1 00:00:58,830 --> 00:01:03,870 The word is comfortable, you simpering nelly. Oh, you do make a mess around 2 00:01:04,510 --> 00:01:06,170 What's this role doing here? 3 00:01:06,450 --> 00:01:07,490 Oh, why don't you ask it? 4 00:01:07,810 --> 00:01:12,490 Or don't you speak role? Oh, did you enjoy having your niece here yesterday? 5 00:01:12,830 --> 00:01:15,210 She tried to strangle me. Oh, yes. 6 00:01:15,730 --> 00:01:17,190 Such a nice woman. 7 00:01:18,890 --> 00:01:20,730 With her rosary beads. 8 00:01:21,290 --> 00:01:25,410 You should have had a long chat with me and Mr Baines, inquiring about your 9 00:01:25,410 --> 00:01:28,050 health and general well -being. I'll bet she will. 10 00:01:28,510 --> 00:01:31,450 The only reason I keep breathing is so that she can't get her hands on my 11 00:01:31,570 --> 00:01:32,570 Oh, yes. 12 00:01:32,850 --> 00:01:37,330 Jane, my niece only comes here in the hope that one day she will find me stiff 13 00:01:37,330 --> 00:01:39,250 as a board with a stake through my heart. 14 00:01:39,530 --> 00:01:41,130 I'm sure that's not true. 15 00:01:41,510 --> 00:01:43,470 She keeps garlic in a crucifix in her handbag. 16 00:01:44,970 --> 00:01:51,270 Harvey says that persecution mania is very common amongst senior citizens. 17 00:01:51,910 --> 00:01:53,810 Don't you call me a senior citizen. 18 00:01:54,110 --> 00:01:55,170 Oh, what are you then? 19 00:01:55,490 --> 00:01:56,890 What do I bloody well look like? 20 00:01:57,270 --> 00:01:59,320 Senior citizen. Oh, yes. 21 00:01:59,540 --> 00:02:01,740 And when did I become a senior citizen? 22 00:02:01,980 --> 00:02:03,280 Oh, after you turned 60. 23 00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:08,419 Jane, on my 60th birthday, I was a freelance photographer hanging out of a 24 00:02:08,419 --> 00:02:12,340 helicopter somewhere on the Cambodian border while various warlords were 25 00:02:12,340 --> 00:02:13,520 to shoot the arse off me. 26 00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:16,800 Watch this for me, how very powerful. 27 00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:20,020 And they weren't calling me a senior citizen then. 28 00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:23,060 No, they were foreign. They probably didn't know the words. 29 00:02:24,020 --> 00:02:27,710 Jane, the Eastern people do not have... senior citizens. 30 00:02:28,070 --> 00:02:33,410 They have elders whom they respect, revere. Don't try and shove under the 31 00:02:33,410 --> 00:02:34,750 like some minor embarrassment. 32 00:02:35,050 --> 00:02:39,870 So you can tell that Baines creature from me that we are not senior citizens 33 00:02:39,870 --> 00:02:44,950 any other form of coy euphemism. We are paying customers. We are what keeps his 34 00:02:44,950 --> 00:02:46,830 butter stuck to his bread. Do I make myself clear? 35 00:02:47,050 --> 00:02:48,730 Yes, Diana, you always do. 36 00:02:49,950 --> 00:02:52,450 I see your niece has left her car here. 37 00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:53,819 The red Porsche? 38 00:02:53,820 --> 00:02:57,340 Yeah, she's going on holiday and most of her neighbours appear to be car 39 00:02:57,340 --> 00:02:59,880 thieves. She's asked me to look after it for her. Oh, good. 40 00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:02,760 Just as long as you weren't thinking of driving it. 41 00:03:03,460 --> 00:03:04,460 Me, Jane? 42 00:03:06,300 --> 00:03:07,300 Let's have a look. 43 00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:08,600 Really? 44 00:03:10,740 --> 00:03:14,640 Justice, ladies and gentlemen of life's jury, is like a meal. 45 00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:17,660 Like this very meal that you have spread before you. 46 00:03:18,420 --> 00:03:21,080 When you've got it, you take it as your right and profit you. 47 00:03:21,820 --> 00:03:26,500 But when you haven't got it, you feel confused, disorientated and cheated. 48 00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:30,920 And if you are deprived of it for too long, you may even wither and perish. 49 00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:32,360 Give me my food. 50 00:03:32,700 --> 00:03:33,800 And give me my justice. 51 00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:35,780 I want my dinner. 52 00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:39,720 Nothing wrong here, Tom. I want justice. And I want my dinner. 