1
00:00:01,100 --> 00:00:05,400
Men, uh...
flip around the television
2
00:00:05,433 --> 00:00:06,900
more than women, I think.
3
00:00:06,933 --> 00:00:09,533
Men get that remote control
in their hands...
4
00:00:09,566 --> 00:00:11,533
they don't even know what
the hell they're not watching.
5
00:00:11,566 --> 00:00:13,033
You know, they just keep going.
6
00:00:13,066 --> 00:00:14,233
"Don't even know
what I'm watching."
7
00:00:14,266 --> 00:00:15,800
"What are you watching?"
8
00:00:15,833 --> 00:00:17,800
"I don't care. I gotta keep
going." "Who was that?"
9
00:00:17,833 --> 00:00:19,233
"Isn't that your father?"
"I don't know what it was."
10
00:00:19,266 --> 00:00:21,533
"I gotta keep going!"
11
00:00:21,566 --> 00:00:24,533
Women don't do that. See, now,
women will stop and go,
12
00:00:24,566 --> 00:00:26,866
"Well, let me see
what the show is
13
00:00:26,900 --> 00:00:29,233
before I change the channel."
14
00:00:29,266 --> 00:00:30,000
You see, but men just fly.
15
00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:31,200
You see, but men just fly.
16
00:00:31,233 --> 00:00:35,333
Because women, you see,
women nest, and men hunt.
17
00:00:35,366 --> 00:00:37,300
That's why
we watch TV differently.
18
00:00:37,333 --> 00:00:39,066
[♪]
19
00:00:39,100 --> 00:00:42,066
Before there was
flipping around,
20
00:00:42,100 --> 00:00:43,466
before there was television,
21
00:00:43,500 --> 00:00:47,733
kings and emperors and pharaohs
and such had storytellers
22
00:00:47,766 --> 00:00:49,900
that would tell them stories.
That was their entertainment.
23
00:00:49,933 --> 00:00:52,200
I always wonder, in that era,
24
00:00:52,233 --> 00:00:54,166
if they would get, like,
30 storytellers together
25
00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:56,166
so they could still flip around.
26
00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:57,966
Just go, "All right,
start telling me your story.
27
00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:00,000
"What's happening? I don't want
to hear any more. Shut up.
28
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:00,200
"What's happening? I don't want
to hear any more. Shut up.
29
00:01:00,233 --> 00:01:02,300
"Go to the next guy.
What are you talking about?
30
00:01:02,333 --> 00:01:03,866
"Is there a girl in that story?
No? Shut up.
31
00:01:03,900 --> 00:01:05,666
"I don't want to hear
that either. Shut up.
32
00:01:05,700 --> 00:01:07,333
"No, go ahead.
What are you talking about?
33
00:01:07,366 --> 00:01:09,066
I don't wanna hear that.
I'm going to bed."
34
00:01:15,033 --> 00:01:16,800
She's pregnant?
35
00:01:16,833 --> 00:01:18,333
Mm-hmm.
36
00:01:18,366 --> 00:01:19,966
Leslie is pregnant?
37
00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:22,000
Oh, see?
There is no justice.
38
00:01:22,033 --> 00:01:23,633
She's the performance
artist, right?
39
00:01:23,666 --> 00:01:24,733
Yeah,
performance artist.
40
00:01:24,766 --> 00:01:26,966
She's a real performer,
a real trooper.
41
00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:28,366
What's her husband's
name again?
42
00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:30,966
Chip? Kip?
43
00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:32,300
Skip?
44
00:01:32,333 --> 00:01:33,400
Todd.
45
00:01:33,433 --> 00:01:36,700
Todd...
Oh, yeah.
46
00:01:36,733 --> 00:01:37,966
He's a Kennedy.
47
00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:39,233
No, he's not.
48
00:01:39,266 --> 00:01:41,200
Come on, he's a third
cousin or something.
49
00:01:41,233 --> 00:01:41,613
By marriage.
50
00:01:41,613 --> 00:01:42,800
By marriage.
51
00:01:42,833 --> 00:01:44,566
Oh, by marriage, yeah.
52
00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:45,966
We went to the wedding.
53
00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:47,333
You should have
heard them talking
54
00:01:47,366 --> 00:01:48,533
about Chappaquiddick.
55
00:01:48,566 --> 00:01:51,033
Tried to blame the whole
thing on bad directions.
56
00:01:51,066 --> 00:01:53,533
That woman was unequivocally
the worst date of my life.
57
00:01:53,566 --> 00:01:56,366
Oh, pardon me
for trying to set you up
58
00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:58,633
with a beautiful,
intelligent woman.
59
00:01:58,666 --> 00:02:00,533
What, you don't think
I can attract
60
00:02:00,566 --> 00:02:02,466
beautiful,
intelligent women?
61
00:02:02,500 --> 00:02:06,566
Thin ice, George,
very thin ice.
62
00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:08,233
Maybe for her new
performance piece,
63
00:02:08,266 --> 00:02:09,366
she'll give birth
on stage.
64
00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:11,300
She stopped performing.
65
00:02:11,333 --> 00:02:11,613
Oh! What a huge blow
to the culture.
66
00:02:11,613 --> 00:02:15,300
Oh! What a huge blow
to the culture.
67
00:02:15,333 --> 00:02:16,633
Can you believe
this guy?
68
00:02:16,666 --> 00:02:18,466
He holds a grudge
like Khomeini.
69
00:02:18,500 --> 00:02:20,800
She dragged me
down to that warehouse
70
00:02:20,833 --> 00:02:23,700
on the waterfront in Brooklyn
to see one of her performances.
