1 00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:38,500 In the bad old days, when India was full of millionaire Maharajas, these fellows 2 00:00:38,500 --> 00:00:41,200 used to bump off their wives with astonishing frequency. 3 00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:47,540 Oddly, they all used the same method, and very royal and Maharaja -ish it was. 4 00:00:48,340 --> 00:00:52,260 Not for them, a coarse bash on the head or a bloody running through with a sword 5 00:00:52,260 --> 00:00:53,600 or a slashing of the throat. 6 00:00:54,500 --> 00:00:56,740 They used tiger's whiskers. 7 00:00:57,340 --> 00:01:02,120 A Maharaja intent upon disposing of his wife would first go out and shoot a 8 00:01:02,120 --> 00:01:04,830 tiger. He would then cut off its whiskers. 9 00:01:05,510 --> 00:01:10,590 These whiskers, which were as sharp and spiky as slivers of glass, would be 10 00:01:10,590 --> 00:01:15,370 chopped up into small pieces and sprinkled on the Maharani's curry at 11 00:01:16,150 --> 00:01:20,970 When eaten, they would perforate the lining of her intestine and kill her off 12 00:01:20,970 --> 00:01:21,970 within two days. 13 00:01:22,790 --> 00:01:27,710 In other countries, tiger's whiskers are rather hard to come by, so we husbands 14 00:01:27,710 --> 00:01:29,930 have to use other, less refined methods. 15 00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:32,740 as you will see in a moment. 16 00:01:50,300 --> 00:01:51,820 Good night, Mr. Baggs. 17 00:01:52,060 --> 00:01:53,060 Good night, David. 18 00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:14,519 Good night, Mr. 19 00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:15,760 Boyle. Good night, Bronson. 20 00:03:43,150 --> 00:03:44,670 Isn't it time you settled your account? 21 00:03:45,610 --> 00:03:46,870 I came prepared. 22 00:03:47,690 --> 00:03:50,970 When this started, you had a sob story about helping some young drug addict. 23 00:03:51,350 --> 00:03:53,310 Read tape about over -prescribing. 24 00:03:53,550 --> 00:03:56,330 That young addict doesn't seem to be responding to your treatment. 25 00:03:58,530 --> 00:03:59,890 I'll tell you the truth, John. 26 00:04:02,170 --> 00:04:07,090 We doctors are sorely tempted, you know, only to look at our suicide rate. 27 00:04:08,690 --> 00:04:10,290 I got hooked on the stuff myself. 28 00:04:11,130 --> 00:04:12,130 That's what I thought. 29 00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:13,179 All along. 30 00:04:13,180 --> 00:04:14,440 I take risks for you. 31 00:04:14,820 --> 00:04:16,160 And I pay for them. 32 00:04:16,839 --> 00:04:20,300 It's been simple to oblige you so far, but one day someone's going to count the 33 00:04:20,300 --> 00:04:21,459 tablet they get in a bottle. 34 00:04:21,740 --> 00:04:24,560 Most of the people on these are too confused, disturbed to count. 35 00:04:26,240 --> 00:04:31,640 And I suppose my little contribution helps with your... With my... 36 00:04:31,640 --> 00:04:37,080 Inflation must have made adultery impossibly expensive. How's your wife? 37 00:04:37,740 --> 00:04:39,600 Eleven stone and twelve pounds. 38 00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:44,960 I know exactly because the Slimming Clinic gives her a little card. She has 39 00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:46,360 weight loss target. 40 00:04:47,380 --> 00:04:49,900 Now, she's always going up instead of down. She hides it. 41 00:04:50,900 --> 00:04:51,900 But I know where. 42 00:05:30,640 --> 00:05:32,480 And George simply won't know. 43 00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:34,400 Well, suppose George finds out. 44 00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:37,980 If he finds out, I'll be glad. 45 00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:40,080 Yes, glad. 46 00:05:40,300 --> 00:05:41,300 And Phyllis? 