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Welcome back to Home Shop -O -Rama. Our
next item is the amazing miracle chain.

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It's a necklace.

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Wait. It's a bracelet.

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It's a miracle.

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Look how quickly you can change it from
a bracelet to a necklace.

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Ew.

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Dippy.

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Our next item is the amazing miracle
wig.

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It's a wig. It's a duster.

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It's a miracle.

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I thought that no real gold doesn't
smell like yogurt.

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Ah, look.

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The amazing miracle stain.

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Shut up.

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Then why are you here? You're supposed
to be taking my niece for coffee. I

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but it's Claire's first visit and she
really wanted to watch you act.

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This isn't acting.

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It's photosynthesis.

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That lady with the green neck. She's my
aunt.

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We never knew each other until last
month when she found out that she had a

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-lost brother that her mother gave up
for adoption who turned out to be my

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father who died two years ago.

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Okay, remember on Dynasty when Adam
just, like, showed up?

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Yeah, it's kind of like that.

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Look at Claire. She's so excited to be
here.

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And Sybil, those guys over there, they
don't believe I'm related to a real

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Hollywood star. Could you stand next to
me and wave at them?

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Act like you know me.

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It's the amazing Miracle D.

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Loving one who loves you and them taking
that vow.

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Nice work if you can get it. And if you
get it.

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That's my daughter, Rachel, with Grumpy.

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Rachel's the one on the left.

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It's so weird looking at all of these
strangers and then realizing, oh, my

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we're related to each other.

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I feel the same way whenever I go back
home to Buffalo.

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Who's this?

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That's Rachel's dad, my first husband,
Jeff.

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We were married very young.

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He was a stuntman. I was a struggling
actress. We practically lived on

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Helper. Then a few years later, I found
out he was practically living on a lap

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dancer named Destiny.

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What happened to his head?

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He lost it in the divorce.

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Oh, you remind me so much of my dad.

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You have the same laugh and the same
mannerisms.

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Did your father also have webbed toes?

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I told you that in confidence.

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Besides, it's only between the little
piggy who had roast beef and the little

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piggy who had none.

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Come on, I want to see more pictures of
my brother. Okay.

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Um, this one's my favorite.

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Oh, he has my mother's smile.

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Of course, she never would smile for a
camera.

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Why not?

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She always said, a real lady doesn't
give that away.

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Of course, if you don't give any away,
chances are you ain't gonna get any.

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No wonder she never smiled.

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I'm hungry. Is anybody else hungry? I
am.

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But then again, I can just about always
eat.

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Well, we can cancel the DNA test.

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Should I get that?

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Of course I should.

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You must be Claire. I'm Ira. I know.

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You're the other ex -husband.

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The one with the head.

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I see my reputation precedes me.

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I know all about you.

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You are a writer. You love basketball.
You're a little neurotic, and you hate

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when your vegetables touch your meat.

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I'm not neurotic.

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And who wants the edge of their steak
tasting like squash?

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And yet, he'll mix stripes and plaid
like there's no tomorrow.

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Don't start.

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I've had a rough day.

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Zoe called me from work an hour ago. Her
car broke down again.

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So I drove down to the Busy Bee Burger,
popped open the hood, fiddled with a few

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wires, started a small fire and called
AAA.

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I used to work at a Busy Bee Burger.

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Yeah, first time I ever had sex was at a
Busy Bee Burger.

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That was too much too soon, wasn't it?

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Well, Zoe was just playing piano at
their grand opening.

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So I guess she's not quite as busy a bee
as you were.

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Where is Zoe?

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It takes her a while to get out of the
car.

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Zoe?

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Oh, my God.

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There is no God.

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My cousin is the Busy Bee Burger Bee.

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Here.

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Claire, squeeze in a little.

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Zoe, straighten up your thorax.

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This will be sure to make it into the
Bakersfield Courier.

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No!

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Man, I hope she doesn't hit a
windshield.

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Claire, you like salsa?

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Are you kidding? I put it on my pancake.

