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Downloaded from
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.BZ

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Once when I was 13 and spent
the weekend at my grandparents,

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I locked myself in the bathroom one evening
and masturbated violently, as 13-year-olds do.

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Suddenly I felt like it
to rub the head of the penis

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against the underside of the laminate board.

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The upper side was smooth,
and I assumed the underside was too.

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I soon noticed that it was untreated wood
and got a lot of chips in the head of the penis.

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I couldn't tell my grandparents
my, I'd rather die.

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I looked all over the house for a pair of tweezers
and locked myself in the toilet again.

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I pulled all the chips out of my penis,

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wrapped it in tissue paper,
which of course got bloody, and laid me down.

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Until now it has been my biggest mistake,

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but not to have a colonoscopy
when I turned 50, it was worse.

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Just garbage.

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When I told my mom I had
bowel cancer, she said, "You fucking idiot."

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"It is the easiest cancer to prevent,
you just have to have a colonoscopy."

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I can overcome it, but otherwise
is she right. I'm a fucking idiot.

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I go through everything, so don't
is something sentimental or important

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that someone else will have when I'm gone.

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Toilet paper. Maxell cassettes.

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00:02:30,023 --> 00:02:34,194
André is the most brilliant idiot
you have ever met.

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His brain is not like most people's.

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I have the feeling that I have
Kim Kardashian's pants in here.

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Oh, so much fun. Cult.

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I started buying weed and put it here.

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The idea was that if it comes
a great earthquake,

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I would use it as currency.
There is a small pipe as well.

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André has always liked obscure facts
and curiosity.

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Yes, these could be her pants.

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"Kim Kardashian. I'm so glad you won
one of the things from my wardrobe sale."

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"The money goes to the church. Thank you."
Signed by Kim Kardashian.

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The idea was to scrape off her DNA,
because you can't wash fake leather pants.

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Then you could clone her from them one day.

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You never know what will come out of him.
It could be a Nietzsche quote

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or pretty girls
that picks up dog poo.

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It is either normal or completely sick.

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André's biggest paradox was Janice.

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One day we had been drinking
in the bar for a couple of hours.

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Janice told Johnny, "I'm Canadian
and need a residence permit."

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"Will you marry me?"

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It was my last year at university,
the visa expired and I was deported.

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I thought, "I'm going to propose to Johnny D."

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He was not very fond of ladies,
so it would be straightforward.

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He said, “No, I'm not getting married
with you." I said, "I do!"

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I said, "What?"

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She said, "Are you sure? It will be
no sex, it'll be platonic."

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“If you want to marry me, we can
move into the apartment above the bar."

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"Yes, please." I thought you could drink
free if you were married to the bartender.

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For André, I was the Wizard of Oz.

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-She promised me a trip to Mexico.
- It was to pay for the wedding.

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We had to be married for two years.

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I bought a wedding dress at a flea market
for $30 and laced it up.

54
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André wore a grey-blue tuxedo. His brother
had just happened to be flying home from Japan.

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We happened to cross country on our way
back from New York to San Francisco.

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“Great, I'll get married then.
Come to the wedding!"

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Is he serious? You never know
whether André is serious or not.

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I was interested in someone at work.
André's girlfriend was at the wedding.

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My boyfriend took it badly and
spent the night alone in Golden Gate Park.

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Some suspected it was more than that
a marriage to get a visa, but not me.

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Who is he marrying
that I know nothing about?

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If he marries as a joke,
what should I say to our parents?

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I follow all the rules, so I was
terrified of being deported or caught.

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I insisted that we get to know each other
each other very quickly and very well.

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We were up until four in the morning and
talked about our past and our childhood.

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"Which side of the bed do you sleep on?
What color is your toothbrush?"

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-Which milk do you prefer?
-What did you do in the summer?

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-Who was your teacher in the fourth grade?
-When did you learn to tie shoelaces? How?

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Unnecessarily detailed.

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We thought that the questioning would be like
The Newlywed Game. So we applied.

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My name is Gary Kroger. I have easy
in San Francisco after their best newlyweds.

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I found them.
Welcome Janice and André Ricciardi!

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Welcome, welcome. Good luck.

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If I could be which one
any celebrity i would be…

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-Ozzy Osbourne!
-Michael Jackson's chimpanzee Bubbles.

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I knew it!

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You can't cheat. We discussed how

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we wanted to maximize our chances of winning.

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Our way of cheating was, “If the true
the answer is obvious, choose it first."

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-She is secretly in love with Stephen King.
- It's my wife!

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-Yes!
- It's her. Can I hug you for that?

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If the answer is not obvious, choose the nice one.

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For 50 points: Born Perfect,
or require some work?

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Born Perfect!

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If it's not something nice, choose it as
begins with the last letter of the alphabet.

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-Pepperoni or mushrooms?
-Pepperoni.

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We got more and more points.

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-Do the coins count or have zero clue?
-Counts the money.

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00:08:05,859 --> 00:08:08,570
- Andre?
- Has zero clue!

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Prefer a table outside. Spontaneous sex!

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For the trip to the Caribbean, he knows
what she wants in bed, or needs to be taught?

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00:08:18,372 --> 00:08:22,834
André, don't say anything. You have 230 points.
The Christiansen couple are leading right now.

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If you answer correctly, you go to the Caribbean.
Otherwise, the Christiansen couple can travel.

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- I know it!
-Okay!

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With that strategy, we won
a trip to Sonesta in Anguilla.

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We had to pay capital gains tax on the shit!

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André called me a few weeks later and said:
"I have a problem."

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"I fucked my wife."
I said, "Excuse me?"

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"We had sex. We were going to get married
to obtain a residence permit."

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"Now I've got her. We're married
on paper, but now we've had sex."

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"It is unclear where the relationship is,
and I don't know what this means."

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We were so impressed with ourselves.
"We're a good team."

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Janice was questioned by the authorities,
and the officer was a piece of shit.

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He had no sense of humor. "What
what kind of proof do you have of a life together?"

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"We have bought a car and insurance,
we live together."

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We said, “We were on The Newlywed Game. "

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He closed the folder and said:

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"Then they've already asked about everything.
Take care of yourselves.”

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Then we knew we had made it,
that everything would be fine.

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Now I admit the fraud.

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We were in love then. We slept with each other.
We broke up with those we were with.

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“How much harder could it be
to have children than to win The Newlywed Game? "

113
00:10:15,322 --> 00:10:20,035
I have always called my father André.
I always said his first name.

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I have always called my father André.
I have done that since I was little.

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My father is very unique,
so our relationship is very unique.

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My friends' parents stay
surprised when they hit him.

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He tells crazy jokes and swears a lot.

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My father looks like a homeless person.

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He had enormous hair. That was his thing.

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It's just André.

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Being close to each other is different
for us than other fathers and daughters.

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00:11:05,580 --> 00:11:12,421
We don't hug or touch each other.
We're not like that as a family.

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He wants
an intellectual relationship with them.

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"We are talking about the Ottoman Empire,
conspiracy theories and good books."

125
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I recovered from an operation
and lay motionless.

126
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Dad read me all of Helter Skelter,
the book about the Manson murders.

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00:11:32,941 --> 00:11:39,781
The nurses came in and heard him reading it
for his daughter in the hospital bed.

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00:11:39,865 --> 00:11:44,453
It describes our relationship perfectly.

129
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It was an important moment for me.

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00:11:48,957 --> 00:11:53,336
Shall I describe André in one word,
it becomes "crazy".

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André could have made millions
of things with their creativity,

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but happened to become an advertising man.

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Say heck, the rag and the heck out of it
for ****, **** and *******

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He sold ideas that got people
to sue the company.

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00:12:08,602 --> 00:12:10,854
Ready, Rob?

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00:12:10,937 --> 00:12:13,940
- We are on our way.
- We're going to have fun!

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00:12:14,024 --> 00:12:18,820
Amber Dewick is suing Toyota for having
pursued her in an ad campaign.

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He was gifted, so he was tolerated.

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00:12:21,406 --> 00:12:25,827
Once we were working on a huge project
for 20th Century Fox.

140
00:12:25,911 --> 00:12:28,747
An advertising campaign for Planet of the Apes.

141
00:12:28,830 --> 00:12:34,252
-We called it "the monkeys are getting smarter".
-They get smarter, and evolution...

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00:12:34,378 --> 00:12:40,842
"My God, André is babbling."
But the head of Fox's film division said yes.

143
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You only manage to become very good
to a few things in life.

144
00:12:50,394 --> 00:12:53,271
Be careful what you become good at.

145
00:12:53,354 --> 00:12:59,902
I chose to be good at advertising.
What is wrong with me? What a wasted life.

146
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Advertising seems so unimportant
when you receive a cancer diagnosis.

147
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Hello, everyone. We are in my kitchen.

148
00:13:09,913 --> 00:13:16,378
It's just over 18 hours
for my first colonoscopy.

149
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I will never forget that. Katie Couric took
a colonoscopy in the program she led.

150
00:13:23,218 --> 00:13:26,096
Her husband had died of bowel cancer.

151
00:13:26,179 --> 00:13:29,306
I thought it would be like that for me.

152
00:13:29,391 --> 00:13:33,645
I joked with the nurses
and the doctors, as I do when I'm nervous.

153
00:13:33,729 --> 00:13:37,774
I said, "I'm a drug addict,
give me double dose."

154
00:13:37,858 --> 00:13:42,279
I... No, I gave you what you need.

155
00:13:42,362 --> 00:13:44,781
She was drugged and a little confused.

156
00:13:44,865 --> 00:13:49,703
The anesthetist anesthetizes you,
and you are gone for about fifteen minutes.

157
00:13:49,786 --> 00:13:53,957
They run a camera up your ass
and checks whether you have polyps or not.

158
00:13:54,041 --> 00:13:56,668
I went through that process.

159
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- Completely clean, nothing unusual.
- It wasn't so bad.

160
00:14:02,549 --> 00:14:07,929
My colonoscopy was not
a joyful event full of laughter,

161
00:14:08,013 --> 00:14:11,516
as Katie Couric on TV.

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00:14:11,599 --> 00:14:16,479
When I started to wake up,
there was a lot going on around me.

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00:14:16,604 --> 00:14:23,487
One guy said, "It was over 45 minutes,
my longest colonoscopy ever."

