1 00:00:18,150 --> 00:00:21,120 Coming up next week on The Golden Bachelor... 2 00:00:21,150 --> 00:00:24,390 I'm really excited to get back to Philly for my hometown visit. 3 00:00:24,750 --> 00:00:28,320 I run a bar with my kids and my kids' friends. 4 00:00:28,360 --> 00:00:31,390 And my roommate, who is also one of my kids' friends, 5 00:00:31,430 --> 00:00:34,100 who we thought was my kid. 6 00:00:34,130 --> 00:00:38,600 But we chucked his real dad off a cliff. He was already soup by that point. 7 00:00:38,630 --> 00:00:43,670 Anyway... I want us all to have a nice dinner, get to know each other. 8 00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:47,180 It's gonna be a really classy affair. 9 00:00:47,210 --> 00:00:48,310 Mmm. 10 00:00:49,380 --> 00:00:52,080 We look forward to it. 11 00:00:52,110 --> 00:00:54,520 So join us next week as we travel to Philadelphia for Frank's hometown visit. 12 00:00:55,420 --> 00:00:58,350 Well... you know what this means, guys. 13 00:00:59,090 --> 00:01:01,620 - What? - We gotta get our shit together. 14 00:01:26,850 --> 00:01:28,750 - All right. - I don't know. I don't get it. 15 00:01:28,780 --> 00:01:30,350 Like, why is he doing this? 16 00:01:30,390 --> 00:01:32,490 Oh, who knows? You know, fame, attention. 17 00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:34,820 Maybe he just wants to bang a bunch of old ladies. It doesn't matter 18 00:01:34,860 --> 00:01:37,360 'cause what does matter is how we come across when those cameras are rolling, 19 00:01:37,390 --> 00:01:39,630 right? I mean, this is prime time TV we're talking about. 20 00:01:39,660 --> 00:01:42,330 And we pop on something like this, all our hopes and dreams could come true. 21 00:01:42,360 --> 00:01:45,470 I mean, hell... we live in a country where reality television 22 00:01:45,500 --> 00:01:47,470 could be a pathway towards being the president. 23 00:01:47,500 --> 00:01:49,740 Yeah. But what's with the scripts? 24 00:01:49,770 --> 00:01:52,610 Oh. Yeah, so Frank said that he wanted to have a really classy dinner. 25 00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:56,410 And, you know, we've struggled with that a little bit in the past, admittedly. 26 00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:58,480 So I just jotted down some lines... 27 00:01:58,510 --> 00:02:01,180 some small talk for us to, you know, talk about over the dinner, 28 00:02:01,220 --> 00:02:03,750 so that we can stay away from some of the danger zones. 29 00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:06,420 I feel like this is gonna feel too scripted, you know? 30 00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:08,090 - Yeah, I mean... - Well, it is. 31 00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:09,630 Shouldn't it be a little bit more off the cuff? 32 00:02:09,660 --> 00:02:11,360 - No. - Yeah. Like... 33 00:02:11,390 --> 00:02:12,830 Like, the other day I was walking down by City Hall, 34 00:02:12,860 --> 00:02:14,730 and I noticed this coyote was following me. 35 00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:16,300 - Really? - Right down Market Street, 36 00:02:16,330 --> 00:02:18,070 - in broad daylight. - In Market Street? 37 00:02:18,100 --> 00:02:19,470 So I turned to this coyote. I got on my haunches, 38 00:02:19,500 --> 00:02:22,040 'cause you gotta get down on your haunches. 39 00:02:22,070 --> 00:02:23,740 You gotta meet them where they are. And I'm like, "Why are you following me?" 40 00:02:23,770 --> 00:02:26,080 - Yeah! - I said, "Back off, 41 00:02:26,110 --> 00:02:29,040 or I will stick my thumbs into your eyes." Which I've said to you before. 42 00:02:29,080 --> 00:02:34,750 No, I don't think we should be regaling audiences with tales of animal abuse. 43 00:02:34,780 --> 00:02:36,690 - It was following him. - We're not. 44 00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:38,350 - I was the hunted, he was the hunter. - Okay. Well... 45 00:02:38,390 --> 00:02:40,320 Dennis. Dennis. How come I don't have any lines? 46 00:02:40,790 --> 00:02:42,630 You do. 47 00:02:42,660 --> 00:02:45,460 "Hi, I'm Dee. Frank is a great dad." That's it. 48 00:02:46,860 --> 00:02:49,730 - It's all you need. - No. It's not... It doesn't pop. 49 00:02:49,770 --> 00:02:52,170 How am I supposed to pop with this? No, I need to be slinging zingers. 50 00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:54,700 You guys, I have a new one about a Chinese guy and his optometrist... 51 00:02:54,740 --> 00:02:58,270 Oh, God. No. Dee, stop doing that. No race jokes, no edge. 52 00:02:58,310 --> 00:03:00,410 - You know, actually, no comedy at all. - What? 53 00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:02,610 Well, we've moved past comedy as a society. 54 00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:05,080 We don't want it anymore, we've decided. 55 00:03:05,110 --> 00:03:08,150 You know, it makes us think too much about, you know, our current condition. 56 00:03:08,180 --> 00:03:10,190 And then, really, we don't want to think about ourselves 57 00:03:10,220 --> 00:03:12,090 because it makes us feel bad about ourselves. 