:53,007 --> 00:16:54,740 You think? I can't believe 463 00:16:54,742 --> 00:16:56,842 you're allowed to ship a dead possum. 464 00:16:56,844 --> 00:16:58,344 He died? 465 00:16:58,346 --> 00:17:01,547 That possum was supposed to be an olive branch. 466 00:17:01,549 --> 00:17:04,967 Are you sure he's not just playing dead? 467 00:17:04,969 --> 00:17:06,936 He smells like Marshall's hand. 468 00:17:06,938 --> 00:17:08,888 And wait, you-you forgive me? 469 00:17:08,890 --> 00:17:11,106 Absolutely. Hey, I got a couple "cee-gars." 470 00:17:11,108 --> 00:17:12,308 Get over here! 471 00:17:12,310 --> 00:17:15,227 All right. So, where are those "cee-gars"? 472 00:17:15,229 --> 00:17:16,929 Eh, we'll break 'em out in a minute. 473 00:17:16,931 --> 00:17:18,781 (knocks) Hey, Barn. 474 00:17:19,616 --> 00:17:21,317 Ted? 475 00:17:21,319 --> 00:17:23,435 Barney, what is your sister doing here? 476 00:17:23,437 --> 00:17:25,437 Nothing, bro. Or should I say, 477 00:17:25,439 --> 00:17:27,623 bro-in-law! 478 00:17:28,441 --> 00:17:31,660 (organ playing "Wedding March") 479 00:17:38,618 --> 00:17:40,336 ("Wedding March" continues) 480 00:17:40,338 --> 00:17:41,670 Congratulations! 481 00:17:41,672 --> 00:17:44,423 You're marrying my sister! 482 00:17:44,425 --> 00:17:47,426 And you spared no expense, you big crazy! 483 00:17:50,146 --> 00:17:53,298 You know what? I love Barney, 484 00:17:53,300 --> 00:17:54,600 but this ring thing sucks. 485 00:17:54,602 --> 00:17:56,819 Some gross guy just brushed up against my rack 486 00:17:56,821 --> 00:17:58,270 and then apologized. 487 00:17:58,272 --> 00:18:00,689 And I think he really, really meant it. 488 00:18:00,691 --> 00:18:04,076 Oh, sweetie, I know it's nice to be groped by strangers, 489 00:18:04,078 --> 00:18:06,161 but nothing beats the rush you get 490 00:18:06,163 --> 00:18:08,647 when that one special person looks at you. 491 00:18:08,649 --> 00:18:10,115 It's true. 492 00:18:10,117 --> 00:18:14,169 Like here in this bar, there's only one thing that I see, 493 00:18:14,171 --> 00:18:17,373 and I see her brighter and more clearly 494 00:18:17,375 --> 00:18:20,209 than anything else in this world. 495 00:18:20,211 --> 00:18:22,177 You know what that is? 496 00:18:22,179 --> 00:18:23,829 That's love. 497 00:18:24,564 --> 00:18:26,131 And possibly alcohol 498 00:18:26,133 --> 00:18:29,351 mixed with some very powerful antibiotics. 499 00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:33,171 And that's how Barney sees you. 500 00:18:33,173 --> 00:18:35,891 And I know that's how you see Barney. 501 00:18:37,377 --> 00:18:39,845 (clears throat) I'd like to start the service 502 00:18:39,847 --> 00:18:42,197 with a passage from Ted's dream journal. 503 00:18:43,149 --> 00:18:44,700 "Drowning. 504 00:18:44,702 --> 00:18:46,702 "Gasping for air. 505 00:18:46,704 --> 00:18:48,854 No escape." 506 00:18:48,856 --> 00:18:51,356 Wait, is that about Vietnam? 507 00:18:51,358 --> 00:18:52,541 It's about Whole Foods. 508 00:18:52,543 --> 00:18:53,242 Barney. 509 00:18:53,244 --> 00:18:54,359 We are not 510 00:18:54,361 --> 00:18:55,527 getting married. 511 00:18:55,529 --> 00:18:58,581 And those aisles are too narrow! 512 00:18:58,583 --> 00:18:59,832 BARNEY: But you two 513 00:18:59,834 --> 00:19:01,667 have to get married-- otherwise, it's just 514 00:19:01,669 --> 00:19:05,037 a cheap, meaningless, disgusting one-night stand. 