1 00:00:00,700 --> 00:00:04,290 "DANSE MACABRE" BY SAINT SAËNS) 2 00:00:26,460 --> 00:00:30,250 I'm sorry, Miss Sallinger, there are a lot of names here. 3 00:00:30,420 --> 00:00:34,410 I just need to separate them all in my head. 4 00:00:34,580 --> 00:00:37,410 Felicity Vale was in bed with this chap Neville? 5 00:00:37,620 --> 00:00:41,330 And when Duncan walked in and found them together... 6 00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:44,490 I mean, he was just ga-ga about Fliss. 7 00:00:45,020 --> 00:00:49,170 Ga-ga all told. God knows how much he'd drunk that night. 8 00:00:49,340 --> 00:00:52,010 He just opened a window and... 9 00:00:53,260 --> 00:00:55,450 OK. We'll leave it there for tonight. 10 00:00:57,380 --> 00:01:00,970 Obviously, I'll need more from both of you. 11 00:01:01,180 --> 00:01:05,410 For now, we'll organise a couple of cars to run you home. 12 00:01:05,580 --> 00:01:07,570 You see to that. 13 00:01:10,980 --> 00:01:14,610 You two haven't got to be anywhere special, have you? 14 00:01:15,580 --> 00:01:19,540 Er, look... We've already told you everything we... 15 00:01:19,700 --> 00:01:23,850 But I don't think we got a formal statement down, did we? 16 00:01:25,980 --> 00:01:30,210 If you just pop next door with WPC Hicks for a moment... 17 00:01:37,100 --> 00:01:40,410 .. while I get your version down in here. 18 00:01:41,620 --> 00:01:46,130 What do you mean, "version"? I don't very much like the implication... 19 00:01:46,300 --> 00:01:49,490 Madeline... Magellan. 20 00:01:49,700 --> 00:01:53,930 How are we spelling that surname? Oh, hang on. Of course. 21 00:01:55,460 --> 00:01:59,090 It'll be on here, won't it? 22 00:01:59,700 --> 00:02:02,500 "Scales of Injustice". 23 00:02:02,660 --> 00:02:09,930 "An exposé of ten shamefully inept criminal prosecutions compiled by... " 24 00:02:11,300 --> 00:02:14,020 One G, two Ls. 25 00:02:18,500 --> 00:02:20,490 This is unreal. 26 00:02:22,060 --> 00:02:24,050 What am I, Joseph K? 27 00:02:27,460 --> 00:02:31,340 You realise this is completely illegal when I haven't been charged? 28 00:02:36,900 --> 00:02:38,690 Look... 29 00:02:39,700 --> 00:02:42,170 I need to go to the toilet. 30 00:03:04,940 --> 00:03:07,770 But... You're not going to give him the key?! 31 00:03:09,940 --> 00:03:11,930 You're not serious? 32 00:03:12,980 --> 00:03:16,130 You know what? This is bordering on date rape. 33 00:03:16,300 --> 00:03:19,330 Before you touch anything, I demand to see your fingernails! 34 00:03:20,980 --> 00:03:24,410 So, just to get my bearings again here... 35 00:03:26,140 --> 00:03:32,900 when we arrived, the front door was bolted on the inside... wasn't it? 36 00:03:33,060 --> 00:03:37,570 Back door locked. Windows all locked. 37 00:03:37,740 --> 00:03:41,410 And the only people inside the house, apart from the victim, 38 00:03:41,580 --> 00:03:45,490 were you and your friend Lassie in there. 39 00:03:46,620 --> 00:03:48,410 Oh, what...? 40 00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:54,220 We both strangled her, then rang you up so you'd come and arrest us 41 00:03:54,420 --> 00:03:58,410 Hang on. Not too fast. "We both strangled... " 42 00:03:58,620 --> 00:04:01,050 Oh, very good. 43 00:04:02,540 --> 00:04:08,170 Why was it, do you suppose, you weren't nominated at the British Comedy Awards? 44 00:04:11,620 --> 00:04:14,650 Come on. Wakey-wakey. 45 00:04:19,020 --> 00:04:21,090 Hello? 46 00:04:34,420 --> 00:04:35,850 Uh! 47 00:04:38,340 --> 00:04:41,570 Not funny, Jonathan Creek... 48 00:04:42,660 --> 00:04:44,930 in any respect. 49 00:04:45,100 --> 00:04:47,900 Oh, God. 50 00:04:49,220 --> 00:04:52,210 I was being strangled by a giant badger. 51 00:04:52,820 --> 00:04:54,850 What time is it? 52 00:04:55,020 --> 00:04:59,370 Practically time to go to bed. We didn't get in till gone seven. 53 00:05:00,260 --> 00:05:04,460 Those bastards. Wait till I get the chance to make them sweat. 54 00:05:05,100 --> 00:05:08,570 How come when I stay at your place, I get the sofa, 55 00:05:08,860 --> 00:05:11,660 and when you stay here, I still get the sofa? 56 00:05:11,860 --> 00:05:15,690 Because you're being terribly chivalrous and gentlemanly, 57 00:05:15,860 --> 00:05:19,090 and very solicitous of my welfare. 58 00:05:19,260 --> 00:05:21,250 Don't I get any food? 59 00:05:23,100 --> 00:05:27,300 So, logically, there are only two possibilities here, basically. 60 00:05:27,460 --> 00:05:29,450 Number one, Kitty got it wrong 61 00:05:29,660 --> 00:05:34,780 and she didn't see this Duncan Proctor, just someone who looked a bit like him. 62 00:05:35,940 --> 00:05:39,490 Or two, it was him, and he isn't really dead. 63 00:05:40,660 --> 00:05:46,130 Except his chums were there when he threw himself out of that window. 64 00:05:46,300 --> 00:05:48,860 - Is that what she said? - That's what she said. 65 00:05:49,060 --> 00:05:52,090 - Where do you keep your salt? - That cupboard. 66 00:05:53,900 --> 00:05:56,570 Top shelf, right at the back... 67 00:05:56,780 --> 00:05:59,530 there's a leaflet explaining why it's bad for you. 68 00:06:06,380 --> 00:06:09,100 All right... Evidence. 69 00:06:09,740 --> 00:06:11,730 Wish I'd made a list now, 70 00:06:11,900 --> 00:06:15,330 but no doubt you can remember it all, Mr Photographic Memory. 71 00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:18,690 That pipe under the washbasin. 72 00:06:19,620 --> 00:06:22,130 Duncan Proctor was a pipe-smoker. 73 00:06:22,300 --> 00:06:24,810 You'll say it could have been put there deliberately. 