1 00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:02,434 We both know we don't like each other. Everyone knows that. 2 00:00:02,520 --> 00:00:04,988 We are the Gallagher brothers of politics. 3 00:00:05,080 --> 00:00:07,355 You're all over the newspapers like a pissing puppy, Malcolm. 4 00:00:07,440 --> 00:00:10,591 That's what we masters of the dark arts call a blip. 5 00:00:10,680 --> 00:00:14,275 We need to start booting up this crime stats enquiry. 6 00:00:14,360 --> 00:00:15,475 Julius, what is the deal? 7 00:00:15,560 --> 00:00:18,552 JULIUS: At the moment, Malcolm is getting the sack. 8 00:00:19,080 --> 00:00:21,878 You fucking speak! You've always fucking got something to say. 9 00:00:21,960 --> 00:00:24,349 - I'm only a cabinet minister! - Fuck off, then. 10 00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:26,192 Malcolm Tucker has resigned. 11 00:00:26,280 --> 00:00:27,554 (ALL CHEERING) 12 00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:28,993 Happy days! 13 00:00:29,080 --> 00:00:31,355 You will fucking see me again! 14 00:00:32,160 --> 00:00:34,037 MAN 1: Malcolm? MAN 2: Malcolm? 15 00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:35,109 MAN 3: Malcolm? 16 00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:36,872 I can't comment. Let me in. Now. 17 00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:40,157 - What are you going to do now? - Watch the hedge. Watch the hedge. 18 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:42,470 I'm just trying to get home, please. 19 00:00:42,560 --> 00:00:45,518 Show's over, okay? Fucking bacteria. 20 00:00:46,120 --> 00:00:48,793 (REPORTERS CALLING OUT) 21 00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:51,071 You know, I just can't quite believe this. 22 00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:53,833 I mean, this is the single most shocking thing I've seen in politics 23 00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:54,955 since the SDP. 24 00:00:55,040 --> 00:00:57,759 I thought he'd at least go out with a bang or a killing spree. 25 00:00:57,840 --> 00:01:00,513 I always imagined he'd just shout so hard 26 00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:02,670 his lungs would come up and choke him to death. 27 00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:04,836 - (EMMA CHUCKLES) - MANNION: End of an era. 28 00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:06,512 Yeah, a really shit era though, isn't it? 29 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:07,749 (PHIL WHOOPING) 30 00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:09,637 - Yeah, all right, calm down. - Balrog's dead! 31 00:01:09,720 --> 00:01:11,119 I mean, that's it. I mean, they're done. 32 00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:13,316 I mean, no one can replace him. It's like when Queen lost Freddie. 33 00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:15,231 You know. Certainly not Paul Rodgers. 34 00:01:15,320 --> 00:01:17,959 All right, everyone. That's the two seconds of respect due to him, 35 00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:20,315 now get back to your desks and do something, okay? 36 00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:22,550 Not the sofa. Who are you, Lorraine Kelly? 37 00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:24,949 Get out here and do something. If you've nothing to do, leave, 38 00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:27,952 because you're clearly surplus to requirements. 39 00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:31,237 Um, lads and lasses. 40 00:01:31,320 --> 00:01:32,639 (LAUGHING) 41 00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:34,870 Please, just a quick word. Thank you. 42 00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:38,191 Really, it's just a hand-hold 43 00:01:38,280 --> 00:01:43,229 to set the tone for a slightly re-jigged regime. 44 00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:47,108 I've done all the important departments and now I've got to you. 45 00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:48,633 (LAUGHS) 46 00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:51,231 Seriously, I've done that joke everywhere but... 47 00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:54,949 Even with the genuinely big departments. So I'm not... 48 00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:56,189 (IMITATES GUN FIRING) 49 00:01:56,280 --> 00:01:59,829 ...aiming at you in any sort of a snide way. 50 00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:04,950 I'm just checking that we're all at the very top of our games. 51 00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:06,951 - Glenn, mate? - Sorry. 52 00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:08,837 - Are you on top of your game? - On top? 53 00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:10,990 I am above my game. 54 00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:13,913 I'm in a geo stationary orbit, way above it 55 00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:16,116 looking down and going, "Hello, game, it's Glenn." 56 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:17,679 (LAUGHS) Right. 57 00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:21,116 You know, there's an election looming. This is quite a serious time. 58 00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:22,918 We need to be aware of that. 59 00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:26,356 But I love humour and that was good humour. 60 00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:30,433 Do you want to swim the Channel for Scope? 61 00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:31,555 No! 62 00:02:31,640 --> 00:02:34,950 Do you want to do Dragons' Den for Children in Need? 63 00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:37,231 I'd rather fuck a real dragon. 64 00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:41,711 Would you consider promoting a politically themed restaurant? 65 00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:45,470 How does that even work? Oh, fuck no. I don't care. 66 00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:48,274 Would you like to write a children's book 67 00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:50,635 called The Angry Spider? 68 00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:54,199 So, everything, good. 69 00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:57,558 Yeah, you know, a bit of instability with Malcolm gone, 70 00:02:57,640 --> 00:03:01,838 a sort of sense of post, you know, psychotic twats disorder, but... 71 00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:05,629 No, no, listen, I understand. But you know, 72 00:03:05,720 --> 00:03:10,510 right now you're all emerging from the cellar, 73 00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:14,631 pleased that the beatings have stopped, 74 00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:17,914 scared of what the future might hold, 75 00:03:18,440 --> 00:03:22,991 but long-term, I think we're all going to be okay. 76 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:25,230 Pep talk over. 77 00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:29,074 Return to your desks and prepare for government. 78 00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:30,718 We're in government. 79 00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:34,156 Well, then, prepare to stay in government. 80 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:36,800 - Oh, right. How do we do that? - We pack an overnight bag. 81 00:03:36,880 --> 00:03:39,348 Would you please fucking well... 82 00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:41,468 (LAUGHS) 83 00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:45,157 Do you know, I'm sorry. I lost my temper. 84 00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:47,231 Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? 85 00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:49,834 Oh, I know, I've found it again. It's all right. 86 00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:51,751 Always in the last place you look, eh? 87 00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:52,989 So, can I? 88 00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:54,115 - Yeah. - Great. 