1 00:00:02,800 --> 00:00:03,858 Mmm. 2 00:00:04,902 --> 00:00:06,665 3 00:00:08,372 --> 00:00:10,533 Necesito un bueno worker. 4 00:00:10,608 --> 00:00:12,337 Tu es fuerte. Come on. 5 00:00:13,310 --> 00:00:15,369 6 00:00:16,914 --> 00:00:18,506 7 00:00:21,151 --> 00:00:22,277 We don't go with that man. 8 00:00:22,353 --> 00:00:24,947 I've seen several men go with that man and none come back. 9 00:00:26,423 --> 00:00:27,481 We've lost friends... 10 00:00:28,859 --> 00:00:30,520 We don't know what he does with them. 11 00:00:32,563 --> 00:00:34,053 I don't wanna talk about it anymore. 12 00:00:35,266 --> 00:00:36,494 I pick up day laborers 13 00:00:36,567 --> 00:00:38,467 and tell them that they'll get paid at 6:00 p.m. 14 00:00:38,903 --> 00:00:41,633 At 5:45, a certain I.N.S. Agent, 15 00:00:41,705 --> 00:00:43,502 by the name of Mose Schrute, 16 00:00:43,574 --> 00:00:45,132 throws them in the back of a van, 17 00:00:45,209 --> 00:00:46,733 drops them off in the middle of Harrisburg 18 00:00:46,810 --> 00:00:48,903 and tells them it's Canada. 19 00:00:49,346 --> 00:00:51,177 20 00:00:51,248 --> 00:00:52,806 Tu es un bueno worker? 21 00:00:52,883 --> 00:00:54,544 Si. Yo muy bueno worker. 22 00:00:54,685 --> 00:00:57,153 Yel acento... Donde are you from? 23 00:00:57,254 --> 00:00:58,551 Scranton. 24 00:00:58,689 --> 00:01:01,453 Y... before that, la Philadelphia. 25 00:01:01,625 --> 00:01:02,990 You speak English? Yes. 26 00:01:03,060 --> 00:01:04,652 I'm really good at English. Okay, good, me too. 27 00:01:04,728 --> 00:01:06,286 Get in the car. Okay. 28 00:01:08,465 --> 00:01:10,296 Who is this guy by our cars? 29 00:01:10,401 --> 00:01:12,631 That is my new maintenance worker, Nate, 30 00:01:12,703 --> 00:01:14,466 and you'll be happy to know that he's taking care of 31 00:01:14,538 --> 00:01:16,733 that hornet's nest that you've been griping about. 32 00:01:17,241 --> 00:01:18,674 Yeah. I got stung up my dress. 33 00:01:18,742 --> 00:01:19,936 Poor hornet. 34 00:01:20,010 --> 00:01:21,841 I've left him all the tools he needs. 35 00:01:21,912 --> 00:01:23,277 This is do or die. 36 00:01:23,347 --> 00:01:25,076 If he chooses correctly, he'll conquer the hornets. 37 00:01:25,149 --> 00:01:26,810 And if he doesn't? 38 00:01:28,085 --> 00:01:29,074 He'll die. 39 00:01:29,286 --> 00:01:30,719 What? Beg your pardon? 40 00:01:30,788 --> 00:01:32,847 DWIGHT: When did the phrase "do or die" become so corrupted? 41 00:01:33,023 --> 00:01:34,820 KELLY: Is that a blowtorch? No. 42 00:01:34,892 --> 00:01:37,725 No, no, no! No, no! 43 00:01:37,795 --> 00:01:39,422 DWIGHT: Interesting choice. 44 00:01:39,496 --> 00:01:40,758 PAM: Yes. 45 00:01:40,965 --> 00:01:41,954 ANDY: Very, very smart. 46 00:01:42,032 --> 00:01:43,021 PAM: Walking away. 47 00:01:43,667 --> 00:01:44,656 No! No, no, no! 48 00:01:44,735 --> 00:01:45,724 The bat. 49 00:01:45,936 --> 00:01:46,960 PAM: What is he doing? 50 00:01:47,037 --> 00:01:48,698 ANDY: Oh! They're stinging him! 51 00:01:48,772 --> 00:01:49,966 ALL: No, no, no! 52 00:01:50,074 --> 00:01:51,268 No, no! 53 00:02:12,396 --> 00:02:13,158 54 00:02:15,065 --> 00:02:17,829 Good morning, Erin. Any mustaches, I mean messages? 55 00:02:18,469 --> 00:02:20,027 Terrific. 56 00:02:20,437 --> 00:02:22,064 MICHAEL: There are many reasons 57 00:02:22,139 --> 00:02:24,198 a man would wear a fake mustache to work. 58 00:02:24,942 --> 00:02:26,375 He is a fan 59 00:02:26,443 --> 00:02:27,910 of the outrageous. 60 00:02:27,978 --> 00:02:29,070 He loves to 61 00:02:29,146 --> 00:02:30,408 surprise! 62 00:02:31,148 --> 00:02:34,276 He loves other things as well. 63 00:02:35,386 --> 00:02:36,375 Wow. 64 00:02:40,824 --> 00:02:41,813 Okay. 65 00:02:43,460 --> 00:02:45,360 It's a pimple, Phyllis. 66 00:02:45,429 --> 00:02:46,828 Avril Lavigne gets them all the time, 67 00:02:46,897 --> 00:02:48,524 and she rocks harder than anyone alive. 68 00:02:48,966 --> 00:02:50,661 That's no pimple, Michael. 69 00:02:51,068 --> 00:02:52,228 You mean cancer? 70 00:02:52,403 --> 00:02:54,701 What? No way. No. Definitely not. Not cancer. 71 00:02:54,872 --> 00:02:56,965 It's just good to catch a Michael train of thought early 72 00:02:57,074 --> 00:02:59,372 before it derails and destroys the entire town. 73 00:03:00,310 --> 00:03:01,299 MEREDITH: Wait, wait, wait. 74 00:03:01,378 --> 00:03:02,504 It's just a cold sore. 75 00:03:02,579 --> 00:03:03,603 It is? 76 00:03:03,681 --> 00:03:05,478 Yup, just a cold sore. Just a cold sore. 77 00:03:05,549 --> 00:03:07,710 Thank you. Phyllis, I don't have acne. 78 00:03:07,785 --> 00:03:09,753 I have a cold sore. I didn't even have a cold. 79 00:03:10,087 --> 00:03:11,111 I don't know how I got it. 80 00:03:11,188 --> 00:03:12,382 I know how you got it. 81 00:03:12,456 --> 00:03:13,514 How? 82 00:03:13,590 --> 00:03:14,784 Michael, come on. 83 00:03:15,025 --> 00:03:16,890 A cold sore is herpes. 