58 00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:13,760 - It's confusing. - So we project onto the people 59 00:03:13,790 --> 00:03:16,060 that are making us think, and we cancel 'em. 60 00:03:16,090 --> 00:03:18,060 - We get mad. - I'm with Dennis. 61 00:03:18,090 --> 00:03:20,100 - Go woke, go broke. Right, Dennis? - Yeah, for sure, man. 62 00:03:20,130 --> 00:03:22,460 No. Uh, well, no. That's the opposite of what I'm saying. 63 00:03:22,500 --> 00:03:24,070 It sounds like what you're saying. 64 00:03:24,100 --> 00:03:24,800 That's pretty much what you're saying. 65 00:03:24,830 --> 00:03:26,270 It's not. No. She said... 66 00:03:27,770 --> 00:03:29,200 - We're already broke. - Yeah. 67 00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:31,170 No, what I'm saying is if we go woke... 68 00:03:32,010 --> 00:03:33,680 - We'll go broke? - We pop. 69 00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:37,580 I want to know what all these, uh, creams and bottles are. 70 00:03:37,610 --> 00:03:41,220 - These... What are we doing? - Ah. Yes. Um, glad you asked, Charlie. 71 00:03:41,250 --> 00:03:43,620 Um, those are various shampoos and tanning creams. 72 00:03:43,650 --> 00:03:48,190 And, uh, yeah, got some Nair hair removal in there, for any unsightly hairs. 73 00:03:48,220 --> 00:03:49,260 What, me? 74 00:03:49,660 --> 00:03:51,630 - Probably. - Well, sure. Yeah, you. 75 00:03:51,660 --> 00:03:53,300 Uh, but, you know, all of you. 76 00:03:53,330 --> 00:03:55,060 - Here's an idea, actually. - No, not me. 77 00:03:55,100 --> 00:03:57,400 What if instead of getting all clean, I get more dirty. 78 00:03:57,430 --> 00:03:59,670 And then Frank's like, "Oh, my God, he's dirty. 79 00:03:59,700 --> 00:04:01,170 I'm concerned about him," you know? 80 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:03,470 You guys just aren't getting it, okay? 81 00:04:03,510 --> 00:04:06,710 You're not getting it. All right, this is bigger than just looking good, okay? 82 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:10,080 The most important thing here is to not look bad. 83 00:04:10,110 --> 00:04:13,080 Hollywood actually has a system for this already in place. 84 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:15,820 It's called the testing process. They get together. Focus group, 85 00:04:15,850 --> 00:04:18,750 and they... Well, actually, we did a focus group for the last Thunder Gun movie, 86 00:04:18,790 --> 00:04:20,560 - if you guys recall. - Oh, yeah, yeah. 87 00:04:20,590 --> 00:04:22,490 And they score us on a scale of one to one hundred. 88 00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:25,460 Then we just keep refining the dinner over and over again, 89 00:04:25,490 --> 00:04:29,130 until finally we land on the most perfect versions of ourselves 90 00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:33,370 that will appeal to the widest possible audience and offend no one. 91 00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:37,640 That is how you make great art. 92 00:04:40,780 --> 00:04:42,710 Okay. Thank you all for coming. 93 00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:46,220 Uh, so some of you have done these before, for movies. 94 00:04:46,250 --> 00:04:48,750 And for some of you, I know it's your first time. 95 00:04:48,780 --> 00:04:51,450 But, in a bit of an unorthodox move, 96 00:04:51,490 --> 00:04:54,220 we will be watching a live performance today, 97 00:04:54,260 --> 00:04:57,060 in preparation for the show The Golden Bachelor. 98 00:04:58,630 --> 00:05:03,000 Okay, so let's begin the, uh... The show. 99 00:05:05,370 --> 00:05:06,430 Um... 100 00:05:07,370 --> 00:05:09,400 - Tell 'em not to clap. - Excuse me? 101 00:05:09,910 --> 00:05:12,810 Well, it's, you know, it's not a play. So, they shouldn't clap or, 102 00:05:12,840 --> 00:05:15,340 you know, laugh out loud or groan or anything like that. 103 00:05:15,380 --> 00:05:18,250 No. How are we supposed to know what they think is funny? Let 'em laugh. 104 00:05:19,110 --> 00:05:21,350 Okay. They can laugh, but, you know, no claps. 105 00:05:21,380 --> 00:05:23,620 I think we should keep the claps so we know what they love. 106 00:05:23,650 --> 00:05:26,360 Oh, God. Jesus Christ. Dude, you really overdid it on the tanner. 107 00:05:26,390 --> 00:05:28,190 - Well, it's a farmer's tan. - You're not a farmer. 108 00:05:28,220 --> 00:05:29,290 But my guy is. 109 00:05:29,320 --> 00:05:30,590 Your guy? What guy? 110 00:05:30,630 --> 00:05:32,060 You know what? Just start. 111 00:05:33,660 --> 00:05:36,570 Right. Uh... So, let's begin. 112 00:05:47,310 --> 00:05:48,310 Okay. 113 00:05:53,380 --> 00:05:55,480 Well, here we are. 114 00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:56,620 Mmm. 115 00:05:56,650 --> 00:05:58,190 Sure can't wait to see Frank. 116 00:05:58,220 --> 00:05:59,720 I can't wait to meet the lucky lady. 117 00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:01,420 If Frank likes her, I'll like her. 118 00:06:02,660 --> 00:06:04,460 So, where are they? 119 00:06:04,830 --> 00:06:07,700 Well, our lovable old pal Charlie is on his way over with them right now. 120 00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:11,300 - Oh. Speak of the devil. - Huh. 121 00:06:11,670 --> 00:06:13,770 Here they are. Come on in, guys. It's open. 122 00:06:16,370 --> 00:06:17,610 He's so bald. 123 00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:19,140 Hello, everybody. 