1
00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:31,286
Thanks.

2
00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:35,203
That was the BBC again.
Piling on the agony.

3
00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:37,726
A big news story about global warming
has just broken,

4
00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:41,282
and they're adding that to the programme
about you on Sunday morning.

5
00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:43,840
Global warming computer models
have been proved wrong.

6
00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:46,844
The new models show it's even worse
than previously thought,

7
00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:49,002
much more severe and happening faster.

8
00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:51,162
Is that supposed to be my fault, too?

9
00:00:51,240 --> 00:00:52,890
They want to know
why the government's dragging

10
00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:54,564
its feet on co2 emission controls.

11
00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:57,246
Do we have to deal with that tonight,

12
00:00:57,320 --> 00:01:00,369
as well as the collapsing summit,

13
00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:04,929
the ecb, the BBC,
my treacherous cabinet,

14
00:01:05,040 --> 00:01:08,169
my disloyal colleagues, your leaks,

15
00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:11,847
the illegal immigrant cook,
the run on the pound,

16
00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:14,321
the Kumranistani pervert?

17
00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:19,930
Is there anything else,
anything else we can pile on me tonight?

18
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:24,449
Oh, yes! Global bloody warming,
thank you very much!

19
00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:27,889
Prime minister, might I suggest

20
00:01:27,960 --> 00:01:30,406
you don't worry too much
about global warming?

21
00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:33,450
Right. Well, I can't do much
about it tonight, can I?

22
00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:36,888
Why should the global warming computer
models be any more reliable or accurate

23
00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:41,045
than the financial ones? Wall street's
computer models were designed

24
00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:44,488
to show that sub-prime mortgage
derivatives were low risk.

25
00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:46,881
And these global warming
computer models are designed

26
00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:48,530
to show that global warming
is getting worse.

27
00:01:48,600 --> 00:01:52,127
- Oh, come off it, Humphrey.
- You remember mad cow disease?

28
00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:54,362
The computer models for that proved

29
00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:57,649
that we'd all be dying in our
hundreds of thousands by now.

30
00:01:57,720 --> 00:02:01,008
- But, in fact, hardly any died.
- You're suggesting what, exactly?

31
00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:02,923
Well, the computer models leave out

32
00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:05,844
nearly all other possible causes
except co2.

33
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:09,009
And then they say, "oh, look,
co2 has caused all this global warming."

34
00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:10,730
There aren't any other causes,
are there?

35
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Haven't you seen that film of
melting icebergs in the antarctic?

36
00:02:13,920 --> 00:02:15,729
Yes. They're beautiful, aren't they?

37
00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:17,643
That's caused by co2.

38
00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:21,088
No, dear lady, that's caused by
warm water masses from the pacific.

39
00:02:21,320 --> 00:02:23,243
Why are the polar bears
becoming extinct?

40
00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:25,641
- Oh, are they?
- The computer models say they are.

41
00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:27,370
But the people who actually
go and count them have found

42
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- more than there were 30 years ago.
- Oh, for heaven's sake, Humphrey!

43
00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:33,090
If it's all such nonsense,
why does everyone believe it?

44
00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:36,528
No, it is. It's very hard to understand,
I agree.

45
00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:39,451
There are some scientists who do
believe it, lots of others

46
00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:42,444
want the billions of pounds you can get
for research that seems to show that

47
00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:44,807
global warming is caused by
greenhouse gases.

48
00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:47,201
Most of the scientists
who disagree can't get published,

49
00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:49,851
journalists love shock horror stories,
governments want to look

50
00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:53,083
virtuous to the voters,
lefties want to bash big oil,

51
00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:55,367
and it makes all the tree-huggers
and whale-savers

52
00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:58,284
and everybody at the BBC and
all of the media feel holier than thou

53
00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:00,408
and warm and fuzzy inside.

54
00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:04,080
So, wind farms don't make any sense?

55
00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:10,203
Wind farms. Forgive me, prime minister.
They do make sense,

56
00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:13,967
to the businessmen who are getting
enormous government grants for them.

57
00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:15,883
There isn't enough wind to be practical.

58
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:20,090
The total output of all the
uk's wind turbines put together

59
00:03:20,160 --> 00:03:24,210
is less than a quarter of one
decent sized coal-fired power station.

60
00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:26,681
He can't say any of this to the BBC.

61
00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:29,411
No, Claire. Phone them back and say...

62
00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:30,961
Something.

63
00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:33,611
Urn, okay.

64
00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:35,921
Prime minister,
sir Humphrey, what are you thinking?

65
00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:38,640
The kumranistan foreign secretary
has demanded

66
00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:41,769
three women to have sex with
here, tonight, at chequers.

67
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:44,247
Europe needs his $10 trillion loan.