164
00:14:23,570 --> 00:14:27,741
I thought it might be good
or bad. I'm waking up.

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00:14:27,824 --> 00:14:32,746
I am beginning to realize that something is wrong.
The doctor came over and said:

166
00:14:32,829 --> 00:14:38,585
"André, I'm sorry to have to say that,
but we couldn't do the colonoscopy."

167
00:14:38,668 --> 00:14:42,714
“The tumor is so big
that we don't get a camera in."

168
00:14:42,798 --> 00:14:47,761
I said, "What does that mean?" She said:
“It looks like cancer. I don't know."

169
00:14:47,886 --> 00:14:52,766
"I tattooed it." I don't know why,
but they probably do.

170
00:14:52,849 --> 00:14:58,146
“I took a biopsy. We will get in touch
in a couple of days with the results."

171
00:14:58,271 --> 00:15:03,902
They hadn't even taken a biopsy.
"How dare they say you have cancer?"

172
00:15:03,985 --> 00:15:07,572
“They didn't confirm anything. That's not true."

173
00:15:07,698 --> 00:15:12,202
The phone rang two or three days later,
and I saw that it was Doctor…

174
00:15:12,285 --> 00:15:17,791
I don't know her name, because she stands
on the phone as "The Butt Doctor".

175
00:15:17,874 --> 00:15:22,421
What stage is it? What does that mean?

176
00:15:22,504 --> 00:15:28,343
-Fourth stage of four.
- Damn.

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00:15:28,427 --> 00:15:34,808
When it has spread to different parts
of the body, we cannot operate it away.

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00:15:48,447 --> 00:15:53,076
I walked into the room and expected
that he should say it was a polyp.

179
00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:59,374
Or: "There is something, or the beginning
on something. That's stage one."

180
00:15:59,458 --> 00:16:02,419
He said it was stage four.

181
00:16:02,502 --> 00:16:06,798
And his face was all gray.

182
00:16:08,008 --> 00:16:10,719
He was probably in shock.

183
00:16:10,802 --> 00:16:15,849
He probably remained in shock for a long time.

184
00:16:47,214 --> 00:16:53,136
It is fascinating that I am dying.
I want to document it and learn from it.

185
00:16:53,220 --> 00:16:58,934
A way to deal with it, and to be obsessed
of my cancer and mortality,

186
00:16:59,017 --> 00:17:03,105
without focusing on the anxiety,
is to make this film.

187
00:17:03,188 --> 00:17:05,732
Scene 103, take 7. Marker.

188
00:17:07,859 --> 00:17:12,572
Ultimately
André is probably making this film because

189
00:17:12,656 --> 00:17:18,745
André will do everything his way,
including death. This is André.

190
00:17:18,829 --> 00:17:22,833
Interview with André, first take.

191
00:17:22,916 --> 00:17:28,547
If someone said, “I have bowel cancer and want to
make a documentary about my own death",

192
00:17:28,630 --> 00:17:34,385
I don't know what I would feel.
One will fulfill their wish,

193
00:17:34,469 --> 00:17:38,140
but you feel that it will be
personal and terrible.

194
00:17:38,223 --> 00:17:44,271
You don't want to show it to others. But for
I'm with my part. Am I screwing up?

195
00:17:44,354 --> 00:17:48,900
Do you want pictures of my colon,
then you will get pictures of the large intestine.

196
00:17:48,984 --> 00:17:51,737
André likes it.

197
00:17:54,156 --> 00:17:57,284
I wanted to stick my tongue in, but didn't.

198
00:17:57,366 --> 00:18:00,370
He tells the conventions to go to hell.

199
00:18:00,454 --> 00:18:05,459
Is there anything better to dedicate
his last days on the planet to?

200
00:18:06,543 --> 00:18:11,673
EIGHT WEEKS AFTER THE DIAGNOSIS

201
00:18:14,885 --> 00:18:19,598
Yesterday I was at the hospital
for six hours of chemotherapy.

202
00:18:19,681 --> 00:18:23,518
This can be avoided with a colonoscopy.

203
00:18:23,602 --> 00:18:29,775
As you can see, I'm topless,
not just to show off my beautiful body,

204
00:18:29,858 --> 00:18:36,406
but to show that I am connected
and still receive chemotherapy for 24 hours.

205
00:18:36,990 --> 00:18:41,495
I also have this ball of chemotherapy.

206
00:18:41,577 --> 00:18:46,541
It drains slowly over the course of 24 hours.

207
00:18:46,666 --> 00:18:53,423
When they change the drip, they have full
protective equipment with mask and gloves.

208
00:18:54,841 --> 00:18:59,346
It's ironic
that one should not get it on the skin,

209
00:18:59,429 --> 00:19:03,683
but they hook it up into a needle
in an artery closest to my heart

210
00:19:03,767 --> 00:19:07,938
so it can be pumped around my body.
You get used to it.

211
00:19:15,195 --> 00:19:18,824
Dying is surprisingly boring.

212
00:19:19,908 --> 00:19:22,827
It's like a vacation for me.

213
00:19:25,330 --> 00:19:31,461
It sounds strange, but you feel:
"Oh my god, I have a terminal illness."

214
00:19:31,545 --> 00:19:36,258
“I have a disease at most
probably kill me within five years."

215
00:19:36,341 --> 00:19:40,721
Part of me feels
that the world should come to an abrupt halt.

216
00:19:40,846 --> 00:19:46,476
That I should feel different
and that everything should be about me dying.

217
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:51,106
It has not done that. I empty
still the dishwasher in the morning.

218
00:19:51,189 --> 00:19:55,693
I sit in the same place and watch
on the same damn websites.

219
00:19:55,777 --> 00:20:02,491
Something fascinates me about it,
namely how banal my own death is.

220
00:20:02,576 --> 00:20:08,373
How routine it already feels,
eight to ten weeks after diagnosis.

221
00:20:09,916 --> 00:20:14,504
André is surprisingly positive,
something none of us would have thought.

222
00:20:14,587 --> 00:20:20,469
My wife said last night that it is sad.
It's not necessarily sad.

223
00:20:20,552 --> 00:20:26,183
It doesn't look like this to me
like a nasty lump of chemotherapy hair.

224
00:20:26,266 --> 00:20:32,606
To me it looks like
a cute little character with weird eyes.

225
00:20:32,689 --> 00:20:37,235
I create little creatures that live with me.

226
00:20:37,318 --> 00:20:40,864
Nothing is more serious
than dying of cancer.

227
00:20:40,947 --> 00:20:45,827
One cannot imagine
a more serious, gruesome subject.

228
00:20:45,911 --> 00:20:51,375
But André laughs, jokes,
teasing and having fun.

229
00:20:51,458 --> 00:20:55,337
He finds himself in a painful situation

230
00:20:55,420 --> 00:20:59,132
and uses a good dose of humor.

231
00:20:59,216 --> 00:21:04,680
The world is not ending because of that.
Do I deny it? I don't think so.

232
00:21:04,763 --> 00:21:07,766
Come on, you're free.

233
00:21:18,943 --> 00:21:25,491
No one in the family has had cancer. I have
thought about where it might have come from.

234
00:21:25,575 --> 00:21:28,870
How I got cancer, first theory.

235
00:21:28,954 --> 00:21:33,083
I ate rat poison in Tompkins
Square Park in the early 90s.

236
00:21:33,166 --> 00:21:37,337
I smoked cigarettes for 22 years.
Salami sausage. My mother gave it to me.

237
00:21:37,421 --> 00:21:43,760
When she was eight, she and her friends ran
behind the trucks spraying DDT.

238
00:21:43,885 --> 00:21:50,600
My mother was born with all her eggs.
What I was conceived and born of,

239
00:21:50,683 --> 00:21:55,272
was inside my mother when she was
an eight-year-old girl.

240
00:21:55,397 --> 00:21:57,274
Anyway, thanks, Mom.

241
00:21:58,984 --> 00:22:02,904
-Can I have two pieces of cheese?
- I want pepperoni.

242
00:22:02,988 --> 00:22:07,993
I treat. I treat. I'm coming
always to treat you to pizza, Lee.

243
00:22:08,076 --> 00:22:12,664
-Even after death I treat.
-Thanks. How are you going to do it?

244
00:22:12,748 --> 00:22:16,460
I don't know.
We have to figure it out, it's urgent.

245
00:22:18,086 --> 00:22:24,092
André and I are not a pair of such people
traditionally envisions a couple.

246
00:22:24,176 --> 00:22:27,554
I see André as my soulmate.

247
00:22:27,679 --> 00:22:30,599
We are like big brother and little brother.

248
00:22:30,682 --> 00:22:35,437
Lee is a typical big brother,
and I'm a typical little brother.

249
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:39,733
I invited André
when I had to have a colonoscopy

250
00:22:39,816 --> 00:22:42,986
to do it together, as a couple.

251
00:22:43,070 --> 00:22:47,949
My first thought was, “He wants me to
hold him by the hand, he is afraid."

252
00:22:48,033 --> 00:22:52,204
"He wants me for company,
so it feels easier for him."

253
00:22:52,287 --> 00:22:56,458
I said, "I'll be happy to drive you,
whatever you want."

254
00:22:56,541 --> 00:23:02,714
He said, “No, come with me
and take a colonoscopy with me."

255
00:23:02,798 --> 00:23:08,470
“Let's go in together, it'll be like leaving
at the spa. Let's do it as a couple."

256
00:23:11,306 --> 00:23:16,436
Both should drink liquids
and screw us together.

257
00:23:30,033 --> 00:23:35,038
If I were to have a double colonoscopy
with anyone, it was André.

258
00:23:35,122 --> 00:23:40,293
I'm not having a colonoscopy with my friend.
That's too damn weird.

259
00:23:40,377 --> 00:23:46,091
I probably said to my wife, "Lee said
that we should have a colonoscopy together."

260
00:23:46,174 --> 00:23:52,472
She probably said, “Are you fucking crazy?
Why do it to anyone? Crazy."

261
00:23:52,556 --> 00:23:56,435
I thought:
"He's going to do it with someone else."

262
00:23:56,518 --> 00:24:00,856
“Has he already ordered
a couple colonoscopy? It has to be done."

263
00:24:00,939 --> 00:24:03,191
"We're at the age where you do that."

264
00:24:03,275 --> 00:24:06,611
Almost to the day one year later

265
00:24:06,737 --> 00:24:12,075
I was diagnosed with bowel cancer
in the fourth stage with metastasis in the liver.