84 00:03:17,428 --> 00:03:19,293 What? What you should do, Michael, 85 00:03:19,363 --> 00:03:20,625 is have a doctor take a look at it, 86 00:03:20,698 --> 00:03:21,995 'cause we don't really know what that is. 87 00:03:22,199 --> 00:03:24,895 I know tons and tons of people who have herpes. 88 00:03:25,069 --> 00:03:26,366 I have it myself. 89 00:03:26,437 --> 00:03:27,426 That's what it is. 90 00:03:27,504 --> 00:03:28,937 I've never seen herpes on you. 91 00:03:29,006 --> 00:03:30,633 'Cause it's on my genitals, genius. 92 00:03:31,008 --> 00:03:32,168 You have a penis? 93 00:03:32,409 --> 00:03:34,707 Michael, have you ever been tested for STDs? 94 00:03:34,845 --> 00:03:36,870 Yeah, my last physical when I was 40. 95 00:03:37,448 --> 00:03:38,540 That was, like, 10 years ago. 96 00:03:38,615 --> 00:03:39,843 No, it was, like, four years ago. 97 00:03:39,950 --> 00:03:41,577 Michael, you're at least 46. 98 00:03:41,652 --> 00:03:42,641 Why "at least"? 99 00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:45,120 If you're guessing 46, just say 46. 100 00:03:52,996 --> 00:03:55,362 Can we please talk about how gross Meredith is? 101 00:03:56,066 --> 00:03:57,226 This is what you get 102 00:03:57,301 --> 00:03:59,269 when you treat your body like an outhouse. 103 00:04:00,437 --> 00:04:01,461 ANDY: You know what, guys? 104 00:04:01,538 --> 00:04:03,836 How about we just chill out a little bit on the herp chat? 105 00:04:04,241 --> 00:04:05,970 Okay? I was an R.A. In college, 106 00:04:06,043 --> 00:04:07,135 and I can tell you, 107 00:04:07,211 --> 00:04:08,906 the number one sexually transmitted disease 108 00:04:10,714 --> 00:04:12,181 is ignorance. 109 00:04:12,382 --> 00:04:15,180 I guess maybe she could marry a meth dealer with crabs... 110 00:04:15,252 --> 00:04:16,879 I don't even want to know about these things. 111 00:04:16,954 --> 00:04:18,114 Hey, guys. 112 00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:24,349 113 00:04:25,362 --> 00:04:27,057 How did this happen? How did I get this? 114 00:04:27,131 --> 00:04:29,326 Sometimes it can lie dormant in a woman for years. 115 00:04:29,399 --> 00:04:30,730 They may not even know that they have it. 116 00:04:30,801 --> 00:04:32,200 You know what? I feel like 117 00:04:32,269 --> 00:04:33,497 one of those old-timey sailors with VD. 118 00:04:34,638 --> 00:04:36,538 Eh, it's me own darn fault. 119 00:04:36,607 --> 00:04:38,336 Girl in every port! What port? 120 00:04:38,909 --> 00:04:40,376 The Jan port? 121 00:04:41,011 --> 00:04:42,672 The Holly port? Don't even... 122 00:04:42,980 --> 00:04:44,538 Holly was clean, okay? 123 00:04:44,615 --> 00:04:46,480 If anything, I gave it to her. 124 00:04:46,550 --> 00:04:48,040 You may have. Oh, my God. 125 00:04:48,118 --> 00:04:49,142 What if I did? 126 00:04:49,219 --> 00:04:51,244 You need to contact Holly. 127 00:04:51,321 --> 00:04:54,313 You need to notify her that she is crawling with herpes. 128 00:04:54,458 --> 00:04:55,925 Okay. You know what? 129 00:04:55,993 --> 00:04:57,017 Might. 130 00:04:57,094 --> 00:04:59,654 Might be crawling with herpes. 131 00:05:01,031 --> 00:05:02,589 I might have gotten it after her. 132 00:05:02,666 --> 00:05:04,725 You need to contact every woman you've been with 133 00:05:04,802 --> 00:05:06,827 and notify them of your herpes infestation. 134 00:05:07,204 --> 00:05:08,364 It's the right thing to do. 135 00:05:08,772 --> 00:05:10,262 There's no way I'm gonna do that. 136 00:05:10,507 --> 00:05:11,531 Then I will. 137 00:05:11,608 --> 00:05:12,700 All right, I... 138 00:05:14,578 --> 00:05:16,375 Now, I'm no doctor, but it seems to me 139 00:05:16,446 --> 00:05:18,471 that we all have an obligation to the public health 140 00:05:18,549 --> 00:05:20,915 to track down anyone who gives us a disease, 141 00:05:20,984 --> 00:05:22,281 inform them of it, 142 00:05:22,352 --> 00:05:24,547 and take overwhelming revenge on that person. 143 00:05:25,022 --> 00:05:26,819 Again, I'm no doctor. 144 00:05:26,924 --> 00:05:29,017 I'm just a normal guy who enjoys revenge. 145 00:05:29,526 --> 00:05:30,823 146 00:05:31,528 --> 00:05:32,688 DONNA: Hello. 147 00:05:33,397 --> 00:05:34,728 Hi, Donna. It's Michael. 