1
00:00:33,332 --> 00:00:35,433
<i>I'm gonna... I'm gonna
fucking piss my pants.</i>

2
00:00:35,533 --> 00:00:37,568
<i>What the fuck?</i>

3
00:00:39,505 --> 00:00:44,344
<i>Hey, if you wanna watch this video,
please go to our website NotSeeParty.com.</i>

4
00:00:44,444 --> 00:00:45,145
N-O-T...

5
00:00:45,245 --> 00:00:47,547
S-E-E... and not "Nazi" with a "Z."

6
00:00:47,647 --> 00:00:51,318
That'd be like cross-dressing Adolf
Eichmann-Liza Minnelli impersonator.

7
00:00:51,418 --> 00:00:53,987
If I... If I die of laughter
during this segment,

8
00:00:54,087 --> 00:00:56,690
I don't want you to feel bad. I want
you all to know that I died happy,

9
00:00:56,790 --> 00:01:00,126
because this video is the greatest
thing that's ever happened to me.

10
00:01:00,226 --> 00:01:03,261
- It's up to like 30 something million.
- Here we... Here we go.

11
00:01:45,704 --> 00:01:48,037
- Shit!
- What the fuck?

12
00:01:48,107 --> 00:01:49,242
I'm gonna talk to this
kid about everything.

13
00:01:49,342 --> 00:01:51,778
I wanna know... I wanna know
what he masturbates to,

14
00:01:51,878 --> 00:01:54,681
I wanna know if he kept the leg.
Did he keep the leg?

15
00:01:54,781 --> 00:01:56,383
I gotta say though, man.
I've watched this video enough.

16
00:01:56,483 --> 00:01:57,884
I'm starting to feel bad for the kid.

17
00:01:57,984 --> 00:02:00,053
I'm not laughed out yet but
I'm feeling bad for him.

18
00:02:00,153 --> 00:02:03,490
Feeling bad? The kid's got tons
of hits 'cause he's famous.

19
00:02:03,590 --> 00:02:05,859
Right? I mean what more do you want?
He's got more hits than I do.

20
00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:07,528
I'm kinda in a weird way, jealous.

21
00:02:07,628 --> 00:02:09,829
I don't need both legs. What am I?
I'm not running marathons.

22
00:02:09,929 --> 00:02:13,133
So look out, you crazy Canucks.
Something weird-ass this way comes.

23
00:02:13,233 --> 00:02:15,668
Next week, Wanderin' Wallace
takes a raunchy road trip

24
00:02:15,768 --> 00:02:18,405
up to the Great White North
to meet with a star.

25
00:02:18,505 --> 00:02:20,407
My only hope is that he
doesn't cry too much.

26
00:02:20,507 --> 00:02:22,609
Join us next week while
Wallace sits down

27
00:02:22,709 --> 00:02:26,746
with the one-legged wonder,
the master of self-mutilation

28
00:02:26,846 --> 00:02:29,082
of Internet humiliation,
the Kill Bill Kid.

29
00:02:29,182 --> 00:02:31,051
Which is about all you can
do if you're the Kill Bill Kid.

30
00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:34,387
You just sit your one-legged
ass down, forever.

31
00:02:34,487 --> 00:02:35,822
Oh, it's too easy.
It was right there!

32
00:02:35,922 --> 00:02:38,391
- You're going to hell, man.
- They're like plums, like low-hanging plums.

33
00:02:38,491 --> 00:02:40,961
- I had to grab it.
- Until next time, I'm Teddy Craft.

34
00:02:41,061 --> 00:02:43,496
And this is Wallace Bryton
reminding you to

35
00:02:43,596 --> 00:02:46,697
join ze Not-See Party!

36
00:02:59,846 --> 00:03:01,747
Welcome to Canada.

37
00:03:04,283 --> 00:03:05,585
Hey, there.

38
00:03:05,685 --> 00:03:08,521
Hey there, yourself,
fellow facial hair aficionado.

39
00:03:08,621 --> 00:03:10,757
Yeah, not as good as you. My God!

40
00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:15,428
- New Jersey.
- Yeah, years back. Now it's... Los Angeles.

41
00:03:15,528 --> 00:03:18,596
A man torn betwixt Devils and Kings.

42
00:03:20,366 --> 00:03:22,869
Oh! Hockey.

43
00:03:22,969 --> 00:03:24,571
You're damn right, hockey.

44
00:03:25,471 --> 00:03:27,404
I don't really follow hockey.

45
00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:31,411
Okay. Hands off the counter, please.

46
00:03:31,511 --> 00:03:33,713
- Really?
- Yeah, really. Thank you.

47
00:03:33,813 --> 00:03:35,248
- Sorry.
- Sorry.

48
00:03:35,348 --> 00:03:36,416
- Sorry.
- Sorry.

49
00:03:36,516 --> 00:03:38,084
Sorry.

50
00:03:38,184 --> 00:03:40,487
When you're visiting the
Great White North of Canada,

51
00:03:40,587 --> 00:03:43,723
you got your Cana-Do's and
you got your Cana-Don'ts.

52
00:03:43,823 --> 00:03:45,625
Top shelf, right there. Number one.

53
00:03:45,725 --> 00:03:48,527
Don't go tell any Canadian
you don't follow hockey.

54
00:03:48,627 --> 00:03:51,130
Of course! I should've known that.
It makes 'em sad, right?

55
00:03:51,230 --> 00:03:54,601
A Canadian doesn't get sad.
Sadness was made by the USA.

56
00:03:54,701 --> 00:03:56,069
Oh, come on. What does that mean?

57
00:03:56,169 --> 00:03:59,172
Take off, it's true.
Right there on our flag.

58
00:03:59,272 --> 00:04:02,275
It's right there when you look at it.
When you see past that sacred Maple Leaf,

59
00:04:02,375 --> 00:04:04,477
- you know what you see?
- A white wall.

60
00:04:04,577 --> 00:04:08,615
You see that in America,
you may be red, white and blue.

61
00:04:08,715 --> 00:04:13,119
But in Canada, you're red,
white but never blue?

62
00:04:13,219 --> 00:04:14,020
Ever.

63
00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:17,323
Got you. That's actually... You know,
I've never thought of it that way before.

64
00:04:17,423 --> 00:04:19,425
I always think of
Canadians as just nice.

65
00:04:19,525 --> 00:04:21,528
Well, that right there
is another Cana-Don't.

66
00:04:21,628 --> 00:04:23,329
We're not nice, we're optimistic.
There is a difference.

67
00:04:23,429 --> 00:04:25,398
- Right.
- And we're tolerant.

68
00:04:26,098 --> 00:04:27,967
And we're hung like moose.

69
00:04:33,138 --> 00:04:34,605
That's great.

70
00:04:36,241 --> 00:04:39,212
Back to business, then.
What're you doing in Manitoba?

71
00:04:39,312 --> 00:04:44,017
I'm recording a podcast.
So what I do is, I...

72
00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:48,254
I travel around and I interview
weird or interesting people

73
00:04:48,354 --> 00:04:52,892
and I describe it to my best friend
who does not see it first-hand

74
00:04:52,992 --> 00:04:56,129
since he won't fly anywhere.
It's called The Not-See Party.

75
00:04:56,229 --> 00:04:58,131
Whoa, whoa! Nazi Party?

76
00:04:58,231 --> 00:05:01,501
Oh, no. It's spelled N-O-T-S-E-E,

77
00:05:01,601 --> 00:05:03,970
not the other... Hatey one.

78
00:05:04,070 --> 00:05:07,038
- You know, that Hitler.
- You don't say Hitler in an airport.

79
00:05:18,884 --> 00:05:20,150
All right.

80
00:05:39,171 --> 00:05:40,671
What the fuck is this?

81
00:06:06,464 --> 00:06:07,931
Hey!

82
00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:10,900
Oh, shit!

83
00:06:20,312 --> 00:06:22,112
Oh, fuck!

84
00:06:29,688 --> 00:06:32,425
Hey, fucker. Are you ready for this?

85
00:06:33,025 --> 00:06:37,630
Fucking Kill Bill Kid fucking
killed himself, sir!

86
00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:40,233
With his own fucking sword!
Can you believe that shit?

87
00:06:40,333 --> 00:06:42,835
I'm not fucking kidding you.

88
00:06:42,935 --> 00:06:46,739
He couldn't hold out for two more days,
the selfish little peg-legged piece of shit.

89
00:06:46,839 --> 00:06:49,475
I'm so pissed off right now.
I gotta find a flight back tonight.

90
00:06:49,575 --> 00:06:51,344
But I'm thinking I don't wanna come
all the way back with nothing.

91
00:06:51,444 --> 00:06:53,446
We need a show this week, so...

92
00:06:53,546 --> 00:06:57,784
I'm in fucking Winnipeg
in a bar called...

93
00:06:57,884 --> 00:07:00,119
Bar "H."

94
00:07:00,219 --> 00:07:02,155
I don't know what the fuck
I'm gonna do. I'm gonna...

95
00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:05,992
Try to find some other Canadian
weirdo up here I can talk to, but...

96
00:07:06,092 --> 00:07:10,196
I gotta be honest, man.
There is nothing weird about Canada.

97
00:07:10,296 --> 00:07:13,599
It is painfully boring up here.

98
00:07:13,699 --> 00:07:17,770
But shit! $550 for a
fucking plane ticket.

99
00:07:17,870 --> 00:07:19,839
Selfish little prick.

100
00:07:19,939 --> 00:07:23,609
I know it's fucked up to say, but...
God damn it! It was killing me.

101
00:07:24,109 --> 00:07:26,042
All right.

102
00:07:26,411 --> 00:07:28,281
Signing off from the
Great White North.

103
00:07:28,381 --> 00:07:30,817
<i>Coo loo coo coo, coo coo coo</i>

104
00:07:30,917 --> 00:07:32,485
<i>Coo loo coo coo</i>

105
00:07:32,585 --> 00:07:34,218
Oh, shit. Beep.

106
00:07:35,921 --> 00:07:37,154
Hey, man, where is your bathroom?

107
00:07:59,144 --> 00:08:04,517
<i>Hello, I am an old man who has
enjoyed a long and storied life at sea.</i>

108
00:08:04,817 --> 00:08:09,656
<i>I am a proud Canadian who has traveled
a peculiar path lo these many years.</i>

109
00:08:09,956 --> 00:08:15,094
<i>And after eons of oceanic adventure,
I find myself a landlubber,</i>

110
00:08:15,194 --> 00:08:17,897
<i>with Manitoba as my final port.</i>

111
00:08:18,097 --> 00:08:23,169
<i>I know I do not wish to spend my
remaining years alone in a giant house.</i>

112
00:08:23,269 --> 00:08:26,002
<i>Not when I have such
stories to share.</i>

113
00:08:30,008 --> 00:08:33,946
No, it's not the room I'm interested
in as much as you, Mr. Howe.

114
00:08:34,046 --> 00:08:37,283
Yeah, tonight would be...
That'd be amazing, sir. Yes, thank you.

115
00:08:37,383 --> 00:08:42,689
All right, where am I going?
Bifrost? Sounds erotic.

116
00:08:43,289 --> 00:08:45,024
Okay, let me just ask
somebody how far I am.

117
00:08:45,124 --> 00:08:49,362
Excuse me, hey!
How far is Bifrost from here?

118
00:08:49,462 --> 00:08:53,366
- Bifrost? Shit! That's far.
- Yeah, it's about two hours from here.

119
00:08:53,466 --> 00:08:55,669
Yeah, the kids here at the
convenience store are telling me

120
00:08:55,770 --> 00:08:59,605
- that it's "aboot" two hours away.
- I hate American guys.

121
00:08:59,705 --> 00:09:01,073
<i>Yeah, what's your address?</i>

122
00:09:01,173 --> 00:09:05,812
<i>So to this end, I'm offering a room
for rent in my stately woodland home.</i>

123
00:09:05,912 --> 00:09:08,247
<i>This arrangement will
be free of charge,</i>

124
00:09:08,347 --> 00:09:12,819
<i>providing you perform the simple
household chores I can no longer tend to</i>

125
00:09:12,919 --> 00:09:15,321
<i>from the confines of
this cursed wheelchair.</i>

126
00:09:15,621 --> 00:09:19,592
<i>But though I may
be old, I have lived.</i>

127
00:09:19,692 --> 00:09:24,630
<i>And I will tell you all about my
many adventures, in vivid detail.</i>

128
00:09:24,730 --> 00:09:28,167
<i>Please feel free to call
me at the number below.</i>

129
00:09:28,267 --> 00:09:31,869
<i>Respectfully, Howard Howe.</i>

130
00:09:37,175 --> 00:09:40,310
All right. This better
be fucking worth it.

131
00:09:48,186 --> 00:09:51,221
<i>You have arrived at your destination.</i>

132
00:10:54,285 --> 00:10:58,922
- Hello? Hello?
- Hello! Up here, please.

133
00:11:04,162 --> 00:11:05,696
Hello?

134
00:11:07,499 --> 00:11:08,968
Good evening!

135
00:11:09,668 --> 00:11:12,836
- Mr. Howe?
- Well actually, it's Howard.

136
00:11:12,937 --> 00:11:15,508
Mr. Howard, hey!

137
00:11:15,608 --> 00:11:18,611
You know, when people first
become entangled with my name,

138
00:11:19,111 --> 00:11:22,279
it's much like a
French bedroom farce.

139
00:11:23,716 --> 00:11:27,988
Now, Mr. Howe would be appropriate,
but I prefer the intimacy of Howard.

140
00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:30,022
Howard.

141
00:11:30,122 --> 00:11:33,192
Now that we have that
unpleasantness out of the way,

142
00:11:33,292 --> 00:11:35,928
may I welcome you to
Pippy Hill, my home.

143
00:11:36,028 --> 00:11:38,030
Oh, yes. It's great.

144
00:11:38,330 --> 00:11:41,267
- It's nice to meet you.
- Pleasure. Pleasure.

145
00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:43,402
Could I interest you in some tea?

146
00:11:43,502 --> 00:11:45,871
You can. But first...

147
00:11:45,971 --> 00:11:49,039
- Can I use your bathroom?
- Smashing.

148
00:12:08,827 --> 00:12:11,628
Oh, Jesus!

149
00:12:34,953 --> 00:12:36,756
Well, did everything
come out all right?

150
00:12:36,856 --> 00:12:40,760
Oh, yeah. Great. Thank you.

151
00:12:40,860 --> 00:12:44,363
- You're welcome, there's your tea.
- All right. Thank you.

152
00:12:44,463 --> 00:12:49,566
You know, my second wife...
I presume my last...

153
00:12:50,235 --> 00:12:52,572
Used to say, bless her heart.

154
00:12:52,672 --> 00:12:55,941
"Rather saint than sin,
Better out than in."

155
00:12:56,041 --> 00:12:59,710
She was referring to gas, of course!
Her own, mind you.

