1
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Fuego del Culo.
2
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Girl, if it itches, it's crabs.
3
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Hey, girl. You want some brown liquor?
4
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Brown liquor don't make this pussy pop.
5
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Tequila it is.
6
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Here you go. Mm.
7
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!Viva la revolución!
8
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Now, that shit right there make
9
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my pussy pop on a handstand!
10
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So, what are you doing here anyway?
11
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What do you think I'm doing here?
12
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I'm starring in the opening scene.
13
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Been there, done that.
14
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Pick up the phone! Pick up the pho--
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Richie? Teyana. Hi.
16
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I thought it'd be easier for the audience
17
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if they didn't have to read more texts.
18
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Yeah, that makes sense. 'Cause you know these motherfuckers can't read.
19
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I know who goes to see a Wayans Brothers movie.
20
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Well, it's nice to phone-meet you
21
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in this super awkward way.
22
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Likewise. But I got to be honest.
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When I seen your profile pic, a bitch almost swiped left
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because you look mad goofy.
25
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But surprisingly,
26
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you know them goofy niggas got big dicks, so here we are.
27
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I take you for a Jersey girl.
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A Jersey girl?
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Listen, I love Jersey down.
30
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But I'm a Harlem girl. Born and motherfucking raised.
31
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Real niggas only. Yeah.
32
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Oh, so you're Black.
33
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No, motherfucker!
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I'm black!
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All caps.
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No cap, but caps.
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Fuck all y'all!
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Bitch, spit them pearls back out.
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I ain't want your shit.
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Hello. So tell me,
41
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what's your favorite scary movie?
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Mm... I don't really do them, you know.
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All the stupid tropes and shit.
44
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Why is it always the white bitch at the end?
45
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Because they know it is too hard to kill a sista.
46
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Y'know what I'm sayin'? Cause if the sista can survive
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government cheese, we can survive anything.
48
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You know, it might help if you met me outside.
49
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Met you outside? Boy, you is needy!
50
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What's your sign? You must be a Scorpio.
51
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How'd you know?
52
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Good dick though. But toxic as hell.
53
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Hey, is the restaurant near an alley?
54
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Yes, hurry before they rob your ass.
55
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Roses? Ah! Not today.
56
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Cheap bitch. Heard you, ho.
57
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Okay, I'm-- I'm coming down the alley now.
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I'm here. Can you see me? I'm waving.
59
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No.
60
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The person I'm looking at is not waving.
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In fact, they're just staring at me.
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Well, stare at his ass back!
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And don't blink. Never blink.
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You got to scrunch your lips and be like, "What?"
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No, they're walking towards me now.
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Hold on. Oh no, they have a knife!
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Well, don't lead his ass over here.
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And that's not the worst part.
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The worst part is you know so much
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about horror movies and yet you still
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walked into the alley alone.
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Yeah, well the worst part is,
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you fucking with a New York bitch. Cuckoo!
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Yeah!
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Cuckoo, cuckoo!
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Cuckoo!
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Damn! She's on some Avengers shit!
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Seriously, Larry?
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I ain't recognize your bird call.
80
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Thought you was going more with a--
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That's a pigeon, nigga! Supposed to be, "Cuckoo!"
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Cuckoo! A hawk swooping in an attack!
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My bad.
84
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Are you done?
85
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What the hell?
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Bitch, I'm Teyana Taylor. My abs got abs.
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Get him!
88
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Ow! My arm! My arm!
89
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Get in there!
90
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Come on, guys, we can work this out.
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Somebody help me!
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Do it, Larry!
93
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No, no, no--
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Hi-yah!
95
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Ow! Oh, God!
96
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All right, all right, all right, all right!
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We out. Get your hardheaded ass on.
98
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Welcome to New York, sucker!
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Hey, Teyana.
100
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You might have kicked my ass,
101
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but you still didn't win that Oscar.
102
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What you say about my Oscar?
103
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Did I stutter? You lost!
104
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You right.
105
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But I won that Golden Globe, bitch.
106
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Oh, my God! Really?
107
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That's why I never watched Horror Movie.
108
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It's fucking terrible.
109
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Just a bunch of celebrity cameos and fart gags.
110
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So, you don't like parodies?
111
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I'm more into Judd Apatow films.
112
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You know, elevated comedy.
113
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And what is elevated comedy?
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Mm.
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The kind that doesn't actually make anyone laugh,
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but makes white people feel smart.
117
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Tuesday, don't answer that!
118
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It could be Ghostface.
119
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Oh, come on, Elle!
120
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Stuff like that only happens in the movies.
121
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Oh, hey.
122
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I wasn't expecting you to answer the door.
123
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What the fuck? Now where is my knife?
124
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Ah, here it is.
125
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Hello, Tuesday.
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Hey, miss.
127
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What'd you take?
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Just Ritalin for my ADHD.
129
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Adderall for PTSD.
130
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A couple of Xanax for my anxiety.
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And your boner pills.
132
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So good luck getting it up now.
133
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Jesus, Sara, how many did you take?
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I don't know. How many come in a bottle?
135
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Hey, Jess. Sara,
136
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Tuesday's in the hospital.
137
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She was stabbed. By a killer-- you know, Ghostface.
138
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Wait. From Wu-Tang?
139
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Why would Ghostface Killah aka Pretty Toney
140
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aka Starky Love want to stab my sister?
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God, Sara, it wasn't Ghostface Killah.
142
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It was somebody in a Ghostface mask.
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Oh!
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Okay, that makes more sense.
145
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Hah!
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I ain't the one!
147
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Oh!
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Jesus, Jack!
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What?
150
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I was thinking about wearing this for Halloween.
151
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My estranged flat-chested half-sister
152
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was nearly killed by a psycho in a ghost mask.
153
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I got to go see her and make up for the past.
154
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Whoa-- Hey, hey, hey.
155
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I'm going with you.
156
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Not because I'm the obvious killer
157
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trying to lure you back to your hometown.
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I'm just the supportive boyfriend.
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Yeah. That's all.
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Okay, let's go. Get in the car.
161
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Listen, we just have to make one stop on the way.
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I survived.
163
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All thanks to my lucky penny.
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I hate when y'all leave! Come give me a hug.
165
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Ma, come on, turn off this ratchet-ass music.
166
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It's embarrassing, especially for Black women.
167
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It's not embarrassing.
168
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I'm the cool ma everybody wish they had.
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I'm lit! Don't forget,
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I got practice later so I'll be home late.
171
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You only made the team because you're Black
172
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and those racist fucks assumed you could play.
173
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Mm. It's 2026.
174
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I don't think race is an issue.
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Do you read Black Twitter?
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No.
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Ugh, Brad,
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are you still dating that ho?
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Okay.
180
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Stop ho-shaming her, heiffa.
181
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Just because Darrel and them
182
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ran a train on her doesn't make her a ho.
183
00:09:02,103 --> 00:09:04,803
She's not a "ho", she's "sex positive".
184
00:09:04,972 --> 00:09:06,875
Well, I'm positive she is a ho.
185
00:09:08,006 --> 00:09:09,872
Hey, girl! Look at you!
186
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Early for Halloween, huh?
187
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What you this year? Slutty schoolgirl?
188
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Ho-ey ho?
189
00:09:14,517 --> 00:09:16,417
Hi, Ms. Meeks.
190
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Love the hair. Very...
191
00:09:18,487 --> 00:09:19,915
Octavia Spencer.
192
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Well, thank you very much.
193
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I got to invite you over
194
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and make you a little shit pie. Ooh.
195
00:09:25,395 --> 00:09:28,089
You know what? I got to get to African American History class.
196
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We're learning about slavery.
197
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Come to find out, it was a choice.
198
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You see that right there?
199
00:09:34,033 --> 00:09:35,704
That's Kanye? That's right.
200
00:09:35,873 --> 00:09:38,306
They've been teaching us wrong all this time.
201
00:09:38,508 --> 00:09:39,474
Mm-hmm. Stay Black!
202
00:09:39,677 --> 00:09:42,443
Bye, Ma. All right. Bye, baby.
203
00:09:42,645 --> 00:09:43,712
Bye, Ms. Meeks. Bye.
204
00:09:43,881 --> 00:09:45,878
Son, I put some condoms in your bag!
205
00:09:46,047 --> 00:09:47,610
You know how they try to trap y'all.
206
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Ma!
207
00:09:51,052 --> 00:09:52,985
Okay, seriously, "Sheriff Greg",
208
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you don't have to walk me to class. I'm fine.
209
00:09:54,958 --> 00:09:57,762
Jess, there's a serial killer on the loose.
210
00:09:57,931 --> 00:10:00,461
I'm not gonna let anything happen to my baby girl.
211
00:10:00,630 --> 00:10:02,559
Boy! Okay? I'm a baby boy!
212
00:10:02,728 --> 00:10:04,064
I'm sorry!
213
00:10:04,233 --> 00:10:05,969
I'm having a hard time with this transition.
214
00:10:06,171 --> 00:10:09,434
Okay, it's really simple. Treat me like one of the guys.
215
00:10:09,603 --> 00:10:10,804
Okay?
216
00:10:10,973 --> 00:10:13,311
All right. I-I can do that. Yeah.
217
00:10:13,513 --> 00:10:15,673
Slap fight. Oh.
218
00:10:15,875 --> 00:10:16,848
You call that a slap?
219
00:10:18,414 --> 00:10:19,450
Whew.
220
00:10:19,618 --> 00:10:21,078
What the hell did you do that for?
221
00:10:21,247 --> 00:10:24,121
Don't act like such a bitch.
222
00:10:24,289 --> 00:10:25,783
Bitch.
223
00:10:28,955 --> 00:10:31,157
Yeah, not bad.
224
00:10:33,963 --> 00:10:35,491
Who the hell lives like this?
225
00:10:47,614 --> 00:10:50,447
Oh, honey, it is so good to see you!
226
00:10:50,616 --> 00:10:52,340
Come in! Do you want some tea?
227
00:10:52,543 --> 00:10:55,209
Oh, my God, Mother. You look like shit!
228
00:10:55,411 --> 00:10:56,952
Babe, please.
229
00:10:57,121 --> 00:10:58,580
This is clearly a woman who's run out of conditioner.
230
00:10:58,749 --> 00:11:00,751
Oh, be careful where you walk. The whole place
231
00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:02,354
is booby-trapped.
232
00:11:02,523 --> 00:11:04,557
You never know when that psycho's gonna come back.
233
00:11:04,759 --> 00:11:06,458
Come in.
234
00:11:06,627 --> 00:11:07,798
Okay.
235
00:11:16,937 --> 00:11:19,469
I hate this job.
236
00:11:21,710 --> 00:11:23,044
Mrs. Campbell,
237
00:11:23,846 --> 00:11:25,977
I'm Jack, Sara's boyfriend.
238
00:11:26,146 --> 00:11:27,877
I've heard so much about you...
239
00:11:28,046 --> 00:11:29,215
Uh, none of it good.
240
00:11:30,250 --> 00:11:32,489
I have heard nothing about you, Jack.
241
00:11:32,658 --> 00:11:34,354
I assume you're a piece of shit.
242
00:11:34,523 --> 00:11:37,492
But how would I know when I haven't heard from my daughter
243
00:11:37,660 --> 00:11:39,493
in, what, six months?
244
00:11:39,662 --> 00:11:41,331
Six years, Mother.
245
00:11:41,500 --> 00:11:43,198
And whose fault is that?
246
00:11:43,367 --> 00:11:45,968
"And whose fault is that?" I don't know, maybe it's yours!
247
00:11:46,602 --> 00:11:47,870
That's fair.
248
00:11:48,039 --> 00:11:50,766
We want to learn from the horror you survived.
249
00:11:50,968 --> 00:11:51,737
Look...
250
00:11:51,973 --> 00:11:53,743
Scary Movie 3 and 4
251
00:11:53,945 --> 00:11:55,545
paid me a lot of money for a girl--
252
00:11:55,714 --> 00:11:57,673
There is nothing to learn there.
253
00:11:57,842 --> 00:12:00,448
But if you want to talk about The House Bunny, shoot.
254
00:12:00,650 --> 00:12:02,215
It's happening again!
255
00:12:02,384 --> 00:12:05,686
Some asshole in a mask. We have to stop him.
256
00:12:05,855 --> 00:12:07,790
You're not ready, lovebug.
257
00:12:07,992 --> 00:12:11,152
I have been preparing for this for years.
258
00:12:11,321 --> 00:12:12,894
Sacrificed everything.
259
00:12:13,063 --> 00:12:16,026
You were a terrible mother. Come on, honey
260
00:12:16,195 --> 00:12:17,892
we had some good times.
261
00:12:18,061 --> 00:12:21,932
Like that Christmas I took you to meet Santa at the mall.
262
00:12:31,448 --> 00:12:32,344
Move!
263
00:12:32,977 --> 00:12:34,375
Hi, Santa.
264
00:12:34,544 --> 00:12:37,716
Sorry if I don't sit in your lap.
265
00:12:37,885 --> 00:12:39,319
You creep me out.
266
00:12:46,958 --> 00:12:47,898
Mom?
267
00:12:48,700 --> 00:12:50,697
Santa gave me a severed arm!
268
00:12:50,865 --> 00:12:52,595
Be sure to thank him.
269
00:12:59,302 --> 00:13:01,278
Is that a foot?
270
00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:03,007
Ew, that's gross.
271
00:13:04,416 --> 00:13:05,546
What the fuck?
272
00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:09,820
I am sorry
273
00:13:09,989 --> 00:13:12,721
if that's how you found out Santa doesn't exist.
274
00:13:12,890 --> 00:13:14,816
Ugh, Mother, I need your help!
275
00:13:14,985 --> 00:13:18,153
To heal our emotional wounds and put the past behind us?
276
00:13:18,321 --> 00:13:19,961
Oh, God, no.
277
00:13:20,130 --> 00:13:22,630
No, to kill Ghostface!
278
00:13:22,798 --> 00:13:24,299
Do you have any guns?
279
00:13:25,671 --> 00:13:28,295
I am Cindy fucking Campbell.
280
00:13:28,464 --> 00:13:30,074
I've got millions of guns!
281
00:13:30,243 --> 00:13:31,101
But, um,
282
00:13:31,270 --> 00:13:32,840
none of them are registered
283
00:13:33,009 --> 00:13:35,111
due to my mental health issues.
284
00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:38,943
So, if you could just keep that on the low--
285
00:13:39,112 --> 00:13:41,044
Okay. Oh!
286
00:13:41,246 --> 00:13:42,611
Yeah, I'm gonna be fine.
287
00:13:42,780 --> 00:13:44,314
I didn't hurt myself on any of these spikes.
288
00:13:52,722 --> 00:13:54,531
Oh, hey, so I spoke to Sara earlier.
289
00:13:54,700 --> 00:13:55,994
Oh, is she coming? You know,
290
00:13:56,163 --> 00:13:57,533
I did hear a buzzing sound.
291
00:13:57,735 --> 00:13:59,334
So it's possible. No.
292
00:13:59,503 --> 00:14:02,240
I meant to Woodsville, dumbass. Oh. Yeah, I forgot to ask.
293
00:14:02,442 --> 00:14:03,970
Hey, Jimbo! Go deep!
294
00:14:04,139 --> 00:14:04,900
Yeah, yeah! Throw it, throw it!
295
00:14:05,102 --> 00:14:06,871
Oh!
296
00:14:07,073 --> 00:14:08,209
Sweet!
297
00:14:08,977 --> 00:14:10,307
Speaking of going deep...
298
00:14:10,476 --> 00:14:12,343
Uh, I don't know if it's a good time.
299
00:14:12,512 --> 00:14:14,118
Everyone knows what happens to teenagers
300
00:14:14,287 --> 00:14:15,718
who try to make love when there's a killer on the loose.
301
00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:17,414
Brad's right about one thing, guys.
302
00:14:17,616 --> 00:14:20,016
Okay, Ghostface is back. We need to arm up.
303
00:14:20,185 --> 00:14:22,616
Pepper spray, check.
304
00:14:22,785 --> 00:14:24,493
Taser, check.
305
00:14:24,662 --> 00:14:26,189
Butt plug,
306
00:14:26,358 --> 00:14:27,726
double check.
307
00:14:27,895 --> 00:14:28,996
Goddamn!
308
00:14:29,164 --> 00:14:30,830
You just carry that thing around?
309
00:14:30,998 --> 00:14:32,497
It's easy to hide.
310
00:14:35,707 --> 00:14:38,074
In your butt.
311
00:14:38,709 --> 00:14:40,208
I'm impressed.
312
00:14:49,546 --> 00:14:52,915
What's up, y'all? I'm back!
313
00:14:54,558 --> 00:14:55,526
Shit, son!
314
00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:57,619
Hey, what's up, Unc? "Unc"?
315
00:14:57,821 --> 00:15:00,324
I'm tired of you little Gen Z Alpha niggas
316
00:15:00,493 --> 00:15:02,524
using terms like "unc" and "auntie".
317
00:15:02,693 --> 00:15:05,098
Gaslighting and glazing and glamping,
318
00:15:05,267 --> 00:15:07,131
trying to make my generation sound old.
319
00:15:07,333 --> 00:15:08,762
I ain't your damn unc, nigga!
320
00:15:08,965 --> 00:15:11,169
Shorty, you're our mother's brother, so, yeah,
321
00:15:11,338 --> 00:15:12,907
technically, you are our uncle.
322
00:15:13,076 --> 00:15:15,845
Oh. My bad.
323
00:15:16,014 --> 00:15:18,382
Crazy that they let you teach here.
324
00:15:18,551 --> 00:15:20,811
Teach? Nah, nigga.
325
00:15:21,013 --> 00:15:22,382
I attend.
