1 00:00:02,145 --> 00:00:05,348 CRIMINALS BEWARE. THERE'S A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN, 2 00:00:05,348 --> 00:00:11,921 AND HE MEANS BUSINESS. FIRST, HE THE HUNTED DOWN THE JANUARY 6th INSURRECTIONISTS AND 3 00:00:11,921 --> 00:00:17,760 MADE THEM PAY. [ WHIP CRACKING ] NOW SHE'S SEARCHING FOR 4 00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:23,966 CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS, AND HE'S COMING FOR WHOEVER HAS THEM, DEMOCRATS, REPUBLICANS, OR 5 00:00:23,966 --> 00:00:28,571 WHATEVER TRUMP IS NOW. AND YOU DON'T WANT TO BE IN HIS CROSS HAIRS. 6 00:00:28,571 --> 00:00:33,176 HE'S ATTORNEY GENERAL MERRICK GARLAND. HELLO. 7 00:00:33,176 --> 00:00:45,855 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I'M MERRICK GARLAND. I MAY LOOK LIKE I WAS BORN IN A 8 00:00:45,855 --> 00:00:51,394 LIBRARY, BUT THERE'S SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW. [ WHIP CRACKING ] 9 00:00:51,394 --> 00:00:58,701 MERRICK GARLAND DON'T PLAY. [ WHIP CRACKING ] AS YOU MAY HAVE HEARD, 10 00:00:58,701 --> 00:01:06,109 CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS HAVE BEEN FOUND IN THE HOMES OF PRESIDENT BIDEN AND FORMER VICE-PRESIDENT 11 00:01:06,109 --> 00:01:12,715 PENCE WHOSE LAWYERS ARE COOPERATING. AND ALSO, AT THE HOME OF FORMER 12 00:01:12,715 --> 00:01:21,023 PRESIDENT TRUMP, WHOSE LAWYER PUT A HORSE HEAD IN MY BED. SOME HAVE SAID THE FEDERAL 13 00:01:21,023 --> 00:01:27,630 GOVERNMENT CLASSIFIES TOO MANY DOCUMENTS. ABOUT 50 MILLION A YEAR. 14 00:01:27,630 --> 00:01:32,135 THIS HAS LED PEOPLE TO ASK, DOES RECOVERING THESE DOCUMENTS EVEN MATTER? 15 00:01:32,135 --> 00:01:39,976 TO WHICH I SAY, I DON'T KNOW. BUT IT'S THE LAW. [ WHIP CRACKING ] 16 00:01:39,976 --> 00:01:55,358 AND I AM THE LAW. TO ENFORCE THE LAW, I SENT TEAMS TO SEARCH THE HOMES OF SEVERAL 17 00:01:55,358 --> 00:02:01,564 RECENT PRESIDENTS AND VICE-PRESIDENTS. STARTING WITH MIKE PENCE. 18 00:02:01,564 --> 00:02:10,406 SPECIAL AGENT CONRAD NANCE WILL BRIEF YOU ON WHAT WE DISCOVERED. ALL RIGHT. 19 00:02:10,406 --> 00:02:17,680 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. UPON ARRIVING AT MR. PENCE'S INDIANA HOME, I KNEW RIGHT AWAY 20 00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:24,620 THIS MAN NEEDED A FRIEND. WHEN HE OPENED THE DOOR, HE SAID, YOU CAME! 21 00:02:24,620 --> 00:02:30,860 WITH A BIG SMILE, AND HE OFFERED TO MAKE US PANCAKES. OUR SEARCH TURNED UP NO 22 00:02:30,860 --> 00:02:38,901 ADDITIONAL CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS. HOWEVER, IN AN ENVELOPE MARKED "TAX STUFF" WE DISCOVERED 23 00:02:38,901 --> 00:02:44,841 PHOTOGRAPHS OF THE COUNTRY POP STAR SINGER SHANIA TWAIN CUT OUT FROM SEVERAL MAGAZINES. 24 00:02:44,841 --> 00:02:49,946 WHEN CONFRONTED, MR. PENCE SAID, I'M SORRY. I'M DISGUSTING. 