1
00:00:01,340 --> 00:00:02,774
I was watching women
2
00:00:02,807 --> 00:00:04,774
in the department store
the other day trying on clothes,
3
00:00:04,807 --> 00:00:06,774
and I noticed that they do it
differently from men.
4
00:00:06,807 --> 00:00:09,540
Women don't try on the clothes,
5
00:00:09,574 --> 00:00:12,707
they get behind the clothes,
you see?
6
00:00:12,740 --> 00:00:15,107
They take a dress off the rack,
7
00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:18,774
and they hold it up
against themselves.
8
00:00:18,807 --> 00:00:20,207
They can tell something
from this.
9
00:00:20,240 --> 00:00:24,107
They stick one leg way out.
10
00:00:24,140 --> 00:00:25,474
Because they need to know
11
00:00:25,507 --> 00:00:28,107
if someday I'm one-legged
at a 45-degree angle,
12
00:00:28,140 --> 00:00:29,940
what am I going to wear?
13
00:00:29,974 --> 00:00:30,000
You never see a man do that.
14
00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:31,607
You never see a man do that.
15
00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:33,774
You never see a guy
take a suit off the rack,
16
00:00:33,807 --> 00:00:35,407
put his head in the neck and go,
17
00:00:35,440 --> 00:00:36,774
"What do you think
about this suit?
18
00:00:36,807 --> 00:00:38,407
"I think I'll get it.
Yeah, looks fine.
19
00:00:38,440 --> 00:00:40,274
"Put some shoes
by the bottom of the pants.
20
00:00:40,307 --> 00:00:41,440
"I wanna make sure.
21
00:00:41,474 --> 00:00:42,807
"Yeah, perfect.
Now, what if I'm walking?
22
00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:46,507
Move the shoes, move the shoes,
move the shoes, move the shoes."
23
00:00:52,974 --> 00:00:54,574
[CHANGING TELEVISION CHANNELS]
24
00:00:54,607 --> 00:00:55,940
What are you doing?
25
00:00:55,974 --> 00:00:57,607
All right.
All right!
26
00:00:57,640 --> 00:00:59,440
What's the matter
with that?
27
00:00:59,474 --> 00:01:00,000
What about that one?
28
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:00,574
What about that one?
29
00:01:00,607 --> 00:01:04,240
Robert Vaughn,
The Helsinki Formula?
30
00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:07,640
He was good in
Man From U.N.C.L.E.
31
00:01:07,674 --> 00:01:12,474
Guess whose birthday
is coming up soon?
32
00:01:12,507 --> 00:01:14,107
I know. I know.
33
00:01:14,140 --> 00:01:15,874
I'm having my root canal
the same week.
34
00:01:15,907 --> 00:01:19,307
Oh, right. I hope you got
a good oral surgeon,
35
00:01:19,340 --> 00:01:22,407
because that can be
very serious.
36
00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:28,974
Hey, look it,
naked people.
37
00:01:29,007 --> 00:01:30,000
No, I don't wanna see
the naked people.
38
00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:31,140
No, I don't wanna see
the naked people.
39
00:01:31,174 --> 00:01:32,807
Been a while?
40
00:01:35,174 --> 00:01:37,107
I have a vague
recollection
41
00:01:37,140 --> 00:01:38,974
of doing something
with someone,
42
00:01:39,007 --> 00:01:40,974
but it was a long,
long time ago.
43
00:01:41,007 --> 00:01:45,540
I think my last time
was in Rochester.
44
00:01:45,574 --> 00:01:48,207
My hair was a lot shorter.
45
00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:52,974
I remember
that it's a good thing...
46
00:01:53,007 --> 00:01:57,074
and someday,
I hope to do it again.
47
00:02:04,907 --> 00:02:06,440
What?
48
00:02:06,474 --> 00:02:07,707
What?
49
00:02:07,740 --> 00:02:09,907
What was that look?
50
00:02:09,940 --> 00:02:12,474
What look?
51
00:02:12,507 --> 00:02:13,707
The look you just gave me.
52
00:02:13,740 --> 00:02:15,474
I gave a look?
Yes.
53
00:02:15,507 --> 00:02:17,074
What kind of a look?
54
00:02:17,107 --> 00:02:18,740
I know that look.
55
00:02:18,774 --> 00:02:19,907
So what was it?
56
00:02:19,940 --> 00:02:21,374
Why should I tell you?
57
00:02:21,407 --> 00:02:25,074
Well, you're the big
look expert.
58
00:02:25,107 --> 00:02:26,640
I want to see how smart you are.
59
00:02:26,674 --> 00:02:30,000
Trust me. I know the look.
60
00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:30,774
Trust me. I know the look.
61
00:02:34,907 --> 00:02:35,940
So?
62
00:02:35,974 --> 00:02:37,040
What?
63
00:02:37,074 --> 00:02:38,440
What about the look?
64
00:02:38,474 --> 00:02:39,474
I don't know.
65
00:02:39,507 --> 00:02:41,407
You got something on your mind?
66
00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:43,474
No.
67
00:02:43,507 --> 00:02:45,640
Things pop into your head.
68
00:02:45,674 --> 00:02:46,874
You?
69
00:02:46,907 --> 00:02:49,907
Things occur to me
from time to time.
70
00:02:49,940 --> 00:02:52,240
Yeah. Me too.
71
00:02:55,807 --> 00:02:57,074
Well, you can't expect
72
00:02:57,107 --> 00:02:59,740
to just forget
the past completely.
