00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:08,003 --> 00:00:10,831 - Synced and corrected by VitoSilans - -- www.MY-SUBS.com -- 2 00:00:10,833 --> 00:00:14,184 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 3 00:00:14,292 --> 00:00:18,042 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 4 00:00:18,045 --> 00:00:21,831 ♪ This show will wreck your evening Your whole life and your day ♪ 5 00:00:21,833 --> 00:00:24,623 ♪ Every single episode Is nothing but dismay ♪ 6 00:00:24,625 --> 00:00:29,750 ♪ So look away Look away, look away ♪ 7 00:00:30,542 --> 00:00:33,873 ♪ At school the Baudelaires are forced To live in an old shack ♪ 8 00:00:33,875 --> 00:00:37,515 ♪ Comfort, joy and safety Are among the things they lack ♪ 9 00:00:37,518 --> 00:00:40,915 ♪ They run a lot of laps Which keeps them in fantastic shape ♪ 10 00:00:40,917 --> 00:00:45,101 ♪ But you're the one who ought to take This chance for an escape ♪ 11 00:00:45,104 --> 00:00:49,602 ♪ Just look away, look away ♪ 12 00:00:49,605 --> 00:00:53,331 ♪ There's nothing but horror And inconvenience on the way ♪ 13 00:00:53,333 --> 00:00:56,623 ♪ Ask any stable person "Should I watch?" And they will say ♪ 14 00:00:56,625 --> 00:01:01,415 ♪ Look away, look away, look away ♪ 15 00:01:01,417 --> 00:01:04,914 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 16 00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:08,523 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 17 00:01:08,585 --> 00:01:12,156 ♪ Look away, look away ♪ 18 00:01:18,042 --> 00:01:21,542 _ 19 00:01:21,542 --> 00:01:24,167 _ 20 00:01:38,125 --> 00:01:39,875 You probably shouldn't be here. 21 00:01:42,625 --> 00:01:46,373 This is a secret passageway in a restricted area 22 00:01:46,375 --> 00:01:50,708 about one third of the way through a dreadful and upsetting story. 23 00:01:54,958 --> 00:01:56,581 My name is Lemony Snicket. 24 00:01:56,583 --> 00:02:00,304 If you've been following the story as closely as some people have, 25 00:02:00,307 --> 00:02:02,758 then you know that nobody should be here. 26 00:02:04,208 --> 00:02:07,373 'Cause everything about the Baudelaires' situation 27 00:02:07,375 --> 00:02:08,804 is horrible to contemplate. 28 00:02:10,046 --> 00:02:12,093 Everything about the Baudelaires' situation 29 00:02:12,096 --> 00:02:14,719 is delightful to contemplate, Mr. Tamerlane. 30 00:02:14,722 --> 00:02:17,117 If you're interested in stories with a happy ending, 31 00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:19,335 - you've come to the right place. - Mm-hmm. 32 00:02:19,338 --> 00:02:22,711 Not only is there a happy ending, there's a happy beginning 33 00:02:22,714 --> 00:02:25,540 and all sorts of happy things in the middle. 34 00:02:25,542 --> 00:02:29,257 It's delightful and educational and it's appropriate for families, 35 00:02:29,260 --> 00:02:32,341 a phrase here which means "delightful and educational..." 36 00:02:32,344 --> 00:02:36,009 It features the three luckiest children, who are darling and precocious, 37 00:02:36,012 --> 00:02:38,115 and have only cheerful things happen to them. 38 00:02:38,118 --> 00:02:42,158 It's called A Pony Party, and I can't put it down, Mr. Tamerlane. 39 00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:44,074 Poe, are you there? 40 00:02:44,076 --> 00:02:47,241 - Focus, Poe. What about the Baudelaires? - Ah, yes, the Baudelaires. 41 00:02:47,243 --> 00:02:50,241 - Put down the book. - I'll put this down. 42 00:02:50,243 --> 00:02:53,116 Surely, as you recall, from the moment I told the Baudelaires 43 00:02:53,118 --> 00:02:55,199 their parents perished in a terrible fire, 44 00:02:55,201 --> 00:02:59,658 they've had exciting adventures in all sorts of exotic locales. 45 00:02:59,660 --> 00:03:02,473 From a house full of snakes in the middle of nowhere, 46 00:03:02,476 --> 00:03:05,366 to a lake full of leeches in the middle of hurricane season, 47 00:03:05,368 --> 00:03:07,866 and for complicated reasons, a lumber mill. 48 00:03:07,868 --> 00:03:10,241 It's unclear why none of the guardians worked out. 49 00:03:12,701 --> 00:03:14,658 The orphans are obsessed with the idea 50 00:03:14,660 --> 00:03:17,491 that an actor named Count Olaf is obsessed with them, 51 00:03:17,493 --> 00:03:19,333 but they can never agree on what he looks like. 52 00:03:20,785 --> 00:03:23,343 I'm unstoppable! 53 00:03:23,346 --> 00:03:24,969 I dropped them off at boarding school, 54 00:03:24,972 --> 00:03:26,780 where they'll receive the best education 55 00:03:26,783 --> 00:03:28,323 a heavily reduced tuition can buy. 56 00:03:28,326 --> 00:03:30,824 They're the second set of wealthy orphans I've enrolled there. 57 00:03:30,826 --> 00:03:32,283 I'm sure there's no connection. 58 00:03:32,285 --> 00:03:34,949 With the Baudelaires safe at Prufrock Preparatory School, 59 00:03:34,951 --> 00:03:37,991 I can assure you this bank's troubles are finally over. 60 00:03:37,993 --> 00:03:41,368 - Prufrock Preparatory School? - Yes, that's the name I just said. 61 00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:48,783 - Jacquelyn? It's my secretary. - Poe? 62 00:03:48,785 --> 00:03:51,158 She must be taking another unplanned sabbatical 63 00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:52,699 she swears I've authorized. 64 00:03:52,701 --> 00:03:53,616 What a moron. 65 00:03:53,618 --> 00:03:56,993 Yes, it is hard to find good help, Mr. Tamerlane. 66 00:04:09,576 --> 00:04:12,074 I feel like we've been sitting on this bench for months. 67 00:04:12,076 --> 00:04:13,366 We've been waiting so long, 68 00:04:13,368 --> 00:04:16,074 Sunny's starting to look less like a baby and more like a toddler. 69 00:04:16,076 --> 00:04:17,761 _ 70 00:04:17,764 --> 00:04:20,012 We've been tormented by treachery and villainy. 71 00:04:20,015 --> 00:04:23,533 - Child labor and leeches. - And now, a new school. 72 00:04:23,535 --> 00:04:26,241 Well, the new school hasn't tormented us yet. 73 00:04:26,243 --> 00:04:28,366 Hello, cake-sniffers! 74 00:04:28,368 --> 00:04:30,616 - Hello, um... - "Um..." 75 00:04:30,618 --> 00:04:34,335 Are you a blithering idiot? Everyone knows I'm Carmelita Spats. 76 00:04:34,338 --> 00:04:37,366 I'm Violet Baudelaire, and these are my siblings Klaus and Sunny. 77 00:04:37,368 --> 00:04:38,658 What does "cake-sniffer" mean? 78 00:04:38,660 --> 00:04:40,241 It means you're stupid cake-sniffers, 79 00:04:40,243 --> 00:04:42,783 but I'm the most special girl in the whole school. 80 00:04:42,785 --> 00:04:44,491 I'm supposed to give you a tour. 81 00:04:44,493 --> 00:04:48,539 This is Vice Principal Nero's office. He's a genius. He likes me best. 82 00:04:48,542 --> 00:04:52,209 I don't have to wear a uniform 'cause I'm too adorable. Come on. 83 00:04:53,535 --> 00:04:55,497 A school should be a safe place. 84 00:04:55,500 --> 00:04:59,033 Brand new season to explore the mysteries around you. 85 00:04:59,035 --> 00:05:00,201 Come on, cake-sniffers. 86 00:05:00,993 --> 00:05:03,493 I don't think it's a compliment. 87 00:05:04,868 --> 00:05:06,866 It should be a place to make new friends. 88 00:05:06,868 --> 00:05:09,991 I feel like we've been sitting on this bench for months. 