266
00:24:12,159 --> 00:24:17,581
The rejection of the couple colonoscopy
led directly to Andre's cancer.

267
00:24:17,664 --> 00:24:24,587
Had I gone a year earlier, I would have
probably had cancer, but easier to treat.

268
00:24:26,006 --> 00:24:32,095
I'm not mad that he didn't
that. He said, "No police, no doctors."

269
00:24:32,179 --> 00:24:37,225
It could have been avoided,
or it could have been milder.

270
00:24:37,308 --> 00:24:42,397
I was as ignorant as him, and that
It wasn't like it was ten years too late.

271
00:24:42,481 --> 00:24:47,693
It was ten months too late. If it was lying
in the family or he had had symptoms.

272
00:24:47,778 --> 00:24:50,781
I hadn't taken one,
and we are the same age.

273
00:24:50,864 --> 00:24:57,621
He is stoic and does not put his health first,
in many ways.

274
00:24:58,330 --> 00:25:02,542
The long answer is that if anyone
was going to die young, it was André.

275
00:25:05,837 --> 00:25:11,218
He would say, "I will die young.
I've lived a crazy life."

276
00:25:11,301 --> 00:25:17,557
André had a complicated relationship
to drugs and alcohol over the years.

277
00:25:17,683 --> 00:25:23,397
Some years I often drank myself unconscious.
I have taken cocaine five or six times.

278
00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:26,316
I've taken acid 100, 150 times.

279
00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:29,778
I took mushrooms a couple of times a year.

280
00:25:29,861 --> 00:25:33,573
He never took cocaine or harder drugs.

281
00:25:33,657 --> 00:25:37,786
I've tried heroin, sniffed it.
I have used quite a bit of methamphetamine.

282
00:25:37,869 --> 00:25:41,164
Ecstasy, yes. Certainly.

283
00:25:41,248 --> 00:25:44,960
But nothing more serious than that.

284
00:25:45,043 --> 00:25:48,337
Nothing more serious
than methamphetamine and heroin.

285
00:25:50,465 --> 00:25:53,969
André did not take very good care of himself.

286
00:25:54,052 --> 00:25:58,515
He smoked a lot. I think he sniffed.

287
00:25:58,598 --> 00:26:01,143
He drank a lot.

288
00:26:01,226 --> 00:26:05,313
I think he became unfriended
with his doctor. The doctor said:

289
00:26:05,397 --> 00:26:08,734
"You need to start taking care of yourself."

290
00:26:09,651 --> 00:26:13,238
I stopped drinking three years before the cancer.

291
00:26:13,321 --> 00:26:19,786
I woke up at five in the morning
and became as tall as I could be myself.

292
00:26:23,373 --> 00:26:27,044
I got on the exercise bike
and drove it for 45 minutes.

293
00:26:27,127 --> 00:26:32,215
I lost weight, got in shape
and was in the best shape of my life.

294
00:26:32,299 --> 00:26:35,677
Once a week I bled from my butt.

295
00:26:39,222 --> 00:26:42,683
I thought it was a hemorrhoid.

296
00:26:43,935 --> 00:26:47,397
I assumed it was a new hemorrhoid.

297
00:26:47,481 --> 00:26:51,193
I had a Zoom meeting with a new doctor.

298
00:26:51,276 --> 00:26:53,987
They couldn't look at his ass over Zoom.

299
00:26:54,071 --> 00:26:58,575
He told me not to turn around and show my ass,
although I was prepared for it.

300
00:26:58,658 --> 00:27:01,952
He described the symptoms, and the doctor said:

301
00:27:02,037 --> 00:27:05,248
“It sounds like
like a hemorrhoid from the workout."

302
00:27:05,332 --> 00:27:11,296
"Use salve and it will go away."
I wasn't in top shape. I had cancer.

303
00:27:22,349 --> 00:27:24,558
BUY 2, PAY FOR 1

304
00:27:24,643 --> 00:27:27,270
ORGANIC

305
00:27:28,772 --> 00:27:31,608
When he was diagnosed, we prepared.

306
00:27:31,692 --> 00:27:36,654
I immediately read all the lists
above all the diet we could need,

307
00:27:36,738 --> 00:27:42,077
filled the house with protein drinks
and bought cancer diet cookbooks.

308
00:27:43,954 --> 00:27:50,335
Mom is caring. Dad hadn't
been equally brave and resilient

309
00:27:50,419 --> 00:27:54,131
if she hadn't helped him through everything.

310
00:28:04,975 --> 00:28:10,230
He copes well with chemotherapy.
He avoids the worst side effects.

311
00:28:10,313 --> 00:28:15,193
I prepared well for the chemotherapy

312
00:28:15,277 --> 00:28:18,989
by being drunk for 35 years.

313
00:28:19,114 --> 00:28:24,536
The mental aspect is similar.
I feel miserable and think I'm going to die.

314
00:28:24,619 --> 00:28:29,374
I have to let it go,
shut up and get on with what I'm doing.

315
00:28:29,499 --> 00:28:34,587
For people who haven't been
alcoholics much of their lives,

316
00:28:34,712 --> 00:28:38,091
and had carpenters, it's probably worse.

317
00:28:38,175 --> 00:28:42,012
He looks good,
despite all the chemotherapy.

318
00:28:42,095 --> 00:28:46,600
He doesn't look as thin as I expected.

319
00:28:46,683 --> 00:28:50,187
Everything is going well with the cancer. It shrinks.

320
00:28:50,270 --> 00:28:54,441
The cancer reacts to the chemotherapy.

321
00:28:54,566 --> 00:28:56,985
I'm gaining weight back and that's good.

322
00:28:57,069 --> 00:29:02,240
I've gained a little too much
and need to lose weight.

323
00:29:02,324 --> 00:29:07,621
I struggle more than him with the hair loss.
The hair at the back of the head fell out.

324
00:29:07,704 --> 00:29:12,667
If you look at him from the front, it looks like
he has put his hair up in a knot.

325
00:29:12,751 --> 00:29:18,340
But the whole knot is gone,
and I don't think he cares.

326
00:29:20,008 --> 00:29:25,972
André has changed since the diagnosis,
and I thought he would be angry.

327
00:29:26,056 --> 00:29:28,767
Kreft-André is very kind.

328
00:29:28,850 --> 00:29:31,895
Part of it may be due to all the grass he eats.

329
00:29:32,771 --> 00:29:36,066
We have started hanging out a lot more.

330
00:29:36,149 --> 00:29:39,653
I used to go for exercise trips to the lake.

331
00:29:39,736 --> 00:29:44,658
Now we go to the beach together
or the sea every day a few kilometers.

332
00:29:44,741 --> 00:29:48,453
Sometimes we talk
about anything other than cancer.

333
00:29:48,537 --> 00:29:53,125
Which is the most beautiful duck?
Grilled marshmallow? Go to hell.

334
00:29:53,208 --> 00:29:55,085
Cut out.

335
00:29:55,168 --> 00:30:02,467
Partly it is probably because he is hopeful and
appreciates his life and our lives more.

336
00:30:02,551 --> 00:30:07,139
Partly it is probably because he is
a stoic Ricciardi.

337
00:30:10,100 --> 00:30:15,647
He might look vulnerable
when he talks about chemotherapy,

338
00:30:15,731 --> 00:30:19,109
but he hides the most vulnerable.

339
00:30:21,695 --> 00:30:25,657
There are many details we don't talk about.

340
00:30:25,741 --> 00:30:30,495
He doesn't want to talk about pain and fear.

341
00:30:45,510 --> 00:30:51,433
It's hard for mom, for sure
more difficult than the rest of the family.

342
00:30:51,516 --> 00:30:56,313
But we don't talk much
about how we feel about it.

343
00:30:58,190 --> 00:31:03,653
My parents hide a lot
of the details for my sister and me.

344
00:31:03,737 --> 00:31:07,741
But I don't want to know so many details.

345
00:31:16,124 --> 00:31:19,836
We don't talk much about how we feel,

346
00:31:19,920 --> 00:31:25,842
but we are so happy with how strong
and resistant he is.

347
00:31:25,926 --> 00:31:30,263
It is difficult to decide
how much should we tell the girls,

348
00:31:30,347 --> 00:31:35,519
for we will be honest with them,
but do not burden them.

349
00:31:39,314 --> 00:31:44,695
I have realized that I can handle it
immediate panic in situations well.

350
00:31:44,778 --> 00:31:49,991
It's harder to figure out how
one must behave in the long term.

351
00:31:50,075 --> 00:31:55,414
I can't just walk in
and fix everything, and…

352
00:31:57,916 --> 00:32:01,420
I have more difficulty
to see my role then.

353
00:32:05,048 --> 00:32:07,759
I stay up until two and read

354
00:32:07,843 --> 00:32:12,055
"Dianne's Sunshine Story
as a survivor of bowel cancer."

355
00:32:12,806 --> 00:32:16,226
I want to think he will overcome it.

356
00:32:17,477 --> 00:32:24,151
Maybe we both deny it,
but we call it hope.

357
00:32:35,704 --> 00:32:42,127
When André told me about the diagnosis,
I afraid to call him in a couple of days.

358
00:32:42,210 --> 00:32:46,256
Things happened, I saw something funny

359
00:32:46,340 --> 00:32:50,427
that we needed to talk about,
but I was reserved for a couple of days.

360
00:32:50,510 --> 00:32:54,014
It gnawed at me.
Why am I treating him differently?

361
00:32:54,097 --> 00:33:00,479
It always felt uncomfortable
between people and death.

362
00:33:00,604 --> 00:33:05,233
We are aware of our mortality
and do not know what happens after death.

363
00:33:05,317 --> 00:33:07,611
It's taboo.

364
00:33:07,694 --> 00:33:11,740
A protective mechanism
we have always had in our friendship,

365
00:33:11,823 --> 00:33:15,285
is to find the humor in terrible situations.

366
00:33:15,369 --> 00:33:21,208
We decided not to change the way
we talk to each other on,

367
00:33:21,291 --> 00:33:25,671
and as soon as we had done it,
we didn't need to change the friendship.

368
00:33:26,755 --> 00:33:31,009
Would you like something?
What would you wish for?

369
00:33:33,220 --> 00:33:35,639
I don't know.