73
00:02:59,774 --> 00:03:00,000
Well, no, of course not.
74
00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:01,574
Well, no, of course not.
75
00:03:01,607 --> 00:03:04,640
I mean, it's something we did.
76
00:03:04,674 --> 00:03:08,140
Probably about...
what, 25 times.
77
00:03:08,174 --> 00:03:09,807
37.
78
00:03:13,474 --> 00:03:19,140
Yeah, we pretty much know
what we're doing in there.
79
00:03:19,174 --> 00:03:21,074
We know the terrain.
80
00:03:21,107 --> 00:03:22,640
No big surprises.
81
00:03:22,674 --> 00:03:24,640
Nope.
82
00:03:29,340 --> 00:03:30,000
What do you think?
83
00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:30,774
What do you think?
84
00:03:30,807 --> 00:03:32,774
I don't know.
What do you think?
85
00:03:32,807 --> 00:03:35,574
Well, it's something
to consider.
86
00:03:35,607 --> 00:03:36,607
Yeah.
87
00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:39,374
I mean, let's say...
88
00:03:39,407 --> 00:03:41,607
what if... we did?
89
00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:42,907
What if?
90
00:03:42,940 --> 00:03:45,274
Is that like the end
of the world or something?
91
00:03:45,307 --> 00:03:46,307
Certainly not.
92
00:03:46,340 --> 00:03:47,774
Why shouldn't we be able
93
00:03:47,807 --> 00:03:49,940
to do that once in a while
if we want to?
94
00:03:49,974 --> 00:03:50,974
I know!
95
00:03:51,007 --> 00:03:53,107
I mean, really,
what is the big deal?
96
00:03:53,140 --> 00:03:54,974
We go in there.
97
00:03:55,007 --> 00:03:57,107
We're in there
for a while,
98
00:03:57,140 --> 00:03:58,440
then we come back
out here.
99
00:03:58,474 --> 00:04:00,000
That's not complicated.
100
00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:00,274
That's not complicated.
101
00:04:00,307 --> 00:04:02,407
It's almost stupid if we didn't.
102
00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:03,640
It's moronic.
103
00:04:03,674 --> 00:04:05,507
Absurd!
104
00:04:06,907 --> 00:04:09,640
Of course...
105
00:04:09,674 --> 00:04:13,774
I guess maybe some little
problems could arise.
106
00:04:13,807 --> 00:04:14,907
There are always a few.
107
00:04:14,940 --> 00:04:16,707
I mean, if anything happened,
108
00:04:16,740 --> 00:04:20,274
and we couldn't be friends
the way we are now,
109
00:04:20,307 --> 00:04:21,540
that would really be bad.
110
00:04:21,574 --> 00:04:22,774
Devastating.
111
00:04:22,807 --> 00:04:28,440
Because this...
is very good.
112
00:04:28,474 --> 00:04:30,000
And that would be good.
113
00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:30,607
And that would be good.
114
00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:33,574
That would be good too.
115
00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:36,607
The idea is to combine
the this...
116
00:04:36,640 --> 00:04:38,807
and the that,
117
00:04:38,840 --> 00:04:41,740
but this cannot
be disturbed.
118
00:04:41,774 --> 00:04:44,440
Yeah, we just want
to take this...
119
00:04:44,474 --> 00:04:47,140
and... add that.
120
00:04:50,507 --> 00:04:53,307
But of course,
we'd have to figure out a way
121
00:04:53,340 --> 00:04:56,440
to avoid the things
that cause the little problems.
122
00:04:56,474 --> 00:04:57,940
Maybe some rules or something.
123
00:04:57,974 --> 00:04:59,240
Huh.
124
00:04:59,274 --> 00:05:00,000
For example...
125
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:02,774
For example...
126
00:05:02,807 --> 00:05:04,740
Now, I call you
whenever I'm inclined
127
00:05:04,774 --> 00:05:05,874
and vice versa...
Right.
128
00:05:05,907 --> 00:05:07,240
but if we did that,
129
00:05:07,274 --> 00:05:10,774
we might feel...
a certain obligation to call.
130
00:05:10,807 --> 00:05:14,240
Well, why should that be?
131
00:05:14,274 --> 00:05:16,974
Oh! I have an idea.
I have an idea.
132
00:05:17,007 --> 00:05:20,774
No calls the day after that.
133
00:05:20,807 --> 00:05:22,640
Beautiful.
134
00:05:22,674 --> 00:05:24,140
Let's make it a rule.
135
00:05:24,174 --> 00:05:25,840
All right, sir.
136
00:05:28,740 --> 00:05:30,000
Now, here's another
little rule.
137
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:30,274
Now, here's another
little rule.
138
00:05:30,307 --> 00:05:31,374
Yeah?
139
00:05:31,407 --> 00:05:33,440
When we see each other now,
140
00:05:33,474 --> 00:05:35,740
we retire
to our separate quarters,
141
00:05:35,774 --> 00:05:38,774
but sometimes when people
get involved with that,
142
00:05:38,807 --> 00:05:42,107
they feel pressure...
143
00:05:42,140 --> 00:05:44,474
to sleep over,
144
00:05:44,507 --> 00:05:47,807
when that...
is not really sleep.
145
00:05:50,307 --> 00:05:53,474
Sleep is separate from that,
146
00:05:53,507 --> 00:05:58,440
and I don't see why sleep
got all tied up
147
00:05:58,474 --> 00:06:00,000
and connected...