89 00:05:09,993 --> 00:05:14,658 It should be a place of comfort and adventure that feels almost like home, 90 00:05:14,660 --> 00:05:18,326 particularly if your actual home has been destroyed in a fire. 91 00:05:19,118 --> 00:05:22,910 But as you and I know, school is hardly ever like that. 92 00:05:24,451 --> 00:05:27,491 - People are looking at us. - Probably because we're new. 93 00:05:27,493 --> 00:05:29,868 It's because your home was destroyed in a fire. 94 00:05:31,576 --> 00:05:33,283 Like this classroom, 95 00:05:33,285 --> 00:05:36,890 the lives of the Baudelaire orphans may appear to be more or less harmless. 96 00:05:39,076 --> 00:05:40,533 But if you insist on watching, 97 00:05:40,535 --> 00:05:43,533 you should know the motto of Prufrock Preparatory School. 98 00:05:43,535 --> 00:05:47,408 Like many mottoes, it can be found on a variety of surfaces, 99 00:05:47,410 --> 00:05:50,491 from a banner in the school auditorium, 100 00:05:50,493 --> 00:05:53,116 to the scoreboard of the athletic field. 101 00:05:53,118 --> 00:05:55,991 This is the athletic field. Our gym teacher's coaching an away game, 102 00:05:55,993 --> 00:05:59,449 so I get to make people do jumping jacks whenever I want. 103 00:05:59,451 --> 00:06:00,616 "Memento mori." 104 00:06:00,618 --> 00:06:02,408 When you learn what it means, 105 00:06:02,410 --> 00:06:05,243 you will understand why this story can have no happy ending, 106 00:06:06,285 --> 00:06:08,949 the way no story has a happy ending. 107 00:06:08,951 --> 00:06:10,910 What does "memento mori" mean? 108 00:06:14,701 --> 00:06:16,368 Remember, you will die. 109 00:06:19,993 --> 00:06:22,741 Larry, thank you for meeting me on such short notice. 110 00:06:22,743 --> 00:06:23,991 That's a handsome wet suit. 111 00:06:23,993 --> 00:06:27,658 I enjoy scuba diving in the off-season. What's the mission? 112 00:06:27,661 --> 00:06:29,590 You take this to the Baudelaires. 113 00:06:29,593 --> 00:06:32,074 It's been annotated with answers to all their questions. 114 00:06:32,076 --> 00:06:35,783 They'll finally learn everything about our secret organization. 115 00:06:35,785 --> 00:06:39,201 But only if you get it to them. You can find them at this location. 116 00:06:41,388 --> 00:06:44,093 - Oh. - You've heard of Prufrock Preparatory? 117 00:06:44,096 --> 00:06:45,449 I attended it. 118 00:06:45,451 --> 00:06:48,658 This trip is more than a crucial mission for a secret organization. 119 00:06:48,661 --> 00:06:50,987 - It's a homecoming. - Good luck with that. 120 00:06:50,990 --> 00:06:54,796 Prufrock Preparatory School... 121 00:06:55,868 --> 00:06:58,783 Well, well, well. 122 00:06:58,785 --> 00:07:00,991 Remember, you will die. 123 00:07:00,993 --> 00:07:03,491 When you die, you won't think of your family. 124 00:07:03,493 --> 00:07:05,699 You won't think of your friends or your career, 125 00:07:05,701 --> 00:07:08,824 or the way the land looks when sun sets behind the mountains. 126 00:07:08,826 --> 00:07:12,658 You'll think of the day we beat another team at sports! 127 00:07:12,660 --> 00:07:15,324 Prufrock! Prufrock! Prufrock! 128 00:07:15,326 --> 00:07:18,451 - Prufrock! Prufrock! - There's somebody in the road. 129 00:07:26,326 --> 00:07:28,658 Hi. Uh, my catering truck broke down, 130 00:07:28,660 --> 00:07:31,285 and I need to get to Prufrock Preparatory School right away. 131 00:07:36,243 --> 00:07:38,449 I see you brought something to read. 132 00:07:38,451 --> 00:07:41,283 - I never travel without a book. - Nerd. 133 00:07:41,285 --> 00:07:44,741 Now where were we? Right, the complete annihilation of... 134 00:07:46,993 --> 00:07:48,160 We must've blown a tire. 135 00:07:49,118 --> 00:07:52,866 I can fix it. I was Coach of the Year, Berlin, '39. 136 00:07:52,868 --> 00:07:53,908 I'll be back. 137 00:07:56,451 --> 00:07:58,199 Is that a hook? 138 00:07:58,201 --> 00:08:00,991 It certainly is. 139 00:08:00,993 --> 00:08:02,201 I'll take that back now. 140 00:08:04,118 --> 00:08:08,699 What will happen to those members of the pep squad you threw off the bus? 141 00:08:08,701 --> 00:08:11,093 - That gym teacher was crying. - So was the driver. 142 00:08:11,096 --> 00:08:14,573 Ah. That touchy-feely nonsense would never have been tolerated 143 00:08:14,576 --> 00:08:16,407 when I went to Prufrock Prep. 144 00:08:16,410 --> 00:08:19,324 Oh, you attended Prufrock Preparatory? I'm impressed. 145 00:08:19,326 --> 00:08:23,658 You should be. My IQ has been measured in the upper double digits. 146 00:08:23,660 --> 00:08:27,783 This trip is more than just a chance to seize three children 147 00:08:27,785 --> 00:08:29,785 and also their enormous fortune. 148 00:08:31,535 --> 00:08:34,993 It's a homecoming. 149 00:08:39,035 --> 00:08:41,824 I don't know what that building is. I never go in there. 150 00:08:41,826 --> 00:08:43,616 It says, "library." 151 00:08:43,618 --> 00:08:46,074 Only a cake-sniffer would notice something like that. 152 00:08:46,076 --> 00:08:48,076 It's very clearly designated. 153 00:08:49,057 --> 00:08:53,699 Oh! Hello. You must be the new students I've heard so much about. 154 00:08:53,701 --> 00:08:55,785 The Baudelaires, right? 155 00:08:56,493 --> 00:09:00,783 You shouldn't talk to the library lady, because she smells funny. 156 00:09:00,785 --> 00:09:03,243 Carmelita, always a pleasure. 157 00:09:07,035 --> 00:09:09,866 A library is an island in a vast sea of ignorance. 158 00:09:09,868 --> 00:09:11,896 Particularly if that library is tall and 159 00:09:11,899 --> 00:09:13,827 the surrounding area has been flooded. 160 00:09:17,076 --> 00:09:18,451 Let's go! 161 00:09:19,618 --> 00:09:20,716 Well... 162 00:09:26,036 --> 00:09:27,201 come visit. 163 00:09:40,868 --> 00:09:42,824 Here's Vice Principal Nero's office, 164 00:09:42,826 --> 00:09:45,824 where you were supposed to be ten minutes ago. You're late. 165 00:09:45,826 --> 00:09:46,949 Ahem. 166 00:09:46,951 --> 00:09:48,451 - Ahem? - Ahem. 167 00:09:49,450 --> 00:09:51,865 - Thank you? - Thank you's not enough. 168 00:09:51,868 --> 00:09:55,158 It is traditional to give a special tour guide a tip at the end. 169 00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:56,241 A tip? 170 00:09:56,243 --> 00:10:00,116 Yes, a tip! Are you deaf and blind, cake-sniffer? 171 00:10:00,118 --> 00:10:03,991 Who dares to interrupt a genius when he's rehearsing? 172 00:10:03,993 --> 00:10:07,449 It's the Baudelaires. They're late for their appointment. 173 00:10:07,451 --> 00:10:09,824 How dare you be late! 174 00:10:09,826 --> 00:10:14,199 Thank you, Carmelita, for telling me. Oh, that's a nice broach, by the way. 175 00:10:14,201 --> 00:10:16,910 - The original owner really liked it. - Oh. 176 00:10:17,618 --> 00:10:19,533 Whoo! 177 00:10:19,535 --> 00:10:22,411 What a lovely girl. Sweet as a butterscotch buttercup. 178 00:10:22,414 --> 00:10:23,910 She has two living parents. 179 00:10:27,118 --> 00:10:29,243 Well, come in. I don't have all afternoon. 180 00:10:43,326 --> 00:10:44,505 How do you do? 181 00:11:09,493 --> 00:11:11,408 When you hear an incredible performance, 182 00:11:11,410 --> 00:11:15,076 it's tradition to clap and cheer and yell "Bravo!" 183 00:11:16,993 --> 00:11:18,743 - Yay! - Mmm, bravo. 184 00:11:19,576 --> 00:11:21,743 Thank you. Thank you very much. 185 00:11:22,868 --> 00:11:25,291 And welcome, new students. 