89 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:55,997 Uh, actually, can I have a word with you, Nicky, please? 90 00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:57,513 Yeah. Nicola. 91 00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:00,031 I just wanted to check. 92 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:04,629 Obviously, Dan Miller's cabal 93 00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:06,950 is going house to house through the cabinet 94 00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:10,077 looking for numbskulls stupid enough to resign 95 00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:13,357 to trigger his elevation to the throne. 96 00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:17,675 - Obviously. - What I need to know is 97 00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:19,273 are you solid? 98 00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:22,477 Yeah, I am completely... I am solid as the proverbial. 99 00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:24,755 As a rock, as a rock-hard... 100 00:04:24,840 --> 00:04:28,435 As a sailor's wang on shore leave. 101 00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:29,714 Superb. 102 00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:32,993 You really are the potty mouth, aren't you? 103 00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:35,833 (LAUGHS) Well, a lot to do. 104 00:04:36,840 --> 00:04:40,150 Olly, Glenn, in here now. Quick, quick, quick. 105 00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:41,593 Oh, Glenn, don't faff about with your glasses. 106 00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:42,669 I know you take them off 107 00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:43,954 every time you come in here. It's not impressive. 108 00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:45,632 What do we know about the anti-Tom cabal? 109 00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:47,392 Why have I not been contacted by them? 110 00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:49,675 - Well, um, ah... - Because it would be you... 111 00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:53,389 You're seen very much as an individual around the... 112 00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:54,708 That's bollocks, isn't it? 113 00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:56,950 It's 'cause I'm the girl at the party nobody wants to dance with. 114 00:04:57,040 --> 00:04:59,952 I'm the freak in the corner with a pint of cider and blackcurrant 115 00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:02,838 - and the funny eye. - No, no. I mean, it's... 116 00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:05,070 You know, it's a big Rolodex full of numbers. I'm sure... 117 00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:06,559 Thank you. You may go. 118 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:08,596 (STAMMERS) We still would like to dance with you. 119 00:05:08,680 --> 00:05:11,069 Oh, fuck off. Go and put your glasses back on. 120 00:05:11,160 --> 00:05:12,513 - Malcolm. - Sarah Jennings. 121 00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:15,751 Welcome to the BBC. Did you have any trouble getting here? 122 00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:18,308 No. I had trouble getting in. They thought I was a terrorist. 123 00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:19,389 Oh! 124 00:05:19,480 --> 00:05:21,675 (LAUGHS) If you'd like to take a seat down there. 125 00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:23,796 So, we're really very excited. 126 00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:26,189 Yeah, this could be the highlight of my career. 127 00:05:26,280 --> 00:05:27,395 And I've taken a dump in the White House. 128 00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:28,515 (CHUCKLES) 129 00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:31,319 See, that's great banter. That's exactly what we're looking for. 130 00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:32,469 Is it? 131 00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:36,872 So, this pitch. It's for the sort of person 132 00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:38,839 who tried coke once, but didn't like it. 133 00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:41,480 It's a BBC Three show, yeah? It's... 134 00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:44,393 It's a bullshit description, but, you know, it paints a picture. 135 00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:46,311 - Who didn't like coke? - That sort of thing. 136 00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:47,833 (CHUCKLES) Oh! 137 00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:50,878 Yeah, so the idea is you're going to be talking to other people 138 00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:53,235 who, like you, have been through the shit. 139 00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:55,880 For this, I was thinking 140 00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:58,633 Brian Keenan. Uh, Kerry Katona. 141 00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:01,990 Sorry, do you mind? I'm sorry, I've got to take this. 142 00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:03,798 - Just give me a second. - Yeah, no. No, no, no worries. 143 00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:05,950 We'll continue this, yeah? 144 00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:07,189 Hello? 145 00:06:07,640 --> 00:06:09,949 SARAH: Uh... Oh, he seems cool. 146 00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:15,279 Oh, hello. Where did you go for lunch, Belgium? 147 00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:16,588 I was meeting a friend. 148 00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:17,669 GLENN: Oh! OLLY: Right. 149 00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:18,988 Meanwhile, back in Gotham City, 150 00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:23,119 the Express is running the idea that your victim support scheme 151 00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:25,111 is actually a rapists' charter. 152 00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:27,998 And, um, Steve Fleming wants you to do some local media. 153 00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:29,479 There's this guy who's very angry. 154 00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:31,755 His dead mum keeps getting sent parking tickets. 155 00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:35,879 - So can we cover that, please? - So dead mum, rapists. 156 00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:37,473 Yeah. All good. 157 00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:40,871 Olly, could you assemble a policy profile for me 158 00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:43,952 for the Centre for Economic Reform out of Yale? 159 00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:45,712 Yes, I can. Uh, why? 160 00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:48,997 Just curiosity. It's a very interesting think tank. 161 00:06:49,080 --> 00:06:52,231 Haven't been offered a job or anything, have you? 162 00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:55,517 You might comment, I couldn't possibly say yes. 163 00:06:55,640 --> 00:06:57,596 I mean, if you've been offered a job we'd better start, 164 00:06:57,680 --> 00:06:59,989 you know, looking around for something to do ourselves. 165 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:02,753 No, you can't start planning an exit from this department. 166 00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:03,989 That would undermine me. 167 00:07:04,080 --> 00:07:06,719 Nicola, there's someone called Hannah on line three. 168 00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:08,995 - Yes. - She's from the Centre for Economic... 169 00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:11,594 Thank you. Please scram. Sod off. 170 00:07:11,680 --> 00:07:15,719 - Get out. Don't go looking for jobs. - So what do you reckon? 