74 00:06:24,980 --> 00:06:27,090 - It WAS put there deliberately. - Because? 75 00:06:27,740 --> 00:06:31,940 If it had fallen from a pocket, the loose ash would have spilled out. 76 00:06:33,260 --> 00:06:38,330 Hang on. This doesn't make sense, does it? Why frame a man who's dead? 77 00:06:38,540 --> 00:06:43,570 Why did he take her stockings off after he killed her and throw them in that bin? 78 00:06:44,180 --> 00:06:46,250 How do you work that out? 79 00:06:46,420 --> 00:06:50,890 You said three had been washed. The other two she was obviously wearing. 80 00:06:51,060 --> 00:06:55,570 - Why obviously? - Her shoes were next to her on the floor. 81 00:06:55,740 --> 00:06:59,620 A pair of tight-fitting boots. There's no way they fell off. 82 00:06:59,780 --> 00:07:03,490 They were deliberately removed there in the bathroom. 83 00:07:03,700 --> 00:07:07,090 - Would you wear those boots on bare feet? - All right, 84 00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:09,410 but the word "why" springs to mind. 85 00:07:10,900 --> 00:07:14,890 It's got an echo of something I just can't access. 86 00:07:16,140 --> 00:07:18,860 What the hell does that remind you of? 87 00:07:21,300 --> 00:07:24,730 Oh, it'll come when it's ready. What are your plans for today? 88 00:07:25,660 --> 00:07:30,170 My plans? OUR plans. What do you think? Going back to Gallows Gate. 89 00:07:30,380 --> 00:07:33,450 To find out how a woman could be murdered by a ghost. 90 00:07:36,260 --> 00:07:40,490 You've seen everything there is to see. I've had three journalists here already. 91 00:07:40,700 --> 00:07:44,090 My hairdryer's just exploded, so it's not the best time... 92 00:07:44,300 --> 00:07:49,210 No problem. Jonathan's brilliant with anything electrical, aren't you? 93 00:07:53,260 --> 00:07:56,690 So, she was here first, then, Felicity? 94 00:07:56,860 --> 00:07:59,930 - You'd been sharing how long? - Coming up to two years. 95 00:08:00,100 --> 00:08:05,220 Ironically, I thought it'd be safer out here from crime, burglaries. 96 00:08:05,380 --> 00:08:11,090 Well, you've been on the receiving end. You know London. I never dreamt... 97 00:08:15,300 --> 00:08:18,970 What did she do, then, exactly? Some sort of graphic designer? 98 00:08:19,140 --> 00:08:21,290 She was a cartoonist. Animation work. 99 00:08:21,460 --> 00:08:26,580 Have you seen that advert for soup with the mushrooms jumping into a pot? 100 00:08:26,740 --> 00:08:30,130 You're kidding? Are you an artist, as well? 101 00:08:30,300 --> 00:08:33,290 Me? Can't draw a circle round a penny. 102 00:08:33,500 --> 00:08:36,410 Osteopathy is my line of work. 103 00:08:36,580 --> 00:08:40,090 I have a little practice in town, off the Charing Cross Road. 104 00:08:40,260 --> 00:08:46,410 Last night was a bit of a late one. If I'd got back half an hour earlier... 105 00:09:06,740 --> 00:09:09,410 Oh, this is ridiculous! 106 00:09:09,900 --> 00:09:13,650 - Problem? - The tape's gone from the answerphone. 107 00:09:13,820 --> 00:09:16,210 Yes, I noticed that last night. 108 00:09:16,380 --> 00:09:19,410 No, I mean the second one. 109 00:09:19,620 --> 00:09:23,820 I put another tape in this morning to replace the one that went missing. 110 00:09:24,820 --> 00:09:29,290 Now that's gone, as well. How in the name of God did that...? 111 00:09:30,420 --> 00:09:32,650 Oh, great. We back in action? 112 00:09:37,700 --> 00:09:39,690 I did my best. 113 00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:44,370 This party you all went to at Duncan's house, where did you say it was? 114 00:09:44,540 --> 00:09:48,370 Northumberland. The other end of the earth, it felt like. 115 00:09:48,540 --> 00:09:52,130 - He lived there on his own? - Had no family, as far as I know. 116 00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:54,810 He'd been in the Army a while, 117 00:09:54,980 --> 00:09:58,890 had friends still serving, but he never saw it as a career. 118 00:10:02,900 --> 00:10:06,370 And when he met Felicity, he just fell hopelessly in love? 119 00:10:06,540 --> 00:10:08,570 I don't think Duncan loved Fliss. 120 00:10:08,740 --> 00:10:12,490 She wasn't easy to love. She wasn't easy to understand at all. 121 00:10:12,660 --> 00:10:15,770 He was obsessed with her, which is quite another thing. 122 00:10:15,940 --> 00:10:20,890 That's why he did it, I'm sure, when he found out about Neville - to punish her. 123 00:10:21,060 --> 00:10:24,130 Of course, a week later, Neville had already found someone else. 124 00:10:24,300 --> 00:10:27,290 - Oriental lady? - That's right. 125 00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:31,500 He'd told Fliss it was all over. She just couldn't deal with it. 126 00:10:31,660 --> 00:10:34,770 I mean, it demolished her completely. 127 00:10:36,660 --> 00:10:39,220 So... how did he do it? 128 00:10:42,340 --> 00:10:44,410 - Sorry? - Duncan. 129 00:10:44,620 --> 00:10:48,690 How could he have jumped to his death in full view of everyone, 130 00:10:48,860 --> 00:10:51,690 and then come back to commit a murder? 131 00:10:51,860 --> 00:10:53,850 How can he possibly be alive? 132 00:10:54,820 --> 00:10:57,330 - Well, he can't, can he? - Yet he is. 133 00:10:59,580 --> 00:11:03,810 - What do you mean? - I thought that was why you both... 134 00:11:03,980 --> 00:11:06,970 - You mean you don't know? - Know what? 135 00:11:08,140 --> 00:11:10,860 The police rang just before you arrived. 