71
00:02:23,733 --> 00:02:25,700
Oh, when she's on stage
72
00:02:25,733 --> 00:02:27,366
cooking dinner
for some celebrity?
73
00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:29,566
God...
74
00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:31,866
She's cooking dinner for God.
75
00:02:31,900 --> 00:02:34,033
She's yelling and screaming,
and the next thing I know,
76
00:02:34,066 --> 00:02:36,333
she throws
a big can of chocolate syrup
77
00:02:36,366 --> 00:02:37,533
all over my new red shirt.
78
00:02:37,566 --> 00:02:38,866
It was an accident!
79
00:02:38,900 --> 00:02:40,300
Oh, yeah, accident, right.
80
00:02:40,333 --> 00:02:41,613
She was aiming right at me,
like she was putting out a fire.
81
00:02:41,613 --> 00:02:42,866
She was aiming right at me,
like she was putting out a fire.
82
00:02:42,900 --> 00:02:44,633
So for the rest of the show,
83
00:02:44,666 --> 00:02:46,500
I'm sitting there
with chocolate over my shirt.
84
00:02:46,533 --> 00:02:49,500
Flies are landing on me.
85
00:02:49,533 --> 00:02:50,900
I'm boiling!
86
00:02:50,933 --> 00:02:53,133
I'm fantasizing all the things
I'm going to say to her,
87
00:02:53,166 --> 00:02:55,300
and later, finally,
backstage when I talk to her,
88
00:02:55,333 --> 00:02:56,833
I'm like a little
groveling worm.
89
00:02:56,866 --> 00:02:59,866
I'm--"What kind of chocolate
was that?"
90
00:02:59,900 --> 00:03:01,866
"Do you throw
any other foods?"
91
00:03:01,900 --> 00:03:03,533
He thought he still
had a shot.
92
00:03:03,566 --> 00:03:07,700
And then, then, then!
93
00:03:07,733 --> 00:03:09,233
She leaves
with somebody else.
94
00:03:09,266 --> 00:03:11,613
Never even--
never even said goodbye.
95
00:03:11,613 --> 00:03:12,533
Never even--
never even said goodbye.
96
00:03:12,566 --> 00:03:15,200
Never called me back,
never apologized, nothing.
97
00:03:15,233 --> 00:03:18,033
Like I was dirt.
98
00:03:18,066 --> 00:03:21,333
Whatever happened
to the shirt?
99
00:03:21,366 --> 00:03:22,800
I still have it.
100
00:03:22,833 --> 00:03:25,733
The collar's okay.
I wear it under sweaters.
101
00:03:25,766 --> 00:03:27,966
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
102
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:30,200
She asked me to give her
a baby shower.
103
00:03:30,233 --> 00:03:31,466
Asked you?
104
00:03:31,500 --> 00:03:32,900
You're not gonna
do that, are you?
105
00:03:32,933 --> 00:03:37,166
Anyone else, never,
but Leslie...
106
00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:39,033
I have a problem
saying no to her.
107
00:03:39,066 --> 00:03:40,866
For some reason,
I seem to want her approval.
108
00:03:40,900 --> 00:03:41,613
Let Maria Shriver
give her a baby shower.
109
00:03:41,613 --> 00:03:43,866
Let Maria Shriver
give her a baby shower.
110
00:03:43,900 --> 00:03:45,866
Ask not what I can
do for you,
111
00:03:45,900 --> 00:03:47,233
ask what you
can do for me.
112
00:03:47,266 --> 00:03:48,233
Ich bin ein sucker.
113
00:03:48,266 --> 00:03:50,066
Oh...
114
00:03:50,100 --> 00:03:51,866
Would you two stop
with the Kennedys?
115
00:03:51,900 --> 00:03:55,066
Why does everybody make such
a big deal about the Kennedys?
116
00:03:55,100 --> 00:03:56,733
I mean,
what is this fascination?
117
00:03:56,766 --> 00:03:58,200
Who cares?
118
00:03:58,233 --> 00:03:59,400
It's all so boring.
119
00:03:59,433 --> 00:04:01,900
Look, she doesn't deserve
a baby shower.
120
00:04:01,933 --> 00:04:04,133
She deserves a baby monsoon.
121
00:04:04,166 --> 00:04:05,366
She deserves Rosemary's baby.
122
00:04:08,266 --> 00:04:11,000
I do have one
teeny little problem, though.
123
00:04:11,033 --> 00:04:11,613
Never said goodbye.
Never apologized. Nothing.
124
00:04:11,613 --> 00:04:15,133
Never said goodbye.
Never apologized. Nothing.
125
00:04:15,166 --> 00:04:17,066
See...
126
00:04:17,100 --> 00:04:18,700
[CLEARS THROAT]
127
00:04:18,733 --> 00:04:20,900
I was gonna give
the shower in my apartment...
128
00:04:20,933 --> 00:04:22,066
But?
129
00:04:22,100 --> 00:04:24,500
My roommate has Lyme disease.
130
00:04:24,533 --> 00:04:25,700
Lyme disease?
131
00:04:25,733 --> 00:04:27,533
I thought she had
Epstein-Barr Syndrome.
132
00:04:27,566 --> 00:04:30,366
She has this
in addition to Epstein-Barr.
133
00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:33,666
It's like Epstein-Barr
with a twist of Lyme disease.
134
00:04:33,700 --> 00:04:35,400
How did she get Lyme disease?
135
00:04:35,433 --> 00:04:36,700
I don't know.
136
00:04:36,733 --> 00:04:39,700
She did some outdoor version
of Hair
137
00:04:39,733 --> 00:04:40,866
in Danberry, Connecticut.
138
00:04:40,900 --> 00:04:41,613
They still do
that play?
139
00:04:41,613 --> 00:04:42,033
They still do
that play?
