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ANNOUNCER: The Dick Van Dyke Show!

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( MUSIC PLAYING )

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Eighteen,

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nineteen...

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( PHONE RINGING )

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twenty.

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( PHONE CONTINUES RINGING )

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twenty-one.

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Hey, Sal, will you get that?

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Yeah, sure.

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Hello?

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( PHONE CONTINUES RINGING )

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Yeah, he's here. Just a minute.

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It's for you, Buddy.

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Thanks. Hello?

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( PHONE CONTINUES RINGING )

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Hello? Oh? It's for you, Rob.

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( PHONE CONTINUES RINGING )

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Thanks a lot, fellas.

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Hello. LAURA: Hi, honey.

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It is for me. Told you.

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Am I interrupting anything?

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Yeah, but what you're interrupting

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is highly interruptible.

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What is it, honey?

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Well, a telegram just arrived for you.

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All right, you have my permission

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to open it and read it.

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All righty...

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Well, what do you know.

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It's from your brother, Stacey.

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He says, "Arriving New York tonight on two-week furlough.

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Please secure hotel reservations for me.

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Would love to stay with you,

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but would be more comfortable in hotel.

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Understand, Burford?"

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Who's Burford?

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Uh, that's me, honey.

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It's a name he called me once in a while.

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Ah, well, anyway.

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"Dying to see Laura and meet my nephew.

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Love, Stacey." Isn't that wonderful?

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Oh, that's, that's uh, just great, honey.

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Look, can you fix up a bunch of barbecued ribs tonight?

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He loves ribs.

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He? Who he?

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Ribs it'll be.

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Oh, and I'll get your junk out of the den.

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Uh, honey, don't uh, bother about the den.

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I'll get him a hotel room.

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Him? Who's him?

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And is him married?

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Rob, I won't hear of it!

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He's the one relative of ours I'm really dying to know better.

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Honey, you gotta believe me. Don't fix up the den.

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My brother will be much happier in a nice hotel room.

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Your brother! Hey, I got an idea.

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I'll marry him, and he can stay with me.

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What did you say, honey?

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I said, I'm fixing up the den

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and I don't want to hear another word.

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One more word don't fix up the den.

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He'll stay in a hotel room.

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And that's final

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and I'll see you at the regular time.

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Bye.

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Burford...oh boy.

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Honey, I spoke to him.

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He said he'd rather stay in a hotel,

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now it's all settled.

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It's not settled, Rob. You're not going to win.

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Look, will you believe Stacey if he says he prefers a hotel?

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Why would he prefer a hotel?

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Because he's shy and retiring.

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He doesn't want to bother people.

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Well, all right. We'll discuss it when you get back.

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You better go. You'll be late.

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No, honey. I've got an hour before it lands.

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I'll be there 15 minutes early.

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Well, while you're waiting,

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don't go nibbling candy from those machines.

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I've got 10 pounds of wild looking ribs

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in that oven. Okay. You keep them wild.

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Both Stace and I will tame them.

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All right. Burford!

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Ouch!

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Is that a way to greet a brother?

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Stace, what are you doing here?

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I came to eat ribs, Burf.

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Well, come on in, uh, Stace.

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Hi there. Hi, Stacey.

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Stace, your plane wasn't due for an hour yet.

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Well, I took an earlier plane, Burf.

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Well, wwwhy, why, why did you...

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No, what difference does it make what plane he took?

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The point is he's here, and we ought to be telling him

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how happy we are to see him.

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Yeah, so somebody kiss me anybody.

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I remember from the wedding you're my sister-in-law,

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so you can kiss me.

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Aw, ha ha.

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How are you, Laura?

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Just fine, and welcome to New York, Stacey.

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Well, Burf, what do you want to do

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kiss, shake hands, hug, what, huh?

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Let's do them all how about that?

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Good to see you, Burf!

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How are you, you old beanstalk?

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Just fine, Stace. How are you?

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Rob, what's the matter with you?

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Nothing's the matter with me.

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He's acting like he's not happy to see you, Stacey,

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and he is.

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Oh, I know my brother Burf.

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He's acting that way because I'm acting this way.

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Ba doo, boo. ( LAUGHING )

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that didn't make any sense.

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Well we, uh, we Petries do that a lot.

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Righto, Burf.

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Listen, Stace how come you always call Rob Burford?

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Eh, he looks like a Burford, doesn't he?

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Yes, come to think of it?

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Oooh, smell them ribs! Hahaha.

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Say, Stace did you, uh,

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catch a nice nap on the plane?

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Sure did, Burf.

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I wanted to stay right on that plane and sleep.

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( CHUCKLES ) Well, we're glad you woke up.

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Who woke up I'm still asleep.

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( LAUGHS )

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Say, Stacey, would you like to lie down awhile?

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Oh, yes. And speaking of lying down,

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I want it understood right here and now

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that you're staying with us. No hotel.

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And I don't want to hear any arguments.

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Who's gonna argue?

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Then you will stay with us?

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Where else? Hey, Burf, how are you?

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Stacey, wouldn't you like to catch a nice nap

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and freshen up a little bit?

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Good, good.

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I want to do all those things nap, freshen up,

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and then lead me to them ribs!

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Go on, Stace.

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Did I kiss you hello?

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Yes, you did. All right.

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Did I shake hands with you? Yeah, you did.

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Good. I like to remember those things.

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( WHISTLING )

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Honey, I'll be back in a minute.

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I...I want to explain something.

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Yes, I thought you might.

