1 00:00:16,750 --> 00:00:18,550 My name is Frank. 2 00:00:19,020 --> 00:00:23,520 I've had a great life, a family, lots of friends, adventures, 3 00:00:23,890 --> 00:00:26,090 but I'm ready for a change. 4 00:00:26,120 --> 00:00:28,690 One last shot at finding true love. 5 00:00:30,130 --> 00:00:31,360 I'm hoping this is it. 6 00:00:38,730 --> 00:00:40,270 [audience cheering] 7 00:00:40,300 --> 00:00:42,640 Thank you. Hi. 8 00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:48,140 Thank you so much. Thank you. 9 00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:51,680 Thank you and good evening, Bachelor nation. 10 00:00:51,710 --> 00:00:53,550 I'm Jesse Palmer, and welcome 11 00:00:53,580 --> 00:00:56,750 to The Golden Bachelor season finale. 12 00:00:58,820 --> 00:01:01,820 Of course, we are coming to you live from Los Angeles 13 00:01:01,860 --> 00:01:04,090 as Frank's journey to find the love of his life 14 00:01:04,130 --> 00:01:06,100 comes to a dramatic conclusion. 15 00:01:06,130 --> 00:01:09,570 Now admittedly, the crew nor the producers were prepared 16 00:01:09,600 --> 00:01:13,040 to host a Bachelor as eccentric 17 00:01:13,070 --> 00:01:14,770 as Frank Reynolds. 18 00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:17,540 In fact, this is the first season in Bachelor history 19 00:01:17,570 --> 00:01:20,210 where we considered ending the entire franchise altogether. 20 00:01:20,580 --> 00:01:22,410 But, boy, are we glad we didn't, 21 00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:25,180 because Frank captured our hearts, 22 00:01:25,210 --> 00:01:27,280 and tonight is the moment we've all been waiting for. 23 00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:29,620 Will Frank find true love again? 24 00:01:29,650 --> 00:01:32,550 All I can say is that you'll have to see it to believe it. 25 00:01:32,590 --> 00:01:34,420 So let's take a look back at the season's highlights 26 00:01:34,460 --> 00:01:37,130 where Frank started in a very different place 27 00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:38,460 than where we find him today. 28 00:01:38,490 --> 00:01:40,060 [audience cheer] 29 00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:42,130 Let's get this show on the road. 30 00:01:42,160 --> 00:01:47,000 Can't wait to find a Grade A, prime cut piece of á*á*á*á*. 31 00:01:47,470 --> 00:01:49,740 To love. 32 00:01:49,770 --> 00:01:53,110 Frank, admittedly, was a little rougher around the edges than we're accustomed to. 33 00:01:57,480 --> 00:02:01,720 [laughs] All right, so where are all the broads? 34 00:02:01,750 --> 00:02:03,150 I dropped a couple of blueys. 35 00:02:03,190 --> 00:02:05,420 This baby's got about a half hour 36 00:02:05,450 --> 00:02:07,820 to perform like, pew, 37 00:02:07,860 --> 00:02:09,660 and then that's it. So, let's hurry up. 38 00:02:09,690 --> 00:02:11,190 Okay, the first car is arriving now. 39 00:02:11,230 --> 00:02:13,460 Okay, all right, good. The first car. 40 00:02:13,500 --> 00:02:15,100 Oh, my God, I'm getting a chubby. 41 00:02:15,460 --> 00:02:17,500 Look at this. Mmm, mmm, mmm. 42 00:02:17,530 --> 00:02:20,570 Ooh. Here it comes. I'm anticipating this... 43 00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:23,570 Oh, let's see, yeah. 44 00:02:26,580 --> 00:02:29,510 -Uh, nope. -Excuse me? 45 00:02:29,540 --> 00:02:31,610 -No. No. Nope. -[Jesse] Frank, Frank. 46 00:02:31,650 --> 00:02:33,450 [Frank] Pass, pass, pass, it's a pass. 47 00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:35,780 You can walk by. You can keep on going. 48 00:02:35,820 --> 00:02:38,050 Just walk on by. That's it. 49 00:02:38,090 --> 00:02:41,260 Next, next, next. Bring the next one in. 50 00:02:43,860 --> 00:02:45,330 -Uh-uh. -Frank. 51 00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:47,300 No, no. Absolutely not. 52 00:02:47,330 --> 00:02:49,670 No, no. Pass on. Next. Let's go to the next one. 53 00:02:49,700 --> 00:02:51,600 Next one, this is not working out. What's going on? 54 00:02:51,630 --> 00:02:54,100 Frank, there's a time for this. It's just not right now. 55 00:02:54,140 --> 00:02:56,340 All right, bring the next one on, bring the next one on. 56 00:02:57,840 --> 00:02:59,410 I'm starting to get nervous. 57 00:03:00,340 --> 00:03:01,380 What do we got? 58 00:03:03,450 --> 00:03:05,080 Holy... Oh... 59 00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:08,420 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 60 00:03:08,450 --> 00:03:10,750 No, pass, pass, pass. 61 00:03:10,790 --> 00:03:13,090 Are all these whores gonna be this old? 62 00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:16,430 Why did I do this? I don't know what's the matter with me. 63 00:03:16,460 --> 00:03:18,660 What the á*á*á*á* did I do? 64 00:03:18,690 --> 00:03:22,230 Everyone that got out of the car, I mean, they were, like, crackling. 65 00:03:22,260 --> 00:03:24,430 I mean, you could hear their á*á*á*á* crackling. 