326
00:15:22,550 --> 00:15:25,888
You looking at a proud 25th-year senior.
327
00:15:26,057 --> 00:15:27,458
When are you finally gonna graduate?
328
00:15:27,627 --> 00:15:28,883
By the time we do a sequel
329
00:15:29,052 --> 00:15:29,890
and I got to follow you little young niggas
330
00:15:30,059 --> 00:15:30,989
to college to get my check.
331
00:15:31,192 --> 00:15:32,863
Wait, guys. Tuesday's awake!
332
00:15:33,032 --> 00:15:35,259
All right! Tuesday! Who the fuck is Tuesday?
333
00:15:35,428 --> 00:15:36,592
Hey, we gotta go to the hospital.
334
00:15:36,761 --> 00:15:39,193
You gonna take the bus home? No. The pj.
335
00:15:39,362 --> 00:15:40,866
Private jet?
336
00:15:41,035 --> 00:15:42,034
Yeah. Jealous?
337
00:15:42,203 --> 00:15:43,567
Man, you smoke weed all day.
338
00:15:43,736 --> 00:15:46,108
Just play video games, you live-stream.
339
00:15:46,277 --> 00:15:47,606
You literally got money doing nothing.
340
00:15:47,774 --> 00:15:50,942
Exactly. I leave the hard work for the old heads.
341
00:15:51,111 --> 00:15:52,579
Shit, son!
342
00:15:54,086 --> 00:15:56,216
Still the same Shorty. Aight.
343
00:15:56,385 --> 00:15:57,954
Check my crypto, nigga.
344
00:15:58,123 --> 00:15:59,853
Aw, shit, I'm up three million dollars!
345
00:16:01,784 --> 00:16:03,923
Damn, now I'm down five million.
346
00:16:04,091 --> 00:16:06,459
This shit crazy, son.
347
00:16:41,257 --> 00:16:42,126
Ray!
348
00:16:42,295 --> 00:16:44,099
Sister Brenda, it's okay.
349
00:16:44,268 --> 00:16:46,395
You heard the call of sin, yes, you did.
350
00:16:46,597 --> 00:16:47,795
But the Lord has called on us
351
00:16:47,964 --> 00:16:50,432
to show men such like you the way.
352
00:16:50,601 --> 00:16:53,409
Come on, son! Come with us.
353
00:16:53,612 --> 00:16:54,979
Come on us.
354
00:16:55,148 --> 00:16:57,872
God see you coming. So don't cheat that come.
355
00:16:58,074 --> 00:17:02,050
We need you to come like you never came before.
356
00:17:02,219 --> 00:17:04,021
Come for the Father, come for the Son.
357
00:17:04,190 --> 00:17:06,453
I'ma hold your hand and we gonna come together.
358
00:17:06,622 --> 00:17:09,056
God is good, man! Yes, sir.
359
00:17:09,225 --> 00:17:10,052
Thank you, Jesus.
360
00:17:10,221 --> 00:17:11,089
Amen.
361
00:17:11,291 --> 00:17:12,057
Hallelujah.
362
00:17:12,226 --> 00:17:13,657
There you go.
363
00:17:13,826 --> 00:17:18,833
In the name of God, let it go, Ray! Let it go!
364
00:17:19,002 --> 00:17:19,732
Nigga!
365
00:17:19,935 --> 00:17:21,900
Oh, my bad.
366
00:17:22,102 --> 00:17:23,230
Last time.
367
00:17:26,245 --> 00:17:29,913
Let's welcome a new member to our congre-gay-tion.
368
00:17:30,082 --> 00:17:31,443
Let the people know
369
00:17:31,645 --> 00:17:33,715
how you feel, brother. There you go.
370
00:17:38,350 --> 00:17:40,547
I'm not gay no more.
371
00:17:40,716 --> 00:17:43,551
Hallelujah!
372
00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:44,561
Yes, sir!
373
00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:46,027
I'm not gay no more!
374
00:17:46,196 --> 00:17:47,388
Praise the lord!
375
00:17:47,557 --> 00:17:48,994
I'm not gay no more!
376
00:17:49,163 --> 00:17:50,425
He not gay no more.
377
00:17:50,627 --> 00:17:52,868
I've been delivered!
378
00:17:53,037 --> 00:17:55,166
I'll no longer date a mans!
379
00:17:55,335 --> 00:17:56,534
Even if he's sexy as hell
380
00:17:56,703 --> 00:17:59,108
with a big old chesteses and perky areolas!
381
00:17:59,277 --> 00:18:00,703
Oh, yeah, you still got a secret.
382
00:18:00,872 --> 00:18:04,373
I'll no longer carry a purse, put on makeup,
383
00:18:04,542 --> 00:18:05,447
walk around in high heels.
384
00:18:05,650 --> 00:18:06,942
What?
385
00:18:07,144 --> 00:18:09,347
Red bottoms. The one with the cute little buckle
386
00:18:09,516 --> 00:18:11,054
on the side. Those is my shoes.
387
00:18:11,223 --> 00:18:14,955
I'll no longer go on Grindr and swipe right
388
00:18:15,124 --> 00:18:16,759
at Black mens... Hmm?
389
00:18:16,928 --> 00:18:18,920
...white mens, Asian mens.
390
00:18:19,089 --> 00:18:21,394
You been on Grindr? I'll no longer take trips
391
00:18:21,563 --> 00:18:24,297
to the Philippines looking for ladyboys.
392
00:18:24,499 --> 00:18:27,502
To Phuket. Ko Samui. Back to Phuket.
393
00:18:27,704 --> 00:18:29,833
Then to Vietnam to see if I can get them any cheaper.
394
00:18:30,035 --> 00:18:32,107
I thought that was for our anniversary, Ray.
395
00:18:32,275 --> 00:18:34,112
Oh, this nigga got a lot of miles.
396
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,409
I'll no longer stand butt naked in a mirror
397
00:18:36,578 --> 00:18:38,549
with my penis tucked between my legs...
398
00:18:38,717 --> 00:18:41,375
...dancing like the dude from Silence of the Lambs.
399
00:18:41,544 --> 00:18:43,514
"It puts the lotion in the basket, Precious."
400
00:18:43,716 --> 00:18:46,348
I'm a changed man! I've been delivered!
401
00:18:46,550 --> 00:18:48,185
Shit. I will!
402
00:18:48,387 --> 00:18:50,092
I said I will!
403
00:18:50,261 --> 00:18:52,726
I will love a woman!
404
00:18:54,265 --> 00:18:55,260
Womans, womans, womans!
405
00:18:55,429 --> 00:18:57,162
You can take that "W-O" off.
406
00:18:57,365 --> 00:18:58,526
Womans, womans, womans!
407
00:18:58,728 --> 00:19:00,836
Mens-es, mens-es, mens-es.
408
00:19:01,004 --> 00:19:03,031
Womans--
409
00:19:06,539 --> 00:19:08,236
No, no. No, no, Ray. No, no.
410
00:19:14,952 --> 00:19:16,311
Gulp, gulp, gulp.
411
00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:18,779
Whoa, nigga.
412
00:19:18,948 --> 00:19:20,657
Hawk tuah, hawk tuah, hawk tuah!
413
00:19:20,826 --> 00:19:22,591
You hocking on it?
414
00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:24,624
I've been delivered!
415
00:19:53,521 --> 00:19:56,216
Tuesday, Tuesday.
416
00:19:57,019 --> 00:19:58,795
Oh, my God.
417
00:19:58,964 --> 00:20:00,864
Her face. All contorted.
418
00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:02,666
Oh, my God, and the moaning.
419
00:20:09,101 --> 00:20:11,203
I've been trying to get that out for an hour.
420
00:20:11,372 --> 00:20:13,376
How you feeling, Tues?
421
00:20:13,545 --> 00:20:15,904
Hey, what are they giving you for the pain? Is that--
422
00:20:16,073 --> 00:20:18,078
Is that morphine or...?
423
00:20:18,247 --> 00:20:20,177
Bitch. Let's see.
424
00:20:22,149 --> 00:20:24,216
Oh, yeah!
425
00:20:24,385 --> 00:20:27,386
Oh, this that good, good.
426
00:20:27,555 --> 00:20:28,883
This that Britney Spears shit.
427
00:20:29,052 --> 00:20:30,324
Makes me want to get half-naked,
428
00:20:30,493 --> 00:20:32,921
dance around and juggle some knives.
429
00:20:33,090 --> 00:20:35,295
Sara, who's that Jeffrey Dahmer look-a-like?
430
00:20:35,497 --> 00:20:38,131
Oh. This is my boyfriend, Jack.
431
00:20:38,333 --> 00:20:40,271
Really nice to meet you.
432
00:20:41,304 --> 00:20:42,666
Looks like Ted Bundy to me.
433
00:20:42,834 --> 00:20:45,070
But that ain't none of my business.
434
00:20:45,239 --> 00:20:47,134
Mm-hmm. Mm!
435
00:20:47,336 --> 00:20:49,307
This little stabbed-up bitch here needs some rest.
436
00:20:49,509 --> 00:20:51,615
So y'all get the fuck out!
437
00:20:51,784 --> 00:20:52,745
Yes, ma'am.
438
00:20:53,781 --> 00:20:55,348
Oh, not you, Sara.
439
00:20:55,517 --> 00:20:57,684
Why? What did I do?
440
00:20:58,582 --> 00:21:00,617
I'm so scared.
441
00:21:00,819 --> 00:21:04,225
Oh, Tues, you should be.
442
00:21:04,394 --> 00:21:06,954
You've been stabbed nine times.
443
00:21:07,123 --> 00:21:09,333
And the killer knows where you live.
444
00:21:09,535 --> 00:21:12,095
I would invite you to come stay at my place, but
445
00:21:12,264 --> 00:21:14,728
I don't really want that kind of juju in my house.
446
00:21:14,897 --> 00:21:16,106
For all we know,
447
00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:18,342
he's standing right outside that door.
448
00:21:23,873 --> 00:21:25,981
That's comforting, Sara.
449
00:21:26,183 --> 00:21:27,377
I thought I was gonna die.
450
00:21:27,545 --> 00:21:29,580
I know, me too!
451
00:21:29,749 --> 00:21:32,080
I planned your funeral.
452
00:21:32,249 --> 00:21:34,749
What the hell? And I wrote your obituary.
453
00:21:34,918 --> 00:21:36,827
More like ChatGPT wrote it.
454
00:21:36,996 --> 00:21:38,161
But you're still here.
455
00:21:38,330 --> 00:21:40,661
And I will never let anyone hurt you.
456
00:21:42,297 --> 00:21:44,768
Oh, yum! Ice chips!
457
00:21:44,937 --> 00:21:46,335
Oh, God!
458
00:21:46,538 --> 00:21:48,101
Get off me!
459
00:21:50,105 --> 00:21:51,306
Help!
460
00:21:51,475 --> 00:21:53,139
This white girl can't die on my shift!
461
00:21:53,307 --> 00:21:54,675
I'm a DEI hire!
462
00:21:54,843 --> 00:21:57,445
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! She was fine a second ago.
463
00:21:57,614 --> 00:21:59,684
No! No, I'm good! I'm good! Clear!
464
00:21:59,886 --> 00:22:01,649
Again!
465
00:22:01,818 --> 00:22:04,152
Come on, white bitch, I need this job! Clear!
466
00:22:04,321 --> 00:22:06,055
It's not working! Clear!
467
00:22:06,258 --> 00:22:08,724
We're losing her.
468
00:22:08,927 --> 00:22:10,284
Harder!
469
00:22:13,759 --> 00:22:14,856
Oh, boy.
470
00:22:15,058 --> 00:22:16,960
Look like there ain't nothing left
471
00:22:17,129 --> 00:22:19,260
but thoughts, prayers and pork rinds.
472
00:22:20,234 --> 00:22:21,303
Dear Lord.
473
00:22:21,472 --> 00:22:23,373
Nurse Ratchett, check out the wire!
474
00:22:23,542 --> 00:22:25,733
The Wire was the shit, baby. That's my show.
475
00:22:25,935 --> 00:22:27,740
Drugs and that Idris Elba
476
00:22:27,942 --> 00:22:30,044
make this coochie want to pop, pop, pop!
477
00:22:30,246 --> 00:22:32,447
Dear Lord, please
478
00:22:32,616 --> 00:22:33,948
accept this white bitch's--
479
00:22:34,117 --> 00:22:35,812
Oh!
480
00:22:35,980 --> 00:22:38,048
The Lord works in mysterious ways.
481
00:22:38,991 --> 00:22:40,052
I'm going on break.
482
00:22:40,221 --> 00:22:41,849
Oh, Tues.
483
00:22:42,018 --> 00:22:43,487
I will never let anyone
484
00:22:43,656 --> 00:22:46,160
hurt you again. Mm-mm.
485
00:22:49,836 --> 00:22:51,362
Ooh! My bad.
486
00:23:03,178 --> 00:23:04,344
Hello?
487
00:23:04,513 --> 00:23:06,816
Hello, Sara.
488
00:23:06,985 --> 00:23:08,419
Who is this?
489
00:23:08,588 --> 00:23:12,080
Someone who knows your little secret.
490
00:23:12,249 --> 00:23:14,749
No, no, I swear that wasn't a Nazi salute!
491
00:23:14,951 --> 00:23:16,318
Okay? I won Prom Queen
492
00:23:16,487 --> 00:23:18,418
and I was-- I was throwing my heart to the crowd!
493
00:23:18,620 --> 00:23:23,128
No, I'm talking about your family secret.
494
00:23:24,734 --> 00:23:27,604
Oh, you're the fuck who hurt my sister.
495
00:23:27,772 --> 00:23:29,934
Well, I had to get you to come back here.
496
00:23:30,103 --> 00:23:32,569
Listen, if you want to fuck with me, asshole,
497
00:23:32,737 --> 00:23:34,175
then come and get me!
498
00:23:34,344 --> 00:23:35,679
With pleasure.
499
00:23:39,249 --> 00:23:41,943
Help!
500
00:23:42,112 --> 00:23:43,987
Somebody help!
501
00:23:44,189 --> 00:23:47,018
Please, somebody help!
502
00:23:47,717 --> 00:23:49,255
Bitch!
503
00:23:49,424 --> 00:23:50,718
This the break room.
504
00:23:50,887 --> 00:23:51,729
Mm-hmm.
505
00:23:51,898 --> 00:23:52,930
We on break.
506
00:23:53,099 --> 00:23:54,555
Oh, God. Preach.
507
00:24:01,038 --> 00:24:02,600
Take that!
508
00:24:02,769 --> 00:24:04,532
Oof!
509
00:24:06,176 --> 00:24:07,540
Please, save me!
510
00:24:07,709 --> 00:24:10,276
I've been saving people all day!
511
00:24:10,445 --> 00:24:12,147
So you handle yours.
512
00:24:12,316 --> 00:24:13,977
I'll be right over here
513
00:24:14,146 --> 00:24:17,077
eating my falafel and my pork rinds.
514
00:24:17,246 --> 00:24:19,116
I look like your mama?
515
00:24:20,955 --> 00:24:23,824
Try me now! Break's over.
516
00:24:30,333 --> 00:24:31,667
You're welcome.
517
00:24:34,633 --> 00:24:37,798
It really looks like you got hit with something hard. Like metal.
518
00:24:37,967 --> 00:24:40,271
I told you, I fell.
519
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:44,273
Now where exactly are we going? To talk to an expert.
520
00:24:56,160 --> 00:24:57,360
Go away!
521
00:24:57,529 --> 00:24:59,155
I'm so sorry to bother you. We just--
522
00:24:59,324 --> 00:25:00,694
We just want to ask you a few questions.
523
00:25:00,863 --> 00:25:02,461
Give me one good reason
524
00:25:02,630 --> 00:25:03,932
why I should talk to you.
525
00:25:04,101 --> 00:25:05,201
I'm white.
526
00:25:05,403 --> 00:25:06,970
How white? Oh, I'm talking
527
00:25:07,139 --> 00:25:08,605
Candace Owens white.
528
00:25:09,735 --> 00:25:11,298
Oh. Six feet.
529
00:25:11,467 --> 00:25:12,639
When you said expert, I assumed you meant
530
00:25:12,807 --> 00:25:13,977
more like Neil deGrasse Tyson or--
531
00:25:14,146 --> 00:25:15,044
Shut up.
532
00:25:15,213 --> 00:25:16,647
I'm Sara Campbell.
533
00:25:16,816 --> 00:25:19,145
I was attacked last night. I think you should leave.
534
00:25:19,314 --> 00:25:21,813
I don't want to get stabbed. And I don't want Covid, okay?
535
00:25:21,981 --> 00:25:23,344
Please, come on. Just-- Let's go.
536
00:25:23,513 --> 00:25:24,546
Just two minutes, that's all I'm asking.
537
00:25:24,749 --> 00:25:25,947
No. No.
538
00:25:26,116 --> 00:25:27,481
I'll give you eight minutes.
539
00:25:29,227 --> 00:25:30,493
And another thing.
540
00:25:30,662 --> 00:25:33,055
I got to test you for Covid.
541
00:25:34,823 --> 00:25:36,129
Ohh!
542
00:25:36,298 --> 00:25:37,330
Ahh...
543
00:25:37,499 --> 00:25:38,966
You guys are good.
544
00:25:39,135 --> 00:25:40,868
When did the work week become the "woke week"?
545
00:25:41,037 --> 00:25:44,033
We've got Black Friday. What's next, Mulatto Monday?
546
00:25:44,202 --> 00:25:45,772
I mean, Yellow Thursday?
547
00:25:45,975 --> 00:25:48,340
Tan Tuesday? Come on.
548
00:25:50,846 --> 00:25:52,213
Let me get this out of your way.