25 00:02:49,946 --> 00:02:55,518 THEN WE INFORMED MR. PENCE THAT WE WERE DONE AND HAD TO LEAVE. HE SAID, HOW CAN YOU LEAVE WHEN 26 00:02:55,518 --> 00:03:01,157 YOU'RE IT? AND THEN TAGGED ME ON THE SHOULDER AND RAN AWAY. 27 00:03:01,157 --> 00:03:07,130 HOPING THAT I WOULD CHASE AFTER HIM AND PLAY TAG, WHICH I DID NOT. 28 00:03:07,130 --> 00:03:12,101 I WILL SAY, THOUGH, THAT IF YOU KNOW MR. PENCE, IF YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH HIM, CHECK ON YOUR 29 00:03:12,101 --> 00:03:15,972 PEOPLE. THAT'S ALL. ALL RIGHT. 30 00:03:15,972 --> 00:03:24,614 THANK YOU, AGENT NANCE. NEXT, SPECIAL AGENT CASEY COMBS WILL DISCUSS IF THERE WERE ANY 31 00:03:24,614 --> 00:03:30,119 CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS AT VICE-PRESIDENT KAMALA HARRIS' HOME. 32 00:03:30,119 --> 00:03:37,360 COME ON NOW. JOE BIDEN WON'T EVEN GIVE THIS WOMAN A PEN. 33 00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:41,731 YOU THINK SHE HAS CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS? PLEASE. 34 00:03:41,731 --> 00:03:45,935 KAMALA HARRIS WITH CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS. WELL, WE HAD TO AT LEAST 35 00:03:45,935 --> 00:03:50,907 CHECK. THANK YOU, AGENT COMBS. FINALLY, WE SEARCHED FORMER 36 00:03:50,907 --> 00:03:58,748 PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA'S HOME. SPECIAL AGENT DERECK KAY WILL DISCUSS WHAT WE FOUND. 37 00:03:58,748 --> 00:04:03,286 THANK YOU. YEAH. DON'T MEAN TO BRAG, BUT I WAS IN 38 00:04:03,286 --> 00:04:09,192 BARACK OBAMA'S HOUSE. YEAH. NO BIG DEAL. 39 00:04:09,192 --> 00:04:16,899 BUT IT WAS REALLY FUN. MR. OBAMA OPENED THE DOOR AND SAID, ARE YOU SELLING GIRL SCOUT 40 00:04:16,899 --> 00:04:21,738 COOKIES, WHICH HAD US ALL TOTALLY CRACKING UP, LIKE COMPLETELY DEAD. 41 00:04:21,738 --> 00:04:30,346 WE THEN ENTERED THE HOME AND WERE SHOWN A NUMBER OF THINGS, INCLUDING 175 LETTERS FROM LIN 42 00:04:30,346 --> 00:04:40,423 MANUEL BEGGING THE PRESIDENT TO PERFORM HAMILTON. OBAMA LIKE READ ONE AS LIN 43 00:04:40,423 --> 00:04:44,293 MANUEL. I'M NOT JOKING. IT WAS SO FUNNY. 44 00:04:44,293 --> 00:04:52,769 ANYWAY, WE ASKED HIM ABOUT CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS, AND HE SAID HE WAS, QUOTE, OUT OF THE 45 00:04:52,769 --> 00:04:57,707 GOVERNMENT GAME AND DOING THE HOLLYWOOD THING NOW. BUT THEN, BEYONCE CALLED HIM ON 46 00:04:57,707 --> 00:05:03,079 HIS CELL PHONE, AND HE IGNORED IT. SO, YEAH, JUST LIKE A REALLY 47 00:05:03,079 --> 00:05:06,149 COOL, FUN TIME. ALL RIGHT. THERE YOU HAVE IT, AMERICA. 48 00:05:06,149 --> 00:05:12,522 IF YOU HAVE CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS IN YOUR HOME, I HAVE ONE QUESTION FOR YOU. 49 00:05:12,522 --> 00:05:20,930 YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE PLAYING WITH? 50 00:05:20,930 --> 00:05:26,002 [ WHIP CRACKING ] F AROUND AND FIND OUT. HEY, BOSS. 51 00:05:26,002 --> 00:05:31,741 WHEN WE DONE PLAYING WITH THESE LITTLE PAPERS, WE GOING TO HEAD DOWN TO MEMPHIS AND MAKE SURE 52 00:05:31,741 --> 00:05:37,280 JUSTICE IS SERVED DOWN THERE TOO, RIGHT? I SINCERELY HOPE SO. 53 00:05:37,280 --> 00:05:41,718 YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! 