148
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:00,940
and connected...
149
00:06:00,974 --> 00:06:02,140
with that.
150
00:06:02,174 --> 00:06:05,774
Okay, okay, rule number two--
151
00:06:05,807 --> 00:06:08,174
spending the night is optional.
152
00:06:10,607 --> 00:06:12,807
Well, now
we're getting somewhere.
153
00:06:16,274 --> 00:06:17,774
Good.
154
00:06:17,807 --> 00:06:19,607
What about the kiss goodnight?
155
00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:21,740
Tough one.
156
00:06:21,774 --> 00:06:22,740
Your call.
157
00:06:24,774 --> 00:06:25,774
It's bourgeois.
158
00:06:25,807 --> 00:06:27,674
Fine.
159
00:06:29,340 --> 00:06:30,000
Well...
160
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:30,474
Well...
161
00:06:32,340 --> 00:06:33,640
Well...
162
00:06:38,674 --> 00:06:40,440
You ready?
163
00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:44,340
Ready.
164
00:06:51,174 --> 00:06:53,107
So you think
you can handle this?
165
00:06:53,140 --> 00:06:54,307
Definitely.
166
00:06:54,340 --> 00:06:55,674
[BANG]
167
00:07:00,949 --> 00:07:01,916
Hey.
168
00:07:01,949 --> 00:07:02,916
Hey.
169
00:07:02,949 --> 00:07:04,516
Get the paper?
170
00:07:04,549 --> 00:07:06,849
Not yet.
No paper.
171
00:07:06,882 --> 00:07:07,849
I haven't been out yet.
172
00:07:07,882 --> 00:07:11,182
Well, what's taking you so long?
173
00:07:14,282 --> 00:07:15,182
So... oh!
174
00:07:21,216 --> 00:07:22,282
Oh, yeah.
175
00:07:25,949 --> 00:07:27,916
What's the deal
with Aquaman?
176
00:07:27,949 --> 00:07:28,001
Could he go on the land,
177
00:07:28,001 --> 00:07:29,949
Could he go on the land,
178
00:07:29,982 --> 00:07:31,916
or was he just restricted
to water?
179
00:07:31,949 --> 00:07:34,649
No, I think I saw him on land
a couple times.
180
00:07:36,782 --> 00:07:39,582
So how's
the job situation going?
181
00:07:39,616 --> 00:07:41,249
Still looking.
182
00:07:41,282 --> 00:07:42,582
Pretty bad out there.
183
00:07:42,616 --> 00:07:43,749
What about you?
184
00:07:43,782 --> 00:07:46,049
Nothing much.
I slept with Elaine last night.
185
00:07:50,816 --> 00:07:53,682
Oxygen. I need some oxygen.
186
00:07:53,716 --> 00:07:54,849
This is major.
187
00:07:54,882 --> 00:07:55,849
I thought you'd like that.
188
00:07:55,882 --> 00:07:57,782
Oh, this is huge!
189
00:07:57,816 --> 00:07:58,001
I know.
190
00:07:58,001 --> 00:07:59,016
I know.
191
00:07:59,049 --> 00:08:01,282
All right, okay.
Let's go. Details.
192
00:08:01,316 --> 00:08:03,082
Nah, I can't give details.
193
00:08:03,116 --> 00:08:05,449
You what?
I can't give details.
194
00:08:05,482 --> 00:08:06,849
No details?
195
00:08:08,482 --> 00:08:10,116
I'm not in the mood.
196
00:08:12,316 --> 00:08:14,282
You ask me here to have lunch,
197
00:08:14,316 --> 00:08:16,616
tell me you slept with Elaine,
198
00:08:16,649 --> 00:08:20,116
and then say you're not
in the mood for details.
199
00:08:20,149 --> 00:08:22,782
Now, you listen to me.
200
00:08:22,816 --> 00:08:25,249
I want details,
and I want them right now.
201
00:08:25,282 --> 00:08:27,782
I don't have a job,
I have no place to go.
202
00:08:27,816 --> 00:08:28,001
You're not in the mood?
203
00:08:28,001 --> 00:08:29,249
You're not in the mood?
204
00:08:29,282 --> 00:08:32,482
Well, you get in the mood!
205
00:08:32,516 --> 00:08:35,849
All right. Okay.
206
00:08:35,882 --> 00:08:37,649
Well, we were in my apartment,
we're watching TV.
207
00:08:37,682 --> 00:08:39,449
Where were you sitting?
On the couch.
208
00:08:39,482 --> 00:08:40,949
Next to each other?
No, separate.
209
00:08:40,982 --> 00:08:42,616
Time?
Around 11:00.
210
00:08:42,649 --> 00:08:44,949
Okay, go ahead.
211
00:08:44,982 --> 00:08:48,449
So she's flipping around the TV,
212
00:08:48,482 --> 00:08:49,916
and she gets
to the naked station.
213
00:08:49,949 --> 00:08:53,349
Oh... See, that's why
I don't have cable in my house,
214
00:08:53,382 --> 00:08:55,116
because of that naked station.
215
00:08:55,149 --> 00:08:58,001
If I had that in my house,
I would never turn it off.
216
00:08:58,001 --> 00:08:58,782
If I had that in my house,
I would never turn it off.
217
00:08:58,816 --> 00:09:00,649
I wouldn't sleep,
I wouldn't eat.