549
00:25:52,382 --> 00:25:53,749
Oh! Sorry.
550
00:25:54,549 --> 00:25:55,547
Oh!
551
00:25:55,715 --> 00:25:57,148
Covid tests are done.
552
00:25:57,948 --> 00:25:59,252
Yup! You're good.
553
00:26:01,427 --> 00:26:02,783
You're Cindy's daughter, right?
554
00:26:02,985 --> 00:26:04,518
Yeah. Yeah.
555
00:26:04,687 --> 00:26:08,196
I don't know him. This is Jack. My love interest.
556
00:26:08,364 --> 00:26:09,733
No! No, no, no.
557
00:26:09,901 --> 00:26:13,061
Rule Number One of surviving a horror movie is,
558
00:26:13,230 --> 00:26:15,367
"Never trust the love interest."
559
00:26:15,536 --> 00:26:16,869
Look at him!
560
00:26:17,038 --> 00:26:20,610
He's got that weird lazy eye, poking one way
561
00:26:20,779 --> 00:26:23,839
and then he's drooling like a psychopath.
562
00:26:24,008 --> 00:26:25,745
He's got that stump leg.
563
00:26:25,914 --> 00:26:28,243
Makes him all walk weird and creepy.
564
00:26:28,412 --> 00:26:31,121
I don't have a stump. Well, that guy does.
565
00:26:31,289 --> 00:26:34,489
Oh I'm looking at me.
566
00:26:34,691 --> 00:26:37,925
Special Officer Doofy. Retired.
567
00:26:38,094 --> 00:26:41,090
Listen, Doofy, we could really use your help.
568
00:26:41,258 --> 00:26:43,292
No. I can't go back to that life.
569
00:26:43,494 --> 00:26:45,896
Plus, we're in the middle of a global pandemic!
570
00:26:46,065 --> 00:26:47,328
Okay, I hate to break it to you,
571
00:26:47,530 --> 00:26:50,073
but Covid has been over for, like, years.
572
00:26:50,241 --> 00:26:52,132
Hmm. Really?
573
00:26:52,301 --> 00:26:53,534
Yeah. Yeah.
574
00:26:56,114 --> 00:26:57,571
Damn it!
575
00:26:57,740 --> 00:27:00,442
What am I gonna do with all this canned meat?
576
00:27:01,985 --> 00:27:04,747
Get out! I don't want Ghostface to find me.
577
00:27:04,916 --> 00:27:06,184
And don't come back!
578
00:27:18,965 --> 00:27:20,367
It's the sound of the police.
579
00:27:25,711 --> 00:27:29,076
Special Officer Doofy, reporting for duty.
580
00:27:29,245 --> 00:27:31,840
Okay, just because he showered doesn't mean that--
581
00:27:32,009 --> 00:27:33,142
No, I didn't shower.
582
00:27:33,311 --> 00:27:35,650
I just take water from my mouth and--
583
00:27:35,819 --> 00:27:37,685
You want some? Okay. No, that's okay.
584
00:27:37,853 --> 00:27:40,120
Come on, Doofy. Yeah, let's do it.
585
00:27:40,288 --> 00:27:41,955
Sara, is your ghetto-ass mom coming
586
00:27:42,124 --> 00:27:43,457
or can we start talking about this plot?
587
00:27:43,625 --> 00:27:45,454
Uh...
588
00:27:47,527 --> 00:27:48,723
Hi.
589
00:27:48,925 --> 00:27:50,058
You came.
590
00:27:50,261 --> 00:27:51,994
Not in, like, 15 years, honey.
591
00:27:52,163 --> 00:27:54,629
But I did buy this new rose,
592
00:27:54,797 --> 00:27:56,432
so fingers crossed.
593
00:28:00,068 --> 00:28:01,372
Oh.
594
00:28:01,574 --> 00:28:02,772
Oh!
595
00:28:02,941 --> 00:28:05,040
Oh, my old friend!
596
00:28:05,209 --> 00:28:07,549
You taught me how to dance.
597
00:28:07,718 --> 00:28:10,311
How to make a high N-word pie.
598
00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:12,681
Nigga, I'm right in back of you.
599
00:28:12,850 --> 00:28:13,618
Shorty!
600
00:28:13,787 --> 00:28:15,016
What's up, Cindy?
601
00:28:15,185 --> 00:28:17,218
How you doing? My nigga.
602
00:28:17,420 --> 00:28:19,525
Shit, son!
603
00:28:21,129 --> 00:28:22,830
I can't believe you thought I was dead.
604
00:28:22,999 --> 00:28:25,601
Well, between cancer from the weed smoke
605
00:28:25,803 --> 00:28:28,064
your love of the McRib and racist cops,
606
00:28:28,266 --> 00:28:29,639
I didn't think you had a chance.
607
00:28:29,808 --> 00:28:31,808
Yeah, that's a terrible combination.
608
00:28:32,610 --> 00:28:34,737
Hi, Cin. Stop smiling at me!
609
00:28:37,678 --> 00:28:39,105
Shit! WorldStar!
610
00:28:39,307 --> 00:28:41,210
WorldStar! WorldStar!
611
00:28:41,378 --> 00:28:43,686
Hey, he's intellectually disabled!
612
00:28:43,855 --> 00:28:45,717
That's just how he looks, you drunk honky.
613
00:28:45,886 --> 00:28:47,051
Hey, hey, hey!
614
00:28:47,220 --> 00:28:48,687
Don't call that white bitch a honky.
615
00:28:48,856 --> 00:28:50,022
C'mon, have some respect.
616
00:28:50,191 --> 00:28:52,889
I keep seeing people smiling everywhere.
617
00:28:53,057 --> 00:28:54,421
I'm not very likable,
618
00:28:54,589 --> 00:28:56,600
so it must be some kind of curse.
619
00:28:56,769 --> 00:28:58,498
Hey, everybody! She's high.
620
00:28:58,666 --> 00:28:59,863
Look what I got.
621
00:29:00,032 --> 00:29:01,704
Non-branded gelatin shots
622
00:29:01,873 --> 00:29:04,100
made with grain alcohol and ghb.
623
00:29:04,302 --> 00:29:05,465
So ain't nobody sipping nothing
624
00:29:05,667 --> 00:29:07,102
they didn't consent to like last time,
625
00:29:07,271 --> 00:29:08,302
which I apologize. Mm-hmm.
626
00:29:08,504 --> 00:29:10,079
Take one. I love roofying myself.
627
00:29:11,441 --> 00:29:12,147
No, Ma. No, Mama. You sure, baby?
628
00:29:12,350 --> 00:29:13,574
Hi, Brenda.
629
00:29:13,743 --> 00:29:15,582
Please do not call me by my government name.
630
00:29:15,751 --> 00:29:17,513
Call me Ma.
631
00:29:18,553 --> 00:29:19,354
Cindy!
632
00:29:19,523 --> 00:29:20,857
Oh, my God!
633
00:29:21,855 --> 00:29:22,720
You dropped the tray.
634
00:29:22,889 --> 00:29:24,090
Oh, my God, Cindy,
635
00:29:24,259 --> 00:29:26,058
I haven't seen you in forever!
636
00:29:26,227 --> 00:29:28,859
My God, look at you! You look the same!
637
00:29:29,027 --> 00:29:30,399
Minus the crow's feet.
638
00:29:30,568 --> 00:29:32,635
And your hair is so dry.
639
00:29:32,837 --> 00:29:35,638
Oh, and your titties dropped so far.
640
00:29:35,841 --> 00:29:38,506
Other than that, you look the exact same.
641
00:29:38,708 --> 00:29:40,401
What have you been up to?
642
00:29:40,570 --> 00:29:42,605
Oh, you know, neglecting my children
643
00:29:42,774 --> 00:29:45,975
so I can prepare to kill Ghostface should he ever return.
644
00:29:46,178 --> 00:29:47,611
What about you?
645
00:29:47,780 --> 00:29:49,817
Well, I been mostly just getting high school kids drunk
646
00:29:50,019 --> 00:29:51,387
in a desperate attempt to stay young
647
00:29:51,556 --> 00:29:52,688
and keep my kids at home.
648
00:29:52,890 --> 00:29:54,291
I always knew you'd be a great mom.
649
00:29:54,459 --> 00:29:55,658
Oh, Cindy!
650
00:29:55,827 --> 00:29:58,026
Should we hug? Oh, I really want to,
651
00:29:58,228 --> 00:30:01,295
but I'm a Republican now so I'm supposed to be racist.
652
00:30:01,464 --> 00:30:03,926
Oh, girl, I think all white people are racist anyway.
653
00:30:04,095 --> 00:30:05,234
Come here. Okay.
654
00:30:05,403 --> 00:30:07,134
Mm! Oh!
655
00:30:07,302 --> 00:30:10,135
You want a shot? Yeah? Here. Oh, yes, yes, please.
656
00:30:10,304 --> 00:30:12,470
You know, Ma, this place could be so cool
657
00:30:12,639 --> 00:30:15,105
if you had, like, a-a beer pong table over there,
658
00:30:15,274 --> 00:30:16,571
and maybe, like, a snack wall.
659
00:30:16,740 --> 00:30:18,243
What you know about cool? When I was your age,
660
00:30:18,412 --> 00:30:20,678
I was popping bottles with Puffy, Puff Daddy,
661
00:30:20,880 --> 00:30:22,111
P. Diddy, Diddy.
662
00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:23,845
All the Seans.
663
00:30:24,014 --> 00:30:26,520
That didn't age well. Your momma was the freak
664
00:30:26,689 --> 00:30:27,622
in the freak-offs.
665
00:30:27,791 --> 00:30:29,284
Shit, son!
666
00:30:29,453 --> 00:30:30,694
You want to see something cool?
667
00:30:30,863 --> 00:30:33,428
I'ma show you something cool.
668
00:30:40,263 --> 00:30:41,403
God, that's cool.
669
00:30:41,605 --> 00:30:42,566
What are you doing?
670
00:30:42,769 --> 00:30:43,504
What?
671
00:30:43,673 --> 00:30:44,639
No, not like that.
672
00:30:44,808 --> 00:30:45,739
Like this.
673
00:30:45,942 --> 00:30:47,337
Oh, yeah.
674
00:30:47,506 --> 00:30:49,974
I don't know why y'all acting so scared.
675
00:30:50,143 --> 00:30:51,215
The gun ain't even loaded.
676
00:30:51,417 --> 00:30:52,645
Shit!
677
00:30:52,814 --> 00:30:54,918
Oh, shit, son!
678
00:30:55,718 --> 00:30:57,252
Uh-oh. I did it again.
679
00:31:00,652 --> 00:31:02,315
I always forget that last one in the chamber.
680
00:31:02,484 --> 00:31:03,392
Help me move this body.
681
00:31:03,594 --> 00:31:04,524
Yeah, you got it.
682
00:31:04,693 --> 00:31:06,057
That was fun.
683
00:31:06,259 --> 00:31:07,621
Oh, so, what are you doing
684
00:31:07,790 --> 00:31:09,993
after this? I want to go to Cabo.
685
00:31:10,162 --> 00:31:11,696
Oh, I love Cabo!
686
00:31:11,865 --> 00:31:13,667
You know what?
687
00:31:13,836 --> 00:31:15,939
I used to put cocaine up my hoo-hah and travel there all the time.
688
00:31:16,141 --> 00:31:18,535
Well, that's because you're so smart. Yeah.
689
00:31:24,007 --> 00:31:24,915
Oh.
690
00:31:26,643 --> 00:31:29,411
All right. Let's get back to the plot.
691
00:31:29,580 --> 00:31:31,247
I'm looking at you, Ted Bundy eyes.
692
00:31:31,416 --> 00:31:32,588
Looking like a school shooter.
693
00:31:32,757 --> 00:31:33,688
I think you the killer.
694
00:31:33,857 --> 00:31:35,022
Oh, me? Mm-hmm.
695
00:31:35,191 --> 00:31:36,916
Okay, what about Deputy Doofy over there?
696
00:31:37,118 --> 00:31:40,225
I-I don't have a motive. You know, what's my motive?
697
00:31:40,394 --> 00:31:42,030
You were the killer in the first movie.
698
00:31:42,199 --> 00:31:44,628
Shouldn't you be locked up? No, I got pardoned.
699
00:31:44,831 --> 00:31:47,799
Mostly because of the storming the Capitol, you know.
700
00:31:48,001 --> 00:31:49,872
Oh. I got proof.
701
00:31:50,041 --> 00:31:52,441
This is me. And it's framed. Oh.
702
00:31:52,643 --> 00:31:53,739
That's a cool hat.
703
00:31:53,907 --> 00:31:55,572
What about Jess?
704
00:31:56,371 --> 00:31:57,304
What about me?
705
00:31:57,506 --> 00:31:58,705
If anybody here has issues
706
00:31:58,874 --> 00:31:59,943
that could lead to murder...
707
00:32:00,112 --> 00:32:01,618
Okay, I get it!
708
00:32:01,787 --> 00:32:03,652
Trans-shaming is not cool, okay?
709
00:32:03,855 --> 00:32:05,779
They-- He's just a dude. Yeah.
710
00:32:05,981 --> 00:32:08,749
Minus the upper body strength and the dick part.
711
00:32:08,918 --> 00:32:10,954
Hey, you don't know what I got down here, okay?
712
00:32:11,156 --> 00:32:12,990
I do. Hey, hey.
713
00:32:13,193 --> 00:32:14,928
Listen, what we know so far
714
00:32:15,097 --> 00:32:16,590
is everyone who's been attacked
715
00:32:16,759 --> 00:32:19,227
is related to the original characters.
716
00:32:19,396 --> 00:32:20,527
He wants to kill the kids.
717
00:32:20,696 --> 00:32:24,465
Aha! He's making a rebootequel.
718
00:32:24,667 --> 00:32:26,134
A what now? Yeah. It's like,
719
00:32:26,336 --> 00:32:27,571
a reboot and a sequel.
720
00:32:27,740 --> 00:32:29,846
Mixes legacy characters with new characters
721
00:32:30,048 --> 00:32:32,816
in an attempt to feed into bullshit nostalgia
722
00:32:32,985 --> 00:32:34,778
and bring more fans to the theaters.
723
00:32:34,947 --> 00:32:36,748
Just like last year's I Know What You Did Last Summer.
724
00:32:38,684 --> 00:32:41,156
That's a movie? What did I do last summer?
725
00:32:41,358 --> 00:32:43,460
I think you're talking about The Summer I Turned Pretty.
726
00:32:43,628 --> 00:32:44,959
Yeah. Ray,
727
00:32:45,128 --> 00:32:46,956
when did you get here? Oh, I been here.
728
00:32:47,125 --> 00:32:48,926
I was just hanging out by the men's room.
729
00:32:49,094 --> 00:32:50,159
Oh. My room?
730
00:32:50,328 --> 00:32:52,059
Okay, so that means
731
00:32:52,228 --> 00:32:55,333
that our killer is writing his own version of Horror Movie.
732
00:32:55,536 --> 00:32:59,101
Okay, so according to the re-booty-call rules,
733
00:32:59,270 --> 00:33:00,300
who's the killer?
734
00:33:01,670 --> 00:33:03,541
I think it's pretty obvious.
735
00:33:06,274 --> 00:33:07,417
Who?
736
00:33:07,586 --> 00:33:09,475
You, bitch. Me?
737
00:33:09,644 --> 00:33:11,483
Guys, I am not the killer.
738
00:33:11,652 --> 00:33:14,617
Ghostface attacked Tues to lure me back here.
739
00:33:14,786 --> 00:33:17,957
I think he attacked Tuesday to get you back here
740
00:33:18,126 --> 00:33:19,991
so he could get me back here.
741
00:33:20,160 --> 00:33:22,222
He wants to kill the OGs.
742
00:33:22,424 --> 00:33:23,632
That was a flex.
743
00:33:23,801 --> 00:33:24,863
Yeah, that sounds better.
744
00:33:25,065 --> 00:33:26,495
Aw, fuck this!
745
00:33:26,664 --> 00:33:29,472
And fuck you, Mother!
746
00:33:29,641 --> 00:33:31,004
To your mother?
747
00:33:31,173 --> 00:33:34,575
Hey! Don't be so disrespectful!
748
00:33:34,777 --> 00:33:36,070
And call me Mom!
749
00:33:36,272 --> 00:33:37,373
Or Mommy.
750
00:33:37,542 --> 00:33:39,775
Or whatever's more comfortable.
751
00:33:41,614 --> 00:33:42,849
All units, be advised:
752
00:33:43,018 --> 00:33:44,444
Suspect is still at large.
753
00:33:44,613 --> 00:33:46,020
Black cloak, white mask...
754
00:33:46,188 --> 00:33:47,653
...big-ass knife.
755
00:34:00,435 --> 00:34:03,198
Talk to me. Hello, Sheriff.
756
00:34:03,366 --> 00:34:04,665
Agent Underwood?
757
00:34:04,834 --> 00:34:06,503
I'll give you one hint.
758
00:34:06,672 --> 00:34:09,043
What's your favorite scary movie?
759
00:34:09,212 --> 00:34:11,071
Well, I'm gonna go with Saltburn.
760
00:34:11,273 --> 00:34:14,009
I mean, the member on that English guy was terrifying.
761
00:34:14,178 --> 00:34:17,245
Ken Jeong's junk in The Hangover was a much better depiction
762
00:34:17,414 --> 00:34:19,184
of the male anatomy.
763
00:34:19,353 --> 00:34:20,848
Now what do you want, fuckface?
764
00:34:21,017 --> 00:34:22,419
Well, I'm just calling to tell you
765
00:34:22,587 --> 00:34:24,191
that by the time you get home,
766
00:34:24,360 --> 00:34:26,459
I'll have gutted your baby girl!