370
00:33:37,724 --> 00:33:42,813
- I don't know, what...
- I can't think of anything.

371
00:33:45,190 --> 00:33:49,986
We keep the same disrespect
as I have for everything else in life.

372
00:33:50,070 --> 00:33:54,241
We should not take everything seriously
because I'm dying. Not the fuck.

373
00:33:54,324 --> 00:34:00,789
-"How is the cancer going?"
-"Pretty good. I don't know."

374
00:34:01,873 --> 00:34:07,004
He doesn't dig in.
We are amused by the fact that André is dying.

375
00:34:07,087 --> 00:34:12,300
I know it sounds crazy,
but it is typically André to do so.

376
00:34:12,384 --> 00:34:17,222
"Come on, kids! Will you take it?"
a picture with rectal cancer?"

377
00:34:18,974 --> 00:34:25,480
Rectal cancer takes off its mask, so be it
just a human being. The kids get scared.

378
00:34:25,563 --> 00:34:30,652
My father has been joking all his life
about wanting to be preserved.

379
00:34:30,735 --> 00:34:34,822
cryogenic freezing,
freezing of the head.

380
00:34:34,906 --> 00:34:41,121
Freeze the body to preserve it,
be cured one day and be revived.

381
00:34:41,204 --> 00:34:44,875
The next decision is whether I want to

382
00:34:44,958 --> 00:34:51,173
to freeze the whole body
or just the head, is that right?

383
00:34:51,255 --> 00:34:55,886
- No, we only freeze whole bodies.
- That makes it easier.

384
00:34:55,969 --> 00:34:58,889
I have printed my DNA.

385
00:34:58,972 --> 00:35:04,353
I have printed it out
to get the copyright and own it.

386
00:35:04,436 --> 00:35:08,357
I also wanted a physical print

387
00:35:08,440 --> 00:35:14,988
so someone in the future can clone me
or create a new me.

388
00:35:16,322 --> 00:35:22,871
He gets many ideas every day.
Most are just crazy André ideas.

389
00:35:22,954 --> 00:35:27,417
Some become real things
as others have done.

390
00:35:27,501 --> 00:35:32,547
André is more Aristotle than Plato.
He wants to know everything.

391
00:35:32,630 --> 00:35:38,679
He navigates the web better
than anyone else I've met.

392
00:35:38,762 --> 00:35:42,014
In today's internet society

393
00:35:42,099 --> 00:35:47,854
can he conjure up obscure knowledge
about almost anything.

394
00:35:50,774 --> 00:35:53,151
There is a website about death screams.

395
00:35:55,946 --> 00:35:58,782
I think it's deathyells.com.

396
00:35:58,907 --> 00:36:03,787
I didn't know if it was serious,
but it was a new idea to me.

397
00:36:03,870 --> 00:36:10,668
It was working with one's last word,
but it was from a completely new angle.

398
00:36:10,752 --> 00:36:17,884
It didn't matter if he was crazy.
It was something I should do as a terminally ill person.

399
00:36:17,967 --> 00:36:22,723
I called Lee and tried to get through
funny last words on the way up.

400
00:36:22,806 --> 00:36:26,435
I'm talking about my last words,
but have no ideas.

401
00:36:26,518 --> 00:36:32,441
My father-in-law, everyone was there when he died,
just said, "I'm so tired."

402
00:36:32,524 --> 00:36:35,277
- That was the last word.
- He complained.

403
00:36:39,239 --> 00:36:45,203
- You're Ryan, right? Nice to meet you.
-Welcome to my office.

404
00:36:45,287 --> 00:36:49,875
This will be your most important sound
on earth. Your death scream.

405
00:36:50,000 --> 00:36:54,963
That's the last the earth hears from you,
so it should be short and concise.

406
00:36:55,047 --> 00:37:00,886
It should come from the heart,
but strike a chord with the audience, whoever it is.

407
00:37:00,969 --> 00:37:06,975
I've heard that you don't really die
until no one says your name anymore.

408
00:37:07,059 --> 00:37:10,228
That you die only when you are forgotten.

409
00:37:10,312 --> 00:37:16,443
With a good death scream you can
maybe make life endless.

410
00:37:16,526 --> 00:37:22,783
You will inspire those around you and get them on
the other side to welcome you.

411
00:37:22,866 --> 00:37:27,204
-Inspire those around me to do what?
-To feel.

412
00:37:27,287 --> 00:37:33,960
To feel: "Oh, what a tremendous power."
Not: "Oh, so embarrassing."

413
00:37:34,043 --> 00:37:36,630
The death scream. Okay.

414
00:37:36,713 --> 00:37:41,510
Here it is. When you hear the echo,
you know if it is right or not.

415
00:37:41,592 --> 00:37:44,262
Damn sure!

416
00:37:44,346 --> 00:37:51,144
No. Take a deep breath, close your eyes
and say the first thing that comes to mind.

417
00:37:54,648 --> 00:37:58,527
Have at it, bastards!

418
00:37:58,610 --> 00:38:02,697
Like that? Okay, that felt pretty good. Okay.

419
00:38:02,781 --> 00:38:07,411
-Come and get me, aliens!
- Now it's getting weird.

420
00:38:07,494 --> 00:38:10,872
Practice on a roller coaster
or the highway.

421
00:38:10,956 --> 00:38:17,295
If someone experiences their last moment
and get hit, they might say...

422
00:38:21,383 --> 00:38:26,346
It can happen on the street or else
in an ice cream shop. That's why you have to practice.

423
00:38:26,430 --> 00:38:30,017
If you want to die with something strong and powerful.

424
00:38:33,937 --> 00:38:36,940
-Be careful here!
- Now you will get, God!

425
00:38:49,369 --> 00:38:51,121
Yes.

426
00:38:51,204 --> 00:38:55,375
It was pretty good. You can die from this.

427
00:38:56,793 --> 00:38:59,921
It tastes like blood in the throat.

428
00:39:00,005 --> 00:39:03,216
- Okay.
-Okay?

429
00:39:05,010 --> 00:39:09,514
You mentioned an idea to me
a couple of weeks ago.

430
00:39:09,598 --> 00:39:16,938
Imagine a big game show on cable TV.

431
00:39:17,063 --> 00:39:22,652
Imagine The Voice,
but this program is called

432
00:39:22,735 --> 00:39:28,909
Who wants to kill me? The idea is
that we take in five or six people

433
00:39:28,992 --> 00:39:33,121
which has a valid reason
to want to kill me.

434
00:39:35,206 --> 00:39:38,377
Maybe an ex-boyfriend who hates me.

435
00:39:40,712 --> 00:39:44,549
A chef who wants to prepare human flesh.

436
00:39:45,634 --> 00:39:48,136
Using me as a medical experiment.

437
00:39:49,471 --> 00:39:51,223
Blow me up.

438
00:39:52,891 --> 00:39:57,688
Put me in a stadium, unleash the lions
and see how long I can fight.

439
00:39:58,897 --> 00:40:02,442
The US gets to vote,
and the winner gets to take my life.

440
00:40:02,526 --> 00:40:06,071
It would have been better
if someone could kill me.

441
00:40:06,154 --> 00:40:10,951
An amateur magician, an up and coming
serial killer or an ex-boyfriend…

442
00:40:11,034 --> 00:40:16,540
It seems more alluring than that cancer
take me, but it may not be true.

443
00:40:16,623 --> 00:40:19,418
I think you...

444
00:40:21,043 --> 00:40:25,966
...has the ability
to find the fun in everything.

445
00:40:26,049 --> 00:40:30,137
The goal is to create enough space

446
00:40:30,220 --> 00:40:34,933
to that more emotions
must be accommodated at the same time.

447
00:40:35,017 --> 00:40:41,313
That the tragic, the beautiful
and the comic gets a place, all together.

448
00:40:42,607 --> 00:40:47,821
Maybe you'll get the chance
to explore grief more.

449
00:40:47,904 --> 00:40:53,534
It's beautiful, funny, outrageous

450
00:40:53,618 --> 00:40:57,748
and also very sad
that you have cancer, André.

451
00:41:08,884 --> 00:41:13,722
I have collected other people's old photo albums
since I was a child.

452
00:41:13,847 --> 00:41:19,478
I used to buy them at thrift stores,
antique shops and at flea markets.

453
00:41:21,521 --> 00:41:26,193
There is something very private about a photo album.

454
00:41:26,318 --> 00:41:32,199
It's an unfiltered look at who they are,
which you don't get anywhere else.

455
00:41:34,034 --> 00:41:40,499
It is subtle and difficult
to see in an otherwise boring album.

456
00:41:40,581 --> 00:41:45,962
There are maybe 25 pictures around Christmas time.

457
00:41:46,046 --> 00:41:48,674
There is nothing interesting about it.

458
00:41:48,757 --> 00:41:52,969
But then there is a mistake in the album.

459
00:41:53,053 --> 00:41:56,764
They probably didn't intend to reveal it.

460
00:41:56,848 --> 00:42:00,894
When I saw it, I was horrified.

461
00:42:00,976 --> 00:42:05,273
It's a picture
of a family in front of the Christmas tree.

462
00:42:05,357 --> 00:42:09,569
A few pictures later there is another picture

463
00:42:09,653 --> 00:42:12,739
taken a second before the first.

464
00:42:12,822 --> 00:42:17,034
But in the second picture you see the head

465
00:42:17,119 --> 00:42:22,999
to someone standing directly behind the woman
and holds her upright.

466
00:42:23,083 --> 00:42:28,046
When I first saw it,
it looked like a ghost behind the woman.

467
00:42:28,130 --> 00:42:31,717
Why is there a woman behind her?

468
00:42:31,800 --> 00:42:36,805
When I looked, she looked
to have a white uniform and white hair.

469
00:42:36,888 --> 00:42:41,810
I realized that she is probably the housekeeper,
the maid, the staff.

470
00:42:41,893 --> 00:42:47,274
She probably holds the woman upright
because the woman has polio.

471
00:42:47,357 --> 00:42:51,278
She could not stand,
and they were ashamed of it.

472
00:42:51,360 --> 00:42:55,532
They try to hide it.
They do everything they can to hide it.

473
00:42:55,615 --> 00:43:00,412
People will keep their weaknesses
and vulnerabilities private.

474
00:43:00,495 --> 00:43:03,706
We paint a picture we want people to see.