66 00:03:24,470 --> 00:03:26,140 [imitates cracking] 67 00:03:26,170 --> 00:03:28,170 -It was like, just, old meat. -Frank, 68 00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:30,070 honestly, you didn't understand the premise of this show? 69 00:03:30,110 --> 00:03:32,110 Well, I knew there would be a couple of duds, 70 00:03:32,140 --> 00:03:35,740 but I thought you Hollywood people were all about diversity. 71 00:03:35,780 --> 00:03:37,650 Well, there's gonna be women of every ethnicity here. 72 00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:40,280 Age. Diversity of age. 73 00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:43,650 Frank, the show's called The Golden Bachelor. 74 00:03:43,690 --> 00:03:45,650 [stammers] Golden Bachelor , my á*á*á*á*. 75 00:03:45,690 --> 00:03:48,290 I'm á*á*á*á* out of here unless I find something 76 00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:50,090 coming out of that car that I like. 77 00:03:50,130 --> 00:03:51,530 [scoffs] You gotta do something. 78 00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:54,160 -You ever watch TikTok? -Yeah, of course. 79 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:56,730 Well, you ever... you ever hear of Cock Chewa? 80 00:03:56,770 --> 00:03:58,800 -Cock Chewa? -Cock Chewa... 81 00:03:58,830 --> 00:04:00,470 [Jesse] And so in a series of Golden Bachelor firsts, 82 00:04:00,500 --> 00:04:03,240 we caved into Frank's demands. 83 00:04:03,270 --> 00:04:05,710 I saw this trash on TikTok. 84 00:04:05,740 --> 00:04:07,640 Her name was Cock Chewa. 85 00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:12,310 Her catchphrase was, "Chew on that thang." 86 00:04:12,350 --> 00:04:13,550 I had to have her. 87 00:04:13,580 --> 00:04:15,780 My heart's beating a mile a minute. 88 00:04:15,820 --> 00:04:17,220 Let's see what happens. 89 00:04:19,620 --> 00:04:22,660 Oh, oh, oh. 90 00:04:22,690 --> 00:04:25,760 What's coming out? [gasps] 91 00:04:26,230 --> 00:04:29,500 Oh! It's her. That's her. [giggles] That's her! 92 00:04:29,530 --> 00:04:31,670 -Hey, y'all! [laughs] -[Frank laughs] 93 00:04:31,700 --> 00:04:34,300 -Chew on that thang. -Chew on that thang! 94 00:04:34,340 --> 00:04:36,540 -Chew on that thang. -[Frank] Okay. She's it. She's the one. 95 00:04:36,570 --> 00:04:38,340 -Wait, what? What? -[Frank] I picked her. 96 00:04:38,370 --> 00:04:40,080 -Yeah, she's it. Okay, that's it. -[Jesse] Wait, what? 97 00:04:40,110 --> 00:04:41,480 -I choose her. Yes. -I get paid for this, right? 98 00:04:41,510 --> 00:04:43,550 Yeah, the game's over. We can take her. 99 00:04:43,580 --> 00:04:46,180 No, no, no, Frank. It's only the first episode, okay? 100 00:04:46,210 --> 00:04:48,120 We have to go through this whole process, 101 00:04:48,150 --> 00:04:49,790 otherwise there can't be a show. 102 00:04:49,820 --> 00:04:52,520 -[stammers] All right, well, you get paid. -Yeah. 103 00:04:52,550 --> 00:04:54,160 It's the first night, 104 00:04:54,190 --> 00:04:55,820 so you're gonna have to wait a little while 105 00:04:55,860 --> 00:04:58,590 -to chew on that thang. -Chew on that thang. 106 00:04:58,630 --> 00:05:00,630 -[laughs] Chew on that thang. -Okay, let's just keep it moving here. 107 00:05:00,660 --> 00:05:03,630 Oh, baby, am I boned up. Okay, here let's go. 108 00:05:04,370 --> 00:05:06,130 Okay. Okay. 109 00:05:06,570 --> 00:05:08,340 All right. 110 00:05:08,370 --> 00:05:11,040 Oops, I thought you said we were done with the old ones. 111 00:05:11,840 --> 00:05:16,450 Uh, hi. Very nice to see you, you know. But no. 112 00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:19,180 -But no. Okay, so anyway, pass. -Oh. 113 00:05:19,210 --> 00:05:21,550 But, you know, go on inside and keep warm. 114 00:05:21,580 --> 00:05:23,590 I'll get you out of here ASAP. 115 00:05:23,620 --> 00:05:27,190 You're kidding me. This cretin is the bachelor? 116 00:05:27,220 --> 00:05:29,330 I got better looking boils. 117 00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:33,530 [cackles] That was a good one. You got me there. You got me there. 118 00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:36,160 Well, maybe I'll keep this one around just to entertain me. 119 00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:38,730 She got me with that... That was very... 120 00:05:38,770 --> 00:05:41,340 She's good. Let's lump her in with the other one. 121 00:05:41,370 --> 00:05:44,770 We'll see how it goes. That was funny. She was pretty funny. 122 00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:49,350 Oh. Oh. What's this? I thought I said no dudes. 123 00:05:49,380 --> 00:05:51,780 Oh, I have an Amazon Prime delivery for a, uh, Frank Reynolds. 124 00:05:51,810 --> 00:05:53,380 -Oh, Frank Reynolds, that's me. -Okay. 125 00:05:53,420 --> 00:05:55,820 Yeah, that's me. Oh, yeah, this... Thank you. 126 00:05:55,850 --> 00:05:58,590 Oh, my, my, that was so fast. 127 00:05:58,620 --> 00:06:01,620 Amazon Prime deliveries are so fast. 128 00:06:01,660 --> 00:06:03,790 Frank, what are you doing? You can't bring your own plugs. 