171 00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:17,916 Well, sod that. We'd better put some feelers out. 172 00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:19,558 But, you know, we'll do it discreetly. 173 00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:21,835 Yeah, like you do on the Tube. 174 00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:24,229 Well, I suppose it is the end now, isn't it, for you two? 175 00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:28,632 The full stop after all those commas. A few little semi-colons on the way. 176 00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:30,676 Well, I wouldn't be quite so smug, Terri, 177 00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:33,433 because I heard from very good sources 178 00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:36,512 that the opposition will be getting the Fucker in. 179 00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:37,999 Yeah, that's what I heard, too. 180 00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:39,433 They're definitely getting the Fucker in. 181 00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:41,112 - I haven't heard that. That's... - The Fucker, he coming. 182 00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:42,713 - No, that... - He coming to your town. 183 00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:44,836 You do know why they call him the Fucker, 184 00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:46,239 don't you, Terri? 185 00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:47,753 - Yes. - No, sorry, not you. 186 00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:50,912 Is it because he's a bit of a fucker? 187 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:52,399 So it's not going to be easy for Peter Mannion. 188 00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:54,391 He's not going to be reading The Wind in the Willows, 189 00:07:54,480 --> 00:07:55,549 sipping chamomile tea. 190 00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:58,677 He's going to have a crash helmet on, bent over, 191 00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:02,196 doing his best to be heard over a force 10 fucking from the Fucker. 192 00:08:02,280 --> 00:08:03,269 Piers, hello. 193 00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:08,395 ANDREW NEIL ON TV: Even three months won't be long enough. 194 00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:10,391 (MOBILE PHONE RINGING) 195 00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:14,835 Hello, Philip Schofield. I fuck lobsters for money. 196 00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:17,795 Oh? 197 00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:19,757 - Take the rice first. - MALCOLM: Thank you. 198 00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:23,879 I want you to be very clear, Malc, about why it is that I brought you in. 199 00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:25,154 That's fine. That's fine. 200 00:08:25,240 --> 00:08:27,629 Do you know what hat it is that I'm wearing? 201 00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:29,199 Is it your baldy swimming cap wig? 202 00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:32,352 No, it is my government troubleshooter stetson, 203 00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:35,830 which is a long way from my homburg of sober enquiry. 204 00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:37,956 Do you know that I'm thinking about doing a television programme? 205 00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:40,315 Well, I had heard something on the grapevine. 206 00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:43,119 Yeah, it's good. You know that programme Civilisation with Kenneth Clarke? 207 00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:44,599 - Oh, yes. - It's going to be like that 208 00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:46,238 except with fucking more quim, you know? 209 00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:49,756 It's me, Simon Schama and Alan Yentob in a cage, 210 00:08:49,840 --> 00:08:52,434 fucking lump hammer each, whacking the shit out of each other. 211 00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:54,988 The last man standing wins a fucking Ford Focus. 212 00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:56,798 The thing is, Malcolm, 213 00:08:56,880 --> 00:09:00,839 your departure has basically precipitated a call-to-arms, in effect. 214 00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:03,275 We have it on reasonably good authority 215 00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:06,909 that there are between three to four cabinet ministers who are disgruntled 216 00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:08,752 and are planning a mass resignation. 217 00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:11,593 And that means, very simply, a Dan Miller coronation. 218 00:09:11,680 --> 00:09:14,638 And as my nephew would say, 219 00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:16,631 "This shit just got real." 220 00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:19,518 - Your nephew? - Yeah, he's at Charterhouse. 221 00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:21,194 Only a day boy, not a boarder. 222 00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:23,919 Anyway, the fact is it has to be stopped. 223 00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:28,278 Um... There have been a number of ideas being tossed around. 224 00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:32,717 And one of them is would you be prepared to come back? 225 00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:37,877 Are you out of your tiny, shiny fucking mind? 226 00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:39,632 Look, we can do this simply. 227 00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:42,359 Step one. Are you interested? Of course you are. 228 00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:44,635 Step two. Will you come back? 229 00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:46,509 Yes? 230 00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:49,440 Superb. Step three, and this is the important step, 231 00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:53,354 will you use your considerable influence to destroy the cabal? 232 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:55,718 Can I drop it down? 233 00:09:56,080 --> 00:09:59,914 Fan-dabi-dozi! Step four. It's party time. 234 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,230 Let's tool up with basmati rice and... 235 00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:03,355 Wahey! 236 00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:07,513 You're asking me to come back here and mop up 237 00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:09,795 the fucking splatter from my own assassination? 238 00:10:09,880 --> 00:10:12,269 You know where the bodies are buried. 239 00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:14,032 And we'll just say you're coming back to advise. 240 00:10:14,120 --> 00:10:15,189 It's election strategy. 241 00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:17,840 It's not a day-to-day government business role. 242 00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:22,436 I can't come back in here unless I know I'm in the clear in your report. 243 00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:26,479 I am not in a position to discuss that. Not with my current hat on. 244 00:10:26,560 --> 00:10:29,028 However, would I be sat here now 245 00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:32,112 if the man in the other hat, which is also me, 246 00:10:32,560 --> 00:10:35,552 wasn't sure that everyone involved in this enquiry 247 00:10:35,640 --> 00:10:37,949 didn't come out relatively well? 248 00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:40,635 And what about Steve Fleming, yeah? 249 00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:42,517 You schizo hat fuck. 250 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:44,352 Let me put it this way. 251 00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:46,158 You see this onion bhaji? 