148 00:05:35,065 --> 00:05:36,965 Michael. I didn't think I'd hear from you. 149 00:05:37,267 --> 00:05:38,291 How've you been? 150 00:05:38,368 --> 00:05:39,801 I have a disease 151 00:05:40,470 --> 00:05:42,097 for which there is no known cure 152 00:05:42,172 --> 00:05:44,697 that has been sexually transmitted to me. 153 00:05:45,242 --> 00:05:46,436 Oh, no! 154 00:05:46,877 --> 00:05:48,208 I can't even say it. 155 00:05:48,278 --> 00:05:50,405 H-I 156 00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:51,469 Oh, my God! 157 00:05:51,548 --> 00:05:56,850 R-P-E-E-S. 158 00:05:56,920 --> 00:06:00,754 Wait. You're calling to tell me that you have herpes? 159 00:06:00,824 --> 00:06:04,851 No. I am calling to see if you gave me herpes, 160 00:06:04,962 --> 00:06:06,623 because if you did, 161 00:06:06,697 --> 00:06:08,892 I would be able to avoid a lot of sucky conversations. 162 00:06:10,033 --> 00:06:11,898 So you have it, right? No. 163 00:06:12,269 --> 00:06:13,566 Does your stupid husband have it? 164 00:06:13,637 --> 00:06:15,002 No, he doesn't. 165 00:06:15,072 --> 00:06:16,733 Are you telling me I have to get tested? 166 00:06:17,007 --> 00:06:18,975 Yes, I'm telling you you have to get tested for herpes. 167 00:06:19,042 --> 00:06:20,509 Good-bye! So long, Donna. 168 00:06:20,878 --> 00:06:23,608 Excuse me, everyone, can I have your attention, please? 169 00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:24,704 Not again. 170 00:06:24,781 --> 00:06:25,770 What do you mean "again"? 171 00:06:25,849 --> 00:06:27,749 You're always asking for our attention. 172 00:06:27,918 --> 00:06:29,215 Well, maybe like a year ago. 173 00:06:29,286 --> 00:06:30,480 Mmm. Seems recent. 174 00:06:30,554 --> 00:06:31,851 No, that's... 175 00:06:31,922 --> 00:06:34,015 Andy, the reason it seems more recent 176 00:06:34,091 --> 00:06:36,059 is because many of us here have never stood up 177 00:06:36,126 --> 00:06:37,593 and asked for everyone's attention, 178 00:06:37,794 --> 00:06:39,887 and it seems like you've done it on several occasions. 179 00:06:39,963 --> 00:06:41,760 Everyone, I've noticed that 180 00:06:41,832 --> 00:06:44,630 we've not been entirely kind to one of our own, 181 00:06:45,135 --> 00:06:47,160 due to stigmas and prejudices. 182 00:06:47,237 --> 00:06:48,829 Oh! When you got your new phone, 183 00:06:48,906 --> 00:06:50,396 that's when you asked for everyone's attention. 184 00:06:50,474 --> 00:06:51,532 STANLEY: World Cup. That's what I was thinking. 185 00:06:51,608 --> 00:06:52,597 OSCAR: That's right. 186 00:06:52,676 --> 00:06:54,507 You kept announcing scores. 187 00:06:54,711 --> 00:06:56,804 It's the world's only international sport, so... 188 00:06:59,182 --> 00:07:00,615 This is Holly. 189 00:07:02,085 --> 00:07:03,746 No, this is Holly. 190 00:07:05,188 --> 00:07:07,088 No, this is Holly. 191 00:07:07,658 --> 00:07:09,319 No, this is Holly. 192 00:07:09,526 --> 00:07:11,460 No... This is Michael Scott. 193 00:07:13,196 --> 00:07:14,390 Busted. 194 00:07:16,433 --> 00:07:17,764 So, what can I do for you, Holly? 195 00:07:17,834 --> 00:07:19,699 I'm calling because 196 00:07:19,937 --> 00:07:21,199 there was a terrible car accident. 197 00:07:21,805 --> 00:07:23,739 Oh, really? Was anyone killed? 198 00:07:24,341 --> 00:07:25,933 A lot of people. 199 00:07:26,009 --> 00:07:27,306 Any nuns? 200 00:07:27,377 --> 00:07:28,605 Three nuns. 201 00:07:29,146 --> 00:07:31,444 Missionaries from South Africa. 202 00:07:31,815 --> 00:07:34,079 Were they in the missionary position? 203 00:07:34,484 --> 00:07:35,508 204 00:07:35,585 --> 00:07:37,883 Hot pizza, check it and see 205 00:07:39,056 --> 00:07:41,422 I got a whole Bunch of pepperoni 206 00:07:41,491 --> 00:07:43,618 Yeah. Now you're looking at me. 207 00:07:43,961 --> 00:07:45,553 Anyone who's interested in entering into 208 00:07:45,629 --> 00:07:48,291 an honest discussion about the sexual mores and taboos 209 00:07:48,365 --> 00:07:51,892 of modern society will be rewarded with a pizza break. 210 00:07:52,502 --> 00:07:54,333 Do you ever wonder what life would have been like 211 00:07:54,404 --> 00:07:55,496 if you hadn't been transferred? 212 00:07:56,573 --> 00:07:57,801 HOLLY: Yeah. 213 00:07:57,874 --> 00:07:59,034 We would have twins. 214 00:07:59,509 --> 00:08:00,999 I don't think we'd have kids. 215 00:08:01,078 --> 00:08:02,477 Mmm-hmm. We dated for a few weeks. 216 00:08:02,713 --> 00:08:04,681 Mmm-mmm. We would be married. 217 00:08:04,948 --> 00:08:07,815 Michael, I've been dating A.J. For a year and a half now. 218 00:08:08,151 --> 00:08:09,618 You do this, you know? 219 00:08:09,686 --> 00:08:10,710 Do what? 220 00:08:11,121 --> 00:08:13,021 You romanticize things. 