129 00:06:03,830 --> 00:06:06,700 Yeah... I... No, we... No plugs. Their items are very meaningful to me. 130 00:06:06,730 --> 00:06:11,570 I am fired up about Chewy. That's a broad I could spend my life with. 131 00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:14,700 And the other one's good too. They both got mouths on 'em. 132 00:06:14,740 --> 00:06:17,370 One's an on-ramp, one's an off-ramp. 133 00:06:17,410 --> 00:06:19,370 I'm leaning toward the 20-year-old. 134 00:06:19,810 --> 00:06:21,810 Since Frank had already chosen his final two, 135 00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:25,210 we had to get creative with the situations we put them in. 136 00:06:26,280 --> 00:06:28,080 [Frank] So, uh, where you from? 137 00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:29,420 Gang, gang. [laughs] 138 00:06:29,850 --> 00:06:32,150 Chew, chew. [gnaws] 139 00:06:32,190 --> 00:06:33,590 [imitates baby crying] 140 00:06:33,620 --> 00:06:36,190 Gang, gang. Gang. Gang, gang. 141 00:06:36,220 --> 00:06:38,690 [blows raspberry] That's a butthole. 142 00:06:38,730 --> 00:06:40,460 Thank you, y'all. Thank you. 143 00:06:40,500 --> 00:06:42,360 [stammering] What's that? What are you doing? 144 00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:44,130 I'm making money on a live stream. 145 00:06:44,170 --> 00:06:46,200 -Huh? -Gang, gang. [grunts] 146 00:06:46,230 --> 00:06:47,540 -[imitates dog] -You're making... 147 00:06:47,570 --> 00:06:50,770 -[grunting] -So, uh, yeah, yeah, hmm. 148 00:06:50,810 --> 00:06:53,610 -[blows raspberry] -[stammers] 149 00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:55,110 -Well, what kind of music do you like? -Thank you. 150 00:06:55,140 --> 00:06:56,650 [gnawing] 151 00:06:56,680 --> 00:06:58,680 [Frank] The conversation was a little rough. 152 00:06:58,710 --> 00:07:00,820 I didn't know what the hell she was doing with the phone. 153 00:07:00,850 --> 00:07:04,150 I guess people pay her to respond to emojis? 154 00:07:04,190 --> 00:07:06,260 I was losing my patience. 155 00:07:06,290 --> 00:07:10,190 [imitating baby crying] Gang, gang. Chew, chew. Chew. [gnaws] 156 00:07:10,230 --> 00:07:12,660 Look, if we don't bang soon, I'm gonna boot you off the show. 157 00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:16,770 -Well, that worked like a charm. -All right. 158 00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:18,630 [Frank] We banged three times that night. 159 00:07:18,670 --> 00:07:22,300 And on some kind of OnlyFans live stream thing. 160 00:07:22,340 --> 00:07:24,810 Made 12 grand. It was incredible. 161 00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:27,510 Except for the chewing. [huffs] 162 00:07:27,540 --> 00:07:29,380 That was weird as hell. 163 00:07:29,850 --> 00:07:34,580 I-I thought it was more of a catch phrase than an actual method. [gnawing] 164 00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:43,190 Where the [bleep] is he? 165 00:07:43,230 --> 00:07:44,490 -Wow. I'm sorry I'm late. -Oh, hey. 166 00:07:44,530 --> 00:07:47,160 I had to dump out big time. [scoffs] 167 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:49,570 Oh, well, that makes two of us. 168 00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:51,370 Just got here myself. 169 00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:55,200 Took the liberty of ordering us the seafood linguine. 170 00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:59,740 -Oh. Strong choice. I like that. -[chuckles] Uh-huh. 171 00:07:59,780 --> 00:08:02,310 -Yeah? [chuckles] -Yeah, yeah. 172 00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:06,280 So... Hmm. Mm-mmm. 173 00:08:07,780 --> 00:08:09,180 What now? 174 00:08:10,550 --> 00:08:13,150 Ah. Well... 175 00:08:13,990 --> 00:08:17,790 we could get the linguine to go, go back to your place. 176 00:08:17,830 --> 00:08:19,630 I would say we bang at my place, 177 00:08:19,660 --> 00:08:21,760 but I don't want you hanging around after. 178 00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:25,170 -You get it. -What makes you think I'm gonna bang you? 179 00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:28,040 All right, we bang after dinner. [stammers] 180 00:08:28,070 --> 00:08:30,340 -Eh, make love. -Hmm. 181 00:08:30,370 --> 00:08:33,280 Yeah. So what's your deal? Were you ever married? 182 00:08:34,210 --> 00:08:35,310 If you must know. 183 00:08:37,250 --> 00:08:38,450 [sighs] My husband's dead. 184 00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:40,720 You knock him off? 185 00:08:40,750 --> 00:08:44,650 They say he got chomped in two by a great white 186 00:08:44,690 --> 00:08:47,490 while he was snorkeling off the coast of Maine. 187 00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:49,530 Ooh, wicked. 188 00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:53,260 Personally, I think he was smuggling drugs down from Canada, 189 00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:56,330 got chainsawed by some cartel. 190 00:08:57,530 --> 00:08:59,300 They only found the bottom half. 191 00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:02,240 Nasty. 192 00:09:02,270 --> 00:09:04,640 Mmm. Nasty business. 