218
00:09:00,682 --> 00:09:02,782
Eventually firemen would have
to break through the door.
219
00:09:02,816 --> 00:09:04,516
They'd find me sitting there
in my pajamas
220
00:09:04,549 --> 00:09:06,282
with drool coming down my face.
221
00:09:06,316 --> 00:09:07,449
All right, all right,
222
00:09:07,482 --> 00:09:08,816
so you're watching
the naked station.
223
00:09:08,849 --> 00:09:11,482
And then...
224
00:09:11,516 --> 00:09:14,816
somehow we started talking about
what if we had sex.
225
00:09:16,649 --> 00:09:18,649
Boy, these are really
bad details.
226
00:09:18,682 --> 00:09:20,582
It pains me to say this,
227
00:09:20,616 --> 00:09:22,649
but I may be getting too mature
for details.
228
00:09:22,682 --> 00:09:25,782
Oh, I hate to hear this.
229
00:09:25,816 --> 00:09:27,982
Any kind of growth
really irritates me.
230
00:09:28,016 --> 00:09:31,182
Well, I'll tell you, though,
it was really passionate.
231
00:09:31,216 --> 00:09:32,482
Better than before?
232
00:09:32,516 --> 00:09:36,482
She must have taken some kind of
seminar or something.
233
00:09:36,516 --> 00:09:39,349
This is all too much.
234
00:09:39,382 --> 00:09:41,282
So, what are you feeling,
what's going on?
235
00:09:41,316 --> 00:09:42,782
Are you, like,
a couple again now?
236
00:09:42,816 --> 00:09:43,849
Not exactly.
237
00:09:43,882 --> 00:09:45,349
Not exactly?
What does that mean?
238
00:09:45,382 --> 00:09:50,116
Well... we've tried
to arrange a situation
239
00:09:50,149 --> 00:09:52,782
where we'll be able to do this
once in a while
240
00:09:52,816 --> 00:09:53,916
and still be friends.
241
00:09:53,949 --> 00:09:57,282
[LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY]
242
00:10:01,882 --> 00:10:03,716
What?
243
00:10:05,682 --> 00:10:07,849
Where are you living?
244
00:10:07,882 --> 00:10:09,249
Are you here?
245
00:10:09,282 --> 00:10:11,082
Are you on this planet?
246
00:10:11,116 --> 00:10:13,782
It's impossible.
It can't be done.
247
00:10:13,816 --> 00:10:16,016
Thousands of years,
people have been trying
248
00:10:16,049 --> 00:10:17,616
to have their cake
and eat it too.
249
00:10:17,649 --> 00:10:18,749
So all of a sudden,
250
00:10:18,782 --> 00:10:20,949
the two of you are gonna
come along and do it.
251
00:10:20,982 --> 00:10:22,816
Where do you get the ego?
252
00:10:25,016 --> 00:10:27,282
No one can do it.
It can't be done.
253
00:10:27,316 --> 00:10:28,001
I think we've
worked out a system.
254
00:10:28,001 --> 00:10:28,649
I think we've
worked out a system.
255
00:10:28,682 --> 00:10:30,349
Oh, you know what you're like?
256
00:10:30,382 --> 00:10:32,449
You're like a pathetic gambler.
257
00:10:32,482 --> 00:10:34,249
One of these losers in Las Vegas
258
00:10:34,282 --> 00:10:36,249
who keeps thinking
he's gonna come up with a way
259
00:10:36,282 --> 00:10:37,249
to win at blackjack.
260
00:10:37,282 --> 00:10:39,116
No, this is very advanced.
261
00:10:39,149 --> 00:10:42,649
We've designed a set of rules...
262
00:10:42,682 --> 00:10:44,449
that we can maintain
the friendship
263
00:10:44,482 --> 00:10:46,782
by avoiding
all the relationship pitfalls.
264
00:10:46,816 --> 00:10:48,816
Sure.
All right, tell me the rules.
265
00:10:48,849 --> 00:10:51,116
Okay.
266
00:10:51,149 --> 00:10:53,816
No calls the next day.
267
00:10:56,116 --> 00:10:57,782
So you have the sex,
268
00:10:57,816 --> 00:10:58,001
the next day
you don't have to call.
269
00:10:58,001 --> 00:11:00,249
the next day
you don't have to call.
270
00:11:00,282 --> 00:11:04,116
That's pretty good.
271
00:11:04,149 --> 00:11:05,249
Go ahead.
272
00:11:05,282 --> 00:11:06,749
You ready for the second one?
273
00:11:06,782 --> 00:11:08,016
I have to tell you,
274
00:11:08,049 --> 00:11:10,449
I'm very impressed
with the first one.
275
00:11:10,482 --> 00:11:13,782
Spending the night...
276
00:11:13,816 --> 00:11:14,949
optional.
277
00:11:14,982 --> 00:11:18,416
No. No, you see? You got greedy.
278
00:11:18,449 --> 00:11:20,782
No, that's the rule.
It's optional.
279
00:11:20,816 --> 00:11:24,282
I know less about women...
280
00:11:24,316 --> 00:11:26,682
than anyone in the world,
281
00:11:26,716 --> 00:11:28,001
but the one thing I do know
282
00:11:28,001 --> 00:11:28,582
but the one thing I do know
283
00:11:28,616 --> 00:11:31,516
is that they are not happy
if you don't spend the night.