767
00:34:27,227 --> 00:34:30,092
Hey, asshole, she's a boy!
768
00:34:39,203 --> 00:34:40,176
Jess!
769
00:34:55,454 --> 00:34:56,951
Looking for this?
770
00:34:58,190 --> 00:34:59,963
Let me help you.
771
00:35:00,132 --> 00:35:04,200
I got your baby dick. Winky, winky, winky.
772
00:35:13,375 --> 00:35:15,272
All right. Here we go.
773
00:35:15,441 --> 00:35:17,046
What do you want, fuckface?
774
00:35:17,215 --> 00:35:20,449
Well, like father, like, uh, son?
775
00:35:20,618 --> 00:35:22,185
Uh--
776
00:35:22,387 --> 00:35:23,746
I understand you're home alone.
777
00:35:23,915 --> 00:35:27,121
Well, Dad's out, but the pool guy, the gardener
778
00:35:27,290 --> 00:35:30,125
and the plumber are all here, asshole.
779
00:35:30,294 --> 00:35:31,788
Look out your window.
780
00:35:36,732 --> 00:35:39,432
No! But they're the backbone of the American workforce!
781
00:35:39,601 --> 00:35:41,971
And I'm too white to do those jobs.
782
00:35:42,140 --> 00:35:43,673
Let's cut to the chase.
783
00:35:43,875 --> 00:35:45,800
I'll ask you one question.
784
00:35:45,969 --> 00:35:48,738
If you answer correctly, you live.
785
00:35:48,907 --> 00:35:52,478
Who was the killer in Horror Movie?
786
00:35:52,647 --> 00:35:55,710
Oh, that's easy. It was Bobby and then Gay Ray
787
00:35:55,912 --> 00:35:57,711
the guy who was totally into dudes,
788
00:35:57,913 --> 00:35:59,018
even though he claimed he wasn't.
789
00:35:59,187 --> 00:36:01,119
Classic 2000s homophobia.
790
00:36:01,287 --> 00:36:02,720
But I got you, bitch.
791
00:36:02,922 --> 00:36:05,653
Wrong! You forgot Special Officer Doofy.
792
00:36:05,822 --> 00:36:08,528
Now you die.
793
00:36:16,135 --> 00:36:17,805
Bumbaclot!
794
00:36:19,511 --> 00:36:21,101
You should probably answer that.
795
00:36:21,270 --> 00:36:24,739
I can literally see you trying to steal my package.
796
00:36:24,941 --> 00:36:27,307
Oh, shit!
797
00:36:28,677 --> 00:36:30,080
Ah, that was easy.
798
00:36:32,851 --> 00:36:34,690
Uh, someone order steaks?
799
00:36:34,859 --> 00:36:36,725
It's GoPuff. Hmm.
800
00:36:38,789 --> 00:36:40,788
Wait a sec. Careful.
801
00:36:40,957 --> 00:36:42,966
You wouldn't want to let in a killer.
802
00:36:43,134 --> 00:36:47,501
You are about to identify as dead.
803
00:36:50,367 --> 00:36:51,533
You...
804
00:36:51,702 --> 00:36:54,170
stab like-- a girl.
805
00:37:01,847 --> 00:37:04,219
Come on, girl, hit that Ghostface Shuffle.
806
00:37:04,388 --> 00:37:06,749
Try the Ghostface Killah Collection Bundle.
807
00:37:06,918 --> 00:37:09,322
This is Keke West for OnlyFans Rapid News.
808
00:37:09,491 --> 00:37:11,026
"Rapid News". You mean "Vapid News".
809
00:37:11,195 --> 00:37:13,196
You don't even have a cameraman!
810
00:37:13,365 --> 00:37:14,561
My equipment!
811
00:37:15,964 --> 00:37:17,157
Excuse me.
812
00:37:18,968 --> 00:37:19,997
Oh, my. You're--
813
00:37:20,166 --> 00:37:21,430
Yes, yes.
814
00:37:21,632 --> 00:37:23,065
Three-time Emmy nominee
815
00:37:23,234 --> 00:37:25,735
for Outstanding Achievement in Sensational Reporting.
816
00:37:25,904 --> 00:37:27,801
I was gonna say the lady from Friends,
817
00:37:28,003 --> 00:37:30,211
but shorter and with less Botox.
818
00:37:30,380 --> 00:37:31,540
Oh. Is that what you were
819
00:37:31,709 --> 00:37:33,082
"gonna say"? Yeah.
820
00:37:33,250 --> 00:37:34,645
You seriously don't know who I am?
821
00:37:34,847 --> 00:37:37,079
Babygirl, I am Gail-- Gail swallows!
822
00:37:37,248 --> 00:37:38,215
Hey.
823
00:37:38,384 --> 00:37:39,483
Hailstorm. Gail--
824
00:37:39,685 --> 00:37:41,790
Get the hell out of my way! Oh.
825
00:37:46,095 --> 00:37:49,458
Doofus. Hey, Gail.
826
00:37:49,661 --> 00:37:51,896
Wow. You haven't aged a day.
827
00:37:52,065 --> 00:37:55,070
You've aged like a million days. That's this many. Five--
828
00:37:55,239 --> 00:37:56,800
Your fingers smell like genitals.
829
00:37:56,969 --> 00:37:58,971
What are you doing in that ridiculous uniform?
830
00:37:59,140 --> 00:38:02,611
Uh, I-I'm back on the case. Yeah, I'm gonna bust Ghostface.
831
00:38:02,780 --> 00:38:04,004
Well, um,
832
00:38:04,207 --> 00:38:06,442
tell me, Special Needs Officer Doofy...
833
00:38:06,610 --> 00:38:08,346
Um.
834
00:38:08,548 --> 00:38:09,946
Wow. Are there any suspects
835
00:38:10,115 --> 00:38:12,712
in this tragic yet completely predictable incident?
836
00:38:12,881 --> 00:38:14,322
I-I'm not allowed to say.
837
00:38:14,525 --> 00:38:16,649
No, no, okay, no. Yes, you can. Yes, you can.
838
00:38:16,851 --> 00:38:18,455
Not-- Yeah--
839
00:38:18,624 --> 00:38:19,589
You can tell me.
840
00:38:19,758 --> 00:38:20,930
Um, ah, oh, my God.
841
00:38:21,099 --> 00:38:22,157
What the f--
842
00:38:22,359 --> 00:38:23,727
Hey!
843
00:38:23,896 --> 00:38:25,627
Remember when you used to give blowjobs
844
00:38:25,796 --> 00:38:27,602
for sensitive information?
845
00:38:27,771 --> 00:38:31,102
I don't give blowjobs anymore, okay? Not since MeToo.
846
00:38:31,271 --> 00:38:32,639
Okay. Sorry.
847
00:38:32,807 --> 00:38:35,169
I give handjobs now, but the story better be good.
848
00:38:35,337 --> 00:38:38,678
Okay, I'll do a handjob. Let's do it. Let's do it.
849
00:38:49,585 --> 00:38:50,657
What the--
850
00:39:00,000 --> 00:39:01,233
I'm gonna get you. Uncle Ray-Ray's gonna get you!
851
00:39:01,435 --> 00:39:02,904
Ray? You got my outfit,
852
00:39:03,106 --> 00:39:04,231
you little critter.
853
00:39:07,641 --> 00:39:09,676
Maybe weed shouldn't be legal.
854
00:39:12,445 --> 00:39:13,977
Fuck yeah, it should!
855
00:39:24,260 --> 00:39:26,052
Hello, Shorty.
856
00:39:26,255 --> 00:39:29,726
You do know that smoking is bad for you.
857
00:39:29,894 --> 00:39:31,396
Actually, weed ain't bad for you.
858
00:39:31,565 --> 00:39:34,495
You got Vitamin T, C and H,
859
00:39:34,664 --> 00:39:36,601
C, B and D.
860
00:39:36,803 --> 00:39:38,237
What's the matter, Shorty?
861
00:39:38,406 --> 00:39:41,233
You look a little antsy.
862
00:39:41,402 --> 00:39:44,804
Maybe because there's a masked serial killer
863
00:39:44,973 --> 00:39:46,182
sipping tea in my den.
864
00:39:46,350 --> 00:39:48,017
Shorty, you're my nigga.
865
00:39:48,186 --> 00:39:50,686
I mean, friend. Please, sit.
866
00:39:50,855 --> 00:39:52,048
All right.
867
00:39:55,316 --> 00:39:57,083
Do you want to quit smoking?
868
00:39:57,285 --> 00:39:59,419
Well, to be honest, I tried to quit.
869
00:39:59,621 --> 00:40:02,861
But my mother said, "I ain't raisin' no quitters."
870
00:40:03,595 --> 00:40:04,794
So I quit quitting.
871
00:40:04,997 --> 00:40:07,096
We could try hypnosis.
872
00:40:07,264 --> 00:40:09,029
Bro, I don't care how many pocket watches
873
00:40:09,198 --> 00:40:11,031
you try and wave in front of my face
874
00:40:11,200 --> 00:40:12,770
it ain't gonna work, son.
875
00:40:12,939 --> 00:40:15,542
You can't magmetize me. Sleep.
876
00:40:18,509 --> 00:40:20,376
Shorty.
877
00:40:20,545 --> 00:40:22,411
Hmm?
878
00:40:22,580 --> 00:40:23,879
What's up?
879
00:40:24,048 --> 00:40:26,383
Tell me about your mother.
880
00:40:28,025 --> 00:40:29,259
Damn, nigga.
881
00:40:29,428 --> 00:40:30,950
Let's start with something light, like:
882
00:40:31,119 --> 00:40:33,060
"Do you lick ass, yes or no?"
883
00:40:33,229 --> 00:40:35,056
The answer's yes.
884
00:40:35,225 --> 00:40:37,766
So what happened to her, Shorty?
885
00:40:40,599 --> 00:40:42,395
She was coming home.
886
00:40:43,431 --> 00:40:45,468
Her car was parked to the side of the road.
887
00:40:45,637 --> 00:40:47,576
Someone was in it.
888
00:40:48,446 --> 00:40:49,973
And something bad was happening.
889
00:40:54,375 --> 00:40:55,917
Why didn't you call anyone?
890
00:40:56,086 --> 00:40:56,919
I couldn't.
891
00:40:57,088 --> 00:40:58,450
I had warrants.
892
00:40:58,619 --> 00:41:00,089
You were 11.
893
00:41:00,258 --> 00:41:02,085
I started young, nigga.
894
00:41:03,225 --> 00:41:04,120
Oh.
895
00:41:04,721 --> 00:41:06,529
What do you see?
896
00:41:11,393 --> 00:41:14,262
I see a big explosion of water.
897
00:41:16,068 --> 00:41:17,672
It was like a Civil Rights hose.
898
00:41:22,073 --> 00:41:24,173
Police said it was a murder/suicide.
899
00:41:25,380 --> 00:41:26,914
She killed that man.
900
00:41:27,083 --> 00:41:30,685
When they opened the car door, his limp body just slid out.
901
00:41:34,020 --> 00:41:36,853
Like the green nigga in Shape of Water.
902
00:41:37,021 --> 00:41:38,660
I just didn't want it to be real.
903
00:41:38,828 --> 00:41:40,959
What don't you want to be real?
904
00:41:41,993 --> 00:41:43,992
That my mother was a squirter!
905
00:41:44,160 --> 00:41:46,468
Okay! She was a squirter.
906
00:41:46,637 --> 00:41:48,965
All the floors in her bedroom was warped.
907
00:41:49,134 --> 00:41:52,172
I can't move. You're paralyzed.
908
00:41:52,341 --> 00:41:54,102
Now...
909
00:41:54,271 --> 00:41:56,342
...sink into the chair. Wait, no.
910
00:41:56,511 --> 00:41:57,606
Wait. Sink!
911
00:42:03,449 --> 00:42:06,050
Nigga!
912
00:42:14,391 --> 00:42:18,832
I'm in a K-hole, son!
913
00:42:20,263 --> 00:42:23,837
No, you're in a K-pop hole.
914
00:42:37,155 --> 00:42:39,050
Oh, shit, son!
915
00:42:45,052 --> 00:42:46,222
Nigga, I'm numb.
916
00:42:49,995 --> 00:42:51,898
That's what they do in the hood.
917
00:43:00,970 --> 00:43:02,502
Luke Skywalker!
918
00:43:30,034 --> 00:43:31,733
That's some good shit, son.
919
00:43:33,508 --> 00:43:34,969
That dream was wild.
920
00:43:35,172 --> 00:43:37,079
I must've been Elon Musk high.
921
00:43:51,427 --> 00:43:52,629
Tuesday?
922
00:43:53,229 --> 00:43:54,455
Tuesday?
923
00:43:57,629 --> 00:43:58,833
Bobby?
924
00:44:01,063 --> 00:44:02,903
Bobby, what the...?
925
00:44:04,241 --> 00:44:05,998
She's gonna die.
926
00:44:06,200 --> 00:44:07,572
Our daughter, Sara?
927
00:44:07,740 --> 00:44:09,372
You're probably right.
928
00:44:09,575 --> 00:44:11,641
She's tough, but let's see her get stabbed in the gut.
929
00:44:11,810 --> 00:44:13,172
I'm gonna die.
930
00:44:13,341 --> 00:44:15,484
Bobby, you're already dead.
931
00:44:15,653 --> 00:44:17,278
This hallucination is a manifestation
932
00:44:17,447 --> 00:44:19,479
of my own guilt for being an awful mom.
933
00:44:19,648 --> 00:44:22,120
Or it could be the shrooms I just popped.
934
00:44:23,261 --> 00:44:24,491
You're gonna die.
935
00:44:24,660 --> 00:44:27,763
Bitch, you ain't killing me.
936
00:44:33,403 --> 00:44:34,528
You're gonna die.
937
00:44:35,272 --> 00:44:37,601
Stop smiling!
938
00:44:37,770 --> 00:44:40,142
I can't. Botox.
939
00:44:40,311 --> 00:44:41,644
Hey! Oh.
940
00:44:41,813 --> 00:44:44,672
This is the mental ward. Everyone smiles in here.
941
00:44:44,841 --> 00:44:45,880
What?
942
00:44:46,447 --> 00:44:48,508
How-- Um--
943
00:44:48,677 --> 00:44:50,649
Could you point me in the direction of the ICU?
944
00:44:50,818 --> 00:44:52,321
Is it that way or that way?
945
00:44:52,490 --> 00:44:53,985
Uh, visiting hours are over.
946
00:44:54,154 --> 00:44:56,352
Oh, yes, of course.
947
00:44:57,487 --> 00:44:58,991
The network wants me to clarify
948
00:44:59,160 --> 00:45:01,455
that Black Friday has nothing to do with race.
949
00:45:01,624 --> 00:45:03,563
Well, just tell that to my Black friend Benita
950
00:45:03,765 --> 00:45:05,031
who's probably clocking someone
951
00:45:05,200 --> 00:45:07,027
over the head at Target as we speak!
952
00:45:07,195 --> 00:45:08,133
Right, Benita?
953
00:45:23,682 --> 00:45:25,178
Shamone!
954
00:45:25,347 --> 00:45:26,850
Man, you ain't Michael.
955
00:45:27,019 --> 00:45:28,854
Michael got that Jheri curl.
956
00:45:29,022 --> 00:45:30,817
What is that, son? Is that shellac?
957
00:45:30,986 --> 00:45:33,891
See, people think it's shellac, but it's actually Sharpie.
958
00:45:34,060 --> 00:45:35,525
Boy, your hair looks like fondue.
959
00:45:35,694 --> 00:45:36,895
Indoo-dy.
960
00:45:37,064 --> 00:45:38,768
Michael's got a monkey. I got a llama.
961
00:45:40,667 --> 00:45:42,066
Fuck Michael!
962
00:45:42,235 --> 00:45:44,270
You can't dance, boy. I've been practicing.
963
00:45:44,439 --> 00:45:46,142
Oh! Whoa!
964
00:45:46,344 --> 00:45:47,570
Jeez.
965
00:45:49,006 --> 00:45:50,213
Yeah!
966
00:45:50,381 --> 00:45:51,908
Bong! Ow!
967
00:45:52,077 --> 00:45:54,807
I can moonwalk. Ooh, ooh.
968
00:45:55,009 --> 00:45:56,044
Ooh.
969
00:45:56,213 --> 00:45:57,948
Where is this nigga goin'?
970
00:46:00,049 --> 00:46:00,783
Ow!
971
00:46:00,985 --> 00:46:02,951
Whoo!
972
00:46:03,153 --> 00:46:04,723
"Jermaine".
973
00:46:06,831 --> 00:46:10,195
Coming Juneteenth, only on Tubi.
974
00:46:12,530 --> 00:46:14,469
I'ma bootleg that shit.
975
00:46:16,867 --> 00:46:18,005
Hello?
976
00:46:19,309 --> 00:46:20,238
Fuck this.
977
00:46:25,583 --> 00:46:27,278
I'm gonna miss you all.
978
00:46:32,851 --> 00:46:34,318
Oh, hell no!
979
00:46:34,520 --> 00:46:36,617
Think Black, don't die. Think Black, don't die.
980
00:46:46,799 --> 00:46:47,831
Oh!
981
00:46:47,999 --> 00:46:50,100
Goddamn it! Jack?
982
00:46:50,269 --> 00:46:51,934
Did Sara tell you to come? Um...
983
00:46:52,103 --> 00:46:54,777
Yeah! That's why I'm here.
984
00:46:54,946 --> 00:46:57,977
Not to murder you or anything like that.
985
00:46:58,146 --> 00:46:59,508
Then why are you wearing gloves?
