1 00:00:21,098 --> 00:00:25,854 ♪ Today's the day with my toupee I go to the award show 2 00:00:25,899 --> 00:00:28,334 ♪ It's Wig Wearer of the Year 3 00:00:28,380 --> 00:00:31,179 ♪ A night alone without the moron... 4 00:00:35,143 --> 00:00:38,055 ♪ Can't wait for tonight Oh, what a delight 5 00:00:38,103 --> 00:00:40,334 ♪ To see Bob's trophy in his hands 6 00:00:40,384 --> 00:00:42,818 ♪ I'll be so proud, sat in the crowd 7 00:00:42,864 --> 00:00:45,333 ♪ Drunk as a lord without me pants on. ♪ 8 00:00:46,905 --> 00:00:50,581 Oh, just you and me on a night out together. 9 00:00:50,626 --> 00:00:52,857 Hey, who should we thank if I win? 10 00:00:52,907 --> 00:00:55,262 What, Vic? No, I'm not thanking that arsehole! 11 00:00:56,469 --> 00:00:59,666 Who's that you're talking to? Is it Wiggy, that little fella who lives on your head? 12 00:00:59,709 --> 00:01:02,827 Yeah, you just leave him alone, right? Today, I don't want you sweating near him, 13 00:01:02,870 --> 00:01:04,189 I don't want you slavering on him, 14 00:01:04,230 --> 00:01:05,949 I don't want you creating breezes near him, 15 00:01:05,991 --> 00:01:09,462 I need him completely unflustered for the evening's award show. 16 00:01:09,512 --> 00:01:13,984 Bob, that wig will remain safe and undisturbed 17 00:01:14,033 --> 00:01:17,390 unless something untoward happens, which I'm sure it won't. 18 00:01:18,434 --> 00:01:21,108 That's really very reassuring. 19 00:01:21,155 --> 00:01:22,794 Now, Bob, did you get me curly cheesy puffs? 20 00:01:22,836 --> 00:01:23,825 - Uh? - Did you get me curly cheese puffs? 21 00:01:23,876 --> 00:01:25,468 - Uh? - Did you get them, did you get them? 22 00:01:25,516 --> 00:01:27,473 - Yeah! - Did you get 'em, did you? Yes! 23 00:01:27,517 --> 00:01:29,348 Yes, yes, yes, 24 00:01:29,397 --> 00:01:32,470 yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! 25 00:01:32,518 --> 00:01:33,394 Yes! 26 00:01:33,438 --> 00:01:34,838 Oh, no, sorry, I forgot. 27 00:01:34,879 --> 00:01:39,112 No, no, no, no, no, no, no! 28 00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:40,388 No, no! 29 00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:45,562 Dryness, dehydrated, need water. 30 00:01:45,602 --> 00:01:50,040 Cool, refreshing Scottish water. 31 00:01:50,083 --> 00:01:52,439 Course I got them. There you are, I was just kidding, 32 00:01:52,484 --> 00:01:55,716 just kidney beans, just kindling, that kind of thing. 33 00:01:55,765 --> 00:01:56,959 There you go. 34 00:02:00,406 --> 00:02:01,395 What's the matter? 35 00:02:01,446 --> 00:02:04,360 These are straight ones, I asked for curly ones. 36 00:02:04,408 --> 00:02:06,683 Well, they'll just taste the same, won't they? 37 00:02:06,728 --> 00:02:10,039 No, they won't! You eat with your eyes, man! 38 00:02:10,089 --> 00:02:12,320 What's the matter with you? 39 00:02:12,370 --> 00:02:15,123 Whoa! Come here. 40 00:02:19,211 --> 00:02:21,567 There you are, freshly curled. 41 00:02:23,492 --> 00:02:25,085 Well? 42 00:02:25,133 --> 00:02:27,967 Oh, no. It's not the same, I can still taste the straightness. 43 00:02:28,014 --> 00:02:29,209 Go and get me a curly one. 44 00:02:29,255 --> 00:02:31,007 No, I won't. I'm not your slave. 45 00:02:31,055 --> 00:02:33,091 I'm sorry about the lack of curl 46 00:02:33,136 --> 00:02:35,855 but, look, today's the day of me award ceremony. 47 00:02:35,896 --> 00:02:38,457 Can't we just create a nice, pleasant atmosphere? 48 00:02:38,497 --> 00:02:40,727 Go on, why don't you show me 49 00:02:40,777 --> 00:02:43,292 what you've been doing on your little computer? 50 00:02:43,338 --> 00:02:44,453 All right, then. 51 00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:48,287 Actually, I've been up all night working on Photoshop, d'you know what I mean? 52 00:02:48,339 --> 00:02:51,458 - Sorry? - Working on Photoshop. 53 00:02:51,501 --> 00:02:53,571 Yeah, I got that. What was the little flourish afterwards, though? 54 00:02:53,621 --> 00:02:56,090 Working on Photoshop... ... d'you know what I mean? 55 00:02:56,142 --> 00:02:57,939 It's, like, cool for, '"Do you know what I mean? '" 56 00:02:57,982 --> 00:03:01,612 Oh, right. '"D'you know what I mean? '" Yeah, I get you. 57 00:03:01,663 --> 00:03:02,938 Yeah, no, I know the Photoshop. 58 00:03:02,984 --> 00:03:05,703 It's not the Photoshop. 59 00:03:05,744 --> 00:03:08,054 It's just Photoshop. 60 00:03:08,105 --> 00:03:09,458 Just Photoshop, you idiot. 61 00:03:09,505 --> 00:03:12,419 Idiot? Oh, yeah. If I was an idiot, would I be able to do this? 62 00:03:16,108 --> 00:03:17,507 Eh? 63 00:03:17,548 --> 00:03:18,697 What? 64 00:03:18,748 --> 00:03:21,946 Eh? Oh, well, you'll never know. Come on, what have you been doing? 