156
00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:03,883
That's great.

157
00:13:03,983 --> 00:13:06,584
- This... Thank you.
- You bet.

158
00:13:11,923 --> 00:13:14,323
God damn, this is good.

159
00:13:16,461 --> 00:13:19,331
So did you find the water
closet satisfactory?

160
00:13:19,431 --> 00:13:21,400
Oh, yes. Thank you so much.

161
00:13:22,100 --> 00:13:25,672
That was great! I was holding
it in for half the ride.

162
00:13:26,372 --> 00:13:28,374
It's a little embarrassing but...

163
00:13:28,674 --> 00:13:31,844
I was kinda spooked to get out of
the car in the middle of nowhere,

164
00:13:32,344 --> 00:13:36,015
- you know?
- I must say

165
00:13:36,415 --> 00:13:39,251
your phone call intrigued me.

166
00:13:39,351 --> 00:13:42,819
Well, I'm telling you,
your handbill intrigued me.

167
00:13:47,525 --> 00:13:50,246
Did I understand you correctly on the
phone when you said you weren't looking

168
00:13:50,347 --> 00:13:54,200
- for a living arrangement?
- No, I live in Los Angeles.

169
00:13:54,300 --> 00:13:55,735
- Oh?
- Yeah.

170
00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:58,070
City of Angels.

171
00:13:58,170 --> 00:14:02,575
Well, I've never seen any myself.
More the opposite, really.

172
00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:04,510
My grandma, Mimsy, used to tell us,

173
00:14:04,610 --> 00:14:08,045
"You needn't go very far to
find hell in a hand basket."

174
00:14:10,315 --> 00:14:12,785
I like that. I like Mimsy.

175
00:14:12,885 --> 00:14:15,020
Oh, my grandma...
My grandma used to say...

176
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,190
She'd say, "Hell is your children."

177
00:14:18,090 --> 00:14:20,726
Chain smoker, "Hell is your children."
She was the worst.

178
00:14:20,826 --> 00:14:24,396
How droll. She must've
been an interesting woman.

179
00:14:24,496 --> 00:14:27,734
Oh, now, she was flatulent.
Oh, let me tell you, it was cra...

180
00:14:27,834 --> 00:14:30,970
I've never seen anything like
it or smelled anything like it.

181
00:14:31,070 --> 00:14:33,539
She would hang stuff on
her walls, too. Just like you.

182
00:14:33,639 --> 00:14:36,742
My life lines these walls,
Mr. Bryton.

183
00:14:36,842 --> 00:14:41,814
And though I cannot boast
of legs, that are functioning...

184
00:14:41,914 --> 00:14:47,253
that keep me ambulatory. I still thank
the Lord for leaving me with a memory,

185
00:14:47,353 --> 00:14:50,956
a living memory of
my many adventures.

186
00:14:51,056 --> 00:14:53,726
Yeah, those adventures are
what I'm here about, Mr. Howe.

187
00:14:53,826 --> 00:14:55,928
You said that on the phone
that you were much more

188
00:14:56,028 --> 00:14:58,330
interested in me personally
than you were the room.

189
00:14:58,430 --> 00:15:00,934
Yes, because I saw this.

190
00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:03,169
- Oh!
- Yeah.

191
00:15:03,269 --> 00:15:07,306
And you have no idea, I'm up here in this
frozen shithole. I think my trip is a bust.

192
00:15:07,406 --> 00:15:10,409
And I feel like I just stumbled
into a goldmine, with this thing.

193
00:15:10,509 --> 00:15:13,078
And you talk about sharing stories.
That's what I do.

194
00:15:13,178 --> 00:15:14,847
I'm a storyteller by trade.

195
00:15:14,947 --> 00:15:17,149
Oh, I see. You're a...
You're a writer?

196
00:15:17,249 --> 00:15:18,984
Well...

197
00:15:19,084 --> 00:15:22,521
- I'm a podcaster.
- What on earth is that?

198
00:15:23,989 --> 00:15:28,928
I'm sorry. I'm not laughing at you.
You just reminded me of my mom.

199
00:15:29,028 --> 00:15:32,665
"Wally, what're you doing?"
She's the worst. You're fantastic.

200
00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:37,469
A podcast is kinda like a... It's like
a radio show that's not on the radio.

201
00:15:37,569 --> 00:15:40,704
It's on... It's on the Internet.
Does that make sense?

202
00:15:41,707 --> 00:15:44,176
Yeah. That's also like my mom.

203
00:15:44,276 --> 00:15:47,847
It makes this sound more confusing,
doesn't it? It sounds like this.

204
00:15:48,147 --> 00:15:52,382
Listen... Now you listen to me.
I just came in my pants.

205
00:15:54,153 --> 00:15:56,653
That's my McConaughey,
prematurely ejaculating.

206
00:16:06,264 --> 00:16:07,566
I pissed my pants.

207
00:16:07,666 --> 00:16:11,170
So you can actually say those
things without any repercussion?

208
00:16:11,570 --> 00:16:13,739
Yeah, the audience likes it,
real and raunchy.

209
00:16:13,839 --> 00:16:16,773
So I try to keep it real and raunchy.
And real raunchy.

210
00:16:18,777 --> 00:16:21,280
You know the freedoms
your generation enjoys...

211
00:16:21,780 --> 00:16:26,249
Oh, I tell you...
Libertines the lot of you.

212
00:16:27,252 --> 00:16:29,688
Can I just tell you something?
This is gonna sound really weird but...

213
00:16:29,788 --> 00:16:32,491
I've never had tea like this.
It's blowing my mind.

214
00:16:32,591 --> 00:16:36,793
I feel like I've never had tea in my life.
I'm like popping my cherry.

215
00:16:37,728 --> 00:16:39,298
I'm not even a tea person.

216
00:16:39,798 --> 00:16:43,202
I believe we're all tea people.
There's a trick to it.

217
00:16:43,302 --> 00:16:47,172
You see, you soak the leaves
in brandy before steeping.

218
00:16:47,272 --> 00:16:50,677
Of course. You can't lose with booze.

219
00:16:51,777 --> 00:16:54,213
"Well, always do sober
what you'd do drunk.

220
00:16:54,313 --> 00:16:56,248
"It will teach you to
keep your mouth shut."

221
00:16:56,348 --> 00:16:58,717
Okay, okay. Now, this one, I know.

222
00:16:58,817 --> 00:17:01,419
- Hemingway said that.
- Yes, he did.

223
00:17:02,987 --> 00:17:04,554
He said it to me.

224
00:17:06,224 --> 00:17:07,827
You knew Ernest Hemingway?

225
00:17:08,127 --> 00:17:10,860
Well, we met on the
waters of Normandy.

226
00:17:12,230 --> 00:17:15,601
- You were there for D-Day?
- No, I was there before D-Day.

227
00:17:15,701 --> 00:17:18,137
I was there when it was
called Operation Neptune.

228
00:17:18,237 --> 00:17:21,740
Holy... Hold on.
You were on the beach?

229
00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:24,944
- No, no. I was on a boat as was Ernie.
- Ernie?

230
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:28,147
Ernie was deemed "precious cargo"
by the powers that be,

231
00:17:28,247 --> 00:17:31,150
so he was prohibited
from joining the incursion.

232
00:17:31,250 --> 00:17:33,752
They ordered Hemingway to stay
on the boat? Are you kidding?

233
00:17:33,852 --> 00:17:37,957
Yes, they did. Which vexed
Mr. Hemingway, to say the least.

234
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:40,392
You know how he loved
to hunt the big game.

235
00:17:40,492 --> 00:17:41,594
Yeah.

236
00:17:41,694 --> 00:17:46,298
Big and the deadly. Well, there was
nothing bigger or deadlier than a Nazi.

237
00:17:46,398 --> 00:17:49,666
Except perhaps a Nazi's nagging wife.

238
00:17:50,868 --> 00:17:53,837
Nazi bitches. Of course.

239
00:17:55,441 --> 00:17:58,844
And so, prohibited from
joining the incursion,

240
00:17:58,944 --> 00:18:02,648
Hemingway went to the
galley in search of alcohol.

241
00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:08,285
And the only one to oblige him, of course,
was a 16-year-old potato peeler on KP duty.

242
00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:11,390
<i>Oh, my God!</i>

243
00:18:11,890 --> 00:18:14,193
<i>Holy shit, no kidding.</i>

244
00:18:14,593 --> 00:18:18,731
<i>Yes, so I proffered for
Hemingway a bottle of Wiser.</i>

245
00:18:19,431 --> 00:18:22,134
<i>And I'll never forget
what he did next.</i>

246
00:18:22,634 --> 00:18:26,271
There was a smile crawled
across the man's face.

247
00:18:26,371 --> 00:18:29,208
It was so slow as if
it were a caterpillar.

248
00:18:29,608 --> 00:18:32,678
<i>Then he turned to me and slapped
me on the back and he said,</i>

249
00:18:33,078 --> 00:18:37,083
"You are a kitchen witch
of only good fortune."

250
00:18:37,583 --> 00:18:39,282
Kitchen witch?

251
00:18:40,384 --> 00:18:42,121
God.

252
00:18:42,421 --> 00:18:48,225
So we drank Wiser and when the
reports came back of how many...

253
00:18:50,428 --> 00:18:54,931
boys had fallen at Omaha.
That's when he said to me,

254
00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:58,137
"Only do sober what you'd do drunk.

255
00:18:58,237 --> 00:19:01,637
"It will teach you to
keep your mouth shut."

256
00:19:03,508 --> 00:19:07,512
Oh, God, that's... that's nuts, man!

257
00:19:07,612 --> 00:19:10,376
- It's incredible.
- Well, actually,

258
00:19:10,477 --> 00:19:14,917
if you look to the right of the fireplace,
you'll see the incredible aspect.

259
00:19:19,490 --> 00:19:21,224
This is the bottle?

260
00:19:22,026 --> 00:19:24,096
Holy shit!

261
00:19:24,196 --> 00:19:26,932
This is the coolest
thing I've ever seen.

262
00:19:27,032 --> 00:19:30,169
Well, it's just an old bottle.
But if you combine it with a story,

263
00:19:30,269 --> 00:19:33,939
then it becomes, if I may
say so, a powerful talisman,

264
00:19:34,039 --> 00:19:39,441
a doorway to another time and place.
Perhaps, a drawbridge to history.

265
00:19:39,644 --> 00:19:42,812
Yeah. So fucking cool.

266
00:19:45,550 --> 00:19:47,383
What's this?

267
00:19:53,492 --> 00:19:57,196
I see, you have an eye for the
unfamiliar and the curiosity of a cat.

268
00:19:57,496 --> 00:19:59,865
That should take you very far.

269
00:20:00,165 --> 00:20:05,770
That is the baculum of a walrus.
The Alaskans call it an <i>oosik.</i>

270
00:20:05,970 --> 00:20:07,473
Oosik.

271
00:20:07,973 --> 00:20:11,310
Oh! So it's like a...
like a walrus spine?

272
00:20:11,410 --> 00:20:13,443
No. It's more like a walrus cock.

273
00:20:15,012 --> 00:20:18,203
- Shut up!
- I am a dirty boy, aren't I?

274
00:20:18,304 --> 00:20:22,621
- This is a walrus dick?
- No, no. That's the baculum.

275
00:20:22,721 --> 00:20:25,657
That's the bones found in the
penis of most placental mammals

276
00:20:25,757 --> 00:20:29,160
- excluding man, of course.
- That's not fair.

277
00:20:29,260 --> 00:20:34,066
You know, it is in aid
of sexual intercourse.

278
00:20:34,166 --> 00:20:37,469
It maintains the stiffness of the
animal during coital penetration.

279
00:20:37,569 --> 00:20:39,736
Hey, if you got something like this between
your legs, you don't need any help

280
00:20:39,837 --> 00:20:43,309
with coital penetration.
Jesus Christ!

281
00:20:43,409 --> 00:20:46,411
You are a rapscallion of the
highest order, Mr. Bryton.

282
00:20:46,511 --> 00:20:48,680
- Can I get my hands on it?
- Yes, of course.

283
00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:54,186
No, what? This is crazy.

284
00:20:54,286 --> 00:20:56,188
You'd be right to admire the walrus.

285
00:20:56,288 --> 00:20:59,458
It is probably God's
most noble creature

286
00:20:59,758 --> 00:21:02,692
far more evolved than any
man I've ever known.

287
00:21:05,096 --> 00:21:07,633
- Present company included.
- Thank you.

288
00:21:08,133 --> 00:21:09,268
You're welcome.

289
00:21:09,768 --> 00:21:14,537
I appreciate that. So where did you
buy something like this? A head shop?

290
00:21:16,942 --> 00:21:21,313
Well, I became acquainted with
a walrus when I was lost at sea.

291
00:21:21,413 --> 00:21:24,516
Shut the front door!
You were lost at sea?

292
00:21:24,616 --> 00:21:27,553
- Yes.
- Who are you, Rudyard fucking Kipling?

293
00:21:27,653 --> 00:21:30,522
In 1959,

294
00:21:30,622 --> 00:21:34,326
I was back on a boat.
Around the Gulf of Anadyr

295
00:21:34,426 --> 00:21:38,664
which is the southern coast of Siberia.
In Chukchi Peninsula.

296
00:21:38,764 --> 00:21:41,166
Perhaps, the best years of my life.

297
00:21:41,266 --> 00:21:44,336
My culinary capabilities in small,
sea-faring vessels

298
00:21:44,436 --> 00:21:47,973
earned me my passport to the world.
As a matter of fact,

299
00:21:48,073 --> 00:21:52,978
it was my magic with a halibut that landed
me the chef's position on the <i>Anastasia</i>

300
00:21:53,078 --> 00:21:56,415
as we traversed into
Soviet waters exploring.

301
00:21:56,515 --> 00:21:59,418
Wait. So this is like...
What is this, like, Cold War stuff?

302
00:21:59,518 --> 00:22:05,057
No, no, no. We were in search
of the Siberian Great White.

303
00:22:05,157 --> 00:22:08,193
The Great White Shark? No way.

304
00:22:08,293 --> 00:22:12,831
Yes. And the Russians called the
hungry god "The Whale Eater."

305
00:22:14,066 --> 00:22:18,070
It's reported to be 25 feet in length,
with some 3 tons on him.

306
00:22:18,170 --> 00:22:20,269
What?

307
00:22:20,504 --> 00:22:23,008
Holy shit! Did you find him?

308
00:22:23,108 --> 00:22:25,877
No, no. No, no. We only found...

309
00:22:25,977 --> 00:22:29,345
death off the Chukchi Peninsula.

310
00:22:30,281 --> 00:22:34,884
In the inky heart of night,
the <i>Anastasia</i> collided with an iceberg.