986
00:47:00,474 --> 00:47:02,348
Would you believe I...
987
00:47:02,551 --> 00:47:05,748
am thinking about dressing up as O.J. Simpson for Halloween?
988
00:47:05,917 --> 00:47:07,351
But those fit.
989
00:47:08,215 --> 00:47:09,516
Look out!
990
00:47:09,718 --> 00:47:11,623
Not cool, bro, you almost hit a vein.
991
00:47:11,792 --> 00:47:13,328
I-I mean-- Help!
992
00:47:17,294 --> 00:47:18,362
Oh, yes!
993
00:47:22,339 --> 00:47:23,537
Oh...
994
00:47:27,870 --> 00:47:32,013
Whew. I'm gonna gut you like a pig!
995
00:47:36,580 --> 00:47:40,523
I'm gonna...
996
00:47:40,692 --> 00:47:42,291
What a stupid line.
997
00:47:44,354 --> 00:47:45,818
That is so true!
998
00:47:45,986 --> 00:47:48,726
What are you gonna do? Turn me into bacon?
999
00:47:53,365 --> 00:47:54,703
I got to get better writers.
1000
00:47:54,872 --> 00:47:57,334
I'm laughing so hard, my ribs hurt.
1001
00:47:57,503 --> 00:48:00,705
Wait until I stick my knife in them!
1002
00:48:07,510 --> 00:48:09,681
I'm crying over here.
1003
00:48:09,849 --> 00:48:11,251
I got to go
1004
00:48:11,453 --> 00:48:13,348
before you really kill me. Here I come.
1005
00:48:13,517 --> 00:48:15,982
Oh, God, I might die laughing first!
1006
00:48:17,852 --> 00:48:20,930
Oh. Oh, shit. He's really gonna kill me.
1007
00:48:42,544 --> 00:48:44,679
I want what they're on.
1008
00:48:47,015 --> 00:48:49,554
I'm gonna turn you into bacon, little piggy.
1009
00:48:55,961 --> 00:48:57,631
No, no.
1010
00:48:57,800 --> 00:48:59,463
No.
1011
00:49:01,631 --> 00:49:03,134
I'm sorry. Excuse me. Excuse me.
1012
00:49:03,302 --> 00:49:04,432
I'm so sorry. Out of our way!
1013
00:49:04,601 --> 00:49:06,769
Step aside. Official police business.
1014
00:49:06,938 --> 00:49:07,940
Doofy!
1015
00:49:08,109 --> 00:49:10,541
I like doing that.
1016
00:49:10,710 --> 00:49:11,574
Ooh!
1017
00:49:12,540 --> 00:49:14,642
Smile, you son of a bitch.
1018
00:49:14,844 --> 00:49:17,881
What the f...? My psycho mother said
1019
00:49:18,050 --> 00:49:19,956
always keep a strap.
1020
00:49:21,592 --> 00:49:22,824
Go! Go! Okay.
1021
00:49:22,993 --> 00:49:24,356
I'm gonna go get your love interest.
1022
00:49:24,558 --> 00:49:25,923
I'll get your love interest.
1023
00:49:26,092 --> 00:49:29,190
Ow, the pain, the agony.
1024
00:49:29,393 --> 00:49:31,460
Sara, if I don't make it...
1025
00:49:31,629 --> 00:49:33,968
Seriously, Tues, stop trying to win an Oscar.
1026
00:49:34,137 --> 00:49:36,332
It's a horror movie, it'll never happen.
1027
00:49:36,501 --> 00:49:38,572
Just ask Demi Moore.
1028
00:49:38,740 --> 00:49:41,439
No! No!
1029
00:49:41,607 --> 00:49:43,003
I got him. I got Jack.
1030
00:49:45,445 --> 00:49:47,441
Doofy! What the fuck?
1031
00:49:47,610 --> 00:49:49,447
The fuck? I can't help myself.
1032
00:49:51,988 --> 00:49:54,222
It's just me and you now, Ghosty.
1033
00:49:54,424 --> 00:49:55,354
Hm.
1034
00:49:56,751 --> 00:49:58,619
You got to shoot them in the head.
1035
00:49:58,788 --> 00:50:00,326
Shoot them in the head.
1036
00:50:02,690 --> 00:50:05,133
Oof. Ow.
1037
00:50:08,300 --> 00:50:10,498
Die!
1038
00:50:10,667 --> 00:50:12,340
Die, you little dumb dunce.
1039
00:50:12,509 --> 00:50:13,703
Smell...
1040
00:50:13,906 --> 00:50:14,934
my...
1041
00:50:15,678 --> 00:50:16,804
finger.
1042
00:50:17,681 --> 00:50:18,680
Oh, God!
1043
00:50:18,849 --> 00:50:21,317
What the fuck was that? Ugh.
1044
00:50:21,486 --> 00:50:23,180
My ass.
1045
00:50:23,349 --> 00:50:25,380
Fuck your ass! Pause.
1046
00:50:27,818 --> 00:50:29,320
Oh, God, that's-- that's my ass.
1047
00:50:29,489 --> 00:50:31,987
Oh, God. Any last words?
1048
00:50:32,156 --> 00:50:33,858
I go poopy.
1049
00:50:38,730 --> 00:50:41,293
Oh, hell no. I ain't cleaning up that shit!
1050
00:50:41,462 --> 00:50:43,031
I'm on break.
1051
00:50:43,200 --> 00:50:46,565
Come on, I do the killing, not the cleaning. Ugh.
1052
00:50:46,767 --> 00:50:48,743
What you say? Never mind.
1053
00:50:48,946 --> 00:50:50,337
Yo, what's up, chat?
1054
00:50:50,505 --> 00:50:51,971
This your boy Shorty.
1055
00:50:52,140 --> 00:50:53,576
That's right, it's another Halloween-a-thon.
1056
00:50:53,778 --> 00:50:56,685
And it's another day of me getting paid mad money
1057
00:50:56,854 --> 00:50:59,020
for doing absolutely nothing
1058
00:50:59,189 --> 00:51:00,780
while you stupid motherfuckers watch.
1059
00:51:00,982 --> 00:51:03,455
And they call me dumb!
1060
00:51:03,657 --> 00:51:06,628
I want to give a smooth shout-out to my sponsor:
1061
00:51:06,830 --> 00:51:09,026
Angry Orchard Hard Cider.
1062
00:51:10,493 --> 00:51:12,893
They got mad apples, son.
1063
00:51:16,197 --> 00:51:19,040
We created a slogan! I'm a marketing genius!
1064
00:51:19,209 --> 00:51:21,071
Aight. It wouldn't be a Halloween-a-thon
1065
00:51:21,239 --> 00:51:22,406
without a dope guest.
1066
00:51:22,575 --> 00:51:23,678
He's a legend in the streaming game.
1067
00:51:23,847 --> 00:51:26,773
Give it up for Kai Cenat!
1068
00:51:26,942 --> 00:51:29,212
We gonna break the internet!
1069
00:51:29,381 --> 00:51:31,278
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
1070
00:51:31,447 --> 00:51:33,049
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
1071
00:51:35,418 --> 00:51:36,450
Let's get serious.
1072
00:51:36,619 --> 00:51:38,487
What brings you to the chat?
1073
00:51:38,690 --> 00:51:40,258
You promised I was gonna be in the movie.
1074
00:51:40,427 --> 00:51:43,199
I've been calling you. You ghosted me.
1075
00:51:43,367 --> 00:51:45,964
Bro, I thought that was one of my crazy-ass baby mamas.
1076
00:51:46,167 --> 00:51:47,462
That's-- That's my bad.
1077
00:51:47,664 --> 00:51:49,695
And speaking of ghosted--
1078
00:51:49,864 --> 00:51:51,606
Somebody wants to talk to you.
1079
00:51:51,775 --> 00:51:53,198
Hello?
1080
00:51:53,367 --> 00:51:55,071
What's your favorite scary movie?
1081
00:51:57,110 --> 00:51:58,812
Nah! Oh!
1082
00:51:58,981 --> 00:52:01,315
Oh, whoa, whoa! Ah!
1083
00:52:08,124 --> 00:52:09,855
We breaking the internet, son!
1084
00:52:10,057 --> 00:52:11,124
What's up, my guy?
1085
00:52:11,293 --> 00:52:12,456
You got some Angry Orchard
1086
00:52:12,625 --> 00:52:13,752
Hard Cider in the house? You damn right.
1087
00:52:13,921 --> 00:52:15,496
They got mad apples.
1088
00:52:15,698 --> 00:52:17,092
Oh!
1089
00:52:17,261 --> 00:52:19,998
Wassup?
1090
00:52:23,205 --> 00:52:24,773
We about to do my favorite thing:
1091
00:52:24,942 --> 00:52:28,535
Spin the... wheel!
1092
00:52:28,737 --> 00:52:30,640
Extreme Noodle Game!
1093
00:52:30,809 --> 00:52:32,339
We gonna go back there with these noodles
1094
00:52:32,508 --> 00:52:33,441
and we gonna smack
1095
00:52:33,610 --> 00:52:34,608
the fuck out you!
1096
00:52:34,777 --> 00:52:36,018
Then you gotta guess who did it.
1097
00:52:36,187 --> 00:52:36,783
That doesn't even make sense.
1098
00:52:38,088 --> 00:52:38,781
This is a dumb game.
1099
00:52:40,651 --> 00:52:41,719
Oh!
1100
00:52:41,922 --> 00:52:42,851
Uh...
1101
00:52:43,653 --> 00:52:44,451
Kai. Kai. Man, what?
1102
00:52:44,620 --> 00:52:45,351
Yeah.
1103
00:52:51,629 --> 00:52:53,833
Wait-- No, no, no--
1104
00:52:56,274 --> 00:53:00,301
You just killed Kai Cenat. On the chat.
1105
00:53:01,770 --> 00:53:03,205
We making history, son!
1106
00:53:04,477 --> 00:53:05,577
Money, money, money!
1107
00:53:25,165 --> 00:53:26,565
Oh, thank God.
1108
00:53:30,999 --> 00:53:32,505
It's about time you guys got here!
1109
00:53:33,174 --> 00:53:35,002
Now you're gonna get it.
1110
00:53:35,736 --> 00:53:36,843
Oof!
1111
00:53:38,246 --> 00:53:39,710
Hold still!
1112
00:53:39,878 --> 00:53:41,577
So that's our suspect.
1113
00:53:41,746 --> 00:53:44,244
Goes by the name "Shorthand". Hmm.
1114
00:53:44,413 --> 00:53:48,323
Was the handyman at a house reputed to be haunted in 2001.
1115
00:53:49,459 --> 00:53:50,891
Is there anything you're not telling me?
1116
00:53:51,060 --> 00:53:52,894
That your wife hates you
1117
00:53:53,063 --> 00:53:54,657
you believe the Earth is flat
1118
00:53:54,826 --> 00:53:56,761
and you voted for Trump three times.
1119
00:53:56,964 --> 00:53:59,159
What, I was supposed to vote for the woman?
1120
00:53:59,328 --> 00:54:00,664
Huh?
1121
00:54:00,833 --> 00:54:04,138
I believe Shorthand is the notorious Ghostface.
1122
00:54:05,766 --> 00:54:07,799
What that mouth do?
1123
00:54:08,001 --> 00:54:09,408
Stop resisting!
1124
00:54:09,577 --> 00:54:11,647
He did look pretty sketchy.
1125
00:54:15,385 --> 00:54:17,285
They got the wrong guy.
1126
00:54:17,487 --> 00:54:19,219
And you know that because you're psychic?
1127
00:54:19,387 --> 00:54:21,356
No, says so on the arrest warrant.
1128
00:54:23,820 --> 00:54:25,050
I don't know.
1129
00:54:25,219 --> 00:54:27,355
That guy's Black. Nah, he's kinda...
1130
00:54:27,524 --> 00:54:28,790
not that Black.
1131
00:54:28,992 --> 00:54:30,523
Like gravy brown.
1132
00:54:30,691 --> 00:54:32,094
Ugh!
1133
00:54:32,263 --> 00:54:33,765
Get him!
1134
00:54:33,934 --> 00:54:35,462
Hit him with your strong hand!
1135
00:54:35,631 --> 00:54:37,065
Boom!
1136
00:54:37,234 --> 00:54:39,935
Arrest him anyways. Probably did something, right?
1137
00:54:40,868 --> 00:54:42,476
Turn off your body cams!
1138
00:54:43,245 --> 00:54:45,238
Miss Hailstorm, welcome back.
1139
00:54:45,407 --> 00:54:48,283
Doc, I'm begging you. You got to help me look younger.
1140
00:54:48,452 --> 00:54:49,941
These little bitches are killing me out there.
1141
00:54:50,110 --> 00:54:51,151
They're wearing nothing but a--
1142
00:54:51,353 --> 00:54:53,279
a sausage casing and a ring light.
1143
00:54:53,448 --> 00:54:57,749
Trust me with this withered, decrepit, age-ravaged body,
1144
00:54:57,918 --> 00:54:59,995
and I will make you whole.
1145
00:55:00,197 --> 00:55:01,457
One Middle-Aged White Lady Special
1146
00:55:01,626 --> 00:55:03,129
coming right up. Thanks.
1147
00:55:03,298 --> 00:55:04,429
I'm gonna play a quick video
1148
00:55:04,598 --> 00:55:05,795
on the ins and outs of the procedure,
1149
00:55:05,964 --> 00:55:08,161
and then we'll get started.
1150
00:55:11,905 --> 00:55:14,670
Do you wish you weren't so old and saggy?
1151
00:55:14,839 --> 00:55:17,339
Do you wish you were younger? Sexier?
1152
00:55:17,508 --> 00:55:19,038
Fuckable again?
1153
00:55:19,241 --> 00:55:22,510
One single injection unlocks your DNA,
1154
00:55:22,713 --> 00:55:25,453
creating a new, better you.
1155
00:55:26,154 --> 00:55:28,350
This is The Stuff.
1156
00:55:29,954 --> 00:55:32,084
Doc, this isn't that Gwyneth Paltrow crap
1157
00:55:32,253 --> 00:55:34,187
that makes you smell like her vag, is it?
1158
00:55:38,296 --> 00:55:39,159
I like it.
1159
00:55:55,647 --> 00:55:57,551
Wow, that's a lot of Stuff.
1160
00:55:59,319 --> 00:56:00,554
Oh, a mask on a mask.
1161
00:56:01,256 --> 00:56:02,787
Safety first, right, Doc?
1162
00:56:04,852 --> 00:56:06,826
Oh, no!
1163
00:56:08,165 --> 00:56:09,923
I'm having second thoughts!
1164
00:56:10,126 --> 00:56:12,258
I'm gonna love and accept myself as I am.
1165
00:57:15,758 --> 00:57:17,589
Oops. Wrong movie.
1166
00:57:19,934 --> 00:57:22,262
You were thinking it. But you said it.
1167
00:57:23,471 --> 00:57:25,331
White Chicks 2, my ass.
1168
00:57:33,908 --> 00:57:35,583
Hey, Sara.
1169
00:57:36,713 --> 00:57:38,217
Tuesday, I--
1170
00:57:38,385 --> 00:57:40,252
I tried to visit you.
1171
00:57:40,421 --> 00:57:42,682
I am sorry for everything.
1172
00:57:42,884 --> 00:57:44,655
Especially your name.
1173
00:57:44,824 --> 00:57:47,353
It was Taco Tuesday. I was super drunk.
1174
00:57:47,555 --> 00:57:51,192
But I promise you, I will kill this motherfucker!
1175
00:57:51,394 --> 00:57:52,664
It's fine, really, we're cool. I'm gonna--
1176
00:57:52,833 --> 00:57:54,026
I'll pull the car around. We're good.
1177
00:57:54,228 --> 00:57:55,733
I'm going to take you to the car!
1178
00:57:55,902 --> 00:57:58,229
I got stabbed. I'm not deaf, you dumbass!
1179
00:57:58,398 --> 00:58:00,938
I'm taking Tues away from all of this!
1180
00:58:01,904 --> 00:58:03,105
Oh... Come on, Cindy.
1181
00:58:03,940 --> 00:58:05,979
I tried to run, too, but...
1182
00:58:06,148 --> 00:58:08,507
it follows!
1183
00:58:08,709 --> 00:58:11,312
Now you're probably expecting a flashback to that movie,
1184
00:58:11,480 --> 00:58:13,819
but it's too obscure. Yeah, and the plot is weird.
1185
00:58:13,987 --> 00:58:16,181
You have sex with someone, give them a STD
1186
00:58:16,350 --> 00:58:17,487
and then it haunts them in the form
1187
00:58:17,656 --> 00:58:18,488
of their naked grandma.
1188
00:58:18,657 --> 00:58:20,789
It's like a STD biopic.
1189
00:58:20,958 --> 00:58:22,130
Ugh, the killer is taunting me.
1190
00:58:22,299 --> 00:58:23,691
Why doesn't he just kill us?
1191
00:58:23,860 --> 00:58:25,233
Uh, speak for yourself.
1192
00:58:25,435 --> 00:58:27,128
Like, what are you waiting for?
1193
00:58:27,297 --> 00:58:30,429
Oh, no, no, no, sweetie, sweetie. It's like this.
1194
00:58:31,738 --> 00:58:34,933
What are you waiting for, huh?
1195
00:58:35,102 --> 00:58:42,241
What are you waiting for?
1196
00:58:42,443 --> 00:58:43,975
God, I wish you weren't my mother!
1197
00:58:44,144 --> 00:58:46,755
What are you waiting for?
1198
00:58:48,356 --> 00:58:49,349
Candyman.
1199
00:58:50,224 --> 00:58:51,483
Candyman.
1200
00:58:52,325 --> 00:58:53,991
Candyman.