140
00:04:42,066 --> 00:04:43,333
It's a classic.
141
00:04:43,366 --> 00:04:45,566
With the nudity?
142
00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:49,500
I guess. She must've rolled over
on a tick during the love-in.
143
00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:55,833
Never said goodbye. Hah!
"Goodbye."
144
00:04:55,866 --> 00:04:58,333
Explain to me how
this baby shower thing works?
145
00:04:58,366 --> 00:04:59,700
What do you want to know?
146
00:04:59,733 --> 00:05:04,066
Well, I mean, does it ever erupt
into a drunken orgy of violence?
147
00:05:05,900 --> 00:05:07,666
Rarely.
148
00:05:07,700 --> 00:05:09,333
There's no hazing
of the fetus,
149
00:05:09,366 --> 00:05:11,613
or anything,
is there?
150
00:05:11,613 --> 00:05:12,566
or anything,
is there?
151
00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:14,566
No. Mm-mm.
152
00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:15,866
When is this
supposed to be?
153
00:05:15,900 --> 00:05:16,866
Saturday.
154
00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:18,233
Saturday.
155
00:05:18,266 --> 00:05:20,833
Well, I have a show
in Buffalo on Saturday.
156
00:05:20,866 --> 00:05:22,200
They're not gonna
bust up my apartment,
157
00:05:22,233 --> 00:05:23,233
or anything,
are they?
158
00:05:23,266 --> 00:05:24,366
No, I'll take
full responsibility.
159
00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:25,700
You won't regret it.
160
00:05:25,733 --> 00:05:27,366
You know, because I've
seen these pregnant women,
161
00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:29,800
and they sometimes misjudge
their fetal girth...
162
00:05:29,833 --> 00:05:32,200
and they'll--just like
one wrong turn,
163
00:05:32,233 --> 00:05:34,533
the whole buffet is,
like, right off the table.
164
00:05:34,566 --> 00:05:38,200
Someday, before I die,
mark my words,
165
00:05:38,233 --> 00:05:40,400
I'm gonna tell that woman
exactly what I think of her.
166
00:05:40,433 --> 00:05:41,613
I'll never be able
to forgive myself
167
00:05:41,613 --> 00:05:41,833
I'll never be able
to forgive myself
168
00:05:41,866 --> 00:05:43,233
until I do.
169
00:05:43,266 --> 00:05:44,400
And if you do?
170
00:05:44,433 --> 00:05:46,200
Well, I still won't be
able to forgive myself,
171
00:05:46,233 --> 00:05:48,066
but at least
it won't be about this.
172
00:05:55,933 --> 00:05:58,566
What are you
doing this for?
173
00:05:58,600 --> 00:05:59,966
Look at you!
174
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:01,566
Quiet. I'm trying
to get a picture.
175
00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:03,000
But you don't
have to do this.
176
00:06:03,033 --> 00:06:04,366
The guy is waiting
in my house!
177
00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:05,466
Leave me alone!
178
00:06:05,500 --> 00:06:08,300
It's a one-time fee.
150 bucks.
179
00:06:08,333 --> 00:06:09,366
Why live like this?
180
00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:11,613
I'm not getting illegal cable.
181
00:06:11,613 --> 00:06:11,800
I'm not getting illegal cable.
182
00:06:11,833 --> 00:06:13,566
Oh, so what are
you gonna do?
183
00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:15,033
You gonna wait for
the cable companies
184
00:06:15,066 --> 00:06:16,333
to resolve
their dispute?
185
00:06:16,366 --> 00:06:18,366
They're gonna be
in court for years.
186
00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:19,566
No, I read
in the paper--
187
00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:20,566
Oh, oh,
the paper, yeah.
188
00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:22,000
Well, they might
hook us up again.
189
00:06:22,033 --> 00:06:24,033
Oh, God, you're so naive.
190
00:06:24,066 --> 00:06:27,533
All cable companies care about
is the big mamoo.
191
00:06:27,566 --> 00:06:31,866
Oh... look at you.
You're banging things.
192
00:06:31,900 --> 00:06:33,466
It's just pathetic.
193
00:06:33,500 --> 00:06:35,333
You're just
wasting your life.
194
00:06:35,366 --> 00:06:38,533
I'm offering you 56 channels.
195
00:06:38,566 --> 00:06:41,613
Movies, sports, nudity,
and it's free for life!
196
00:06:41,613 --> 00:06:43,566
Movies, sports, nudity,
and it's free for life!
197
00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:45,800
Stop shouting.
You're ruining the reception!
198
00:06:45,833 --> 00:06:47,233
Can you hear yourself?
199
00:06:47,266 --> 00:06:50,400
Can-- Do you know
what you're saying?
200
00:06:50,433 --> 00:06:53,133
What you're suggesting
is illegal.
201
00:06:53,166 --> 00:06:54,866
It's not illegal.
It's against the law.
202
00:06:54,900 --> 00:06:57,166
Well, yeah.
203
00:07:00,333 --> 00:07:02,700
Just-- just hold this.
Can you hold that?
204
00:07:02,733 --> 00:07:05,333
Look, will you at least
let me bring the guy over?
205
00:07:05,366 --> 00:07:07,833
He's an amazing man.
He's a Russian immigrant.
206
00:07:07,866 --> 00:07:09,333
He escaped from the gulag.
207
00:07:09,366 --> 00:07:11,613
He's like the Sakharov
of cable guys.
208
00:07:11,613 --> 00:07:12,533
He's like the Sakharov
of cable guys.
209
00:07:12,566 --> 00:07:14,533
He'll slow
your gas meter.
210
00:07:14,566 --> 00:07:19,200
He sells slugs, Jerry.