53 00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:42,640 Give Babel his dinner, Tom. It isn't dinner. 54 00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:44,240 It's a symbol of faith. 55 00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:46,280 It's a plate of curry. 56 00:03:48,220 --> 00:03:49,260 What's wrong now, Tom? 57 00:03:50,250 --> 00:03:51,390 It can't be the food. 58 00:03:51,690 --> 00:03:55,150 We've doubled the catering budget since you threatened to disembowel yourself on 59 00:03:55,150 --> 00:03:56,150 the steps of the town hall. 60 00:03:56,890 --> 00:03:57,970 Nothing wrong with the food. 61 00:03:58,250 --> 00:04:01,610 So what is it? I've told you, it's justice. Justice? About what? 62 00:04:02,050 --> 00:04:05,770 Justice isn't about anything. Justice is an ideal, an end in itself. 63 00:04:07,170 --> 00:04:09,250 And we want it, don't we? 64 00:04:12,470 --> 00:04:16,589 You see, Tom, they just want to have their lunch in peace. 65 00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:21,500 It's because they have been broken on the wheel of life. It's because they're 66 00:04:21,500 --> 00:04:22,500 hungry. 67 00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:24,040 Thank you, Tom. 68 00:04:24,620 --> 00:04:27,320 Now, everybody happy? 69 00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:30,160 Good. 70 00:04:32,140 --> 00:04:38,960 That blood, that is, sucked from us over 70 years and returned to us one 71 00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:40,720 claggy gob at a time. 72 00:04:43,640 --> 00:04:46,780 Who on earth is he today? I'm not quite sure. 73 00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:50,760 Seems like a cross between Perry Mason and Aristotle. 74 00:04:51,660 --> 00:04:56,560 A little fart. Good morning, Diana. 75 00:04:57,180 --> 00:05:02,400 Or should I say good afternoon? As it is 12 .23, and that's 23 minutes after the 76 00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:05,120 start of lunchtime. Oh, do be quiet, you tedious little man. 77 00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:08,840 We do have staff, you know, and they like to get away on time. 78 00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:10,120 They have rights. 79 00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:11,620 So do prison warders. 80 00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:13,560 Now, that's not a very nice attitude. 81 00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:14,960 No, it wasn't meant to be. 82 00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:21,240 In a world ruled by aggressive simpletons, someone has to see the sheer 83 00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:25,160 of the human race, the universe, the Bayview retirement home for the almost 84 00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:28,120 dead. Not feeling a little bit negative today, are we? 85 00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:29,680 Oh, Miss Trent. 86 00:05:30,820 --> 00:05:32,020 Diana. What? 87 00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:34,440 About your niece's car. Yes? 88 00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:36,660 It's the sports car. 89 00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:40,830 So? Well, I was wondering if you'd like me to look after the keys for you. Were 90 00:05:40,830 --> 00:05:45,350 you really? Until your niece returns. Well, thank you, but I think the care of 91 00:05:45,350 --> 00:05:49,710 couple of keys is just about within the capabilities of this rattled old body 92 00:05:49,710 --> 00:05:51,170 and fuddled old brain. 93 00:05:53,010 --> 00:05:54,230 Bugger off and let me eat in peace. 94 00:05:54,970 --> 00:05:57,970 I don't have to do this job, you know. No, I don't have to do it. I don't have 95 00:05:57,970 --> 00:06:00,570 to be a caring individual. I get little help. 96 00:06:02,070 --> 00:06:04,670 Oh, Tom, don't forget your son's visiting tomorrow morning. 97 00:06:05,690 --> 00:06:06,850 Oh, God. 98 00:06:17,859 --> 00:06:19,740 Dad? You can always come home. 99 00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:21,260 Well, you can if he's not happy. 100 00:06:21,620 --> 00:06:22,620 He says he's not happy. 101 00:06:22,980 --> 00:06:23,980 He does. 102 00:06:24,340 --> 00:06:26,280 You've said a word since we've been here. 103 00:06:26,600 --> 00:06:27,600 Mariam, please. 