1 00:00:10,850 --> 00:00:17,680 They buried the ring along with the bride's corpse, you know, so that really should have been the end of it. 2 00:00:17,680 --> 00:00:24,790 But times were hard back then and some thieving bugger must have dug her up for her jewellery. 3 00:00:24,790 --> 00:00:32,610 So despite its bloody past, Josephine Stewart's engagement ring 4 00:00:32,610 --> 00:00:40,110 somehow found its way onto the finger of another young girl in love. And after another 5 00:00:40,110 --> 00:00:51,610 uncompleted wedding day it nearly ended up back in the ground again. But this family were poorer, and 6 00:00:51,610 --> 00:00:58,550 couldn't afford to be superstitious. So they sold it on. Another grand wedding 7 00:00:58,550 --> 00:01:06,570 planned. Another succession of connected deaths. Another blood on the day itself. 8 00:01:06,570 --> 00:01:11,760 And again in the nineteen twenties. And again 9 00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:19,200 in the nineteen fifties. Rumor has it that it was bought by collector of strange objects 10 00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:24,490 after that. He knew that the vengeful spirit would only truly be severed 11 00:01:24,490 --> 00:01:29,360 from the ring and made mortal once again if the ring could be successfully be 12 00:01:29,360 --> 00:01:37,450 used in a wedding ceremony. Something that the spirit would surely never allow. 13 00:01:37,450 --> 00:01:43,500 So he had the trinket blessed as best he could, and stuck it away in his collection, next to 14 00:01:43,500 --> 00:01:50,320 the broken voodoo dolls and the badly drawn druid pornography. Eventually he died 15 00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:57,310 of natural-ish causes, and various relatives would never much cared for him 16 00:01:58,410 --> 00:02:05,970 flogged off his collection for a fraction of its worth. So it wasn't really a question of "if" the ring 17 00:02:06,210 --> 00:02:15,190 would turn up again, more just "when". And, from there, given that the world can be a dark and violent place 18 00:02:15,190 --> 00:02:20,780 where blessings don't last forever and endings are rarely happy... 19 00:02:20,780 --> 00:02:26,390 It wasn't really a question of "whether" the spirit of Josephine Stewart would claim 20 00:02:26,390 --> 00:02:30,790 more lives. More just of "how many?" 21 00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:13,360 - Have you decided yet, sir? 22 00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:21,120 - Yeah. I want that. That ring there. I want it. To buy it. 23 00:04:21,140 --> 00:04:30,080 Are you going to charge me more now you know how much I want it? Because I'm not really all that interested. I will, though. Buy it. Provided it's... 24 00:04:30,580 --> 00:04:31,860 How much was it, you said? 25 00:04:31,860 --> 00:04:33,060 - This particular ring is... 26 00:04:33,210 --> 00:04:36,750 - You know what? I don't care. It's the right one. 27 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:40,680 I've been everywhere. I'm getting married, you see. 28 00:04:41,300 --> 00:04:42,580 - Congratulations 29 00:04:42,580 --> 00:04:46,340 - She doesn't actually know yet. How much did you say it was again? 30 00:04:46,340 --> 00:04:48,500 -nI didn't sir. Because you keep on talking. 31 00:04:49,700 --> 00:04:51,700 - Oh yeah. Sorry. I'll take it. 32 00:04:51,700 --> 00:04:57,460 - Very good sir. I tell you what, I'll give you a special price buying it back should she turn you down. 33 00:04:58,820 --> 00:05:05,780 - Oh right. Cheers. She won't though. Turn me down, that is. 34 00:05:05,780 --> 00:05:07,620 - And why's that, sir? 35 00:05:07,620 --> 00:05:10,260 - Because, that's just the way it is. 36 00:05:10,980 --> 00:05:11,860 (Cheers) 37 00:05:11,860 --> 00:05:15,620 - Ladies and Gents, you've been an awesome audience. My name is Lee Parker and my conscience is clear. 38 00:05:15,620 --> 00:05:16,660 (Applause) 39 00:05:16,740 --> 00:05:21,940 - Lee Parker, ladies and gentlemen, being far too funny and making me look shit. Give it up once more for Lee Parker! 40 00:05:22,820 --> 00:05:26,260 (Applause, cheering) 41 00:05:33,540 --> 00:05:38,240 - I'm gonna propose to her, mate. I'm gonna do it. I nearly did it last night after the gig. 42 00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:40,260 - So, what stopped you? 43 00:05:40,500 --> 00:05:41,780 - Well, she said... 44 00:05:41,780 --> 00:05:44,900 - I love this. I don't ever want this to change. 45 00:05:46,820 --> 00:05:55,940 - I couldn't propose after that, could I? I know I love her and want to be with her forever. That's not the issue. But things are so good right now 46 00:05:56,020 --> 00:05:57,860 why do I need to change them? 47 00:05:57,860 --> 00:06:00,340 - Dude, let me tell you what I've learned about women. 48 00:06:00,340 --> 00:06:01,620 - Yeah, go on then. What? 49 00:06:02,020 --> 00:06:07,620 - Nothing. So what are you asking me for? I have absolutely no idea how to treat women. 50 00:06:08,500 --> 00:06:13,220 Do I, Renee? No, don't hang up. I'll be with you in one minute. 51 00:06:14,980 --> 00:06:16,420 See? And she LIKES me. 52 00:06:16,420 --> 00:06:20,180 You've just got to do it. For Queen and country. For the good of us all. 53 00:06:20,260 --> 00:06:24,420 - You know what, mate? You're right. Tomorrow. In the gardens. 54 00:06:52,180 --> 00:06:56,900 - In all the movies you've ever seen, what's your favourite death scene? 55 00:06:57,540 --> 00:07:02,660 - The perfect romantic setting to discuss cinematic death scenes. Nice one. 56 00:07:02,660 --> 00:07:04,340 - Alright, forget death scenes 57 00:07:04,900 --> 00:07:06,660 - Roy Batty, Blade Runner. 58 00:07:07,780 --> 00:07:11,460 - Good call actually. Alright then, your favourite... 59 00:07:11,460 --> 00:07:13,460 marriage proposal scene? 60 00:07:13,700 --> 00:07:14,740 - Say again? 61 00:07:15,300 --> 00:07:16,980 - C'mon, you must have one 62 00:07:16,980 --> 00:07:19,940 - Naturally. Who wouldn't have a favourite marriage proposal scene? 63 00:07:20,020 --> 00:07:21,780 For example, yours is...? 64 00:07:23,140 --> 00:07:27,460 - I like the one with the guy in that film with the, uh, talking dog. 65 00:07:28,820 --> 00:07:34,260 - A movie with a guy with a talking dog has your favourite marriage proposal scene? 66 00:07:34,340 --> 00:07:35,300 - Yeah. 67 00:07:35,300 --> 00:07:36,180 - What happens? 68 00:07:36,740 --> 00:07:40,580 - The dog says "I do" instead of the bride. It's hilarious. 69 00:07:40,580 --> 00:07:45,860 - People don't say "I do" during the proposal, Lee. They wait to the actual ceremony. 70 00:07:45,900 --> 00:07:47,100 - Really? Oh, man. 71 00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:50,680 - Since you're about as subtle as a punch in the tits, you feel like telling me why you'd like to know? 72 00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:55,400 - I just wanted to know the best way 73 00:07:55,700 --> 00:07:57,380 to do this. 74 00:08:00,920 --> 00:08:03,720 Find out the best time to produce the ring. 75 00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:06,060 Have I done it too soon? Is this too soon? 76 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:08,140 Is this just right? 77 00:08:08,140 --> 00:08:11,960 And when do I tell you how much I love you? Every tiny molecule of your being? 78 00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:16,480 and that I'd give everything in the world to have you beside me every day of my life? 79 00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:19,620 Do I do that before or after the actual proposal? 80 00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:22,560 The moment where I stop babbling and say... 81 00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:26,600 Nicole Meadows. Will you marry me? 82 00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:32,440 That works. That's good. It's good like that. 83 00:08:34,100 --> 00:08:37,540 - You know, an answer right now would actually rock. 84 00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:40,200 - Of course "yes", you utter cock. 85 00:08:51,500 --> 00:08:53,260 Dad is going to be so happy. 86 00:08:55,680 --> 00:08:56,720 - I'm not happy. 87 00:08:57,040 --> 00:08:58,400 I'm not happy at all. 88 00:08:59,100 --> 00:09:04,060 Jesus, Al, have you any idea the situation this has put me in with Gardenia? 89 00:09:04,060 --> 00:09:07,080 Do you know what he does to people who don't pay back? 90 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:10,300 Well, let me tell you. Do you remember Sid Ferris? 91 00:09:10,300 --> 00:09:14,380 Do you know what happened to him when he tried to screw Gardenia on that Casino money? 92 00:09:14,500 --> 00:09:19,300 No? I'll tell you. He was found with his cock cut off and his heart cut out. 93 00:09:19,300 --> 00:09:24,220 They were lying next to his body. One stuck through the other like a bleeding valentine. 94 00:09:24,820 --> 00:09:26,980 Nah, that wouldn't be possible. 95 00:09:26,980 --> 00:09:29,400 Yeah, that's right. Cock through heart, yeah. 96 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:32,980 Other way round would be too difficult. No matter how skilled a guy was. 97 00:09:32,980 --> 00:09:37,940 Yeah. Anyway, that's what's likely going to happen to me, unless you get your thumb out of your arse 98 00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:38,700 - Dad! 99 00:09:38,700 --> 00:09:40,580 - And, and... Get the monkeys. Monkeys. 100 00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:43,400 - Why were you ordering a monkey, Dad? 101 00:09:43,780 --> 00:09:51,160 - Monkeys. Several monkeys. Toy monkeys. Been ordering them over the net. Be a hot thing this Christmas. Believe me, I'll make a mint. 102 00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:53,360 - Ever the business man, Mr Meadows. 