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Honey, can you come in here a minute?

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Have you got a minute?

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Well, it's going to take you longer than that

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to explain your abominable behavior towards your brother.

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Honey, will you sit down just a minute?

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Didn't it seem to you

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that Stacey was acting a little strangely?

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No, he was acting like a fellow

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who was happy to see us.

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He was spirited, joyful, and bubbly.

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Right. Three things that Stacey ordinarily is not

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unless...

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Unless what?

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Well, honey, you're gonna find out sooner or later anyway.

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I might just as well tell you.

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My brother Stacey has a...problem.

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A problem? Yeah.

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He thought he had it licked, too,

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but it looks like he hasn't.

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Oh, Rob, no.

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Your brother is a drunkard!

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No, no, honey.

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No, he's not a drunkard.

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Uh, Stacey's a...a...

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A what?

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A somnambulist.

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A somnambulist?

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A sleepwalker?

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The best in the world.

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Well, I don't think I've ever seen a sleepwalker before.

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Oh, yes, you just saw a big demonstration by one.

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You mean that Stacey just now...

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Sound asleep.

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I don't believe it! How can you tell he's asleep?

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Well, you noticed Stacey wasn't wearing his glasses

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So?

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He always wears his glasses when he's awake.

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The only time he takes them off is when he's asleep

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and you heard him call me Burford

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Yeah.

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Well, when he's that way, he calls everybody Burford.

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Well, he seems so happy.

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That's the big clue.

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When he's awake, he's very shy, very retiring,

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but when he's asleep, he's friendly, outgoing.

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Are you asking me to believe that someone can be asleep

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and walk around and talk?

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You saw it with your own eyes.

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I just can't believe it's true.

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Well, it is.

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I looked it up in the encyclopedia

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and it lists all four kinds of somnambulism,

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and Stacey is the fourth type, the rarest.

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His is kind of akin to hypnotism.

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It's under somnambulism.

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I'm going to see this one myself.

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Well, then just around.

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Rob, what's he gonna do?

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He's gonna play golf if I don't stop him.

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Ahem, Stace... Say, where you going?

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Oh, hi ya, Burford. How about a little golf?

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We don't have the time now, Stace.

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We're gonna have dinner.

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Have I got...for... Just for nine holes?

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No. Wouldn't you rather finish your nap

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and freshen up and have dinner?

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Good idea, Burf.

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( WHISTLING )

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Stace...uh, why don't you sleep in the bed?

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Okay, uh, listen. Don't turn the water on.

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Convinced? Almost.

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What do you mean, almost?

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You just saw a beautiful demonstration

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of sleepwalking... And almost sleep golfing.

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Oh, my.

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Well, how will I be able to tell when he's awake?

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When he's wide awake,

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he's a totally different personality.

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He's very shy and reserved and introverted.

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Am I interrupting anything?

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Oh, no. Come on in, Stace.

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Hi, Rob. Hi.

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Hi, Laura.

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Hi, Stacey.

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We, uh, we met, didn't...

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Yes, we did.

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Yeah, I...I remember.

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Uh, Stacey, is your room all right?

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Oh, yeah. It's just, it's just fine, Laura,

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but I think, uh, it'd be better if I stayed in a hotel.

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Stacey, sit down a minute, please.

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Um, Rob told me everything.

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He did? Uh huh.

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Yes, and you're staying here with us.

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Well, that's, that's very nice of you, but I, I...

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Stace, when did the midnight strolls start again?

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Well, it was about a week ago, and it's funny

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because I haven't walked in my sleep since I was 14,

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back in Danville. Remember, Rob?

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Yeah, you mean when you got up and took the bus to Chicago?

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Yeah.

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You know we found him in a movie house,

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watching the Laurel and Hardy festival.

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Sat through it four times.

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When they came in to clean up the theater,

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there was Stace, slumped in a seat, sound asleep.

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Well, I thought he was asleep.

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Well, during the picture, I was awake/asleep.

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When they found me, I was asleep/asleep.

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I'm confused. I, I...

263
00:09:58,831 --> 00:10:00,933
Yeah, so were the army doctors.

264
00:10:00,967 --> 00:10:03,069
Just last week I got up in the middle of the night,

265
00:10:03,102 --> 00:10:04,337
and I grabbed my banjo...

266
00:10:04,370 --> 00:10:05,171
Your banjo?

267
00:10:05,204 --> 00:10:07,440
Yeah, and I ended up strumming Reveille

268
00:10:07,473 --> 00:10:09,942
over the loudspeaker at 3 A.M.

269
00:10:12,111 --> 00:10:13,713
Boy, they didn't like that.

270
00:10:15,314 --> 00:10:16,882
What do you think started it again?

271
00:10:16,916 --> 00:10:19,719
Well, the army doctors think I'm a little disturbed

272
00:10:19,752 --> 00:10:22,388
by the fact that I'm going to be discharged soon.

273
00:10:22,421 --> 00:10:24,223
Well, don't you want to leave the army?

274
00:10:24,256 --> 00:10:26,792
Oh, sure, sure I do.

275
00:10:26,826 --> 00:10:28,094
You don't sound very sure.

276
00:10:28,127 --> 00:10:29,395
No, I don't, do I?

277
00:10:30,262 --> 00:10:33,833
No, I, I know I'm sure, though...I think.

278
00:10:34,834 --> 00:10:36,769
Stace, have you been thinking about what you want to do

279
00:10:36,802 --> 00:10:38,304
when you get out of the army?