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If you didn't step back, you could lose
a finger.

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Hi. Sib, look at this.

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You and me in Hawaii.

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Yeah.

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Remember, we were learning how to surf,
and we thought we were doing so great

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because everybody kept yelling, Mele
Kamulikai!

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That's so cute. What does it mean? Grab
your camera. The tall blonde lost her

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top.

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You know, I still get postcards from
that lifeguard.

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So, Sib, got any plans tonight?

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Oh, yeah. We're going to take Claire
out. to some tragically hip L .A.

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nightclub. You know, one of those places
with no address, no sign, filled with

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young actors who refuse to bathe.

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Fortunately, I have a very large tub.

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Ira, you want to come with us? No,
thanks.

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Last time I went to one of those places,
Charlie Sheen tried to buy my date.

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Nice meeting you, Claire.

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You too.

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Wow, you guys seem to get along really
well.

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Yeah, now, once we got past that silly
till -death -do -its -part crap.

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Yeah, Sybil, you're the greatest. You
know, so many people just never get past

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the divorce. They just stay bitter and
twisted for the rest of their lives.

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You know what I mean?

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I believe one should definitely stay
close to one's ex.

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That way one is sure to get off a clean
shot.

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That is so true.

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Do you remember the time you stood a
little bit too far away and you

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accidentally blew up that Pinto?

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Of course, the main thing to remember,
Claire,

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is that any relationship with your ex is
going to take work.

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Like every year, Ira takes me out on my
birthday.

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And I do the same for him on his
birthday, which is the 23rd of this

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which is...

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Today!

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I never forget Dr.

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Dick's birthday.

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Well, that's only because you get yearly
reminder cards from Dwayne's Discount

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Ammo.

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00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:10,220
Ira, it's not all my fault. You could
have reminded me it was your birthday.

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Well, I feel terrible. At least let me
take you out to dinner.

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You can sit there and sulk, and I can
silently resent you.

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It'll be like the last three months of
our marriage.

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Fine. Happy birthday.

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He says he's invited a bunch of his
friends over to hang out, like his

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birthday's all about him.

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Selfish bastard.

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Yeah, well, I don't believe him.

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I just think he's too proud to admit
he's home alone moping.

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Well, I'm not going to feel guilty.

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I'm going to send him some pizzas, some
Cuban cigars, an ice cream cake, and

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some champagne, and I'm washing my hands
of the whole damn thing.

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Rossi's okay, but if you really want to
be ultra -hip, we should go to the Viper

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Room. The Viper Room?

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00:08:55,180 --> 00:08:57,000
Well, we don't have anything like that
in Bakersfield.

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Well, now, wait. We do have that one
church where they pass around snakes and

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speak in tongues.

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You're not kidding, are you?

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Zoe! Zoe, Zoe!

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We screwed up.

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00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:14,640
We forgot your father's birthday.

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I didn't forget it. You didn't?

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And why not?

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Because he's my father and I love him.

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Did you ever stop to think about how
this would make me look?

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00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:28,620
Well, I just gave him a sweater.

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Oh, and I played a song I wrote for him
at the BBB opening. And I had the fry

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cook sing My Way to him.

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You know, someday you're going to have a
daughter who forgets to remind you of

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your ex -husband's birthday, then see
how you feel.

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00:09:42,530 --> 00:09:44,270
Now, how am I going to make this up to
him?

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00:09:44,690 --> 00:09:49,370
Hey, we could always mix together a
thermos of wine spritzers and take him

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00:09:49,370 --> 00:09:50,370
play goofy golf.

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00:09:55,650 --> 00:09:59,850
Or we could hold a pillow over my face
until I stop struggling.

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00:10:06,090 --> 00:10:08,770
Claire, that's just Marianne's way of
saying, good idea, but let's kick it

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00:10:08,770 --> 00:10:09,770
around a little.

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00:10:10,730 --> 00:10:12,910
Okay, we need to think of something Dad
would really like.

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00:10:13,230 --> 00:10:14,230
I know.