136 00:11:11,020 --> 00:11:15,490 Those boots Felicity was wearing that she bought only three days ago, 137 00:11:15,660 --> 00:11:18,620 Duncan's fingerprints were all over them. 138 00:11:23,340 --> 00:11:24,770 Oh! 139 00:11:24,940 --> 00:11:27,410 Oh, I don't know what to say! 140 00:11:28,740 --> 00:11:31,010 One word would do it. 141 00:11:31,620 --> 00:11:33,410 "Yes. " 142 00:11:35,580 --> 00:11:39,460 Evening. Neville Bruce, is it? We haven't met. Madeline Magellan. 143 00:11:39,620 --> 00:11:44,010 I hope you don't mind. I rang your secretary. She was incredibly helpful. 144 00:11:44,180 --> 00:11:47,770 Very nice telephone manner. I'd hang on to her. 145 00:11:48,540 --> 00:11:53,450 Tell me if I'm interrupting anything. I just need a word about Felicity Vale, 146 00:11:53,620 --> 00:11:57,290 who I understand you were heavily involved with before, um... 147 00:11:58,500 --> 00:12:01,530 You know, obviously, that she was found dead last night. 148 00:12:01,740 --> 00:12:05,700 I've told the police everything I know. Who are you? 149 00:12:05,900 --> 00:12:10,770 I'm a professional investigator for the deceased's life assurance company. 150 00:12:11,740 --> 00:12:17,180 Any information you have could help speed up the processing of her family's claim. 151 00:12:17,340 --> 00:12:23,250 I was wondering, for instance, when you last actually saw Miss Vale alive? 152 00:12:23,420 --> 00:12:28,970 It would have been a couple of days ago. She came to my house, rather hysterical. 153 00:12:29,180 --> 00:12:32,890 I had to be blunt with her about how things stood. 154 00:12:33,780 --> 00:12:38,930 I don't know if they told you, but a witness saw the murder take place. 155 00:12:39,100 --> 00:12:42,530 - In fact, she's identified the killer... - As Duncan Proctor, 156 00:12:42,700 --> 00:12:45,010 which speaks volumes about her reliability. 157 00:12:45,180 --> 00:12:48,730 - Well, she's looked at a lot of photos... - Forgive me, 158 00:12:48,900 --> 00:12:51,090 but I was there when he jumped. 159 00:12:51,300 --> 00:12:56,050 I saw him on the ground. No human being could walk away from that. 160 00:12:56,260 --> 00:12:58,690 The man is dead. I'm sorry, she's mistaken. 161 00:12:58,900 --> 00:13:02,970 She could be mistaken, Mr Bruce, but how do we explain the fingerprints? 162 00:13:03,180 --> 00:13:07,530 - Fingerprints? - His prints were all over her shoes. 163 00:13:07,740 --> 00:13:11,090 And the door handles. Everywhere. It's all been checked. 164 00:13:11,300 --> 00:13:15,610 I think I'll have the roast salmon mousse and artichoke hearts. Thanks. 165 00:13:17,100 --> 00:13:21,300 So, any background you can give me, really, on this young lady. 166 00:13:21,460 --> 00:13:25,690 I'll try not to be too indelicate, but it could impact upon the crime. 167 00:13:25,860 --> 00:13:28,250 During the period you were having sex together, 168 00:13:28,460 --> 00:13:31,930 did she ever talk in her sleep, can you remember? 169 00:13:32,100 --> 00:13:34,090 About other lovers? 170 00:13:34,260 --> 00:13:40,050 Or at a critical moment, for instance, accidentally scream someone else's name? 171 00:13:44,300 --> 00:13:47,690 Oh, it's like travelling back to the Stone Age coming here. 172 00:13:48,860 --> 00:13:53,610 I mean, this is the pits, Jonathan! It hasn't even got an S! 173 00:13:53,780 --> 00:13:57,660 - The S has completely snapped off! - Try not to use it, then. 174 00:13:57,820 --> 00:14:01,290 It's the most common letter in the English language! 175 00:14:01,460 --> 00:14:06,580 No, it's not. E is the most common. S is the 8th most common, 176 00:14:06,740 --> 00:14:10,210 After E, T, A, O, N, R and I. 177 00:14:10,420 --> 00:14:15,860 Oh, you'd have to know that, wouldn't you? Useless piece of information. 178 00:14:16,020 --> 00:14:18,980 Not useless at all if you're trying to crack a cipher. 179 00:14:19,180 --> 00:14:23,140 Funnily enough, I'm not cracking a cipher at this precise moment. 180 00:14:23,300 --> 00:14:25,940 I'm not actually cracking anything very much. 181 00:14:26,100 --> 00:14:30,220 I've got a murder committed by a dead man in a house he couldn't have got out of, 182 00:14:30,380 --> 00:14:32,690 involving a girl found horribly "trangled" 183 00:14:32,860 --> 00:14:35,850 with her "hoe" and "tocking" removed in the "downtair" cloakroom! 184 00:14:36,060 --> 00:14:39,490 Oh, have you ever heard of silence?! 185 00:14:40,580 --> 00:14:44,330 I'm trying to achieve a level of abstract thought here, 186 00:14:44,500 --> 00:14:48,050 trying to prise this... whatever it is out of my memory. 187 00:14:48,980 --> 00:14:51,450 What is it? Let me have a go. 188 00:14:52,300 --> 00:14:56,130 I told you, I can't put it into words. 189 00:14:56,300 --> 00:14:59,850 It's purely intuitive. It's just a feeling. 190 00:15:00,020 --> 00:15:03,170 It won't come into focus till it's ready. 191 00:15:05,020 --> 00:15:08,770 I thought perhaps that image might have triggered it, but... 192 00:15:10,060 --> 00:15:14,530 - I could put them on. - The point is, they've been taken off! 193 00:15:19,460 --> 00:15:23,450 Yes, this is the home of Cro-Magnon Man. Can I help? Clare! 194 00:15:24,380 --> 00:15:28,580 You're kidding? She's had another tape stolen from the answering machine. 195 00:15:28,740 --> 00:15:32,780 What? You put a third one in, and when you got back that... 196 00:15:32,940 --> 00:15:38,250 If someone was trying to find a message, but didn't know which tape it was on... 197 00:15:39,220 --> 00:15:44,740 It depends what you mean by progress. To be honest, we were both just saying, 198 00:15:44,900 --> 00:15:50,340 the only way we're going to solve this, basically, is to actually go up there... 