1
00:00:21,358 --> 00:00:25,509
♪ Today's the day that I locate
the ghost that's haunting this flat
2
00:00:25,557 --> 00:00:28,151
♪ It won't take long
with me extendable prong
3
00:00:28,197 --> 00:00:31,347
♪ As I poke it into
nooks and crannies
4
00:00:32,476 --> 00:00:34,387
♪ Will you look at that tit?
5
00:00:34,436 --> 00:00:35,630
♪ He thinks he's it
6
00:00:35,676 --> 00:00:37,711
♪ With his probe
he bought from the pound store
7
00:00:37,755 --> 00:00:40,189
♪ It's just a can of Tile Well
8
00:00:40,235 --> 00:00:43,033
♪ With a fish slice for an aerial. ♪
9
00:00:45,035 --> 00:00:48,231
So, Vic, there's your le... Ooh!
10
00:00:48,274 --> 00:00:50,708
- Ooh, excuse me.
- There's your leg o' lamb.
11
00:00:50,754 --> 00:00:52,744
Thank you. Well, I'll have to eat it quick
because the lads will be round
12
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- very shortly for the ghost hunt.
- Oh the ghost hunt, that's today, is it?
13
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- Yes.
- Yeah?
14
00:00:56,833 --> 00:00:58,949
What makes you think
there's a ghost in this flat, Vic?
15
00:00:58,993 --> 00:01:01,631
Well, one - ectoplasm in the toilet.
16
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Yeah, no, that's just
your night toffee, Vic, innit?
17
00:01:04,912 --> 00:01:09,189
Two - ghostly moanings
in the middle of the night.
18
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Ooh, what do they sound like?
19
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Just like a...
20
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Oo-hoo! Whoooooo!
21
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Whoooooo!
22
00:01:16,830 --> 00:01:18,502
All right, Bosh, you leaving today?
23
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- What do you think?
- No?
24
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Correct, you twat.
25
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- Have a word.
- And three, Bob,
26
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- and you can't deny this.
- Go on, then.
27
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This flat is built above
an ancient Indian burial ground.
28
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No, no, no, Vic,
29
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it's above an Asian-Indian
balti house.
30
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Very different.
Very different concepts altogether.
31
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Well, there is a ghost round here
32
00:01:41,307 --> 00:01:42,660
and tonight
I'm going to prove it anyway.
33
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All right, then,
what do you think of me dish?
34
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It's very nice, talk me through it.
35
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Well, as I say, it's a leg o' lamb,
it's not a lamb made of Lego.
36
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No, the dish is...
37
00:01:54,105 --> 00:01:57,302
The dish is formally known
as lamb tuxedo,
38
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as you can see by the bow tie there, yeah?
39
00:02:00,144 --> 00:02:01,259
Yeah. What about the scissors?
40
00:02:01,304 --> 00:02:05,138
Oh, the scissors, that's just
an English twist on the chopstick.
41
00:02:05,184 --> 00:02:06,299
Yeah.
42
00:02:06,344 --> 00:02:08,061
- Thought you'd like that.
- It's nice, yeah.
43
00:02:08,103 --> 00:02:09,456
Where'd you get the idea?
44
00:02:09,503 --> 00:02:12,142
The idea? I got it from
an episode of Come Dine With Me.
45
00:02:12,183 --> 00:02:13,059
From Preston?
46
00:02:13,103 --> 00:02:15,094
Well, yeah,
they're all from Preston, aren't they?
47
00:02:15,142 --> 00:02:17,702
Well, they seem to be, yeah.
I think I saw this one.
48
00:02:17,742 --> 00:02:20,973
Is this the one where there was, like,
a middle-aged pole-dancing woman
49
00:02:21,022 --> 00:02:22,580
whose boobs were spilling out
all over the table?
50
00:02:22,621 --> 00:02:24,259
All over the table, yeah.
51
00:02:24,301 --> 00:02:28,931
And she... she offered the other guests
a mouth organ wrapped in bacon!
52
00:02:30,780 --> 00:02:35,900
I mean, what sort of idiot would
present a mouth organ as food
53
00:02:35,940 --> 00:02:38,214
unless they're a complete moron?
54
00:02:39,539 --> 00:02:41,894
You all right, what's the matter?
55
00:02:41,939 --> 00:02:45,055
- Get it out!
- You got a mouth organ in your mouth?
56
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Well, take it out.
57
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Can't, it's stuck.
58
00:02:52,097 --> 00:02:53,449
Hang on.
59
00:02:53,496 --> 00:02:59,173
I'll use the miracle of suction,
that usually works with most things.
60
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So, Vic, can you fill me in on this
ghost scenario, what it's all about?
61
00:03:22,653 --> 00:03:24,847
Yes, of course.
Well, I read about it
62
00:03:24,892 --> 00:03:27,360
in my copy of Ghost Hunter Monthly.
63
00:03:27,412 --> 00:03:29,972
Oh, wow.
How often do you get that magazine?
64
00:03:32,051 --> 00:03:34,724
- It's monthly.
- Oh, yes, it says monthly, yeah.
65
00:03:34,771 --> 00:03:37,160
Anyway, so...
Oh, look, here's the advert here.
66
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It says, '"This month's competition,'"
blah, blah, blah,
67
00:03:40,930 --> 00:03:44,718
'"fantastic prizes, your chance
to win,'" blah, blah, blah, blah, erm...
68
00:03:44,770 --> 00:03:46,805
Blah, blah, blah...
69
00:03:46,849 --> 00:03:50,603
'"All entrants must provide a genuine
photograph of a real living ghost... '"
70
00:03:50,649 --> 00:03:52,480
blah, blah, blah...
71
00:03:52,529 --> 00:03:54,723
Blah, blah, blah, blah...
72
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And the competition closes...
73
00:03:56,648 --> 00:03:58,240
...tomorrow morning.
- Vic, give me the horn.
74
00:03:58,288 --> 00:04:00,482
- Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
- Vic, give me the horn.
75
00:04:00,527 --> 00:04:01,676
I'm not giving you the horn.
76
00:04:01,727 --> 00:04:04,764
You are giving me the horn.
77
00:04:04,807 --> 00:04:07,640
Eugh! Eugh! Eugh!
78
00:04:07,687 --> 00:04:09,995
- All right, Erik?
- All right?
79
00:04:10,046 --> 00:04:11,399
Well, hey, Vic.
80
00:04:11,446 --> 00:04:12,845
- Yeah.
- I love the cool honking,
81
00:04:12,886 --> 00:04:14,285
can I borrow the hooter?
82
00:04:14,326 --> 00:04:15,474
Yeah, go ahead.
83
00:04:15,525 --> 00:04:17,481
That's good stuff.
84
00:04:17,525 --> 00:04:19,277
Ah!
