1 00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:35,564 Humphrey says I've no choice but to resign. 2 00:00:35,880 --> 00:00:37,086 I don't agree. 3 00:00:37,160 --> 00:00:39,606 We can still pull the chestnuts out of the fire. 4 00:00:39,680 --> 00:00:41,489 But maybe sir Humphrey's overreacting. 5 00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:44,724 Maybe the country doesn't realise just how hopeless things are. 6 00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:47,966 Thanks for those encouraging remarks, Bernard. 7 00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:49,121 Shall we find out? 8 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:53,606 1 should be talking to the prime minister at chequers 9 00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:57,367 trying to find out the answer to the question everyone is asking, 10 00:00:57,480 --> 00:01:02,486 �how long can this government coalition lurch from one disaster to the next 11 00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:05,161 �without dealing with the level of debt, the euro...� 12 00:01:05,280 --> 00:01:07,328 shut up! 13 00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:10,882 You try and do better! I'm only human. 14 00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:13,571 Empfoymenz' figures and a whofe raft of manifest... 15 00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:18,884 - Oh, it's so humid. - Yes, clammy. 16 00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:19,961 Hope it rains. 17 00:01:20,240 --> 00:01:23,528 If we could find a way to keep mr Aitikeev happy, 18 00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:26,126 then Europe would get the loan from kumranistan 19 00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:28,567 and all these problems would be solved. 20 00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:33,329 The financial summit would be saved, Europe would be saved. 21 00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:35,880 And I'd be a hero. 22 00:01:37,120 --> 00:01:40,363 That means getting three call girls here for Aitikeev. 23 00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:41,966 It's pretty late. 24 00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:44,008 If we're gonna do that, we'd better get on with it. 25 00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:46,610 Everything is further complicated by rumours 26 00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:48,921 that the deputy prime minister, Rory McAlister, 27 00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:51,003 the prime minister's junior coalition partner 28 00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:52,923 who leads the Scottish mps at westminster, 29 00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:55,651 is thinking of abandoning the sinking ship. 30 00:01:56,640 --> 00:02:00,008 He's a rat. Why wouldn't he abandon the sinking ship? 31 00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:03,126 It's not sinking. Well, not yet. 32 00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:07,645 Thank goodness Rory mcaliste?S not here tonight as well. 33 00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:10,725 Ah, prime minister, the deputy prime minister has arrived. 34 00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:13,961 Rory McAlister! He's here? Why? 35 00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:16,123 Well, he said he needed an urgent meeting with you. 36 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:17,247 It's in your diary. 37 00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:18,600 At this hour? 38 00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:21,445 Well, we had to postpone him because of the mr Aitikeev crisis. 39 00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:24,683 God, that is all I need. 40 00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:27,367 All right, show him into the white parlour. 41 00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:29,324 Yes, prime minister. 42 00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:32,326 - Do you know what he wants? - More money for Scotland. 43 00:02:32,480 --> 00:02:34,767 And more power for the Scottish first minister. 44 00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:41,365 - Rory, so good of you to come. - Jim. Jim, Jim. 45 00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:46,128 And you know Claire, don't you? Head of the policy unit at number 10. 46 00:02:46,640 --> 00:02:49,405 Ah! How are things going? 47 00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:50,966 Well, isn't that for you to say? 48 00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:53,441 Well, as far as I'm concerned, they're going very well. 49 00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:56,361 Well, fairly well. 50 00:02:57,880 --> 00:03:02,807 Well, as well as can be expected. We're... we're managing. 51 00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:05,009 We're managing well. 52 00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:09,404 But I must say, how grateful we are for your loyal support. 53 00:03:09,640 --> 00:03:11,529 Well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about, Jim. 54 00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:12,801 Go ahead. 55 00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:18,649 My colleagues are being, how shall I put this? A wee bit restive. 56 00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:20,364 As in the natives are restless. 57 00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:24,849 Yes, an appropriate colonialist expression. 58 00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:29,968 Jim, you know you have my complete personal loyalty. 59 00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:31,121 You know that, don't you? 60 00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:38,206 Well, my colleagues are having problems with the coalition agreement. 61 00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:39,891 You said you were happy with it. 62 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:41,844 Well, I am, as an agreement. 63 00:03:42,360 --> 00:03:46,126 But it included a lot of undertakings which I see no sign... 64 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:50,524 Which my colleagues see no sign of... Of being fulfilled. 65 00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:52,689 Rory, these are early days, 66 00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:55,923 and we're in the middle of a massive financial crisis. 67 00:03:56,400 --> 00:04:00,769 We have to deal with first things first. Surely you can see that? 68 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:04,561 Well, I can see that, of course. But, my colleagues don't see it the same way. 69 00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:07,122 They're beginning to wonder about the coalition. 