193 00:09:04,670 --> 00:09:06,340 Did you keep the dong? 194 00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:10,610 Of course I did. 195 00:09:12,250 --> 00:09:15,180 I had it pickled and put in a jar. 196 00:09:15,750 --> 00:09:16,750 -Yeah. -Wow... 197 00:09:19,820 --> 00:09:21,520 That's what I would have wanted. 198 00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:24,630 -Hmm. -Wow. Beautiful. 199 00:09:26,130 --> 00:09:27,200 Hmm. 200 00:09:27,860 --> 00:09:30,300 [Frank] I have to say I enjoyed the conversation. 201 00:09:30,330 --> 00:09:32,640 We talked all night, didn't even bang. 202 00:09:32,670 --> 00:09:35,700 Which is probably better because my cock was chewed to á*á*á*á*. 203 00:09:36,170 --> 00:09:38,210 So Frank was left with a dilemma. 204 00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:39,480 Who was he gonna choose? 205 00:09:39,510 --> 00:09:41,610 And for that he turned to his family. 206 00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:43,750 But in a bizarre turn of events, 207 00:09:43,780 --> 00:09:48,050 the producers learned that his family was not his family at all. 208 00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:51,750 -He had hired actors to play them. -[audience gasp] 209 00:09:51,790 --> 00:09:54,520 These people are maniacs. You don't understand. 210 00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:57,490 I was afraid they were gonna embarrass me on national television. 211 00:09:57,530 --> 00:10:02,060 So Frank was concerned that his real family would embarrass him. 212 00:10:02,100 --> 00:10:03,430 It was time to go to his hometown: 213 00:10:03,930 --> 00:10:07,340 Philadelphia. The birthplace of our nation. 214 00:10:07,370 --> 00:10:09,340 Could it be the birthplace of a new love? 215 00:10:09,370 --> 00:10:12,240 Things were off to a rocky start. 216 00:10:12,270 --> 00:10:16,610 I was terrified to have Sam and Chewy meet the gang. 217 00:10:16,650 --> 00:10:19,050 But I have to admit, they played it really cool. 218 00:10:20,220 --> 00:10:21,450 Well, here we are. 219 00:10:22,380 --> 00:10:23,750 I'm so excited to see Frank. 220 00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:26,090 Oh, I'm just excited to meet the ladies. 221 00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:27,620 If Frank likes them, I'll like them. 222 00:10:30,260 --> 00:10:31,730 Wonder where they are. [chuckles] 223 00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:33,460 I, too, am feeling things. 224 00:10:35,500 --> 00:10:38,500 Well, speak of the dev... [stammers] Uh, speak of Frank. 225 00:10:38,530 --> 00:10:39,670 [chuckles] 226 00:10:40,300 --> 00:10:42,470 -Hello. -[chuckles] Hi. Hi. 227 00:10:42,500 --> 00:10:46,210 -[sighs] Well, here we are. -[Dee] Uh-huh. 228 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:47,780 -Yeah. -Oh. 229 00:10:47,810 --> 00:10:49,350 I was really nervous that you guys were gonna be mad 230 00:10:49,380 --> 00:10:50,780 about the whole fake family thing. 231 00:10:50,810 --> 00:10:52,620 -Oh. [chuckles] -[blows raspberry, sighs] 232 00:10:52,650 --> 00:10:55,580 -Frank, forget it, huh? -Oh, no. Please, we get it. 233 00:10:55,620 --> 00:10:57,090 -I don't care. -You were nervous. 234 00:10:57,120 --> 00:10:59,190 -Yeah. -I'm passed that. 235 00:10:59,220 --> 00:11:02,220 Yeah, I want you to know how happy we are for both of you and for Frank. 236 00:11:02,260 --> 00:11:04,230 -Well, thank you. -We just want what's best for everyone. 237 00:11:04,260 --> 00:11:06,360 -[Dee] That's right. -Yeah, yeah. 238 00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:08,100 Uh, Frank, should we take your dates and get to know them a little better? 239 00:11:08,130 --> 00:11:09,770 Oh. 240 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:13,640 -Okay. Uh, all right. Play nice. -[chuckles] 241 00:11:13,670 --> 00:11:15,600 [chuckles] Play nice. 242 00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:17,440 -[laughs] Well, we always play nice. -He's a funny guy, right? 243 00:11:17,470 --> 00:11:19,210 -He's so funny. -A joker. 244 00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:22,380 Okay, listen, bitch. You are not getting the money. 245 00:11:22,410 --> 00:11:23,750 Yeah, you're too old to have a baby. 246 00:11:23,780 --> 00:11:25,750 And if you try and adopt, so help me God, 247 00:11:25,780 --> 00:11:28,080 we will snuff that thing out like a cigarillo. 248 00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:30,320 -Hmm. -[whispers] You're on television. 249 00:11:30,350 --> 00:11:32,390 -[scoffs, chuckles] -Please. 250 00:11:32,420 --> 00:11:34,260 I think we all know Disney's never gonna air this. 251 00:11:34,290 --> 00:11:36,230 -No, but you will have heard it. -[Sam] What? 252 00:11:36,260 --> 00:11:37,760 So listen to me and listen good. 253 00:11:38,290 --> 00:11:42,130 You are not getting our money. 254 00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:45,300 I have my own money. 255 00:11:47,070 --> 00:11:48,070 You do? 256 00:11:49,100 --> 00:11:50,170 Explain yourself. 