85
00:04:19,325 --> 00:04:21,600
And can I bring it to my room maybe?
86
00:04:21,645 --> 00:04:23,236
Yeah, go on, take it,
you can borrow it, yeah.
87
00:04:23,284 --> 00:04:25,718
Hey, Erik, would you like me
to do some cool honking?
88
00:04:25,764 --> 00:04:26,719
I'm pretty good at it.
89
00:04:26,764 --> 00:04:30,676
'"Oh, Erik, would you like me
to do some cool honking?
90
00:04:30,723 --> 00:04:32,600
'"I'm pretty good at it! '"
91
00:04:32,643 --> 00:04:34,315
He's got you down there, hasn't he?
92
00:04:35,363 --> 00:04:37,319
I don't speak like that, do I?
93
00:04:37,363 --> 00:04:39,478
'"Oh, I don't speak like that, do I?
94
00:04:39,522 --> 00:04:42,195
'"Oh, this is how I talk, is it not? '"
95
00:04:42,242 --> 00:04:44,437
- That's you.
- Is it?
96
00:04:44,482 --> 00:04:46,597
It is you!
97
00:04:46,641 --> 00:04:48,677
- Oh, about the ghost hunt, though...
- Yeah.
98
00:04:48,721 --> 00:04:50,598
Are there any prizes?
You said something about prizes.
99
00:04:50,641 --> 00:04:52,438
Oh, yeah, there are prizes...
100
00:04:52,481 --> 00:04:56,598
Third prize is, erm...
Well, look, a day out with Andy Barker.
101
00:04:56,640 --> 00:04:58,631
Who's Andy Barker?
102
00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:00,237
I dunno, maybe Sue Barker's husband?
103
00:05:00,279 --> 00:05:04,033
- Yeah, or maybe Roy Barker's son?
- Who's Roy Barker?
104
00:05:04,079 --> 00:05:06,434
I dunno, I thought
he might be Sue Barker's husband.
105
00:05:07,998 --> 00:05:09,989
Second prize, ooh, you'll like this,
this is right up your street.
106
00:05:10,038 --> 00:05:13,428
- Go on, hit me. Go on.
- Look, a job in a loudspeaker shop.
107
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- Ohh! Cor, I would like that.
- I know you would.
108
00:05:15,118 --> 00:05:16,470
Can you not tick that box?
109
00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:18,906
No, because the first prize
is what I want.
110
00:05:18,957 --> 00:05:20,470
- What?
- A chimp.
111
00:05:21,917 --> 00:05:22,905
A chimp?
112
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A chimp at my beck and call.
Get in!
113
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Vic, you're not having
a chimp in this house,
114
00:05:36,595 --> 00:05:38,550
it's full of morons already.
115
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♪ I'm an exorcist with my crucifix
116
00:05:43,514 --> 00:05:46,710
♪ And my rosary made of mung beans
117
00:05:47,633 --> 00:05:49,624
♪ With my metal detector
118
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♪ I'll find the spectre
119
00:05:51,353 --> 00:05:53,308
♪ Cos mostly ghosts
120
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♪ Wear iron waistco-o-o-o-o-oats. ♪
121
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All right there, Beef? I like your hat.
122
00:06:02,991 --> 00:06:07,905
Yes, it's made from the melted windscreens
of 17 Range Rovers.
123
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Let's catch a ghost
and win ourselves a chimp.
124
00:06:10,510 --> 00:06:15,947
Ghosts, pitiful wraiths
trapped in suspense
125
00:06:15,989 --> 00:06:18,423
amongst hordes of half-dead jezebels,
126
00:06:18,469 --> 00:06:21,188
clutching newspapers with wooden tits
127
00:06:21,229 --> 00:06:24,106
and cigarettes in the other hand.
128
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I've no idea what I'm talking about.
129
00:06:27,028 --> 00:06:29,303
- You lost your track, yeah?
- I did, I'm afraid, yes.
130
00:06:29,348 --> 00:06:31,815
Well, Beef, what's that
in your belt there?
131
00:06:31,867 --> 00:06:35,064
This is my Sword of Draxos,
would you like to see it in action?
132
00:06:35,107 --> 00:06:35,937
I'd love to, yeah.
133
00:06:39,906 --> 00:06:41,578
It's not, it's a clarinet.
134
00:06:54,184 --> 00:06:58,097
So how exactly do you two
intend to catch this ghost?
135
00:06:58,144 --> 00:07:01,374
Well, I was rather thinking
we might use Vic's rather splendid
136
00:07:01,423 --> 00:07:04,335
quantum transducer detector.
137
00:07:04,383 --> 00:07:06,135
Do you want to have a look at it?
Shall I show you?
138
00:07:06,183 --> 00:07:08,138
- Yeah.
- I've been looking forward to it all day.
139
00:07:08,182 --> 00:07:09,695
Great, yeah, course I can.
140
00:07:09,742 --> 00:07:13,621
Right, well,
so when a ghost is in the area,
141
00:07:13,662 --> 00:07:17,654
this lights up here. And what's
this canister here, I hear you ask.
142
00:07:18,701 --> 00:07:21,215
Oh, what's that canister there, I ask?
143
00:07:21,261 --> 00:07:24,889
Right, good, well, this canister here
contains, erm...
144
00:07:24,940 --> 00:07:26,339
Something funny, is there?
145
00:07:26,380 --> 00:07:28,814
- No.
- No, not at all, no, I'm...
146
00:07:28,860 --> 00:07:31,327
It's a really impressive... Yeah.
147
00:07:32,259 --> 00:07:35,774
Well, this canister here
contains a mixture of...
148
00:07:35,819 --> 00:07:38,457
...talcum pooder and plasma.
149
00:07:38,498 --> 00:07:40,773
Sorry, what was that? Tang vooder?
150
00:07:40,818 --> 00:07:42,809
It was just talcum powder,
but I bought it in Dundee,
151
00:07:42,858 --> 00:07:44,416
so I call it talcum pooder.
152
00:07:44,458 --> 00:07:48,450
Anyway, so it's filled
with talcum pooder and plasma...
153
00:07:48,497 --> 00:07:51,694
What's with the, erm, snakes there?
154
00:07:51,737 --> 00:07:53,249
Well, it's the armbands.
155
00:07:53,296 --> 00:07:56,094
Look, is there something funny about this?
156
00:07:56,136 --> 00:07:58,172
No, l-I think it's a great...
157
00:07:58,216 --> 00:07:59,968
Cos if there is,
you two can more or less eff off.
158
00:08:00,016 --> 00:08:01,334
- Ooh!
- No, carry on, Vic,
159
00:08:01,375 --> 00:08:02,888
- it's fascinating.
- Yeah?
160
00:08:02,935 --> 00:08:04,971
- It's quite a bit of kit, that, innit?