186 00:11:25,294 --> 00:11:27,576 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 187 00:11:28,285 --> 00:11:30,771 My name is Vice Principal Nero, and my second-highest concern 188 00:11:30,774 --> 00:11:34,491 is that you uphold the strict standards here at Prufrock. 189 00:11:34,493 --> 00:11:35,991 What's your first-highest concern? 190 00:11:35,993 --> 00:11:37,658 My career as a violinist. 191 00:11:37,660 --> 00:11:39,199 I know all about you. 192 00:11:39,208 --> 00:11:42,903 You've been to guardian after guardian, and adversity has always followed. 193 00:11:42,906 --> 00:11:44,949 Adversity means "trouble," by the way. 194 00:11:44,951 --> 00:11:46,790 In our case, adversity means Count Olaf. 195 00:11:46,793 --> 00:11:48,449 He was the cause of all our trouble. 196 00:11:48,451 --> 00:11:50,658 Here at Prufrock Preparatory School, 197 00:11:50,660 --> 00:11:54,493 there'll be no blaming your own weaknesses on this Count Olaf person. 198 00:11:58,618 --> 00:12:01,449 This is an advanced computer system. Cost an arm and a leg. 199 00:12:01,451 --> 00:12:05,991 But I had the AV club program it to recognize the hallmarks of Count Olaf. 200 00:12:05,993 --> 00:12:08,073 One eyebrow, tattoo on ankle. 201 00:12:10,785 --> 00:12:13,449 This is not Count Olaf. 202 00:12:13,451 --> 00:12:15,616 We'll park it outside the school all semester, 203 00:12:15,618 --> 00:12:16,866 and you'll be safe as peas. 204 00:12:16,869 --> 00:12:17,890 _ 205 00:12:17,893 --> 00:12:20,699 I'm not sure an advanced computer will do us much good. 206 00:12:20,701 --> 00:12:23,366 - Olaf is usually in disguise... - Oh, I shouldn't have bothered. 207 00:12:23,368 --> 00:12:25,991 No way ordinary orphans can understand a genius like me. 208 00:12:25,993 --> 00:12:28,618 Prufrock Prep will take care of that. 209 00:12:29,284 --> 00:12:33,234 Prufrock Preparatory has a magnificent dormitory 210 00:12:33,237 --> 00:12:37,326 thanks to a generous grant from our founder, Sir Barrymore Feint. 211 00:12:41,659 --> 00:12:46,240 Inside, there is a huge living room and an ornate cage full of tropical birds 212 00:12:46,243 --> 00:12:48,432 who can land on your finger and learn your name. 213 00:12:48,435 --> 00:12:50,783 - Doesn't it look nice? - It looks more than nice. 214 00:12:50,785 --> 00:12:53,533 It looks better than any place we've lived in a long time. 215 00:12:53,536 --> 00:12:58,635 Oh, I'm so glad to hear you say that, although you won't get to see it much. 216 00:12:58,638 --> 00:13:00,283 In order to live in the dormitory, 217 00:13:00,285 --> 00:13:03,324 you must have a permission slip signed by a parent or a guardian, 218 00:13:03,326 --> 00:13:04,616 and your parents are dead. 219 00:13:04,618 --> 00:13:07,490 Mr. Poe tells me your guardians have either been killed or fired you. 220 00:13:07,493 --> 00:13:08,991 Surely Mr. Poe could sign. 221 00:13:08,993 --> 00:13:11,408 "Surely Mr. Poe could sign." He could not. 222 00:13:11,410 --> 00:13:14,158 He is neither your parent nor your guardian. He works at a bank. 223 00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:19,427 I'm afraid that you'll have to live in a small tin shack. 224 00:13:20,758 --> 00:13:23,008 Oh, it's a dismal place. 225 00:13:23,701 --> 00:13:27,658 You'll stay there until we get a new set of orphans. 226 00:13:27,660 --> 00:13:31,199 And then you'll be upgraded to a broom closet. 227 00:13:31,201 --> 00:13:33,783 Why can't you change the rule so everyone lives in a dorm? 228 00:13:33,785 --> 00:13:37,160 "Why can't you change the rule so everyone lives in a dorm?" 229 00:13:40,618 --> 00:13:41,576 I don't want to. 230 00:13:42,410 --> 00:13:46,616 Speaking of rules, if either of you are late to your classes, 231 00:13:46,618 --> 00:13:49,574 your hands will be tied behind your back during meals 232 00:13:49,576 --> 00:13:52,408 and you'll have to lean down and eat your food like a dog. 233 00:13:52,410 --> 00:13:55,991 Violet, you will be studying with Mr. Remora in room one, 234 00:13:55,993 --> 00:13:59,283 and Klaus, you will be with Mrs. Bass in room two, 235 00:13:59,285 --> 00:14:01,616 which is easy to remember if you think of Tu B'Shevat, 236 00:14:01,618 --> 00:14:03,243 the Jewish equivalent of Arbor Day. 237 00:14:04,660 --> 00:14:06,241 Thank you. I'll remember. 238 00:14:06,243 --> 00:14:07,574 Which classroom is Sunny's? 239 00:14:07,576 --> 00:14:10,699 I told Mr. Poe that we would have room for a baby here, 240 00:14:10,701 --> 00:14:12,076 but not in a classroom. 241 00:14:13,076 --> 00:14:15,699 I've always wanted an administrative assistant, 242 00:14:15,701 --> 00:14:17,535 but there was never a budget for it. 243 00:14:18,368 --> 00:14:19,535 Now, I have Sunny. 244 00:14:21,076 --> 00:14:22,326 Off to your shack! 245 00:14:23,451 --> 00:14:26,410 Genius needs his rehearsal time. Go, go. 246 00:14:32,743 --> 00:14:34,201 What now? 247 00:14:35,910 --> 00:14:37,243 Children! 248 00:14:38,535 --> 00:14:41,199 Vice Principal Nero, you said you wanted to see us? 249 00:14:41,201 --> 00:14:43,116 We've been waiting for a really long time. 250 00:14:43,118 --> 00:14:45,201 Come in, come in, come in. 251 00:14:46,285 --> 00:14:50,910 So, orphans, how would you like to move into a broom closet? 252 00:14:58,035 --> 00:15:01,074 This place has hardly changed since I was expelled. 253 00:15:01,076 --> 00:15:03,199 What do you want us to do with the stuff on the bus? 254 00:15:03,201 --> 00:15:04,658 We may have use for it. 255 00:15:04,660 --> 00:15:07,408 Matriculating into Prufrock Prep won't be easy. 256 00:15:07,410 --> 00:15:10,824 I was quite the disciplinary problem during my semester and a half. 257 00:15:10,826 --> 00:15:13,824 You think they'll recognize you and they're still mad? 258 00:15:13,826 --> 00:15:15,410 Why wouldn't they be? 259 00:15:18,035 --> 00:15:19,910 Nothing. No reason. 260 00:15:20,660 --> 00:15:23,618 It was just... It was a long time... 261 00:15:26,451 --> 00:15:28,324 - Let's see what we got. - Let's. 262 00:15:28,326 --> 00:15:30,783 - Mascot costume, front half. - Good. 263 00:15:30,785 --> 00:15:33,158 - Mascot costume, back half. - Better. 264 00:15:33,160 --> 00:15:35,908 - Thirty-two hot dogs, 31 hot dog buns. - Intriguing. 265 00:15:35,910 --> 00:15:38,616 A variety of pennants, cheerleader uniforms, sweaty clothes, 266 00:15:38,618 --> 00:15:40,824 Hula-Hoops and one school banner. 267 00:15:40,826 --> 00:15:42,535 - Okay. - That's everything. 268 00:15:44,660 --> 00:15:46,282 That... 269 00:15:46,285 --> 00:15:50,533 We are going to hatch a complicated plot, and these are our raw materials? 270 00:15:50,535 --> 00:15:52,993 The hot dogs are actually precooked. 271 00:15:53,951 --> 00:15:57,035 Must I do everything myself? 272 00:16:00,951 --> 00:16:02,910 I know you're hiding somewhere. 273 00:16:20,493 --> 00:16:24,618 Well, well. What do we have here? 274 00:16:26,826 --> 00:16:29,449 - You told me you got everything. - We did. 275 00:16:29,451 --> 00:16:31,743 Then explain that... 276 00:16:32,785 --> 00:16:34,118 to these! 277 00:16:48,910 --> 00:16:51,866 Let's move out. Curses! 278 00:16:51,868 --> 00:16:54,074 This is not Count Olaf. 279 00:16:54,076 --> 00:16:56,033 This is going to be harder than I thought. 280 00:16:56,035 --> 00:16:57,074 What do we do? 281 00:16:57,076 --> 00:16:59,116 The same thing that got me through eighth grade. 