65 00:03:21,989 --> 00:03:24,220 Well... 66 00:03:24,270 --> 00:03:29,391 Bob have you ever wondered what Richard Branson, SirRichard Branson, 67 00:03:29,431 --> 00:03:31,581 might look like if he didn't have a beard? 68 00:03:31,631 --> 00:03:34,067 Yeah, all the time, sometimes every minute of every day. 69 00:03:34,113 --> 00:03:35,432 Yeah, I think most people... 70 00:03:35,473 --> 00:03:38,227 most people have wondered that at some point in their lives. 71 00:03:38,274 --> 00:03:39,787 - Yeah, definitely, definitely. - Have a look at this. 72 00:03:44,195 --> 00:03:46,869 I don't even know who that is, Vic. I don't recognise him at all. 73 00:03:46,916 --> 00:03:48,986 It's Richard Branson, SirRichard Branson. 74 00:03:49,037 --> 00:03:51,471 - Really? - But wait a minute. Look. 75 00:03:56,359 --> 00:03:59,432 Wow, he's back, it's Richard. SirRichard. 76 00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:02,951 Sir Richard's back now, so he can design more hot-air balloons. 77 00:04:03,001 --> 00:04:06,517 Yeah. Do you know, you've done really well, Vic. 78 00:04:06,562 --> 00:04:08,473 - Thank you. - Done really, really well. 79 00:04:08,522 --> 00:04:10,320 Bob, can I ask you something? 80 00:04:10,363 --> 00:04:12,672 - I don't know, can you? - Yeah. 81 00:04:12,723 --> 00:04:15,079 Do you know it's the Wig Wearer of the Year Awards tonight? 82 00:04:15,124 --> 00:04:19,005 Yeah, and if I win it will be three years on the trot and I get to keep the wig. 83 00:04:19,046 --> 00:04:22,004 - Yeah, so no more rentals on it? - No, it's mine to keep. 84 00:04:22,046 --> 00:04:23,275 I was wondering... 85 00:04:23,327 --> 00:04:26,205 I'd really like to go to something like that. Can I go with you? 86 00:04:26,247 --> 00:04:28,284 No, no, no, no, no, you're not going, Vic. 87 00:04:28,328 --> 00:04:31,241 Do you not remember last year with Bruce Forsyth? 88 00:04:32,209 --> 00:04:36,886 A goo-goo-good evening, ladies and gentlemen and children, 89 00:04:36,930 --> 00:04:40,162 welcome to the Wig Wearer of the Year Awards. 90 00:04:42,532 --> 00:04:45,650 Fly free, my beauty, fly! 91 00:04:51,974 --> 00:04:53,693 Give it to me. 92 00:05:04,338 --> 00:05:08,093 Yeah, well, that wasn't nothing to do with me, that was Kes's fault. 93 00:05:08,139 --> 00:05:11,291 But, look, Vic, if you're at a loss for something to do tonight, 94 00:05:11,340 --> 00:05:13,251 why don't you wash your bedsheets for once, 95 00:05:13,300 --> 00:05:16,816 instead of just leaning them up against the wall every morning? 96 00:05:16,861 --> 00:05:19,501 How am I supposed to wash them? We haven't got a river nearby. 97 00:05:19,542 --> 00:05:21,658 A river? We don't live in Wales. 98 00:05:23,063 --> 00:05:25,099 How did you wash them last time? 99 00:05:25,143 --> 00:05:27,978 I just walked them through that car wash over there. 100 00:05:28,025 --> 00:05:32,178 But that car wash over there, yeah, that shut in 1982. 101 00:05:32,226 --> 00:05:34,217 Is that the last time you washed them? 102 00:05:34,266 --> 00:05:37,498 - Yeah, so I can't go there again, can I? - Oi, this way, come here, come here, you. 103 00:05:37,547 --> 00:05:38,536 All right, Bosh? 104 00:05:38,587 --> 00:05:41,466 No, never mind all that, you twat. I need you to do something for me. 105 00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:43,420 - Here, look after that. - All right. Bosh, 106 00:05:43,469 --> 00:05:45,903 Bosh, hold on a minute. First off, what is it? 107 00:05:45,949 --> 00:05:48,670 It's one of them sort of pump-me-up energy drinks, isn't it, you know? 108 00:05:48,711 --> 00:05:50,349 - Bosh, Bosh. - What? 109 00:05:50,391 --> 00:05:52,030 What, so it's just, like, for bodybuilders, that sort of thing? 110 00:05:52,072 --> 00:05:53,869 - Yes, bodybuilding juice, exactly right. - Bosh? 111 00:05:53,912 --> 00:05:56,586 - What? - Come here. Are you moving out today? 112 00:05:56,633 --> 00:05:58,225 No, I am not moving out, Bob. 113 00:05:58,273 --> 00:05:59,308 Why not? 114 00:05:59,353 --> 00:06:01,822 I'll tell you why not. 115 00:06:01,874 --> 00:06:03,991 Because I... 116 00:06:04,035 --> 00:06:06,390 have very rapidly... 117 00:06:06,435 --> 00:06:08,666 fallen madly... 118 00:06:08,716 --> 00:06:11,436 in love... with you. 119 00:06:15,838 --> 00:06:18,069 That's the first of many... 120 00:06:18,119 --> 00:06:19,347 you twat. 121 00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:24,352 Be careful with that. 122 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:25,880 All right, Vic? 123 00:06:25,921 --> 00:06:28,674 - Yeah, where you going, son? - I'm going to go to toilet. 