103 00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:55,080 - Yeah, I try, son. I try. 104 00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:58,220 Anyway. Angel, what brings you here this time of night? 105 00:09:58,220 --> 00:10:02,300 - Well, it's not just me. Lee has something he'd like to ask you. 106 00:10:02,380 --> 00:10:03,260 - Oh yeah? 107 00:10:03,340 --> 00:10:04,720 - Yeah. Yes, I do. 108 00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:09,280 - In films, right, what's your favourite... 109 00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:12,000 Nicole. Marry Nicole. 110 00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:14,740 I want to marry Nicole. I'm going to. And... 111 00:10:14,740 --> 00:10:16,740 She told me to tell you. Ask you. 112 00:10:17,060 --> 00:10:19,340 For her. For me to have her. 113 00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:21,240 MARRY her. Nicole. 114 00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:23,560 - Did you just say that you want to "have" my daughter? 115 00:10:24,100 --> 00:10:25,780 - No. No. 116 00:10:26,020 --> 00:10:27,160 Yeah. Can I? 117 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:29,680 - Did I just get from all that babble 118 00:10:29,680 --> 00:10:31,960 that you two are going to get hitched? 119 00:10:32,100 --> 00:10:34,020 - With your kind permission. 120 00:10:37,660 --> 00:10:39,180 - Permission granted. 121 00:10:39,660 --> 00:10:41,340 Good on you both. Congratulations. 122 00:10:41,620 --> 00:10:42,680 - Thanks 123 00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:43,940 - Thanks Dad 124 00:10:44,620 --> 00:10:50,140 - Oh yeah. Best Dad in the universe. And if I'd have said no, you two wouldn't have gone near each other again, would you? 125 00:10:50,540 --> 00:10:53,160 Out of simple respect for me. Yeah. 126 00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:58,400 Look, I'd love to celebrate with you kids, but I've got a shitload of work on here, so... 127 00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:00,660 How about tomorrow, eh? We'll have a drink? 128 00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:01,840 - Love you, Dad. 129 00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:03,520 - Yeah, I love you too, angel. 130 00:11:03,520 --> 00:11:05,000 - Have a good night, eh? 131 00:11:05,180 --> 00:11:07,180 - We will do. See you tomorrow. 132 00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:08,500 - Take care. 133 00:11:09,060 --> 00:11:09,560 - Bye! 134 00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:12,960 - Best Dad in the universe. 135 00:11:15,860 --> 00:11:19,060 Hello? Yeah. We need to make some arrangements. 136 00:11:24,900 --> 00:11:31,220 - So, we want all the good things about a church wedding, without the actual church thing, yeah? 137 00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:32,640 - Sounds good. 138 00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:35,640 I know you can't set foot on hallowed ground without catching fire. 139 00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:37,800 - Registry office? 140 00:11:38,040 --> 00:11:39,840 No, no. Lacks a certain... 141 00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:43,020 - There's a little hall where Alice and Simon got married. 142 00:11:43,140 --> 00:11:45,140 - First Simon or second Simon? 143 00:11:45,140 --> 00:11:49,360 - Second Simon. God, as if I'd do anything the same as Alice and First Simon. 144 00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:55,960 The hall's pretty. Small, lemon drapes. 145 00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:58,260 Just enough room for friends and family. 146 00:11:58,260 --> 00:12:04,120 Plus it won't break Dad's bank. If we don't take control, he'll just keep spending and spending. 147 00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:07,300 - That sounds nice. Shall we check its availability? 148 00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:11,080 - Mmm. We really, really are getting married, aren't we? 149 00:12:12,820 --> 00:12:14,420 - We really, really are. 150 00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:30,960 - Oh hi. I'm looking for a venue for a stag night and I was hoping you might be amenable. 151 00:12:39,980 --> 00:12:41,580 Yes, something sedate. 152 00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:45,480 About 20 guys or so. 153 00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:52,080 Just one other thing. 154 00:12:52,080 --> 00:12:55,040 Do you have any venues with a vomitorium, perchance? 155 00:12:57,620 --> 00:12:58,820 No, a vomitorium. 156 00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:01,960 A room in which people may vomit to make room for more consumption. 157 00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:04,440 Although that may be a mis- Hello? 158 00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:06,400 Hello? 159 00:13:18,420 --> 00:13:22,660 - I was driving yesterday and some guy gave me the "wanker" sign. 160 00:13:22,660 --> 00:13:24,920 - You see, that's just not right, is it? 161 00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:29,980 - Exactly. You can't give a lady the wanker sign. It's the finger. Or the "cocks in mouth" 162 00:13:33,020 --> 00:13:36,060 I just caught myself looking at my ring again. 163 00:13:36,820 --> 00:13:39,780 It really is beautiful. Where did you get it? 164 00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:43,760 Well, it's old. It's really pretty old, I think. 165 00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:47,080 - I wonder who had it first. 166 00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:49,960 I wonder if they were happy. 167 00:13:50,380 --> 00:13:52,080 - I'm sure they were. 168 00:14:09,740 --> 00:14:13,180 - And love is good, and love is true, and love forever 169 00:14:15,620 --> 00:14:18,500 and all is gentle, all is pure and all divine 170 00:14:20,100 --> 00:14:23,540 and you shall hold me, and our bond shall never sever 171 00:14:26,740 --> 00:14:29,700 and I shall be forever yours, and you be mine. 172 00:14:42,900 --> 00:14:45,140 - Lesley. How lovely to see you. 173 00:14:46,020 --> 00:14:48,340 - Jacob. What a pleasant surprise. You want a coffee? 174 00:14:52,260 --> 00:14:54,420 - Coffee would be great. Cheers. 175 00:14:56,100 --> 00:14:59,220 You've really pissed my Dad off. You know that? 176 00:14:59,220 --> 00:15:03,700 - Yeah, I know that. 177 00:15:08,500 --> 00:15:13,300 - Lesley Meadows. L. E. Y. That's the girls' way of spelling it, isn't it? 178 00:15:13,700 --> 00:15:16,180 - I think of it as MY way of spelling it. 179 00:15:16,660 --> 00:15:20,980 - No, it is. It's the girls' way. For a guy it's supposed to end 'ie' 180 00:15:20,980 --> 00:15:24,820 - I imagine you have three sugars in your coffee. Am I right? 181 00:15:25,060 --> 00:15:26,420 - You saying I'm fat? 182 00:15:26,740 --> 00:15:28,980 - I imagine you have a sweet tooth. 183 00:15:28,980 --> 00:15:35,380 - You're saying I'm fat! You stand there with your fucking chick name and your pot of coffee and you call me fat! 184 00:15:35,860 --> 00:15:38,260 - What's the coffee got to do with it? 185 00:15:39,060 --> 00:15:39,860 - Say again? 186 00:15:39,860 --> 00:15:42,950 - I'm standing here, with my fucking chick name, calling you fat. 187 00:15:43,940 --> 00:15:48,180 The coffee just strikes me as an irrelevant detail, that's all. 188 00:15:48,820 --> 00:15:51,700 - Do you know what this is, Lesley with an E Y? 189 00:15:51,700 --> 00:15:55,860 - Well, if it's a sweet dispenser, they've really changed the design. 190 00:15:56,020 --> 00:15:58,740 - You owe my father a quarter of a million. 191 00:15:58,740 --> 00:16:02,900 - Yeah, and how much do you reckon he's going to get back if you shoot me? 192 00:16:05,780 --> 00:16:10,260 - Shoot you in the heart? Maybe that would hinder your payment plan. 193 00:16:12,260 --> 00:16:14,740 Maybe I'll shoot you in the daughter. 194 00:16:16,020 --> 00:16:20,180 - And now I'm going to have to ask you to take that sentence back. 195 00:16:21,380 --> 00:16:26,260 - If you shoot me, my father will not rest until your family lies in pieces. 196 00:16:26,900 --> 00:16:32,340 You see? You fucking idiot? I'm untouchable. 197 00:16:32,340 --> 00:16:35,860 Your daughter, on the other hand, she looks pretty touch- 198 00:16:36,100 --> 00:16:36,820 (gunshot) 199 00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:49,940 - Shit. 200 00:16:49,940 --> 00:16:52,180 - Dad, I found the dress I've been- 201 00:16:53,940 --> 00:16:56,660 - Nicole! It's not... I mean... He was... 202 00:16:56,740 --> 00:17:00,500 I was just about to phone the police. Tell them what I did. 203 00:17:05,940 --> 00:17:08,500 - How are we going to get rid of the body? 204 00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:12,660 - What? 205 00:17:14,980 --> 00:17:20,020 - I love you, Dad. That love comes with trust. Trust means I don't need to ask. 206 00:17:22,020 --> 00:17:25,780 I know you're a good man, which means that that man isn't. 207 00:17:26,900 --> 00:17:29,620 So, how are we going to get rid of the body? 208 00:17:29,620 --> 00:17:34,740 - There's a quarry about an hour's drive away. I've heard it's been used before. 209 00:17:35,140 --> 00:17:40,500 - Lee's gigging up north tonight. I'll catch a movie and come back once it's dark. 210 00:17:42,340 --> 00:17:44,020 - I don't know what to say. 211 00:17:44,260 --> 00:17:47,220 - Best daughter in the world should cover it. 212 00:17:48,660 --> 00:17:51,060 - We never say anything to Lee. Ever. 213 00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:51,700 - No. 214 00:17:51,700 --> 00:17:53,620 - And you never get into this sort of situation again. 215 00:17:53,620 --> 00:17:54,260 - No, of course not. 216 00:17:54,260 --> 00:17:56,820 - And we DON'T let it spoil the wedding. 