124 00:06:19,910 --> 00:06:23,140 Frank, Frank's date, come on in. 125 00:06:25,510 --> 00:06:27,680 Thanks, Charlie. I'm starving. 126 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:31,750 Um, me too. Because I'm a slut who likes to shove things in her mouth. 127 00:06:31,790 --> 00:06:33,290 Oh. 128 00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:34,320 Right. 129 00:06:35,660 --> 00:06:38,190 So... Whoo! 130 00:06:38,660 --> 00:06:40,400 What a day. 131 00:06:40,760 --> 00:06:43,570 You guys will not believe what happened to me. 132 00:06:44,430 --> 00:06:46,700 Okay. Well, I'm sure it's a very interesting story. 133 00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:49,070 But we don't want to hear it, because we're here to talk to Frank. 134 00:06:49,100 --> 00:06:51,170 I wanna hear Charlie's story because he looks crazy. 135 00:06:51,210 --> 00:06:53,280 No, no, no, no. You don't want to hear his story, 136 00:06:53,310 --> 00:06:55,340 because you were gonna tell us more about yourself. 137 00:06:55,380 --> 00:06:57,150 - What happened to you? - -You were gonna tell us more... 138 00:06:57,180 --> 00:06:58,710 - Yes. - You were gonna tell us 139 00:06:58,750 --> 00:07:01,450 - more about yourself. - I'm Mac. Uh, I love Jesus, 140 00:07:01,480 --> 00:07:03,490 and therefore am not gay. 141 00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:06,620 - What? - I am a farmer, and I plow the fields. 142 00:07:06,660 --> 00:07:12,090 And that's why I have this farmer's tan, which plays in the fly-over states. 143 00:07:12,130 --> 00:07:16,170 - That's good. - And I live with Dennis in a friendship, 144 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:19,340 man-to-man, nongay role. 145 00:07:19,370 --> 00:07:21,570 - Oh, okay. Yeah. Let's not... - Right, Dennis? 146 00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:24,340 The more he tries to hammer it home, the more it sounds like we do do it. 147 00:07:24,370 --> 00:07:27,040 - There is no gay here. - It's irrelevant. He's gay, I'm straight. 148 00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:29,310 - They just live together. - Yeah. Which is totally normal 149 00:07:29,340 --> 00:07:31,110 - for two middle-aged men. - Right. 150 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:35,680 - They like when I'm funny. - Don't refer to them. 151 00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:37,050 They like when I'm funny. 152 00:07:37,090 --> 00:07:39,090 - Did you notice that? - No. 153 00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:40,690 Hey, you guys wanna hear the one about the Chinaman's doctor? 154 00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:42,220 - No, no. Hang on. - They don't. 155 00:07:42,260 --> 00:07:44,490 That is so racist. 156 00:07:44,530 --> 00:07:46,700 I yelled at a coyote the other day. Would anyone like to see a reenactment? 157 00:07:48,460 --> 00:07:49,560 Yeah? 158 00:07:50,230 --> 00:07:53,070 - This is a good story. - Yeah. It came at me, and I was like... 159 00:07:53,100 --> 00:07:55,200 - Tell 'em what you said. - I was so super cool. 160 00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:57,140 I was like, "Later, bro." 161 00:07:57,170 --> 00:07:58,240 No, you screamed at it. 162 00:08:03,250 --> 00:08:05,310 Well, this was a goddamn nightmare. I mean, Charlie, what happened, dude? 163 00:08:05,350 --> 00:08:08,580 I confused the shampoo with the Nair hair removal. 164 00:08:08,620 --> 00:08:10,720 And then, you know, it came off. 165 00:08:10,750 --> 00:08:14,090 Jesus Christ, man. And, Mac, why are you back in the closet? 166 00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:15,620 I wanted to appeal to the fly-over states. 167 00:08:15,660 --> 00:08:17,360 Go woke, go broke. That's what you always say. 168 00:08:17,390 --> 00:08:19,400 I don't say that, you say that, all right? 169 00:08:19,430 --> 00:08:21,700 And people were confused, all right? They think we're a couple. 170 00:08:21,730 --> 00:08:25,030 Oh. Okay. Well, maybe America is ready for us. 171 00:08:25,830 --> 00:08:28,570 There is no us. Mac, stop trying to groom me, okay? 172 00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:30,710 And please stop saying, "Go woke, go broke." 173 00:08:30,740 --> 00:08:32,310 What'd we get? What was our score? 174 00:08:32,340 --> 00:08:34,110 - Twenty-two. - Out of what? 175 00:08:34,140 --> 00:08:35,780 Out of a goddamn 100! 176 00:08:35,810 --> 00:08:38,210 - Oh, is that low? - Yeah... That's very low. 177 00:08:38,250 --> 00:08:40,250 This is exactly what I was talking about. 178 00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:42,620 That's why I had a script. 179 00:08:42,650 --> 00:08:44,750 That being said, you know, some of these comments are a little bit confusing. 180 00:08:44,790 --> 00:08:47,120 I mean, like, they didn't like when I said, "Speak of the devil." 181 00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,390 I didn't like that either. You know, you shouldn't speak of Satan. 