124 00:06:28,721 --> 00:06:29,791 Enjoy yourself, kid. 125 00:06:29,842 --> 00:06:32,914 Hey, Vic, did you hear that? 126 00:06:32,962 --> 00:06:34,682 This is like bodybuilders' liquid, you know? 127 00:06:34,724 --> 00:06:36,476 - Yeah? - You know, I wouldn't mind 128 00:06:36,524 --> 00:06:38,720 being all buffed up for tonight's award show. 129 00:06:38,765 --> 00:06:40,756 - Me too. - Yeah, but you're not coming, are you? 130 00:06:42,166 --> 00:06:46,000 What part of your body are you most looking forward to getting buffed up? 131 00:06:46,046 --> 00:06:48,561 Er... I've got to say the top half because 132 00:06:48,607 --> 00:06:51,998 bottom half, I've got to be honest, is pretty buffed up already, to be honest. 133 00:06:52,048 --> 00:06:54,882 - Yeah? - Yeah. Here, check it out, go on. 134 00:06:54,929 --> 00:06:57,319 Whoa, that's good and thick that, isn't it? 135 00:06:57,370 --> 00:07:00,010 You can't actually get your hand round it, can you? 136 00:07:00,051 --> 00:07:02,167 It's rock hard as well. 137 00:07:02,211 --> 00:07:03,327 Yeah, it's quite short. 138 00:07:03,372 --> 00:07:05,647 Yeah, it's quite short but I think it should be good for football, that. 139 00:07:05,692 --> 00:07:08,412 Eugh, eugh! 140 00:07:08,453 --> 00:07:10,205 Eugh! 141 00:07:10,253 --> 00:07:13,564 Hey, Vic, I wonder if it's kicked in already yet. 142 00:07:13,614 --> 00:07:15,525 We need to lift something. Have you got anything heavy? 143 00:07:15,574 --> 00:07:17,850 I've got a Metallica album but it doesn't weigh much. 144 00:07:20,017 --> 00:07:22,167 - What was that? - It was a joke. 145 00:07:22,217 --> 00:07:24,334 Oh, right, it didn't land, though, yeah? 146 00:07:24,378 --> 00:07:28,212 Erm, we need to lift something that's really heavy. That lamp's heavy. 147 00:07:28,258 --> 00:07:30,568 We've never been able to lift that, have we? Go on, give it a go. 148 00:07:33,100 --> 00:07:35,819 Go on! 149 00:07:35,860 --> 00:07:38,853 - No, that... - It's a very heavy lamp, isn't it? 150 00:07:38,901 --> 00:07:40,175 It's too heavy, that, son. 151 00:07:40,221 --> 00:07:42,214 Yeah, what's happened to my toupee? 152 00:07:42,263 --> 00:07:43,981 Where's my toupee gone, Vic? 153 00:07:44,023 --> 00:07:45,901 Where's my... Where's my? 154 00:07:45,944 --> 00:07:47,343 Where's my toupee gone, Vic?! 155 00:07:47,384 --> 00:07:50,980 Bob, Bob, you know that old, arthritic rat thing that hangs around here sometimes? 156 00:07:51,025 --> 00:07:52,299 Yeah, well, what's that got to do with it? 157 00:07:52,345 --> 00:07:54,257 It's walking off with your wig down there. 158 00:07:54,306 --> 00:07:56,342 Well, catch it, Vic! 159 00:07:58,547 --> 00:08:01,698 - Well, grab it for me, Vic. - It's your wig, you get it. 160 00:08:01,747 --> 00:08:05,025 No, I'm scared of it, you know, I'm just a little boy, really. 161 00:08:05,069 --> 00:08:06,219 Will you just grab it for me? 162 00:08:06,270 --> 00:08:07,703 Keep your hair on. 163 00:08:09,670 --> 00:08:11,662 - Please, just grab it for us, Vic. - I'm going as fast as I can 164 00:08:11,711 --> 00:08:15,068 for someone who hasn't got a ticket for the Wig Wearer of the Year Awards. 165 00:08:15,112 --> 00:08:16,386 Oh, just grab it, Vic, please. 166 00:08:16,432 --> 00:08:19,470 It's so old it's developed a force field round it. 167 00:08:22,833 --> 00:08:24,472 Well, penetrate it, Vic. 168 00:08:24,514 --> 00:08:27,349 I'd feel a lot braver if I had a ticket for tonight. 169 00:08:27,396 --> 00:08:29,466 You're not going! Get it! 170 00:08:29,516 --> 00:08:32,270 Bob, Bob, no, it really has gone, it's gone underneath the cooker. 171 00:08:37,398 --> 00:08:40,038 Bob, you're all pumped up, harness the power. 172 00:08:40,079 --> 00:08:41,956 Get out of my way! 173 00:08:49,602 --> 00:08:52,241 The prophecy has been fulfilled. 174 00:08:53,283 --> 00:08:56,275 You cheeky monkey. 175 00:08:56,323 --> 00:08:58,315 You silly sausage. 176 00:08:58,364 --> 00:09:00,161 You silly-billy. 177 00:09:00,204 --> 00:09:02,435 You daft ha'p'orth. 178 00:09:02,485 --> 00:09:04,715 Oh, you idiot. 179 00:09:04,765 --> 00:09:06,802 - Oh, yes? - Yes. 180 00:09:06,846 --> 00:09:10,635 If I was an idiot, would I be able to do this? 181 00:09:25,811 --> 00:09:29,487 - Charity. - Sweet charity. 182 00:09:30,613 --> 00:09:32,092 Sentimental. 183 00:09:32,133 --> 00:09:34,648 Gay abandon. 184 00:09:47,057 --> 00:09:49,492 Oh! 185 00:09:49,538 --> 00:09:51,335 Oh! 186 00:09:51,378 --> 00:09:53,893 Oh! 187 00:09:55,819 --> 00:09:57,971 No! 188 00:09:58,021 --> 00:10:00,217 Why? 189 00:10:02,942 --> 00:10:04,695 Dance! 