1 00:00:03,200 --> 00:00:06,200 Britain, Britain, Britainl 2 00:00:06,400 --> 00:00:08,800 Population: one millions. 3 00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:12,200 Number of towns: nine. Average height: thirty. 4 00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:15,600 Shoe sizel But just who are Britain? 5 00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:19,320 Over the next eleventeen weeks, we aim to find out 6 00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:22,400 by following the lives of ordinary British folk. 7 00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:25,200 What do they? Who is they? 8 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:27,800 And why? 9 00:00:30,920 --> 00:00:33,000 British justice is the best in the world. 10 00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:38,520 Anyone who disagrees is either a gay, a woman or a mental. 11 00:00:39,800 --> 00:00:44,520 Vicky Pollard, you have been charged with shoplifting. 12 00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:49,120 On the 11th of April, it is alleged you went into the Erkskine branch of Superdrug. 13 00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:53,200 Once there, you attempted to steal an eyeliner pencil and a can of Red Bull 14 00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:56,800 by concealing them in your leggings. 15 00:00:59,920 --> 00:01:06,000 In the face of the overwhelming evidence we've heard against you, you still plead not guilty? 16 00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:10,200 No but, yeah but, what happened was this thing I don't know nothin' about. 17 00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:12,720 Shut up! I wasn't supposed to be near there. 18 00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:16,800 Then Meredith came over and stirred it up and called me these things. 19 00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:23,200 Right... but you admit you were in Superdrug? 20 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:27,400 No but, yeah but, no, 'cause of this whole other thing that Meredith says weren't a thing, 21 00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:29,800 but don't listen 'cause she's a complete slag. 22 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:32,400 Meredith? Who is Meredith? 23 00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:36,720 The one who done that thing, but if she gives you sweets don't eat 'em 'cause she's dirty. 24 00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:38,920 Thing? What thing? 25 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:44,200 Yeah, I know. And anyway there was this whole other thing I didn't even know about or nothin' 26 00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:49,200 Liberty told Wayne Duggan that Jermaine fingered Carly round the back of the ice rink. 27 00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:54,520 I was on the phone to Jules, but don't listen to her. She had a baby and didn't tell anyone. 28 00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:57,520 Vicky, were you in Superdrug at the time? 29 00:01:57,720 --> 00:02:02,920 No! But, yeah but, no but, yeah but... no but, yeah but, no 'cause I wasn't even with Amber. 30 00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:08,120 - Amber? Who's Amber? - Yeah, exactly! I don't even know who she is. 31 00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:12,200 - Vicky, I don't think you realise... - No, but there's this other thing, right... 32 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:16,000 - If you're found guilty... - You can't say that, right... 33 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:20,800 - I'm allergic to cat hair. - Are you going to keep interrupting me?! 34 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:25,520 - No, I'm not. I'm gonna let you speak. - Good. 35 00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:29,000 - Now, we've heard from... - Oh, my God! Right... 36 00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:32,320 - I give up! - Craig felt up Amy at Alton Towers. 37 00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:37,600 Her mum totally had an eppy, but then Dean went on the Mary Rose and was sick on Louise's head. 38 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:43,600 - Does the defence have anything to say? - Yes, M'L ord. 39 00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:48,800 Vicky, have you got my purse? 40 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:56,920 It's a quarter past Gillian, and the Aberdoone Stook Hoose in Scotchland is serving dinner. 41 00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:04,600 - Would you pass me another breadstick, love? - There you go, dear. Lovely soup, isn't it? 42 00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:07,400 Very tangy. I'd love to know what they put in it. 43 00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:10,200 I hear ye talkin' aboot ma soups! 44 00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:15,000 - You must be the chef. - Maybe I am and maybe I'm not! 45 00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:18,000 (FOLK TUNE) 46 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:23,800 - Well, eh, are you? - Ye-e-es! 47 00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:29,120 My wife, Morag, and myself were complimenting your broth. We'd love to make it at home. 48 00:03:29,320 --> 00:03:32,320 You'd like to know ma secrets, would you? 49 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:40,600 - Well, yes. - Have you ever heard of a thing called butter? 50 00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:46,720 - Well, yes. - Gold in colour and slippery to the touch. 51 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:49,320 Yes, eh... butter. 