1
00:00:25,078 --> 00:00:30,578
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com
2
00:00:31,779 --> 00:00:34,903
[upbeat music]
3
00:00:37,217 --> 00:00:38,711
Matthew!
4
00:00:39,649 --> 00:00:42,497
Hey!
5
00:00:42,498 --> 00:00:44,119
Where are you?
6
00:00:47,490 --> 00:00:49,687
Matthew! Hello!
7
00:00:51,138 --> 00:00:52,641
Stupid, dumb shithead!
8
00:00:52,642 --> 00:00:53,952
♪ Lot of snags ♪
9
00:00:53,953 --> 00:00:55,873
♪ Lot of holes lot of cracks ♪
10
00:00:55,874 --> 00:00:58,882
♪ Lot of crags ♪
11
00:00:58,883 --> 00:01:00,642
God!
12
00:01:00,643 --> 00:01:03,074
Matthew, are you gonna fuck me, or what?
13
00:01:03,075 --> 00:01:05,090
On it like a bonnet. On it like
a bonnet. On it like a bonnet
14
00:01:05,091 --> 00:01:08,800
- Alright, fight club, what the hell is going on here?
- I'm a guest!
15
00:01:08,801 --> 00:01:11,425
Unless someone signed you into
the building. You are not a guest.
16
00:01:11,426 --> 00:01:14,337
- Alright? Please.
- Aw, man! I miss my friend.
17
00:01:14,338 --> 00:01:16,002
- Don't take that tack with me.
- My friend lives here...
18
00:01:16,003 --> 00:01:16,992
Please don't put me in this position.
19
00:01:16,993 --> 00:01:18,145
Why are you doing this?
20
00:01:18,146 --> 00:01:20,034
I'm gonna have to call
the campus police.
21
00:01:20,035 --> 00:01:21,984
Well... uh, now, Jordan,
uh, she's my guest.
22
00:01:21,985 --> 00:01:23,266
- Uh, my...
- She's your guest, Harper?
23
00:01:23,267 --> 00:01:24,738
Yeah, yeah, uh, yeah.
24
00:01:24,739 --> 00:01:26,080
She's, uh... Hi, Stephanie... hi, uh...
25
00:01:26,081 --> 00:01:28,865
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Stephanie. Thank you. Mm-hmm.
26
00:01:28,866 --> 00:01:31,554
Stephanie... Sanders.
27
00:01:31,555 --> 00:01:32,961
Stephanie Sanders. Right here.
28
00:01:32,962 --> 00:01:34,880
- Take care of her, okay?
- Oh, yeah. No, I got this.
29
00:01:34,881 --> 00:01:36,706
This is all taken care of. You
don't have to worry about that.
30
00:01:36,707 --> 00:01:38,145
- Thank you.
- Okay.
31
00:01:38,146 --> 00:01:39,617
- Thanks, man. Sorry.
- Thank you.
32
00:01:39,618 --> 00:01:42,978
- Oh, rock and roll.
- What?
33
00:01:42,979 --> 00:01:45,218
- I said, rock and roll.
- Oh.
34
00:01:45,219 --> 00:01:47,073
Alright, this is uh... This is us.
35
00:01:47,074 --> 00:01:48,160
[Lainey chuckles]
36
00:01:48,161 --> 00:01:50,646
"Us." You're funny.
37
00:01:55,489 --> 00:01:56,578
Nice porn.
38
00:01:56,579 --> 00:01:58,358
Ha ha. Yeah. Ha...
39
00:01:59,522 --> 00:02:00,919
Nice panties.
40
00:02:02,369 --> 00:02:04,098
- Who are you?
- I'm Jake.
41
00:02:04,099 --> 00:02:05,666
Lainey.
42
00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:07,393
It's a nickname they give
to people named Elaine.
43
00:02:07,394 --> 00:02:08,514
Elaine's great name.
44
00:02:08,515 --> 00:02:11,296
- It's like, Elaine! Elaine...
- Hey!
45
00:02:11,297 --> 00:02:15,713
If you ever even mention The Graduate
again, I will slit your throat.
46
00:02:15,714 --> 00:02:19,287
Okay, Lainey. Glad we got that cleared up.
47
00:02:20,514 --> 00:02:22,913
Welcome to my Thursday night. Huh?
48
00:02:22,914 --> 00:02:25,282
You, uh... You wanna watch porn?
49
00:02:25,283 --> 00:02:26,711
Smoke drugs?
50
00:02:27,234 --> 00:02:29,986
Ugh! This sucks!
51
00:02:29,987 --> 00:02:32,450
- Mm.
- You know what I was gonna do tonight?
52
00:02:32,451 --> 00:02:34,913
Judging from your outfit,
I'd say scale a mountain?
53
00:02:34,914 --> 00:02:36,705
- Lose my virginity.
- Hold on a second...
54
00:02:36,706 --> 00:02:38,784
You were gonna lose your
virginity to Matthew Sobvechik
55
00:02:38,785 --> 00:02:40,802
in 11B at Wein Dormitory?
56
00:02:40,803 --> 00:02:43,393
He's the TA in my pre-med bio class.
57
00:02:43,394 --> 00:02:45,986
I'm deliberately failing to
get work sessions with him.
58
00:02:45,987 --> 00:02:49,248
We fool around after he teaches
me things I already know.
59
00:02:49,249 --> 00:02:51,713
Jesus! How Matthew Sobvechik managed to bag
60
00:02:51,714 --> 00:02:53,952
such a delightfully unhinged hottie
61
00:02:53,953 --> 00:02:56,514
by being the most boring, fucking guy
62
00:02:56,515 --> 00:02:59,778
on this entire floor is beyond me.
63
00:02:59,779 --> 00:03:02,274
- Well, I'm in love with him.
- Come on.
64
00:03:02,275 --> 00:03:03,969
There's no way you love Matthew Sobvechik
65
00:03:03,970 --> 00:03:06,081
the Pontiac Aztec of people.
66
00:03:06,082 --> 00:03:08,449
Lainey, you having sex
with Matthew Sobvechik
67
00:03:08,450 --> 00:03:10,528
is basically the same thing
68
00:03:10,529 --> 00:03:13,313
as me telling an Aborigine
in the Australian outback
69
00:03:13,314 --> 00:03:14,625
that he's about to
listen to the Beatles
70
00:03:14,626 --> 00:03:17,058
for the first time, and then
I play him Blues Traveler.
71
00:03:17,059 --> 00:03:19,234
That's a cruel joke, for I
will have just tricked him
72
00:03:19,235 --> 00:03:21,441
into thinking Blues Traveler
73
00:03:21,442 --> 00:03:24,224
is the greatest band of all time, okay?
74
00:03:24,225 --> 00:03:27,712
Now, if you were to sleep
with Matthew Sobvechik
75
00:03:27,713 --> 00:03:30,561
you would be addicted to mediocrity
for the rest of your life.
76
00:03:30,562 --> 00:03:32,673
And that barely
covered vagina of yours
77
00:03:32,674 --> 00:03:34,464
deserves better than that.
78
00:03:34,465 --> 00:03:38,561
It doesn't deserve John Popper,
it deserves John Lennon. Okay?
79
00:03:38,562 --> 00:03:40,193
You understand me?
80
00:03:40,194 --> 00:03:43,830
I'm talkin' about, like, the
"White Album", not "Hook."
81
00:03:45,763 --> 00:03:47,234
Tell me what sex is like.
82
00:03:47,235 --> 00:03:49,825
Oh, my God! You've got a one track mind.
83
00:03:49,826 --> 00:03:51,938
Fuck you. Enlighten me.
84
00:03:51,939 --> 00:03:53,506
You want me to tell you
what sex is like, huh?
85
00:03:53,507 --> 00:03:56,215
- Mm-hmm. Tell me.
- Okay.
86
00:03:56,930 --> 00:03:58,945
Better be ready.
87
00:03:58,946 --> 00:04:01,377
- You ready?
- Yes.
88
00:04:01,378 --> 00:04:03,233
Sex is like, uh...
89
00:04:03,234 --> 00:04:06,305
It's like kissing with your entire body.
90
00:04:06,306 --> 00:04:08,769
Very sensual experience.
91
00:04:08,770 --> 00:04:11,905
It's like shooting heroin
in a... in a controlled yet
92
00:04:11,906 --> 00:04:14,625
moist environment, you know?
93
00:04:14,626 --> 00:04:16,513
You know what it's like ...it's
like... it's like Times Square at night.
94
00:04:16,514 --> 00:04:20,407
I mean... just the right tinge of danger.
95
00:04:21,443 --> 00:04:22,839
Sorry.
96
00:04:27,107 --> 00:04:28,727
Oh, my God.
97
00:04:29,090 --> 00:04:30,328
What?
98
00:04:31,843 --> 00:04:33,313
Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
99
00:04:33,314 --> 00:04:36,865
Yeah. So I haven't technically...
100
00:04:36,866 --> 00:04:39,682
...actually really done it yet.
101
00:04:39,683 --> 00:04:41,121
Why're you laughing at me? That's not...
102
00:04:41,122 --> 00:04:42,818
But you're so old.
103
00:04:42,819 --> 00:04:45,697
Fuck you. I didn't call you an old virgin.
104
00:04:45,698 --> 00:04:48,770
I'm not... I'm shocked.
I'm shocked. You're so cute.
105
00:04:48,771 --> 00:04:50,625
Why're you giving me shit?
106
00:04:50,626 --> 00:04:53,344
Y-you can't get the most boring dude
107
00:04:53,345 --> 00:04:55,968
in the dorm to sleep with you.
108
00:04:55,969 --> 00:04:58,113
You know... that... I
mean, that's ridiculous.
109
00:04:58,114 --> 00:04:59,735
You're the one that's should be...
110
00:05:03,138 --> 00:05:05,090
No, I'm... I'm sorry.
111
00:05:05,091 --> 00:05:06,849
I... I'm... I'm...
112
00:05:06,850 --> 00:05:08,352
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset.
113
00:05:08,353 --> 00:05:09,537
I thought... I was just joking around.
114
00:05:09,538 --> 00:05:11,926
You know, I thought we were
joking around. So I was joking.
115
00:05:15,106 --> 00:05:17,281
This was all, just very romantic
116
00:05:17,282 --> 00:05:19,575
and then you just fucked it up.
117
00:05:22,370 --> 00:05:23,799
It was?
118
00:05:42,018 --> 00:05:43,201
[upbeat music]
119
00:05:43,202 --> 00:05:44,450
What is this?
120
00:05:44,451 --> 00:05:46,082
Get it off.
121
00:05:46,083 --> 00:05:47,479
Jesus.
122
00:05:52,162 --> 00:05:54,871
I'm so, so sweaty. All this on...
123
00:05:58,626 --> 00:05:59,862
You're incredible.
124
00:06:01,345 --> 00:06:03,830
You're gonna drive some guy crazy some day.
125
00:06:05,379 --> 00:06:06,977
♪ ...smile upon you ♪♪
126
00:06:06,978 --> 00:06:08,449
- Okay. Alright.
- Mm-hmm.
127
00:06:08,450 --> 00:06:09,782
- Here we go?
- Mm-hmm.
128
00:06:20,994 --> 00:06:22,336
[panting]
129
00:06:22,337 --> 00:06:24,865
♪ That girl's stuck in your head ♪
130
00:06:24,866 --> 00:06:27,616
♪ Let down your...
and make them stare ♪
131
00:06:27,617 --> 00:06:28,609
♪ You know it's not too late... ♪
132
00:06:28,610 --> 00:06:31,265
Hey! Hey, Hannah!
133
00:06:31,266 --> 00:06:33,889
Hannah!
134
00:06:33,890 --> 00:06:35,394
♪ 'Cause it's a thrill to give you ♪
135
00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:36,609
♪ What you want ♪
136
00:06:36,610 --> 00:06:38,305
♪ It's everything you dreamed of ♪
137
00:06:38,306 --> 00:06:39,553
♪ What you want ♪
138
00:06:39,554 --> 00:06:41,568
♪ I can remiss... ♪
139
00:06:41,569 --> 00:06:42,688
♪ What you want ♪
140
00:06:42,689 --> 00:06:45,794
♪ If you just don't blow it ♪
141
00:06:45,795 --> 00:06:48,864
♪ Everything's going down ♪
142
00:06:48,865 --> 00:06:53,282
♪ Everything's blowing but
you just can't stop it ♪♪
143
00:06:53,283 --> 00:06:55,520
- Hannah!
- Leave me alone!
144
00:06:55,521 --> 00:06:58,400
- Oh, come on. Look, I could do this all the way to Brooklyn...
- Fuck you.
145
00:06:58,401 --> 00:07:00,961
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Easy. Easy.
146
00:07:00,962 --> 00:07:03,040
Hey, did you see me take out
that cab? Sydney Bristow style?
147
00:07:03,041 --> 00:07:05,440
Thank God you stopped,
okay? Please. Please...
148
00:07:05,441 --> 00:07:07,584
- You're disgusting.
- I'm... okay. Maybe you're right.
149
00:07:07,585 --> 00:07:09,377
- You might be right.
- How could you fuck her, Jake?
150
00:07:09,378 --> 00:07:12,448
I look, sorry, I... Ow! Ooh! That got me!
151
00:07:12,449 --> 00:07:14,242
How could you even kiss
me after you fucked her?
152
00:07:14,243 --> 00:07:15,648
What are we doing in
the middle of the street?
153
00:07:15,649 --> 00:07:17,409
Ugh! Because I hope we fucking die!
154
00:07:17,410 --> 00:07:20,354
Will you get... whoa!
Fuckin' please, come on!
155
00:07:20,355 --> 00:07:23,713
Let's get off the street, okay?
Okay, look, look, look, look, look.
156
00:07:23,714 --> 00:07:28,193
Hey. Hey, hey, hey, I appreciate
your anger, I really do, okay.
157
00:07:28,194 --> 00:07:30,818
And Lord knows, I could use the exercise
158
00:07:30,819 --> 00:07:33,760
but I do believe there are exactly
3 points we should discuss, okay?
159
00:07:33,761 --> 00:07:36,865
First off, in our initial
conversations about exclusivity
160
00:07:36,866 --> 00:07:40,513
I distinctly recall you saying
something about "staying casual," yeah?
161
00:07:40,514 --> 00:07:42,017
- I only said that...
- Most likely because you thought
162
00:07:42,018 --> 00:07:43,393
that was what I wanted to hear, yes?
163
00:07:43,394 --> 00:07:46,305
- Yes.
- Okay. Well, me taking you at your word
164
00:07:46,306 --> 00:07:48,993
doesn't make me an asshole, it
does however make you a liar.
165
00:07:48,994 --> 00:07:50,656
Ugh! You're such a piece of shit...
166
00:07:50,657 --> 00:07:53,440
Hey. Second... second point. Okay?
167
00:07:53,441 --> 00:07:55,841
If you really, actually wanted monogamy
168
00:07:55,842 --> 00:07:59,170
why have casual sex
with me for three months?
169
00:07:59,171 --> 00:08:02,305
You know, I mean, If you wanna grow
flowers, you don't plant 'em in a closet.
170
00:08:02,306 --> 00:08:07,264
So either you're stupid or deep down
inside you don't want monogamy either.
171
00:08:07,265 --> 00:08:09,281
You fucked my best friend.
172
00:08:09,282 --> 00:08:11,712
Which brings me to my
third and final point.
173
00:08:11,713 --> 00:08:14,721
Your chief complaint is
not that I screwed someone
174
00:08:14,722 --> 00:08:16,608
it is who I screwed.
175
00:08:16,609 --> 00:08:18,433
That's what it's about, right?
176
00:08:18,434 --> 00:08:21,312
So much like your, uh,
the counter-intuitive plan
177
00:08:21,313 --> 00:08:23,266
to secure an exclusive relationship
178
00:08:23,267 --> 00:08:25,345
with a guy that you
don't actually wanna date.
179
00:08:25,346 --> 00:08:27,553
Moi. Your issue with me and Sarah...
180
00:08:27,554 --> 00:08:28,738
- Do not say her name.
- Was a lot...
181
00:08:28,739 --> 00:08:32,993
Your issue with us is purely
driven by a societal insecurity.
182
00:08:32,994 --> 00:08:36,769
Not to mention, a culturally
infused female competition.
183
00:08:36,770 --> 00:08:38,978
Oh! My heart goes out to you ladies.
184
00:08:38,979 --> 00:08:41,792
Baby, you're a bad liar.
185
00:08:41,793 --> 00:08:44,064
You're not stupid.
186
00:08:44,065 --> 00:08:47,584
And she can't hold a candle to you.
187
00:08:47,585 --> 00:08:49,312
Can we please go home?
188
00:08:49,313 --> 00:08:51,488
Please?
189
00:08:51,489 --> 00:08:53,345
You know, get out of these wet clothes.
190
00:08:53,346 --> 00:08:55,671
And dry each other off using friction.
191
00:08:58,849 --> 00:08:59,936
Yeah?
192
00:08:59,937 --> 00:09:02,656
- Yeah.
- Good.
193
00:09:02,657 --> 00:09:03,670
Whoa!
194
00:09:05,058 --> 00:09:08,033
[sirens wailing]
195
00:09:08,034 --> 00:09:10,720
- You got a girlfriend, Charles?
- No.
196
00:09:10,721 --> 00:09:13,504
Playing the field, hmm?
197
00:09:13,505 --> 00:09:16,065
Be careful.
198
00:09:16,066 --> 00:09:17,782
- You know?
- Why?
199
00:09:19,841 --> 00:09:21,813
I don't know if I have time to answer that.
200
00:09:27,010 --> 00:09:30,370
Wow. Bathroom fucking stinks.
201
00:09:30,371 --> 00:09:33,537
Um, what were we talking
about? So I said to Jack.
202
00:09:33,538 --> 00:09:36,769
I said, "Jack, Lainey and
I, we're looking to buy.
203
00:09:36,770 --> 00:09:39,265
Maybe have a kid."
204
00:09:39,266 --> 00:09:41,281
I hope it's okay that
I said that, by the way.
205
00:09:41,282 --> 00:09:43,233
I mean, you haven't changed
your mind or anything, have you?
206
00:09:43,234 --> 00:09:45,313
Because I know you don't
wanna get married, but you know
207
00:09:45,314 --> 00:09:47,712
I do think it's important we make
some sort of commitment to each other
208
00:09:47,713 --> 00:09:51,520
and I think buying a
place, maybe Kensington
209
00:09:51,521 --> 00:09:53,441
maybe Prospect Heights.
210
00:09:53,442 --> 00:09:55,712
What's up, little nugget, what
are you doing with the notebook?
211
00:09:55,713 --> 00:09:58,272
Sam. I have to read you something.
212
00:09:58,273 --> 00:10:00,705
You've been writing again?
213
00:10:00,706 --> 00:10:03,136
- Sweetie, that's great!
- No...
214
00:10:03,137 --> 00:10:04,416
- I was never writing.
- Honey, yes!
215
00:10:04,417 --> 00:10:06,593
- It was one short story...
- Yes! That is great!
216
00:10:06,594 --> 00:10:08,416
No, listen. Listen...
217
00:10:08,417 --> 00:10:10,082
I wanna tell you something, look at me.
218
00:10:10,083 --> 00:10:13,121
Look at me, okay? I know you love teaching.
219
00:10:13,122 --> 00:10:15,968
But that's not a real thing. I
mean, this is great. This is...
220
00:10:15,969 --> 00:10:17,953
Can you please just not interrupt
me while I read this, please.
221
00:10:17,954 --> 00:10:19,968
- Just listen to it. Let me get through all of it.
- I won't.
222
00:10:19,969 --> 00:10:21,697
I don't think I interrupt you, but go on.
223
00:10:21,698 --> 00:10:23,457
- Don't.
- I don't.
224
00:10:23,458 --> 00:10:25,793
- Please don't interrupt.
- I would love to hear it.
225
00:10:25,794 --> 00:10:27,862
- Okay, mister.
- Wow me.
226
00:10:29,409 --> 00:10:30,933
- Sam.
- Lainey.
227
00:10:34,209 --> 00:10:39,233
"My therapist suggested that
I attend a 12 step program
228
00:10:39,234 --> 00:10:41,633
for recovery from a love addiction
229
00:10:41,634 --> 00:10:42,977
and romantic obsession..."
230
00:10:42,978 --> 00:10:45,281
I'm sorry... beep, beep,
squeak, um, hello...
231
00:10:45,282 --> 00:10:47,264
Did you say "Love addiction?"
232
00:10:47,265 --> 00:10:49,569
- "And romantic obsession..."
- Sweetie. Sweetie.
233
00:10:49,570 --> 00:10:52,448
- You might as well face it, you're addicted to love.
- "Obsession..."
234
00:10:52,449 --> 00:10:54,529
- Huey Lewis.
- No, it's Robert Palmer.
235
00:10:54,530 --> 00:10:56,097
"That I've had for the last 10 years.
236
00:10:56,098 --> 00:10:59,072
"As a result I have been
able to stay faithful to you
237
00:10:59,073 --> 00:11:01,056
- for the past 6 months..."
- Okay, let me just stop you because...
238
00:11:01,057 --> 00:11:04,961
- I feel like...
- Sam, I'm trying to tell you something.
239
00:11:04,962 --> 00:11:06,785
- I know. I would love to hear what you're telling me.
- Sam.
240
00:11:06,786 --> 00:11:09,537
- Can you listen to what I'm saying to you...
- I'm trying to.
241
00:11:09,538 --> 00:11:11,776
Yeah. I'm listening.
242
00:11:11,777 --> 00:11:14,337
"I wanna move forward in our
relationship in an honest way."
243
00:11:14,338 --> 00:11:19,425
Oh, I know it. Bein' Honest ...honest,
critical appraisal is the foundation...
244
00:11:19,426 --> 00:11:21,430
Sam, I cheated on you.
245
00:11:35,521 --> 00:11:37,271
You cheated on me?
246
00:11:41,890 --> 00:11:44,853
Baby, how many times?
247
00:11:47,777 --> 00:11:49,047
16.
248
00:11:54,850 --> 00:11:56,417
I don't even know 16 guys.
249
00:11:56,418 --> 00:11:58,336
- 16 guys...
- No, the same guy.
250
00:11:58,337 --> 00:12:00,182
16 times.
251
00:12:02,498 --> 00:12:03,521
- Who?
- It doesn't matter...
252
00:12:03,522 --> 00:12:05,153
- Tell me who.
- It doesn't...
253
00:12:05,154 --> 00:12:07,072
- My brother?
- No.
254
00:12:07,073 --> 00:12:08,449
- Was it my brother?
- No.
255
00:12:08,450 --> 00:12:09,345
- Was it my brother?
- Stop.
256
00:12:09,346 --> 00:12:11,041
You know I'm not attracted to your brother.
257
00:12:11,042 --> 00:12:12,384
Who's so fuckin' hot?
258
00:12:12,385 --> 00:12:14,976
Who is better than my brother?
259
00:12:14,977 --> 00:12:16,704
- I'm not gonna tell you...
- I deserve to know.
260
00:12:16,705 --> 00:12:17,664
- No, I'm...
- I deserve to know.
261
00:12:17,665 --> 00:12:20,737
I've been getting his
second fucking servings.
262
00:12:20,738 --> 00:12:24,385
I've been tasting his sweat.
Who's juices have I tasted?
263
00:12:24,386 --> 00:12:27,137
If I've been drinking his
juices, I wanna know who it is.
264
00:12:27,138 --> 00:12:29,440
I'm not gonna involve him in
this and make things worse.
265
00:12:29,441 --> 00:12:34,720
Oh, oh. You involved my brother
when you fucked him 16 times!
266
00:12:34,721 --> 00:12:38,241
Who can tell what that
fuckin', swarthy man...
267
00:12:38,242 --> 00:12:40,608
What? Get out of here! Get out of here!
268
00:12:40,609 --> 00:12:42,816
Please! Why did you
have to do this in public
269
00:12:42,817 --> 00:12:44,480
were you trying to humiliate me?