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00:10:14,390 --> 00:10:17,870
We could go to an early dinner and then
head for George Ed's Clingers for herbal

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00:10:17,870 --> 00:10:18,870
wraps and facial.

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00:10:20,370 --> 00:10:21,370
Oh, yeah.

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00:10:21,970 --> 00:10:24,110
Nothing says Ira like a good
exfoliation.

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00:10:26,630 --> 00:10:30,670
Are we still on Ira? Good God, how long
does his birthday last?

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00:10:33,070 --> 00:10:35,510
Mom, when you turned 40, you made that
stripper work two days.

181
00:10:38,610 --> 00:10:40,090
Hey, we could take Ira bowling.

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00:10:41,330 --> 00:10:42,330
Help me.

183
00:10:43,850 --> 00:10:45,210
But Dad does like sports.

184
00:10:46,130 --> 00:10:48,770
Hey, let's kidnap him and take him to a
Lakers game.

185
00:10:48,970 --> 00:10:51,510
What? Well, we can't let him just sit
home alone on his birthday.

186
00:10:51,870 --> 00:10:54,810
Yeah, but why do we have to kidnap him?
Because otherwise he might just come

187
00:10:54,810 --> 00:10:55,810
along willy -nilly.

188
00:10:57,210 --> 00:10:58,210
Where's the fun in that?

189
00:11:08,620 --> 00:11:09,800
Flashlight? Check.

190
00:11:10,660 --> 00:11:11,659
Duct tape?

191
00:11:11,660 --> 00:11:12,660
Check.

192
00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:15,040
Blindfold? Check.

193
00:11:15,660 --> 00:11:17,220
Do we have to blindfold him?

194
00:11:17,740 --> 00:11:20,780
Zoe, just because he's your father
doesn't mean I can relax my standards.

195
00:11:22,460 --> 00:11:25,260
I love this outfit. I feel just like
Batgirl.

196
00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:27,760
Listen.

197
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:36,600
If you get arrested, you're a mute from
Portugal.

198
00:11:38,110 --> 00:11:39,110
Oh, it's the mute from Portugal.

199
00:11:39,910 --> 00:11:41,190
No, what's this?

200
00:11:42,270 --> 00:11:44,050
Oh, flamethrower. My own design.

201
00:11:44,410 --> 00:11:45,410
You never saw it.

202
00:11:45,650 --> 00:11:49,710
All right. Here. If it'll make you feel
better, you can play with this sock full

203
00:11:49,710 --> 00:11:50,710
of nickels.

204
00:11:51,590 --> 00:11:52,590
Cool.

205
00:11:53,610 --> 00:11:57,050
I still couldn't find a picture of my
mama smiling, but I did find a great

206
00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:58,630
picture of your Aunt Daisy at the state
fair.

207
00:12:00,630 --> 00:12:02,890
What is she... That's a can of peaches.

208
00:12:03,510 --> 00:12:05,530
That woman can open anything with her
teeth.

209
00:12:10,980 --> 00:12:12,560
Okay, let's review our plan of attack.

210
00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:17,140
Zoe? I am through the porch light
plunging the strike zone into darkness.

211
00:12:17,580 --> 00:12:22,700
Okay. I ring the doorbell. When Ira
opens the door, I dag him with his own

212
00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:27,660
Claire? I spring out of the azaleas with
a bag and throw it over his head.

213
00:12:29,100 --> 00:12:32,420
No! Oh, come on. Let her do it. She's
company.

214
00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:36,100
No, I mean, Claire, come look at this.

215
00:12:38,220 --> 00:12:41,280
Pin up the picture of me on a movie set
in Bakersfield, and look who I'm with.

216
00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:42,880
My father?

217
00:12:43,180 --> 00:12:44,180
My brother.

218
00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:48,680
Well, it's not that big of a
coincidence. I mean, our family diner

219
00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:49,700
all the movies that came there.