280
00:10:38,337 --> 00:10:40,473
Well, you know, Rob, I've always,

281
00:10:40,506 --> 00:10:43,275
I've always liked comedy, and I've been thinking

282
00:10:43,309 --> 00:10:47,713
well, that maybe I'd like to be a, a comedian.

283
00:10:51,517 --> 00:10:53,819
A comedian?

284
00:10:55,955 --> 00:11:00,259
Yeah. Around the barracks I, I, uh, cut up.

285
00:11:02,261 --> 00:11:06,198
And uh, and uh, the fellas laugh at me a lot.

286
00:11:07,299 --> 00:11:10,202
And I thought maybe that, uh, you could advise me.

287
00:11:10,236 --> 00:11:11,437
About what?

288
00:11:11,470 --> 00:11:13,339
About being a comedian.

289
00:11:15,374 --> 00:11:16,742
Hm, well, uh, Stace,

290
00:11:16,776 --> 00:11:19,378
I'd be happy to give you my opinion.

291
00:11:19,412 --> 00:11:22,281
Uh, you want to show us what you do?

292
00:11:22,314 --> 00:11:24,316
Uh, right now? Well, yeah.

293
00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:25,951
Have you got your banjo with you?

294
00:11:25,985 --> 00:11:28,187
Yeah, it, it's in my barracks bag there.

295
00:11:28,220 --> 00:11:29,388
Well, good. Go get it.

296
00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:31,757
Now? Rob: Sure, go ahead.

297
00:11:33,025 --> 00:11:34,326
( CHUCKLES ) Okay.

298
00:11:35,061 --> 00:11:37,029
Uh, it isn't much, though, I'll tell you.

299
00:11:37,063 --> 00:11:38,364
Go on and get it.

300
00:11:38,397 --> 00:11:39,999
All right. huh.

301
00:11:40,032 --> 00:11:41,834
You get a little out of tune in the barracks bag.

302
00:11:41,867 --> 00:11:43,069
I'll probably have to...

303
00:11:48,074 --> 00:11:50,076
Aw, you really sure you want to hear me play?

304
00:11:50,109 --> 00:11:52,211
Of course we are! Sure we do!

305
00:11:52,244 --> 00:11:53,179
Well, I don't know.

306
00:11:53,212 --> 00:11:54,513
( CHUCKLES )

307
00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:56,148
I'll tell you I'm a little nervous.

308
00:11:56,182 --> 00:11:57,983
Why be nervous we're your relatives.

309
00:11:58,017 --> 00:11:59,785
Yeah, but you're civilians.

310
00:12:00,953 --> 00:12:03,789
I never, I never played for anybody but soldiers before.

311
00:12:03,823 --> 00:12:04,790
Well, why don't you think of me

312
00:12:04,824 --> 00:12:06,125
as a former soldier.

313
00:12:06,158 --> 00:12:08,194
Okay, I'll try.

314
00:12:08,961 --> 00:12:10,296
( STRUMS BANJO )

315
00:12:10,930 --> 00:12:12,765
♪ Wwwwell, well, well ♪

316
00:12:15,301 --> 00:12:18,037
♪ Well, well, well ♪

317
00:12:20,506 --> 00:12:22,408
That's a very funny opening for the act.

318
00:12:22,441 --> 00:12:24,310
I haven't started yet, Rob.

319
00:12:25,611 --> 00:12:27,346
You see, my banjo's a little out of tune.

320
00:12:27,379 --> 00:12:29,415
It's...it had been in my barracks bag.

321
00:12:29,448 --> 00:12:30,983
Okay.

322
00:12:31,016 --> 00:12:32,084
( STRUMING BANJO )

323
00:12:32,118 --> 00:12:33,018
♪ Well

324
00:12:33,052 --> 00:12:35,221
♪ Hello hello sunshine

325
00:12:35,254 --> 00:12:40,426
♪ Hello helloooo sunshine goodbye rain ♪

326
00:12:40,459 --> 00:12:42,361
♪ Guide my baby

327
00:12:42,394 --> 00:12:44,230
Is it all right if I sing really bad?

328
00:12:44,263 --> 00:12:45,297
Go ahead.

329
00:12:45,331 --> 00:12:46,932
Okay, yeah, but this is where I tell the jokes.

330
00:12:46,966 --> 00:12:48,601
Oh, go ahead and tell a joke then.

331
00:12:48,634 --> 00:12:52,171
( STRUMMING BANJO ) ♪ Hmm, hmm, hmm,

332
00:12:54,073 --> 00:12:57,042
Doo, doo, hmm, doo.

333
00:12:58,410 --> 00:13:02,214
Uh, this is a, this is a story about a fella that hmm

334
00:13:02,248 --> 00:13:05,017
( STRUMMING BANJO ) hmm,

335
00:13:05,050 --> 00:13:07,253
this a, a fella goes into a,

336
00:13:07,286 --> 00:13:10,055
he goes up to this uh, guy on the street, hmm

337
00:13:10,089 --> 00:13:12,324
( STRUMMING BANJO )

338
00:13:12,358 --> 00:13:14,059
and he says can you give me fif

339
00:13:14,093 --> 00:13:17,129
uh, teen cen fifteen cents for a sandwich?

