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It seems like...
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It seems like
over the past couple of years,
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we've developed this amazing ability
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to get mad at anyone for any reason.
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Like, I saw otters in real life,
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which was very exciting for me.
I love otters, big fan.
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So, I post about it on Instagram,
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'cause that's how you prove
that life happens.
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And then this woman responds to me.
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She was like, "You know,
I used to love otters too..."
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"...but then my husband told me
that otters rape baby seals.
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I just thought you should know.
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Be better."
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Okay.
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Uh, couple things.
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What's going on with your marriage?
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How is that
where you're at conversationally?
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He wanted to ruin otters for you.
He had to look up that fact.
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It's true, by the way.
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But he had to look that up.
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That's not something they're just
giving away on Planet Earth.
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He had to do a deep dive.
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Much like that otter did into the seal.
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No, don't you start groaning already!
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But, also, she told me this
'cause she thought she knew me.
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She's like, "I'm a fan of yours,
and you're a comedian,
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which must mean you're a good person."
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"So I know once you hear this fact
about otters, you will change your tune.
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You'll be on the right side of history.
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You definitely won't use this in a bit."
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"Otters rape baby seals.
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I thought you should know."
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You don't know me!
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Maybe that's why I like otters.
35
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Maybe I think seals have been getting away
with too much for too long.
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Also, whatever you do,
you gotta stop saying "rape."
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These are animals.
38
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No animals are asking for consent.
39
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What kind of weird, fairy tale animal sex
happens in your head?
40
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How do you think
your Labradoodle was made?
41
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Aww!
42
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Did you think a Lab
just fell in love with a poodle?
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That they saw each other
from across a field
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and thought,
"Let's make hypoallergenic puppies"?
45
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Some breeder was like,
46
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"A happy accident, love wins."
47
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There are two ways
you're getting a Labradoodle.
48
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Either some dog breeder jerked off a Lab,
and then shoved that jizz into a poodle,
49
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or it was puppy rape.
50
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You can choose whichever one
makes you feel better about life,
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but it was definitely one of those two.
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This wasn't Lady and the Tramp,
this was two dogs, one cup.
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And for the otters,
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if you want to say rape, all right,
how do you know?
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Did you talk to the seal?
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Did you get a statement?
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For all you know, the seal could have been
up on a rock and been like,
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"Hey, otter, want to make a new animal?"
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And, yeah, an otter-seal hybrid?
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The cutest animal in the world?
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I will hold the seal down.
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And you only care 'cause seals are cute.
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If I was up here being like,
"Otters rape rats,"
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you'd be like, "Good, 'bout time."
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You don't have to have a stance
on everything.
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You can just like some things. It's okay.
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You can find bad information
about everything out there.
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You can look it up on your phone
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that was made by a child.
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And you can find bad information
about every single thing out there,
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but you'll make yourself miserable.
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You're too woke,
go back to sleep a little.
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It's not like I was posting pictures
of Kim Jong-un,
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being like, "He seems like a fun guy."
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Which, if you only look at pictures
of Kim Jong-un,
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he does seem like a fun guy.
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We can't wait to hate people.
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We can't wait to have them canceled,
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and because of that, we get mad
before we get logical.
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Like, me liking otters could have
very easily turned into,
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"Michelle Wolf loves rape."
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And, sure, I have a fantasy,
but I don't love that I have it.
83
00:06:03,071 --> 00:06:05,948
Social media has made
every opinion valuable,
84
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especially if it causes a controversy.
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Like, right now it's tweets and Instagram,
86
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but before that it was blogs,
and before that it was manifestos.
87
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I personally love manifestos
88
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because you know when someone
writes one of them,
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they're fucking crazy.
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And that's all your tweets are.
Your tweets are just teeny manifestos.
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And you know what blogs are, right?
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Blogs are a conversation
no one wanted to have with you.
93
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Even when you were typing it,
94
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your computer was like,
"I hope I die, I hate this."
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We have such strong opinions,
and we can't just let them be opinions,
96
00:06:49,534 --> 00:06:51,411
we have to fight over
who's right and wrong.
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I'm fighting with my friends.
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Like, I have a friend,
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00:06:54,789 --> 00:06:58,251
she's really worried about immigrants
coming in and taking our jobs,
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and I'm like,
"Well, you're a stay-at-home mom."
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Ball's sort of in your court on that one.
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I'm much more worried
about Americans taking immigrant jobs.
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I got a massage
from a Midwestern white lady.
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Felt like a cat was walking
on my back for an hour.
105
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And not like an angry or a hungry cat,
just a happy cat.
106
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Trying to find a place to sleep.
107
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Then, a couple weeks later,
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I got a massage from a Korean man,
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and he pressed into my back
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with the pressure that he had left
his whole family behind.
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That's a great massage!
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You need a massage from someone
who's been through something.
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You can't get a massage from a woman
named Meredith,
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where the worst thing that ever happened
to her is the one time she got bangs.
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Plus, you don't want a massage
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from someone who wants
to give you a massage.
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You want a massage from someone
who has to give you a massage.
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These are two very different people.
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Someone who wants--
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Someone who wants to touch
your naked back for an hour?
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That's a serial killer.
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Someone who has to give you a massage?
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Someone who's like,
"This fucking piece of shit...
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comes in here and says her neck
is sore from sleeping wrong?
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I work 70 hours a day.
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I live three states away
and I bike to work,
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and this piece of shit..."
128
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And the whole time you're thinking,
"This is a great massage."
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Such strong opinions.
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This same friend,
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she's one of those people--
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She doesn't understand
why some people can't afford health care.
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Uh, she's really rich
and she's not a good person.
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It is though, it's really hard for a lot
of people to afford health care.
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It's particularly hard for women
to get maternity care.
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And I do think part of the problem
is that women,
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we're still too cute about
all the stuff that happens to our bodies.
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We gotta stop being cute.
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Like, when we have a baby,
we say it's a miracle.
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Stop it.
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These men hear "miracle,"
and they're like,
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"Yeah, so why do you need health care?
It's a miracle."
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First of all,
having a baby is not a miracle.
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A miracle is going to bed with one foot
and then waking up with two feet.
145
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"Oh, it's a miracle.
146
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I gotta go shoe shopping.
147
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Get some of those lefts."
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00:10:18,534 --> 00:10:20,369
Having a baby is not a miracle,
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it's a natural disaster.
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And we need to describe it like one
so we get the health care that we deserve.
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Like, when Florida gets hit
with a hurricane,
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they send help
because they show you how bad it is.
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They're not like, "And then Florida
was kissed with wind by God."
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No, they send reporters,
they show pictures, they get testimonials.
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That's what we have to do after birth.
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Get a reporter in there,
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put 'em in one of those weird raincoats.
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Like, "I'm here in Martha's vagina,
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and things are bleak.
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Roads and bridges are out.
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Man cannot survive.
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Debris is everywhere.
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I have Martha's husband here,
let's see what he has to say."
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"I mean, you try to prepare, and, uh..."
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"Well, it's just... my home is gone."
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Gotta stop being cute!
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Same thing with periods,
too cute about those.
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"Periods," that's not even
the right name for it.
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All the names for periods suck.
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"Period," "time of the month," "Aunt Flo."
They all suck.
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You know what we should call a period?
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A period should be called:
"bloody tissue falling out of a hole."
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If you went into work...
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and you were like, "Hey, I got
bloody tissue falling out of a hole,"
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they'd be like, "Yeah, take the week."
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I know, I talk about periods a lot,
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and I know, men, I know they're gross.
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Women know they're gross.
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We-- We get it.
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There's never a time
we wake up and we're like,
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"Oh, I'm so excited
to clean up a crime scene."
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It does make you wonder, though.
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Are there more women who murder?
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We've just been so good
at getting out blood.
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A skill we learned at age 11.
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Like, "No one must know."
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Yeah, I clean out my vagina once a month,
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I think I can clean up
a body twice a year.
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Periods are gross.
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I know they're gross,
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00:13:24,595 --> 00:13:28,182
but I talk about them a lot
because I want men to be more comfortable.
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00:13:28,516 --> 00:13:31,352
But then, I was thinking how women,
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how we would act if men
were the ones who got periods.
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And you know what?
I don't think we would be very nice.
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I think as soon as a man got his period,
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we'd be like, "Get in the shed, Kevin.
Kevin, get in the shed.
197
00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:48,786
No, you're very leaky.
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00:13:49,703 --> 00:13:51,997
And when you're in the house,
you're only on the linoleum.
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Don't you-- Don't you dare
go in my living room.
200
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That is a new slip cover
and you're very leaky.
201
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You're just like your father."
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00:14:05,261 --> 00:14:06,428
Of course, women,
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I also think we'd have to participate
a lot more in male periods.
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00:14:10,140 --> 00:14:10,975
You know?
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00:14:11,058 --> 00:14:12,101
But you know, women,
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00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:15,187
we would have to be the ones
to remind men to change their tampons.
207
00:14:15,271 --> 00:14:16,230
You know we would.
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00:14:18,649 --> 00:14:20,818
We'd have to be like,
"When was the last time...
209
00:14:23,445 --> 00:14:24,655
you changed your tampon?
210
00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:26,949
Babe? Babe?"
211
00:14:29,994 --> 00:14:31,453
"Oh, it was, um...
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00:14:31,912 --> 00:14:33,247
Oh... oh...
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00:14:33,330 --> 00:14:34,331
three years ago.
214
00:14:35,749 --> 00:14:38,961
But I took it out, I flipped it around,
and I put it back in, so..."
215
00:14:42,214 --> 00:14:44,049
"Oh, no, little buddy."
216
00:14:45,384 --> 00:14:48,220
I think that's probably
what male tampons would be called:
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00:14:48,304 --> 00:14:49,597
"little buddies."