199 00:15:50,540 --> 00:15:53,650 - weren't we? - Yes, I suppo... 200 00:15:55,300 --> 00:15:56,810 Up where? 201 00:15:58,180 --> 00:16:01,570 Northumberland?! Have you any idea how long this will take? 202 00:16:01,780 --> 00:16:04,500 I've got the route sorted. Five hours, max. 203 00:16:04,660 --> 00:16:07,250 - And the rest, with your navigation. - Look... 204 00:16:07,420 --> 00:16:10,850 Anyway, I wonder how the police are faring at the cottage? 205 00:16:11,020 --> 00:16:14,490 - I don't envy them that job one bit. - What job? 206 00:16:14,700 --> 00:16:20,290 I gave Detective Inspector Barrison a ring this morning before we left. 207 00:16:20,460 --> 00:16:22,570 That business about the answering machine? 208 00:16:22,780 --> 00:16:28,220 Of course, there was something I completely forgot to tell him. 209 00:16:28,380 --> 00:16:32,170 I saw one of those tapes floating in the lavatory, 210 00:16:32,380 --> 00:16:37,050 and I accidentally knocked the handle and flushed it away. 211 00:16:37,220 --> 00:16:39,610 Probably a vital piece of evidence. 212 00:16:44,580 --> 00:16:49,090 Yes, all right. Haven't you ever seen a cesspit before? 213 00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:51,290 Let's get searching. 214 00:16:57,820 --> 00:17:00,380 "Was that the turning?" "Definitely. " 215 00:17:00,540 --> 00:17:04,770 "You saw a sign for the 6342?" "Yes, definitely. As God is my judge. " 216 00:17:04,940 --> 00:17:09,090 - Which is why we ended up in Gateshead. - I was sure it said 6342. 217 00:17:09,260 --> 00:17:14,170 How can Hadrian's Wall run north to south? The Romans divided the country lengthwise? 218 00:17:14,340 --> 00:17:18,570 - Two and a half hours we lost. - Will you give over moaning?! 219 00:17:18,740 --> 00:17:22,890 - I've forgotten what we're looking for. - A Victorian phone box. 220 00:17:23,060 --> 00:17:25,570 There it is. First left and we're there. 221 00:17:36,900 --> 00:17:40,650 This was completely open. Fliss nearly went in. 222 00:17:44,780 --> 00:17:49,530 His name's not been added yet. What do you reckon? Get a shovel and see? 223 00:17:49,700 --> 00:17:52,500 Yes, thank you, Dr Van Helsing. 224 00:17:52,980 --> 00:17:55,970 Perhaps if we look round first. 225 00:17:56,180 --> 00:18:00,610 Can you imagine anyone rattling around on their own in a place this size? 226 00:18:00,780 --> 00:18:05,770 It's immoral. You say he took it over when he came out of uniform? 227 00:18:05,940 --> 00:18:09,050 And his old Army pals, whatever their names were... 228 00:18:09,220 --> 00:18:12,250 - Ben and Buster. - .. were both at this party? 229 00:18:12,420 --> 00:18:16,090 - What do you know about them? - I avoided knowing them. 230 00:18:16,260 --> 00:18:20,300 They're still serving. They'll be back overseas somewhere by... 231 00:18:20,460 --> 00:18:22,690 What's he doing? 232 00:18:23,620 --> 00:18:25,610 The breaststroke? 233 00:18:31,340 --> 00:18:33,810 When you saw him on the ground, 234 00:18:34,900 --> 00:18:37,540 can you show me how he was lying? 235 00:18:37,700 --> 00:18:39,770 Yes, it was just here. 236 00:18:40,500 --> 00:18:43,650 His head was over the edge. No, a bit more... Yeah. 237 00:18:43,820 --> 00:18:47,250 Yeah, about like that, I'd say. 238 00:18:47,420 --> 00:18:50,410 - Roughly. - Still some blood where he landed. 239 00:18:50,580 --> 00:18:53,810 - Let me see. - Something very wrong there, 240 00:18:53,980 --> 00:18:55,970 - wouldn't you say? - Would I? 241 00:18:56,980 --> 00:18:58,970 Didn't you ever watch "Quincy"? 242 00:19:38,740 --> 00:19:43,810 Felicity's birthday present to Duncan. I don't think he was exactly overwhelmed. 243 00:19:47,220 --> 00:19:51,260 You want to get that seen to by a qualified osteopath. 244 00:19:51,420 --> 00:19:54,450 What do you think? Give him a quick seeing to? 245 00:19:54,620 --> 00:19:57,210 - I could have a look... - Yes, thanks all the same. 246 00:19:57,380 --> 00:20:01,170 Anything that involves turning my skeleton inside out, I get twitchy. 247 00:20:01,340 --> 00:20:04,650 Oh, just get your kit off! 248 00:20:08,220 --> 00:20:10,290 Right. Are you sure? 249 00:20:12,420 --> 00:20:16,050 Nothing. OK. And that's for the whole night and the morning. 250 00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:21,730 The 21st and the 22nd? 251 00:20:21,900 --> 00:20:24,050 All right. That's great. 252 00:20:24,940 --> 00:20:27,690 Thanks for your help, then. Bye. 253 00:20:44,580 --> 00:20:46,930 Oh. Where is it, then? 254 00:20:48,060 --> 00:20:52,050 - Where's what? - Sorry, I thought I heard a baby up here, 255 00:20:52,220 --> 00:20:54,780 screaming its head off. 256 00:20:54,940 --> 00:20:59,450 OK, three out of the four local funeral directors haven't heard of him. 257 00:20:59,620 --> 00:21:04,610 The other one, I couldn't get hold of. Local rag, nothing in the obit columns. 258 00:21:04,780 --> 00:21:08,980 But most importantly, the hospital have no record of any Duncan Proctor - 259 00:21:09,140 --> 00:21:13,850 no admissions - no call-outs, even - to this address on the night in question. 260 00:21:14,020 --> 00:21:17,930 The ambulance came and took him away. We all saw it. 261 00:21:18,100 --> 00:21:21,210 What you see isn't always what's happening. 