217 00:17:57,140 --> 00:18:00,340 - No. I'll have to make some alterations, but... 218 00:18:00,380 --> 00:18:05,460 - Whatever needs to happen. Wrap him up in something. I'll be back at ten. 219 00:18:16,820 --> 00:18:19,940 - Ok, Meadows. Can you actually live with this? 220 00:18:21,060 --> 00:18:23,060 Because I don't think you can. 221 00:18:24,940 --> 00:18:27,420 She's your daughter, for God's sake. 222 00:18:28,700 --> 00:18:30,540 She shouldn't be involved. 223 00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:34,900 Hand yourself in to the police. 224 00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:37,500 Yeah. 225 00:18:43,020 --> 00:18:45,260 But I don't want to hand myself in. 226 00:18:45,500 --> 00:18:47,500 That little shit deserved it. 227 00:18:49,700 --> 00:18:52,580 Which takes us neatly back to the question. 228 00:18:54,620 --> 00:18:55,980 Can I live with this? 229 00:19:02,220 --> 00:19:05,300 Yeah. I think I can. 230 00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:13,480 - You see, the problem with human beings is; our needs are too specific. 231 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:15,720 The perfect match for you. 232 00:19:15,900 --> 00:19:18,240 The ideal person. But then... 233 00:19:18,740 --> 00:19:22,700 You discover that person is a balloon fetishist. 234 00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:27,140 But as it turns out, you're a balloon fetishist as well. 235 00:19:28,120 --> 00:19:30,500 So surely now, with the specifics dealt with 236 00:19:30,780 --> 00:19:36,220 you can relax and be happy in your life of air-filled rubber arousal? 237 00:19:36,700 --> 00:19:43,600 No, because as it turns out there are two different groups of balloon fetishist. 238 00:19:44,360 --> 00:19:45,520 Squeakers. 239 00:19:46,020 --> 00:19:46,940 Bursters. 240 00:19:47,180 --> 00:19:50,440 I'm making up the terminology but the concept is true. 241 00:19:50,780 --> 00:19:52,560 Anyway, your squeakers 242 00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:55,300 Have to have the balloons involved in the sex 243 00:19:55,740 --> 00:19:56,860 They blow them up 244 00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:58,020 Tie them up 245 00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:00,040 Give them a bit of a squeak. 246 00:20:00,420 --> 00:20:03,380 And then they're allowed to deflate safely. 247 00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:05,920 Your bursters, on the other hand 248 00:20:06,300 --> 00:20:10,540 At some point, that balloon has to pop. 249 00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:13,680 Squeaker could never fuck burster. 250 00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:15,480 That goes without saying. 251 00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:18,420 When the knickers are damp and the hards are on 252 00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:21,280 That balloon has either got to pop or not 253 00:20:22,260 --> 00:20:27,400 So, one way or the other, someone is going home an unhappy bunny. 254 00:20:27,940 --> 00:20:31,220 So you see, our needs are too specific. 255 00:20:31,220 --> 00:20:32,840 Relationships are tough. 256 00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:38,040 Your perfect match gets harder and harder to find the closer you look. 257 00:20:38,180 --> 00:20:40,500 So, I just don't look very closely. 258 00:20:40,780 --> 00:20:43,940 I get my girlfriend to stay 300 yards away from me at all times. 259 00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:47,080 We communicate by post. Because I don't wanna find it, man. 260 00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:52,060 That one pathetic reason that could fuck up a perfectly good relationship. 261 00:20:52,660 --> 00:20:55,460 I respect her too much. I love her too much. 262 00:20:55,460 --> 00:20:59,900 And if she never finds my balloon porn, the subject will never come up. 263 00:20:59,900 --> 00:21:03,620 Ladies and Gents, I'm Lee Parker and my conscience is clear. Thank you. 264 00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:05,040 (laughter) 265 00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:20,480 - Woah! What's going on? I've only been away a day. 266 00:21:21,140 --> 00:21:22,820 - It was a long day, though. 267 00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:26,920 (muttering) 268 00:21:34,360 --> 00:21:36,100 (TV noise) 269 00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:42,120 (gutteral noise) 270 00:21:58,020 --> 00:21:59,620 (gutteral noise again) 271 00:22:22,860 --> 00:22:24,580 - You are hearing things, matey boy. 272 00:22:27,460 --> 00:22:29,960 (tv noise) 273 00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:48,280 Agh! Jesus Christ! 274 00:22:52,140 --> 00:22:52,940 Agh! Jesus! 275 00:22:58,320 --> 00:22:59,560 (panting) 276 00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:10,640 - So, two weeks. 277 00:23:11,300 --> 00:23:13,020 Two weeks, and you'll be a 'Mrs' what? 278 00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:15,160 - I'll be Mrs Parker. 279 00:23:15,740 --> 00:23:17,280 Mrs Nicole Parker. 280 00:23:17,740 --> 00:23:18,860 - That's insane. 281 00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:22,180 So, how long did it take you to know that Lee was the one? 282 00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:25,200 - Pretty much straight away. 283 00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:29,940 - And how did the boy impress such a notoriously "difficult to impress" girl such as you? 284 00:23:30,180 --> 00:23:32,080 - He taught me how to play a game. 285 00:23:33,580 --> 00:23:34,720 - Intriguing. 286 00:23:34,800 --> 00:23:36,000 What sort of game? 287 00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:47,720 - Excuse me, Miss? 288 00:23:47,900 --> 00:23:48,400 - Yeah? 289 00:23:48,740 --> 00:23:51,080 - Can I interest you in a game of lift roulette? 290 00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:52,680 - I'm sorry? 291 00:23:52,680 --> 00:23:55,800 - What I'm suggesting is a game of lift roulette. 292 00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:57,540 It's a classic game of chance, you see. 293 00:23:58,100 --> 00:23:59,700 What happens is, I dance 294 00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:03,840 Or strike a pose 295 00:24:03,980 --> 00:24:05,100 Drop my trousers 296 00:24:05,100 --> 00:24:08,900 Basically, anything to make me look stupid at the point the lift stops and the doors open 297 00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:13,140 You see, if there's nobody there then I've got away with it and I win. 298 00:24:13,260 --> 00:24:16,520 If there's someone there, however, then I look stupid and YOU win. 299 00:24:17,700 --> 00:24:18,480 You in? 300 00:24:18,840 --> 00:24:20,200 Time's running out. 301 00:24:20,500 --> 00:24:22,060 What floor do you get off at? 302 00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:24,140 - Fourteen. 303 00:24:25,540 --> 00:24:26,420 Yeah, I'm in. 304 00:24:26,980 --> 00:24:27,480 - Cool. 305 00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:38,580 You see, in this case, you win. 306 00:24:40,580 --> 00:24:42,540 I'm going to lunch at 1.30, if you want to play again? 307 00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:43,960 - Alright. 308 00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:46,640 - See you then. 309 00:24:49,400 --> 00:24:53,080 - Seriously? Lift roulette? 310 00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:55,880 - I'm a sucker for whimsy. 311 00:24:56,420 --> 00:24:58,300 - How long have we been friends, Nic? 312 00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:04,880 - Uh, 14 years, I think. Jesus! 313 00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:08,120 - And have you ever known me to be wrong about anything? 314 00:25:08,440 --> 00:25:10,240 - Yes, lots of things. 315 00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:13,900 Well, what did you want to know anyway? 316 00:25:14,120 --> 00:25:15,960 - Piss off. Forget it! 317 00:25:17,900 --> 00:25:19,000 (tv noise) 318 00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:23,680 - Dude, where did you say Nic was again? 319 00:25:23,920 --> 00:25:24,420 - Pub. 320 00:25:25,360 --> 00:25:28,880 TV: ..Giant octopuses. I'll be there to defend them. 321 00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:32,800 TV: Whenever tentacled sea creatures threaten our way of life 322 00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:35,560 TV: I'll be there to stop them. 323 00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:38,360 TV: How? How will you stop them? 324 00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:41,240 TV: By shooting them. 325 00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:42,360 TV: I see. 326 00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:44,760 - Whay aren't WE in the pub? 327 00:25:45,140 --> 00:25:47,360 In case you failed to notice, this film's shite 328 00:25:47,360 --> 00:25:48,520 Let's go find her. 329 00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:50,140 - She's with Carly. 330 00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:50,980 - So? 331 00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:54,620 - So, your track record with your exes isn't exactly stellar, is it, mate? 332 00:25:54,660 --> 00:25:55,840 - Don't know what you're talking about. 333 00:25:56,900 --> 00:25:58,660 - What was it you said to Katie's boyfriend when you first met him? 334 00:25:58,660 --> 00:26:02,420 -Oh what? I just said that I thought Arsenal were letting themselves down this year. 335 00:26:02,420 --> 00:26:05,680 I think you'll find that's called an opinion. It's not being rude. 336 00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:08,000 - I wasn't talking about that particular sentence actually. 