270
00:12:44,481 --> 00:12:46,881
Look it! Look it! He's
looking! I'm embarrassed.
271
00:12:46,882 --> 00:12:49,344
- You won!
- I was sacred that you would freak out.
272
00:12:49,345 --> 00:12:51,105
Yeah! Oh, well you thought right.
273
00:12:51,106 --> 00:12:53,654
Get ready for a Classic Sam freak out!
274
00:12:56,417 --> 00:12:58,368
Sam, wait. I'm sorry.
275
00:12:58,369 --> 00:13:01,889
Please, please, don't leave... I'm sorry.
276
00:13:01,890 --> 00:13:05,089
I wanna make this work.
I'm trying to get better.
277
00:13:05,090 --> 00:13:06,944
You can't get better.
278
00:13:06,945 --> 00:13:10,358
Lainey, you're not an addict, okay?
279
00:13:13,825 --> 00:13:15,830
You're just a whore.
280
00:13:17,536 --> 00:13:19,478
You're a whore!
281
00:13:22,754 --> 00:13:24,631
You're a fuckin' whore!
282
00:13:38,786 --> 00:13:41,143
[breathing heavily]
283
00:13:55,105 --> 00:13:57,462
[sniffles]
284
00:14:04,321 --> 00:14:05,718
[cellphone beeps]
285
00:14:14,049 --> 00:14:15,744
Before I started this program
286
00:14:15,745 --> 00:14:18,752
I thought "love" was a feeling.
287
00:14:18,753 --> 00:14:21,503
But that's bullshit, it's not a feeling
288
00:14:21,504 --> 00:14:23,992
it's a decision,
like everything else.
289
00:14:23,993 --> 00:14:27,681
And I see now that when I was in
my addiction I made the decision
290
00:14:27,682 --> 00:14:32,160
over and over again to choose
sex over my self-worth.
291
00:14:32,161 --> 00:14:33,889
And it doesn't mean that
I don't like sex now
292
00:14:33,890 --> 00:14:37,120
it doesn't mean that I'm
not a sexual person. Gail.
293
00:14:37,121 --> 00:14:39,072
I don't need to go trolling online looking
294
00:14:39,073 --> 00:14:40,672
for women to go down on.
295
00:14:40,673 --> 00:14:42,464
I don't need to fuck
8 guys on one night.
296
00:14:42,465 --> 00:14:44,992
I don't deny what I've
done. I embrace my past.
297
00:14:44,993 --> 00:14:46,913
Yes, I did once call one of my
neighbors in the middle of the day
298
00:14:46,914 --> 00:14:49,152
when he was at work and said,
"Grab some condoms and meet me
299
00:14:49,153 --> 00:14:52,575
at that delicious soft
pretzel place." Who cares?
300
00:14:52,576 --> 00:14:56,832
I did let someone put a protein
bar up my ass once. Big deal.
301
00:14:56,833 --> 00:14:59,169
I did hack into my
supermarket's Instagram account
302
00:14:59,170 --> 00:15:02,592
and posted a picture of my asshole
and said, there was a sale on asshole.
303
00:15:02,593 --> 00:15:05,109
And then said, "Come and lick
my asshole if you're bald."
304
00:15:05,762 --> 00:15:07,191
[cellphone beeps]
305
00:15:15,105 --> 00:15:17,013
Of all the gin joints.
306
00:15:18,273 --> 00:15:19,957
No way.
307
00:15:21,057 --> 00:15:22,807
- Jake.
- Yes.
308
00:15:26,562 --> 00:15:29,472
Oh, my God. Were y-you
just in that meeting?
309
00:15:29,473 --> 00:15:31,104
Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure was. Uh-huh.
310
00:15:31,105 --> 00:15:34,166
Yeah. Had to get out of there,
though. It was making me super horny.
311
00:15:35,905 --> 00:15:39,648
Wow. It's been... What? 12 years?
312
00:15:39,649 --> 00:15:41,953
I think it might actually be longer. Yeah.
313
00:15:41,954 --> 00:15:43,926
- Wow.
- Yeah. You look good.
314
00:15:45,024 --> 00:15:47,168
- So do you.
- Thank you.
315
00:15:47,169 --> 00:15:50,561
Wow! The "Old virgin."
316
00:15:50,562 --> 00:15:52,801
Don't you mean the one that got away?
317
00:15:52,802 --> 00:15:54,784
- Stop.
- Oh, last thing I remember, we had that...
318
00:15:54,785 --> 00:15:57,824
awesome night together
and you just sort of...
319
00:15:57,825 --> 00:16:00,639
- Disappeared.
- Oh, plus you were all hung up on that guy
320
00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:02,080
that lived next door to me, the boring guy.
321
00:16:02,081 --> 00:16:03,969
The, uh, Marcus, or, uh...
322
00:16:03,970 --> 00:16:05,217
- Matthew.
- That's right.
323
00:16:05,218 --> 00:16:06,432
I heard he's a lady doctor now.
324
00:16:06,433 --> 00:16:08,128
- Oh?
- Yeah.
325
00:16:08,129 --> 00:16:09,313
You ever see him around?
326
00:16:09,314 --> 00:16:11,328
I assume like... doctor things?
327
00:16:11,329 --> 00:16:13,120
- Aren't you a doctor now?
- Oh, I didn't do that.
328
00:16:13,121 --> 00:16:14,721
I didn't end up going to med school.
329
00:16:14,722 --> 00:16:16,032
- Oh.
- I teach...
330
00:16:16,033 --> 00:16:17,537
- Cool.
- Now, yeah, kids.
331
00:16:17,538 --> 00:16:18,848
- Great.
- Kindergarten.
332
00:16:18,849 --> 00:16:20,385
Alright.
333
00:16:20,386 --> 00:16:21,984
You? What do you... what do you...
334
00:16:21,985 --> 00:16:24,383
A buddy and I created this
CDN and we're selling it
335
00:16:24,384 --> 00:16:26,144
to a digital media provider...
And you're bored already?
336
00:16:26,145 --> 00:16:27,201
- No.
- You just asked me.
337
00:16:27,202 --> 00:16:29,633
I know. I'm sorry. I have to...
338
00:16:29,634 --> 00:16:32,256
Respond to that booty
text I assume, right?
339
00:16:32,257 --> 00:16:34,239
Oh, come on, Lainey.
340
00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:35,872
I was watchin' you in there.
341
00:16:35,873 --> 00:16:39,233
I saw ya. Checkin' your
phone every 5 minutes.
342
00:16:39,234 --> 00:16:41,953
All that tension in your shoulders.
Legs crossed, playin' with your hair...
343
00:16:41,954 --> 00:16:43,873
- Why are you here?
- Hmm.
344
00:16:43,874 --> 00:16:45,920
- To pick up women?
- No, no, Heaven's no.
345
00:16:45,921 --> 00:16:48,735
No, not women, no. Just you evidently.
346
00:16:48,736 --> 00:16:50,528
[Lainey laughs]
347
00:16:50,529 --> 00:16:52,288
I'll see you around.
348
00:16:52,289 --> 00:16:54,464
Hopefully not here.
349
00:16:54,465 --> 00:16:55,894
Yeah.
350
00:16:56,546 --> 00:16:58,293
Hey, I'm on Facebook!
351
00:16:59,394 --> 00:17:02,007
What... a weird thing to say out loud.
352
00:17:09,856 --> 00:17:12,213
[instrumental music]
353
00:17:17,570 --> 00:17:21,056
- You know, I have one last question... actually...
- Oh, come on. Come on.
354
00:17:21,057 --> 00:17:25,920
It's like... um, when I sign
this, what happens to everything
355
00:17:25,921 --> 00:17:28,801
that Xander and I worked on,
like, all the content we created?
356
00:17:28,802 --> 00:17:33,311
We dissolve all past and current product.
And you'll work exclusively for us.
357
00:17:33,312 --> 00:17:36,705
Yeah. Right. Time to settle down.
358
00:17:36,706 --> 00:17:40,449
- That's true. That's true. But what if we have...
- No. No.
359
00:17:40,450 --> 00:17:44,000
I will straight up murder you if
you do not sign this immediately.
360
00:17:44,001 --> 00:17:45,761
Xander, I'm lookin' out for us.
361
00:17:45,762 --> 00:17:47,424
You're lookin' out for us?
No, I'm lookin' out for us.
362
00:17:47,425 --> 00:17:49,216
- You're being a dick...
- Here's the thing, guys.
363
00:17:49,217 --> 00:17:52,192
I don't negotiate, but my lawyers do.
364
00:17:52,193 --> 00:17:54,945
So if you wanna reopen the terms
of the contract, that's fine
365
00:17:54,946 --> 00:17:57,377
I'm just gonna go grab some lunch.
366
00:17:57,378 --> 00:18:02,497
No, alright. Alright. Alright. Alright.
Okay. You know... y... you just...
367
00:18:02,498 --> 00:18:04,257
You don't have to go for lunch yet.
368
00:18:04,258 --> 00:18:05,974
Okay.
369
00:18:09,985 --> 00:18:12,192
Congrats, boys. You
have officially sold out.
370
00:18:12,193 --> 00:18:14,783
Fuck yes!
371
00:18:14,784 --> 00:18:17,760
Oh, my God!
372
00:18:17,761 --> 00:18:19,713
- I really thought you were gonna fuck this up.
- Me too.
373
00:18:19,714 --> 00:18:23,873
- I really did. He fucks everything in life up.
- Yeah, yeah, I do.
374
00:18:23,874 --> 00:18:25,633
I have two beautiful children
375
00:18:25,634 --> 00:18:28,127
both are gonna have
ridiculously terrible teeth.
376
00:18:28,128 --> 00:18:31,233
So you're getting braces,
you're getting braces
377
00:18:31,234 --> 00:18:32,917
you're getting braces!
378
00:18:34,048 --> 00:18:36,661
Hey. You going to lunch? Can I come with?
379
00:18:38,592 --> 00:18:41,505
Dinner maybe? How about brunch
with my folks, you'll love them.
380
00:18:41,506 --> 00:18:42,433
- You're smart, handsome...
- Thank you.
381
00:18:42,434 --> 00:18:44,928
And now have stocks vesting until 2018.
382
00:18:44,929 --> 00:18:46,401
You can go get any woman you want.
383
00:18:46,402 --> 00:18:48,191
Really? Well, I still choose you.
384
00:18:48,192 --> 00:18:50,048
Why? Because I happened
to be in your eye-line?
385
00:18:50,049 --> 00:18:51,392
Possibly because you're uninterested.
386
00:18:51,393 --> 00:18:53,409
Most likely because you're
stunning and successful.
387
00:18:53,410 --> 00:18:55,007
- I'm divorced.
- His loss.
388
00:18:55,008 --> 00:18:56,545
- I have a kid.
- I love kids.
389
00:18:56,546 --> 00:18:57,633
Kids love me. I basically am a kid.
390
00:18:57,634 --> 00:19:00,609
- And I don't sleep with my employees.
- I quit.
391
00:19:00,610 --> 00:19:02,079
Goodbye, Jacob.
392
00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:03,957
- Congrats.
- Thanks.
393
00:19:04,834 --> 00:19:06,848
- Huh.
- What?
394
00:19:06,849 --> 00:19:08,641
Paula's somethin' else, huh?
395
00:19:08,642 --> 00:19:10,240
Yeah, she really is.
396
00:19:10,241 --> 00:19:12,192
She was vibin' me pretty
hard in that meeting.
397
00:19:12,193 --> 00:19:14,656
- Well, you're a married man.
- Yeah, I know. I made sure to tell her.
398
00:19:14,657 --> 00:19:16,673
- 'Cause I was, like, I didn't wanna embarrass her...
- Yeah, yeah.
399
00:19:16,674 --> 00:19:18,304
- That's good. Let her down easy.
- Yeah.
400
00:19:18,305 --> 00:19:21,472
Good afternoon, Dr.
Sobvechik's office.
401
00:19:21,473 --> 00:19:24,960
I'm sorry the doctor's not available
right now. May I take a message?
402
00:19:24,961 --> 00:19:28,159
Elaine. Elaine Dalton?
403
00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:33,345
Yes, um... sorry. It's Lainey.
Only my father calls me Elaine.
404
00:19:33,346 --> 00:19:36,246
Mm-hmm. Dr. Sobvechik will see you now.
405
00:19:37,570 --> 00:19:39,734
[instrumental music]
406
00:19:44,769 --> 00:19:47,808
You didn't have to make an appointment.
407
00:19:47,809 --> 00:19:51,029
This used to be our move. Me
pretending to be a patient.
408
00:19:54,114 --> 00:19:55,999
You look great.
409
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:58,719
It's been a while.
410
00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:00,886
I get worried when you disappear.
411
00:20:02,273 --> 00:20:04,448
Me too.
412
00:20:04,449 --> 00:20:07,349
It's really good to see you.
W... what do you wanna talk about?
413
00:20:08,928 --> 00:20:10,773
- I can't see you anymore.
- I agree.
414
00:20:12,993 --> 00:20:15,030
Yeah. I think...
415
00:20:16,545 --> 00:20:19,777
- We need to be over.
- I asked Emma to marry me.
416
00:20:19,778 --> 00:20:21,408
I mean, she kept bringing it up.
417
00:20:21,409 --> 00:20:23,231
Thought it was the right thing to do.
418
00:20:23,232 --> 00:20:25,077
Dr. Sobvechik's office...
419
00:20:26,753 --> 00:20:28,705
Oh, you and Emma got back together?
420
00:20:28,706 --> 00:20:31,574
Yes, uh... uh did I not tell you that?
421
00:20:39,522 --> 00:20:44,032
- How is Sam?
- He is... fine.
422
00:20:44,033 --> 00:20:45,430
Good.
423
00:20:49,122 --> 00:20:52,502
Glad we ended it face to
face. You were right to come.
424
00:21:01,154 --> 00:21:02,592
Will you do me a favor?
425
00:21:02,593 --> 00:21:05,943
Will you erase your number from my phone?
426
00:21:07,905 --> 00:21:10,006
I won't be able to do it.
427
00:22:03,201 --> 00:22:05,152
Is this what you want, Elaine?
428
00:22:05,153 --> 00:22:06,623
Yes.
429
00:22:06,624 --> 00:22:08,917
I want it all the time.
It's all I think about.
430
00:22:10,945 --> 00:22:13,110
[Lainey moaning]
431
00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:54,646
Good afternoon, Dr.
Sobvechik's office.
432
00:22:56,032 --> 00:22:58,421
I'm sorry the doctor is
unavailable right now.
433
00:23:00,289 --> 00:23:02,656
- He's getting married.
- Who would marry him?
434
00:23:02,657 --> 00:23:05,440
Like, can she consent?
Is she in a coma?
435
00:23:05,441 --> 00:23:08,576
I mean, who is this person?
Where do you find her?
436
00:23:08,577 --> 00:23:10,624
Some sort of, like, website
437
00:23:10,625 --> 00:23:13,408
for people who want to have
a horrible, painful life...
438
00:23:13,409 --> 00:23:16,960
I think I need to stop having
sex all together for a while.
439
00:23:16,961 --> 00:23:19,136
No, alright. The problem isn't sex.
440
00:23:19,137 --> 00:23:20,383
The problem is Captain Amazing
441
00:23:20,384 --> 00:23:21,887
has monopolized your vag for like a decade
442
00:23:21,888 --> 00:23:23,008
and now you're a pod person.
443
00:23:23,009 --> 00:23:25,184
But maybe if I'm not having any sex...
444
00:23:25,185 --> 00:23:27,104
And become a sexually anorexic? No.
445
00:23:27,105 --> 00:23:28,896
What? Is that a real thing?
446
00:23:28,897 --> 00:23:30,017
Yeah, of course it's a real thing.
447
00:23:30,018 --> 00:23:32,640
Sexual anorexian. It's like
depriving yourself of sex
448
00:23:32,641 --> 00:23:37,119
because of low self-esteem,
or abuse or other gnarly shit.
449
00:23:37,120 --> 00:23:38,752
That's great. That's another dysfunction
I have to worry about developing.
450
00:23:38,753 --> 00:23:41,248
It's like enough with this shit.
451
00:23:41,249 --> 00:23:43,041
Sobvechik! It's like enough!
452
00:23:43,042 --> 00:23:45,151
I mean, you can do so much better.
453
00:23:45,152 --> 00:23:47,168
I don't care if it's a woman
or if it's somebody else
454
00:23:47,169 --> 00:23:50,559
just anything but the schmuck.
455
00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:53,024
I feel like people are looking at us.
456
00:23:53,025 --> 00:23:53,984
The guy I lost my virginity to
457
00:23:53,985 --> 00:23:55,808
was at my sex addicts meeting.
458
00:23:55,809 --> 00:23:57,567
What do you think that means?
459
00:23:57,568 --> 00:23:58,912
It's a sign.
460
00:23:58,913 --> 00:24:03,263
You should fuck that guy. A lot.
461
00:24:03,264 --> 00:24:06,944
I don't think everyone should just be
running around fucking willy-nilly, okay?
462
00:24:06,945 --> 00:24:11,317
In your specific case I do think
you should fuck that sex addict.
463
00:24:14,784 --> 00:24:16,928
♪ One look in the mirror ♪
464
00:24:16,929 --> 00:24:20,150
♪ And I know the party is over ♪♪
465
00:24:22,272 --> 00:24:23,766
You have lipstick on your teeth.
466
00:24:25,442 --> 00:24:27,968
- Thank you.
- This is my wife! This is Blainey.
467
00:24:27,969 --> 00:24:30,175
- Lainey. Lainey... with an L.
- Oh.
468
00:24:30,176 --> 00:24:32,661
What's wrong with you?
469
00:24:33,150 --> 00:24:35,071
- Never make it end.
- This is, uh, Lainey! Lainey, Naomi.
470
00:24:35,072 --> 00:24:37,888
- Oh, may God.
- This is my wife.
471
00:24:37,889 --> 00:24:40,672
Shots. I'm getting everybody shot. Shots
for all round. We're going to keep it going.
472
00:24:40,673 --> 00:24:42,816
Top shelf, bro, because
we're rich as shit now.
473
00:24:42,817 --> 00:24:45,504
- Okay, stop screaming that.
- Rich as shit!
474
00:24:45,505 --> 00:24:48,543
I'm telling you, someone's gonna
murder us if you keep screaming...
475
00:24:48,544 --> 00:24:53,344
I don't care. We're in a cool
bar. I just bought a Tesla!
476
00:24:53,345 --> 00:24:56,128
That's not true. We are borrowing
a Tesla to see if we like it.
477
00:24:56,129 --> 00:24:58,943
- Yeah.
- Listen, are you guys, um...
478
00:24:58,944 --> 00:25:01,152
- Are you guys sleeping with each other?
- No.
479
00:25:01,153 --> 00:25:03,744
- Oh, good. Oh, my God, good.
- What're you guys talking about?
480
00:25:03,745 --> 00:25:05,728
I'm telling her not to
have sex with you! Sorry.
481
00:25:05,729 --> 00:25:09,237
Oh, yeah, well you're too late! 'Cause
we lost our virginity to each other!
482
00:25:11,170 --> 00:25:12,639
- Are you serious?
- You didn't know.
483
00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:15,744
- Yeah, I told him earlier.
- We all knew. You didn't know!
484
00:25:15,745 --> 00:25:17,888
- That's a beautiful story.
- Yeah.
485
00:25:17,889 --> 00:25:19,455
- So romantic.
- Right!
486
00:25:19,456 --> 00:25:21,023
Here we go. Bring it in.
487
00:25:21,024 --> 00:25:23,137
- To virginity!
- To virginity!
488
00:25:23,138 --> 00:25:24,790
Get lost.
489
00:25:27,041 --> 00:25:29,439
- Here we go.
- I gotta go. I just gonna go outside for a...
490
00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:32,575
That was good. Naomi still
has her anal virginity.
491
00:25:32,576 --> 00:25:35,168
That's not true. A lot of guys
have been up there, just not you.
492
00:25:35,169 --> 00:25:36,640
Oh, wait, wait. Girl, girl, girl...
493
00:25:36,641 --> 00:25:38,496
- Lainey, her name's Lainey.
- Lainey. Lainey, I'm sorry.
494
00:25:38,497 --> 00:25:40,576
Quick question before
you walk out the door...
495
00:25:40,577 --> 00:25:45,344
Are you the reason that my friend Jake
here is like, the biggest slut in the world?
496
00:25:45,345 --> 00:25:47,232
- What are you doing?
- I'm saying, like
497
00:25:47,233 --> 00:25:49,344
he puts his dick in like,
every sticky hole he finds.
498
00:25:49,345 --> 00:25:51,072
- That's not true.
- It gross.
499
00:25:51,073 --> 00:25:52,160
- Xander.
- But like I'm jels.
500
00:25:52,161 --> 00:25:54,400
Come on.
501
00:25:54,401 --> 00:25:55,999
- No, I'm just kidding.
- I don't know. I don't know.
502
00:25:56,000 --> 00:25:57,631
I'm just kidding. I know it's
not you. I know it's not you.
503
00:25:57,632 --> 00:25:59,840
- I know it's because his dad molested him.
- What?
504
00:25:59,841 --> 00:26:02,111
- What?
- Now everybody knows!
505
00:26:02,112 --> 00:26:03,361
He was a boy scout leader.
506
00:26:03,362 --> 00:26:06,112
- Yeah.
- Bro, you're welcome. You're welcome.
507
00:26:06,113 --> 00:26:08,256
- How am I welcome?
- I just set that up for you.
508
00:26:08,257 --> 00:26:10,304
- Wait a minute, where is she going?
- Yeah, don't let her get away.
509
00:26:10,305 --> 00:26:12,927
Dude, you gotta chase after her.
510
00:26:12,928 --> 00:26:15,871
- She's your lobster, man.
- I know. Okay, alright.
511
00:26:15,872 --> 00:26:17,919
She seems...
512
00:26:17,920 --> 00:26:18,976
- Awesome.
- Amazing.
513
00:26:18,977 --> 00:26:21,696
Hey, Lainey!
514
00:26:21,697 --> 00:26:24,511
- What are you doin'? Where are you going?
- Sorry, sorry, yeah.
515
00:26:24,512 --> 00:26:27,231
I just... I wanna thank you
for tonight. It was great.
516
00:26:27,232 --> 00:26:30,079
Just go... go in and have
fun with your friends.
517
00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:32,831
I just... I Facebooked
you because I thought...
518
00:26:32,832 --> 00:26:34,752
I should start dating again, I'm
trying to get over this guy...
519
00:26:34,753 --> 00:26:36,406
Was this supposed to be a date?
520
00:26:37,953 --> 00:26:39,936
Oh shit, it was...
521
00:26:39,937 --> 00:26:42,943
Oh hell. I'm an idiot,
I'm sorry, I'm a dick.
522
00:26:42,944 --> 00:26:45,440
I'm sorry, I didn't... I didn't know. I...
523
00:26:45,441 --> 00:26:46,656
Well, hey... hey, how
about we go on a date?
524
00:26:46,657 --> 00:26:48,448
This is a date now. We'll go out.
525
00:26:48,449 --> 00:26:50,431
- So now it's...
- Yeah, it's a date. Let's go on a date.
526
00:26:50,432 --> 00:26:53,120
This is good. I'll go inside,
I'm gonna get my jacket
527
00:26:53,121 --> 00:26:57,024
then I'll come out and
we'll, uh... date it up.
528
00:26:57,025 --> 00:27:00,832
Matthew Sobvechik? That guy had all
the charm of a broken Etch a sketch.
529
00:27:00,833 --> 00:27:04,224
It feels so freeing to tell someone
about it. Who actually knows him.
530
00:27:04,225 --> 00:27:07,360
Okay, you're gonna have to explain
this to me. I mean, is he packing? Huh?
531
00:27:07,361 --> 00:27:09,439
Is that what's going on?
Does it tip in hundreds?