218
00:14:51,682 --> 00:14:54,685
And I do think they'd be more fun.
I think men would have more fun with this.
219
00:14:54,768 --> 00:14:57,938
Like, all the strings would have
little superheroes on the ends.
220
00:14:59,273 --> 00:15:02,192
One would just have, like,
Spider-Man shooting up a web.
221
00:15:05,446 --> 00:15:06,739
Another one's got Batman.
222
00:15:06,822 --> 00:15:08,532
It's like, "When Batman's face turns red,
223
00:15:08,616 --> 00:15:09,950
get him out of the cave."
224
00:15:13,537 --> 00:15:15,205
I probably just upset some men.
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00:15:15,289 --> 00:15:18,125
They were like, "I was on board
with this whole male period thing,
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00:15:18,208 --> 00:15:20,419
until you combined DC and Marvel.
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00:15:25,215 --> 00:15:26,926
How are they supposed
to be in the same box
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00:15:27,009 --> 00:15:29,053
when they're not even
in the same universe?"
229
00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:34,475
But the more I think
about men having periods,
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00:15:34,558 --> 00:15:36,936
the more it feels
like it fits society better.
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00:15:37,394 --> 00:15:40,147
Like, you know how women,
how, like, when we get our period,
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00:15:40,230 --> 00:15:41,899
we get, like, a little bit emotional?
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00:15:41,982 --> 00:15:44,026
Just a little.
You probably don't even notice.
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00:15:45,986 --> 00:15:49,281
And if you dare say anything about it,
we get really angry.
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00:15:49,907 --> 00:15:52,534
You know, you'll be like, "Is it--"
You're hiding behind a couch.
236
00:15:55,621 --> 00:15:57,581
"Is this-- is this 'cause of your period?"
237
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And we'll be, like, "No!
238
00:16:01,752 --> 00:16:03,921
I mean, a little, but no.
239
00:16:04,546 --> 00:16:08,968
These feelings are... justified!"
240
00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:16,058
I think that time would be very different
if men got periods.
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00:16:16,141 --> 00:16:17,685
I think we'd really look forward to it.
242
00:16:18,435 --> 00:16:20,646
We'd be like,
"Are you about to get emotional?
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00:16:21,730 --> 00:16:23,023
Yeah, let's do this.
244
00:16:24,024 --> 00:16:26,652
Uh, where'd we leave off?
Your dad, kindergarten, go."
245
00:16:31,198 --> 00:16:33,575
We'd cancel plans all the time.
We'd be like, "I'm so sorry,
246
00:16:33,659 --> 00:16:36,036
I can't go to book club,
my husband's about to get his period,
247
00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:37,621
and we're gonna cry together."
248
00:16:43,335 --> 00:16:46,547
And, like, when we first get our periods,
a lot of us are in school,
249
00:16:46,630 --> 00:16:48,090
and we're really quiet about it.
250
00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:49,925
You know, we'll whisper, we'll be like...
251
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:54,304
"Hey, does anyone have, like,
a tampon, or, um, a sock, or...
252
00:16:55,931 --> 00:16:57,891
or, like, a really big Band-Aid?"
253
00:17:00,477 --> 00:17:03,772
Like, even when you get home,
your mom will come talk to you about it,
254
00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:05,399
but she's still quiet.
255
00:17:05,482 --> 00:17:07,693
You know, she's like...
"So you got your period?
256
00:17:08,277 --> 00:17:09,737
Do you have any questions?"
257
00:17:11,572 --> 00:17:13,991
"Yeah, do we still have to whisper here?"
258
00:17:17,202 --> 00:17:18,871
"Yeah, the cat's in the house."
259
00:17:25,961 --> 00:17:29,673
I think, uh, men would be quite loud
about their periods.
260
00:17:30,340 --> 00:17:33,343
I think, first of all,
regardless if it were true or not,
261
00:17:33,427 --> 00:17:36,555
every man would want you to know
that he has a very heavy flow.
262
00:17:39,141 --> 00:17:41,852
"I have a heavy flow and an important job!
263
00:17:43,103 --> 00:17:47,107
You can ask anyone in college.
They called me The Flowmeister."
264
00:17:52,112 --> 00:17:53,030
I think dads--
265
00:17:53,113 --> 00:17:56,325
Dads would be so excited
when their son got his period.
266
00:17:56,950 --> 00:18:00,621
You know, he'd be like,
"My boy is a man. Come out here, son."
267
00:18:01,205 --> 00:18:02,539
The son comes out of the bathroom,
268
00:18:02,623 --> 00:18:05,793
there's blood on his legs,
he's like... "Yeah!"
269
00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:08,587
Takes it, wipes it under his eyes.
270
00:18:09,505 --> 00:18:11,507
"Rambo: First Blood!"
271
00:18:19,348 --> 00:18:20,599
The dad's like,
272
00:18:20,682 --> 00:18:23,060
"Son, I don't want to get
too emotional about this
273
00:18:23,143 --> 00:18:24,937
because we both do have our periods...
274
00:18:28,816 --> 00:18:30,818
I've already synced up with my boy."
275
00:18:37,908 --> 00:18:39,743
"I don't want to get too emotional
about this,
276
00:18:39,827 --> 00:18:41,286
but I did want to give you something.
277
00:18:41,370 --> 00:18:43,539
It's a Captain America tampon."
278
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:46,458
It was my father's.
279
00:18:48,335 --> 00:18:50,170
Just remember to flip it around
before you..."
280
00:18:52,172 --> 00:18:55,551
Gross, gross, disgusting.
281
00:18:57,886 --> 00:18:59,888
I was thinking about it.
Like, could you even--
282
00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:02,724
Could you even put a tampon back in
after you took it out?
283
00:19:03,308 --> 00:19:04,852
You know, it'd be, like, all squishy.
284
00:19:05,894 --> 00:19:07,396
Ugh. Gross, I know.
285
00:19:09,106 --> 00:19:12,109
I think we'd be able to figure it out,
though, you know?
286
00:19:12,192 --> 00:19:14,444
We seem to be able to do it
with your semi-hard penises.
287
00:19:22,411 --> 00:19:24,913
Yeah, we didn't have to go there,
but here we are.
288
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:29,543
Just really turned down that street
and now we live here.
289
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:37,426
It's gross.
The stuff that happens to women is gross.
290
00:19:37,509 --> 00:19:38,886
Periods, gross.
291
00:19:38,969 --> 00:19:39,803
Birth?
292
00:19:39,887 --> 00:19:42,514
That's-- That's one of the reasons
I'm not sure I want to have kids.
293
00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:44,016
Birth seems terrible.
294
00:19:44,349 --> 00:19:46,768
And I don't care how many times
you try to trick me
295
00:19:46,852 --> 00:19:50,230
with those adorable pictures
of your new baby up against your chest.
296
00:19:50,898 --> 00:19:53,692
I know underneath that sheet
is a car accident.
297
00:19:55,569 --> 00:19:58,947
Like, if an insurance guy came by,
he'd be like, "No, it's totaled."
298
00:20:02,451 --> 00:20:04,286
"The best we can do here is a rental."
299
00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:07,539
All of a sudden, the husband perks up.
300
00:20:07,623 --> 00:20:09,917
He's like, "Well, what kind of rental
are we talking about?
301
00:20:11,418 --> 00:20:12,878
Like, a mid-sized Japanese?"
302
00:20:22,429 --> 00:20:24,097
Birth is gross, but it's crazy,
303
00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:26,475
'cause, like,
humans are the only animals
304
00:20:26,558 --> 00:20:28,727
that seem to have
that much trouble giving birth.
305
00:20:28,810 --> 00:20:31,355
You ever watch other animals give birth?
306
00:20:31,438 --> 00:20:32,606
You can find it online.
307
00:20:34,316 --> 00:20:35,275
It's not porn.
308
00:20:36,568 --> 00:20:37,819
Unless you want it to be.
309
00:20:40,781 --> 00:20:42,491
Anything's porn if you masturbate to it.
310
00:20:44,534 --> 00:20:46,411
Just take that one home with you.
311
00:20:50,666 --> 00:20:53,919
I would give birth-- I would give birth
if we could give birth like giraffes.
312
00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:55,796
First of all, there's a lady giraffe,
313
00:20:55,879 --> 00:20:57,714
she doesn't even look pregnant,
she looks great.
314
00:20:59,633 --> 00:21:03,262
She has, like, a summer body.
Spots are in, she looks amazing.
315
00:21:04,429 --> 00:21:08,600
And then, all of a sudden, out of what
I can only assume is her gaping vagina,
316
00:21:10,519 --> 00:21:14,231
a baby giraffe just falls
six feet to the ground.
317
00:21:15,649 --> 00:21:18,485
The bitch doesn't even bend her knees!
318
00:21:20,404 --> 00:21:23,657
She's just like,
"Life's hard, learn it now!"
319
00:21:26,535 --> 00:21:29,746
There's a crumpled,
gooey giraffe at her feet.
320
00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:32,499
She doesn't make a face,
she doesn't make a sound,
321
00:21:32,582 --> 00:21:35,502
she just walks away, and she's like,
"Are you coming? We're late."
322
00:21:39,381 --> 00:21:41,675
"Fix your wobbly legs
or you're gonna die."
323
00:21:47,806 --> 00:21:48,932
Seems like a good mom.
324
00:21:50,767 --> 00:21:53,020
I don't know--
I don't know if I want to have a baby,
325
00:21:53,103 --> 00:21:55,397
because I don't think I'd be
that responsible.
326
00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:57,065
Like, I would want to breastfeed,
327
00:21:57,149 --> 00:21:59,860
but only because I want to use breast milk
328
00:21:59,943 --> 00:22:02,487
the way a clown uses a flower
with water in it.
329
00:22:04,239 --> 00:22:06,533
Like, always going up to people,
like, "Hey, how are you?