68
00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:46,971
And the two of you are arguing
about global warming,

69
00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:49,646
instead of working out
how to do what's right.

70
00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:52,207
Bernard, ever since this started

71
00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:56,001
you have been bleating on about
whether or not something is right.

72
00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:58,560
We are politicians, not bishops!

73
00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:02,449
Right. Bernard, the prime minister
is not here to do what's right.

74
00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:03,931
He's here to serve the country.

75
00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:07,362
What if we do get this deal signed?

76
00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:09,920
What if the prime minister loses
the next election

77
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,162
and the next government
has a different policy?

78
00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:16,609
Too late. There will be a treaty.
Britain will be a signatory

79
00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:18,887
and we always keep our word.

80
00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:21,247
- We don't, actually.
- Well, we often do.

81
00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:24,970
- We definitely would in this case.
- Fine.

82
00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:28,729
I'll organise the three call girls
before it gets any later.

83
00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:31,531
We'll need to put the royal helicopter
on standby.

84
00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:33,568
I must not hear this.

85
00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:36,642
Right! Who do I phone?

86
00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:38,768
- You don't know?
- How would I know?

87
00:04:38,840 --> 00:04:40,410
So how do you think I know?

88
00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:43,484
Let me... let me get this straight.

89
00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:48,726
We have finally decided to do this,
and you don't even know how?

90
00:04:48,840 --> 00:04:51,525
- Do you know how?
- I can't believe this.

91
00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:56,367
The TV news shows tell me we are
crawling with illegal foreign hookers,

92
00:04:56,440 --> 00:04:59,762
and nobody even knows how to find any?

93
00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:03,008
What is going on here?

94
00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:05,123
We could try the vice squad,
they'll know.

95
00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:08,170
You want to call the vice squad

96
00:05:08,840 --> 00:05:12,731
and ask them to find three prostitutes?

97
00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:15,526
And put them on the royal helicopter?

98
00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:18,482
Have you lost your mind?

99
00:05:25,840 --> 00:05:28,605
Just popping outside. Back in a minute.

100
00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:33,241
- What was that about?
- Don't know.

101
00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:41,164
She seems to be
talking to someone.

102
00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:43,811
- Who?
- I can't see.

103
00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:46,403
There are trees in the way.

104
00:05:47,440 --> 00:05:49,124
So, we're stuck.

105
00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:53,970
Aren't you worried that this is wrong,
prime minister?

106
00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:57,010
It seems to be necessary, Bernard.

107
00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:59,885
Government is seldom about
right or wrong.

108
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:02,327
It's about choosing the lesser evil.

109
00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:04,482
Well, it can be about right or wrong.

110
00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:06,722
Are you sure you're in the right job?

111
00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:10,804
I can easily arrange a transfer,
you know,

112
00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:13,531
to the archbishop of canterbury,
for instance.

113
00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:16,809
- You want to get rid of me?
- No, not get rid of you, Bernard.

114
00:06:16,880 --> 00:06:20,043
A sideways move. Find you a good home.

115
00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:23,123
Meanwhile, we have a crisis.

116
00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:25,771
- A moral crisis.
- A survival crisis,

117
00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:28,127
which is much more serious.

118
00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:31,648
I have to survive this weekend
and stay in power.

119
00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:36,282
If I don't, I can't do all the things
that the people elected me to do.

120
00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:40,604
The health service,
schools, all that crap.

121
00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:47,565
I have a moral obligation to do
whatever is necessary to stay in power.

122
00:06:47,680 --> 00:06:50,490
I'm not sure the end
justifies the means.

123
00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:53,201
Look where that philosophy leads.

124
00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:56,648
Stalin wanted all the farms in
the Ukraine collectivised.

125
00:06:56,920 --> 00:06:58,684
He thought there'd be more food.

126
00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:00,370
The peasant farmers opposed him.

127
00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:04,490
So, he ordered
all 5 million of them to be killed.

128
00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:08,683
Actually, if you kill
5 million people, there is more food.

129
00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:12,010
Does that make it right?

130
00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:14,287
Depends whether or not
you're one of the 5 million.

131
00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:18,326
Where did you go?

132
00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:21,847
I heard a dog bark out there.
It belongs to the cook.

133
00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:26,045
I'd forgotten about the cook.
What are we doing about her?

134
00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:29,010
That was cook's daughter out there
walking the dog.

135
00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:31,209
Her 18-year-old daughter.

136
00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:37,921
- Are you suggesting?
- I know there's only one of her.

137
00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:42,604
But she's very attractive. And it would
show mr Aitikeev that we're trying.

138
00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:44,648
- Would it?
- An illegal immigrant.

139
00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:46,085
Exactly want you wanted.

140
00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:47,924
Did you tell her what we want her to do?