262 00:21:21,660 --> 00:21:26,050 What you all saw that night, I've got a horrible feeling, 263 00:21:26,220 --> 00:21:28,730 was a very brilliantly conceived hoax. 264 00:21:28,940 --> 00:21:31,500 Here we go. How it was done. 265 00:21:32,980 --> 00:21:36,970 I know how I'd have done it, but from what I've seen out there... 266 00:21:37,180 --> 00:21:39,490 - Sh! - What? 267 00:21:41,900 --> 00:21:43,890 - You hear that? - What? 268 00:21:45,500 --> 00:21:47,610 The front door just opened. 269 00:21:47,780 --> 00:21:49,770 There! It closed again. 270 00:21:50,940 --> 00:21:53,290 How can you hear that up here? 271 00:21:53,500 --> 00:21:58,410 Shh! There's someone moving about now in the hall. 272 00:21:59,700 --> 00:22:03,210 - Better go and have a look, then. - OK. 273 00:22:07,260 --> 00:22:10,490 - Why me? - Because you're the man. 274 00:23:54,860 --> 00:24:00,330 I don't think you'll find any badgers in there, will you, Mr Creek? 275 00:24:04,460 --> 00:24:06,610 What if they draw a blank? 276 00:24:07,700 --> 00:24:12,450 When they draw a blank, they'll fill it all in again. 277 00:24:13,700 --> 00:24:18,980 Duncan Proctor's body is no more at the bottom of that grave 278 00:24:19,140 --> 00:24:23,130 than that answer tape was in her sewage tank. 279 00:24:24,140 --> 00:24:27,930 My God. You mean the killer must have somehow realised 280 00:24:28,140 --> 00:24:31,650 and got there before you and fished it out? 281 00:24:31,820 --> 00:24:36,970 I don't think they'll be buying your next book, any of them. 282 00:24:37,140 --> 00:24:40,210 There's only so much crap a man can wade through. 283 00:24:42,980 --> 00:24:48,450 So... do you know this lover's leap thing was a set-up? 284 00:24:48,620 --> 00:24:52,580 A dead man's not going to be suspected of murder. 285 00:24:52,740 --> 00:24:59,500 What we in our flat-footed ignorance are still trying to figure out 286 00:24:59,660 --> 00:25:03,250 is how the hell he faked it. 287 00:25:05,380 --> 00:25:07,970 Someone said you work for a magician. 288 00:25:09,620 --> 00:25:12,970 How uncannily appropriate. 289 00:25:14,820 --> 00:25:18,010 Well, I've had a sniff round... 290 00:25:19,180 --> 00:25:21,980 - given it a bit of thought. - Go on. 291 00:25:30,900 --> 00:25:35,050 Three people saw him jump, everyone saw him on the ground, 292 00:25:35,220 --> 00:25:37,610 but nobody saw him land. 293 00:25:37,780 --> 00:25:42,730 In between was a gap of maybe eight seconds, when they did the clever bit. 294 00:25:43,620 --> 00:25:46,370 - They? - He couldn't do it on his own. 295 00:25:46,540 --> 00:25:50,500 He needed at least two accomplices - one up top and one below. 296 00:25:50,700 --> 00:25:56,170 - Buster and Ben. - Whatever their names were. 297 00:25:56,340 --> 00:25:59,170 His two chums from the Lancers. 298 00:25:59,420 --> 00:26:04,780 Look how it stands up. Duncan's got this total mind-numbing crush on Felicity. 299 00:26:04,940 --> 00:26:07,410 He knows she's screwing Neville. 300 00:26:07,580 --> 00:26:10,250 He decides to teach 'em both a lesson. 301 00:26:10,420 --> 00:26:15,410 It's the sort of sick joke three drunken soldiers would dream up between them. 302 00:26:15,940 --> 00:26:18,450 They just go for it, like a military exercise. 303 00:26:19,420 --> 00:26:22,570 Leaping off the second floor balcony is no big deal 304 00:26:22,740 --> 00:26:25,210 if there's something to catch you at the bottom. 305 00:26:27,140 --> 00:26:29,130 You dug yourself a big hole 306 00:26:29,300 --> 00:26:31,890 with a tightly sprung net inside, 307 00:26:32,100 --> 00:26:35,170 rigged up the camouflage frame covered in turf, 308 00:26:35,340 --> 00:26:38,650 which slides across in seconds, so you can't see the join. 309 00:26:38,820 --> 00:26:43,210 As per the plan, one of them rushes in as he's about to jump... 310 00:26:45,940 --> 00:26:51,730 so if the other two get to the balcony too quickly, he can hold them back. 311 00:26:52,620 --> 00:26:57,740 During which time, Duncan's out of the net and into position. 312 00:26:59,060 --> 00:27:02,370 The hole's disappeared and so has his friend, 313 00:27:02,540 --> 00:27:06,330 making sure he's first on the scene to pronounce him dead 314 00:27:07,020 --> 00:27:09,010 and wave everyone else away. 315 00:27:10,460 --> 00:27:13,370 Half an hour later, he's whisked off in an ambulance. 316 00:27:13,540 --> 00:27:17,170 It could have been a couple of locals who were in on it. 317 00:27:17,340 --> 00:27:21,380 It could have been pukka ambulance drivers paid to keep their mouths shut. 318 00:27:21,540 --> 00:27:27,250 The main thing is, his body's gone, and no one asks any questions. 319 00:27:28,660 --> 00:27:31,090 They've put it all right again afterwards, obviously. 320 00:27:31,260 --> 00:27:36,210 Although you can see a slight camber where the level's a bit off. 321 00:27:36,380 --> 00:27:39,970 And, of course, there was the dummy blood on the patio, 322 00:27:40,140 --> 00:27:44,730 carefully deposited just before he fell to look fresh. 323 00:27:44,900 --> 00:27:48,890 Problem is, you can see from the scalloped edges around the splash marks, 324 00:27:49,060 --> 00:27:51,940 they'd been dropped from a height of several feet. 325 00:27:52,100 --> 00:27:55,770 And you don't normally start bleeding before you hit the ground. 326 00:28:01,180 --> 00:28:06,650 These two squaddies are serving abroad somewhere, did I hear? 327 00:28:06,860 --> 00:28:09,250 But their house in Maida Vale could... 328 00:28:10,500 --> 00:28:13,060 My God, I've just had a thought. 329 00:28:14,180 --> 00:28:16,650 Well, he's got to be hiding somewhere. 