340
00:13:17,163 --> 00:13:18,931
And the guy said, uhhm

341
00:13:18,964 --> 00:13:21,100
( STRUMMING BANJO )

342
00:13:23,402 --> 00:13:25,171
and he says, "I'll give you" sure

343
00:13:25,204 --> 00:13:28,908
he says, "I'll give you 15 cents for a sandwich, but uh, hmm

344
00:13:28,941 --> 00:13:30,910
( STRUMMING BANJO )

345
00:13:31,610 --> 00:13:35,181
I'll get the uh, that's no good.

346
00:13:36,015 --> 00:13:37,516
I'll tell it.

347
00:13:38,050 --> 00:13:39,952
Oh, this is a good one. I just heard this.

348
00:13:39,985 --> 00:13:43,155
Hmm, duh, this uh, this is a guy, he takes a pair--

349
00:13:43,189 --> 00:13:45,424
I play the music right through the--

350
00:13:45,457 --> 00:13:47,092
while I'm telling the jokes.

351
00:13:47,126 --> 00:13:48,260
I keep it going.

352
00:13:48,294 --> 00:13:50,029
( HUMMING ) Hmm,

353
00:13:50,062 --> 00:13:53,632
this guy goes into a, a, psychiatrist's office,

354
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:56,535
and, and, and he says, uh,

355
00:13:56,569 --> 00:13:58,337
and he's the guy's all orange

356
00:13:58,370 --> 00:14:02,007
and, and purple all over, and he goes and, hmm

357
00:14:03,342 --> 00:14:05,511
a psychia-- and he says, and,

358
00:14:05,544 --> 00:14:07,546
and he's got a pelican on his head

359
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:12,218
uh, I'm not doing very well, am I?

360
00:14:13,118 --> 00:14:15,521
Well, no, Stace, I, uh, wouldn't say that.

361
00:14:15,554 --> 00:14:16,689
It's, it's just that, uh--

362
00:14:16,722 --> 00:14:18,457
it's just that I'm no good.

363
00:14:18,490 --> 00:14:21,293
Well, no. I, I think, uh, ahem, that uh,

364
00:14:21,327 --> 00:14:23,596
you need a little extra polish

365
00:14:23,629 --> 00:14:27,666
and a little experience, but, uh, all newcomers need that.

366
00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:30,536
You don't think I'm ready to audition for anybody yet,

367
00:14:30,569 --> 00:14:31,971
do you, Rob?

368
00:14:32,738 --> 00:14:35,507
Ahem, well, uh, let me say this

369
00:14:35,541 --> 00:14:37,409
uh, I do think you need that,

370
00:14:37,443 --> 00:14:40,012
that little uh, extra bit of polish.

371
00:14:40,045 --> 00:14:42,281
Yeah. I guess so.

372
00:14:43,582 --> 00:14:45,718
Hey, it's getting late.

373
00:14:45,751 --> 00:14:47,286
Boy, we better attack those ribs

374
00:14:47,319 --> 00:14:49,088
before the gang gets here.

375
00:14:49,121 --> 00:14:49,955
What gang?

376
00:14:49,989 --> 00:14:51,423
Oh, I invited a few of the neighbors

377
00:14:51,457 --> 00:14:53,092
and some of the guys from the office over.

378
00:14:53,125 --> 00:14:54,293
I thought you might like to meet them.

379
00:14:54,326 --> 00:14:56,262
Oh, gee. I'm a little tired, Rob.

380
00:14:56,295 --> 00:14:58,364
Will I have time to grab a nap first?

381
00:14:58,397 --> 00:15:00,132
But, Stacey, you just had a nap.

382
00:15:00,165 --> 00:15:01,567
I, I get more rest when I'm awake

383
00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:03,235
than those kind of naps.

384
00:15:05,204 --> 00:15:06,972
Hey, I better, I better go get dressed.

385
00:15:07,006 --> 00:15:08,641
Uh, I, I won't, I won't be long.

386
00:15:08,674 --> 00:15:09,675
Okay, Stace.

387
00:15:09,708 --> 00:15:10,609
Get a little more polish.

388
00:15:10,643 --> 00:15:12,478
That's what I need if it get some polish

389
00:15:12,511 --> 00:15:14,480
and smooth this out a little bit...

390
00:15:16,482 --> 00:15:18,484
( APPLAUSE )

391
00:15:20,252 --> 00:15:21,420
What are you thinking, Rob?

392
00:15:21,453 --> 00:15:22,588
I'm trying to think of some other business

393
00:15:22,621 --> 00:15:24,290
my brother can go into.

394
00:15:26,492 --> 00:15:27,693
He's not very funny.

395
00:15:27,726 --> 00:15:29,962
He was funnier asleep.

396
00:15:30,663 --> 00:15:33,198
Not much demand for a sleeping comedian.

397
00:15:33,699 --> 00:15:35,334
Let's go baste the ribs.

398
00:15:35,367 --> 00:15:36,635
( BANJO MUSIC )

399
00:15:36,669 --> 00:15:38,637
STACEY: Hmm, banjo.

400
00:15:40,105 --> 00:15:42,274
And the pelican goes, ahuhm.

401
00:15:42,308 --> 00:15:44,410
( BANJO MUSIC )

402
00:15:50,649 --> 00:15:51,383
SALLY: Hey, Rob .

403
00:15:51,417 --> 00:15:52,384
I've been here for 37 minutes,

404
00:15:52,418 --> 00:15:54,553
and I still haven't met the guest of honor.

405
00:15:54,586 --> 00:15:55,721
I don't think you have a brother

406
00:15:55,754 --> 00:15:57,089
what do you think of that? Sal, I told you,

407
00:15:57,122 --> 00:15:58,257
he's just knocked off from his trip

408
00:15:58,290 --> 00:15:59,525
he's catching a few winks.