532
00:27:09,440 --> 00:27:11,232
Read you the Polar Express before bedtime?
533
00:27:11,233 --> 00:27:13,119
You know, it's pretty average actually.
534
00:27:13,120 --> 00:27:16,320
Ah, Goddammit! Even his junk is boring.
535
00:27:16,321 --> 00:27:19,201
God damn boring dick!
536
00:27:19,202 --> 00:27:21,984
That's so weird, and
you're a catch! It's true.
537
00:27:21,985 --> 00:27:24,864
You know, I'm serious. You've
got a strong vocabulary.
538
00:27:24,865 --> 00:27:28,021
You look dynamite in a tank
top. It's just... what gives?
539
00:27:28,450 --> 00:27:29,493
I guess...
540
00:27:32,481 --> 00:27:36,319
I guess, I just thought
eventually he'd choose me.
541
00:27:36,320 --> 00:27:39,072
- Mm-hmm.
- And so I always chose him.
542
00:27:39,073 --> 00:27:42,111
If he texted I'd think of
an excuse. I'd lie, I'd...
543
00:27:42,112 --> 00:27:44,992
- That's psychotic.
- Mm. Thanks.
544
00:27:44,993 --> 00:27:46,879
Well, I mean it's not your fault.
545
00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:48,736
You know, little girls are told
546
00:27:48,737 --> 00:27:50,912
that someday they're gonna find the one.
547
00:27:50,913 --> 00:27:52,480
What they don't tell
you guys is that the one
548
00:27:52,481 --> 00:27:53,696
might be a complete fucking dickhead
549
00:27:53,697 --> 00:27:56,448
with a boring heroin penis that
turns you all into a sex addict
550
00:27:56,449 --> 00:27:57,472
that's what they leave
out in the Disney movies...
551
00:27:57,473 --> 00:27:58,624
I'm not sex addict.
552
00:27:58,625 --> 00:27:59,679
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Me neither.
553
00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:00,736
I went to a few meetings
554
00:28:00,737 --> 00:28:02,239
because my therapist suggested
555
00:28:02,240 --> 00:28:04,223
that I go, that it... that it might help.
556
00:28:04,224 --> 00:28:06,591
- But it didn't, so I stopped.
- Okay.
557
00:28:06,592 --> 00:28:08,255
What's your excuse?
558
00:28:08,256 --> 00:28:09,760
- Me?
- Yeah.
559
00:28:09,761 --> 00:28:10,751
My girlfriend said if I didn't go
560
00:28:10,752 --> 00:28:11,775
she'd break up with me.
561
00:28:11,776 --> 00:28:12,896
So I went to a meeting.
562
00:28:12,897 --> 00:28:15,480
She broke up with me anyway. I'm cured.
563
00:28:15,481 --> 00:28:17,901
- Well why did she want you to go?
- I don't know.
564
00:28:21,953 --> 00:28:25,760
She... some have suggested
565
00:28:25,761 --> 00:28:29,151
that I have a little bit of
a problem staying faithful
566
00:28:29,152 --> 00:28:32,320
for long periods of
time... Or possibly at all.
567
00:28:32,321 --> 00:28:35,296
Oh. And it all comes out.
568
00:28:35,297 --> 00:28:39,840
Look, once I come to the
realization that I'm with...
569
00:28:39,841 --> 00:28:41,119
...the wrong girl...
570
00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:43,072
- Mm-hmm.
- I don't know how to end it.
571
00:28:43,073 --> 00:28:46,751
- So you sabotage it by sleeping with other people?
- Mm. Exactly.
572
00:28:46,752 --> 00:28:49,695
Yeah. Obviously they get upset
573
00:28:49,696 --> 00:28:52,703
but then comes the whole rigmarole
of, like, "You're afraid to commit"
574
00:28:52,704 --> 00:28:55,456
and it's like "No, I just
don't wanna commit to you."
575
00:28:55,457 --> 00:28:57,919
But I can't say that, because
that's, like, mean on top of mean.
576
00:28:57,920 --> 00:28:59,808
You know, so it's "No, no,
no. It's not you, it's me.
577
00:28:59,809 --> 00:29:02,944
I don't like you."
578
00:29:02,945 --> 00:29:04,768
- You know, like that.
- Yeah, that's harsh.
579
00:29:04,769 --> 00:29:06,400
- That's harsh, right You can't say that.
- That's pretty harsh.
580
00:29:06,401 --> 00:29:08,928
So instead I'd rather
just say something like...
581
00:29:08,929 --> 00:29:10,239
"I fucked your sister."
582
00:29:10,240 --> 00:29:12,703
- Much better.
- Well, it's honest.
583
00:29:12,704 --> 00:29:15,200
You have to fuck the sister
in order for it to work.
584
00:29:15,201 --> 00:29:17,119
- It's like I'd rather...
- Be the bad guy than tell the truth.
585
00:29:17,120 --> 00:29:20,277
- See. You get it.
- Oh, yeah. But I'm psychotic.
586
00:29:22,145 --> 00:29:24,224
But like an approachable psychotic.
587
00:29:24,225 --> 00:29:26,719
- That's the thing I don't think I mentioned earlier.
- You like it?
588
00:29:26,720 --> 00:29:28,928
Yeah, it's like... it's
like Ted Bundy, you know.
589
00:29:28,929 --> 00:29:31,423
You can't get him into a
van by just being a jerk.
590
00:29:31,424 --> 00:29:32,575
You've got to have a certain...
591
00:29:32,576 --> 00:29:34,656
...way about you.
592
00:29:34,657 --> 00:29:37,119
- Appetite?
- That would be... that would be something.
593
00:29:37,120 --> 00:29:39,296
- Yes, yes, yes.
- I'm hungry again.
594
00:29:39,297 --> 00:29:41,087
Already?
595
00:29:41,088 --> 00:29:43,871
Well, you know, that's Dim Sum for you.
596
00:29:43,872 --> 00:29:44,992
- I have snacks... I have snacks at home.
- Yeah.
597
00:29:44,993 --> 00:29:47,359
I have, uh, this is
actually... This is my train.
598
00:29:47,360 --> 00:29:48,672
- What here? Oh, yeah, yeah.
- So...
599
00:29:48,673 --> 00:29:49,952
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Alright.
600
00:29:49,953 --> 00:29:51,839
So, I'll probably gonna hit the road.
601
00:29:51,840 --> 00:29:54,143
- Yeah.
- Jake, thank you.
602
00:29:54,144 --> 00:29:56,352
- Yeah.
- Oh.
603
00:29:56,353 --> 00:29:58,847
Hey, this was a... We did
it. That was a good date.
604
00:29:58,848 --> 00:30:01,472
- We did the date.
- You know, I think it was the first...
605
00:30:01,473 --> 00:30:03,071
I think it might have been the
first date I've ever been on
606
00:30:03,072 --> 00:30:04,159
so I don't really have
much to compare it to
607
00:30:04,160 --> 00:30:05,375
but, you know, it seemed solid.
608
00:30:05,376 --> 00:30:06,368
- Good.
- Yeah.
609
00:30:06,369 --> 00:30:08,511
- Okay.
- Yeah.
610
00:30:08,512 --> 00:30:10,015
Shit.
611
00:30:10,016 --> 00:30:12,224
What?
612
00:30:12,225 --> 00:30:14,677
I, uh, I want to fuck you.
613
00:30:15,104 --> 00:30:16,191
- What?
- I know.
614
00:30:16,192 --> 00:30:17,824
- No!
- What do you mean no?
615
00:30:17,825 --> 00:30:20,639
What? What? What did I do?
616
00:30:20,640 --> 00:30:22,207
- Stop wanting to.
- I mean, are you kidding me?
617
00:30:22,208 --> 00:30:23,680
It's kinda hard. I mean, look at you.
618
00:30:23,681 --> 00:30:25,824
I mean, you're so pretty
and you're vulnerable
619
00:30:25,825 --> 00:30:27,583
and it's just like you might as
well be wearing a sign that says
620
00:30:27,584 --> 00:30:28,671
"Solve my problems with your penis, Jake."
621
00:30:28,672 --> 00:30:31,167
Jake, we just spent the
entire evening talking about
622
00:30:31,168 --> 00:30:33,439
how we screw up every sexual
relationship we've ever have.
623
00:30:33,440 --> 00:30:37,344
I know, I... I right. I mean, and yet
here I am like wanting... just now.
624
00:30:37,345 --> 00:30:39,872
So, maybe... we gotta just be friends.
625
00:30:39,873 --> 00:30:43,935
Yes, that is the mature,
responsible thing to do, uh...
626
00:30:43,936 --> 00:30:46,239
...for each other and
ourselves, yes I agree.
627
00:30:46,240 --> 00:30:47,775
Okay, but then we've got
to come up with a system.
628
00:30:47,776 --> 00:30:49,279
- If we're gonna be friends, you know...
- Okay.
629
00:30:49,280 --> 00:30:51,039
- And I want to be good friends...
- It's fair.
630
00:30:51,040 --> 00:30:54,943
So, maybe we come up with a safe word
631
00:30:54,944 --> 00:30:57,119
for if we're having sexual tension
and then we'll stop whatever...
632
00:30:57,120 --> 00:30:58,144
So, if you're doing something
sexy or I'm doing something sexy.
633
00:30:58,145 --> 00:31:00,319
- Or feeling attracted.
- Okay, but it's mutual?
634
00:31:00,320 --> 00:31:01,599
- So it is mutual?
- The word.
635
00:31:01,600 --> 00:31:02,911
You're saying it's mutual?
636
00:31:02,912 --> 00:31:04,799
- It could be mutual.
- That's a yes.
637
00:31:04,800 --> 00:31:06,655
- I may or may not need to use the word.
- That's a yes.
638
00:31:06,656 --> 00:31:07,744
- We'll have to see in the future...
- Hmm. Okay, alright.
639
00:31:07,745 --> 00:31:09,792
Well, let's... well, alright.
Say, uh, say it for me.
640
00:31:09,793 --> 00:31:10,881
- Uh, yeah. Anything.
- Let's go, come up with one. What you got.
641
00:31:10,882 --> 00:31:13,088
I'll do anything. What do
you... You pick it, and yes.
642
00:31:13,089 --> 00:31:14,527
- It's Avocado.
- No. Can't do that.
643
00:31:14,528 --> 00:31:17,152
- No. It's an immediate veto?
- No, no, no.
644
00:31:17,153 --> 00:31:18,879
Well, I mean, it's too
sexual. It's too sexual. Uh...
645
00:31:18,880 --> 00:31:21,087
- "Avocado" is too sexual?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
646
00:31:21,088 --> 00:31:23,647
I mean... I mean you've got to see the
way I eat an avocado and you'll be like...
647
00:31:23,648 --> 00:31:25,248
That's like... You know, do that to me.
648
00:31:25,249 --> 00:31:28,672
- It's like Guam.
- Guam? Like the country Guam? No!
649
00:31:28,673 --> 00:31:30,687
No, I knew a girl whose
father was from Guam
650
00:31:30,688 --> 00:31:32,703
and she literally had one
of the best natural bodies
651
00:31:32,704 --> 00:31:33,568
I've ever seen in my life.
652
00:31:33,569 --> 00:31:34,814
Noodle salad.
653
00:31:34,815 --> 00:31:36,287
"Noodle salad?" that's a sex thing.
654
00:31:36,288 --> 00:31:37,342
- That's a... that's...
- What?
655
00:31:37,343 --> 00:31:39,072
That's a bunch of guys putting
656
00:31:39,073 --> 00:31:40,223
flaccid dicks into someone's mouth.
657
00:31:40,224 --> 00:31:41,408
That's... that's called a noddle salad.
658
00:31:41,409 --> 00:31:43,391
That is not a thing.
659
00:31:43,392 --> 00:31:46,368
I mean it absolutely is a
thing. I know it's a thing.
660
00:31:46,369 --> 00:31:49,984
- Go to noodlesalad.org...
- Now, I feel like you're just trying to find problems.
661
00:31:49,985 --> 00:31:51,936
I would make the argument
that you are just suggesting
662
00:31:51,937 --> 00:31:54,559
only things that can only
be perceived as sexual.
663
00:31:54,560 --> 00:31:56,863
- So, okay, so it needs to be more violent.
- Mm-hmm, something extra.
664
00:31:56,864 --> 00:31:57,920
- Yeah, I mean...
- Dick in a mousetrap!
665
00:31:57,921 --> 00:31:59,263
Yikes! What is that?
666
00:31:59,264 --> 00:32:00,479
- Oh!
- That's awful!
667
00:32:00,480 --> 00:32:01,376
- You don't like it.
- No!
668
00:32:01,377 --> 00:32:02,591
- That's the one.
- What? Are you kid...
669
00:32:02,592 --> 00:32:04,384
We'll shorten it to mousetrap.
670
00:32:04,385 --> 00:32:06,463
- Thank you. Goodbye. Goodbye.
- Mousetrap? Alright.
671
00:32:06,464 --> 00:32:07,584
- Uh-oh.
- Goodbye.
672
00:32:07,585 --> 00:32:09,023
I'm going. I'm going for it.
673
00:32:09,024 --> 00:32:10,879
- Yeah. Live on the edge.
- Goodnight.
674
00:32:10,880 --> 00:32:13,621
Careful. Bye.
675
00:32:14,112 --> 00:32:16,224
- Bye.
- Bye.
676
00:32:16,225 --> 00:32:17,918
♪ And your face will surely show it ♪
677
00:32:17,919 --> 00:32:20,447
♪ If you're happy and you
know it clap your hands ♪♪
678
00:32:20,448 --> 00:32:21,983
Yeah!
679
00:32:21,984 --> 00:32:23,679
Good singing. Good. Alright, free play.
680
00:32:23,680 --> 00:32:25,471
Everybody play.
681
00:32:25,472 --> 00:32:26,623
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
682
00:32:26,624 --> 00:32:28,160
Hey, Lyle, no, no, no, no.
683
00:32:28,161 --> 00:32:30,239
No. Alexander had the ball first.
684
00:32:30,240 --> 00:32:32,927
Here we go. Why did you take it from him?
685
00:32:32,928 --> 00:32:36,384
Hey, no. We've gotta use
your words. We don't do that.
686
00:32:36,385 --> 00:32:39,168
One of my students
reminds me of you.
687
00:32:39,169 --> 00:32:41,238
He's devastatingly handsome?
688
00:32:42,560 --> 00:32:44,064
He reminds me of us.
689
00:32:44,065 --> 00:32:46,496
He has no one to play
with and gets angry.
690
00:32:46,497 --> 00:32:48,192
So, nobody wants to play with him
691
00:32:48,193 --> 00:32:50,197
'cause he's angry all the time.
692
00:32:51,167 --> 00:32:52,383
No dates, huh?
693
00:32:52,384 --> 00:32:55,039
Haven't met anyone. I've been busy.
694
00:32:55,040 --> 00:32:57,440
Studying for the
MCATs, you know. You?
695
00:32:57,441 --> 00:32:59,637
Nothing. Nada.
696
00:33:01,120 --> 00:33:02,975
Have you texted Voldemort?
697
00:33:02,976 --> 00:33:05,024
Trying to distract myself.
698
00:33:05,025 --> 00:33:08,736
Sometimes I dress up in
lingerie just to feel something.
699
00:33:08,737 --> 00:33:11,360
Oof, mousetrap.
700
00:33:11,361 --> 00:33:14,783
You should text me what
you want to text him.
701
00:33:14,784 --> 00:33:16,960
"I miss your cock in my mouth.
702
00:33:16,961 --> 00:33:19,454
"I miss the way you
feel on top of me.
703
00:33:19,455 --> 00:33:22,239
I miss making you cum."
704
00:33:22,240 --> 00:33:25,151
Whoa, since when are you a
porn star with killer grammar?
705
00:33:25,152 --> 00:33:27,038
That's how I text with him.
706
00:33:27,039 --> 00:33:29,088
Okay, well you're
sending porn star vibes
707
00:33:29,089 --> 00:33:30,815
instead of Lainey vibes.
708
00:33:30,816 --> 00:33:32,480
You're one to talk.
709
00:33:32,481 --> 00:33:33,536
You're a completely
different guy with me
710
00:33:33,537 --> 00:33:34,719
than with other ladies.
711
00:33:34,720 --> 00:33:36,160
That's not true.
712
00:33:36,161 --> 00:33:37,183
If you want someone to fall for you
713
00:33:37,184 --> 00:33:38,207
you gotta be you.
714
00:33:38,208 --> 00:33:39,968
Yeah, I don't think I like me enough
715
00:33:39,969 --> 00:33:41,919
to introduce him to other people.
716
00:33:41,920 --> 00:33:42,966
Night.
717
00:33:49,856 --> 00:33:51,606
That was fun.
718
00:33:54,464 --> 00:33:56,436
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
719
00:34:04,575 --> 00:34:06,933
[indistinct chattering]
720
00:34:24,288 --> 00:34:27,488
♪ Treat me like a fool ♪
721
00:34:27,489 --> 00:34:31,136
♪ Treat me mean and cruel ♪
722
00:34:31,137 --> 00:34:33,909
♪ But love me ♪
723
00:34:36,960 --> 00:34:40,031
♪ Wring my faithful heart ♪
724
00:34:40,032 --> 00:34:43,391
♪ Tear it all apart ♪
725
00:34:43,392 --> 00:34:47,061
♪ But love me ♪
726
00:34:49,504 --> 00:34:50,527
♪ I would beg ♪
727
00:34:50,528 --> 00:34:55,232
♪ And steal ♪
728
00:34:55,233 --> 00:35:00,725
♪ Just to feel ♪
729
00:35:01,856 --> 00:35:06,805
♪ Your heart ♪
730
00:35:07,968 --> 00:35:10,527
♪ Beatin' close to mine ♪
731
00:35:10,528 --> 00:35:13,216
[panting]
732
00:35:13,217 --> 00:35:17,439
♪ Well if you ever go ♪
733
00:35:17,440 --> 00:35:19,263
♪ Darling I'll be ♪
734
00:35:19,264 --> 00:35:22,847
♪ Oh so lonely ♪♪
735
00:35:22,848 --> 00:35:25,311
He looked so normal.
736
00:35:25,312 --> 00:35:27,264
Like he hadn't even noticed that
we stopped sleeping together.
737
00:35:27,265 --> 00:35:28,800
No, no. He noticed.
738
00:35:28,801 --> 00:35:30,782
He's just not thinking about
it the same way, you know.
739
00:35:30,783 --> 00:35:32,446
Right. Right, great.
740
00:35:32,447 --> 00:35:34,814
I'm a guilty slut and he gets to be a...
741
00:35:34,815 --> 00:35:37,599
...you know, heartless
alpha male who fucking jogs!
742
00:35:37,600 --> 00:35:39,007
No! That's not it at all.
743
00:35:39,008 --> 00:35:41,151
To Sobvechik, you're like...
744
00:35:41,152 --> 00:35:43,166
...you're like the hardest drug
at the coolest party, you know.
745
00:35:43,167 --> 00:35:44,768
Like in a second he has to make a decision.
746
00:35:44,769 --> 00:35:47,198
Do I go home now, or
cancel everything tomorrow?
747
00:35:47,199 --> 00:35:49,726
You know, no pre-meditation
means no post-meditation.
748
00:35:49,727 --> 00:35:51,584
It's not like months from now he's thinking
749
00:35:51,585 --> 00:35:54,078
"Oh gosh, I... I wonder
how crack is doing?"
750
00:35:54,079 --> 00:35:56,576
Or... or "I hope cocaine isn't mad at me."
751
00:35:56,577 --> 00:35:57,918
You know, no dude thinks like that.
752
00:35:57,919 --> 00:35:59,230
Except Aaron Sorkin.
753
00:35:59,231 --> 00:36:00,768
Are you saying I'm crack cocaine?
754
00:36:00,769 --> 00:36:02,463
Yeah. Don't sell yourself short.
755
00:36:02,464 --> 00:36:03,518
We wouldn't have "The
West Wing" without you.
756
00:36:03,519 --> 00:36:06,207
Ohh! What is wrong with me?
757
00:36:06,208 --> 00:36:07,808
Nothing's wrong with
you. Are you kidding me?
758
00:36:07,809 --> 00:36:10,815
You're great. I mean, your
funny, you're sexy, you're...
759
00:36:10,816 --> 00:36:13,214
...cool, like... Oh!
760
00:36:13,215 --> 00:36:15,263
What? You run out of compliments.
761
00:36:15,264 --> 00:36:17,566
Yeah. No. Uh, do you
remember that girl Renee?
762
00:36:17,567 --> 00:36:19,071
Had a spectacular time with you last night.
763
00:36:19,072 --> 00:36:21,983
I'm at lunch. Just tried calling you.
764
00:36:21,984 --> 00:36:24,351
Have you ever thought
about taking a road trip?
765
00:36:24,352 --> 00:36:26,335
At least respond so I
know you're alive and okay.
766
00:36:26,336 --> 00:36:28,064
GIF of a panda dancing!
767
00:36:28,065 --> 00:36:29,119
Seriously, are you okay?
768
00:36:29,120 --> 00:36:30,368
I was on the subway, did you text me?
769
00:36:30,369 --> 00:36:32,352
Fuck me then ignore me. Nice one, Jake!
770
00:36:32,353 --> 00:36:34,910
Photo of a dog dressed as a Nazi.
771
00:36:34,911 --> 00:36:36,991
I have chlamydia. Okay, I was joking!
772
00:36:36,992 --> 00:36:38,560
I do have HPV though
773
00:36:38,561 --> 00:36:40,510
and I hope it's the one
that gives you dick cancer.
774
00:36:40,511 --> 00:36:43,456
Emoji of a heart. XXX Renee.
775
00:36:43,457 --> 00:36:45,280
Well, that's sort of normal.
776
00:36:45,281 --> 00:36:46,751
You actively stalked someone today
777
00:36:46,752 --> 00:36:49,088
your perception of normal might
be a little skewed, my dear.
778
00:36:49,089 --> 00:36:50,784
- Okay, you slept with her.
- Mm-hmm.
779
00:36:50,785 --> 00:36:53,055
- Rocked her face.
- Mm-hmm.
780
00:36:53,056 --> 00:36:54,495
- Yes, with my body.
- You didn't call her.
781
00:36:54,496 --> 00:36:56,352
I lost my phone in a cab.
782
00:36:56,353 --> 00:36:59,680
- And you unleashed her Khaleesi.
- Yeah. Wait.
783
00:36:59,681 --> 00:37:00,767
You mean like "Game of Thrones" Khaleesi?
784
00:37:00,768 --> 00:37:05,535
Yes. Either A, we make
multiple babies with you.
785
00:37:05,536 --> 00:37:08,415
Or B, we cut your dick off.
786
00:37:08,416 --> 00:37:11,872
Jesus. I... I've got my fingers
crossed out here for an option C.
787
00:37:11,873 --> 00:37:14,783
C, you appease her.
788
00:37:14,784 --> 00:37:16,960
And how do you appease your Khaleesi?
789
00:37:16,961 --> 00:37:19,477
I spend about a
month's rent on this.
790
00:37:22,465 --> 00:37:24,767
- What do you think?
- Yeah.
791
00:37:24,768 --> 00:37:27,071
I mean, you should
definitely wear stuff over it.
792
00:37:27,072 --> 00:37:29,845
Nice neg. Mousetrap.
793
00:37:35,264 --> 00:37:38,687
♪ Dashing through the snow ♪
794
00:37:38,688 --> 00:37:43,040
♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪♪
795
00:37:43,041 --> 00:37:46,046
Hey, you've reached
Lainey. Leave a message.
796
00:37:46,047 --> 00:37:48,062
Hey dude, it's me. I haven't
heard from you in a while.
797
00:37:48,063 --> 00:37:49,855
So I'm gonna guess you
either finally fucked Jake
798
00:37:49,856 --> 00:37:51,935
or you got into med school
799
00:37:51,936 --> 00:37:53,759
either way, mazel tov.