221 00:08:13,490 --> 00:08:15,788 I don't romantici... 222 00:08:15,859 --> 00:08:16,848 No. 223 00:08:16,927 --> 00:08:17,951 Michael, you cried 224 00:08:18,028 --> 00:08:20,087 at that tag line for a movie you made up. 225 00:08:20,731 --> 00:08:21,993 "He had no arms or legs. 226 00:08:22,065 --> 00:08:23,657 "He couldn't see, hear or speak. 227 00:08:25,268 --> 00:08:26,735 "This is how he led a nation." 228 00:08:27,137 --> 00:08:28,934 You made us out to be more than we were. 229 00:08:29,573 --> 00:08:31,200 Maybe we were more than we were. 230 00:08:31,641 --> 00:08:33,632 I don't know what you're getting so upset about. 231 00:08:33,710 --> 00:08:35,735 We had a fun fling a long time ago. 232 00:08:36,079 --> 00:08:37,876 It's a good memory. Okay, all right. 233 00:08:37,948 --> 00:08:39,848 I gotta go. Michael... 234 00:08:44,121 --> 00:08:45,520 He forgot to mention the herpes. 235 00:08:45,989 --> 00:08:47,820 It didn't come up organically. 236 00:08:49,092 --> 00:08:51,322 ...to accommodate the suppliers. 237 00:08:51,528 --> 00:08:53,792 Gentlemen, nice to see you. It'll be just a moment. 238 00:08:53,930 --> 00:08:55,659 If you could show them into conference room B. 239 00:08:55,732 --> 00:08:56,721 The pharmaceutical company 240 00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:58,324 should be able to accommodate us. 241 00:08:58,435 --> 00:09:00,630 How do I do it? Raise my daughter, 242 00:09:00,704 --> 00:09:02,569 work as director of office purchasing for this hospital 243 00:09:02,639 --> 00:09:04,539 and release an album of Doris Day covers 244 00:09:04,608 --> 00:09:06,200 on my own label? 245 00:09:07,544 --> 00:09:08,909 If I knew, I'd tell you. 246 00:09:08,979 --> 00:09:10,037 It's nice to see you doing so well. 247 00:09:10,313 --> 00:09:11,337 Yeah, I'm really happy. 248 00:09:11,448 --> 00:09:14,383 Me and Astrid against the world. We're loving it. 249 00:09:14,618 --> 00:09:16,586 Yeah, so, kind of the supermom. 250 00:09:16,653 --> 00:09:18,143 Bringing home the bacon. Yeah. 251 00:09:18,221 --> 00:09:19,688 Fry it up in a pan 252 00:09:19,756 --> 00:09:21,121 Never, never, never let you 253 00:09:21,191 --> 00:09:22,215 Forget you're a man 254 00:09:22,292 --> 00:09:23,316 255 00:09:23,393 --> 00:09:24,883 Love that commercial. 256 00:09:24,961 --> 00:09:26,861 I don't understand the reference. 257 00:09:27,864 --> 00:09:29,058 Well, 258 00:09:29,266 --> 00:09:30,756 Michael, it was nice to get your call. 259 00:09:30,834 --> 00:09:32,893 We had to come over right away. It's urgent. Okay. 260 00:09:32,969 --> 00:09:34,300 Michael has something to tell you. Shh. 261 00:09:34,371 --> 00:09:35,838 Are you gonna keep me in suspense? 262 00:09:37,441 --> 00:09:38,772 263 00:09:43,914 --> 00:09:44,938 Would you excuse us? 264 00:09:45,015 --> 00:09:46,004 Okay, I'm gonna 265 00:09:46,983 --> 00:09:47,972 head outta here. 266 00:09:48,051 --> 00:09:50,417 I know you have a lot to talk about, okay? 267 00:09:50,887 --> 00:09:53,014 Is there an operating theater 268 00:09:53,090 --> 00:09:54,387 that's open to visitors? 269 00:09:54,458 --> 00:09:55,823 Never mind. I'll find it. 270 00:09:57,661 --> 00:09:59,424 He hasn't changed. No. 271 00:10:00,097 --> 00:10:02,065 So, what couldn't wait? 272 00:10:03,533 --> 00:10:05,228 Am I the kind of person 273 00:10:05,302 --> 00:10:07,236 to misremember our relationship 274 00:10:07,304 --> 00:10:09,101 as something more than it was? 275 00:10:09,172 --> 00:10:10,161 Michael Scott, 276 00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:12,470 you are here for a post-mortem. 277 00:10:12,809 --> 00:10:13,798 What? 278 00:10:14,177 --> 00:10:16,111 You wanna dig into our relationship, 279 00:10:16,680 --> 00:10:18,978 go over it, see what killed it. 280 00:10:20,450 --> 00:10:21,542 Okay. 281 00:10:22,819 --> 00:10:24,013 I'm in. 282 00:10:24,721 --> 00:10:26,279 So, guys, I've been really bothered 283 00:10:26,356 --> 00:10:29,382 by the way certain people are getting treated around here. 284 00:10:29,459 --> 00:10:32,428 And I just think as an office, we're better than that. 285 00:10:32,662 --> 00:10:35,096 Okay, now, I'm gonna show you a picture 286 00:10:35,932 --> 00:10:36,990 of genitalia. 287 00:10:37,067 --> 00:10:38,091 288 00:10:38,168 --> 00:10:39,157 ANGELA: Andy. 289 00:10:39,970 --> 00:10:41,767 What, 'cause he's black? Nope. 290 00:10:41,838 --> 00:10:43,100 It's 'cause it's genitalia. 