52 00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:53,800 - Anything else? - Ye-e-es! 53 00:03:53,920 --> 00:03:56,920 - Are you going to tell us? - Ye-e-es! 54 00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:05,000 Have you ever heard the legend of the seeded fruit that is often mistooken for a vegetable? 55 00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:09,200 - Oh, the tomato. - Red in colour and fleshy within. 56 00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:11,800 But beware of the pips! 57 00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:17,600 They call it the tom-ato! 58 00:04:17,720 --> 00:04:20,800 - The tomato. - Ye-e-es! 59 00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:23,720 - Anything else? - Ye-e-es! 60 00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:26,320 Well? 61 00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:29,400 Have you ever heard of such a thing as a cow? 62 00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:33,000 Yes, I do believe I've heard of a cow. 63 00:04:33,200 --> 00:04:37,400 Ah, but did you know the cow secretes a liquor from its udder? 64 00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:40,120 Yes! Milk! 65 00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:41,920 Oh. 66 00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:43,720 Em... 67 00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:47,720 (FEEBLE FLOURISH) 68 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:54,600 - Well, thank you very much. - Have you ever heard... 69 00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:57,400 - Of what? - Salt! 70 00:04:57,600 --> 00:05:01,000 (A COUNTRY JIG) 71 00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:08,920 Yes, we're familiar with salt. 72 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:13,200 Ah! You fell into my trap, for I speak of the foe of salt! 73 00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:16,600 - Pepper (!) - You know too much! 74 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:22,600 So it's butter, tomato, milk, salt and pepper? Do you use a vegetable stock with that? 75 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:24,600 - Ye-e-es! - Is that it? 76 00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:26,400 Ye-e-es! 77 00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:29,520 Well, thank you very much. So, Morag... 78 00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:32,320 Ye know too much! Ye know... 79 00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:35,520 ...too much! 80 00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:39,200 Ye know too much! 81 00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:42,520 So, any... 82 00:05:42,720 --> 00:05:47,520 - Morag, you were telling me about... - I'll leave ye with a riddle! 83 00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:53,600 I'm hard, yet soft. I'm coloured, yet clear. I'm fruity and sweet, I am jelly - what am I? 84 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:59,600 - Jelly. - Muse upon it further. I shall return. 85 00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:03,200 - It's jelly, though, isn't it? - Ye-e-es! 86 00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:20,520 Oh, yes, you're very tense, aren't you, Jonathan? 87 00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:24,720 I think the thing to do is to try and think of something relaxing. 88 00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:29,400 When I want to relax, I like to think of a herd of marauding buffalo, 89 00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:33,600 trampling through a village. The villagers are fleeing. 90 00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:37,600 Perhaps one or two of them are caught in the melee. 91 00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:41,200 You still seem very tense. 92 00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:46,920 We continue our journey in Merkin, a happy town just north of Troot. 93 00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:51,320 It's midday, and rubbish transvestite Emily Howard is paying a visit 94 00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:54,000 to his local swimming pool. 95 00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:59,400 Ahem! Ah-he-hem! 96 00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:10,320 First things first. I am a lady and I would like a ladies' swim, please. 97 00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:13,800 Er, yeah. Men, women, whatever. It's L2.60. 98 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:18,000 That's right. A ladies' swim. Oh, where's my purse? 99 00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:23,520 It's in my ladies' handbag that I bought from a ladies' shop. From a lady. 100 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:30,400 These coins are so heavy! Of course, you wouldn't notice, being a man. 101 00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:36,200 Heaven knows what that is like! I do not. How could I? I'm a lady! 102 00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:40,200 Tell me, is there a poo-el reserved for womenfolk? 103 00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:45,120 - No, there's just one pool. It's mixed. - No! Really? 104 00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:49,720 Mm-hm-hm! Mm-hm-hm! Mm-hm-hm! 105 00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:54,200 Yeah, there is a "ladies only" swim night. On Tuesday nights. 106 00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:58,200 - Tuesday nights you say? - Yeah. So you can't come then. 107 00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:05,400 No, you're right. I can't come then. I'm doing ladies' things that night, that ladies do. 108 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:08,120 Because that's what I am. A lady! 109 00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:12,920 Ooh! I've dropped my lace handkerchief on the floor. 