70 00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:09,049 You need it as much as we do. 71 00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:12,403 Oh, I'm not talking... my colleagues aren't talking, about, uh... 72 00:04:12,480 --> 00:04:13,891 About leaving the coalition. 73 00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:15,286 Well, that's all right then. 74 00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:18,284 They're just wondering if it has the right leadership. 75 00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:21,121 What? 76 00:04:21,440 --> 00:04:24,683 Oh, no reflection on you personally, Jim. No, no, no, no. 77 00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:30,209 It's just that, um, my colleagues all agree you're doing a fine job. 78 00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:34,725 Just some of them think that, maybe with a different leader, 79 00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:38,407 we might stand a better chance of getting the agreements implemented. 80 00:04:38,880 --> 00:04:43,249 Have you been put up to this by your opportunist boss in Edinburgh? 81 00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:44,771 Certainly not. 82 00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:46,491 Then what makes them think that? 83 00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:51,842 Well, I understand they've had certain conversations with certain people. 84 00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:53,081 Are you certain? 85 00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:54,366 Absolutely certain. 86 00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:58,209 That wouldn't be because you are that certain person, 87 00:04:58,280 --> 00:05:02,649 who's had these certain conversations with a certain chancellor 88 00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:04,802 or a certain foreign secretary. 89 00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:06,366 Certainly not. 90 00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:08,841 I'm very loyal. 91 00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:13,490 My colleagues tell me they've had certain indications from certain people 92 00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:15,369 that, in certain circumstances, 93 00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:20,123 it might be possible to have certain concessions met. 94 00:05:20,280 --> 00:05:21,327 Let's be straight about this. 95 00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:23,402 You've been conspiring with the foreign secretary 96 00:05:23,480 --> 00:05:26,768 or the chancellor to get rid of me and replace me with one of them. 97 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:28,450 No, no. It's just, uh... 98 00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:34,205 Well, certain people have had certain discussions about certain possibilities. 99 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:36,448 Treacherous bastards. 100 00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:39,165 Not you, mr McAlister. 101 00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:42,403 The prime minister was referring to the other treacherous bastards. 102 00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:45,687 Your colleagues are absolutely loyal to you, Jim. 103 00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:46,961 What's been suggested? 104 00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:49,401 Well, certain people have said to me... Said to my colleagues 105 00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:51,086 that they have, uh... 106 00:05:51,840 --> 00:05:55,083 They have no interest whatever in taking your job. 107 00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:56,407 But... 108 00:05:56,480 --> 00:05:59,563 That if they were persuaded, it was in the best interest of the country 109 00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:03,403 to take on the heavy burden which you are currently carrying, 110 00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:05,244 and carrying so gallantly, 111 00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:11,166 then, however deep their personal reservations and reluctance might be, 112 00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:13,288 they might feel obliged to... 113 00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:19,369 Well, override their private misgivings and accept the onerous responsibility 114 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,721 in the widest interests of the nation. 115 00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:23,726 Which nation? 116 00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:27,481 Our nation. 117 00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:32,406 Well, you can tell both his colleagues that they are not getting his job. 118 00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:34,649 Certain people have found quite a lot of members 119 00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:37,246 who'd be prepared to support them, if necessary. 120 00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:39,086 Mind you... 121 00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:40,601 Mind you, 122 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:44,847 there's a way you can make yourself invulnerable. 123 00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:48,165 - Oh, yes? - Mm-hmm. 124 00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:50,971 Jim, Scotland is a proud and unique nation. 125 00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:53,808 For 300 years, we've been occupied, 126 00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:56,248 labouring under the English yoke. 127 00:06:57,280 --> 00:07:01,205 Subdued, suppressed, subjected to an alien government. 128 00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:04,330 Alien! Are you referring to me as an alien? 129 00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:06,607 We'd better send you to the immigration detention centre 130 00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:08,409 at Harmondsworth, prime minister. 131 00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:18,328 All the important decisions that affect us are taken in London. 132 00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:21,407 Have you any idea what that feels like? 133 00:07:21,480 --> 00:07:23,926 Of course I have. All the important decisions that affect us 134 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:25,490 are taken in brussels. 