257 00:11:50,610 --> 00:11:54,610 I got chicken money and plenty of it too. 258 00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:57,650 So whatever Frank's got, he can just keep it. 259 00:11:57,680 --> 00:12:00,380 I made my own fortune on the backs of others. 260 00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:04,090 I don't need to be pulling it out of an old man's pocket. 261 00:12:04,690 --> 00:12:06,690 -Chicken money. -Chicken money, huh? 262 00:12:07,590 --> 00:12:09,790 The chicken money comment was a bit of a relief, you know? 263 00:12:09,830 --> 00:12:11,730 -Not that I trust her. -Well, no, that's true. 264 00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:13,500 We're not really the trusting kind, you know? 265 00:12:13,530 --> 00:12:15,700 But if she does have this so-called "chicken money", 266 00:12:15,730 --> 00:12:17,430 then we wouldn't mind, uh... 267 00:12:17,470 --> 00:12:19,570 [smacks lips] Wetting our beaks. 268 00:12:21,500 --> 00:12:23,470 Did you see that? I didn't have to say it. 269 00:12:23,510 --> 00:12:24,710 She-She walked right into it. 270 00:12:26,780 --> 00:12:28,040 Dee's a bird. 271 00:12:36,250 --> 00:12:39,190 [Mac] Uh... [stammers] ...Chewy. May I call you Chewy? 272 00:12:39,220 --> 00:12:41,220 -Yeah. -Chewy, we are a vibe. 273 00:12:41,260 --> 00:12:42,760 And we need to know how you're gonna fit in. 274 00:12:42,790 --> 00:12:44,530 You know, I think it's important that whoever 275 00:12:44,560 --> 00:12:46,660 we bring into the fold fits with our dynamic. 276 00:12:46,700 --> 00:12:49,460 Oh, I love the gays. I'll chew on that thang. 277 00:12:50,070 --> 00:12:52,470 That doesn't make any sense. Moreover, it sickens me. 278 00:12:52,500 --> 00:12:54,300 [stammers] What is this? How is this gonna work? 279 00:12:54,340 --> 00:12:56,340 Like, there's no room for you on my couch, man. 280 00:12:56,370 --> 00:12:58,710 -There's just not. -Okay. Well, we have to pick one, Charlie. 281 00:12:58,740 --> 00:13:02,180 I don't want to pick one. I don't understand why Frank did this. 282 00:13:02,210 --> 00:13:03,750 If he was unhappy, why didn't he come to me? 283 00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:07,480 You ruined this, okay? I need it to go back to the way that it was. 284 00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:09,520 Well, he's not gonna just chew on that thang. 285 00:13:09,550 --> 00:13:11,190 -Whatever y'all want. -[sighs, stammers] What does that mean? 286 00:13:11,220 --> 00:13:12,590 Why does she keep saying it? 287 00:13:12,620 --> 00:13:14,590 -[gnawing] -I'd seen all I needed to see. 288 00:13:14,620 --> 00:13:16,390 I mean, we-we couldn't run the risk of one of these women 289 00:13:16,430 --> 00:13:18,630 becoming a major player in our lives. [sighs] 290 00:13:18,660 --> 00:13:20,630 We need to bring in someone Frank might go for, 291 00:13:20,660 --> 00:13:23,100 but who we know we can control. [sighs] 292 00:13:23,130 --> 00:13:24,730 A woman with no personal ambitions 293 00:13:24,770 --> 00:13:27,740 but who Frank could also bang. 294 00:13:27,770 --> 00:13:29,710 -[glass clinks] -Guys, I believe I have the first line. 295 00:13:29,740 --> 00:13:32,070 -Uh, announcement. -Announce. Just an announcement. 296 00:13:32,110 --> 00:13:34,240 -It's just a natural conversation. -Yes. 297 00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:36,210 -He just has to talk first. -Welcome to Mac and Dennis's apartment. 298 00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:38,110 -Well, you're Mac. -I'm Mac. 299 00:13:38,150 --> 00:13:39,580 -Well, he's just welcoming. -Yeah. 300 00:13:39,620 --> 00:13:41,180 This is Dennis, and this is our apartment. 301 00:13:41,220 --> 00:13:43,220 -Yes. -And we do a lot of hosting. 302 00:13:43,250 --> 00:13:45,450 -That's right. -And we are not a couple. 303 00:13:45,490 --> 00:13:49,360 -No. -But our living arrangement is 304 00:13:49,390 --> 00:13:51,190 -perfectly age appropriate. -[Charlie Kelly] But he is gay. 305 00:13:51,230 --> 00:13:52,660 -Well, he is gay. -Well... [grunts] ...Goddamn it. 306 00:13:52,690 --> 00:13:55,060 And I am gay. 307 00:13:55,100 --> 00:13:57,200 Uh, I believe I may have snapped at Dennis and hit him a little bit... 308 00:13:57,230 --> 00:13:59,240 -Yeah, a little bit too hard. -...too hard. 309 00:13:59,270 --> 00:14:01,240 And also the fact that you're gay is inconsequential because... 310 00:14:01,270 --> 00:14:03,040 -It's playful. -Yes. 311 00:14:03,070 --> 00:14:04,740 ...that's gonna make it sound like maybe I'm not. 312 00:14:04,770 --> 00:14:07,440 -[laughs] Chew on that thang. -What? 313 00:14:08,210 --> 00:14:09,710 She's not supposed to say that, right? 314 00:14:09,750 --> 00:14:11,750 Is that it? That's all she can say? 315 00:14:11,780 --> 00:14:13,450 -The vocab is limited. -Good. 316 00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:15,020 -Yeah. -I'ma barf on it. 317 00:14:15,620 --> 00:14:17,020 -What? -What? 318 00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:19,320 [Mac] That's not your line. 319 00:14:19,350 --> 00:14:21,390 -What are you... What are you doing? -[Sam] What is she... 320 00:14:21,420 --> 00:14:23,360 Ah. It's kind of a catchphrase that I do, you know what I mean? 321 00:14:23,390 --> 00:14:25,290 -She's kidding. You're kidding. -Barf on that thing, y'all. 322 00:14:25,730 --> 00:14:27,300 -[laughs] That's playful. -[Sam] Oh, no. 323 00:14:27,330 --> 00:14:29,200 -Well, no, no, no. -[coughing] 324 00:14:29,230 --> 00:14:30,730 Should I have a catchphrase? I don't approve of this union. 