182 00:08:49,420 --> 00:08:52,090 - And you said, "speak of the devil." - He was speaking of the devil. 183 00:08:52,130 --> 00:08:54,100 - I heard that too. - It's a figure of speech. 184 00:08:54,130 --> 00:08:55,630 - Mmm. You were speaking of Satan. - Yeah. 185 00:08:55,660 --> 00:08:58,030 America doesn't like that, and I don't like that. 186 00:08:58,070 --> 00:08:59,100 - I don't like to represent... - I was speaking of the person... 187 00:08:59,130 --> 00:09:01,240 So who tested the highest? 188 00:09:01,270 --> 00:09:04,240 Well... Mac and Dee tested the highest, which is crazy. 189 00:09:04,270 --> 00:09:06,080 - Oh! - Oh, yeah! 190 00:09:06,110 --> 00:09:08,110 - Well, well done. - I didn't say you tested high. 191 00:09:08,140 --> 00:09:10,580 I said you tested the highest, you know. 192 00:09:10,610 --> 00:09:13,120 Unbelievably, they thought Dee was funny, except for the goddamn Chinaman comment. 193 00:09:13,150 --> 00:09:15,320 Which was completely inappropriate, bitch. 194 00:09:15,350 --> 00:09:17,320 Listen, I can take a note. I'll go woke and I'll switch to clean comedy. 195 00:09:17,350 --> 00:09:19,520 How about no comedy at all, okay? That's what's woke. 196 00:09:19,550 --> 00:09:22,190 I mean, awaken to the fact that you're just not funny. 197 00:09:22,220 --> 00:09:23,630 - Hmm. - Nah. 198 00:09:23,660 --> 00:09:24,730 - Dennis, what'd they like about me? - Yeah. 199 00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:28,600 This one wanted to hear more about your bad boy tendencies? 200 00:09:28,630 --> 00:09:30,700 - These have to be a mistake. - I am a bad boy. 201 00:09:30,730 --> 00:09:32,700 Yeah. So you're gonna stick with the straight thing? 202 00:09:32,730 --> 00:09:35,040 - I don't know. We'll see. - It's working for you. 203 00:09:35,070 --> 00:09:37,040 - What'd they think about me? - Well, they thought you had cancer. 204 00:09:37,070 --> 00:09:38,770 Why? 205 00:09:38,810 --> 00:09:41,210 - Because you do look like you have cancer. - -Mmm. 206 00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:43,180 And they were confused about the volleyballs. 207 00:09:43,210 --> 00:09:44,480 I mean, they didn't know what that was. 208 00:09:44,510 --> 00:09:46,080 That's crazy. What else confused them? 209 00:09:46,110 --> 00:09:48,480 Goddamn everything! I mean, 210 00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:50,350 they were very confused about mine and Mac's living arrangement for some reason. 211 00:09:50,390 --> 00:09:53,360 Hey, uh, quick question. Who scored the lowest? 212 00:09:53,390 --> 00:09:54,390 Oh. 213 00:09:54,420 --> 00:09:56,230 Uh... 214 00:09:56,260 --> 00:09:57,760 - That's just completely unclear. - Can I see that? 215 00:09:57,790 --> 00:09:59,500 - Just for a second. - You know... No. 216 00:09:59,530 --> 00:10:01,730 You're not gonna get any information from it, Dee. 217 00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:04,230 - It was Dennis. - It was Dennis? 218 00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:06,300 Yeah, of course it was. Yeah. They thought he was bossy and he looked old. 219 00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:08,600 I mean, somebody has to be the boss, right? 220 00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:10,770 - Of dinner? - "Why was the old man so bossy? 221 00:10:10,810 --> 00:10:12,580 He looked haggard." 222 00:10:12,610 --> 00:10:13,640 No, no, no. You're... Now you're making stuff up. 223 00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:15,240 "His features were so sunken, 224 00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:16,750 it was hard to concentrate on the story." 225 00:10:16,780 --> 00:10:19,050 Old? Haggard? No, these are... 226 00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:21,120 No. That was a lighting thing. 227 00:10:21,150 --> 00:10:23,350 I gave you guys the best lighting because I knew I looked the best, 228 00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:25,650 and I wanted you guys to look good too. And I wanted them to... 229 00:10:25,690 --> 00:10:28,490 They... No. Old? Come on. That's completely insane. 230 00:10:30,230 --> 00:10:32,060 Get your shit together! 231 00:10:35,630 --> 00:10:38,170 Okay. Thank you all for coming. Uh... 232 00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:43,040 Most of you are new, and I think some of you may have been at the last show. 233 00:10:43,470 --> 00:10:47,440 I guess you wanted to see this again. That's... That's good, I suppose. 234 00:10:47,910 --> 00:10:50,110 Uh, well, for those of you who are new... 235 00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:51,210 Ooh. 236 00:10:51,250 --> 00:10:52,710 Great crowd out there. 237 00:10:53,350 --> 00:10:55,120 - What are you wearing? - Oh. 238 00:10:55,150 --> 00:10:57,220 I'm going for the bad guy in Commando look. 239 00:10:57,250 --> 00:10:58,750 You know, like, "Who's straighter than that?" 240 00:10:58,790 --> 00:11:00,490 Dude, you look like Freddie Mercury. 241 00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:02,730 Oh, cool. He's like the straightest man alive. 242 00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:05,090 He couldn't have been more gay. I mean, he was in a band called Queen. 