337 00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:09,140 - Well, what other sentence? 338 00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:11,360 - "'Ello mate, nice to meet you" 339 00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:14,640 "By the way, does Katie still growl when she comes, or wouldn't you fucking know?" 340 00:26:15,540 --> 00:26:16,380 - Oh yeah. 341 00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:19,860 - That was why he hit me wasn't it? 342 00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:24,920 Ah that doesn't matter; that was different. I wouldn't... 343 00:26:24,960 --> 00:26:29,040 Hang on, are you trying to tell me Carly's got a new boyfriend? 344 00:26:29,040 --> 00:26:30,720 -Well he's not exactly new is he? 345 00:26:30,980 --> 00:26:33,140 - Jesus, she still with that guy? 346 00:26:33,360 --> 00:26:34,520 The taxi driver 347 00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:35,740 - Taxidermist 348 00:26:35,740 --> 00:26:36,500 - Same thing 349 00:26:36,500 --> 00:26:38,440 - No it's not. Look it up, will you. 350 00:26:38,980 --> 00:26:41,200 Otherwise don't come crying to me next time you hail a cab 351 00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:42,960 and some git stuffs your carcass full of sawdust. 352 00:26:44,700 --> 00:26:47,340 - An octopus killed my father, you know. 353 00:26:47,340 --> 00:26:50,560 (offscreen) - No wonder you are so pissed off with them 354 00:26:52,420 --> 00:26:53,500 - Do you think she loves him? 355 00:26:54,140 --> 00:26:56,480 - What? How do I know? 356 00:26:56,480 --> 00:26:59,160 Anyway, why are you bothered? I thought you were still happy with that Renee bird. 357 00:26:59,340 --> 00:27:00,500 - Totally. I don't really even... 358 00:27:00,500 --> 00:27:01,660 - ...think about him much. 359 00:27:02,120 --> 00:27:04,640 I'm happy with Eric. Eric's lovely. 360 00:27:05,540 --> 00:27:07,720 - Good. That's great. 361 00:27:08,480 --> 00:27:09,780 - It's brilliant. 362 00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:13,520 So you're gonna be really happy, Nic. 363 00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:15,200 I'm really proud of you. 364 00:27:15,780 --> 00:27:16,820 - Thanks Carly. 365 00:27:17,620 --> 00:27:19,500 - I'm just going to... 366 00:27:27,700 --> 00:27:29,460 - Let us pray 367 00:27:32,420 --> 00:27:34,020 - What the hell was that? 368 00:27:34,980 --> 00:27:36,340 Did nobody see that? 369 00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:38,320 Did nobody see that? 370 00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:43,860 (whispering) 371 00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:50,740 - Nic, honey, what's wrong? What's going on? 372 00:27:51,660 --> 00:27:53,260 - There was somebody... 373 00:27:53,720 --> 00:27:54,420 - What? 374 00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:57,380 - Can we go? 375 00:27:57,380 --> 00:27:58,260 - Of course, sure. 376 00:28:06,700 --> 00:28:08,940 (doorbell) - Don't touch my beer. 377 00:28:18,160 --> 00:28:19,700 Hey, what's wrong? What's up? 378 00:28:19,700 --> 00:28:22,580 - Nothing to worry about. I'm absolutely fine, honey. 379 00:28:22,580 --> 00:28:24,240 Just had a bit of a weird night is all. 380 00:28:24,240 --> 00:28:26,000 - Come on, I'll get you to bed. 381 00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:28,880 - Is it alright if I give Eric a call to pick me up? 382 00:28:28,880 --> 00:28:31,500 It'll be a fortune in a cab. I won't be under you feet long. 383 00:28:31,500 --> 00:28:33,080 - Yeah, go on, help yourself. 384 00:28:37,660 --> 00:28:40,180 - Hi babe, could you pick me up, do you think? 385 00:28:40,800 --> 00:28:41,680 Oh cheers. 386 00:28:42,740 --> 00:28:44,260 No, I'm at Lee's place. 387 00:28:44,500 --> 00:28:45,920 23 Genesta Lane 388 00:28:45,980 --> 00:28:47,740 It's just off Brightwell. 389 00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:48,540 Thanks. 390 00:28:49,260 --> 00:28:52,120 - Carly, Ricky's in the lounge. 391 00:28:53,020 --> 00:28:56,360 - And could you really hurry up please? 392 00:28:56,840 --> 00:28:57,860 Cheers. 393 00:29:04,980 --> 00:29:05,980 Hello mate 394 00:29:06,740 --> 00:29:08,140 - You're looking well. 395 00:29:08,300 --> 00:29:10,220 - You're looking rat-arsed. 396 00:29:10,220 --> 00:29:12,600 Which probably explains why you think I'm looking well. 397 00:29:12,600 --> 00:29:15,580 - Didn't expect to see you tonight. What's up with the blushing bride? 398 00:29:15,580 --> 00:29:17,500 - She says she saw a dirty man in the pub. 399 00:29:17,500 --> 00:29:20,460 - And that overwhelmed her so much she had to come home early. 400 00:29:20,460 --> 00:29:21,660 Hygiene fascist. 401 00:29:22,020 --> 00:29:23,660 - I think it was more... 402 00:29:25,140 --> 00:29:26,540 I don't know what it was. 403 00:29:28,920 --> 00:29:30,640 So... how you been? 404 00:29:32,100 --> 00:29:33,900 - Yeah, good. 405 00:29:35,920 --> 00:29:37,040 - Seeing anyone? 406 00:29:38,680 --> 00:29:40,560 - Yeah, Renee. 407 00:29:40,680 --> 00:29:41,600 Lovely girl. 408 00:29:45,500 --> 00:29:47,600 - Is she... the one? 409 00:29:48,660 --> 00:29:50,800 - Why are you asking? 410 00:29:52,320 --> 00:29:53,600 - Because I'm drunk 411 00:29:53,820 --> 00:29:55,140 And nosey. 412 00:29:55,600 --> 00:29:58,540 - Well luckily, I"m drunk enough to reply. 413 00:30:00,320 --> 00:30:02,260 I can't imagine myself together forever with her 414 00:30:02,260 --> 00:30:04,380 But I can't imagine that with any girl. 415 00:30:05,100 --> 00:30:06,520 I always thought 416 00:30:06,700 --> 00:30:08,460 It would be good to hang on to a single element 417 00:30:08,600 --> 00:30:09,840 Of every ex 418 00:30:09,840 --> 00:30:13,120 And slowly assemble the perfect Frankengirlfriend 419 00:30:13,420 --> 00:30:16,040 You know, like this girl's sense of humour 420 00:30:16,320 --> 00:30:17,760 And this girl's smile 421 00:30:17,760 --> 00:30:18,860 This girl's eyes 422 00:30:20,880 --> 00:30:24,460 I reckon I could find something from every girl I've ever been with. 423 00:30:24,460 --> 00:30:26,580 That I could spend the rest of my life with 424 00:30:26,580 --> 00:30:28,320 But not necessarily the whole package. 425 00:30:28,440 --> 00:30:29,180 You know? 426 00:30:29,960 --> 00:30:30,560 - Yeah 427 00:30:30,980 --> 00:30:32,260 I know what you mean. 428 00:30:34,900 --> 00:30:38,180 - Saying he was dirty doesn't cover it. 429 00:30:38,380 --> 00:30:39,200 Well... 430 00:30:39,940 --> 00:30:41,240 Unclean 431 00:30:41,840 --> 00:30:43,940 Like spiritually unclean. 432 00:30:44,820 --> 00:30:47,140 Like it wasn't actually a person. 433 00:30:47,140 --> 00:30:48,620 - It just sounds weird. 434 00:30:49,460 --> 00:30:51,200 I don't know what to say, Nic. 435 00:30:51,200 --> 00:30:53,220 You've been under a lot of pressure lately. 436 00:30:53,220 --> 00:30:55,100 I know you've been worried about your dad, and then there's the wedding... 437 00:30:55,100 --> 00:30:58,180 - Oh, I'm not worried, I'm fine. Seriously. I'm fine. 438 00:31:00,880 --> 00:31:03,100 - Did you at least have a good night up until then? 439 00:31:03,420 --> 00:31:05,940 - Yeah. Carly was on good form and we... 440 00:31:08,120 --> 00:31:09,020 Hang on 441 00:31:09,260 --> 00:31:09,760 - What? 442 00:31:09,760 --> 00:31:11,620 - Is Ricky still downstairs? 443 00:31:11,740 --> 00:31:12,380 - Oh shit! 444 00:31:13,100 --> 00:31:14,860 - Sod 'em. Leave them to it. 445 00:31:14,860 --> 00:31:16,280 - Yeah, I think we'd better... 446 00:31:16,440 --> 00:31:17,720 - I said leave them. 447 00:31:23,800 --> 00:31:25,080 - So have you worked out the speech? 448 00:31:25,080 --> 00:31:26,320 - Have I worked out the what now? 449 00:31:26,600 --> 00:31:27,480 - The speech. 450 00:31:27,480 --> 00:31:29,500 Kinda goes with the whole Best Man thing. 451 00:31:30,980 --> 00:31:33,380 - Nah. I'll get Lee to write it for me. 452 00:31:33,380 --> 00:31:36,380 - You can't do that! That misses the point totally. 453 00:31:36,380 --> 00:31:39,720 - Well he is a professional comedian. His will be much better. 454 00:31:39,900 --> 00:31:41,660 (doorbell) 455 00:31:41,660 --> 00:31:42,900 - That'll be Eric. 456 00:31:42,900 --> 00:31:43,400 - Cool. 457 00:31:44,040 --> 00:31:45,760 Bring him in, I'd like to meet him. 458 00:31:57,740 --> 00:32:00,080 - Ricky, Eric. Eric, Ricky. 459 00:32:00,600 --> 00:32:02,760 - Hi, Eric. Nice to meet you, man. 460 00:32:03,040 --> 00:32:04,060 - You too. 461 00:32:04,300 --> 00:32:06,460 You're the, uh, publicist guy, right? 462 00:32:06,960 --> 00:32:07,940 - Guilty. 463 00:32:07,940 --> 00:32:11,500 Do you know what? You two look really nice together, actually. 464 00:32:11,720 --> 00:32:12,920 - Yeah, I think so. 465 00:32:13,520 --> 00:32:15,280 Come on, Carly. Time to go. 466 00:32:15,900 --> 00:32:18,760 - Eric, Hi. Everything alright here? 467 00:32:18,760 --> 00:32:19,600 - Everyone happy? 468 00:32:19,680 --> 00:32:20,820 - Everything ok? 469 00:32:20,880 --> 00:32:22,220 - Everything's fine. 470 00:32:22,220 --> 00:32:24,160 - Everything's been really nice. 471 00:32:24,340 --> 00:32:26,080 - I think it's been terrific. 472 00:32:26,080 --> 00:32:30,300 We got to have a little chat. Got to meet Eric, who I've been hearing so much about. 473 00:32:30,900 --> 00:32:31,960 - All good, I hope. 474 00:32:32,200 --> 00:32:34,640 - I dunno. Call it 50/50. 475 00:32:35,620 --> 00:32:37,700 Kidding. Course all good. 476 00:32:37,700 --> 00:32:39,980 Look forward to seeing you guys at the wedding, alright? 477 00:32:41,720 --> 00:32:43,000 - Just one thing... 478 00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:47,360 You see, we were having a conversation earlier about perfect people 479 00:32:47,360 --> 00:32:52,200 And Ricky was saying how he'd like to keep one thing from every ex-girlfriend. 