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(theme music playing)
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NARRATOR:
Man lives in the sunlit world
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of what he believes
to be reality.
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But... there is,
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unseen by most, an underworld.
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A place that is just as real
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but not as brightly lit.
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A dark side.
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(applause)
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(laughter)
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Say... say, Ollie...
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(laughter)
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...what does this remind you of?
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Oliver Hardy.
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(murmuring)
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(laughter, applause)
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I haven't the faintest idea.
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What on earth could that
possibly remind me of?
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(inaudible whisper)
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(as Laurel):
Reminds me of Thursday.
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(laughter)
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How could that remind you
of Thursday?
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(as Laurel):
It's simple.
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There's Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday...
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Thursday.
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(laughter, applause)
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Gee...
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you... you know,
when I was a kid,
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I used to practice the violin
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while the other kids
practiced playing football.
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But it really paid off,
because today,
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I can kick a violin
further than anybody.
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(laughter, applause)
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Hey, uh, pay no attention
to the man behind the curtain.
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Yes. (chuckles)
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I'm not a bad man;
I'm just a very bad wizard.
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(chuckles) Uh...
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Tin Man, hey, uh,
you want a heart?
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You don't know how lucky you are
not to have one.
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Hearts will never
become practical
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until they're made
unbreakable.
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Yes, and remember, Tin Man,
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it isn't how
much, uh...
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you love, but how much
you are loved by others.
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And I certainly love you,
each and every one of you.
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Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
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Good night.
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(applause)
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Just don't tell me
how to work my act.
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I got to say
what I got to say.
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When I see boring,
I say it.
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The act's boring.
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Boring?
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Between the TV, the record
and the Vegas dates,
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I've earned more with that act
than you could pull
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out of this toilet
in ten years.
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That's how old the act is:
ten years.
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It's the same routine.
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Do you know why?
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Perfection.
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That's what
that act is.
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Absolute perfection.
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Every vocal nuance.
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Every move, every gesture.
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Hey, that's why this audience
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keeps coming back
to see me time and time again.
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They recognize that.
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They appreciate me.
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Spiffy,
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you're the best in the business.
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That's not the point.
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The people want
to see you do new stuff.
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Just don't tell me
how to work my act.
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Tell me something.
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You enjoy reading
yesterday's newspaper?
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You think they do?
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Okay.
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I was a little off tonight.
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But you know why?
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Did you notice that guy
in the aloha shirt,
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the guy trying to blend in
with the tourists?
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(sucking loudly)
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He had eyes
like ice cubes.
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Telling you,
he made my thumbs itch.
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What are you
talking about?
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When I get nervous,
my... my thumbs itch.
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Just freshen up
the act, okay?
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Okay, tell you what.
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I will if you
freshen up the salary.
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You know, you're right.
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That guy was no tourist,
that's for sure.
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Hey, Pudgy.
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Hey, you know I'm worth it.
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The money isn't there, Spiffy.
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What can I do?
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I'll tell you what you can do.
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You can take this club...
you can take
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this club
of yours and...
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What do you want?
(door slamming)
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No one's allowed back here.
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Mr. Remo... Uncle wants you.
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What for?
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Uh...
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aren't I a little too old
to be digging foxholes?
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We have something special
in mind for you.
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Top secret.
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I'm sorry, I, uh,
don't do Reagan.
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Are you coming, Mr. Remo?
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Where?
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You'll like it.
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Quiet.
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Plenty of time
to unwind.
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(chuckles)
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What do you think
this is, the movies?
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Next thing you know,
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you'll be telling me
you want to blindfold me.
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Or put me in the trunk
of your car.
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Not the trunk.
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The backseat
lying down.
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Well, better there
than in Philadelphia.
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W.C. Fields.
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It was his epitaph
on his tombstone.
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You'll be
paid, Mr. Remo.
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Oh, yeah? How much?
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We'll take good
care of you.
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You have to
leave right now,
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and you don't say
good-bye to anybody.
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I suppose, uh,
I don't have a choice?
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Not really.
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Your blindfold or mine?