330
00:22:06,616 --> 00:22:07,868
Pew, pew!"
331
00:22:09,411 --> 00:22:12,080
I'd try to get a job
as a tollbooth operator.
332
00:22:13,081 --> 00:22:16,376
Like, "Sorry, E-ZPass is down,
but keep the change."
333
00:22:21,256 --> 00:22:22,799
I don't know if I should have a baby
334
00:22:22,883 --> 00:22:25,093
because I don't think childhood
should be fun.
335
00:22:25,927 --> 00:22:27,846
I think childhood should be miserable
336
00:22:28,138 --> 00:22:30,474
so the rest of your life
feels pretty okay.
337
00:22:31,641 --> 00:22:32,809
Like, think about it.
338
00:22:32,893 --> 00:22:33,894
We were all kids.
339
00:22:33,977 --> 00:22:36,730
We were kids and we believed in magic.
340
00:22:36,938 --> 00:22:39,316
And then a bunch of shit happened,
and now we're like,
341
00:22:39,399 --> 00:22:40,650
"When can we drink?"
342
00:22:44,279 --> 00:22:45,989
It, like, makes me jealous of those kids
343
00:22:46,073 --> 00:22:48,283
that are born in a basement
to a kidnapped mom,
344
00:22:50,077 --> 00:22:51,578
because...
345
00:22:53,413 --> 00:22:55,791
I'm gonna justify,
you guys gotta trust me.
346
00:22:57,876 --> 00:23:01,004
...because there's no way the second half
of that kid's life isn't better.
347
00:23:01,963 --> 00:23:05,300
He escapes, he's like,
"Yeah, I'm an accountant, I have a window.
348
00:23:05,384 --> 00:23:06,301
This is amazing."
349
00:23:09,096 --> 00:23:10,764
"I know what day it is.
350
00:23:11,848 --> 00:23:15,060
And, like, of the week, not 8,942."
351
00:23:20,941 --> 00:23:21,817
By the way,
352
00:23:21,900 --> 00:23:24,569
do you think those guys that have
those basement prison families...
353
00:23:26,238 --> 00:23:27,781
What? I think about 'em a lot.
354
00:23:29,533 --> 00:23:31,410
I think-- I think I'm like most women.
355
00:23:31,493 --> 00:23:33,995
I think about what I would do
if I ever got kidnapped.
356
00:23:34,079 --> 00:23:36,081
But this is how competitive I am.
357
00:23:37,416 --> 00:23:38,917
I don't think about how I would escape,
358
00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:41,211
I think about
how I become the upstairs lady.
359
00:23:43,964 --> 00:23:47,175
Like, I try to tell jokes,
I always put the lotion in the basket.
360
00:23:49,010 --> 00:23:50,929
And then one day he's like, "Claire!"
361
00:23:51,012 --> 00:23:53,223
That's not my name,
it's the name he gave me.
362
00:23:55,267 --> 00:23:58,854
"Claire, to the living room."
And I'm like... "Yeah!"
363
00:23:59,312 --> 00:24:01,606
I high-five all the other women
on the way up.
364
00:24:02,315 --> 00:24:04,860
You know, but they're in cages,
so I only get their fingertips.
365
00:24:07,279 --> 00:24:09,072
They think I'm gonna save them,
but I'm loyal.
366
00:24:13,869 --> 00:24:15,370
Anyway, I've thought about it...
367
00:24:17,164 --> 00:24:17,998
a tiny bit.
368
00:24:19,499 --> 00:24:21,835
But those guys that have
those basement prison families,
369
00:24:21,918 --> 00:24:24,588
do you think they build
the basement prison first?
370
00:24:25,088 --> 00:24:27,883
Like, do you think they're part of
the "if you build it" community?
371
00:24:29,426 --> 00:24:31,928
Or do you think they kidnap a lady,
372
00:24:32,012 --> 00:24:34,222
and then they're like,
"I am so sorry, I'm not prepared"?
373
00:24:35,849 --> 00:24:37,726
"Honestly, I can't believe you got
in the van.
374
00:24:37,809 --> 00:24:39,478
That was crazy, I wouldn't have done that.
375
00:24:41,521 --> 00:24:43,523
I'm gonna have to run to Home Depot.
376
00:24:44,316 --> 00:24:45,317
Don't go anywhere.
377
00:24:46,318 --> 00:24:49,029
Just kidding, you can't,
you're chained to a radiator."
378
00:24:51,656 --> 00:24:52,699
Yeah, that...
379
00:24:54,576 --> 00:24:56,077
That joke got dark.
380
00:24:57,829 --> 00:24:59,706
I think the whole point of that joke is,
381
00:24:59,789 --> 00:25:01,958
check your neighbor's basement.
382
00:25:02,542 --> 00:25:03,752
Once a year,
383
00:25:03,835 --> 00:25:05,170
randomly,
384
00:25:05,253 --> 00:25:07,255
especially if he's a nice guy.
385
00:25:08,131 --> 00:25:10,050
'Cause we all watch
those murder documentaries.
386
00:25:10,133 --> 00:25:12,302
We all watch them, right before bed,
for some reason.
387
00:25:13,470 --> 00:25:14,763
And they interview the neighbors,
388
00:25:14,846 --> 00:25:17,182
and the neighbors
always say the same thing.
389
00:25:17,265 --> 00:25:20,101
The neighbors are always like,
"Well, you know, I just can't believe it.
390
00:25:21,353 --> 00:25:22,354
I'm shocked.
391
00:25:23,230 --> 00:25:26,107
Well, he was always such a nice guy."
392
00:25:27,150 --> 00:25:28,902
Yeah, of course he's nice.
393
00:25:28,985 --> 00:25:30,862
He's doing the thing he loves.
394
00:25:34,658 --> 00:25:37,077
Not a lot of people
get to follow their passions.
395
00:25:38,537 --> 00:25:41,373
If you're ever talking to your neighbor
and you're like, "How's it going?"
396
00:25:41,456 --> 00:25:44,334
and he's like,
"Every day is better than the last,"
397
00:25:44,417 --> 00:25:46,419
check his basement!
398
00:25:55,679 --> 00:25:57,889
Anyway, I'm not sure
if I should have a baby.
399
00:25:59,808 --> 00:26:03,061
I do know I can have a baby,
I can get pregnant.
400
00:26:03,144 --> 00:26:05,939
This is gonna be an abortion joke,
put on your hats.
401
00:26:08,108 --> 00:26:10,735
A lot of people don't think you should
talk about your own abortion.
402
00:26:10,819 --> 00:26:13,363
I think it's rude to talk
about someone else's.
403
00:26:16,032 --> 00:26:20,704
Plus, I'd rather talk about my abortion
than hear about your gluten allergy.
404
00:26:28,878 --> 00:26:30,880
Anytime I'm at dinner with someone
when they're like,
405
00:26:30,964 --> 00:26:32,799
"I can't have the rolls
'cause of the gluten,"
406
00:26:32,882 --> 00:26:34,843
I'm like, "So I walked into the office..."
407
00:26:36,428 --> 00:26:38,597
And that's just the part
about how I got pregnant.
408
00:26:41,308 --> 00:26:43,184
I like to start stories
from the beginning.
409
00:26:45,228 --> 00:26:48,064
And a lot of people think that even if
you're allowed to get abortions,
410
00:26:48,148 --> 00:26:51,401
it should only be for
a very few specific reasons.
411
00:26:51,610 --> 00:26:54,571
Well, I think you should be able to get
an abortion for any reason you want.
412
00:26:55,405 --> 00:26:57,824
-Yeah.
413
00:27:01,995 --> 00:27:04,539
Like, you don't want a baby.
414
00:27:04,623 --> 00:27:06,625
It's not the right time for you.
415
00:27:06,708 --> 00:27:08,501
It's not the right guy.
416
00:27:08,585 --> 00:27:10,712
You're a redhead and he's a redhead
417
00:27:10,795 --> 00:27:13,340
and you're worried the baby's
gonna be translucent.
418
00:27:17,802 --> 00:27:20,680
And supporters,
people even that support abortion,
419
00:27:20,972 --> 00:27:22,724
you know, they're like,
"But it is a big deal,
420
00:27:22,807 --> 00:27:25,602
you shouldn't be cavalier about it,
it is a big deal.
421
00:27:26,061 --> 00:27:28,188
You know, you should take your time
making the decision.
422
00:27:28,271 --> 00:27:30,732
I mean, not too much time,
but you should take your time."
423
00:27:32,859 --> 00:27:34,819
It can be any deal you want it to be.
424
00:27:34,903 --> 00:27:36,905
It's your abortion, it's your deal.
425
00:27:37,405 --> 00:27:39,491
If it's a big deal for you,
it's a big deal.
426
00:27:39,574 --> 00:27:41,242
If it's not, it's not.
427
00:27:41,326 --> 00:27:42,452
Both are correct.
428
00:27:42,535 --> 00:27:44,162
-Yeah.
429
00:27:49,918 --> 00:27:52,504
My abortion, not a big deal for me.
430
00:27:52,921 --> 00:27:54,923
I left work, I got an abortion,
431
00:27:55,006 --> 00:27:57,801
I drank half a LaCroix,
and then I went back to work.
432
00:27:59,260 --> 00:28:00,261
Not a big deal.
433
00:28:00,345 --> 00:28:03,515
And I also think,
a pretty good advertisement for LaCroix.
434
00:28:05,141 --> 00:28:07,769
"LaCroix, get right back to work
after your abortion.
435
00:28:09,437 --> 00:28:11,398
Now in Totally Gone Tangerine."
436
00:28:16,736 --> 00:28:18,905
And we don't talk about abortion
in a real way.
437
00:28:18,988 --> 00:28:22,117
We talk about it in a very
legislative way, but not in a real way.
