1
00:00:02,306 --> 00:00:05,135
Okay, gas, electric, and cable

2
00:00:05,179 --> 00:00:07,224
comes out to $219.34.

3
00:00:07,268 --> 00:00:08,486
Jessica?

4
00:00:08,530 --> 00:00:10,184
Do you have anything
to contribute?

5
00:00:10,227 --> 00:00:13,187
Here we go.They're not all legal tenders,

6
00:00:13,230 --> 00:00:15,102
but they have value, like...Sure.

7
00:00:15,145 --> 00:00:16,886
That's $5.00.
$5.00.

8
00:00:16,929 --> 00:00:18,279
Library card.

9
00:00:18,322 --> 00:00:20,281
Library's not just
for books anymore.
Mm-hmm.

10
00:00:20,324 --> 00:00:21,760
Library card.Also, you can check out
compact discs.

11
00:00:21,804 --> 00:00:23,675
What else?
This is a fortune.
Um, yeah.

12
00:00:23,719 --> 00:00:26,243
"You are lucky and success."
How ironic.

13
00:00:26,287 --> 00:00:28,724
That's going right to the
gas company. "Paid in full."

14
00:00:28,767 --> 00:00:30,465
Jess, we can't keep
covering for you.

15
00:00:30,508 --> 00:00:32,075
Yes. I understand.

16
00:00:32,119 --> 00:00:33,250
It's just that, um...

17
00:00:33,294 --> 00:00:35,209
recently I went through a,
uh, life change

18
00:00:35,252 --> 00:00:36,471
where I was fired.

19
00:00:36,514 --> 00:00:37,776
Maybe I can borrow

20
00:00:37,820 --> 00:00:41,693
the money from my
good friend... Winston?

21
00:00:41,737 --> 00:00:44,087
You know, I really wish
I could, Jess, but, uh...

22
00:00:44,131 --> 00:00:46,307
I'm a single man now,
so basically I have to be able

23
00:00:46,350 --> 00:00:50,224
to trick women into thinking
that I can buy them stuff.

24
00:00:50,267 --> 00:00:51,268
NICK:
Okay!

25
00:00:51,312 --> 00:00:53,705
Here is my share...

26
00:00:53,749 --> 00:00:56,317
to the penny.

27
00:00:56,360 --> 00:00:58,275
Yeah! I'm not the poorest!

28
00:00:58,319 --> 00:00:59,972
Second poorest.
Now you're the poorest.

29
00:01:00,016 --> 00:01:01,539
That's gotta be rock bottom.Yeah, I got it.

30
00:01:01,583 --> 00:01:02,888
You know what?
I'm shutting off the gas

31
00:01:02,932 --> 00:01:03,976
until you can get me the money.

32
00:01:04,020 --> 00:01:05,282
What?What are you talking about?

33
00:01:05,326 --> 00:01:07,241
Don't scapegoat me.I just gave you my money.

34
00:01:07,284 --> 00:01:08,764
That's called tough love,
all right?

35
00:01:08,807 --> 00:01:10,287
No more handouts.

36
00:01:10,331 --> 00:01:11,506
Now, what are you
going to do about it?

37
00:01:11,549 --> 00:01:13,290
How are you gonna
pay the gas bill?

38
00:01:13,334 --> 00:01:14,552
I don't know.NICK:
I've got an idea.

39
00:01:14,596 --> 00:01:15,814
Get a job.

40
00:01:15,858 --> 00:01:17,164
The school year's
already started.

41
00:01:17,207 --> 00:01:18,382
I have a lot of
decisions to make

42
00:01:18,426 --> 00:01:19,818
as far as my résumé
is concerned.

43
00:01:19,862 --> 00:01:21,298
I have to choose a font,

44
00:01:21,342 --> 00:01:23,300
spacing, columns...

45
00:01:23,344 --> 00:01:25,346
Okay, just update
your résumé, you ninny.

46
00:01:25,389 --> 00:01:27,130
Did you call me a ninny?
NICK:
Yeah, I called you a ninny,

47
00:01:27,174 --> 00:01:29,176
'cause you're acting
like a ninny, you ninny!

48
00:01:29,219 --> 00:01:31,178
Don't call me a ninny,
I'm PMSing!

49
00:01:31,221 --> 00:01:32,744
Ah! Why would
you... yucky!No, no, no.

50
00:01:32,788 --> 00:01:34,137
I don't want to hear it.It hurts.

51
00:01:34,181 --> 00:01:35,182
I feel like I've
laid a million eggs

52
00:01:35,225 --> 00:01:36,357
and they're all hatching.

53
00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:38,359
I feel like I
want to murder someone,

54
00:01:38,402 --> 00:01:40,317
and also I want
soft pretzels.

55
00:01:40,361 --> 00:01:41,840
You know what?
I feel the same way.

56
00:01:41,884 --> 00:01:43,407
Shut up!
Shut up, you!

57
00:01:43,451 --> 00:01:45,366
'Cause I don't want to hear it!

58
00:01:45,409 --> 00:01:46,280
I've had it!

59
00:01:46,323 --> 00:01:47,585
If any of you cross me,

60
00:01:47,629 --> 00:01:50,414
I'm gonna kick the testicles
clean off your body!

61
00:01:50,458 --> 00:01:53,156
Clean off! You'll look like
Ken dolls down there.

62
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,158
Because that's where
I'm at right now.

63
00:01:55,202 --> 00:01:57,334
Now which one of you guys

64
00:01:57,378 --> 00:02:01,077
wants to tell me to get a job?

65
00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:02,383
Hmm?

66
00:02:02,426 --> 00:02:06,300
Who wants to look me in the face

67
00:02:06,343 --> 00:02:09,303
and tell me to get a job?

68
00:02:09,346 --> 00:02:11,261
Whatever.

69
00:02:12,349 --> 00:02:13,437
"Whatever?"

70
00:02:13,481 --> 00:02:15,309
What does that mean, huh?Whatever.

71
00:02:15,352 --> 00:02:17,746
It better mean,
"Whatever you say, Jess."