325 00:14:30,770 --> 00:14:32,740 Let's keep this evening about Frank, okay? 326 00:14:32,770 --> 00:14:35,200 And not have... We don't have... Nobody has any catchphrases. 327 00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:38,510 We-we're just... Uh, I'm gonna raise a toast... Um... 328 00:14:38,540 --> 00:14:42,610 to these two wonderful women and to an impossible choice. 329 00:14:42,640 --> 00:14:43,780 -Yeah. -Oh. 330 00:14:43,810 --> 00:14:45,480 -[knocks on door] -Oh. 331 00:14:45,510 --> 00:14:48,020 -My, my. Who could that be? -Oh. What's this? 332 00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:50,320 Goddamn it. 333 00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:52,590 [sighs] 334 00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:57,260 Hey... Oh, Miss... Ms. Kelly. 335 00:14:57,290 --> 00:15:00,260 -Mom. -My God. Well, what brings you here? 336 00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:04,330 To be a slut and to marry Frank. 337 00:15:04,370 --> 00:15:05,470 That was... 338 00:15:05,500 --> 00:15:07,300 -Oh. -[laughing] 339 00:15:08,270 --> 00:15:10,710 Really? Oh, good. Dennis, did you put her up to this? 340 00:15:10,740 --> 00:15:12,510 What do you mean? She just came over. 341 00:15:12,540 --> 00:15:14,610 Already I have to deal with two sluts and now a third? 342 00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:17,080 -[grunts, coughs] -Start over, Mac! Start over. 343 00:15:17,110 --> 00:15:20,080 -[screaming] -[objects clattering] 344 00:15:25,390 --> 00:15:25,750 á*á*á*á* yeah! 345 00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:41,100 Now the stakes were even higher with a third woman in the mix, 346 00:15:41,140 --> 00:15:42,810 but luckily for Frank, 347 00:15:42,840 --> 00:15:45,510 he'd have the fantasy suites to help him make up his mind. 348 00:15:45,540 --> 00:15:49,210 This was the hardest decision of my life. What's the order? 349 00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:53,820 Do I go Chewy first and work my way to Bonnie through Sam? 350 00:15:53,850 --> 00:15:57,790 Or do I run the risk of being gnawed to a stump and have to heal? 351 00:15:57,820 --> 00:15:59,790 I was feeling so many things. 352 00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,730 And then, I had an idea. 353 00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:06,260 Frank, there is no way Disney is ever gonna go with that. 354 00:16:06,300 --> 00:16:07,460 It's what I want. 355 00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:09,330 No, Frank, we have to stagger them. 356 00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:12,070 [Frank] I'll handle that once we're in the middle of it. 357 00:16:12,100 --> 00:16:13,700 Look, you wanna join us? 358 00:16:13,740 --> 00:16:16,670 I don't love it, but no eye contact and we're good. 359 00:16:16,710 --> 00:16:18,470 All right. Let's go ahead. Let's go. 360 00:16:18,510 --> 00:16:21,080 Ha! Let's go, ladies. 361 00:16:21,710 --> 00:16:24,580 We're gonna do kind of a group situation. 362 00:16:24,610 --> 00:16:27,580 Why don't you just come this way? 363 00:16:27,620 --> 00:16:29,490 -There you go. There you go. -Yeah. 364 00:16:29,520 --> 00:16:31,690 -O-Okay, listen to me, Frank. -Hey. 365 00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:33,190 I'm no prude, right? 366 00:16:33,220 --> 00:16:35,490 I mean, I was in the navy, right? 367 00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:38,690 I took a whole destroyer full of torpedoes, you know? 368 00:16:38,730 --> 00:16:40,600 [chuckles] That's pretty funny, Sam. 369 00:16:40,630 --> 00:16:42,600 Yeah, but here's the thing: 370 00:16:42,630 --> 00:16:45,630 I feel like I'm ready to settle down and, you know... [laughs] 371 00:16:45,670 --> 00:16:50,470 -...I got feelings for-for-for you, Frank. -You do? 372 00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:53,140 Yeah, you know. Ain't that something. 373 00:16:53,180 --> 00:16:55,310 I-I gotta tell you a little story, right? 374 00:16:55,340 --> 00:16:57,580 Well, I'm kind of on the clock here, you know? 375 00:16:57,610 --> 00:16:58,750 Yeah, okay. 376 00:16:59,750 --> 00:17:01,480 When I was a little girl, 377 00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:05,220 I shortened my name to Sam and I told everybody, 378 00:17:05,250 --> 00:17:07,390 "Ooh, I-I really liked that so much better," 379 00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:09,620 but I didn't. 380 00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:16,570 I-I just thought that... Samantha, that's-that's too long for anybody to say. 381 00:17:17,070 --> 00:17:21,770 So-So I changed my name, Frank, because I thought 382 00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:26,180 that nobody would care enough to take the time to say the whole thing. 