- Yeah.
161
00:08:05,015 --> 00:08:08,927
Right, so anyway, when a ghost
ends up in a nook or a cranny,
162
00:08:08,974 --> 00:08:13,365
I puff a bit of that into it,
the ghost breathes it in...
163
00:08:14,933 --> 00:08:18,208
...comes out for a breath of fresh air,
and I take a photograph of it.
164
00:08:18,252 --> 00:08:19,321
Then...
165
00:08:22,292 --> 00:08:27,570
Then, using this thing here,
I waft it to the custard tin.
166
00:08:27,611 --> 00:08:30,284
- Why a custard tin?
- That's a very good question.
167
00:08:30,331 --> 00:08:31,445
Yeah, will you be answering it?
168
00:08:31,490 --> 00:08:32,718
No.
169
00:08:32,770 --> 00:08:37,207
I waft it into the custard tin
then I take it over to the sink,
170
00:08:37,250 --> 00:08:39,968
turn the tap on,
tip it down the plug, put the plug in,
171
00:08:40,009 --> 00:08:41,442
and there we are.
172
00:08:41,489 --> 00:08:45,527
Hey, presto, the problem's out of
my hands, over to you, Mr Dyno-Rod,
173
00:08:45,568 --> 00:08:48,480
I've secured the photograph of the ghost
174
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:51,725
and the chimp is an inevitanbility.
175
00:08:51,768 --> 00:08:52,883
- A what?
- What is it?
176
00:08:52,927 --> 00:08:55,441
An inevitanbil...
An inevitanbility,
177
00:08:55,487 --> 00:08:57,443
an indevatabil... It's a certainty.
178
00:08:57,487 --> 00:08:58,966
It's a certainty!
179
00:09:00,047 --> 00:09:03,516
Well, Vic, you know, now you've
talked me through the machine,
180
00:09:03,566 --> 00:09:07,798
I've got to say, I reckon this house
is going to remain chimp-free.
181
00:09:07,846 --> 00:09:10,996
All right, lads, what scene
is being played out here?
182
00:09:11,045 --> 00:09:13,081
And have we won that chimp yet?
183
00:09:13,125 --> 00:09:14,604
Cos I've got a job
I need it to do for me.
184
00:09:14,645 --> 00:09:16,714
Look, kids, I hope you have
a really pleasant night
185
00:09:16,764 --> 00:09:20,234
hunting for your ghost, yeah?
But let me make it perfectly clear,
186
00:09:20,284 --> 00:09:23,992
I am not having a chimp living
in this house. No way, end of.
187
00:09:24,043 --> 00:09:26,238
Come on, lads,
I've got a Ouija board set up in here.
188
00:09:26,283 --> 00:09:28,239
Vic, did you hear what I just said?
189
00:09:28,283 --> 00:09:30,842
I heard what you said, Bob,
I took it all on board
190
00:09:30,882 --> 00:09:32,281
and I've dismissed it.
191
00:09:32,322 --> 00:09:34,438
Come on, lads, we've got to take
a photograph of a ghost
192
00:09:34,482 --> 00:09:36,359
- and win ourselves a chimp!
- Whoo!
193
00:09:41,201 --> 00:09:43,351
Right, lads, when we conjure up
the spirit,
194
00:09:43,401 --> 00:09:44,675
who's going to take the photograph of it?
195
00:09:44,721 --> 00:09:45,709
Me.
196
00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:46,954
- Right.
- That's my job.
197
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:48,149
- There's a camera.
- Thank you.
198
00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:49,519
Take your cap off.
199
00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:52,350
Lens cap.
200
00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:55,869
I'm not wearing Len's cap,
I'm not wearing anyone's cap.
201
00:09:55,919 --> 00:09:57,068
The cap on the camera.
202
00:09:57,119 --> 00:09:59,553
Oh, I knew that.
203
00:10:02,438 --> 00:10:03,632
Turn it round.
204
00:10:06,078 --> 00:10:07,397
No, you idiot.
205
00:10:07,438 --> 00:10:09,029
Oh, right, I'm an idiot, am I?
206
00:10:10,077 --> 00:10:12,386
Well, would an idiot
be able to do this?
207
00:10:23,715 --> 00:10:26,593
That's impressive, yeah,
I take it back.
208
00:10:26,635 --> 00:10:27,704
Put the camera on.
209
00:10:27,755 --> 00:10:29,029
Thank you.
210
00:10:42,033 --> 00:10:43,830
Hang on, I want a slice of this action.
211
00:10:48,632 --> 00:10:51,351
Lads, lads, come on, come on, come on.
212
00:10:51,392 --> 00:10:53,029
Do you want to win a chimp?
213
00:10:53,071 --> 00:10:54,345
Yes!
214
00:10:54,391 --> 00:10:56,586
Right, well, come on, let's seance.
215
00:10:56,631 --> 00:10:58,428
'"Ance.'"
216
00:11:02,790 --> 00:11:04,269
Right.
217
00:11:04,310 --> 00:11:07,427
Is anybody there?
218
00:11:09,589 --> 00:11:10,738
Oooh!
219
00:11:11,869 --> 00:11:17,864
Are you a Victorian whore
with a 19th-century price list?
220
00:11:17,908 --> 00:11:22,140
In heaven,
do you get Homes Under The Hammer?
221
00:11:23,827 --> 00:11:26,216
- Are you a carrot?
- Do you get Dickinson's Real Deal?
222
00:11:26,267 --> 00:11:29,339
Look, it's not 20 bloody questions,
you pair of idiots.
223
00:11:29,387 --> 00:11:33,345
Oh, an idiot, you say?
That's really rather interesting.
224
00:11:33,386 --> 00:11:37,095
Would an idiot be able to do this?
225
00:11:43,225 --> 00:11:44,817
Erik?
226
00:11:45,944 --> 00:11:47,980
Hi, Erik. Wow, cool.
227
00:11:48,024 --> 00:11:49,013
Yeah...
228
00:11:49,064 --> 00:11:50,497
...they're having...
229
00:11:50,544 --> 00:11:51,533
They're having a seance down...
230
00:11:51,584 --> 00:11:54,416
They're having a seance downstairs,
and I wondered if I could just...
231
00:11:54,463 --> 00:11:56,419
I wondered if I could...
232
00:11:56,463 --> 00:11:57,976
...if I could come and...
233
00:11:58,023 --> 00:11:59,661
watch your television?
234
00:11:59,703 --> 00:12:00,976
You have to say it faster.
235
00:12:01,022 --> 00:12:02,501
They're having a seance downstairs...
236
00:12:02,542 --> 00:12:05,181
...and I wondered if I could come in
and watch your television?
237
00:12:05,222 --> 00:12:06,541
- Is that a no then?