110 00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:17,200 (HE SIGHS) 111 00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:21,320 - There you are, mate. - I bet you wonder what the initials stand for. 112 00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:26,320 E.H. - it's Emily. Emily Howard. I have a lady's name because that's what I am. A lady. 113 00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:32,000 - Yeah. The pool's that way. - Thank you. Where are the changing rooms? 114 00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:34,800 The men's changing rooms are just over there. 115 00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:40,000 Oh, so you have changing rooms for men. Very good. And the ladies? 116 00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:45,200 Well, the ladies' change - which is for ladies only - is right next door. 117 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:48,000 Merci, monsieur! 118 00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:52,400 So men can't go in there! They get thrown out! 119 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:55,000 I should hope so! 120 00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:01,200 Thank you. I've found it. 121 00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:09,200 Ooh! 122 00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:23,600 Toys in Britain are sold in toy shops. 123 00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:26,320 This isn't a toy shop. It's a real shop. 124 00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:43,000 Hello! Looking for anything in particular? 125 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:49,000 Yes, do you have any pirate memory games suitable for children between 4 and 8? 126 00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:51,520 Eh, I'll just have a look. 127 00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:56,000 I can't see any here. One moment. 128 00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:59,920 Margaret? Margaret? 129 00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:15,720 - Yes? - A gentleman here wants pirate memory games. 130 00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:18,000 - Ages 4... - Ages 4 to 8. 131 00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:21,200 We should have some, up by the farm toys. 132 00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:26,200 Oh, yes. Here we are. 133 00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:30,520 Pieces of Eight. A pirate memory game. Ages 4 to 8. 134 00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:34,400 - Can I have a look? - There you go. 135 00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:37,920 "Match the pirates and find the treasure." 136 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:41,000 That all right for you? 137 00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:47,200 Have you got any other pirate memory games? 138 00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:50,400 - Em... - It's not quite what I had in mind. 139 00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:56,920 I can't see any here. One moment. 140 00:10:57,000 --> 00:11:00,800 - Margaret? Margaret? - What? 141 00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:04,000 - Have we got any other pirate memory games? - What? 142 00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:07,320 - Have we got any other pirate memory games? - No! 143 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:13,000 - That's the only one. What's wrong with that? - That's the only one. What's wrong with that? 144 00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:18,200 - I wanted something a little less pirate-y. - He wanted something a little less pirate-y! 145 00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:21,320 - Has he tried Simmons? - Have you tried Simmons? 146 00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:25,000 - Yes, I've just been there. - I don't know what to suggest. 147 00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:28,520 Is there a shop that specialises in pirate memory games? 148 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:32,600 Er, I'm not sure. Margaret'll know. One moment. 149 00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:38,800 Margaret? Margaret? Is there a shop that specialises in pirate memory games? 150 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:43,000 - Near here. - I don't think there are any in the local area! 151 00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:46,800 She doesn't think there are any in the local area. 152 00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:50,800 OK, I'll... I'll just wait. 153 00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:09,800 10 Downing Street is the home of the Prime Minister. 154 00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:15,000 The Prime Minister is, like, this guy who is, like, in charge of, like, the whole country. 155 00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:34,000 So it is with great reluctance that I have decided to accept the minister's resignation. 156 00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:38,600 - I'll take a few questions. - Boyd Hilton, "Smash Hits". 157 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:42,800 Prime Minister, do you admit the Foreign Secretary lied to the House? 158 00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:46,920 - I've answered that question already. Next. - Greg Davis, "Puzzler". 159 00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:51,600 - Have you appointed a replacement? - We'll make an announcement shortly. 