800
00:37:53,760 --> 00:37:55,519
Happy Hanukkah. Wherever
the fuck you're into.
801
00:37:55,520 --> 00:37:56,928
Okay, call me back.
Seriously Call me back.
802
00:37:56,929 --> 00:37:58,400
Just pick a TV and
we'll get out of here.
803
00:37:58,401 --> 00:38:00,575
- So tell me what happened.
- Oh, right.
804
00:38:00,576 --> 00:38:02,688
Okay, yeah, so, uh, I've been
seeing this girl Thea, alright?
805
00:38:02,689 --> 00:38:03,711
Uh, she's Black.
806
00:38:03,712 --> 00:38:05,919
- And...
- Wait stop.
807
00:38:05,920 --> 00:38:08,788
Does this story end with you
doing something super racist?
808
00:38:09,152 --> 00:38:10,463
Oh, my God. No!
809
00:38:10,464 --> 00:38:13,982
Why are you telling me she's Black?
810
00:38:13,983 --> 00:38:17,237
I don't know. I... I'm just trying to
give you a mental picture that's all.
811
00:38:17,856 --> 00:38:21,344
Okay. Racist. Keep going.
812
00:38:21,345 --> 00:38:23,359
Okay. Well, we go see a
movie. During the day.
813
00:38:23,360 --> 00:38:25,694
And she's super smart and
cool and also gorgeous
814
00:38:25,695 --> 00:38:28,927
but I do what we talked
about. I do not sleep with her.
815
00:38:28,928 --> 00:38:31,231
You're so strong. I'm so proud.
816
00:38:31,232 --> 00:38:33,728
Hey. Not all of us can remain
celibate for a year, alright?
817
00:38:33,729 --> 00:38:35,839
I'm just waiting for the right guy.
818
00:38:35,840 --> 00:38:38,719
The white guy? Whose racist now?
819
00:38:38,720 --> 00:38:40,959
- The right guy.
- Oh, the right guy.
820
00:38:40,960 --> 00:38:43,072
Oh, the one you waited for
10 years. That right guy?
821
00:38:43,073 --> 00:38:44,832
You know, he's married now, that one?
822
00:38:44,833 --> 00:38:45,823
What're we doing in this aisle?
823
00:38:45,824 --> 00:38:48,287
Can I finish my story please?
824
00:38:48,288 --> 00:38:51,263
I wait 4 days and then I
call her and we go out again.
825
00:38:51,264 --> 00:38:53,376
- Mm-hmm.
- Alright. No, sex.
826
00:38:53,377 --> 00:38:55,039
I mean, we hook up
but I don't, like,
827
00:38:55,040 --> 00:38:56,030
finger her or anything.
828
00:38:56,031 --> 00:38:57,023
Awesome.
829
00:38:57,024 --> 00:38:58,046
So I call her last night
830
00:38:58,047 --> 00:38:59,262
and I'm like
831
00:38:59,263 --> 00:39:00,223
"Hey, do you wanna go see
832
00:39:00,224 --> 00:39:01,022
the new Wes Anderson movie?"
833
00:39:01,023 --> 00:39:02,624
Ugh!
834
00:39:02,625 --> 00:39:04,511
What? Well, and then she's like...
835
00:39:04,512 --> 00:39:06,559
Jake, what are you doing?
836
00:39:06,560 --> 00:39:09,375
And I'm like, "Oh, of course
Wes Anderson is a such a stupid
837
00:39:09,376 --> 00:39:11,326
white guy thing to suggest," you know.
838
00:39:11,327 --> 00:39:13,695
- Okay, racist. And also dumb. Yes.
- Mm-hmm.
839
00:39:13,696 --> 00:39:15,166
You two need any help?
840
00:39:15,167 --> 00:39:16,639
Uh, no, no, we're good.
841
00:39:16,640 --> 00:39:18,366
She just takes a while to make a decision.
842
00:39:18,367 --> 00:39:20,096
- I do.
- Yeah, you got it. Yeah.
843
00:39:20,097 --> 00:39:22,110
So I'm like "Well do you
wanna go see something else?"
844
00:39:22,111 --> 00:39:23,102
And then she says...
845
00:39:23,103 --> 00:39:25,247
Why haven't we had sex yet?
846
00:39:25,248 --> 00:39:26,240
Do you just want to be friends?
847
00:39:26,241 --> 00:39:29,151
'Cause honestly I
have enough friends.
848
00:39:29,152 --> 00:39:31,124
Where are you right now?
849
00:39:32,032 --> 00:39:33,460
[both groaning]
850
00:39:33,919 --> 00:39:36,052
Oh, my God!
851
00:39:38,497 --> 00:39:39,989
[gasping]
852
00:39:41,664 --> 00:39:43,166
Oh!
853
00:39:43,167 --> 00:39:44,799
That was awesome.
854
00:39:44,800 --> 00:39:46,196
Oh, my God.
855
00:39:46,911 --> 00:39:48,820
Oh, golly...
856
00:39:49,856 --> 00:39:52,767
Oh, sorry if I was too
noisy, but that was like...
857
00:39:52,768 --> 00:39:54,398
I don't know what got into me.
858
00:39:54,399 --> 00:39:55,445
Hey.
859
00:39:55,999 --> 00:39:57,972
Did you, uh...
860
00:39:58,591 --> 00:40:00,191
- No.
- Oh.
861
00:40:00,192 --> 00:40:02,048
But don't take it personally.
862
00:40:02,049 --> 00:40:04,181
I don't orgasm during sex that much.
863
00:40:05,152 --> 00:40:08,318
So? Lots of women don't cum during sex.
864
00:40:08,319 --> 00:40:11,392
So? No, no, no. That has
never happened to me before.
865
00:40:11,393 --> 00:40:12,704
What positions did you do?
866
00:40:12,705 --> 00:40:14,303
Um. No. We did everything.
867
00:40:14,304 --> 00:40:15,007
But, what's your favorite position?
868
00:40:15,008 --> 00:40:17,407
I don't know. The regular one?
869
00:40:17,408 --> 00:40:20,447
The regular. Come on.
870
00:40:20,448 --> 00:40:22,782
- From behind.
- Exactly. Because you hate your dad.
871
00:40:22,783 --> 00:40:24,446
Oh, my God.
872
00:40:24,447 --> 00:40:25,632
Mousetrap!
873
00:40:25,633 --> 00:40:27,134
- All set.
- Hmm.
874
00:40:27,135 --> 00:40:29,311
And can I just say, we think you two
875
00:40:29,312 --> 00:40:32,191
are the coolest married couple ever.
876
00:40:32,192 --> 00:40:33,919
- That's... We don't get that enough.
- So sweet.
877
00:40:33,920 --> 00:40:34,815
- Thank you.
- That's really sweet.
878
00:40:34,816 --> 00:40:36,000
- Yeah. Happy holidays.
- Let's go, hon.
879
00:40:36,001 --> 00:40:37,312
Happy holidays. Yes.
880
00:40:37,313 --> 00:40:39,103
I will just meet you
out by, uh, our minivan.
881
00:40:39,104 --> 00:40:40,574
- I'll meet you out front.
- Okay, great.
882
00:40:40,575 --> 00:40:41,824
- I'll have to move the car seat.
- Mm-hmm.
883
00:40:41,825 --> 00:40:43,710
- And then there will be plenty of room.
- A whole thing.
884
00:40:43,711 --> 00:40:45,566
Bye.
885
00:40:45,567 --> 00:40:47,775
Car seat? We already have a kid?
886
00:40:47,776 --> 00:40:50,078
You know, it's just
like... When do you orgasm?
887
00:40:50,079 --> 00:40:51,072
You know what, when does it happen to you?
888
00:40:51,073 --> 00:40:53,919
- When I'm with Matthew.
- Yeah, yeah, okay.
889
00:40:53,920 --> 00:40:54,965
That's it.
890
00:40:56,127 --> 00:40:58,014
That's it?
891
00:40:58,015 --> 00:40:59,710
Okay, well, that just explained everything.
892
00:40:59,711 --> 00:41:03,711
That... that's... I mean you
haven't had an orgasm in a year.
893
00:41:03,712 --> 00:41:06,847
Come on, that's bullshit.
Not even when you masturbate?
894
00:41:06,848 --> 00:41:08,894
Lainey, you've got to be kidding me!
895
00:41:08,895 --> 00:41:10,878
What you don't mastur... Why not?
896
00:41:10,879 --> 00:41:13,663
What... I don't kno...
I mean, I've tried to!
897
00:41:13,664 --> 00:41:16,928
I try. I just, I don't know, I... I...
898
00:41:16,929 --> 00:41:18,526
- I get bored.
- Bored?
899
00:41:18,527 --> 00:41:21,151
- But I feel good when I'm with Matthew.
- How's that boring?
900
00:41:21,152 --> 00:41:23,231
I don't... I don't know. I don't
know how to recreate that myself.
901
00:41:23,232 --> 00:41:25,568
Okay. Well, fuck the TV.
902
00:41:25,569 --> 00:41:26,910
I'm gonna teach you how
to finger yourself today.
903
00:41:26,911 --> 00:41:28,862
Right now, okay?
904
00:41:28,863 --> 00:41:31,807
- What?
- It's... it's go time, sister.
905
00:41:31,808 --> 00:41:34,462
- Alright. Let's go. Alright.
- Okay.
906
00:41:34,463 --> 00:41:35,582
- No, no. This is a good thing.
- Oh, boy.
907
00:41:35,583 --> 00:41:36,798
It's about time. Get it out.
908
00:41:36,799 --> 00:41:38,078
- Okay.
- I'm excited.
909
00:41:38,079 --> 00:41:40,063
For the purposes of today's tutorial
910
00:41:40,064 --> 00:41:41,983
your vagina will be played by this
911
00:41:41,984 --> 00:41:43,999
former bottle of green tea.
912
00:41:44,000 --> 00:41:45,438
- Looks just like it.
- Okay. Good to know.
913
00:41:45,439 --> 00:41:46,366
So, here's what we do.
914
00:41:46,367 --> 00:41:48,638
First thing, you take, uh, take this guy...
915
00:41:48,639 --> 00:41:50,590
...this, uh, index finger
and you're gonna just, uh
916
00:41:50,591 --> 00:41:52,478
slide in there... like that, okay?
917
00:41:52,479 --> 00:41:53,408
And you're gonna curve it up a little bit
918
00:41:53,409 --> 00:41:55,583
and I want you to tap the roof like that.
919
00:41:55,584 --> 00:41:57,886
You see that? That's your G
Spot alright, you got that?
920
00:41:57,887 --> 00:41:59,359
- Yeah. I'll check it out.
- Okay, good.
921
00:41:59,360 --> 00:42:01,087
Alright, now, next move,
alright, you're gonna take
922
00:42:01,088 --> 00:42:03,007
the middle finger here, alright?
And you know, the bad boy, right?
923
00:42:03,008 --> 00:42:04,543
You're gonna have to pop that in as well
924
00:42:04,544 --> 00:42:06,046
and you're gonna have
that one tapping the roof
925
00:42:06,047 --> 00:42:08,318
and then this one, the
middle finger is going to be
926
00:42:08,319 --> 00:42:11,647
you know, sort of circling, uh,
this, uh, just like fleshy gap area.
927
00:42:11,648 --> 00:42:13,598
- My cervix? Jesus.
- Yeah, sure.
928
00:42:13,599 --> 00:42:15,806
Okay, y-you know what it's
called. Wonderful. Good for you.
929
00:42:15,807 --> 00:42:17,599
Okay, yes, so you're gonna
go after the cervix here.
930
00:42:17,600 --> 00:42:19,839
So you're gonna mind the
gap, right, tap the roof.
931
00:42:19,840 --> 00:42:22,943
- "Mind the gap. Tap the roof."
- You got it.
932
00:42:22,944 --> 00:42:25,343
Alright, now, at this point you wanna start
thinking about something, uh, arousing.
933
00:42:25,344 --> 00:42:27,103
You know, like, uh, maybe
you wanna think about
934
00:42:27,104 --> 00:42:28,927
the guy you lost your virginity to perhaps.
935
00:42:28,928 --> 00:42:30,592
- Gross.
- Okay, and then you're gonna start to get wet.
936
00:42:30,593 --> 00:42:31,583
You're gonna start to get wet
937
00:42:31,584 --> 00:42:33,886
and then you're gonna
start to feel some, uh...
938
00:42:33,887 --> 00:42:35,838
...contractions in your vagina, alright?
939
00:42:35,839 --> 00:42:38,078
At that point you're gonna
wanna squeeze your vagina harder
940
00:42:38,079 --> 00:42:40,191
than it wants to go, okay.
941
00:42:40,192 --> 00:42:42,143
- And that's called...
- Kegeling.
942
00:42:42,144 --> 00:42:44,383
Well, it's pronounced
"Kee-gul-ing," but it doesn't matter.
943
00:42:44,384 --> 00:42:45,470
Uh, I got into med school!
944
00:42:45,471 --> 00:42:47,711
I think I know how it's pronounced.
945
00:42:47,712 --> 00:42:49,503
What? You did? You didn't tell me that.
946
00:42:49,504 --> 00:42:51,518
Oh yeah. I got in, uh, Michigan.
947
00:42:51,519 --> 00:42:55,103
- Wow! Lane, that's great.
- I know.
948
00:42:55,104 --> 00:42:57,151
Alright.
949
00:42:57,152 --> 00:42:59,838
Well, uh, are you... I mean, are
you gonna go? What are you thinking?
950
00:42:59,839 --> 00:43:01,887
Well, I... I mean, I have until
the end of the summer to decide.
951
00:43:01,888 --> 00:43:03,006
- So, I just...
- Mm-hmm.
952
00:43:03,007 --> 00:43:05,119
- Keep going!
- Oh, right. Yeah, um...
953
00:43:05,120 --> 00:43:07,038
Okay, yeah, da, da, da. Okay, let's see.
954
00:43:07,039 --> 00:43:09,375
So, uh, do you know what a dirty DJ is?
955
00:43:09,376 --> 00:43:10,846
- No.
- You don't? Okay, great.
956
00:43:10,847 --> 00:43:13,119
Okay, so the biggest
misconception that guys
957
00:43:13,120 --> 00:43:15,326
have about the clitoris,
uh, if they can find it
958
00:43:15,327 --> 00:43:17,214
- is that they're too nice to it. Okay?
- Mm-hmm.
959
00:43:17,215 --> 00:43:18,208
Like... that's the problem.
960
00:43:18,209 --> 00:43:20,830
I mean, you know, the
trick is to be a little
961
00:43:20,831 --> 00:43:21,919
rude to the clitoris, okay?
962
00:43:21,920 --> 00:43:23,007
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
963
00:43:23,008 --> 00:43:25,630
Just go to town on this
little motherfucker right here.
964
00:43:25,631 --> 00:43:26,687
You just... like you
just... Tweet, tweet, tweet.
965
00:43:26,688 --> 00:43:27,839
You know, so that's the dirty DJ.
966
00:43:27,840 --> 00:43:29,087
You know, like you're scratching
a record. You know, this...
967
00:43:29,088 --> 00:43:31,412
Tweet tweet tweet.
968
00:43:32,063 --> 00:43:33,503
Let... let... let the drummer...
969
00:43:33,504 --> 00:43:36,254
Let... let... let the
drummer get wicked, right?
970
00:43:36,255 --> 00:43:37,566
And you just really wanna
work that little bugger.
971
00:43:37,567 --> 00:43:39,679
You know, remember like
the old IBM ThinkPads?
972
00:43:39,680 --> 00:43:41,343
- Mm-hmm.
- And that little nub. Right?
973
00:43:41,344 --> 00:43:43,166
Okay, so you just really
go after it like that.
974
00:43:43,167 --> 00:43:44,382
- Just like this. Yeah.
- Yeah.
975
00:43:44,383 --> 00:43:47,231
Right, so, uh, you have that
that's... that's phase three.
976
00:43:47,232 --> 00:43:49,631
- Mm-hmm.
- So, again, you know... Yeah, perfect.
977
00:43:49,632 --> 00:43:51,742
- Natural. Okay? Yeah, so tap the roof.
- I know.
978
00:43:51,743 --> 00:43:53,983
Mind the gap. Oh, see.
Okay, yeah. Work all three.
979
00:43:53,984 --> 00:43:55,934
- He's there.
- Look at that. It's like you're doing...
980
00:43:55,935 --> 00:43:57,470
- Right there.
- Oh boy, oh boy.
981
00:43:57,471 --> 00:44:00,446
It's like, I feel like
Anne Sullivan teaching
982
00:44:00,447 --> 00:44:02,399
Helen Keller about water and
everything else is amazing.
983
00:44:02,400 --> 00:44:03,518
- What a breakthrough!
- Mm-hmm.
984
00:44:03,519 --> 00:44:04,511
- Yeah, that's it.
- Like that?
985
00:44:04,512 --> 00:44:05,950
Yeah, you know, just take a night
986
00:44:05,951 --> 00:44:08,895
crack open a bottle of rose and...
987
00:44:08,896 --> 00:44:11,358
...just have multiple orgasms.
988
00:44:11,359 --> 00:44:14,325
If you want, you know... You know...
989
00:44:17,727 --> 00:44:19,999
Uh, primatologists actually
believed that... that
990
00:44:20,000 --> 00:44:24,415
women evolved this way so that, uh...
991
00:44:24,416 --> 00:44:27,603
...they could mate with as many
men in one session as possible.
992
00:44:28,608 --> 00:44:30,463
- Fucking awesome. You know that's...
- Yeah.
993
00:44:30,464 --> 00:44:34,047
- That's neat.
- Multiple orgasms for multiple partners, you know.
994
00:44:34,048 --> 00:44:36,063
Sure, yeah.
995
00:44:36,064 --> 00:44:38,814
Gang bangs, and such.
996
00:44:38,815 --> 00:44:40,244
Yeah.
997
00:44:42,495 --> 00:44:44,511
- I'm gonna go home.
- Yeah. Me too.
998
00:44:44,512 --> 00:44:46,270
- No, no. You live here.
- Yes I do!
999
00:44:46,271 --> 00:44:47,263
- Okay.
- Bye!
1000
00:44:47,264 --> 00:44:48,287
- Bye now.
- Thank you.
1001
00:44:48,288 --> 00:44:49,717
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1002
00:44:52,383 --> 00:44:54,142
I think... I think
it's a little bit weird
1003
00:44:54,143 --> 00:44:55,295
that a straight dude had
to tell you all that.
1004
00:44:55,296 --> 00:44:57,406
I think it's sort of great.
1005
00:44:57,407 --> 00:44:59,679
I mean, he's... he's actually
dating. He's not cheating.
1006
00:44:59,680 --> 00:45:02,142
And I... and I hardly think
about Matthew. Like ever.
1007
00:45:02,143 --> 00:45:03,967
Yeah, 'cause you're in a
relationship with each other.
1008
00:45:03,968 --> 00:45:05,759
No, we're not.
1009
00:45:05,760 --> 00:45:07,327
Oh, you're not out there!
1010
00:45:07,328 --> 00:45:09,630
I mean, this Jake guy
is taking up emotional
1011
00:45:09,631 --> 00:45:12,479
real estate that could be
occupied by a real option, okay?
1012
00:45:12,480 --> 00:45:13,759
You leased the space out to Matthew.
1013
00:45:13,760 --> 00:45:15,423
Rent free I might add.
1014
00:45:15,424 --> 00:45:17,598
And now, you... you just
replaced him with another
1015
00:45:17,599 --> 00:45:21,023
unavailable avoidant
breeder you don't fuck.
1016
00:45:21,024 --> 00:45:23,934
- Like where's the fucking...
- Hey babe. Sorry, I'm late.
1017
00:45:23,935 --> 00:45:25,246
Look at this little baby face.
1018
00:45:25,247 --> 00:45:27,135
It's beautiful. Oh, my God.
1019
00:45:27,136 --> 00:45:28,799
Very sick in the head though.
1020
00:45:28,800 --> 00:45:30,590
Very sick in the head.
1021
00:45:30,591 --> 00:45:33,278
- How's your fake boyfriend?
- Oh, my God!
1022
00:45:33,279 --> 00:45:36,127
- We're just friends!
- Men and women can't be friends.
1023
00:45:36,128 --> 00:45:37,439
It's like life 101. Stop lying to yourself.
1024
00:45:37,440 --> 00:45:40,383
Come one! That's bullshit.
It's the 21st century.
1025
00:45:40,384 --> 00:45:42,558
We know that's not true.
You and I are friends.
1026
00:45:42,559 --> 00:45:45,023
But sex doesn't get in
the way of our friendship.
1027
00:45:45,024 --> 00:45:47,198
I'm not attracted to you.
and I have zero penises.
1028
00:45:47,199 --> 00:45:50,014
- I am.
- Hi, George.
1029
00:45:50,015 --> 00:45:51,999
- Hi, it's me. Your girlfriend.
- What? Oh!
1030
00:45:52,000 --> 00:45:53,663
I like bad girls with daddy issues.
1031
00:45:53,664 --> 00:45:55,390
She's 22, she'll fuck anyone.
1032
00:45:55,391 --> 00:45:57,247
- Wait. I'm sorry, no.
- You know.
1033
00:45:57,248 --> 00:46:00,212
Serious, she's probably fucked
everyone in here but I don't even care.
1034
00:46:03,456 --> 00:46:05,119
You got a minute?
1035
00:46:05,120 --> 00:46:07,795
Not really. I'm kind of
in the middle of something.
1036
00:46:08,511 --> 00:46:10,783
- I was thinking.
- Oh, yeah?
1037
00:46:10,784 --> 00:46:13,588
Do you wanna come to Henry's
birthday party this weekend?
1038
00:46:14,271 --> 00:46:16,127
- Really?
- Yep.
1039
00:46:16,128 --> 00:46:17,950
Xander, in the 8 years
I've known you as a father
1040
00:46:17,951 --> 00:46:20,926
you have never once invited me to
any function involving your children.
1041
00:46:20,927 --> 00:46:23,358
- Hear me out. I was thinking.
- Mm-hmm.
1042
00:46:23,359 --> 00:46:25,342
Maybe you and Lainey...
1043
00:46:25,343 --> 00:46:28,254
Ah, I knew it! No. See,
Lainey and I are not dating.
1044
00:46:28,255 --> 00:46:30,558
I know that. I'm not
saying you have to date her.
1045
00:46:30,559 --> 00:46:32,062
I'm not saying you have
to come as a couple.
1046
00:46:32,063 --> 00:46:34,942
I'm just saying arrive
at the party together.
1047
00:46:34,943 --> 00:46:37,183
Come as friends or whatever this
fucked up thing you guys have...
1048
00:46:37,184 --> 00:46:39,518
- We're... we're best friends.
- No, we're best friends!
1049
00:46:39,519 --> 00:46:41,726
- That's not true.
- What?
1050
00:46:41,727 --> 00:46:44,031
Look, she's my best friend and I would say
1051
00:46:44,032 --> 00:46:45,951
by circumstance and certainly duration
1052
00:46:45,952 --> 00:46:47,583
you would be my next best friend.
1053
00:46:47,584 --> 00:46:50,078
Okay, you know what, I'll even allow that.
1054
00:46:50,079 --> 00:46:53,919
- You're my last single friend, I can't have you...
- So what?
1055
00:46:53,920 --> 00:46:54,974
- Hey.
- What are you talking about?
1056
00:46:54,975 --> 00:46:57,310
- Yes.
- We have a meeting with group sales in 20.
1057
00:46:57,311 --> 00:46:58,110
- Are you two prepared.
- Huh?
1058
00:46:58,111 --> 00:46:59,294
Not at all.
1059
00:46:59,295 --> 00:47:01,567
Should I reschedule the meeting
1060
00:47:01,568 --> 00:47:03,167
when you are ready? 5 or 6 months from now?
1061
00:47:03,168 --> 00:47:04,991
I would make it a cool 7.
1062
00:47:04,992 --> 00:47:06,654
Yeah, 7 at least.