243 00:11:05,130 --> 00:11:07,430 You know what? If you want to look straight, go grab the duster or something. 244 00:11:07,460 --> 00:11:10,100 - What's with the face tape? - This? Well, it's just, you know... 245 00:11:10,130 --> 00:11:12,170 It's a way to kind of tighten the skin up a little bit. 246 00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:14,600 Give me a more youthful appearance. You know what I mean? 247 00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:15,670 Okay. 248 00:11:16,100 --> 00:11:17,740 What is this? 249 00:11:17,770 --> 00:11:19,740 It's just a clean comedy look. It's classic. 250 00:11:21,540 --> 00:11:23,780 Can we not, okay? I mean, a rubber chicken? 251 00:11:23,810 --> 00:11:26,080 - Are you ser... - Yeah. Come on. 252 00:11:26,110 --> 00:11:28,220 - Is this tape coming off? Goddamn it. - You got tape on your face? 253 00:11:28,250 --> 00:11:29,720 - Yeah, and it's not sticking very well. - I think you need more. 254 00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:32,190 You think I need more of it? 255 00:11:32,220 --> 00:11:34,490 Well, yeah. You said you wanted to look youthful, yeah? 256 00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:37,460 Yeah. I don't want to look crazy. Maybe I'll just tighten it up a little bit. 257 00:11:37,490 --> 00:11:39,090 - Yeah. - A little bit. Yeah. 258 00:11:39,130 --> 00:11:40,630 - Yeah. Okay. All right. - Yeah. 259 00:11:40,660 --> 00:11:43,570 So, without further ado, let's begin. 260 00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:51,310 Oh. 261 00:11:57,350 --> 00:11:58,350 Stop. 262 00:12:03,350 --> 00:12:05,450 Oh! 263 00:12:05,490 --> 00:12:06,760 Uh-oh. 264 00:12:11,790 --> 00:12:16,500 Well. Here we are. Uh... I sure am excited to see Frank. 265 00:12:16,530 --> 00:12:18,630 Oh, gosh. I can't wait to meet the lucky lady. 266 00:12:18,670 --> 00:12:20,740 Yeah. Frank likes her, I'll like her. 267 00:12:20,770 --> 00:12:23,210 - Okay. - Yeah. I wonder where they are. 268 00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:26,380 Oh, well, our lovable old pal Charlie's on his way over with them right now. 269 00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:29,710 - Oh. - Look at that. 270 00:12:29,750 --> 00:12:33,120 Speak of the... Speak of the guy. 271 00:12:33,150 --> 00:12:34,220 Mm-hmm. 272 00:12:34,250 --> 00:12:35,350 Here they are. Oh, it's open. 273 00:12:35,850 --> 00:12:37,690 Hello, everybody. 274 00:12:39,790 --> 00:12:42,320 Say hello to Frank and Frank's date. 275 00:12:43,530 --> 00:12:44,590 Heya, gang. 276 00:12:45,290 --> 00:12:47,430 - I'm getting paid for this, right? - Yeah, yeah. 277 00:12:48,300 --> 00:12:50,770 Well, come on in. Hey, Charlie. How you doin', man? 278 00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:53,740 Not sure why you're doing that accent, you know? 279 00:12:53,770 --> 00:12:56,210 Pretty confusing, you know. I must not have heard you correctly, 280 00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:58,110 because you are from right here in Philadelphia. 281 00:12:58,140 --> 00:13:00,080 - No, that's not true actually. - It is. 282 00:13:00,110 --> 00:13:02,580 No, I'm from Eastern European territory. 283 00:13:02,610 --> 00:13:04,610 Uh... So, what's for dinner? 284 00:13:04,650 --> 00:13:06,450 Beet soup, I hope. 285 00:13:06,480 --> 00:13:08,220 - Stop it. - What are you doing? 286 00:13:08,250 --> 00:13:11,350 I'm just talking in my natural European way. 287 00:13:11,390 --> 00:13:13,620 I like it, because white people doing funny accents is not woke. 288 00:13:13,660 --> 00:13:14,760 I thought we were doing woke. 289 00:13:14,790 --> 00:13:16,090 Shut up! 290 00:13:18,290 --> 00:13:19,630 Sorry about that. 291 00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:23,530 So, Frank and Frank's date, I'm Dennis. 292 00:13:23,900 --> 00:13:29,240 Um... I live here with Mac in a totally age-appropriate and platonic relationship. 293 00:13:29,270 --> 00:13:32,440 But like you, Frank, I hope to meet my special someone someday. 294 00:13:32,470 --> 00:13:33,610 Meh. 295 00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:34,710 Yeah. 296 00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:39,350 - Where the hell did that come from? - Oh. 297 00:13:41,780 --> 00:13:45,050 Oh, okay. It was funny. It was funny. 298 00:13:45,090 --> 00:13:47,620 When I'm not palling around with Dennis platonically in the bedroom, 299 00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:51,060 I like to strap on my leathers and perform badass stunts. 300 00:13:51,090 --> 00:13:53,190 Would anyone like to see a backflip? 301 00:13:56,530 --> 00:13:59,240 Okay. Well, hey now, let's not encourage him. 302 00:13:59,270 --> 00:14:00,700 He can't actually do one. 303 00:14:00,740 --> 00:14:01,740 - He can't. - Right? No, he can't. 304 00:14:06,540 --> 00:14:10,610 So, guys, guess how much me and this broad banged boots? 305 00:14:10,650 --> 00:14:11,710 Tell 'em, honey. 306 00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:13,520 - What are you doing? - Do I have a line? 307 00:14:13,550 --> 00:14:15,120 - No. - I didn't get a script. 