Slugs for the subway.
211
00:07:19,233 --> 00:07:22,166
He's a real
human rights nut, huh?
212
00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:23,866
Yeah. He's intense, man.
213
00:07:23,900 --> 00:07:26,700
I don't know.
What if I get caught--
214
00:07:26,733 --> 00:07:29,533
Oh, you're not gonna get caught.
Look, let me get him, man.
215
00:07:29,566 --> 00:07:31,966
It's the 90's. It's Hammer time.
216
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:34,966
Come on.
Just let me get him.
217
00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:37,033
Jerry, Jerry,
this is the cable man.
218
00:07:37,066 --> 00:07:38,833
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
219
00:07:41,066 --> 00:07:41,613
You know,
why don't we wait,
220
00:07:41,613 --> 00:07:43,733
You know,
why don't we wait,
221
00:07:43,766 --> 00:07:45,300
because I'm going
out of town tomorrow.
222
00:07:45,333 --> 00:07:47,833
Tomorrow okay.
223
00:07:47,866 --> 00:07:49,066
No problem.
224
00:07:49,100 --> 00:07:50,500
Yeah, you'll have
the whole thing installed
225
00:07:50,533 --> 00:07:51,700
by the time you get back.
226
00:07:51,733 --> 00:07:53,500
No, every time
I turn on a TV,
227
00:07:53,533 --> 00:07:55,200
sirens are gonna go off.
228
00:07:55,233 --> 00:07:57,466
They're gonna track me down
like a dog. I know it.
229
00:07:57,500 --> 00:08:00,700
No, no. Look, now, Jerry, Jerry,
it's no risk. I swear.
230
00:08:00,733 --> 00:08:05,100
The Mets have 75 games
on cable this year.
231
00:08:08,733 --> 00:08:09,933
Put it in.
232
00:08:11,066 --> 00:08:11,613
You won't regret it.
233
00:08:11,613 --> 00:08:12,366
You won't regret it.
234
00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:14,966
♪ Yeah, Jerry's going to be
A cable boy ♪
235
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:16,533
♪ A cable boy
A cable boy... ♪
236
00:08:22,066 --> 00:08:23,366
Mr. Steinfeld?
237
00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:25,033
Seinfeld.
238
00:08:25,066 --> 00:08:26,500
We're with the FBI.
239
00:08:26,533 --> 00:08:28,300
Want to tell us
about your cable hook up?
240
00:08:28,333 --> 00:08:30,966
My cable hook up? What about it?
241
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:33,033
It's been illegally installed,
Mr. Steinfeld.
242
00:08:33,066 --> 00:08:35,900
It has? I've been out of town.
How did you know?
243
00:08:35,933 --> 00:08:39,866
Hey, Jerry, I had
to tell them.
244
00:08:39,900 --> 00:08:41,533
I had to.
I had no choice.
245
00:08:41,566 --> 00:08:41,613
Ah, they were onto the scam
from the very beginning.
246
00:08:41,613 --> 00:08:44,866
Ah, they were onto the scam
from the very beginning.
247
00:08:44,900 --> 00:08:47,066
You're in very serious trouble,
Mr. Steinfeld.
248
00:08:47,100 --> 00:08:49,066
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Hold on.
249
00:08:49,100 --> 00:08:50,500
We're just patsies.
250
00:08:50,533 --> 00:08:52,733
We're just a couple of users.
We never sold the stuff.
251
00:08:52,766 --> 00:08:54,300
What about the Russian guy?
252
00:08:54,333 --> 00:08:55,700
The Russian guy's
the guy you want.
253
00:08:55,733 --> 00:08:57,066
Mr. Seinfeld?
254
00:08:57,100 --> 00:08:59,566
Agent Stone, FBI undercover.
255
00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:05,833
No, Jerry!
256
00:09:05,866 --> 00:09:07,666
[GUNSHOTS, CROCKERY BREAKING]
257
00:09:12,366 --> 00:09:13,733
[SCREAMS]
258
00:09:22,566 --> 00:09:24,500
No!
259
00:09:29,233 --> 00:09:32,200
Cable boy...
260
00:09:32,233 --> 00:09:35,133
Cable boy?
261
00:09:35,166 --> 00:09:38,433
What have you done
to my little cable boy?
262
00:09:45,733 --> 00:09:47,333
Excuse me, can I get
something to drink?
263
00:09:47,366 --> 00:09:48,433
I'm afraid not.
264
00:09:50,933 --> 00:09:52,033
Well, what's with this airline?
265
00:09:52,066 --> 00:09:53,633
What, are you cutting out
the drinks now?
266
00:09:53,666 --> 00:09:56,533
No, sir,
we're flying into a blizzard.
267
00:09:56,566 --> 00:09:57,966
Please fasten your seat belt.
268
00:09:58,000 --> 00:09:59,200
We're making
an emergency landing.
269
00:10:02,233 --> 00:10:05,833
Are they gonna go over
the instructions again?
270
00:10:05,866 --> 00:10:08,533
My name is Bill.
271
00:10:08,566 --> 00:10:11,613
I might be the last person
you ever see.
272
00:10:11,613 --> 00:10:12,166
I might be the last person
you ever see.
273
00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:20,533
Not afraid of flying.
274
00:10:20,566 --> 00:10:22,133
Although, many people do have
fear of flying,
275
00:10:22,166 --> 00:10:24,800
and, uh,
I have no argument with that.
276
00:10:24,833 --> 00:10:26,700
I think fear of flying
is quite rational
277
00:10:26,733 --> 00:10:29,233
because human beings cannot fly.
278
00:10:29,266 --> 00:10:32,033
Humans have fear of flying
279
00:10:32,066 --> 00:10:35,300
the same way
fish have fear of driving.