190 00:10:12,384 --> 00:10:14,979 Oh, no. No, it's worn off. 191 00:10:16,785 --> 00:10:20,382 Oh! There's goes my toupee. Get after it, before we lose the power! 192 00:10:20,427 --> 00:10:22,623 Yes, master! 193 00:10:24,548 --> 00:10:26,346 Oh... For goodness' sake. 194 00:10:33,871 --> 00:10:35,862 It's gone into Julie's flat. 195 00:10:35,911 --> 00:10:37,822 Oh, not Julie's. Here, get out the way. 196 00:10:40,152 --> 00:10:43,385 ♪ Here is my pan and you must understand 197 00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:46,232 ♪ I was told it was made of iron 198 00:10:47,555 --> 00:10:49,307 ♪ When I got home 199 00:10:49,355 --> 00:10:50,994 ♪ And heated my stove 200 00:10:51,036 --> 00:11:00,356 ♪ It melted cos it's made from plastic... ♪ 201 00:11:01,758 --> 00:11:04,479 What a fool I've been, with the purchase of this frying pan. 202 00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:08,355 I tell you this - if ever you need a frying pan, go to a regular store, 203 00:11:08,401 --> 00:11:10,869 and not Crusty Ken's Kitchen Shithouse. 204 00:11:13,842 --> 00:11:15,434 I like your boots, Beef. 205 00:11:15,482 --> 00:11:18,156 Yes, they're Canadian, made from a wolf's penis. 206 00:11:20,163 --> 00:11:21,483 Did you get them in Canada? 207 00:11:21,524 --> 00:11:22,877 No, I got them in Hartlepool. 208 00:11:24,805 --> 00:11:28,162 They are Canadian. Let me show you. If you twist the heel, 209 00:11:28,206 --> 00:11:32,246 inside there's a small bottle of maple syrup for pancakes, 210 00:11:32,287 --> 00:11:35,678 which was what I was trying to cook in Crusty Ken's Kitchen Shithouse frying pan. 211 00:11:35,728 --> 00:11:38,766 Transpires it's about as much use as a... 212 00:11:38,809 --> 00:11:41,039 Plastic frying pan! 213 00:11:41,089 --> 00:11:42,887 Was that a joke? 214 00:11:44,850 --> 00:11:46,443 What's that little saucepot doing? 215 00:11:49,773 --> 00:11:52,082 Beef, Beef... 216 00:11:52,133 --> 00:11:54,204 You know that little rat thing, that little rat beaver thing 217 00:11:54,254 --> 00:11:55,812 - that's round these parts? - Yes. 218 00:11:55,854 --> 00:11:58,688 Yeah, it's nicked me toupee and taken it into Julie's house, 219 00:11:58,735 --> 00:12:01,124 and without it I can't go to the award show. It's a disaster. 220 00:12:01,175 --> 00:12:03,531 - What, that little rat beaver thing? - Yeah. 221 00:12:03,576 --> 00:12:06,136 Well, hasn't that been in this building since our forefathers were here 222 00:12:06,176 --> 00:12:08,737 - in the 1970s? - Mm. 223 00:12:10,537 --> 00:12:12,973 Cor blimey! 224 00:12:13,019 --> 00:12:14,930 I hate being a bus conductor. 225 00:12:14,979 --> 00:12:19,259 Yeah, I know you do, Dickie. Hey, one of those coloured gentlemen's 226 00:12:19,301 --> 00:12:21,019 moved in next door. 227 00:12:21,061 --> 00:12:23,496 Cor! He ain't half tall. 228 00:12:23,542 --> 00:12:28,492 And fat! I don't know how he squeezes into that little Hillman Imp of his. 229 00:12:29,583 --> 00:12:31,096 Oh, hello, Harper. 230 00:12:31,143 --> 00:12:35,377 Cor blimey! I only just got an eyeful of that bit of crumpet next door, 231 00:12:35,425 --> 00:12:39,658 and she's only moved in with a coloured fellow. He ain't half tall. 232 00:12:39,706 --> 00:12:41,186 And fat! 233 00:12:41,227 --> 00:12:42,580 I should say. 234 00:12:42,627 --> 00:12:46,018 Here, Stan, that little rat weasel thing's making off, 235 00:12:46,068 --> 00:12:48,788 rather slowly, I might add, with your caramel wafer. 236 00:12:50,709 --> 00:12:54,225 Cor! That rat gerbil thing's been slowly stealing stuff 237 00:12:54,270 --> 00:12:58,231 since our fathers lived here in the 1950s! 238 00:12:58,272 --> 00:12:59,387 - Yeah. - Yes. 239 00:13:06,994 --> 00:13:10,067 Look here, darling, I'm sick and tired of working 240 00:13:10,115 --> 00:13:12,788 at the Foreign Office. Do you think you might possibly have a word 241 00:13:12,835 --> 00:13:15,873 with your father and see if you could secure me a position at the Treasury? 242 00:13:15,916 --> 00:13:18,910 I'll see what I can do. Now, listen, that coloured gentleman's 243 00:13:18,958 --> 00:13:22,394 still living next door, you know. He's very tall. 244 00:13:22,438 --> 00:13:24,031 And fat. 245 00:13:24,079 --> 00:13:26,958 I've simply no idea how he squeezes himself into 246 00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:30,356 that rather wonderful little Morris Oxford of his. 247 00:13:32,001 --> 00:13:33,320 Hello, darling. 248 00:13:33,361 --> 00:13:34,794 Now, listen here, you two. 249 00:13:34,841 --> 00:13:39,233 Transpires that fancy blouse from next door's moved in with a coloured chap, 250 00:13:39,282 --> 00:13:40,682 and he's a tall one. 251 00:13:40,723 --> 00:13:42,555 And fat. 252 00:13:42,604 --> 00:13:44,197 - Yes. - Now, look here, 253 00:13:44,245 --> 00:13:46,839 that little rat beaver thing there is making off 254 00:13:46,885 --> 00:13:49,923 in a rather casual manner, I might add, with my brisket. 