480 00:32:53,000 --> 00:32:55,800 And seeing as we went out for a bit, you know 481 00:32:56,160 --> 00:32:58,240 I wondered what you'd keep. 482 00:32:58,760 --> 00:32:59,560 from me 483 00:33:06,360 --> 00:33:07,340 - It would be... 484 00:33:07,980 --> 00:33:09,600 Your nipples, Carly. 485 00:33:11,200 --> 00:33:13,040 Okay, alright, hear me out. 486 00:33:13,300 --> 00:33:16,600 Just imagine a dark pink world. 487 00:33:16,600 --> 00:33:20,840 And in that dark pink world, somebody stubs out a dark pink cigar 488 00:33:21,960 --> 00:33:24,120 Into a dark pink marshmallow 489 00:33:24,660 --> 00:33:27,700 And thus, they create one of Carly's nipples. 490 00:33:28,720 --> 00:33:32,080 Magnificent, without equal and fucking en... 491 00:33:34,220 --> 00:33:35,460 Nice slap, bitch. 492 00:33:35,460 --> 00:33:37,880 I remember when you could look after yourself 493 00:33:39,820 --> 00:33:41,420 Still can. Good to know. 494 00:33:47,400 --> 00:33:49,640 - Why did you... Just why? 495 00:33:50,860 --> 00:33:51,840 - Witchcraft? 496 00:33:52,360 --> 00:33:53,500 - You prick! 497 00:33:54,140 --> 00:33:56,580 For God's sake, man. Look, I really want you to be my Best Man. 498 00:33:56,580 --> 00:33:59,260 Fuck knows why. I must need my fucking head examined. 499 00:33:59,260 --> 00:34:00,840 Why did you have to do it, eh? 500 00:34:00,840 --> 00:34:02,840 - Dude, they were great nipples. 501 00:34:04,720 --> 00:34:06,880 - Shut up, will you. Just go home. 502 00:34:06,880 --> 00:34:10,660 - I think it's best if I wait till they're safely gone, don't you? 503 00:34:10,660 --> 00:34:13,640 - Shut up and stay here then. The shutting up is the important bit, ok? 504 00:34:33,220 --> 00:34:35,260 (whispering) 505 00:34:39,460 --> 00:34:40,460 (screams) 506 00:34:42,160 --> 00:34:43,200 - What the hell? 507 00:34:43,200 --> 00:34:44,040 - I just saw something. 508 00:34:44,980 --> 00:34:46,260 I saw a woman's face 509 00:34:46,320 --> 00:34:48,000 - There's nothing there. 510 00:34:48,560 --> 00:34:50,340 Maybe you were having an acid flashback 511 00:34:50,340 --> 00:34:53,040 - You really can't stand that I had a life before you, can you? 512 00:34:53,080 --> 00:34:55,800 - No, I can't stand that you had an IDIOT before me 513 00:34:56,180 --> 00:34:59,240 - That's nice. Real nice. What exactly would it take to shut you up? 514 00:34:59,720 --> 00:35:03,000 -Stitch my mouth shut. Still wouldn't be enough. 515 00:35:08,880 --> 00:35:10,280 (whispering) 516 00:36:47,980 --> 00:36:49,740 (muffled panic) 517 00:37:07,760 --> 00:37:10,400 - Eric? Where are you? 518 00:37:14,460 --> 00:37:15,200 Eric? 519 00:37:23,340 --> 00:37:24,540 I don't believe it 520 00:37:25,840 --> 00:37:26,760 He's left me 521 00:37:27,940 --> 00:37:30,020 The bastard's left me in the middle of the night! 522 00:37:33,120 --> 00:37:36,860 Well, it's not as if he lived here. There's not much of his stuff to check. 523 00:37:38,500 --> 00:37:39,460 Hold on 524 00:37:40,180 --> 00:37:41,620 His car's still there 525 00:37:42,880 --> 00:37:45,120 Thank God. He must be coming back. 526 00:37:46,840 --> 00:37:50,000 Maybe he's just popped out for the papers or something 527 00:37:53,140 --> 00:37:55,060 Yeah. Absolutely. 528 00:37:56,460 --> 00:37:57,740 Cheers, Nic 529 00:38:06,360 --> 00:38:09,240 - Protection. I'm organising protection. 530 00:38:09,240 --> 00:38:13,500 Which means we'll need to cut the guest list to accomodate some of my associates. 531 00:38:14,200 --> 00:38:15,500 - By how much? 532 00:38:16,020 --> 00:38:20,300 - If Gardenia makes a move on the wedding, it's the ceremony he's going to go for. 533 00:38:20,820 --> 00:38:23,240 Still invite your mates to the reception 534 00:38:23,240 --> 00:38:26,060 But, uh, we need to pack the ceremony with muscle 535 00:38:26,060 --> 00:38:28,860 - What makes you think he'd go for a revenge hit at the wedding? 536 00:38:29,000 --> 00:38:29,960 - Just a hunch. 537 00:38:42,360 --> 00:38:43,920 - You still trying to sort out those flowers? 538 00:38:45,220 --> 00:38:46,500 - Yeah. Nightmare. 539 00:38:53,520 --> 00:38:55,460 - I liked chocolate ice cream, you know. 540 00:38:55,600 --> 00:38:58,980 Just to give you some idea of what I was like, before I was a corpse. 541 00:38:59,200 --> 00:39:00,660 I liked chocolate ice-cream. 542 00:39:00,860 --> 00:39:02,060 (Booming sounds) 543 00:39:15,940 --> 00:39:17,140 (Booming sounds) 544 00:40:15,480 --> 00:40:17,640 - That's my ring, whore! 545 00:40:20,000 --> 00:40:20,500 (gasp) 546 00:40:55,220 --> 00:40:55,780 - Carly? 547 00:40:57,860 --> 00:41:01,640 Yeah, I know. Sorry it's so late but I really need to speak to you. 548 00:41:06,540 --> 00:41:08,460 - So, what are we talking? 549 00:41:09,060 --> 00:41:11,740 Secret lives? Infidelity? 550 00:41:11,960 --> 00:41:13,140 Cold feet? What? 551 00:41:14,120 --> 00:41:16,820 - Do you still know that occult stuff you were so into at uni? 552 00:41:17,080 --> 00:41:20,780 - (laughs) You come over here all snot and nightshirts because you're worried about the occult? 553 00:41:21,600 --> 00:41:23,360 - This ring won't come off. 554 00:41:23,980 --> 00:41:25,900 - So we are talking cold feet? 555 00:41:27,100 --> 00:41:29,800 - This ring won't come off, Carly. 556 00:41:31,000 --> 00:41:31,720 It used to 557 00:41:31,980 --> 00:41:34,540 And then I started having these dreams 558 00:41:35,500 --> 00:41:37,100 And then I got blood on it 559 00:41:37,100 --> 00:41:38,660 And now it won't come off 560 00:41:38,660 --> 00:41:40,340 - I'm sorry honey. You've lost me? 561 00:41:42,100 --> 00:41:44,540 - Back as a student, you used to read auras and stuff, right? 562 00:41:44,800 --> 00:41:46,700 - Jesus! As a student! 563 00:41:47,500 --> 00:41:51,120 I also used to drink Snakebite and black just for the joy of puking purple 564 00:41:51,460 --> 00:41:52,920 But I don't do that anymore either 565 00:41:53,180 --> 00:41:53,980 - Please? 566 00:41:54,980 --> 00:41:55,540 - For me? 567 00:41:55,880 --> 00:41:57,080 - You're serious? 568 00:41:57,740 --> 00:41:59,940 You always used to say that stuff was horseshit. 569 00:42:00,300 --> 00:42:03,980 - Oh, I just need to know that everything's okay with me. 570 00:42:07,440 --> 00:42:10,240 - It's a long time since I've done this, Nic 571 00:42:10,240 --> 00:42:11,780 I can't promise anything. 572 00:42:13,380 --> 00:42:15,380 We need to turn the lights down 573 00:42:49,300 --> 00:42:50,740 - How are you feeling? 574 00:42:52,400 --> 00:42:52,900 - Good 575 00:42:53,600 --> 00:42:54,640 Well, okay 576 00:42:55,320 --> 00:42:57,160 - I'm going to need your hand 577 00:43:05,920 --> 00:43:08,520 This really is just hippy bullshit, you know, Nic 578 00:43:09,780 --> 00:43:12,820 It's to do with the way the pupils take in light 579 00:43:13,600 --> 00:43:16,800 I just used to do it to make the goth guys think... 580 00:43:18,360 --> 00:43:18,860 Oh God 581 00:43:19,240 --> 00:43:19,740 - What? 582 00:43:19,900 --> 00:43:20,940 What is it? 583 00:43:22,440 --> 00:43:25,100 - It's like a pulsing 584 00:43:25,260 --> 00:43:26,220 Can you see it? 585 00:43:26,900 --> 00:43:28,620 - You're messing with me, aren't you? 586 00:43:29,260 --> 00:43:29,760 Carly? 587 00:43:31,500 --> 00:43:34,860 I can't believe it. I can believe you'd mess... 588 00:43:35,160 --> 00:43:36,120 - I can see her. 589 00:43:39,780 --> 00:43:41,380 - The woman in the dress? 590 00:43:41,580 --> 00:43:42,720 - The woman in the dress. 591 00:43:44,980 --> 00:43:46,180 - What can we do? 592 00:43:46,720 --> 00:43:49,860 - Do you reckon we can make it to London and back before Lee wakes up? 593 00:43:49,940 --> 00:43:50,440 - Why? 594 00:43:51,600 --> 00:43:52,920 - We're going to wake up my cousin 595 00:43:53,260 --> 00:43:55,020 (music) 596 00:43:58,500 --> 00:44:02,100 - Hi Carly. Hi. Good to see you. 597 00:44:02,580 --> 00:44:04,100 Do we hug? I forget. 598 00:44:04,480 --> 00:44:06,800 - Hi Sinclair. Yes, we hug. 599 00:44:07,600 --> 00:44:08,560 - And... Kiss? 600 00:44:08,620 --> 00:44:09,180 - Um, no. 601 00:44:09,180 --> 00:44:10,500 No, we don't do that. 602 00:44:12,060 --> 00:44:13,720 - I must apologise for the clutter 603 00:44:13,720 --> 00:44:17,460 I'd make you a cup of tea, but I appear to have mislaid the kettle 604 00:44:18,660 --> 00:44:21,620 Would you show any interest in lime cordial? 605 00:44:22,400 --> 00:44:23,280 - No thank you 606 00:44:23,640 --> 00:44:24,760 - And you, um...? 607 00:44:25,520 --> 00:44:26,200 - Nicole 608 00:44:26,780 --> 00:44:29,260 Yes, lime cordial sounds delightful 609 00:44:29,880 --> 00:44:30,520 - Does it? 610 00:44:31,620 --> 00:44:32,120 Balls 611 00:44:32,800 --> 00:44:33,760 I was bluffing 612 00:44:33,760 --> 00:44:35,340 I don't have any of that either 613 00:44:35,340 --> 00:44:38,040 Um, there's some water in the toilet if you want it 614 00:44:38,040 --> 00:44:41,760 In the taps from the toilet, I mean. I'm not suggesting that you 615 00:44:41,760 --> 00:44:44,660 scoop it out, or get down on all fours and lap it out of the bowl 616 00:44:44,660 --> 00:44:45,820 - Nicole's ring! 617 00:44:46,080 --> 00:44:47,360 I think it's cursed 618 00:44:48,120 --> 00:44:49,880 - Oh, I very much doubt that 619 00:44:50,420 --> 00:44:53,140 Cursed rings are very few and far between 620 00:44:53,140 --> 00:44:55,560 despite what you may have heard from- 621 00:44:58,740 --> 00:45:00,120 Jesus Christ! 622 00:45:01,700 --> 00:45:03,480 That's Josephine Stewart's ring 623 00:45:04,560 --> 00:45:05,060 - Who? 624 00:45:05,880 --> 00:45:08,160 - Oh, I expect you would have seen her by now 625 00:45:09,200 --> 00:45:11,440 Dreams? Visions? 626 00:45:12,420 --> 00:45:15,140 I imagine she would have taken quite a dislike to you 627 00:45:15,740 --> 00:45:16,880 - She called me a whore 628 00:45:17,320 --> 00:45:19,160 - How horribly rude of her 629 00:45:20,040 --> 00:45:21,660 Josephine Stewart... 