72
00:02:17,789 --> 00:02:20,183
I don't think it's fair
that women have an excuse

73
00:02:20,227 --> 00:02:22,403
once a month to act
irrationally angry

74
00:02:22,446 --> 00:02:24,535
when the rest of us have to
keep it together all the time.

75
00:02:24,579 --> 00:02:26,407
You're irrationally angry

76
00:02:26,450 --> 00:02:28,191
365 days a year, Nick.

77
00:02:28,235 --> 00:02:29,453
What are you talking about?

78
00:02:31,586 --> 00:02:33,370
I will push if I want to push!

79
00:02:33,414 --> 00:02:35,024
Come on!

80
00:02:35,067 --> 00:02:37,244
[grunting]

81
00:02:37,287 --> 00:02:39,071
I hate doors!

82
00:02:39,115 --> 00:02:40,769
Really? Well, that's just
your personal opinion,

83
00:02:40,812 --> 00:02:42,205
'cause I don't
have anger issues.

84
00:02:42,249 --> 00:02:43,554
You guys think
I have anger issues?

85
00:02:43,598 --> 00:02:45,252
Well, I mean, I wouldn't
exactly call it an issue.

86
00:02:45,295 --> 00:02:47,123
An issue is something
you can fix.

87
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:48,385
Been that way
since I can remember.

88
00:02:50,300 --> 00:02:52,215
This is some
watered-down nonsense.

89
00:02:52,259 --> 00:02:54,478
You're some no-good shysters!

90
00:02:57,307 --> 00:02:59,875
On a related note, I've just
decided to take a walk.

91
00:03:00,876 --> 00:03:02,182
Fine! Leave!

92
00:03:03,313 --> 00:03:05,489
Now, if you'll excuse me,
gentlemen,

93
00:03:05,533 --> 00:03:07,274
I'm gonna go get a job,
like it's my...

94
00:03:07,317 --> 00:03:08,449
Job?Shut up!

95
00:03:08,492 --> 00:03:10,886
♪ Who's that girl?

96
00:03:10,929 --> 00:03:12,975
♪ Who's that girl?♪♪ It's Jess.

97
00:03:24,334 --> 00:03:26,467
Please don't do that, sir.
Please.

98
00:03:26,510 --> 00:03:28,686
I would love to sit
by myself right now.

99
00:03:30,340 --> 00:03:32,821
There's something real
creepy about you, pal.

100
00:03:32,864 --> 00:03:35,302
You want to get weird?
Let's get weird.

101
00:03:40,307 --> 00:03:42,700
You got a nice face.

102
00:03:42,744 --> 00:03:44,485
[sighs]

103
00:03:44,528 --> 00:03:45,660
An anger problem?

104
00:03:45,703 --> 00:03:47,488
Living with them?
Are you kidding me?

105
00:03:47,531 --> 00:03:48,445
It's frustrating.

106
00:03:48,489 --> 00:03:49,925
It's like...
just get a job.

107
00:03:49,968 --> 00:03:51,361
I like your hat.

108
00:03:51,405 --> 00:03:52,493
I like how it's not
a team or a logo,

109
00:03:52,536 --> 00:03:54,146
it's just blue.

110
00:03:54,190 --> 00:03:57,019
Would you rather be covered
in fish scales or feathers?

111
00:03:59,326 --> 00:04:00,414
[laughing]:
Scales?

112
00:04:00,457 --> 00:04:01,676
Why, you weirdo?

113
00:04:01,719 --> 00:04:04,853
You want to see me
jump really high?

114
00:04:04,896 --> 00:04:06,550
Ha! Ah ha![laughing]

115
00:04:06,594 --> 00:04:08,596
I'm afraid of dying, man.

116
00:04:10,989 --> 00:04:12,295
Who am I?!

117
00:04:12,339 --> 00:04:14,210
The enemy is en-e-my.

118
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:17,431
The enemy is
the inner me.

119
00:04:17,474 --> 00:04:19,389
[laughs]
Can you understand
a word I'm saying?

120
00:04:19,433 --> 00:04:21,304
You just nod at everything.

121
00:04:21,348 --> 00:04:23,306
I need to change.

122
00:04:23,350 --> 00:04:24,307
And you've showed me that.

123
00:04:24,351 --> 00:04:26,962
I have an anger problem.

124
00:04:27,005 --> 00:04:28,355
Thank you.

125
00:04:28,398 --> 00:04:29,399
Can I get a hug?

126
00:04:33,969 --> 00:04:35,318
I've got a story for you guys.Ooh.

127
00:04:35,362 --> 00:04:37,364
I met someone at work.

128
00:04:38,408 --> 00:04:39,409
Emma Sharpe.

129
00:04:39,453 --> 00:04:40,758
Divisional VP of
all North America.

130
00:04:40,802 --> 00:04:42,325
Wh-What are you doing
in the break room?

131
00:04:42,369 --> 00:04:44,371
This break room is in
North America, isn't it?

132
00:04:44,414 --> 00:04:47,417
Sure.
That means I'm
the Vice President of it.

133
00:04:51,465 --> 00:04:56,252
I am the Vice President
of everything in North America.

134
00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:58,036
That sounds like...
sexual harassment.

135
00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:00,125
Robby, there's a fine line
between sexual harassment

136
00:05:00,169 --> 00:05:02,432
and something awesome.I thought you hated
your co-workers.

137
00:05:02,476 --> 00:05:04,521
You said they were a bunch of...Pant-suited corporate
She-Hulks?

138
00:05:04,565 --> 00:05:05,827
Yeah, I know what I said.

139
00:05:05,870 --> 00:05:08,525
Emma is the craziest woman
to ever hit on me.

140
00:05:08,569 --> 00:05:10,527
ROBBY:
Schmidt, you're
such a nice guy.

141
00:05:10,571 --> 00:05:12,399
Thank you.What you deserve is
a girl who respects you.

142
00:05:12,442 --> 00:05:13,878
You know? A nice girl.Mm-hmm.

143
00:05:13,922 --> 00:05:15,793
I'm not into the nice thing,
Robby. Doesn't do it for me.

144
00:05:15,837 --> 00:05:17,404
Well, that's what
I thought, too.
Yeah.