104 00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:29,080 He only does it to upset me. 105 00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:31,280 He's trying to push me over the edge. 106 00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:33,760 Your family never liked me. You know that's not true. 107 00:06:34,100 --> 00:06:35,740 Then why isn't he talking to me? 108 00:06:36,910 --> 00:06:43,590 he's doing staring into space sitting like that you'll get piles that'll serve 109 00:06:43,590 --> 00:06:49,050 him right they blow up and strangle him he's not deaf 110 00:06:49,050 --> 00:06:55,490 dad hello maybe he's dead give him a prod 111 00:06:55,490 --> 00:07:01,330 he's meditating ah disgusting he's just sitting and thinking well what's 112 00:07:01,480 --> 00:07:04,340 thinking that's so important he can't even talk to his own family? 113 00:07:04,540 --> 00:07:06,260 Well, he's out of his body right now. 114 00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:09,020 Out of his body? 115 00:07:09,900 --> 00:07:11,060 Well, where's he gone, then? 116 00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:12,840 On to another plane. 117 00:07:13,300 --> 00:07:14,400 On a plane, eh? 118 00:07:15,140 --> 00:07:16,700 Well, that's very clear, isn't it? 119 00:07:17,060 --> 00:07:19,600 He's gone off on a plane, but left his body behind. 120 00:07:20,260 --> 00:07:21,980 Does that get him a reduced fare? 121 00:07:22,420 --> 00:07:23,980 There's no need around here. 122 00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:27,620 Does your wife ever shut up, or do you have to take a side to her vocal cords? 123 00:07:28,620 --> 00:07:30,340 Oh, that's right. Thank you very much. 124 00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:33,660 I just come here to be insulted, don't I? Well, I'm glad there's some point to 125 00:07:33,660 --> 00:07:34,660 your journey. 126 00:07:35,980 --> 00:07:37,060 Oh, oh, oh. 127 00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:43,180 And tell me, Miss Acid Drop, how long does he go off on these plane trips for? 128 00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:46,300 Well, now, that depends how far he's transcending. 129 00:07:46,660 --> 00:07:51,140 If his astral travel should take him as far as the, well, the lost source of the 130 00:07:51,140 --> 00:07:52,660 Ganges, he could be gone all day. 131 00:07:53,020 --> 00:07:56,800 If, on the other hand, he has just wafted round to the corner shop, he 132 00:07:56,800 --> 00:07:57,800 back any minute. 133 00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:01,300 Come along, Geoffrey. These people are all quite gaga. 134 00:08:01,540 --> 00:08:03,780 And we don't want to catch any gaga germs, do we? 135 00:08:04,020 --> 00:08:05,020 Come along. 136 00:08:06,180 --> 00:08:07,180 Bye, Dad. 137 00:08:09,020 --> 00:08:10,020 Send us a card. 138 00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:17,900 It's all right. They've gone. 139 00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:21,520 Oh. Well, someone here. 140 00:08:23,220 --> 00:08:25,280 I've been away in another world. Listen. 141 00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:30,040 You may fool your cretinous relatives with your dithery doodars, but don't try 142 00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:31,700 it on me, you brain -dead old fish. 143 00:08:32,980 --> 00:08:34,419 You know your trouble, Miss Trent? 144 00:08:35,520 --> 00:08:36,520 You're earthbound. 145 00:08:36,679 --> 00:08:37,679 No wings. 146 00:08:37,919 --> 00:08:44,100 Whereas you, Doctor Who... Whereas I only have to twiddle a couple of old 147 00:08:44,100 --> 00:08:48,840 -like knobs and I'm up, off, off of the way to better times, better places, and 148 00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:50,300 darn sight, better company, too. 149 00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:51,520 Oh, yes. 150 00:08:51,610 --> 00:08:54,990 What particular Disneyland for the simple -minded have you been goofing 151 00:08:54,990 --> 00:08:55,990 in? 152 00:08:57,070 --> 00:08:58,650 I have been to Washington. 153 00:08:58,930 --> 00:09:00,150 Oh, I bet that shook them. 154 00:09:01,110 --> 00:09:02,950 I went with my old friend Jimmy Stewart. 155 00:09:04,630 --> 00:09:07,990 You remember the old movie, Mr Smith Goes to Washington? 156 00:09:08,670 --> 00:09:09,790 Well, I went with him. 157 00:09:10,390 --> 00:09:15,470 Dear old Jimmy Stewart, we address Congress on a matter of grave injustice. 