475
00:43:03,790 --> 00:43:08,211
We create an image of ourselves
that we want people to see.

476
00:43:08,295 --> 00:43:14,009
The most beautiful and fascinating pictures
is not the idyllic version.

477
00:43:14,092 --> 00:43:19,514
They are the ones who show our shortcomings
and tells a more complete story.

478
00:43:25,562 --> 00:43:29,274
Bowel cancer responds well to medicine.

479
00:43:29,399 --> 00:43:35,655
The cancer often returns. Not in the fourth
stage, but in the first, second and third.

480
00:43:35,739 --> 00:43:41,620
It feels like you've won, but then
it comes back, much more aggressive.

481
00:43:41,703 --> 00:43:46,666
It spreads faster, does not respond
on medication and you die quickly.

482
00:43:46,750 --> 00:43:49,503
I responded well to the chemotherapy,

483
00:43:49,586 --> 00:43:54,132
from December or January
a year ago and until after the summer.

484
00:43:54,216 --> 00:43:59,471
They had to reduce the chemotherapy
because I had too few platelets.

485
00:43:59,596 --> 00:44:02,516
I went eight weeks without chemotherapy.

486
00:44:02,599 --> 00:44:08,647
The hair started to grow back,
but it feels like someone else's hair.

487
00:44:08,730 --> 00:44:12,275
It's thinner and darker than my hair.

488
00:44:12,359 --> 00:44:15,696
It is bushy, thin and straight.

489
00:44:15,779 --> 00:44:18,782
It's strange that it grows back like that.

490
00:44:18,865 --> 00:44:23,870
A guy in the Midwest is probably losing his hair
and wonder who will find it.

491
00:44:23,954 --> 00:44:27,206
It's me, I'll get your hair. Thanks.

492
00:44:27,290 --> 00:44:30,293
The hair grows back, but so does the cancer.

493
00:44:30,377 --> 00:44:36,550
The fresher I look,
I am probably the sicker now.

494
00:44:36,633 --> 00:44:42,889
People say, "You look so healthy." "Yes,
but the cancer is back in the liver again."

495
00:44:42,973 --> 00:44:48,770
"Feel here, and you'll feel the tumor."
People don't like to do it for lunch.

496
00:44:50,813 --> 00:44:54,109
Okay, we're on our way to the hospital

497
00:44:54,192 --> 00:44:58,363
so I can take the scan
I take every three months.

498
00:44:58,447 --> 00:45:01,533
Janice, do you have anything to add?

499
00:45:01,616 --> 00:45:08,498
I go for pure positivity
and that there will be good news.

500
00:45:08,581 --> 00:45:14,421
- She gives you a prize.
-Good news and a prize.

501
00:45:18,091 --> 00:45:24,431
I took the scan. Two days later
rang my phone while I was showering.

502
00:45:24,514 --> 00:45:27,809
A message was from the oncologist.

503
00:45:27,893 --> 00:45:33,273
The first line of the message was:
"The scan was a disappointment."

504
00:45:33,357 --> 00:45:36,193
I thought, "Damn too."

505
00:45:36,276 --> 00:45:43,533
What is on the lungs is very little.
The largest mass is seven millimeters.

506
00:45:43,617 --> 00:45:49,915
I would say the majority
is between two and three millimeters.

507
00:45:49,998 --> 00:45:54,961
The liver is the most worrying thing now.

508
00:45:55,045 --> 00:45:59,424
The oncologist gave us an impression of

509
00:45:59,549 --> 00:46:03,679
that the spread to the lungs
and the adrenal glands were not so worrisome

510
00:46:03,762 --> 00:46:09,226
as what they call "the innumerable tumors"
in his liver.

511
00:46:10,811 --> 00:46:17,609
When a scientist uses the expression
"countless", it is frightening.

512
00:46:46,847 --> 00:46:51,851
All my scans have been ok.
Everything has gone well.

513
00:46:51,935 --> 00:46:54,604
Suddenly, disaster strikes.

514
00:46:54,688 --> 00:46:59,192
My first instinct was:
"Surely we can stick around and do something?"

515
00:47:04,239 --> 00:47:09,536
It was logical to drive. We could leave
San Francisco for the first time in years.

516
00:47:09,619 --> 00:47:14,331
We could see a lot
of the country I had never been to.

517
00:47:14,416 --> 00:47:20,589
Most would go to Paris
and Nice and ate pizza in Naples.

518
00:47:20,672 --> 00:47:24,885
Instead, we saw a lot of nothing.

519
00:47:25,010 --> 00:47:27,763
I love nothing.

520
00:47:28,805 --> 00:47:32,351
And I wanted to spend some time with Lee.

521
00:47:34,895 --> 00:47:39,191
A girl from high school died
when a mattress flew off the car in front.

522
00:47:39,274 --> 00:47:44,196
She died beautifully. That thought, you know.

523
00:47:44,279 --> 00:47:48,367
You want to leave behind a nice corpse.
I'm on board with that.

524
00:47:48,450 --> 00:47:53,705
You can still fuck my corpse,
but not...

525
00:47:53,789 --> 00:47:59,418
When I lose weight from the chemotherapy,
I want to look better and better.

526
00:47:59,503 --> 00:48:02,089
I'm looking forward to that.

527
00:48:05,342 --> 00:48:11,639
We drove for hours and came to a dead end
seabed, a desert in the middle of no man's land.

528
00:48:11,723 --> 00:48:15,268
We could do whatever the hell we wanted.

529
00:48:17,312 --> 00:48:19,940
My God.

530
00:48:21,191 --> 00:48:24,277
Yes, well.

531
00:48:24,360 --> 00:48:29,658
- Well, then?
- We take some drugs.

532
00:48:29,741 --> 00:48:35,330
I've probably never been further from
a city in my whole life.

533
00:48:35,414 --> 00:48:37,749
It's nothing.

534
00:48:39,418 --> 00:48:43,547
The first thing I noticed was the silence.

535
00:48:45,048 --> 00:48:47,967
I don't know how
I will describe it.

536
00:48:48,051 --> 00:48:52,639
I have never experienced such silence before.

537
00:48:57,436 --> 00:49:02,733
For the first time, perhaps in my entire life,
I was alone with my thoughts.

538
00:49:04,109 --> 00:49:10,032
And all the emptiness. It got me
of course to think about death.

539
00:49:12,034 --> 00:49:17,539
I expect death to be emptiness,
and I have never felt so empty.

540
00:49:19,791 --> 00:49:23,045
I cry at the beauty, my friend.

541
00:49:28,592 --> 00:49:31,219
We just had a good time.

542
00:49:32,721 --> 00:49:35,724
I ate some mushrooms. We sat around the fire.

543
00:49:37,684 --> 00:49:40,479
All the tensions disappeared.

544
00:49:41,521 --> 00:49:47,485
He and I were sitting in the middle of no man's land
under the Milky Way and had a good time.

545
00:49:54,784 --> 00:50:01,625
I wish I could feel this
all the time. That I could feel without fear.

546
00:50:01,708 --> 00:50:07,964
The fear is probably back in ten seconds,
but the feeling of…

547
00:50:08,924 --> 00:50:13,053
"I'm fine. I'm fine."

548
00:50:15,889 --> 00:50:22,145
It's hard to hold on to the fear,
for I try to force it away.

549
00:50:25,816 --> 00:50:29,110
I start using my tricks.

550
00:50:31,405 --> 00:50:35,033
It is strange to dwell on the fear.

551
00:50:38,787 --> 00:50:44,209
I am not afraid, as many are, to die.

552
00:50:47,921 --> 00:50:52,217
I worry about those I leave behind.

553
00:51:24,291 --> 00:51:27,377
What I have called this,

554
00:51:27,461 --> 00:51:33,050
is a work, not necessarily a TV commercial,
but it may be,

555
00:51:33,175 --> 00:51:40,474
which encourages a colonoscopy.

556
00:51:40,557 --> 00:51:43,685
It's a kind of redemption for me.

557
00:51:43,769 --> 00:51:48,690
Using my skills,
contacts, people and tools

558
00:51:48,815 --> 00:51:51,568
to actually save lives.

559
00:51:59,951 --> 00:52:02,871
ADVERTISING AGENCY MECHANISM
ANDRÉ'S PREVIOUS JOB

560
00:52:02,954 --> 00:52:08,293
We know you're a bragging pope,
an annoying bastard and an idiot.

561
00:52:08,377 --> 00:52:11,213
What happened to you,
didn't have to happen.

562
00:52:11,296 --> 00:52:17,344
We will create a campaign to encourage
people to have a colonoscopy by 45.

563
00:52:17,427 --> 00:52:19,513
Idea one.

564
00:52:22,014 --> 00:52:27,688
We will try to break down all barriers
in the minds of men and women.

565
00:52:27,771 --> 00:52:32,901
We have some clients
with whom we believe we can cooperate.

566
00:52:32,984 --> 00:52:35,445
Like a first date?

567
00:52:35,529 --> 00:52:40,534
-OkCupid lets us create scandalous…
-What a first date!

568
00:52:40,617 --> 00:52:45,414
We have cherry-cleft,
grapefruit butt and pineapple butt.

569
00:52:45,497 --> 00:52:50,418
-Where's the butt juice?
-Here. Good question.

570
00:52:50,502 --> 00:52:52,921
I'm glad you asked.

571
00:52:53,005 --> 00:52:59,803
I want to have a colonoscopy of my colon

572
00:52:59,886 --> 00:53:05,642
There are buttholes everywhere. We had
an idea to make informational posters

573
00:53:05,726 --> 00:53:10,647
that reminds you to have a colonoscopy.

574
00:53:10,731 --> 00:53:15,235
- All of them are wonderful.
- Everyone is wonderful.

575
00:53:15,360 --> 00:53:19,572
The butthole idea is awesome,
great fun and fits well.

576
00:53:19,656 --> 00:53:23,034
I love that it's a reminder.

577
00:53:23,118 --> 00:53:28,331
You are reminded when you look
a butthole, that one should have a colonoscopy.

578
00:53:28,415 --> 00:53:31,418
Or something resembling a butthole.

579
00:53:36,380 --> 00:53:38,675
THE KILLER IN ME

580
00:53:43,889 --> 00:53:46,558
I'm moving out to go to college.

581
00:53:48,601 --> 00:53:54,775
I grew up here, and the family lives here,
but I don't know if I'm moving home.