255 00:13:49,966 --> 00:13:51,877 I was going to have that for my tea. 256 00:13:53,807 --> 00:13:57,323 Vic, would you go next door to Julie's and get it for me? 257 00:13:57,368 --> 00:13:58,642 Well, I'm not going. Why don't you go? 258 00:14:00,088 --> 00:14:02,000 Because I'm disgusting. 259 00:14:02,049 --> 00:14:03,961 Well, I'm not going. It's ten o'clock. 260 00:14:04,010 --> 00:14:06,684 She'll have had her first sherry and she's at her randiest then. 261 00:14:06,731 --> 00:14:08,687 - Beef, would you go? - I'm not going. 262 00:14:08,731 --> 00:14:11,292 - Why not? - I've no idea where next door is. 263 00:14:11,332 --> 00:14:12,651 I don't even know who you are. 264 00:14:12,692 --> 00:14:15,412 I'll go if you give us a ticket for tonight. 265 00:14:15,453 --> 00:14:19,845 Urgh! You get that wig back, you can have a ticket, Vic. 266 00:14:19,894 --> 00:14:21,088 Right, good. 267 00:14:21,134 --> 00:14:23,205 Well, I'm having some of this first. 268 00:14:23,255 --> 00:14:24,688 You know, it's not a bad idea. 269 00:14:24,735 --> 00:14:25,725 Oh, go easy. 270 00:14:25,776 --> 00:14:28,735 Ooh! Ulrika. 271 00:14:28,777 --> 00:14:31,167 - Good luck! - Thanks. 272 00:14:31,218 --> 00:14:32,492 Pancakes? 273 00:14:37,459 --> 00:14:39,178 Beef, how the hell did you do that? 274 00:14:39,220 --> 00:14:42,850 You have to believe in yourself, Bob. Do you believe in yourself? 275 00:14:42,901 --> 00:14:45,699 - Yes, I believe. - Well, then, you will be fine. 276 00:14:45,741 --> 00:14:46,776 OK. 277 00:14:50,983 --> 00:14:53,339 - What a fool! - Argh! 278 00:14:53,384 --> 00:14:55,421 Jesus! 279 00:15:00,466 --> 00:15:03,743 Oh, hello, tiny little bear thing. 280 00:15:03,787 --> 00:15:05,379 Long time, no see! 281 00:15:05,427 --> 00:15:07,896 You've been around here for a long while, 282 00:15:07,948 --> 00:15:10,416 since my mother lived here in the '70s. 283 00:15:12,550 --> 00:15:14,506 Cor blimey! 284 00:15:16,791 --> 00:15:20,022 I'll take a couple of those and a cup of tea! 285 00:15:20,071 --> 00:15:23,906 Oh, I say! Ain't you a lively one and no mistake? 286 00:15:23,952 --> 00:15:26,945 Why don't you come in for a bit of how's-your-father? 287 00:15:28,633 --> 00:15:30,113 Me husband's away. 288 00:15:30,154 --> 00:15:31,792 Who? The coloured fella? 289 00:15:31,834 --> 00:15:35,272 - Yeah. Tall, ain't he? - And fat! 290 00:15:35,316 --> 00:15:36,590 Oh! 291 00:15:37,997 --> 00:15:39,271 Oh! 292 00:15:42,038 --> 00:15:45,633 Oi! Where you going with my Imperial Leather? 293 00:15:49,879 --> 00:15:50,949 Uh... Whoo! 294 00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:52,797 Julie, I was wondering, can I just 295 00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:55,959 quickly grab that little beaver thing between your legs? 296 00:15:56,002 --> 00:15:58,118 Abso-bloody-lutely. 297 00:15:58,162 --> 00:16:00,154 Be my guest. Martin, do one. 298 00:16:00,203 --> 00:16:01,636 No, that's not what I meant. 299 00:16:01,683 --> 00:16:03,914 I meant, can I grab that little, scruffy rat thing? 300 00:16:03,964 --> 00:16:05,920 Call it whatever you like. 301 00:16:05,964 --> 00:16:08,638 No, look, that rat bear thing, it's run off with Bob's wig. 302 00:16:08,685 --> 00:16:10,403 Where's it gone? Where's it gone? Where is it? 303 00:16:10,445 --> 00:16:12,437 He needs it for the wig wearer awards. Where's it gone? 304 00:16:12,486 --> 00:16:14,363 Where's it gone? 305 00:16:14,406 --> 00:16:18,036 Vic, Vic, Vic, calm down. You're acting like an eight-year-old, OK? 306 00:16:18,087 --> 00:16:20,842 When I was eight, I was an ice road trucker. 307 00:16:20,889 --> 00:16:23,084 Oh, Vic, let's just get married. 308 00:16:23,129 --> 00:16:24,688 No, thank you very much. 309 00:16:24,730 --> 00:16:27,563 I will have to wear black, though. I killed my last husband. 310 00:16:31,371 --> 00:16:32,771 Ooh! 311 00:16:32,812 --> 00:16:34,803 Come on, Vic. Come on, Vic. You can do it. 312 00:16:34,852 --> 00:16:37,162 Never mind that. What the hell is this brew? 313 00:16:37,213 --> 00:16:41,288 Oh, that's Bosh's pump-me-up energy drink, Beef. Drives you mental, 314 00:16:41,335 --> 00:16:44,407 I wouldn't have any. Luckily I don't need it, because I'm pretty trim, 315 00:16:44,455 --> 00:16:48,051 especially down below. You can try it out if you want. Give it a feel. 316 00:16:48,096 --> 00:16:49,132 Oh, yes. 317 00:16:50,457 --> 00:16:52,573 - Oh, that is quite firm. - Thank you. 318 00:16:54,098 --> 00:16:56,248 I'd be very, very proud of that. 319 00:16:56,298 --> 00:16:58,130 Yes, I am, thanks very much. 320 00:16:58,179 --> 00:17:01,376 Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt this beautiful moment, 321 00:17:01,419 --> 00:17:04,493 but I didn't know I was in Brokeback Mountain. 