54 00:05:45,988 --> 00:05:50,126 Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." 55 00:05:52,995 --> 00:07:29,759 WITH -- 56 00:07:29,759 --> 00:07:44,607 MUSICAL GUEST -- LIL BABY. AND YOUR HOST, MICHAEL B. JORDAN. 57 00:07:45,641 --> 00:07:52,348 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MICHAEL B. JORDAN. 58 00:08:06,062 --> 00:08:10,333 THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I AM SO HAPPY TO BE HERE. 59 00:08:10,333 --> 00:08:16,839 MY NAME IS MICHAEL B. JORDAN. BUT TONIGHT, MICHAEL B. HOSTING. MICHAEL B. JOKING. 60 00:08:16,839 --> 00:08:22,278 AND HONESTLY, MICHAEL B. NERVOUS. MICHAEL B. VULNERABLE. 61 00:08:22,278 --> 00:08:29,685 BUT DON'T WORRY. MICHAEL B. ALL RIGHT. BECAUSE MICHAEL B. IN THERAPY. 62 00:08:29,685 --> 00:08:34,724 IT'S BEEN A GREAT WEEK HERE AT SNL. YESTERDAY, I HAD A CRAZY FULL 63 00:08:34,724 --> 00:08:38,327 CIRCLE MOMENT. WE PRESHOT SOME VIDEOS FOR THE SHOW. 64 00:08:38,327 --> 00:08:44,500 WHEN I GOT TO THE STUDIO, I REALIZED IT WAS THE EXACT SAME PLACE I SHOT ONE OF MY FIRST 65 00:08:44,500 --> 00:08:52,708 ACTING ROLES ON THE SOAP OPERA, "ALL MY CHILDREN" I WAS 16 YEARS OLD. 66 00:08:52,708 --> 00:08:55,178 HERE'S A CLIP. I TOLD YOU IN THE BEGINNING YOU SET THE PACE. 67 00:08:55,178 --> 00:08:59,682 SO YOU'RE NOT MAD? NO. SOMETIMES THE ANIMAL IN ME JUST 68 00:08:59,682 --> 00:09:07,123 GETS KIND OF CRAZY. [ HOWLING ] PRETTY SURE I HIT PUBERTY 69 00:09:07,123 --> 00:09:11,861 MID-HOWL. THAT WAS 2003. AND NOW 20 YEARS LATER, I JUST 70 00:09:11,861 --> 00:09:20,369 DIRECTED MY VERY FIRST MOVIE, "CREED III" BUT RIGHT AFTER THAT, I WENT THROUGH MY VERY 71 00:09:20,369 --> 00:09:25,241 FIRST PUBLIC BREAKUP. MOST PEOPLE AFTER A BREAKUP ARE LIKE, I'M GOING TO GET IN BETTER 72 00:09:25,241 --> 00:09:27,210 SHAPE. BUT I WAS ALREADY IN CREED SHAPE. 73 00:09:27,210 --> 00:09:32,715 SO I HAD TO BE LIKE, ALL RIGHT, I GUESS I'LL LEARN A NEW LANGUAGE. 74 00:09:32,715 --> 00:09:40,757 ANYWAY, ESTOY EN RAYA. AFTER THE BREAKUP, EVERYONE THOUGHT I WAS SO HEART BROKEN. 75 00:09:40,757 --> 00:09:46,496 I WAS AT A BASKETBALL GAME WHEN THE NEWS BROKE OUT, AND THEY CAUGHT ME LOOKING LIKE THIS. 76 00:09:46,496 --> 00:09:52,969 I WAS JUST CHILLING, BUT THE INTERNET DECIDED THAT WAS ME BEING SAD. 77 00:09:52,969 --> 00:09:58,775 LUCKY FOR ME, IF YOU GOOGLE MICHAEL JORDAN, THE FIRST 8,000 RESULTS ARE THIS. 78 00:09:58,775 --> 00:10:03,846 HEY, MICHAEL. WHAT'S UP, CHLOE? NOT MUCH. 79 00:10:03,846 --> 00:10:09,052 SO I KNOW YOU'RE SINGLE, BUT DID YOU KNOW THAT I'M SINGLE? DON'T YOU DATE THAT HOT 80 00:10:09,052 --> 00:10:13,556 WRITER? NOT IF YOU'RE AVAILABLE. HEY. 81 00:10:13,556 --> 00:10:19,762 COULD YOU REMIND ME HOW TO SPELL YOUR NUMBER? HEY, CHLOE, DON'T YOU HAVE TO 82 00:10:19,762 --> 00:10:25,968 GO AWAY? I'M SORRY, BITCH. HEY, MIKEY B. 83 00:10:25,968 --> 00:10:31,841 FIND IF I CALL YOU MIKEY B.? I WOULD RATHER YOU NOT. OKAY. 84 00:10:31,841 --> 00:10:36,846 A MAN WHAT KNOWS WHAT HE WANTS. I LIKE THAT. YOU KNOW, I HAVE A CREED POSTER 85 00:10:36,846 --> 00:10:40,483 IN MY BEDROOM. OH, NICE. I ALWAYS DREAMED OF PEOPLE 86 00:10:40,483 --> 00:10:47,890 HAVING MY POSTER UP ON THE WALL. YEAH, WALL, PRINTED ON TO A BODY PILLOW. 