145
00:05:17,447 --> 00:05:19,493
You know, until I found, uh...
this one right here.

146
00:05:21,233 --> 00:05:22,365
You mean Cece?

147
00:05:22,409 --> 00:05:24,802
You think that I'm... nice?

148
00:05:24,846 --> 00:05:26,151
No.

149
00:05:26,195 --> 00:05:28,066
I think you're the nicest.

150
00:05:28,110 --> 00:05:29,720
Mm.
Hmm.

151
00:05:29,764 --> 00:05:32,332
Robby![laughs]

152
00:05:35,639 --> 00:05:36,510
Yes, the man just left.

153
00:05:36,553 --> 00:05:38,381
And he turned off the gas.

154
00:05:38,425 --> 00:05:40,078
Yeah, I'm refusing to
pay my gas bill

155
00:05:40,122 --> 00:05:41,297
as a matter of principle.

156
00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:42,429
You'd like me to
take the survey?

157
00:05:42,472 --> 00:05:43,821
Of course I'll
take the survey.

158
00:05:43,865 --> 00:05:45,388
Schmidt?
Yeah, hold on.

159
00:05:45,432 --> 00:05:47,172
Can I share something
with you, man to man?

160
00:05:47,216 --> 00:05:49,566
Oh. I'm...

161
00:05:49,610 --> 00:05:50,828
[tinny music plays]

162
00:05:50,872 --> 00:05:52,439
You have to promise me
you will not laugh.

163
00:05:52,482 --> 00:05:54,441
Look, I'm... you're not
talking to Nick, here.

164
00:05:54,484 --> 00:05:55,572
Talking to Schmidt.

165
00:05:55,616 --> 00:05:56,660
Schmidt, I think
I'm getting my period.

166
00:06:00,621 --> 00:06:02,579
Okay.

167
00:06:02,623 --> 00:06:04,538
This is a real thing, okay?
I looked it up on the Internet.

168
00:06:04,581 --> 00:06:06,627
It's called, uh,
"sympathy PMS," right?

169
00:06:06,670 --> 00:06:07,758
Now, apparently this
is an affliction

170
00:06:07,802 --> 00:06:09,499
that men suffer from
all the time.

171
00:06:09,543 --> 00:06:10,500
Right on.

172
00:06:10,544 --> 00:06:12,284
I don't know
how it happened, man,

173
00:06:12,328 --> 00:06:16,550
but somehow, I got on that
woman's cycle of menstruation...

174
00:06:16,593 --> 00:06:18,639
and I got that menstruation
inside of me.

175
00:06:18,682 --> 00:06:19,770
Winston!

176
00:06:19,814 --> 00:06:21,642
Men can't get their periods.

177
00:06:21,685 --> 00:06:22,599
Where would they
put the tampon?

178
00:06:22,643 --> 00:06:24,035
Hey! Are you calling me stupid?

179
00:06:24,079 --> 00:06:25,428
You're the one
that's stupid, okay?

180
00:06:25,472 --> 00:06:26,690
You jack-faced butthole!

181
00:06:26,734 --> 00:06:27,909
JESS:
Who's the jack-faced butthole

182
00:06:27,952 --> 00:06:29,606
who turned off the hot water?!

183
00:06:29,650 --> 00:06:31,129
Witch!
What have you done to my body?

184
00:06:31,173 --> 00:06:32,479
Shut up, you!

185
00:06:32,522 --> 00:06:33,871
Why is there no hot water?!

186
00:06:33,915 --> 00:06:35,264
Oh, I'm sorry, Jess.

187
00:06:35,307 --> 00:06:36,265
If you don't pay,
you don't play.

188
00:06:36,308 --> 00:06:37,832
You also don't shower.

189
00:06:37,875 --> 00:06:39,050
Are you serious?

190
00:06:39,094 --> 00:06:40,661
Thank you, Denise.
NICK:
Hey, hey!

191
00:06:40,704 --> 00:06:41,618
Hey, great buddies.

192
00:06:41,662 --> 00:06:42,837
Ow, my skin!
Okay.

193
00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:45,143
Roommates... hey, buddy.Don't poke me.

194
00:06:45,187 --> 00:06:48,233
Something wonderful
happened to me today,

195
00:06:48,277 --> 00:06:50,497
and I am no longer angry.
It's gone.

196
00:06:50,540 --> 00:06:52,150
Oh, shut up, Nick.[laughs]

197
00:06:52,194 --> 00:06:53,456
So let me get this straight:

198
00:06:53,500 --> 00:06:54,588
nothing at all's
going to set you off?

199
00:06:54,631 --> 00:06:55,502
That's right.

200
00:06:55,545 --> 00:06:57,068
Nothing's gonna get to me,

201
00:06:57,112 --> 00:06:58,330
'cause it's a new Nick Miller.

202
00:06:58,374 --> 00:07:00,550
Awesome. Hey, Winston,
tell him what you have.

203
00:07:00,594 --> 00:07:02,639
Sympathy PMS.
It's a real thing,
I looked it up.

204
00:07:02,683 --> 00:07:04,336
Sympathy PMS?
What's that?
JESS:
No!

205
00:07:04,380 --> 00:07:05,512
PMS is mine!

206
00:07:05,555 --> 00:07:07,383
Stop stealing my stuff, Winston.

207
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:08,471
You're telling me you're having

208
00:07:08,515 --> 00:07:09,690
a pre-menstrual
something right now?

209
00:07:09,733 --> 00:07:11,474
Yes.
Okay.

210
00:07:11,518 --> 00:07:13,345
It's like a character
in a Judy Blume novel.

211
00:07:13,389 --> 00:07:14,303
No! You can't have my menzies.

212
00:07:14,346 --> 00:07:15,522
He's got her menzies.

213
00:07:15,565 --> 00:07:16,740
No part of this conversation

214
00:07:16,784 --> 00:07:18,481
is making me want to
boil over with rage.

215
00:07:18,525 --> 00:07:21,571
I feel really good, guys.

216
00:07:21,615 --> 00:07:23,747
[water running]

217
00:07:23,791 --> 00:07:26,315
Hey gang, why is
the water so cold?