311
00:22:35,886 --> 00:22:40,526
<i>I watched a ship disappear in
minutes into the black Russian sea.</i>

312
00:22:41,626 --> 00:22:47,233
<i>Then I heard the screams of the
crew silenced in the Siberian brine.</i>

313
00:22:47,733 --> 00:22:50,032
So what happened after the boat sank?

314
00:22:50,868 --> 00:22:52,668
I was alone.

315
00:22:54,038 --> 00:22:57,944
"Alone, alone, all alone,
on a white wide sea!

316
00:22:58,744 --> 00:23:03,148
"And never a saint took
pity on my soul in agony."

317
00:23:03,248 --> 00:23:05,014
<i>The Rime of the Ancient Mariner.</i>

318
00:23:05,850 --> 00:23:09,588
Well remembered, Mr. Bryton.
Well remembered.

319
00:23:09,688 --> 00:23:13,759
But you know, when the screaming stopped,
I thought I was alone until something

320
00:23:13,859 --> 00:23:17,494
very swift and
frightening moved by me.

321
00:23:18,996 --> 00:23:22,968
"The many men, so beautiful!

322
00:23:23,268 --> 00:23:25,404
"And they all dead did lie

323
00:23:25,504 --> 00:23:30,773
"And a thousand, thousand slimy
things lived on and so did I."

324
00:23:31,375 --> 00:23:34,443
God! How scared were you?

325
00:23:36,748 --> 00:23:39,651
I don't mind admitting
I was terrified.

326
00:23:39,751 --> 00:23:43,088
I know you've probably been scared
a few times in your life, Mr. Bryton.

327
00:23:43,188 --> 00:23:47,159
But I'd wager to say you've
never known true terror.

328
00:23:47,359 --> 00:23:52,064
I became intimately familiar with
terror that night, as I swam.

329
00:23:52,364 --> 00:23:57,566
I kicked at the water and stroked for I
know not where. It was so pitch black.

330
00:23:58,102 --> 00:24:01,273
So I swam deeper and
deeper into the ebony void

331
00:24:01,373 --> 00:24:03,875
and I prayed that
whatever brushed by me

332
00:24:03,975 --> 00:24:07,879
was now feasting upon the
expedition crew instead.

333
00:24:07,979 --> 00:24:11,247
Sweet whistling Christ!

334
00:24:11,649 --> 00:24:15,787
I awoke on the shores
of a very small island,

335
00:24:15,887 --> 00:24:20,892
<i>regurgitating sea water,
and discombobulated beyond belief.</i>

336
00:24:20,992 --> 00:24:24,696
<i>And then as I stood to my feet,</i>

337
00:24:24,796 --> 00:24:30,132
<i>I saw the sweetest sight my orbs
have ever taken in. I saw my savior.</i>

338
00:24:31,101 --> 00:24:33,235
I saw a walrus.

339
00:24:33,337 --> 00:24:36,842
A walrus? A walrus saved your life?

340
00:24:36,942 --> 00:24:39,044
- Yes.
- What?

341
00:24:39,344 --> 00:24:44,650
This curious fellow loomed over me,
with tusks as tall as Scylla and Charibdys.

342
00:24:45,850 --> 00:24:48,987
But it was... It was as
gentle as a milking cow

343
00:24:49,087 --> 00:24:51,490
and it took me into its
blubbery body to keep me warm,

344
00:24:51,590 --> 00:24:54,393
as if I were a
newborn chick, you see.

345
00:24:54,693 --> 00:24:58,130
- Unbelievable!
- Yes.

346
00:24:58,530 --> 00:25:03,168
And though I couldn't know what he
was called by his marine brethren,

347
00:25:03,468 --> 00:25:07,172
I named him after the only
authority figure I'd ever known,

348
00:25:07,272 --> 00:25:09,608
I ever trusted in my entire life.

349
00:25:09,708 --> 00:25:13,745
The janitor at a boys'
home I had attended

350
00:25:13,845 --> 00:25:19,084
whose name was Mr. Tuskegee.
So I called my companion, Mr. Tusk.

351
00:25:19,184 --> 00:25:23,786
Mr. Tusk? That's cute. Cute.

352
00:25:25,222 --> 00:25:29,694
Well, cute is for
Chinese babies, Mr. Bryton.

353
00:25:29,794 --> 00:25:33,131
But my walrus companion
was beautiful.

354
00:25:33,231 --> 00:25:36,601
I have never known
such a fulfilling friendship

355
00:25:36,701 --> 00:25:40,102
with anyone, human or otherwise.

356
00:25:40,471 --> 00:25:43,241
And for six glorious months,

357
00:25:43,341 --> 00:25:48,113
I was at utter peace
and I knew the only bliss

358
00:25:48,213 --> 00:25:51,414
this wretched life has
ever afforded me.

359
00:25:53,951 --> 00:25:55,718
What did you...

360
00:25:56,554 --> 00:25:58,254
What'd you...

361
00:26:00,325 --> 00:26:02,057
What'd you...

362
00:26:06,564 --> 00:26:10,733
There, there. It'll be all right.

363
00:26:11,702 --> 00:26:14,937
It'll be all right, Mr. Tusk.

364
00:26:21,245 --> 00:26:22,911
Oh, shit!

365
00:26:24,181 --> 00:26:26,081
Oh, fuck!

366
00:26:26,584 --> 00:26:28,819
Oh, shit!

367
00:26:29,254 --> 00:26:30,589
Why... Why're you stopping?

368
00:26:30,689 --> 00:26:34,459
- I don't want you to go to Canada tomorrow.
- Okay, I won't go to Canada! Just finish...

369
00:26:34,559 --> 00:26:36,661
Oh, you're so full of shit,
your eyes are brown.

370
00:26:36,761 --> 00:26:39,764
I know. I know, I'm full of shit. I'm bad.
So spank me. Spank me right there.

371
00:26:39,864 --> 00:26:41,166
- Nope. I'm not gonna do it.
- What?

372
00:26:41,266 --> 00:26:44,202
- All right.
- Seriously? No, no.

373
00:26:44,302 --> 00:26:46,271
- It's gonna get on you, then.
- No! No!

374
00:26:46,371 --> 00:26:49,608
- You don't even deserve a selfie.
- Why not? Come on. We talked about this.

375
00:26:49,708 --> 00:26:52,508
I'm gonna take a quick Cana-deuce tomorrow.
I'll be back in the morning.

376
00:26:54,980 --> 00:26:57,048
Making fun of this kid on
the podcast is one thing,

377
00:26:57,148 --> 00:27:01,386
but to go over there to his house...
It's... It's horrible, okay?

378
00:27:01,486 --> 00:27:03,889
- This just feels gamey.
- Gamey?

379
00:27:03,989 --> 00:27:06,057
Ally, the kid reached
out to me! Okay?

380
00:27:06,157 --> 00:27:09,828
He turned down Oprah fucking
Winfrey to talk to me. Me!

381
00:27:09,928 --> 00:27:13,014
Come on, this is huge for the show.
I don't wanna do it.

382
00:27:13,115 --> 00:27:16,868
I don't wanna make of him. But,
it's for the show. It's for the podcast.

383
00:27:16,968 --> 00:27:21,604
You know you're a real fucking asshole.
And this, this does not work for you at all.

384
00:27:23,273 --> 00:27:25,877
Doing your dopey comedy
sketches is bad enough.

385
00:27:26,177 --> 00:27:30,582
But to exploit him to his face...
It's vicious.

386
00:27:31,082 --> 00:27:32,350
- The Wallace I fell in...
- No, that's vicious.

387
00:27:32,450 --> 00:27:36,321
To do what you did, that's vicious.
That's mean, that's exploitative.

388
00:27:36,421 --> 00:27:39,858
- To take a little taste and walk away.
- Are you serious?

389
00:27:39,958 --> 00:27:42,361
The Wallace I fell in love
with would not do that.

390
00:27:42,461 --> 00:27:44,896
The Wallace I fell in love with would
never say this stupid-ass shit.

391
00:27:44,996 --> 00:27:47,766
The Wallace you fell in love with
was an un-funny little dick-hole

392
00:27:47,866 --> 00:27:51,202
who used to make bad <i>Star Wars</i>
puns and couldn't pay his bills.

393
00:27:51,302 --> 00:27:54,105
I... I'm sorry but I kinda
prefer the new Wallace.

394
00:27:54,205 --> 00:27:57,576
New Wallace made 100 grand
in ads alone last year.

395
00:27:57,676 --> 00:28:00,877
That's before the T-shirt sales
and all the live shows. So...

396
00:28:03,915 --> 00:28:06,551
AMC is coming to see the new
Wallace's showcase next week.

397
00:28:06,651 --> 00:28:09,220
Why do you think that is?
'Cause of agents?

398
00:28:09,320 --> 00:28:12,691
'Cause he played the clubs every fucking
night like ol' unfunny Wallace used to?

399
00:28:12,791 --> 00:28:17,095
No. It's 'cause he's a juggernaut of
a podcast, hosted by new Wallace.

400
00:28:17,295 --> 00:28:20,599
Old Wallace! Old Wallace
was a fucking loser

401
00:28:20,699 --> 00:28:24,033
who never popped a piss in
our window to throw it out.

402
00:28:25,669 --> 00:28:28,103
Old Wallace had me.

403
00:28:37,414 --> 00:28:40,118
- He'd like to have you again.
- So take me with you.

404
00:28:40,218 --> 00:28:43,148
If I bring you, you know this.
Teddy gets weird and jealous

405
00:28:43,249 --> 00:28:46,625
and then the show sucks. You know,
he's got this thing. Like if you're around,

406
00:28:46,725 --> 00:28:49,906
I'm not as funny as I usually
am 'cause you're a distraction.

407
00:28:50,007 --> 00:28:51,963
I don't know. I can't figure out
what's going on in that kid's head.

408
00:28:52,063 --> 00:28:54,666
All I know is that if it were up to me,
of course, I would bring you.

409
00:28:54,766 --> 00:28:58,903
Old Wallace wouldn't give a shit, he'd just
take me. He'd just take me anyway.

410
00:28:59,003 --> 00:29:04,375
Well! Old Wallace also used to wear
a fucking stethoscope on stage.

411
00:29:04,775 --> 00:29:09,314
Oh, speaking of... We saw my first
stand-up set on the show today.

412
00:29:09,814 --> 00:29:12,984
It was fucking brutal. It was
even worse than I remembered.

413
00:29:13,084 --> 00:29:18,356
It's really embarrassing, actually.
Teddy was dying. Little shit.

414
00:29:18,456 --> 00:29:21,794
News flash. Cringe humor
attack shit is lame.

415
00:29:22,794 --> 00:29:25,463
Sorry, I didn't hear what you're saying.
I just love that accent.

416
00:29:25,563 --> 00:29:28,367
It's lame, this cringe humor...

417
00:29:28,867 --> 00:29:30,969
- Love your accent.
- I don't talk like that!

418
00:29:31,069 --> 00:29:34,406
- I don't talk like that!
- Listen, 'stache!

419
00:29:34,506 --> 00:29:37,509
That's the worst Latino accent
I have ever heard in my life.

420
00:29:37,609 --> 00:29:39,310
That's the worst Latino
accent I've ever heard...

421
00:29:39,410 --> 00:29:43,248
Can you just turn down the funny
right now, stache. The podcast's not on.

422
00:29:43,348 --> 00:29:44,749
- I know.
- It's just me and you.

423
00:29:44,849 --> 00:29:46,718
I'm trying to be lovey-dovey.
You're fucking it up.

424
00:29:46,818 --> 00:29:52,825
Fuck, it's... Because I have a raging
hard-on! I wanna be lovey-dovey too.

425
00:29:52,926 --> 00:29:55,794
I love lovey-dovey. But we can be lovey-dovey
on the phone when I'm in Canada.

426
00:29:55,894 --> 00:29:59,070
You know what we can't do on the phone?
Fuck. Why don't we that right now?

427
00:29:59,171 --> 00:30:04,002
Come on. See? Come on.
New Wallace is kinda funny.

428
00:30:04,302 --> 00:30:09,141
Yeah, he can be kinda funny.
I just... I miss old Wallace.

429
00:30:09,741 --> 00:30:12,243
I miss you. I miss the real you.
Is he in there?

430
00:30:12,343 --> 00:30:15,180
You know, that geeky kid.

431
00:30:15,280 --> 00:30:16,648
- Who even thanked me on stage.
- Geeky?

432
00:30:16,748 --> 00:30:19,050
Yeah, geeky.

433
00:30:19,150 --> 00:30:22,387
I miss the guy who told me,
he loved me the first time we had sex.

434
00:30:22,687 --> 00:30:25,888
The guy who gets baked and cries
watching <i>Winnie the Pooh.</i>

435
00:30:26,824 --> 00:30:30,325
You're so sweet. Such a softy.

436
00:30:30,527 --> 00:30:32,561
Nothing soft about me now.

437
00:30:33,497 --> 00:30:36,098
Yeah, I know and it sucks.

438
00:30:36,433 --> 00:30:38,067
- Relax.
- Okay.

439
00:31:49,139 --> 00:31:50,806
What?

440
00:31:51,741 --> 00:31:53,375
Well...

441
00:31:53,777 --> 00:31:55,744
Look who's back.

442
00:32:02,119 --> 00:32:05,588
I must say you scared
the bejesus out of me.

443
00:32:06,790 --> 00:32:09,191
Oh, what kind of nurse am I?

444
00:32:10,394 --> 00:32:13,362
Here you go, here's your cup.

445
00:32:17,267 --> 00:32:20,569
Wet your whistle,
my dry little thistle.

446
00:32:25,108 --> 00:32:27,779
What... Wha...

447
00:32:27,879 --> 00:32:29,711
What happened?

448
00:32:29,880 --> 00:32:33,184
Oh, my dear boy. Well,
you passed out right in front of me.

449
00:32:33,284 --> 00:32:36,721
Yeah. So tired.

450
00:32:36,921 --> 00:32:41,159
I mean, one moment, I'm waxing
lyrically about my many ocean voyages,

451
00:32:41,260 --> 00:32:44,295
and the next thing I know, you fell
out of your chair and collapsed.

452
00:32:44,395 --> 00:32:46,397
I didn't know what it
was until I looked down,

453
00:32:46,497 --> 00:32:51,066
and I saw this rather intimidating
spider crawling down your pant leg.

454
00:32:51,601 --> 00:32:53,269
Spider?

455
00:32:54,304 --> 00:32:56,541
Yes, a brown recluse.

456
00:32:56,641 --> 00:33:00,175
A rather toxic little insect.
These woods are full of them.

457
00:33:00,610 --> 00:33:03,245
Yeah, some of them are poisonous.

458
00:33:06,416 --> 00:33:09,051
Oh, shit! A spider bit me?

459
00:33:09,219 --> 00:33:13,158
- Yes, well, I'm so sorry.
- Where's my phone?

460
00:33:13,758 --> 00:33:16,795
- Phone?
- I got to make a call.

461
00:33:17,495 --> 00:33:21,366
Well, I'm afraid the doctor
stepped on it and broke it.