291 00:10:43,173 --> 00:10:45,835 Perfectly normal genitalia, Tuna. 292 00:10:46,376 --> 00:10:49,573 Now I'm gonna show you another picture 293 00:10:49,646 --> 00:10:51,841 of perfectly normal genitalia. 294 00:10:51,915 --> 00:10:53,280 Oh, my God! 295 00:10:53,683 --> 00:10:55,810 Am I blocking anybody? Can everybody see? 296 00:10:55,886 --> 00:10:57,513 ANDY: Perfectly normal. Big deal. 297 00:10:57,721 --> 00:10:59,689 Yeah, sure, it's got some herpes on it. 298 00:11:00,724 --> 00:11:03,557 But you know what? It's just as normal as anyone else's. 299 00:11:04,661 --> 00:11:07,357 No. In the beginning, we were not good. 300 00:11:07,631 --> 00:11:09,496 Well, there was a bit of a learning curve 301 00:11:09,633 --> 00:11:11,362 in the conversation department, 302 00:11:11,434 --> 00:11:13,095 but between the sheets, 303 00:11:13,170 --> 00:11:14,637 we were like Jordan and Pippen. 304 00:11:14,905 --> 00:11:15,997 Well, if there was anything exciting about it, 305 00:11:16,072 --> 00:11:17,937 it was because we both knew it was wrong. 306 00:11:18,275 --> 00:11:19,333 Because we worked together. 307 00:11:19,409 --> 00:11:20,433 No. 308 00:11:20,510 --> 00:11:22,375 Okay, imagine there's a princess 309 00:11:22,779 --> 00:11:24,269 who falls for a guy beneath her station, 310 00:11:24,347 --> 00:11:25,814 and the queen doesn't like this at all. 311 00:11:25,916 --> 00:11:27,645 And the princess knows that the queen doesn't like it, 312 00:11:27,717 --> 00:11:29,150 and so it makes her want to do it all the more 313 00:11:29,219 --> 00:11:30,208 just to get at the queen. 314 00:11:31,454 --> 00:11:33,149 Am I the princess? No, I'm the princess. 315 00:11:33,223 --> 00:11:34,713 And the queen. 316 00:11:34,824 --> 00:11:36,621 Okay. So I'm the guy at the station. 317 00:11:38,562 --> 00:11:39,551 ASTRID: Mommy! 318 00:11:39,829 --> 00:11:41,558 Assie! Oh! 319 00:11:41,631 --> 00:11:44,657 How was school? 320 00:11:44,734 --> 00:11:45,723 It was cool 321 00:11:45,802 --> 00:11:48,327 What did you learn? 322 00:11:48,405 --> 00:11:49,702 What did I learn? 323 00:11:49,773 --> 00:11:52,264 You might have learned 324 00:11:52,342 --> 00:11:54,902 Shapes, or blocks 325 00:11:54,978 --> 00:11:57,344 Or clocks, or colors 326 00:11:57,414 --> 00:11:59,245 Or you might have learned 327 00:11:59,316 --> 00:12:02,444 That we're all sisters and brothers... 328 00:12:02,519 --> 00:12:03,816 I have herpes. 329 00:12:03,887 --> 00:12:05,149 What? You... 330 00:12:06,022 --> 00:12:07,853 I used to think that she was "the one." 331 00:12:08,658 --> 00:12:10,751 Or at least a "the one." 332 00:12:12,095 --> 00:12:13,790 And if I called that one so wrong... 333 00:12:15,565 --> 00:12:16,589 334 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:20,128 Herpes, like all STDs, is a consequence of sex. 335 00:12:20,203 --> 00:12:22,137 Can anyone else name any other consequences? 336 00:12:22,839 --> 00:12:24,704 It feels unbelievable. 337 00:12:25,408 --> 00:12:27,171 Okay, I guess we can make a pros column. 338 00:12:28,378 --> 00:12:29,367 "Feels..." 339 00:12:29,446 --> 00:12:30,811 KEVIN: "Unbelievable." 340 00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:31,938 Okay. 341 00:12:32,015 --> 00:12:34,506 The ability to express love physically. 342 00:12:35,352 --> 00:12:37,149 It's a magical thing. 343 00:12:37,687 --> 00:12:39,052 ANDY: "Express love." "Magical." 344 00:12:40,557 --> 00:12:41,956 It feels amazing. 345 00:12:42,225 --> 00:12:44,819 Um... Okay, is that different from "feels unbelievable"? 346 00:12:45,161 --> 00:12:46,628 Yes. 347 00:12:46,696 --> 00:12:48,095 Then I will write it down. 348 00:12:48,765 --> 00:12:50,892 The feeling of pure risk. 349 00:12:51,001 --> 00:12:53,128 Creed, I had that in the cons column, 350 00:12:54,037 --> 00:12:55,334 but... It's thrilling. 351 00:12:55,672 --> 00:12:58,732 Okay. Then... 352 00:12:59,643 --> 00:13:00,871 We'll move that. 353 00:13:00,944 --> 00:13:02,605 "Thrill of risk." 354 00:13:02,679 --> 00:13:04,579 Andy, aren't there also negatives to sex? 355 00:13:04,981 --> 00:13:06,505 Yes! Thank you. 356 00:13:06,916 --> 00:13:07,940 Such as... 357 00:13:08,018 --> 00:13:09,007 Unplanned pregnancy. 358 00:13:09,119 --> 00:13:10,780 Yes. Unplanned pregnancy. 359 00:13:10,887 --> 00:13:11,945 Like Jim and Pam, what? 360 00:13:12,022 --> 00:13:13,011 Hey. 361 00:13:13,123 --> 00:13:15,284 Just admit that your baby was a mistake. 362 00:13:15,358 --> 00:13:17,826 Whoa! Hey, our baby was not a mistake. 363 00:13:19,195 --> 00:13:20,856 She was a surprise. Good. 364 00:13:21,031 --> 00:13:23,158 I'm sure they don't regret having that child. 