- Yes.
238
00:12:09,941 --> 00:12:12,933
I know him. He's a liar.
239
00:12:14,701 --> 00:12:17,897
He's not even dead, that's a hoax.
240
00:12:17,940 --> 00:12:19,498
All right, mate, are you with them lot?
241
00:12:19,540 --> 00:12:21,690
Eh? Shut up.
No, I'm a ghost they summoned up.
242
00:12:21,740 --> 00:12:24,492
Yeah, righto, mate,
look, they're through there.
243
00:12:24,539 --> 00:12:27,576
Who is? I'm not with them,
I am a ghost, look.
244
00:12:27,619 --> 00:12:31,975
Oohhhh!
245
00:12:32,018 --> 00:12:34,532
Ooohh!
246
00:12:34,578 --> 00:12:37,570
Ay-oiii-aaayyyy!
247
00:12:37,618 --> 00:12:38,970
That means you're a ghost, does it?
248
00:12:39,017 --> 00:12:40,416
- Yes.
- Yeah, me too then.
249
00:12:40,457 --> 00:12:42,493
Yeahhh-ohhhh!
250
00:12:42,537 --> 00:12:43,856
- Honestly.
- How about this, then?
251
00:12:43,897 --> 00:12:45,569
Ohh...
252
00:12:45,616 --> 00:12:47,572
- What's all that?
- Light, look at the light.
253
00:12:47,616 --> 00:12:49,288
Yeah, you're just turning it
on and off.
254
00:12:49,336 --> 00:12:50,212
No, I'm not! No, I'm not!
255
00:12:50,256 --> 00:12:51,575
Yes, you are.
Well, do it from there then.
256
00:12:51,616 --> 00:12:53,049
And I should do that for you?
257
00:12:53,095 --> 00:12:56,804
I've got a brilliant mind,
look at this. Automatic writing.
258
00:12:56,855 --> 00:12:59,653
- L...
- Oh, don't write on me staircase, mate,
259
00:12:59,695 --> 00:13:01,491
- I'll never get it off.
- What's the matter with you?
260
00:13:01,534 --> 00:13:03,764
It's water based -
that'll come off with a wet wipe.
261
00:13:03,814 --> 00:13:05,133
- Yeah.
- You heard this, lads?
262
00:13:05,174 --> 00:13:08,165
I've got a fella here,
he's got a water-based emulsion
263
00:13:08,213 --> 00:13:10,283
on a high-traffic area.
Yeah, no, the stairwell.
264
00:13:10,333 --> 00:13:12,847
He's not got a what?
You're joking. Where?
265
00:13:12,893 --> 00:13:16,601
He hasn't either. You ain't got
a mat on your threshold.
266
00:13:16,652 --> 00:13:18,882
That's one of the most vulnerable
areas in the entire property!
267
00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:20,763
They're killing themselves laughing
with you up there.
268
00:13:20,812 --> 00:13:23,723
Yeah, well, can you tell them
I am thinking about getting one...
269
00:13:23,771 --> 00:13:26,968
Hang on a minute, old timer,
I've got more, have a look at this.
270
00:13:27,011 --> 00:13:29,002
- Well, it's a bit of magic, is it?
- No, it's supernatural.
271
00:13:29,051 --> 00:13:31,280
- Oh, righty-oh.
- Look at everything.
272
00:13:31,330 --> 00:13:33,161
- Well, I can't look at everything.
- Yeah, well...
273
00:13:34,690 --> 00:13:36,965
Just look at as much as you can.
274
00:13:37,010 --> 00:13:39,204
Well, that's reasonable, yeah,
all right, here I am.
275
00:13:42,608 --> 00:13:45,600
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!
276
00:13:47,287 --> 00:13:49,357
Three, two, one, powerball!
277
00:13:50,447 --> 00:13:51,436
Oh, missed!
278
00:13:51,487 --> 00:13:53,522
- Was that the finale, mate?
- No, I've got one more.
279
00:13:53,566 --> 00:13:56,558
- Oh, no, no...
- Three, two, one, powerball!
280
00:13:59,366 --> 00:14:01,560
Bob, do you mind?
281
00:14:01,605 --> 00:14:03,118
We're trying to summon up
spirits in here.
282
00:14:03,165 --> 00:14:05,599
It's not me, it's that bloke over there.
283
00:14:05,645 --> 00:14:08,442
- What bloke?
- The bloke by the bookcase.
284
00:14:09,564 --> 00:14:12,237
There's no-one there. Now, look,
285
00:14:12,284 --> 00:14:14,434
if you're going to practise
your looking up at the ceiling,
286
00:14:14,484 --> 00:14:16,838
can you do it a bit more quietly, please?
Thank you.
287
00:14:18,123 --> 00:14:20,159
Ah, urgh.
288
00:14:20,203 --> 00:14:22,433
Vic couldn't see you, so you are a ghost?
289
00:14:22,483 --> 00:14:24,040
Yeah, I told you, they summoned me up.
290
00:14:24,082 --> 00:14:25,595
Oh, the wankers!
291
00:14:25,642 --> 00:14:29,794
This is the last day I need
a frickin' ghost in the house.
292
00:14:29,842 --> 00:14:31,433
- No offence, like.
- None taken.
293
00:14:31,481 --> 00:14:34,951
Honestly, you see, the thing is,
if they get a photograph of a ghost,
294
00:14:35,001 --> 00:14:38,390
right, there's a possibility I might
have a chimp living in the house.
295
00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:40,590
- Oh.
- God, could things get any worse?
296
00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:42,119
Well, I think they're about to.
297
00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:46,512
♪ I've just popped in to borrow something
298
00:14:46,559 --> 00:14:48,675
♪ Maybe a pack of sultanas
299
00:14:48,719 --> 00:14:50,710
♪ It's just a ruse, a teeny excuse
300
00:14:50,759 --> 00:14:54,353
♪ To shine a torch on Vic's banana. ♪
301
00:14:55,518 --> 00:14:58,908
- Hiya, Julie.
- Hiya, Bob, how are you? Where's Vic?
302
00:14:58,958 --> 00:15:03,314
He's just through there. Hey, Julie,
can you see that bloke over there?
303
00:15:03,357 --> 00:15:05,825
- Yeah, hi, Martin.
- Hello, Julie.
304
00:15:05,877 --> 00:15:07,515
Martin?
305
00:15:07,557 --> 00:15:11,834
- What, you're Martin?
- Oh, so the penny finally drops.
306
00:15:13,036 --> 00:15:16,505
Hi, guys, what's this,
a game of truth or dare?
307
00:15:16,555 --> 00:15:19,945
- What are you doing, Julie?
- I'm giving you a One Direction.
308
00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:25,064
Look, we're in the middle of
something really important,
309
00:15:25,114 --> 00:15:26,547
as you can see.