515 00:19:05,039 --> 00:19:07,806 Wait, just to be clear, you're saying you're opposed 516 00:19:07,808 --> 00:19:10,676 to cheap, meaningless, disgusting one-night stands? 517 00:19:10,678 --> 00:19:11,710 Yes. 518 00:19:11,712 --> 00:19:13,879 Barney... don't you see? 519 00:19:13,881 --> 00:19:15,881 Your detox is done! 520 00:19:15,883 --> 00:19:17,900 You're over one-night stands! 521 00:19:17,902 --> 00:19:20,235 Oh, my God, you're right! 522 00:19:20,237 --> 00:19:21,937 I'm free! Yeah. 523 00:19:21,939 --> 00:19:25,107 So if you think about it-- but not too much-- 524 00:19:25,109 --> 00:19:27,776 it's actually good that Carly and I hooked up. 525 00:19:27,778 --> 00:19:29,745 Yeah, it's really good. 526 00:19:29,747 --> 00:19:33,365 I mean, this guy goes at it like he's still in his 50s. 527 00:19:33,367 --> 00:19:35,784 Hey, have a cigar, you big crazy! 528 00:19:35,786 --> 00:19:36,785 (chuckles) 529 00:19:36,787 --> 00:19:38,621 Hey, don't try to make this okay. 530 00:19:38,623 --> 00:19:40,205 You still slept with my sister. 531 00:19:40,207 --> 00:19:43,125 Promise me you will never, ever do that again. 532 00:19:43,927 --> 00:19:45,911 I promise. (clicks tongue) 533 00:19:45,913 --> 00:19:47,046 You just winked. 534 00:19:47,048 --> 00:19:49,048 No, I didn't. (clicks tongue) 535 00:19:49,050 --> 00:19:50,966 You did it again! No, I didn't! 536 00:19:50,968 --> 00:19:52,017 You swear, right? 537 00:19:52,019 --> 00:19:54,419 Yeah. Of course. 538 00:19:54,971 --> 00:19:56,772 (clicks tongue) 539 00:19:59,809 --> 00:20:01,457 Hey. That night, 540 00:20:01,458 --> 00:20:03,425 even though she still couldn't get a beer, 541 00:20:03,427 --> 00:20:06,845 Robin realized the true power of the ring. 542 00:20:06,847 --> 00:20:10,415 ♪ 543 00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:15,487 Hey, Robin. 544 00:20:15,488 --> 00:20:16,909 Did you ever figure out how you're gonna get 545 00:20:16,910 --> 00:20:18,827 a drink at the bar now that you're engaged? 546 00:20:18,829 --> 00:20:21,580 Oh, sure. I know a way that's gonna last forever. 547 00:20:21,582 --> 00:20:23,281 Scotch on the rocks? 548 00:20:23,283 --> 00:20:24,416 Coming right up. 549 00:20:30,289 --> 00:20:33,642 Now, before you say anything about the hat... 550 00:20:33,644 --> 00:20:37,295 this new girl's ass is phenomenal! 551 00:20:42,569 --> 00:20:44,020 LILY: Hey, Marshall, you got to see this. 552 00:20:44,149 --> 00:20:46,245 The catalog must have mixed up my order. 553 00:20:46,345 --> 00:20:48,011 You won't believe the jeans they just sent me. 554 00:20:48,013 --> 00:20:49,112 (mumbles) 555 00:20:49,114 --> 00:20:50,947 Hilarious, right? 556 00:20:51,916 --> 00:20:53,483 Totally. (laughs) 557 00:20:53,485 --> 00:20:55,102 You look like some 558 00:20:55,104 --> 00:20:57,952 suburban mom who drives a minivan 559 00:20:58,052 --> 00:21:01,187 filled with stale Cheerios and empty juice boxes... 560 00:21:01,189 --> 00:21:02,851 (laughs) probably makes 561 00:21:03,539 --> 00:21:05,939 chili mac and Frito pie for dinner... 562 00:21:05,941 --> 00:21:08,612 smells like that menthol cigarette that she snuck while 563 00:21:08,712 --> 00:21:10,692 she was waiting to pick her kids up 564 00:21:10,792 --> 00:21:12,158 from hockey practice. Get over here! 565 00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:17,160 == sync, corrected by elderman ==