582
00:53:59,613 --> 00:54:02,532
He was diagnosed at stage four,

583
00:54:02,616 --> 00:54:07,329
and they are not stupid
and googled more than we asked them to.

584
00:54:07,412 --> 00:54:14,378
He does not want to show that he is sick,
weak or afraid. He will not frighten them.

585
00:54:17,255 --> 00:54:21,551
I'm not honest enough
to the children about how sick I am.

586
00:54:21,635 --> 00:54:27,099
When I'm lying on the couch, looking dead,
am pale and haven't gotten up all day.

587
00:54:27,182 --> 00:54:32,354
Then I say: "You see side effects
of the medicine, not the cancer."

588
00:54:32,437 --> 00:54:35,315
But that is not always true.

589
00:54:36,733 --> 00:54:40,904
Okay. You don't get a hug, so fuck it.

590
00:54:40,987 --> 00:54:47,119
- Have a nice day. Do you want a hug?
- No, it's strange. We don't do that.

591
00:54:47,202 --> 00:54:50,914
Call if you need anything.
Send SMS. I don't take phone calls.

592
00:54:50,997 --> 00:54:55,585
Okay, I wish
I could join. See you.

593
00:55:04,344 --> 00:55:07,973
Okay, there they go.

594
00:55:12,894 --> 00:55:17,941
You may have noticed
that my eyelashes are unusually long.

595
00:55:18,025 --> 00:55:23,697
It is a side effect of one of the medicines,
but the eyelashes are terrifying.

596
00:55:23,780 --> 00:55:27,951
They are monstrous.
I look like Snuffleupagus.

597
00:55:29,578 --> 00:55:33,623
I brush them. My daughter Delilah gave
gave me a brush and taught me how to use it.

598
00:55:33,706 --> 00:55:38,003
-Open them a little.
- Like that?

599
00:55:38,086 --> 00:55:42,382
Tell your friends to do this
with their fathers.

600
00:55:42,466 --> 00:55:46,678
- Yes, that's nice.
- Very nice. Yes.

601
00:55:50,307 --> 00:55:53,851
My God, beautiful.

602
00:55:55,228 --> 00:56:00,233
I love the attention, but they are
dangerous. I can't drive at night.

603
00:56:00,317 --> 00:56:05,322
I can't do anything.
I don't see. I trust you.

604
00:56:07,574 --> 00:56:13,497
-You can see.
-Yes. Doctor, what happened to my life?

605
00:56:13,580 --> 00:56:20,337
- I used to be a normal man.
-Still, but at a different stage.

606
00:56:20,420 --> 00:56:23,799
TWO YEARS AFTER THE DIAGNOSIS
50 ROUNDS OF CELL POISON

607
00:56:23,882 --> 00:56:29,971
My oncologist found that the cancer cells
no longer affected by the chemotherapy.

608
00:56:30,055 --> 00:56:36,061
It was so effective last year.
They wanted to try radiation therapy.

609
00:56:36,144 --> 00:56:39,272
I met the butt lady at the hospital.

610
00:56:39,356 --> 00:56:43,652
She was lively,
lovely and good at his job.

611
00:56:43,735 --> 00:56:49,825
She said, “To do this
do I need to tape your balls."

612
00:56:49,908 --> 00:56:54,871
"We put a sticker over the anus,
so that it is not exposed to radiation."

613
00:56:54,955 --> 00:56:58,625
"Then you won't get blisters on the anus."

614
00:57:00,918 --> 00:57:03,255
I was going back the next day.

615
00:57:03,338 --> 00:57:08,260
On the way we passed my polling station.
It was on election day.

616
00:57:08,342 --> 00:57:12,222
Janice had become a citizen,
so we agreed.

617
00:57:12,305 --> 00:57:18,353
We got "I voted" stickers,
and I kept mine. I got an idea.

618
00:57:18,437 --> 00:57:23,859
"It would be fun if we came to
the hospital, and I put it over the anus."

619
00:57:23,942 --> 00:57:30,323
To brag about having voted,
and a reminder of how embarrassing it is.

620
00:57:30,407 --> 00:57:34,828
It would have been a fun surprise.
I go into the room and put on my shirt.

621
00:57:34,911 --> 00:57:39,499
I had the sticker in front,
but hesitated at the last minute.

622
00:57:39,583 --> 00:57:46,256
Maybe I sexualized the situation,
so the radiologist could become uncomfortable.

623
00:57:46,340 --> 00:57:50,635
Five years ago I would not have hesitated,
but I hesitated.

624
00:57:50,719 --> 00:57:57,309
It would be very humiliating,
for the guy who took my MRI,

625
00:57:57,392 --> 00:58:01,813
wasn't the funny, calm,
the normal nurse from the day before.

626
00:58:01,897 --> 00:58:06,693
He was a moody guy who didn't smile
only once all the time.

627
00:58:06,777 --> 00:58:11,239
I thought, "Thank God I didn't
has 'I've voted' on my ass now."

628
00:58:23,710 --> 00:58:29,091
I have had chemotherapy just over 50 times.
It makes me tired and irritable.

629
00:58:29,216 --> 00:58:33,887
I'll be an asshole for a few days,
but I've learned to deal with it.

630
00:58:33,970 --> 00:58:36,139
I can't handle radiotherapy.

631
00:58:39,851 --> 00:58:45,023
The side effects got worse and worse.
I lost nine kilos.

632
00:58:45,107 --> 00:58:52,406
I had terrible stomach cramps.
I could sleep for a maximum of half an hour at a time.

633
00:58:52,489 --> 00:58:57,953
For two weeks. It was pure torture.
It's been hell.

634
00:59:00,414 --> 00:59:06,878
It is the first time I experience physically
and emotional pain.

635
00:59:13,635 --> 00:59:18,140
I don't know what to write
to you. "Hey, how are you?"

636
00:59:18,265 --> 00:59:21,768
When I call, you answer like this:

637
00:59:21,852 --> 00:59:27,107
"Hey, how are you?" No matter what.

638
00:59:27,190 --> 00:59:31,153
"Yeah, I've been stung
in the throat, and the bottom bleeds. And you?"

639
00:59:31,236 --> 00:59:35,323
-"It's better than 20 minutes ago."
-Be sure to be funny.

640
00:59:35,407 --> 00:59:40,912
That's fine, but sometimes I want…
I liked the text message that was…

641
00:59:40,996 --> 00:59:44,499
- Unhappy.
- I didn't like it, but it was real.

642
00:59:44,583 --> 00:59:50,964
I am talking to the therapist about this.
No one says, "Don't laugh at the situation."

643
00:59:51,048 --> 00:59:54,509
Of course I have
difficult psychologically.

644
00:59:54,593 --> 00:59:58,805
Now, fortunately, I have an outlet within myself.

645
00:59:58,930 --> 01:00:03,977
I don't laugh at other people with bowel cancer
or others going through this.

646
01:00:04,102 --> 01:00:06,855
To me it feels easier.

647
01:00:06,938 --> 01:00:12,027
If one day I get an ostomy bag,
there will be endless jokes.

648
01:00:12,110 --> 01:00:16,365
- They are already written.
-And there will be funny jokes.

649
01:00:16,448 --> 01:00:20,452
We're going to have fun.
It becomes disgusting and disgusting.

650
01:00:20,535 --> 01:00:25,374
We're going to do it, and I'm looking forward to it.

651
01:00:25,457 --> 01:00:31,755
It's because I'm not looking forward
to poop in a bag around the body.

652
01:00:31,838 --> 01:00:36,468
Do you understand? The advantage is
that we get to tell all the jokes.

653
01:00:36,551 --> 01:00:42,265
I can bring it out at a restaurant
and play on it like a balloon.

654
01:00:42,349 --> 01:00:47,187
- It might stink if you do that.
- All the better.

655
01:00:48,438 --> 01:00:54,986
Is cancer starting to get less fun?
Yes, but it should be more fun now.

656
01:00:55,070 --> 01:00:58,490
The worse it gets, the merrier.

657
01:00:58,573 --> 01:01:02,577
It's one thing to feel good
and fool around with the radiologist.

658
01:01:02,661 --> 01:01:08,125
It's another thing if you look dying,
feeling dying and shit on you

659
01:01:08,208 --> 01:01:13,463
and still kidding. It's a victory.
That's how you beat cancer.

660
01:01:16,133 --> 01:01:22,973
What happens if you, in a few months
or years, really is dying?

661
01:01:23,056 --> 01:01:29,396
You can't get out of bed, you're in pain,
it's not fun and you want to drop.

662
01:01:29,479 --> 01:01:35,110
Can I not drink drain cleaner?
An assisted suicide with a drain cleaner.

663
01:01:35,193 --> 01:01:40,574
Instead of donating the body to
science, it goes to TV. Can I do that?

664
01:01:40,657 --> 01:01:44,536
-Donate your body to TV?
-Instead of research.

665
01:01:44,619 --> 01:01:50,876
You can donate your body to research,
but you can't donate it to TV.

666
01:01:50,959 --> 01:01:56,757
-How do you donate your body to TV?
- I don't know, maybe they need a corpse.

667
01:01:56,840 --> 01:02:02,971
So if you want to die accordingly
to the official guidelines,

668
01:02:03,055 --> 01:02:06,433
you are expected to donate
your body for research?

669
01:02:06,516 --> 01:02:11,438
It is probably expected.
You can say that you want to become an organ donor.

670
01:02:11,521 --> 01:02:16,860
Or you can donate your body to research.
No one raises an eyebrow. It is legal.

671
01:02:16,943 --> 01:02:23,825
-Once again, André does it his way.
-Research has enough bodies, right?

672
01:02:23,909 --> 01:02:29,164
I am not suggesting that you be buried
conventionally in a cemetery.

673
01:02:29,247 --> 01:02:31,291
I'm not saying that.

674
01:02:31,375 --> 01:02:37,172
- I haven't decided.
-When will you make the important decisions?

675
01:02:37,255 --> 01:02:41,343
I am not in favor of a normal funeral.
I suck at that.

676
01:02:41,426 --> 01:02:44,429
I am not against cremation,

677
01:02:44,513 --> 01:02:50,185
but then I want a funeral pyre on a field,
where you just set me on fire.

678
01:02:51,561 --> 01:02:55,565
They have sent people's ashes out
in the room. I like that.