158 00:09:15,830 --> 00:09:16,830 What injustice? 159 00:09:17,250 --> 00:09:19,270 On the injustice of ageing, Miss Trent. 160 00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:21,480 Look at us. We have been diddled. 161 00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:25,220 We have worked hard all our lives, and what happens to us? 162 00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:27,220 Well, in your case, you go totally doolally. 163 00:09:28,420 --> 00:09:29,420 We get old. 164 00:09:30,060 --> 00:09:33,940 That's what we get for our pains. Life is hard, and then you die. 165 00:09:34,740 --> 00:09:36,120 It's all the wrong way round. 166 00:09:36,820 --> 00:09:38,220 God's probably dyslexic. 167 00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:41,220 Well, I want to do something young. 168 00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:42,239 Good idea. 169 00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:43,440 Go and play in the traffic. 170 00:09:44,820 --> 00:09:46,460 There isn't any traffic round here. 171 00:09:47,140 --> 00:09:48,300 Only the odd hearth. 172 00:09:49,470 --> 00:09:53,170 Gliding shark -like through the hedgerows, searching for customers. 173 00:09:54,610 --> 00:09:55,870 Bring out your dead. 174 00:09:56,230 --> 00:09:57,470 Bring out your dead. 175 00:09:57,710 --> 00:10:00,470 Bring out your dead. Oh, for God's sake, shut up. 176 00:10:01,250 --> 00:10:02,250 Come on. 177 00:10:02,370 --> 00:10:06,650 We are going in search of some real traffic and real people. 178 00:10:06,930 --> 00:10:08,590 Where? Brighton. 179 00:10:09,070 --> 00:10:14,310 Brighton? Does Brighton really exist beyond the confines of naughty 180 00:10:14,510 --> 00:10:16,050 Possibly not, but we'll go and have a look. 181 00:10:16,570 --> 00:10:20,030 We'll take the Porsche. I'll drive and you can run up a huge bill on my niece's 182 00:10:20,030 --> 00:10:21,030 car phone. 183 00:10:22,870 --> 00:10:23,870 Brighton. 184 00:10:24,090 --> 00:10:25,090 Porsche. 185 00:10:25,370 --> 00:10:26,370 Car phone. 186 00:10:26,530 --> 00:10:27,530 Goodness. 187 00:10:29,570 --> 00:10:31,490 I'm going to be a daffy. 188 00:10:37,430 --> 00:10:38,750 This is wonderful. 189 00:10:39,670 --> 00:10:44,310 I used to have a modest miner. He was just like this, but completely 190 00:10:47,050 --> 00:10:48,670 This is Major Tom, the ground controller. 191 00:10:49,550 --> 00:10:50,630 We have ignition. 192 00:10:51,310 --> 00:10:54,930 Ten, nine, eight, seven... Stop puffing about! 193 00:10:56,670 --> 00:10:57,670 What? 194 00:10:58,110 --> 00:10:59,110 What? 195 00:11:00,110 --> 00:11:01,430 Can you drive this thing? 196 00:11:01,630 --> 00:11:02,630 Of course I... 197 00:11:16,980 --> 00:11:19,400 That's right, a big, red, shiny Porsche. 198 00:11:19,900 --> 00:11:20,920 And they must be got. 199 00:11:22,460 --> 00:11:24,040 No, no, I don't know the number. 200 00:11:25,260 --> 00:11:26,800 No, no, they haven't stolen it. 201 00:11:28,300 --> 00:11:30,800 Well, I doubt very much if she is licensed. 202 00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:34,680 Well, couldn't you try and sound a little bit more concerned? 203 00:11:35,060 --> 00:11:36,360 Why? Why? 204 00:11:36,780 --> 00:11:40,320 Because there are two bloody -minded old crackpots tearing along the coast at a 205 00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:44,100 million miles an hour, and I, as a citizen and as a taxpayer, want you to 206 00:11:44,100 --> 00:11:45,100 them! 207 00:11:45,870 --> 00:11:47,510 I'm a reasonable man, aren't I, Jane? 208 00:11:48,010 --> 00:11:50,330 Oh, yes, Harvey, very reasonable. 209 00:11:51,130 --> 00:11:53,770 I'm not what they say I am, am I? Oh, no, Harvey. 210 00:11:55,730 --> 00:11:57,290 What do they say you are? 211 00:11:58,270 --> 00:11:59,850 I'm providing a service. 212 00:12:00,690 --> 00:12:04,150 I'm not a blood -sucking, yuppie bastard trying to screw them for every penny 213 00:12:04,150 --> 00:12:05,270 they've got, am I? 214 00:12:05,530 --> 00:12:07,090 Of course you're not. 215 00:12:07,870 --> 00:12:09,190 Jane, you have a hand on that. 216 00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:17,380 I think they left my bum at the last roundabout. 