282 00:16:59,118 --> 00:17:00,826 Find a safe place to hide. 283 00:17:07,660 --> 00:17:08,991 Vice Principal Nero? 284 00:17:08,993 --> 00:17:11,533 I don't mean to interrupt a genius when he's rehearsing... 285 00:17:11,535 --> 00:17:12,908 I was already interrupted. 286 00:17:12,910 --> 00:17:15,074 I just spent 20 minutes explaining to three orphans 287 00:17:15,076 --> 00:17:17,116 - that they have to live in a shack. - That's awful. 288 00:17:17,118 --> 00:17:18,866 We always put new orphans in the shack. 289 00:17:18,868 --> 00:17:21,743 No, I mean it's awful that it took you 20 minutes to explain it. 290 00:17:24,035 --> 00:17:26,326 - Hmm. Why are you here? - Why are any of us here? 291 00:17:27,243 --> 00:17:29,324 "Life is thickly sown with thorns, 292 00:17:29,326 --> 00:17:32,491 and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them." 293 00:17:32,493 --> 00:17:33,741 Voltaire said that. 294 00:17:33,743 --> 00:17:35,824 I thought we expelled that French kid for smoking. 295 00:17:35,826 --> 00:17:40,074 I'm following up on keeping the library open for more than ten minutes... 296 00:17:40,076 --> 00:17:42,283 No! Out of the question. 297 00:17:42,285 --> 00:17:44,366 I spent the budget on a violin case with a ruby handle. 298 00:17:44,368 --> 00:17:48,199 But it doesn't cost more money to leave the library door unlocked. 299 00:17:48,201 --> 00:17:51,241 There are other reasons, but I don't have time to explain. 300 00:17:51,243 --> 00:17:52,866 Then I'll wait. 301 00:17:57,993 --> 00:17:59,243 Okay. 302 00:18:01,535 --> 00:18:04,285 It's because I don't like you very much. 303 00:18:07,410 --> 00:18:09,910 My hands are tied on this! 304 00:18:13,410 --> 00:18:14,530 You dropped this. 305 00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:18,033 I wish I had dropped it right on his head. 306 00:18:18,035 --> 00:18:20,783 Too bad we can't fix stupidity at the vice principal level. 307 00:18:20,785 --> 00:18:23,283 In a world governed by corruption and arrogance, 308 00:18:23,285 --> 00:18:26,699 it can be difficult to stay true to one's literary and philosophical principles. 309 00:18:26,701 --> 00:18:29,283 I've often thought that exact thing. 310 00:18:29,285 --> 00:18:32,408 - Most librarians have. - Oh! How did you know I was a librarian? 311 00:18:32,410 --> 00:18:36,033 There's a certain gleam in the eye indicating a sharp, erudite acumen. 312 00:18:36,035 --> 00:18:37,408 Also, you have a cart of books. 313 00:18:37,410 --> 00:18:39,951 Do you know where I might find three children who recently enrolled? 314 00:18:39,954 --> 00:18:42,866 I do, but I don't think I should share that information 315 00:18:42,868 --> 00:18:44,366 with someone who's not faculty. 316 00:18:44,368 --> 00:18:47,201 - I'm a member of the faculty. - I've never seen you around. 317 00:18:48,076 --> 00:18:50,285 I work in the cafeteria. 318 00:18:51,660 --> 00:18:55,616 Ah. That checks out. I make it a point to never eat there. 319 00:18:55,618 --> 00:18:58,283 - Ah, hello, little girl. - Who said you could speak to me? 320 00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:08,743 Oh, my! Here. Let me help you. Oh! 321 00:19:11,868 --> 00:19:15,076 - Children can be cruel. - The whole world is cruel. 322 00:19:15,785 --> 00:19:19,366 School is just a microcosm. 323 00:19:19,368 --> 00:19:21,949 - Are you sure you're all right? - Why do you ask? 324 00:19:21,951 --> 00:19:23,908 The cafeteria's the other way. 325 00:19:23,910 --> 00:19:25,701 But the nurse is this way. 326 00:19:45,826 --> 00:19:48,908 The expression "making a mountain out of a molehill" 327 00:19:48,910 --> 00:19:51,616 simply means making a big deal out of a small deal. 328 00:19:51,618 --> 00:19:54,199 It's easy to see how this expression came about. 329 00:19:54,201 --> 00:19:58,824 Molehills are mounds of earth serving as condominiums for small mammals. 330 00:19:58,826 --> 00:20:00,949 And they have never caused anyone any harm, 331 00:20:00,951 --> 00:20:04,491 except for maybe a stubbed toe if you're being pushed by a bully. 332 00:20:04,493 --> 00:20:06,574 - Hey! - I hate your face! 333 00:20:06,576 --> 00:20:09,866 Mountains, however, are very large mounds of earth 334 00:20:09,868 --> 00:20:11,783 and are constantly causing problems. 335 00:20:11,785 --> 00:20:15,491 From frostbite to border disputes, hang gliding mishaps. 336 00:20:15,493 --> 00:20:18,408 Which is why when we call something a mountain, 337 00:20:18,410 --> 00:20:21,035 we mean that it is a large amount of trouble. 338 00:20:23,035 --> 00:20:26,616 When Nero described the shack where the Baudelaires were living, 339 00:20:26,618 --> 00:20:29,076 he was not making a mountain out of a molehill. 340 00:20:30,285 --> 00:20:32,368 - If anything... - It's small. 341 00:20:33,201 --> 00:20:35,033 Even for a shack. 342 00:20:35,035 --> 00:20:37,699 He was making a molehill out of a mountain. 343 00:20:37,701 --> 00:20:40,118 - Uh, crabs! - Our shack has crabs! 344 00:20:46,993 --> 00:20:48,285 Fungus. 345 00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:51,368 Our shack has dripping fungus. 346 00:20:59,410 --> 00:21:02,201 Their shack had misinformation. 347 00:21:08,118 --> 00:21:10,241 - This is ridiculous. - We can fix it up a little. 348 00:21:10,243 --> 00:21:12,328 I don't mean this shack, I mean this school. 349 00:21:12,331 --> 00:21:14,741 Orphans shouldn't be punished for not having parents. 350 00:21:14,743 --> 00:21:16,908 And who ties people's hands behind their backs to eat? 351 00:21:16,910 --> 00:21:19,949 I know, but we have to think about the bigger picture. 352 00:21:19,951 --> 00:21:22,283 Our parents were part of something. Our guardians, too. 353 00:21:22,285 --> 00:21:24,533 It might be why these terrible things keep happening. 354 00:21:24,535 --> 00:21:26,175 We'll never find out if we're stuck here. 355 00:21:26,785 --> 00:21:28,868 This is a school. Let's see what we can learn. 356 00:21:51,243 --> 00:21:53,785 Good morning, class, including our latest orphan. 357 00:21:59,451 --> 00:22:02,199 My name is Mr. Remora, and today, for language arts, 358 00:22:02,201 --> 00:22:06,408 I will continue telling anecdotes from my own life that I find amusing. 359 00:22:06,410 --> 00:22:09,366 You'll take notes, and there will be a test. 360 00:22:09,368 --> 00:22:11,491 Okay, one day, I think it was a Tuesday, 361 00:22:11,493 --> 00:22:14,491 I was in the mood for macaroni and cheese, so I said to myself, 362 00:22:14,493 --> 00:22:18,158 "Today, Tuesday, I think I'll have some macaroni and cheese." 363 00:22:18,160 --> 00:22:20,366 It's important to remember it wasn't elbow macaroni 364 00:22:20,368 --> 00:22:23,783 or the decorative butterfly kind, or even the tube-shaped macaroni. 365 00:22:23,785 --> 00:22:25,283 Indeed, it was not... 366 00:22:25,285 --> 00:22:29,035 Good morning, children. May I have your undivided attention? 367 00:22:29,743 --> 00:22:32,285 And that includes you, Daniel. 368 00:22:33,951 --> 00:22:36,868 I understand we have a brand new orphan today. 369 00:22:41,493 --> 00:22:45,699 It must be difficult for you to measure how unhappy you are without your parents, 370 00:22:45,701 --> 00:22:46,618 but we're gonna try. 371 00:22:47,326 --> 00:22:49,449 My name is Mrs. Bass, 372 00:22:49,451 --> 00:22:52,074 and we'll continue our lessons on the metric system 373 00:22:52,076 --> 00:22:53,866 by measuring various objects. 