409
00:15:59,558 --> 00:16:01,393
Well, he's missing a few winks.

410
00:16:02,328 --> 00:16:03,729
Come on, get him up I want to flirt a little.

411
00:16:03,762 --> 00:16:04,763
( CHUCKLES ) Now just calm down.

412
00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:07,366
I told you he's already engaged, and he's very shy.

413
00:16:07,399 --> 00:16:08,434
Shyer than you?

414
00:16:08,467 --> 00:16:09,201
Oh, yeah.

415
00:16:09,234 --> 00:16:10,769
Well, how did he get engaged?

416
00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:12,271
She asked him!

417
00:16:13,138 --> 00:16:14,139
Listen, darling,

418
00:16:14,173 --> 00:16:14,973
don't you think you ought to wake Stacey up now?

419
00:16:15,007 --> 00:16:16,475
After all, the party is in his honor.

420
00:16:16,508 --> 00:16:17,776
Yeah, good idea.

421
00:16:18,410 --> 00:16:22,481
( BANJO MUSIC ) ♪ Hello sunshine...

422
00:16:24,083 --> 00:16:26,185
Party!

423
00:16:28,087 --> 00:16:30,389
Oh, hello there. How about a little twist?

424
00:16:30,422 --> 00:16:33,292
Come on shut her motor off.

425
00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:35,794
Oh, who's this?

426
00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:36,862
I'm Mel Cooley.

427
00:16:36,895 --> 00:16:38,397
He's, he's the producer of The Alan Brady Show.

428
00:16:38,430 --> 00:16:40,132
Mel, this is my brother, Stacey Petrie.

429
00:16:40,165 --> 00:16:42,835
How do you do, Mel? Love your show.

430
00:16:42,868 --> 00:16:43,769
Well, thank you, thank you.

431
00:16:43,802 --> 00:16:46,171
If I ever need a producer, you're my man.

432
00:16:46,205 --> 00:16:47,206
How much you make a week?

433
00:16:47,239 --> 00:16:48,140
How much do I make a week?

434
00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:49,241
I'll tell you, I'll give you twice that,

435
00:16:49,274 --> 00:16:51,110
throw in a trip to Europe, and a new pair of pants

436
00:16:51,143 --> 00:16:52,344
what do you say to that?

437
00:16:53,479 --> 00:16:55,314
Well, Mr. Petrie, you're, you're very generous.

438
00:16:55,347 --> 00:16:57,249
Yeah, I'm also sound asleep.

439
00:16:58,384 --> 00:17:00,386
Yep, he's Rob's brother, all right.

440
00:17:00,786 --> 00:17:03,622
Oh, who's the nice blonde lady?

441
00:17:03,655 --> 00:17:05,691
So, this is your shy brother, huh?

442
00:17:05,724 --> 00:17:07,860
Well, Sal, he doesn't, he doesn't do this all the time

443
00:17:07,893 --> 00:17:10,095
he's just putting it on... Because--

444
00:17:10,129 --> 00:17:11,263
oh, that's because he doesn't want anyone to know

445
00:17:11,296 --> 00:17:12,564
how shy he is.

446
00:17:12,798 --> 00:17:13,832
Oh, I'm shy, all right.

447
00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:16,368
My whole body's shy. Only my mouth is outspoken.

448
00:17:16,402 --> 00:17:17,569
( LAUGHTER )

449
00:17:18,504 --> 00:17:20,439
Uh, this is, this is Sally Rogers.

450
00:17:20,472 --> 00:17:22,408
He's very tired from his trip, Sal.

451
00:17:22,441 --> 00:17:23,842
Don't you want to lie down awhile, Stace?

452
00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:25,611
Sure, but first I want to kiss her hand.

453
00:17:25,644 --> 00:17:26,612
Well, after your nap. Well, now, Rob.

454
00:17:26,645 --> 00:17:28,747
How long could it take to kiss a lady's hand?

455
00:17:28,781 --> 00:17:30,349
Go ahead, kid, live.

456
00:17:30,382 --> 00:17:31,583
Oh, look at this. Five fingers,

457
00:17:31,617 --> 00:17:33,385
one for each fingernail.

458
00:17:35,454 --> 00:17:37,222
Okay, Stace, nappy time.

459
00:17:37,256 --> 00:17:38,657
Okay, but first I have a request.

460
00:17:38,690 --> 00:17:40,759
Well, after your nap Rob, what's with this napping?

461
00:17:40,793 --> 00:17:43,462
He looks like he could use a nice run around the block.

462
00:17:43,495 --> 00:17:45,330
( CHUCKLES ) Yes, that's how we Petries act

463
00:17:45,364 --> 00:17:46,732
when we're overtired.

464
00:17:47,332 --> 00:17:48,267
Okay, let's go, Stace.

465
00:17:48,300 --> 00:17:50,769
Oh, who's this fine looking man right here?

466
00:17:50,803 --> 00:17:51,737
Fine looking?

467
00:17:51,770 --> 00:17:52,838
Must be something wrong with his eyesight.

468
00:17:52,871 --> 00:17:55,307
Guess it's the army food, Rob not enough carrots.

469
00:17:55,340 --> 00:17:56,742
( LAUGHS ) Haha. Don't tell me

470
00:17:56,775 --> 00:17:58,777
it's Buddy Sorrell, the human joke machine.