322 00:17:06,462 --> 00:17:09,693 Well, at least now I know why they call you Beef. 323 00:17:09,742 --> 00:17:11,893 Wey-hey! Ha... 324 00:17:11,943 --> 00:17:13,661 Ha. Ha, ha, ha! 325 00:17:13,703 --> 00:17:16,935 Ha, ha, ha... 326 00:17:16,984 --> 00:17:20,261 Smashing, lovely, gorgeous. 327 00:17:21,745 --> 00:17:24,260 Vic! Hello! 328 00:17:24,306 --> 00:17:25,820 Where's the rat? 329 00:17:25,867 --> 00:17:27,460 There! It's gone there! 330 00:17:27,508 --> 00:17:29,976 You daft bastard! 331 00:17:32,149 --> 00:17:35,027 Oh, I hope Vic gets that wig for the awards show. 332 00:17:35,069 --> 00:17:36,344 Awards, you say? 333 00:17:36,390 --> 00:17:39,063 I won some awards for some films I made in Africa. 334 00:17:39,110 --> 00:17:41,341 Oh, yeah? What sort of films were they? 335 00:17:41,391 --> 00:17:43,382 Well, they were action, action and thrills, 336 00:17:43,431 --> 00:17:46,424 all made under the blistering African sun. 337 00:17:46,472 --> 00:17:47,700 Hey, would I know any of them? 338 00:17:47,752 --> 00:17:52,191 Yes, I think you would. But would you? I mean, I don't know. Maybe. 339 00:17:52,234 --> 00:17:55,307 I'm not your biographer. How the hell should I know? 340 00:17:55,355 --> 00:17:56,789 All right, what were they called? 341 00:17:56,836 --> 00:17:59,555 Well, there was Casabonka. 342 00:18:00,957 --> 00:18:05,509 Morocco Cocko, where I played Colonel Hippobottomus. 343 00:18:06,878 --> 00:18:09,791 Hold on a minute, did you just say you were in Casablanca 344 00:18:09,839 --> 00:18:11,034 with Humphrey Bogart? 345 00:18:11,080 --> 00:18:17,031 No, I said Casabonka with Humphrey Blowhard and Lauren Back-scuttle. 346 00:18:18,322 --> 00:18:20,836 - Maple syrup? - Yes, please! 347 00:18:20,882 --> 00:18:23,795 - Not my minge vase! - Afraid so! 348 00:18:25,443 --> 00:18:27,719 Argh! 349 00:18:27,764 --> 00:18:29,038 Friends! Friends. 350 00:18:29,084 --> 00:18:30,962 Young Christopher and Benji, 351 00:18:31,005 --> 00:18:35,364 friends for ever until Benji died! 352 00:18:35,407 --> 00:18:37,602 There we are. 353 00:18:40,088 --> 00:18:43,445 Oh, my God! It's horrible! 354 00:18:43,489 --> 00:18:45,719 I know I am, but what are you? 355 00:18:47,570 --> 00:18:49,959 Yeah, that's enough, thanks, Beef. 356 00:18:50,010 --> 00:18:51,524 That's enough, thanks, Beef. 357 00:18:51,571 --> 00:18:55,007 - Beef, that's enough! - Yeah, I don't know how to stop it. 358 00:18:55,051 --> 00:18:57,169 Help me! Help me! 359 00:18:57,213 --> 00:18:59,408 It lives again, I can see it! 360 00:18:59,453 --> 00:19:02,332 It can only be destroyed with fire. 361 00:19:03,374 --> 00:19:04,808 Friends. 362 00:19:04,855 --> 00:19:06,334 Sea monster! 363 00:19:06,375 --> 00:19:08,446 - Friends! - Ridge dweller. 364 00:19:08,496 --> 00:19:09,815 Friends. 365 00:19:09,856 --> 00:19:11,005 Prof Lightbulb. 366 00:19:11,056 --> 00:19:14,413 Home! 367 00:19:14,457 --> 00:19:15,685 Don't harm us. 368 00:19:15,737 --> 00:19:18,856 These are not the droids that you're looking for. 369 00:19:18,899 --> 00:19:22,893 - Oh, come on, let's just get the prat. - Oh, what fun! 370 00:19:33,062 --> 00:19:34,781 Right. 371 00:19:34,823 --> 00:19:38,817 Let's find out who you really are, Prof Lightbulb, 372 00:19:38,864 --> 00:19:41,140 or should I say... 373 00:19:42,226 --> 00:19:43,341 ...Vic?! 374 00:19:43,386 --> 00:19:46,538 So, Vic was Prof Lightbulb the whole time? 375 00:19:46,587 --> 00:19:50,262 Yes, and I would have got away with it if it wasn't for that caretaker. 376 00:19:50,307 --> 00:19:52,583 Oh, Vic, is it really you? 377 00:19:53,628 --> 00:19:55,221 Oh, yes, it's him all right! 378 00:19:55,269 --> 00:19:58,466 Right, I need to find that toupee and that rat thing. 379 00:19:58,509 --> 00:20:01,422 Everyone into the kitchen... please. 380 00:20:04,952 --> 00:20:09,026 Right, what do we know about this awful, slow, thieving rat thing? 381 00:20:09,073 --> 00:20:13,113 I need to know its whereabouts, I need to know its acquaintances, 382 00:20:13,154 --> 00:20:16,465 I even want to know how, when and why it shits. 383 00:20:16,515 --> 00:20:18,107 Come on. Vic? 384 00:20:18,155 --> 00:20:20,716 Sir, erm, it's got your wig. 385 00:20:20,756 --> 00:20:22,075 Yeah, that's a good one. Julie? 386 00:20:22,116 --> 00:20:24,677 Could it be a tiny camel? 387 00:20:24,717 --> 00:20:27,869 We'll put that on the back burner, Julie. 