280
00:10:35,333 --> 00:10:41,166
You put a fish behind the wheel,
and they go, "This isn't right.
281
00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:44,466
"I shouldn't be doing this.
282
00:10:44,500 --> 00:10:46,233
I don't belong here."
283
00:10:49,266 --> 00:10:50,500
GEORGE:
Sounds like a rough trip.
284
00:10:50,533 --> 00:10:52,066
Oh, there were
fire engines,
285
00:10:52,100 --> 00:10:54,366
ambulances
all along the runway,
286
00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:55,566
and then
when we landed safely,
287
00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:58,666
they all seemed
so disappointed.
288
00:10:58,700 --> 00:10:59,966
So the college
canceled the gig?
289
00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:02,200
Oh, there was so much snow,
the roads were closed.
290
00:11:02,233 --> 00:11:03,633
I really appreciate you
picking me up.
291
00:11:03,666 --> 00:11:04,633
Thanks again.
292
00:11:04,666 --> 00:11:05,633
Ah, forget it.
293
00:11:05,666 --> 00:11:07,400
No, really, an airport run.
294
00:11:07,433 --> 00:11:09,666
It's nothing.
295
00:11:09,700 --> 00:11:11,233
No, it's one thing
if I asked you,
296
00:11:11,266 --> 00:11:13,700
"Could you do me a favor?"
but to suggest it...
297
00:11:13,733 --> 00:11:16,700
When you told me what you
went through on the plane,
298
00:11:16,733 --> 00:11:17,492
it makes you stop and think.
299
00:11:17,492 --> 00:11:18,033
it makes you stop and think.
300
00:11:18,066 --> 00:11:21,366
I appreciate having
a real friend.
301
00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:23,866
You know, if Richie Brandis
did this, I'd be suspicious.
302
00:11:23,900 --> 00:11:25,566
You know, he's always got
some ulterior motive.
303
00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:27,133
[GIGGLES NERVOUSLY]
304
00:11:27,166 --> 00:11:28,700
Ulterior motive...
305
00:11:28,733 --> 00:11:30,366
[SNORTS]
306
00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:31,800
Oh, wait a minute,
wait a minute.
307
00:11:31,833 --> 00:11:33,200
Don't take the bridge,
get off here.
308
00:11:33,233 --> 00:11:34,566
We can't go back
to my place.
309
00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:35,733
Elaine's having
the shower.
310
00:11:35,766 --> 00:11:37,000
What, tonight? Now?
311
00:11:37,033 --> 00:11:39,000
Yeah, yeah.
I forgot all about it. Uh...
312
00:11:39,033 --> 00:11:41,500
All right, it's no big deal.
We'll go back to your place.
313
00:11:41,533 --> 00:11:44,233
My place?
No, no, no, I hate my place.
314
00:11:44,266 --> 00:11:46,066
I don't want to go back
to my place
315
00:11:46,100 --> 00:11:47,492
Well, you want
to get a bite?
316
00:11:47,492 --> 00:11:47,566
Well, you want
to get a bite?
317
00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:49,033
Well, yeah, I would,
318
00:11:49,066 --> 00:11:51,600
it's just I, you know,
I just ate a whole pot roast.
319
00:11:53,233 --> 00:11:56,233
Well, so what should we do?
320
00:11:56,266 --> 00:11:59,033
Well, shouldn't we at least
drop off your bag?
321
00:12:01,433 --> 00:12:03,533
Red shirt!
Red shirt!
322
00:12:03,566 --> 00:12:05,700
That's the red shirt!
What are you talking about?
323
00:12:05,733 --> 00:12:08,533
You're wearing
the chocolate shirt!
324
00:12:08,566 --> 00:12:10,166
I am. What a strange
coincidence.
325
00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:13,366
Ah-ha! Nice try, my friend,
326
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:16,233
but you got to get up
pretty early in the morning.
327
00:12:16,266 --> 00:12:17,492
You gotta let me
go over there.
328
00:12:17,492 --> 00:12:17,666
You gotta let me
go over there.
329
00:12:17,700 --> 00:12:18,866
What are you gonna do,
330
00:12:18,900 --> 00:12:21,333
badger a pregnant woman
at her own baby shower?
331
00:12:21,366 --> 00:12:24,133
Are you gonna take it off and
make her rinse it in club soda?
332
00:12:24,166 --> 00:12:26,333
No, I'm gonna hold it
under her nose,
333
00:12:26,366 --> 00:12:28,166
so she can smell
the scent of stale Bosco
334
00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:30,333
that I had to live with
for three years.
335
00:12:30,366 --> 00:12:31,700
I'm gonna say, "Remember
this shirt, baby?
336
00:12:31,733 --> 00:12:34,033
Well, now...
it's payback time!"
337
00:12:36,500 --> 00:12:38,366
[QUIET CONVERSATIONS]
338
00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:41,166
We just bought an apartment
on Riverside Drive.
339
00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:44,633
Bernard Goetz's mother
used to live there.
340
00:12:44,666 --> 00:12:46,700
So where's Todd?
341
00:12:46,733 --> 00:12:47,492
Up in Hyannis Port.
342
00:12:47,492 --> 00:12:47,900
Up in Hyannis Port.
343
00:12:47,933 --> 00:12:49,166
[GASPS]
344
00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:50,966
Oh, my God.
Hyannis Port?
345
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:52,366
With the Kennedys?
346
00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:54,200
Who else is up there?
Is Rose up there?
347
00:12:54,233 --> 00:12:55,333
Ah, ha, ha.
348
00:12:55,366 --> 00:12:57,166
So when's
your due date?