87 00:10:47,890 --> 00:10:49,459 WHATEVER. EXCUSE ME. GO ON, BITCH. 88 00:10:49,459 --> 00:10:55,364 HEY, MICHAEL. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU WERE OUT HERE. 89 00:10:55,364 --> 00:10:59,702 YOU DIDN'T KNOW I WOULD BE ON STAGE DELIVERING MY MONOLOGUE? SORRY. 90 00:10:59,702 --> 00:11:05,908 I WAS JUST TAKING A WALK AROUND THE STUDIO, AND I JUST THREW THIS ON. 91 00:11:05,908 --> 00:11:11,447 IS THIS A WEDDING DRESS? I GUESS WE COULD TECHNICALLY GET MARRIED NOW THEN, HUH? 92 00:11:11,447 --> 00:11:15,351 THAT'S NOT HOW THAT WORKS. OUR FIRST FIGHT. MAKEUP SEX? 93 00:11:15,351 --> 00:11:21,157 EGO. FINE, MICHAEL. MICHAEL, MICHAEL, MICHAEL. 94 00:11:21,157 --> 00:11:30,199 MM. BOY, YOU LOOKING FINE AS EVER AS ALWAYS. 95 00:11:30,199 --> 00:11:32,802 PUNKIE. I GOT THE SAME SUIT LIKE YOU GOT. 96 00:11:32,802 --> 00:11:39,575 AREN'T YOU GAY? I AM. BUT YOU MICHAEL B. JORDAN. 97 00:11:39,575 --> 00:11:45,848 AND I'M PUNKIE B. CURIOUS. I MEAN, EVEN VEGANS GOT CHEAT DAYS, RIGHT? 98 00:11:45,848 --> 00:11:56,692 NO, THEY DON'T. BOY, YOU SO FUNNY. I SEE YOU AT THE AFTERPARTY, 99 00:11:56,692 --> 00:12:01,864 BABE. LOOK, I JUST WANT TO SAY I'M SO GRATEFUL TO BE STANDING ON 100 00:12:01,864 --> 00:12:06,369 THIS STAGE. YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I CAN TAKE MYSELF A LITTLE TOO SERIOUSLY. 101 00:12:06,369 --> 00:12:09,372 BUT TONIGHT, I'M GOING TO HAVE FUN. I'M GOING TO GO FOR IT AND 102 00:12:09,372 --> 00:12:15,011 MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, LET THE INNER ANIMAL GET A LITTLE CRAZY. [ HOWLING ] 103 00:12:15,011 --> 00:12:20,349 [ HOWLING ] WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 104 00:12:27,356 --> 00:12:32,361 WELCOME BACK TO GOOD MORNING TODAY. LATER IN THE HOUR, WE'LL BE 105 00:12:32,361 --> 00:12:39,902 TALKING PIT BULLS. WHO ARE THEY, WHAT DO THEY WANT FROM US, AND HOW ARE THEY SO 106 00:12:39,902 --> 00:12:43,673 YOLKED? BUT FIRST, IT'S TIME FOR CUISINE WITH FRANCINE. 107 00:12:43,673 --> 00:12:49,479 CAN I JUST SAY I'M SO HAPPY FRANCINE IS BACK. ME TOO, AS I'M SURE MOST OF 108 00:12:49,479 --> 00:12:56,586 OUR VIEWERS KNOW, FRANCINE WAS GONE YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE GOT STUCK ON A RUN AWAY ROLLER 109 00:12:56,586 --> 00:13:02,091 COASTER GOING 150 MILES AN HOUR FOR 19 HOURS STRAIGHT. NOW SHE'S BACK BETTER THAN 110 00:13:02,091 --> 00:13:06,362 EVER AND NOT THE LEAST BIT PHASED. HI, FRANCINE! 111 00:13:06,362 --> 00:13:13,536 HI, RICHARD. HI TANIA, IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK, AND I'VE GOT SOME REALLY 112 00:13:13,536 --> 00:13:18,975 EXCITING FLAVORS TO SHARE WITH YOU ALL TODAY. WOW, FRANCINE. 