218
00:07:26,358 --> 00:07:27,882
Schmidt turned off
the hot water,

219
00:07:27,925 --> 00:07:29,361
because it's not enough that
I have to go on an interview

220
00:07:29,405 --> 00:07:30,362
with the red devil in my belly,

221
00:07:30,406 --> 00:07:32,408
I also have to go unshowered.

222
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:34,410
So let me get this straight:
there's no hot water
in the whole house?

223
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:35,846
Yeah.
[chuckles]

224
00:07:35,890 --> 00:07:36,891
Seems strange.

225
00:07:36,934 --> 00:07:38,588
Maybe a cold shower
will wake you up

226
00:07:38,632 --> 00:07:40,590
to some harsh financial
realities, Jessica Day.

227
00:07:40,634 --> 00:07:43,506
You don't control my heat,
Theodore P. Gasbag.

228
00:07:43,550 --> 00:07:44,638
NICK:
This is good!

229
00:07:44,681 --> 00:07:45,552
We got a lot of
feelings going around.

230
00:07:45,595 --> 00:07:46,553
A lot of anger.

231
00:07:46,596 --> 00:07:48,119
And you. You...

232
00:07:48,163 --> 00:07:49,512
You're suddenly calm?

233
00:07:49,556 --> 00:07:50,818
Yeah.
Really?

234
00:07:50,861 --> 00:07:53,429
It feels like a fat man's
sitting on my uterus.

235
00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:54,430
I hear that.

236
00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:56,693
[yelling]

237
00:07:56,737 --> 00:07:58,086
Gonna go to the store!

238
00:07:58,129 --> 00:07:59,304
Does anybody want anything?!

239
00:07:59,348 --> 00:08:01,481
Thank you, Denise.

240
00:08:03,657 --> 00:08:04,658
Hey, you wanted to see me?

241
00:08:04,701 --> 00:08:06,747
Shut the door.

242
00:08:06,790 --> 00:08:08,531
Whoa.

243
00:08:08,575 --> 00:08:10,707
Quick reflexes. Good.

244
00:08:10,751 --> 00:08:14,537
I am going to devour you.

245
00:08:14,581 --> 00:08:16,408
You see that contract?Oh, the thick one?

246
00:08:16,452 --> 00:08:18,454
With all those tabbies?

247
00:08:20,456 --> 00:08:21,544
Do me on it.

248
00:08:21,588 --> 00:08:23,067
Pick that up.

249
00:08:23,111 --> 00:08:25,722
Did you just ask me to pick
it up to see me bend over?

250
00:08:25,766 --> 00:08:26,767
No.

251
00:08:26,810 --> 00:08:29,944
Oh, wait, I'm doing it.

252
00:08:29,987 --> 00:08:31,336
Stand up.

253
00:08:31,380 --> 00:08:32,642
[sighs]

254
00:08:32,686 --> 00:08:33,817
What is this thing?

255
00:08:33,861 --> 00:08:34,949
You're gonna have to sign it

256
00:08:34,992 --> 00:08:35,906
before anything
can happen between us.

257
00:08:35,950 --> 00:08:37,342
"Party A
absolves Party B

258
00:08:37,386 --> 00:08:39,562
"of any
psychological trauma,

259
00:08:39,606 --> 00:08:41,738
whether temporary, permanent,
future or imagined."

260
00:08:41,782 --> 00:08:43,566
After we do what we do,
you're gonna want to talk.

261
00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:44,828
I can't allow that.

262
00:08:44,872 --> 00:08:46,613
The less risk I incur,
the more I can focus on

263
00:08:46,656 --> 00:08:49,659
creating a viable sexual
experience for both of us.

264
00:08:49,703 --> 00:08:51,574
You're gonna want
to sign it.

265
00:08:51,618 --> 00:08:53,576
"Possible exposure
to lead paint."

266
00:08:53,620 --> 00:08:55,796
Do I have a
latex allergy?

267
00:08:55,839 --> 00:08:56,840
That's very important.

268
00:08:56,884 --> 00:08:58,581
"Guaranteed
mercury poisoning"?

269
00:08:58,625 --> 00:08:59,495
Mm.

270
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:00,322
Is this real?

271
00:09:02,324 --> 00:09:04,892
You have till week's end
to sign it.

272
00:09:06,415 --> 00:09:07,634
What is your name?!

273
00:09:07,677 --> 00:09:09,505
I can't keep
thinking of you

274
00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:11,420
as my magical best
friend with no name.

275
00:09:11,463 --> 00:09:14,075
Joe. Tommy.

276
00:09:14,118 --> 00:09:16,599
Louis. Tran.

277
00:09:16,643 --> 00:09:19,036
Is it Tran?

278
00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:20,690
[laughs]

279
00:09:20,734 --> 00:09:21,822
What a crazy guess!

280
00:09:21,865 --> 00:09:23,824
Beautiful name.
Fits you perfectly.

281
00:09:23,867 --> 00:09:26,696
My roommates
are killing me.

282
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:30,482
Fine, you're right.

283
00:09:30,526 --> 00:09:31,788
Okay, I like
them, all right?

284
00:09:31,832 --> 00:09:33,442
I hate myself. Is that
what you want me to say?

285
00:09:33,485 --> 00:09:36,445
Why do you always have to
make everything so simple?!

286
00:09:36,488 --> 00:09:38,055
How do you
just get it?

287
00:09:38,099 --> 00:09:39,448
How do I become you?

288
00:09:39,491 --> 00:09:41,319
Show me the way, man.
I'll do anything.

289
00:09:44,279 --> 00:09:46,237
[groans]

290
00:09:46,281 --> 00:09:47,674
All right,
man, I'm in.

291
00:09:47,717 --> 00:09:50,415
You lead, my man.

292
00:09:50,459 --> 00:09:53,288
All right, whatever is about
to happen's gonna happen.

293
00:10:10,958 --> 00:10:13,743
Jessica Day?

294
00:10:13,787 --> 00:10:15,571
So why do you want
to teach adults?

295
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:18,052
I think it's really inspiring
that these people have chosen

296
00:10:18,095 --> 00:10:19,488
to go back to school,
you know,

297
00:10:19,531 --> 00:10:21,664
that they want to read
To Kill A Mockingbird,

298
00:10:21,708 --> 00:10:22,534
that they want...
Oh!