47 00:05:41,700 --> 00:05:43,220 What about Phyllis? 48 00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:46,600 Phyllis will be so busy thinking about herself, she won't have to... Oh, no, 49 00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:47,600 no, no. 50 00:05:48,020 --> 00:05:51,100 Derek, dear boy, you're giving me absolutely nothing. 51 00:05:52,100 --> 00:05:56,440 Mary, darling, I know it. You have seen that I must have a little boy. 52 00:05:56,670 --> 00:05:59,810 Phyllis, Phyllis, let's try to be sensible about it. 53 00:06:00,070 --> 00:06:01,950 We have to think of the children. 54 00:06:07,050 --> 00:06:08,050 How's the pig? 55 00:06:08,410 --> 00:06:12,410 Women are awful. 56 00:06:12,850 --> 00:06:13,850 You're awful. 57 00:06:14,370 --> 00:06:19,710 Men have some kind of loyalty, but women... Mary was your best friend, and 58 00:06:19,710 --> 00:06:20,710 call her the pig. 59 00:06:20,790 --> 00:06:23,350 It's good Raj still thinks I am her best friend. 60 00:06:25,430 --> 00:06:28,630 What do you call her in your mind? 61 00:06:29,490 --> 00:06:30,910 A fat pig. 62 00:06:31,550 --> 00:06:35,550 A fat, fat, fat pig. 63 00:06:36,410 --> 00:06:40,870 When they weigh her, they must need a crane strapped round her belly like when 64 00:06:40,870 --> 00:06:41,870 they weigh sows. 65 00:06:43,030 --> 00:06:46,850 Could we have a little quiet up there, please? 66 00:06:48,430 --> 00:06:51,990 Where have they gone to? They're still on Act One. 67 00:07:01,360 --> 00:07:05,440 It's obvious by the shape of it that it is a whistle. In fact, if I put them out 68 00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:06,660 and blow, your ear will blow. 69 00:07:08,180 --> 00:07:14,700 And it has a slide up and down like this. So one would presume that the 70 00:07:14,700 --> 00:07:19,500 whistle would vary when you did that. But it doesn't because the whistle part 71 00:07:19,500 --> 00:07:20,500 it finishes there. 72 00:07:20,580 --> 00:07:24,220 And then on the side of it, it has a funny little proga here. 73 00:07:24,860 --> 00:07:28,360 But when you push it down, the point comes through the bottom end. 74 00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:40,020 I can't wait, John. Not any longer. The way the old sow's stuffing herself 75 00:07:40,020 --> 00:07:43,820 now. She'll eat us after death. Her heart won't take it. I can't wait for 76 00:07:43,820 --> 00:07:45,820 heart. What about my heart? 77 00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:47,460 I love you, Frances. 78 00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:49,240 If you love me, 79 00:07:50,060 --> 00:07:51,780 you're just divorced. 80 00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:57,040 I have an idea. 81 00:07:57,880 --> 00:08:01,680 Supposing you told her I was stepping out of line, perhaps with one of the 82 00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:06,060 in the show, and sounded her out half like a joke, say, would you ever divorce 83 00:08:06,060 --> 00:08:08,820 him? Act two, please, act two. Come on, John. 84 00:08:09,120 --> 00:08:11,140 All right, Damien. They're coming. 85 00:08:13,460 --> 00:08:18,420 Never. But suppose... Oh, it's probably not serious, just the last fling, but 86 00:08:18,420 --> 00:08:22,960 suppose he just walked out on you, ran off with her. 87 00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:25,720 Who is she? 88 00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:28,800 Oh, I've no idea. It's just gossip. He's been seen with someone. 89 00:08:30,220 --> 00:08:31,320 He wouldn't leave me. 90 00:08:33,020 --> 00:08:34,520 John couldn't. He isn't the type. 91 00:08:35,860 --> 00:08:37,340 But if he did, he'd be sorry. 