135 00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:29,645 Jim, it's time to set the people of Scotland free. 136 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:32,291 Oh, they are free. 137 00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:34,727 As free as anyone else in the uk. 138 00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:36,926 Independence. 139 00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:40,970 Anyone who offered us that would be guaranteed 140 00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:44,601 the loyal, the undying support of my colleagues 141 00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:46,409 and the entire Scottish nation. 142 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:52,364 Rory, I entirely agree with you about the Scottish nation. Great people. 143 00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:55,525 Some of my best friends are Scottish. 144 00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:01,723 But, independence. I'm sure its time will come. 145 00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:05,327 But if any of my loyal cabinet colleagues are offering it to you, 146 00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:06,447 they're lying- 147 00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:08,443 well, there is a halfway house, you know, Jim. 148 00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:10,966 Well, you've got that already. Your own parliament. 149 00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:13,327 That's just a glorified borough council. 150 00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:15,001 Dear me. 151 00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:19,685 No, we pay all our taxes to you. You take your big cut off them. 152 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:23,163 Then you parcel our share into tiny little bits 153 00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:25,402 and tell us what we are to spend it on. 154 00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:28,846 Like pocket money for kids. 155 00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:31,401 That's how government works. That's what it does. 156 00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:34,768 Government is about taking money from the people and spending it. 157 00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:38,887 We do exactly the same to the English. 158 00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:42,328 But we want our taxes to go to Edinburgh, not London. 159 00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:44,131 We'd pass some of the revenue on to you 160 00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:46,487 for central government expenditure, of course. 161 00:08:46,680 --> 00:08:51,322 But the rest. The rest would be Scottish people spending Scottish money, 162 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:55,325 in Scotland on Scottish communities for Scottish needs. 163 00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:57,689 What could be wrong with that? 164 00:08:58,240 --> 00:08:59,321 Urn... 165 00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:04,769 They're going to hold a referendum next year. 166 00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:06,645 I haven't agreed to that. 167 00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:09,007 Well, this is a Scottish matter for the scots to vote on. 168 00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:10,320 It's none of your business. 169 00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:13,850 It's up to us to decide whether we want to stay in the United Kingdom. 170 00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:18,166 The future of Scotland is a matter for the Scottish people alone. 171 00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:19,685 Prime minister, wait a minute. 172 00:09:23,680 --> 00:09:25,808 Rory, I need to think about this for a moment. 173 00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:28,886 - I'm going to... - Take some soundings. 174 00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:30,401 Soundings. 175 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:37,009 Why would Humphrey want to help us? He won't care if they dumped me. 176 00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:38,889 He'll care about the breakup of the union. 177 00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:40,007 And if he doesn't? 178 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:42,321 He'll care when you tell him what Rory just said. 179 00:09:42,680 --> 00:09:45,889 That the first thing they'll do after they dump you is dump him. 180 00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:47,521 Rory didn't... 181 00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:49,807 Oh! 182 00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:52,803 Oh! 183 00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:55,087 Good idea. 184 00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:58,201 Do you think the government's really in danger, sir Humphrey? 185 00:09:58,280 --> 00:09:59,850 Of course not, Bernard. 186 00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:02,890 Well, things are looking pretty grim for the pm. He's very worried. 187 00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:04,490 The prime minister may be in trouble. 188 00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:11,444 The coalition may be in trouble, but the government's not in trouble. 189 00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:15,004 - But the coalition is the government. - No, Bernard, we are the government. 190 00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:18,805 - Yes, I know. - Bernard, the prime minister 191 00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:20,843 is our head of public relations. 192 00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:24,807 That's what the job actually is. 193 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:27,731 You're saying that politicians are really just useless puppets? 194 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:31,447 No, Bernard, they are vitally important puppets! 195 00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:36,081 Ah, good meeting, prime minister? 196 00:10:37,560 --> 00:10:39,483 Oh, not a good meeting, prime minister? 197 00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:40,921 Do you know what he wants? 198 00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:45,127 All of Scotland's resources to go to Scotland. 199 00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:48,727 Tax revenue to Edinburgh, not London. 200 00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:51,041 And if I won't agree, they'll kick me out 201 00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:53,726 and replace me with the foreign secretary or the chancellor. 