310
00:15:31,193 --> 00:15:32,785
So, it would be good for me, mate,
311
00:15:32,833 --> 00:15:34,710
if you could perhaps just nick off,
you know?
312
00:15:34,753 --> 00:15:36,664
Yeah, I can see your problem.
I'll nick off in a minute,
313
00:15:36,713 --> 00:15:38,384
but first of all,
could I have a quick chat?
314
00:15:38,432 --> 00:15:40,309
I've not had a proper man chat
since I died,
315
00:15:40,352 --> 00:15:42,024
so what's your favourite,
shovel or spade?
316
00:15:42,072 --> 00:15:43,983
To be honest, I don't know the difference.
317
00:15:44,032 --> 00:15:45,181
Oh, my God, we've got another one here,
lads.
318
00:15:45,232 --> 00:15:47,222
Shovel is for shovelling,
spade is for digging.
319
00:15:47,271 --> 00:15:48,465
What's your favourite estuary?
320
00:15:48,511 --> 00:15:50,422
- Estuary, I don't know, the Thames?
- Thames?!
321
00:15:50,471 --> 00:15:52,939
Severn! Severn Estuary, it's a pip,
322
00:15:52,991 --> 00:15:55,663
Thames Estuary hasn't got a tidal bore,
has it? Listen to yourself.
323
00:15:55,710 --> 00:15:56,938
You ask me a question now.
324
00:15:56,990 --> 00:15:59,868
OK, erm... Where do you actually live?
325
00:15:59,910 --> 00:16:01,501
Oh, terrible question, awful banter.
326
00:16:01,549 --> 00:16:03,824
All right, I'll try and answer it.
327
00:16:03,869 --> 00:16:06,099
I'm in that, erm, in-between place,
you know,
328
00:16:06,149 --> 00:16:09,504
that halfway house 'twixt heaven
and hell, oh, what's it called?
329
00:16:09,548 --> 00:16:11,778
- Oh, Travelodge?
- Not fucking Travelodge.
330
00:16:11,828 --> 00:16:15,343
Not Travelodge, limbo.
You don't use Travelodges, do you?
331
00:16:15,388 --> 00:16:17,025
- Yeah, sometimes, yeah.
- You're joking, aren't you?
332
00:16:17,067 --> 00:16:19,979
- You can go in a Roadchef, 29 quid!
- All right, forget I mentioned it.
333
00:16:20,027 --> 00:16:21,904
- Don't worry about them lot seeing me.
- Yeah?
334
00:16:21,947 --> 00:16:25,655
I can only be seen by animals, relatives,
and people close to death.
335
00:16:25,706 --> 00:16:28,174
But I'm not a relative, yeah,
I'm not an animal...
336
00:16:28,226 --> 00:16:29,579
What, are you saying I'm going to die?
337
00:16:29,626 --> 00:16:32,059
- I'm afraid so.
- Oh, no, do you know how I die?
338
00:16:41,664 --> 00:16:44,417
All I can say is, it's quick.
339
00:16:44,464 --> 00:16:46,101
Well, that's something, innit?
340
00:16:46,143 --> 00:16:47,974
It's not that quick.
341
00:16:48,903 --> 00:16:53,976
Oh! Ooh, hottie!
Hot, hot! Hot, hot, hottie.
342
00:16:54,022 --> 00:16:57,651
Julie, please, we are trying to
summon up a phantom
343
00:16:57,702 --> 00:17:00,580
so we can take a photograph of it
and win a chimp.
344
00:17:00,622 --> 00:17:03,374
Just use Martin, you silly-billy.
345
00:17:03,421 --> 00:17:06,060
Martin, come through, meet the boys.
346
00:17:06,101 --> 00:17:08,933
Say cheese.
347
00:17:10,940 --> 00:17:12,419
Oh, it's a good one.
348
00:17:14,020 --> 00:17:17,091
What I'm going to do is I'm going
to print these out and file them
349
00:17:17,139 --> 00:17:19,528
in the miniature town hall
where I keep these things,
350
00:17:19,579 --> 00:17:22,651
and I'm going to print out that copy
of Martin for you.
351
00:17:22,699 --> 00:17:24,097
- Whatever!
- OK.
352
00:17:24,138 --> 00:17:27,574
Martin, look at our lovely selfie.
353
00:17:27,618 --> 00:17:29,574
- I'm going to print out a copy for Vic.
- Lovely.
354
00:17:29,618 --> 00:17:31,892
- Ta-ta!
- See you.
355
00:17:31,937 --> 00:17:33,734
Oh, God, she's got a photo.
356
00:17:33,777 --> 00:17:36,166
Oh, yeah, that impacts on you, doesn't it?
357
00:17:36,217 --> 00:17:37,855
Chimp-wise, yeah.
358
00:17:37,897 --> 00:17:40,968
Hey, lads, look,
the quantum particle detector's lit up.
359
00:17:41,016 --> 00:17:43,405
That means that
there's a spectre in the parish.
360
00:17:43,456 --> 00:17:46,208
- Come on, daft lad, help us out.
- All right.
361
00:17:46,255 --> 00:17:47,654
- Get the probe on.
- Yeah.
362
00:17:47,695 --> 00:17:49,253
What's with the snakes, like?
363
00:17:49,295 --> 00:17:51,490
It's the armbands,
what's the matter with you?
364
00:17:51,535 --> 00:17:53,490
Right, come on.
365
00:17:53,534 --> 00:17:54,967
Ooh, can't wait for this.
366
00:17:55,014 --> 00:17:56,447
Yeah, you shush.
367
00:17:56,494 --> 00:17:58,530
Woooh!
368
00:17:58,574 --> 00:18:01,451
Woooh!
369
00:18:01,493 --> 00:18:04,291
Wooooh!
370
00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:05,812
Woooh!
371
00:18:05,853 --> 00:18:07,127
Woooh!
372
00:18:07,173 --> 00:18:08,924
Oh, there, there, there! A ghost, look.
373
00:18:08,972 --> 00:18:13,011
That's not a ghost, you clown,
it's a hard-boiled egg.
374
00:18:13,052 --> 00:18:15,168
But what the probe has done
375
00:18:15,212 --> 00:18:17,930
is located the ghost of an unborn chicken.
376
00:18:17,971 --> 00:18:19,120
Oh, yeah.
377
00:18:19,171 --> 00:18:23,960
Yeah? So can I now confirm that
no-one has a downer on the probe?
378
00:18:24,010 --> 00:18:26,205
- No.
- Eh? Bob?
379
00:18:26,250 --> 00:18:28,969
No, that's a nice bit of kit, Vic,
well done.