349
00:12:57,200 --> 00:12:59,633
March 20th, 9:00 a.m.
350
00:12:59,666 --> 00:13:01,700
You know the time?
351
00:13:01,733 --> 00:13:02,833
I'm having
a planned C-section.
352
00:13:02,866 --> 00:13:04,033
My therapist told me
353
00:13:04,066 --> 00:13:06,900
if I go through labor
I might get psychotic.
354
00:13:06,933 --> 00:13:08,366
Uh, Leslie, Leslie,
355
00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:10,166
what ever happened
to Sergeant Shriver?
356
00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:11,866
Is-- is he still
with them?
357
00:13:11,900 --> 00:13:13,466
You don't hear much
about him these days.
358
00:13:13,500 --> 00:13:16,133
Is he, like,
out of the loop, or...
359
00:13:16,166 --> 00:13:17,492
Elaine, who catered this,
Sears?
360
00:13:17,492 --> 00:13:18,633
Elaine, who catered this,
Sears?
361
00:13:18,666 --> 00:13:19,733
[LAUGHS]
362
00:13:25,900 --> 00:13:28,033
What is this?
What are you doing here?
363
00:13:28,066 --> 00:13:29,966
Ah, we're putting
in the cable.
364
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:32,366
I'm having a party here.
You can't do this now.
365
00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:35,533
Oh, we have to do this now.
366
00:13:35,566 --> 00:13:36,700
Who is this guy?
367
00:13:36,733 --> 00:13:37,733
KRAMER:
Well, which one?
368
00:13:37,766 --> 00:13:38,900
ELAINE: Both of them.
369
00:13:38,933 --> 00:13:41,133
KRAMER: Oh, they're
Soviet cable guys.
370
00:13:41,166 --> 00:13:43,033
Okay.
Does Jerry know about this?
371
00:13:43,066 --> 00:13:45,633
Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's all authorized. Yeah.
372
00:13:45,666 --> 00:13:47,492
Well, you can't.
You can't do this now.
373
00:13:47,492 --> 00:13:49,000
Well, you can't.
You can't do this now.
374
00:13:49,033 --> 00:13:51,633
Elaine, do you know
how booked up this guy is?
375
00:13:51,666 --> 00:13:53,366
If I send him away now,
376
00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:55,500
it's gonna take Jerry
months to get him back.
377
00:13:55,533 --> 00:13:56,833
He won't like that.
378
00:13:56,866 --> 00:14:00,300
All right. Just do it fast,
and then get out.
379
00:14:00,333 --> 00:14:02,700
All right. Anatole?
380
00:14:02,733 --> 00:14:03,900
Giddy up. Go.
381
00:14:06,066 --> 00:14:08,333
Look, it's only gonna take
a few minutes.
382
00:14:08,366 --> 00:14:10,333
Then you and the gals
can take a load off
383
00:14:10,366 --> 00:14:12,566
and watch something on Lifetime.
384
00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:17,492
And what if
we go up there?
385
00:14:17,492 --> 00:14:17,800
And what if
we go up there?
386
00:14:17,833 --> 00:14:19,700
What are you
gonna say to her?
387
00:14:19,733 --> 00:14:21,133
What am I gonna say?
388
00:14:21,166 --> 00:14:23,900
Yeah.
389
00:14:23,933 --> 00:14:26,466
What did you go out with me for?
390
00:14:26,500 --> 00:14:28,133
Just to dump chocolate
on my shirt,
391
00:14:28,166 --> 00:14:30,700
and then dump me altogether?
392
00:14:30,733 --> 00:14:33,200
I don't deserve
that kind of treatment.
393
00:14:33,233 --> 00:14:35,166
You don't have
the common courtesy
394
00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:38,133
to return my calls?
To apologize?
395
00:14:38,166 --> 00:14:39,966
You think
I'm some sort of a loser
396
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:42,733
that likes to be abused
and ignored?
397
00:14:42,766 --> 00:14:46,200
Whose shirt can be ruined
without financial restitution?
398
00:14:46,233 --> 00:14:47,492
Some sort of
a masochist
399
00:14:47,492 --> 00:14:48,133
Some sort of
a masochist
400
00:14:48,166 --> 00:14:49,400
who enjoys being
humiliated?
401
00:14:49,433 --> 00:14:52,400
You think you can just avoid me?
402
00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:54,033
Like I have
some sort of a disease?
403
00:14:54,066 --> 00:14:56,500
You have the disease!
You have the disease!
404
00:14:56,533 --> 00:14:58,000
You may be beautiful and rich
405
00:14:58,033 --> 00:15:00,333
and physically
just unbelievable,
406
00:15:00,366 --> 00:15:01,533
but you sicken me.
407
00:15:01,566 --> 00:15:04,900
You disgust me!
You and everyone like you!
408
00:15:04,933 --> 00:15:07,133
You'll never say that
to her face.
409
00:15:07,166 --> 00:15:09,066
Watch me.
410
00:15:09,100 --> 00:15:12,700
Yeah, I eat the whole apple--
core, stem, seeds...
411
00:15:12,733 --> 00:15:14,000
just everything.
412
00:15:16,233 --> 00:15:17,492
Kramer...
Kramer, look at him.
413
00:15:17,492 --> 00:15:17,733
Kramer...
Kramer, look at him.
414
00:15:17,766 --> 00:15:20,566
Look, he's eating
all the food.
415
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:22,166
Yeah, yeah.
416
00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:24,133
Well, you know,
there are many differences
417
00:15:24,166 --> 00:15:25,966
between American
and Soviet cultures
418
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:27,300
that you're not aware of.
419
00:15:27,333 --> 00:15:29,066
See, in Russia,
420
00:15:29,100 --> 00:15:32,533
the cable guy, oh, they got
the whole run of the house.