299
00:10:22,578 --> 00:10:25,015
I named my dog Boo after...

300
00:10:25,059 --> 00:10:26,538
After Boo Radley?

301
00:10:26,582 --> 00:10:28,062
Exactly.That's amazing.

302
00:10:28,105 --> 00:10:28,845
Oh, my God.

303
00:10:28,889 --> 00:10:30,107
She was a puppy.

304
00:10:30,151 --> 00:10:31,500
She's so cute.

305
00:10:31,543 --> 00:10:32,457
I know.

306
00:10:32,501 --> 00:10:34,198
Such a cutie.

307
00:10:36,897 --> 00:10:38,507
[sniffles]

308
00:10:42,119 --> 00:10:43,512
[sniffles]

309
00:10:43,555 --> 00:10:46,863
[voice breaking]:
This cup is so tiny.

310
00:10:46,907 --> 00:10:49,170
So cute.

311
00:10:49,213 --> 00:10:50,911
Sorry, how did
she fit in the cup?

312
00:10:50,954 --> 00:10:52,477
I just don't understand.

313
00:10:52,521 --> 00:10:55,393
Just physically,
how did she get so small?

314
00:10:55,437 --> 00:10:58,309
I'm sorry, um...

315
00:10:58,353 --> 00:10:59,789
I'm sorry, I got this...

316
00:10:59,833 --> 00:11:01,399
I don't know what's wrong.

317
00:11:01,443 --> 00:11:02,487
So weird.

318
00:11:02,531 --> 00:11:04,707
Never happens to me.

319
00:11:04,751 --> 00:11:05,752
She's really cute.

320
00:11:05,795 --> 00:11:07,144
Yes, she was.

321
00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:15,631
Did she die?

322
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:16,719
It's fine.

323
00:11:16,763 --> 00:11:17,764
It's been two years.

324
00:11:17,807 --> 00:11:20,636
[sputters]

325
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,159
[sobbing]

326
00:11:25,946 --> 00:11:29,950
[sobbing]:
Puppy...

327
00:11:29,993 --> 00:11:32,909
in a...

328
00:11:32,953 --> 00:11:34,824
cup.

329
00:11:34,868 --> 00:11:37,000
[sobbing]

330
00:11:37,044 --> 00:11:38,567
[sniffles]

331
00:11:38,610 --> 00:11:39,916
So... [chuckles]

332
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:42,353
we're both dog people, right?

333
00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:50,100
Schmidt, am I nice?

334
00:11:50,144 --> 00:11:52,276
No.
Thank you.

335
00:11:53,582 --> 00:11:55,366
Nobody thinks
I'm a nice girl, okay?

336
00:11:55,410 --> 00:11:56,411
I'm the mistake.

337
00:11:56,454 --> 00:11:57,891
Ah, Robby.

338
00:11:57,934 --> 00:12:00,763
Midwestern heart,
Midwestern body.

339
00:12:00,807 --> 00:12:01,982
I'm the one
who messes things up.

340
00:12:02,025 --> 00:12:03,070
I agree with you.

341
00:12:03,113 --> 00:12:04,767
I feel like
he doesn't even know me.

342
00:12:04,811 --> 00:12:06,813
[groans]

343
00:12:06,856 --> 00:12:08,379
You're getting your smell
all over the comforter.

344
00:12:08,423 --> 00:12:09,816
Oh, my God.

345
00:12:09,859 --> 00:12:11,687
Took me months to get rid of
that heavenly curry smell.

346
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:12,862
What happens
when he realizes

347
00:12:12,906 --> 00:12:14,951
he was wrong about
me the entire time?

348
00:12:14,995 --> 00:12:16,170
He's just
gonna run away.

349
00:12:16,213 --> 00:12:17,954
I would, I would
never run away from you.

350
00:12:19,651 --> 00:12:21,741
But if I did, I would run
way faster than Robby.

351
00:12:23,220 --> 00:12:24,787
'Cause he's slow.

352
00:12:24,831 --> 00:12:26,093
And I'm fast.

353
00:12:29,052 --> 00:12:32,490
Maybe I'm just not meant for
a functional relationship.

354
00:12:32,534 --> 00:12:34,579
You know me, Schmidt.

355
00:12:34,623 --> 00:12:36,799
You don't ever
have to be nice around me.

356
00:12:36,843 --> 00:12:38,627
I'm not scared of you.

357
00:12:38,670 --> 00:12:40,237
I mean, I'm bad.

358
00:12:41,848 --> 00:12:43,501
I do...

359
00:12:43,545 --> 00:12:46,635
I do bad things.

360
00:12:46,678 --> 00:12:47,810
I don't think
you're a nice girl.

361
00:12:48,985 --> 00:12:50,726
Think you're the worst.

362
00:12:58,865 --> 00:12:59,517
No.

363
00:12:59,561 --> 00:13:00,605
No...?

364
00:13:00,649 --> 00:13:03,260
No. I can't do
this to Robby.

365
00:13:03,304 --> 00:13:05,088
But you're a bad person.
We discussed that.

366
00:13:05,132 --> 00:13:06,698
You're a bad person,
I'm a bad person.
Yep.

367
00:13:06,742 --> 00:13:08,700
We can totally do this.
No qualms.

368
00:13:08,744 --> 00:13:10,528
I have a qualm.
I have a qualm.You don't have a qualm.

369
00:13:10,572 --> 00:13:11,791
We sold our qualms,

370
00:13:11,834 --> 00:13:13,009
and we used the profits
to buy perfect bodies.

371
00:13:13,053 --> 00:13:15,229
Robby is right.
Hmm.

372
00:13:15,272 --> 00:13:17,840
I'm nice.I'm not nice, all right?

373
00:13:17,884 --> 00:13:20,408
And I like Robby, but that is
doing nothing right now

374
00:13:20,451 --> 00:13:22,540
from stopping me
from wanting to kiss you.

375
00:13:22,584 --> 00:13:23,672
Stop, stop,
stop, stop.