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Mine.
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(other-worldly screaming)
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What's that?
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This way.
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(eerie groaning)
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(rhythmic, mechanical whirring)
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Mr. Remo, I'm Dr. Coe.
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You're aware the document
you signed commits you
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to, uh, secrecy?
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Oh, yeah.
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That's very good.
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Thank you for coming.
We desperately need you here.
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Oh, yeah? What is this,
a lab for jokes?
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My, uh, rabbit died?
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(laughs)
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Please, sit here.
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Well, what I'm going to tell you
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shouldn't come to that much
of a surprise really,
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considering how much
we know today.
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But two months ago,
a spaceship landed.
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After days of decoding
signals and messages,
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we finally made
communication.
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(switch clicks)
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And he came out.
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Now, in deciphering
certain signals from him,
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we learned he possesses
certain scientific knowledge
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far superior
than our own.
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We call him Hoffgosh.
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Hoffgosh?
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However,
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for all of his superiority,
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he's still very childlike
in his behavior.
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We learned that
by imitating his gestures,
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he felt most comfortable,
and would allow us to converse.
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Now, the headset
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here is attached to a
linguistics computer.
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Now, these sounds have been
encoded on this compact disc.
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No. Wrong.
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That's very observant.
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(sighs)
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As you can see,
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Hoffgosh
has become
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frustrated, moody
and very uncooperative with me.
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And that's why we called you,
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Mr. Remo.
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We've seen
your tapes.
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Your impersonations
are-are perfect.
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Almost uncanny.
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Every nuance,
detail.
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We feel
that through
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your talent,
you can make him communicate.
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Wait a minute.
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Are you trying to tell me
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you want me
to tangle with that thing?
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Mr. Remo, you'll be protected.
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Just like you were protected?
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Oh, no, no, no.
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Despite what, uh,
you-you see here,
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no, Hoffgosh is basically
friendly to us.
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Friends like that--
who needs the mafia?
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Mr. Remo,
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have you ever heard
of fusion power?
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00:09:02,809 --> 00:09:03,975
What's that?
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It's a form of nuclear energy
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that's still a mystery to us.
196
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Nobody has ever figured
how to make it work.
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His ship
runs on it.
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And now Hoffgosh can
just hand us the answers.
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Well, I got an answer, too.
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No.
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We spent years searching
for a way to make fusion work.
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And now, he can just
hand it to us.
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Fusion will affect
the economic vitality
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of our country,
our trade balance,
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and even the future
of the world economy.
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Mr. Remo,
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we don't have much time.
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Hoffgosh is not adapting
to our environment.
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He must go back.
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Please, help us.
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Let him have
a safe trip,
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and tell Uncle I pass.
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00:10:00,666 --> 00:10:02,132
Oh, uh...
214
00:10:02,168 --> 00:10:03,867
I'm leaving.
215
00:10:03,903 --> 00:10:06,703
Doctor, I want to
be alone with him.
216
00:10:06,739 --> 00:10:08,072
Mr. Remo...
217
00:10:08,107 --> 00:10:10,107
Doctor!
218
00:10:14,514 --> 00:10:16,580
What are you gonna do,
break my legs?
219
00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:18,415
Kill me 'cause
I know too much?
220
00:10:18,450 --> 00:10:19,716
No.
221
00:10:19,718 --> 00:10:21,219
When you were in the army,
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00:10:21,254 --> 00:10:22,754
certain charges were brought
against you.
223
00:10:22,789 --> 00:10:25,289
(sighs)
These were dropped.
224
00:10:25,325 --> 00:10:26,924
Where'd you get these?
225
00:10:26,959 --> 00:10:29,059
The case could
be reopened.
226
00:10:29,095 --> 00:10:30,928
New evidence can
be uncovered.
227
00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,262
Where'd you get these?!
228
00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:35,867
Mr. Remo, you could
spend years in jail.
229
00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:41,673
Or you could spend some time
with our friend in here,
230
00:10:41,708 --> 00:10:43,140
behind the one-way mirror.