141
00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:49,604
Well, sort of hinted at it.

142
00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:51,569
Well, what precisely did you hint?

143
00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:53,961
Oh, a hint can't be precise,
prime minister. Because by definition...

144
00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:55,280
Bernard!

145
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:59,286
Sex with a very rich and powerful man.
She seems interested.

146
00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:05,050
It's for britain, right?

147
00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:08,251
It's the right thing to do, right?

148
00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:11,085
Jim, you were the one that said
it would be patriotic.

149
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:14,727
But, but she's a foreigner.
It can't be patriotic for her.

150
00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:16,649
Well, it will be when her papers
come through.

151
00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:19,166
You'll be giving her the chance
to serve her new country.

152
00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:21,447
An active of retrospective patriotism.

153
00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:23,443
Shut up, Bernard.

154
00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:27,284
Claire, the answer is...

155
00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:30,409
"Pm pimps cook's daughter for sex
at chequers."

156
00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:38,211
No! I just can't go through with it.
Her mother is a member of my staff.

157
00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:41,002
- Okay.
- Claire, wait.

158
00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:44,450
- What if see tells her mother?
- Oh, I took care of that.

159
00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:45,726
I asked her if she'd heard of

160
00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:47,564
the immigration detention centre
at Harmondsworth.

161
00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:50,769
I said, "if you ever tell anyone
about this, including your mother,

162
00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:54,128
"that's where you'll end up."
Biggest possible threat.

163
00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:57,966
Bernard, phone the home secretary.

164
00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:01,965
- Get citizenship for the cook.
- Why?

165
00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:04,448
Because what if she does
tell her mother?

166
00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:05,601
Maybe she won't.

167
00:09:05,680 --> 00:09:08,809
But if she does,
how would the mother react?

168
00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:11,483
How would you react if you were
her mother?

169
00:09:11,560 --> 00:09:14,962
You know, I wonder if I might
be pleased. It would...

170
00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:19,561
It would give me the leverage
to get a work permit.

171
00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:22,287
How many drinks have you had,
prime minister?

172
00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:23,731
Just the one.

173
00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:27,641
- Okay, she's gone.
- Thank God!

174
00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:31,281
To get the cook a work permit,
she'll need to have special skills.

175
00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:35,160
She makes great dumplings.
I don't bloody care!

176
00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:37,163
Phone the home secretary now.

177
00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:39,561
- Now?
- Yes, now, damn it!

178
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:51,686
Hello, home secretary.
Sorry to call you so late.

179
00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:55,168
You were just having a night cap.

180
00:09:55,240 --> 00:09:56,366
Good.

181
00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:59,689
The pm wanted me to call you about
the cook at chequers.

182
00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:02,682
We've just discovered that
she's an illegal immigrant

183
00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:06,048
and he wants her to be given
a uk visa immediately.

184
00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:09,769
Oh, I think because
the pm likes her dumplings.

185
00:10:11,120 --> 00:10:14,966
No, home secretary,
that wasn't a sexist remark.

186
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:17,166
I see.

187
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:19,531
Thank you.

188
00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:24,322
I'm sorry, prime minister. I think
the home secretary's had a few.

189
00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:27,609
It's never any use trying to call her
after 6:00 P.M.

190
00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:31,883
Prime minister, do you think
we'd better let the ambassador know

191
00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:33,883
we can't get any girls for Aitikeev?

192
00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:36,289
Yes. Go and get him.

193
00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:38,004
Yes, prime minister.

194
00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:42,721
Yes?

195
00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:44,161
Who?

196
00:10:47,560 --> 00:10:51,121
Oh, yes! We all loved your goulash
and dumplings this evening.

197
00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:57,688
Yes, yes.

198
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:02,089
I'll call you back.

199
00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:11,761
The cook's daughter
has talked to her mother.

200
00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:14,923
- Already?
- The cook wants to talk to you, Jim.

201
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:17,920
No, I'm not answering it. You get it.

202
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:20,765
- I don't know what to say!
- Just get it.

203
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:23,320
You started this. It's all your fault.

204
00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:25,368
The ambassador's coming.

205
00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:40,046
Yes?

206
00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:42,881
Yes.

207
00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:49,124
My God! Where did you get this?

208
00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:51,929
Yes, of course, I deny it.

209
00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:55,010
There's absolutely no foundation
at all to that story.

210
00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:57,727
No, of course, you can't quote me.

211
00:11:58,040 --> 00:12:01,840
I'm not going to dignify
that sort of rubbish with a comment.

212
00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:07,610
<i>It seems that the cook has talked
to the daily mail.</i>

213
00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:11,565
She only just phoned here!
...Well, she just phoned there, too.

214
00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:14,849
Oh, my God!