202 00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:55,844 Oh, that would be a tragedy. 203 00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:59,247 And not just for me, for britain. 204 00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:03,081 Yes, indeed it would, prime minister, but we cannot give in on taxation. 205 00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:06,005 That would be the first step on a very slippery slope. 206 00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:08,720 I think perhaps you better tell him, prime minister. 207 00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:10,241 Tell me? What? 208 00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:13,803 McAlister says they'll be getting rid of you, too, Humphrey. 209 00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:18,609 It's their first priority. 210 00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:21,281 I said, I'd take soundings and get back to him. 211 00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:24,728 So, go ahead. Sound. 212 00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:26,086 Oh. 213 00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:29,490 - He wants independence for Scotland? - He does. 214 00:11:29,640 --> 00:11:30,721 Give it to him. 215 00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:33,841 So, keeping your job is more important 216 00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:35,684 than holding the United Kingdom together? 217 00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:40,961 That is very droll, dear lady. No. 218 00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:44,244 No, it's just that the balance of advantages and disadvantages 219 00:11:44,640 --> 00:11:48,042 of certain constitutional arrangements can become so unfavourable 220 00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:51,442 to the major entity as opposed to the minor or peripheral ethnicity, 221 00:11:51,560 --> 00:11:56,885 that a judicious, well, integration of possible disembarkation of the relations 222 00:11:57,080 --> 00:11:59,970 should be pre-emptively instigated by the former 223 00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:03,203 rather than attempting the perpetuation of a relationship which is inherently, 224 00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:06,165 and indeed, incontrovertibly prejudicial, 225 00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:09,449 both to our own personal political interest and economic prospects. 226 00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:15,081 - Bernard? - Sir Humphrey's fed up with the scots. 227 00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:20,087 What I don't get is, why do so many scots resent the English? 228 00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:21,441 Oh, prime minister. 229 00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:25,002 Resentment of the English is the only thing that holds Scotland together. 230 00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:28,569 Otherwise they'd be at each other's throats. 231 00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:31,850 You know, before the active union, the highlands fought the lowlands, 232 00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:35,044 catholics fought calvinists, dissenters fought anglicans, 233 00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:38,681 Campbells fought McDonalds, and now rangers fans fight Celtic fans. 234 00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:40,766 They just never stop. 235 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:44,681 But you think I should offer him independence, just like that? 236 00:12:45,080 --> 00:12:46,650 It'll scare the pants off him. 237 00:12:47,560 --> 00:12:49,528 Bernard, have you got that report? 238 00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:50,647 Oh, yes, sir Humphrey. 239 00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:53,610 He wants a referendum. Should he be allowed to have one? 240 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:55,046 Well, we never gave the Irish a referendum 241 00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:56,281 when we gave them independence. 242 00:12:56,720 --> 00:12:58,688 We didn't give independence to the whole of Ireland. 243 00:12:58,760 --> 00:12:59,841 If only we had. 244 00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:02,489 It would have saved so much trouble. 245 00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:06,449 The economics of Scottish independence report, prime minister. 246 00:13:06,520 --> 00:13:09,364 - Mm-hmm. - Now that, prime minister, is not 247 00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:12,006 for scotsmen of a nervous disposition. 248 00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:20,680 Sorry to keep you waiting, Rory. 249 00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:23,127 I think you'll find it was worth the wait. 250 00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:25,407 I think you'll be very happy with my decision. 251 00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:26,527 Oh, aye? 252 00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:29,683 Yes, time to set the Scottish people free, you said. 253 00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:32,206 And you know, I think you're right. 254 00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:33,765 Full independence. 255 00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:35,247 Yes, when the time is right. 256 00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:38,290 Oh, the time is now. Seize the day. 257 00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:42,650 I think we can get it through this parliament. 258 00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:46,007 Have you thought what you'll do afterwards? 259 00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:47,721 I'm sorry? 260 00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:50,564 Well, obviously you won't have a seat at westminster. 261 00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:52,085 You'll be from a foreign country. 262 00:13:52,560 --> 00:13:54,927 But I'm sure you'll find something. 263 00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:59,204 Will Scotland join the eu? 264 00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:01,724 We're already in the eu, Jim. 265 00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:03,724 No, we are. 266 00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:08,328 You won't be when you leave the uk. You'll have to apply for membership, 267 00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:11,007 which would mean, of course, joining the euro. 268 00:14:11,160 --> 00:14:12,844 But you won't mind that, will you? 269 00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:20,251 No, it's the economics that look like being a bit of a problem for you. 270 00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:26,441 You'll lose the 10 billion subsidy which whitehall hands you every year. 271 00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:31,681 Plus another 10 to 20 billion of Scottish costs which we pay directly. 