471
00:17:58,811 --> 00:18:00,446
Tada! How do you do, buddy?

472
00:18:00,479 --> 00:18:02,514
Hi ya. The subject is birds.

473
00:18:02,548 --> 00:18:04,917
Birds, birds you know why a hummingbird hums?

474
00:18:04,950 --> 00:18:05,617
No, what?

475
00:18:05,651 --> 00:18:07,252
'cause he don't know the words.

476
00:18:09,455 --> 00:18:10,789
I like it!

477
00:18:10,823 --> 00:18:12,825
I want to meet more people like him.

478
00:18:12,858 --> 00:18:14,526
Where's the lady with the hand?

479
00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:16,261
Oh, try this one hahaha.

480
00:18:17,229 --> 00:18:19,164
Say, Stacey, don't you want to go to your room?

481
00:18:19,198 --> 00:18:20,632
Good idea, Burf!

482
00:18:20,666 --> 00:18:23,335
Okay, everybody to my room!

483
00:18:23,368 --> 00:18:25,137
( LAUGHTER )

484
00:18:25,804 --> 00:18:27,206
We'll have a little entertainment.

485
00:18:27,239 --> 00:18:28,207
No, we're not...

486
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:29,875
( APPLAUSE )

487
00:18:31,677 --> 00:18:34,847
♪ Yeah hello sunshine goodbye rain... ♪

488
00:18:40,385 --> 00:18:41,687
In my room. Let's go!

489
00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:43,522
( LAUGHTER )

490
00:18:43,989 --> 00:18:45,591
who stole my bed?

491
00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:57,302
Heh, folks, I'd like to present to you

492
00:18:57,336 --> 00:18:58,971
my little brother, Stacey Petrie.

493
00:18:59,004 --> 00:19:01,173
( APPLAUSE )

494
00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:03,742
Good evening, folks.

495
00:19:03,775 --> 00:19:05,310
Aw... What's the matter?

496
00:19:05,344 --> 00:19:07,212
I forgot my banjo pick.

497
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:10,949
Everybody talk to each other. You get on the stool, Burf.

498
00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:12,718
I'll be right back, okay?

499
00:19:12,951 --> 00:19:14,219
The stool for you.

500
00:19:14,253 --> 00:19:15,320
He's going to entertain.

501
00:19:15,354 --> 00:19:17,256
I don't know, I've never seen his act.

502
00:19:18,891 --> 00:19:19,925
Rob, what are you going to do?

503
00:19:19,958 --> 00:19:21,493
Honey, I tried to wake him up.

504
00:19:21,527 --> 00:19:23,395
He's not going to wake up until he's ready.

505
00:19:23,428 --> 00:19:24,663
I even pinched him.

506
00:19:24,696 --> 00:19:25,797
You know what he said to me?

507
00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:27,366
He said, "Please let me perform.

508
00:19:27,399 --> 00:19:29,468
I know I could be funny." Honey, he begged me.

509
00:19:29,501 --> 00:19:31,003
But darling, is it a good idea to let him perform

510
00:19:31,036 --> 00:19:33,272
in front of all these people asleep?

511
00:19:33,305 --> 00:19:34,139
How should I know, honey?

512
00:19:34,172 --> 00:19:35,707
Maybe if he would be successful tonight,

513
00:19:35,741 --> 00:19:37,276
he'll get the confidence to perform

514
00:19:37,309 --> 00:19:38,677
when he's wide awake.

515
00:19:39,044 --> 00:19:40,779
Okay, folks, here I am.

516
00:19:40,812 --> 00:19:42,347
( APPLAUSE )

517
00:19:42,381 --> 00:19:43,815
Okay, everybody over here, up to the stage.

518
00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:45,017
Come on over to the stage.

519
00:19:45,050 --> 00:19:47,286
Gather 'round, make a circle.

520
00:19:47,319 --> 00:19:48,754
It's showtime!

521
00:19:48,787 --> 00:19:49,988
Hahaha.

522
00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:51,757
Okay, folks. Get around there,

523
00:19:51,790 --> 00:19:52,858
and I'll tune up a little bit.

524
00:19:52,891 --> 00:19:54,293
( BANJO STRUMMING ) Gotta get it

525
00:19:54,326 --> 00:19:55,961
let me have an 'r', Burf.

526
00:19:55,994 --> 00:19:57,362
That's good.

527
00:19:58,430 --> 00:20:00,666
I only said that for a joke there ain't no "r".

528
00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:02,734
Is there?

529
00:20:02,768 --> 00:20:04,636
( LAUGHTER )

530
00:20:04,670 --> 00:20:05,971
All right, folks, what would you like to hear?

531
00:20:06,004 --> 00:20:07,873
How about, uh, how about Stardust?

532
00:20:07,906 --> 00:20:09,608
Oh, that's a good I don't know that.

533
00:20:10,576 --> 00:20:11,677
You know any Italian numbers?

534
00:20:11,710 --> 00:20:14,680
Oh, I know that. How about Napoli 486182?

535
00:20:15,814 --> 00:20:17,883
SALLY: He's very shy, isn't he?

536
00:20:17,916 --> 00:20:19,818
Listen, why don't you do one of your favorites?

537
00:20:19,851 --> 00:20:22,821
I don't have any favorites. I hate banjo music.

538
00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:25,457
What do you want to hear, Mr. Burford?

539
00:20:25,490 --> 00:20:26,825
How, how about something classical?

540
00:20:26,858 --> 00:20:27,893
Good enough something classical.