630 00:45:22,460 --> 00:45:24,060 A beautiful young woman 631 00:45:26,200 --> 00:45:28,760 Betrayed by the man she was set to marry 632 00:45:29,200 --> 00:45:31,320 And she snapped 633 00:45:31,620 --> 00:45:33,620 She didn't confront him 634 00:45:33,860 --> 00:45:35,780 Or even tell him that she knew 635 00:45:36,400 --> 00:45:38,800 She just began picking people off 636 00:45:39,100 --> 00:45:43,180 One by one. Anyone even vaguely associated with him... 637 00:45:43,660 --> 00:45:44,160 Her... 638 00:45:44,400 --> 00:45:45,800 The wedding... 639 00:45:46,600 --> 00:45:49,280 And then, on the wedding day itself 640 00:45:50,160 --> 00:45:51,820 She put on her dress 641 00:45:52,260 --> 00:45:55,040 and killed her husband's mistress 642 00:45:55,320 --> 00:45:59,460 So legend has it, she bit off her ring finger and spat it at her husband 643 00:45:59,460 --> 00:46:03,420 Before slicing open his stomach and pulling out his entrails 644 00:46:03,800 --> 00:46:06,020 Then she took her own life 645 00:46:07,400 --> 00:46:10,340 and that... That's her ring. 646 00:46:11,980 --> 00:46:13,340 - This is impossible 647 00:46:13,700 --> 00:46:14,500 - Far from it 648 00:46:15,300 --> 00:46:18,660 - Those of us who take the time to follow such things 649 00:46:18,660 --> 00:46:21,100 have been waiting for that ring to show up for quite a while now 650 00:46:21,100 --> 00:46:25,100 Oh, it's cropped up once or twice over the past 100 years or so 651 00:46:25,520 --> 00:46:27,280 Always with young couples 652 00:46:27,480 --> 00:46:28,920 Always so much in love 653 00:46:30,200 --> 00:46:32,380 Always turns out messy 654 00:46:33,300 --> 00:46:35,760 - So, what can you do about it? 655 00:46:37,580 --> 00:46:39,200 - Let's meet this bitch! 656 00:46:41,140 --> 00:46:42,820 And from darkness... 657 00:46:43,060 --> 00:46:43,820 to light 658 00:46:44,440 --> 00:46:47,180 and so, I call you out 659 00:46:48,320 --> 00:46:49,800 and from water 660 00:46:50,160 --> 00:46:51,140 to air 661 00:46:52,280 --> 00:46:53,780 so I call you out... 662 00:46:55,380 --> 00:46:57,060 - No, he doesn't! 663 00:46:58,600 --> 00:47:00,880 You take what's mine 664 00:47:01,920 --> 00:47:04,180 You show no respect 665 00:47:04,580 --> 00:47:07,600 You talk of love and you know nothing! 666 00:47:07,600 --> 00:47:09,240 - He really hurt you, didn't he? 667 00:47:10,380 --> 00:47:12,180 Broke your heart? 668 00:47:15,200 --> 00:47:17,840 - I was going to wait to spill whore blood 669 00:47:18,120 --> 00:47:20,560 but I'll just take you all now! 670 00:47:21,000 --> 00:47:22,360 - No, you won't 671 00:47:22,940 --> 00:47:24,380 You're in a mirror 672 00:47:25,160 --> 00:47:26,920 - And you're staying there 673 00:47:27,660 --> 00:47:29,480 - NO! 674 00:47:34,640 --> 00:47:36,960 - So, what, she is staying in there? 675 00:47:37,160 --> 00:47:40,200 - I've always wanted a mirror with a ghost in it 676 00:47:49,100 --> 00:47:49,900 - Sinclair! 677 00:47:51,060 --> 00:47:53,060 This ring still won't come off 678 00:47:53,660 --> 00:47:55,720 - It doesn't altogether surprise me 679 00:47:56,000 --> 00:47:58,700 You see, the ring's still hers 680 00:47:59,160 --> 00:48:00,420 It's her anchor 681 00:48:01,260 --> 00:48:04,220 But, in time, the meaning of the ring will change 682 00:48:04,620 --> 00:48:06,160 It won't be her anchor 683 00:48:06,420 --> 00:48:08,580 Then, it'll just be a normal ring 684 00:48:10,100 --> 00:48:14,580 Until then, I'd advise you to keep it away from bad karma 685 00:48:14,580 --> 00:48:16,580 Dark energy, blood, corpses 686 00:48:16,740 --> 00:48:18,060 That kind of thing 687 00:48:18,680 --> 00:48:21,460 and then she'll stay stuck in the mirror 688 00:48:23,100 --> 00:48:24,700 and whatever you do 689 00:48:24,700 --> 00:48:26,860 don't stick the finger with the ring 690 00:48:27,120 --> 00:48:28,240 up your arse 691 00:48:29,040 --> 00:48:29,540 - Why? 692 00:48:30,340 --> 00:48:31,500 - Because it's dirty 693 00:48:31,500 --> 00:48:34,280 and horrid to stick your fingers up your arse 694 00:48:34,960 --> 00:48:36,660 Did your mother teach you nothing? 695 00:48:37,820 --> 00:48:38,460 - Father. 696 00:48:39,120 --> 00:48:40,960 And, yes, he taught me a lot. 697 00:48:41,140 --> 00:48:43,260 - I think it's time to go home 698 00:48:43,260 --> 00:48:46,100 So, no more secrets between you and Lee, then? 699 00:48:47,300 --> 00:48:47,800 - No. 700 00:48:49,700 --> 00:48:51,940 - I hope I see you ladies again soon 701 00:48:52,440 --> 00:48:53,480 and, Carly...? 702 00:48:54,440 --> 00:48:55,160 Remember. 703 00:48:56,380 --> 00:48:58,340 It's okay between cousins. 704 00:48:58,880 --> 00:49:01,200 There's nothing wrong with it whatsoever. 705 00:49:01,840 --> 00:49:04,460 It's not even against the law. 706 00:49:04,680 --> 00:49:08,540 - I really don't want to even think about that, thank you, Sinclair. 707 00:49:08,780 --> 00:49:11,260 - Repressed, that's your problem. 708 00:49:11,620 --> 00:49:13,300 I'll see you soon. 709 00:49:35,520 --> 00:49:36,840 - I think you and me need to have a chat, Nicky. 710 00:49:38,300 --> 00:49:39,180 - About what? 711 00:49:39,600 --> 00:49:42,320 - Well, I'm not even going to start as to where you ran off to in the middle of the night 712 00:49:42,740 --> 00:49:44,580 I'll start with the blood stains on your top 713 00:49:46,080 --> 00:49:47,200 - I can't tell you 714 00:49:48,540 --> 00:49:49,040 - Try. 715 00:49:52,920 --> 00:49:54,880 - If I tell you, I'm endangering you 716 00:49:55,240 --> 00:49:56,440 I couldn't do that 717 00:49:56,820 --> 00:49:59,800 - Well, you used to say to me you couldn't lie to me either 718 00:49:59,800 --> 00:50:01,580 I guess that's gone by the wayside 719 00:50:01,860 --> 00:50:04,040 So, seeing as we're setting precedents here today 720 00:50:04,040 --> 00:50:06,500 Why don't you just tell me why you've got blood all over your clothes? 721 00:50:06,500 --> 00:50:08,740 I mean, c'mon, Nicky, we're getting married for Christ's sake 722 00:50:10,640 --> 00:50:12,340 - I can't tell you honey 723 00:50:13,200 --> 00:50:15,760 - Where the fuck does that leave us then, eh? 724 00:50:19,380 --> 00:50:20,180 (door slam) 725 00:50:32,720 --> 00:50:34,360 (whispering) 726 00:50:54,540 --> 00:50:55,260 (car horn) 727 00:50:59,180 --> 00:51:03,360 (music) 728 00:51:05,280 --> 00:51:06,400 - What time is it? 729 00:51:07,740 --> 00:51:08,300 - Eleven 730 00:51:11,300 --> 00:51:13,220 - Is this the day or the night? 731 00:51:13,220 --> 00:51:15,460 - Well, I don't know. My watch doesn't say. 732 00:51:17,220 --> 00:51:19,180 - We came here in the morning, didn't we? 733 00:51:19,780 --> 00:51:22,260 This can't be right. What time does this place close? 734 00:51:24,920 --> 00:51:25,720 It doesn't? 735 00:51:27,120 --> 00:51:28,080 Interesting. 736 00:51:33,540 --> 00:51:35,560 - You want to talk to some chicks? 737 00:51:36,040 --> 00:51:36,540 - No. 738 00:51:37,040 --> 00:51:38,080 I really don't. 739 00:51:42,840 --> 00:51:44,340 - You want to tell me what happened? 740 00:51:44,340 --> 00:51:44,840 - No! 741 00:51:50,820 --> 00:51:52,140 - Do you... 742 00:51:52,320 --> 00:51:53,980 want to be sick again? 743 00:51:56,060 --> 00:51:59,240 - No. Sorry about your shoes. 744 00:52:01,180 --> 00:52:03,680 - Look, dude, whatever's going on 745 00:52:03,680 --> 00:52:06,800 you're obviously having some sort of moment of realisation 746 00:52:06,800 --> 00:52:09,720 and when that happens, it's never straightforward 747 00:52:14,660 --> 00:52:17,120 - I don't know why I ever thought this could work out 748 00:52:24,660 --> 00:52:27,140 - Cousin Emma had a kid a few years back 749 00:52:27,140 --> 00:52:30,420 The first in our generation to make with the baby production 750 00:52:30,500 --> 00:52:32,100 So I became, like an aunt 751 00:52:32,100 --> 00:52:33,960 A second aunt? A something aunt. 752 00:52:34,100 --> 00:52:36,520 Anyway, I hadn't seen Emma in years 753 00:52:36,520 --> 00:52:39,200 and suddenly she announces that she wanted to come and stay overnight 754 00:52:39,200 --> 00:52:40,500 You know, a favour. 755 00:52:40,780 --> 00:52:43,740 Just her and the little boy, no big deal, just one night. 756 00:52:44,060 --> 00:52:46,360 The little boy was a toddler at this point 757 00:52:46,360 --> 00:52:48,100 Called Colin. Adorable little boy. 758 00:52:48,220 --> 00:52:50,960 I'd just graduated from Uni and I was sharing a flat with Carly 759 00:52:51,020 --> 00:52:53,660 which wasn't exactly child-friendly. 760 00:52:54,700 --> 00:52:58,220 It wasn't a crack den or anything, it was just that we were used to leaving stuff lying around 761 00:52:58,220 --> 00:53:01,600 Carly left a vibrator on the kitchen sideboard once, you know, that kind of thing. 762 00:53:01,840 --> 00:53:04,380 And I was so determined to make a good impression on Emma 763 00:53:04,380 --> 00:53:08,080 and not forever go down in history as the bad aunt who let Colin drink bongwater or something 764 00:53:09,000 --> 00:53:11,400 It was great. We had plenty of soft toys lying around 765 00:53:11,400 --> 00:53:13,180 and Georgie was a kitten at this point. 766 00:53:13,440 --> 00:53:16,440 Can you think of anything more child friendly than a kitten and a bunch of soft toys? 767 00:53:16,900 --> 00:53:19,720 So Emma would think I was brilliant, and everything would be wonderful 768 00:53:19,800 --> 00:53:20,680 - Foolproof. 769 00:53:20,940 --> 00:53:25,080 - So, I was talking to Emma about tax breaks, or something suitably grown up 770 00:53:25,080 --> 00:53:26,380 but Georgie wasn't happy 771 00:53:26,380 --> 00:53:29,120 because we'd only had him fixed about three days before 772 00:53:29,220 --> 00:53:32,900 and Georgie found the octopus. My stuffed toy octopus. 