388 00:20:27,918 --> 00:20:29,034 Vic? 389 00:20:29,079 --> 00:20:31,388 Sir, criminals often return to the scene of the crime. 390 00:20:31,439 --> 00:20:33,317 Have you checked to see if it's on your head? 391 00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:36,238 I like the way you're thinkin'! No, not there. 392 00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:38,192 Sir, have you cordoned off the area? 393 00:20:38,241 --> 00:20:41,439 Yeah, have you combedthe area for clues? 394 00:20:41,482 --> 00:20:42,995 Oh, I see. 395 00:20:43,042 --> 00:20:45,432 All right, Erik? Always a pleasure. What do you want? 396 00:20:45,483 --> 00:20:48,282 Just came down to get my curly cheese puffs. 397 00:20:48,324 --> 00:20:50,236 You did get them for me? 398 00:20:50,285 --> 00:20:51,604 No, he got straight ones. 399 00:20:51,645 --> 00:20:55,161 Nobody eats straight ones these days, do they? 400 00:20:55,206 --> 00:20:56,764 Father, you know your problem? 401 00:20:56,806 --> 00:20:57,682 What? 402 00:20:57,726 --> 00:21:00,878 You're the type of scum who goes to buy a Curly Wurly 403 00:21:00,927 --> 00:21:02,759 and comes back with a Straight Wurly. 404 00:21:02,808 --> 00:21:04,958 Wey-hey! 405 00:21:08,009 --> 00:21:10,000 - You're a tough cop, Vic. - Yeah, thanks. 406 00:21:10,049 --> 00:21:11,643 You're going to crack this case, aren't you? 407 00:21:11,691 --> 00:21:14,410 - Wide open. - I've got a good feeling about you. 408 00:21:14,451 --> 00:21:16,886 All right, all right, all right, all right, all right. 409 00:21:16,932 --> 00:21:18,160 Come on, you've had your fun. 410 00:21:18,212 --> 00:21:20,090 Beef, hit me with something. 411 00:21:21,453 --> 00:21:23,410 When I was in Morocco, 412 00:21:23,454 --> 00:21:25,570 I employed a house boy 413 00:21:25,614 --> 00:21:28,413 that used to catch rats in his arse cheeks. 414 00:21:29,975 --> 00:21:31,694 Thank you for that, Beef. 415 00:21:31,736 --> 00:21:35,696 Come on, Vic. What do rats like this actually do with their time? 416 00:21:35,737 --> 00:21:38,935 I'm sorry, sir. I just don't know. I feel like I've let you down. 417 00:21:38,978 --> 00:21:41,288 I'm just going to go and have some All-Bran. 418 00:21:41,339 --> 00:21:43,011 No, hang on, I've got to interrupt there. 419 00:21:43,059 --> 00:21:46,973 Shit, no. When I said, '"Catch rats in his arse cheeks,'" 420 00:21:47,020 --> 00:21:49,740 I meant, '"Crack walnuts.'" 421 00:22:01,945 --> 00:22:04,300 Thank you for clearing that up, Beef. 422 00:22:04,345 --> 00:22:06,940 Bosh, you've been very quiet. 423 00:22:06,986 --> 00:22:09,820 What are you talking about, man? I haven't shut up for the last half hour. 424 00:22:09,867 --> 00:22:12,984 - You haven't said a word. - Yeah, I know, you twat. 425 00:22:13,027 --> 00:22:14,143 So, come on? The rat. 426 00:22:14,188 --> 00:22:16,304 That rat has been here nicking stuff 427 00:22:16,348 --> 00:22:18,625 since my dad moved into this place in the 1970s. 428 00:22:18,670 --> 00:22:21,628 Here, Stan! 429 00:22:21,670 --> 00:22:24,981 There's a new clippie started working down at the depot. 430 00:22:25,031 --> 00:22:27,068 Cor, what a dolly bird! 431 00:22:27,112 --> 00:22:30,548 I wouldn't mind taking her up the Balls Pond Road. 432 00:22:30,592 --> 00:22:34,791 I know! I seen her dumplings in the canteen this mornin'. 433 00:22:34,834 --> 00:22:37,473 Hey, you should set a booby trap for her. 434 00:22:37,514 --> 00:22:39,471 Get out of it, you pilchard! 435 00:22:41,116 --> 00:22:43,915 I'm free! 436 00:22:43,957 --> 00:22:47,393 So, six months banged up for playing Dutch hopscotch 437 00:22:47,437 --> 00:22:49,429 with a one-eyed sailor from Swansea. 438 00:22:49,478 --> 00:22:52,551 Well, nobody told me the rules! 439 00:22:52,599 --> 00:22:54,635 Ooh! 440 00:22:54,679 --> 00:22:56,910 Is there something wrong with you? 441 00:22:56,960 --> 00:23:00,431 Yes, I've caught a dose of something foreign from a Turkish pipe-fitter. 442 00:23:00,481 --> 00:23:01,755 Ha-ha! You can't trust them. 443 00:23:01,801 --> 00:23:05,876 'Ere, there's that rat thing again. It's got hold of your maracas. 444 00:23:05,923 --> 00:23:08,563 Ooh! 445 00:23:08,604 --> 00:23:11,721 But, Bosh, how do we find the rat? 446 00:23:11,764 --> 00:23:14,598 Bosh takes moment to think. 447 00:23:16,085 --> 00:23:17,804 I've got it! 448 00:23:17,846 --> 00:23:20,201 You need to find the rat. 449 00:23:20,246 --> 00:23:24,445 Oh, this is useless. He keeps going on about some Moroccan boy 450 00:23:24,487 --> 00:23:26,957 that cracks walnuts in his arse cheeks, 451 00:23:27,009 --> 00:23:28,806 she thinks it's a tiny camel, 452 00:23:28,849 --> 00:23:31,045 you've got nowt on your mind but All-Bran. 453 00:23:31,090 --> 00:23:33,729 It's useless. How are we going to find this rat? 454 00:23:33,770 --> 00:23:37,446 And I bet... I bet one of you has had a cack in one of these cupboards. 