330 00:28:28,980 --> 00:28:32,010 What the hell do you want? You can't do this! 331 00:28:32,180 --> 00:28:34,170 Ah! What have I done? 332 00:29:11,260 --> 00:29:14,530 Kitty, Kitty, Kitty. Come on. 333 00:29:14,700 --> 00:29:18,170 Er, Inspector... So, that's it? You're finished with her? 334 00:29:18,340 --> 00:29:20,410 She can go back to Scotland? 335 00:29:20,580 --> 00:29:23,050 Mr Klaus, we've barely started with her. 336 00:29:23,220 --> 00:29:27,730 As long as Proctor exercises his right to silence, she's the only case we've got. 337 00:29:27,900 --> 00:29:30,330 - Fingerprints alone won't do it. - Inspector... 338 00:29:31,500 --> 00:29:35,330 You can't know how deeply traumatised this experience has left my sister. 339 00:29:35,500 --> 00:29:39,170 - She can't sleep. - There's many a night I can't sleep. 340 00:29:39,380 --> 00:29:44,740 No, no. You don't understand the full horror of the situation. 341 00:29:46,740 --> 00:29:50,410 She can't sleep... alone. 342 00:30:00,540 --> 00:30:02,530 Three o'clock in the morning, 343 00:30:02,700 --> 00:30:06,170 like something from the nightmare world of M.R. James, 344 00:30:06,340 --> 00:30:12,090 as the duvet is lifted up... and you feel it sliding in beside you. 345 00:30:12,940 --> 00:30:18,380 Oh, to wake in the night... to those eyes staring at you on the pillow. 346 00:30:18,540 --> 00:30:23,530 For mercy's sake, Inspector, I'm appealing to you for clemency. 347 00:30:24,700 --> 00:30:26,890 I'm sorry. We need her down here. 348 00:30:37,860 --> 00:30:42,090 Ah, now, I like this one. It's got a Pentium processor, CD-ROM. 349 00:30:42,260 --> 00:30:45,850 Whoo! Look at this. State-of-the-art stuff, it's got an S. 350 00:30:46,020 --> 00:30:49,410 You could type words like "floppy disc" instead of "floppy dic". 351 00:30:49,580 --> 00:30:51,570 Just browsing, thanks. 352 00:30:59,620 --> 00:31:02,850 So, this'll be chapter four. 353 00:31:06,700 --> 00:31:09,340 What do you reckon? A bit Perry Mason? 354 00:31:09,540 --> 00:31:11,610 Do for the time being, anyway. 355 00:31:11,780 --> 00:31:16,210 - Now. Intro... - I wonder why he won't confess? 356 00:31:17,220 --> 00:31:19,650 Proctor? Bit of a stupid question, isn't it? 357 00:31:19,820 --> 00:31:24,250 Why? He was seen throttling her to death through the window. 358 00:31:24,420 --> 00:31:27,690 It'd save a lot of time and money. 359 00:31:28,660 --> 00:31:33,810 It's all wrong still. There's still too much stuff left over that doesn't fit. 360 00:31:35,220 --> 00:31:38,530 Those three tapes that were stolen from her answering machine. 361 00:31:39,460 --> 00:31:42,570 They found one of the blank ones at that flat, 362 00:31:42,740 --> 00:31:46,290 but we don't know about the others or why they were taken. 363 00:31:46,460 --> 00:31:49,610 Well, there was a message he wanted to get back. 364 00:31:49,780 --> 00:31:53,450 Probably one he'd left himself that proved he was still alive. 365 00:31:53,620 --> 00:31:57,660 That would explain why he'd go back once, but why twice? 366 00:31:57,820 --> 00:32:03,450 To come away with a blank tape, it's obvious the message has been removed. 367 00:32:05,180 --> 00:32:09,140 What if the third tape was taken by someone else... 368 00:32:09,300 --> 00:32:12,570 who was also trying to get hold of that message, 369 00:32:12,740 --> 00:32:15,090 who didn't know Proctor had already got it? 370 00:32:24,340 --> 00:32:27,530 How long does insurance take?! I'm running out of showrooms. 371 00:32:27,700 --> 00:32:31,770 Of course, there's the other problem. Why did he take her stockings off her? 372 00:32:32,940 --> 00:32:37,850 Jonathan, you've got an unnatural fixation with this stockings thing, 373 00:32:38,020 --> 00:32:40,690 more than is healthy. 374 00:32:40,860 --> 00:32:44,450 Electric-shock therapy could be the answer. 375 00:32:44,620 --> 00:32:47,610 Stick your fingers in the cigarette lighter and concentrate hard 376 00:32:47,780 --> 00:32:50,340 on a pair of sheer... What? 377 00:32:51,700 --> 00:32:54,260 - What now? - THAT'S what it reminded me of. 378 00:32:54,420 --> 00:32:56,210 That's exactly it. 379 00:32:56,380 --> 00:32:58,850 - Bootlaces. - I beg your pardon? 380 00:32:59,660 --> 00:33:01,890 Different choice of words, in it popped. 381 00:33:02,060 --> 00:33:05,850 He didn't take off her stockings, he took her stockings off her. 382 00:33:06,500 --> 00:33:09,090 The police would never believe that, obviously. 383 00:33:09,260 --> 00:33:14,460 - That's why he's not saying anything. - About what? Stop talking Martian. 384 00:33:14,620 --> 00:33:18,970 Come on. We've got to go through this whole thing again, every detail, 385 00:33:19,140 --> 00:33:21,450 - what everyone said to you. - Why? 386 00:33:21,660 --> 00:33:25,650 So we can find out who really murdered Felicity Vale. 387 00:33:49,100 --> 00:33:51,450 Sorry. Sorry! 388 00:33:51,620 --> 00:33:55,970 I keep doing this, don't I? I keep interrupting your love life. 389 00:33:56,140 --> 00:33:59,130 This is our senior claims investigator, Mr Creek. 390 00:33:59,300 --> 00:34:04,210 We've been right back to the beginning of this case now with Miss Sallinger here, 391 00:34:04,380 --> 00:34:08,370 and there's some vital points we need to clarify with you and Mr Bruce. 392 00:34:08,540 --> 00:34:12,610 What the hell is your game? Can't you wait till tomorrow, for God's sake? 393 00:34:12,820 --> 00:34:15,890 - It's a quarter past midnight! - Is it? 394 00:34:16,060 --> 00:34:20,340 You'd better put some strong coffee on, then. Two sugars, thanks. 