1063
00:47:06,655 --> 00:47:09,311
Shit, I'm not available
then. Oh, well, I tried.
1064
00:47:09,312 --> 00:47:10,687
See you in 20?
1065
00:47:10,688 --> 00:47:12,222
You got it, boss.
1066
00:47:12,223 --> 00:47:15,358
- Oh, yeah. Mousetrap
- What the fuck is that?
1067
00:47:15,359 --> 00:47:18,302
- That was repartee.
- That's... that's exactly why I can't have you at the party.
1068
00:47:18,303 --> 00:47:20,095
Because you have repartee with everybody.
1069
00:47:20,096 --> 00:47:21,855
You love repartee.
1070
00:47:21,856 --> 00:47:23,966
All you want to do is flit around the party
1071
00:47:23,967 --> 00:47:25,821
flirt with the moms.
1072
00:47:25,822 --> 00:47:28,446
And then they all get mad, and
then they turn on each other.
1073
00:47:28,447 --> 00:47:31,390
Then they yell at Naomi,
then Naomi yells at me.
1074
00:47:31,391 --> 00:47:33,599
Then they won't let their
kids play with my kids.
1075
00:47:33,600 --> 00:47:36,382
Then I have to play with my kids
because my kids have no friends.
1076
00:47:36,383 --> 00:47:39,230
I'm raising friendless
children because of you.
1077
00:47:39,231 --> 00:47:40,319
- Do you understand?
- I...
1078
00:47:40,320 --> 00:47:43,806
It is a cascading shit
storm that is your creation.
1079
00:47:43,807 --> 00:47:47,231
A tremendous amount of Malcolm
Gladwellian logic jumps.
1080
00:47:47,232 --> 00:47:51,102
We'll you've spent 10,000
hours fucking my life up.
1081
00:47:51,103 --> 00:47:53,503
- So bring Lainey to the party.
- Okay. Fine.
1082
00:47:53,504 --> 00:47:56,446
I will, uh, you know, on
behalf of your children and...
1083
00:47:56,447 --> 00:47:58,335
...and Naomi, I will, uh...
1084
00:47:58,336 --> 00:47:59,455
I'll talk to Lainey and see what we can do.
1085
00:47:59,456 --> 00:48:03,102
Listen, I'm not saying you
and Lainey need to date.
1086
00:48:03,103 --> 00:48:05,406
I'm just saying, for the first time
1087
00:48:05,407 --> 00:48:07,443
I'm a little bit optimistic...
1088
00:48:08,160 --> 00:48:10,805
...you might not become that creepy guy.
1089
00:48:11,199 --> 00:48:12,607
But he's got a point.
1090
00:48:12,608 --> 00:48:14,622
I'm gonna be the creepy old dude!
1091
00:48:14,623 --> 00:48:16,735
Like, that's sucks and then what happens
1092
00:48:16,736 --> 00:48:18,815
when my dick doesn't get
as hard as it used to, okay.
1093
00:48:18,816 --> 00:48:20,990
'Cause that's gonna happen. It's
gonna happen, it's inevitable.
1094
00:48:20,991 --> 00:48:22,654
And... and young chicks
don't put up with that shit
1095
00:48:22,655 --> 00:48:24,255
they have no time for that.
1096
00:48:24,256 --> 00:48:26,270
And older women are gonna be
1097
00:48:26,271 --> 00:48:28,478
no way near into my nonsense. Okay?
1098
00:48:28,479 --> 00:48:30,367
Just not into it at all.
1099
00:48:30,368 --> 00:48:31,934
It's... it's at that point, what do I do?
1100
00:48:31,935 --> 00:48:34,047
I just buy the fedora
and move to Miami, right?
1101
00:48:34,048 --> 00:48:35,710
Make a golf cart in my
own motor transportation.
1102
00:48:35,711 --> 00:48:37,054
I've never seen you like this.
I... I... you're spinning.
1103
00:48:37,055 --> 00:48:39,071
- I can't believe it. I mean...
- You're spinning, and honestly.
1104
00:48:39,072 --> 00:48:40,126
Get... get lucky and... and happy about...
1105
00:48:40,127 --> 00:48:40,958
Honestly you sound like a woman.
1106
00:48:40,959 --> 00:48:41,886
You know, bachelor, bachelor parties
1107
00:48:41,887 --> 00:48:44,350
for people third marriages. Like, that's...
1108
00:48:44,351 --> 00:48:46,324
What... what is that? That's crazy.
1109
00:48:47,231 --> 00:48:49,278
- It's him.
- Him who?
1110
00:48:49,279 --> 00:48:50,462
[cellphone ringing]
1111
00:48:50,463 --> 00:48:52,031
He never calls. He always texts.
1112
00:48:52,032 --> 00:48:53,437
Okay, no! Don't... don't answer that.
1113
00:48:53,438 --> 00:48:54,366
- Jake! Jake!
- Don't answer it. No.
1114
00:48:54,367 --> 00:48:55,807
- Give me the phone!
- No. Absolutely...
1115
00:48:55,808 --> 00:48:56,640
Lainey, what are you doing?
1116
00:48:56,641 --> 00:48:58,782
Hey, you don't do this anymore, okay?
1117
00:48:58,783 --> 00:48:59,998
Remember? We're okay.
1118
00:48:59,999 --> 00:49:00,928
I'm sorry, yeah.
1119
00:49:00,929 --> 00:49:01,822
You got to breathe. Lainey, please breathe.
1120
00:49:01,823 --> 00:49:04,093
- Is there a problem?
- What? Uh, yeah.
1121
00:49:04,094 --> 00:49:05,791
My wife, she's prone to panic attacks.
1122
00:49:05,792 --> 00:49:08,414
It's this guy she's sleeping
with. Uh, it's alright.
1123
00:49:08,415 --> 00:49:11,231
Okay, it's... Hey dude get
the fuck out of here, I got it.
1124
00:49:11,232 --> 00:49:12,479
- Oh, easy. Alright, alright.
- Okay? Thank you.
1125
00:49:12,480 --> 00:49:16,159
I appreciate you concern,
Superman! Fly away.
1126
00:49:16,160 --> 00:49:18,847
Baby, just breath, okay? Will you? Okay?
1127
00:49:18,848 --> 00:49:20,543
Okay? Here. Come on, sit down.
1128
00:49:20,544 --> 00:49:22,014
You're gonna be okay. It's alright.
1129
00:49:22,015 --> 00:49:24,606
You just got to breathe. Please. Okay?
1130
00:49:24,607 --> 00:49:26,302
Okay?
1131
00:49:26,303 --> 00:49:28,575
Yeah. There you go.
1132
00:49:28,576 --> 00:49:30,750
Lainey, this is just fear, alright?
1133
00:49:30,751 --> 00:49:34,003
A really, really large dose of fear.
1134
00:49:36,128 --> 00:49:37,598
That's all that's going on.
1135
00:49:37,599 --> 00:49:39,518
A little adrenaline, in a bad way.
1136
00:49:39,519 --> 00:49:41,461
Does that make sense?
1137
00:49:43,102 --> 00:49:44,990
Also...
1138
00:49:44,991 --> 00:49:46,878
...mousetrap.
1139
00:49:46,879 --> 00:49:49,566
Complete and total mousetrap right now.
1140
00:49:49,567 --> 00:49:52,671
- Oh, my God.
- Stop. You're so fucked up.
1141
00:49:52,672 --> 00:49:54,462
I'm fucked up? What are you talking about?
1142
00:49:54,463 --> 00:49:56,639
You... you went Kathy Bates in "Misery"
1143
00:49:56,640 --> 00:49:57,662
in the middle of Central Park.
1144
00:49:57,663 --> 00:50:00,446
You know... come on.
Maybe we're both fucked up.
1145
00:50:00,447 --> 00:50:02,527
At least give me that. Come
on. You wanna get out of here?
1146
00:50:02,528 --> 00:50:04,926
Yeah, Central Park sucks.
1147
00:50:04,927 --> 00:50:07,487
No, it's... I mean, it's just
a goddamn bird toilet anyway.
1148
00:50:07,488 --> 00:50:09,214
You know, it's... ugh!
1149
00:50:09,215 --> 00:50:12,372
Almost done. Just one more.
1150
00:50:14,655 --> 00:50:15,700
[grunts]
1151
00:50:17,504 --> 00:50:19,519
This is the greatest
movie ever made.
1152
00:50:19,520 --> 00:50:20,766
Yeah, of course you love it.
1153
00:50:20,767 --> 00:50:22,686
- Look at her.
- God I love you.
1154
00:50:22,687 --> 00:50:24,223
That's you, baby.
1155
00:50:24,224 --> 00:50:26,933
I love you! I'm gonna
murder you while I love you.
1156
00:50:28,191 --> 00:50:29,887
That's the second time you said that. Hmm.
1157
00:50:29,888 --> 00:50:30,996
Said what?
1158
00:50:31,904 --> 00:50:33,438
You called me baby just now.
1159
00:50:33,439 --> 00:50:36,286
And you said it the other day too.
1160
00:50:36,287 --> 00:50:37,822
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
1161
00:50:37,823 --> 00:50:39,167
No, I mean, it was a total accident.
1162
00:50:39,168 --> 00:50:40,158
- I don't...
- That's okay.
1163
00:50:40,159 --> 00:50:42,516
- I don't know why I would...
- Oh.
1164
00:50:43,424 --> 00:50:45,396
- Yeah.
- Oh.
1165
00:50:51,967 --> 00:50:54,100
[indistinct chattering on TV]
1166
00:50:55,936 --> 00:50:57,909
Do you want talk about it?
1167
00:51:00,704 --> 00:51:02,068
Talk about what?
1168
00:51:03,519 --> 00:51:06,451
We're not a couple bur we act like one.
1169
00:51:12,319 --> 00:51:13,502
Yeah.
1170
00:51:13,503 --> 00:51:16,020
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um...
1171
00:51:17,534 --> 00:51:18,974
I mean, I guess I've been...
1172
00:51:18,975 --> 00:51:20,414
...putting this
conversation off for a while.
1173
00:51:20,415 --> 00:51:22,206
- We don't have to...
- No. No. No. It's good.
1174
00:51:22,207 --> 00:51:24,372
It's good. We should. Um...
1175
00:51:26,816 --> 00:51:29,204
Um, okay, well...
1176
00:51:30,944 --> 00:51:33,438
You take this risk...
1177
00:51:33,439 --> 00:51:35,326
...when you start sleeping with people.
1178
00:51:35,327 --> 00:51:37,150
You know, you, uh...
1179
00:51:37,151 --> 00:51:39,518
...you risk losing them, right?
1180
00:51:39,519 --> 00:51:42,078
For me, I... you know, I've...
never slept with someone
1181
00:51:42,079 --> 00:51:43,988
I wasn't willing to lose.
1182
00:51:46,046 --> 00:51:48,372
Except one time.
1183
00:51:49,311 --> 00:51:51,061
And, um...
1184
00:51:52,672 --> 00:51:57,023
And it... kills me that you're
probably gonna go to Michigan.
1185
00:51:57,024 --> 00:51:58,878
And it kills me that
I can't ask you to stay
1186
00:51:58,879 --> 00:52:01,471
because I have no right
to, you know, and...
1187
00:52:01,472 --> 00:52:03,102
Oh.
1188
00:52:03,103 --> 00:52:05,470
So I just want to ...spend as much time
1189
00:52:05,471 --> 00:52:08,437
with my best friend as I possibly can.
1190
00:52:09,343 --> 00:52:11,796
Before I lose her again.
1191
00:52:15,072 --> 00:52:16,927
I'm sorry. I'm being
selfish. I know it's like...
1192
00:52:16,928 --> 00:52:19,349
No. You're telling the truth.
1193
00:52:20,959 --> 00:52:23,486
Yeah.
1194
00:52:23,487 --> 00:52:26,751
♪ All in your arm it is ♪
1195
00:52:26,752 --> 00:52:29,597
♪ All in your arms ♪
1196
00:52:29,598 --> 00:52:32,799
♪ You look so tired living ♪
1197
00:52:32,800 --> 00:52:35,935
So what now?
1198
00:52:35,936 --> 00:52:39,582
♪ Like a kite ♪
1199
00:52:39,583 --> 00:52:41,502
♪ Kite ♪
1200
00:52:41,503 --> 00:52:43,071
♪ Kite ♪
1201
00:52:43,072 --> 00:52:46,133
♪ Kite ♪♪
1202
00:52:54,239 --> 00:52:56,222
- Hey, I got an idea.
- Hmm.
1203
00:52:56,223 --> 00:52:58,708
Will you...
1204
00:53:01,568 --> 00:53:05,022
...take Molly with me and
go to a kid's birthday party?
1205
00:53:05,023 --> 00:53:08,383
I literally thought you'd never ask.
1206
00:53:08,384 --> 00:53:09,406
You thought I'd never get to this?
1207
00:53:09,407 --> 00:53:11,581
I thought you'd never get to this.
1208
00:53:11,582 --> 00:53:13,183
Where have you been all my life?
1209
00:53:13,184 --> 00:53:14,611
I...
1210
00:53:15,487 --> 00:53:17,662
Right over your shoulder.
1211
00:53:17,663 --> 00:53:19,134
Waiting.
1212
00:53:19,135 --> 00:53:21,502
For the right moment.
1213
00:53:21,503 --> 00:53:22,718
Is that a yes or a no?
1214
00:53:22,719 --> 00:53:23,775
[laughs]
1215
00:53:23,776 --> 00:53:25,725
[doorbell dings]
1216
00:53:25,726 --> 00:53:28,735
- Happy birthday!
- Happy birthday!
1217
00:53:28,736 --> 00:53:31,103
Look who it is. Look at
this little human here.
1218
00:53:31,104 --> 00:53:32,734
- Hello. Happy birthday.
- Hi. Happy birthday!
1219
00:53:32,735 --> 00:53:34,398
- It's you're birthday!
- It's you're birthday!
1220
00:53:34,399 --> 00:53:36,127
Actually, it's, uh, it's Henry's.
1221
00:53:36,128 --> 00:53:38,334
- He's seven. She's not seven.
- Oh.
1222
00:53:38,335 --> 00:53:39,647
But, you know, I'm so
happy you guys are here.
1223
00:53:39,648 --> 00:53:43,039
Oh, my God. Are you guys high?
1224
00:53:43,040 --> 00:53:45,246
- We're actually rolling.
- Ecstasy?
1225
00:53:45,247 --> 00:53:47,261
You know, that's how
actually Henry was conceived.
1226
00:53:47,262 --> 00:53:48,702
- No kidding.
- Yeah.
1227
00:53:48,703 --> 00:53:50,174
- Well that explains a lot.
- Full circle.
1228
00:53:50,175 --> 00:53:52,062
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Don't have a baby, guys.
1229
00:53:52,063 --> 00:53:54,621
No offense, but seriously, just...
1230
00:53:54,622 --> 00:53:56,029
- Yeah.
- Be safe. You know what I mean.
1231
00:53:56,030 --> 00:53:58,782
- But I'm so happy you guys are here. Okay.
- It's so good to see you.
1232
00:53:58,783 --> 00:54:00,734
Oh, transformers guy didn't show up...
1233
00:54:00,735 --> 00:54:03,261
- Are you kidding?
- No, no, no. Oh, my God.
1234
00:54:03,262 --> 00:54:04,830
- Just kidding. No. Okay.
- It feels soft and smooth.
1235
00:54:04,831 --> 00:54:07,583
No, and so there's a little bit of a
meltdown. It's a little bit of a crisis.
1236
00:54:07,584 --> 00:54:09,310
- Hey, here you go.
- Oh, is this for Henry?
1237
00:54:09,311 --> 00:54:10,878
- Yeah.
- Oh, great.
1238
00:54:10,879 --> 00:54:12,862
He loves New York ladies flip flops.
1239
00:54:12,863 --> 00:54:14,527
Oh, no, no, no. Those are mine.
Those are for me. Those are me.
1240
00:54:14,528 --> 00:54:15,199
Sorry, that shouldn't be in there.
1241
00:54:15,200 --> 00:54:15,998
It's just a shitload of candy.
1242
00:54:15,999 --> 00:54:18,494
Great. Okay. Um, that'll be nice.
1243
00:54:18,495 --> 00:54:20,830
- Are those hot pads also for Henry?
- Yes.
1244
00:54:20,831 --> 00:54:22,878
- Okay.
- Can I just hold them now?
1245
00:54:22,879 --> 00:54:24,445
Sure. Okay, come in.
1246
00:54:24,446 --> 00:54:27,677
Okay, hopefully she
goes down for her nap.
1247
00:54:27,678 --> 00:54:30,527
- Okay. Oh, my God.
- Oh, man, it's broken.
1248
00:54:30,528 --> 00:54:32,511
- Oh, wow. This is...
- That kid has a hose.
1249
00:54:32,512 --> 00:54:34,271
- Oh!
- That kid has a hose.
1250
00:54:34,272 --> 00:54:35,422
You guys made it, huh?
1251
00:54:35,423 --> 00:54:38,942
Welcome to the hell scape that
is my son's birthday party.
1252
00:54:38,943 --> 00:54:40,543
It's birth control.
1253
00:54:40,544 --> 00:54:42,718
Okay, when I say "Hello," you say "Hi."
1254
00:54:42,719 --> 00:54:44,062
- Hello!
- Hi!
1255
00:54:44,063 --> 00:54:45,630
- Hello!
- Hi!
1256
00:54:45,631 --> 00:54:48,126
I'm Miss Dalton! So, you say "Hi."
1257
00:54:48,127 --> 00:54:50,621
- Hi, Miss Dalton!
- Hi, Miss Dalton!
1258
00:54:50,622 --> 00:54:52,063
Great! Okay, who wants to learn a dance!
1259
00:54:52,064 --> 00:54:53,437
- Me!
- Yes!
1260
00:54:53,438 --> 00:54:55,070
Okay, everybody go out to the grass.
1261
00:54:55,071 --> 00:54:58,782
I will meet you there.
I will be right there.
1262
00:54:58,783 --> 00:55:01,822
Naomi, put on track 7 on my workout mix.
1263
00:55:01,823 --> 00:55:03,742
Wait. Hey, Lainey. You...
you don't have to do this.
1264
00:55:03,743 --> 00:55:05,533
It's not your responsibility.
1265
00:55:05,534 --> 00:55:08,638
Okay, relax. I do this for a living.
1266
00:55:08,639 --> 00:55:10,813
Also, 2 minutes ago, I accepted
1267
00:55:10,814 --> 00:55:13,086
my body for the first time.
1268
00:55:13,087 --> 00:55:15,229
- That a girl!
- Okay.
1269
00:55:15,230 --> 00:55:18,205
- She dances for a living?
- No, deals with kids.
1270
00:55:18,206 --> 00:55:20,285
She told me to relax, and the word lasted
1271
00:55:20,286 --> 00:55:22,227
for like 4 seconds.
1272
00:55:23,007 --> 00:55:24,382
Okay, okay. Great.
1273
00:55:24,383 --> 00:55:25,982
Alright. Are you guys
ready to learn a dance?
1274
00:55:25,983 --> 00:55:27,549
- Yeah!
- Yes!
1275
00:55:27,550 --> 00:55:28,830
Okay. This is good.
1276
00:55:28,831 --> 00:55:31,710
Because everyone likes
a person that can dance.
1277
00:55:31,711 --> 00:55:34,365
And this dance you can do anywhere.
1278
00:55:34,366 --> 00:55:36,158
All you need is your...
1279
00:55:36,159 --> 00:55:38,238
- Body!
- Yes.
1280
00:55:38,239 --> 00:55:40,062
And... and just a little...
1281
00:55:40,063 --> 00:55:42,013
- Music!
- Yes! Yes!
1282
00:55:42,014 --> 00:55:43,453
Okay, are you guys
ready to learn the moves?
1283
00:55:43,454 --> 00:55:44,285
- Ready to learn some moves?
- Yes!
1284
00:55:44,286 --> 00:55:45,981
Yes! Okay.
1285
00:55:45,982 --> 00:55:47,646
Let's do this!
1286
00:55:47,647 --> 00:55:49,619
[upbeat music]
1287
00:55:52,063 --> 00:55:54,877
♪ I know when to go out ♪
1288
00:55:54,878 --> 00:55:57,438
♪ I know when to stay in ♪
1289
00:55:57,439 --> 00:55:59,293
On my count.
1290
00:55:59,294 --> 00:56:00,381
Here we go!
1291
00:56:00,382 --> 00:56:02,686
5, 6, 7, 8.
1292
00:56:02,687 --> 00:56:05,245
♪ I catch the paper boy ♪
1293
00:56:05,246 --> 00:56:07,518
♪ But things don't really change ♪
1294
00:56:07,519 --> 00:56:10,237
♪ I'm standing in the wind ♪
1295
00:56:10,238 --> 00:56:13,075
♪ But I never wave bye bye ♪
1296
00:56:15,680 --> 00:56:18,590
♪ But I try I try ♪
1297
00:56:18,591 --> 00:56:21,981
- Ugh, I miss drugs.
- Why don't we do drugs?
1298
00:56:21,982 --> 00:56:23,646
Because he have to control these lives
1299
00:56:23,647 --> 00:56:26,239
that we gave birth to.
1300
00:56:26,240 --> 00:56:27,710
First of all, I gave birth to them.
1301
00:56:27,711 --> 00:56:29,566
- Alright, whatever.
- We gave birth to?
1302
00:56:29,567 --> 00:56:30,877
♪ It's just the power to charm ♪
1303
00:56:30,878 --> 00:56:33,310
♪ I'm lyin' in the rain ♪
1304
00:56:33,311 --> 00:56:36,243
♪ But I never wave bye bye ♪
1305
00:56:38,654 --> 00:56:41,725
♪ But I try ♪
1306
00:56:41,726 --> 00:56:44,212
♪ I try ♪♪
1307
00:56:45,983 --> 00:56:48,541
- I have not felt that free.
- Seriously.
1308
00:56:48,542 --> 00:56:51,358
- Maybe my whole life.
- What?
1309
00:56:51,359 --> 00:56:53,950
[kids laughing]
1310
00:56:53,951 --> 00:56:55,261
- I want that...
- Here we go. Hold it.
1311
00:56:55,262 --> 00:56:56,511
Oh. What are you doing?
1312
00:56:56,512 --> 00:56:59,805
Okay, okay, he's gonna put a stop to it.
1313
00:56:59,806 --> 00:57:01,118
Hey, alright, hey, uh...
1314
00:57:01,119 --> 00:57:02,301
Now, we're gonna have
the time to freestyle.
1315
00:57:02,302 --> 00:57:04,093
- Who knows who to freestyle?
- Me!
1316
00:57:04,094 --> 00:57:05,694
Alright... alright, grab your folks.
1317
00:57:05,695 --> 00:57:06,814
Who's the choreographer?
1318
00:57:06,815 --> 00:57:08,413
Oh, that's Jake's friend Lainey.
1319
00:57:08,414 --> 00:57:10,877
Jake's friend Lainey, who
he really wants to fuck.
1320
00:57:10,878 --> 00:57:13,502
- Yeah, really wants to get deep, deep up in there.
- Like bad.
1321
00:57:13,503 --> 00:57:15,165
- Like gross.
- Mm-hmm.
1322
00:57:15,166 --> 00:57:17,619
- So she's single?
- Oh, 100 percent.
1323
00:57:19,070 --> 00:57:22,195
[music continues]
1324
00:57:37,247 --> 00:57:39,220
This was an awful idea.
1325
00:57:40,159 --> 00:57:41,502
Oh, wow, that's weird.
1326
00:57:41,503 --> 00:57:43,902
I can hear my mom's
voice when I'm underwater.
1327
00:57:43,903 --> 00:57:45,501
Oh, that's... It is good stuff.
1328
00:57:45,502 --> 00:57:47,166
Excuse me.
1329
00:57:47,167 --> 00:57:48,926
I'm Chris. This is Paul.