374 00:22:53,868 --> 00:22:55,658 Later we'll have a quiz. 375 00:22:55,660 --> 00:22:58,949 The first thing to measure is this jar of mayonnaise 376 00:22:58,951 --> 00:23:00,826 I found in my garage. 377 00:23:01,576 --> 00:23:02,670 Next letter. 378 00:23:02,673 --> 00:23:05,715 "Dear Juilliard School of Music, 379 00:23:06,243 --> 00:23:11,574 I was confused by your restraining order of October 13th." 380 00:23:11,576 --> 00:23:13,410 Faster! You type like a one-year-old! 381 00:23:15,076 --> 00:23:16,076 Where was I? 382 00:23:17,326 --> 00:23:19,910 "Dear Juilliard School of Music, 383 00:23:20,951 --> 00:23:26,635 I was baffled by your restraining order of October the 13th. 384 00:23:26,638 --> 00:23:28,324 What did I do?" 385 00:23:28,326 --> 00:23:30,041 Call those jumping jacks? 386 00:23:30,044 --> 00:23:33,408 I've seen better jumping jacks from old people! 387 00:23:33,410 --> 00:23:37,074 Hiding under the bleachers again, just like so many youthful days 388 00:23:37,076 --> 00:23:40,368 spent hatching plans and looking for cigarette butts. 389 00:23:41,035 --> 00:23:43,283 Were you unpopular? I know how that feels. 390 00:23:43,285 --> 00:23:45,574 No. I was a rebel. 391 00:23:45,577 --> 00:23:47,648 I bet people were jealous of your looks. 392 00:23:47,651 --> 00:23:49,362 Unless you were a late bloomer. 393 00:23:49,365 --> 00:23:51,491 I was not a late bloomer. 394 00:23:51,493 --> 00:23:53,741 Girls were falling all over me in school, 395 00:23:53,743 --> 00:23:56,324 and not just because I extended my leg when they walked by. 396 00:23:56,326 --> 00:24:01,574 I was a lone wolf, a mysterious stranger, a member of the drama club. 397 00:24:01,576 --> 00:24:02,783 Mmm. 398 00:24:02,785 --> 00:24:05,408 This school is obviously desperate for my return, 399 00:24:05,410 --> 00:24:09,033 but that advanced computer prevents us from waltzing in the front door. 400 00:24:09,035 --> 00:24:11,158 We need someone on the inside, 401 00:24:11,160 --> 00:24:15,741 a student who will help us infiltrate, if infiltrate is what I mean. 402 00:24:15,743 --> 00:24:19,074 Do you mean "to penetrate an institution surreptitiously"? 403 00:24:19,076 --> 00:24:20,451 What kid's gonna help us? 404 00:24:21,243 --> 00:24:22,699 Hey, cake-sniffer! 405 00:24:22,701 --> 00:24:26,116 You're as ugly as something I found in my teeth recently! 406 00:24:26,118 --> 00:24:27,368 Little girl. 407 00:24:28,576 --> 00:24:32,366 Little girl? I'm 4' 7". 408 00:24:32,368 --> 00:24:34,618 That's a pretty broach you have. 409 00:24:37,326 --> 00:24:40,033 - Make me an offer. - I like you. 410 00:24:40,035 --> 00:24:43,241 - You're not an orphan, are you? - Do I look like I live in a shack? 411 00:24:43,243 --> 00:24:45,199 Mmm. 412 00:24:45,201 --> 00:24:47,410 Meet me under the bleachers after school. 413 00:24:53,326 --> 00:24:56,449 - How was your day? - I heard nothing but pointless stories. 414 00:24:56,451 --> 00:24:57,866 That's language arts. 415 00:24:57,868 --> 00:25:00,158 I spent the morning writing meaningless measurements. 416 00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:01,993 That's math. How was work? 417 00:25:07,035 --> 00:25:09,324 We've been in class all day but haven't learned a thing. 418 00:25:09,326 --> 00:25:11,699 There has to be someone who can answer all our questions. 419 00:25:11,701 --> 00:25:14,491 - Hello, I'm Larry, your waiter. - We know you. 420 00:25:14,494 --> 00:25:17,286 Of course you do. I work in the cafeteria. See my hairnet? 421 00:25:17,289 --> 00:25:20,310 We've met before. You were the waiter at Lake Lachrymose. 422 00:25:20,313 --> 00:25:22,416 - You were dressed as a clown. - You gave us peppermints. 423 00:25:22,419 --> 00:25:25,658 Uh, peppermints are not a recognized part of the lunch program, 424 00:25:25,660 --> 00:25:27,324 but I do have something to give you. 425 00:25:27,326 --> 00:25:29,408 - Does it have to do with our parents? - Our guardians? 426 00:25:29,410 --> 00:25:31,491 _ 427 00:25:31,493 --> 00:25:34,618 All your questions will be answered as soon as I give you... 428 00:25:37,951 --> 00:25:41,118 Wait, I'm sure it's in here somewhere. 429 00:25:43,368 --> 00:25:44,574 Out of my way. 430 00:25:44,576 --> 00:25:47,074 I deserve a heaping portion because I'm heapingly adorable. 431 00:25:47,076 --> 00:25:50,908 - You can wait in line like everyone else. - Where is it? Where is it? 432 00:25:50,910 --> 00:25:53,741 I don't have to. I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. 433 00:25:53,743 --> 00:25:55,449 Vice Principal Nero likes me best, 434 00:25:55,451 --> 00:25:59,699 and there's a beef and bean burrito with a ribbon on it just for me. 435 00:25:59,701 --> 00:26:02,991 This is my lunch that I brought from home. 436 00:26:02,993 --> 00:26:04,910 - What did you have for us? - Give it to me. 437 00:26:06,076 --> 00:26:07,866 Explain how adorable I am! 438 00:26:07,868 --> 00:26:10,576 - Look at her pinafore! - Look at her pretty face! 439 00:26:11,326 --> 00:26:14,033 - Sorry. I have to look for something. - What were you gonna give us? 440 00:26:14,035 --> 00:26:14,993 Uh... 441 00:26:18,493 --> 00:26:21,785 Macaroni and cheese... and boiled wieners! 442 00:26:22,535 --> 00:26:24,035 No, thank you. 443 00:26:35,743 --> 00:26:37,783 I guess they were late to class. 444 00:26:37,785 --> 00:26:40,658 As if eating cafeteria food isn't punishing enough. 445 00:26:40,660 --> 00:26:43,199 Baudelaires, there's seats at my table, 446 00:26:43,201 --> 00:26:47,908 but I'm afraid it's a cake-sniffer-free zone. 447 00:26:47,910 --> 00:26:50,388 Cake-sniffing orphans in the Orphan Shack! 448 00:26:50,449 --> 00:26:53,008 Cake-sniffing orphans in the Orphan Shack! 449 00:26:53,011 --> 00:26:57,908 Cake-sniffing orphans in the Orphan Shack! 450 00:26:57,910 --> 00:27:00,366 Leave them alone. You're the cake-sniffer. 451 00:27:00,368 --> 00:27:03,076 Nobody in their right mind would want to eat with you. 452 00:27:04,368 --> 00:27:05,743 Come sit with us. 453 00:27:07,285 --> 00:27:08,741 You'll have to forgive Carmelita. 454 00:27:08,743 --> 00:27:11,908 She's so awful, Mrs. Bass is considering a life of crime. 455 00:27:11,910 --> 00:27:13,616 My sister wrote a poem about her. 456 00:27:13,618 --> 00:27:15,851 "I would rather eat a bowl of vampire bats 457 00:27:15,854 --> 00:27:18,033 than spend an hour with Carmelita Spats." 458 00:27:18,035 --> 00:27:20,271 That's a couplet. Ogden Nash uses them. 459 00:27:20,274 --> 00:27:22,625 I know. I've read all of his work. 460 00:27:23,222 --> 00:27:25,387 I'm Isadora Quagmire, and this is my brother Duncan. 461 00:27:25,390 --> 00:27:28,305 I'm Violet Baudelaire, and this is Klaus and Sunny. 462 00:27:28,308 --> 00:27:29,516 Nice to meet you. 463 00:27:32,464 --> 00:27:34,199 _ 464 00:27:34,201 --> 00:27:37,039 We should warn you, the apples taste like horseradish. 465 00:27:37,042 --> 00:27:39,449 Everything seems distasteful in this place. 466 00:27:39,451 --> 00:27:41,116 I hope you're surviving the Orphan Shack. 467 00:27:41,118 --> 00:27:43,766 It's pretty awful. We were living there until yesterday. 468 00:27:43,769 --> 00:27:45,035 You're orphans? 469 00:27:45,038 --> 00:27:49,241 We lost our parents in a terrible fire. And our brother, Quigley. 470 00:27:49,243 --> 00:27:50,574 We were triplets. 