455 00:23:38,612 --> 00:23:41,604 All of you, all of you. Come on, what are we going to do? 456 00:23:41,652 --> 00:23:43,006 Sir, sir! 457 00:23:43,053 --> 00:23:46,443 When I was under the influence of the pump-up juice, 458 00:23:46,493 --> 00:23:49,885 I saw the rat via the gift of thermal imagery. 459 00:23:49,935 --> 00:23:52,734 What, do you mean you could see its underpants? 460 00:23:52,776 --> 00:23:54,653 No, I could see it, 461 00:23:54,696 --> 00:23:57,734 but just as a moving portion of hot meat. 462 00:23:57,777 --> 00:24:00,975 Do you know what? I think Vic's cracked it. 463 00:24:01,018 --> 00:24:02,497 So, do I get the ticket, sir? 464 00:24:02,538 --> 00:24:04,848 Yeah, I get the wig, you get a ticket. 465 00:24:04,899 --> 00:24:06,730 All we need to do... 466 00:24:07,780 --> 00:24:11,456 ...is get under the influence of the pump-me-up juice, yeah? 467 00:24:11,501 --> 00:24:15,734 And then we can use the gift of thermal imagery to locate the rat. 468 00:24:15,782 --> 00:24:18,616 That's right. Get some of that down you. Let's go and find a stinking rat. 469 00:24:18,663 --> 00:24:20,221 Yeah! 470 00:24:24,264 --> 00:24:26,096 That silly sod! 471 00:24:26,145 --> 00:24:29,456 Argh! What a nitwit! 472 00:24:29,506 --> 00:24:31,303 Africa. 473 00:24:31,346 --> 00:24:32,665 Oh, Saucy Jack! 474 00:24:32,706 --> 00:24:34,300 The little twerp! 475 00:24:34,348 --> 00:24:37,785 There it is. Get him! 476 00:25:03,516 --> 00:25:05,393 There it is! Get it! 477 00:25:07,477 --> 00:25:10,071 Where is it? 478 00:25:11,158 --> 00:25:14,309 Hold on, stop! My wig! Stop it! Get up! 479 00:25:14,358 --> 00:25:16,475 My wig, it's ruined! 480 00:25:16,519 --> 00:25:18,476 Look at it, it's ruined. 481 00:25:21,201 --> 00:25:23,511 Oh... 482 00:25:25,202 --> 00:25:27,876 Thank you. 483 00:25:30,003 --> 00:25:32,359 Beef? 484 00:25:40,687 --> 00:25:43,679 Well, that's it, then. No wig awards for me. 485 00:25:43,727 --> 00:25:45,320 I haven't got a toupee. It's ruined. 486 00:25:45,368 --> 00:25:46,926 Oh, it's OK, Bob. 487 00:25:46,968 --> 00:25:48,846 Come on, I can mend it. 488 00:25:48,889 --> 00:25:53,441 Did I tell you I did all of the hair and make-up for the Vietnam War? 489 00:25:53,490 --> 00:25:56,641 Yes, both sides. I wasn't particular. 490 00:25:56,690 --> 00:25:59,159 '"More rouge, Khmer Rouge? '" I used to say, 491 00:25:59,211 --> 00:26:02,204 and laughter would echo through the tunnels. 492 00:26:02,252 --> 00:26:04,608 Shut up, just get out. Go on. All of you, get out. 493 00:26:04,653 --> 00:26:07,691 Once again, all me dreams are shattered. Go on, out you go. 494 00:26:07,734 --> 00:26:11,410 - There's another bit. - I don't want it. Get out. 495 00:26:11,455 --> 00:26:12,570 Go on! 496 00:26:12,615 --> 00:26:14,014 Out! 497 00:26:17,976 --> 00:26:20,252 Right, well... 498 00:26:20,297 --> 00:26:24,416 that's no fancy awards ceremony for me, then. 499 00:26:29,980 --> 00:26:34,020 I wonder who'll win, now I'm not going. 500 00:26:34,061 --> 00:26:36,053 Rod Stewart, I suppose. 501 00:26:38,982 --> 00:26:40,575 Maybe Zoë Ball. 502 00:26:41,663 --> 00:26:45,339 God, she doesn't half look like her dad when she takes her wig off. 503 00:26:46,624 --> 00:26:48,503 Still, it's not going to be me. 504 00:26:48,546 --> 00:26:51,344 Bob! Don't do it! 505 00:26:51,386 --> 00:26:53,582 - I think we've got a solution. - Really? 506 00:26:53,627 --> 00:26:55,106 Mm. 507 00:27:03,669 --> 00:27:05,706 And the nominations are... 508 00:27:05,750 --> 00:27:06,819 Ron Caramel... 509 00:27:08,190 --> 00:27:09,590 ... Nick Nolte... 510 00:27:11,312 --> 00:27:12,984 ... Andrew Castle... 511 00:27:14,713 --> 00:27:16,066 ... Bob Mortimer. 512 00:27:17,193 --> 00:27:19,628 And it gives me great pleasure to announce that 513 00:27:19,674 --> 00:27:21,346 the Wig Wearer of the Year Award goes to... 514 00:27:27,996 --> 00:27:29,270 ...Mr Bob Mortimer! 515 00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:44,754 God. 516 00:27:52,363 --> 00:27:54,797 ♪ Oh, didn't we have a lovely day 517 00:27:54,843 --> 00:27:57,313 ♪ The day I lost me toupee? 518 00:27:57,365 --> 00:28:00,085 - ♪ Let's fill our cups - ♪ With this pump-up stuff 519 00:28:00,126 --> 00:28:04,040 ♪ And dance around this Michael Bublé... ♪ 520 00:28:04,087 --> 00:28:06,999 Ha! Let's do this! Ho-ho! 521 00:28:19,851 --> 00:28:22,605 Thank you! 522 00:28:25,973 --> 00:28:28,692 Thank you!