773 00:53:32,900 --> 00:53:34,700 - I didn't know you had a stuffed toy octopus 774 00:53:34,900 --> 00:53:36,500 - I don't. Not any more. 775 00:53:37,540 --> 00:53:42,180 So, Georgie picks up the stuffed toy octopus and drags it into the middle of the living room floor 776 00:53:42,180 --> 00:53:45,120 and little Colin sits on the sofa and watches 777 00:53:45,120 --> 00:53:48,480 while Georgie attempts to have sex with the stuffed toy octopus' face 778 00:53:48,520 --> 00:53:49,020 - God. 779 00:53:49,380 --> 00:53:51,180 - Doomed to failure 780 00:53:51,320 --> 00:53:53,680 3 days after being neutered, there's no way a kitten 781 00:53:53,680 --> 00:53:56,580 can satisfactorily have sex with an octopus' face 782 00:53:56,680 --> 00:53:58,440 What Georgie actually did 783 00:53:58,440 --> 00:54:04,080 was drag his empty, stitched scrotum repeatedly across the octopus' sightless plastic eyes 784 00:54:04,140 --> 00:54:04,860 and howl 785 00:54:05,180 --> 00:54:07,280 (howls) 786 00:54:07,780 --> 00:54:10,520 A howl of loss and frustration 787 00:54:10,520 --> 00:54:13,820 and little Colin sits there and watches Georgie dry-fuck the octopus' face 788 00:54:13,880 --> 00:54:15,020 and begins to cry 789 00:54:15,440 --> 00:54:19,940 It was possibly the most disturbing thing I've seen in my entire life 790 00:54:20,380 --> 00:54:21,800 (laughs) 791 00:54:22,500 --> 00:54:24,520 Do you want to go and get an ice-cream? 792 00:54:25,680 --> 00:54:28,180 - I think I've just fallen in love with you 793 00:54:29,360 --> 00:54:31,440 - Interesting choice of moment 794 00:54:33,820 --> 00:54:34,460 - Come on. 795 00:54:46,740 --> 00:54:49,660 (music) 796 00:54:51,320 --> 00:54:51,820 - Wow 797 00:54:52,660 --> 00:54:53,540 - Wow what? 798 00:54:54,880 --> 00:54:58,400 - I just had a, what did you call it? A moment of realisation 799 00:54:59,100 --> 00:55:00,380 I've just realised 800 00:55:00,960 --> 00:55:01,980 I don't care 801 00:55:02,360 --> 00:55:03,480 - You don't care? 802 00:55:04,280 --> 00:55:04,780 - No. 803 00:55:05,160 --> 00:55:06,120 Cheers, mate! 804 00:55:18,820 --> 00:55:20,660 - I don't care about secrets 805 00:55:20,660 --> 00:55:23,260 I don't care about mistakes. All I want to do is just get married. 806 00:55:24,560 --> 00:55:27,760 - That's terrific, Lee. But I haven't got a clue what you're talking about. 807 00:55:27,840 --> 00:55:28,880 Nic's not here. 808 00:55:29,300 --> 00:55:30,760 - Wasn't at her flat, either. 809 00:55:31,260 --> 00:55:31,820 Or mine. 810 00:55:31,900 --> 00:55:33,180 - Her Dad's office? 811 00:55:33,580 --> 00:55:34,460 - Worth a try. 812 00:55:40,600 --> 00:55:41,720 (shriek of pain) 813 00:55:43,420 --> 00:55:46,740 - This is turning into a really bad day 814 00:55:46,740 --> 00:55:48,740 - I'm really sorry. I'm just in a bit of a hurry, okay? 815 00:55:48,740 --> 00:55:51,800 - Well, "hurry is as hurry does", as my old Granny used to say 816 00:55:51,800 --> 00:55:53,680 Mind you, she was mad, so that doesn't really help any 817 00:55:55,000 --> 00:55:57,280 Buy us a new one? 818 00:55:58,240 --> 00:55:59,900 - Okay, where's your coffee machine? 819 00:55:59,900 --> 00:56:02,060 - Not the coffee. Buy us a new boiler suit. 820 00:56:02,840 --> 00:56:04,980 - I haven't got time to buy you a new boiler suit. 821 00:56:04,980 --> 00:56:07,300 - You haven't got time to buy me a new boiler suit? 822 00:56:07,300 --> 00:56:08,380 - No, I bloody haven't! 823 00:56:08,380 --> 00:56:10,580 - Well, I think you'll find, then, I haven't got time to let you pass 824 00:56:10,580 --> 00:56:12,940 - You haven't so much as blinked at me ever before 825 00:56:13,100 --> 00:56:16,420 - I think I'd better start making up for lost time then, hadn't I? 826 00:56:17,140 --> 00:56:17,780 - Oh, God. 827 00:56:19,660 --> 00:56:21,020 - Andy! 828 00:56:21,440 --> 00:56:22,480 (toilet flush) 829 00:56:24,940 --> 00:56:28,440 - I can't believe the amount of effort it takes to have a successful crap in one of these things 830 00:56:29,240 --> 00:56:31,620 Eight buttons, velcro, pull it all the way down 831 00:56:31,620 --> 00:56:33,280 Should just have a little slit. Here. 832 00:56:33,420 --> 00:56:34,120 - That'd be cool. 833 00:56:34,280 --> 00:56:34,780 - Crotchless 834 00:56:34,780 --> 00:56:35,280 - Erotic 835 00:56:35,280 --> 00:56:35,780 - GUYS! 836 00:56:36,140 --> 00:56:36,920 - Problem? 837 00:56:37,460 --> 00:56:39,580 - This toilet is making threats 838 00:56:39,580 --> 00:56:42,100 - Hang on a sec. I've not made any threats. 839 00:56:42,480 --> 00:56:44,880 - This toilet is threatening 840 00:56:45,080 --> 00:56:47,000 not to buy me a new boiler suit 841 00:56:47,120 --> 00:56:48,560 (both) - The bastard! 842 00:56:48,560 --> 00:56:50,820 - So, are we extorting clothes from people again? 843 00:56:51,000 --> 00:56:51,940 - Yeah, looks like 844 00:56:51,940 --> 00:56:53,820 - So, you guys do this sort of thing often? 845 00:56:54,280 --> 00:56:55,400 - Not all the time 846 00:56:55,460 --> 00:56:56,260 - Sometimes 847 00:56:56,420 --> 00:56:57,780 - Not always clothes 848 00:56:58,000 --> 00:56:58,720 - Biscuits 849 00:56:58,720 --> 00:56:59,500 - Toffee apples 850 00:56:59,540 --> 00:57:00,400 - Labradors 851 00:57:00,520 --> 00:57:01,020 - Hats 852 00:57:01,020 --> 00:57:03,000 - This isn't how security is meant to work 853 00:57:03,000 --> 00:57:04,700 - You know all about it, do you? 854 00:57:04,700 --> 00:57:05,600 - I think you'll find 855 00:57:05,600 --> 00:57:08,000 (both) - We make the rules round here 856 00:57:09,340 --> 00:57:09,840 - Fine! 857 00:57:10,800 --> 00:57:12,140 - What bloody size are you? 858 00:57:12,140 --> 00:57:13,160 - Is he saying I'm fat now? 859 00:57:13,160 --> 00:57:16,040 - I think he is. He's a medium. Look at him. Quite clearly a medium. 860 00:57:16,120 --> 00:57:17,080 - Extra medium 861 00:57:17,220 --> 00:57:18,740 - Who you kidding, pal? 862 00:57:18,980 --> 00:57:20,260 (both) - Crotchless! 863 00:57:20,960 --> 00:57:22,100 - Crotchless medium 864 00:57:22,440 --> 00:57:23,960 - Extra crotchless medium 865 00:57:29,380 --> 00:57:32,280 - I've always wanted to be a better Dad than I have been, angel 866 00:57:32,800 --> 00:57:34,400 I wish your mum was still around 867 00:57:34,400 --> 00:57:36,480 She'd have been better at giving advice than me 868 00:57:37,080 --> 00:57:38,620 I think you just need to talk to him 869 00:57:38,820 --> 00:57:40,220 Tell him what you think he needs to know 870 00:57:40,620 --> 00:57:41,340 I trust you 871 00:57:41,500 --> 00:57:43,060 - He won't listen! 872 00:57:44,080 --> 00:57:45,520 Not now. It's too late 873 00:57:45,700 --> 00:57:48,600 - I don't think you should count him out just yet 874 00:57:52,120 --> 00:57:54,960 (music) 875 00:57:55,180 --> 00:57:56,600 - You don't have to tell me anything 876 00:57:56,600 --> 00:57:58,440 - I know. I'm going to tell you everything now, anyway 877 00:57:59,840 --> 00:58:02,160 (Lesley) - I'll put on some coffee now, shall I? 878 00:58:05,700 --> 00:58:07,860 (song) We're back, and it's fine 879 00:58:08,880 --> 00:58:10,880 (song) And I smile all the time 880 00:58:11,600 --> 00:58:14,080 (song) 'cos I'm yours and you're mine 881 00:58:15,020 --> 00:58:17,420 (song) and we're back, and it's fine 882 00:58:25,860 --> 00:58:29,540 (song) You laughed and I cried, and we talked and I tried 883 00:58:37,200 --> 00:58:39,280 (song) We're back and it's fine 884 00:58:40,100 --> 00:58:42,100 (song) and I smile all the time 885 00:58:43,920 --> 00:58:48,240 (song) 'cos I'm yours and you're mine and we're back and it's fine 886 00:58:52,240 --> 00:58:54,720 (song) we're back and it's fine 887 00:58:58,700 --> 00:59:02,240 - I don't know if you're aware why we're doing this 888 00:59:04,200 --> 00:59:05,960 It might strike some of you 889 00:59:06,560 --> 00:59:08,600 as overly theatrical 890 00:59:10,160 --> 00:59:11,520 Murders at a wedding 891 00:59:12,300 --> 00:59:14,700 All a bit over the top 892 00:59:15,720 --> 00:59:19,020 and if that's what you're thinking, that's fine 893 00:59:20,640 --> 00:59:24,240 but if you decide to vocalise such opinions 894 00:59:24,700 --> 00:59:26,300 then we'll have trouble 895 00:59:27,700 --> 00:59:29,660 Keep 'em to yourself 896 00:59:32,660 --> 00:59:33,680 Because 897 00:59:35,260 --> 00:59:38,760 I want to make this very clear indeed 898 00:59:39,820 --> 00:59:42,500 that bastard took my son 899 00:59:43,060 --> 00:59:44,240 my boy 900 00:59:45,620 --> 00:59:46,780 my Jacob 901 00:59:48,540 --> 00:59:51,100 and, by God, I want payback! 902 00:59:52,300 --> 00:59:53,580 He's got a daughter 903 00:59:55,360 --> 00:59:57,900 for the next few hours at least 904 00:59:59,240 --> 01:00:03,760 I wanna walk through pieces of her face 905 01:00:04,220 --> 01:00:06,520 Kick at them, like autumn leaves 906 01:00:06,800 --> 01:00:11,460 I want her lover strung up like a horse thief in the old West 907 01:00:13,060 --> 01:00:15,180 but Meadows himself... 908 01:00:18,520 --> 01:00:20,840 That's why I'm coming with you boys 909 01:00:22,580 --> 01:00:24,840 I'm not sitting this one out 910 01:00:40,580 --> 01:00:43,620 - Tell me one more time from the top 911 01:00:44,340 --> 01:00:46,580 Who the hell are these guys? 912 01:00:47,080 --> 01:00:49,080 - They're Lesley's associates 913 01:00:49,080 --> 01:00:50,540 - And where are your friends and family again? 914 01:00:50,540 --> 01:00:52,440 - I told you. Reception only now. 915 01:00:52,440 --> 01:00:54,520 Lesley thought it was for the best. 916 01:00:54,520 --> 01:00:56,660 - Any clue why he may have thought that? 917 01:00:57,340 --> 01:01:00,540 - I think that he thinks that some shit may go down 918 01:01:00,940 --> 01:01:02,060 - It's a wedding! 919 01:01:02,480 --> 01:01:04,840 Shit doesn't go down at weddings 920 01:01:04,840 --> 01:01:07,480 Shit goes down at midnight meetings at the docks 921 01:01:07,660 --> 01:01:09,500 Shit goes down at drug deals 922 01:01:09,500 --> 01:01:10,400 - Shit certainly... 923 01:01:10,440 --> 01:01:11,760 - Would you keep your voice down? 924 01:01:11,760 --> 01:01:13,400 - does not go down at weddings 925 01:01:13,400 --> 01:01:15,160 - And it won't at this one either 926 01:01:20,100 --> 01:01:21,000 Probably. 