308 00:14:15,150 --> 00:14:17,190 No. Artemis, can you stick to the script? 309 00:14:17,220 --> 00:14:19,490 The script's a little thin, so I'm trying to just ad-lib. 310 00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:23,390 What are you doing? 311 00:14:23,430 --> 00:14:25,230 I'm doing a goddamn backflip. 312 00:14:25,260 --> 00:14:26,600 You can't stop me. 313 00:14:26,630 --> 00:14:29,060 Because the power of Christ compels me. 314 00:14:29,100 --> 00:14:30,730 - Badass. - Stop. 315 00:14:33,340 --> 00:14:34,400 Oh, no. Oh. 316 00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:41,480 Seventy-five. Am I reading that right? 317 00:14:41,510 --> 00:14:44,080 - Yeah. That's a big improvement. - Wow. We did great. 318 00:14:44,110 --> 00:14:47,120 It was a goddamn circus. What are you guys talking about? 319 00:14:47,150 --> 00:14:50,350 No... Charlie, why did you do an accent? 320 00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:52,820 Well, dude, I look weird. I don't feel like myself. 321 00:14:52,850 --> 00:14:55,160 So I figured I'd be someone different. 322 00:14:55,190 --> 00:14:57,430 Like that funny cousin in Perfect Strangers? Remember that guy? 323 00:14:57,460 --> 00:14:59,160 - Yes. - Yeah. No, I like you doing a character, 324 00:14:59,190 --> 00:15:00,830 but don't make it funny. I got the jokes covered. 325 00:15:00,860 --> 00:15:02,460 - Oh. Do you, Dee? - I'm the funny... 326 00:15:02,500 --> 00:15:04,200 Do you? Because this card says, 327 00:15:04,230 --> 00:15:07,470 "The one in the plaid suit seemed sad and desperate. 328 00:15:07,500 --> 00:15:09,810 And I was only laughing because I was so uncomfortable." 329 00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:11,610 Oh, yeah? You know what this one says? 330 00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:13,610 - What? - "What's with the angry man 331 00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:16,210 with the old face who's constantly yelling at his boyfriend?" 332 00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:18,510 I could not have made it more clear that he's not my boyfriend! 333 00:15:18,550 --> 00:15:20,680 - You kept saying it over and over. - Oh, my God. 334 00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:24,390 And how could I possibly look old? I mean, no. 335 00:15:24,420 --> 00:15:25,690 Who scored the highest? 336 00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:27,220 I think you did. 337 00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:28,660 Oh, yeah? Let me see. 338 00:15:29,630 --> 00:15:34,430 "I love when the vampire slayer busted out the crucifix on his old vampire lover." 339 00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:38,070 Me? "Old vampire lover"? 340 00:15:38,100 --> 00:15:41,340 Let's lean into that. Yeah, I can be like a vanilla Blade, 341 00:15:41,370 --> 00:15:43,410 and I could stab you in the heart with the crucifix and be... 342 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:45,470 - Stop! Goddamn it. - And then you kiss... 343 00:15:45,510 --> 00:15:46,740 For the love of God, stop. 344 00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:49,240 Okay, all right. You know what? 345 00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:52,350 You two will limit your exchanges 346 00:15:52,380 --> 00:15:55,350 to "hello," "yes" and "no." And that's it. 347 00:15:55,380 --> 00:15:59,220 And the rest of you will refrain from doing accents or personas of any kind. 348 00:15:59,250 --> 00:16:00,820 I will do all the costumes, hair and makeup. 349 00:16:00,860 --> 00:16:03,530 And there will be no other surprises at all. 350 00:16:03,560 --> 00:16:08,760 And so help me God, we will get this right! 351 00:16:10,770 --> 00:16:12,470 I mean, I get a vampire vibe off that, right? 352 00:16:12,500 --> 00:16:14,100 - Do you not? - We're gonna get slashed. 353 00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:16,070 Yeah, like a Count Dracula thing. 354 00:16:17,770 --> 00:16:19,410 Okay. Thank you all for coming. 355 00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:23,080 I see mostly familiar faces, so welcome back. 356 00:16:23,780 --> 00:16:25,080 That crowd is amped. 357 00:16:25,110 --> 00:16:26,520 - Yeah, well... - Oh, yeah? 358 00:16:26,550 --> 00:16:29,120 Too bad Dennis cut everything they liked. 359 00:16:29,150 --> 00:16:32,350 Come on, Dee. No, trust me. Trust me. Guys, this is exactly what America wants. 360 00:16:32,390 --> 00:16:34,620 Didn't it start, like, here, and then go up and over? Like it would... 361 00:16:34,660 --> 00:16:36,160 No, no. I mean, you're not a werewolf. 362 00:16:36,190 --> 00:16:37,630 I'm thinking of Teen Wolf, aren't I? 363 00:16:37,660 --> 00:16:39,800 - I think so. Yeah. - I'm just blown away, man. 364 00:16:39,830 --> 00:16:42,460 I just, like, don't know how you got the wig that good, you know? 365 00:16:42,500 --> 00:16:44,500 Like, do you wear a wig? This is crazy, dude. 366 00:16:45,130 --> 00:16:48,200 Do I wear a wig? No. Nonsense. 367 00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:50,340 - For real, though. Do you? - Stop! 368 00:16:50,370 --> 00:16:53,480 Dude. All right, fine, man. I'm just thinking, it's so good, man. 369 00:16:53,510 --> 00:16:55,380 - Just... - All right, the show's gonna start. 