679
01:02:55,649 --> 01:03:01,822
I want to send my whole body into space,
but it is more expensive because of the weight.

680
01:03:03,365 --> 01:03:09,079
But drifting around for 50,000 years, or
a million years, would be amazing.

681
01:03:11,540 --> 01:03:17,546
When I have talked about life
and death with you all my life,

682
01:03:17,629 --> 01:03:21,842
we go back and forth between
the absurd and the real.

683
01:03:21,925 --> 01:03:27,180
- But now it's real.
- It's real.

684
01:03:27,264 --> 01:03:31,309
André hesitated
to ask me to sit in front of the camera.

685
01:03:31,393 --> 01:03:35,605
I'd be happy to do it. I am private,
but not as much as my father.

686
01:03:38,066 --> 01:03:42,112
My father is one of the most
private people in the world.

687
01:03:42,195 --> 01:03:47,868
He never wanted to be in front of the camera
and discuss their illness and weakness.

688
01:03:47,951 --> 01:03:52,247
I respect that. I understand
who he is and why he doesn't want to.

689
01:03:52,330 --> 01:03:58,920
This crazy, vulnerable, black humor.

690
01:03:59,004 --> 01:04:05,677
The project of showing everything
goes completely against who he is.

691
01:04:05,761 --> 01:04:12,893
To be in a movie he didn't
controls, is unthinkable to him.

692
01:04:12,976 --> 01:04:15,979
André knows better than to ask him.

693
01:04:16,063 --> 01:04:21,735
When he was asked
if he wanted to be in the movie,

694
01:04:21,818 --> 01:04:23,862
he said, "I'd rather have chemotherapy."

695
01:04:36,500 --> 01:04:40,295
ANDRÉ'S FATHER, PLAYED BY TOMMY CHONG

696
01:04:42,631 --> 01:04:46,468
ACTOR AND COMEDIAN,
SURVIVORS OF COLON CANCER

697
01:04:46,551 --> 01:04:52,057
The solution was of course
to ask Tommy Chong to play his father.

698
01:04:52,140 --> 01:04:57,104
He looks just like him and could
not been more different as a person.

699
01:05:06,488 --> 01:05:08,615
BEST FATHER IN THE WORLD

700
01:05:08,699 --> 01:05:15,205
-Is it weakness to be vulnerable?
- No, it's strength. It is strong.

701
01:05:15,288 --> 01:05:18,542
Being vulnerable is being real.

702
01:05:18,625 --> 01:05:23,880
If you were my father,
the conversation would be different.

703
01:05:23,964 --> 01:05:27,092
I had to figure out so much myself.

704
01:05:27,175 --> 01:05:32,764
André probably really appreciates it
on what his father has given him.

705
01:05:32,848 --> 01:05:35,267
But it was "reverse-Dad" day.

706
01:06:04,713 --> 01:06:08,508
I make every problem a joke.

707
01:06:08,592 --> 01:06:13,138
It is a philosophy of life.
Buddha should have said that.

708
01:06:13,263 --> 01:06:18,852
He probably did.
I think he got it somewhere.

709
01:06:18,935 --> 01:06:25,734
Yes, it's... It's a philosophy.
I've been doing it all my life.

710
01:06:25,817 --> 01:06:29,946
If I can laugh it off and get others
to laugh at it, how bad can it be?

711
01:06:35,494 --> 01:06:40,665
I don't want to infantilize André,
but to provide care

712
01:06:40,749 --> 01:06:46,171
is very similar to the responsibility
by having an infant again.

713
01:06:46,254 --> 01:06:49,841
He is not an infant.
He would kill me if I told him.

714
01:06:49,925 --> 01:06:55,305
But to make snacks, try to get some
to eat, regular eruptions.

715
01:06:55,389 --> 01:06:59,017
It's not much of a game. It's a hospital.

716
01:06:59,142 --> 01:07:04,564
Hi, can you help me order
a paracentesis appointment for my husband?

717
01:07:04,648 --> 01:07:09,945
-Yes, to Mr. Ricciardi?
- Yes, he is already a regular customer.

718
01:07:10,028 --> 01:07:13,949
It is satisfying to help.

719
01:07:14,032 --> 01:07:17,494
I loved it with the kids.
I'm good at it.

720
01:07:22,791 --> 01:07:26,586
I'm going to pick up three prescriptions
to André Ricciardi.

721
01:07:26,670 --> 01:07:33,343
- Andre? He has six.
-Six? How lucky he is. Then I'll take them all.

722
01:07:33,427 --> 01:07:37,014
So it, it and it belong together?

723
01:07:37,097 --> 01:07:41,768
When it says "number, two",
so does it belong to the set? Okay.

724
01:07:41,893 --> 01:07:45,188
Thank you for half your day. Have it.

725
01:07:53,196 --> 01:07:57,868
Last night he lay there,
and I brought a peach or something.

726
01:07:57,951 --> 01:08:02,289
He said, "I'd be dead now,
had it not been for you."

727
01:08:02,372 --> 01:08:04,833
I said, "The same."

728
01:08:04,916 --> 01:08:09,671
“You hadn't been dead, you just had
had less food and didn't get a ride."

729
01:08:09,755 --> 01:08:14,468
He said, "No, you take such good care of me."

730
01:08:14,551 --> 01:08:20,223
“I don't know what to do
without you. You make me so happy."

731
01:08:20,307 --> 01:08:22,434
It was huge for me.

732
01:08:23,143 --> 01:08:28,857
I had been lying on the sofa for weeks,
and Janice had done damn it all.

733
01:08:28,940 --> 01:08:32,444
She drives me everywhere.

734
01:08:32,527 --> 01:08:38,241
I think that Janice's experience
of what is happening is different than mine.

735
01:08:38,325 --> 01:08:41,912
It is easier to be a patient than a carer.

736
01:08:41,995 --> 01:08:47,042
It's not that bad.
I just make snacks.

737
01:08:47,125 --> 01:08:51,963
It's more than snacks,
and you carry the heavy load.

738
01:08:52,047 --> 01:08:58,553
You carry so much of my burden
and my pain on your shoulders.

739
01:09:00,222 --> 01:09:05,102
And it's not easy.

740
01:09:05,185 --> 01:09:07,354
Well…

741
01:09:07,437 --> 01:09:14,695
He is much more vulnerable now,
something he had never wanted.

742
01:09:14,778 --> 01:09:19,533
But he is vulnerable on purpose,
which is a big surprise.

743
01:09:24,079 --> 01:09:30,627
I feel like an overworked,
stressed character in a stupid 90s movie

744
01:09:30,711 --> 01:09:35,757
who suffers a traumatic brain injury
or cancer and becomes a whole person.

745
01:09:35,841 --> 01:09:41,763
Falling in love with his wife at last,
or realizing he had everything he needed.

746
01:10:27,267 --> 01:10:33,315
I hate movies like that.
but still I experience it.

747
01:10:33,398 --> 01:10:39,154
Okay, we can do this.
Let's put on a mask.

748
01:10:40,322 --> 01:10:43,867
We tell a lot of jokes.
Who the hell cares?

749
01:10:45,035 --> 01:10:47,954
That is the right attitude.

750
01:10:54,586 --> 01:10:59,966
I think, “He has bad ones
symptoms now, but we will solve that."

751
01:11:00,050 --> 01:11:03,512
"Then he has normal cancer again."

752
01:11:03,595 --> 01:11:07,099
Normal cancer was easy in retrospect.

753
01:11:07,182 --> 01:11:10,477
But this shit is disgusting.

754
01:11:11,561 --> 01:11:14,690
ONE HOUR LATER

755
01:11:17,234 --> 01:11:22,781
-Okay, are you okay?
- Yes, then.

756
01:11:22,906 --> 01:11:26,493
It was pretty bad news, but…

757
01:11:28,286 --> 01:11:30,706
Well…

758
01:11:30,789 --> 01:11:35,627
-Clinical trials mean...
- I know, Janice, but I'm dying.

759
01:11:35,711 --> 01:11:39,965
The situation is that I am dying.

760
01:11:40,048 --> 01:11:43,135
We have to realize that.

761
01:11:43,218 --> 01:11:46,763
- No thanks.
-Excuse me?

762
01:11:51,935 --> 01:11:57,107
I'm fine, Janice.
It's going well. We have plenty of time.

763
01:11:57,190 --> 01:12:03,030
- Yes, thank you.
- We have plenty of time.

764
01:12:03,113 --> 01:12:07,868
Good work. Okay, see you in a while.

765
01:12:16,126 --> 01:12:21,173
The other day he was sitting
on the sofa with his head in his hand.

766
01:12:21,298 --> 01:12:26,553
He said, "I don't want to continue."

767
01:12:26,636 --> 01:12:31,099
I started saying, "Come on, one more day."

768
01:12:31,183 --> 01:12:36,980
“Let's put one foot in front of the other.
You can do this.”

769
01:12:37,064 --> 01:12:43,070
He looked up, had the phone in his hand
and said, "I mean the game."

770
01:12:44,821 --> 01:12:49,910
We found a doctor in Italy
who claims he is all set

771
01:12:49,993 --> 01:12:54,081
to perform a head transplant
between two people.

772
01:12:55,707 --> 01:12:58,377
His work is controversial.

773
01:12:58,460 --> 01:13:04,257
Are you going to put my head on another
body, so don't put it on a 30-year-old.

774
01:13:04,341 --> 01:13:10,764
Put it on a 10-year-old, so I have
20 extra years to live and amuse myself.

775
01:13:10,847 --> 01:13:14,850
I would like to go
to Italy and meet him

776
01:13:14,935 --> 01:13:20,732
and at least get a consultation,
but I am too ill to go to Italy.

777
01:13:20,816 --> 01:13:24,528
And what I realized was

778
01:13:24,611 --> 01:13:28,990
that time passes,
and I get sicker and sicker.

779
01:13:29,116 --> 01:13:32,493
If I'm going to do something, it's immediately.

780
01:13:32,577 --> 01:13:37,082
It's a terrifying realization.

781
01:13:37,165 --> 01:13:40,836
I would rather transplant
my head into a boy's body.

782
01:13:47,466 --> 01:13:54,725
One of the reasons why my last
health problems make Janice so worried,

783
01:13:54,808 --> 01:13:57,978
is how they manifest physically.