380
00:18:29,010 --> 00:18:31,762
I tell you what, Vic, I've got
a feeling, I've got a good feeling
381
00:18:31,809 --> 00:18:34,323
about this area here,
it's got really cold really suddenly.
382
00:18:34,369 --> 00:18:36,121
I think it might be worth checking here
with your probe.
383
00:18:36,169 --> 00:18:37,522
Yeah, I can do that.
384
00:18:37,569 --> 00:18:38,717
Nice one.
385
00:18:38,768 --> 00:18:40,167
Woooh!
386
00:18:40,208 --> 00:18:43,041
Woooh! Woooh!
387
00:18:43,088 --> 00:18:44,316
Woooooh!
388
00:18:44,368 --> 00:18:47,404
You can cordon this area off... Brrr!
389
00:18:47,447 --> 00:18:48,880
...as a no-ghost area.
- Right.
390
00:18:48,927 --> 00:18:52,681
That is a good unit, that, Vic,
whatever anyone says,
391
00:18:52,727 --> 00:18:54,318
that's a neat probe, well done.
392
00:18:54,366 --> 00:18:57,995
Thank you. Do you hear that, lads?
Right, let's carry on.
393
00:18:58,046 --> 00:18:59,957
You see the snakes?
394
00:19:00,006 --> 00:19:01,358
Well, they're armbands, aren't they?
395
00:19:02,765 --> 00:19:05,598
Wooooh!
396
00:19:08,245 --> 00:19:11,918
It's gone berserk, it must be in here,
this is the nest.
397
00:19:11,963 --> 00:19:14,033
- Well, go on, then.
- You get in there.
398
00:19:14,083 --> 00:19:16,915
I'm not going in there, I'm Billy Elliot.
399
00:19:16,962 --> 00:19:18,031
Get in there now.
400
00:19:20,322 --> 00:19:21,960
Go on.
401
00:19:22,002 --> 00:19:23,117
I'll need light.
402
00:19:24,201 --> 00:19:25,190
Whoa!
403
00:19:25,241 --> 00:19:27,311
Whoa, there's a ghost in there.
404
00:19:27,361 --> 00:19:29,511
- What's it look like?
- A proper twat.
405
00:19:30,681 --> 00:19:34,070
Get in and take a picture of it.
Three, two, one...
406
00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:37,158
- Ooh!
- Ah, it's horrible!
407
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:39,508
- It's evil.
- Ooh, it looks like Gary Barlow.
408
00:19:39,559 --> 00:19:42,551
Oh, I know what that is,
it's not a ghost, lads.
409
00:19:42,599 --> 00:19:44,669
- Come on, out the way.
- No, don't go in there, don't go in.
410
00:19:44,719 --> 00:19:46,071
- Don't do it, Bob, you twat.
- It's all right,
411
00:19:46,118 --> 00:19:49,076
it's all right, I know exactly what it is.
412
00:19:49,118 --> 00:19:50,471
Here, look.
413
00:19:51,478 --> 00:19:53,593
- You see?
- I feel a proper charlie.
414
00:19:53,637 --> 00:19:58,267
Yeah, it's just some items
that have fallen in a particular manner
415
00:19:58,317 --> 00:20:00,148
so as to resemble Gary Barlow.
416
00:20:00,197 --> 00:20:03,745
Is he at a concert, or perhaps
judging someone or something?
417
00:20:03,796 --> 00:20:06,185
Simple as that, lads,
that's all it is, it's not a ghost.
418
00:20:06,236 --> 00:20:10,069
All right, all right, now, listen,
I don't want to shift focus,
419
00:20:10,115 --> 00:20:15,906
or undermine your... quantum probe,
but I actually bought one myself.
420
00:20:15,954 --> 00:20:17,433
Ooh.
421
00:20:17,474 --> 00:20:19,669
Didn't know this.
422
00:20:19,714 --> 00:20:24,423
Oh-ho! Oh, Beef,
look at the finish on that.
423
00:20:24,473 --> 00:20:26,748
Wow, did you make that in the workshop?
424
00:20:26,793 --> 00:20:28,306
- That's no concern of yours.
- Wow!
425
00:20:28,353 --> 00:20:29,422
What does it do, Beef?
426
00:20:29,473 --> 00:20:31,940
- Want to see what it does?
- Yeah.
427
00:20:33,192 --> 00:20:34,989
Ooh!
428
00:20:35,032 --> 00:20:37,262
Ooh, did you see that, Vic?
429
00:20:37,312 --> 00:20:39,347
Well, that's what I call a probe, Vic.
430
00:20:39,391 --> 00:20:40,983
All right, well, I tell you what,
431
00:20:41,031 --> 00:20:43,261
we'll forget about my probe, shall we?
432
00:20:43,311 --> 00:20:45,108
- There.
- Oooh!
433
00:20:45,151 --> 00:20:46,629
Can I just have a look at that?
434
00:20:46,670 --> 00:20:48,581
- Ooh!
- Ooh!
435
00:20:48,630 --> 00:20:49,904
Look at that.
436
00:20:53,390 --> 00:20:54,617
Ooh!
437
00:20:54,669 --> 00:20:57,183
How's this conflict
going to resolve itself?
438
00:20:57,229 --> 00:20:59,026
Yeah,
who's going to make the next play?
439
00:20:59,069 --> 00:21:00,058
Let's find out.
440
00:21:00,109 --> 00:21:01,097
Watch!
441
00:21:05,828 --> 00:21:07,307
Whoa!
442
00:21:07,348 --> 00:21:08,746
Poltergeist!
443
00:21:14,467 --> 00:21:16,263
Watch out!
444
00:21:24,265 --> 00:21:26,620
Wow, what just happened then?
445
00:21:26,665 --> 00:21:28,462
In the light of
what just happened then,
446
00:21:28,505 --> 00:21:30,972
let's pull our pants up
really nice and high and tight
447
00:21:31,024 --> 00:21:34,334
and go and check out
this manifestation in here.
448
00:21:35,784 --> 00:21:37,661
- What do you think about that?
- What I think is,
449
00:21:37,704 --> 00:21:39,534
I'll tell you what I think - can you stop
trying to give yourself away, please?
450
00:21:39,583 --> 00:21:41,778
Yeah, all right, never mind that,
451
00:21:41,823 --> 00:21:43,415
which one of them blokes
are you going with?
452
00:21:43,463 --> 00:21:45,897
Eh? What? None of them.
453
00:21:45,943 --> 00:21:48,979
Come on, course you are. Which one's
your boyfriend? Long-haired one?
454
00:21:49,022 --> 00:21:50,819
If I had to choose one, yeah,
the long-haired one, I suppose.
455
00:21:50,862 --> 00:21:52,693
- Let me go and ask him for you.
- No, please, please don't.
456
00:21:52,742 --> 00:21:55,653
- Why not?