272 00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:33,241 We're not worried. 273 00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:36,007 We'll have north sea oil to ourselves. 274 00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:39,209 You've been siphoning off all the revenues for years. 275 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:43,521 No, no, it's Scottish oil and once we get our full share, 276 00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:46,001 we won't have any economic problems. 277 00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:49,329 Well, actually, it's British oil. 278 00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:51,523 Our international lawyers say, 279 00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:55,321 that, as Scotland comprises eight percent of the uk population, 280 00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:59,291 she'll be entitled to eight percent of future oil revenues. 281 00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:03,200 Eight percent? 282 00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:06,762 And then there's Scotland's share of the national debt. 283 00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:08,487 National debt? 284 00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:13,808 Oh, yes, yes. It stands at 1.1 trillion. 285 00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:18,569 So, Scotland's eight percent would be 88 billion. 286 00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:21,681 No, the... 287 00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:27,761 The treasury say that the new, independent Scotland 288 00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:32,929 would start life with a debt of getting on for 200 billion pounds. 289 00:15:36,080 --> 00:15:40,324 Plus another 187 billion pounds 290 00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:43,167 of toxic assets from the royal bank of Scotland, 291 00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:44,526 which are also yours. 292 00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:49,569 You don't think I'm buying this nonsense, do you? 293 00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:52,321 It's just simple arithmetic. 294 00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:56,849 And if you put taxes up, all the big companies will move to england, 295 00:15:56,920 --> 00:16:01,403 so your revenue goes down and your debts go up. 296 00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:05,965 Independence is what we want. There's no compromise on that, Jim. 297 00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:07,610 Oh, absolutely not. 298 00:16:07,840 --> 00:16:13,688 But, but, in our referendum, we'll be proposing two alternatives. 299 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:15,250 - Uh-huh. - Independence now, 300 00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:18,449 or a sort of a halfway house. Getting there... 301 00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:21,603 Getting there gradually. After all, present circumstances, 302 00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:24,081 things being the way things are, and all the... 303 00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:28,449 All the considerations to be, well, considered. 304 00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:29,851 It might be wise to... 305 00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:34,084 To just, to take a wee bit of a, you know, a breather before we... 306 00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:37,523 Well, you can propose as many alternatives as you like 307 00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:39,011 in your referendum. 308 00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:42,084 We will propose only one option in ours. 309 00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:47,766 - In your what? - In our referendum. 310 00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:50,605 The uk referendum. We deserve a vote, too. 311 00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:53,810 On whether we want to keep subsidising the scots 312 00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:57,009 who are always complaining about being occupied. 313 00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:03,689 The rest of the uk doesn't see why there should be 70 scots mps 314 00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:06,286 at westminster voting on uk affairs. 315 00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:10,161 And there are no English, Irish or welsh mps in the Scottish parliament, 316 00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:11,526 which we pay for. 317 00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:14,246 And they don't see why the students in Scotland 318 00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:18,366 should get free university education, but English students don't. 319 00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:20,289 Even if they go to a Scottish university, 320 00:17:20,360 --> 00:17:22,124 which the English are paying for anyway. 321 00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:26,320 They don't see why they should pay prescription charges, 322 00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:27,965 but the scots don't. 323 00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:30,202 No, I have no doubt 324 00:17:30,360 --> 00:17:34,649 that the uk will vote for full independence. 325 00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:38,081 Now. 326 00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:41,727 Leave the welsh and the Irish out of this, right? 327 00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:46,642 They're struggling to overcome the legacy of English colonialism 328 00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:48,085 in their own way. 329 00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:51,687 The English don't care about Scotland, one way or the other. 330 00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:52,886 That may be true. 331 00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:57,682 What's also true is, when you gave us devolution, you gave us certain powers. 332 00:17:58,120 --> 00:18:01,567 You don't like our choices, so now you're having a wee tantrum. 