438
00:28:22,200 --> 00:28:26,121
So, I think a lot of women
have a lot of apprehension surrounding it.
439
00:28:26,204 --> 00:28:28,039
You know, we talk about it so negatively
440
00:28:28,123 --> 00:28:30,750
that you feel like you should have
this sense of shame
441
00:28:30,834 --> 00:28:32,293
after you get an abortion.
442
00:28:32,669 --> 00:28:35,130
Well, you can feel any way you want
after you get an abortion.
443
00:28:35,547 --> 00:28:36,381
Get one,
444
00:28:36,798 --> 00:28:37,799
see how you feel.
445
00:28:40,135 --> 00:28:42,387
You know how my abortion made me feel?
446
00:28:42,971 --> 00:28:43,888
Very powerful.
447
00:28:44,639 --> 00:28:46,599
You know how people say
you can't play God?
448
00:28:53,273 --> 00:28:54,733
I walked out of there being like,
449
00:28:54,816 --> 00:28:56,693
"Move over Morgan Freeman,
450
00:28:56,776 --> 00:28:59,028
I am God!"
451
00:28:59,904 --> 00:29:02,115
And then I crossed the street
very carefully.
452
00:29:02,699 --> 00:29:04,492
That was the perfect time
for God to be like,
453
00:29:04,576 --> 00:29:06,161
"You're not God, bitch, here's a bus."
454
00:29:10,749 --> 00:29:14,127
And a lot of people think, even if
you support abortion, you're a monster.
455
00:29:14,210 --> 00:29:16,337
Well, you know why
I had to get an abortion?
456
00:29:16,421 --> 00:29:18,173
Why I had to get one?
457
00:29:18,882 --> 00:29:20,467
'Cause I'm a very nice person.
458
00:29:21,676 --> 00:29:23,845
I did one of the nicest things you can do.
459
00:29:24,512 --> 00:29:25,764
I said, "Sure!
460
00:29:25,847 --> 00:29:27,182
You can cum inside of me!"
461
00:29:28,516 --> 00:29:30,477
That is one of the nicest things
you can do!
462
00:29:30,560 --> 00:29:33,104
Every man in here should be applauding me!
463
00:29:34,689 --> 00:29:36,483
I'm a good example.
464
00:29:38,067 --> 00:29:41,237
And, yes, that is how I talk during sex.
465
00:29:42,280 --> 00:29:45,700
"Sure, you can cum inside of me!
Man, this is fun. Jeez Louise."
466
00:29:48,244 --> 00:29:49,871
And guys are like,
"With a voice like that,
467
00:29:49,954 --> 00:29:51,372
definitely get an abortion."
468
00:29:52,081 --> 00:29:54,584
I'm like, "With a voice like this,
I can't believe you came.
469
00:29:56,461 --> 00:29:58,338
Careful around fire trucks."
470
00:30:00,465 --> 00:30:04,886
Oh, you think this gets any less shrill
when things are being poked inside of me?
471
00:30:06,304 --> 00:30:08,056
No, it does not!
472
00:30:10,642 --> 00:30:12,644
That one hurt my ears a little.
473
00:30:14,938 --> 00:30:18,483
I'm-- Clearly, I'm a feminist,
or at least I try to be a good feminist,
474
00:30:19,067 --> 00:30:23,321
but I found out recently that I'm not
feminist enough for some feminists,
475
00:30:23,404 --> 00:30:24,781
which is so like them.
476
00:30:26,741 --> 00:30:29,035
You know, not the easiest group to please.
477
00:30:31,037 --> 00:30:34,457
And you know how sometimes it's annoying
to talk to some men about feminism,
478
00:30:34,541 --> 00:30:36,626
'cause, they're like,
"Yeah, I don't like feminists,
479
00:30:36,709 --> 00:30:38,336
they want all men to die."
480
00:30:38,419 --> 00:30:40,213
And I'm like, "That's not what we want."
481
00:30:40,880 --> 00:30:43,883
And then I ran into these feminists
that were like, "That is what we want."
482
00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:50,265
Okay, this seems unsustainable.
483
00:30:51,599 --> 00:30:53,601
You know, just biologically.
484
00:30:55,186 --> 00:30:58,439
But also, what a stereotypical
female thing to do.
485
00:30:58,523 --> 00:31:01,234
Women want other women to be perfect.
486
00:31:01,776 --> 00:31:04,320
And it's crazy
because I know you can settle.
487
00:31:04,404 --> 00:31:05,780
I've seen your husbands.
488
00:31:08,783 --> 00:31:10,994
It's why I worry that women
will never get ahead.
489
00:31:11,077 --> 00:31:12,704
We're more than half the population.
490
00:31:12,787 --> 00:31:16,040
We could take over,
but we're our own worst enemy.
491
00:31:16,124 --> 00:31:17,876
We're never good enough for one another,
492
00:31:17,959 --> 00:31:19,794
we're always tearing each other down.
493
00:31:19,878 --> 00:31:22,547
Like, you can see,
as soon as women started to organize,
494
00:31:22,630 --> 00:31:24,215
you could see some men get nervous.
495
00:31:24,299 --> 00:31:25,425
They were mostly younger men.
496
00:31:25,508 --> 00:31:27,802
They were like,
"Women, they're organizing."
497
00:31:28,845 --> 00:31:30,054
But older men knew.
498
00:31:30,138 --> 00:31:32,765
Older men were like, "Yeah, don't worry,
it's gonna fall apart."
499
00:31:35,393 --> 00:31:37,937
"No, believe me,
my wife's been in nine book clubs.
500
00:31:39,772 --> 00:31:42,734
We're not even allowed to drive down
a street of a lady she doesn't like.
501
00:31:44,444 --> 00:31:47,071
Okay, that one might be because
I fucked that lady, that's maybe..."
502
00:31:48,990 --> 00:31:51,492
"But she did forgive me
and not her, so..."
503
00:31:52,869 --> 00:31:55,204
Oh, too close to home?
504
00:32:02,003 --> 00:32:04,631
I try to be a good feminist.
I get mad, though.
505
00:32:04,714 --> 00:32:07,258
I get mad at some of the stuff
we're fighting for,
506
00:32:07,342 --> 00:32:09,260
because we're, um, wrong.
507
00:32:10,970 --> 00:32:12,972
One of the things
that makes me really angry
508
00:32:13,056 --> 00:32:14,724
is when I hear other women say,
509
00:32:14,807 --> 00:32:18,353
"Well, women are just as
physically strong as men."
510
00:32:19,604 --> 00:32:20,480
Oh, no...
511
00:32:22,148 --> 00:32:22,982
we're not.
512
00:32:24,484 --> 00:32:26,778
Man are stronger and faster than us.
513
00:32:26,861 --> 00:32:28,071
That's just how it is,
514
00:32:28,154 --> 00:32:29,238
it's biological.
515
00:32:29,322 --> 00:32:31,991
I'm not happy about it either.
516
00:32:33,034 --> 00:32:35,703
But I'm not gonna argue it
'cause I'm not an idiot.
517
00:32:36,955 --> 00:32:39,999
There's probably some women
in here right now that are, like, "No.
518
00:32:40,083 --> 00:32:41,668
Serena!"
519
00:32:44,754 --> 00:32:46,881
No, she's not as good as the men.
520
00:32:46,965 --> 00:32:49,759
And before you get angry,
I'm not saying she's not amazing.
521
00:32:49,842 --> 00:32:53,054
She could beat you,
the man who gets tired during missionary.
522
00:32:57,600 --> 00:33:02,647
But the best women in the world at tennis
are not as good as the best men.
523
00:33:02,730 --> 00:33:05,400
That's why they put
the women together in general.
524
00:33:05,483 --> 00:33:07,735
It's not 'cause they're hoping
they'll scissor at the end.
525
00:33:09,696 --> 00:33:12,448
That also, for the record, is not why
they put the men together either.
526
00:33:12,865 --> 00:33:15,284
There is--
There's no scissoring in tennis,
527
00:33:16,327 --> 00:33:18,663
and, boy, did I make a fool of myself.
528
00:33:22,208 --> 00:33:27,088
It just-- It's so frustrating for women
to fight that we're just as strong as men.
529
00:33:27,171 --> 00:33:29,173
First of all, because it's not true.
530
00:33:29,257 --> 00:33:32,593
But, also, it has nothing
to do with equality.
531
00:33:32,969 --> 00:33:34,762
The reason we haven't had
a female president
532
00:33:34,846 --> 00:33:36,848
isn't because
she couldn't do enough push-ups.
533
00:33:38,099 --> 00:33:41,602
I don't know if you've noticed, but a lot
of our presidents have been very weak.
534
00:33:42,687 --> 00:33:45,440
FDR wasn't sitting
with a blanket across his legs
535
00:33:45,523 --> 00:33:47,942
'cause he was warming 'em up
for squat thrusts.
536
00:33:51,320 --> 00:33:53,698
One of our presidents got stuck
in a bathtub.
537
00:33:53,781 --> 00:33:56,159
Taft got stuck in a bathtub.
538
00:33:57,577 --> 00:33:59,954
How do we not talk about that
every single day?
539
00:34:01,289 --> 00:34:04,792
How is there not a store called
"Taft's Baths, too big to get stuck in."
540
00:34:08,963 --> 00:34:12,467
Equality is not about making
men and women the same,
541
00:34:12,550 --> 00:34:17,055
it's about valuing one another and making
sure we're all getting opportunities.
542
00:34:17,638 --> 00:34:19,932
Like, women,
I think we're very comfortable saying
543
00:34:20,016 --> 00:34:22,393
we're better at some stuff than men are.
544
00:34:22,477 --> 00:34:23,603
And if we're gonna say that,
545
00:34:23,686 --> 00:34:27,482
we have to let men say they're better
at some stuff than we are.