1330
00:57:48,927 --> 00:57:50,653
Lainey. Jake.
1331
00:57:50,654 --> 00:57:54,013
Ah, hi, you two. Are you guys married?
1332
00:57:54,014 --> 00:57:57,342
This is my son, and he really liked
dancing with you. Didn't you, buddy?
1333
00:57:57,343 --> 00:57:59,519
Dude, are you really using
your kid to hit on my friend?
1334
00:57:59,520 --> 00:58:01,501
Shut up. Ignore him. He's on drugs.
1335
00:58:01,502 --> 00:58:03,614
Paul, nice to meet you.
1336
00:58:03,615 --> 00:58:06,109
We're headin' out. But here's my info.
1337
00:58:06,110 --> 00:58:08,126
In case you feel like you might need it.
1338
00:58:08,127 --> 00:58:09,886
Come on, buddy. You can drive.
1339
00:58:09,887 --> 00:58:12,221
Oh, boy, "In case you might need it?"
1340
00:58:12,222 --> 00:58:14,813
Why would you need his info?
1341
00:58:14,814 --> 00:58:17,085
You're jealous.
1342
00:58:17,086 --> 00:58:18,781
I'm going to assume it's
because you're coming down
1343
00:58:18,782 --> 00:58:20,317
off a powerful drug.
1344
00:58:20,318 --> 00:58:21,694
First part, false. Second part, true.
1345
00:58:21,695 --> 00:58:23,229
"Chris Smith."
1346
00:58:23,230 --> 00:58:24,479
Hold on. What?
1347
00:58:24,480 --> 00:58:27,007
His name's Chris Smith?
1348
00:58:27,008 --> 00:58:28,574
It is?
1349
00:58:28,575 --> 00:58:31,295
As in Chris Smith tree?
1350
00:58:31,296 --> 00:58:32,511
As in Chris Smith carol?
1351
00:58:32,512 --> 00:58:35,229
- No.
- Holy smokes!
1352
00:58:35,230 --> 00:58:37,086
I always thought he'd
be heavier with a beard.
1353
00:58:37,087 --> 00:58:39,133
- Leave him alone.
- I love it. It's great.
1354
00:58:39,134 --> 00:58:40,605
Okay, I'm gonna try it again, alright?
1355
00:58:40,606 --> 00:58:42,045
Just see if any of the water goes down.
1356
00:58:42,046 --> 00:58:44,370
I'm gonna see how much
I can drink. Here we go.
1357
00:58:49,246 --> 00:58:51,711
I love those "Rush
Hour" movies. Oh, my God.
1358
00:58:51,712 --> 00:58:53,918
Anything that African American guy says
1359
00:58:53,919 --> 00:58:55,421
anything at all and I'm laughing, you know.
1360
00:58:55,422 --> 00:58:58,078
Hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
1361
00:58:58,079 --> 00:59:01,245
- Shit, that was dumb.
- No, Chris. It's fine.
1362
00:59:01,246 --> 00:59:03,166
They're great. They're such good movies.
1363
00:59:03,167 --> 00:59:05,151
I was married for 8 years.
1364
00:59:05,152 --> 00:59:09,268
And I just... I haven't
done this in a while.
1365
00:59:09,855 --> 00:59:12,052
Me neither.
1366
00:59:13,151 --> 00:59:14,430
Are you okay?
1367
00:59:14,431 --> 00:59:16,989
Yeah. Yeah.
1368
00:59:16,990 --> 00:59:18,740
[moans]
1369
00:59:24,960 --> 00:59:26,387
Yeah.
1370
00:59:27,038 --> 00:59:29,587
Be rude to it.
1371
00:59:33,631 --> 00:59:35,059
Yeah.
1372
00:59:35,615 --> 00:59:38,931
[upbeat music]
1373
00:59:40,447 --> 00:59:41,875
[laughing]
1374
00:59:43,230 --> 00:59:45,747
That was ridiculous.
1375
00:59:47,775 --> 00:59:50,846
The Dirty DJ was our thing, okay?
1376
00:59:50,847 --> 00:59:51,966
- Jake.
- That was our thing.
1377
00:59:51,967 --> 00:59:53,725
Okay, let me be super clear here.
1378
00:59:53,726 --> 00:59:55,102
Mm-hmm. Please.
1379
00:59:55,103 --> 00:59:57,917
We don't have things that are sexual.
1380
00:59:57,918 --> 01:00:02,301
We don't sleep with each
other, so we don't have things.
1381
01:00:02,302 --> 01:00:04,926
Okay, but you know what I mean, alright?
1382
01:00:04,927 --> 01:00:07,293
I taught you that as a gift to you.
1383
01:00:07,294 --> 01:00:10,461
That was not a Chris Smith gift, okay?
1384
01:00:10,462 --> 01:00:12,350
So. I don't get mad when you bring
other chicks to our restaurant.
1385
01:00:12,351 --> 01:00:14,238
- Our restaurant?
- Yes.
1386
01:00:14,239 --> 01:00:16,734
Oh, thank you. Yeah. Our restaurant?
1387
01:00:16,735 --> 01:00:18,557
I didn't know we put a
down payment on this place.
1388
01:00:18,558 --> 01:00:19,870
Come on.
1389
01:00:19,871 --> 01:00:21,469
You know, I love it that you get ownership
1390
01:00:21,470 --> 01:00:23,550
over a randomly selected dumpling spot
1391
01:00:23,551 --> 01:00:27,037
but me, I can't share with you
the slightest disappointment
1392
01:00:27,038 --> 01:00:28,606
over you co-opting an
original idea of mine.
1393
01:00:28,607 --> 01:00:29,597
- Co... Okay.
- Yeah.
1394
01:00:29,598 --> 01:00:30,590
First of all, you are not
1395
01:00:30,591 --> 01:00:32,510
the Mark Zuckerberg of vaginas.
1396
01:00:32,511 --> 01:00:33,534
I don't know who that is.
1397
01:00:33,535 --> 01:00:37,342
And secondly, do not
gaslight me with SAT words
1398
01:00:37,343 --> 01:00:39,230
and sliding scale morality.
1399
01:00:39,231 --> 01:00:40,958
- I'm not one of your dates.
- That is very true.
1400
01:00:40,959 --> 01:00:42,142
No. You are not one of my dates.
1401
01:00:42,143 --> 01:00:43,101
- And I'm glad. Thank you.
- Some water.
1402
01:00:43,102 --> 01:00:44,287
- No, the lady doesn't need it.
- Excuse me.
1403
01:00:44,288 --> 01:00:45,950
- She doesn't deserve that.
- I would like that, please.
1404
01:00:45,951 --> 01:00:46,941
I actually would like the water.
1405
01:00:46,942 --> 01:00:49,118
Sir, I-I can't stress enough
1406
01:00:49,119 --> 01:00:50,301
if we give her water I
don't know what happens.
1407
01:00:50,302 --> 01:00:51,197
You need to give me this water.
1408
01:00:51,198 --> 01:00:53,597
See she's addicted. This is an addict.
1409
01:00:53,598 --> 01:00:55,549
This is... I've seen it
a hundred times with her.
1410
01:00:55,550 --> 01:00:57,309
You gotta trust me.
1411
01:00:57,310 --> 01:00:58,941
You have lost your mind.
1412
01:00:58,942 --> 01:01:01,725
Well, you have lost your water.
1413
01:01:01,726 --> 01:01:04,659
So... I guess we're tied.
1414
01:01:06,014 --> 01:01:08,318
I wanna be able to talk
you about this kinda thing.
1415
01:01:08,319 --> 01:01:10,526
I sense that. That's obvious.
I just don't know why.
1416
01:01:10,527 --> 01:01:12,606
You talk to me about chicks
you screw all the time.
1417
01:01:12,607 --> 01:01:14,771
That's different.
1418
01:01:16,062 --> 01:01:18,046
- Why?
- 'Cause I'm going inside them.
1419
01:01:18,047 --> 01:01:19,326
This you're talking
about someone inside you
1420
01:01:19,327 --> 01:01:20,797
that's just... ugh!
1421
01:01:20,798 --> 01:01:21,844
- Duh.
- Grody.
1422
01:01:24,223 --> 01:01:27,773
This is the Bieder contract that
has to go to legal for comments.
1423
01:01:27,774 --> 01:01:30,045
Knock knock. Hey, you got a minute?
1424
01:01:30,046 --> 01:01:33,502
Um... Ah, I mean... real minute?
1425
01:01:33,503 --> 01:01:34,653
A New York minute. I don't
know... yeah, a real minute.
1426
01:01:34,654 --> 01:01:36,253
60 seconds. Sure.
1427
01:01:36,254 --> 01:01:37,694
Okay.
1428
01:01:37,695 --> 01:01:39,549
Um, what was the other thing?
1429
01:01:39,550 --> 01:01:40,990
Oh, yeah, buzz me for the 3 o'clock.
1430
01:01:40,991 --> 01:01:42,046
And that's it. Okay.
1431
01:01:42,047 --> 01:01:43,988
Yeah, don't fuck that up.
1432
01:01:44,446 --> 01:01:46,334
You got to let them have it.
1433
01:01:46,335 --> 01:01:48,669
Hey, will you, uh, sign this for me please?
1434
01:01:48,670 --> 01:01:49,917
Well, I have to know what it is first.
1435
01:01:49,918 --> 01:01:52,477
Oh, it's a nullification of my contract.
1436
01:01:52,478 --> 01:01:56,829
It says I resign and forfeit any
vesting stock options to Xander.
1437
01:01:56,830 --> 01:01:59,646
And why would you do that?
1438
01:01:59,647 --> 01:02:02,205
Oh, right, no. Because I
want to go on a date with you.
1439
01:02:02,206 --> 01:02:05,629
Silly. Uh, if you can just
sign the back here. 3 places.
1440
01:02:05,630 --> 01:02:07,038
You can use my pen if you'd like.
1441
01:02:07,039 --> 01:02:10,046
And as you can see I've
executed my half, so...
1442
01:02:10,047 --> 01:02:12,702
You stand to make over $5
million in the next 2 years.
1443
01:02:12,703 --> 01:02:16,029
No shit? Wow! That's great.
1444
01:02:16,030 --> 01:02:17,949
Uh, but I mean I never really factor
1445
01:02:17,950 --> 01:02:19,966
money in my decision making, so...
1446
01:02:19,967 --> 01:02:21,342
...it doesn't change what I'm doing.
1447
01:02:21,343 --> 01:02:22,494
I appreciate the hardball
1448
01:02:22,495 --> 01:02:25,693
but obviously I can't take a
request like this seriously.
1449
01:02:25,694 --> 01:02:26,750
But the seriousness of my request
1450
01:02:26,751 --> 01:02:29,182
is reflected in the hardball.
1451
01:02:29,183 --> 01:02:31,954
So I don't... I don't know what to do here.
1452
01:02:33,022 --> 01:02:34,611
[chuckles]
1453
01:02:35,774 --> 01:02:36,957
Okay. I'll go on one date with you
1454
01:02:36,958 --> 01:02:38,813
if you answer a question truthfully.
1455
01:02:38,814 --> 01:02:40,573
Get the spanks. I love it. Yeah.
1456
01:02:40,574 --> 01:02:44,030
I answer all questions
truthfully, but fire away.
1457
01:02:44,031 --> 01:02:48,125
What on earth makes you think
that I'm worth $5 million?
1458
01:02:48,126 --> 01:02:50,707
What makes you think you're not?
1459
01:02:51,647 --> 01:02:53,779
[instrumental music]
1460
01:02:55,486 --> 01:02:57,022
Get outta here. Get back to work.
1461
01:02:57,023 --> 01:02:58,206
- I'm on break.
- So take this...
1462
01:02:58,207 --> 01:03:00,158
- I'm on break.
- ...and get out of my office.
1463
01:03:00,159 --> 01:03:01,683
Okay.
1464
01:03:02,559 --> 01:03:04,531
Alright. To be continued.
1465
01:03:05,695 --> 01:03:07,122
TTFN.
1466
01:03:07,838 --> 01:03:10,493
Um, you know, I mean...
1467
01:03:10,494 --> 01:03:12,189
Ta-ta for now.
1468
01:03:12,190 --> 01:03:15,038
My ex has my son this weekend.
1469
01:03:15,039 --> 01:03:17,406
And I know a place with cheap tequila.
1470
01:03:17,407 --> 01:03:19,517
We should go there. That sounds great.
1471
01:03:19,518 --> 01:03:21,854
Can you keep your mouth shut?
1472
01:03:21,855 --> 01:03:23,997
Yeah. I mean, not once we get there.
1473
01:03:23,998 --> 01:03:25,662
Tequila makes me so chatty.
1474
01:03:25,663 --> 01:03:27,549
In a good way I think.
1475
01:03:27,550 --> 01:03:29,917
- You mean out here.
- Just... Yes, mouth shut, please.
1476
01:03:29,918 --> 01:03:32,404
- Not gonna say a peep.
- Get outta here!
1477
01:03:34,239 --> 01:03:36,732
Back to work, you.
1478
01:03:36,733 --> 01:03:38,163
Yes!
1479
01:03:40,702 --> 01:03:42,846
There you are.
1480
01:03:42,847 --> 01:03:44,542
Hey, thanks for comin', Lainey.
1481
01:03:44,543 --> 01:03:47,292
Partners always have to
do these bullshit events.
1482
01:03:47,293 --> 01:03:48,701
I hope your heels are comfortable
1483
01:03:48,702 --> 01:03:49,565
'cause you're gonna be standing
1484
01:03:49,566 --> 01:03:51,902
and talking to boring people all night.
1485
01:03:51,903 --> 01:03:53,822
Chris, I'm having a great time.
1486
01:03:53,823 --> 01:03:55,613
Thank you for inviting me.
1487
01:03:55,614 --> 01:03:58,067
And these shoes are still uncomfortable.
1488
01:03:59,647 --> 01:04:01,074
Elaine?
1489
01:04:01,471 --> 01:04:03,037
Hi, Matthew.
1490
01:04:03,038 --> 01:04:05,373
- Good to see you.
- This is Chris.
1491
01:04:05,374 --> 01:04:07,293
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, Matthew.
1492
01:04:07,294 --> 01:04:09,789
Matthew and I were at
Columbia around the same time.
1493
01:04:09,790 --> 01:04:12,702
Oh. Your name is Elaine?
1494
01:04:12,703 --> 01:04:15,166
- Lainey is a nickname.
- I didn't know that.
1495
01:04:15,167 --> 01:04:18,429
Oh, Elaine, you've never
met my wife, have you?
1496
01:04:18,430 --> 01:04:20,478
- I haven't.
- Let me introduce you. Emma?
1497
01:04:20,479 --> 01:04:23,389
- Come here.
- Excuse me.
1498
01:04:23,390 --> 01:04:24,766
This is Elaine.
1499
01:04:24,767 --> 01:04:26,429
So nice to meet you, Emma.
1500
01:04:26,430 --> 01:04:27,581
- This is Chris.
- Hi.
1501
01:04:27,582 --> 01:04:29,437
- Hi.
- When are you due?
1502
01:04:29,438 --> 01:04:31,933
- October.
- Congratulations.
1503
01:04:31,934 --> 01:04:34,237
- Your first?
- Yes. It's a boy.
1504
01:04:34,238 --> 01:04:36,829
We're so excited.
1505
01:04:36,830 --> 01:04:38,045
Matthew will be delivering him.
1506
01:04:38,046 --> 01:04:40,029
- Oh.
- Oh.
1507
01:04:40,030 --> 01:04:41,981
- OB-GYN?
- Yes. You?
1508
01:04:41,982 --> 01:04:43,709
Uh, partner over at Garrison and Shingle.
1509
01:04:43,710 --> 01:04:45,565
- A man of the law.
- Yeah.
1510
01:04:45,566 --> 01:04:47,229
I've worked with you
guys when I was a mediator
1511
01:04:47,230 --> 01:04:48,541
on Thorpe V. Bronwin.
1512
01:04:48,542 --> 01:04:51,037
- Sure.
- Elaine, what is it that you do?
1513
01:04:51,038 --> 01:04:52,318
- I teach kindergarten.
- That's right.
1514
01:04:52,319 --> 01:04:54,140
I think I knew that.
1515
01:04:54,141 --> 01:04:56,499
Would you excuse me? I'm just
gonna run to the ladies' room.
1516
01:05:02,814 --> 01:05:03,806
Okay, can I cut to the chase?
1517
01:05:03,807 --> 01:05:04,797
I would love that.
1518
01:05:04,798 --> 01:05:06,109
I love cutting to chases. Do it.
1519
01:05:06,110 --> 01:05:08,062
Okay, so you're a womanizer.
1520
01:05:08,063 --> 01:05:09,598
Hey!
1521
01:05:09,599 --> 01:05:10,431
How did you know that?
1522
01:05:10,432 --> 01:05:12,221
- Everybody knows that.
- Everybody?
1523
01:05:12,222 --> 01:05:14,109
Your interns call you a Jump Back Jake.
1524
01:05:14,110 --> 01:05:15,165
- I have a nickname?
- A nickname.
1525
01:05:15,166 --> 01:05:16,350
- That's how bad it is.
- Wow!
1526
01:05:16,351 --> 01:05:18,110
It's not bad. I...
1527
01:05:18,111 --> 01:05:19,037
Or that's how good it is!
1528
01:05:19,038 --> 01:05:20,893
Right? Well, see, that's what I'm saying.
1529
01:05:20,894 --> 01:05:22,045
I... I mean, I assumed
they would speak about me
1530
01:05:22,046 --> 01:05:23,196
but I thought I was gonna be more along
1531
01:05:23,197 --> 01:05:24,190
the lines of something like...
1532
01:05:24,191 --> 01:05:25,982
- Stellar Yelp reviews?
- Yeah.
1533
01:05:25,983 --> 01:05:26,909
Stellar Yelp reviews.
1534
01:05:26,910 --> 01:05:30,046
- So can I ask?
- Yeah, how do I stop you?
1535
01:05:30,047 --> 01:05:33,661
- Mmm.
- Were you a fat teenager?
1536
01:05:33,662 --> 01:05:36,862
Did you... No, seriously, did you
not get along with your mother?
1537
01:05:36,863 --> 01:05:39,165
Do you just... do you not like women?
1538
01:05:39,166 --> 01:05:41,405
Do you feel suffocated
by them as soon as you...
1539
01:05:41,406 --> 01:05:43,421
Yeah, I mean, no, it's
none of those things.
1540
01:05:43,422 --> 01:05:45,181
God, those are all bad.
1541
01:05:45,182 --> 01:05:47,346
No, I think it was...
1542
01:05:49,055 --> 01:05:52,861
I think it was because I was
like a... like a late bloomer.
1543
01:05:52,862 --> 01:05:53,949
- Really?
- Yeah.
1544
01:05:53,950 --> 01:05:56,958
- Me too.
- Mmm. Mm-hmm.
1545
01:05:56,959 --> 01:05:58,654
That's amazing. No shit.
1546
01:05:58,655 --> 01:06:00,445
I mean, it's different for women.
1547
01:06:00,446 --> 01:06:02,483
I waited until my wedding night.
1548
01:06:04,126 --> 01:06:05,981
Did you grow up in America?
1549
01:06:05,982 --> 01:06:09,276
Holy shit! I don't think I've ever...
1550
01:06:09,277 --> 01:06:10,941
No, I've never met anybody
1551
01:06:10,942 --> 01:06:12,830
that actually waited
until their wedding day.
1552
01:06:12,831 --> 01:06:14,974
That's like Bobby Fischer kind of scarcity.
1553
01:06:14,975 --> 01:06:17,469
Okay, well I grew up
very, very religiously.
1554
01:06:17,470 --> 01:06:20,285
- What is your excuse?
- Hmm.
1555
01:06:20,286 --> 01:06:22,942
Yeah, my excuse, well, I think it's a...
1556
01:06:22,943 --> 01:06:27,164
I... I thought it was something
that should be special.
1557
01:06:27,165 --> 01:06:29,597
I think I literally sprouted...
1558
01:06:29,598 --> 01:06:31,902
...a vagina when I said that.
1559
01:06:31,903 --> 01:06:32,893
Check, please.
1560
01:06:32,894 --> 01:06:34,014
There's a Georgia O'Keeffe
1561
01:06:34,015 --> 01:06:35,838
painting in my pants as we speak.
1562
01:06:35,839 --> 01:06:38,557
- There are worse things.
- That's true.
1563
01:06:38,558 --> 01:06:40,061
Pollock. Ooh.
1564
01:06:40,062 --> 01:06:42,003
[laughing]
1565
01:06:42,973 --> 01:06:44,989
Yeah, but that was that...
that's why I... I, yeah.
1566
01:06:44,990 --> 01:06:46,365
I mean, I had a bunch of
friends that had done it
1567
01:06:46,366 --> 01:06:48,381
and it just... I don't know.
1568
01:06:48,382 --> 01:06:51,101
At some point I realized
it wasn't gonna be special
1569
01:06:51,102 --> 01:06:52,637
and so I just wanted to get it over with
1570
01:06:52,638 --> 01:06:55,731
and it's never been special ever since.
1571
01:06:56,478 --> 01:06:59,006
- So who was the girl?
- Hmm.
1572
01:06:59,007 --> 01:06:59,998
Do you remember?
1573
01:06:59,999 --> 01:07:02,109
[cellphone vibrating]
1574
01:07:02,110 --> 01:07:03,774
- You need to get that?
- Nope.
1575
01:07:03,775 --> 01:07:05,757
- Please.
- No, no, no. It's just a friend.
1576
01:07:05,758 --> 01:07:07,325
Well, you can still get the phone.
1577
01:07:07,326 --> 01:07:08,223
- I don't wanna get the phone.
- Okay.
1578
01:07:08,224 --> 01:07:10,099
It's just a friend. It's no big deal.
1579
01:07:11,773 --> 01:07:14,706
Your call has been forwarded
to an automatic voice...
1580
01:07:29,182 --> 01:07:31,805
Are you one of Matthew's patients?
1581
01:07:31,806 --> 01:07:34,206
No. I went to Columbia.
1582
01:07:34,207 --> 01:07:37,213
I'm surprised Matthew hasn't mentioned you.
1583
01:07:37,214 --> 01:07:39,827
Well, I haven't seen him in a long time.
1584
01:07:41,311 --> 01:07:44,798
It shouldn't bother me but I
don't like meeting his patients.
1585
01:07:44,799 --> 01:07:47,795
It's so weird meeting someone
when your husband has seen her...
1586
01:07:48,222 --> 01:07:50,236
You know...
1587
01:07:50,237 --> 01:07:53,362
Of course. Yeah, I'd feel the same way.
1588
01:07:55,679 --> 01:07:57,853
[instrumental music]
1589
01:07:57,854 --> 01:08:00,701
Lainey, everything okay?
1590
01:08:00,702 --> 01:08:02,365
Oh, I gotta go. Chris,
I'm so sorry I'm leaving.
1591
01:08:02,366 --> 01:08:03,966
I'm... I'm sick.
1592
01:08:03,967 --> 01:08:05,213
Oh, no. Well, let me...
let me drive you home.
1593
01:08:05,214 --> 01:08:08,158
- No. Please...
- Is everything alright?
1594
01:08:08,159 --> 01:08:09,437
I'm just not feeling well.
1595
01:08:09,438 --> 01:08:12,350
Oh. We should take our driver.
1596
01:08:12,351 --> 01:08:14,940
Emma and I are gonna stick
around for another hour or so.
1597
01:08:14,941 --> 01:08:17,916
But he can drop you off and
be back in 20 minutes. Easy.
1598
01:08:17,917 --> 01:08:19,484
You don't know where I live.
1599
01:08:19,485 --> 01:08:21,500
That's so nice. Are you sure?
1600
01:08:21,501 --> 01:08:22,942
Yeah. She'll never get
a cab out at this hour.
1601
01:08:22,943 --> 01:08:24,669
It's no trouble.