541
00:20:27,926 --> 00:20:30,996
How about the uh, Hungarian Rhapsody by Goulash?

542
00:20:31,029 --> 00:20:32,431
Oh, goulash is a stew.

543
00:20:32,464 --> 00:20:33,632
Oh, I don't care how much he drinks.

544
00:20:33,665 --> 00:20:35,033
He writes good music.

545
00:20:37,869 --> 00:20:39,972
Okay, something classical for Mr. Burford.

546
00:20:40,005 --> 00:20:42,040
( BANJO STRUMMING )

547
00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:45,310
♪ Hello sunshine goodbye rain

548
00:20:45,344 --> 00:20:46,979
♪ Got my baby back

549
00:20:47,012 --> 00:20:48,513
Hear it, Burf?

550
00:20:49,982 --> 00:20:51,583
Aw, I'll tone it down a little bit.

551
00:20:51,883 --> 00:20:52,818
I don't want to drown out my voice.

552
00:20:52,851 --> 00:20:54,052
I sing pretty good.

553
00:20:54,886 --> 00:20:55,854
There we go.

554
00:20:55,887 --> 00:20:56,755
That ought to be better... ( BANJO STRUMMING )

555
00:20:56,788 --> 00:21:00,759
♪ Well hello sunshine goodbye rain ♪

556
00:21:00,792 --> 00:21:03,495
♪ Got my baby back again

557
00:21:03,528 --> 00:21:04,830
Everybody clap.

558
00:21:04,863 --> 00:21:06,765
( CLAPPING )

559
00:21:06,798 --> 00:21:07,766
( STRUMMING BANJO )

560
00:21:07,799 --> 00:21:09,368
That's good.

561
00:21:09,401 --> 00:21:10,769
Thank you for the applause.

562
00:21:13,472 --> 00:21:14,873
And now for my encore...

563
00:21:14,906 --> 00:21:17,376
( laughing )

564
00:21:17,409 --> 00:21:19,411
I'm killing 'em, ain't I, Burf?

565
00:21:19,811 --> 00:21:23,515
♪ Hello roses hello June hello ♪

566
00:21:23,548 --> 00:21:24,616
Or as General Custer said, he said,

567
00:21:24,650 --> 00:21:25,617
"I don't know what's the matter with them Indians.

568
00:21:25,651 --> 00:21:27,753
They were all right at the dance last night."

569
00:21:27,786 --> 00:21:29,921
( LAUGHTER )

570
00:21:30,856 --> 00:21:33,659
♪ Hello roses hello dew

571
00:21:33,692 --> 00:21:34,893
♪ Hello blue

572
00:21:34,926 --> 00:21:36,695
The fella that crossed a parrot with a tiger to match that

573
00:21:36,728 --> 00:21:37,663
what did you get?

574
00:21:37,696 --> 00:21:38,664
He said, "I don't know, but when he talks,

575
00:21:38,697 --> 00:21:40,499
you better listen."

576
00:21:43,001 --> 00:21:45,037
A fella walks into a psychiatrist's office,

577
00:21:45,070 --> 00:21:47,639
and he's all orange and blue and purple and green all over,

578
00:21:47,673 --> 00:21:48,807
and he's got a pelican on his head,

579
00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:50,509
and the pelican has a fish in his mouth

580
00:21:50,542 --> 00:21:51,777
and he walked up to the psychiatrist,

581
00:21:51,810 --> 00:21:53,578
and the pelican says, "Say, can you tell me

582
00:21:53,612 --> 00:21:55,647
how I can get this guy out from under my feet?"

583
00:21:58,784 --> 00:22:00,752
It's alright, Burf. It's part of the act.

584
00:22:01,753 --> 00:22:03,722
It's a wonder I didn't wake up, huh?

585
00:22:04,189 --> 00:22:05,090
Big Benny's.

586
00:22:05,123 --> 00:22:06,825
♪ Hello hello sunshine

587
00:22:06,858 --> 00:22:09,728
♪ Goodbye rain

588
00:22:11,496 --> 00:22:12,698
( APPLAUSE )

589
00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:23,842
MEL: Young man, you were just great,

590
00:22:23,875 --> 00:22:25,043
and I want you to audition--

591
00:22:25,077 --> 00:22:26,545
Oh, oh I think he's fainted.

592
00:22:26,578 --> 00:22:28,947
Well, uh, no, he's, he's just as asleep, Mel.

593
00:22:28,980 --> 00:22:30,749
Well, how could he be asleep so fast?

594
00:22:30,782 --> 00:22:32,684
Well, he does that. He's a very fast sleeper.

595
00:22:32,718 --> 00:22:34,519
He had a hard day today.

596
00:22:34,553 --> 00:22:36,054
Yeah, well, wake him up I want to talk to him.

597
00:22:36,088 --> 00:22:37,189
No, don't, don't wake him up.

598
00:22:37,222 --> 00:22:39,658
Uh, you don't wake up a soldier on furlough, hehheh.

599
00:22:39,691 --> 00:22:41,426
Well, when he wakes up, you tell him that I...

600
00:22:41,460 --> 00:22:42,894
Shh! Shh!

601
00:22:42,928 --> 00:22:43,962
Oh.

602
00:22:44,629 --> 00:22:45,363
( WHISPERING ) When he wakes up,

603
00:22:45,397 --> 00:22:46,598
you tell him that I'd like him

604
00:22:46,631 --> 00:22:47,666
to audition for The Alan Brady Show.