1201
00:58:54,160 --> 00:58:57,192
You sure about this? Yeah, keep saying it.
1202
00:58:58,331 --> 00:58:59,491
Candyman.
1203
00:59:00,700 --> 00:59:02,669
Candyman!
1204
00:59:19,721 --> 00:59:21,854
So what's up? You got that candy, man?
1205
00:59:22,757 --> 00:59:25,016
I got weed gummies. Yeah.
1206
00:59:25,185 --> 00:59:26,518
K-nuts. Yeah.
1207
00:59:26,686 --> 00:59:28,220
Shroom chocolates. Shit, son!
1208
00:59:28,389 --> 00:59:30,322
And what take you so long to show up?
1209
00:59:30,491 --> 00:59:33,266
Come on, Clarence. I called you five times.
1210
00:59:33,468 --> 00:59:34,898
Nigga, show up in three.
1211
00:59:35,067 --> 00:59:36,863
You ain't even call me on the phone.
1212
00:59:37,032 --> 00:59:38,398
Luckily I was walking by
1213
00:59:38,567 --> 00:59:40,542
and heard y'all through the hole in this wall.
1214
00:59:40,711 --> 00:59:43,273
And fix that shit. You shut your ass up.
1215
00:59:43,475 --> 00:59:45,975
You need to go to a proctologist and get your skin looked at.
1216
00:59:46,177 --> 00:59:49,310
Having acne over the age of 40 is wild work.
1217
00:59:49,512 --> 00:59:51,546
I look better than this nigga. Maybe on this side.
1218
00:59:51,715 --> 00:59:54,148
Hey, ain't no time for beefing. We about to be high as fuck.
1219
00:59:54,350 --> 00:59:56,423
We gonna party, son!
1220
01:00:02,532 --> 01:00:05,057
That's right. Drink up! Hey!
1221
01:00:05,226 --> 01:00:07,926
Hey! I love it. Look at that.
1222
01:00:08,095 --> 01:00:09,401
You're looking good.
1223
01:00:09,569 --> 01:00:10,902
You seen your sister?
1224
01:00:15,504 --> 01:00:17,470
I-I can't find her since she went to that protest.
1225
01:00:18,148 --> 01:00:19,846
No.
1226
01:00:21,081 --> 01:00:24,483
Ray, let me guess. You are Woody from Toy Story!
1227
01:00:24,652 --> 01:00:26,653
Nah, Brenda, that's gay. Oh.
1228
01:00:26,822 --> 01:00:29,647
Jake Gyllenhaal from Brokeback Mountain.
1229
01:00:29,816 --> 01:00:32,892
"I wish I knew how to quit you, but I can't."
1230
01:00:33,758 --> 01:00:35,921
You love that movie!
1231
01:00:36,090 --> 01:00:37,489
Hey, Brenda! Huh?
1232
01:00:37,691 --> 01:00:39,600
Have you seen my big old bag of candy?
1233
01:00:39,769 --> 01:00:42,737
It had chocolates, gummies, lollipops.
1234
01:00:43,405 --> 01:00:44,338
I-It's gone missing.
1235
01:00:44,540 --> 01:00:45,738
No, no, no, it's not missing.
1236
01:00:45,907 --> 01:00:47,673
I passed it out to the trick-or-treaters.
1237
01:00:47,842 --> 01:00:51,036
Brenda, that's my stash!
1238
01:01:01,987 --> 01:01:05,661
I'm so fucking high!
1239
01:01:08,725 --> 01:01:09,694
Whoo-hoo!
1240
01:01:09,896 --> 01:01:12,624
I can't feel my face!
1241
01:01:14,901 --> 01:01:18,806
I'm on that Naruto shit!
1242
01:01:19,675 --> 01:01:23,369
Six-seven! Six-seven!
1243
01:01:48,701 --> 01:01:50,332
Fuck.
1244
01:01:58,206 --> 01:01:59,581
Why is she looking at me?
1245
01:02:02,484 --> 01:02:04,350
A little disturbing.
1246
01:02:04,518 --> 01:02:05,751
I'm here for it.
1247
01:02:09,621 --> 01:02:10,955
Oh. Okay.
1248
01:02:21,533 --> 01:02:23,037
Hey!
1249
01:02:23,206 --> 01:02:26,599
Do you know how many baby seals die from microplastics?
1250
01:02:34,283 --> 01:02:35,140
Shit.
1251
01:02:35,342 --> 01:02:36,909
It's Ghostface!
1252
01:02:41,657 --> 01:02:43,283
Oh, my God! He stabbed her!
1253
01:02:43,485 --> 01:02:46,425
Not "her". My pronouns are "they/them".
1254
01:02:46,594 --> 01:02:48,227
He stabbed "them"!
1255
01:02:48,396 --> 01:02:50,958
I'm over 40. How am I supposed to keep up with all of this?
1256
01:02:51,161 --> 01:02:52,123
She's not wrong.
1257
01:02:52,292 --> 01:02:53,926
It's Karens like you
1258
01:02:54,095 --> 01:02:57,428
that keep the patriarchy going, with their knees on our necks!
1259
01:02:57,597 --> 01:03:00,139
Now you're playing the race card?
1260
01:03:00,307 --> 01:03:02,910
I've had enough of her shit. "Their" shit, bitch!
1261
01:03:05,975 --> 01:03:06,977
And to be clear,
1262
01:03:07,180 --> 01:03:09,716
my real name is Karen!
1263
01:03:09,885 --> 01:03:11,747
Oh, shit. This is too good.
1264
01:03:11,916 --> 01:03:13,447
Ignore the insults.
1265
01:03:13,616 --> 01:03:15,652
"They" don't realize we're here to help "them".
1266
01:03:15,854 --> 01:03:17,383
Toxic masculinity
1267
01:03:17,552 --> 01:03:20,152
and mansplaining doesn't help anybody!
1268
01:03:20,355 --> 01:03:22,088
How is my masculinity toxic?
1269
01:03:22,257 --> 01:03:23,862
I love women and sports.
1270
01:03:24,064 --> 01:03:26,698
Just not together. Come here, bitch.
1271
01:03:26,900 --> 01:03:28,494
My turn!
1272
01:03:28,663 --> 01:03:30,030
Me next! They ain't ready for
1273
01:03:30,232 --> 01:03:31,166
this!
1274
01:03:31,334 --> 01:03:32,298
Let me at them! Me next!
1275
01:03:32,467 --> 01:03:33,264
Fuck your pronouns. Oh, shit.
1276
01:03:33,433 --> 01:03:34,704
Suck knife.
1277
01:03:38,376 --> 01:03:40,045
I blame the manosphere.
1278
01:03:44,820 --> 01:03:46,651
Uncle Shorty. What's up, nephew?
1279
01:03:46,820 --> 01:03:48,417
Can I ask you something?
1280
01:03:48,952 --> 01:03:50,188
Yeah, shoot.
1281
01:03:51,253 --> 01:03:53,119
It's about, y-you know
1282
01:03:53,288 --> 01:03:54,852
how to go down on a girl.
1283
01:03:55,655 --> 01:03:56,727
You talking about eating pussy?
1284
01:03:56,930 --> 01:03:59,497
That's so cringe, but yeah.
1285
01:03:59,666 --> 01:04:02,469
Well, maybe if you stop talking like a 14-year-old white girl
1286
01:04:02,638 --> 01:04:04,130
you could learn something.
1287
01:04:04,299 --> 01:04:05,563
All right, so listen up.
1288
01:04:05,765 --> 01:04:07,139
First thing you got to do, you got to--
1289
01:04:07,307 --> 01:04:08,874
You got to spread them legs. You got to open it up.
1290
01:04:09,042 --> 01:04:10,638
Then you want to use your fingers.
1291
01:04:10,807 --> 01:04:13,609
Sometimes you can use two. Two fingers, like that there.
1292
01:04:13,778 --> 01:04:14,947
Yeah?
1293
01:04:15,116 --> 01:04:16,808
Now, once you get it all in there, now...
1294
01:04:17,621 --> 01:04:18,947
you got to use your tongue.
1295
01:04:19,116 --> 01:04:20,354
You can't be afraid of it.
1296
01:04:23,691 --> 01:04:25,188
Yeah, lean into it.
1297
01:04:25,357 --> 01:04:26,721
Nah, nah, nah, you doing it too fast.
1298
01:04:28,225 --> 01:04:29,490
What are you, a lizard?
1299
01:04:29,659 --> 01:04:31,432
You got to be gentle. You got to talk to it.
1300
01:04:31,635 --> 01:04:33,000
"Hey there, little guy,
1301
01:04:33,168 --> 01:04:34,826
how you doing?" Hey there, little guy.
1302
01:04:35,772 --> 01:04:38,198
Boom! Just like rolling a blunt.
1303
01:04:38,367 --> 01:04:40,238
All you got to do, nephew...
1304
01:04:43,846 --> 01:04:45,375
Is hit that shit.
1305
01:04:46,043 --> 01:04:47,413
Got it? Mm-hmm.
1306
01:04:47,615 --> 01:04:48,916
All right, now
1307
01:04:49,118 --> 01:04:52,553
if you want to learn to lick ass, ask your mama.
1308
01:04:54,954 --> 01:04:57,455
You feel so good.
1309
01:04:59,021 --> 01:05:00,095
Oh, yeah.
1310
01:05:00,264 --> 01:05:01,792
Elle.
1311
01:05:01,994 --> 01:05:03,392
I want to try something.
1312
01:05:03,561 --> 01:05:05,630
I-I thought you said you'd never let me peg you.
1313
01:05:05,832 --> 01:05:07,366
What? No.
1314
01:05:07,535 --> 01:05:08,898
Relax.
1315
01:05:09,067 --> 01:05:10,534
I just want to taste you.
1316
01:05:13,167 --> 01:05:14,375
Okay.
1317
01:05:15,844 --> 01:05:17,401
Dinner time.
1318
01:05:17,570 --> 01:05:20,080
Oh, yeah, come here, baby.
1319
01:05:23,085 --> 01:05:25,244
Careful. My kitty is gangster.
1320
01:05:25,412 --> 01:05:27,114
Oh! Oh...
1321
01:05:27,282 --> 01:05:29,418
It is gangster. Okay.
1322
01:05:29,587 --> 01:05:32,226
Slapped you so hard, you want some more. Yeah!
1323
01:05:36,123 --> 01:05:37,427
Oh!
1324
01:05:37,596 --> 01:05:40,325
You feel so much better than Darrel and them.
1325
01:05:40,527 --> 01:05:41,501
Choo-choo!
1326
01:05:41,703 --> 01:05:42,635
Get back in there!
1327
01:05:42,838 --> 01:05:44,066
Yeah! Lick it!
1328
01:05:44,235 --> 01:05:46,471
Yeah! Lick it hard!
1329
01:05:47,743 --> 01:05:48,935
Finish her.
1330
01:05:50,737 --> 01:05:53,876
Oh, my God!
1331
01:05:56,279 --> 01:05:57,879
Just like rolling a blunt.
1332
01:05:59,086 --> 01:06:01,022
Now all I got to do is hit it.
1333
01:06:03,591 --> 01:06:05,151
Oh-- Oof!
1334
01:06:05,320 --> 01:06:06,621
Elle!
1335
01:06:08,961 --> 01:06:10,261
What the fuck?
1336
01:06:10,430 --> 01:06:12,924
Hey there. We heard tell of a Halloween party.
1337
01:06:13,559 --> 01:06:14,765
You did now, did you?
1338
01:06:14,934 --> 01:06:16,069
We're here to drink,
1339
01:06:16,238 --> 01:06:18,435
play bad music, do some half gay shit.
1340
01:06:19,235 --> 01:06:20,470
Why just half gay?
1341
01:06:21,269 --> 01:06:22,136
Can I help you?
1342
01:06:22,305 --> 01:06:24,402
If you just invite us in.
1343
01:06:24,571 --> 01:06:25,979
Why you need a invitation?
1344
01:06:26,148 --> 01:06:27,742
White folks show up to parties uninvited
1345
01:06:27,911 --> 01:06:30,217
all the time with their little nasty-ass casseroles.
1346
01:06:30,419 --> 01:06:32,613
Bland as shit. Y'all better start using some Lawry's.
1347
01:06:32,782 --> 01:06:35,012
Mm-hmm. And why she got them dirty-ass feet?
1348
01:06:35,181 --> 01:06:37,888
Look like you was walking around porn sets all day.
1349
01:06:38,091 --> 01:06:39,185
Got them trailer park toes.
1350
01:06:39,354 --> 01:06:40,962
Shit, son!
1351
01:06:41,131 --> 01:06:43,658
I think you're in the wrong place. Y'all Klan?
1352
01:06:44,766 --> 01:06:45,800
No.
1353
01:06:45,968 --> 01:06:48,668
We believe in music and equality.
1354
01:06:48,837 --> 01:06:50,036
How about we show y'all?
1355
01:06:50,238 --> 01:06:52,229
It's okay, no.
1356
01:07:04,613 --> 01:07:06,417
They gentrified the Jeffersons?
1357
01:07:06,619 --> 01:07:08,583
Weezy's rolling around in her grave right now.
1358
01:07:08,785 --> 01:07:11,522
You can't do this to the Black National Anthem.
1359
01:07:19,032 --> 01:07:20,393
Boo!
1360
01:07:20,596 --> 01:07:22,335
Nigga, you suck! Boo your ass!
1361
01:07:22,504 --> 01:07:24,498
We worked hard on this! Take that bullshit out of here!
1362
01:07:24,667 --> 01:07:26,073
We ain't got time for that dumb shit!
1363
01:07:26,275 --> 01:07:27,975
Why won't ya just go to one of those frat parties
1364
01:07:28,144 --> 01:07:29,636
where they drink until they black out
1365
01:07:29,805 --> 01:07:31,211
and wake up with their booties hurting,
1366
01:07:31,380 --> 01:07:33,446
not knowing what someone in a cowboy hat did to them?
1367
01:07:33,649 --> 01:07:34,777
Yeah! What?
1368
01:07:34,980 --> 01:07:36,081
Okay.
1369
01:07:36,250 --> 01:07:38,016
Well, we will leave you guys alone.
1370
01:07:38,185 --> 01:07:39,381
But we're gonna walk real slow
1371
01:07:39,550 --> 01:07:41,887
just in case y'all change your minds.
1372
01:07:44,192 --> 01:07:45,923
Change your minds yet? No.
1373
01:07:46,092 --> 01:07:47,022
Not at all. Hell no.
1374
01:07:47,191 --> 01:07:48,386
How about now?
1375
01:07:48,554 --> 01:07:50,191
Fuck no! No!
1376
01:07:50,360 --> 01:07:51,359
Yes? Hell to the nah.
1377
01:07:51,528 --> 01:07:52,691
Definitely not! Keep walking!
1378
01:07:52,860 --> 01:07:54,033
Now git! Let's go.
1379
01:07:54,202 --> 01:07:55,365
Sara, come on! White folks
1380
01:07:55,534 --> 01:07:57,369
is getting weird again.
1381
01:07:59,803 --> 01:08:02,103
Guys, I think I saw an open window over here.
1382
01:08:02,305 --> 01:08:03,367
That window's closed.
1383
01:08:03,536 --> 01:08:05,078
Not for long.
1384
01:08:11,280 --> 01:08:12,312
Wicked.
1385
01:08:12,514 --> 01:08:13,812
Oh, God. Fucking idiots.
1386
01:08:20,996 --> 01:08:24,962
Hey! Tuesday! You came back!
1387
01:08:25,164 --> 01:08:27,096
Yeah, I left my inhaler.
1388
01:08:27,264 --> 01:08:30,102
Honestly, Tuesday, that inhaler is the worst plot device in movie history.
1389
01:08:30,270 --> 01:08:31,798
That's true, should've been a vape.
1390
01:08:32,000 --> 01:08:34,402
But we're here now, so let's make the most of it.
1391
01:08:34,571 --> 01:08:36,735
Now where them White Claws at?
1392
01:08:41,642 --> 01:08:43,351
Sara? Hello.
1393
01:08:43,553 --> 01:08:46,821
Get your sister and get out of there right now. Okay, hon?
1394
01:08:46,990 --> 01:08:49,683
I am a grown-ass woman, Mother.
1395
01:08:49,886 --> 01:08:51,655
I don't have to do anything you tell me to do.
1396
01:08:51,823 --> 01:08:53,628
That's the house where your psycho father
1397
01:08:53,797 --> 01:08:54,963
killed those people.
1398
01:08:55,132 --> 01:08:56,421
Someone wanted to get you there.
1399
01:08:56,590 --> 01:08:58,426
Which means...
1400
01:08:58,595 --> 01:09:01,133
someone wants to get me there.
1401
01:09:01,301 --> 01:09:02,835
Oh, my God, this isn't about you!
1402
01:09:03,004 --> 01:09:04,302
Why are you yelling?
1403
01:09:04,471 --> 01:09:07,305
Because the camera's so fucking far away!
1404
01:09:07,474 --> 01:09:10,341
Wait, hold on. Are you tracking my phone?
1405
01:09:10,543 --> 01:09:11,471
You're breaking up.
1406
01:09:11,640 --> 01:09:12,741
Uh-- Yeah.
1407
01:09:17,977 --> 01:09:20,616
Happy Birthday!
1408
01:09:20,785 --> 01:09:23,983
Hey, that's my car!
1409
01:09:27,323 --> 01:09:28,792
What the fuck?
1410
01:09:28,961 --> 01:09:30,330
Elle!
1411
01:09:31,260 --> 01:09:32,494
I'm sorry!
1412
01:09:32,663 --> 01:09:34,994
I thought I was supposed to smoke it.
1413
01:09:35,770 --> 01:09:36,869
Oh, shit.