160 00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:55,320 Angus Thomas, "Kerrang!". Who's next to go from your Cabinet? 161 00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:58,120 There will be no more resignations. 162 00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:02,600 Roy Sloan, "Whizzer and Chips". Have you lost your strongest ally? 163 00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:05,400 There is no rift in the Cabinet. 164 00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:10,600 - Andrew Jarman, "Dinosaur Magazine". - Sorry, I don't know that one. 165 00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:15,600 It's new. You get a free binder with Part One. You collect it over 24 weeks. 166 00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:19,600 It's everything you need to know about dinosaurs. 167 00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:21,800 Oh, yes? Go ahead. 168 00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:24,720 Oh, I'm sorry. I've forgotten the question. 169 00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:31,000 Roger Wakeley, "Asian Babes". Given your support of yet another disgraced minister, 170 00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:33,720 hasn't your position become untenable? 171 00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:37,400 - Certainly not. One more question. - George Paxton, "Daily Telegraph". 172 00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:40,800 Who's your favourite member of Westlife? 173 00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:44,800 Yes, a lot of stress knots in your ear. 174 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:49,720 Imagine a gang of children throwing stones at a pensioner. 175 00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:54,920 He is weeping softly as they lift him and put him into a wheelie bin. 176 00:13:56,520 --> 00:14:00,920 The wheelie bin is being pushed down a hill now and the children have let go. 177 00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:05,400 It's careering towards a busy road. 178 00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:08,400 Relax. 179 00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:13,200 (WHISTLING CHEERFULLY) 180 00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:19,000 If there's one thing that brings this country down, it's fat people. 181 00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:23,320 They're heavy, they're rude and in summer they smell. 182 00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:26,000 I know. Well, they're all the same. Yeah. 183 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:31,200 I'd better go. I've got my fat people round. All right. OK, bye. 184 00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:33,720 OK, sorry about that. 185 00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:37,600 So, welcome to "FatFighters". 186 00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:42,800 I've been looking forward to finding out how we're all doing in our fight against the flab. 187 00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:46,720 So let's start by going round the circle. Paul. 188 00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:50,200 Hello, I'm Paul. I'm three stone off my target weight. 189 00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:54,000 I'm Pat. I'm five stones and one pound off my target weight. 190 00:14:54,120 --> 00:14:58,000 My name is Meera and I am one stone off my target weight. 191 00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:01,600 And I am Marjorie and I am my target weight. 192 00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:06,520 OK, so it's a special day today at "FatFighters" 193 00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:10,320 because we have a new member! 194 00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:15,120 He is a new member. His name is Christopher Halliday. 195 00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:19,320 He's just turned 13 and he's got a little bit of a problem with food. 196 00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:22,400 Now, we're all friends here at "FatFighters" 197 00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:26,600 and I've promised his mum we're all going to be extra special nice to him. 198 00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:29,920 - Hello! - So, Chris... 199 00:15:30,120 --> 00:15:36,120 ...I hear they bully you at school. What do they say, Chris? What do they call you? 200 00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:38,600 - Fatty. - Fatty? 201 00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:42,200 Oh, that's awful. 202 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:46,000 - Not Fatty Bum Bum? - No. 203 00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:49,520 They don't go, "Ooh, Fatty Bum Bum"? No, just Fatty. 204 00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:53,400 The Incredible Bulk? 205 00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:56,120 Piggy? Pigs In Space! 206 00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:58,320 - No. - No. 207 00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:07,000 Oh! Chubby Checker? Fat Greedy Boy? 208 00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:10,400 - Cracker! - No. 209 00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:17,120 - They don't ALL make fun of me, you know. - No, but... the other ones will be thinking it. 210 00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:24,520 So, what advice can we give to Fatty Halliday about losing some of this excess weight? Paul? 211 00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:28,400 - Eat sensibly. - That's rich coming from you. Anyone else? 212 00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:33,520 - Don't eat too much chocolate. - What? Chocolate's the only friend he's got! 213 00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:35,920 - Meera? - Exercise. 