365 00:13:23,233 --> 00:13:24,222 Let's move it to the pros. 366 00:13:24,301 --> 00:13:25,290 BOTH: Thank you. 367 00:13:25,368 --> 00:13:28,997 Okay. "Unplanned pregnancy," going in the pros column. 368 00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:32,003 Next up is Helene. 369 00:13:32,842 --> 00:13:34,833 You're gonna want to make a left on Willow, 370 00:13:34,978 --> 00:13:36,809 which is a little ways away. 371 00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:37,869 I'll remind you. 372 00:13:37,947 --> 00:13:39,881 You know, I don't know if I trust Jan's judgment. 373 00:13:39,983 --> 00:13:41,883 She... Jan knows paper. 374 00:13:41,951 --> 00:13:43,816 No, not paper. Relationships. 375 00:13:43,887 --> 00:13:45,878 To have the ability to point out 376 00:13:45,955 --> 00:13:48,617 if a man is making a bigger deal out of something 377 00:13:48,692 --> 00:13:50,421 than is really there. Wait, what Holly said? 378 00:13:50,527 --> 00:13:52,392 Yes! I don't... Forget it, Michael. 379 00:13:52,729 --> 00:13:53,787 Today is about herpes. 380 00:13:53,863 --> 00:13:54,852 I know. 381 00:13:54,998 --> 00:13:57,091 Okay? Who gave it to you, who has it... 382 00:13:57,167 --> 00:13:58,361 Right. And who is going to pay. 383 00:13:58,435 --> 00:13:59,424 Okay. 384 00:13:59,502 --> 00:14:00,491 To answer your question about Jan... 385 00:14:00,570 --> 00:14:02,003 No, Jan is insane. 386 00:14:02,072 --> 00:14:03,198 Why do you think I... 387 00:14:03,306 --> 00:14:04,432 Left! Willow, now! 388 00:14:04,507 --> 00:14:05,565 All right! God! 389 00:14:07,410 --> 00:14:08,877 Hi, stranger. 390 00:14:09,612 --> 00:14:10,670 Long time. 391 00:14:10,747 --> 00:14:11,736 Who are you? 392 00:14:12,115 --> 00:14:14,174 I'm Michael. We dated for a while. 393 00:14:14,384 --> 00:14:15,612 I don't think so. 394 00:14:16,052 --> 00:14:17,280 Michael? 395 00:14:19,289 --> 00:14:20,722 Oh, hey! 396 00:14:21,391 --> 00:14:24,554 Dwight, would you take my grandmother for a walk 397 00:14:24,627 --> 00:14:25,958 while I talk to the real Helene? 398 00:14:26,029 --> 00:14:27,053 Come on, old lady, let's go. 399 00:14:27,130 --> 00:14:28,119 What is happening? 400 00:14:28,198 --> 00:14:29,722 Come on. 401 00:14:29,899 --> 00:14:33,096 Who can tell me the safest form of safe sex? 402 00:14:33,236 --> 00:14:34,931 Condoms. Incorrect. 403 00:14:35,105 --> 00:14:37,198 The only true form of safe sex... 404 00:14:38,241 --> 00:14:39,936 Okay? Abstinence. 405 00:14:40,076 --> 00:14:42,203 Oh! I didn't realize we were doing 406 00:14:42,512 --> 00:14:43,877 trick questions. 407 00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:45,877 What's the safest way to go skiing? 408 00:14:46,349 --> 00:14:47,680 Don't ski. 409 00:14:47,751 --> 00:14:48,945 DARRYL: Huh? 410 00:14:49,619 --> 00:14:50,677 I just thought I'd bring it up 411 00:14:50,754 --> 00:14:52,722 in case someone here was practicing abstinence. 412 00:14:53,556 --> 00:14:54,648 That's all. Anybody? 413 00:14:54,791 --> 00:14:56,884 Andy, that's way too personal of a question. 414 00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:58,689 Well, someone could answer it if they wanted to. 415 00:15:02,065 --> 00:15:03,657 Okay, in that case, 416 00:15:03,733 --> 00:15:06,998 I will now show you how to put this condom on using... 417 00:15:07,070 --> 00:15:08,469 418 00:15:09,572 --> 00:15:11,233 ...this pencil. Oh, God! 419 00:15:11,775 --> 00:15:12,799 What? 420 00:15:12,876 --> 00:15:14,366 Why would you choose a pencil, Andy? 421 00:15:14,677 --> 00:15:16,201 Well, I'm not gonna use my penis, Oscar. 422 00:15:16,279 --> 00:15:18,042 It's not exactly hard right now, anyway. 423 00:15:18,114 --> 00:15:20,241 Come on, give it a rest, pencil . 424 00:15:20,316 --> 00:15:21,943 I'm doing this for you, Meredith! 425 00:15:22,118 --> 00:15:23,881 I didn't want it! Well, didn't you? 426 00:15:23,953 --> 00:15:25,386 Why didn't... 427 00:15:25,455 --> 00:15:28,322 Does no one appreciate what I'm doing right now? 428 00:15:29,359 --> 00:15:30,621 MEREDITH: Whoa! 429 00:15:32,462 --> 00:15:34,726 It'll go away in time. Just don't touch it. 430 00:15:35,131 --> 00:15:37,292 Did I make more of what we had 431 00:15:37,367 --> 00:15:38,459 than was really there? 