1602
01:08:24,670 --> 01:08:25,821
Look, I'm really supposed to mingle a bit
1603
01:08:25,822 --> 01:08:26,718
but if you want me to come...
1604
01:08:26,719 --> 01:08:28,606
No, it's fine. I'll call you tomorrow.
1605
01:08:28,607 --> 01:08:29,533
Okay.
1606
01:08:29,534 --> 01:08:31,964
Oh yeah, yeah. You're sick. Feel better.
1607
01:08:31,965 --> 01:08:34,386
Bye, Chris. Thank you so much for tonight.
1608
01:08:35,326 --> 01:08:37,587
It's no trouble. Thank you.
1609
01:08:39,806 --> 01:08:41,502
So it's the black town car.
It's across the street...
1610
01:08:41,503 --> 01:08:43,101
I know what your car looks
like. I don't need it.
1611
01:08:43,102 --> 01:08:44,829
I like your date. He seems nice.
1612
01:08:44,830 --> 01:08:47,741
- Fuck you, Matt.
- Why haven't you returned any of my calls?
1613
01:08:47,742 --> 01:08:49,214
- I blocked your number.
- Why?
1614
01:08:49,215 --> 01:08:51,165
Because I'm not an asshole.
1615
01:08:51,166 --> 01:08:52,691
Okay.
1616
01:08:57,823 --> 01:08:59,763
[instrumental music]
1617
01:09:03,102 --> 01:09:04,446
Uh-huh. No, no.
1618
01:09:04,447 --> 01:09:06,494
What? What?
1619
01:09:06,495 --> 01:09:07,987
You're so greedy.
1620
01:09:10,621 --> 01:09:12,670
- Uh-huh.
- What? What do you want me to do?
1621
01:09:12,671 --> 01:09:15,123
I want you to do nothing.
1622
01:09:17,215 --> 01:09:19,101
I want you to do exactly
1623
01:09:19,102 --> 01:09:21,779
what you don't normally do.
1624
01:09:22,366 --> 01:09:24,658
- Okay?
- Okay.
1625
01:09:26,111 --> 01:09:27,571
[sighs]
1626
01:09:29,822 --> 01:09:32,786
♪ You got a reason ♪
1627
01:09:33,887 --> 01:09:35,902
♪ Reason to leave ♪
1628
01:09:35,903 --> 01:09:38,334
♪ I lost it back then ♪
1629
01:09:38,335 --> 01:09:40,285
♪ But I am losing ♪
1630
01:09:40,286 --> 01:09:42,013
Alright.
1631
01:09:42,014 --> 01:09:44,275
Fuck. Oh...
1632
01:09:45,759 --> 01:09:47,635
[heavy breathing]
1633
01:09:50,271 --> 01:09:52,509
♪ Come on come on come on ♪
1634
01:09:52,510 --> 01:09:54,483
♪ Come on come on come on ♪
1635
01:09:57,821 --> 01:09:59,891
♪ Come on ♪
1636
01:10:01,374 --> 01:10:03,676
♪ I never told you ♪
1637
01:10:03,677 --> 01:10:09,437
♪ You're my one and only woman ♪
1638
01:10:09,438 --> 01:10:12,829
♪ So you act like a child ♪
1639
01:10:12,830 --> 01:10:17,181
♪ I really don't mind the way you cry ♪
1640
01:10:17,182 --> 01:10:19,069
♪ Come on come on come on ♪
1641
01:10:19,070 --> 01:10:21,598
♪ To the deepest part ♪
1642
01:10:21,599 --> 01:10:23,645
♪ But you ain't that ♪
1643
01:10:23,646 --> 01:10:26,364
♪ In my... ♪
1644
01:10:26,365 --> 01:10:29,437
♪ Come on come on come on... ♪
1645
01:10:29,438 --> 01:10:31,230
- Can you come?
- But you haven't...
1646
01:10:31,231 --> 01:10:33,810
Come inside me. I want you to come now.
1647
01:10:34,814 --> 01:10:36,562
- Come!
- Okay.
1648
01:10:38,014 --> 01:10:40,509
Oh, oh, fuck!
1649
01:10:40,510 --> 01:10:42,877
Oh, Lainey. Oh, oh!
1650
01:10:42,878 --> 01:10:46,259
Oh, oh, Lainey. Oh, fuck.
1651
01:10:51,613 --> 01:10:53,970
[heavy breathing]
1652
01:10:57,790 --> 01:11:00,531
Oh! Oh, shit.
1653
01:11:08,478 --> 01:11:10,963
Who's Lainey?
1654
01:11:14,431 --> 01:11:18,035
Um... it's a long story.
1655
01:11:22,334 --> 01:11:24,723
You wanna tell me about it?
1656
01:11:28,861 --> 01:11:30,323
Yes.
1657
01:11:32,830 --> 01:11:34,429
It's right here on the right side.
1658
01:11:34,430 --> 01:11:35,731
Thank you.
1659
01:11:38,399 --> 01:11:41,523
[instrumental music]
1660
01:11:51,582 --> 01:11:53,588
I just tried calling you.
1661
01:11:54,526 --> 01:11:56,787
- My phone died.
- Hmm.
1662
01:11:57,982 --> 01:12:00,307
So how was your day?
1663
01:12:01,535 --> 01:12:03,090
Swell.
1664
01:12:05,181 --> 01:12:07,379
Want to come up?
1665
01:12:17,695 --> 01:12:20,883
[instrumental music]
1666
01:12:46,495 --> 01:12:49,619
[music continues]
1667
01:13:15,358 --> 01:13:18,546
[music continues]
1668
01:13:26,975 --> 01:13:28,924
- It's over.
- Hmm.
1669
01:13:28,925 --> 01:13:31,677
He didn't choose me.
1670
01:13:31,678 --> 01:13:34,866
You never told him to
make a choice, you know.
1671
01:13:39,454 --> 01:13:41,810
How was Paula?
1672
01:13:42,239 --> 01:13:43,891
Hmm.
1673
01:13:46,110 --> 01:13:48,275
I was a mess.
1674
01:13:50,271 --> 01:13:52,659
She nice to you?
1675
01:13:54,654 --> 01:13:56,243
Yes.
1676
01:13:57,885 --> 01:14:00,275
- Good.
- Hmm.
1677
01:14:16,829 --> 01:14:18,994
What's up?
1678
01:14:20,061 --> 01:14:23,090
Are we in love with each other?
1679
01:14:35,261 --> 01:14:37,586
What are we gonna do about it?
1680
01:14:45,951 --> 01:14:48,339
What do you wanna do?
1681
01:14:51,230 --> 01:14:52,691
Nothing.
1682
01:14:56,317 --> 01:14:58,834
There's nothing to do.
1683
01:15:04,894 --> 01:15:07,537
I love you for free, Lainey.
1684
01:15:10,749 --> 01:15:13,533
I love you for free, Jake.
1685
01:15:13,534 --> 01:15:15,698
[instrumental music]
1686
01:15:45,438 --> 01:15:48,755
[instrumental music]
1687
01:16:04,254 --> 01:16:07,932
I guess I can't talk you
into a road trip to Ann Arbor?
1688
01:16:07,933 --> 01:16:10,236
Tempting. Tempting, but no.
1689
01:16:10,237 --> 01:16:12,124
Paula and I are taking
Oliver upstate tomorrow.
1690
01:16:12,125 --> 01:16:13,820
Hmm.
1691
01:16:13,821 --> 01:16:15,645
Do you want me to grab
the rest of the boxes?
1692
01:16:15,646 --> 01:16:17,597
No, Kara and George are
shipping it to me on Monday.
1693
01:16:17,598 --> 01:16:20,317
- Cool. Alright.
- I'm good. I'm good.
1694
01:16:20,318 --> 01:16:22,460
- You got it all figured out.
- Yeah.
1695
01:16:22,461 --> 01:16:25,117
Alright, well...
1696
01:16:25,118 --> 01:16:26,525
...last chance to ditch med school
1697
01:16:26,526 --> 01:16:27,580
and run away with me, huh?
1698
01:16:27,581 --> 01:16:29,278
Come on, what do you say? Let's go.
1699
01:16:29,279 --> 01:16:32,028
You just sneak in here,
I'll drive. Bounce around.
1700
01:16:32,029 --> 01:16:34,716
You know, unfortunately
I don't sleep with men
1701
01:16:34,717 --> 01:16:36,349
in relationships anymore.
1702
01:16:36,350 --> 01:16:38,205
- This new crazy thing.
- Gotcha.
1703
01:16:38,206 --> 01:16:39,869
No, that's okay. That's okay.
1704
01:16:39,870 --> 01:16:40,924
I stopped cheating anyway.
1705
01:16:40,925 --> 01:16:44,242
So, bad timing. What happened to us?
1706
01:16:45,469 --> 01:16:47,420
We're getting a chance to start over.
1707
01:16:47,421 --> 01:16:48,829
That's true.
1708
01:16:48,830 --> 01:16:50,780
- Just in time...
- Oh, yeah.
1709
01:16:50,781 --> 01:16:51,740
- If you ask me.
- Oh, yeah.
1710
01:16:51,741 --> 01:16:54,675
Yeah, before things got
really bad, and weird.
1711
01:16:58,813 --> 01:17:02,621
Alright, well, goodbye forever.
1712
01:17:02,622 --> 01:17:05,331
Goodbye forever. Again.
1713
01:17:06,686 --> 01:17:09,811
Up top. There you go. Yup.
1714
01:17:15,518 --> 01:17:17,779
Thank you, Jake.
1715
01:17:18,877 --> 01:17:20,562
For what?
1716
01:17:22,430 --> 01:17:25,587
For teaching me how to love someone.
1717
01:17:28,670 --> 01:17:30,482
Anytime.
1718
01:17:34,237 --> 01:17:36,157
I'll get this for you,
you've got to close this.
1719
01:17:36,158 --> 01:17:37,203
Yep.
1720
01:17:39,678 --> 01:17:42,876
It would be kinda cool though if
you could just hang onto the back.
1721
01:17:42,877 --> 01:17:45,373
Eddie Murphy at the beginning of
"Beverly Hills Cop," remember that?
1722
01:17:45,374 --> 01:17:47,292
Cigarette truck. Never mind.
1723
01:17:47,293 --> 01:17:49,180
Uh, alright, drive safe.
1724
01:17:49,181 --> 01:17:50,749
- Yeah?
- Hmm.
1725
01:17:50,750 --> 01:17:52,626
- Go.
- Bye.
1726
01:17:54,622 --> 01:17:56,978
Go be a hot shot.
1727
01:18:00,414 --> 01:18:03,581
♪ I feel ready for a ride ♪
1728
01:18:03,582 --> 01:18:07,923
♪ For the... ♪
1729
01:18:09,310 --> 01:18:10,749
Hi, babe, it's me.
1730
01:18:10,750 --> 01:18:13,565
Um, I hope the goodbye went well.
1731
01:18:13,566 --> 01:18:14,973
Oliver and I are on our way.
1732
01:18:14,974 --> 01:18:17,137
Okay, see you soon.
1733
01:18:18,622 --> 01:18:19,772
Nice job, Oliver.
1734
01:18:19,773 --> 01:18:22,236
You're a whirling dervish
out there. A whirling dervish!
1735
01:18:22,237 --> 01:18:23,837
- You got this, Henry.
- There you go, Henry.
1736
01:18:23,838 --> 01:18:25,373
Right through. How's
that feel, blue?
1737
01:18:25,374 --> 01:18:28,252
- How's that feel, blue?
- There you go.
1738
01:18:28,253 --> 01:18:30,045
Yeah, little legs,
but they move fast.
1739
01:18:30,046 --> 01:18:31,869
Get it. Get it. Reverse it.
1740
01:18:31,870 --> 01:18:33,244
Reverse it. Yeah!
1741
01:18:33,245 --> 01:18:35,837
- Yes! Nice pass, man.
- Get off me!
1742
01:18:35,838 --> 01:18:38,716
Okay, I know. I'm just a passionate fan.
1743
01:18:38,717 --> 01:18:40,637
I'm sorry, go play soccer, what
are you doing talkin' to me?
1744
01:18:40,638 --> 01:18:41,661
- What are you doing?
- What?
1745
01:18:41,662 --> 01:18:43,005
You're embarrassing the kid.
1746
01:18:43,006 --> 01:18:44,572
The kid's having a great
game, you're embarrassing...
1747
01:18:44,573 --> 01:18:47,165
Come on, Henry! Come on, Henry!
1748
01:18:47,166 --> 01:18:48,828
- And that's better?
- How's that feel, blue?
1749
01:18:48,829 --> 01:18:51,388
How's that feel, blue?
1750
01:18:51,389 --> 01:18:52,924
My love is conditional.
1751
01:18:52,925 --> 01:18:55,858
[indistinct chatter]
1752
01:18:59,038 --> 01:19:02,173
When we were kids, we had
orange slices after a game.
1753
01:19:02,174 --> 01:19:05,853
Thank you. That's like
$400 worth of frozen yogurt.
1754
01:19:05,854 --> 01:19:08,573
- Holy toppings!
- She just said it's every topping.
1755
01:19:08,574 --> 01:19:10,620
Every flavor.
1756
01:19:10,621 --> 01:19:12,125
Hey, what's up dude?
1757
01:19:12,126 --> 01:19:14,684
Is it okay if I go over
Henry's to go swimming?
1758
01:19:14,685 --> 01:19:15,581
It's cool with me, is it cool with you?
1759
01:19:15,582 --> 01:19:16,669
At my house?
1760
01:19:16,670 --> 01:19:17,660
You're gonna go swimming at my house?
1761
01:19:17,661 --> 01:19:19,901
- Yes, I am.
- Hmm.
1762
01:19:19,902 --> 01:19:21,917
- Let me think about it.
- What do you say?
1763
01:19:21,918 --> 01:19:23,772
Alright. I'll allow it.
1764
01:19:23,773 --> 01:19:26,045
You sure you don't want to come
to brunch? With me and your mom?
1765
01:19:26,046 --> 01:19:28,733
We're gonna have some eggs
benedict and some frittatas.
1766
01:19:28,734 --> 01:19:30,620
Yeah, 'cause that's... 'cause
that's what kids wanna do.
1767
01:19:30,621 --> 01:19:31,612
They don't want to go swimming.
1768
01:19:31,613 --> 01:19:33,020
They want to go to brunch.
1769
01:19:33,021 --> 01:19:34,460
Thanks, Jake.
1770
01:19:34,461 --> 01:19:36,273
There you go.
1771
01:19:37,342 --> 01:19:39,324
You have really changed, my friend.
1772
01:19:39,325 --> 01:19:41,948
- Yes.
- I have to say, I don't mind it.
1773
01:19:41,949 --> 01:19:42,908
I don't know what that whole thing
1774
01:19:42,909 --> 01:19:45,085
was with Lainey but it
really turned you around
1775
01:19:45,086 --> 01:19:47,315
in the right direction.
1776
01:19:47,741 --> 01:19:49,308
How's she doin'?
1777
01:19:49,309 --> 01:19:51,804
- Lainey?
- Yeah.
1778
01:19:51,805 --> 01:19:54,483
I don't know. We haven't talked in a while.
1779
01:19:56,541 --> 01:20:00,669
Look at her, passing
out toppings like, uh...
1780
01:20:00,670 --> 01:20:02,332
She's just like a dealer.
1781
01:20:02,333 --> 01:20:03,965
- What?
- You're mad?
1782
01:20:03,966 --> 01:20:05,244
- No, but are you...
- You're happy.
1783
01:20:05,245 --> 01:20:06,588
- You're both?
- You're crazy.
1784
01:20:06,589 --> 01:20:07,422
Are you mappy? You're mappy?
1785
01:20:07,423 --> 01:20:09,117
I'm just gonna say you're mappy.
1786
01:20:09,118 --> 01:20:10,205
- I can't...
- Have you thought this through?
1787
01:20:10,206 --> 01:20:11,101
- I know it's a birthday gift.
- I can't go to France.
1788
01:20:11,102 --> 01:20:11,997
- Okay.
- I can't take off work.
1789
01:20:11,998 --> 01:20:14,204
'Cause I'm pretty sure there's gonna be
1790
01:20:14,205 --> 01:20:17,116
a very nice suite in a 5 star
hotel just waiting for ya.
1791
01:20:17,117 --> 01:20:19,484
But you're right. It's a bad
idea. Maybe you shouldn't go.
1792
01:20:19,485 --> 01:20:21,597
But I've got to find someone
now with your exact name
1793
01:20:21,598 --> 01:20:24,157
that can go to Europe and use that room.
1794
01:20:24,158 --> 01:20:26,684
- Anybody here named Paula?
- Shh.
1795
01:20:26,685 --> 01:20:28,541
- You're crazy.
- Settle down, people.
1796
01:20:28,542 --> 01:20:29,629
- No, not at all.
- Are you kidding?
1797
01:20:29,630 --> 01:20:31,293
I think this is a great idea.
1798
01:20:31,294 --> 01:20:33,180
When did you get this good?
1799
01:20:33,181 --> 01:20:35,730
I spent a long time being bad.
1800
01:20:37,726 --> 01:20:40,060
I just... I mean. I just... just...
1801
01:20:40,061 --> 01:20:42,525
[indistinct singing]
1802
01:20:42,526 --> 01:20:43,869
What?
1803
01:20:43,870 --> 01:20:47,123
Uh, I'm sorry, I just...
1804
01:20:48,190 --> 01:20:50,205
I know this guy from somewhere.
1805
01:20:50,206 --> 01:20:52,572
- With the glasses.
- I can't put my finger on it.
1806
01:20:52,573 --> 01:20:54,737
- From work?
- No.
1807
01:20:56,925 --> 01:20:59,805
- Your neighbor?
- No, I...
1808
01:20:59,806 --> 01:21:01,564
I feel like he had longer hair.
1809
01:21:01,565 --> 01:21:03,868
Maybe he's an actor?
1810
01:21:03,869 --> 01:21:06,290
Maybe I knew him at Colum...
1811
01:21:07,038 --> 01:21:08,467
Columbia.
1812
01:21:12,445 --> 01:21:14,109
You know what? I'm...
I'm... You mind if I run
1813
01:21:14,110 --> 01:21:15,228
over there just to see if it's him?
1814
01:21:15,229 --> 01:21:16,988
- Okay, baby.
- Alright.
1815
01:21:16,989 --> 01:21:18,963
Be right back.
1816
01:21:21,885 --> 01:21:23,827
Well, we can talk about it.
1817
01:21:24,669 --> 01:21:26,098
Sobvechik?
1818
01:21:26,974 --> 01:21:28,402
Yeah.
1819
01:21:28,798 --> 01:21:29,981
[screaming]
1820
01:21:29,982 --> 01:21:32,243
- Oh, you're pregnant.
- Oh, my God.
1821
01:21:35,550 --> 01:21:37,203
[screaming]
1822
01:21:39,357 --> 01:21:41,106
[grunts]
1823
01:21:42,621 --> 01:21:44,883
You boring, fuckin', asshole!
1824
01:21:46,749 --> 01:21:48,338
Sorry, sorry.
1825
01:21:50,301 --> 01:21:53,469
Hey! Hey! Jake!
1826
01:21:53,470 --> 01:21:55,613
Somebody do something.
1827
01:21:55,614 --> 01:21:58,002
- Jake, Jake!
- That's for my girl, you shit!
1828
01:21:58,461 --> 01:22:00,147
Fuck you!
1829
01:22:00,733 --> 01:22:03,123
Come on. Get up! Come on.
1830
01:22:04,669 --> 01:22:06,941
You fucking boring piece of shit!
1831
01:22:06,942 --> 01:22:08,914
Fucking tourist.
1832
01:22:10,365 --> 01:22:11,772
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
1833
01:22:11,773 --> 01:22:13,330
[grunting]
1834
01:22:15,198 --> 01:22:16,627
[groaning]
1835
01:22:18,973 --> 01:22:21,276
- Matthew, my water broke...
- Honey!
1836
01:22:21,277 --> 01:22:22,652
Honey!
1837
01:22:22,653 --> 01:22:24,860
- We need a doctor.
- I'm a doctor! I'm her doctor!
1838
01:22:24,861 --> 01:22:26,589
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
1839
01:22:26,590 --> 01:22:30,012
I am her husband. That is
my wife and that is my baby.
1840
01:22:30,013 --> 01:22:32,316
And this motherfucker I don't even know...
1841
01:22:32,317 --> 01:22:34,258
- Let's go!
- What are you doing?
1842
01:22:34,430 --> 01:22:35,900
Fucking maniac.
1843
01:22:35,901 --> 01:22:37,724
That's my husband! Oh, my God!
1844
01:22:37,725 --> 01:22:39,869
- Oh, my God!
- No! No!
1845
01:22:39,870 --> 01:22:43,835
♪ Well if you ever go ♪
1846
01:22:43,836 --> 01:22:47,389
♪ Darlin' I'll be... ♪
1847
01:22:47,390 --> 01:22:48,509
No!
1848
01:22:48,510 --> 01:22:50,044
No!
1849
01:22:50,045 --> 01:22:51,293
No!
1850
01:22:51,294 --> 01:22:53,340
Matthew! Hey! Hey!
1851
01:22:53,341 --> 01:22:54,845
He didn't do anything.
1852
01:22:54,846 --> 01:22:55,997
We were just having brunch
1853
01:22:55,998 --> 01:23:00,348
and then this fucker comes
out of nowhere and decks him!
1854
01:23:00,349 --> 01:23:03,101
The Henley wearing bullshit motherfucker!
1855
01:23:03,102 --> 01:23:05,692
Oh, my God, this isn't
happening. I need a tissue.
1856
01:23:05,693 --> 01:23:07,409
Oh, my God.
1857
01:23:15,390 --> 01:23:16,818
Hey.
1858
01:23:22,781 --> 01:23:24,637
They're gonna book you for assault.
1859
01:23:24,638 --> 01:23:27,218
What? Why? What did I...
1860
01:23:28,766 --> 01:23:30,995
Sorry, bad joke.
1861
01:23:32,318 --> 01:23:33,756
So you're gonna need
someone to bail you out.
1862
01:23:33,757 --> 01:23:36,243
Oh, come on. Paula...
1863
01:23:38,237 --> 01:23:40,050
- I don't need a hardball...
- My girl?
1864
01:23:40,476 --> 01:23:41,938
What?
1865
01:23:43,005 --> 01:23:45,980
- What are you...
- My girl. Who's your girl?
1866
01:23:45,981 --> 01:23:47,100
Well, I can explain that. That just like...
1867
01:23:47,101 --> 01:23:48,989
Who's your girl, Jake?
1868
01:23:48,990 --> 01:23:50,108
I was...
1869
01:23:50,109 --> 01:23:51,677
That guy's a fucking asshole
1870
01:23:51,678 --> 01:23:53,563
who was really shitty
to a good friend of mine.
1871
01:23:53,564 --> 01:23:55,516
- Okay?
- You can't even say it.
1872
01:23:55,517 --> 01:23:57,938
You can't even look at
me and just say her name.
1873
01:24:00,573 --> 01:24:02,077
- I don't even...
- Give me the courtesy.
1874
01:24:02,078 --> 01:24:03,229
What are you talking...
1875
01:24:03,230 --> 01:24:06,269
I haven't even spoken
to her since she left.
1876
01:24:06,270 --> 01:24:08,989
I'm... I didn't do anything wrong here.
1877
01:24:08,990 --> 01:24:10,813
- Okay?
- You've been playing house.
1878
01:24:10,814 --> 01:24:12,221
- Oh, Shit!
- I let my son...
1879
01:24:12,222 --> 01:24:13,980
- What are you talkin' about?
- ...fall in love with you.
1880
01:24:13,981 --> 01:24:15,804
- Oh come on, that is not true.
- You've been lying this whole time.
1881
01:24:15,805 --> 01:24:17,757
I'm not... I have not lied! I have...
1882
01:24:17,758 --> 01:24:21,915
I have not... I am... I would
not lie to you. To him, okay?