370 00:16:55,410 --> 00:16:57,410 Do you have time to do yourself, and then we'll get going? 371 00:16:57,450 --> 00:16:59,520 What do you mean? I did do me. 372 00:16:59,550 --> 00:17:02,080 - Oh, you're all done? - Yeah, I put the... Do I need more tape? 373 00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:03,320 Uh... Well... 374 00:17:07,260 --> 00:17:08,620 Oh. 375 00:17:08,660 --> 00:17:10,530 - We should bow. We should bow. - Absolutely. 376 00:17:10,890 --> 00:17:13,230 - No, don't bow. Don't bow. - But they're clapping so much. 377 00:17:13,260 --> 00:17:15,730 I know. Don't, like... Don't even notice that they're there. 378 00:17:24,370 --> 00:17:25,710 - You take my chicken? - Mm-hmm. 379 00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:30,610 Mac. I bet you have a boom box under that table, don't you? 380 00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:32,510 - Nope. - Yeah, you do. Let me see it. 381 00:17:32,550 --> 00:17:34,220 - I don't have one. - Let me see it. 382 00:17:34,580 --> 00:17:36,350 - You better do it, dude. - Just do it. 383 00:17:36,390 --> 00:17:40,090 I was... I was gonna play a cool song. 384 00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:43,160 - Let's see what you were gonna play. - It was fun and cool. 385 00:17:43,190 --> 00:17:45,160 - Kid Rock. How fun. - Bawitdaba... 386 00:17:45,190 --> 00:17:47,060 But we're not doing that. This is gonna be a classy evening, 387 00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:49,200 so I came prepared with something a little different. 388 00:17:51,230 --> 00:17:52,230 Oh. 389 00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:56,340 There we go. Isn't that nice? 390 00:17:56,370 --> 00:17:58,340 - I guess. - Yeah. 391 00:17:58,370 --> 00:18:02,380 Well, here we are. I'm so excited to see Frank. 392 00:18:03,250 --> 00:18:06,280 Yeah. Uh... I can't wait to meet the lucky lady. 393 00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:07,820 Mmm. 394 00:18:07,850 --> 00:18:09,620 - If Frank likes her, I'll like her. - Yeah. 395 00:18:09,650 --> 00:18:10,750 So where are they? 396 00:18:12,820 --> 00:18:16,190 Oh. Here they are. Speak of... It's open. 397 00:18:19,660 --> 00:18:21,660 Well, hello. Hey, guys. 398 00:18:21,700 --> 00:18:23,200 Welcome. Come on in. 399 00:18:23,230 --> 00:18:25,070 Yeah, close the door. Yeah. Good. 400 00:18:25,100 --> 00:18:26,640 - Like we rehearsed. - Hello. 401 00:18:26,670 --> 00:18:27,740 Hello. 402 00:18:27,770 --> 00:18:30,710 Wonderful. Well, I'm Dennis. 403 00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:34,610 And, uh, this is my apartment. I live here with my friend, Mac. 404 00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:38,210 My longtime friend. But not eternal, you know. 405 00:18:38,250 --> 00:18:42,520 'Cause we're not vampires. Obviously. 406 00:18:42,550 --> 00:18:45,050 That... That'd be crazy. Um... 407 00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:49,760 But, yeah. Soon to have our own places. 408 00:18:49,790 --> 00:18:53,700 Uh, but not because we're poor. Uh, but because we're economically savvy. 409 00:18:53,730 --> 00:18:56,360 And... But still quite young. 410 00:18:59,500 --> 00:19:00,600 Oh, Dee, you-you were saying? 411 00:19:03,370 --> 00:19:06,480 Hi, I'm Dee. Frank was a great father. 412 00:19:06,510 --> 00:19:07,510 No. 413 00:19:10,250 --> 00:19:12,350 You got a great sense of humor, Frank. No. 414 00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:15,120 Hey, Charlie. You had a... 415 00:19:15,150 --> 00:19:17,090 Oh. Uh... 416 00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:19,120 Shoot, do I have a line? 417 00:19:19,150 --> 00:19:22,420 No, you were just gonna say something off the cuff, I think. 418 00:19:22,460 --> 00:19:25,360 Uh, I don't remember what it... I'll make something up. Um... 419 00:19:25,390 --> 00:19:27,600 Hey, Frank's date. Where are you from? 420 00:19:27,630 --> 00:19:29,060 Uh... 421 00:19:29,100 --> 00:19:30,470 Hello, hello. 422 00:19:30,970 --> 00:19:34,470 - Yes. Hello, hi. Hi, hello. Yeah, hi! - Hello. 423 00:19:34,500 --> 00:19:36,140 - Hi! - Hi! Hello! 424 00:19:36,170 --> 00:19:37,470 What is this? 425 00:19:38,110 --> 00:19:39,640 It's, uh... 426 00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:41,610 Well, you don't talk. I mean, what are you doing, man? 427 00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:43,780 The audience never talks to the cast of the show. 428 00:19:43,810 --> 00:19:46,680 Perhaps a flip to lighten the mood? 429 00:19:46,720 --> 00:19:48,320 - Yeah. - Yes. 430 00:19:48,750 --> 00:19:51,750 No, no, no, no, no. You're not gonna do a flip. 431 00:19:51,790 --> 00:19:55,120 Because it doesn't make sense to do a flip in the middle of a dinner for no reason. 432 00:19:55,160 --> 00:19:57,260 - Let your boyfriend flip. - Yeah! 433 00:19:57,630 --> 00:20:00,100 - He's not my boyfriend! - I'm with this guy. Let him flip. 434 00:20:00,130 --> 00:20:01,660 What are you doing? 