432 00:15:38,802 --> 00:15:39,894 What did you think we were? 433 00:15:40,136 --> 00:15:43,162 Just a quirky indie movie, 434 00:15:43,239 --> 00:15:44,706 weird sort of thing, 435 00:15:45,208 --> 00:15:48,109 breaking all the rules, but had to end 436 00:15:48,178 --> 00:15:50,669 because the summer was over for you. 437 00:15:51,314 --> 00:15:53,578 I think that for you to have come here 438 00:15:53,650 --> 00:15:55,641 even expecting 439 00:15:56,352 --> 00:15:58,149 that we could have a conversation like this 440 00:15:58,221 --> 00:16:01,156 shows how self-deluded you are. 441 00:16:01,591 --> 00:16:05,789 Michael, your memory has failed you greatly. 442 00:16:06,930 --> 00:16:08,022 Jerk. 443 00:16:21,177 --> 00:16:22,269 Michael. 444 00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:25,975 So, this is a chef's kitchen, 445 00:16:26,049 --> 00:16:28,483 which makes it perfect for real entertainers. 446 00:16:28,785 --> 00:16:30,810 Real entertainer, like Billy Joel. 447 00:16:31,254 --> 00:16:33,984 Michael. Carole. How are you? 448 00:16:34,157 --> 00:16:35,385 I'm great. How are you? 449 00:16:35,458 --> 00:16:38,154 I'm great. I saw your sign outside, 450 00:16:38,294 --> 00:16:40,023 and I decided I'm gonna pull in, 451 00:16:40,129 --> 00:16:41,926 and maybe I'm going to buy a house from her. 452 00:16:42,165 --> 00:16:43,598 You didn't call my office 453 00:16:43,666 --> 00:16:45,497 and ask them where I was? No! 454 00:16:45,568 --> 00:16:46,762 That's so... 455 00:16:46,936 --> 00:16:48,904 'Cause the receptionist told me that a man called, 456 00:16:48,972 --> 00:16:51,133 but he would only say that he was my ex-Iover. 457 00:16:51,207 --> 00:16:52,265 Weird. Yeah. 458 00:16:52,342 --> 00:16:53,366 Sounds like a nice guy. 459 00:16:54,077 --> 00:16:57,103 I don't know, I mean, people were being really mean to Meredith and... 460 00:16:57,480 --> 00:16:59,345 But this wasn't really about Meredith, was it? 461 00:17:00,383 --> 00:17:01,407 You and Erin were broken up. 462 00:17:01,584 --> 00:17:03,745 How is that relevant to anything? 463 00:17:03,820 --> 00:17:06,550 I asked you if it was okay if I asked her out. 464 00:17:06,990 --> 00:17:08,480 You said, and I quote, 465 00:17:09,025 --> 00:17:11,585 "My good sir, nothing would make me happier 466 00:17:11,661 --> 00:17:14,562 "than to hand you the hand of the hand once in my hand." 467 00:17:14,998 --> 00:17:17,728 I specifically remembered it because you said it in such a weird way. 468 00:17:18,234 --> 00:17:19,258 Well, the only reason I said that 469 00:17:19,335 --> 00:17:21,200 is 'cause you asked me so politely, 470 00:17:21,337 --> 00:17:23,635 and it was very difficult for me to say no. 471 00:17:24,707 --> 00:17:25,901 I'll let this slide, 472 00:17:27,210 --> 00:17:30,270 but I expect you to put this whole Erin thing behind you. 473 00:17:30,847 --> 00:17:32,280 Oh, wow! Another living room. 474 00:17:32,515 --> 00:17:33,504 It's a family room. 475 00:17:33,750 --> 00:17:36,913 You put the TV there. You put your family here. 476 00:17:37,887 --> 00:17:39,912 Michael, why are you here? 477 00:17:40,590 --> 00:17:41,955 Somebody told me 478 00:17:42,025 --> 00:17:44,960 that I romanticize relationships. 479 00:17:45,862 --> 00:17:47,853 You know, we all do that. 480 00:17:48,531 --> 00:17:50,021 I have herpes. 481 00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:51,692 What? 482 00:17:52,335 --> 00:17:53,893 Did you have that while we were together? 483 00:17:53,970 --> 00:17:55,062 I just found out today. 484 00:17:55,138 --> 00:17:57,436 It's right there. 485 00:17:57,840 --> 00:17:59,808 Oh! Oh! What, that's what you're talking about? 486 00:17:59,909 --> 00:18:01,570 Mmm-hmm. I'm sorry. 487 00:18:01,744 --> 00:18:03,041 Did you have a doctor check it out? 488 00:18:03,112 --> 00:18:05,012 I'm between specialists right now. 489 00:18:05,949 --> 00:18:07,974 Yes. Yes, Michael. 490 00:18:08,084 --> 00:18:11,247 Actually, you do make a bigger deal out of things 491 00:18:11,321 --> 00:18:12,720 than you need to. 492 00:18:12,822 --> 00:18:15,017 You proposed to me on our fourth date. 493 00:18:15,291 --> 00:18:16,849 Well, I believe in love at first sight. 494 00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:18,588 Well, so do I, 495 00:18:18,661 --> 00:18:20,856 but we didn't love each other at first, either. 496 00:18:21,731 --> 00:18:23,358 I don't know what you were thinking. 497 00:18:24,867 --> 00:18:26,459 I know what I was thinking at the time, 498 00:18:26,536 --> 00:18:28,527 but right now, it just seems ridiculous. 499 00:18:28,905 --> 00:18:30,236 DWIGHT: Excuse me. 500 00:18:31,541 --> 00:18:33,372 Someone died in the upstairs bathroom, didn't they? 501 00:18:33,610 --> 00:18:34,634 No. 502 00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:39,641 We should schedule meetings, 503 00:18:39,716 --> 00:18:41,650 'cause the days can slip away with chitchat. 