284
00:11:31,549 --> 00:11:35,682
It could be a hot, sweaty room
with no air conditioning,
285
00:11:35,716 --> 00:11:39,416
and all they have
is a little army cot this wide.
286
00:11:39,449 --> 00:11:41,349
You're not going anywhere.
287
00:11:41,382 --> 00:11:42,616
I think you're wrong.
288
00:11:42,649 --> 00:11:44,982
I hope I am.
289
00:11:48,282 --> 00:11:49,482
Is this yours
or the roommate's?
290
00:11:49,516 --> 00:11:50,616
The roommate's.
291
00:11:50,649 --> 00:11:51,782
Would she mind?
292
00:11:51,816 --> 00:11:53,582
She keeps track
of everything.
293
00:11:53,616 --> 00:11:56,482
Yes, well, that's too bad,
because I'm taking it.
294
00:11:56,516 --> 00:11:58,001
Thanks.
295
00:11:58,001 --> 00:11:58,282
Thanks.
296
00:11:58,316 --> 00:12:00,116
Well...
297
00:12:00,149 --> 00:12:01,649
guess I'll get going.
298
00:12:01,682 --> 00:12:03,682
Oh.
299
00:12:03,716 --> 00:12:05,616
Well, I've got that root canal
tomorrow morning.
300
00:12:05,649 --> 00:12:06,982
It'd be easier if I go home.
301
00:12:07,016 --> 00:12:08,449
Fine. Go ahead.
302
00:12:08,482 --> 00:12:10,616
I don't understand.
Is there a problem?
303
00:12:12,816 --> 00:12:14,982
I'm-I'm getting the impression
there's a problem.
304
00:12:16,482 --> 00:12:17,449
Just go.
305
00:12:17,482 --> 00:12:18,816
I'm having surgery tomorrow!
306
00:12:18,849 --> 00:12:20,482
Oh, surgery.
You're going to the dentist!
307
00:12:20,516 --> 00:12:22,616
But you said!
It could be very serious!
308
00:12:22,649 --> 00:12:25,116
Okay. So, fine. Go!
309
00:12:25,149 --> 00:12:26,416
What happened to the rules?
310
00:12:26,449 --> 00:12:28,001
Remember?
Sleeping over was optional.
311
00:12:28,001 --> 00:12:28,649
Remember?
Sleeping over was optional.
312
00:12:28,682 --> 00:12:30,082
Yeah, it's my house,
it's my option.
313
00:12:30,116 --> 00:12:32,082
It has nothing to do
with whose house it is.
314
00:12:32,116 --> 00:12:33,616
Oh, of course it does!
315
00:12:33,649 --> 00:12:35,116
Hi.
316
00:12:35,149 --> 00:12:36,182
Hi.
Hi.
317
00:12:36,216 --> 00:12:37,449
Hi, Jerry.
318
00:12:37,482 --> 00:12:38,949
Hi.
319
00:12:38,982 --> 00:12:40,316
Such a great
improv class tonight.
320
00:12:40,349 --> 00:12:41,449
Oh, really?
321
00:12:42,482 --> 00:12:45,082
I did this improv...
322
00:12:45,116 --> 00:12:46,616
where I pretended
323
00:12:46,649 --> 00:12:48,449
I was working
in one of those booths,
324
00:12:48,482 --> 00:12:49,949
you know,
in an amusement park
325
00:12:49,982 --> 00:12:51,782
where you shoot the water
in the clown's mouth,
326
00:12:51,816 --> 00:12:53,082
and you blow up
the balloon?
327
00:12:53,116 --> 00:12:57,282
Uh, Tina, could you excuse us
for just one second?
328
00:12:57,316 --> 00:12:58,001
Oh, yeah.
329
00:12:58,001 --> 00:13:00,149
Oh, yeah.
330
00:13:00,182 --> 00:13:02,882
I'll excuse you.
331
00:13:07,282 --> 00:13:08,849
What are you doing?
332
00:13:08,882 --> 00:13:10,082
I can't go if you're mad.
333
00:13:10,116 --> 00:13:11,616
I'm not mad.
334
00:13:11,649 --> 00:13:13,916
You still seem a little mad.
335
00:13:13,949 --> 00:13:17,649
No, no, Jerry, I'm fine.
Really, it's okay.
336
00:13:17,682 --> 00:13:20,116
So you're okay
with everything?
337
00:13:20,149 --> 00:13:22,016
Definitely. Are you?
338
00:13:22,049 --> 00:13:24,849
Definitely.
339
00:13:27,049 --> 00:13:28,001
Well... good night.
340
00:13:28,001 --> 00:13:29,649
Well... good night.
341
00:13:29,682 --> 00:13:31,316
Good ni--
What are you doing?
342
00:13:31,349 --> 00:13:32,316
What?
343
00:13:32,349 --> 00:13:34,616
The rules.
344
00:13:34,649 --> 00:13:37,349
Hey, who took my cake?
345
00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:47,714
What about jewelry?
That's a nice birthday gift.
346
00:13:47,747 --> 00:13:50,414
No, no, I have to be
very careful here.
347
00:13:50,447 --> 00:13:52,414
I don't want to send
the wrong message,
348
00:13:52,447 --> 00:13:53,914
especially after
the other night.
349
00:13:53,947 --> 00:13:55,880
Maybe I'll get her some jewelry.
350
00:13:55,914 --> 00:13:58,980
No, no, you can't get her
anything better than me.