546
00:34:27,690 --> 00:34:29,067
We can't steal it all.
547
00:34:29,150 --> 00:34:29,984
We're not men.
548
00:34:37,450 --> 00:34:38,451
Like, let--
549
00:34:38,534 --> 00:34:40,286
Let men have stronger, that's fine.
550
00:34:40,369 --> 00:34:42,538
We're better at other things.
Like, women,
551
00:34:42,622 --> 00:34:44,248
we're better at being people.
552
00:34:46,626 --> 00:34:49,003
And this... this is how dumb men are.
553
00:34:49,087 --> 00:34:51,756
Men could learn to do the thing
we're good at.
554
00:34:52,131 --> 00:34:55,259
We are never gonna be as strong as them,
but men could learn how to say,
555
00:34:55,343 --> 00:34:56,385
"Are you okay?"
556
00:34:59,555 --> 00:35:02,350
Women, we should just admit
this has never been about equality.
557
00:35:02,433 --> 00:35:05,561
You don't want to be equal,
you want to be better than men!
558
00:35:05,645 --> 00:35:06,646
Admit it!
559
00:35:08,314 --> 00:35:10,942
You want to do to men what men did to us.
560
00:35:11,400 --> 00:35:12,693
You want to rule the world.
561
00:35:12,777 --> 00:35:14,821
You want to line the streets with tampons
562
00:35:14,904 --> 00:35:16,864
and fill the fountains with Chardonnay.
563
00:35:18,324 --> 00:35:21,702
You want to repeat what a man said
in the meeting and have a boss go,
564
00:35:21,786 --> 00:35:22,870
"Good idea, Cheryl."
565
00:35:24,705 --> 00:35:27,416
You want to hold power in your hands,
566
00:35:27,500 --> 00:35:28,543
and that'll never happen
567
00:35:28,626 --> 00:35:31,379
because men will knock it away
with their strong, strong arms.
568
00:35:32,922 --> 00:35:34,549
Just settle for equality,
569
00:35:35,675 --> 00:35:37,885
and maybe a place
to breastfeed that isn't a closet.
570
00:35:47,520 --> 00:35:49,355
'Cause we are. We're getting really--
571
00:35:49,438 --> 00:35:51,357
We're getting really mad
at men these days.
572
00:35:51,440 --> 00:35:52,525
We're blaming a lot on men.
573
00:35:52,608 --> 00:35:53,568
Especially white men.
574
00:35:53,651 --> 00:35:55,778
We're really going after you guys
pretty hard.
575
00:35:56,195 --> 00:35:57,822
And I'm not saying you don't deserve it.
576
00:35:57,905 --> 00:35:59,740
You have been sneaky little devils.
577
00:36:01,993 --> 00:36:03,244
Tricksters, even.
578
00:36:04,620 --> 00:36:07,665
But I do think white women,
it's our turn to admit
579
00:36:07,748 --> 00:36:09,667
that we are also part of the problem.
580
00:36:10,835 --> 00:36:12,503
I know, it's really uncomfortable.
581
00:36:13,588 --> 00:36:16,048
White women are like,
"I did not come here for this."
582
00:36:18,009 --> 00:36:19,343
Others are like, "Me?
583
00:36:19,427 --> 00:36:21,095
No, you can't blame me!
584
00:36:21,512 --> 00:36:23,097
I didn't do anything!"
585
00:36:24,056 --> 00:36:25,099
Yes.
586
00:36:27,476 --> 00:36:28,311
Exactly.
587
00:36:29,937 --> 00:36:31,898
We just sat there the whole time
being like,
588
00:36:31,981 --> 00:36:33,649
"I mean, I guess. I don't know."
589
00:36:36,027 --> 00:36:39,989
Plus, some of the stuff white men did,
I can't even believe was their idea.
590
00:36:40,531 --> 00:36:42,491
Like, some of the stuff was too clever.
591
00:36:43,951 --> 00:36:46,704
Like, when we gave Native Americans
blankets with smallpox,
592
00:36:46,787 --> 00:36:48,539
that was definitely a woman's idea.
593
00:36:49,123 --> 00:36:52,501
That has "mean girl" written all over it.
594
00:36:53,753 --> 00:36:56,881
A man would have just been, like,
"We'll stab 'em and throw 'em in a river."
595
00:36:58,549 --> 00:37:00,384
And then, a woman was like, "No, no.
596
00:37:03,179 --> 00:37:04,722
Let's give 'em blankets.
597
00:37:06,515 --> 00:37:08,517
'Cause then they'll think we're friends,
598
00:37:09,602 --> 00:37:11,771
and we'll be like, 'Bye!'"
599
00:37:18,653 --> 00:37:20,321
And the white women of my generation,
600
00:37:20,404 --> 00:37:22,573
we have completely abandoned white men.
601
00:37:22,657 --> 00:37:23,908
We blame everything on you.
602
00:37:23,991 --> 00:37:26,702
Even though you pay our rent,
we blame everything on you.
603
00:37:27,370 --> 00:37:30,623
We're like, "They did it! It was them!
We couldn't, our arms."
604
00:37:32,083 --> 00:37:34,877
We are the exact opposite of ride-or-die.
605
00:37:34,961 --> 00:37:37,713
We are ride-and-flee-immediately.
606
00:37:38,297 --> 00:37:40,007
We're all Rose from the Titanic.
607
00:37:40,091 --> 00:37:43,427
We grabbed a door
and we shoved a white man into the sea.
608
00:37:45,096 --> 00:37:46,806
"Like, I am literally freezing."
609
00:37:49,225 --> 00:37:52,436
I should say, I do like to do
all my historical women as millennials.
610
00:37:54,272 --> 00:37:56,774
Like, it's just more fun
to do history that way.
611
00:37:57,608 --> 00:37:59,819
Like, all the women
on the Titanic would have been like,
612
00:37:59,902 --> 00:38:01,988
"It's so annoying the boat sunk."
613
00:38:05,408 --> 00:38:07,785
"Like, how do you not see an iceberg?"
614
00:38:09,829 --> 00:38:13,374
That-- That had to be the main discussion
on all of the lifeboats, right?
615
00:38:14,125 --> 00:38:17,003
It was just a bunch of women being like,
"So, he just didn't see it?"
616
00:38:24,135 --> 00:38:26,887
"Isn't that, like,
literally his whole job?
617
00:38:32,310 --> 00:38:34,520
This is the most random ocean."
618
00:38:40,109 --> 00:38:41,986
"I'm starving."
619
00:38:47,491 --> 00:38:49,952
And, like, we're living
in a time right now where, like,
620
00:38:50,036 --> 00:38:52,538
a lot of people are confronting
their oppression,
621
00:38:52,621 --> 00:38:54,832
and white women are really trying
to be a part of that.
622
00:38:54,915 --> 00:38:56,417
We love being parts of stuff.
623
00:38:57,585 --> 00:38:58,961
We just want to be invited.
624
00:38:59,587 --> 00:39:01,714
You know,
maybe do a little light decorating.
625
00:39:02,882 --> 00:39:04,717
Perhaps take it over completely.
626
00:39:06,635 --> 00:39:08,679
And I'm not saying white women
weren't oppressed.
627
00:39:08,763 --> 00:39:11,724
You know, for the longest time
we couldn't vote or have bank accounts,
628
00:39:11,807 --> 00:39:12,725
but for the most part,
629
00:39:12,808 --> 00:39:14,185
we had nicer houses.
630
00:39:14,727 --> 00:39:16,687
So it was a very different oppression.
631
00:39:16,771 --> 00:39:18,856
It was a very air-conditioned oppression.
632
00:39:19,982 --> 00:39:22,860
You know, we were the only ones
in four-poster mahogany beds
633
00:39:22,943 --> 00:39:25,446
being like,
"Sometimes things aren't fair for me."
634
00:39:28,949 --> 00:39:30,701
That's where, men, you were very smart.
635
00:39:30,785 --> 00:39:32,578
This was a genius move.
636
00:39:32,661 --> 00:39:34,413
You kept us comfortable.
637
00:39:34,497 --> 00:39:36,415
That was very smart.
638
00:39:36,749 --> 00:39:40,336
It's almost impossible
to start a revolution from under a duvet.
639
00:39:45,591 --> 00:39:48,052
And then when we did start
fighting for equality,
640
00:39:48,135 --> 00:39:49,261
we didn't even do that right.
641
00:39:49,345 --> 00:39:51,347
We were like, "We want jobs!"
642
00:39:51,430 --> 00:39:52,723
And then black women were like,
643
00:39:52,807 --> 00:39:54,558
"We have those!
644
00:39:54,642 --> 00:39:58,020
In your house!
We're working for you right now!
645
00:39:58,771 --> 00:40:01,482
Your son calls me 'Mom' often!"
646
00:40:03,401 --> 00:40:05,403
Then we were like,
"This is really confusing.
647
00:40:06,695 --> 00:40:09,115
Plus, the baby's crying.
Can you go do that?
648
00:40:10,449 --> 00:40:11,367
Yucky."
649
00:40:13,953 --> 00:40:17,039
That's the thing, white women,
we're the most privileged victim.
650
00:40:17,957 --> 00:40:19,583
We're a privileged victim.
651
00:40:20,167 --> 00:40:21,752
We've seen privilege because we're white,
652
00:40:21,836 --> 00:40:24,296
but we've seen disadvantage
because we're women.
653
00:40:24,922 --> 00:40:26,674
You know, we haven't had it the best,
654
00:40:26,757 --> 00:40:28,884
but we have certainly
not had it the worst.
655
00:40:29,218 --> 00:40:31,679
And I don't really know
where that leaves us.
656
00:40:31,762 --> 00:40:33,389
You know, you want to go with white men?