421
00:15:32,566 --> 00:15:34,533
Yeah, that--
That's tradition. Yeah.
422
00:15:34,566 --> 00:15:38,300
You ever eat the bark
off of a pineapple?
423
00:15:38,333 --> 00:15:40,400
[ARGUING IN RUSSIAN]
424
00:15:40,433 --> 00:15:42,600
Kramer! Kramer!
Kramer! Kramer!
425
00:15:45,833 --> 00:15:47,492
Hey... Wow, man.
426
00:15:47,492 --> 00:15:47,866
Hey... Wow, man.
427
00:15:47,900 --> 00:15:49,333
[MUTTERING IN RUSSIAN]
428
00:15:51,833 --> 00:15:53,366
[SHOUTING IN RUSSIAN]
429
00:16:01,566 --> 00:16:02,700
What are you doing here?
430
00:16:02,733 --> 00:16:04,133
I thought you were out of town.
431
00:16:04,166 --> 00:16:05,900
The show was canceled.
There was a blizzard.
432
00:16:05,933 --> 00:16:07,866
I can't believe you told Kramer
433
00:16:07,900 --> 00:16:11,500
it's okay to put cable in
during the shower, Jerry.
434
00:16:11,533 --> 00:16:13,033
Look, look,
they've eaten everything.
435
00:16:13,066 --> 00:16:14,066
Jerry,
what a surprise.
436
00:16:14,100 --> 00:16:15,500
I thought
you were out of town.
437
00:16:15,533 --> 00:16:17,492
Well, Leslie, sometimes
the road less traveled is...
438
00:16:17,492 --> 00:16:19,366
Well, Leslie, sometimes
the road less traveled is...
439
00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:20,866
less traveled for a reason.
440
00:16:24,166 --> 00:16:26,533
George,
don't even think about it.
441
00:16:26,566 --> 00:16:28,966
Don't even
dream about it.
442
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:30,333
About what?
443
00:16:30,366 --> 00:16:32,466
Kramer! Kramer!
444
00:16:32,500 --> 00:16:33,400
Hey.
Hey.
445
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:49,033
Leslie...
446
00:16:50,366 --> 00:16:51,366
Yeah?
447
00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:54,000
George...
448
00:16:57,366 --> 00:16:58,900
George Costanza.
449
00:16:58,933 --> 00:17:01,000
Hi.
450
00:17:05,766 --> 00:17:08,966
I guess
you don't remember me,
451
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:13,033
but we actually went out
a couple years ago.
452
00:17:13,066 --> 00:17:14,666
Once.
453
00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:16,466
Remember?
454
00:17:16,500 --> 00:17:17,492
Vaguely.
455
00:17:17,492 --> 00:17:17,833
Vaguely.
456
00:17:17,866 --> 00:17:20,700
Yeah. You took me
to see one of your shows.
457
00:17:20,733 --> 00:17:21,700
[CHUCKLES]
458
00:17:21,733 --> 00:17:22,966
And?
459
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:26,866
And, um...
460
00:17:26,900 --> 00:17:29,000
it was quite good.
461
00:17:29,033 --> 00:17:33,133
In fact, you even
incorporated me into the show.
462
00:17:33,166 --> 00:17:35,566
I'm not actually a performer,
463
00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:38,400
although my parents
felt I had talent.
464
00:17:38,433 --> 00:17:39,466
Jerry?
465
00:17:39,500 --> 00:17:42,400
Remember me?
466
00:17:42,433 --> 00:17:43,700
I'm sorry...
467
00:17:43,733 --> 00:17:45,533
Mary Contardi.
468
00:17:45,566 --> 00:17:47,492
No? Doesn't ring a bell, Jerry?
469
00:17:47,492 --> 00:17:48,033
No? Doesn't ring a bell, Jerry?
470
00:17:48,066 --> 00:17:49,533
We had a date
three years ago.
471
00:17:49,566 --> 00:17:51,133
You took me
to one of your shows.
472
00:17:51,166 --> 00:17:52,700
Oh, I-- I think I remember.
473
00:17:52,733 --> 00:17:55,533
Told me you had a great time.
Said you'd call me the next day.
474
00:17:55,566 --> 00:17:57,966
Well, I'm sure I meant to call.
I probably just lost your--
475
00:17:58,000 --> 00:17:58,966
Liar!
476
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:00,300
Liar!
477
00:18:00,333 --> 00:18:02,566
You were never going
to call me!
478
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:04,566
You thought you could waltz
through the rest of life
479
00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:05,800
and never bump
into me again,
480
00:18:05,833 --> 00:18:08,033
but you were wrong, Jerry!
You were wrong!
481
00:18:08,066 --> 00:18:09,400
I--I...
482
00:18:09,433 --> 00:18:11,300
What do you think,
I'm a poor pathetic wretch?
483
00:18:11,333 --> 00:18:12,666
I didn't think that--
484
00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:14,466
WOMAN: Some person who could be
dismissed and ignored?
485
00:18:14,500 --> 00:18:15,900
Some insignificant
piece of dust?
486
00:18:15,933 --> 00:18:17,492
Some person who doesn't deserve
your respect and your attention?
487
00:18:17,492 --> 00:18:18,666
Some person who doesn't deserve
your respect and your attention?
488
00:18:18,700 --> 00:18:19,966
Well, you're the one
489
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:21,900
that doesn't deserve
my respect and my attention!
490
00:18:21,933 --> 00:18:24,566
You're the insignificant
piece of dust!
491
00:18:33,233 --> 00:18:35,900
Actually, I never had
any formal training.
492
00:18:35,933 --> 00:18:37,900
I guess I'd be
better suited for improvs--
493
00:18:37,933 --> 00:18:39,700
Oh!