351
00:13:59,014 --> 00:14:01,180
Whatever I spend,
you have to spend half.
352
00:14:01,214 --> 00:14:03,214
What am I supposed to get her,
Bazooka?
353
00:14:03,247 --> 00:14:07,180
You don't understand.
I'm in a very delicate position.
354
00:14:07,214 --> 00:14:10,147
Whatever I give her, she's gonna
be bringing in experts
355
00:14:10,180 --> 00:14:11,029
from all over the country
356
00:14:11,029 --> 00:14:11,214
from all over the country
357
00:14:11,247 --> 00:14:13,047
to interpret
the meaning behind it.
358
00:14:15,514 --> 00:14:16,514
What does she need?
359
00:14:16,547 --> 00:14:19,314
Maybe there's something
that she needs.
360
00:14:19,347 --> 00:14:23,680
I think I heard her say
something about a bench.
361
00:14:23,714 --> 00:14:25,880
A bench?
What kind of a bench?
362
00:14:25,914 --> 00:14:27,980
I don't know.
She mentioned a bench.
363
00:14:28,014 --> 00:14:30,380
What, like at a bus stop?
364
00:14:31,714 --> 00:14:32,847
I don't know.
365
00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:34,814
Like a park bench?
366
00:14:34,847 --> 00:14:36,047
I have no idea.
367
00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:37,480
Who puts a bench in the house?
368
00:14:37,514 --> 00:14:39,380
Forget the bench!
369
00:14:40,180 --> 00:14:41,029
I got it.
370
00:14:41,029 --> 00:14:41,214
I got it.
371
00:14:41,247 --> 00:14:42,647
You want to get her
something nice?
372
00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:43,647
What about
a music box?
373
00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:47,847
Nah, too relationship-y.
374
00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:50,714
She opens it up, she hears
that "Lara's Theme," I'm dead.
375
00:14:54,047 --> 00:14:56,680
Okay, what about a nice frame
376
00:14:56,714 --> 00:14:59,380
with a picture
of another guy in it?
377
00:14:59,414 --> 00:15:02,247
The frame says "I care for you,
but if you want to get serious,
378
00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:04,880
perhaps you'd be interested
in someone like this."
379
00:15:04,914 --> 00:15:06,880
Nice-looking fella.
380
00:15:06,914 --> 00:15:08,180
What about candle holders?
381
00:15:08,214 --> 00:15:09,347
Too romantic.
382
00:15:09,380 --> 00:15:10,514
Lingerie?
383
00:15:10,547 --> 00:15:11,029
Too sexual.
384
00:15:11,029 --> 00:15:11,547
Too sexual.
385
00:15:11,580 --> 00:15:13,680
Waffle maker?
386
00:15:13,714 --> 00:15:14,847
Too domestic.
387
00:15:16,714 --> 00:15:18,347
Bust of Nelson Rockefeller?
388
00:15:18,380 --> 00:15:20,847
Too... gubernatorial.
389
00:15:23,947 --> 00:15:26,047
Let's work on the card.
390
00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:28,047
I had to buy a gift for someone.
391
00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:29,680
The hardest part, to me,
is that card.
392
00:15:29,714 --> 00:15:30,847
That card is the killer.
393
00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:32,714
I never know
what it's supposed to say,
394
00:15:32,747 --> 00:15:34,480
and it's getting so tough
395
00:15:34,514 --> 00:15:36,347
because the relationships
are becoming so complicated,
396
00:15:36,380 --> 00:15:39,147
greeting card companies
now put out cards
397
00:15:39,180 --> 00:15:41,029
that are blank on the inside.
398
00:15:41,029 --> 00:15:41,347
that are blank on the inside.
399
00:15:41,380 --> 00:15:42,914
Nothing. No message.
400
00:15:42,947 --> 00:15:44,747
I mean, it's like
the card company says,
401
00:15:44,780 --> 00:15:48,047
"We give up. You think
of something," you know?
402
00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:50,914
"For 75 cents,
I don't want to get involved."
403
00:15:52,447 --> 00:15:53,547
Maybe you won't like it.
404
00:15:53,580 --> 00:15:54,980
Oh, how could I
not like it?
405
00:15:55,014 --> 00:15:56,014
Of course I'll like it.
406
00:15:56,047 --> 00:15:57,080
You could not like it.
407
00:15:57,114 --> 00:15:59,347
Just the fact
that you remembered
408
00:15:59,380 --> 00:16:00,914
means everything.
409
00:16:00,947 --> 00:16:02,747
Of course I remembered.
410
00:16:02,780 --> 00:16:04,480
You reminded me every day
for two months.
411
00:16:04,514 --> 00:16:06,414
[CHUCKLES]
412
00:16:06,447 --> 00:16:07,847
Oh, the card.
413
00:16:23,380 --> 00:16:24,647
Cash?
414
00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:25,880
What do you think?
415
00:16:28,047 --> 00:16:29,480
You got me cash?
416
00:16:29,514 --> 00:16:31,314
Well, this way,
I figure you could go out
417
00:16:31,347 --> 00:16:32,847
and get yourself
whatever you want.
418
00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:33,980
No good?
419
00:16:34,014 --> 00:16:37,147
Who are you, my uncle?
420
00:16:37,180 --> 00:16:38,680
Hey, come on, that's $182 there.
421
00:16:38,714 --> 00:16:40,247
I don't think that's
anything to sneeze at.