462
00:33:21,466 --> 00:33:23,632
I'm afraid it lies in pieces.

463
00:33:25,168 --> 00:33:27,038
There was a doctor here?

464
00:33:27,138 --> 00:33:29,707
Yes, Doctor Moseeay.

465
00:33:29,807 --> 00:33:32,210
He lives just up the
road around 8 miles.

466
00:33:32,310 --> 00:33:35,480
- Moseeay? Kind of a funny name.
- Yeah. Yeah.

467
00:33:35,780 --> 00:33:38,716
He was here within a
half an hour of your...

468
00:33:38,816 --> 00:33:40,749
incident.

469
00:33:41,184 --> 00:33:43,187
I forget your name.

470
00:33:43,287 --> 00:33:46,657
My name? Howard Howe.

471
00:33:46,757 --> 00:33:49,194
Howard, I can't feel my legs.

472
00:33:49,894 --> 00:33:53,294
Well, that would be the spinal
injection you see. They...

473
00:33:53,864 --> 00:33:58,800
The Recluse sank her fangs into you and
filled you with so much poison that your...

474
00:33:59,569 --> 00:34:02,206
your ankle was the size
of an elephant's leg.

475
00:34:02,306 --> 00:34:04,475
Oh, shit.

476
00:34:04,575 --> 00:34:08,410
- What kind of an elephant?
- A very fat one.

477
00:34:09,713 --> 00:34:12,216
- Shit!
- Yeah.

478
00:34:12,316 --> 00:34:15,920
So, with the venom
traveling to your heart

479
00:34:16,020 --> 00:34:18,489
it forced the doctor,
to save your life,

480
00:34:18,589 --> 00:34:21,891
to take, as we say...
drastic measures.

481
00:34:30,901 --> 00:34:32,768
Oh, my God!

482
00:34:33,570 --> 00:34:36,574
Oh, my God. Holy shit!

483
00:34:36,674 --> 00:34:38,708
There's no leg there.

484
00:34:39,743 --> 00:34:43,514
Doesn't appear to be. Just let
it out, dear boy. Let it all out.

485
00:34:43,614 --> 00:34:47,685
My leg is off. Oh, my God.

486
00:34:47,785 --> 00:34:50,621
Nature can be very
red in tooth and claw.

487
00:34:50,721 --> 00:34:53,057
- What?
- Tennyson.

488
00:34:53,357 --> 00:34:55,660
What the fuck are you talking about?

489
00:34:55,760 --> 00:34:58,763
Why am I still here?
Why aren't I in the hospital?

490
00:34:58,863 --> 00:35:01,363
Well, hospitals...

491
00:35:01,598 --> 00:35:05,770
carry diseases. So, Dr. Moseeay
thought it would be best if you...

492
00:35:05,870 --> 00:35:09,541
well, just stay here since
the room is sanitized all day.

493
00:35:09,641 --> 00:35:11,642
It would be best if
you recuperate here.

494
00:35:11,742 --> 00:35:13,711
It doesn't make any sense.

495
00:35:13,811 --> 00:35:16,381
Spider. The spider bit you.

496
00:35:16,481 --> 00:35:19,984
All right, I wanna walk to this guy.
Where's the doctor? I wanna talk to him.

497
00:35:20,084 --> 00:35:24,890
Well... the doctor's
making his rounds.

498
00:35:25,390 --> 00:35:28,026
Rounds? What rounds?
We're in the middle of nowhere!

499
00:35:28,126 --> 00:35:32,631
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, we're not. No, we're not, Mr. Bryton.

500
00:35:32,731 --> 00:35:36,968
I've been to the middle of nowhere.
And it is a ghastly place.

501
00:35:37,468 --> 00:35:41,939
I don't want to hear your fucking stories.
What the fuck is this?

502
00:35:43,039 --> 00:35:44,775
Why are you laughing?

503
00:35:44,876 --> 00:35:49,180
You're funny. That's a belt to keep you
from falling out of your chair, you see.

504
00:35:49,280 --> 00:35:50,215
Why?

505
00:35:50,315 --> 00:35:53,852
The belt is to keep you from falling
over until the spinal wears off...

506
00:35:54,152 --> 00:35:57,188
Spinal wears off and you get full
control of your faculties again.

507
00:35:57,288 --> 00:36:00,455
That is, most of your faculties.

508
00:36:01,625 --> 00:36:05,229
I... I need a phone.
I gotta call my family.

509
00:36:05,329 --> 00:36:07,698
Doctor Moseeay removed all
the phones from the house.

510
00:36:07,798 --> 00:36:10,268
- He didn't want you disturbed.
- What the fuck?

511
00:36:10,368 --> 00:36:15,706
So, I'll talk to him and I can ask him
if you can call home after supper.

512
00:36:16,006 --> 00:36:17,375
I gotta call.

513
00:36:17,475 --> 00:36:20,745
So it would be best if you take a nap.
You're heavily, heavily tranquilized.

514
00:36:20,845 --> 00:36:22,781
I got to tell my family.

515
00:36:23,381 --> 00:36:26,184
I gotta use a phone...
I gotta talk to a doctor.

516
00:36:26,284 --> 00:36:28,619
- Moseeay, Dr. Moseeay.
- I wanna talk to him.

517
00:36:28,719 --> 00:36:31,820
Well, you can't. You see,
he is on his rounds.

518
00:36:32,522 --> 00:36:34,256
You give me a phone.

519
00:36:34,624 --> 00:36:38,963
Don't have a phone.
The doctor removed them all.

520
00:36:39,063 --> 00:36:41,766
That's... insane.

521
00:36:41,866 --> 00:36:44,299
Possibly so, but it's true.

522
00:36:48,338 --> 00:36:51,841
We sup at 6:00 sharp.

523
00:36:54,377 --> 00:36:56,077
Wait, wait.

524
00:36:56,546 --> 00:36:58,913
Wait, wait, wait.

525
00:36:59,349 --> 00:37:01,216
All right, wait.

526
00:37:07,257 --> 00:37:09,257
I am...

527
00:37:11,761 --> 00:37:15,363
truly sorry for your loss.

528
00:37:33,783 --> 00:37:35,851
You're not eating?

529
00:37:46,630 --> 00:37:48,697
I can't move my arms.

530
00:37:50,267 --> 00:37:51,833
Well...

531
00:37:53,370 --> 00:37:55,670
That would be the morphine.

532
00:38:01,044 --> 00:38:03,515
It is capital for the leg pain,

533
00:38:04,115 --> 00:38:08,719
and perhaps the only thing keeps
you from howling in agony.

534
00:38:08,819 --> 00:38:12,620
But it does tend to
leave one a bit sleepy.

535
00:38:16,159 --> 00:38:17,893
I'm not sleepy.

536
00:38:18,328 --> 00:38:22,097
At all. I'm immobilized.

537
00:38:23,900 --> 00:38:25,600
Well...

538
00:38:25,969 --> 00:38:27,736
You know...

539
00:38:28,972 --> 00:38:30,739
I was thinking...

540
00:38:31,474 --> 00:38:35,677
the melancholy of losing a limb

541
00:38:36,413 --> 00:38:40,318
must be akin to mourning
a close friend that you

542
00:38:40,418 --> 00:38:43,451
too often took for granted.

543
00:38:55,498 --> 00:38:57,966
There was no spider, was there?

544
00:38:59,636 --> 00:39:02,070
Yes, there was. A brown recluse.

545
00:39:03,340 --> 00:39:06,244
Colloquially called the hobo spider.

546
00:39:06,344 --> 00:39:08,376
That's interesting.

547
00:39:09,979 --> 00:39:11,913
And you saw it?

548
00:39:13,082 --> 00:39:14,783
Yeah.

549
00:39:15,719 --> 00:39:18,353
You saw the spider?

550
00:39:20,490 --> 00:39:22,960
I... I just wish that I had
spied the little creature

551
00:39:23,060 --> 00:39:26,361
before it so viciously attacked you.

552
00:39:29,733 --> 00:39:31,666
What'd it look like?

553
00:39:34,237 --> 00:39:35,773
The Arachnid Assailant?

554
00:39:35,873 --> 00:39:37,906
- Yeah.
- Well...

555
00:39:39,142 --> 00:39:41,646
A typical spider...

556
00:39:42,046 --> 00:39:45,847
a legion of legs, you know, etc, etc.
It was very small though.

557
00:39:47,817 --> 00:39:51,455
So small you might even
call it Itsy Bitsy.

558
00:39:51,555 --> 00:39:56,227
<i>The Itsy, Bitsy Spider
went up the water spout</i>

559
00:39:56,327 --> 00:39:57,528
Holy shit...

560
00:39:57,628 --> 00:40:02,266
<i>Down came the rain
and washed the spider out</i>

561
00:40:02,366 --> 00:40:05,269
Let me out of this chair,
you fucking psycho!

562
00:40:05,569 --> 00:40:09,604
Let me out! Let me out,
you old fucking nutbag!

563
00:40:16,346 --> 00:40:19,180
Help! Somebody help!

564
00:40:38,101 --> 00:40:42,441
Now, shall we dispense
with the chuffa, Mr. Bryton?

565
00:40:43,741 --> 00:40:48,212
Perhaps it would be best, in this,
our burgeoning relationship,

566
00:40:48,312 --> 00:40:52,314
to reveal our hearts
with absolute candor.

567
00:40:53,884 --> 00:40:57,819
See, for some time now

568
00:40:58,421 --> 00:41:01,723
I've been constructing

569
00:41:01,958 --> 00:41:06,127
a very realistic walrus suit.

570
00:41:07,230 --> 00:41:08,767
What?

571
00:41:08,867 --> 00:41:14,405
And I believe with just a few minor
modifications it will fit you perfectly.

572
00:41:14,505 --> 00:41:18,876
Jesus. What the fuck, man?

573
00:41:18,976 --> 00:41:24,816
But, whilst in the walrus
suit you must be a walrus.

574
00:41:25,416 --> 00:41:27,718
There will be no sound
of a human voice.

575
00:41:27,818 --> 00:41:30,988
You must communicate
everything you do

576
00:41:31,088 --> 00:41:34,222
as a walrus. Do you understand?

577
00:41:34,791 --> 00:41:37,561
Please... please...

578
00:41:37,661 --> 00:41:39,163
No, no, no.

579
00:41:39,263 --> 00:41:42,800
Be not vexed or heavy
of heart, Mr. Bryton.

580
00:41:43,000 --> 00:41:48,673
We two are embarking on an expedition
not unlike that of the doomed <i>Anastasia.</i>

581
00:41:49,473 --> 00:41:52,077
Their mistake was they look
for the monsters out there.

582
00:41:52,977 --> 00:41:57,812
They shouldn't have left the dock.
The beast has always lied within.

583
00:42:01,885 --> 00:42:05,723
Why? Why are you doing this?

584
00:42:05,823 --> 00:42:09,824
Why? Why?

585
00:42:11,327 --> 00:42:14,432
To solve a riddle older
than the Sphinx.

586
00:42:14,532 --> 00:42:17,301
To answer the question
which has plagued us

587
00:42:17,401 --> 00:42:22,537
since we first crawled from this
Earth and stood erect in the sun.

588
00:42:24,807 --> 00:42:28,746
Is man, indeed,

589
00:42:28,846 --> 00:42:31,946
a walrus at heart?

590
00:42:37,722 --> 00:42:40,089
Help!

591
00:43:04,047 --> 00:43:06,881
I almost told him, before he left.

592
00:43:09,152 --> 00:43:11,385
Sometimes I forget,

593
00:43:12,789 --> 00:43:15,256
that my life is...

594
00:43:16,259 --> 00:43:20,995
an intricate, delicate web of lies.

595
00:43:23,032 --> 00:43:25,767
And I feel so normal...

596
00:43:26,068 --> 00:43:28,002
so banal.

597
00:43:30,139 --> 00:43:33,674
It feels so amazing to be boring.

598
00:43:34,210 --> 00:43:38,312
And faithful. And sinless.

599
00:43:41,084 --> 00:43:44,018
I even forget what
we're doing to him.

600
00:43:46,623 --> 00:43:49,824
Till I remember what he does to me...

601
00:43:50,126 --> 00:43:54,129
with all those empty women.

602
00:43:56,232 --> 00:43:59,534
And it... crushes me.

603
00:44:00,970 --> 00:44:03,571
And I hate him.

604
00:44:05,274 --> 00:44:10,211
I hate him. But I hate
myself so much more...

605
00:44:11,447 --> 00:44:14,915
for letting any man do this to me.

606
00:44:17,086 --> 00:44:20,588
I'm happy my dad's
not alive to see this.

607
00:44:22,325 --> 00:44:25,195
To see his only little girl

608
00:44:25,295 --> 00:44:30,765
put her life on hold for some
cheating fucking asshole.

609
00:44:32,669 --> 00:44:35,203
And I just wanna fucking die.

610
00:44:43,446 --> 00:44:47,251
But every time he destroys me, you...

611
00:44:47,351 --> 00:44:49,884
you bring me back.

612
00:44:51,954 --> 00:44:54,889
You make me feel beautiful again.

613
00:44:55,825 --> 00:44:58,026
Cherished...

614
00:44:59,962 --> 00:45:03,030
You give me my humanity.

615
00:45:04,267 --> 00:45:08,806
Even though we're stripping it down
every time we're doing this, I...

616
00:45:08,906 --> 00:45:10,905
Honestly...

617
00:45:11,307 --> 00:45:14,341
I don't know how to live without you.

618
00:45:15,411 --> 00:45:18,616
So look out, you crazy Canucks.
Something weird-ass this way comes!

619
00:45:18,716 --> 00:45:22,640
Next week, Wanderin' Wallace takes a raunchy
road trip up to the Great White North

620
00:45:22,741 --> 00:45:26,090
to meet with a star. I will be
staying at home. Per usual.

621
00:45:26,190 --> 00:45:29,794
Doing what, Teddy? Why don't you film it?
Let's have a real laugh after that tape.

622
00:45:29,894 --> 00:45:33,631
I... I will be taking your
significant other to the Getty

623
00:45:33,731 --> 00:45:37,067
because in her words,
"You don't get art."

624
00:45:37,167 --> 00:45:39,003
I get art too. Why do you
keep saying that? I get art.

625
00:45:39,103 --> 00:45:40,938
I get it when it's got my face on it.

626
00:45:41,038 --> 00:45:42,973
It's all over the wall. Look at it.
Look at all this. This is art.

627
00:45:43,073 --> 00:45:45,509
- Do you think this is art?
- It's like a me-seum.

628
00:45:45,609 --> 00:45:49,447
It's not wrong... all over
the walls of this... studio.

629
00:45:49,547 --> 00:45:53,350
We sort of created a
man cave/masturbation chamber,

630
00:45:53,450 --> 00:45:55,553
to while away the hours in.