252 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:48,959 Let us pretend for a minute that that onion bhaji 253 00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:50,758 is the problems that would be caused 254 00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:53,991 by a report that criticised you or Steve Fleming. 255 00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:55,229 Hmm? 256 00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:56,749 Watch. 257 00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:03,389 You see what I'm doing? I'm eating the onion bhaji. 258 00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:06,269 Why? 259 00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:09,677 Because I am the man that makes the bhaji go away. 260 00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:11,159 There's a rumour that you're getting the Fucker in. 261 00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:12,389 Are you lot getting the Fucker in? 262 00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:15,438 Well, look, if you are just say the word "Fucker". 263 00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:17,715 - Uh... I'll call you back. - Hey. 264 00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:19,392 Tintin's sexy sister. 265 00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:22,711 - You're back. Are you back? - I'm back like ballroom dancing. 266 00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:27,351 And I need your help, my little Fuckbob Shitpants. 267 00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:29,829 Right. Um, well, okay. 268 00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:32,753 I need you to hook me up to a printer. I need a printer. 269 00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:35,354 This is some weight. 270 00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:38,270 I won't do any blow-job jokes if you don't, mate. 271 00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:41,477 Uh, yeah, copy that, mate. 272 00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:43,755 Listen, just because somebody has to kill people for a living, 273 00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:45,671 it doesn't make them a killer. Do you know what I mean? 274 00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:47,398 Not hugely, Malcolm, no. 275 00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:49,277 Anyway, what's the story, fuckanory? 276 00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:51,669 - What's been happening? Come on. - Nothing much, really. 277 00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:53,876 Um, just, only a bit of turbulence. 278 00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:57,794 There's this, um, this job Nicola's thinking of taking. 279 00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:00,314 - Yale, apparently. - The key people? 280 00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:02,915 (LAUGHS) No, the university. 281 00:12:03,160 --> 00:12:06,311 There's a think tank there that's approached her. 282 00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:08,954 I don't think that would be a good idea. Do you think that would be a good idea? 283 00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:10,678 Well, she seems pretty set on it. Actually, she... 284 00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:13,433 Do you think that would be a good idea? 285 00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:16,118 I'll have a word with her. 286 00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:17,838 - Yeah, have a word with her. - Yeah. 287 00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:18,989 - Fine. - So you're not going to ask me 288 00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:20,798 how I'm getting on? 289 00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:23,193 Sorry, that was very rude. 290 00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:26,033 How are you getting on, Malcolm? How are you? 291 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:29,476 - You know, good days and bad days. - Right. 292 00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:32,675 This Steve Fleming thing's... 293 00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:34,912 I don't, you know... 294 00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:37,875 The guy's... I fucking despise the guy, you know. 295 00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:42,272 I despise him as much as fucking james May presumably despises himself. 296 00:12:42,560 --> 00:12:46,872 I'm glad he's getting the fucking death sentence in Nicholson's report. 297 00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:49,434 Ah! Death sentence for Fleming. 298 00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:52,751 You know, that's not something that should be out there. 299 00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:54,558 No. No, no, no, no. 300 00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:55,755 - I'll catch you later, thanks. - Yes. 301 00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:57,592 - Thanks for doing that. - Not a problem, Malcolm. 302 00:12:57,680 --> 00:13:00,274 - My very great... - Brilliant. 303 00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:05,109 Malcolm's back. Malcolm's back, he's through there. 304 00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:06,349 - What? - GLENN: I'll call you back. 305 00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:08,829 - Hi. - Hello. You all right? 306 00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:10,911 You've got that "cock in the cookie jar" look. 307 00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:12,877 - He's back. - Who? Barrymore? 308 00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:14,393 - No. - Clement Attlee? 309 00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:15,595 - Oh, fuck. - Yes. 310 00:13:15,680 --> 00:13:16,669 - Malcolm. - Yes. 311 00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:18,432 Oh, no. God, he's going to kill me. 312 00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:21,318 I was there when he was being sacked and he asked me for help 313 00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,868 and I held out and now he's going to want revenge, isn't he? 314 00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:24,995 Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! 315 00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:27,389 It's gonna be like Kill Bill or Get Carter. 316 00:13:27,480 --> 00:13:29,277 Only it's going to be get and kill Nicola 317 00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:32,079 and then get Carter and Bill to fucking kill her, too. 318 00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:33,309 How did you hear about it? 319 00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:35,470 Well, I just connected his computer for him in the old liaison... 320 00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:36,913 - Fuck! He's in the building? - Yeah. 321 00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:39,639 - Shit. Where is he? - Well, he's in the old liaison office. 322 00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:41,551 But look, he's in an odd way, Nicola. 323 00:13:41,640 --> 00:13:43,312 It's like he's been to the vet and had his knackers done. 324 00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:46,233 Right. When I come back from cabinet I'm going to hide in my office, okay? 325 00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:48,276 For the rest of the day. 326 00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:51,075 Oh, God. I'm going to be glad to be out of this place. 327 00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:54,277 Yeah. Oh, yeah. Are you? Oh, right. Are you... 328 00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:56,874 America... What are you thinking, Yale or nayl? 329 00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:59,758 I don't know. Off the record, what do you think? 