435 00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:03,770 - Stop it. - And add one flip. You know what I mean? 436 00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:05,600 - Let him do just one flip. - All right, I'll do one. A quick accent. 437 00:20:05,630 --> 00:20:07,740 No, you're not listening! You don't understand! 438 00:20:16,580 --> 00:20:18,050 You're not getting this. 439 00:20:20,180 --> 00:20:21,220 We are not lovers. 440 00:20:23,190 --> 00:20:25,150 We're simply roommates, you see. 441 00:20:25,190 --> 00:20:28,320 It's not so difficult to understand. Not so difficult at all. 442 00:20:29,090 --> 00:20:35,060 Two men entwined only by the walls that house us and the passage of time. 443 00:20:35,100 --> 00:20:37,070 That is all. Nothing more. 444 00:20:38,630 --> 00:20:43,140 We are all classy men and women alike. 445 00:20:43,170 --> 00:20:46,280 But none more classy than me. Refined and dignified 446 00:20:46,310 --> 00:20:48,640 and not the least bit abnormal in any way. 447 00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:51,380 I need you to see this. 448 00:20:52,780 --> 00:20:54,620 Yes? 449 00:20:54,650 --> 00:20:58,520 All is well and palatable and good. 450 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:02,760 You must know this 451 00:21:02,790 --> 00:21:05,530 and you must reflect it as such on the cards that you've been given. 452 00:21:06,360 --> 00:21:09,460 Do you understand? I need this of you. 453 00:21:11,770 --> 00:21:13,440 You must make it so. 454 00:21:17,410 --> 00:21:19,170 There was another show... 455 00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:23,210 by the name of Family Fight 456 00:21:23,250 --> 00:21:26,480 and I was not properly represented on that show 457 00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:32,490 and I cannot and will... not abide another failure of that magnitude. 458 00:21:39,800 --> 00:21:46,600 I just need you to see me as... I am. 459 00:21:49,500 --> 00:21:53,310 I need this. I need this from you. 460 00:21:54,410 --> 00:21:56,040 I... 461 00:21:59,250 --> 00:22:04,450 I need this from you. Please. 462 00:22:05,520 --> 00:22:06,690 This is amazing. 463 00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:08,520 What the fuck's he doing? 464 00:22:11,590 --> 00:22:15,330 So that's why you've been so crazed? Because you panicked on Family Fight? 465 00:22:15,360 --> 00:22:18,100 Yes, dude. You don't understand the humiliation. 466 00:22:18,130 --> 00:22:19,600 I hope for your sake you never do. 467 00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:21,200 Dee, how'd we score this time? 468 00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:22,640 - Oh. - Uh... 469 00:22:22,670 --> 00:22:25,110 - Three. - Three what? 470 00:22:25,140 --> 00:22:26,540 The number three out of a hundred. 471 00:22:26,580 --> 00:22:28,280 - That's it? - Yeah, they hated it. 472 00:22:28,310 --> 00:22:30,250 Dennis scared the shit out of 'em. 473 00:22:30,280 --> 00:22:33,280 Well, look, man, forget it. Like, can we just be us, okay? 474 00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:36,090 We're trying to please everybody and, like, that never works, man. 475 00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:38,220 Like people need to get ya or they don't get ya. 476 00:22:38,250 --> 00:22:39,620 - You know what I'm saying? - Yes. 477 00:22:39,990 --> 00:22:42,360 All right. Yeah. 478 00:22:42,390 --> 00:22:44,190 Does anybody else think it's weird that they haven't showed up yet? 479 00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:46,190 - That who hasn't showed up? - Yeah. 480 00:22:47,500 --> 00:22:49,370 Frank, the producers. The entire TV show. 481 00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:52,070 I mean, we've been doing this whole thing for a while now. 482 00:22:52,100 --> 00:22:54,670 Oh, shit. Yeah, they should've been here by now. What's it been, like, a week? 483 00:22:54,700 --> 00:22:56,340 It's been a month. 484 00:22:56,710 --> 00:22:58,770 - We've been doing this for a month? - Yeah, it's been a month. 485 00:22:58,810 --> 00:23:01,480 - I think it's been a solid month. - Look up the show. Look it up. 486 00:23:01,510 --> 00:23:03,450 I'm gonna look it up. Give me a sec. 487 00:23:06,110 --> 00:23:08,080 That episode aired two weeks ago. 488 00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:09,520 - That's the hometown visit? - Yes. 489 00:23:09,550 --> 00:23:12,090 What the... 490 00:23:12,120 --> 00:23:13,690 This is a big day for me! I can't wait to see my... 491 00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:18,290 Oh! There's my family. Ah! It's so, so nice to see you. 492 00:23:18,330 --> 00:23:20,560 - Dad. - It's so good to see you. 493 00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:22,200 - Guys. - What the... 494 00:23:22,230 --> 00:23:24,400 - Who the hell are these people? - He replaced us. 495 00:23:24,430 --> 00:23:26,640 - He replaced us? - -It is so good to see you. 496 00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:31,070 They would never do anything to embarrass me in any way. 497 00:23:31,110 --> 00:23:32,440 - Dude. - Yeah. 498 00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:35,580 I guess he went woke. And he didn't go broke.