215
00:12:14,920 --> 00:12:17,890
Can we buy them off with the promise
of some future policy scoop?

216
00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:22,010
Of course not! It's a newspaper. They're
interested in sex, not government.

217
00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:25,048
Prime minister,
I think you'd better talk to the cook.

218
00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:27,168
We have to stop this going any further.

219
00:12:27,240 --> 00:12:31,404
I don't talk to ordinary people
unless there's an election going on.

220
00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:34,563
If you don't, goodness knows...

221
00:12:34,640 --> 00:12:37,928
Just phone her back and ask her
what the bloody hell she wants.

222
00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:39,729
What is this all about?

223
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:47,243
Yes. It's the prime minister's
principal private secretary here.

224
00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:50,563
Unfortunately, the prime minister is
too busy to talk to you at the moment.

225
00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:53,405
So, can you please tell me
what it is you want?

226
00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:54,961
I see.

227
00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:57,726
I see.

228
00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:01,241
I see.

229
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:05,361
I see.

230
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:12,004
She's discovered that the
newspapers will give her cash

231
00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:15,527
if her daughter will describe
what happened tonight in her own words.

232
00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:16,931
Which are?

233
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:18,968
That some woman...

234
00:13:19,560 --> 00:13:23,007
Approached her in the garden
and asked her to have sex...

235
00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:26,368
With you, prime minister.

236
00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:28,241
Sex?

237
00:13:28,680 --> 00:13:32,241
She said Claire asked this girl
if she would have sex with me?

238
00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:35,085
- Is that true?
- No, of course it's not!

239
00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:37,089
I'm just telling you what she...

240
00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:39,640
- It's an outrageous lie.
- I'm merely the messenger.

241
00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:42,530
It was her idea.
I always said it would be a disaster.

242
00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:45,883
- How much does she want?
- I don't know. I forgot to ask.

243
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:49,843
Prime minister, I believe I know
how to deal with this.

244
00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:51,684
- May I?
- Yes, please!

245
00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:53,131
All right.

246
00:13:53,680 --> 00:13:55,364
We have to stop this going public.

247
00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:56,930
Oh, brilliant!

248
00:13:57,400 --> 00:13:59,402
Got any more bright ideas?

249
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:01,762
<i>Look as far as the mail knows,
it could be a scam.</i>

250
00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:05,442
If we deny it and they still run the
story, we slap a libel writ on them

251
00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:07,648
and clean up financially,
and deport the cook.

252
00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:10,724
Yes, she's not important
in the great scheme of things.

253
00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:13,929
- Who is?
- Well, I am, actually.

254
00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:17,329
What are we going say to the press?

255
00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:19,687
We say we can't talk about it.
National security.

256
00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:23,685
But how do we describe procuring sex
with the cook's daughter

257
00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:26,923
- as national security?
- We don't talk about that.

258
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:29,287
But that's what
they'll want to talk about.

259
00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:32,045
Oh, for God's sake, Jim. You don't
give journalists what they want.

260
00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:33,884
It only encourages them!

261
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:37,004
Oh, my God.

262
00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:40,249
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

263
00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:43,529
What am I going to do?
What am I going to do?

264
00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:45,602
What am I going to do?

265
00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:48,487
We can't ignore the facts.

266
00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:50,403
If you can't ignore facts,
prime minister,

267
00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:52,847
you've got no business
being in government.

268
00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:56,363
Ah, prime minister. Oh!

269
00:14:56,880 --> 00:14:57,961
What?

270
00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:02,201
Uh...

271
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:06,764
- Prime minster?
- Piss off!

272
00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:09,241
Oh! Prime minister it's done.

273
00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:12,483
The cook and her daughter
were upstairs in their accommodation.

274
00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:15,325
At your request,
the diplomatic protection group

275
00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:17,129
has taken them into protective custody,

276
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:20,283
and is going to turn them
over to the ministry of defence police.

277
00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:22,567
My request?
...Well, yes. I requested it,

278
00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:26,281
actually, on your behalf.
Under the prevention of terrorism act.

279
00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:32,050
You see, the mod police now have
the power to arrest, detain and then

280
00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:35,881
place a control order
upon anyone at all.

281
00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:39,362
Right. What does a control order
actually entail?

282
00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:41,807
Well, it's house arrest, usually.

283
00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:44,884
Plus, no access to mobile phones,
the Internet, or the media,

284
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:48,646
whenever they believe that lives
may be saved or injuries prevented

285
00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:51,041
by so doing. Lasts for up to a year,

286
00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:53,361
and, in effect,
it's infinitely renewable.

287
00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:55,727
Fine, impose a control order.

288
00:15:55,840 --> 00:15:58,844
No, prime minister,
the home secretary has to do that.