471 00:27:50,576 --> 00:27:54,743 - We're sorry to hear that. - We lost our parents in a fire as well. 472 00:27:56,076 --> 00:27:59,951 It's not fair. One minute you're safe and happy and... 473 00:28:01,993 --> 00:28:04,951 - home, and the next... - You're in a shack full of crabs. 474 00:28:05,701 --> 00:28:09,074 We can do something about the crabs. How did you deal with them? 475 00:28:09,076 --> 00:28:11,949 We taped metal to our shoes to be extra noisy. 476 00:28:11,951 --> 00:28:15,366 It scared the crabs, but it was exhausting to tap dance all the time. 477 00:28:15,368 --> 00:28:16,741 Nobody likes tap dancing. 478 00:28:16,743 --> 00:28:18,241 Cake-sniffing orphans 479 00:28:18,243 --> 00:28:19,658 in the Orphan Shack! 480 00:28:19,660 --> 00:28:22,535 Cake-sniffing orphans in the Orphan Shack! 481 00:28:24,451 --> 00:28:27,658 She's been even worse since Nero got her those shoes. 482 00:28:27,660 --> 00:28:29,866 I can invent something less exhausting than tap shoes. 483 00:28:29,868 --> 00:28:32,201 I'll need materials. Can everybody empty their pockets? 484 00:28:52,868 --> 00:28:54,616 Where did you get that? 485 00:28:54,618 --> 00:28:56,535 From the ruins of our parents' home. 486 00:29:00,326 --> 00:29:02,326 I think we need to talk. 487 00:29:05,785 --> 00:29:08,449 We found it in the ashes. We'd never seen it before. 488 00:29:08,451 --> 00:29:11,824 Can't be a coincidence. Two fires, two halves of a spyglass. 489 00:29:11,826 --> 00:29:13,449 I think it's more than a spyglass. 490 00:29:13,451 --> 00:29:16,824 There are dials, similar to ones I read about for cracking codes. 491 00:29:16,826 --> 00:29:19,116 Why would our parents have a device for cracking codes? 492 00:29:19,118 --> 00:29:21,658 Why would ours have the same device? 493 00:29:21,660 --> 00:29:22,908 They must've known each other. 494 00:29:22,910 --> 00:29:26,324 Why don't we know each other? It's like they were hiding all this stuff. 495 00:29:26,326 --> 00:29:27,326 Thanks, Sunny. 496 00:29:28,826 --> 00:29:32,158 Maybe they were gonna tell us, but never got the chance. 497 00:29:32,160 --> 00:29:35,324 - Maybe they were hiding it for a reason. - Because it's dangerous? 498 00:29:35,326 --> 00:29:37,408 Maybe. You're sure you've never heard of Count Olaf? 499 00:29:37,410 --> 00:29:40,241 I'm sure. But since we lost our parents, 500 00:29:40,243 --> 00:29:41,949 we've seen things we can't explain. 501 00:29:41,951 --> 00:29:44,118 Us, too. It has to be connected. 502 00:29:53,660 --> 00:29:54,743 That's a little better. 503 00:29:57,243 --> 00:30:00,324 It's scaring the crabs and it gives the place a little style. 504 00:30:00,326 --> 00:30:01,285 That's a lot better. 505 00:30:03,451 --> 00:30:07,199 At Aunt Josephine's, we found a book that might contain some answers. 506 00:30:07,201 --> 00:30:09,616 We lost it in a hurricane before we could read it. 507 00:30:09,618 --> 00:30:10,658 Did it look like this? 508 00:30:10,660 --> 00:30:14,116 Our last guardian locked it in a safe after she lost her wife. 509 00:30:14,118 --> 00:30:16,616 If we saw the same book, there has to be more copies. 510 00:30:16,618 --> 00:30:18,991 - How can we find one? - Is the library open? 511 00:30:18,993 --> 00:30:20,491 Not for long. 512 00:30:20,493 --> 00:30:23,116 Get out of here. Give this a decent burial. 513 00:30:23,118 --> 00:30:25,074 You told me you like To Kill a Mockingbird, 514 00:30:25,076 --> 00:30:26,283 so I did it for you. 515 00:30:26,285 --> 00:30:27,490 This is your last chance. 516 00:30:27,493 --> 00:30:28,741 Next time, I call your mother 517 00:30:28,743 --> 00:30:30,826 and steal your shoes. 518 00:30:34,410 --> 00:30:37,699 I smell people who lost their parents in fires. 519 00:30:40,784 --> 00:30:43,698 Quagmires and the Baudelaires. 520 00:30:43,701 --> 00:30:46,449 Lovely to see you, and together, I might add. 521 00:30:46,451 --> 00:30:47,526 Are you still open? 522 00:30:47,529 --> 00:30:50,752 I'm afraid I was just locking up. Ten minutes goes by fast. 523 00:30:50,755 --> 00:30:53,991 - You can come back tomorrow. - We can't wait. Please. 524 00:30:53,993 --> 00:30:55,741 - We're trying to find a book. - An important book. 525 00:30:55,743 --> 00:30:56,908 It might have the answers 526 00:30:56,910 --> 00:30:58,823 - to all of our questions. - What's the title? 527 00:30:58,826 --> 00:31:00,868 The Incomplete History of Secret Organizations. 528 00:31:01,535 --> 00:31:03,118 Let me see what I can do. 529 00:31:07,910 --> 00:31:11,241 We only have a few minutes before Nero comes on his rounds. 530 00:31:11,243 --> 00:31:14,158 If he catches you, he'll make you trim his toenails. 531 00:31:14,160 --> 00:31:15,616 - He wouldn't. - He would. 532 00:31:15,618 --> 00:31:16,908 He would. 533 00:31:16,910 --> 00:31:19,074 You don't happen to know its Dewey Decimal number? 534 00:31:19,076 --> 00:31:20,658 We don't even know who wrote it. 535 00:31:20,660 --> 00:31:22,951 That's okay. That's what I'm here for. 536 00:31:24,910 --> 00:31:30,118 Let's see. Incomplete History of Secret Organizations, The. 537 00:31:37,117 --> 00:31:39,073 - I'm sorry. - You don't have it. 538 00:31:39,076 --> 00:31:41,533 Due to budget cuts, crumbling infrastructure, 539 00:31:41,535 --> 00:31:43,760 and the priorities of a certain vice principal, 540 00:31:43,763 --> 00:31:46,866 this place has become something of a faltering institution. 541 00:31:46,868 --> 00:31:50,326 Although, I do have a few other books that I think you might like. 542 00:31:51,951 --> 00:31:54,118 The Incomplete History of Treachery? 543 00:31:56,826 --> 00:32:00,243 The Incomplete History of Pretentiousness? 544 00:32:02,368 --> 00:32:04,826 Or, The Incomplete History of History? 545 00:32:07,493 --> 00:32:09,618 That does sound fascinating, but... 546 00:32:10,701 --> 00:32:11,826 I know. 547 00:32:12,743 --> 00:32:15,324 In every library, there is a single book 548 00:32:15,326 --> 00:32:18,783 to answer the question that burns like a fire in the mind. 549 00:32:18,785 --> 00:32:20,616 Where did you hear that? 550 00:32:20,618 --> 00:32:22,951 I don't know. I must have read it somewhere. Why? 551 00:32:24,285 --> 00:32:25,826 Our father said that once. 552 00:32:27,160 --> 00:32:30,491 It's awful to have people missing from your life. 553 00:32:30,493 --> 00:32:33,033 It's like a question that haunts you, 554 00:32:33,035 --> 00:32:36,533 and you never know if that question will ever be answered. 555 00:32:36,535 --> 00:32:40,199 We think it might be, with the right book. 556 00:32:40,201 --> 00:32:41,076 I see. 557 00:32:41,951 --> 00:32:44,866 Well, a friend of mine is sending me some new titles 558 00:32:44,868 --> 00:32:48,366 now that she's abandoned her dissertation to become a welterweight boxer. 559 00:32:48,368 --> 00:32:51,576 I'll ask her about it. Check back with me in a day or so. 560 00:32:53,118 --> 00:32:54,449 Mind if we have a look around? 561 00:32:56,368 --> 00:32:57,658 - Drat. - Drat? 562 00:32:57,660 --> 00:33:00,365 Vice Principal Nero will be here in... 563 00:33:00,368 --> 00:33:02,283 "Vice Principal Nero will be here." 564 00:33:02,285 --> 00:33:05,951 Vice Principal Nero is already here, and this library is supposed to be closed! 565 00:33:06,701 --> 00:33:10,560 It is closed, and it's empty. You must be having a bad dream. 