333 00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:04,407 Threatening to go home and take your ball with you. 334 00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:08,246 Our polls show there's a bigger margin of support for Scottish independence 335 00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:10,322 in england than there is in Scotland. 336 00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:16,643 Can the bank of england remain the lender of last resort 337 00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:17,846 for Scottish banks? 338 00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:23,686 On the other hand, we don't have to have our referendum 339 00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:25,762 unless you have yours. 340 00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:31,210 It's not necessary because I'm offering you full independence. 341 00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:33,286 Right now. 342 00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:39,801 Now? What do you mean? This minute, now? 343 00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:42,401 Now? 344 00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:45,083 Well, you're not turning it down, are you? 345 00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:46,645 No! No. 346 00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:48,968 No! Urn... 347 00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:51,443 It's, it's, it's what we want, of course. 348 00:18:51,520 --> 00:18:53,124 In the fullness of time, certainly, 349 00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:54,645 these things have to be thought about. 350 00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:59,006 Thought about. There's no reason in... In rushing in. 351 00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:03,610 - But, I mean, when the... when the... - Time is ripe? 352 00:19:03,680 --> 00:19:05,045 Time is ripe. 353 00:19:05,120 --> 00:19:07,248 Yes, when the time is ripe. 354 00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:09,325 So, you are turning it down. 355 00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:11,529 Not exactly turning it down, no... 356 00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:15,770 Because if it got out that you'd been offered independence and refused it... 357 00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:22,290 Sometimes things like this can be difficult to keep under wraps. 358 00:19:22,360 --> 00:19:24,601 But, you have my solemn promise 359 00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:29,129 that not a word of this will ever get out as long as I'm prime minister. 360 00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:34,771 Thank you, Jim. 361 00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:38,809 Ah! How did it go, prime minister? 362 00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:40,644 - I still have my job. - And I? 363 00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:44,725 Yes, if we can solve this European debt crisis. 364 00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:48,442 But we can't unless we get three shady ladies for mr Aitikeev. 365 00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:51,365 Which means turning chequers into some sort of a high-class brothel. 366 00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:55,242 That would hardly be new, Bernard. Chequers has seen lots of prostitution. 367 00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:58,005 The only difference is, is that there would be people selling their bodies 368 00:19:58,080 --> 00:19:59,411 instead of their souls. 369 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:03,002 I wonder what the Americans would do about this. 370 00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:04,241 Shall we ask them? 371 00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:06,766 - Not the white house. - How about the CIA? 372 00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:08,651 I know somebody at the sharp end. 373 00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:12,686 Yes, hi, it's Claire Sutton. 374 00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:15,684 I'm fine, babe. How are you? 375 00:20:16,360 --> 00:20:17,646 I'm at chequers actually. 376 00:20:18,280 --> 00:20:19,805 Fine, but we have a problem 377 00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:22,121 and I wondered if you had a view or any suggestions. 378 00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:26,491 The conference here's been going fine till now, everyone's ready to agree. 379 00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:31,249 Urn, but now, unfortunately, mr Aitikeev... 380 00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:34,765 Yes, the little Kumranistani foreign minister. 381 00:20:34,840 --> 00:20:38,845 He's demanding that we get three escorts tonight for him to have an orgy. 382 00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:40,485 Yes, tricky. 383 00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:44,881 Otherwise the whole euro zone might implode with disastrous consequences 384 00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:46,769 for you as well as us. Any thoughts? 385 00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:49,369 We don't have people who do that. 386 00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:51,247 Do what? 387 00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:53,561 I am leaving. 388 00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:57,326 Get off that phone. Murdoch's people might have hacked it. 389 00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:01,200 Any other thoughts? 390 00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:03,769 I don't know, it's after 10:00 P.M. here, 391 00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:05,842 and we don't keep a vicar on the premises. 392 00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:08,531 - Now! - I've got to dash, the pm is calling me. 393 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:10,809 Call you later. Bye, bye. 394 00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:13,808 Assassination, is that what he was suggesting? 395 00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:15,609 I agree, it's not practical. 396 00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:18,570 It's impractical and immoral. 397 00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:20,888 We can't just go around murdering the leaders 398 00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:23,167 of democratically-elected foreign governments. 399 00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:24,651 But we have actually facilitated 400 00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:26,529 the Americans in this kind of operation, I believe. 