214 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:37,720 - What? - Exercise. 215 00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:39,600 - Do it again. - Exercise. 216 00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:41,920 - Do it again. - Exercise! 217 00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:43,920 - One more? - Exercise! 218 00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:49,720 No, I'll tell you what you should be doing, Chris. Getting some exercise. That reminds me. 219 00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:52,800 A lot of hidden calories in curry. But exercise. 220 00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:56,720 Anything, really - football, jogging, football. 221 00:16:56,920 --> 00:17:01,320 I do 10 minutes of step aerobics every month and that's why I'm so thin. 222 00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:04,200 - You're not thin. You're fat. - I'm sorry? 223 00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:09,200 - He said you're fat. - I heard what he said! No name-calling here! 224 00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:13,400 Ooh! That hurt. That really did hurt. 225 00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:15,720 Ooh! Oh. 226 00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:17,920 Oh... 227 00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:22,000 No, it should be there. 228 00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:28,000 I know you're new, Christopher, but that's not how we do things at "FatFighters", all right? 229 00:17:28,120 --> 00:17:30,720 Right, we'll... We'll move on. 230 00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:33,320 We'll put it behind us. 231 00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:38,200 Our presentation topic today - Legal and Illegal Foods. 232 00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:41,400 Chrissy, want to give me a hand with the board? 233 00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:47,400 You ever do anything like that again, I'm gonna kill your mum. 234 00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:53,200 Back at 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister is meeting one of his aides. 235 00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:58,400 - Have the results of the opinion poll come? - I've got them right here, Prime Minister. 236 00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:00,920 What sort of things are people saying? 237 00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:05,920 Very happy with your work on Northern Ireland, strong approval on health service reforms 238 00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:08,400 and they'd like to see you in shorts. 239 00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:13,800 - Shorts? - Yeah. A pair of cycling shorts or something. 240 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:18,000 - Oh. - They like your tough stance on crime. 241 00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:23,400 And they like it when your hair's a bit wet, 'cause you look kind of soppy, Prime Minister. 242 00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:27,920 - They'd like to see you wrestle a man. - I'm sorry? 243 00:18:28,120 --> 00:18:33,400 Bosnia good, education could do better, wrestling men I've covered... 244 00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:37,520 - Can I have a look at them? - Yeah, just right here. 245 00:18:37,720 --> 00:18:41,720 Now, Railtrack. Oh, you've got an eyelash. Stay still. 246 00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:45,120 Make a wish! 247 00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:51,600 Darling, there's your suit for the Treasury dinner. We're running very late. Change here. 248 00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:54,600 - Thank you, darling. - Have you seen my earrings? 249 00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:58,120 I don't know. Which ones? You do know Sebastian? 250 00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:01,800 - Hello, Sebastian. - Hi (!) 251 00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:07,800 - Sorry. We're having a meeting here! - Have you tried the bathroom? 252 00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:10,600 Now, don't be long. 253 00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:14,200 - See you later, darling. - I'm not going. 254 00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:17,400 - I was talking to my wife. - Bye, Sebastian. 255 00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:19,400 Whatever (!) 256 00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:24,520 So, anyway, um... Oh, God! I've completely forgotten what I was gonna say! 257 00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:30,800 - Thanks for coming in. I should get changed. - Yes, of course. Of course. 258 00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:36,800 - And you'll speak to the Foreign Secretary? - I'll get straight onto it, Prime Minister. 259 00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:48,200 Oh, yes, can you approve the budget overspend by first thing on Monday 260 00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:51,200 because it's quite... big? 261 00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:57,800 - Yes, Sebastian. Now, if you don't mind... - Quick, Prime Minister! Get down! 262 00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:01,400 - What's going on? - I thought there was a sniper. 263 00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:04,520 - Where? - By the window, but there isn't. 264 00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:11,200 Can we get up now? 265 00:20:11,320 --> 00:20:14,000 Give it a minute. 