92 00:08:37,620 --> 00:08:38,620 I can tell you that. 93 00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:42,320 You must have seen enough divorce cases go through your office. 94 00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:44,420 I'd see that he paid. 95 00:08:45,160 --> 00:08:48,020 I'd get every last penny the court would give me. 96 00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:51,860 By the time I'd finished with them, him and his little tramp, whoever she is, 97 00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:53,720 they'd be sorry they started. 98 00:09:37,770 --> 00:09:41,890 I've asked you not to use my razor for that. It clogs the head. 99 00:09:42,110 --> 00:09:44,390 Well, buy me one of my own then. You sell them. 100 00:09:45,390 --> 00:09:46,810 You're bringing up the high sugar? 101 00:09:47,290 --> 00:09:48,290 Yes. 102 00:10:03,650 --> 00:10:06,410 Don't look at me like that. These are non -flattening. 103 00:10:07,170 --> 00:10:08,470 Low -calorie glucose. 104 00:10:09,290 --> 00:10:12,430 You compulsive eaters are worse than alcoholics. You all have an excuse. 105 00:10:14,130 --> 00:10:17,490 I'm not a compulsive eater. I've got a problem with my metabolism. 106 00:10:18,190 --> 00:10:19,190 Well, 107 00:10:20,510 --> 00:10:21,510 how was the rehearsal? 108 00:10:21,950 --> 00:10:22,950 Pretty good. 109 00:10:23,010 --> 00:10:24,510 We blocked out half act two. 110 00:10:25,830 --> 00:10:27,250 Who were the girls in the company? 111 00:10:28,070 --> 00:10:33,310 Well, apart from Frances, that blonde from the gas board. 112 00:10:33,550 --> 00:10:34,810 She was in Rookery Nook. 113 00:10:35,660 --> 00:10:38,840 And the brunette, who's in French without tears. 114 00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:43,820 Oh, and the mousy little thing. Well, she's just a walk -on. She works in the 115 00:10:43,820 --> 00:10:44,820 public library. 116 00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:47,580 The mousy little thing I'd wonder about. 117 00:10:48,140 --> 00:10:49,140 What? 118 00:10:49,860 --> 00:10:55,200 Well, if you were straying, John, the one you'd run down is the one I'd 119 00:10:57,620 --> 00:11:00,760 John, do you love me? 120 00:11:01,560 --> 00:11:02,560 Of course I do. 121 00:11:03,850 --> 00:11:04,990 You never say so. 122 00:11:05,490 --> 00:11:07,450 Well, after ten years, it gets forgotten. 123 00:11:09,390 --> 00:11:11,010 Do you know what I'd really love you for? 124 00:11:12,010 --> 00:11:13,010 What? 125 00:11:13,270 --> 00:11:15,630 If you had me my lines before we went to sleep. 126 00:11:15,930 --> 00:11:17,570 Act two. It's a devil to learn. 127 00:11:23,790 --> 00:11:27,570 What's between us is real. You can't say it isn't. 128 00:11:27,990 --> 00:11:29,670 I never said it wasn't real. 129 00:11:30,010 --> 00:11:31,370 I said it was dangerous. 130 00:11:32,690 --> 00:11:33,690 Dangerous for who? 131 00:11:34,310 --> 00:11:35,310 Dangerous for you. 132 00:11:35,790 --> 00:11:36,790 For you. 133 00:11:39,530 --> 00:11:40,970 Not a very good play, is it? 134 00:11:57,570 --> 00:12:00,810 These things are best discussed over a good dinner. Oh, I agree. 135 00:12:01,390 --> 00:12:04,110 Preferably on a banquette with a very good wine. 136 00:12:04,430 --> 00:12:05,389 So who? 137 00:12:05,390 --> 00:12:07,370 Oh, we could go slumming at the Ritz. 138 00:12:10,310 --> 00:12:11,310 Jolly good. 139 00:12:11,470 --> 00:12:12,650 Absolutely splendid. 