220
00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:53,080
Yeah, but I don't even remember taking
this picture, which is really strange,

221
00:12:53,220 --> 00:12:55,680
because, after all, he is serving food.

222
00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:19,920
giving you the thumbs up.

223
00:13:24,660 --> 00:13:27,960
I can't believe that I can't remember
when this picture was taken.

224
00:13:28,300 --> 00:13:29,560
Do you remember the movie?

225
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:31,800
Oh, yeah. It was pretty good, actually.

226
00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:35,260
I played an East Coast heiress who was
married to Larry Storch.

227
00:13:36,460 --> 00:13:38,800
And Ruth Budde was an Amit Hathor.

228
00:13:39,680 --> 00:13:42,340
And Gary Coleman... Wait a minute.

229
00:13:42,820 --> 00:13:43,940
That movie was crap.

230
00:13:44,860 --> 00:13:47,060
I thought the musical numbers were good.

231
00:13:49,130 --> 00:13:53,390
What are the odds? I mean, I was
standing face to face with my real

232
00:13:53,390 --> 00:13:54,570
I had no idea it was him.

233
00:13:54,810 --> 00:13:56,870
I mean, it's like some kind of a Greek
tragedy.

234
00:13:57,410 --> 00:14:00,710
Yeah, except nobody blinds themselves or
eats their children, and it's set in

235
00:14:00,710 --> 00:14:01,710
Bakersfield.

236
00:14:02,330 --> 00:14:05,710
Trust me, if the Greeks had known about
Bakersfield, they'd have set all their

237
00:14:05,710 --> 00:14:06,710
tragedies there.

238
00:14:08,130 --> 00:14:09,450
I'll tell you it's a tragedy.

239
00:14:09,850 --> 00:14:13,110
And I can't remember my own brother, but
I do remember Ruth Buzzy churning

240
00:14:13,110 --> 00:14:14,110
butter.

241
00:14:15,390 --> 00:14:17,150
Okay, you're here.

242
00:14:18,510 --> 00:14:19,510
This is so much fun.

243
00:14:19,750 --> 00:14:22,890
Do you guys do stuff like this all the
time? They do. I prefer looting.

244
00:14:24,450 --> 00:14:26,530
Zoe, don't tell her that. She'll think
I'm a terrible mother.

245
00:14:27,430 --> 00:14:29,030
Now, make sure you have your stun gun,
honey.

246
00:14:30,470 --> 00:14:35,010
Now, before we go in, I just want to say
that this is the finest bunch of

247
00:14:35,010 --> 00:14:37,610
recruits I've ever had the privilege to
work with.

248
00:14:38,950 --> 00:14:40,930
Hey, don't go off on me now, sister.

249
00:14:41,890 --> 00:14:42,890
You're right.

250
00:14:43,110 --> 00:14:44,110
Okay, everybody.

251
00:14:57,420 --> 00:14:58,420
Go to the bathroom.

252
00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:03,420
Yeah, well, he should have thought of
that before he left the house.

253
00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:08,380
Turn in the bathroom when you're
sleeping with the fishes.

254
00:15:12,140 --> 00:15:14,320
Oh, crap.

255
00:15:14,940 --> 00:15:16,040
We got heat, ladies.

256
00:15:16,620 --> 00:15:17,620
What does that mean?

257
00:15:17,780 --> 00:15:18,860
Police car behind us.

258
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:20,540
Okay, put it on ice.

259
00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:21,760
What does that mean?

260
00:15:22,260 --> 00:15:23,800
Keep calm. Don't panic.

261
00:15:24,740 --> 00:15:25,920
Buckle up. We're going to shake them.

262
00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:27,120
What does that mean?

263
00:15:45,890 --> 00:15:47,010
I'm sorry,

264
00:15:48,710 --> 00:15:49,710
I'm his publisher.

265
00:15:49,770 --> 00:15:50,850
Please don't hurt me.

266
00:15:51,730 --> 00:15:53,390
We kidnapped the wrong guy.

267
00:15:58,540 --> 00:16:01,060
You told me not to when somebody said
they had a sock full of nickels.