395 00:34:23,020 --> 00:34:28,770 Three tapes were stolen from the answering machine, one after the other. 396 00:34:30,020 --> 00:34:31,610 Why? 397 00:34:35,220 --> 00:34:38,930 Let's say there was a very important message on the original, 398 00:34:39,100 --> 00:34:43,250 which was removed from the machine on the night of the murder. 399 00:34:43,420 --> 00:34:47,170 The next day, Clare puts a new tape in, a blank one, 400 00:34:47,340 --> 00:34:49,650 which, at some point, is also stolen. 401 00:34:49,820 --> 00:34:53,700 And again, the day after that, the same thing happens. 402 00:34:53,860 --> 00:34:56,660 We know that Duncan Proctor had a blank tape. 403 00:34:56,860 --> 00:34:59,050 It was found at the flat by the police. 404 00:35:00,260 --> 00:35:04,050 The other one had to have been taken by someone else... 405 00:35:05,940 --> 00:35:09,930 who was just as desperate to get hold of that message. 406 00:35:12,100 --> 00:35:13,890 What? 407 00:35:14,620 --> 00:35:17,260 For God's... I... I mean... You...! 408 00:35:17,620 --> 00:35:21,250 - What?! - A young woman's lost her life, 409 00:35:21,420 --> 00:35:25,410 a woman you loved - or claimed to love, if only for five minutes. 410 00:35:25,580 --> 00:35:29,330 We're entitled to a bit more than splutters and a blank look. 411 00:35:29,500 --> 00:35:31,090 Neville? 412 00:35:35,300 --> 00:35:38,490 I just reached elastic limit, I'm sorry. 413 00:35:40,700 --> 00:35:44,450 When I saw what she'd done to Kiko with her scissors... 414 00:35:44,620 --> 00:35:50,490 I picked the phone, the machine was on, I tore into her, two minutes of poison. 415 00:35:50,660 --> 00:35:53,540 - And threats? - Warnings, certainly, 416 00:35:53,700 --> 00:35:57,090 about what would happen if I ever saw her again. 417 00:35:57,260 --> 00:36:02,290 Any rate, it wasn't a tape you want lying around after she'd been found murdered. 418 00:36:02,460 --> 00:36:06,250 The following day, I found a way in, grabbed the tape, 419 00:36:06,420 --> 00:36:09,410 hoping the message would still be on it. 420 00:36:09,580 --> 00:36:13,650 Of course, it wasn't... But then the pressure suddenly eased 421 00:36:13,820 --> 00:36:17,330 when you heard that Duncan Proctor had been seen. 422 00:36:17,500 --> 00:36:20,810 Even if that message did turn up, no one would suspect you. 423 00:36:21,020 --> 00:36:23,010 Yes, but I... 424 00:36:23,340 --> 00:36:26,930 You're not sugges... She saw him do it. 425 00:36:27,740 --> 00:36:30,490 He's been found alive and arrested. 426 00:36:30,660 --> 00:36:34,010 - Duncan strangled Felicity. - Except he didn't, actually. 427 00:36:34,220 --> 00:36:36,410 Of course, neither did you. 428 00:36:37,300 --> 00:36:42,050 That's why you rang her up, because you were nowhere near the cottage that night. 429 00:36:42,220 --> 00:36:47,500 But there was a third person in the house who saw the whole weird and wonderful event, 430 00:36:47,660 --> 00:36:50,970 and I think now's the time to say, don't you... 431 00:36:52,060 --> 00:36:53,850 Clare... 432 00:36:55,380 --> 00:36:57,890 and tell us how you murdered her? 433 00:37:01,300 --> 00:37:04,260 We've had an interesting afternoon with the police pathologist. 434 00:37:05,260 --> 00:37:08,060 It turns out those lesions in the victim's neck 435 00:37:08,220 --> 00:37:11,050 contained skin cells that didn't belong to Felicity or Duncan, 436 00:37:11,220 --> 00:37:16,250 but funnily enough, matched exactly to some still in Jonathan's shoulders 437 00:37:16,460 --> 00:37:19,970 after your fingers had been digging into him yesterday afternoon. 438 00:37:20,140 --> 00:37:23,930 You'll testify to the power of her grip, I think. 439 00:37:31,020 --> 00:37:34,980 Rozzers'll be waiting for you at home. I wouldn't bother going anywhere. 440 00:37:46,380 --> 00:37:49,690 Duncan was seen by a witness that night, 441 00:37:49,860 --> 00:37:53,210 violently strangling Felicity at the kitchen window. 442 00:37:53,580 --> 00:37:57,090 And yet, he did nothing of the kind. 443 00:37:58,780 --> 00:38:03,410 What Kitty saw, she didn't really see at all, did she? 444 00:38:06,740 --> 00:38:08,930 Felicity was so obvious. 445 00:38:10,020 --> 00:38:12,370 She didn't even have to try. 446 00:38:13,540 --> 00:38:16,690 But men like it obvious, don't they? 447 00:38:16,860 --> 00:38:19,130 Men like Duncan. 448 00:38:22,020 --> 00:38:25,810 In the space of three weeks, I went the distance - 449 00:38:25,980 --> 00:38:29,970 from idolising him, grieving for him... 450 00:38:31,020 --> 00:38:33,050 to despising the pair of them. 451 00:38:34,020 --> 00:38:37,930 He didn't love women. He just wanted them to love him. 452 00:38:39,980 --> 00:38:42,090 When I came back that night... 453 00:38:47,020 --> 00:38:50,450 I saw him there... alive. 454 00:38:52,180 --> 00:38:55,370 At first, I was too shocked to do anything. 455 00:38:57,660 --> 00:39:02,490 I heard him telling her what he'd done, how he'd gone to ground at Buster's, 456 00:39:02,660 --> 00:39:06,250 giving her all that phoney contrition, 457 00:39:06,460 --> 00:39:08,850 while she just ranted and raved. 458 00:39:09,020 --> 00:39:12,570 She was already in a complete state about Neville. 459 00:39:12,740 --> 00:39:15,770 It only needed one more push to send her over. 460 00:39:15,940 --> 00:39:19,530 And, of course, at that moment... 461 00:39:19,700 --> 00:39:21,290 it came. 462 00:39:27,380 --> 00:39:29,650 I've had it with you, Fliss. 463 00:39:29,820 --> 00:39:32,380 I've had it with your whole juvenile number. 