504 00:18:43,252 --> 00:18:44,480 Are you crying? 505 00:18:45,021 --> 00:18:46,511 No, I'm just sweating. 506 00:18:46,589 --> 00:18:48,318 I don't know what's got you upset, 507 00:18:48,391 --> 00:18:51,053 but my advice is stop crying. 508 00:18:51,127 --> 00:18:52,651 I'm not crying. I'm sweating. 509 00:18:52,996 --> 00:18:54,725 Look, you need to pick yourself up. 510 00:18:55,064 --> 00:18:56,725 Man up, all right? 511 00:18:57,400 --> 00:18:59,265 Son, you will win this in the end. 512 00:19:00,003 --> 00:19:01,903 It's all about heart 513 00:19:02,505 --> 00:19:03,995 and character. 514 00:19:04,073 --> 00:19:06,371 Be your best self. 515 00:19:07,443 --> 00:19:08,467 Okay. 516 00:19:08,578 --> 00:19:09,670 Yeah. 517 00:19:09,846 --> 00:19:11,336 I have no idea what his problem is. 518 00:19:11,447 --> 00:19:13,108 It's just my standard advice. 519 00:19:13,182 --> 00:19:14,410 It's good advice, right? 520 00:19:14,851 --> 00:19:16,079 This is Holly Flax. 521 00:19:16,152 --> 00:19:17,346 I can't come to the phone right now, 522 00:19:17,420 --> 00:19:18,648 but please leave a message 523 00:19:18,721 --> 00:19:20,712 at the sound of the tiny truck backing up. 524 00:19:20,790 --> 00:19:21,779 525 00:19:22,492 --> 00:19:24,119 Hi, Holly, it's Michael. 526 00:19:25,261 --> 00:19:26,956 I just wanted to call and let you know 527 00:19:27,030 --> 00:19:28,793 that I was thinking about what you said. 528 00:19:29,532 --> 00:19:31,432 It's just, you know, 529 00:19:33,336 --> 00:19:35,270 it's weird. Today, I 530 00:19:35,805 --> 00:19:38,467 ended up seeing a lot of the women that I used to date, 531 00:19:39,475 --> 00:19:41,705 and in my mind, they were all great. 532 00:19:42,578 --> 00:19:44,546 And then when I actually saw them, 533 00:19:45,281 --> 00:19:47,374 it was mostly a freak show. 534 00:19:47,650 --> 00:19:48,708 And you and me, 535 00:19:48,785 --> 00:19:51,253 that must have been a real train wreck. 536 00:19:52,989 --> 00:19:54,479 You know what? 537 00:19:56,025 --> 00:19:57,788 Holly, you're wrong. 538 00:19:59,662 --> 00:20:00,822 You are wrong. 539 00:20:02,031 --> 00:20:04,261 I remember every second of us. 540 00:20:04,333 --> 00:20:06,392 And talking to you today, 541 00:20:06,469 --> 00:20:11,065 I don't feel for them anything like what I feel for you. 542 00:20:11,808 --> 00:20:13,002 It's... 543 00:20:13,810 --> 00:20:15,573 I didn't joke with any of them. 544 00:20:15,645 --> 00:20:17,272 I joked with you. 545 00:20:18,047 --> 00:20:19,480 You were the only one 546 00:20:19,549 --> 00:20:22,017 who was actually happy to hear from me. 547 00:20:22,452 --> 00:20:24,818 And I don't know why you downgraded what we had, 548 00:20:24,887 --> 00:20:26,980 but I did not make us up. 549 00:20:28,624 --> 00:20:29,716 Okay. 550 00:20:30,359 --> 00:20:32,919 Oh, and you might, you should talk to a doctor 551 00:20:32,995 --> 00:20:35,088 because you might have herpes. 552 00:20:35,231 --> 00:20:36,220 Bye. 553 00:20:42,438 --> 00:20:44,235 What is this about? Oscar, 554 00:20:44,507 --> 00:20:46,907 We once sucked face in public 555 00:20:47,610 --> 00:20:49,874 as part of an office presentation 556 00:20:49,946 --> 00:20:53,404 to destroy the stigma about gay kissing. 557 00:20:53,750 --> 00:20:55,547 Do you recall? Yes, and... 558 00:20:55,618 --> 00:20:57,745 You may have given me a sexually transmitted disease. 559 00:20:58,254 --> 00:20:59,243 What? 560 00:20:59,322 --> 00:21:00,311 Herpes duplex. 561 00:21:00,690 --> 00:21:03,250 It's probably just an ingrown mustache hair, but we have to be exhaustive. 562 00:21:03,626 --> 00:21:06,356 I've already contacted all of my ex-Iovers except for you. 563 00:21:07,130 --> 00:21:08,324 We were never lovers. 564 00:21:08,397 --> 00:21:10,695 I'm gonna need a list of every man you've ever had sex with. 565 00:21:10,933 --> 00:21:13,493 I'm talking train stations, men's rooms... 566 00:21:13,569 --> 00:21:16,538 Flower shops, fireworks celebrations... 567 00:21:16,773 --> 00:21:17,865 Fence with a hole in it. 568 00:21:17,940 --> 00:21:18,964 Moonlit gondola. 569 00:21:19,041 --> 00:21:20,565 Carriage ride through Central Park. 570 00:21:20,643 --> 00:21:22,133 The woods behind the liquor store. 571 00:21:22,211 --> 00:21:23,610 The swamp behind the old folks' home. 572 00:21:23,679 --> 00:21:25,237 MICHAEL: Electric car dealership. 573 00:21:25,314 --> 00:21:26,804 DWIGHT: The Democratic Primary. 574 00:21:26,883 --> 00:21:29,010 Oscar, think about... Think.