289
00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:00,285
Oh, not her.

290
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,169
Yes, with the approval
of the high court.

291
00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:03,287
Who says?

292
00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:05,169
The European convention on human rights.

293
00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:07,481
Oh, it's bloody Europe again.

294
00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:09,810
Taking away my rights.

295
00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:12,451
Actually taking away your rights,
prime minister,

296
00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:14,488
and increasing everybody else's.

297
00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:18,571
So they're entitled to a trial?
That's not fair.

298
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:24,324
Prime minister, broadly speaking,
this trial can be held in secret.

299
00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:27,246
And the judge cannot quash
the control order.

300
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,529
Unless it's found to be obviously flawed
and furthermore...

301
00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:33,206
The evidence against them
is never really challenged.

302
00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:35,886
- Why not?
- Because it's withheld.

303
00:16:36,760 --> 00:16:39,684
From them and from their lawyers.

304
00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:41,285
Oh, that's good!

305
00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:44,047
But we still have to make a deal
with the home secretary.

306
00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:45,531
Yes... well, I can try and get

307
00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:48,365
her private secretary to bounce it past
her one evening when she's had a few.

308
00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:51,603
- And if that doesn't work...
- We could leak

309
00:16:51,680 --> 00:16:56,163
that the home secretary has allowed an
illegal immigrant/suspected terrorist

310
00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:59,767
to get into this country,
to infiltrate chequers, and... yes.

311
00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:03,762
Drunk in charge at the home office.
I think that should do it.

312
00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:06,491
- She'll cooperate.
- Sir, at this point in time,

313
00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:09,211
the mod police just need the
allegation, prime minister.

314
00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:13,410
Are you prepared to state that the cook
and her daughter are in fact terrorists?

315
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:17,041
Me?

316
00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:20,647
No judge will want to declare
your allegation as obviously flawed.

317
00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:22,643
You are the prime minister,

318
00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:25,041
- prime minister.
- Yes, I am.

319
00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:28,000
And I am prepared

320
00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:31,403
to state the following, categorically.

321
00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:34,001
Urn...

322
00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:36,890
I can't do it.

323
00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:39,327
I think you are prepared to state
to the police that

324
00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:41,641
both the cook
and her daughter are in fact

325
00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:45,441
in possession of information,
which, if it were known,

326
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:48,091
could lead to a rapid escalation
of violence

327
00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:50,686
and the loss of thousands of lives
in the ongoing war.

328
00:17:50,760 --> 00:17:52,091
Yes, I am.

329
00:17:52,360 --> 00:17:54,408
That's actually even true.

330
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:58,124
Make a note of what you said.
I'll sign it in the morning.

331
00:17:58,200 --> 00:17:59,247
Good.

332
00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:00,367
Oh.

333
00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:02,961
The ambassador, sir Humphrey.
Casual again?

334
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:04,326
Yes, yes.

335
00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:12,483
Ah, do come in. The kumranistan
ambassador, prime minister.

336
00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:15,245
Come in, come in. Please do sit down.

337
00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:20,605
Oh, I'm not going to
beat about the bush. I'm afraid...

338
00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:22,763
You'll have to tell mr Aitikeev

339
00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:26,401
that we haven't been able to find
any suitable...

340
00:18:28,680 --> 00:18:29,761
Candidates.

341
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:32,367
He's guessed that by now,
prime minister.

342
00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:35,922
I'm afraid that half an hour ago,
he informed our president

343
00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:39,323
that he did not find you sympathetic
to our national aspirations.

344
00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:42,444
The pipeline deal is,
I'm afraid, no more.

345
00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:45,360
Oh, really.
Well, you can tell your mr Aitikeev

346
00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:47,761
if he withdraws from the
pipeline agreement,

347
00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:52,050
all those weapon systems we sold you
will be cancelled. Forthwith.

348
00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:55,007
But we have them already,
prime minister.

349
00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:56,881
Have you?

350
00:18:56,960 --> 00:19:00,567
Well, we'll stop supplying the spare
parts. They'll be useless within months.

351
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:03,405
Full of sand. Probably are already.

352
00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:04,766
It won't matter, prime minister.

353
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:06,922
We are making a new
weapons agreement with the Russians.

354
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:08,764
You are? You may go.

355
00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:13,807
And please inform mr Aitikeev
that Great Britain is breaking off

356
00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:16,167
diplomatic relations with your country.

357
00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:18,642
- Are you serious?
- Yes, I am.

358
00:19:18,880 --> 00:19:22,009
I am giving you 48 hours
to get to Heathrow.

359
00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:24,401
What do you think I am? A snail?

360
00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:30,243
Prime minister, was that wise?

361
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:32,527
I don't know.

362
00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:35,689
And I no longer care.