376
00:13:23,715 --> 00:13:25,282
But I-I don't
want to stop.
[laughs]

377
00:13:25,326 --> 00:13:26,370
I really don't.

378
00:13:26,414 --> 00:13:28,285
I will never stop
wanting to kiss you.

379
00:13:28,329 --> 00:13:31,723
I am a monster.

380
00:13:31,767 --> 00:13:33,073
I got to go.

381
00:13:33,116 --> 00:13:34,335
Yeah, sure.
Have fun.

382
00:13:34,378 --> 00:13:36,293
Thank you. I really
needed this.

383
00:13:36,337 --> 00:13:37,512
Mm-hmm.

384
00:13:41,516 --> 00:13:42,865
[sighs]

385
00:13:42,909 --> 00:13:43,866
[door closes]

386
00:13:43,910 --> 00:13:46,521
And I...

387
00:13:50,786 --> 00:13:53,528
I'm a monster.

388
00:13:53,571 --> 00:13:55,878
Okay.

389
00:13:55,922 --> 00:13:57,575
What is this place?

390
00:13:57,619 --> 00:14:00,578
What are you...?

391
00:14:00,622 --> 00:14:02,058
What would you like?

392
00:14:02,102 --> 00:14:03,320
What does this mean?

393
00:14:03,364 --> 00:14:05,235
Let's not do this.

394
00:14:05,279 --> 00:14:07,759
Let's not take off
our clothes.

395
00:14:07,803 --> 00:14:10,066
Let's go back to the park
where it was good...

396
00:14:11,415 --> 00:14:13,417
[sighs]

397
00:14:17,552 --> 00:14:19,554
What do I know?

398
00:14:22,818 --> 00:14:25,560
We're taking our pants off?

399
00:14:27,301 --> 00:14:29,477
Okay. Keep those underwear on,
am I right?

400
00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:31,131
[chuckles]:
Yeah.

401
00:14:31,174 --> 00:14:33,307
Stay on.
Underwear good.

402
00:14:33,350 --> 00:14:36,136
[groaning]

403
00:14:36,179 --> 00:14:38,616
[flute playing ethereal music]

404
00:14:38,660 --> 00:14:41,184
Why are you cradling me
like a baby, friend?

405
00:14:41,228 --> 00:14:44,013
This is not how guys
of my generation hang out.

406
00:14:44,057 --> 00:14:47,756
This is a moment
that got away from me, my man.

407
00:14:52,456 --> 00:14:54,502
Oh, that's my butt.

408
00:14:54,545 --> 00:14:56,808
This is intimate.

409
00:14:56,852 --> 00:14:58,941
[sighs]

410
00:14:58,985 --> 00:15:01,770
[whispers]:
How did you know?

411
00:15:01,813 --> 00:15:04,904
[sighs]

412
00:15:07,384 --> 00:15:09,560
You are a huge baby.

413
00:15:09,604 --> 00:15:12,128
Yeah, I am.

414
00:15:12,172 --> 00:15:15,044
I am a huge baby.

415
00:15:16,263 --> 00:15:17,742
Forget it, I'm done.

416
00:15:17,786 --> 00:15:19,048
I'm not getting
a teaching job.

417
00:15:19,092 --> 00:15:20,049
Mm.Just can't go

418
00:15:20,093 --> 00:15:21,529
back out there, you know?

419
00:15:21,572 --> 00:15:22,660
Oh, I feel you, Jess.

420
00:15:22,704 --> 00:15:24,227
I took a sick day.

421
00:15:24,271 --> 00:15:27,143
I just stayed at home and did
a watercolor of mountains.

422
00:15:27,187 --> 00:15:29,189
So you gonna get this,
like, every month?

423
00:15:29,232 --> 00:15:30,973
I mean, it's a possibility
from all the information

424
00:15:31,017 --> 00:15:32,192
that I've read on the Internet.

425
00:15:32,235 --> 00:15:33,845
That women like you

426
00:15:33,889 --> 00:15:35,499
are the alpha.What?

427
00:15:35,543 --> 00:15:38,198
You're like the powerful moon,
and all the women in your life

428
00:15:38,241 --> 00:15:40,765
are just latched on
to your cycle.

429
00:15:40,809 --> 00:15:43,855
In my case, a grown-ass man.

430
00:15:43,899 --> 00:15:46,815
Oh, yeah, good news.

431
00:15:46,858 --> 00:15:48,382
The gang's all here.

432
00:15:48,425 --> 00:15:49,557
Guys just PMS-ing?

433
00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:50,775
Not in the mood today.

434
00:15:50,819 --> 00:15:52,038
Don't really feel like
being yelled at,

435
00:15:52,081 --> 00:15:53,343
so what I'm gonna do
is go ahead and leave,

436
00:15:53,387 --> 00:15:54,866
because right now I'm
feeling very fragile.

437
00:15:54,910 --> 00:15:55,824
I understand.

438
00:15:55,867 --> 00:15:56,999
What's wrong with you?

439
00:15:57,043 --> 00:15:58,000
I'm no longer angry!

440
00:15:58,044 --> 00:15:59,219
All the anger

441
00:15:59,262 --> 00:16:00,698
that used to be
inside of me is gone!

442
00:16:00,742 --> 00:16:01,830
It's gone, it's gone!

443
00:16:01,873 --> 00:16:04,659
This is the worst thing
I've ever seen.

444
00:16:06,095 --> 00:16:08,010
What is wrong
with you?
Don't.

445
00:16:08,054 --> 00:16:09,272
Period's got you down?

446
00:16:09,316 --> 00:16:10,708
That is such
a raw deal.

447
00:16:10,752 --> 00:16:12,406
Want me to get you
a sanitary napkin?

448
00:16:12,449 --> 00:16:13,407
Ew!

449
00:16:13,450 --> 00:16:14,712
Okay, I won't
get that.

450
00:16:14,756 --> 00:16:16,236
But you're okay
with pads or tampons

451
00:16:16,279 --> 00:16:17,933
or whatever it is
that you're using?

452
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:18,934
[blows raspberries]

453
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:20,805
Tell me about your day, please.

454
00:16:20,849 --> 00:16:22,285
I want to get into
your universe.