401 00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:28,409 We've never done it ourselves. 402 00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:31,211 Well, maybe. You know, maybe, maybe we should consider it. 403 00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:33,602 - If it's what the people want. - Which people? 404 00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:35,524 Our people, Bernard. 405 00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:39,321 That's how democracy's defined. Giving the British people what they want. 406 00:21:39,520 --> 00:21:41,761 But what about the people of kumranistan? 407 00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:44,440 Are you saying British democracy trumps everyone else's? 408 00:21:44,680 --> 00:21:46,250 Well, obviously. 409 00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:52,444 But we can't assassinate him. It's wrong. It's unthinkable. 410 00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:53,966 It's corrupt. 411 00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:56,245 How would we do it, actually? 412 00:21:57,240 --> 00:22:00,289 It's not practical. We don't have the people to do that sort of thing. 413 00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:01,441 Are you sure? 414 00:22:01,760 --> 00:22:03,364 No, but I'm sure we don't have them here tonight. 415 00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:05,489 You mentioned something about a vicar. 416 00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:07,768 He suggested getting some religious input. 417 00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:11,083 Why do the yanks bring God into everything? 418 00:22:12,360 --> 00:22:14,010 He's on their side, isn't he? 419 00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:15,965 So what did he suggest? 420 00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:17,487 Pray. 421 00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:21,245 - Murder and prayer. - That's how they do things. 422 00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:23,371 Aren't Americans odd? 423 00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:25,968 Maybe it's not such a bad idea. 424 00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:28,524 - What? - Prayer. 425 00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:31,567 - You are kidding. - Why not? 426 00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:33,684 Blair and bush used to pray. 427 00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:35,728 And look where it got us. 428 00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:40,561 Bernard! 429 00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:45,401 No, no, wait. I need to think for a moment. 430 00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:48,563 I've never had to ask God's advice about whether or not to supply 431 00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:50,523 a trio of prostitutes before. 432 00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:54,089 - He might be offended. - Not with you, surely? 433 00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:55,650 Aitikeev is the sinner here. 434 00:22:55,720 --> 00:22:56,846 Well, that's right. 435 00:22:56,920 --> 00:23:01,050 And if God gives me the okay, then it can't be a sin. 436 00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:04,681 If he says no, I won't do it. So I'm in the clear either way. 437 00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:09,210 But I wouldn't use profane language to God, if I were you. 438 00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:11,170 You know, like the f-word. 439 00:23:12,520 --> 00:23:16,047 Don't actually say that Aitikeev wants to f three hookers. 440 00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:18,801 Thank you for those helpful comments. 441 00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:22,566 I'm just saying that it wouldn't be the norm, that's all. 442 00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:27,044 Bernard, I imagine God knows all the four letter words in every language. 443 00:23:27,120 --> 00:23:28,406 He's meant to be omniscient. 444 00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:30,967 In which case, he would know about all this already. 445 00:23:31,120 --> 00:23:33,168 In fact, he could be waiting to hear from me. 446 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:37,165 Then I shouldn't keep him waiting for too long, if I were you. 447 00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:40,050 He's probably got a lot of other stuff to deal with. 448 00:23:40,120 --> 00:23:41,326 Okay, 449 00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:43,164 but I am the prime minister of 450 00:23:43,240 --> 00:23:46,164 the United Kingdom of Great Britain and northern Ireland, 451 00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:48,760 and one of the presidents of the European union. 452 00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:52,368 I think he knows he has to find time for me when I need it. 453 00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:54,884 Well, we'll see, won't we? 454 00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:56,485 Come on, Claire. Come on. You, too. 455 00:23:56,880 --> 00:23:57,961 Come on! 456 00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:04,561 Oh, God, 457 00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:07,163 our rock in ages past, 458 00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:10,322 sorry I've been out of touch for a bit. 459 00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:14,291 We're all down here at chequers, 460 00:24:14,360 --> 00:24:17,728 as you know already, of course, being omniscient, 461 00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:21,961 ready to sign a pipeline contract 462 00:24:22,040 --> 00:24:25,487 which could save the eu from imploding. 463 00:24:25,920 --> 00:24:29,606 And now out of the clear, blue sky, 464 00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:32,923 mr Aitikeev has demanded 465 00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:34,531 et cetera, et cetera. 466 00:24:34,800 --> 00:24:36,040 You know it all. 467 00:24:36,120 --> 00:24:40,330 So, if we don't get him three, urn, 468 00:24:41,160 --> 00:24:42,764 call girls... 