631
00:45:55,653 --> 00:45:58,255
I got to say, I've never jerked
off in here, which is surprising,

632
00:45:58,355 --> 00:46:00,824
- 'cause I jerk off all the time.
- I don't believe you.

633
00:46:00,924 --> 00:46:03,427
Okay, you're right to not to believe me.
Teddy, you are my fucking hero.

634
00:46:03,527 --> 00:46:06,497
You're taking my girlfriend to the Getty.
Ally and Teddy go to the Getty.

635
00:46:06,597 --> 00:46:07,965
It's adorable.
It's like a children's book.

636
00:46:08,065 --> 00:46:11,489
- Until next time, I'm Teddy Craft.
- And this is Wallace Bryton

637
00:46:11,590 --> 00:46:15,403
reminding you to
join ze Not-See Party!

638
00:46:16,772 --> 00:46:20,078
- Clear! Nice!
- That was amazing!

639
00:46:20,178 --> 00:46:22,365
I don't know where you were going with
that video but I'm glad you did it.

640
00:46:22,466 --> 00:46:24,481
It was embarrassing, but shit,
that was fucking funny.

641
00:46:24,581 --> 00:46:26,584
All fucking hail the Not-See Party!

642
00:46:26,884 --> 00:46:30,854
- Yeah, everyone except Ally.
- Dude, she just wants to go with you.

643
00:46:30,954 --> 00:46:34,024
I know. I know! Teddy, why are you
always defending her? It's so weird.

644
00:46:34,124 --> 00:46:36,794
And I know she wants to come.
But you know, her whole thing is like,

645
00:46:36,894 --> 00:46:39,196
"Wally, why do you have
to do such mean comedy?"

646
00:46:39,296 --> 00:46:40,498
That doesn't even sound like her.

647
00:46:40,598 --> 00:46:42,740
I can't have her around if I'm
gonna get real with this kid.

648
00:46:42,841 --> 00:46:45,057
And I got to get real with him.
This is way too important.

649
00:46:45,158 --> 00:46:49,440
I can't be me if she is there. I also can't
get road-head if she's there either.

650
00:46:49,840 --> 00:46:52,242
You're a fucking numbskull to
cheat on someone that hot.

651
00:46:52,342 --> 00:46:54,945
Teddy, it has nothing to do with
how hot she is. I know she's hot.

652
00:46:55,145 --> 00:46:59,583
But there's some top shelf ass out
there who listen to us. I'm not kidding.

653
00:46:59,683 --> 00:47:02,820
Plus you haven't seen these other girls.
I mean don't short change them, okay?

654
00:47:02,920 --> 00:47:05,623
These fan girls, they may be pasty
and a little chunky, but they're...

655
00:47:05,723 --> 00:47:08,525
- They're really sexual.
- You bring shame to the Not-See Party.

656
00:47:08,625 --> 00:47:11,528
I know Ally's hot. It doesn't
take away from how hot she is.

657
00:47:11,628 --> 00:47:14,932
I'm not married to her. I know I sound
shitty right now. I can see you judging me.

658
00:47:15,032 --> 00:47:17,735
- You going to Ally's now?
- Fuck, yeah, I'm going over there now.

659
00:47:17,835 --> 00:47:19,603
I wanna try to break one
off before I fly tomorrow.

660
00:47:19,703 --> 00:47:22,072
So I can get all quiet and
peaceful in the plane,

661
00:47:22,172 --> 00:47:26,210
and I don't cause any disturbances
at the airport. It... It's like my Xanax.

662
00:47:26,310 --> 00:47:28,743
I got to get the white out and
I go to bed, like a little baby.

663
00:48:07,316 --> 00:48:08,984
Fuck.

664
00:48:21,430 --> 00:48:23,365
He hasn't called me in three days.

665
00:48:27,670 --> 00:48:31,105
I have this pain in my stomach. I...

666
00:48:32,209 --> 00:48:34,108
I'm worried.

667
00:48:37,947 --> 00:48:43,150
Ally. Ally, you got to help me.
I swear to God I'm not joking, okay?

668
00:48:43,619 --> 00:48:46,790
I was abducted. I'm in Manitoba.

669
00:48:46,890 --> 00:48:50,160
This guy wants to turn me
into an animal or something!

670
00:48:50,260 --> 00:48:55,395
He's fucking nuts! You gotta
please come! Please! Please! Please!

671
00:48:56,365 --> 00:49:02,136
I don't know where he is. But I'm
somewhere in his weird fucking house.

672
00:49:02,605 --> 00:49:05,973
I'm like two hours from Winnipeg.

673
00:49:07,443 --> 00:49:10,211
I'm so fucking scared.

674
00:49:10,813 --> 00:49:13,281
I'm so scared I'm not
gonna see you again.

675
00:49:14,583 --> 00:49:17,218
I'm sorry I was such an asshole.

676
00:49:17,887 --> 00:49:20,020
I'm so sorry.

677
00:49:21,290 --> 00:49:24,528
He cut off my fucking leg, Ally.

678
00:49:24,728 --> 00:49:30,635
Okay? Please. Okay. Okay,
just get here, okay? Call the cops.

679
00:49:31,735 --> 00:49:35,603
Ally... Ally, I don't
wanna die in Canada.

680
00:49:36,505 --> 00:49:38,606
I don't wanna die at all.

681
00:49:38,808 --> 00:49:41,244
Oh, fuck.

682
00:49:42,044 --> 00:49:43,978
Fuck.

683
00:49:47,249 --> 00:49:49,019
Okay.

684
00:49:49,319 --> 00:49:51,154
Oh, Teddy, pick up.

685
00:49:51,254 --> 00:49:55,692
<i>I... honestly...</i>

686
00:49:55,792 --> 00:49:58,593
<i>I don't know how to live without you.</i>

687
00:50:00,329 --> 00:50:04,765
So go brush your teeth and
come back to bed, because...

688
00:50:05,368 --> 00:50:08,436
I don't want to sit
here crying all night.

689
00:50:27,390 --> 00:50:32,660
Teddy, it's me! I swear to God this is
no fucking joke. I'm being held captive.

690
00:50:33,963 --> 00:50:37,538
I'm not kidding, I'm being held
captive by some crazy motherfucker.

691
00:50:37,639 --> 00:50:41,405
He cut off my fucking leg!
Listen to me, you gotta call the cops.

692
00:50:41,705 --> 00:50:44,908
I'm, like... I'm, like,
two hours north of Winnipeg.

693
00:50:45,008 --> 00:50:49,546
I'm somewhere... I'm somewhere in,
like, bumfuck Manitoba.

694
00:50:49,646 --> 00:50:54,517
This guy's name is Howard Howe, okay?
It's Howard Howe.

695
00:50:54,617 --> 00:50:58,155
You gotta call the cops.
Call the cops.

696
00:50:58,255 --> 00:51:01,091
I don't know exactly what happened.
I'm scared shitless, man.

697
00:51:01,191 --> 00:51:03,758
I think he wants to
turn me into, like, a...

698
00:51:06,161 --> 00:51:08,296
What the fuck was that?

699
00:51:10,166 --> 00:51:12,669
Your life as you knew
it is over, Mr. Bryton.

700
00:51:12,769 --> 00:51:15,138
So if you wish to continue living,

701
00:51:15,238 --> 00:51:19,441
you will be a walrus,
or you'll be nothing at all.

702
00:52:12,261 --> 00:52:15,832
- This'll fucking help.
<i>- Ally. Ally, you've got to help me.</i>

703
00:52:15,932 --> 00:52:18,969
<i>I swear to God I'm not joking, okay?</i>

704
00:52:19,569 --> 00:52:22,372
<i>I was abducted. I'm in Manitoba.</i>

705
00:52:22,472 --> 00:52:26,507
<i>This guy wants to turn me
into an animal or something.</i>

706
00:52:27,610 --> 00:52:31,513
Teddy. Ted. Ted.

707
00:52:31,881 --> 00:52:34,718
Wake up. Wallace. It's Wallace.

708
00:52:34,818 --> 00:52:37,852
- What?
- He's in trouble. He's in trouble.

709
00:52:39,221 --> 00:52:40,554
What?

710
00:52:41,924 --> 00:52:43,958
Oh, my God, he called you too.

711
00:52:44,093 --> 00:52:47,462
Oh, my God. Check it.

712
00:52:59,275 --> 00:53:04,145
Well, someone's looking for Wallace!

713
00:53:06,015 --> 00:53:08,218
It must be nice to know that
somebody cares about you that much.

714
00:53:08,318 --> 00:53:11,255
Just what I felt on the
island with Mr. Tusk.

715
00:53:11,755 --> 00:53:15,793
He was the only living thing that
ever had my best interests at heart.

716
00:53:16,493 --> 00:53:19,629
As a child, I was not cared
for so much as I was...

717
00:53:19,729 --> 00:53:22,432
filed away, like a document.

718
00:53:22,532 --> 00:53:27,771
A document fed into a shredding machine
and fueled by the blood of the innocent.

719
00:53:27,871 --> 00:53:31,708
You see, I am a Duplessis Orphan.

720
00:53:32,008 --> 00:53:34,370
Now, Maurice Duplessis

721
00:53:34,471 --> 00:53:38,780
was the Premier of
Quebec in those days.

722
00:53:39,548 --> 00:53:41,418
He was the head of the
Conservative Party

723
00:53:41,518 --> 00:53:45,989
and with strong ties to the Catholic Church.
As a matter of fact,

724
00:53:46,489 --> 00:53:49,893
it was in collusion with
these charlatans of the Lord

725
00:53:49,993 --> 00:53:55,599
that Duplessis brought upon
Quebec <i>La Grande Noirceur...</i>

726
00:53:55,699 --> 00:53:58,232
"The Great Darkness."

727
00:53:58,601 --> 00:54:03,373
As a boy of 10, my mother and
father took me to Montreal.

728
00:54:03,673 --> 00:54:07,711
I had never seen anything so beautiful and
bright and big and wonderful in my life.

729
00:54:08,111 --> 00:54:09,846
But...

730
00:54:09,946 --> 00:54:13,150
When night falls in Montreal,

731
00:54:13,250 --> 00:54:16,287
the monsters come out to play.

732
00:54:17,587 --> 00:54:20,323
We were walking to dinner, and were
accosted by brigands in a back alley.

733
00:54:20,423 --> 00:54:23,026
My father was stabbed several
times with the mugger's knife.

734
00:54:23,126 --> 00:54:27,797
And my mother's throat was slashed,
as if she were cattle.

735
00:54:27,897 --> 00:54:31,835
I was placed in an abandoned
boys' home in Quebec.

736
00:54:31,935 --> 00:54:34,638
Boys whose lives had been destroyed.

737
00:54:34,738 --> 00:54:38,508
Provinces were responsible financially
for all of the orphanages.

738
00:54:38,608 --> 00:54:43,914
The government was responsible
for the mental institutions.

739
00:54:44,014 --> 00:54:50,220
So Duplessis and the Church, they came
up with a scheme to obtain more money

740
00:54:50,620 --> 00:54:55,659
by reclassifying the orphanages
as mental health-care facilities.

741
00:54:55,759 --> 00:54:58,461
And when nobody raised
their voice in protest,

742
00:54:58,561 --> 00:55:03,971
why, they just shut down the orphanages
and sent all the children, including me,

743
00:55:04,072 --> 00:55:09,206
to insane asylums.
And so for the next five years,

744
00:55:09,306 --> 00:55:12,573
I was beaten, I was tortured,

745
00:55:13,108 --> 00:55:15,478
I was raped.

746
00:55:15,578 --> 00:55:19,850
I have had things in my mouth that
no human being should ever taste.

747
00:55:19,950 --> 00:55:23,186
They never thought of me as a person.
They just thought to use me.

748
00:55:23,286 --> 00:55:25,419
And use me they did.

749
00:55:26,488 --> 00:55:30,527
Priests, politicians...

750
00:55:30,627 --> 00:55:32,462
all pederasts.

751
00:55:32,562 --> 00:55:36,434
Even the nurses and nuns
and night watchmen.

752
00:55:37,334 --> 00:55:39,936
All of them witches,
all there to satisfy

753
00:55:40,036 --> 00:55:43,873
their most base physical
and financial desires...

754
00:55:43,973 --> 00:55:47,275
through the rectum
and lips of a child.

755
00:55:48,277 --> 00:55:51,946
So with no one to answer
to for their horrid crimes,

756
00:55:53,282 --> 00:55:56,283
these devils ran amuck
with my innocence.

757
00:55:56,985 --> 00:56:02,526
But at age 15, I escaped Canada.

758
00:56:03,026 --> 00:56:08,032
I went to the United States,
got on a boat, and never looked back.

759
00:56:09,032 --> 00:56:11,232
Until now.

760
00:56:12,100 --> 00:56:13,703
Yes...

761
00:56:13,903 --> 00:56:17,338
Man is a savage animal, Mr. Bryton.

762
00:56:23,145 --> 00:56:25,980
Better to be a walrus.

763
00:56:35,324 --> 00:56:38,128
Yes, Officer, it's B-R-Y-T-O-N...

764
00:56:38,428 --> 00:56:41,464
We know he rented a car, but we
don't know exactly where from,

765
00:56:41,564 --> 00:56:44,778
so as soon as we land in Winnipeg,
we're just gonna go to every rental desk

766
00:56:44,879 --> 00:56:47,170
at the airport and see if
anyone recognizes him.

767
00:56:47,270 --> 00:56:50,273
Tell 'em if can't find the agency,
we can find the car using its GPS system.

768
00:56:50,373 --> 00:56:53,877
Recent pictures? Yes, there are some
recent pictures up on the website.

769
00:56:53,977 --> 00:56:55,979
- It's NotSeeParty.com...
- Spell it, spell it!

770
00:56:56,079 --> 00:57:00,047
Hello? Hello? They fucking hung up.

771
00:57:37,252 --> 00:57:40,123
"The sun was shining on the sea

772
00:57:40,223 --> 00:57:42,692
"Shining with all his might

773
00:57:42,792 --> 00:57:47,929
"He did his very best to make
the billows smooth and bright

774
00:57:48,831 --> 00:57:53,036
"And this was odd, because it was

775
00:57:53,136 --> 00:57:56,303
"The middle of the night."

776
00:58:05,648 --> 00:58:10,387
Oh, now, now, Mr. Tusk. There,
there, there, I understand.

777
00:58:10,587 --> 00:58:13,523
It's so very hard to be...

778
00:58:13,623 --> 00:58:16,292
the elephant of the deep blue sea.

779
00:58:17,092 --> 00:58:19,581
Stop, stop. Stop it. Stop it.

780
00:58:19,682 --> 00:58:22,163
Walruses never cry!

781
00:58:35,043 --> 00:58:37,378
Oh, I've missed you, Mr. Tusk.

782
00:58:41,150 --> 00:58:45,553
How I've missed our merry times
together on Ponder Rock.