1414
01:09:40,838 --> 01:09:43,169
Seriously? With the 12 Years a Slave shit?
1415
01:09:43,338 --> 01:09:46,247
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I didn't see that movie, okay?
1416
01:09:46,449 --> 01:09:48,975
I just found this thing in the shed. Jesus.
1417
01:09:55,351 --> 01:09:56,855
Come on, bro!
1418
01:09:57,024 --> 01:09:58,259
That's even worse.
1419
01:09:59,461 --> 01:10:01,688
I didn't mean it that way.
1420
01:10:01,856 --> 01:10:03,825
Some of my best victims are Black.
1421
01:10:06,900 --> 01:10:10,063
And another brother falls victim to gun violence.
1422
01:10:10,966 --> 01:10:13,236
Turns out race is still an issue.
1423
01:10:13,438 --> 01:10:14,903
That's not fair!
1424
01:10:15,105 --> 01:10:17,074
You know, Black guys usually die first in horror movies.
1425
01:10:20,511 --> 01:10:21,909
Damn!
1426
01:10:22,111 --> 01:10:24,377
This give whole new meaning to Dead By Daylight.
1427
01:10:24,546 --> 01:10:26,413
Yeah.
1428
01:10:26,616 --> 01:10:29,416
Oh. Get them, son.
1429
01:10:29,618 --> 01:10:31,888
Goofy ass out of here.
1430
01:10:34,689 --> 01:10:36,324
Hello, Shorty.
1431
01:10:36,493 --> 01:10:38,656
Cuckoo! Get him, niggas!
1432
01:10:40,359 --> 01:10:44,471
Got your silly ass! You about to be high as fuck.
1433
01:10:47,942 --> 01:10:48,699
Nigga!
1434
01:10:48,868 --> 01:10:53,212
Ah, shit, son!
1435
01:10:53,381 --> 01:10:55,577
Bro, why you running backwards, son?
1436
01:10:55,746 --> 01:10:57,247
I don't know. It's not me.
1437
01:10:57,416 --> 01:10:58,449
Something's wrong with this.
1438
01:10:58,618 --> 01:11:00,120
Nigga, your remote is upside-down!
1439
01:11:00,289 --> 01:11:02,421
You're fucking high, son.
1440
01:11:02,590 --> 01:11:03,955
Game on, bitches! Yeah.
1441
01:11:09,426 --> 01:11:10,761
Oh! Wrong nigga.
1442
01:11:10,929 --> 01:11:12,392
Black Lives Matter!
1443
01:11:12,560 --> 01:11:13,932
Not you, Shorty!
1444
01:11:14,101 --> 01:11:15,135
Oh, my-- I need you.
1445
01:11:15,337 --> 01:11:17,063
Whoa, what is going on? Oh, Jack!
1446
01:11:17,231 --> 01:11:19,730
Oh, thank God you're here! Where were you?
1447
01:11:19,899 --> 01:11:21,274
Ghostface was just here!
1448
01:11:21,443 --> 01:11:23,610
I was just outside getting some fresh air.
1449
01:11:23,779 --> 01:11:24,774
Stop!
1450
01:11:25,740 --> 01:11:28,074
One of you is the killer.
1451
01:11:28,685 --> 01:11:29,713
Elle...
1452
01:11:30,715 --> 01:11:32,210
why do you have blood on your hands?
1453
01:11:33,717 --> 01:11:36,086
I found Brad outside.
1454
01:11:36,255 --> 01:11:37,550
She's the killer!
1455
01:11:37,719 --> 01:11:39,787
I am not the killer, okay?
1456
01:11:39,956 --> 01:11:42,696
I'm not even sex positive. I'm a virgin.
1457
01:11:42,898 --> 01:11:44,265
No way.
1458
01:11:44,434 --> 01:11:45,698
You've banged, like, every dude in Woodsville.
1459
01:11:45,900 --> 01:11:47,628
Fuck you!
1460
01:11:47,797 --> 01:11:49,299
Whoa!
1461
01:11:49,468 --> 01:11:52,169
The butt doesn't count.
1462
01:11:52,338 --> 01:11:54,039
Oh!
1463
01:11:54,241 --> 01:11:55,206
Shit, she shot Ashton!
1464
01:11:55,409 --> 01:11:58,973
Welcome to Act Three, bitches.
1465
01:12:00,475 --> 01:12:01,349
What?
1466
01:12:02,480 --> 01:12:04,110
What does that even mean?
1467
01:12:05,088 --> 01:12:07,016
It's when the shit goes down.
1468
01:12:07,185 --> 01:12:08,486
Oh.
1469
01:12:08,655 --> 01:12:09,783
I still don't really know what she means,
1470
01:12:09,951 --> 01:12:12,057
but I think we should run! Run!
1471
01:12:27,909 --> 01:12:28,767
Cindy!
1472
01:12:28,936 --> 01:12:30,506
Brenda.
1473
01:12:30,675 --> 01:12:32,310
Cindy, they in there shooting!
1474
01:12:32,479 --> 01:12:33,941
These kids are wild!
1475
01:12:34,110 --> 01:12:35,779
I blame it on video games,
1476
01:12:35,947 --> 01:12:38,383
not the liquor or lack of parental supervision.
1477
01:12:38,585 --> 01:12:39,713
You're gonna need this. Oh.
1478
01:12:39,915 --> 01:12:41,987
Do you have one bigger in black?
1479
01:12:42,156 --> 01:12:43,820
Oh, wrong bag.
1480
01:12:44,861 --> 01:12:45,585
Here. Ooh.
1481
01:12:45,787 --> 01:12:47,484
Who are you, Joan Wick?
1482
01:12:47,653 --> 01:12:50,189
I would've said Ballerina, but nobody saw that shit.
1483
01:12:51,197 --> 01:12:52,063
Let's do this.
1484
01:12:52,231 --> 01:12:53,525
Okay.
1485
01:12:56,401 --> 01:12:58,536
Help! He stabbed me!
1486
01:12:58,705 --> 01:13:01,369
I'm definitely not faking it. Please, help!
1487
01:13:01,538 --> 01:13:02,608
What do you think?
1488
01:13:03,543 --> 01:13:05,008
I think Drake lost to Kendrick.
1489
01:13:05,177 --> 01:13:08,180
I still like Drake, but what was up with that lawsuit?
1490
01:13:08,349 --> 01:13:10,049
That's such a bitch-ass move.
1491
01:13:10,217 --> 01:13:12,450
About this situation.
1492
01:13:12,652 --> 01:13:14,278
Oh, that? That's definitely a trap.
1493
01:13:14,480 --> 01:13:16,220
She don't know we already been here, done that.
1494
01:13:17,620 --> 01:13:20,688
Brenda!
1495
01:13:20,857 --> 01:13:23,255
Cindy! It hurts!
1496
01:13:24,300 --> 01:13:26,593
Am I gonna make it? I doubt it.
1497
01:13:26,795 --> 01:13:29,497
Oh, God, Cindy. Oh, God.
1498
01:13:29,666 --> 01:13:31,597
Bitch, I'm not dead yet!
1499
01:13:31,799 --> 01:13:33,933
Oh. My bad. I'm sorry.
1500
01:13:34,135 --> 01:13:37,877
Now you go back in there and finish it.
1501
01:13:38,046 --> 01:13:39,103
For me, Cindy.
1502
01:13:39,305 --> 01:13:41,608
I would do anything for you, Brenda.
1503
01:13:46,247 --> 01:13:49,049
Oh, yes! She bought it.
1504
01:13:49,218 --> 01:13:51,818
That old ketchup trick, it don't fail.
1505
01:13:52,020 --> 01:13:53,261
That bitch is crazy if she thought
1506
01:13:53,430 --> 01:13:55,663
I was taking my Black ass back in there.
1507
01:13:59,398 --> 01:14:00,732
Attention all killers!
1508
01:14:01,768 --> 01:14:05,000
You have five seconds to show yourselves.
1509
01:14:17,384 --> 01:14:18,147
Shorty!
1510
01:14:18,349 --> 01:14:19,778
Bitch!
1511
01:14:19,947 --> 01:14:21,979
You shot my favorite bong.
1512
01:14:22,181 --> 01:14:24,285
Go find your own damn closet!
1513
01:14:24,454 --> 01:14:25,592
Sorry.
1514
01:14:34,899 --> 01:14:36,768
Hello, Cindy.
1515
01:14:37,566 --> 01:14:38,768
Hello.
1516
01:14:38,937 --> 01:14:40,132
Looks like you forgot
1517
01:14:40,301 --> 01:14:42,834
the first rule of surviving a horror movie.
1518
01:14:43,037 --> 01:14:45,569
Never answer the phone!
1519
01:14:46,872 --> 01:14:50,144
I thought the first rule was never trust the love interest.
1520
01:14:51,484 --> 01:14:52,849
Oh, really?
1521
01:14:53,018 --> 01:14:55,017
Well, I'm changing the rules. How about that?
1522
01:14:55,852 --> 01:14:59,059
New rule: Go fuck yourself.
1523
01:14:59,261 --> 01:15:00,192
Wait, wait!
1524
01:15:01,862 --> 01:15:04,229
Why do you hate closets so much?
1525
01:15:04,432 --> 01:15:05,893
I told you to come out.
1526
01:15:06,095 --> 01:15:07,968
Yeah, well, I didn't want to get shot!
1527
01:15:08,137 --> 01:15:09,637
Ironic, isn't it?
1528
01:15:10,640 --> 01:15:12,633
You missed me, bitch.
1529
01:15:12,802 --> 01:15:14,503
Oh, God, it's Ghostface!
1530
01:15:14,672 --> 01:15:15,633
Didn't sound believable.
1531
01:15:17,645 --> 01:15:18,707
You think you're John Wick,
1532
01:15:18,876 --> 01:15:20,145
acting like I killed your dog?
1533
01:15:25,519 --> 01:15:27,319
The dog is just a metaphor.
1534
01:15:27,488 --> 01:15:29,215
It was about losing his wife!
1535
01:15:29,417 --> 01:15:31,317
You sure it's not an allegory?
1536
01:15:42,368 --> 01:15:43,664
Let us begin.
1537
01:15:52,909 --> 01:15:54,274
Oh.
1538
01:16:04,756 --> 01:16:06,957
Oh, that stunt girl is good.
1539
01:16:23,903 --> 01:16:24,704
Whoa.
1540
01:16:29,517 --> 01:16:31,443
Oh, oh--
1541
01:16:47,103 --> 01:16:48,427
Eat a dick.
1542
01:16:58,941 --> 01:17:00,939
Shoot him, Sara. End this.
1543
01:17:01,108 --> 01:17:02,776
Don't tell me what to do!
1544
01:17:02,945 --> 01:17:04,451
This isn't the best time
1545
01:17:04,620 --> 01:17:06,744
to resolve our mommy-daughter issues,
1546
01:17:06,913 --> 01:17:11,285
but Sara, I am so sorry. I have been a terrible mother.
1547
01:17:11,453 --> 01:17:13,785
I don't even know your sister Wednesday--
1548
01:17:13,954 --> 01:17:15,154
Oh, Tuesday.
1549
01:17:15,323 --> 01:17:18,288
Have to clarify that for legal reasons.
1550
01:17:18,457 --> 01:17:19,700
But I've prepared you for this.
1551
01:17:20,467 --> 01:17:21,861
So go on, baby.
1552
01:17:22,064 --> 01:17:23,665
You kill him.
1553
01:17:23,833 --> 01:17:25,139
Sara? Jack!
1554
01:17:25,307 --> 01:17:26,603
Sara! Jack!
1555
01:17:26,772 --> 01:17:28,142
Sara! Oh, Jack!
1556
01:17:28,310 --> 01:17:31,343
Sara! Jack!
1557
01:17:31,546 --> 01:17:32,411
Thank God you're okay.
1558
01:17:32,580 --> 01:17:33,512
Because I really wanted to be
1559
01:17:33,714 --> 01:17:34,612
the one to kill you!
1560
01:17:34,781 --> 01:17:36,248
Ooh, take it, baby.
1561
01:17:37,753 --> 01:17:40,285
See, I told you it was about me.
1562
01:17:40,454 --> 01:17:42,184
No, Sara.
1563
01:17:43,624 --> 01:17:45,187
You were just the bait.
1564
01:17:45,788 --> 01:17:47,123
It's about her.
1565
01:17:47,791 --> 01:17:48,825
Fuck! Aw.
1566
01:17:48,993 --> 01:17:51,256
Sorry, honey. I hate being right.
1567
01:17:51,425 --> 01:17:53,366
You should've listened to Doofy.
1568
01:17:53,569 --> 01:17:55,636
The love interest.
1569
01:17:55,805 --> 01:17:58,065
It just seemed too obvious, you know?
1570
01:17:58,268 --> 01:18:00,734
Which makes you think it is not obvious.
1571
01:18:00,936 --> 01:18:01,669
Same page, honeybunch.
1572
01:18:01,838 --> 01:18:02,804
Right.
1573
01:18:02,973 --> 01:18:04,574
Yeah, well, that's the twist!
1574
01:18:04,777 --> 01:18:06,070
Now get in the kitchen. Go!
1575
01:18:06,272 --> 01:18:07,578
Hey! Move!
1576
01:18:07,780 --> 01:18:10,078
Okay, listen up!
1577
01:18:10,281 --> 01:18:13,351
See, there hasn't been a great Horror Movie
1578
01:18:13,520 --> 01:18:15,220
since the first one.
1579
01:18:15,389 --> 01:18:18,586
We're gonna save the franchise. Go get our special guest star.
1580
01:18:20,727 --> 01:18:23,256
Hollywood is out of ideas!
1581
01:18:23,458 --> 01:18:25,922
Why else would there be a Scary Movie 6?
1582
01:18:26,125 --> 01:18:28,525
But it wouldn't work with just the new characters, would it?
1583
01:18:28,694 --> 01:18:31,162
We need the legacy characters. Oh--
1584
01:18:31,331 --> 01:18:32,903
And there wouldn't be a Cindy
1585
01:18:33,105 --> 01:18:36,636
without her sassy Black sidekick, Brenda.
1586
01:18:36,805 --> 01:18:39,906
You ain't have to say "Black" with no hard "b" like that.
1587
01:18:40,109 --> 01:18:42,475
Brenda! Didn't you get shot?
1588
01:18:43,284 --> 01:18:44,708
Did I?
1589
01:18:44,877 --> 01:18:48,518
Oh! Wait, I did! Ooh, look, God done healed me!
1590
01:18:48,686 --> 01:18:50,214
Ooh, what He do?
1591
01:18:50,383 --> 01:18:51,591
Stop dancing! All the time!
1592
01:18:51,793 --> 01:18:53,093
Stop dancing! Everybody stop dancing!
1593
01:18:53,295 --> 01:18:54,185
All the time!
1594
01:18:54,354 --> 01:18:55,360
Oh!
1595
01:18:55,528 --> 01:18:57,926
Oh. Mom! No!
1596
01:18:58,095 --> 01:19:00,427
You called me "Mom".
1597
01:19:01,700 --> 01:19:03,230
You care about me.
1598
01:19:03,399 --> 01:19:05,534
Well, I wouldn't go that far, but, I mean,
1599
01:19:05,703 --> 01:19:06,437
sure. Go--
1600
01:19:06,605 --> 01:19:07,536
Go get Tuesday.
1601
01:19:07,705 --> 01:19:09,202
Okay, ladies,
1602
01:19:09,371 --> 01:19:11,468
time to stage the bodies.
1603
01:19:11,670 --> 01:19:13,943
Let's go, let's go, let's go. Oh!
1604
01:19:14,112 --> 01:19:15,876
Please don't do this!
1605
01:19:16,045 --> 01:19:17,376
What? Who are you people?
1606
01:19:17,545 --> 01:19:18,651
We're the motherfuckers
1607
01:19:18,853 --> 01:19:21,221
that are taking over this franchise.
1608
01:19:21,390 --> 01:19:22,288
Oh, yeah? You are?
1609
01:19:22,457 --> 01:19:24,550
Okay! Oh, my God.
1610
01:19:24,719 --> 01:19:27,086
That was not part of the plan.
1611
01:19:27,255 --> 01:19:29,386
Oh, God. Shit.
1612
01:19:29,555 --> 01:19:31,593
Oh. Neither was this.
1613
01:19:35,164 --> 01:19:36,468
Wait, Ray got one of those!
1614
01:19:36,671 --> 01:19:38,868
Whoa! Hot damn!
1615
01:19:39,037 --> 01:19:42,240
Anthony Anderson!
1616
01:19:42,409 --> 01:19:43,710
Yeah.
1617
01:19:43,879 --> 01:19:46,277
And I brought my boy Kevin Hart with me.
1618
01:19:53,520 --> 01:19:55,152
What? Shaq?
1619
01:19:55,354 --> 01:19:57,950
That's right. On my knees I'm the same height as Kevin.
1620
01:19:58,119 --> 01:19:59,316
And Kevin said no.
1621
01:19:59,518 --> 01:20:00,828
Kevin Hart said no?
1622
01:20:00,997 --> 01:20:02,690
That little motherfucker says yes to everything.
1623
01:20:02,892 --> 01:20:03,793
Yeah, he does.
1624
01:20:03,962 --> 01:20:05,357
But wait!
1625
01:20:05,560 --> 01:20:07,925
There's more.
1626
01:20:08,094 --> 01:20:10,037
Ta-dah...
1627
01:20:10,239 --> 01:20:11,303
bitches!
1628
01:20:11,472 --> 01:20:12,998
Ray? Shorty?
1629
01:20:13,167 --> 01:20:14,771
Yeah, that's right.
1630
01:20:14,940 --> 01:20:17,973
Four Black killers. Yeah.