217 00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:27,840 Why are you driving on the wrong side of the road? 218 00:12:28,160 --> 00:12:30,520 You never know when you're going to meet something silly. It's called doing it 219 00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:31,520 the other way. 220 00:13:03,370 --> 00:13:08,530 love the sea air mingled with the sickly tang of candy floss and fresh donuts i 221 00:13:08,530 --> 00:13:15,350 just like to be alive my driving doesn't worry you does it oh no i'm a fatalist 222 00:13:15,350 --> 00:13:22,310 if it is writ it is writ style tom gotta have style far better go 223 00:13:22,310 --> 00:13:26,490 out in a flash at the wheel of your space capsule here than spend another 224 00:13:26,490 --> 00:13:29,450 of years timidly putting up and down the promenade 225 00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:34,500 At the wheel of your 1959 Hillman Minx while your brain -dead partner fiddles 226 00:13:34,500 --> 00:13:35,680 with cardigan buttons. 227 00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:39,980 Fancy an ice cream? 228 00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:43,040 Won't we get a ticket? 229 00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:45,200 My niece will get a ticket. 230 00:13:49,500 --> 00:13:54,740 A Porsche? 231 00:13:55,100 --> 00:13:58,360 My father has gone off with a woman in a Porsche? 232 00:13:58,700 --> 00:13:59,700 How disgusting. 233 00:14:00,260 --> 00:14:05,920 Well, when I say woman, I mean... You mean some underage nymphette. I knew it. 234 00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:06,599 could tell. 235 00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:08,780 For years he's been looking at me in a funny way. 236 00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:11,660 He's gone off with Diana Trent. 237 00:14:11,940 --> 00:14:12,439 Who's she? 238 00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:13,940 His neighbour, one of our residents. 239 00:14:14,900 --> 00:14:17,120 You mean he's run off with an old woman? 240 00:14:17,820 --> 00:14:19,760 Oh, God, I think I'm going to be ill. 241 00:14:21,220 --> 00:14:22,740 Faulty, not totally obscene. 242 00:14:22,940 --> 00:14:24,000 And a Porsche, too. 243 00:14:24,510 --> 00:14:26,170 An expensive car? Oh, God. 244 00:14:26,470 --> 00:14:29,230 We think they've probably just gone for a drive. 245 00:14:29,510 --> 00:14:30,389 I'm sure that's all. 246 00:14:30,390 --> 00:14:31,390 Don't be ridiculous. 247 00:14:32,210 --> 00:14:34,510 A man and a woman in a fart car. 248 00:14:35,410 --> 00:14:37,250 The roar of the exhaust pipe. 249 00:14:37,870 --> 00:14:39,750 The sheer power of the acceleration. 250 00:14:40,370 --> 00:14:41,610 Pressing you back in your seat. 251 00:14:42,470 --> 00:14:44,310 The smell of real leather. 252 00:14:53,230 --> 00:14:55,070 Well, I suppose it is quite a nice day for a drive. 253 00:14:59,110 --> 00:15:01,150 Used to come down here during the war. 254 00:15:02,530 --> 00:15:05,210 Used to watch the air battles, the dogfights out there. 255 00:15:06,830 --> 00:15:12,010 Our boys and their boys weaving about on a lovely summer's day, putting on such 256 00:15:12,010 --> 00:15:13,010 a show. 257 00:15:14,010 --> 00:15:17,650 One of the Hun went down, the whole beach would cheer. 258 00:15:19,630 --> 00:15:21,010 One of our boys was hit. 259 00:15:22,670 --> 00:15:24,670 Even the wind would stop blowing. 260 00:15:26,110 --> 00:15:32,670 Time froze until the lad either parachuted to safety and your heart 261 00:15:32,670 --> 00:15:39,390 or he plunged into the sea and you all died with him. 262 00:15:42,130 --> 00:15:48,170 Nineteen or twenty years of some dear mother's adoration, 263 00:15:48,250 --> 00:15:49,790 loving care. 264 00:15:52,489 --> 00:15:53,489 Switched off. 265 00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:55,370 Doused. 266 00:16:05,050 --> 00:16:06,210 So I never had children. 267 00:16:06,850 --> 00:16:08,110 Couldn't face losing them. 268 00:16:11,450 --> 00:16:12,930 So I never had much at all. 269 00:16:21,100 --> 00:16:22,100 Were you in the war, Tom? 270 00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:23,280 Oh, yes. 271 00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:26,040 Army. I had what they call a good war. 272 00:16:26,340 --> 00:16:27,159 Where were you? 273 00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:28,160 Oh, all over. 274 00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:30,100 North Africa chasing Rommel. 275 00:16:30,360 --> 00:16:31,360 Then Italy. 276 00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:34,380 Then D -Day and the push to Berlin. 