927 01:01:25,560 --> 01:01:27,960 (Official) - All stand for the bride 928 01:01:37,760 --> 01:01:50,620 (music) 929 01:02:06,680 --> 01:02:10,140 (sinister music) 930 01:02:19,720 --> 01:02:27,480 - Ladies and gentlemen, we're gathered here today to join in matrimony Lee Parker and Nicole Meadows 931 01:02:32,680 --> 01:02:33,780 (muffled gunshot) 932 01:02:34,780 --> 01:02:35,880 - Sniper! 933 01:02:41,740 --> 01:02:44,100 (machine gun fire outside) 934 01:02:44,100 --> 01:02:44,700 (muffled gunshot) 935 01:02:50,000 --> 01:02:50,500 - Dad! 936 01:02:50,880 --> 01:02:51,560 (muffled gunshot) 937 01:02:54,940 --> 01:02:55,580 Dad! 938 01:02:59,820 --> 01:03:01,260 - I'm sorry, princess 939 01:03:03,700 --> 01:03:04,680 So sorry 940 01:03:06,100 --> 01:03:07,420 I didn't want this to... 941 01:03:08,360 --> 01:03:09,840 to ruin your big day 942 01:03:13,720 --> 01:03:16,180 - Dad, I'd forgive you anything 943 01:03:17,400 --> 01:03:18,400 I don't care 944 01:03:19,540 --> 01:03:20,820 Just don't die on me 945 01:03:21,720 --> 01:03:24,720 Please don't die on me 946 01:03:33,280 --> 01:03:34,160 - Oh my God 947 01:03:35,280 --> 01:03:36,320 Is he..? 948 01:03:37,360 --> 01:03:38,740 Bastards 949 01:03:47,220 --> 01:03:48,120 BASTARDS! 950 01:03:48,580 --> 01:03:49,740 Get off me, Rick 951 01:03:49,920 --> 01:03:51,200 (gunfire outside) 952 01:03:52,760 --> 01:03:53,500 - Nic? 953 01:03:54,040 --> 01:03:58,040 You might want to keep the cursed ring away from all the blood 954 01:04:06,660 --> 01:04:08,100 It looks like it's... 955 01:04:09,020 --> 01:04:09,920 Oh Jesus 956 01:04:15,020 --> 01:04:16,780 We're going to have to move 957 01:04:17,120 --> 01:04:18,480 - I'm not leaving Dad 958 01:04:18,960 --> 01:04:19,760 - Come on 959 01:04:20,100 --> 01:04:21,220 Nic, I'm so sorry 960 01:04:29,720 --> 01:04:30,640 - Oh no! 961 01:04:36,060 --> 01:04:37,340 (mirror smash) 962 01:04:37,700 --> 01:04:38,340 - Come on! 963 01:04:39,380 --> 01:04:40,820 Please, Nic 964 01:04:55,260 --> 01:04:56,400 - LET US PRAY! 965 01:04:58,260 --> 01:04:59,380 (eating sounds) 966 01:05:09,380 --> 01:05:10,100 (gunshot) 967 01:05:10,520 --> 01:05:11,240 (screams) 968 01:05:11,280 --> 01:05:12,000 (gunshot) 969 01:05:16,840 --> 01:05:18,280 - How are things over here then, mate? 970 01:05:18,280 --> 01:05:20,480 - Few fuckers left. Won't take another couple of minutes 971 01:05:20,480 --> 01:05:21,920 - Think you'll finish them off, though? 972 01:05:21,920 --> 01:05:24,120 - I'm not letting those gangster bastards ruin that lassie's wedding day 973 01:05:24,120 --> 01:05:24,940 - Good for you 974 01:05:25,000 --> 01:05:25,720 (gunshot) 975 01:05:31,580 --> 01:05:34,700 - I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave 976 01:05:39,380 --> 01:05:40,740 You weren't invited 977 01:05:41,180 --> 01:05:41,820 (scream) 978 01:05:49,100 --> 01:05:50,620 I know what I have to do! 979 01:05:56,200 --> 01:05:57,080 - Wait! Wait! 980 01:05:59,980 --> 01:06:02,180 - You want the ring? Have it! 981 01:06:05,560 --> 01:06:08,560 - Did you just chop off your finger and throw it at the ghost? 982 01:06:10,400 --> 01:06:11,180 - Yeah? 983 01:06:12,200 --> 01:06:12,700 - Why? 984 01:06:14,700 --> 01:06:16,200 - Well, she vanished, didn't she? 985 01:06:16,200 --> 01:06:17,960 - I think she was probably surprised 986 01:06:18,100 --> 01:06:18,720 I was! 987 01:06:19,000 --> 01:06:20,920 I think she'll be back any second 988 01:06:21,200 --> 01:06:23,560 I don't think the finger thing will have helped 989 01:06:24,240 --> 01:06:24,740 - Oh. 990 01:06:25,280 --> 01:06:27,700 - You need to change the meaning of the anchor 991 01:06:27,920 --> 01:06:30,560 You need to complete the wedding ceremony using the ring 992 01:06:30,840 --> 01:06:32,720 So it's yours, not hers 993 01:06:38,520 --> 01:06:40,640 - I actually feel quite sick 994 01:06:44,760 --> 01:06:49,920 - Guys! Do not go outside! There's a fucking gang war going on out there! 995 01:06:53,700 --> 01:06:55,140 - Where's the finger? 996 01:06:56,320 --> 01:06:57,760 We need to reattach it 997 01:06:59,220 --> 01:07:00,460 (screams) 998 01:07:14,260 --> 01:07:15,300 - Oi, shithead! 999 01:07:15,920 --> 01:07:18,320 Nobody chews my girl's finger on her wedding day 1000 01:07:18,960 --> 01:07:20,940 Sweetie? Ax. 1001 01:07:23,020 --> 01:07:23,820 (splatter) 1002 01:07:37,200 --> 01:07:38,480 - Give me the finger 1003 01:07:47,660 --> 01:07:51,800 Ricky, make yourself useful and find something with adhesive properties 1004 01:07:52,880 --> 01:07:53,380 - Like? 1005 01:07:54,080 --> 01:07:54,680 - Glue? 1006 01:07:55,200 --> 01:07:57,860 A stapler? A fucking nailgun if that's all you can find 1007 01:07:58,480 --> 01:07:59,960 This finger's going back on 1008 01:08:01,000 --> 01:08:02,440 - Did you say nailgun? 1009 01:08:14,420 --> 01:08:16,180 - Ricky, get the registrar 1010 01:08:20,600 --> 01:08:21,340 Right. 1011 01:08:21,600 --> 01:08:24,240 Staples first, tape over the top, I reckon. 1012 01:08:24,980 --> 01:08:26,980 We need to finish the ceremony 1013 01:08:27,380 --> 01:08:29,420 We change the meaning of the anchor 1014 01:08:29,420 --> 01:08:30,760 and she'll change too 1015 01:08:32,280 --> 01:08:33,400 - I might pass out 1016 01:08:33,400 --> 01:08:34,760 - Try and wait for the 'I do' 1017 01:08:34,800 --> 01:08:35,300 - I will 1018 01:08:35,300 --> 01:08:35,800 - Good 1019 01:08:36,020 --> 01:08:39,140 - No, I mean we're going to say 'I will' not 'I do' 1020 01:08:40,080 --> 01:08:40,960 - Good to know 1021 01:08:51,120 --> 01:08:52,240 (staple crunch) 1022 01:08:54,520 --> 01:08:55,640 (staple crunch) 1023 01:09:00,460 --> 01:09:01,240 (staple crunch) 1024 01:09:26,820 --> 01:09:27,540 (gunshot) 1025 01:09:35,200 --> 01:09:37,040 - You're going to be alright 1026 01:09:38,460 --> 01:09:40,540 - See, there's a problem, Carly 1027 01:09:40,720 --> 01:09:43,220 - There's no problem. There's no problem at all. You're going to get up. 1028 01:09:44,720 --> 01:09:46,800 - That would appear to be unwise 1029 01:09:49,960 --> 01:09:51,720 But that's not the problem 1030 01:09:54,600 --> 01:09:56,140 - No, don't you dare 1031 01:09:56,960 --> 01:09:58,880 Don't you fucking dare say it 1032 01:10:00,140 --> 01:10:03,500 - Not punching me near the soon-to-be-fatal wound 1033 01:10:03,500 --> 01:10:05,320 would be greatly appreciated 1034 01:10:06,660 --> 01:10:08,420 - Oh, leopard, I'm so sorry 1035 01:10:10,080 --> 01:10:11,000 - Leopard? 1036 01:10:11,240 --> 01:10:13,480 You ain't called me that in a while 1037 01:10:15,400 --> 01:10:17,160 I still never change, do I? 1038 01:10:19,840 --> 01:10:20,800 - No, you don't 1039 01:10:21,920 --> 01:10:24,320 Are you gonna die on me now, Pearson? 1040 01:10:24,320 --> 01:10:25,920 Is that your big finish? 1041 01:10:26,340 --> 01:10:27,860 - No. Not if I can help it 1042 01:10:30,680 --> 01:10:34,520 - I think I might have... I may be... 1043 01:10:34,760 --> 01:10:35,780 Oh, sod it 1044 01:10:42,260 --> 01:10:45,140 - I tell you what, Carly. I'm not going to die 1045 01:10:45,680 --> 01:10:49,040 Not now there seems to be a chance that, if I pull through... 1046 01:10:49,780 --> 01:10:52,420 I'll get to see one of your nipples again 1047 01:10:53,140 --> 01:10:55,060 - I'll show you now if you want 1048 01:10:55,400 --> 01:10:59,000 - No, not yet. They're giving me something to live for. 1049 01:11:01,200 --> 01:11:02,640 - Keep reading! 1050 01:11:05,760 --> 01:11:07,120 - And, if anybody... 1051 01:11:07,800 --> 01:11:10,640 ...here has any... 1052 01:11:11,540 --> 01:11:12,480 ...just... 1053 01:11:13,820 --> 01:11:14,860 ...impediment 1054 01:11:15,240 --> 01:11:18,040 - Look, no-one's going to object. I think it's safe to move on. 1055 01:11:18,100 --> 01:11:20,740 - I'm sorry, I can't remember this stuff 1056 01:11:20,740 --> 01:11:24,480 I'm fucking shitting myself here, her fucking finger's falling off for fuck's sake 1057 01:11:28,500 --> 01:11:30,160 I now pronounce you 1058 01:11:31,300 --> 01:11:33,380 man and wife 1059 01:11:34,260 --> 01:11:36,020 (scream) 1060 01:11:39,460 --> 01:11:41,740 - You may kill the bride 1061 01:11:42,360 --> 01:11:42,920 (shout) 1062 01:11:46,440 --> 01:11:47,800 (music) 1063 01:11:48,240 --> 01:11:50,880 (Sinclair) - They say love conquers all 1064 01:11:51,320 --> 01:11:52,960 and they might be right 1065 01:11:53,220 --> 01:11:55,700 I don't know quite what the police made of it all 1066 01:11:56,120 --> 01:12:00,340 A couple of dozen dead gangsters from rival organisations 1067 01:12:00,640 --> 01:12:03,560 a monster with an ax wound in its head 1068 01:12:03,560 --> 01:12:06,000 and a beheaded woman in a wedding dress 1069 01:12:06,200 --> 01:12:10,620 who had apparently already died over a hundred years beforehand 1070 01:12:11,540 --> 01:12:15,800 I don't think Lee and Nicole ever found out what the police made of it either 1071 01:12:15,800 --> 01:12:21,780 According to Carly, they buggered off on their honeymoon without so much as stopping at the dry cleaners 1072 01:12:21,800 --> 01:12:23,360 or the police station 1073 01:12:23,500 --> 01:12:25,820 and they have yet to return 1074 01:12:26,100 --> 01:12:27,640 As for Carly 1075 01:12:27,860 --> 01:12:32,520 she seems to be back with that Ricky chap more or less permanently 1076 01:12:32,700 --> 01:12:34,400 "giving it another try" 1077 01:12:34,660 --> 01:12:39,140 Just because he got a bit shot, I don't see what so fucking impressive about... 1078 01:12:39,140 --> 01:12:41,600 Now now, Sinclair. Mustn't get bitter. 1079 01:12:42,440 --> 01:12:47,480 The spirit of Josephine Stewart finally found rest 1080 01:12:47,900 --> 01:12:51,500 and it was happily ever afters all round. 1081 01:12:53,700 --> 01:12:56,700 Well, except for all the people that died, I suppose. 1082 01:13:00,500 --> 01:13:02,940 Subtitles by Jinx Media 2016