363
00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:45,805
I think I lost my moral compass tonight.

364
00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:51,564
I'll tell you one thing. This incident
will not be in my memoirs.

365
00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:54,531
Of course not.
Memoirs are not the truth.

366
00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:56,683
They're the case for the defence.

367
00:19:57,640 --> 00:20:00,405
I think Humphrey's right. It's all over.

368
00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:02,241
Bernard,

369
00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:05,324
tomorrow morning arrange for me
to see the queen.

370
00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:08,248
And offer my resignation.

371
00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:10,563
I'm so sorry, prime minister.

372
00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:15,368
Oh, God!

373
00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:17,442
No, prime minister, just me.

374
00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:23,086
I have returned with the answer to
all your problems.

375
00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:27,731
- Global warming!
- I thought you were against it.

376
00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:31,088
Everybody is against it, prime minister.
I suddenly realised

377
00:20:31,320 --> 00:20:32,970
that is the beauty of it.

378
00:20:33,040 --> 00:20:36,522
We can get a unanimous agreement with
all of our European partners

379
00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:38,170
to do something about it.

380
00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:40,891
But how can we do something about
something that isn't happening?

381
00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:43,770
It's much easier to solve an imaginary
problem than a real one.

382
00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:45,806
- Do you believe it's real?
- Do you?

383
00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:47,120
- I don't know.
- Neither do I.

384
00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:48,690
Haven't got the faintest idea.

385
00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:51,563
But it doesn't matter what we think.

386
00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:55,201
If everyone else thinks it's real,
they'll all want to stop it,

387
00:20:55,280 --> 00:20:56,930
so long as it doesn't cost too much.

388
00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:58,764
So the question now is,

389
00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:01,411
what are we going to do about it?

390
00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:04,211
But if it isn't happening,
what can we do about it?

391
00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:06,487
Oh, there's so much we can do,
prime minister.

392
00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:10,128
We can impose taxes,
we can stiffen European rules

393
00:21:10,240 --> 00:21:12,208
about carbon emissions,
rubbish disposal.

394
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:14,323
We can make massive investments in,

395
00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:16,205
in wind turbines.

396
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:18,408
We can, in fact, prime minister,

397
00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:21,564
under your leadership, agree

398
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:24,248
to save the world.

399
00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:28,930
Well, I like that.

400
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:32,922
But Russia, India, China, Brazil...
They'll never cooperate.

401
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:35,526
They don't have to. We simply ask them
to review their emissions policy.

402
00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:36,647
And will they?

403
00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:39,007
Yes. And then they'll decide
not to change it.

404
00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:41,890
So we'll set up
a series of international conferences.

405
00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:44,168
Meanwhile, prime minister,

406
00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:47,723
you can talk
about the future of the planet.

407
00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:49,281
Yes.

408
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:53,568
You can look statesman-like.

409
00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:58,004
And it'll be 50 years before anybody
can possibly prove you're wrong.

410
00:21:58,120 --> 00:22:00,009
And you can explain away
anything you've said before

411
00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:01,844
by saying
the computer models were flawed.

412
00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:04,048
The voters will love me.

413
00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:05,924
You'll have more government expenditure.

414
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:08,321
Yes. How will we pay for it?
We're broke.

415
00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:11,887
We impose a special global warming tax
on fuel now,

416
00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:15,521
but we phase in
the actual expenditure gradually,

417
00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:17,040
say, over 50 years.

418
00:22:17,120 --> 00:22:18,645
That'll get us out of the hole now.

419
00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:21,326
The Germans will be pleased.
They have a big green movement.

420
00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:23,164
And we can even get the frogs on board.

421
00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:25,163
As long as they get more benefits
than everyone else.

422
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:28,446
Okay, my broadcast is on Sunday morning.

423
00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:31,285
You have a day
to get the conference to agree.

424
00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:34,085
Oh, that's not a problem.
The delegates will be desperate

425
00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:35,764
for something to announce
when they get home.

426
00:22:36,360 --> 00:22:38,169
- There is one problem.
- Huh?

427
00:22:38,280 --> 00:22:40,282
Nothing will have actually
been achieved.

428
00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:42,562
It will sound as though it has.

429
00:22:43,360 --> 00:22:45,283
So people will think it has.

430
00:22:45,360 --> 00:22:48,284
That's all that matters.

431
00:22:50,440 --> 00:22:51,521
Clear set, please.

432
00:22:55,360 --> 00:22:59,331
So, to summarise there is a
deepening financial crisis,

433
00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:00,925
division in the cabinet,

434
00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:04,129
opinion polls are at their lowest
for seven years,

435
00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:06,407
government borrowing
at an all-time high,

436
00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:09,450
and apparently no agreement
on what to do about it all

437
00:23:09,520 --> 00:23:11,488
at the Lancaster house
summit conference.