277 00:16:34,620 --> 00:16:35,439 What rank? 278 00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:36,980 Well, I ended up Skate. 279 00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:37,919 What's that? 280 00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:40,180 Supreme Commander, Allied Forces in Europe. 281 00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:42,580 I knew they, with Eisenhower. 282 00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:47,580 But I don't mention it to anyone in case they think I'm getting a bit big 283 00:16:47,580 --> 00:16:49,460 -headed. We want to be careful, you know. 284 00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:53,180 They might mistake your fantasy world for senility and lock you up. 285 00:16:57,440 --> 00:16:58,940 What fantasy world? 286 00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:07,040 Something essentially English about seaside candy floss. 287 00:17:08,220 --> 00:17:09,720 Quite revolting. 288 00:17:10,900 --> 00:17:14,240 Goes with the grey sea and the fried food. 289 00:17:14,970 --> 00:17:19,950 and the appalling hopelessness of all those dead people dragging their lumpen 290 00:17:19,950 --> 00:17:24,569 bodies up and down, waiting for the blessed relief of autumn, when they can 291 00:17:24,569 --> 00:17:29,250 their brains fur over and their limbs atrophy while they crawl back into their 292 00:17:29,250 --> 00:17:35,210 holes and spend the winter breaking wind in some of the... Bloody hell. 293 00:17:36,470 --> 00:17:38,230 I don't depress you, do I? 294 00:17:39,850 --> 00:17:43,610 If I cut my head off and put a stake through my heart, I would be positively 295 00:17:43,610 --> 00:17:45,370 jolly in comparison with you. 296 00:17:45,970 --> 00:17:49,910 You can't spend your life being so contemptuous of your fellow man. 297 00:17:50,130 --> 00:17:51,130 Why not? 298 00:17:51,330 --> 00:17:52,329 Well, why? 299 00:17:52,330 --> 00:17:54,910 Because if you're angry, you know you're still alive. 300 00:17:55,330 --> 00:17:56,330 But why bother? 301 00:17:57,230 --> 00:18:01,110 If you think life is one long bath in acid, why don't you pull the plug? 302 00:18:01,490 --> 00:18:04,050 Suicide? Mercy killing in your case. 303 00:18:04,630 --> 00:18:05,630 No. 304 00:18:06,430 --> 00:18:08,430 Too many people to get even with. 305 00:18:08,700 --> 00:18:11,060 The best way to do that is to outlive them. 306 00:18:12,020 --> 00:18:13,020 Come on. 307 00:18:14,180 --> 00:18:15,580 Let's burn a little rubber. 308 00:18:58,270 --> 00:19:02,030 Peace. No harm, dear hon. They should be locked up. No, no, Marion. 309 00:19:02,650 --> 00:19:04,970 Faulting old man. Leave it to me, I think. 310 00:19:05,190 --> 00:19:07,790 You're the one who let them escape in the birthplace. No, no, Marion. 311 00:19:10,270 --> 00:19:11,650 Well, well, Miss Trent. 312 00:19:12,490 --> 00:19:13,490 Diana. 313 00:19:15,810 --> 00:19:17,330 Goodness! A party? 314 00:19:17,690 --> 00:19:18,690 What fun! 315 00:19:19,750 --> 00:19:22,450 Geoffrey, how lovely to see you. I thought you were coming this morning. 316 00:19:22,850 --> 00:19:24,370 We did, Dad. You were out. 317 00:19:25,430 --> 00:19:26,430 Oh, of course. 318 00:19:26,990 --> 00:19:28,150 Washington. So sorry. 319 00:19:29,570 --> 00:19:31,410 Marion, how are you? 320 00:19:31,730 --> 00:19:33,050 Don't touch me. Same as usual. 321 00:19:34,630 --> 00:19:38,990 Now, I would like you all to meet a new friend of ours, Constable Wilkin. 322 00:19:39,310 --> 00:19:42,510 This is my son, Geoffrey. Sir. And his wife, Marion. Madam. 323 00:19:42,770 --> 00:19:47,110 And this is Mr. Harvey Baines, manager of the institution, and his right arm, 324 00:19:47,270 --> 00:19:50,490 Jane Edwards, and of course, Miss Trent, who's already sworn at you. 325 00:19:52,270 --> 00:19:54,750 Well, isn't this nice? 326 00:19:55,390 --> 00:19:56,390 Mine's a gin and tonic. 327 00:19:58,100 --> 00:19:59,140 No tonic. 328 00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:01,160 No gin. 329 00:20:02,220 --> 00:20:03,480 Dan. Tom. 330 00:20:03,700 --> 00:20:04,700 Sorry. 331 00:20:05,020 --> 00:20:08,140 Tom, we've been... We've been terribly worried, Dad. Where have you been? 332 00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:10,880 We've been to Brighton. I knew it. 333 00:20:11,120 --> 00:20:12,940 Brighton. Seaside Hotel. 334 00:20:13,220 --> 00:20:14,220 Mr and Mrs Smith. 