330 00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:03,389 I really, really wonder whether it's the right thing for you. 331 00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:07,075 I mean, it's a huge, huge country, isn't it? 332 00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:08,673 I was going to live there, I wasn't going to eat it. 333 00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:12,070 I know. But you know, imagine sitting there on your fanny, 334 00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:14,276 watching King of Queens eating a Twinkie. 335 00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:16,715 Malcolm's told you to warn me off it, hasn't he? 336 00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:18,518 Well, he's... No... Well, yeah. 337 00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:21,478 He's been here two minutes and already he's... 338 00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:24,677 He's pulling the strings of his pathetic little voodoo marionette. 339 00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:26,398 - No, well. - Right. Fuck it. 340 00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:28,948 I'm not going to hide. Bring it on. 341 00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:32,668 Malcolm. 342 00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:34,956 Hey, Nicola. How are you doing? 343 00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:37,429 - You're back. - Yeah, I'm just, you know, 344 00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:38,953 tying up a few loose ends. 345 00:14:39,040 --> 00:14:42,555 With which you're going to plait some kind of garrotte and strangle me? 346 00:14:42,640 --> 00:14:45,950 Forgive and forget. That's my motto. 347 00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:49,476 I thought your motto was "Who fucks wins" or 348 00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:51,630 "Honi soit qui Malc y fuck". 349 00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:54,917 I've got a lot of mottos. Don't take that job, Nicola. 350 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:56,069 God, Malcolm. 351 00:14:56,160 --> 00:15:00,358 The anti-Tom brigade are just waiting for the first piece to fall. 352 00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:05,350 If you resign, it's political fucking Jenga. 353 00:15:06,760 --> 00:15:10,389 You will cause a landslide that will bury this government. 354 00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:13,319 And you'll keep the party in opposition until Daniel Radcliffe 355 00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:16,870 is advertising walk-in baths in the fucking People's Friend. 356 00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:19,110 I've got to go to Number 10. 357 00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:22,634 - I'll chum you over, chum. - Oh, great. 358 00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:29,798 The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain. 359 00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:33,678 Well, actually, that is a popular misconception 360 00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:37,230 because what happens is the rain falls just before the mountain ridge, 361 00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:40,312 but they wouldn't want you to know that because it would spoil the rhyme. 362 00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:43,517 Julius. What's up, Boo Boo? 363 00:15:45,720 --> 00:15:49,508 Not much. I'm just feeding some victuals to these poor old ducks. 364 00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:55,470 That red-crested pochard there is positively hoggish with this Hovis. 365 00:15:56,440 --> 00:15:58,795 I heard certain rumblings 366 00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:01,758 that I don't come out terribly well in this report of yours. 367 00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:05,549 Off the record, matey, am I fucked? 368 00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:08,598 Off the record, and this is strictly between you, me 369 00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:11,194 and that ornamental gatepost over there... 370 00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:12,599 Of course. 371 00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:15,717 The report is strictly confidential until publication. 372 00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:17,313 (LAUGHING) Do you see what I've done there? 373 00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:19,675 The bald man has done a funny. 374 00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:22,957 It's not funny. No, it's not funny at all, Julius. 375 00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:27,155 - I think I'm on sparkling form. - For fuck's sake! You fucking... 376 00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:28,912 - Stephen. - Pontius Pilate, 377 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:30,911 with the emphasis on ponce. 378 00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:33,639 GLENN: Care to do another draft, Sir Whitewash? 379 00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:36,996 - What has The Mirror got? - "Give us the bald facts?" 380 00:16:37,880 --> 00:16:39,199 Oh, it's very rude, that is, isn't it? 381 00:16:39,280 --> 00:16:41,714 I was always taught never to make personal remarks about people. 382 00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:43,552 He's impressive, Malcolm, in an evil way. 383 00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:47,155 Like those women at Crufts who make dogs dance on their hind legs. 384 00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:50,915 And how are we all this morning, bright and breezy or shite and wheezy? 385 00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:52,035 TERRl: Morning, Malcolm. GLENN: Morning. 386 00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:55,715 - Oh, that's a nice, snuggly fleece. - Going to the garden centre, Malcolm? 387 00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:58,439 Oh, this is lovely and warm. 40 tog. 388 00:16:58,520 --> 00:16:59,555 (CHUCKLES) 389 00:16:59,640 --> 00:17:01,358 Tell you what, I'm going to make a cup of tea. 390 00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:03,874 - Terri? - No, Malcolm. No, honestly. 391 00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:05,188 OLLY: You don't have to. I can make the tea. 392 00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:08,636 - Hey, Nicola! You want a cup of tea? - TERRl: Demeaning. 393 00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:10,950 - Okay. - Well, what do you want? 394 00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:12,951 Lemon Zinger, please. 395 00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:14,553 - A what? - Lemon Zinger. 396 00:17:14,640 --> 00:17:16,392 Whatever the lady wants. Is there a kitty for this stuff? 397 00:17:16,480 --> 00:17:17,913 No. I mean, honestly, Malcolm, no. 398 00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:21,276 Is a tenner enough? Take the money, woman, come on. 399 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:24,916 - Thank you very much. - GLENN: Hey, Malcolm? 400 00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:27,195 - Yes? - Bad luck on Steve, eh? 401 00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:31,034 Being long-lensed in the park like that with Nicholson, eh, Malc? 402 00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:32,553 Nice double-whammy, that, isn't it? 403 00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:34,517 Fleming looks like he's trying to influence the report 404 00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:37,876 and do some bald-on-bald cottaging at the same time. 405 00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:40,713 I mean, all that dark arts and spinning, that's yester-Malcolm. 406 00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:42,995 That's not... You know, that's not me any more. 407 00:17:43,080 --> 00:17:45,958 I like the new me. I mean, I feel 20 years younger. 408 00:17:46,040 --> 00:17:48,349 TERRl: And you look it. You look 20 years younger as well. 409 00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:49,759 - Do I? - Mmm. 410 00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:52,434 You're looking great yourself, you know, at the moment. 