422
00:16:44,714 --> 00:16:47,714
Let me see the card.
423
00:16:52,947 --> 00:16:55,080
"To a wonderful girl,
424
00:16:55,114 --> 00:16:59,047
a great pal, and more?"
425
00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:04,414
Hey.
426
00:17:04,447 --> 00:17:06,080
Oh, Elaine,
I'm glad you're here.
427
00:17:06,114 --> 00:17:07,347
Stay-- stay
right here.
428
00:17:07,380 --> 00:17:09,514
I'm gonna be
right back. Stay.
429
00:17:09,547 --> 00:17:11,029
Pal? You think I'm your pal?
430
00:17:11,029 --> 00:17:13,514
Pal? You think I'm your pal?
431
00:17:13,547 --> 00:17:15,614
I said, "And more."
432
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:21,414
I am not your pal.
433
00:17:21,447 --> 00:17:22,980
What's wrong with pal?
434
00:17:23,014 --> 00:17:25,014
Why is everybody so down on pal?
435
00:17:25,047 --> 00:17:26,747
Here.
436
00:17:26,780 --> 00:17:29,214
Oh, what is this?
437
00:17:29,247 --> 00:17:30,514
You got me something?
438
00:17:30,547 --> 00:17:31,847
Yeah. Yeah. Open it.
439
00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:33,447
Oh, Kramer!
440
00:17:35,047 --> 00:17:36,580
Oh! The bench!
441
00:17:36,614 --> 00:17:38,714
You got me the bench
that I wanted!
442
00:17:44,380 --> 00:17:46,180
That's pretty good, huh?
Great.
443
00:17:46,214 --> 00:17:48,180
Remember when we were standing
there, and she mentioned it?
444
00:17:48,214 --> 00:17:49,547
I made a mental note of it.
445
00:17:49,580 --> 00:17:51,347
Well, goodie for you.
446
00:17:51,380 --> 00:17:54,247
Oh, yeah. See,
I'm very sensitive about that.
447
00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:55,847
I mean, someone's birthday
comes up,
448
00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:58,047
I keep my ears open.
449
00:17:58,080 --> 00:17:59,214
So, what did you get her?
450
00:18:02,414 --> 00:18:03,647
182 bucks.
451
00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:05,514
Cash?
452
00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:10,347
You gotta be kidding.
What kind of gift is that?
453
00:18:10,380 --> 00:18:11,029
That's like something
her uncle would give her.
454
00:18:11,029 --> 00:18:12,014
That's like something
her uncle would give her.
455
00:18:14,047 --> 00:18:19,414
Think where man's glory
most begins and ends,
456
00:18:19,447 --> 00:18:23,380
and say my glory was
I had such a friend.
457
00:18:23,414 --> 00:18:25,280
Yeats.
458
00:18:27,214 --> 00:18:30,180
Oh, Kramer...
459
00:18:30,214 --> 00:18:31,547
Yeah...
460
00:18:33,747 --> 00:18:36,380
Could you
excuse us, please?
461
00:18:36,414 --> 00:18:37,380
Well, what?
462
00:18:37,414 --> 00:18:39,680
We're talking.
463
00:18:39,714 --> 00:18:41,029
Oh, the relationship.
464
00:18:41,029 --> 00:18:42,847
Oh, the relationship.
465
00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:53,247
You know, we never
had one fight
466
00:18:53,280 --> 00:18:54,247
before this deal.
467
00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:55,347
I know.
468
00:18:55,380 --> 00:18:56,480
Never.
Ever.
469
00:18:56,514 --> 00:18:58,180
We got along
beautifully.
470
00:18:58,214 --> 00:18:59,347
Like clams.
471
00:18:59,380 --> 00:19:00,380
It was wonderful.
472
00:19:00,414 --> 00:19:02,047
A pleasure.
473
00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:05,214
So I think we should just
forget the whole deal
474
00:19:05,247 --> 00:19:06,680
and go back
to being friends.
475
00:19:10,447 --> 00:19:11,029
I can't do it.
476
00:19:11,029 --> 00:19:11,647
I can't do it.
477
00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:15,547
You what?
478
00:19:15,580 --> 00:19:17,680
I can't do that.
479
00:19:17,714 --> 00:19:20,747
You mean, it's...
480
00:19:22,247 --> 00:19:23,380
No this?
481
00:19:25,347 --> 00:19:26,547
No that?
482
00:19:30,914 --> 00:19:35,514
No this or that.
Oh, boy.
483
00:19:35,547 --> 00:19:37,347
Hmm.
484
00:19:37,380 --> 00:19:39,180
What do you want?
485
00:19:39,214 --> 00:19:41,029
This, that,
and the other.
486
00:19:41,029 --> 00:19:42,680
This, that,
and the other.
487
00:19:42,714 --> 00:19:44,580
Oh, sure, of course.
You're entitled.
488
00:19:44,614 --> 00:19:47,680
Who doesn't want this,
that, and the other?
489
00:19:47,714 --> 00:19:50,347
You.
490
00:19:50,380 --> 00:19:52,280
Well...
491
00:19:54,014 --> 00:19:56,314
Oh, those birthdays.
492
00:19:56,347 --> 00:19:59,647
I told you,
they're relationship killers.
493
00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:02,347
If a relationship is having
any problems whatsoever,
494
00:20:02,380 --> 00:20:04,047
a birthday will always
bring it out.
495
00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:06,214
I never should've made up
those rules.