494
00:18:39,733 --> 00:18:42,000
Thanks a lot.
495
00:18:47,066 --> 00:18:47,492
Oh, bye.
496
00:18:47,492 --> 00:18:48,300
Oh, bye.
497
00:18:48,333 --> 00:18:50,500
I'm so sorry
you have to go.
498
00:18:50,533 --> 00:18:52,133
Yeah, I really
have to be going.
499
00:18:52,166 --> 00:18:53,366
All right, listen,
500
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:55,000
I've changed my mind
about this whole thing.
501
00:18:55,033 --> 00:18:56,000
I don't want the cable.
502
00:18:56,033 --> 00:18:57,333
Look, Jerry,
don't be a fool.
503
00:18:57,366 --> 00:18:58,366
You don't want?
504
00:18:58,400 --> 00:18:59,666
No, I don't want.
505
00:18:59,700 --> 00:19:02,833
So just tell what I owe you
for your trouble, and...
506
00:19:02,866 --> 00:19:04,666
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
507
00:19:08,066 --> 00:19:09,266
$400.
508
00:19:14,033 --> 00:19:16,366
$400.
509
00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:17,492
You told me 150.
510
00:19:17,492 --> 00:19:18,900
You told me 150.
511
00:19:18,933 --> 00:19:21,666
Well...
512
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:25,133
I'm going.
513
00:19:25,166 --> 00:19:26,533
Obviously.
514
00:19:26,566 --> 00:19:29,566
Oh, Leslie, I am so sorry
515
00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:31,000
about everything that went on
here tonight.
516
00:19:31,033 --> 00:19:32,200
You know,
I had no idea--
517
00:19:32,233 --> 00:19:33,833
Elaine, you know,
I was watching you tonight,
518
00:19:33,866 --> 00:19:35,000
and I realized something.
519
00:19:35,033 --> 00:19:36,533
You're just like
you were in college.
520
00:19:36,566 --> 00:19:39,566
Oh... Thank you.
521
00:19:42,866 --> 00:19:45,533
What was I like in college?
522
00:19:45,566 --> 00:19:46,766
Come on, let's go.
523
00:19:58,333 --> 00:19:59,900
I'll be right back.
524
00:20:01,566 --> 00:20:04,300
I'm not paying $400.
525
00:20:04,333 --> 00:20:06,500
I don't even want the thing.
526
00:20:06,533 --> 00:20:07,766
What are you gonna do?
527
00:20:18,066 --> 00:20:20,400
Every woman
on the face of the earth
528
00:20:20,433 --> 00:20:23,533
has complete control
of my life...
529
00:20:23,566 --> 00:20:27,866
and yet I want them all.
530
00:20:27,900 --> 00:20:29,700
Is that irony?
531
00:20:29,733 --> 00:20:30,866
[SIGHS]
532
00:20:30,900 --> 00:20:34,866
Why can't I meet a Kennedy?
533
00:20:34,900 --> 00:20:38,466
I saw John Junior once downtown.
I was on a bus.
534
00:20:38,500 --> 00:20:42,466
I hit the... ding.
535
00:20:42,500 --> 00:20:44,733
It didn't stop.
536
00:20:44,766 --> 00:20:47,492
All right, I said I had
a good time and I'd call, but...
537
00:20:47,492 --> 00:20:47,966
All right, I said I had
a good time and I'd call, but...
538
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:51,533
who takes that literally?
539
00:20:51,566 --> 00:20:53,400
Hey, come on over.
540
00:20:53,433 --> 00:20:55,433
Doctor Zhivago's on cable
in five minutes.
541
00:20:57,566 --> 00:20:59,900
I'm making popcorn.
542
00:21:02,233 --> 00:21:05,000
What do you do
at the end of a date,
543
00:21:05,033 --> 00:21:09,466
when you know you don't want
to see this person ever again
544
00:21:09,500 --> 00:21:11,333
for the rest of your life?
545
00:21:11,366 --> 00:21:14,033
What do you say?
What do you say?
546
00:21:14,066 --> 00:21:17,492
It doesn't-- No matter
what you say, it's a lie.
547
00:21:17,492 --> 00:21:18,400
It doesn't-- No matter
what you say, it's a lie.
548
00:21:18,433 --> 00:21:20,500
"I'll see you around."
549
00:21:20,533 --> 00:21:24,033
See you around.
550
00:21:24,066 --> 00:21:26,366
If you're around,
and I'm around,
551
00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:31,033
I'll see you around that area.
552
00:21:31,066 --> 00:21:34,733
You'll be around other people,
you won't be around me,
553
00:21:34,766 --> 00:21:38,400
but you will be around.
554
00:21:38,433 --> 00:21:40,233
"Take care now."
555
00:21:40,266 --> 00:21:41,800
Ever say that to somebody?
556
00:21:41,833 --> 00:21:44,700
"Take care now."
557
00:21:44,733 --> 00:21:46,700
Take care...
558
00:21:46,733 --> 00:21:47,492
Now.
559
00:21:47,492 --> 00:21:49,633
Now.
560
00:21:49,666 --> 00:21:52,533
Because I'm not gonna
be taking care of you.
561
00:21:52,566 --> 00:21:55,866
So you should take care now.
562
00:21:55,900 --> 00:21:57,633
"Take care, take care."
563
00:21:57,666 --> 00:21:59,700
What does that mean?
"Take care."
564
00:21:59,733 --> 00:22:03,200
"Take off." Isn't that
what you really want to say?
565
00:22:03,233 --> 00:22:05,166
"Take off now."
566
00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:07,000
Get out of here.
567
00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:20,266
[♪]