657
00:40:33,472 --> 00:40:35,891
All right, that's fine,
but you're always gonna be under them.
658
00:40:36,434 --> 00:40:37,685
You want to go with women?
659
00:40:37,768 --> 00:40:38,853
All right, that's fine,
660
00:40:38,936 --> 00:40:41,397
but you gotta advocate
for black women and black men,
661
00:40:41,480 --> 00:40:43,482
and you're probably
always gonna be under them.
662
00:40:44,150 --> 00:40:46,193
I think the fact is that white women,
663
00:40:46,569 --> 00:40:48,571
I don't think we're ever gonna
have it the best.
664
00:40:48,988 --> 00:40:52,324
I don't think we're ever gonna find
greatness or glory,
665
00:40:52,616 --> 00:40:54,243
but maybe we can be the supporters.
666
00:40:54,827 --> 00:40:56,704
We can help other people get there.
667
00:40:57,288 --> 00:41:01,667
You know, we can sacrifice ourselves
so that other people have it better.
668
00:41:02,042 --> 00:41:04,003
And maybe in that sacrifice,
669
00:41:04,086 --> 00:41:06,672
we can find some sort of satisfaction.
670
00:41:07,089 --> 00:41:07,923
And that...
671
00:41:08,466 --> 00:41:10,009
is how you play the victim!
672
00:41:17,391 --> 00:41:19,018
I almost had some of you, I could feel it.
673
00:41:19,685 --> 00:41:22,480
There was white women who were like,
"I will martyr, I will be a martyr."
674
00:41:24,690 --> 00:41:26,901
Black women were like,
"No, this is a sneaky bitch."
675
00:41:31,447 --> 00:41:34,033
Women, we're complicated, we're complex.
676
00:41:34,116 --> 00:41:36,327
I think the more
we actually lean into that,
677
00:41:36,410 --> 00:41:38,204
the better things will get for us.
678
00:41:38,287 --> 00:41:41,373
Yeah, sometimes we make decisions
with feelings and emotions.
679
00:41:41,457 --> 00:41:42,666
I don't think that's bad.
680
00:41:42,750 --> 00:41:46,086
I think men, it's crazy that you don't,
you serial killers.
681
00:41:48,047 --> 00:41:50,591
Like, women, we're complicated,
we're emotional.
682
00:41:50,674 --> 00:41:53,093
And I think the reason
we're that way is 'cause women,
683
00:41:53,177 --> 00:41:56,847
I actually think we're a higher
evolved species of human than men.
684
00:41:56,931 --> 00:42:00,476
-Like...
685
00:42:00,935 --> 00:42:03,103
You know how they say God made men first?
686
00:42:03,187 --> 00:42:04,146
I do believe that.
687
00:42:04,230 --> 00:42:07,983
I believe that God made men
and then he goes, "Oh, good try, but...
688
00:42:09,735 --> 00:42:10,986
I think I can do better."
689
00:42:12,363 --> 00:42:13,447
And then he made women,
690
00:42:13,531 --> 00:42:15,533
and he was like,
"Oh, no, that's a little much.
691
00:42:17,034 --> 00:42:18,410
I've really over-corrected.
692
00:42:20,246 --> 00:42:21,455
It's too many shapes.
693
00:42:26,001 --> 00:42:27,628
That's gonna be hard to clean."
694
00:42:33,133 --> 00:42:34,134
I do, I think women,
695
00:42:34,218 --> 00:42:37,137
I think we're a higher evolved species
of human than men,
696
00:42:37,221 --> 00:42:39,098
and I don't think we recognize that.
697
00:42:39,181 --> 00:42:42,017
I don't think we recognize
that men are just dumb idiots
698
00:42:42,101 --> 00:42:44,019
and we have to remind them of things.
699
00:42:44,520 --> 00:42:47,940
And for every woman out there that's like,
"Well, that's not fair,"
700
00:42:48,023 --> 00:42:50,609
yeah, life's not fucking fair,
you princess!
701
00:42:51,986 --> 00:42:54,154
For every woman who's like,
"Well, men should just know."
702
00:42:54,238 --> 00:42:56,782
No, that's the bliss of being an idiot.
703
00:42:58,409 --> 00:43:00,911
You don't know you're an idiot.
704
00:43:02,204 --> 00:43:03,330
For every man who's like,
705
00:43:03,414 --> 00:43:04,582
"I'm not an idiot."
706
00:43:04,665 --> 00:43:06,875
Shut up, I'm trying to help you,
707
00:43:06,959 --> 00:43:08,127
you stupid idiot!
708
00:43:12,339 --> 00:43:14,174
You know when I realized
men were first idiots?
709
00:43:14,258 --> 00:43:15,926
You ever watch a man fall asleep?
710
00:43:16,927 --> 00:43:20,180
Men will lay their head back
and fall asleep immediately,
711
00:43:20,264 --> 00:43:22,308
like there wasn't a thought
in there to begin with.
712
00:43:23,767 --> 00:43:24,768
Just like...
713
00:43:27,688 --> 00:43:30,316
And then, this is how deep the idiot goes.
714
00:43:30,399 --> 00:43:33,527
Men are the ones most likely
to get sleep apnea.
715
00:43:33,611 --> 00:43:36,280
Your own body forgets to breathe!
716
00:43:41,035 --> 00:43:42,119
Your own body's like,
717
00:43:42,202 --> 00:43:43,162
"Whoa, sorry, man.
718
00:43:44,580 --> 00:43:45,831
I almost lost us there.
719
00:43:47,207 --> 00:43:48,459
You know what could really help,
720
00:43:48,542 --> 00:43:50,628
if we wore a Darth Vader mask
the rest of our lives."
721
00:43:52,921 --> 00:43:55,716
I mean, one of the best examples
of this was when--
722
00:43:55,799 --> 00:43:58,927
Remember when we were getting
really mad at men for man-spreading?
723
00:43:59,011 --> 00:44:02,640
You know, when they were spreading
their legs too far in a subway or a train,
724
00:44:02,723 --> 00:44:05,434
and we were like, "It's the patriarchy!"
725
00:44:07,144 --> 00:44:10,397
No, I promise you,
he's just a dumb idiot...
726
00:44:11,440 --> 00:44:13,067
who was like, "My balls are hot.
727
00:44:15,527 --> 00:44:17,446
I'm gonna have to figure this one out.
728
00:44:19,239 --> 00:44:21,367
Okay, nailed it.
729
00:44:24,161 --> 00:44:26,246
God, I'm so good at problems.
730
00:44:28,874 --> 00:44:30,834
I should be in charge of everything."
731
00:44:33,087 --> 00:44:35,589
I guarantee you,
it never even occurred to him
732
00:44:35,673 --> 00:44:37,633
that there are other people on the train.
733
00:44:38,258 --> 00:44:40,135
And, yeah, it's not fair,
but it's your job
734
00:44:40,219 --> 00:44:41,970
as the higher evolved species to be like,
735
00:44:42,054 --> 00:44:45,099
"Hey, idiot, close your legs,
I need room for my bag."
736
00:44:48,268 --> 00:44:50,354
And I guarantee you,
737
00:44:50,437 --> 00:44:52,064
95% of the time they'll be like,
738
00:44:52,147 --> 00:44:54,858
"I am so sorry, I didn't see you there,
your boobs are small."
739
00:45:00,989 --> 00:45:03,409
And I remember when this was happening,
some women were like,
740
00:45:03,492 --> 00:45:06,245
"I don't feel comfortable
telling a man to close his legs."
741
00:45:06,328 --> 00:45:07,329
And why is that?
742
00:45:07,413 --> 00:45:09,373
Is it because men
are a lot stronger than us
743
00:45:09,456 --> 00:45:10,791
and they could really hurt you?
744
00:45:10,874 --> 00:45:13,460
I promise that's the last time
I'll make this point.
745
00:45:15,629 --> 00:45:17,840
But, also, if you can't tell a man
to close his legs,
746
00:45:17,923 --> 00:45:19,383
you can't be in power.
747
00:45:19,466 --> 00:45:22,094
Power is not given, power is taken.
748
00:45:22,177 --> 00:45:23,595
And I'm pretty sure I wrote that,
749
00:45:23,679 --> 00:45:26,223
or I stole it from Game of Thrones.
750
00:45:30,269 --> 00:45:31,895
And, yeah, it's not ideal.
751
00:45:31,979 --> 00:45:33,731
In an ideal world
we wouldn't have to do this,
752
00:45:33,814 --> 00:45:35,858
but in an ideal world
you wouldn't have to put a sign
753
00:45:35,941 --> 00:45:37,985
outside a pool that says,
"Don't poop here."
754
00:45:39,570 --> 00:45:42,781
Every single one of those dumb warnings
are for men,
755
00:45:42,865 --> 00:45:44,658
every single one!
756
00:45:45,659 --> 00:45:49,079
They did not put up that sign
because a lady pooped in the pool.
757
00:45:51,498 --> 00:45:53,375
All those warnings,
on medicine, when it says,
758
00:45:53,459 --> 00:45:56,587
"Don't take this if you're allergic to it,
you fucking idiot."
759
00:45:58,046 --> 00:45:59,173
That's for men!
760
00:45:59,798 --> 00:46:02,009
That's why there's a man in the crosswalk,
so you can go,
761
00:46:02,092 --> 00:46:03,594
"Oh, yeah, it's walking time."
762
00:46:07,598 --> 00:46:08,932
On car commercials, when it says,
763
00:46:09,016 --> 00:46:11,977
"This is a professional driver
on a closed course,"
764
00:46:12,060 --> 00:46:13,729
that's for men!
765
00:46:14,897 --> 00:46:16,607
There's no woman
sitting at home being like,
766
00:46:16,690 --> 00:46:19,067
"I gotta buy a Chevy and find a cliff!"
767
00:46:26,700 --> 00:46:27,534
So...