496
00:20:06,247 --> 00:20:10,514
What is it about sex
that just disrupts everything?
497
00:20:10,547 --> 00:20:11,029
Is it the touching,
is it the nudity?
498
00:20:11,029 --> 00:20:12,080
Is it the touching,
is it the nudity?
499
00:20:12,114 --> 00:20:14,980
It can't be the nudity.
500
00:20:15,014 --> 00:20:16,814
I never got into these
terrible kind of fights
501
00:20:16,847 --> 00:20:18,147
and misunderstandings
502
00:20:18,180 --> 00:20:20,047
when I was changing
before gym class.
503
00:20:21,580 --> 00:20:24,514
You know what this means?
I can't see her anymore, either.
504
00:20:24,547 --> 00:20:25,580
Why?
505
00:20:25,614 --> 00:20:30,547
It's breakup by association.
506
00:20:30,580 --> 00:20:33,647
Besides, she's mad at me anyway
because of my birthday present.
507
00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:36,014
What? What did you wind up
giving her?
508
00:20:36,047 --> 00:20:39,547
$91.
509
00:20:43,047 --> 00:20:44,347
Sorry about that.
510
00:20:44,380 --> 00:20:46,514
So, what are you gonna do?
511
00:20:46,547 --> 00:20:49,247
Well, if I do call her,
512
00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:50,914
there's no joking around
anymore.
513
00:20:50,947 --> 00:20:52,014
This is pretty much it.
514
00:20:52,047 --> 00:20:54,480
So maybe this should be it.
515
00:20:54,514 --> 00:20:55,980
It could be it.
516
00:20:56,014 --> 00:20:57,880
She seems like an it.
517
00:20:57,914 --> 00:21:00,647
She's as it as you get.
518
00:21:00,680 --> 00:21:02,680
Imagine bumping into her
on the street in five years
519
00:21:02,714 --> 00:21:04,680
with a husband?
520
00:21:04,714 --> 00:21:06,347
And she tells me
that he's a sculptor,
521
00:21:06,380 --> 00:21:07,547
they live in Vermont.
522
00:21:07,580 --> 00:21:08,680
[SNORTS]
523
00:21:08,714 --> 00:21:09,914
We'd have to kill him.
524
00:21:09,947 --> 00:21:11,029
We'd get caught.
I'd get the chair.
525
00:21:11,029 --> 00:21:12,647
We'd get caught.
I'd get the chair.
526
00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:16,480
I'd go to prison
as your accomplice.
527
00:21:16,514 --> 00:21:19,847
Have to wear
that really heavy denim.
528
00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:21,247
Go to the cafeteria line,
529
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:25,714
with the guy who slops those
mashed potatoes onto your plate.
530
00:21:25,747 --> 00:21:27,847
Go to the bathroom
in front of hundreds of people.
531
00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:30,880
Plus, you know what else.
532
00:21:32,880 --> 00:21:34,080
You better call her.
533
00:21:36,947 --> 00:21:38,014
Hey.
Hey.
534
00:21:38,047 --> 00:21:39,014
You got the paper yet?
535
00:21:39,047 --> 00:21:40,480
Yeah.
536
00:21:40,514 --> 00:21:41,029
Well, where is it?
537
00:21:41,029 --> 00:21:42,114
Well, where is it?
538
00:21:44,014 --> 00:21:45,347
Hey, are you done
with that?
539
00:21:45,380 --> 00:21:46,547
No.
540
00:21:46,580 --> 00:21:47,714
Well, you're not
reading it now.
541
00:21:49,547 --> 00:21:50,847
All right,
you can take it,
542
00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:51,980
but I want it back.
543
00:21:52,014 --> 00:21:53,414
Oh, yeah.
544
00:21:56,014 --> 00:21:59,514
So, uh, what are you guys
gonna do today?
545
00:21:59,547 --> 00:22:03,014
Oh, this and...
546
00:22:03,047 --> 00:22:04,080
that.
547
00:22:04,114 --> 00:22:05,680
And the other.
548
00:22:07,114 --> 00:22:09,880
Boy, I really liked
the two of you much better
549
00:22:09,914 --> 00:22:11,029
when you weren't a couple.
550
00:22:11,029 --> 00:22:12,847
when you weren't a couple.
551
00:22:22,747 --> 00:22:26,714
Why is commitment
such a big problem for a man?
552
00:22:26,747 --> 00:22:28,480
I think that for some reason,
553
00:22:28,514 --> 00:22:32,547
when a man is driving
down that freeway of life,
554
00:22:32,580 --> 00:22:35,514
the woman's he's involved with
is like an exit,
555
00:22:35,547 --> 00:22:38,347
but he doesn't want to get out.
He wants to keep driving,
556
00:22:38,380 --> 00:22:40,647
and the woman is like, "Look,
gas, food, lodging.
557
00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:41,814
"That's our exit.
558
00:22:41,847 --> 00:22:43,747
"That's everything we need
to be happy.
559
00:22:43,780 --> 00:22:47,747
Get out of here now!"
560
00:22:47,780 --> 00:22:49,580
But the man is focusing
on the sign underneath
561
00:22:49,614 --> 00:22:50,881
that says,
"Next exit-- 27 miles,"
562
00:22:50,881 --> 00:22:50,914
that says,
"Next exit-- 27 miles,"
563
00:22:50,947 --> 00:22:52,614
and he thinks, "I can make it."