411 00:17:52,520 --> 00:17:56,115 That colour really suits you. It's very, very attractive. 412 00:17:56,280 --> 00:17:58,510 Christ, is he dying or something? 413 00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:00,113 OLLY: I don't know. TERRl: (WHISPERING) Is he flirting? 414 00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:05,358 - You are a naughty bastard. - Julius. 415 00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:07,749 Best thing I've read all year. It's the only thing, mind you. 416 00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:09,956 You've done some pretty awful things to me in my time, 417 00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:11,837 but this takes the bloody biscuit. 418 00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:13,831 And you've pissed on that biscuit and I've got to eat it. 419 00:18:13,920 --> 00:18:16,878 Well, here's the news, Malcolm. I will not eat the pissy biscuit. 420 00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:19,110 - Sam, no pissy biscuits! - Oh, please. 421 00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:20,872 What are you going on about, Julius? 422 00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:23,110 You made it look as if Steve Fleming leant on me 423 00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:24,838 that I would wrongly exonerate him. 424 00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:26,592 And as a result, I had to come down upon him 425 00:18:26,680 --> 00:18:28,477 like a ton of bricks, 426 00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:32,439 totally unfairly, just to protect my unimpeachable reputation for fairness. 427 00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:34,829 Yeah, well. It's a great report. 428 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,510 I mean, what I really like about it is it's fucking short. 429 00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:40,478 How long did it take you to rewrite the Steve Fleming stuff? 430 00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:41,675 I pulled an all-nighter. 431 00:18:41,760 --> 00:18:44,320 Black coffee, Vivaldi on the iPod Touch. 432 00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:48,632 It was certainly worth it. I mean, he comes over as a 28-carat shite. 433 00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:51,878 Oh, Steve, mate. Have you seen the papers? 434 00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:54,318 Looks like you're becoming the story. 435 00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:57,995 - Steven, can I begin by saying... - Oh, no. I understand, Julius. 436 00:18:58,080 --> 00:19:00,674 It's the game we play. You did what you had to do. 437 00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:04,036 - Yes, but all the same, Steven... - Steve! 438 00:19:04,120 --> 00:19:06,554 (CLEARS THROAT) I'm sorry. I'll not forget this. 439 00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:13,918 You off to clear your desk, Steve? 440 00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:18,835 Don't forget your lucky gonk and your "World's Shittest Dad" mug. 441 00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:22,754 We were on the same side, Malcolm, and you fucked me over. 442 00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:25,992 Not me, Steve-o. Not me. The independent report. 443 00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:28,548 So, you know, I'm sorry, but you're going to have to go. 444 00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:30,756 Oh, I agree with you, I'm going. 445 00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:33,308 I'm going to resign from the cabinet. 446 00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:36,710 And then I'm going to go and join Dan Miller's team. 447 00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:40,075 I think we need a new leader. 448 00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:42,678 - Steve! - Oh, no, no, no. 449 00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:45,513 Steve. Don't you ever take up fucking poker, 450 00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:46,999 'cause you're a crap liar. 451 00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:51,198 I am going to join Dan Miller's team and then we are going to take you down. 452 00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:54,829 We are going to take you down to funky town! 453 00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:57,753 Funky town centre, here you come. 454 00:19:57,840 --> 00:20:00,149 Choo fucking choo. 455 00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:02,151 Is this what you're threatening me with? Fucking disco lights? 456 00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:05,152 And a fucking choo choo train? You're a joke, Steve. 457 00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:07,310 (LAUGHS) There's nothing you can do. 458 00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:08,958 - Steve. - Yeah? 459 00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:11,110 There's one thing I can do. 460 00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:13,953 - What are you going to do? - Yeah, wouldn't you like to know? 461 00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:17,157 Who are you going to meet? Who's your meeting with? 462 00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:18,629 Bye-bye. 463 00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:21,234 I'm not fucking worried, mate! 464 00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:23,959 Fuck him. Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him! 465 00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:26,759 Okay, listen up everybody. That was Gavin over at Number 10. 466 00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:29,434 He reckons that Steve Fleming has just joined the cabal. 467 00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:30,589 (ALL EXCLAIMING) 468 00:20:30,680 --> 00:20:32,432 - GLENN: Yeah, mate. - That's a complete disaster. 469 00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:34,511 There'll be nothing else on television for weeks. 470 00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:36,591 Where's Malcolm? Where's the dark knight in all this? 471 00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:38,955 Malcolm will have grabbed his false passport by now. 472 00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:40,189 He'll be on a plane to Brazil 473 00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:41,838 and he's about to spend the rest of his days 474 00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:43,956 being the world's scariest dentist. 475 00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:46,554 Derek! Get the fuck down to ITN right now 476 00:20:46,640 --> 00:20:48,358 and start briefing the shit out of them, right? 477 00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:50,874 Where's Sarah? I want Sarah to do the cars. 478 00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:52,632 I want her to pimp the ministerial rides. 479 00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:55,075 Come on. Fire up the mid-range saloons. 480 00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:56,479 Nicola Murray, just the girl. 481 00:20:56,560 --> 00:20:59,518 - What the hell's going on here? - In 20 minutes' time, 482 00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:01,750 the Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland 483 00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:05,196 is going to announce that he is calling the election. 484 00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:07,593 Shitting Henry. 485 00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:09,079 Thank you very much. 486 00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:12,675 Okay. How... What I don't... Right. How are you announcing... 487 00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:14,591 The Cabinet haven't... You know, we haven't actually had... 488 00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:15,715 So how... What I... Who... 489 00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:16,869 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 490 00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:19,110 - Who actually is... - Exactly. Exactly. Exactly, Nicola. 