335 00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:16,540 They've only been a few hours. 336 00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:18,140 Oh, God, not even a hotel. 337 00:20:18,460 --> 00:20:20,960 How could you? Someone cut that woman's throat. 338 00:20:21,900 --> 00:20:25,540 And you, you're just, just a loose tart. 339 00:20:25,980 --> 00:20:27,140 Give me a knife, I'll do it myself. 340 00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:33,900 Just stick to the matter in hand. Miss Trent, Diana, you've caused us all a 341 00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:34,980 great deal of distress. 342 00:20:35,380 --> 00:20:36,380 Oh, good. 343 00:20:37,300 --> 00:20:40,820 The police forces of southern England have been scouring the countryside for 344 00:20:40,820 --> 00:20:43,560 you. But why didn't you ring us on the car phone? 345 00:20:44,100 --> 00:20:45,980 Save an awful lot of scouring time. 346 00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:48,000 Oh. 347 00:20:48,140 --> 00:20:50,980 Well, I'm sure the constable is a very busy man. Maybe we could get on? 348 00:20:51,300 --> 00:20:54,050 Well... Seeing as there's no harm done, sir, I don't think we need to take the 349 00:20:54,050 --> 00:20:54,909 matter any further. 350 00:20:54,910 --> 00:20:55,809 That's most kind. 351 00:20:55,810 --> 00:20:56,810 Most understanding. 352 00:20:57,110 --> 00:20:59,770 Nay. Sir, I bid you all good day. Just a minute. 353 00:20:59,970 --> 00:21:00,889 Yes, sir? 354 00:21:00,890 --> 00:21:02,250 We demand justice. 355 00:21:02,610 --> 00:21:03,610 Oh, God. 356 00:21:04,110 --> 00:21:05,110 Justice, sir? 357 00:21:05,350 --> 00:21:08,190 Justice, constable. Shut up, you silly old prat. 358 00:21:10,090 --> 00:21:15,430 As far as I can see, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we have been 359 00:21:15,430 --> 00:21:17,370 charged. You haven't been charged at all, sir. 360 00:21:17,590 --> 00:21:19,170 Please only answer direct questions. 361 00:21:19,410 --> 00:21:20,410 Court is in session. 362 00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:22,840 This is not a film. This is real life. 363 00:21:23,220 --> 00:21:24,240 They should castrate him. 364 00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:26,560 Silence! 365 00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:30,860 Any further interruptions when I shall have to clear the court? 366 00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:35,120 Now, Constable, do I have your undivided attention? 367 00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:38,320 You do, sir. 368 00:21:38,540 --> 00:21:39,540 Good. 369 00:21:40,260 --> 00:21:44,420 Now, you said just now that you didn't wish to lay charges against my client, 370 00:21:44,500 --> 00:21:45,299 Miss Trentyard. 371 00:21:45,300 --> 00:21:46,360 No, sir. And why was that? 372 00:21:46,700 --> 00:21:49,420 Well, not really necessary, sir. It's down to my discretion, you know. 373 00:21:49,930 --> 00:21:52,930 She screams like a nice old lady. Ah, there we have it. 374 00:21:53,170 --> 00:21:57,430 Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, a nice old lady. 375 00:21:58,330 --> 00:22:02,390 We can ignore the word nice, and it has absolutely nothing to do with my 376 00:22:02,390 --> 00:22:03,390 client's character. 377 00:22:04,650 --> 00:22:10,390 We can accept the word lady, as that is self -evident, which leaves us with but 378 00:22:10,390 --> 00:22:12,990 one word, and what is that word, Constable? 379 00:22:13,290 --> 00:22:14,290 Old. 380 00:22:15,050 --> 00:22:17,810 So you didn't bring charges because she was what, Constable? 381 00:22:18,959 --> 00:22:19,959 Oh. 382 00:22:20,700 --> 00:22:21,539 Louder, please. 383 00:22:21,540 --> 00:22:22,540 She was old. 384 00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:26,280 Well, I don't think she would want not to be charged because she was decrepit. 385 00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:27,379 He said old. 386 00:22:27,380 --> 00:22:34,160 I think she would prefer not to be charged because she was innocent. 387 00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:35,920 Sorry, sir? 388 00:22:36,340 --> 00:22:39,420 What made you go in pursuit of Miss Trent? We've been told to look after the 389 00:22:39,420 --> 00:22:40,660 car, sir. The car wasn't speeding? 