268
00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:03,360
Oh, my God.

269
00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:05,180
We're going to go to prison.

270
00:16:05,980 --> 00:16:07,640
Prison. Okay, Zoe,

271
00:16:08,740 --> 00:16:10,940
if anybody in the cell block asks, we're
a couple.

272
00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:14,340
Somebody slap her.

273
00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:18,320
Claire, it's going to be okay.

274
00:16:18,660 --> 00:16:20,320
We'll just tell the officer the truth.

275
00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:23,260
That it was dark and we accidentally
grabbed the wrong person.

276
00:16:23,700 --> 00:16:27,900
Put a bag over his head and shoved him
into a car and threatened him with

277
00:16:27,900 --> 00:16:28,900
harm.

278
00:16:30,470 --> 00:16:31,870
Anybody else? We're a couple.

279
00:16:38,190 --> 00:16:41,810
We got pulled over because Marion's
taillight was out. We're just lucky that

280
00:16:41,810 --> 00:16:43,390
was a basketball fan or we'd be in jail.

281
00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:45,630
Had to give him your Lakers ticket.

282
00:16:47,770 --> 00:16:48,970
I had Lakers ticket?

283
00:16:50,210 --> 00:16:51,210
Court side.

284
00:16:52,070 --> 00:16:53,570
What, a night in jail would have killed
you?

285
00:16:54,570 --> 00:16:59,530
I can't believe this. You come to my
house, you kidnap my guests.

286
00:17:02,220 --> 00:17:04,660
supposed to be you. And what kind of
host are you anyway letting your guest

287
00:17:04,660 --> 00:17:05,660
answer the front door?

288
00:17:05,920 --> 00:17:07,359
Oh, so now it's my fault?

289
00:17:07,579 --> 00:17:09,760
Oh, you don't apologize to me. Apologize
to Eddie.

290
00:17:11,339 --> 00:17:15,240
It's okay. It turns out that Marianne
here has got a great idea for a book. I

291
00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:17,440
call it The Ex -Wife's Guide to Healing.

292
00:17:17,740 --> 00:17:22,180
See, I see it as a mixture of diet,
daily affirmations, and paramilitary

293
00:17:22,180 --> 00:17:23,180
training.

294
00:17:24,119 --> 00:17:25,619
Dynamite. Chapter three.

295
00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:30,400
Ira, I'm so sorry about all this.

296
00:17:30,730 --> 00:17:32,570
I just feel terrible about forgetting
your birthday.

297
00:17:32,890 --> 00:17:35,190
How many times do I have to tell you?
It's no big deal.

298
00:17:35,570 --> 00:17:39,050
Yes, it is. You're not just some guy
that I used to be married to. You're one

299
00:17:39,050 --> 00:17:39,929
my best friends.

300
00:17:39,930 --> 00:17:42,370
And if you don't get angry about this,
I'll have to get angry at myself.

301
00:17:42,590 --> 00:17:43,910
So if you love me, you'll lay it on me
now!

302
00:17:44,750 --> 00:17:46,870
All right, I'm mad at you for forgetting
my birthday.

303
00:17:47,090 --> 00:17:48,830
Well, I didn't do it on purpose, so back
off!

304
00:17:50,950 --> 00:17:51,950
Feel better?

305
00:17:52,250 --> 00:17:53,250
Yeah, thanks.

306
00:17:55,950 --> 00:17:57,470
Ira, happy birthday.

307
00:17:57,770 --> 00:17:58,770
Thank you.

308
00:17:59,250 --> 00:18:03,300
You know, We all forget things. In fact,
when we were married, Francis Ford

309
00:18:03,300 --> 00:18:05,540
Coppola called you once and I forgot to
tell you about it.

310
00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:12,120
Ha, ha, very funny.

311
00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:14,040
You're kidding, right?

312
00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:15,260
Say you're kidding.

313
00:18:16,180 --> 00:18:22,960
All righty. I'll see your buck and

314
00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:23,960
I'll raise you.