438
00:23:12,120 --> 00:23:16,409
Today's papers are asking if
Jim hacker's government can survive.

439
00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:20,008
I am here, in chequers,
live with the prime minister.

440
00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:21,445
Can you survive, prime minister?

441
00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:25,766
Of course. All governments
go through difficult patches.

442
00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:28,764
Yes, but this is more than just
a difficult patch, isn't it?

443
00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:32,401
It's a world problem. It obviously
has repercussions on the uk.

444
00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:35,802
But it is worse here
than almost anywhere else, isn't it?

445
00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:38,565
Would you excuse me a moment?
I've been waiting for this.

446
00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:44,764
I think you'll find this puts
a very different complexion on things.

447
00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:48,162
It is perhaps the most momentous
document you'll ever see.

448
00:23:48,240 --> 00:23:49,651
May we know what it is?

449
00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:52,041
It is the final communique
from the conference.

450
00:23:52,120 --> 00:23:53,360
A binding agreement on

451
00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:56,649
all members of the European union
to devote unprecedented sums

452
00:23:56,720 --> 00:23:59,041
to the battle against global warming.

453
00:23:59,120 --> 00:24:02,090
Now, Simon,
you saw the latest ipcc reports

454
00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:05,562
that the situation is not only
far more serious than we thought,

455
00:24:05,840 --> 00:24:08,923
but also deteriorating far more quickly.

456
00:24:09,120 --> 00:24:11,248
That was one of the things
I was coming to.

457
00:24:11,320 --> 00:24:14,210
But if we could talk first
about the level of debt.

458
00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:16,328
I obviously haven't made myself clear.

459
00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:18,926
I am not talking about
day-to-day issues.

460
00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:22,527
I am talking about
the survival of life on this planet.

461
00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:25,926
Now, I do realise

462
00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:28,401
you have to try to score
your little political points.

463
00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:29,527
That's your job,

464
00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:33,969
but the new findings on global warming
make all other issues insignificant.

465
00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:36,561
You can't call
our debt level insignificant.

466
00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:39,723
Simon, you can chase all
the little preoccupations

467
00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:41,131
of daily journalism.

468
00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:43,123
As prime minister,

469
00:24:43,200 --> 00:24:45,123
I have to look
to the future of the country,

470
00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:47,647
and of the world,
not tomorrow's headlines.

471
00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:50,929
But 10, 20, 50 years ahead.

472
00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:53,846
A heavy responsibility.

473
00:24:57,280 --> 00:25:00,443
This momentous document commits Europe

474
00:25:00,520 --> 00:25:04,081
to an investment of �5 trillion
to stop global warming.

475
00:25:04,280 --> 00:25:06,601
How can we possibly afford to spend
that sum of money?

476
00:25:06,680 --> 00:25:08,682
We can't afford not to.

477
00:25:08,760 --> 00:25:10,171
But if the money's not there...

478
00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:13,767
We are faced with
a catastrophic rise in sea levels,

479
00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:16,889
torrential storms, melting ice caps,

480
00:25:16,960 --> 00:25:19,850
widespread hunger, mass migration.

481
00:25:19,960 --> 00:25:22,406
- Are you sure?
- Computer models don't lie.

482
00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:24,050
They have no ulterior motive.

483
00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:26,968
�5 trillion?

484
00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:30,886
Over time.
In the early years, it will be less.

485
00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:34,169
Of course, we still have
much research to do on

486
00:25:34,240 --> 00:25:36,720
new fast breeder reactors, bio fuels.

487
00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:39,804
Even so,
surely taxes will have to go up.

488
00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:41,166
People won't like that.

489
00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:44,210
Simon, people aren't as selfish
as you think they are.

490
00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:48,207
They are worried about their children,

491
00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:51,164
about their grandchildren,

492
00:25:51,240 --> 00:25:53,607
about the future of mankind.

493
00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:57,527
And if that means doing
without a gas guzzler

494
00:25:57,600 --> 00:26:00,524
or a fourth plasma TV set,

495
00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:02,887
I think that's a sacrifice
most people are willing to make.

496
00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:06,123
Prime minister, I did want to
talk to you about cabinet division.

497
00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:09,727
There is no cabinet division
on the survival of our species.

498
00:26:12,120 --> 00:26:16,205
My cabinet is committed to making
this investment in 20 years' time.

499
00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:18,290
They won't be in office then.

500
00:26:18,360 --> 00:26:20,840
I think that's an unworthy remark.

501
00:26:21,440 --> 00:26:24,171
Are you saying that a government
can't make commitments

502
00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:25,605
beyond the immediate future?

503
00:26:25,680 --> 00:26:27,045
No, but 20 years?