768
00:46:28,619 --> 00:46:31,371
God made men,
and he was like, "I can do better."
769
00:46:31,455 --> 00:46:34,374
And then he made women
and he was like, "That's a little much."
770
00:46:34,458 --> 00:46:37,294
And then he made gay men and he was like,
"Yeah, that's the right one."
771
00:46:43,717 --> 00:46:45,803
"That works way better together.
772
00:46:46,637 --> 00:46:49,890
I'll make lesbians while I'm at it,
I'll give them my carpentry skills."
773
00:46:51,850 --> 00:46:53,268
I love lesbians.
774
00:46:53,352 --> 00:46:55,062
I think lesbians are the future.
775
00:46:55,145 --> 00:46:56,814
I don't think they know
what's gonna happen,
776
00:46:56,897 --> 00:46:59,399
but I think they're always prepared
for several scenarios.
777
00:47:00,818 --> 00:47:04,238
But my favorite fact about lesbians
is that for the longest time,
778
00:47:04,321 --> 00:47:06,698
no one believed they actually existed.
779
00:47:07,866 --> 00:47:10,285
Like, men couldn't wrap their heads
around lesbians,
780
00:47:10,369 --> 00:47:12,079
'cause it didn't involve a penis.
781
00:47:12,704 --> 00:47:14,498
That's how important
they think their penis is.
782
00:47:14,581 --> 00:47:16,667
They were like,
"A puzzle piece is missing."
783
00:47:18,752 --> 00:47:20,128
Like, gay men, they understood.
784
00:47:20,212 --> 00:47:22,840
They didn't like it, but they were like,
"There's these crazy guys,
785
00:47:22,923 --> 00:47:24,550
they like a penis in the butt,
786
00:47:24,633 --> 00:47:26,802
and I don't think about it all the time."
787
00:47:32,391 --> 00:47:34,643
But gay men,
they could wrap their heads around that.
788
00:47:34,726 --> 00:47:36,728
Lesbians, they were baffled.
789
00:47:36,812 --> 00:47:39,940
They were like, "No, it's two ins,
it's not structurally sound.
790
00:47:41,733 --> 00:47:43,110
Believe me, I'm an engineer."
791
00:47:45,112 --> 00:47:46,405
Are there gay men here?
792
00:47:49,324 --> 00:47:50,534
That sounds about right.
793
00:47:51,660 --> 00:47:53,328
I learned this about myself recently:
794
00:47:53,412 --> 00:47:54,830
I hate gay men.
795
00:47:56,415 --> 00:47:59,793
Not 'cause of anything you do sexually,
very onboard with that,
796
00:47:59,877 --> 00:48:00,836
quite impressed.
797
00:48:02,129 --> 00:48:04,798
I have tried it once, and not for me.
798
00:48:06,550 --> 00:48:08,051
But way to power through.
799
00:48:13,265 --> 00:48:16,435
I hate gay men 'cause they're better
at being women than I am.
800
00:48:17,352 --> 00:48:19,104
Like, I thought I liked dick,
801
00:48:19,187 --> 00:48:21,106
and then I heard a gay guy talk about it,
802
00:48:21,189 --> 00:48:23,191
and I was like,
"Oh, no, I think it's just okay."
803
00:48:28,697 --> 00:48:32,826
Gay guys talk about dick the way men
wished women talked about dick.
804
00:48:33,952 --> 00:48:36,830
Straight men,
if you want someone to love your dick,
805
00:48:36,914 --> 00:48:37,873
be gay!
806
00:48:40,167 --> 00:48:43,337
Gay guys talk about dick
the way kids talk about Christmas.
807
00:48:44,254 --> 00:48:46,548
They're like, "Is it here yet?
Can I open it?"
808
00:48:48,508 --> 00:48:51,970
Women, we talk about dick
the way Jews talk about Christmas.
809
00:48:53,931 --> 00:48:55,474
We're like, "The music is nice,
810
00:48:57,517 --> 00:48:59,728
but I don't think it needs
to start in October.
811
00:49:01,021 --> 00:49:03,398
Also, holiday's over, let's wrap it up,
it's wintertime."
812
00:49:07,319 --> 00:49:10,072
I do think this is the crux
of a lot of our problems.
813
00:49:10,447 --> 00:49:11,281
I think men--
814
00:49:11,365 --> 00:49:14,868
I think you think your penis
is more important to us than it is.
815
00:49:14,952 --> 00:49:16,244
It's important to you,
816
00:49:16,328 --> 00:49:18,538
and it should be, it's yours,
817
00:49:18,622 --> 00:49:20,958
but we do not care about it...
818
00:49:21,541 --> 00:49:22,960
as much as you do.
819
00:49:24,169 --> 00:49:28,090
I think we also don't care
about big dicks as much as men do.
820
00:49:28,173 --> 00:49:29,925
Men talk about big dicks a lot.
821
00:49:30,008 --> 00:49:32,636
It really... It seems to be on your minds.
822
00:49:34,846 --> 00:49:36,473
You're always saying stuff like,
823
00:49:36,556 --> 00:49:38,058
"She needs a big dick!"
824
00:49:43,814 --> 00:49:45,148
You... you should ask us.
825
00:49:46,984 --> 00:49:47,985
We're all different.
826
00:49:49,528 --> 00:49:50,612
I have a short torso.
827
00:49:54,241 --> 00:49:56,368
This is a finite amount of space.
828
00:49:58,412 --> 00:50:01,081
I think we should start thinking
about penises and vaginas
829
00:50:01,164 --> 00:50:03,166
as a foot-in-a-shoe situation.
830
00:50:04,835 --> 00:50:09,131
You ever try to jam your foot
into a shoe that's two sizes too small?
831
00:50:09,214 --> 00:50:11,466
Imagine if the shoe had feelings.
832
00:50:13,552 --> 00:50:14,720
And you cared.
833
00:50:17,389 --> 00:50:18,473
We should all know our size.
834
00:50:18,557 --> 00:50:21,476
At the end of a night at a bar
a guy should be like, "I'm an eight,"
835
00:50:21,560 --> 00:50:23,270
and you'd be like,
"Well, I'm a four so, no."
836
00:50:25,439 --> 00:50:28,316
Or a guy'd be like, "I'm a two,"
you'd be like, "You should lie about that.
837
00:50:29,276 --> 00:50:31,111
Or show me a picture of your apartment."
838
00:50:32,320 --> 00:50:35,240
A two with a good apartment is a six,
that's just math.
839
00:50:38,493 --> 00:50:40,370
And we should talk about dicks in sizes,
840
00:50:40,454 --> 00:50:43,081
sizes that we all know and understand.
841
00:50:43,165 --> 00:50:46,460
We have to stop talking
about dicks in inches,
842
00:50:46,543 --> 00:50:50,088
because I don't know how much an inch is.
843
00:50:52,049 --> 00:50:54,009
You know how I know a penis is too big?
844
00:50:54,092 --> 00:50:55,510
I see it and I go, "Oh, no."
845
00:50:57,846 --> 00:50:59,389
"No, you think I'm a different person.
846
00:51:00,849 --> 00:51:02,642
You think I'm old Long Vagina."
847
00:51:07,647 --> 00:51:09,524
"She needs a big dick!"
848
00:51:11,985 --> 00:51:14,321
All right, what do you think
I want out of sex,
849
00:51:14,404 --> 00:51:16,114
a hole in my back?
850
00:51:19,326 --> 00:51:20,744
To become a dolphin?
851
00:51:23,538 --> 00:51:25,499
Which, vocally, does make sense.
852
00:51:28,251 --> 00:51:30,170
And, look, I've had sex with guys
with big dicks.
853
00:51:30,253 --> 00:51:33,173
Sometimes I'll sort of move away,
they'll be like, "Where are you going?"
854
00:51:33,256 --> 00:51:34,508
And I'm like, "To safety."
855
00:51:37,385 --> 00:51:41,181
You know, in boxing, if you punch
someone in the liver, it's illegal.
856
00:51:51,817 --> 00:51:53,777
And yet, men still say,
857
00:51:54,027 --> 00:51:56,196
"She needs a big dick!"
858
00:51:56,988 --> 00:51:59,574
No, she needs you to text her back.
859
00:52:06,039 --> 00:52:09,918
And I'm sure-- I'm sure there's some women
in here whose preference is a big dick,
860
00:52:10,001 --> 00:52:11,878
and that's fine, to each their own.
861
00:52:11,962 --> 00:52:13,004
Me personally,
862
00:52:13,088 --> 00:52:14,214
more of a strong medium.
863
00:52:15,882 --> 00:52:17,509
Small is still not on the table. Small's--
864
00:52:17,592 --> 00:52:19,594
If you have a small penis,
you should kill yourself.
865
00:52:20,929 --> 00:52:23,181
It's an honor killing! It's good!
866
00:52:24,558 --> 00:52:27,185
I feel like this is what Goldilocks
was originally about.
867
00:52:29,062 --> 00:52:30,230
And then they were like,
868
00:52:30,313 --> 00:52:32,482
"No, we're not gonna be able
to read this to children."
869
00:52:34,734 --> 00:52:35,902
"Even in Germany?"
870
00:52:35,986 --> 00:52:36,820
"Yeah."
871
00:52:40,031 --> 00:52:42,200
"All right, 'porridge,' but you get it."
872
00:52:49,916 --> 00:52:52,669
And I know, I know
I just said a very mean thing.
873
00:52:53,128 --> 00:52:55,714
I said men with small penises
should kill themselves,
874
00:52:55,797 --> 00:52:57,841
and that's a really mean thing to say.
875
00:52:57,924 --> 00:53:00,093
It's also a very funny thing to say,
876
00:53:00,594 --> 00:53:03,805
'cause no man with a small penis
can ever get mad at me for that
877
00:53:03,889 --> 00:53:06,016
without immediately revealing himself.