266 00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:19,600 Darling, isn't it time you got rid of Sebastian? 267 00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:24,120 It's late noon in Britain's capital city. 268 00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:27,720 Come on. We'll give you half-price. 269 00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:32,200 Theatrical agent Jeremy Rent receives a visit from one of his clients. 270 00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:37,000 - Dennis Waterman's arrived. - Excellent news. Send him in. 271 00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:42,520 - Hello! - Dennis! 272 00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:45,320 Lovely to see you, dear heart. Do take a seat. 273 00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:57,520 How does this grab you? Comedy drama, Granada. June, July, maybe August. Depends. 274 00:20:57,720 --> 00:21:02,720 It's a lead. You play John, escaped convict. He's on the run, he wins the Lottery. 275 00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:07,000 - Lucky Runnings. Miriam Margolyes... - The fat one? 276 00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:08,920 - Yes. - I like her. 277 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:12,800 - Pete Davison. - Off the telly?! 278 00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:15,600 Les Grantham, Ru Madoc, Dave Yip. 279 00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:18,600 It's a nice one, Den. The scripts are good. 280 00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:22,800 - Ooh, they're heavy! - And the money's great. 281 00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:29,120 That's nice. So they want me to star in it, write the theme tune, sing the theme tune? 282 00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:31,600 No, I think they just want you to be in it. 283 00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:34,800 Someone else is writing it, but I'll sing it? 284 00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:37,600 No, they seem to have that one all sorted out. 285 00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:41,800 Now, why don't I give them a ring 286 00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:46,520 and we can let them know that you've had the... You all right, Dennis? 287 00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:50,200 - Not doing it! - Why not? 288 00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:54,200 Don't want to. It's rubbish. Scripts are stoo-pid! 289 00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:59,000 You haven't even read them yet! 290 00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:00,800 Dennis? 291 00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:06,600 Yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes 292 00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:10,920 Do-do-do-do 293 00:22:11,120 --> 00:22:15,320 Can't escape from the past 294 00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:18,600 295 00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:24,400 Dennis, this insistence of yours on always writing and singing the theme tune 296 00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:26,720 really isn't doing you any favours. 297 00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:29,720 So give up acting and concentrate on singing? 298 00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:34,720 No! Dennis! You could have been in the new Indiana Jones film! As his brother! 299 00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:37,200 You know who that part went to? Ralph Fiennes. 300 00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:40,000 - He's no singer! - (PHONE RINGS) 301 00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:45,120 Excuse me. Hello? It's the Indiana Jones people. Really? 302 00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:50,200 Ralph Fiennes has been decapitated in a stunt! Yes, Dennis IS still available. 303 00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:54,320 - Let me speak to them! - He's right here. I'll just pass you over. 304 00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:58,600 Hello? 305 00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:00,520 Yes, I'm fine. 306 00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:03,720 307 00:23:03,920 --> 00:23:05,320 Hello? 308 00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:10,600 Working-class people in Britain are stored in buildings like these. 309 00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:33,720 - Is that you, Gary? - I brought a mate. Jason, my sister Julie. 310 00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:36,720 - Hello. - This is me mum. 311 00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:39,920 - How do you do? - And this is my nan. 312 00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:42,320 Hell-o! 313 00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:45,000 (ROMANTIC MUSIC) 314 00:23:46,920 --> 00:23:49,320 I'll put the kettle on, shall I? 315 00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:58,000 So... Nan, you smell nice. What is it? 316 00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:02,920 - Murray Mints. - Haven't seen you around. 317 00:24:03,120 --> 00:24:06,920 - Where do you normally hang out? - The day centre. 318 00:24:07,120 --> 00:24:09,720 Must check it out. 319 00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:15,920 - Anyone told you you've got beautiful teeth? - They're not mine! 320 00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:18,320 - Maureen? - Yes, Mum? 321 00:24:18,520 --> 00:24:23,120 - Will you take me to the loo? - I'm just making the tea, Mum. 322 00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:27,800 - Julie, take your nan to the toilet. - It's OK! I'll do it. 323 00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:31,320 Up we get. 324 00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:38,400 Oh, sorry. I thought that was your elbow. 