383 00:17:26,210 --> 00:17:29,480 Oh, my God. Stupid, huh? [laughs] 384 00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:32,050 Well, you were a kid. [stammers] 385 00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:35,250 I lived my whole life that way. 386 00:17:36,020 --> 00:17:40,520 And when I was busy pretending to be somebody that I wasn't, 387 00:17:42,290 --> 00:17:47,700 you were living your life being exactly who you are. 388 00:17:52,130 --> 00:17:54,340 I just love that about you, Frank. 389 00:17:56,470 --> 00:18:00,410 And I kind of thought it was too late for me, but then, 390 00:18:01,740 --> 00:18:06,150 you've shown me that it's never too late 391 00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:08,380 to find your heart. 392 00:18:09,790 --> 00:18:11,020 And your voice. 393 00:18:11,590 --> 00:18:12,690 And your name. 394 00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:19,490 I think I'm falling in love with you, Frank. 395 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:22,630 Yeah, I-I don't want to ruin that. 396 00:18:23,230 --> 00:18:26,100 So, you know, I'm not going in there. 397 00:18:27,140 --> 00:18:28,400 I'm-I'm gonna go. 398 00:18:37,850 --> 00:18:40,220 [Jesse] Sam had struck a chord. 399 00:18:40,250 --> 00:18:43,150 And now Frank had an even tougher decision to make. 400 00:18:43,190 --> 00:18:45,290 Just what was he going to do? 401 00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:47,620 Yeah, I mean, I took a shot, right? [chuckles] 402 00:18:47,660 --> 00:18:51,790 And I-I think he's feeling the same things I am. 403 00:18:51,830 --> 00:18:54,100 At least, I hope so, right? [laughs] 404 00:18:54,130 --> 00:18:55,160 [knocks on door] 405 00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:56,230 [Sam] Yeah. 406 00:19:02,140 --> 00:19:03,170 [crew member] What's it say? 407 00:19:11,810 --> 00:19:14,720 Look, as much as Dennis wanted Frank to pick Bonnie, 408 00:19:14,750 --> 00:19:17,490 we all knew he was gonna go with the 20-year-old, so... 409 00:19:18,050 --> 00:19:20,420 I devised that prank to make sure she was cool. 410 00:19:20,890 --> 00:19:23,560 The prank is this, when they fly us out there, we set off 411 00:19:23,590 --> 00:19:27,060 one of those elephant toothpaste bombs in the mansion. [chuckles] 412 00:19:27,100 --> 00:19:28,730 And then, if she likes it, she's in. 413 00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:30,570 -[stammers] What the hell is that? -What is that? 414 00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:32,170 Oh. It's-It's like a chemical reaction. Check it out. 415 00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:37,440 -Cool, huh? -[Dennis] Oh. Yeah. 416 00:19:37,470 --> 00:19:39,540 This is a good idea though, Mac. I could work with this. 417 00:19:39,570 --> 00:19:41,640 -Yeah, that's gonna be fun. -Okay. 418 00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:45,050 So Frank was concerned that his real family would embarrass him. 419 00:19:45,410 --> 00:19:47,550 Well, we've got them here with us tonight. 420 00:19:47,950 --> 00:19:49,420 How do you guys feel about that? 421 00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:52,150 [audience scream, gasp] 422 00:19:52,190 --> 00:19:53,290 Well... 423 00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:55,120 The situation... [strains, gasps] 424 00:19:55,160 --> 00:19:59,360 ...under the circumstances is quite understandable. 425 00:19:59,390 --> 00:20:05,170 Our appearance may seem gruesome, but all can be quite easily explained. 426 00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:06,340 [straining] Oh. Indeed. 427 00:20:06,370 --> 00:20:08,100 -[Charlie Kelly] Yeah. -Indeed. 428 00:20:08,140 --> 00:20:11,810 As you can tell, our voices have also been affected, 429 00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:15,140 creating an unintentionally sinister tone. 430 00:20:15,180 --> 00:20:17,780 -So, where did things go wrong, guys? -Well... 431 00:20:17,810 --> 00:20:19,720 [straining] There seems to have been a miscalculation. 432 00:20:19,750 --> 00:20:22,380 -Our hubris got the best of us. -Nonsense. 433 00:20:23,020 --> 00:20:28,320 There was no mix-up in the laboratory, no... [gasps] ...neglect of the pH balance. 434 00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:30,630 It was my jealousy of these women 435 00:20:30,660 --> 00:20:34,230 that drove me to surreptitiously add 20 gallons 436 00:20:34,260 --> 00:20:38,270 -of Nair hair removal into the concoction. -[audience gasp] 437 00:20:38,730 --> 00:20:40,600 Wait, wait, you did what? 438 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:45,770 ♪ You wear short shorts If you dare wear short shorts Nair for-- ♪ 439 00:20:45,810 --> 00:20:47,380 Yeah, we know the product. 