315
00:18:28,140 --> 00:18:29,640
What, you've never seen a slot full of
nickels before?

316
00:18:32,620 --> 00:18:35,820
Well, how do you like them pickles?

317
00:18:38,380 --> 00:18:39,380
Don't you mean apples?

318
00:18:40,040 --> 00:18:41,600
It's just something my dad used to say.

319
00:18:45,620 --> 00:18:47,040
How do you like them pickles?

320
00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:51,160
Pickles? You put whipped cream in your
iced tea. I do that, too.

321
00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:52,380
Ever try it on french fries?

322
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:54,960
No. Don't. It's really gross.

323
00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:58,970
Here. Try this guacamole.

324
00:18:59,530 --> 00:19:01,330
It's my great -aunt Lucy's secret
recipe.

325
00:19:01,610 --> 00:19:03,550
She whispered the ingredients to me on
her deathbed.

326
00:19:03,970 --> 00:19:04,970
Mmm.

327
00:19:05,990 --> 00:19:06,990
Horseradish. Mm -hmm.

328
00:19:07,690 --> 00:19:09,890
Lima beans. Oh, yeah. Shout it out to
the world.

329
00:19:11,010 --> 00:19:13,910
Well, honey, you're just the Wolfgang
Puck of Bakersfield.

330
00:19:14,770 --> 00:19:18,150
If you really like this guacamole, I can
send a gallon home with you. Can you

331
00:19:18,150 --> 00:19:18,749
freeze it?

332
00:19:18,750 --> 00:19:20,750
Freeze it? Hell, you can wallpaper with
it.

333
00:19:22,670 --> 00:19:25,850
Well, you're not just the Wolfgang Puck
of Bakersfield. You're the Bob Vila of

334
00:19:25,850 --> 00:19:26,850
Bakersfield.

335
00:19:28,940 --> 00:19:30,380
Wardrobe needs a shot of you in costume.

336
00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:32,420
Okay, go ahead.

337
00:19:32,900 --> 00:19:33,900
Flashing.

338
00:19:40,140 --> 00:19:41,680
I bet three M andM's.

339
00:19:42,100 --> 00:19:44,780
Shouldn't we go? Dad's been in bed for
two hours already.

340
00:19:45,820 --> 00:19:48,640
Yeah, yeah, excuses give me a rash. Bet
your hand.

341
00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:53,280
I'll see your M andM's and raise you four
Doritos.

342
00:19:54,700 --> 00:19:57,240
Little lady says she's got the full
boat.

343
00:19:58,860 --> 00:20:03,540
I'll see your snack food and raise you
$15 ,000.

344
00:20:08,220 --> 00:20:10,660
Hold it. Marianne, you can't keep doing
that.

345
00:20:11,320 --> 00:20:12,760
Why not? I'm winning, aren't I?

346
00:20:15,920 --> 00:20:18,540
Yes, may I speak to Francis Coppola,
please?

347
00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:25,300
Well, just tell him Sybil Sheridan
returned his call.

348
00:20:27,140 --> 00:20:29,200
I made some guacamole. Tell me what you
think.

349
00:20:33,340 --> 00:20:37,400
Hey, I thought my dad was the only one
that put lima beans in his guacamole.

350
00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:39,180
How do you like them pickles?

351
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:42,320
You remembered him.

352
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:43,800
I finally did.

353
00:20:44,780 --> 00:20:45,860
He was so nice.

354
00:20:46,740 --> 00:20:48,960
I'm really sorry I didn't get the chance
to know him.

355
00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:52,520
He really would have liked you a lot.

356
00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:58,540
Three M andMs, four Doritos, and $15 ,000.

357
00:21:00,860 --> 00:21:05,180
Okay, I'm in. I bet... Iris' house.

358
00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:08,760
What do you got?

359
00:21:08,940 --> 00:21:09,940
Four queens.

360
00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:11,720
A pair of five.

361
00:21:14,460 --> 00:21:15,660
Well, it's not my house.