140 00:12:13,590 --> 00:12:17,790 Now, can we have Derek and Annie, please? Act two, scene one. 141 00:12:18,270 --> 00:12:21,550 Well, in that case, the boat is out. I've still a bank loan for redoing the 142 00:12:21,550 --> 00:12:27,630 shop. Have you thought that you and I are uniquely qualified for one way out? 143 00:12:28,620 --> 00:12:30,920 I work for a solicitor, so I know the law. 144 00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:33,880 You're a pharmacist, so you know. 145 00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:35,200 Know what? 146 00:12:35,260 --> 00:12:37,260 All about sickness and death. 147 00:12:43,340 --> 00:12:48,020 Thanks. I found a harmless little pill that looks exactly like those, so I slip 148 00:12:48,020 --> 00:12:49,520 half a dozen into each prescription. 149 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:51,480 And I've not had one complaint. 150 00:12:52,750 --> 00:12:58,170 With some conditions, you can prescribe pills made of chalk and sugar, and 40 % 151 00:12:58,170 --> 00:12:59,890 of your patients say it makes them feel better. 152 00:13:01,430 --> 00:13:02,430 How's your practice? 153 00:13:02,770 --> 00:13:03,770 Could be brisker. 154 00:13:04,130 --> 00:13:05,130 Not full up, then? 155 00:13:06,030 --> 00:13:07,030 Wish I was. 156 00:13:08,050 --> 00:13:09,250 I'm worried about Mary. 157 00:13:09,490 --> 00:13:12,190 The hospital's too rich. If she doesn't lose weight, she'll kick the bucket. 158 00:13:12,710 --> 00:13:13,710 Drain on the heart. 159 00:13:13,930 --> 00:13:16,630 I got her to go to a slimming clinic. Now she's packed it in. 160 00:13:16,930 --> 00:13:18,230 Our doctor's Gregson. 161 00:13:18,550 --> 00:13:21,710 Oh, Gregson. He can't make a listen. He doesn't seem to care. 162 00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:25,660 I was wondering if we might transfer to you as our dear old family doctor, 163 00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:26,880 counsellor and friend. 164 00:13:27,260 --> 00:13:28,260 Of course. 165 00:13:29,060 --> 00:13:30,380 You'll have to tell Gregson. 166 00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:34,080 Mary doesn't seem to respond to him. I'd put it frankly, a change of doctor 167 00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:35,080 might bring a change of heart. 168 00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:37,760 All you have to do is fill in page three of your medical card. 169 00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:46,760 Isn't there some affinity between compulsive eaters and other 170 00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:47,760 addicts? 171 00:13:48,700 --> 00:13:51,360 You might understand her, identify her. 172 00:13:51,710 --> 00:13:53,810 Help her more than a teetotal square like Gregson. 173 00:13:56,410 --> 00:13:59,030 Do you want some favour of me, John? 174 00:13:59,710 --> 00:14:00,710 I might. 175 00:14:05,690 --> 00:14:07,590 You are clever getting Dr Applegate. 176 00:14:07,870 --> 00:14:08,870 You're sure he's good. 177 00:14:09,150 --> 00:14:13,290 Line and thinker. And hard line. I could get him struck off the register. 178 00:14:13,730 --> 00:14:14,529 Ruin him. 179 00:14:14,530 --> 00:14:15,970 We have to wait just a bit longer. 180 00:14:16,510 --> 00:14:20,090 A medical practitioner may not issue a certificate unless he be in attendance 181 00:14:20,090 --> 00:14:24,030 upon the deceased during his or her last illness. I looked it up today. 182 00:14:43,229 --> 00:14:44,930 I've seen worse in the West. 183 00:14:47,290 --> 00:14:49,630 Hey, look, everybody, the star! 184 00:14:49,950 --> 00:14:50,950 Hey! 185 00:14:58,950 --> 00:15:05,430 Time that came down. 186 00:15:06,770 --> 00:15:07,770 What'll be the next? 187 00:15:07,910 --> 00:15:09,050 Hay fever or gaslight. 188 00:15:09,270 --> 00:15:10,470 Gaslight would be best for you. 189 00:15:11,850 --> 00:15:12,910 I may not be here, John. 190 00:15:13,710 --> 00:15:14,710 What? 191 00:15:14,930 --> 00:15:16,310 I can't take this any longer. 