491 00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:22,192 See that fucking gibbering? That's what everyone is doing right now. 492 00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:24,635 The fucking cabal. The fucking opposition. Fucking us. 493 00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:28,235 - We have grabbed the initiative. - Yeah, for maybe five minutes. 494 00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:30,788 Well, life is just a succession of five minuteses. 495 00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:33,394 Oh, great. Okay, so you're Buddha now, are you? 496 00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:36,358 Yeah, if Buddha had been on the cover of GQ magazine. 497 00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:39,637 Yeah, could you get me the Yale Centre for Economic Renewal, please? 498 00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:43,395 - Why are you ringing them? - Stay. Stay. 499 00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:45,710 No, look. Please don't ring... Don't fucking ring her! 500 00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:46,835 Hello? No, just relax. 501 00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:48,114 You've got plenty of time. It's not ringing. 502 00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:49,918 Loads of... Oh, actually it is ringing. 503 00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:52,992 It's time to tell the Yanks to fuck off. Come on. 504 00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:54,832 You're going to go leafletting in Neasden, yeah? 505 00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:57,718 You have no right to do this. I will not be bounced by you. 506 00:21:57,800 --> 00:22:01,349 Listen, if you quit now, you might well cost us this election, right? 507 00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:02,998 - Bollocks. - But see, if we win, 508 00:22:03,080 --> 00:22:05,196 there will be rewards. 509 00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:07,956 Now, you've seen the Foreign Office, right? 510 00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:10,956 It's fucking huge, isn't it? 511 00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:19,277 - Don't make me do this. - (WHISPERING) Stay. 512 00:22:19,360 --> 00:22:21,794 - Okay, I'll stay. - Hannah, yeah, sorry. 513 00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:25,714 I would just like to put you on to our mutual acquaintance, Nicola Murray. 514 00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:28,712 She's got something that she wants to tell you. 515 00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:30,233 Hannah. Um... 516 00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:34,031 - There's nobody there. - Yeah, I spoke to her already. 517 00:22:34,120 --> 00:22:35,189 You fucker! 518 00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:38,590 I'm going to put a word in for you about the Foreign Office job. 519 00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:40,318 They're always looking for cleaners there. It's fucking huge. 520 00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:41,515 You fucker, Malcolm! 521 00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:44,792 All right, now. Listen up, my children of a lesser God. 522 00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:49,670 You will find a file marked Snap Election Drill on the J drive. 523 00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:51,637 And if you don't know how to access the J drive 524 00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:53,073 hand your pass in at reception, 525 00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:55,913 go and buy some silver body paint and pretend to be a robot on the South Bank. 526 00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:57,911 Fly, my pretties, fly. 527 00:22:58,000 --> 00:22:59,115 (MOBILE PHONE BEEPING) 528 00:22:59,200 --> 00:23:01,350 Stewart! Stewart, the Fucker's downstairs. 529 00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:03,954 No, no, no. He's not downstairs. But if he were, I'd know about it 530 00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:06,076 and if I knew about it, I would have vetoed it. Okay? 531 00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:07,832 He is, and he is complete poison. 532 00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:09,831 Ah, the Fucker! 533 00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:12,639 And you thought he was just a myth created to frighten naughty MPs 534 00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:14,836 into eating all their truffles and swan. 535 00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:18,196 Watch my lips. Cal Richards is not here. 536 00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:19,998 - Cal! - Hello. 537 00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:21,308 - Hi. - Hi, Stewart. 538 00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:22,719 Good to see you. I didn't know about this. 539 00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:24,199 - JB didn't say anything... - Hello, everyone. 540 00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:25,759 I just wanted it to be a surprise. 541 00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:27,876 Yeah. Why are you... Why are you here? 542 00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:29,154 Well, mate, I just thought I'd check in 543 00:23:29,240 --> 00:23:31,196 with the intellectual powerhouse of the party. That's all. 544 00:23:31,280 --> 00:23:32,315 - Emma. - That's why I'm here. 545 00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:34,516 Right. If you want to step in the office, yeah? 546 00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:35,919 I'll dismiss the children and we can talk. 547 00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:38,230 No. 'Cause I'm kidding, aren't I? 548 00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:42,472 No, because I've come here to tell you that you're fucking sacked. 549 00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:45,233 Halle-bloody-lujah! 550 00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:47,073 Shall I escort Stewart from the building then, Cal? 551 00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:48,832 EMMA: Philip, don't be such a fucking turncoat. 552 00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:50,512 Yes, Philip. Excellent idea. 553 00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:52,477 And while you're there, could you do me another favour, please? 554 00:23:52,560 --> 00:23:55,552 Could you find a hostel, go there 555 00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:57,995 and take a fucking overdose of barbiturates? 556 00:23:58,080 --> 00:23:59,718 (EMMA SNICKERING) 557 00:23:59,920 --> 00:24:01,990 Yeah, right. Okay, well, I'm not fired. 558 00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:04,878 You can't fire me, Cal, so shall we just cut to the chase? Hmm? 559 00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:07,793 "You can't fire me, Cal, 'cause you're..." 560 00:24:07,880 --> 00:24:09,074 Gotcha! 561 00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:11,879 I'm kidding. Of course you're not fired. Look at your face. 562 00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:13,439 (CAL LAUGHING) 563 00:24:13,560 --> 00:24:14,754 - Funny. - I'm sensing 564 00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:18,549 a change of management styles here from touchy-feely to smashy-testes. 565 00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:21,677 No, okay, joking aside, I'm just an impartial observer. 566 00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:25,639 Quite partial, obviously, so take it away, Captain Mainwaring. 567 00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:27,199 All right, folks, listen up. 568 00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:31,637 We have three key targets when we are smart-bombing our beloved PM 569 00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:35,269 and they are the deficit, unemployment, lack of leadership. 