504
00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:30,528
We are looking at an historic consensus.

505
00:26:30,600 --> 00:26:34,002
The agreement of every single member
of the European union.

506
00:26:34,240 --> 00:26:38,928
<i>It will stand alongside the magma carta,</i>

507
00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:44,124
<i>and the American
declaration of independence.</i>

508
00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:50,289
Okay, to move on quickly...

509
00:26:50,360 --> 00:26:53,648
And if I might just strike
a personal note,

510
00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:56,969
I would like to say
how humble it makes me

511
00:26:57,040 --> 00:26:59,088
to think that I,
as President of the commission,

512
00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:01,766
was able to
bring about this historic agreement

513
00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:04,650
which, quite frankly, transcends

514
00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:09,243
any achievement
by any post-war government.

515
00:27:10,600 --> 00:27:13,804
It is deeply humbling.

516
00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:15,891
Thank you, prime minister.

517
00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:17,845
Until next week,

518
00:27:18,280 --> 00:27:19,486
goodbye

519
00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:23,011
well,

520
00:27:26,440 --> 00:27:28,010
Simon,

521
00:27:28,520 --> 00:27:31,205
you certainly know how to do
a tough interview.

522
00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:33,325
Thank you, prime minister.

523
00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:39,761
Oh, magnificent, prime minister.

524
00:27:39,840 --> 00:27:41,569
I think you got away with it, Jim.

525
00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:43,563
But the cabinet
will have been pretty surprised.

526
00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:45,170
We'll have to square them fast.

527
00:27:49,400 --> 00:27:50,606
Bubbles.

528
00:27:53,320 --> 00:27:55,971
We're not there yet.
After that interview,

529
00:27:56,040 --> 00:27:58,281
you'll need to announce
some pretty impressive action.

530
00:27:58,360 --> 00:27:59,771
- An initiative.
- Yes.

531
00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:01,410
- A working party?
- Bit lightweight.

532
00:28:01,480 --> 00:28:03,403
- A taskforce?
- Not sure.

533
00:28:03,480 --> 00:28:04,845
Do we have enough in the kitty?

534
00:28:04,920 --> 00:28:06,968
Well, it could be one of those
initiatives that you announce,

535
00:28:07,040 --> 00:28:08,485
but never actually spend the money.

536
00:28:08,560 --> 00:28:10,324
Great. Like the one on child poverty.

537
00:28:11,080 --> 00:28:13,082
Maybe it should be
a government committee.

538
00:28:13,160 --> 00:28:15,083
Or what about a royal commission?

539
00:28:15,320 --> 00:28:18,290
Yes, it won't report for three years

540
00:28:18,360 --> 00:28:19,885
and, if we put the right people on it,

541
00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:21,923
they'll never agree
about anything important.

542
00:28:22,560 --> 00:28:24,210
Right, a royal commission.

543
00:28:24,280 --> 00:28:25,805
Er, no, wait a minute.
That makes it sound

544
00:28:25,880 --> 00:28:27,769
as if we think it's important,
but not urgent.

545
00:28:27,920 --> 00:28:30,924
Well, what about a global warming Tsar?

546
00:28:31,160 --> 00:28:33,322
Fine. Would that do it?

547
00:28:33,440 --> 00:28:36,125
No, I think it might need
a bit more than that, prime minister.

548
00:28:36,280 --> 00:28:38,647
It'll mean announcing quite a big unit,

549
00:28:38,720 --> 00:28:41,166
and, uh,
an impressive salary for the Tsar

550
00:28:41,520 --> 00:28:44,205
to show how much
importance you place upon him.

551
00:28:44,280 --> 00:28:45,645
No problem. Who would it be?

552
00:28:45,720 --> 00:28:48,769
Ah, well, it can't be a political
figure, that would be too divisive.

553
00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:50,729
It has to be somebody impartial.

554
00:28:50,880 --> 00:28:53,167
- You mean a judge?
- No, somebody from the real world.

555
00:28:54,160 --> 00:28:57,209
Somebody who knows
how to operate the levers of power,

556
00:28:57,560 --> 00:29:00,166
to engage the gears
of the whitehall machine,

557
00:29:00,440 --> 00:29:02,647
to drive the engine of government.

558
00:29:02,720 --> 00:29:04,882
That's quite a tall order.

559
00:29:04,960 --> 00:29:06,610
Anybody got any ideas?

560
00:29:09,680 --> 00:29:11,125
Humphrey.

561
00:29:11,440 --> 00:29:12,487
Hmm?

562
00:29:12,560 --> 00:29:13,607
Could you?

563
00:29:14,160 --> 00:29:15,321
Oh.

564
00:29:16,320 --> 00:29:17,810
Yes, prime minister.