566 00:33:12,410 --> 00:33:14,783 - That only worked on me once. - Darn it. 567 00:33:14,785 --> 00:33:17,324 Report to the athletic field in ten minutes. 568 00:33:17,326 --> 00:33:18,491 Attendance is mandatory. 569 00:33:18,493 --> 00:33:20,417 Mandatory means "anyone who doesn't come 570 00:33:20,420 --> 00:33:23,090 has to buy me candy and watch me eat it." 571 00:33:23,093 --> 00:33:25,627 - He wouldn't. - He would. 572 00:33:25,630 --> 00:33:27,339 I would. 573 00:33:28,743 --> 00:33:30,449 This is a very exciting day for me, 574 00:33:30,451 --> 00:33:32,991 so you orphans and you twins should be excited. 575 00:33:32,993 --> 00:33:34,824 The Quagmires are triplets. 576 00:33:34,826 --> 00:33:37,741 "Twins" is what you call triplets when one has burned to a crisp. 577 00:33:37,743 --> 00:33:41,533 If you'll excuse me, I have to get my violin for the pep rally. 578 00:33:41,535 --> 00:33:43,866 Welcome to Prufrock Prep, Baudelaires. 579 00:33:43,868 --> 00:33:47,241 In a world too often governed by corruption and arrogance, 580 00:33:47,243 --> 00:33:52,158 it can be difficult to stay true to one's philosophical and literary principles. 581 00:33:52,160 --> 00:33:53,324 We wholeheartedly agree. 582 00:33:53,326 --> 00:33:56,074 All decent people do. 583 00:33:56,076 --> 00:33:57,533 I wanted to find that book. 584 00:33:57,535 --> 00:33:59,366 We still could. We'll make a plan. 585 00:33:59,368 --> 00:34:01,491 I don't know what's worse, the word "pep" or "rally." 586 00:34:01,493 --> 00:34:04,116 - They last for hours. - We'll sneak in some fruit. 587 00:34:04,118 --> 00:34:06,699 - We'll bring some for you, too. - Thank you. 588 00:34:06,701 --> 00:34:09,283 It's no trouble. Our broom closet's next to the fruit bowl. 589 00:34:09,285 --> 00:34:12,991 I don't mean for the fruit. I mean for making us feel at home. 590 00:34:12,993 --> 00:34:15,241 We haven't felt at home for a long time. 591 00:34:15,243 --> 00:34:16,866 I'm sure you already know. 592 00:34:16,868 --> 00:34:19,118 - What? - What friends are for. 593 00:34:20,826 --> 00:34:22,029 See you soon. 594 00:34:27,326 --> 00:34:29,824 Remember what you learned in lock-picking school. 595 00:34:29,826 --> 00:34:34,158 You have to break in, get the book, give it to the Baudelaires, quit your job, 596 00:34:34,160 --> 00:34:36,574 then you never have to come back to this school again. 597 00:34:36,576 --> 00:34:38,949 - Unless it's a reunion. - You're breaking in. 598 00:34:38,951 --> 00:34:41,866 Uh, no, I'm not. I mean, it's okay, I'm a grown-up. 599 00:34:41,868 --> 00:34:44,074 - I'm telling Nero. - You don't have to do that. 600 00:34:44,076 --> 00:34:47,574 All I have to do is scream and he'll fire you on the spot. 601 00:34:47,576 --> 00:34:49,824 Unless you give me something. 602 00:34:49,826 --> 00:34:52,505 I already gave you half of my burrito. 603 00:34:54,701 --> 00:34:56,199 Fine, fine! 604 00:34:56,201 --> 00:34:59,033 Tell me what you want, what you really, really want. 605 00:34:59,035 --> 00:35:01,160 Oh, I'll tell you what I want, 606 00:35:01,951 --> 00:35:06,118 what I really, really want. 607 00:35:16,160 --> 00:35:18,660 Hello, hello, hello. 608 00:35:20,035 --> 00:35:23,701 What are helpless orphans like you doing in a place like this? 609 00:35:24,326 --> 00:35:27,283 - Who are you? - Don't pretend this handsome face 610 00:35:27,285 --> 00:35:30,283 doesn't haunt your every waking and sleeping hour. 611 00:35:30,285 --> 00:35:32,283 You will never be rid of me. 612 00:35:32,285 --> 00:35:34,033 You'll never be safe. 613 00:35:34,035 --> 00:35:39,866 So much to learn, orphans, and I am here to school you. 614 00:35:39,868 --> 00:35:42,658 The three of you better... Wait. 615 00:35:42,660 --> 00:35:45,908 You two better... Wait. Where's the midget? 616 00:35:45,910 --> 00:35:46,868 One, two... 617 00:35:49,243 --> 00:35:51,116 You're not the Baudelaires. Who are you? 618 00:35:51,118 --> 00:35:52,660 Who are you, you miscreant? 619 00:35:53,785 --> 00:35:55,660 Miscreant? 620 00:35:56,368 --> 00:35:59,991 Oh, I know who you are now. 621 00:35:59,993 --> 00:36:03,616 - You sound just like your mother, Quigley. - Duncan. 622 00:36:03,618 --> 00:36:08,033 "You miscreant, never again will you darken the doors of this hangar." 623 00:36:08,035 --> 00:36:09,616 Such a tiresome woman. 624 00:36:09,618 --> 00:36:13,324 Always reading Italian poetry and activating trap doors. 625 00:36:13,326 --> 00:36:16,949 - How do you know our mother? - Oh, I know everything, orphans. 626 00:36:16,951 --> 00:36:20,074 I know the number of hairs on each of your heads, 627 00:36:20,076 --> 00:36:22,616 the number of sapphires in your secret vaults. 628 00:36:22,618 --> 00:36:25,949 The number of tombstones in your family plots. 629 00:36:25,951 --> 00:36:30,449 Well, well, it seems this trip to Prufrock will bring me twice the fortune. 630 00:36:30,451 --> 00:36:33,074 And there's nobody who can stop me. 631 00:36:33,076 --> 00:36:36,033 Give me back my burrito, you miscreant! 632 00:36:36,035 --> 00:36:38,743 Larry? What... 633 00:36:45,951 --> 00:36:48,699 - One eyebrow. - I bet he has a tattoo on his ankle. 634 00:36:48,701 --> 00:36:51,372 We have to warn the Baudelaires something terrible is going to happen, 635 00:36:51,375 --> 00:36:53,116 and I don't mean a pep rally. 636 00:36:57,576 --> 00:37:00,408 Get moving. I'm talking to you, cheerleaders. 637 00:37:00,410 --> 00:37:01,993 Get your costume on, mascot! 638 00:37:02,618 --> 00:37:05,324 Step lively, health and hygiene instructor. 639 00:37:05,326 --> 00:37:09,660 I prefer the term interdisciplinary gender studies. 640 00:37:15,076 --> 00:37:18,324 - Why won't you leave me alone? - I'm still hungry. 641 00:37:18,326 --> 00:37:21,574 I gave you my burrito. We agreed that was fair. 642 00:37:21,576 --> 00:37:23,201 I'm hungry for revenge. 643 00:37:23,993 --> 00:37:27,074 - What? - You made me suffer long enough. 644 00:37:27,076 --> 00:37:28,908 The menu is chosen by the school district. 645 00:37:28,910 --> 00:37:31,408 For years you've infiltrated my schemes, 646 00:37:31,410 --> 00:37:35,324 relying on morals and literature to muck up my life. 647 00:37:35,326 --> 00:37:39,699 Well, these are your victoriously final days. 648 00:37:39,701 --> 00:37:41,743 I have no idea what you're talking about. 649 00:37:43,035 --> 00:37:45,991 - How did I do? - Those last few lines were for me. 650 00:37:45,993 --> 00:37:48,741 - I'm so adorable when I say them. - But theater is about context. 651 00:37:48,743 --> 00:37:52,949 - Let's take it from the flop. - "Flop"? Take it from the top. 652 00:37:52,951 --> 00:37:55,491 Never mind. The adults are speaking. 653 00:37:55,493 --> 00:37:56,910 All right, fine. 654 00:37:58,993 --> 00:38:00,908 Working with kids, am I right? 655 00:38:00,910 --> 00:38:03,076 No. You're wrong about everything. 656 00:38:04,076 --> 00:38:06,699 Same goody-goody moral stance, I see. 657 00:38:06,701 --> 00:38:08,283 The only thing that's changed is your hair. 658 00:38:08,285 --> 00:38:11,783 It's a hairnet, as required by the Department of Education. 659 00:38:11,785 --> 00:38:14,366 In our organization, that's called successful infiltration. 660 00:38:14,368 --> 00:38:17,491 I learned what that word means, but then I forgot. 