455
00:16:22,329 --> 00:16:24,026
Let's rap it out. Go.

456
00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:26,115
Floor is yours, pal.

457
00:16:26,159 --> 00:16:27,160
Talk, talk, talk.

458
00:16:27,203 --> 00:16:28,465
I want to listen.

459
00:16:28,509 --> 00:16:30,685
No.
30 seconds of
direct eye contact?

460
00:16:30,728 --> 00:16:32,034
Stop it, Nick. Please, stop.

461
00:16:32,078 --> 00:16:33,296
In three seconds,
I'll be silent.

462
00:16:33,340 --> 00:16:35,168
One, two...

463
00:16:35,211 --> 00:16:38,040
I bombed all my interviews.

464
00:16:38,084 --> 00:16:39,607
What? What happened?

465
00:16:39,650 --> 00:16:42,175
I was sabotaged by my baby box,

466
00:16:42,218 --> 00:16:43,698
which means I'm never

467
00:16:43,741 --> 00:16:45,221
gonna trust anything
that comes out of it.

468
00:16:45,265 --> 00:16:47,267
So that rules out a family.

469
00:16:47,310 --> 00:16:49,834
I know just the thing
you need.

470
00:16:49,878 --> 00:16:50,966
Come with me.

471
00:16:52,272 --> 00:16:55,057
Welcome to the wonderful world
of water massage.

472
00:17:01,759 --> 00:17:04,762
You are a piece of seaweed.

473
00:17:04,806 --> 00:17:05,937
You are totally happy.

474
00:17:05,981 --> 00:17:07,635
Ow!

475
00:17:07,678 --> 00:17:09,071
I don't mean to
touch your boobs!You're touching my boobs!

476
00:17:09,115 --> 00:17:09,854
I don't mean to
touch your boobs!

477
00:17:09,898 --> 00:17:11,117
Fail, fail, fail.

478
00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:12,074
The next move is...

479
00:17:12,118 --> 00:17:13,293
Oh, my...!

480
00:17:13,336 --> 00:17:15,947
Relaxing is important.
Relaxing is important.

481
00:17:15,991 --> 00:17:19,734
[both shouting]

482
00:17:19,777 --> 00:17:21,649
Relax!

483
00:17:21,692 --> 00:17:23,085
Oh, no.

484
00:17:23,129 --> 00:17:24,304
What are you trying to do?!

485
00:17:24,347 --> 00:17:25,261
Kill me?!

486
00:17:25,305 --> 00:17:27,002
It worked for me.

487
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:28,264
I was trying to help you.

488
00:17:28,308 --> 00:17:31,354
I've been watching you
doubt yourself for months.

489
00:17:31,398 --> 00:17:32,529
I'm not doubting myself.

490
00:17:32,573 --> 00:17:34,096
You're doubting yourself, Jess.

491
00:17:34,140 --> 00:17:35,097
No, Nick, it's PMS.

492
00:17:35,141 --> 00:17:37,273
It's not PMS.

493
00:17:37,317 --> 00:17:39,188
You got knocked down.

494
00:17:39,232 --> 00:17:40,755
It's time to get back up.

495
00:17:40,798 --> 00:17:43,149
And get up long enough for
one of these bozos to hire you.

496
00:17:44,976 --> 00:17:46,935
I believe in you.

497
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:49,068
So does that guy.

498
00:17:50,199 --> 00:17:51,331
Hey.

499
00:17:51,374 --> 00:17:53,028
Think you can do that?

500
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:56,292
And if you don't, I'm gonna
water massage you again.

501
00:17:56,336 --> 00:17:57,989
Can you do that?
Yes.

502
00:17:58,033 --> 00:17:58,947
Can you do that?

503
00:17:58,990 --> 00:18:00,166
Yes!

504
00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:03,473
Jessica Day?

505
00:18:03,517 --> 00:18:06,128
Yes, I'm here.Weren't you here
the other day?

506
00:18:06,172 --> 00:18:07,999
Weren't youhere the other day?

507
00:18:08,043 --> 00:18:09,827
Yes, I was.

508
00:18:14,963 --> 00:18:15,920
Well, I signed it.

509
00:18:15,964 --> 00:18:18,053
Please note the added provision.

510
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:20,273
In any autobiographical
account of my life,

511
00:18:20,316 --> 00:18:23,276
you want to be referred to
as Moises Perdue.

512
00:18:23,319 --> 00:18:24,973
Non-negotiable.

513
00:18:25,016 --> 00:18:27,367
But you're fine
with the rest of it?

514
00:18:27,410 --> 00:18:30,065
Look, I'm a depraved freak,
and I want to wander into

515
00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:32,198
your Narnia of sexual terror

516
00:18:32,241 --> 00:18:35,157
and emerge
like a freshly birthed calf.

517
00:18:35,201 --> 00:18:36,332
Put your hands out.

518
00:18:36,376 --> 00:18:38,291
Let's do this.

519
00:18:38,334 --> 00:18:39,335
[rope cracks]

520
00:18:39,379 --> 00:18:40,771
Are you ready?

521
00:18:43,383 --> 00:18:44,993
I'm ready.
All right.

522
00:18:45,036 --> 00:18:46,081
Oh, yeah.

523
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,214
[chuckles]:
Okay.

524
00:18:48,257 --> 00:18:49,171
Interesting technique.

525
00:18:51,217 --> 00:18:52,305
Hold tight.

526
00:18:52,348 --> 00:18:54,176
I mean, I could totally
get out of this.

527
00:18:54,220 --> 00:18:56,091
What, have you never
bound somebody before?

528
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:57,353
I got to start over.
[laughs]

529
00:18:57,397 --> 00:18:58,572
This your first time?

530
00:19:01,009 --> 00:19:03,359
[whispers]:
Are you rejecting me?

531
00:19:03,403 --> 00:19:05,013
No, I-- no.

532
00:19:05,056 --> 00:19:06,275
I mean...

533
00:19:06,319 --> 00:19:10,061
Because legally...
you can't.

534
00:19:10,105 --> 00:19:11,150
[chuckles]

535
00:19:13,239 --> 00:19:14,414
Now take off
your pants.