390 00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:43,960 No, sir. Or committing any other visible offence? No, sir. Nevertheless, you 391 00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:44,960 still saw fit. 392 00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:48,760 to stop the car and insist that the driver of my client should follow you 393 00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:52,060 here at a very boring 20 miles an hour. Right. 394 00:22:53,180 --> 00:22:55,140 I have here Miss Trent's licence. 395 00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:59,820 Is this a valid licence? 396 00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:01,280 Please look at it. 397 00:23:02,520 --> 00:23:03,419 Yes, sir. 398 00:23:03,420 --> 00:23:05,320 Can you tell me what groups it covers? 399 00:23:06,220 --> 00:23:09,140 A, B, C, D, F and G, sir. 400 00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:10,440 Exactly. 401 00:23:10,890 --> 00:23:15,730 Miss Trent is not only entitled to drive a Porsche car, but also a motorbike 402 00:23:15,730 --> 00:23:21,610 with or without sidecar, an agricultural tractor, and, if she so desires, a road 403 00:23:21,610 --> 00:23:22,610 roller. 404 00:23:22,870 --> 00:23:27,510 So, if she wasn't speeding, had a valid licence, and was breaking no known laws, 405 00:23:27,750 --> 00:23:32,290 what the blue blazes do you think you were doing, pulling her over and 406 00:23:32,290 --> 00:23:35,830 her back home like a naughty child? I was just obeying orders, sir. That 407 00:23:35,830 --> 00:23:37,690 has terrible precedent, Constable. 408 00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:41,400 I was told the car was being driven by someone who is incapable of handling 409 00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:42,059 a car. 410 00:23:42,060 --> 00:23:44,460 But now you know this to be untrue. Yes, sir. 411 00:23:44,700 --> 00:23:47,060 So you have been misled. Yes, sir. And what is it called? 412 00:23:47,320 --> 00:23:49,340 Wasting Police Times, now. An offence, I believe. 413 00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:50,880 Yes, sir. And who did the misleading? 414 00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:52,280 Did you see him in the court? 415 00:23:52,740 --> 00:23:54,080 It was that man there, sir. 416 00:23:54,340 --> 00:23:58,000 Mr. Harvey Bain, you're sure of that? Yes, sir. Just a minute. 417 00:23:58,200 --> 00:24:01,320 Do your duty, constable. Would you mind escort me down to the station, please, 418 00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:04,800 sir? Why, yes, I would mind. Don't make it hard on yourself, sir. All I was 419 00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:06,620 doing was taking... Bye -bye, Harry. 420 00:24:08,090 --> 00:24:09,310 It's Harvey. Come along, sir. 421 00:24:12,110 --> 00:24:13,110 Justice? 422 00:24:13,950 --> 00:24:14,950 Justice. 423 00:24:17,590 --> 00:24:21,190 He got off, you know, Harvey Baines. 424 00:24:21,450 --> 00:24:23,830 I didn't think they were going to bring back hanging just for him. 425 00:24:24,210 --> 00:24:25,210 Oh, no. 426 00:24:25,610 --> 00:24:27,910 Pity they couldn't manage a little flogging, though. 427 00:24:28,430 --> 00:24:32,050 He'd be quite well in there for a fossilised old fruit loop. 428 00:24:32,550 --> 00:24:34,770 He'd hang out in the real world more often. 429 00:24:35,230 --> 00:24:36,230 You think, though? 430 00:24:36,430 --> 00:24:37,430 Why not? 431 00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:41,940 You could be a sort of late developer, sort of Grandma or Grandpa Moses. 432 00:24:43,460 --> 00:24:44,460 You're right. 433 00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:46,320 Absolutely right. 434 00:24:46,780 --> 00:24:48,200 And it's never too late to start. 435 00:24:49,760 --> 00:24:53,580 From now on, I'm going to be brilliant and famous in the real world. 436 00:24:54,540 --> 00:24:56,260 No more fantasies. Jolly good. 437 00:24:57,640 --> 00:25:01,560 I'll get on to Jimmy Stewart right away and we'll really turn the place upside 438 00:25:01,560 --> 00:25:02,560 down. 439 00:25:03,900 --> 00:25:07,140 Come Christmas, I should at least be front -runner for president. 440 00:25:08,030 --> 00:25:15,030 My fellow Americans, think not what your country can do for you, 441 00:25:15,110 --> 00:25:19,530 but what you can do for your country. 442 00:25:20,270 --> 00:25:25,510 Dear God, if you want to prove to me that you really do exist, blow him up.