1883
01:24:21,916 --> 01:24:24,157
I wasn't trying to hurt you.
1884
01:24:24,158 --> 01:24:26,492
- Wow, you really, you really...
- Really what?
1885
01:24:26,493 --> 01:24:27,612
2 different people, my friend.
1886
01:24:27,613 --> 01:24:30,460
Oh, come on. I am not, okay?
1887
01:24:30,461 --> 01:24:32,092
But you're gonna figure it out.
1888
01:24:32,093 --> 01:24:34,481
Figure what... What are you doing?
1889
01:24:35,230 --> 01:24:37,235
Y-y-you're
just gonna go?
1890
01:24:38,814 --> 01:24:40,029
Okay.
1891
01:24:40,030 --> 01:24:41,021
Great.
1892
01:24:41,022 --> 01:24:42,547
Great, okay.
1893
01:24:43,485 --> 01:24:45,362
[laughing] Great!
1894
01:24:47,454 --> 01:24:49,308
Wonderful.
1895
01:24:49,309 --> 01:24:50,429
Fuckin'...
1896
01:24:50,430 --> 01:24:52,348
[cellphone ringing]
1897
01:24:52,349 --> 01:24:54,941
[indistinct chatter]
1898
01:24:54,942 --> 01:24:56,923
Who wants more wine?
1899
01:24:56,924 --> 01:24:58,109
- I'll take some.
- Great.
1900
01:24:58,110 --> 01:24:59,793
[cellphone ringing]
1901
01:25:00,316 --> 01:25:01,564
Hello?
1902
01:25:01,565 --> 01:25:03,260
Hey, baby.
1903
01:25:03,261 --> 01:25:05,084
- Jake?
- Yeah.
1904
01:25:05,085 --> 01:25:07,516
Yeah, yeah. How you doin'?
1905
01:25:07,517 --> 01:25:12,413
Um, I-I'm fine. Where
are you calling me from?
1906
01:25:12,414 --> 01:25:13,821
Hey, did you know they
don't have a separate jail
1907
01:25:13,822 --> 01:25:16,156
for cool people who fucked up?
1908
01:25:16,157 --> 01:25:17,531
Just one big old jail for everyone.
1909
01:25:17,532 --> 01:25:20,530
Jake. What happened?
1910
01:25:22,078 --> 01:25:25,778
Well, I ran into our old
college buddy, Matthew Sobvechik.
1911
01:25:27,773 --> 01:25:30,524
Oh, baby, what did you do?
1912
01:25:30,525 --> 01:25:33,372
Well, I, um...
1913
01:25:33,373 --> 01:25:37,404
I, uh, sorta beat the shit out of him.
1914
01:25:37,405 --> 01:25:39,964
- Fucked up his life a little bit.
- ...what it was.
1915
01:25:39,965 --> 01:25:41,681
Why did you do that?
1916
01:25:43,038 --> 01:25:44,562
I, um...
1917
01:25:45,470 --> 01:25:47,667
Well I just, um...
1918
01:25:49,342 --> 01:25:51,507
I just really miss you.
1919
01:25:52,797 --> 01:25:55,537
Yeah, I think about
you like, all the time.
1920
01:25:56,701 --> 01:25:58,619
You know what, the word
think is... is wrong
1921
01:25:58,620 --> 01:26:00,348
because I don't actively do anything.
1922
01:26:00,349 --> 01:26:02,770
You're just... here.
1923
01:26:07,868 --> 01:26:10,140
But I didn't... I didn't
think I'd remember you.
1924
01:26:10,141 --> 01:26:12,124
You know I thought that I
would forget about all of it.
1925
01:26:12,125 --> 01:26:16,028
And I, uh, didn't. You
know, I just, uh...
1926
01:26:16,029 --> 01:26:17,852
I know we're no good at this shit.
1927
01:26:17,853 --> 01:26:19,644
And that's why we agreed
to stop seeing each other.
1928
01:26:19,645 --> 01:26:21,362
So we wouldn't fuck it up but...
1929
01:26:22,653 --> 01:26:25,147
But I want you to come back.
1930
01:26:25,148 --> 01:26:28,626
I need you to... Because, uh...
1931
01:26:31,390 --> 01:26:36,434
Because I'd rather fail with
you than win with anyone else.
1932
01:26:39,773 --> 01:26:41,938
[instrumental music]
1933
01:26:42,972 --> 01:26:44,370
Hello?
1934
01:26:46,846 --> 01:26:50,236
- Lainey, are you still there?
- Just keep talking.
1935
01:26:50,237 --> 01:26:52,444
I love hearing your voice.
1936
01:26:52,445 --> 01:26:54,428
- I love hearing you say my name.
- Oh, you do?
1937
01:26:54,429 --> 01:26:55,549
- Jake.
- Lainey!
1938
01:26:55,550 --> 01:26:57,372
- Jake.
- Lainey!
1939
01:26:57,373 --> 01:26:58,365
- Jake.
- I love you so much.
1940
01:26:58,366 --> 01:26:59,868
- I love you.
- Lainey, Lainey, Lainey.
1941
01:26:59,869 --> 01:27:02,172
- I love you!
- I love you so much!
1942
01:27:02,173 --> 01:27:04,060
- Hey, I love you.
- I love you, Jake!
1943
01:27:04,061 --> 01:27:05,533
- Give me the phone.
- Lainey, Lainey! No, no.
1944
01:27:05,534 --> 01:27:07,739
What are you doing? Fucking take it.
1945
01:27:07,740 --> 01:27:09,789
Okay, honey, you're on speaker
phone in a police station.
1946
01:27:09,790 --> 01:27:13,212
- Be very careful what you say.
- Hello, police.
1947
01:27:13,213 --> 01:27:16,508
I love you. I love you. Don't...
don't hurt anymore people.
1948
01:27:16,509 --> 01:27:21,019
Easy. Easy. Watch it! Back off! Back off!
1949
01:27:21,020 --> 01:27:25,788
Elaine! Elaine! Elaine!
1950
01:27:25,789 --> 01:27:30,322
- I love you! I love you!
- Jake, I love you.
1951
01:27:32,797 --> 01:27:35,153
[cellphone vibrating]
1952
01:27:37,564 --> 01:27:39,090
Yes?
1953
01:27:39,613 --> 01:27:41,660
Yes.
1954
01:27:41,661 --> 01:27:44,433
I will communicate the message.
1955
01:27:46,078 --> 01:27:48,124
Mr. Sobvechik will
not be joining us.
1956
01:27:48,125 --> 01:27:49,787
We will have to postpone.
1957
01:27:49,788 --> 01:27:52,059
Come on. This is the third time.
1958
01:27:52,060 --> 01:27:53,853
My client has a newborn he
has to spend time with...
1959
01:27:53,854 --> 01:27:56,636
We have made a generous
offer to settle this lawsuit.
1960
01:27:56,637 --> 01:27:59,676
Your client is clearly
dragging this thing out...
1961
01:27:59,677 --> 01:28:01,650
We'll be in touch to reschedule.
1962
01:28:02,717 --> 01:28:06,034
[instrumental music]
1963
01:28:11,837 --> 01:28:14,973
I forgot that Pinkerton
was an alias of yours.
1964
01:28:14,974 --> 01:28:17,235
You never caught that reference.
1965
01:28:19,069 --> 01:28:20,946
Madame Butterfly.
1966
01:28:21,980 --> 01:28:23,643
Just because I don't applaud your intellect
1967
01:28:23,644 --> 01:28:26,161
doesn't mean I don't notice it.
1968
01:28:33,917 --> 01:28:35,100
Mathew...
1969
01:28:35,101 --> 01:28:37,211
I need you to swear
1970
01:28:37,212 --> 01:28:39,035
that you didn't plan this.
1971
01:28:39,036 --> 01:28:41,149
I didn't plan this.
1972
01:28:41,150 --> 01:28:42,491
Jake's offering you a lot of money
1973
01:28:42,492 --> 01:28:44,572
to settle this emotional distress lawsuit
1974
01:28:44,573 --> 01:28:46,523
so just take it.
1975
01:28:46,524 --> 01:28:48,732
Or what? Are you... are you threatening me?
1976
01:28:48,733 --> 01:28:50,364
I don't need to threaten you.
1977
01:28:50,365 --> 01:28:54,043
Let me guess. I drop it, or
you tell Emma we slept together.
1978
01:28:54,044 --> 01:28:56,753
- I'd tell her what I know.
- Which is what?
1979
01:28:58,812 --> 01:29:02,098
I know that you stop
breathing when you kiss.
1980
01:29:03,997 --> 01:29:06,908
That when you lean in to
whisper, you put your lips
1981
01:29:06,909 --> 01:29:09,458
right up against the back of my earlobe.
1982
01:29:10,589 --> 01:29:12,379
That you kiss the back of my neck before
1983
01:29:12,380 --> 01:29:15,025
you slip my coat over my shoulders.
1984
01:29:17,470 --> 01:29:20,369
I remember every
compliment you ever gave me.
1985
01:29:21,405 --> 01:29:24,306
Everything you ever did to me in bed.
1986
01:29:25,820 --> 01:29:27,035
And the day you made me yours.
1987
01:29:27,036 --> 01:29:29,149
The day you said...
1988
01:29:29,150 --> 01:29:32,699
..."Elaine, I wish I could have known you
1989
01:29:32,700 --> 01:29:35,228
"when you were a little girl,
so that I could've been..."
1990
01:29:35,229 --> 01:29:37,266
"Could've been your true love."
1991
01:29:38,621 --> 01:29:40,978
I remember too, you know.
1992
01:29:42,364 --> 01:29:44,850
Would any of it sound familiar to Emma?
1993
01:29:46,396 --> 01:29:48,604
Some, yeah.
1994
01:29:48,605 --> 01:29:49,469
I don't think she needs to know
1995
01:29:49,470 --> 01:29:51,036
the things she holds close to her heart
1996
01:29:51,037 --> 01:29:53,874
were rehearsed on someone else.
1997
01:29:56,604 --> 01:29:58,386
Goodbye, Mathew.
1998
01:29:59,389 --> 01:30:01,650
♪ Oh oh oh ♪
1999
01:30:03,102 --> 01:30:06,034
♪ Oh oh oh ♪
2000
01:30:07,580 --> 01:30:08,860
So is he gonna drop the charges?
2001
01:30:08,861 --> 01:30:09,947
Am I allowed to leave the state?
2002
01:30:09,948 --> 01:30:12,764
- He will. You may.
- Good.
2003
01:30:12,765 --> 01:30:13,947
Because I booked us a flight back
2004
01:30:13,948 --> 01:30:15,196
to Michigan at 10:00 a.m. tomorrow morning.
2005
01:30:15,197 --> 01:30:17,435
Great. I have a final at 3:00.
2006
01:30:17,436 --> 01:30:19,995
Excellent. I'll help you
study. I'll make flashcards.
2007
01:30:19,996 --> 01:30:21,819
- So no honeymoon?
- Oh, no, no.
2008
01:30:21,820 --> 01:30:23,292
There's gonna be a honeymoon.
2009
01:30:23,293 --> 01:30:24,221
I got us the penthouse suite
2010
01:30:24,222 --> 01:30:25,467
down at the plaza right down the road here.
2011
01:30:25,468 --> 01:30:26,780
- Nice.
- Mm-hmm.
2012
01:30:26,781 --> 01:30:28,027
But first I've gotta take you downtown
2013
01:30:28,028 --> 01:30:29,885
and make an honest woman out of you.
2014
01:30:29,886 --> 01:30:32,219
- Rings?
- Shit.
2015
01:30:32,220 --> 01:30:34,705
Kidding. Xander's got them.
2016
01:30:36,189 --> 01:30:38,043
I can't believe we lost our virginity
2017
01:30:38,044 --> 01:30:40,731
to each other and saved
ourselves for marriage.
2018
01:30:40,732 --> 01:30:42,491
- Yeah.
- That's pretty great.
2019
01:30:42,492 --> 01:30:43,517
I'm proud of us. Nicely done.
2020
01:30:43,518 --> 01:30:44,699
I mean...
2021
01:30:44,700 --> 01:30:45,659
It's not like we haven't done it.
2022
01:30:45,660 --> 01:30:46,939
- Of course.
- I know what it looks like.
2023
01:30:46,940 --> 01:30:48,476
Yeah, yeah. It's been a while.
2024
01:30:48,477 --> 01:30:50,332
But I know what your
situation is down there.
2025
01:30:50,333 --> 01:30:53,138
Oh, really? Yeah, how's my situation?
2026
01:30:54,077 --> 01:30:56,977
Are you kidding? It's perfect.
2027
01:30:59,164 --> 01:31:03,217
Oh, well, I'm pretty
much a dream come true.
2028
01:31:06,558 --> 01:31:08,242
- Mousetrap.
- Mousetrap.
2029
01:31:10,301 --> 01:31:11,869
- Do we really have to...
- No, we don't.
2030
01:31:11,870 --> 01:31:13,277
...say that.
2031
01:31:13,278 --> 01:31:15,698
Well, from safe word to code word, I guess.
2032
01:31:16,956 --> 01:31:18,459
- We should probably...
- Let's go fuck first.
2033
01:31:18,460 --> 01:31:19,996
- Then we'll meet them down there.
- We gotta do it now, yeah.
2034
01:31:19,997 --> 01:31:21,308
- Yeah, let's be quick.
- Yeah, yeah, of course.
2035
01:31:21,309 --> 01:31:22,971
Call Xander, tell him we're gonna be late.
2036
01:31:22,972 --> 01:31:24,060
Absolutely. How long shall
I tell him we're going to be?
2037
01:31:24,061 --> 01:31:27,516
- A couple of hours.
- Really? Luck guy, aren't I?
2038
01:31:27,517 --> 01:31:28,828
Yeah, and then we'll still go get married.
2039
01:31:28,829 --> 01:31:29,980
Absolutely. Yeah.
2040
01:31:29,981 --> 01:31:31,355
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I forgot something.
2041
01:31:31,356 --> 01:31:32,860
What?
2042
01:31:32,861 --> 01:31:36,316
♪ We are sleeping... ♪♪
2043
01:31:36,317 --> 01:31:37,618
That.
2044
01:31:38,398 --> 01:31:39,953
- Yeah.
- Better right?
2045
01:31:41,245 --> 01:31:43,963
- So we just got 20 blocks.
- Why didn't we take the bus?
2046
01:31:43,964 --> 01:31:46,811
Oh, that's a good point.
Should we get on the bus?
2047
01:31:46,812 --> 01:31:49,916
- I wonder if we find the route...
- Oh, you're such a romantic.
2048
01:31:49,917 --> 01:31:52,123
No, I actually left my sweatshirt, I think.
2049
01:31:52,124 --> 01:31:53,947
- I love you.
- I love you too.
2050
01:31:53,948 --> 01:31:57,596
♪ We can stay together ♪
2051
01:31:57,597 --> 01:32:01,756
♪ I'll keep you safe forever ♪
2052
01:32:01,757 --> 01:32:05,138
♪ I know that sounds heavy ♪
2053
01:32:05,885 --> 01:32:09,425
♪ Fuck it and whatever ♪♪
2054
01:32:09,884 --> 01:32:12,498
♪ Oh oh oh ♪
2055
01:32:13,788 --> 01:32:16,241
♪ Oh oh oh ♪
2056
01:32:16,893 --> 01:32:19,036
Uh, Yeah, w-we'll be here.
2057
01:32:19,037 --> 01:32:22,802
Okay. Have fun? I don't know, okay, Bye.
2058
01:32:24,188 --> 01:32:27,163
Um, they're gonna be
here in like, 90 minutes.
2059
01:32:27,164 --> 01:32:28,604
When have you ever had sex for 90 minutes?
2060
01:32:28,605 --> 01:32:30,588
- With you?
- With anybody.
2061
01:32:30,589 --> 01:32:32,924
- Oh, many times.
- You have not had sex for 90 minutes.
2062
01:32:32,925 --> 01:32:35,132
I have had like, actual intercourse...
2063
01:32:35,133 --> 01:32:37,116
I bet they're counting
like, foreplay and stuff.
2064
01:32:37,117 --> 01:32:39,643
No, but maybe they are.
2065
01:32:39,644 --> 01:32:42,812
Frankly, I'd be shocked
if they made it at all.
2066
01:32:42,813 --> 01:32:44,636
I bet this sex thing is a ruse.
2067
01:32:44,637 --> 01:32:46,364
- For what?
- They're having trouble.
2068
01:32:46,365 --> 01:32:48,316
Of cold feet, second thoughts.
2069
01:32:48,317 --> 01:32:49,181
Second thoughts?
2070
01:32:49,182 --> 01:32:51,067
They literally just got back together.
2071
01:32:51,068 --> 01:32:54,011
I know. But now they
have this whole sex thing.
2072
01:32:54,012 --> 01:32:56,284
- I don't know.
- First of all...
2073
01:32:56,285 --> 01:32:58,267
...we had sex, at the last minute
2074
01:32:58,268 --> 01:32:59,645
right before we got married.
2075
01:32:59,646 --> 01:33:01,916
- I don't think that's true.
- Really?
2076
01:33:01,917 --> 01:33:04,604
You don't remember someone sneaking
into my room right before...
2077
01:33:04,605 --> 01:33:07,324
Who? Who? I'll murder him.
2078
01:33:07,325 --> 01:33:09,403
Text us if you're gonna do this.
2079
01:33:09,404 --> 01:33:11,707
And we'll be there. I've got
the rings, the whole deal.
2080
01:33:11,708 --> 01:33:14,524
- So just, uh...
- We're gonna have sex for 9 minutes.
2081
01:33:14,525 --> 01:33:16,060
We're gonna have sex...
2082
01:33:16,061 --> 01:33:17,468
Yes, we're gonna have sex for 9 minutes.
2083
01:33:17,469 --> 01:33:21,117
Now, I... Now, I'm super happy with 4 to 6.
2084
01:33:21,118 --> 01:33:23,803
4 to 6 minutes or 46 inches?
2085
01:33:23,804 --> 01:33:26,620
- Both.
- I can get to like, 6 and a quarter.
2086
01:33:26,621 --> 01:33:28,189
- I'll show you, right now!
- Prove it.
2087
01:33:28,190 --> 01:33:29,948
- Alright.
- It is so cold.
2088
01:33:29,949 --> 01:33:31,388
- I can't get hard right now.
- Do show me.
2089
01:33:31,389 --> 01:33:33,307
- I can't get hard right now.
- Alright.
2090
01:33:33,308 --> 01:33:34,811
- Ooh, I wanna though.
- Here.
2091
01:33:34,812 --> 01:33:36,252
If they're gonna be 90 minutes...
2092
01:33:36,253 --> 01:33:38,556
- Will this help?
- Yeah. Ooh, that's do it then.
2093
01:33:38,557 --> 01:33:40,178
It's doin' somethin'.
2094
01:33:41,021 --> 01:33:42,939
Ooh, there's a kid lookin' at me.
2095
01:33:42,940 --> 01:33:44,987
The kid's locked eyes with me.
2096
01:33:44,988 --> 01:33:46,844
- Hey.
- We made it work.
2097
01:33:46,845 --> 01:33:50,012
12 years. Who would've thought?
2098
01:33:50,013 --> 01:33:52,603
I bet... I bet my brother 7 and I'd be out.
2099
01:33:52,604 --> 01:33:54,907
- I had to give him $5000.
- What?
2100
01:33:54,908 --> 01:33:56,443
Yeah, 5 years ago.
2101
01:33:56,444 --> 01:33:58,716
I gave him $5000, remember you were so mad?
2102
01:33:58,717 --> 01:33:59,835
- Yeah!
- Yeah.
2103
01:33:59,836 --> 01:34:01,179
- I paid him that...
- You said...
2104
01:34:01,180 --> 01:34:03,067
Because I... I lasted longer.
2105
01:34:03,068 --> 01:34:04,753
You said you got into a car accident.
2106
01:34:05,597 --> 01:34:08,092
It's weird to look at you for this long.
2107
01:34:08,093 --> 01:34:10,940
- What do you mean?
- I never look at you.
2108
01:34:10,941 --> 01:34:13,457
You gotta get a good gander.
2109
01:34:16,156 --> 01:34:17,851
What are you doin'? Don't dance.
2110
01:34:17,852 --> 01:34:21,275
Don't dance, please. Ugh!
2111
01:34:21,276 --> 01:34:22,876
I don't like it. What
are you... what are you...
2112
01:34:22,877 --> 01:34:25,244
Don't grind up on me.
2113
01:34:25,245 --> 01:34:26,619
- What?
- There's not even music.
2114
01:34:26,620 --> 01:34:29,436
Really? There's music in my body.
2115
01:34:29,437 --> 01:34:31,260
Now, something's gonna
happen. Let's get outta here.
2116
01:34:31,261 --> 01:34:34,236
Let's go back to the hotel.
I wanna do stuff to your body.
2117
01:34:34,237 --> 01:34:36,763
Upstairs, downstairs. Right?
2118
01:34:36,764 --> 01:34:38,641
- Yeah.
- Alright!
2119
01:34:40,765 --> 01:34:42,834
- I love you, honey.
- I love you.
2120
01:34:43,068 --> 01:34:44,795
Let's go!
2121
01:34:44,796 --> 01:34:46,288
[Miniature Tigers
singing "Oblivious"]
2122
01:34:48,573 --> 01:34:51,451
♪ Lately I feel like ♪
2123
01:34:51,452 --> 01:34:55,025
♪ A blown out birthday candle ♪
2124
01:34:57,373 --> 01:34:59,291
♪ One look in the mirror ♪
2125
01:34:59,292 --> 01:35:03,120
♪ And I know the party's over ♪
2126
01:35:05,469 --> 01:35:09,372
♪ And yeah I want a big house ♪
2127
01:35:09,373 --> 01:35:11,227
♪ With a swimming pool ♪
2128
01:35:11,228 --> 01:35:13,009
♪ Oh oh oh ♪
2129
01:35:13,660 --> 01:35:17,563
♪ Fuck it baby I got you ♪
2130
01:35:17,564 --> 01:35:20,796
♪ Fuck it baby I got you ♪
2131
01:35:20,797 --> 01:35:24,379
♪ I'm so lost in my head ♪
2132
01:35:24,380 --> 01:35:27,804
♪ It's way too real out there ♪
2133
01:35:27,805 --> 01:35:31,835
♪ I'm lost in a daydream I don't care ♪
2134
01:35:31,836 --> 01:35:36,208
♪ I'm oblivious yeah ♪
2135
01:35:40,157 --> 01:35:45,938
♪ Spaced out in the days
I couldn't hear you ♪
2136
01:35:48,956 --> 01:35:53,584
♪ The music drowns
you out I didn't care ♪
2137
01:35:56,796 --> 01:36:00,827
♪ I know you want a quiet house ♪
2138
01:36:00,828 --> 01:36:03,185
♪ With a lemon tree ♪
2139
01:36:04,956 --> 01:36:09,180
♪ I'm sorry baby you're stuck with me ♪
2140
01:36:09,181 --> 01:36:12,284
♪ I'm sorry baby you're stuck with me ♪
2141
01:36:12,285 --> 01:36:16,027
♪ I'm so lost in my head ♪
2142
01:36:16,028 --> 01:36:19,483
♪ It's way too real out there ♪
2143
01:36:19,484 --> 01:36:23,515
♪ I'm lost in a daydream I don't care ♪
2144
01:36:23,516 --> 01:36:27,153
♪ I'm oblivious yeah ♪
2145
01:36:27,612 --> 01:36:31,388
♪ I'm oblivious oh ♪
2146
01:36:31,389 --> 01:36:35,259
♪ I'm oblivious yeah ♪
2147
01:36:35,260 --> 01:36:37,883
♪ I'm oblivious ♪
2148
01:36:37,884 --> 01:36:40,657
♪ Oh oh oh ♪♪
2149
01:36:41,789 --> 01:36:44,639
[instrumental music]
2150
01:36:44,640 --> 01:36:50,140
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com