784
01:13:58,061 --> 01:14:02,441
My stomach fills with liquid
because my liver is failing.

785
01:14:02,524 --> 01:14:07,154
Without the physical signs
who constantly reminds her of that,

786
01:14:07,237 --> 01:14:13,160
is it just the behavior again,
and I'm good at keeping a mask.

787
01:14:13,243 --> 01:14:17,664
The problem is that it is more difficult
to lie about it now.

788
01:14:19,374 --> 01:14:24,463
Hello, Peter. Are you surprised
over hearing my voice?

789
01:14:24,546 --> 01:14:30,218
- I am overjoyed to hear it.
-Oh, my God. Where the hell have you been?

790
01:14:30,301 --> 01:14:36,600
- I have tried to be available.
- I know that. I'm just kidding.

791
01:14:36,683 --> 01:14:43,690
It's been bloody hard, Peter.
We have entered the next phase of cancer.

792
01:14:43,774 --> 01:14:50,739
I met a wonderful nurse,
like the butt doctor.

793
01:14:50,822 --> 01:14:54,408
She told me to relax
in the other sphincter.

794
01:14:54,493 --> 01:14:58,580
It is very compact,
and much of the blood comes from there.

795
01:14:58,663 --> 01:15:02,959
I am trying to do that and…

796
01:15:03,042 --> 01:15:08,715
The last month and a half,
while the girls have been here,

797
01:15:08,799 --> 01:15:14,012
have the girls eaten with mom in the kitchen,
and I've been lying on the sofa fooling around.

798
01:15:14,096 --> 01:15:17,724
You know, I participate like I used to.

799
01:15:17,808 --> 01:15:22,938
It is obvious that I cannot
do everything i used to do.

800
01:15:23,021 --> 01:15:28,819
I'm not fooling anyone, but I feel
a need to behave like that.

801
01:15:29,861 --> 01:15:33,031
When I can't make Tallula laugh anymore,

802
01:15:33,156 --> 01:15:37,618
then I have crossed the line
and is no longer needed here.

803
01:15:37,703 --> 01:15:44,126
I don't know what I think about it.
On the one hand, I understand. It is...

804
01:15:44,209 --> 01:15:50,132
Don't you make Tallula laugh anymore,
then you are not the same André anymore.

805
01:15:50,215 --> 01:15:56,680
But you still feel
a need to make me laugh.

806
01:15:57,514 --> 01:16:04,438
I think you are more
than your irreverent humor.

807
01:16:05,814 --> 01:16:11,528
Part of your process is to relax.

808
01:16:12,612 --> 01:16:17,033
-You mean my second sphincter?
-Yes.

809
01:16:17,117 --> 01:16:22,497
Sorry, I'm not kidding
when you tell me to stop joking.

810
01:16:22,581 --> 01:16:24,916
I understand.

811
01:16:25,000 --> 01:16:32,174
You are right. I think it's about time
to be honest about how bad it is.

812
01:16:33,300 --> 01:16:37,637
I am trying to write a work
until the end of the movie,

813
01:16:37,721 --> 01:16:43,393
to sum up where i am,
and what happens.

814
01:16:43,477 --> 01:16:46,563
I don't know what it will be.

815
01:16:46,646 --> 01:16:51,943
It's fascinating.
It's strange to sit and write...

816
01:16:53,362 --> 01:16:59,242
That message, the last broadcast.

817
01:16:59,326 --> 01:17:04,706
But it also compels me
to think about a lot of this.

818
01:17:04,790 --> 01:17:11,755
It's so hard to see pain on your face
on the ones I love. Do you understand?

819
01:17:11,838 --> 01:17:17,260
It's so hard for me not to feel…

820
01:17:17,344 --> 01:17:22,432
It's not that I'm failing them. I
don't want them to suffer, but they have to.

821
01:17:22,515 --> 01:17:29,564
I know they will suffer,
but they must not do so today.

822
01:17:29,648 --> 01:17:33,151
-And...
- Well...

823
01:17:33,234 --> 01:17:39,908
I actually think so
that one of the gifts you give your daughters,

824
01:17:39,991 --> 01:17:46,415
is the opportunity to mourn his father,
that it is not destructive.

825
01:17:46,498 --> 01:17:51,962
If it goes well, it's a powerful,
deepening process.

826
01:17:54,006 --> 01:17:57,134
I don't know...

827
01:17:57,216 --> 01:18:02,681
It's sad, isn't it?
Be generous and let them be sorry.

828
01:18:02,764 --> 01:18:05,934
You are right.

829
01:18:06,018 --> 01:18:12,983
That's the thing. That's what you have to remember.
"Be generous and let them be sad."

830
01:18:13,066 --> 01:18:16,987
-Just.
- It's difficult. Very difficult.

831
01:18:17,070 --> 01:18:19,865
I know it's hard for you.

832
01:19:22,219 --> 01:19:25,806
Ouch. How do old people do this?

833
01:19:25,889 --> 01:19:29,975
Isn't there an iPhone app for this?

834
01:19:30,060 --> 01:19:36,191
Some of the tablets
I don't take it every day. The same thing.

835
01:19:36,274 --> 01:19:38,777
Rules are for rule-followers.

836
01:19:38,859 --> 01:19:41,947
I don't want to. It doesn't feel good.

837
01:19:42,030 --> 01:19:46,785
Taking two huge potassium pills
during the day feels like too much.

838
01:19:46,868 --> 01:19:51,164
Do I need that much potassium? Does anyone do that?

839
01:19:51,248 --> 01:19:54,167
I take it for granted.

840
01:19:59,506 --> 01:20:01,550
I hoped to suffocate.

841
01:20:01,633 --> 01:20:05,721
It looks like hydrocodone, but it
isn't it. What a bloody disappointment.

842
01:20:05,804 --> 01:20:09,725
I usually smoke a weed pipe
at 7 as part of the medicine.

843
01:20:14,104 --> 01:20:16,523
Much better.

844
01:20:34,666 --> 01:20:38,086
- Do you want, Stelio?
- No thanks.

845
01:20:39,254 --> 01:20:42,424
Honestly, if André became completely…

846
01:20:43,675 --> 01:20:47,387
...sincere, heartfelt and serious...

847
01:20:48,430 --> 01:20:53,018
...around cancer and death all the time...

848
01:20:54,144 --> 01:20:58,732
...then we wouldn't have dealt with him.
It's not him.

849
01:21:03,153 --> 01:21:08,367
Hi Tee.
Can you check the cupboard for Skittles?

850
01:21:08,450 --> 01:21:10,618
THREE YEARS AND TWO MONTHS
SINCE THE DIAGNOSIS

851
01:21:18,417 --> 01:21:22,381
I have a hole in my hand.

852
01:21:22,506 --> 01:21:27,511
I have tried to find the best hole
to hide Skittles in. That's probably it.

853
01:21:28,762 --> 01:21:31,056
I can probably do better then.

854
01:21:36,395 --> 01:21:37,646
Well done!

855
01:21:40,857 --> 01:21:44,069
I just want to make people laugh.

856
01:21:45,612 --> 01:21:51,158
I want to make people feel good
in bad times.

857
01:21:53,662 --> 01:21:57,416
Beginning the new classes
today or tomorrow?

858
01:21:57,499 --> 01:22:01,211
No, I haven't chosen anyone yet.

859
01:22:02,212 --> 01:22:07,175
- I'm only going to take one subject.
-Just one, so you can meet me?

860
01:22:07,300 --> 01:22:10,971
-And the holes in my hand?
-Yes.

861
01:22:15,517 --> 01:22:21,148
Thanks. I appreciate you cutting back
on the schedule to have time for me.

862
01:22:21,231 --> 01:22:25,277
That's sweet of you. Yes.

863
01:22:28,238 --> 01:22:32,492
- See you later.
- Have it, love you.

864
01:22:38,832 --> 01:22:42,669
I haven't found the right way

865
01:22:42,794 --> 01:22:47,758
to be a calming force on
with this new forecast.

866
01:22:49,343 --> 01:22:51,386
I don't know how...

867
01:23:01,063 --> 01:23:03,774
I guess I just...

868
01:23:05,567 --> 01:23:10,322
...taken out a lot of grief beforehand.

869
01:23:10,405 --> 01:23:14,451
And now

870
01:23:14,533 --> 01:23:17,371
does it really happen.

871
01:23:18,747 --> 01:23:25,712
My cheerleader-like hopeful
denial no longer fits.

872
01:23:27,506 --> 01:23:31,051
Telling someone it's going to be okay…

873
01:23:32,803 --> 01:23:38,350
...is the natural way
to comfort someone.

874
01:23:38,433 --> 01:23:41,978
But it doesn't.

875
01:23:42,062 --> 01:23:46,733
So... So what do you say?

876
01:24:06,086 --> 01:24:09,381
ANDRÉ'S LAST DIARY NOTE

877
01:24:09,464 --> 01:24:15,345
READ BY KI

878
01:24:15,429 --> 01:24:20,892
I sat with the fear today. I tried
not to escape from it or defeat it.

879
01:24:22,310 --> 01:24:28,942
I welcomed it as a friend
and let it wash over me again and again.

880
01:24:29,026 --> 01:24:32,320
It terrified me.

881
01:24:32,404 --> 01:24:34,823
But it was okay.

882
01:24:34,906 --> 01:24:40,579
My fear is insignificant in comparison
with all the love I have around me.

883
01:24:42,205 --> 01:24:47,294
I cried for the first time in years.
It was outstanding.

884
01:24:48,587 --> 01:24:53,466
I thought I needed suffering,
but instead I got happiness.

885
01:24:53,550 --> 01:24:55,886
My heart has never been more open,

886
01:24:55,969 --> 01:25:02,184
and the throbbing fear of death
on the window, feels a little more familiar

887
01:25:02,267 --> 01:25:05,687
and a little less powerful.

888
01:25:12,194 --> 01:25:15,489
Have at it, bastards!

889
01:26:07,165 --> 01:26:12,254
"We paint the portraits we want
for people to see...

890
01:26:14,631 --> 01:26:21,847
...but the most beautiful portraits
are the ones who show our shortcomings."

891
01:26:21,930 --> 01:26:25,100
HAVE A DAMN COLOSCOPY!

892
01:26:25,183 --> 01:26:30,981
Text: Aleksander Kerr
www.junefirst.tv