- No, you just behave, will you?
457
00:21:56,741 --> 00:22:02,258
Martin? Martin? When am I going to die,
Martin? The photo...
458
00:22:02,300 --> 00:22:03,733
Photo!
459
00:22:07,500 --> 00:22:08,818
Right, I'm gonna regress one of you
460
00:22:08,859 --> 00:22:10,690
and see if you can find the ghost
on your travels. Who's it gonna be?
461
00:22:10,739 --> 00:22:12,172
Me... What is it?
462
00:22:12,219 --> 00:22:14,414
I'm gonna take you back in time
to a previous life.
463
00:22:14,459 --> 00:22:15,778
Go on, get on with it.
464
00:22:15,819 --> 00:22:16,807
- Are you ready?
- Yeah.
465
00:22:16,858 --> 00:22:19,088
Waaaaah!
466
00:22:21,698 --> 00:22:23,416
Who are you, where are you
and what is your rank?
467
00:22:23,458 --> 00:22:26,574
I am at the Battle of Marston Moor,
468
00:22:26,617 --> 00:22:29,256
my name is Edward Longbottom.
469
00:22:29,297 --> 00:22:31,935
Don't, I've heard them all before,
I get it all the time.
470
00:22:31,976 --> 00:22:37,096
Not as bad as my boss,
General Dick Dangles, his life's a misery.
471
00:22:37,136 --> 00:22:39,410
Anyway, the other day I'm walking
through the marsh with Dick
472
00:22:39,455 --> 00:22:41,810
and I tread in some dog dirt,
and he says to me,
473
00:22:41,855 --> 00:22:44,813
'"If you tread that into the tent,
I shall hit the roof.'"
474
00:22:44,855 --> 00:22:47,163
Shut him up, he's boring the tits off me.
475
00:22:47,214 --> 00:22:49,933
Aah! Ooh!
476
00:22:49,974 --> 00:22:54,683
I am Bonor, son of Bollock,
husband of Tittybus,
477
00:22:54,733 --> 00:22:56,610
guardian of the parish pub.
478
00:22:56,653 --> 00:22:58,769
Spare me this Lord Of The Rings shit.
No offence, Vic.
479
00:23:03,772 --> 00:23:05,171
All right, Julie?
480
00:23:05,212 --> 00:23:08,249
Hello, Bob, what a lovely surprise,
isn't it, though?
481
00:23:08,292 --> 00:23:10,566
Isn't it, though?
Hey, look, is Martin about?
482
00:23:10,611 --> 00:23:13,171
It's just he told me earlier
that I was going to die
483
00:23:13,211 --> 00:23:14,769
and I just wanted to see
if he was telling the truth.
484
00:23:14,811 --> 00:23:16,766
Sorry about that, mate, just bullshit.
485
00:23:18,090 --> 00:23:20,399
Oh, well, that's a relief, Julie, innit?
486
00:23:20,450 --> 00:23:22,247
All round, that is a relief.
487
00:23:22,290 --> 00:23:25,486
Julie, the photograph there,
do you see, of Martin and yourself?
488
00:23:25,529 --> 00:23:27,201
- Yeah.
- Could I have a look at that, please?
489
00:23:27,249 --> 00:23:29,160
Yeah, but first I want to ask you
a little question.
490
00:23:29,209 --> 00:23:30,244
Yeah, go on, then.
491
00:23:30,289 --> 00:23:31,767
Do you notice anything different about me?
492
00:23:31,808 --> 00:23:33,958
Erm, no, I don't think so.
493
00:23:34,008 --> 00:23:36,727
Perhaps if I present you
with my silhouette.
494
00:23:38,647 --> 00:23:40,797
No, nothing, nothing at all.
495
00:23:40,847 --> 00:23:44,044
I had my bum plumped up,
you know, like the black girls do,
496
00:23:44,087 --> 00:23:45,236
with a little shelf.
497
00:23:45,287 --> 00:23:48,084
- Oh, right. Oh, I see, yeah.
- Yeah,
498
00:23:48,126 --> 00:23:49,798
I got it done at WH Smith
at the bum department.
499
00:23:49,846 --> 00:23:51,837
Yeah. They don't have
a bum department, Julie.
500
00:23:51,886 --> 00:23:55,321
It's actually a fully functioning shelf.
Just stick something on.
501
00:23:55,365 --> 00:23:57,640
OK, well, I tell you what,
I'll dress it for you.
502
00:23:57,685 --> 00:23:59,038
- Do me up. Dress it for me.
- Yeah.
503
00:23:59,085 --> 00:24:00,518
Make me look pretty.
504
00:24:00,565 --> 00:24:02,361
What have you chosen? Not the bonsai?
505
00:24:02,404 --> 00:24:04,156
- Yeah.
- You're crazy!
506
00:24:04,204 --> 00:24:06,593
But you said you wanted it pretty.
507
00:24:06,644 --> 00:24:08,759
Are you ready? Is it on?
508
00:24:08,803 --> 00:24:10,236
- Yeah.
- Is it good to go?
509
00:24:10,283 --> 00:24:11,352
It's good to go, go.
510
00:24:11,403 --> 00:24:12,916
Check it out!
511
00:24:12,963 --> 00:24:15,079
- Wow.
- Check it out.
512
00:24:15,123 --> 00:24:17,272
It's an actual working shelf, Julie.
513
00:24:17,322 --> 00:24:19,552
- Goodbye, handbag.
- Yeah.
514
00:24:19,602 --> 00:24:22,162
- I'm really happy with it.
- I'm really pleased for you.
515
00:24:22,202 --> 00:24:24,874
Look, Julie, you know that photograph?
516
00:24:24,921 --> 00:24:27,913
Vic has asked me
if I can come and fetch it for him,
517
00:24:27,961 --> 00:24:29,110
so could I take it, please?
518
00:24:29,161 --> 00:24:31,116
Yes, but only if you do
one thing for me in return.
519
00:24:31,160 --> 00:24:33,799
Ooh, ouch, yeah, what is it?
520
00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:37,037
Well, what I want you to do
is pull up beside me,
521
00:24:37,080 --> 00:24:38,910
wind your window down
and ask me for directions.
522
00:24:38,959 --> 00:24:40,994
What, like so I'm driving a car, yeah?
523
00:24:41,038 --> 00:24:42,710
- Like you're in a car.
- OK, here goes.
524
00:24:42,758 --> 00:24:45,147
- I'm waiting for the bus.
- Vrrrr-oooom.
525
00:24:47,557 --> 00:24:49,707
Hey, excuse me there,
I can see you're busy,
526
00:24:49,757 --> 00:24:52,112
but could you give me directions
to the library, please?
527
00:24:52,157 --> 00:24:55,193
I'm so sorry, I'm not from round here.