783
00:58:54,830 --> 00:58:59,035
<i>I've regretted every day my
return to this wretched...</i>

784
00:58:59,135 --> 00:59:01,404
<i>civilization.</i>

785
00:59:01,504 --> 00:59:04,808
<i>This anxious, silly world,</i>

786
00:59:04,908 --> 00:59:09,046
<i>with all the banality
of a breakfast cereal.</i>

787
00:59:09,546 --> 00:59:14,651
<i>The worst of man has long been
fetid with greed and indifference.</i>

788
00:59:14,751 --> 00:59:17,020
<i>The best of man</i>

789
00:59:17,120 --> 00:59:22,789
<i>has long been lobotomized
by reality television.</i>

790
00:59:23,126 --> 00:59:26,663
<i>I never should have
left the wilderness.</i>

791
00:59:26,763 --> 00:59:28,499
<i>I never should have left you.</i>

792
00:59:29,399 --> 00:59:33,837
<i>- This writhing nest of two-legged bipeds...</i>
- Wallace!

793
00:59:33,937 --> 00:59:38,575
<i>Each devouring the
other to stay alive.</i>

794
00:59:38,675 --> 00:59:42,075
<i>And I betrayed you for what?</i>

795
00:59:42,177 --> 00:59:43,980
<i>Man's world?</i>

796
00:59:44,280 --> 00:59:47,451
<i>An immoral cesspool,</i>

797
00:59:48,051 --> 00:59:51,321
<i>boded with the wayward
and the destitute...</i>

798
00:59:51,421 --> 00:59:55,959
<i>Howard Howe. You gotta call
the cops. Call the cops.</i>

799
00:59:56,559 --> 00:59:59,797
<i>I don't know exactly what happened.
I'm scared shitless, man.</i>

800
00:59:59,897 --> 01:00:03,000
<i>I think he wants to turn
me into, like, a... like, a...</i>

801
01:00:04,400 --> 01:00:07,537
- That's it?
- It just ends.

802
01:00:07,637 --> 01:00:09,539
Are you sure he is not
pulling your legs?

803
01:00:09,639 --> 01:00:12,108
Getting up to some good old
American monkeyshines?

804
01:00:12,208 --> 01:00:15,678
- That doesn't sound like monkeyshines.
- But you say you do these comedy podcasts.

805
01:00:15,778 --> 01:00:18,448
- Could this just be for grins and giggles?
- We do... We do a podcast.

806
01:00:18,548 --> 01:00:21,718
But he wouldn't take something this far.
He's not that kind of guy.

807
01:00:21,818 --> 01:00:25,021
Okay, now stick with me here.
I don't mean to be indelicate,

808
01:00:25,121 --> 01:00:27,624
but could there be some
sort of sexual angle?

809
01:00:27,724 --> 01:00:31,358
A romantic entanglement?
An affair or something?

810
01:00:34,062 --> 01:00:36,796
No. He's not that kind of guy.

811
01:00:38,133 --> 01:00:41,070
Okay. Well, I did some checking,

812
01:00:41,170 --> 01:00:45,441
and we don't have a Howard
Howe anywhere in Manitoba.

813
01:00:45,541 --> 01:00:46,543
Shit!

814
01:00:46,643 --> 01:00:48,578
With regard to your friend,
I asked Border Patrol

815
01:00:48,678 --> 01:00:51,214
if they got a report of him
leaving the country yet.

816
01:00:51,314 --> 01:00:55,852
They say he come into Winnipeg,
and that's it. Don't you two worry.

817
01:00:55,952 --> 01:00:59,689
I'm gonna issue a Missing Persons on him,
same as they do in the States.

818
01:00:59,789 --> 01:01:01,491
Thank you.

819
01:01:01,591 --> 01:01:04,024
But I'll tell you, that leg bit...

820
01:01:05,428 --> 01:01:09,265
It sure puts the BM in the PM's coffee?
That is something.

821
01:01:09,365 --> 01:01:13,536
- It's creepy, right?
- No, no, it's something.

822
01:01:13,736 --> 01:01:17,440
I had a fella come in here
from Quebec two days ago,

823
01:01:17,540 --> 01:01:20,310
asking about any legless bodies
that might've turned up.

824
01:01:20,810 --> 01:01:25,682
Used to be a cop. Said he is
hunting some kinda serial killer.

825
01:01:26,382 --> 01:01:28,685
I told him, "Canada doesn't
have any serial killers.

826
01:01:28,785 --> 01:01:30,887
"Unless you count the pothead

827
01:01:30,987 --> 01:01:34,057
"who took out all the Cap'n
Crunch last night at the -2-Zed."

828
01:01:34,457 --> 01:01:36,192
Anyway...

829
01:01:36,292 --> 01:01:39,996
He gave me his number and he left it.

830
01:01:40,096 --> 01:01:41,796
I'll take it.

831
01:01:53,709 --> 01:01:55,643
Ahoy, matey!

832
01:02:04,686 --> 01:02:07,521
You know, it occurs to me...

833
01:02:09,092 --> 01:02:11,928
that if you are to
fulfill your destiny...

834
01:02:12,528 --> 01:02:15,362
If you are to be a true walrus...

835
01:02:17,099 --> 01:02:19,633
Well, Mr. Tusk...

836
01:02:20,368 --> 01:02:23,871
a walrus must learn to swim.

837
01:02:38,119 --> 01:02:40,590
Good! Good!

838
01:02:40,690 --> 01:02:44,761
Now, that's it. Show me
how the fishies swim.

839
01:02:46,061 --> 01:02:48,729
Swim. Now, come on.

840
01:02:50,031 --> 01:02:53,133
Come on, damn you. Swim!

841
01:03:05,647 --> 01:03:08,716
Yes, come on. Swim!

842
01:03:44,753 --> 01:03:48,758
I am Guy Lapointe.
That is my name. Guy Lapointe.

843
01:03:48,858 --> 01:03:54,530
And I spend 20 years as the
inspector of the Surete du Quebec.

844
01:03:54,630 --> 01:03:57,700
And but for the last
10 years of my life,

845
01:03:57,800 --> 01:04:00,236
I have been hunting an animal

846
01:04:00,336 --> 01:04:04,240
who is doing the
masquerade as the man.

847
01:04:04,340 --> 01:04:07,944
I have been hunting this Howard Howe.

848
01:04:08,044 --> 01:04:10,413
Howard Howe,

849
01:04:10,513 --> 01:04:15,017
this elusive...
devil made of the flesh,

850
01:04:15,117 --> 01:04:18,955
this serial killer who
makes the bringing

851
01:04:19,055 --> 01:04:23,092
of the blood and terror
to the true north.

852
01:04:23,392 --> 01:04:24,825
I...

853
01:04:25,193 --> 01:04:30,867
am very dedicated man and
I have sacrificed my life...

854
01:04:30,967 --> 01:04:33,770
too many marriages,
any chance at happiness,

855
01:04:33,870 --> 01:04:38,274
and very likely, some may say, my...

856
01:04:38,374 --> 01:04:39,809
sanity.

857
01:04:39,909 --> 01:04:44,080
All in the pursuit of
this butcher of the men.

858
01:04:44,180 --> 01:04:46,780
And because of this...

859
01:04:49,217 --> 01:04:54,457
the solace of the sleep
most of the time eludes me.

860
01:04:54,557 --> 01:04:58,060
But last night, after you call me,

861
01:04:58,160 --> 01:05:01,397
I sleep like the breast-fed baby.

862
01:05:01,497 --> 01:05:05,334
And I wake up this morning,
in the morning,

863
01:05:05,434 --> 01:05:11,274
and I know that, in my bones,
my quarry is close.

864
01:05:11,374 --> 01:05:17,146
And he is so close that I
can almost smell his shit.

865
01:05:17,246 --> 01:05:19,079
Pardon my French.

866
01:05:21,050 --> 01:05:22,652
Who has the Blue Skies with fries?

867
01:05:22,752 --> 01:05:25,087
- Oh, that would be me.
- There you go.

868
01:05:25,187 --> 01:05:28,858
- How about the Gimli Slider, no onions?
- That would also be me.

869
01:05:28,958 --> 01:05:32,695
- And a Mon-Sewer Maurice Milkshake.
- That would also be me.

870
01:05:32,795 --> 01:05:35,464
Okay, here are some napkins.
You're gonna need those.

871
01:05:35,564 --> 01:05:38,498
- All right. Have a nice flight.
- Thank you so much.

872
01:05:40,702 --> 01:05:43,236
Now, I'll tell you something.

873
01:05:45,373 --> 01:05:47,476
They don't have these
back home, you know.

874
01:05:47,576 --> 01:05:50,346
You throw a rock in Quebec City,

875
01:05:50,446 --> 01:05:52,446
and it'll land in
a Chez Ashton. But...

876
01:05:53,715 --> 01:05:57,320
not a single goddamn Gimli Slider.

877
01:05:57,420 --> 01:05:59,155
And that, in my opinion,

878
01:05:59,255 --> 01:06:03,026
is the only failure of the
mighty people of Quebec.

879
01:06:03,426 --> 01:06:05,795
How many people has he killed?

880
01:06:05,895 --> 01:06:07,630
Twenty-three.

881
01:06:07,730 --> 01:06:12,368
And if your friend has been abducted
by the same monster that I am hunting,

882
01:06:12,468 --> 01:06:15,636
it is probably going
to be 24 pretty soon.

883
01:06:17,405 --> 01:06:20,142
His MO is always the same.

884
01:06:20,242 --> 01:06:22,879
A month after the disappearance,

885
01:06:22,979 --> 01:06:26,316
we find pieces of the skinned body.

886
01:06:26,816 --> 01:06:30,820
And the legs are always
amputated at the knees.

887
01:06:30,920 --> 01:06:34,824
Arms are always fused to the body,

888
01:06:34,924 --> 01:06:38,327
like a kind of a crucified T-Rex.

889
01:06:38,427 --> 01:06:41,097
You know, like that.
That's what it looks like.

890
01:06:41,397 --> 01:06:45,735
And always the mouth and the
teeth have been disturbed.

891
01:06:46,835 --> 01:06:47,934
How?

892
01:06:52,974 --> 01:06:55,275
With a very thick...

893
01:06:59,547 --> 01:07:03,920
- What was I saying?
- How have they been disturbed?

894
01:07:04,320 --> 01:07:07,790
In every case, the tongues
have been ripped out.

895
01:07:07,890 --> 01:07:08,791
Jesus!

896
01:07:09,591 --> 01:07:14,961
Oh, yes. It is one fuck of a bummer
to look at, I can tell you that.

897
01:07:16,364 --> 01:07:18,231
Were any of them...

898
01:07:18,633 --> 01:07:20,536
sexually...

899
01:07:20,636 --> 01:07:25,174
Oh, no, no. He doesn't touch
them like that. He butchers them.

900
01:07:25,274 --> 01:07:28,311
Amputates limbs, cuts out tongues.

901
01:07:28,411 --> 01:07:34,116
But he don't do nothing sexy
with them, you know. Never.

902
01:07:34,216 --> 01:07:39,588
The boys on the force nicknamed
this killer "The First Wife,"

903
01:07:39,688 --> 01:07:43,059
because the first wife
doesn't let you talk,

904
01:07:43,159 --> 01:07:47,994
she doesn't let you go anywhere,
and she does not fuck you.

905
01:07:49,831 --> 01:07:51,233
See it's...

906
01:07:51,333 --> 01:07:54,737
and she don't fuck you.

907
01:07:55,137 --> 01:07:58,107
It's... It's funnier if you've
been married a few times.

908
01:07:58,207 --> 01:08:00,707
Maybe we should be
talking to someone else.

909
01:08:03,344 --> 01:08:07,783
I think that that's a very good idea for
you to go and talk to someone else,

910
01:08:07,883 --> 01:08:10,453
Mr. Big Bear Riding a Bulldozer.

911
01:08:10,553 --> 01:08:14,790
Or maybe you could just
<i>ferme</i> your fucking <i>bouche</i>

912
01:08:14,890 --> 01:08:19,025
for one second and
listen to Guy Lapointe.

913
01:08:21,063 --> 01:08:23,566
- Let me tell a story.
- Okay.

914
01:08:24,266 --> 01:08:26,032
I believe that two...

915
01:08:26,634 --> 01:08:28,602
Can you come closer?

916
01:08:29,871 --> 01:08:31,741
Can you come closer?

917
01:08:32,241 --> 01:08:35,909
Closer, you... Can you come...
Can you come closer?

918
01:08:38,146 --> 01:08:41,050
I believe that two years back,

919
01:08:41,150 --> 01:08:44,718
I met this son of a bitch.

920
01:09:00,134 --> 01:09:02,669
Well! Good afternoon to you, sir.

921
01:09:02,770 --> 01:09:06,576
I am Guy Lapointe. Surete du Quebec.

922
01:09:07,176 --> 01:09:10,478
Oh! Did you come here
about the spider?

923
01:09:13,415 --> 01:09:15,670
I called the police two days ago

924
01:09:15,771 --> 01:09:19,622
because there's a big ol'
spider in my potty hole.

925
01:09:20,322 --> 01:09:22,224
Your "potty hole"?

926
01:09:23,124 --> 01:09:25,160
The shitter!

927
01:09:25,860 --> 01:09:28,064
Oh, I see.

928
01:09:28,164 --> 01:09:32,468
So you have some sort of creepy
crawler thing in your toilet box?

929
01:09:32,868 --> 01:09:36,772
Yes, he's a big ol' brown recluse.

930
01:09:36,872 --> 01:09:39,675
Yeah. They call it the hobo spider.

931
01:09:39,775 --> 01:09:44,080
And it's mean. I called the police.
And the lady on the phone said to me,

932
01:09:44,180 --> 01:09:47,684
"Oh, we'll send somebody
out in a few days."

933
01:09:48,384 --> 01:09:50,519
Well, I have to regret...

934
01:09:50,619 --> 01:09:54,123
regretfully inform you
that I'm not the man.

935
01:09:54,223 --> 01:09:57,860
I'm not that man who was sent by the
lady who said she was sending someone.

936
01:09:58,060 --> 01:10:00,896
- I'm not him.
- You're not gonna shoot the spider?

937
01:10:00,996 --> 01:10:05,267
As an inspector of the
Surete du Quebec...

938
01:10:05,367 --> 01:10:10,239
I'm actually not authorized
to discharge a weapon...

939
01:10:10,339 --> 01:10:12,942
- ...at a bug.
- Oh.

940
01:10:13,042 --> 01:10:15,478
One of the downsides of the job.

941
01:10:15,578 --> 01:10:19,712
But I come today because
I'm investigating...

942
01:10:20,915 --> 01:10:23,085
Well, a disappearance.

943
01:10:23,485 --> 01:10:25,921
- Oh?
- Yes, sir.

944
01:10:26,021 --> 01:10:29,391
The hockey player,
Gregory Gumtree, from Quebec City.