231
00:11:02,028 --> 00:11:04,896
Now then, Mr. Remo,
are you ready?
232
00:11:04,931 --> 00:11:08,266
Just put this device on
which will enable you
233
00:11:08,301 --> 00:11:10,500
to hear him in English,
234
00:11:10,536 --> 00:11:12,536
and he will hear you
in Hoffgoshen.
235
00:11:12,571 --> 00:11:13,804
Fine.
236
00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:15,806
Just remember to speak
slowly to him.
237
00:11:15,842 --> 00:11:16,841
Hey, listen,
238
00:11:16,876 --> 00:11:18,776
after three weeks
of watching those tapes,
239
00:11:18,811 --> 00:11:20,777
I could almost speak Hoffgoshen.
240
00:11:20,779 --> 00:11:22,980
Okay, the body language
is vital.
241
00:11:22,982 --> 00:11:24,482
Don't worry about
the body language.
242
00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:26,951
You're talking
to Spiffy Remo, right?
243
00:11:26,953 --> 00:11:29,654
Well, then, let's see
your act, Mr. Remo.
244
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,889
Well, showtime.
245
00:11:31,924 --> 00:11:33,457
Let's go.
246
00:11:38,731 --> 00:11:41,132
Any predictions, Doctor?
247
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He might do it.
248
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(nervous growl)
249
00:11:56,282 --> 00:11:59,217
(hissing)
250
00:12:07,794 --> 00:12:10,728
(growling nervously)
251
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:18,069
Don't be afraid.
252
00:12:19,139 --> 00:12:20,604
(growling)
253
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:21,639
Don't be afraid.
254
00:12:25,478 --> 00:12:29,080
I've come to help you.
255
00:12:29,115 --> 00:12:31,115
(growling curiously )
256
00:12:38,357 --> 00:12:41,425
So far so good.
257
00:12:41,460 --> 00:12:44,462
(sustained hissing)
258
00:13:04,917 --> 00:13:05,917
(shrieks)
(gasps)
259
00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:07,017
(yelling)
260
00:13:07,053 --> 00:13:09,420
(device beeping)
261
00:13:09,455 --> 00:13:13,090
(Hoffgosh shrieking)
262
00:13:13,125 --> 00:13:16,093
(beeping continues)
263
00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:23,734
You all right?
Yeah.
264
00:13:23,769 --> 00:13:25,436
All right, sit down.
265
00:13:27,373 --> 00:13:28,472
(sighing)
266
00:13:28,507 --> 00:13:29,807
What happened to you in there?
267
00:13:29,842 --> 00:13:31,642
You were doing so well.
268
00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:34,145
You lost your concentration,
you stood up straight.
269
00:13:34,180 --> 00:13:36,780
I know what I did wrong.
270
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:39,717
Give me some time.
271
00:13:42,454 --> 00:13:44,622
I'll get him down.
272
00:13:47,227 --> 00:13:49,126
I'll get him down.
273
00:14:35,975 --> 00:14:39,343
Why can't we communicate
anymore?
274
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:42,045
Please.
(groaning)
275
00:14:42,081 --> 00:14:44,649
Please, say something to me.
276
00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:46,784
(groaning)
277
00:14:50,757 --> 00:14:52,023
SCIENTIST:
It's just not working.
278
00:14:52,025 --> 00:14:53,958
Not working?
279
00:14:53,993 --> 00:14:57,928
You're wasting our time,
I'm taking you back.
280
00:14:57,964 --> 00:14:59,329
Taking me back?
281
00:14:59,364 --> 00:15:00,664
I'm that close!
282
00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:03,067
You've been saying
that for too long.
283
00:15:03,102 --> 00:15:05,102
Are you serious?
284
00:15:05,137 --> 00:15:06,971
What do you think, that's
Peter Lorre in there
285
00:15:07,006 --> 00:15:08,872
or Jimmy Stewart?
286
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,507
That thing's articulating sounds
287
00:15:10,542 --> 00:15:12,542
that have never been heard
on this planet before.
288
00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:14,645
Gentlemen, I'm getting
close to it.