536
00:19:14,457 --> 00:19:15,676
Okay.

537
00:19:15,719 --> 00:19:16,764
Now.

538
00:19:16,807 --> 00:19:18,287
All right, all right.

539
00:19:20,246 --> 00:19:23,205
I got it. I got it.

540
00:19:23,249 --> 00:19:25,076
Right there. Oh.

541
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:25,990
No, I got it.

542
00:19:26,034 --> 00:19:27,209
Hold on, I got it.

543
00:19:27,253 --> 00:19:30,299
I did it. I did it.

544
00:19:30,343 --> 00:19:31,387
Ladies and gentlemen,

545
00:19:31,431 --> 00:19:33,215
drumroll please.

546
00:19:33,259 --> 00:19:34,695
[imitating drumroll][imitating high hat rhythm]

547
00:19:34,738 --> 00:19:36,610
Cut! Cut, Nick!

548
00:19:36,653 --> 00:19:37,567
Snare drum.

549
00:19:37,611 --> 00:19:38,786
I shouldn't
have to specify.

550
00:19:38,829 --> 00:19:40,091
Jess, that
was a cymbal.

551
00:19:40,135 --> 00:19:41,136
Cymbals are part of
the drum kit.

552
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:42,659
Yeah.

553
00:19:42,703 --> 00:19:44,139
Nevertheless, we are gathered
here today to celebrate

554
00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:47,316
the reemployment
of Jessica F. Day.

555
00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:49,100
Not my middle initial.Who will once again

556
00:19:49,144 --> 00:19:52,234
be in the classroom, molding
the minds of children.

557
00:19:52,278 --> 00:19:55,237
Actually, I'm gonna be remolding
the minds of grown-ups,

558
00:19:55,281 --> 00:19:57,457
'cause I'm gonna be teaching
creative writing to adults.

559
00:19:57,500 --> 00:19:58,675
So, what, are you
gonna be, like,

560
00:19:58,719 --> 00:19:59,981
reading a bunch of
weirdos' writing?

561
00:20:00,024 --> 00:20:01,635
Well, I hope you like
stories about vampires

562
00:20:01,678 --> 00:20:02,853
and bad childhoods.
I do.

563
00:20:02,897 --> 00:20:04,551
You're gonna get them.In any case,

564
00:20:04,594 --> 00:20:07,249
I think I speak for all of us
when I say that we are thrilled

565
00:20:07,293 --> 00:20:09,425
that you will once again have
a reason to shower daily.

566
00:20:09,469 --> 00:20:11,340
Yes.

567
00:20:11,384 --> 00:20:14,604
Now, let
there be gas.

568
00:20:14,648 --> 00:20:16,432
Yeah!
Yeah!

569
00:20:16,476 --> 00:20:18,173
Ah, yeah!

570
00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:20,610
Gonna be hot water in six to
ten minutes, fool! What?!Yeah!

571
00:20:20,654 --> 00:20:22,351
["Jump Around"
by House of Pain playing]

572
00:20:22,395 --> 00:20:24,919
[cheering]

573
00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:28,139
[chanting]:
Schmidt! Schmidt!

574
00:20:28,183 --> 00:20:29,315
ALL:
Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt!

575
00:20:29,358 --> 00:20:30,751
Where's Winston?Where is Winston?

576
00:20:30,794 --> 00:20:32,143
Go get Winston!
Where is he?

577
00:20:32,187 --> 00:20:34,276
[chanting]: Schmidt! Schmidt!
Schmidt! Schmidt!

578
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:36,278
Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt!

579
00:20:36,322 --> 00:20:38,149
Schmidt! Schmidt!

580
00:20:38,193 --> 00:20:39,716
JESS:
Come on, jump around with us.

581
00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:41,501
Come jump with us, Winston.

582
00:20:41,544 --> 00:20:42,980
Sleepy eyes.

583
00:20:43,024 --> 00:20:44,504
Hey.

584
00:20:44,547 --> 00:20:46,201
[music stops]What's going on, man?

585
00:20:48,551 --> 00:20:50,684
I don't really have PMS.

586
00:20:50,727 --> 00:20:53,295
I know. You're a man.

587
00:20:53,339 --> 00:20:56,167
[sobbing]

588
00:20:57,343 --> 00:20:58,909
I miss Shelby.

589
00:20:58,953 --> 00:21:00,955
This is all about
your breakup?

590
00:21:02,173 --> 00:21:04,480
I know just the thing
you need.

591
00:21:04,524 --> 00:21:05,916
Oh, no.

592
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:07,353
Just relax and breathe.[playing music]

593
00:21:07,396 --> 00:21:08,658
I'll take your shoulders.

594
00:21:08,702 --> 00:21:09,877
I'll take your feet.

595
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:11,357
This is really weird, man.

596
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:12,706
Really weird.

597
00:21:12,749 --> 00:21:13,750
Cool vibe, man.

598
00:21:13,794 --> 00:21:17,014
WINSTON:
What are you guys doing now?

599
00:21:17,058 --> 00:21:19,408
What have I gotten myself into?

600
00:21:19,452 --> 00:21:20,322
SCHMIDT:
Hey, lady,

601
00:21:20,366 --> 00:21:21,497
crushing that flute, babe.

602
00:21:21,541 --> 00:21:23,020
And breathe.

603
00:21:23,064 --> 00:21:24,718
- Okay, I'm trying.- Mama did that.

604
00:21:24,761 --> 00:21:26,067
Whoa.Just chill out.

605
00:21:26,110 --> 00:21:27,721
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What are you doing with my legs?

606
00:21:27,764 --> 00:21:29,200
No! Come on!Come on, chill out!

607
00:21:29,244 --> 00:21:30,245
[laughter]

608
00:21:30,289 --> 00:21:31,551
Nick, what are
you doing, man?!

609
00:21:31,594 --> 00:21:33,117
Reset. Let's reset.

610
00:21:33,161 --> 00:21:34,336
This is weird!

611
00:21:34,380 --> 00:21:37,339
No! No! No!

612
00:21:40,995 --> 00:21:43,563
Captioned by
access.wgbh.orgoup at WGBH