1631
01:20:18,142 --> 01:20:19,339
We're making history.
1632
01:20:19,508 --> 01:20:22,509
This a new definition of Black excellence.
1633
01:20:23,310 --> 01:20:24,711
But why would you do this?
1634
01:20:24,914 --> 01:20:26,381
Question is:
1635
01:20:26,583 --> 01:20:28,352
Why would you try to make a sequel without us, huh?
1636
01:20:28,521 --> 01:20:29,856
Yeah!
1637
01:20:30,025 --> 01:20:31,685
When the studio wanted to replace these brothers,
1638
01:20:31,888 --> 01:20:33,824
I was there.
1639
01:20:33,993 --> 01:20:35,823
That's facts. What about me?
1640
01:20:35,991 --> 01:20:36,826
What about you?
1641
01:20:36,995 --> 01:20:38,023
You were in one scene
1642
01:20:38,225 --> 01:20:39,831
in Part 4. Oh!
1643
01:20:39,999 --> 01:20:40,829
Yes, but I made that motherfucker
1644
01:20:40,998 --> 01:20:42,430
Dr. Phil cut his foot off.
1645
01:20:42,598 --> 01:20:44,271
And he crazy now. Yeah, he got weird.
1646
01:20:44,440 --> 01:20:45,463
Mm. But you--
1647
01:20:45,631 --> 01:20:46,972
Y-You see what they trying to do?
1648
01:20:47,141 --> 01:20:48,865
They trying to pit us all up against each other.
1649
01:20:49,067 --> 01:20:51,610
They trying to start Black on-- on very Black crime.
1650
01:20:51,779 --> 01:20:52,976
Oh. That's right!
1651
01:20:53,145 --> 01:20:55,806
Yo, Shaq. Hey. I'm proud of you, bro.
1652
01:20:55,975 --> 01:20:58,345
You've had an amazing career as a sports commentator
1653
01:20:58,514 --> 01:21:00,185
since retiring from basketball. Mm-hmm.
1654
01:21:00,354 --> 01:21:03,881
And I love The Big Podcast. Nigga, I love that shit!
1655
01:21:04,050 --> 01:21:06,055
Even though I don't understand a word you be saying.
1656
01:21:06,224 --> 01:21:07,219
You be on that show talkin' 'bout--
1657
01:21:11,026 --> 01:21:11,758
"Kobe."
1658
01:21:11,960 --> 01:21:13,162
Enough.
1659
01:21:13,331 --> 01:21:16,871
But my point is, nigga, I love your shit.
1660
01:21:17,805 --> 01:21:19,903
But I never got over Kazaam.
1661
01:21:20,072 --> 01:21:21,340
Fuck all that shit!
1662
01:21:21,509 --> 01:21:22,900
Kick his ass!
1663
01:21:23,068 --> 01:21:25,538
Get your big ass over here! I hated that movie, too!
1664
01:21:25,707 --> 01:21:26,944
Why did you leave the Lakers?
1665
01:21:27,146 --> 01:21:29,779
You and Kobe would've had nine rings!
1666
01:21:29,982 --> 01:21:31,284
That motherfucker traded me!
1667
01:21:31,486 --> 01:21:32,586
Sha-kweel!
1668
01:21:32,755 --> 01:21:35,253
How big is your foot?
1669
01:21:35,455 --> 01:21:36,515
22.
1670
01:21:36,684 --> 01:21:39,054
Then how big is your dick?
1671
01:21:39,223 --> 01:21:40,351
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Ray!
1672
01:21:40,520 --> 01:21:41,929
Pause. What the fuck
1673
01:21:42,131 --> 01:21:43,494
you talking about? I'm doing it for the culture.
1674
01:21:43,663 --> 01:21:45,029
What culture?
1675
01:21:45,198 --> 01:21:47,062
The Culture Club. Nigga! Bro.
1676
01:21:47,231 --> 01:21:48,328
Come on, Ray, we killing people.
1677
01:21:48,497 --> 01:21:49,393
Stay focused. All right, all right.
1678
01:21:49,562 --> 01:21:51,434
All right. We back.
1679
01:21:51,636 --> 01:21:54,441
Hey, Ant, don't, don't you-- don't you worry. We family.
1680
01:21:54,643 --> 01:21:56,537
Ant, mad respect, y'all.
1681
01:21:56,705 --> 01:21:58,675
Hey, Black-ish nominated
1682
01:21:58,843 --> 01:21:59,776
for eight Emmys!
1683
01:21:59,979 --> 01:22:01,074
My nigga!
1684
01:22:01,243 --> 01:22:02,375
Well, actually,
1685
01:22:02,544 --> 01:22:04,110
the show was only nominated for five.
1686
01:22:04,312 --> 01:22:05,977
I was nominated for eight.
1687
01:22:06,180 --> 01:22:07,115
Ooh. Wow.
1688
01:22:07,284 --> 01:22:08,081
Oh, thank you.
1689
01:22:08,250 --> 01:22:09,249
A thespian!
1690
01:22:09,418 --> 01:22:11,954
Is that so? Eight nominations.
1691
01:22:12,123 --> 01:22:14,119
Crazy! Yeah, man.
1692
01:22:16,226 --> 01:22:18,256
But you never won. What?
1693
01:22:20,030 --> 01:22:21,263
Et tu, Brute?
1694
01:22:21,432 --> 01:22:23,134
Don't speak Spanish to me, motherfucker.
1695
01:22:23,369 --> 01:22:26,268
This is for doing Scary Movie 3 and 4!
1696
01:22:26,437 --> 01:22:28,475
I didn't know they fired the family!
1697
01:22:28,644 --> 01:22:30,273
And this is for copying
1698
01:22:30,442 --> 01:22:33,239
our Good Times episode on Black-ish!
1699
01:22:33,408 --> 01:22:35,913
But you guys were on The WB!
1700
01:22:36,082 --> 01:22:38,542
Nobody saw that shit!
1701
01:22:40,514 --> 01:22:42,048
Ooh. No, no, no.
1702
01:22:42,217 --> 01:22:44,157
And you, and you--
1703
01:22:44,360 --> 01:22:47,259
Y'all went and did Scary Movie 3 and 4 without us!
1704
01:22:47,427 --> 01:22:49,956
Nigga, I'm sorry. They offered me so much money!
1705
01:22:50,125 --> 01:22:53,728
I-I got a new house, a new car. I got wigs that don't itch.
1706
01:22:54,933 --> 01:22:56,234
And what about you?
1707
01:22:57,301 --> 01:22:59,398
Well, I had a chance to work with
1708
01:22:59,567 --> 01:23:01,899
the incomparable Charlie Sheen.
1709
01:23:03,570 --> 01:23:05,171
That's good. He's a legend.
1710
01:23:05,373 --> 01:23:07,506
And his dick game's crazy.
1711
01:23:07,675 --> 01:23:09,706
You know he slept with 47,000 women?
1712
01:23:09,909 --> 01:23:11,946
And a thousand of them women were dudes.
1713
01:23:12,115 --> 01:23:13,812
Lucky guy.
1714
01:23:14,780 --> 01:23:17,149
Wait, so y'all gonna kill us now?
1715
01:23:18,850 --> 01:23:20,622
Nah.
1716
01:23:20,791 --> 01:23:23,392
What would Halloween be without Jamie Lee Curtis?
1717
01:23:23,594 --> 01:23:25,229
Or Scream be without Neve Campbell?
1718
01:23:25,431 --> 01:23:26,800
That would be Scream VI.
1719
01:23:26,969 --> 01:23:29,400
How did you guys pull all of this off?
1720
01:23:29,603 --> 01:23:30,827
Cindy!
1721
01:23:30,996 --> 01:23:33,739
You know how many Wayanses there are?
1722
01:23:33,941 --> 01:23:35,868
Nigga, billions! Billions!
1723
01:23:36,037 --> 01:23:39,376
I'm just so happy that the old gang is back together.
1724
01:23:40,146 --> 01:23:41,941
Okay, in the middle, on three:
1725
01:23:42,110 --> 01:23:43,342
Core Four.
1726
01:23:43,511 --> 01:23:45,148
What? Nah, nah. We-- That--
1727
01:23:45,317 --> 01:23:46,520
That-- That's corny shit. That's wack.
1728
01:23:46,689 --> 01:23:48,054
Ooh, uh, w-what about--
1729
01:23:48,256 --> 01:23:50,722
What about, The Young and The Restless?
1730
01:23:50,924 --> 01:23:52,792
Yeah, or The-- or The Old
1731
01:23:52,961 --> 01:23:54,124
and then The Beautiful.
1732
01:23:54,293 --> 01:23:56,192
Or-- or The-- The Cute and The Crusty.
1733
01:23:56,361 --> 01:23:59,059
Yeah, or The Sexy and then The Senile.
1734
01:24:05,339 --> 01:24:07,232
But we were brought in to take over the franchise!
1735
01:24:07,434 --> 01:24:08,468
That's right. I mean,
1736
01:24:08,636 --> 01:24:10,708
you guys are, like, 70 years old!
1737
01:24:10,876 --> 01:24:12,444
Not in my mouth!
1738
01:24:12,646 --> 01:24:13,613
Aw, fuck!
1739
01:24:15,140 --> 01:24:17,346
I just dragged that one from the subway.
1740
01:24:17,515 --> 01:24:19,710
Oh, my back hurts.
1741
01:24:19,878 --> 01:24:22,614
Guys, guys! They're already dead.
1742
01:24:22,816 --> 01:24:25,053
Nah! Little fuckers always come back.
1743
01:24:25,221 --> 01:24:26,960
Oh, no. Not this time.
1744
01:24:27,163 --> 01:24:29,389
Exactly. Come on, Ray, let's go. Let's go.
1745
01:24:29,558 --> 01:24:30,964
Who got a match?
1746
01:24:31,166 --> 01:24:35,228
Got one, got one! Next generation, my ass!
1747
01:24:35,397 --> 01:24:36,800
Yeah, whoo!
1748
01:24:41,205 --> 01:24:42,267
Sara, tell me what do to.
1749
01:24:42,469 --> 01:24:44,441
Blow, bitch, blow!
1750
01:24:52,488 --> 01:24:53,516
Yeah.
1751
01:24:55,686 --> 01:24:57,954
Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Should we feel bad?
1752
01:24:58,157 --> 01:24:59,549
I mean, those are our kids.
1753
01:24:59,718 --> 01:25:01,355
Fuck those kids! Yeah!
1754
01:25:01,524 --> 01:25:03,458
This is our franchise. Yeah!
1755
01:25:03,661 --> 01:25:06,260
Besides, we can do all these dramatic walkaways
1756
01:25:06,429 --> 01:25:07,732
with the fire in back of us.
1757
01:25:07,901 --> 01:25:09,561
But, damn, it's hot.
1758
01:25:09,730 --> 01:25:12,370
I don't know. I kind of like it.
1759
01:25:13,306 --> 01:25:14,974
You do, Ray? We should play firemen.
1760
01:25:15,142 --> 01:25:17,109
You wanna dress up like a fireman?
1761
01:25:17,278 --> 01:25:19,011
No. I want you to dress up like a fireman.
1762
01:25:19,213 --> 01:25:21,540
Y'all feel a draft?
1763
01:27:35,044 --> 01:27:37,276
Coming soon to a theater near you...
1764
01:27:37,445 --> 01:27:39,114
Come to me...
1765
01:27:39,283 --> 01:27:40,584
Count Brolock.
1766
01:27:41,686 --> 01:27:43,047
From the studio that brought you
1767
01:27:43,216 --> 01:27:45,919
every Black version of a white movie...
1768
01:27:48,428 --> 01:27:52,065
I am but an appetite, nothing more.
1769
01:27:52,233 --> 01:27:54,297
That's not what you said last night
1770
01:27:54,499 --> 01:27:56,030
when you were sucking on my chest.
1771
01:27:58,435 --> 01:27:59,862
The sisters may hear you.
1772
01:28:00,031 --> 01:28:01,698
Too late.
1773
01:28:01,866 --> 01:28:02,932
You trifling sellout.
1774
01:28:03,101 --> 01:28:04,641
I don't know this bitch!
1775
01:28:04,843 --> 01:28:06,243
She's trying to get me! This is entrapment!
1776
01:28:06,412 --> 01:28:08,609
Negro ain't shit. Mm-hmm.
1777
01:28:08,778 --> 01:28:11,450
Behold the Black vampire.
1778
01:28:12,117 --> 01:28:13,980
Brosferatu.
1779
01:28:15,056 --> 01:28:16,983
Coming this Kwanzaa.
1780
01:29:31,229 --> 01:29:35,001
Cuckoo. Cuckoo.
1781
01:29:35,170 --> 01:29:39,165
Happy Birthday, A.S. Berger.
1782
01:29:39,334 --> 01:29:41,667
Something isn't right here. Happy birthday...
1783
01:29:41,836 --> 01:29:43,509
He's definitely Ghostface.
1784
01:29:44,207 --> 01:29:45,104
Sit.
1785
01:29:46,211 --> 01:29:47,746
I agree, Berger.
1786
01:29:47,915 --> 01:29:50,039
That hand should spend the rest of its life in prison.
1787
01:29:50,208 --> 01:29:52,113
That little hand, man. I mean--
1788
01:29:52,316 --> 01:29:55,813
Respectfully, that thing would probably give a nice handjob.
1789
01:29:55,982 --> 01:29:58,153
Off the chain, guaranteed.
1790
01:29:58,322 --> 01:29:59,390
Tight grip.
1791
01:29:59,559 --> 01:30:00,717
Make your meat look two times bigger.
1792
01:30:00,885 --> 01:30:01,985
Yeah.
1793
01:30:02,154 --> 01:30:03,395
I don't want a handjob from him.
1794
01:30:03,564 --> 01:30:04,824
Let me tell you that, first and foremost.
1795
01:30:04,993 --> 01:30:06,993
I do not want a handjob. Me neither.
1796
01:30:07,162 --> 01:30:09,700
However, when you look at it, like a shotgun--
1797
01:30:09,869 --> 01:30:11,772
You're done.
1798
01:30:13,366 --> 01:30:14,733
Now, listen, we're gonna hold him, okay?
1799
01:30:14,902 --> 01:30:16,404
Okay. It might be a day,
1800
01:30:16,573 --> 01:30:17,738
two weeks, I don't know.
1801
01:30:17,907 --> 01:30:19,003
I don't know how long this movie is.
1802
01:30:19,172 --> 01:30:21,171
Like a Chris Nolan movie with farts.
1803
01:30:21,340 --> 01:30:23,577
But what I want you to do is go in there
1804
01:30:23,746 --> 01:30:25,709
and show him what you got.
1805
01:30:25,878 --> 01:30:26,948
Cock it and rock it.
1806
01:30:30,751 --> 01:30:31,788
Ah.
1807
01:30:33,525 --> 01:30:35,891
Oh!
1808
01:30:36,759 --> 01:30:38,425
There she is.
1809
01:30:38,594 --> 01:30:40,731
The birthday girl.
1810
01:30:43,929 --> 01:30:45,065
I brought a cake.
1811
01:30:46,469 --> 01:30:47,672
Make a wish.
1812
01:30:49,442 --> 01:30:51,304
My germs!
1813
01:30:54,943 --> 01:30:58,080
Finger-licking good.
1814
01:30:58,249 --> 01:31:01,647
Agent Berger, I'm just trying to give you my strong hand.
1815
01:31:01,849 --> 01:31:03,981
No! But it's a meme.
1816
01:31:04,183 --> 01:31:07,921
Mr. Shorthand, are you Ghostface?
1817
01:31:08,090 --> 01:31:10,530
Here we go--
1818
01:31:11,399 --> 01:31:13,263
Whew, that stings. It's sort of--
1819
01:31:13,431 --> 01:31:14,265
Whoo.
1820
01:31:14,434 --> 01:31:15,960
Okay, that hurts. Stop.
1821
01:31:16,129 --> 01:31:17,232
Can I talk to you for a second?
1822
01:31:17,401 --> 01:31:18,962
Yeah, o-okay.
1823
01:31:20,935 --> 01:31:22,436
This table needs an airbag.
1824
01:31:22,605 --> 01:31:23,436
It should--
1825
01:31:23,605 --> 01:31:25,140
Goddamn!
1826
01:31:25,309 --> 01:31:26,477
Whoo!
1827
01:31:26,646 --> 01:31:28,009
I didn't think it would hurt so bad.
1828
01:31:28,178 --> 01:31:30,682
So we got the wrong guy. Could have told you that.
1829
01:31:31,517 --> 01:31:33,009
Why? 'Cause I'm psychic.
1830
01:31:33,178 --> 01:31:35,021
Oh, yeah!
1831
01:31:35,189 --> 01:31:36,385
You know, it's what--
1832
01:31:36,588 --> 01:31:37,818
Oh, shit!
1833
01:31:37,987 --> 01:31:39,389
Oh, God, that's how I feel.
1834
01:31:39,592 --> 01:31:40,857
Let me tell you some--
1835
01:31:41,657 --> 01:31:43,395
What do we do now?
1836
01:31:43,598 --> 01:31:45,191
Back out slowly.
1837
01:31:45,359 --> 01:31:46,992
Like my neighbor when I caught him inside my wife.
1838
01:31:47,161 --> 01:31:48,634
Where are you guys going?
1839
01:31:48,803 --> 01:31:49,860
They're still together?
1840
01:31:50,029 --> 01:31:51,500
Unfortunately.
1841
01:31:51,669 --> 01:31:52,830
Ow!
1842
01:31:52,999 --> 01:31:54,901
Sorry, man. It's okay.
1843
01:31:55,104 --> 01:31:56,337
We're a throuple now.