464 00:39:32,540 --> 00:39:35,730 I'd say get a life, but you don't know what that is. 465 00:39:35,940 --> 00:39:40,410 I'll say it one last time, Felicity. I don't love you. I loathe youI 466 00:39:40,580 --> 00:39:44,250 I despise youI Now stay awayI 467 00:39:51,820 --> 00:39:54,490 And you want to know the truth? 468 00:39:54,660 --> 00:39:56,650 I was willing her on. 469 00:39:56,860 --> 00:39:58,730 Oh, no. No, no. No, no! 470 00:39:58,900 --> 00:40:02,810 Give me those. Open your mouth. Open your mouth! 471 00:40:02,980 --> 00:40:06,610 Open your mouth! Do not swallow, for goodness' sake! 472 00:40:09,980 --> 00:40:12,410 I think she passed out for a while. 473 00:40:12,620 --> 00:40:15,180 By now, he realised what he was dealing with. 474 00:40:15,340 --> 00:40:18,060 He'd make her safe, then get the hell out. 475 00:40:27,740 --> 00:40:30,090 So he took her into the bathroom. 476 00:40:30,860 --> 00:40:35,530 And so she couldn't do any damage, he took the stockings off the radiator 477 00:40:35,700 --> 00:40:37,690 and the ones she was wearing. 478 00:40:39,020 --> 00:40:43,890 He wasn't going to leave her any rope to hang herself with... literally. 479 00:40:47,300 --> 00:40:49,370 And then left. 480 00:41:26,540 --> 00:41:29,260 Can you kill someone out of spite? 481 00:41:32,940 --> 00:41:34,730 Maybe... 482 00:41:35,620 --> 00:41:38,730 because it's so ridiculously easy. 483 00:41:41,260 --> 00:41:45,010 His fingerprints were everywhere. I made sure they found his pipe. 484 00:41:46,020 --> 00:41:50,890 All I had to do was wait for them to prove he was still alive. 485 00:41:51,060 --> 00:41:53,450 Who was going to believe his story? 486 00:41:54,020 --> 00:41:57,090 You took the tape with Neville's message. 487 00:41:57,900 --> 00:42:01,290 You didn't want the police thinking he was involved. 488 00:42:01,500 --> 00:42:04,220 You wanted all the evidence to point to Duncan. 489 00:42:04,420 --> 00:42:09,330 So, why did Duncan want to get that tape back, for God's sake? 490 00:42:09,500 --> 00:42:12,010 To corroborate his account of what really happened, 491 00:42:12,180 --> 00:42:14,900 that your message drove her to try and kill herself. 492 00:42:16,700 --> 00:42:19,530 Even then, it was all going to sound pretty flimsy. 493 00:42:19,700 --> 00:42:24,370 Yes, the wonderful bonus of Kitty, seeing him with his hands around her throat. 494 00:42:24,580 --> 00:42:27,380 You must've thought it was meant to be. 495 00:42:27,540 --> 00:42:30,010 Only problem was it brought us onto the scene. 496 00:42:34,100 --> 00:42:38,490 How do you know they weren't just larking about? 497 00:42:38,660 --> 00:42:41,650 Larking about?! 498 00:42:41,820 --> 00:42:45,860 Quiet as a grave. Probably miles away by now, but you never know. 499 00:42:46,020 --> 00:42:49,010 Cover the front entrance, while I try the back. 500 00:43:04,220 --> 00:43:07,850 I thought once you'd found it all locked up, you'd go away. 501 00:43:08,020 --> 00:43:10,010 Then when I heard the window... 502 00:43:23,940 --> 00:43:27,650 There's one thing about this whole business I still don't understand. 503 00:43:27,860 --> 00:43:31,370 - Hmm? - Why you swallowed all that crap 504 00:43:31,540 --> 00:43:33,610 about skin cells in Jonathan's shoulders. 505 00:43:35,860 --> 00:43:38,090 Still, I suppose it broke the ice. 506 00:43:42,260 --> 00:43:47,380 So, what made you think that I could...? 507 00:43:47,540 --> 00:43:52,290 One, I finally remember that routine of taking a prisoner's bootlaces off him 508 00:43:52,460 --> 00:43:54,530 so he can't hang himself, 509 00:43:54,700 --> 00:43:57,970 which put a completely different spin on the whole thing - 510 00:43:58,140 --> 00:44:02,020 what Duncan was really doing with his hands around her throat. 511 00:44:02,860 --> 00:44:05,820 And, of course, the other thing was the burglary. 512 00:44:06,020 --> 00:44:08,290 When they took the tapes? Why? 513 00:44:08,460 --> 00:44:11,130 No, Clare. Not your burglary, my burglary. 514 00:44:12,580 --> 00:44:15,610 You remember when you were showing me around the cottage? 515 00:44:15,780 --> 00:44:18,740 Ironically, I thought it would be safer from crime. 516 00:44:18,900 --> 00:44:21,930 Well, you've just been on the receiving end. 517 00:44:22,100 --> 00:44:24,770 You know how bad it gets in London. 518 00:44:24,940 --> 00:44:28,730 It never struck me till we went over it again this afternoon. 519 00:44:28,900 --> 00:44:31,250 How did you know about my being burgled? 520 00:44:32,220 --> 00:44:34,450 I certainly hadn't mentioned it. 521 00:44:36,500 --> 00:44:39,010 But then I remembered. I had. 522 00:44:40,140 --> 00:44:43,170 There was only one way you could have heard me. 523 00:44:43,380 --> 00:44:46,450 How do you think that burglar got into my place? 524 00:44:46,660 --> 00:44:50,250 He didn't just give up, did he? The bastard. 525 00:46:08,100 --> 00:46:09,610 - Oh! - Oh! 526 00:46:10,860 --> 00:46:13,420 It's me. Kitty. 527 00:46:16,660 --> 00:46:19,730 And God forbid you breathe a word to a living soul. 528 00:46:19,900 --> 00:46:22,370 I was told in complete confidence. 529 00:46:22,540 --> 00:46:26,580 Ladies and gentlemen, the living legend that is Hewie Harper. 530 00:46:32,380 --> 00:46:35,650 One, two... One, two, three, f... 531 00:46:38,700 --> 00:46:43,330 And keep your peepers off my naked body in future, you pervert! 532 00:46:43,500 --> 00:46:46,140 All right, come down off there, please, madam. 533 00:46:46,300 --> 00:46:48,770 Get off! Go away! Go on!