945
01:10:29,491 --> 01:10:31,494
A lot of people have heard of him.

946
01:10:31,594 --> 01:10:35,798
I have even heard of him once or
twice before all of this happened.

947
01:10:35,898 --> 01:10:40,236
So, many people have heard of him.
Have you heard of him perhaps?

948
01:10:40,336 --> 01:10:42,972
- No.
- No.

949
01:10:43,072 --> 01:10:45,808
No. Well, last month,

950
01:10:45,908 --> 01:10:49,445
he was drafted by the New Nordiques.

951
01:10:49,545 --> 01:10:55,151
Oh, well... Piss on the New Nordiques!
Give me back my old Nordiques.

952
01:10:55,251 --> 01:10:56,819
I...

953
01:10:56,919 --> 01:11:01,824
Do you know something, sir,
I truly respect your... passion

954
01:11:01,924 --> 01:11:04,460
for the game of the hockey.

955
01:11:06,128 --> 01:11:09,498
So anyway, this hockey player,
Gregory Gumtree...

956
01:11:09,598 --> 01:11:15,232
I guess he'd seen some sort of
advertisement in a bar bathroom that said,

957
01:11:15,333 --> 01:11:21,043
"We can give you a place to live in a
living situation that's not far from here."

958
01:11:21,443 --> 01:11:24,547
But somewhere between
here and Quebec City,

959
01:11:24,647 --> 01:11:27,783
the hockey player, Gregory Gumtree...

960
01:11:27,883 --> 01:11:31,353
- Well, he went missing.
- Oh.

961
01:11:31,453 --> 01:11:35,858
And so I stopped by to see if
maybe you might have heard

962
01:11:35,958 --> 01:11:39,962
or seen something that was
a little out of the ordinary

963
01:11:40,062 --> 01:11:43,499
the other night on that Monday...
Monday night.

964
01:11:43,599 --> 01:11:46,635
Oh, no, not Monday night,
because I'm down at the rink.

965
01:11:46,735 --> 01:11:49,672
I'm down at the ice rink Monday nights,
with the little mites.

966
01:11:49,772 --> 01:11:52,474
Oh, do you coach the hockey mites?

967
01:11:52,574 --> 01:11:57,479
No, no, I'm not the coach. No, no,
I'm just the coach's helper monkey, you know.

968
01:11:57,579 --> 01:12:00,549
On Monday nights, I come
and I pick up the sticks,

969
01:12:00,649 --> 01:12:06,255
and I bring the little ones water,
you know, during the drills, and all that.

970
01:12:06,355 --> 01:12:09,258
And then on Monday nights
we go out for poutine.

971
01:12:09,358 --> 01:12:12,261
Have you ever been to Poutine-ee
Weeny, on Rue de Jour?

972
01:12:12,361 --> 01:12:16,365
Poutine really does
not agree with me.

973
01:12:16,465 --> 01:12:18,500
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- My innards...

974
01:12:18,600 --> 01:12:21,237
it creates such a...

975
01:12:21,337 --> 01:12:25,472
Poutine gives me just
the worst shits.

976
01:12:27,443 --> 01:12:30,179
I'm sorry to be so crass
about it and everything.

977
01:12:30,279 --> 01:12:32,948
By the way, you know,
I didn't even get your name.

978
01:12:33,048 --> 01:12:35,584
Bartholomew Moseeay.

979
01:12:35,684 --> 01:12:38,654
You sure you don't have time
to come in and kill a spider?

980
01:12:38,754 --> 01:12:41,757
You know, I would... I swear
to you that I would help

981
01:12:41,857 --> 01:12:44,360
- in any way that I could...
- Yeah.

982
01:12:44,460 --> 01:12:47,963
I would help, but I'm really
just a lowly homicide detective

983
01:12:48,063 --> 01:12:50,899
and I'm really not paid enough to...

984
01:12:50,999 --> 01:12:54,870
to deal with the
savage animals, you know.

985
01:12:54,970 --> 01:12:57,206
You know what I think, Mr. Lapointe?

986
01:12:57,906 --> 01:13:03,677
I think that the real savage
animals are the human beings.

987
01:13:07,316 --> 01:13:09,950
- Thank you.
- Oh, thank you so much.

988
01:13:10,853 --> 01:13:13,122
- Thank you.
- Thank you, sir.

989
01:13:13,222 --> 01:13:15,257
- Thank you.
- Have a wonderful day, sir.

990
01:13:15,357 --> 01:13:17,623
Thank you very much.

991
01:13:17,992 --> 01:13:21,664
In all of the Canada,

992
01:13:21,764 --> 01:13:24,533
there is no record...

993
01:13:24,833 --> 01:13:29,137
of a man named Bartholomew Moseeay.

994
01:13:29,237 --> 01:13:33,476
There is no local rink,
there is no hockey mites.

995
01:13:33,576 --> 01:13:38,414
And I would also assume that
there is no Poutine-ee Weeny.

996
01:13:39,114 --> 01:13:40,916
But ever since that day,

997
01:13:41,016 --> 01:13:45,552
I've stopped making
the assumptions, you know.

998
01:13:46,721 --> 01:13:50,626
The hockey player, Gregory Gumtree...

999
01:13:51,126 --> 01:13:53,996
He was probably in
that house, you know.

1000
01:13:54,096 --> 01:13:57,433
And I was standing on the porch,

1001
01:13:57,933 --> 01:14:00,184
assuming that I was talking to some

1002
01:14:00,285 --> 01:14:05,105
harmless simpleton who
spoke funny. But...

1003
01:14:06,507 --> 01:14:11,212
one month later,
we find what is left of...

1004
01:14:11,312 --> 01:14:14,715
the hockey player, Gregory Gumtree.

1005
01:14:16,584 --> 01:14:21,755
His torso was blocking up a
sewer pipe outside of Gatineau.

1006
01:14:25,926 --> 01:14:27,660
So...

1007
01:14:29,130 --> 01:14:34,734
The man-child, Bartholomew Moseeay...

1008
01:14:35,403 --> 01:14:40,140
or Howard Howe, went poof!

1009
01:14:40,641 --> 01:14:44,911
Poof! Disappear. He disappeared.

1010
01:14:46,647 --> 01:14:48,484
Do you want to know
what my theory is?

1011
01:14:48,584 --> 01:14:53,954
The theory that got me excused
from the Surete du Quebec?

1012
01:14:55,490 --> 01:14:56,959
Please.

1013
01:14:57,759 --> 01:15:03,532
All of the victims have
holes in the mouth.

1014
01:15:03,632 --> 01:15:08,004
He cuts off the legs,
he sews the arms...

1015
01:15:08,304 --> 01:15:13,176
but he puts something in their
mouths that we don't get to see.

1016
01:15:14,276 --> 01:15:17,030
Some of the cops were saying that
the holes are from the meat hooks,

1017
01:15:17,131 --> 01:15:19,211
you know, if they...

1018
01:15:19,847 --> 01:15:23,252
They hang up the body, while you use
to rip it up, the flesh and all that.

1019
01:15:23,352 --> 01:15:24,985
You know what I mean?

1020
01:15:26,687 --> 01:15:29,589
I beg to differ.

1021
01:15:30,024 --> 01:15:33,128
- Well, what do you say?
- Well...

1022
01:15:33,228 --> 01:15:36,064
The hockey player, Gregory Gumtree,

1023
01:15:36,164 --> 01:15:39,435
the boy that I failed to save.

1024
01:15:39,535 --> 01:15:43,760
Just like all the rest, he had
missing legs, missing tongue,

1025
01:15:43,861 --> 01:15:47,476
missing teeth, the hole
in the roof of the mouth.

1026
01:15:48,176 --> 01:15:51,811
But the medical examiner,
he found something...

1027
01:15:53,314 --> 01:15:57,183
inside the hole of his mouth.

1028
01:16:02,190 --> 01:16:06,729
It was a tiny piece of the victim's
own tibia bone. No bigger than this.

1029
01:16:07,029 --> 01:16:09,865
So why would a piece of his
leg bone be in his mouth?

1030
01:16:09,965 --> 01:16:12,101
Oh, I don't know.

1031
01:16:12,201 --> 01:16:17,706
So I go to see this mama of the
hockey player, Gregory Gumtree.

1032
01:16:18,106 --> 01:16:20,509
And I say to her, "You are the mama

1033
01:16:20,609 --> 01:16:23,479
"and you know the
things about the child.

1034
01:16:23,779 --> 01:16:28,650
"You feel things that no
police or nobody can feel.

1035
01:16:28,750 --> 01:16:33,185
"So, how do you think
your boy was killed?"

1036
01:16:34,422 --> 01:16:37,693
And the mama, she's...
she is crying, you know.

1037
01:16:37,793 --> 01:16:43,195
And now it is as if she is
like my own mama, you know.

1038
01:16:44,699 --> 01:16:47,003
And then the mama, she say to me...

1039
01:16:48,403 --> 01:16:50,937
She say to me...

1040
01:16:52,673 --> 01:16:57,847
"This man is making a monster.

1041
01:16:58,947 --> 01:17:02,518
<i>"This man is making a monster."</i>

1042
01:17:02,618 --> 01:17:04,953
Mr. Tusk...

1043
01:17:05,253 --> 01:17:08,554
Why do you blubber so?

1044
01:17:08,923 --> 01:17:12,628
Are you really mourning
your loss of humanity?

1045
01:17:12,728 --> 01:17:15,197
I don't understand.

1046
01:17:15,297 --> 01:17:18,431
Who in the hell would
want to be human?

1047
01:17:19,166 --> 01:17:21,534
God almighty!

1048
01:17:22,003 --> 01:17:24,103
In all my travels,

1049
01:17:25,439 --> 01:17:31,444
I've only ever known a human
to be an ocean of shit.

1050
01:17:32,680 --> 01:17:36,449
And my vessel lifts...

1051
01:17:36,651 --> 01:17:39,017
and is leaking.

1052
01:17:42,957 --> 01:17:46,226
I am so very tired, Mr. Tusk.

1053
01:17:50,599 --> 01:17:55,468
Battered by a life of cruel fate...

1054
01:17:55,803 --> 01:17:58,407
and poor decisions.

1055
01:17:58,507 --> 01:18:03,142
And the terrible
consequences of both.

1056
01:18:09,016 --> 01:18:12,151
<i>The water is wide</i>

1057
01:18:13,854 --> 01:18:18,925
<i>And I dare not cross over</i>

1058
01:18:21,295 --> 01:18:24,663
<i>Nor have I wings...</i>

1059
01:18:26,568 --> 01:18:29,402
<i>Wings to fly</i>

1060
01:18:31,907 --> 01:18:37,409
<i>Build me a boat</i>

1061
01:18:38,879 --> 01:18:42,247
<i>That can carry two</i>

1062
01:18:44,985 --> 01:18:50,356
<i>And both shall row</i>

1063
01:18:51,225 --> 01:18:54,294
<i>My love and I</i>

1064
01:19:00,067 --> 01:19:03,202
You must be terribly hungry by now.

1065
01:19:11,112 --> 01:19:13,346
That is a mackerel.

1066
01:19:18,019 --> 01:19:20,987
Bon appetit, Monsieur Tusk.

1067
01:19:44,879 --> 01:19:46,846
Yes...

1068
01:19:49,316 --> 01:19:54,687
Now go to the fish, Mr. Tusk.

1069
01:19:58,292 --> 01:20:00,093
Take the mackerel.

1070
01:20:12,373 --> 01:20:14,573
Feed.

1071
01:20:26,620 --> 01:20:29,758
So this is nice and very
roomy for an economy.

1072
01:20:29,858 --> 01:20:32,828
I should have rented
this model, I knew it.

1073
01:20:32,928 --> 01:20:35,864
- Did you pre-pay for the gasoline?
- Yeah.

1074
01:20:35,964 --> 01:20:40,669
- So where do we go first?
- Now, where? Where is for wolf.

1075
01:20:40,769 --> 01:20:43,672
We look for the which.

1076
01:20:43,772 --> 01:20:48,409
As in, which one of you knows
this missing podcaster the best.

1077
01:20:48,509 --> 01:20:50,780
- I do.
- You do.

1078
01:20:50,880 --> 01:20:53,953
Okay, so on the phone message,
it said he was driving for,

1079
01:20:54,054 --> 01:20:57,093
like, two hours or something.
So you know him best,

1080
01:20:57,194 --> 01:20:59,888
you know what he likes
to do when he drives,

1081
01:20:59,988 --> 01:21:03,258
because nobody does nothing in a car.

1082
01:21:03,358 --> 01:21:06,751
Does he smoke the cigarettes,
does he chew the tobaccos or toothpicks,

1083
01:21:06,852 --> 01:21:10,032
does he drink the coffee?
Does he have some other thing?

1084
01:21:10,133 --> 01:21:12,768
I don't know.
Me, for example, all I do...

1085
01:21:12,868 --> 01:21:18,273
I cannot start the car without
having the double-double

1086
01:21:18,373 --> 01:21:22,043
with eight sugars and
just a dash of cream.

1087
01:21:22,143 --> 01:21:27,505
So what we really need to do
is discern this podcaster's ritual

1088
01:21:27,606 --> 01:21:29,649
while he is driving.

1089
01:21:31,151 --> 01:21:35,955
He likes big,
goofy convenience store drinks.

1090
01:21:40,394 --> 01:21:43,465
Oh, my God! It's Mr. Mustache.

1091
01:21:43,565 --> 01:21:47,434
- Colleen! Hurry up!
- I'm coming.

1092
01:21:50,104 --> 01:21:51,671
Oh, my God, what?

1093
01:21:53,173 --> 01:21:55,410
No way! It's Mr. Mustache.

1094
01:21:55,510 --> 01:21:58,246
"Mr. Mustache"?

1095
01:21:58,346 --> 01:22:02,250
No, it's not the room I'm interested
in as much as you, Mr. Howe.

1096
01:22:02,350 --> 01:22:05,687
Yeah, tonight would be... That would
be amazing, sir. Yes. Thank you.

1097
01:22:05,787 --> 01:22:11,026
All right, where am I going?
Bifrost? Sounds erotic.

1098
01:22:11,526 --> 01:22:13,361
Okay, let me just ask
somebody how far I am.

1099
01:22:13,461 --> 01:22:17,866
Excuse me, hey!
How's everything over at Degrassi?

1100
01:22:17,966 --> 01:22:20,335
You kids still getting
knocked up and shot at?

1101
01:22:21,435 --> 01:22:23,772
- What?
- Degrassi!

1102
01:22:23,872 --> 01:22:26,675
Never mind. How far
is Bifrost from here?

1103
01:22:26,775 --> 01:22:30,378
- Bifrost? Shit! That's far.
- Yeah, it's about two hours from here.

1104
01:22:30,478 --> 01:22:34,316
Oh, God bless you, generous angels.
Yeah, the kids here at the convenience store

1105
01:22:34,416 --> 01:22:36,953
are telling me that it's
about two hours away.