605
00:22:47,699 --> 00:22:49,067
( WHISPERING ) Yeah, I'll tell him when he wakes up.

606
00:22:49,101 --> 00:22:50,502
Yeah.

607
00:22:50,802 --> 00:22:51,670
( WHISPERING ) Hey, Rob.

608
00:22:51,703 --> 00:22:53,038
Is the party over? ( WHISPERING ) Yes.

609
00:22:53,071 --> 00:22:54,706
( WHISPERING ) I thought so.

610
00:22:57,876 --> 00:22:59,544
( WHISPERING ) Rob, will you tell Stacey

611
00:22:59,578 --> 00:23:00,779
he was just great? Just wonderful!

612
00:23:00,812 --> 00:23:01,713
Fine, I'll tell him ( INDISTINCT ).

613
00:23:01,747 --> 00:23:03,615
( WHISPERING ) and I'll see you tomorrow.

614
00:23:03,648 --> 00:23:05,050
( WHISPERING ) Laura, it was a wonderful party.

615
00:23:05,083 --> 00:23:06,651
MEL: We had a marvelous evening.

616
00:23:06,685 --> 00:23:07,919
Shh! Shh!

617
00:23:12,023 --> 00:23:13,125
Honestly, Stace, you gotta believe me.

618
00:23:13,158 --> 00:23:15,060
You were absolutely great.

619
00:23:15,093 --> 00:23:16,728
Look, have I ever lied to you?

620
00:23:16,762 --> 00:23:19,631
Yeah. I mean, since we're adults.

621
00:23:19,664 --> 00:23:21,133
STACEY: Oh, no. Well, I just want to tell you,

622
00:23:21,166 --> 00:23:23,034
you, you're responsible for one of the nicest evenings

623
00:23:23,068 --> 00:23:24,669
we ever had in this house. Right, honey?

624
00:23:24,703 --> 00:23:25,637
Right.

625
00:23:25,670 --> 00:23:27,739
Yeah, I just can't believe I was that funny.

626
00:23:27,773 --> 00:23:30,142
Well, you were. You should have been here!

627
00:23:32,110 --> 00:23:33,879
Well, you know what I mean.

628
00:23:33,912 --> 00:23:35,547
Uh, Buddy and Sally are no pushovers.

629
00:23:35,580 --> 00:23:36,848
They were on the floor.

630
00:23:36,882 --> 00:23:37,816
Yeah, and Mel Cooley

631
00:23:37,849 --> 00:23:38,750
certainly wouldn't have asked you to audition

632
00:23:38,784 --> 00:23:41,086
for The Alan Brady Show if you weren't good.

633
00:23:41,119 --> 00:23:43,188
Yeah, but I, I was asleep.

634
00:23:43,221 --> 00:23:44,222
I just don't I don't think

635
00:23:44,256 --> 00:23:45,891
I could be that funny awake.

636
00:23:45,924 --> 00:23:47,225
I know you can.

637
00:23:47,259 --> 00:23:49,628
Look, Stace, there's a funny man somewhere

638
00:23:49,661 --> 00:23:51,163
asleep inside of you.

639
00:23:51,196 --> 00:23:52,631
You gotta try and help him get out

640
00:23:52,664 --> 00:23:54,032
where he can be seen.

641
00:23:54,065 --> 00:23:55,066
Now I'm going to set up that audition,

642
00:23:55,100 --> 00:23:56,902
and you're gonna be great.

643
00:23:56,935 --> 00:23:58,804
Aw, you can set up the audition, but I don't know

644
00:23:58,837 --> 00:24:00,939
how you're gonna arrange for me to be great.

645
00:24:01,673 --> 00:24:03,108
Well, sometime between now and next week,

646
00:24:03,141 --> 00:24:05,777
we're gonna figure out a way for you to be great awake.

647
00:24:05,811 --> 00:24:07,212
Look, start playing that banjo.

648
00:24:08,713 --> 00:24:09,848
Okay.

649
00:24:09,881 --> 00:24:10,982
( BANJO STRUMMING )

650
00:24:11,016 --> 00:24:12,083
( CLEARS THROAT )

651
00:24:12,117 --> 00:24:14,486
♪ Wewellll...

652
00:24:15,086 --> 00:24:17,088
♪ Well, well, well.

653
00:24:17,122 --> 00:24:20,926
Hm, hm, this a, this

654
00:24:20,959 --> 00:24:23,728
a, psychiatrist walks in this pelican's office...

655
00:24:25,797 --> 00:24:28,099
♪ And, hello sun

656
00:24:28,133 --> 00:24:32,938
♪ Hello sunshine good goodbye rain ♪

657
00:24:32,971 --> 00:24:34,873
♪ I got...

658
00:24:35,907 --> 00:24:38,510
I don't think next week's gonna be soon enough.

659
00:24:50,088 --> 00:24:51,122
I hope you'll be with us

660
00:24:51,156 --> 00:24:52,157
next week when my brother

661
00:24:52,190 --> 00:24:53,291
wrestles with the problem

662
00:24:53,325 --> 00:24:54,159
of auditioning for a

663
00:24:54,192 --> 00:24:55,560
television show while he's

664
00:24:55,594 --> 00:24:56,528
wide awake.

665
00:24:57,996 --> 00:24:59,664
Well, well, well, well...

666
00:24:59,698 --> 00:25:02,033
I'll see you next week.

667
00:25:03,869 --> 00:25:05,871
♪