661 00:38:17,493 --> 00:38:21,491 All you need to remember is that we're one step ahead of you. 662 00:38:21,493 --> 00:38:24,493 Strong words coming from someone who's scrubbing a lasagna pan. 663 00:38:27,826 --> 00:38:29,658 Cannelloni. 664 00:38:29,660 --> 00:38:32,283 You wouldn't dare. This is dry-clean only. 665 00:38:32,285 --> 00:38:33,408 You're in luck, 666 00:38:33,410 --> 00:38:36,410 because we're taking you to the cleaners. 667 00:38:38,410 --> 00:38:40,533 I don't know how you got in here. 668 00:38:40,535 --> 00:38:41,908 A girl propped open the door. 669 00:38:41,910 --> 00:38:44,908 - But we're sending you back out. - What do you mean, "we"? 670 00:38:44,910 --> 00:38:48,158 The pronoun for first person plural. I'm not working alone. 671 00:38:48,160 --> 00:38:51,616 Oh, goodness me, you have comrades. You have cohorts. 672 00:38:51,618 --> 00:38:53,685 Why didn't I think of that? 673 00:38:53,688 --> 00:38:56,741 - En garde! - That's French for "We gotcha!" 674 00:38:56,743 --> 00:38:58,872 Do you think you can win? 675 00:38:58,875 --> 00:39:02,660 Totally. 676 00:39:03,868 --> 00:39:05,991 And do you know why? 677 00:39:05,993 --> 00:39:08,616 You may have the smarts and the skills. 678 00:39:08,618 --> 00:39:12,866 You may have the classified codes and secret libraries. 679 00:39:12,868 --> 00:39:17,741 You may have the wisdom and integrity and various poems committed to memory. 680 00:39:17,743 --> 00:39:20,910 - But do you know what I have? - What? 681 00:39:23,618 --> 00:39:25,285 - Line. - A jeweled... 682 00:39:26,368 --> 00:39:28,658 A jeweled broach! 683 00:39:28,660 --> 00:39:29,535 What? 684 00:39:30,160 --> 00:39:33,699 - Yes, a jeweled... Wait, what? - A... That's... 685 00:39:33,701 --> 00:39:39,033 A plan! I have a plan! You are not much of a spy, Barry. 686 00:39:39,035 --> 00:39:40,576 Larry, your waiter. 687 00:39:41,326 --> 00:39:44,741 You know what they say about the food service industry. 688 00:39:44,743 --> 00:39:47,783 It's a cold, cold business. 689 00:39:54,243 --> 00:39:57,451 Now we've got to rally ourselves. 690 00:40:00,326 --> 00:40:02,116 - Pruf... - Rock! 691 00:40:02,118 --> 00:40:07,324 Prufrock! Prufrock! Prufrock! Prufrock! 692 00:40:07,326 --> 00:40:09,491 - Baudelaires! - We think you're in danger. 693 00:40:09,493 --> 00:40:10,408 What's wrong? 694 00:40:10,410 --> 00:40:13,283 The Baudelaires are in no danger at all. 695 00:40:13,285 --> 00:40:15,741 In fact, my wife just dropped by the office 696 00:40:15,743 --> 00:40:18,616 with an advance copy of today's Daily Punctilio, 697 00:40:18,618 --> 00:40:21,408 and wait till you see the headlines. 698 00:40:23,368 --> 00:40:25,961 - Hello? - This is Larry, your waiter. 699 00:40:28,118 --> 00:40:30,408 You sound cold. Are you in the mountains? 700 00:40:30,410 --> 00:40:32,616 We're not due there until the end of the season. 701 00:40:32,618 --> 00:40:35,951 - Did you deliver the book? - I had some complications. 702 00:40:36,618 --> 00:40:37,938 Yes. 703 00:40:37,941 --> 00:40:40,283 Yes. They even took my hairnet. 704 00:40:40,285 --> 00:40:42,533 They'll stop at nothing. You must be freezing. 705 00:40:42,535 --> 00:40:45,366 Try jumping, or reciting a Jack London story. 706 00:40:45,368 --> 00:40:48,449 Oh, that's a good idea. Would you mind sending... 707 00:40:48,451 --> 00:40:50,785 Yes, of course. I'll call you a taxi. 708 00:41:02,993 --> 00:41:05,366 - Poe, are you there? Focus. - Oh, what? 709 00:41:05,368 --> 00:41:08,491 No. Sorry, Mr. Tamerlane. It was just my receptionist. 710 00:41:08,493 --> 00:41:11,012 You know how it is with assistants. 711 00:41:11,015 --> 00:41:14,013 Every so often, their phone rings and they dive under their desks, 712 00:41:14,016 --> 00:41:16,951 apparently to retrieve a pen that they've dropped. 713 00:41:18,201 --> 00:41:21,199 - Again. - Snicket? Someone needs a ride, and quick. 714 00:41:21,201 --> 00:41:24,324 Got it. Of course. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill. 715 00:41:24,326 --> 00:41:25,993 - The world... - Is quiet here. 716 00:41:26,660 --> 00:41:28,241 The world is quiet here. 717 00:41:28,243 --> 00:41:32,783 This might sound curious, like the motto of a secret organization, 718 00:41:32,785 --> 00:41:35,783 or something your brother might say when he arrives in his taxi 719 00:41:35,785 --> 00:41:38,743 to smuggle you across the border, high up into the mountains. 720 00:41:39,410 --> 00:41:43,533 When the world is noisy, the world may feel as if it is coming apart. 721 00:41:46,118 --> 00:41:47,366 What did you see? 722 00:41:47,368 --> 00:41:49,533 - We think we saw Count Olaf! - What? 723 00:41:49,535 --> 00:41:51,574 It's also hard to hold a private conversation. 724 00:41:51,576 --> 00:41:54,324 - We think Count Olaf is here! - What? 725 00:41:54,326 --> 00:41:58,493 Thank you. Thank you. Welcome to the mandatory pep rally. 726 00:41:59,326 --> 00:42:02,783 I don't know which I like more, the word "pep" or "rally." 727 00:42:02,785 --> 00:42:05,324 - I like "pep." - I like "rally." 728 00:42:05,326 --> 00:42:07,533 Maybe we should ask our mascot! What do you say? 729 00:42:09,493 --> 00:42:12,283 - What's the mascot? - A dead horse! 730 00:42:12,285 --> 00:42:14,074 It sounded like you said... 731 00:42:14,076 --> 00:42:16,491 A dead horse. But that's not important. 732 00:42:16,493 --> 00:42:18,949 - Who can't be beat? - A dead horse! 733 00:42:19,016 --> 00:42:21,574 - Who can't be beat? - A dead horse! 734 00:42:21,576 --> 00:42:23,951 Hi-yah! 735 00:42:27,951 --> 00:42:28,991 You have to listen. 736 00:42:28,993 --> 00:42:30,366 - My brother and I saw... - Shush! 737 00:42:30,368 --> 00:42:32,283 I know things seemed less peppy 738 00:42:32,285 --> 00:42:36,158 since our athletes, cheerleaders and beloved gym teacher vanished 739 00:42:36,160 --> 00:42:37,783 on the way home from that away game. 740 00:42:37,785 --> 00:42:41,033 But Prufrock Preparatory School has a motto. 741 00:42:41,035 --> 00:42:43,660 It's "memento mori." 742 00:42:44,493 --> 00:42:46,283 It's an ancient Greek saying... 743 00:42:46,285 --> 00:42:47,324 Latin. 744 00:42:47,326 --> 00:42:51,074 Which means, "Remember, you will die." 745 00:42:51,076 --> 00:42:54,815 And soon, indeed, the sun will set, the fiery orb of life, 746 00:42:55,535 --> 00:42:58,326 leaving me alone! 747 00:42:59,535 --> 00:43:00,868 Alone! 748 00:43:02,368 --> 00:43:03,743 Alone! 749 00:43:11,910 --> 00:43:15,616 Until, of course, you meet someone who truly understands 750 00:43:15,618 --> 00:43:18,743 and supports you with friendship, camaraderie and cash bribes. 751 00:43:19,660 --> 00:43:22,035 Our gym teacher was irreplaceable, 752 00:43:22,660 --> 00:43:26,451 but I have found someone I know who can fill her shoes. 753 00:43:29,701 --> 00:43:31,826 And now, please welcome to the stage, 754 00:43:32,660 --> 00:43:37,158 a man with no résumé, no letters of recommendation, 755 00:43:37,160 --> 00:43:41,908 no credit history, but with such a marvelous ear for music 756 00:43:41,910 --> 00:43:46,324 that I've hired him as the newest member of our faculty! 757 00:43:46,326 --> 00:43:48,410 No, no, not you. No. 758 00:43:50,341 --> 00:43:55,883 Your new gym teacher, Coach Genghis! 759 00:43:57,993 --> 00:43:59,326 Count Olaf. 760 00:44:02,715 --> 00:44:09,490 So much to learn, and I am here to school you. 761 00:44:12,750 --> 00:44:16,310 -