289
00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:16,680
It's beginning to trust me.
290
00:15:16,716 --> 00:15:18,682
You can't fool that thing!
291
00:15:18,718 --> 00:15:20,517
You're out, Mr. Remo.
292
00:15:20,552 --> 00:15:21,652
Out?!
293
00:15:21,687 --> 00:15:24,021
Hey, nobody cancels
Spiffy Remo. Nobody!
294
00:15:24,056 --> 00:15:25,889
When you go in there
with him, you just
295
00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:27,725
seem to lose
something, sir.
296
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,159
Lose something?
297
00:15:29,194 --> 00:15:31,161
I can get it down,
gentlemen, believe me.
298
00:15:31,196 --> 00:15:32,863
I'm that close
to getting it down.
299
00:15:32,898 --> 00:15:34,498
I can! Give me that.
300
00:15:34,533 --> 00:15:36,333
Wait.
No waiting!
301
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:43,974
(hissing)
302
00:15:52,184 --> 00:15:53,450
What's he doing?
303
00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:18,408
(speaking Hoffgoshen)
304
00:16:28,153 --> 00:16:31,121
(both speaking Hoffgoshen)
305
00:16:52,945 --> 00:16:56,614
Yes, this is it!
306
00:16:56,649 --> 00:16:58,081
(applauding)
307
00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:08,692
(mechanical whirring)
308
00:17:20,006 --> 00:17:21,605
(chuckling):
Oh!
309
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,961
(crowd cheering, applauding)
310
00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:02,479
Do you hear that?
311
00:18:02,514 --> 00:18:03,948
Do you hear that?!
312
00:18:03,983 --> 00:18:05,249
They love you!
313
00:18:05,284 --> 00:18:06,850
I don't know where you've
been the last few months
314
00:18:06,885 --> 00:18:08,419
but the audience
still loves you.
315
00:18:10,523 --> 00:18:12,823
Why the sourpuss?
316
00:18:12,859 --> 00:18:15,258
I don't know.
317
00:18:15,294 --> 00:18:17,595
I just lost something.
318
00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:20,264
The act doesn't work
for me anymore.
319
00:18:20,299 --> 00:18:24,201
I knew it, I knew it.
320
00:18:24,236 --> 00:18:26,903
(sighing):
Okay, give me
a couple of weeks.
321
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:33,543
I'll see what I can do
about a raise.
322
00:18:38,183 --> 00:18:41,819
You don't understand,
do you, Pudgy?
323
00:18:41,854 --> 00:18:45,522
The sad thing is,
you probably never will.
324
00:18:45,558 --> 00:18:46,790
Good night.
325
00:18:57,236 --> 00:18:58,535
(car horn honking)
326
00:18:58,570 --> 00:19:00,304
DRIVER:
Hey, what are you doing?!
327
00:19:00,339 --> 00:19:02,573
(tires screeching)
328
00:19:21,961 --> 00:19:23,927
(high-pitched whirring)
329
00:19:23,963 --> 00:19:25,896
(engines roaring)
330
00:19:29,702 --> 00:19:31,668
(roaring grows louder)
331
00:19:31,670 --> 00:19:34,171
(loud roaring)
332
00:19:34,207 --> 00:19:36,507
(whooshing)
333
00:19:39,778 --> 00:19:42,679
(high-pitched mechanical
humming)
334
00:19:49,054 --> 00:19:51,054
(humming stops)
335
00:20:22,254 --> 00:20:26,190
(Hoffgosh greeting
in Hoffgoshen)
336
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:30,860
(speaking cheerfully)
337
00:20:38,204 --> 00:20:42,172
(speaking gently
and amicably)
338
00:21:09,067 --> 00:21:12,902
NARRATOR:
The dark side is always there.
339
00:21:12,938 --> 00:21:15,739
Waiting for us to enter.
340
00:21:15,774 --> 00:21:18,809
Waiting to enter us.
341
00:21:18,844 --> 00:21:20,877
Until next time,
342
00:21:20,912 --> 00:21:25,349
try to enjoy the daylight.