192 00:15:17,150 --> 00:15:18,150 Being the other woman. 193 00:15:21,150 --> 00:15:22,530 I've got an open date to return. 194 00:15:23,110 --> 00:15:24,230 I loathe my husband. 195 00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:25,590 I loathe my husband. 196 00:15:26,330 --> 00:15:28,730 Philadelphia's packed with lawyers. I might stay on and look for a job. 197 00:15:29,190 --> 00:15:31,130 English secretary's are a status symbol there. 198 00:15:31,450 --> 00:15:32,690 I could double my money. 199 00:15:33,390 --> 00:15:35,830 And perhaps find someone. 200 00:15:36,210 --> 00:15:37,570 What? I've had it, John. 201 00:15:37,910 --> 00:15:39,890 With hole -and -corner stuff, I've had it. 202 00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:44,140 My flight's at 12 .50, so I have to be up at the crack. 203 00:15:44,620 --> 00:15:46,320 I called in on Mary to say goodbye. 204 00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:48,280 The Bates were there. 205 00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:50,860 I gave a very good impression of Mary's oldest friend. 206 00:15:51,300 --> 00:15:52,500 I thought it might help. 207 00:15:52,740 --> 00:15:53,740 Help with what? 208 00:15:54,380 --> 00:15:56,440 Help with what you've got to do, John. 209 00:15:57,300 --> 00:16:02,920 If you want me... They kill pigs every day by the thousand. Haven't you got the 210 00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:04,060 nerve to get rid of just one? 211 00:16:04,300 --> 00:16:05,300 I've thought of everything. 212 00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:07,000 Drive the car in the river. 213 00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:08,440 Get out myself. 214 00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:11,060 It has to be something that doesn't need an inquest. Something that Dr. 215 00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:12,980 Applegate can certify as natural causes. 216 00:16:13,940 --> 00:16:15,040 There is one way. 217 00:16:15,660 --> 00:16:16,660 At last. 218 00:16:17,140 --> 00:16:19,520 How? It's better you don't know. 219 00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:22,720 Send me a telegram. 220 00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:25,060 Regret inform you. 221 00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:26,960 I'll be back. 222 00:16:27,620 --> 00:16:33,620 But not unless... I'll do it, Frances. 223 00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:34,840 I promise. 224 00:16:34,900 --> 00:16:35,920 I love you. 225 00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:38,040 Oh, I love you. 226 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,880 But... only if. 227 00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:39,760 out of barley sugars. 228 00:18:40,140 --> 00:18:42,260 I knew you'd moan, so I brought you these. 229 00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:47,500 Must be a thousand calories in those. 230 00:18:47,820 --> 00:18:49,180 What about the marron glace? 231 00:18:49,780 --> 00:18:50,780 Bates brought them. 232 00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:54,000 Francis came round to say goodbye. 233 00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:59,500 Some people come, eat you out of house and home, never bring a thing. 234 00:19:00,020 --> 00:19:03,980 At least the Bateses always bring something, even if it's only flowers 235 00:19:03,980 --> 00:19:04,980 garden. 236 00:19:07,370 --> 00:19:08,370 Dr Applegate called. 