440 00:20:47,410 --> 00:20:48,540 You're familiar with it? 441 00:20:48,580 --> 00:20:50,150 Do you guys know the song? 442 00:20:50,180 --> 00:20:52,110 -Yes, we know the goddamn song. -Yes. 443 00:20:52,150 --> 00:20:53,350 Uh. Okay, okay, okay, that's just... 444 00:20:53,380 --> 00:20:55,320 We're gonna stop right there. 445 00:20:55,350 --> 00:20:57,650 Uh. So with no help from his family whatsoever, 446 00:20:57,690 --> 00:21:01,060 Frank is now left with the most important choice of his entire life. 447 00:21:01,090 --> 00:21:05,130 And on that final night he had to make that choice alone. 448 00:21:07,630 --> 00:21:08,660 Ooh. 449 00:21:10,670 --> 00:21:12,400 Frank, it's the final rose. 450 00:21:12,430 --> 00:21:15,370 This is it. So who will you choose? 451 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,440 Will it be Bonnie or Sara? 452 00:21:19,140 --> 00:21:20,610 Who the hell is Sara? 453 00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:23,650 You actually thought that the woman's birth name was Cock Chewa? 454 00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:26,450 Oh. Never gave it much thought. 455 00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:28,080 America is waiting. 456 00:21:28,650 --> 00:21:31,490 Frank, who are you gonna give it to? 457 00:21:34,260 --> 00:21:39,490 Well, Bonnie, you are a dirty, dirty slut. 458 00:21:40,260 --> 00:21:41,630 Thank you, Frank. 459 00:21:41,660 --> 00:21:43,230 And you're old as hell. 460 00:21:43,630 --> 00:21:48,400 But-But I gotta be honest, you bone me up like nobody else. 461 00:21:48,770 --> 00:21:51,470 So it's really hard not to choose you. 462 00:21:55,110 --> 00:21:58,810 Chewy, I gotta be honest, I don't like the teeth. 463 00:21:58,850 --> 00:22:03,620 I-I never understood the chewing thing. I mean, people like that? 464 00:22:03,650 --> 00:22:05,390 Chew on that thang? 465 00:22:05,420 --> 00:22:08,460 It's weird as hell. It hurts, your chomping on it. 466 00:22:08,490 --> 00:22:11,390 -I mean, it's like... [gnaws] -[gnawing] 467 00:22:11,430 --> 00:22:14,330 You go deep, deep, deep. [gnaws] The bottom? Oh. 468 00:22:14,360 --> 00:22:17,000 I may never recover from that. [sighs] 469 00:22:18,100 --> 00:22:19,200 But I gotta say, 470 00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:24,540 you are so goddamn hot. 471 00:22:24,570 --> 00:22:26,740 It is hard not to choose you. 472 00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:29,410 I gotta make a decision. 473 00:22:34,180 --> 00:22:35,420 I gotta make a decision. 474 00:22:38,750 --> 00:22:39,790 And... 475 00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:42,560 my decision is... 476 00:22:49,360 --> 00:22:50,400 [Frank] Sam! 477 00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:53,700 Sam! Sam, where are you? 478 00:22:55,570 --> 00:22:56,610 Sam! 479 00:22:57,670 --> 00:22:58,710 Sam! 480 00:23:00,810 --> 00:23:02,280 Sam! 481 00:23:04,650 --> 00:23:08,220 Samantha! Samantha! 482 00:23:09,120 --> 00:23:10,150 [Sam] Frank. 483 00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:12,520 -Frank. -Saman... Oh. 484 00:23:12,890 --> 00:23:14,820 Samantha, don't get on that bus. 485 00:23:14,860 --> 00:23:16,590 I'm a jerk. I'm an idiot. 486 00:23:16,630 --> 00:23:18,790 But most of all I'm a coward. 487 00:23:18,830 --> 00:23:22,330 I-I didn't let you go because I didn't like you. 488 00:23:22,900 --> 00:23:26,270 I-I got rid of you because I like you too much 489 00:23:26,300 --> 00:23:28,340 and it scared the shit out of me. 490 00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:30,540 I'm just like you, Samantha. 491 00:23:31,210 --> 00:23:33,710 But together, we don't have to be afraid. 492 00:23:35,610 --> 00:23:38,580 Would you accept this rose and be my wife? 493 00:23:44,450 --> 00:23:45,490 Frank, 494 00:23:46,360 --> 00:23:47,390 I will. 495 00:23:51,390 --> 00:23:52,430 [chuckles] 496 00:24:04,340 --> 00:24:05,810 [Ms. Kelly] Be strong, Bonnie. 497 00:24:05,840 --> 00:24:09,350 Be strong for your little gingerbread man. 498 00:24:09,380 --> 00:24:10,810 -Bonnie? -[chuckles] 499 00:24:10,850 --> 00:24:12,250 How do you guys know each other? 500 00:24:13,650 --> 00:24:15,080 -This is my date. -Yeah. 501 00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:18,150 One. Two. Three. [sighs] 502 00:24:18,190 --> 00:24:21,120 -Why are you doing everything in threes? -So Charlie doesn't die. 503 00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:22,390 Show us on the doll. 504 00:24:22,420 --> 00:24:23,490 Show you what? 505 00:24:23,530 --> 00:24:25,160 Where he touched you. 506 00:24:25,190 --> 00:24:26,700 I don't want a dog to eat my face, Charlie. 507 00:24:26,730 --> 00:24:28,400 She doesn't want a dog eating her face. 508 00:24:28,430 --> 00:24:30,300 Oh. Sorry. 509 00:24:30,330 --> 00:24:31,770 You! 510 00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:33,600 -[Charlie Kelly chuckles] Hey. -Merry Christmas. 511 00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:35,800 -I'm so excited. It's almost Christmas! -I'm so excited! 512 00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:39,270 I'll be in the kitchen making gingerbread men for my gingerbread boy.