570 00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:36,873 Get onto the J drive, you'll find key... 571 00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:40,111 (SHOUTING) Fuck! That is brilliant! 572 00:24:40,200 --> 00:24:41,838 That is inspired! 573 00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:44,673 What sauce! Get in! 574 00:24:45,120 --> 00:24:49,272 It's the economy, Stewpot! 575 00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:54,757 Fuck! What I really need to do is shoot you all in the back of the head. 576 00:24:54,840 --> 00:24:57,229 Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! 577 00:24:57,320 --> 00:24:59,709 But I can't because it's illegal. 578 00:25:01,560 --> 00:25:06,076 Okay, I'd like a small cappuccino, two extra shots, please. 579 00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:09,434 I think we've got a long night ahead of us. 580 00:25:09,560 --> 00:25:11,357 - Come on. - I'm coming. 581 00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:14,072 Better the devil you know, huh? 582 00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:17,353 Five years... 583 00:25:20,080 --> 00:25:21,195 I can't work the coffee machine. 584 00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:22,952 Fantastic news, isn't it? Yeah. 585 00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:25,600 I'm going to be much freer. Two free weeks... 586 00:25:25,680 --> 00:25:27,477 So, did I miss anything? 587 00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:29,915 Well, Glenn won a pound on a scratch card. 588 00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:32,150 That's my retirement sorted. 589 00:25:33,120 --> 00:25:35,839 So, we get out there and hust, do we? 590 00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:38,878 - Hmm? - Hust. We go to the hustings. 591 00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:41,630 - Don't think it's a verb, is it, Glenn? - Well, all right... 592 00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:44,154 - Do me a huge favour. - Mmm-hmm? 593 00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:47,232 Could you just not talk for a second? 594 00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:49,995 Okay. 595 00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:53,429 I think we're just playing it in the wrong key. 596 00:25:53,520 --> 00:25:54,589 It's when we go, 597 00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:56,318 ♪ Red and yellow and blue ♪ 598 00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:57,879 What is she talking about? 599 00:25:57,960 --> 00:26:02,078 Oh. She's putting on her annual production of Joseph in Hemel Hempstead. 600 00:26:02,160 --> 00:26:04,674 She doesn't license it ever because she considers Joseph 601 00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:06,273 to be public domain. 602 00:26:06,360 --> 00:26:09,397 But I need to just pitch a little higher. More like... 603 00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:12,472 - - She's directing it. 604 00:26:12,560 --> 00:26:13,993 - Oh. - And starring. 605 00:26:14,360 --> 00:26:15,634 As Jacob. 606 00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:17,559 (WHISPERING) With a beard? 607 00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:18,914 Well, one assumes with a beard. 608 00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:21,673 Maybe she'll just let herself go for a couple of weeks, see what happens. 609 00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:23,552 MALCOLM: I know what people say to you, right? 610 00:26:23,640 --> 00:26:26,598 They say, "We hate you. 611 00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:28,830 "I hate you. I hate you. I hate you." 612 00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:31,673 Everybody hates you. So fucking what? 613 00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:34,513 Some people, they just fucking love to hate. 614 00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:38,479 Some people, they'd fucking walk around the fucking Garden of Eden 615 00:26:38,560 --> 00:26:41,393 fucking moaning about the lack of fucking mobile reception. 616 00:26:41,480 --> 00:26:44,392 These are the kind of fucks who watched Mandela, 617 00:26:44,480 --> 00:26:46,391 fucking Nelson Mandela, 618 00:26:47,360 --> 00:26:48,759 walk to freedom 619 00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:51,434 and said, "Is Diagnosis Murder not on the other side?" 620 00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:54,078 So we fucking forget about them. 621 00:26:54,160 --> 00:26:56,720 This government has run this country into the ground. 622 00:26:56,800 --> 00:26:59,678 This used to be a green and pleasant land, 623 00:26:59,760 --> 00:27:02,638 now it's the colour of the fucking BBC weather map. 624 00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:05,755 It looks like anaemic dogshit. 625 00:27:05,840 --> 00:27:06,955 JB, 626 00:27:08,520 --> 00:27:13,719 Cal Richards and their hordes of fucking robots, 627 00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:18,316 they're coming over the hill towards us and all you have got to do is this. 628 00:27:18,400 --> 00:27:21,790 Bend down, pick up any fucking weapon you can 629 00:27:21,880 --> 00:27:23,279 and twat the fuckery out of them. 630 00:27:23,360 --> 00:27:26,716 This government is maimed, but it can't be shamed, 631 00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:30,073 it will be fucked. 632 00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:32,958 Let's get out there and let's fucking kill them. 633 00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:36,112 Let's set fire to tiers! Let's go! 634 00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:38,589 Come on! Let's go, yes! 635 00:27:38,680 --> 00:27:40,557 Okay, let's get going. 636 00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:43,633 PHIL: What do we do? 637 00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:45,358 What do I call for an outside line? 638 00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:46,873 EMMA: That was great, wasn't it? PHIL: What do we do? 639 00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:49,554 Is it nine? 'Cause that's what it is everywhere else. 640 00:27:49,640 --> 00:27:51,312 OLLY: Car's here. Car's here, Nicola! 641 00:27:51,400 --> 00:27:53,834 GLENN: We're off. Bye-bye, Terri, then. See you soon. 642 00:27:53,920 --> 00:27:57,435 - Just want to say goodbye. - I'm sorry. Very sticky but... 643 00:27:57,520 --> 00:27:59,670 - Thank you. Honestly, it's... - Oh, have I scratched you? 644 00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:02,435 I just want to say, honestly. 645 00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:03,749 I mean it. 646 00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:07,790 NICOLA: Thank you and yeah. Thanks for the stuff. 647 00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:09,719 TERRl: Glenn, I don't know about you with... 648 00:28:09,800 --> 00:28:12,394 Don't worry about me, Terri. I've got plenty of options. 649 00:28:12,480 --> 00:28:13,879 I'm just going to take stock. 650 00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:15,109 From Morrisons? 651 00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:17,634 PHIL: Okay, yeah and he can pick some records as well. 652 00:28:17,720 --> 00:28:20,712 Girls Aloud, will that make him too seedy? Okay, Girls Aloud. 653 00:28:20,800 --> 00:28:24,679 CAL: Stop saying Abingdon to me. I want a fucking chocolate biscuit. 654 00:28:24,760 --> 00:28:26,990 PHIL: I've booked him on another breakfast show, BBC Warwick, 655 00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:28,672 Brian and Robo, apparently they're very funny. 656 00:28:28,760 --> 00:28:30,273 Yeah, for the first time in a decade, 657 00:28:30,360 --> 00:28:32,430 I can feel the old dog twitching to life. 658 00:28:32,760 --> 00:28:36,230 "So sorry me. This election give me an erection." 659 00:28:37,040 --> 00:28:39,554 The old dog I was referring to was me. 660 00:28:40,360 --> 00:28:42,271 (HOOVER WHIRRING) 661 00:28:44,880 --> 00:28:46,472 See you, Nicola! 662 00:28:48,240 --> 00:28:49,434 Or not.