878
00:53:09,936 --> 00:53:14,524
And it's crazy because we really only
talk about big penises and little penises.
879
00:53:14,608 --> 00:53:17,861
We don't talk about what I think
is the worst penis out there,
880
00:53:18,862 --> 00:53:19,738
the skinny penis,
881
00:53:21,323 --> 00:53:22,490
the wisp of wind,
882
00:53:23,867 --> 00:53:24,784
the ghost.
883
00:53:26,828 --> 00:53:28,371
I blame part of this on us women.
884
00:53:28,455 --> 00:53:31,333
I don't think we talk about it 'cause
we're worried men are gonna be like,
885
00:53:31,416 --> 00:53:33,335
"I don't have a skinny penis!
886
00:53:33,418 --> 00:53:36,171
You just have a giant vagina!"
887
00:53:38,924 --> 00:53:40,634
No, dude, you got a skinny penis.
888
00:53:41,134 --> 00:53:42,427
Looks like a witch's finger.
889
00:53:43,929 --> 00:53:46,223
Are you trying to have sex with me
or cast a spell?
890
00:53:47,849 --> 00:53:49,267
Wand down, Harry Potter.
891
00:53:53,063 --> 00:53:55,106
But there is one important question
892
00:53:55,190 --> 00:53:57,317
I don't think we're asking
ourselves right now,
893
00:53:57,400 --> 00:53:59,903
and I think this is really important
to address
894
00:53:59,986 --> 00:54:02,530
in the time that we're in as a society.
895
00:54:03,156 --> 00:54:04,241
And that is...
896
00:54:04,324 --> 00:54:07,661
do you think moms want to know
how their sons' penis turned out?
897
00:54:10,789 --> 00:54:12,499
I know, bit of a left turn.
898
00:54:14,668 --> 00:54:16,503
In the joke, hopefully not the penis.
899
00:54:18,463 --> 00:54:20,257
I just think she had a lot
to do with that,
900
00:54:20,340 --> 00:54:22,259
and then she never got to see
what grade she got.
901
00:54:24,052 --> 00:54:26,846
Think about it,
she grew the penis for a while,
902
00:54:26,930 --> 00:54:28,556
and then she had the baby,
903
00:54:28,640 --> 00:54:32,185
and for several years made sure
the penis was safe and clean,
904
00:54:32,978 --> 00:54:36,106
and then this poor woman
sent that penis out into the world,
905
00:54:36,189 --> 00:54:38,984
and she never got to see
how the movie ended.
906
00:54:40,277 --> 00:54:43,947
I think, men, I think you should show
your mom your penis.
907
00:54:45,240 --> 00:54:46,866
I think you're out there
showing your penis
908
00:54:46,950 --> 00:54:48,326
to people who don't want to see it,
909
00:54:48,410 --> 00:54:50,412
show it to the one person...
910
00:54:52,330 --> 00:54:54,040
who really wants to see it.
911
00:54:57,210 --> 00:54:58,545
Your mommy!
912
00:54:59,838 --> 00:55:01,715
Go ahead, pull out your phones right now!
913
00:55:01,798 --> 00:55:04,134
I know y'all got a dick pic on there!
914
00:55:04,843 --> 00:55:07,929
Send that sweet, sweet dick pic
to your mommy!
915
00:55:09,639 --> 00:55:11,016
And she'll be like, "Oh!
916
00:55:11,099 --> 00:55:12,392
There's my little guy."
917
00:55:18,189 --> 00:55:21,067
I have been getting called vulgar
a lot lately.
918
00:55:22,819 --> 00:55:25,947
Like, when I did the White House
Correspondents' Dinner, right--
919
00:55:33,413 --> 00:55:35,290
It's fine, it was a job,
it didn't pay well.
920
00:55:36,583 --> 00:55:39,210
Then afterward all these people were like,
"You ruined the dinner,"
921
00:55:39,294 --> 00:55:40,879
and I was like, "I ruin every dinner.
922
00:55:42,255 --> 00:55:43,798
Did you do no research?"
923
00:55:45,717 --> 00:55:49,346
But right before I went up to give
my speech, and this is a 100% true story,
924
00:55:49,429 --> 00:55:52,640
the guy who was sitting on my right,
he was a reporter from Dallas,
925
00:55:52,724 --> 00:55:54,017
he leaned over and he goes,
926
00:55:54,100 --> 00:55:56,019
"I watched your HBO special before this
927
00:55:56,102 --> 00:55:58,438
'cause I wanted to see what kind
of comedy you do."
928
00:55:58,521 --> 00:56:00,398
And I was like, "Oh, glad somebody did."
929
00:56:02,108 --> 00:56:04,778
And he goes, "I have to admit,
I think you're pretty vulgar,"
930
00:56:04,861 --> 00:56:08,531
and I was like, "Oh, if you think
I'm vulgar, you should hear male comics."
931
00:56:09,574 --> 00:56:13,370
'Cause I know all the stuff I talk about,
periods, pussies, dicks...
932
00:56:13,453 --> 00:56:15,455
There's other stuff,
but we hit those pretty hard.
933
00:56:17,123 --> 00:56:19,417
And as soon as I talk about that,
a lot of people,
934
00:56:19,501 --> 00:56:21,294
especially a lot of other women, are like,
935
00:56:21,378 --> 00:56:24,297
"She's vulgar! She's nasty!
936
00:56:24,381 --> 00:56:25,799
Not a lady!"
937
00:56:28,551 --> 00:56:30,678
But men talk about
almost all the same stuff.
938
00:56:30,762 --> 00:56:33,723
I mean, maybe not otter rape,
but almost all the same stuff.
939
00:56:34,933 --> 00:56:38,186
And as soon as men do it,
people are like, "Yeah, but they're men.
940
00:56:39,229 --> 00:56:40,397
Men are gross."
941
00:56:41,398 --> 00:56:45,902
Which is crazy 'cause women
are so much grosser than men!
942
00:56:48,988 --> 00:56:50,240
We're disgusting!
943
00:56:50,323 --> 00:56:52,784
This is why we gotta stop being cute!
944
00:56:53,660 --> 00:56:57,789
Every hot woman you know shits furiously!
945
00:56:59,541 --> 00:57:01,626
And that's not the worst of it.
946
00:57:02,168 --> 00:57:05,088
Do you know how much stuff
falls out of my vagina every month?
947
00:57:05,630 --> 00:57:08,550
I'm not talking about during my period,
I'm talking the other weeks.
948
00:57:10,385 --> 00:57:11,928
The gloops and the globs.
949
00:57:13,221 --> 00:57:15,890
Which is also the name
of the children's book I'm working on.
950
00:57:18,393 --> 00:57:19,853
"Gloop! Gloop! Glob! Glob!"
951
00:57:23,940 --> 00:57:25,817
Like, sometimes
I look down at my underwear
952
00:57:25,900 --> 00:57:27,444
and I'm like, "That can't be right."
953
00:57:29,571 --> 00:57:32,490
So, then I google it and I'm like,
"No, that's definitely in the spectrum."
954
00:57:33,992 --> 00:57:37,036
It makes me-- It makes me feel so bad
for women before Google,
955
00:57:37,787 --> 00:57:40,498
you know, where you just had to,
like, go up to a neighbor and be like,
956
00:57:40,582 --> 00:57:43,376
"Hey, you ever get, like, an off-white--
You know what? No, never mind.
957
00:57:45,462 --> 00:57:48,173
No, I just-- I'd rather die
than have this conversation."
958
00:57:53,470 --> 00:57:55,680
And, like, men try to be gross.
959
00:57:55,763 --> 00:57:57,390
Like, it's almost adorable.
960
00:57:58,016 --> 00:57:59,767
You know, they'll say things like,
961
00:57:59,851 --> 00:58:01,561
"Oh, skid marks!"
962
00:58:02,645 --> 00:58:03,480
Yeah, okay.
963
00:58:05,273 --> 00:58:07,233
Sometimes I look down
at my underwear and I'm like,
964
00:58:07,317 --> 00:58:09,027
"Did I put toothpaste down there?
965
00:58:09,986 --> 00:58:11,613
Three years ago?
966
00:58:12,363 --> 00:58:14,365
Oh, and also skid marks.
967
00:58:14,532 --> 00:58:16,201
I got a butt, too!"
968
00:58:17,619 --> 00:58:20,622
So, yeah, if you want to call me vulgar,
go ahead,
969
00:58:20,705 --> 00:58:23,583
I'm a vulgar, disgusting bitch!
970
00:58:31,591 --> 00:58:34,552
And I am-- I am happy to admit that now,
971
00:58:34,636 --> 00:58:37,388
but I gotta be honest,
it took me a little bit to get there.
972
00:58:37,472 --> 00:58:39,807
You know, I didn't want
to be called vulgar at first.
973
00:58:40,350 --> 00:58:41,434
No, I think what I needed,
974
00:58:41,518 --> 00:58:43,353
I needed to see
an example of someone else.
975
00:58:43,436 --> 00:58:45,688
You know, like,
I need to see someone else be vulgar
976
00:58:45,772 --> 00:58:48,399
that's not supposed to be
to know it was really okay.
977
00:58:48,942 --> 00:58:50,276
I guess what I'm trying to say is,
978
00:58:50,360 --> 00:58:51,736
I learned it from the President.
979
00:58:52,695 --> 00:58:56,074
And I hope all your daughters do too,
you fucking pussies!
980
00:58:56,157 --> 00:58:57,200
Good night!
981
00:59:29,482 --> 00:59:32,777
♪ We're all stars now ♪
982
00:59:32,860 --> 00:59:34,862
♪ In the dope show ♪
983
00:59:34,946 --> 00:59:37,031
♪ We're all stars now... ♪