237 00:19:08,890 --> 00:19:09,890 I don't know why. 238 00:19:10,690 --> 00:19:13,530 Most of them won't visit nowadays unless you're on your last legs. 239 00:19:15,110 --> 00:19:16,150 The money, perhaps. 240 00:19:17,130 --> 00:19:18,830 I think they get more for a home visit. 241 00:19:19,790 --> 00:19:24,510 Why did you change from Dr Gregson to Dr Applegate? Oh, I didn't think Gregson 242 00:19:24,510 --> 00:19:26,110 was helping you with your problem. 243 00:19:26,410 --> 00:19:27,830 I don't have a problem. 244 00:19:28,410 --> 00:19:29,770 I've got a metabolic condition. 245 00:19:30,550 --> 00:19:32,330 Dr Applegate gave me a long lecture. 246 00:19:32,950 --> 00:19:33,950 He's very sympathetic. 247 00:19:34,170 --> 00:19:35,950 I rather like Dr Applegate, actually. 248 00:19:49,940 --> 00:19:53,100 No. I think I'll save the chocolates till tomorrow. 249 00:19:53,780 --> 00:19:59,260 The story of the men who gambled with the future of the world... You want some 250 00:19:59,260 --> 00:20:00,260 supper? 251 00:20:01,780 --> 00:20:07,340 Good night, Mr Burge. Good night, ma 'am. 252 00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:36,440 Oh, hello, Johnny. 253 00:22:37,020 --> 00:22:38,020 What are you doing? 254 00:22:39,420 --> 00:22:42,300 I've got... I think I've got a story. 255 00:22:43,260 --> 00:22:45,000 Didn't bring me my barley sugar, did you? 256 00:22:45,540 --> 00:22:48,400 I'm so sorry. There's something wrong with deliveries. We're still out of 257 00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:49,680 Good, I'm glad. 258 00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:51,680 It was Dr. 259 00:22:51,820 --> 00:22:53,040 Afflegate who helped me to see. 260 00:22:53,380 --> 00:22:54,319 See what? 261 00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:55,320 This eating. 262 00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:57,700 It's all a matter of will. 263 00:22:58,330 --> 00:23:01,650 Oh, I know there's the metabolic... What did he call it? The metabolic 264 00:23:01,650 --> 00:23:06,310 idiosyncrasy, too. But in the end, it all comes down to will, to wanting to be 265 00:23:06,310 --> 00:23:10,190 slim. I've never been a religious person, but now I know what they mean by 266 00:23:10,190 --> 00:23:11,190 conversion. 267 00:23:11,450 --> 00:23:12,690 I've been converted, Johnny. 268 00:23:13,030 --> 00:23:14,270 I've seen the light. 269 00:23:14,710 --> 00:23:16,350 I'm going back to the clinic. 270 00:23:16,890 --> 00:23:18,050 They've set me a target. 271 00:23:19,030 --> 00:23:22,830 Yes, I'm going to lose three pounds every week. 272 00:23:23,450 --> 00:23:24,450 I'm going to do it. 273 00:23:24,810 --> 00:23:26,530 Not just for me, but for you. 274 00:23:26,970 --> 00:23:30,330 That's the important thing. I've thrown away all that muck, all the biscuits and 275 00:23:30,330 --> 00:23:34,650 marron glacé and cake. So that box of chocolates I bought you was a waste of 276 00:23:34,650 --> 00:23:36,390 money? It's not a waste. 277 00:23:36,730 --> 00:23:38,190 I gave it to Frances. 278 00:23:38,930 --> 00:23:40,510 Frances? But she's gone. 279 00:23:40,930 --> 00:23:42,790 There was a strike at London Airport. 280 00:23:43,110 --> 00:23:44,830 Her flight's been delayed to this afternoon. 281 00:23:45,170 --> 00:23:47,010 So I gave her the chocolate to take on the trip. 282 00:23:47,450 --> 00:23:51,450 I bet she's gobbling those soft centres now over the Atlantic. And I don't feel 283 00:23:51,450 --> 00:23:52,770 a trace of envy, not a trace. 284 00:23:53,070 --> 00:23:54,270 I'm going to make you a wonderful supper. 285 00:23:54,970 --> 00:23:59,370 We're going to have grated carrots and lettuce and cottage cheese. 286 00:23:59,630 --> 00:24:04,230 I'll be as thin as a rake, Johnny, and you'll love me. You'll tell me you love 287 00:24:04,230 --> 00:24:05,230 me.