1106
01:22:37,053 --> 01:22:39,821
You sure that's not gonna be
too late for you, Mr. Howe?

1107
01:22:40,121 --> 01:22:43,391
Okay, awesome. Yeah.
What's your address?

1108
01:22:43,491 --> 01:22:47,162
Hang on one second, sir.
Hang on. Hey, hey, hey!

1109
01:22:47,262 --> 01:22:51,233
Can you get off those for one second
and give me a pen? Sorry, sir.

1110
01:22:51,333 --> 01:22:54,135
Thank you. God bless you.
You guys have pads here, in Canada?

1111
01:22:54,235 --> 01:22:57,940
Anything to write on, or you just
write in the air? Hashtag thanks.

1112
01:22:58,440 --> 01:23:03,942
Hey, I'm just gonna go ahead and write
on ya. Okay, shoot, Mr. Howe. Yeah.

1113
01:23:04,745 --> 01:23:09,017
Great. Got it. And I'm gonna leave right now,
so I'll see you in about two hours.

1114
01:23:09,117 --> 01:23:12,518
Good. Okay, bye now.

1115
01:23:14,154 --> 01:23:15,755
How much do I owe you?

1116
01:23:19,927 --> 01:23:21,563
That's me? That's my mustache?

1117
01:23:21,863 --> 01:23:25,400
"Yep! I'm American. How are
things over at Degrassi High?"

1118
01:23:25,500 --> 01:23:29,168
"Do you ladies know where
Bifrost is? Uh, duh!"

1119
01:23:30,737 --> 01:23:32,338
You guys suck.

1120
01:23:33,140 --> 01:23:36,478
So this pad of paper that he
borrowed to write down the address,

1121
01:23:36,578 --> 01:23:39,745
I would like for you to give it
to me, please, if you would.

1122
01:23:41,348 --> 01:23:43,852
- Give him the pad.
- You give him the pad.

1123
01:23:43,952 --> 01:23:45,387
Give him the pad!

1124
01:23:45,487 --> 01:23:47,889
One of you must give me the pad now.

1125
01:23:47,989 --> 01:23:52,594
I thank you very much.
Do you have a pencil?

1126
01:23:52,994 --> 01:23:55,160
Thank you very much.

1127
01:24:01,502 --> 01:24:03,102
You see that?

1128
01:24:06,407 --> 01:24:10,278
- That's amazing.
- They did it in <i>The Big Lebowski.</i>

1129
01:24:10,578 --> 01:24:14,415
Do you know, that's exactly where
I learned it from. Isn't that weird?

1130
01:24:14,515 --> 01:24:15,748
Okay.

1131
01:24:24,358 --> 01:24:28,328
Yeah. Isn't this
soothing to the soul?

1132
01:24:32,099 --> 01:24:34,336
You know, if I close my eyes,

1133
01:24:34,436 --> 01:24:37,372
I can almost imagine me
back on Ponder Rock,

1134
01:24:37,872 --> 01:24:41,974
I knew peace in this twisted,
hateful world.

1135
01:24:43,010 --> 01:24:46,681
I miss our little paradise, Mr. Tusk.

1136
01:24:46,781 --> 01:24:50,986
This is just a poor facsimile
of that magical enclave

1137
01:24:51,086 --> 01:24:55,955
where we first became
good friends. Remember?

1138
01:24:59,159 --> 01:25:01,293
Until that...

1139
01:25:02,196 --> 01:25:04,129
terrible day.

1140
01:25:05,899 --> 01:25:10,836
<i>Man feeds on the meat
and sinew of the helpless.</i>

1141
01:25:12,372 --> 01:25:14,810
<i>Until we are all...</i>

1142
01:25:15,410 --> 01:25:17,042
<i>alone.</i>

1143
01:25:19,113 --> 01:25:21,580
<i>We survive at all costs.</i>

1144
01:25:21,982 --> 01:25:24,416
<i>Only to butcher again.</i>

1145
01:25:24,951 --> 01:25:26,586
<i>And again.</i>

1146
01:25:27,754 --> 01:25:32,725
<i>Until we ourselves are at
last butchered in turn.</i>

1147
01:25:33,928 --> 01:25:37,465
You were not prepared
for me last time, Mr. Tusk.

1148
01:25:37,565 --> 01:25:42,401
You were not ready for the fight.
This time it will be different.

1149
01:25:42,903 --> 01:25:45,604
Because I have hardened you...

1150
01:25:45,772 --> 01:25:48,173
Just to show you...

1151
01:25:48,275 --> 01:25:51,344
How cruel man can be.

1152
01:26:18,372 --> 01:26:21,540
And if I truly brought
out the walrus in you...

1153
01:26:23,378 --> 01:26:28,347
this time, you just might prevail.

1154
01:26:29,616 --> 01:26:33,621
Less than a kilometer
from Mile Marker 9...

1155
01:26:33,721 --> 01:26:35,957
- Yeah, the plates match.
- I'm going...

1156
01:26:36,057 --> 01:26:41,460
No, no, he's not there. I promise
you he's not there. But he is close.

1157
01:26:45,299 --> 01:26:46,734
So...

1158
01:26:46,834 --> 01:26:49,871
We are about to find your friend.

1159
01:26:49,971 --> 01:26:52,071
And the dangerous man who took him.

1160
01:26:55,475 --> 01:26:58,710
- These are guns.
- I don't want one.

1161
01:26:59,146 --> 01:27:02,584
- You don't want a gun?
- You take 'em.

1162
01:27:02,684 --> 01:27:05,186
What... What kind of
American are you?

1163
01:27:05,286 --> 01:27:08,223
- The kind that has never used a gun before.
- Take the fuckin' gun!

1164
01:27:08,323 --> 01:27:13,225
Yes, take the fuckin' gun, please.
I'll take the big one.

1165
01:27:13,827 --> 01:27:15,628
Yeah.

1166
01:27:17,899 --> 01:27:21,936
Some years back, I was rescued
from the island of Ponder Rock

1167
01:27:22,036 --> 01:27:28,310
a mere hour after I had butchered my
sweet savior walrus in order to live.

1168
01:27:28,610 --> 01:27:32,013
I've marked this occasion
for 15 years now

1169
01:27:32,113 --> 01:27:34,849
by allowing my flippered friend

1170
01:27:34,949 --> 01:27:38,620
the fighting chance
he never had. So...

1171
01:27:38,720 --> 01:27:42,257
You will fight me, Mr. Walrus!

1172
01:27:42,357 --> 01:27:44,524
Or you will die!

1173
01:28:03,244 --> 01:28:06,512
Wallace! Wallace!

1174
01:28:22,163 --> 01:28:25,133
- Wallace!
- Wallace!

1175
01:28:25,233 --> 01:28:28,069
So just as I had to
kill you on the rock,

1176
01:28:28,169 --> 01:28:31,072
you have a terrible
choice to make here.

1177
01:28:31,172 --> 01:28:35,674
You have to kill me
if you want to live.

1178
01:28:36,510 --> 01:28:38,479
And if you live,

1179
01:28:38,579 --> 01:28:42,884
you will be as a walrus
that you almost are.

1180
01:28:42,984 --> 01:28:44,185
So...

1181
01:28:44,285 --> 01:28:47,421
either you go full walrus...

1182
01:28:48,621 --> 01:28:49,622
or this!

1183
01:28:59,000 --> 01:29:00,835
Oh, what the fuck?

1184
01:29:00,935 --> 01:29:03,505
- Wallace! Wallace!
- Wallace! Wallace!

1185
01:29:04,205 --> 01:29:06,772
- Wallace!
- Wallace!

1186
01:29:08,342 --> 01:29:12,878
You have lasted longer than the rest.
You'd kill me if you could.

1187
01:29:13,914 --> 01:29:15,850
You want to.

1188
01:29:16,150 --> 01:29:20,719
Your survival instincts
have kicked in.

1189
01:29:30,697 --> 01:29:33,599
But so have mine!

1190
01:29:47,915 --> 01:29:49,618
Where is it coming from?

1191
01:29:50,318 --> 01:29:51,819
- Behind the wall!
- Wallace!

1192
01:29:51,919 --> 01:29:53,254
- He's behind the wall!
- Wallace!

1193
01:29:53,354 --> 01:29:55,255
- Ally, there's give.
- Stand back!

1194
01:30:12,005 --> 01:30:14,306
It is accomplished.

1195
01:30:16,076 --> 01:30:18,577
You are my...

1196
01:30:19,346 --> 01:30:21,948
Mr. Tusk.

1197
01:30:36,063 --> 01:30:37,730
Wallace...

1198
01:30:43,303 --> 01:30:45,704
No!

1199
01:30:55,715 --> 01:30:58,251
Wallace!

1200
01:31:32,285 --> 01:31:34,186
No! No!

1201
01:31:36,624 --> 01:31:40,660
No, don't murder him. Please.
Leave him alone. Stop!

1202
01:32:37,951 --> 01:32:39,884
Wallace!

1203
01:32:42,689 --> 01:32:44,756
We're here.

1204
01:32:50,396 --> 01:32:52,364
It's Ally.

1205
01:32:53,666 --> 01:32:54,700
And Teddy.

1206
01:33:03,043 --> 01:33:04,909
The treat.

1207
01:33:29,302 --> 01:33:31,703
You don't have to
hide from us, Wallace.

1208
01:33:35,274 --> 01:33:36,409
Wallace!

1209
01:33:47,288 --> 01:33:50,525
I can't even remember the last time you
cried while watching <i>Winnie the Pooh</i>.

1210
01:33:50,625 --> 01:33:54,662
So I don't cry, I mean, big deal!
I'm also a lot older, remember?

1211
01:33:54,762 --> 01:33:56,328
Crying's kind of for babies.

1212
01:33:57,764 --> 01:34:02,166
I remember when my
grandma died and...

1213
01:34:03,003 --> 01:34:08,009
My grandpa was destroyed.
He had tears streaming down his face,

1214
01:34:08,109 --> 01:34:11,543
he was holding her picture,
and I was so worried.

1215
01:34:12,013 --> 01:34:15,750
I used to say...
<i>"Abuelo Pancho, no llore."</i>

1216
01:34:16,150 --> 01:34:19,754
- What's that?
- Don't cry, <i>Abuelo.</i>

1217
01:34:20,254 --> 01:34:25,054
And he would say,
"<i>No, Juanita, no te preocupes.</i>"

1218
01:34:25,525 --> 01:34:27,926
"It's good to cry.

1219
01:34:29,429 --> 01:34:32,297
"It separates us from the animals.

1220
01:34:33,299 --> 01:34:35,400
"It shows you have a soul."

1221
01:34:46,179 --> 01:34:48,613
I love you, Wallace.

1222
01:34:49,549 --> 01:34:52,050
Don't ever forget that.

1223
01:35:07,867 --> 01:35:09,071
It's all right.

1224
01:35:10,871 --> 01:35:12,303
Come on.

1225
01:39:00,366 --> 01:39:02,436
<i>Welcome to Smodcast. I'm Kevin Smith.</i>

1226
01:39:02,536 --> 01:39:04,138
<i>- I'm Scott Mosier.</i>
<i>- Oh, shit!</i>

1227
01:39:04,238 --> 01:39:08,342
<i>All right, so here's the third act.
He then goes and puts on his suit,</i>

1228
01:39:08,442 --> 01:39:12,880
<i>you know, made of human skins.
And so you realize he's done this before.</i>

1229
01:39:12,980 --> 01:39:15,035
<i>Like, I'm not the first
lodger and shit like that.</i>

1230
01:39:15,136 --> 01:39:17,085
<i>- Gotcha.
- So he's in it, you're in yours,</i>

1231
01:39:17,185 --> 01:39:21,423
<i>and you guys have to have one of
them walrus fights, like on the beach.</i>

1232
01:39:22,623 --> 01:39:24,924
<i>Where you slam each other, going...</i>

1233
01:39:28,161 --> 01:39:32,897
<i>And you start, like we started saying,
"Is man indeed a walrus at heart?"</i>

1234
01:39:35,735 --> 01:39:38,439
<i>You ultimately get him and...</i>

1235
01:39:38,839 --> 01:39:42,343
<i>But then what has to happen at the end
is that once he makes that switch...</i>

1236
01:39:42,443 --> 01:39:44,245
<i>- Yeah.</i>
<i>- ...he can't go back.</i>

1237
01:39:44,345 --> 01:39:47,947
<i>Like the clinic for the criminally
insane or something like that.</i>

1238
01:39:48,082 --> 01:39:50,517
<i>And you see, you know,
like, his buddy...</i>

1239
01:39:50,617 --> 01:39:54,388
<i>He's got something wrapped in a newspaper
and you don't know what's going on.</i>

1240
01:39:54,488 --> 01:39:56,108
<i>It's a fish.</i>

1241
01:39:56,501 --> 01:39:58,020
<i>Oh, that's awesome.</i>

1242
01:39:58,625 --> 01:40:02,496
<i>And it is... It's like
another walrus enclave.</i>

1243
01:40:02,596 --> 01:40:04,899
<i>A better version of where he was.</i>

1244
01:40:04,999 --> 01:40:08,068
<i>Because he realized they
can't reverse the process.</i>

1245
01:40:08,168 --> 01:40:11,738
<i>He's f... he's gone. Even in his head,
he's gone full walrus.</i>

1246
01:40:15,808 --> 01:40:18,746
<i>And he throws him the fish,
and then, fuckin'...</i>

1247
01:40:18,846 --> 01:40:24,451
<i>the walrus-man scurries over
to it all gross and shit,</i>

1248
01:40:24,551 --> 01:40:29,089
<i>and starts biting at it on the ground.
They play, like, some sad piano music.</i>

1249
01:40:29,189 --> 01:40:31,458
<i>Roll credits as we pull
back in this overhead,</i>

1250
01:40:31,558 --> 01:40:35,326
<i>watching him fuckin' eating
this fish off the ground.</i>

1251
01:40:37,463 --> 01:40:39,366
<i>And there's a song that's just like...</i>

1252
01:40:39,466 --> 01:40:43,368
<i>Being tender in your heart!</i>

1253
01:40:47,807 --> 01:40:50,978
<i>- Is that a real song?</i>
<i>- No!</i>

1254
01:40:51,078 --> 01:40:54,148
<i>Like, we need a hashtag for this.
The conversation needs to grow.</i>

1255
01:40:54,248 --> 01:40:55,916
<i>Two hashtags.</i>

1256
01:40:56,016 --> 01:40:59,119
<i>Walrus yes, walrus no.</i>

1257
01:40:59,219 --> 01:41:03,454
<i>- Oh, for people who don't want it?
- Yeah. Your vote is crucial.</i>

1258
01:41:26,144 --> 01:41:29,482
You just had to have
the second slider.

1259
01:41:29,583 --> 01:41:33,685
You just had to have
the second slider.