325 00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:52,000 Yes, I've just found some stress knots here in the perineum which I'm going to work on. 326 00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:56,200 And, tell you what, why don't you have a little nap? 327 00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:59,400 I'll sing you a lullaby as you drift off. 328 00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:02,600 329 00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:05,400 330 00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:08,120 331 00:25:08,320 --> 00:25:10,720 332 00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:13,800 333 00:25:13,920 --> 00:25:18,120 334 00:25:19,120 --> 00:25:21,720 Jonathan, are you asleep? 335 00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:30,000 Meanwhile, in the small Welsh mining village of Llandewi Breffi lies this charming little pub. 336 00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:34,600 With its original slate roof and delightful period features, 337 00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:37,120 it truly is a joy to behold. 338 00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:40,400 Ah, look at that. It really is a beauty. 339 00:25:40,600 --> 00:25:43,000 It's what Britain's all about. 340 00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:51,520 - Can I have a Bacardi and Coke, Myfanwy? - Coming right up. 341 00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:55,720 - Bloody hell, Myfanwy, I'm so down. - Why is that, Daffyd? 342 00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:58,400 I'm the only gay in this village. 343 00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:02,000 I dream of the day I can meet other gays who know what it's like. 344 00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:07,000 I was going to tell you. I was talking to old Ma Evans 345 00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:12,400 and she's taken in a lodger from Cardiff. And guess what - he is a gay! 346 00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:14,600 I don't think so! 347 00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:19,600 No, apparently he is. I told old Ma Evans to send him over here so you can meet him. 348 00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:25,120 I'll be very surprised if he is a gay. Everybody knows I am the only gay in this village. 349 00:26:25,200 --> 00:26:27,600 This must be him. 350 00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:31,000 Hiya! Can I have a Bacardi and Coke, please? 351 00:26:31,200 --> 00:26:35,000 - What an effeminate drink! - Oh, you must be Daffyd! 352 00:26:35,120 --> 00:26:37,200 There you are. 353 00:26:38,800 --> 00:26:41,600 I'll... leave you boys to it. 354 00:26:41,720 --> 00:26:45,400 It's such a shame I am the only gay in this village. 355 00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:48,400 - Oh, I'm a gay. - I don't think so! 356 00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:53,520 No, I bloody am, you know. Old Ma Evans said you were the only gay in this village. 357 00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:56,200 Now you're not. Now there's two of us. 358 00:26:56,400 --> 00:27:00,800 All right, if you're a gay, who played Dorothy in "The Wizard of Oz"? 359 00:27:00,920 --> 00:27:03,520 - (BOTH) Judy Garland. - How did you know?! 360 00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:08,600 - It's easy. Everyone knows that. - Right, this'll sort the gays from the not gays. 361 00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:12,000 Who is the gay character in "Are You Being Served?"? 362 00:27:12,120 --> 00:27:16,200 - (ALL) Mr Humphries! - Was it? 363 00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:22,200 That's very subtle, then. I always thought it was Captain Peacock. He has the moustache. 364 00:27:23,200 --> 00:27:27,200 I seem to have passed your gay test, so I must be gay. 365 00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:30,720 No, you're probably just a little bit poofy! 366 00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:35,320 - I am a gay! I've had sex with men! - More than you've had, Daffyd. 367 00:27:35,400 --> 00:27:39,800 Shut up, Myfanwy! I am the only gay man in this village! 368 00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:45,800 - Well, maybe I should go. - Yes! We have one gay. We don't need another. 369 00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:48,400 Well, goodbye, then. 370 00:27:51,800 --> 00:27:56,600 Daffyd Thomas, you stupid man! You could have had a bit of cock there! 371 00:27:57,800 --> 00:28:02,920 "I am the only gay man in this village" (!) You're full of shit, you! 372 00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:08,200 That's exactly the kind of homophobic attitude I've come to expect in this village! Good day! 373 00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:22,120 lan? 374 00:28:22,320 --> 00:28:24,920 We're gonna need another box. 375 00:28:32,800 --> 00:28:37,400 If you have enjoyed this programme, there is a fact sheet available 376 00:28:37,520 --> 00:28:43,320 which accompanies the series, containing recipes from the show, quizzes, knitting patterns 377 00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:46,520 and pornographic pictures I've drawn of myself. 378 00:28:47,520 --> 00:28:49,520 Goodbinel 379 00:28:55,000 --> 00:29:00,000 subs by W-O-R-S-T 380 00:29:01,920 --> 00:29:04,800 .:: Napisy24 - Nowy Wymiar Napisów ::. Napisy24.pl