528
00:25:01,036 --> 00:25:03,026
Oh, it gets them every time.
529
00:25:03,075 --> 00:25:05,430
- Go on, take the picture.
- I can take the picture?
530
00:25:05,475 --> 00:25:07,591
- Yeah, you can take it.
- Thanks, Julie.
531
00:25:07,635 --> 00:25:09,670
- Thank you.
- OK, bye, Bob!
532
00:25:09,714 --> 00:25:11,989
- See you, Julie.
- Oh, tosser.
533
00:25:13,234 --> 00:25:17,943
Look, you've regressed him too far,
you fool. Cro-Magnon Man.
534
00:25:17,993 --> 00:25:21,269
What is laminate wood flooring?
535
00:25:22,553 --> 00:25:24,463
Ugh, woman!
536
00:25:24,512 --> 00:25:27,151
No, no, no, I'm just a tobacconist.
537
00:25:27,192 --> 00:25:28,864
Me want woman.
538
00:25:28,912 --> 00:25:31,266
Strike him before he gets wind
of our backsides.
539
00:25:33,711 --> 00:25:36,703
Oh! Ah, bloody hell.
540
00:25:36,751 --> 00:25:39,548
Well? Did it work?
541
00:25:39,590 --> 00:25:40,579
No, it didn't work.
542
00:25:42,590 --> 00:25:44,182
No ghost...
543
00:25:44,230 --> 00:25:46,265
- No photo.
- No chimp.
544
00:25:47,389 --> 00:25:48,424
All right, lads?
545
00:25:48,469 --> 00:25:50,300
Twat.
546
00:25:50,349 --> 00:25:51,987
What's the matter with you lot?
547
00:25:52,029 --> 00:25:54,019
What's the matter?
I'll tell you what's the matter.
548
00:25:54,068 --> 00:25:58,220
We had a dream, a dream to own
a chimp at our beck and call,
549
00:25:58,268 --> 00:26:01,179
and now that dream's in tatters.
550
00:26:01,227 --> 00:26:04,776
And like Icarus, we tried to fly
too high to kiss the moon.
551
00:26:04,827 --> 00:26:08,661
I mean, come on, lads,
life goes on, you know?
552
00:26:08,706 --> 00:26:11,664
No, life doesn't go on, life without
a chimp's no life for me,
553
00:26:11,706 --> 00:26:12,741
I wish I was dead.
554
00:26:12,786 --> 00:26:14,458
- Me too.
- Me too.
555
00:26:15,986 --> 00:26:19,864
All right. Hey, Vic, here, I've got
something for you, there you are.
556
00:26:21,625 --> 00:26:23,377
- Aaaaah!
- Ahhh!
557
00:26:24,624 --> 00:26:28,333
It's a picture of a ghost,
we will get that chimp.
558
00:26:28,384 --> 00:26:32,774
Bob, you big, beautiful bastard!
559
00:26:32,823 --> 00:26:36,862
Bob, I always thought
you were a major league asshole.
560
00:26:36,903 --> 00:26:40,292
But you're not,
you're a real stand-up guy.
561
00:26:45,862 --> 00:26:49,774
Here it is, folks, it's the letter
from Ghost Huntermagazine.
562
00:26:51,141 --> 00:26:53,779
I think you all know what this is.
563
00:26:55,540 --> 00:26:56,529
Are you ready?
564
00:26:56,580 --> 00:26:57,854
- Yeah.
- Yes.
565
00:26:57,900 --> 00:26:59,970
'"Thank you for entering
our recent photo competition... '"
566
00:27:00,020 --> 00:27:01,532
- Come on.
- So, yeah, all right!
567
00:27:01,579 --> 00:27:04,252
'"...We are pleased to inform you
that your photograph of the ghost,
568
00:27:04,299 --> 00:27:05,937
'"Martin Cooper, has won... '"
569
00:27:05,979 --> 00:27:08,049
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
570
00:27:09,138 --> 00:27:13,609
'"...third prize,
a day out with Andy Barker.'"
571
00:27:14,858 --> 00:27:16,211
Come in!
572
00:27:16,257 --> 00:27:19,806
Hi, I'm Andy Barker,
and this is my bicycle,
573
00:27:19,857 --> 00:27:22,007
and I'm going to blow your minds!
574
00:27:23,257 --> 00:27:26,692
Who the hell are you?
Sue Barker's husband?
575
00:27:26,736 --> 00:27:28,567
No, I'm Linda Barker's brother.
576
00:27:30,096 --> 00:27:34,930
Hang on. Yeah, I'm just going to
have to use your toilet, sorry.
577
00:27:34,975 --> 00:27:37,648
What a shit prize,
why didn't we get the chimp?
578
00:27:37,695 --> 00:27:40,606
- I don't know.
- There's no easy way in saying this,
579
00:27:40,654 --> 00:27:44,283
is there going to be lots
and lots and lots of toilet paper?
580
00:27:44,334 --> 00:27:46,801
- Just use the curtain.
- Curtain.
581
00:27:46,853 --> 00:27:48,923
Oh, people, get him a bog roll, come on.
582
00:27:48,973 --> 00:27:50,645
No, this is why we need a chimp.
583
00:27:50,693 --> 00:27:54,480
Yeah. Hang on a minute, got an idea.
584
00:27:57,092 --> 00:28:00,721
Take man toilet paper, you savage brute.
585
00:28:00,772 --> 00:28:02,443
What is toilet paper?
586
00:28:02,491 --> 00:28:04,004
Find me an African woman.
587
00:28:04,051 --> 00:28:05,370
What is the...
588
00:28:05,411 --> 00:28:07,800
... African woman?
589
00:28:07,851 --> 00:28:10,922
Yeah, and go and get me some strawberries.
590
00:28:10,970 --> 00:28:12,767
Strawberries, I know.
591
00:28:12,810 --> 00:28:14,368
And while you're at it,
I've got a Barnaby Rudge
592
00:28:14,410 --> 00:28:17,003
that needs buffing, you monstrosity.
593
00:28:17,049 --> 00:28:18,482
Oooh!
594
00:28:20,009 --> 00:28:22,159
♪ Didn't we have a lovely day
595
00:28:22,209 --> 00:28:24,676
♪ The day we created an ape slave
596
00:28:24,728 --> 00:28:26,002
♪ So what happens next?
597
00:28:26,048 --> 00:28:27,003
♪ We get on our knees
598
00:28:27,048 --> 00:28:29,482
♪ And worship this
full-fat Turkish cheese... ♪
599
00:28:29,528 --> 00:28:31,166
Ooh!
600
00:28:43,686 --> 00:28:45,085
Thank you.
601
00:28:54,404 --> 00:28:55,803
All right!
602
00:28:55,844 --> 00:28:56,833
Thank you.