469 00:24:42,880 --> 00:24:44,530 Sorry about the language, lord. I was... 470 00:24:44,600 --> 00:24:46,602 I was trying to think of a nice way to put it, but 471 00:24:47,560 --> 00:24:48,721 if we, if we 472 00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:50,365 don't get them, 473 00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:54,809 he will renege, the conference will collapse, 474 00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:59,761 and the opportunity for agreement and harmony 475 00:24:59,840 --> 00:25:02,286 and peace on earth, 476 00:25:02,360 --> 00:25:04,044 well, in Europe anyway, 477 00:25:04,720 --> 00:25:06,006 will be lost. 478 00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:08,367 So, my question is, 479 00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:11,285 which is the greater evil, oh, lord? 480 00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:16,248 Is it really okay for me to authorise 481 00:25:17,120 --> 00:25:20,567 procuring three little scrubbers for him to have sex with? 482 00:25:21,080 --> 00:25:24,323 And I'm having trouble squaring that away. 483 00:25:24,760 --> 00:25:26,649 Oh, oh, and, by the way, 484 00:25:26,720 --> 00:25:29,769 if you do tell me to get him these girls, 485 00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:32,446 what do we do with them afterwards? Do we give them honours? 486 00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:36,484 I look forward to hearing from you 487 00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:39,763 at your earliest convenience. Amen. 488 00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:42,165 - Amen. - How was that? 489 00:25:42,360 --> 00:25:44,044 Clear, respectful. 490 00:25:44,120 --> 00:25:45,849 - Now what? - See if he answers. 491 00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:54,640 Maybe that was it. 492 00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:58,129 Don't be silly. A thunderstorm's been forecast since yesterday. 493 00:25:58,320 --> 00:26:00,402 If it is God, he sounds angry. 494 00:26:00,480 --> 00:26:02,323 Well, obviously. No way he'd approve. 495 00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:05,521 Sea? 496 00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:08,080 What I want to know is, if God does exist, 497 00:26:08,160 --> 00:26:10,288 why does he run the world like the home office? 498 00:26:10,360 --> 00:26:12,362 Claire, this is a serious problem. 499 00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:15,843 I agree. So, let's find a serious way of tackling it. 500 00:26:15,920 --> 00:26:19,242 We are trying prayer since we have no other ideas. 501 00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:20,685 "Okay? " Okay! 502 00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:25,562 Is God telling you to get hookers for mr Aitikeev or not. 503 00:26:35,200 --> 00:26:37,680 I think what he's saying is, 504 00:26:38,200 --> 00:26:39,884 "search your heart 505 00:26:40,040 --> 00:26:42,168 "and find a way to do what's right." 506 00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:46,444 That sounds like just the sort of thing he'd say. 507 00:26:49,160 --> 00:26:50,286 Do you know what? 508 00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:54,089 I see a way out of this hideous dilemma! 509 00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:55,607 Thank you, God! 510 00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:56,727 Are you all right? 511 00:26:56,880 --> 00:26:59,963 God has given me an inspiration! 512 00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:03,406 Why must they be British girls? 513 00:27:03,480 --> 00:27:04,686 What? 514 00:27:04,760 --> 00:27:06,967 Every time I have a meeting 515 00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:10,362 with the women and equality unit, or justice for women, 516 00:27:10,440 --> 00:27:14,001 they tell me there is a huge problem in our major cities 517 00:27:14,120 --> 00:27:15,884 with sex trafficking. 518 00:27:15,960 --> 00:27:19,726 Foreign girls brought over to London by the lorry load. 519 00:27:20,560 --> 00:27:21,641 - So... - I see. 520 00:27:21,720 --> 00:27:22,801 Get three of them. 521 00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:26,327 No family. No one will miss them, 522 00:27:26,400 --> 00:27:28,243 probably don't even speak English. 523 00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:32,328 That's it. We get girls that don't speak English. 524 00:27:33,360 --> 00:27:35,727 Then there's no way they can tell anyone anything. 525 00:27:36,120 --> 00:27:39,363 We give them to Aitikeev tonight, deport them tomorrow. 526 00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:40,521 It's done! 527 00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:41,766 It's perfect! 528 00:27:41,840 --> 00:27:43,569 What? How is that perfect? 529 00:27:43,640 --> 00:27:45,130 What about human rights? 530 00:27:45,200 --> 00:27:48,568 We protect our citizens. What is the matter with you? 531 00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:50,847 We'd be sex slave traffickers ourselves. 532 00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:55,130 Bernard, if some illegal immigrants 533 00:27:55,200 --> 00:27:59,762 are having sex with Aitikeev, I'm sorry about it. 534 00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:03,890 But if they're not British, they're not my problem. 535 00:28:06,800 --> 00:28:10,361 Bernard, you really are being a little bit sentimental. 536 00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:12,522 And none of this is my fault. 537 00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:15,520 If you want to blame somebody, go and talk to mr Aitikeev. 538 00:28:15,600 --> 00:28:16,647 But, no! 539 00:28:17,080 --> 00:28:18,286 You won't do that! 540 00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:20,488 Or come up with a better plan, 541 00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:22,961 or shut up and get it done. 542 00:28:23,040 --> 00:28:25,520 - I do not believe women are worthless. - What? 543 00:28:25,600 --> 00:28:26,726 When did Jim say that? 544 00:28:26,800 --> 00:28:28,450 I don't think women are worthless, 545 00:28:28,520 --> 00:28:30,363 it was foreigners I was talking about. 546 00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:35,524 Well, it seemed to me to be the implication of the whole discussion, 547 00:28:35,600 --> 00:28:37,364 of everything the ambassador said. 548 00:28:37,480 --> 00:28:40,927 And I, personally, am most reluctant to break the law 549 00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:42,485 and procure three foreign women 550 00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:44,927 for what seems to me an immoral purpose. 551 00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:46,126 Immoral? 552 00:28:46,200 --> 00:28:49,044 The future of Europe is at stake! 553 00:28:49,120 --> 00:28:52,010 The money supply, mass unemployment... 554 00:28:52,080 --> 00:28:53,650 I just think it's not right. 555 00:28:54,400 --> 00:28:58,371 This is a moral dilemma that I really don't know how to address. 556 00:29:00,440 --> 00:29:02,363 Are you refusing to cooperate? 557 00:29:02,640 --> 00:29:04,324 Well, it's not as if... 558 00:29:05,320 --> 00:29:06,481 Well... I mean... 559 00:29:07,440 --> 00:29:09,408 Well, actually... 560 00:29:10,280 --> 00:29:11,850 Yes, prime minister.