113 00:13:18,975 --> 00:13:25,181 YOU LOOK NUTS. DID YOU COME HERE STRAIGHT FROM THE AMUSEMENT PARK? 114 00:13:25,181 --> 00:13:29,819 SURE DID. COULDN'T BE LATE TO BE BACK IN THE STUDIO. 115 00:13:29,819 --> 00:13:34,123 WELL, THAT'S GREAT. SO WHAT'S ON THE MENU TODAY, FRANCINE? 116 00:13:34,123 --> 00:13:41,197 WELL, I HOPE YOU HAVE YOUR PASSPORTS READY BECAUSE TODAY WE'RE OFF TO ITALIA. 117 00:13:41,197 --> 00:13:52,508 JOIN ME, WON'T YOU, FOR A CULTURE ADVENTURE THAT WILL HAVE YOU SAYING MAMA MIA. 118 00:13:52,508 --> 00:14:01,084 TODAY, WE'RE EATING BUFFALO MOZZARELLA. CROSTINI, AND OF COURSE A GLASS 119 00:14:01,084 --> 00:14:10,460 OF CHIANTI. SALUD! NOW THAT'S GOOD VINO. 120 00:14:10,460 --> 00:14:18,534 LOOKS LIKE THAT HIT THE SPOT. AT LEAST THE PART THAT GOT IN. 121 00:14:18,534 --> 00:14:28,511 MM! REALLY COMPLEMENTS THE WINE. SO MANY TWISTS AND TURNS AS MY 122 00:14:28,511 --> 00:14:33,883 ROLLER COASTER RIDE FROM HELL. WHAT? I THINK SHE -- I THINK SHE 123 00:14:33,883 --> 00:14:38,755 COMPARED THE WINE TO ALL THOSE LOOP-DE-LOOPS. WE ACTUALLY HAVE SOME VIDEO OF 124 00:14:38,755 --> 00:14:45,728 THAT. YEAH. MUST BE HARD TO WATCH, HUH, 125 00:14:45,728 --> 00:14:52,001 FRANCINE? WHAT WAS THAT? I COULDN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE 126 00:14:52,001 --> 00:14:59,509 CRISPY CRUNCH OF MY CRISPY, CRUNCHY, CROSTINI. WELL, THANKS, FRANCINE. 127 00:14:59,509 --> 00:15:05,782 NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE WEATHER WITH OUR VERY OWN JASON BURRESS. HI, GUYS. 128 00:15:05,782 --> 00:15:13,856 IT LOOKS LIKE A DOOZY. OBVIOUSLY WE FORGOT TO MENTION THAT JASON WAS ALSO 129 00:15:13,856 --> 00:15:18,094 TRAPPED ON THE ROLLER COASTER. I ACTUALLY THINK WE HAVE A PICTURE OF THAT. 130 00:15:18,094 --> 00:15:23,499 OH. SO HOW'S THE WEATHER LOOKING, JASON? 131 00:15:23,499 --> 00:15:28,571 IT'S NOT GOOD AT ALL. WE HAVE SNOW COMING IN FROM THE EAST. 132 00:15:28,571 --> 00:15:31,574 UH-HUH. WE HAVE SNOW COMING IN FROM THE WEST, UH-HUH. 133 00:15:31,574 --> 00:15:37,714 SNOW FROM THE TOP, YEAH, AND SNOW FROM THE BOTTOM. LOOK, I'M DIZZY AS HELL FROM 134 00:15:37,714 --> 00:15:42,752 THAT ROLLER COASTER RIDE. WAIT A MINUTE. SOMETHING SURE SMELLS GOOD. 135 00:15:42,752 --> 00:15:48,691 OH, WHAT YOU COOKING OVER THERE, FRANCINE? JUST SOME MINESTRONE SOUP. 136 00:15:48,691 --> 00:15:55,598 BUT CAREFUL, IT'S HOT. YOU GOT TO BLOW ON IT. MM. 137 00:15:55,598 --> 00:16:08,745 THAT LOOKS DELICIOSO. MM. OH, MM, MM, MM. 138 00:16:08,745 --> 00:16:16,552 YES. GREAT. WELL, I GUESS YOU GUYS MUST 139 00:16:16,552 --> 00:16:20,690 BE PRETTY HUNGRY AFTER THAT CRAZY RIDE. YEAH. 140 00:16:20,690 --> 00:16:25,862 THE ONLY THING WE HAD TO EAT WERE THE BUGS THAT FLEW INTO OUR OPEN MOUTHS. 141 00:16:25,862 --> 00:16:35,438 YEAH. BUGS LIKE BUMBLEBEES, CICADAS, AND ONE DOG-SIZED BAT. 142 00:16:35,438 --> 00:16:44,147 NOW, THAT'S A SPICY MEATBALL. WOULD YOU CARE FOR SOME SPAGHETTI, JASON? 143 00:16:44,147 --> 00:16:48,618 OH, OKAY. OH, MY GOSH. YOU GUYS ARE SO CUTE TOGETHER. 144 00:16:48,618 --> 00:16:53,222 OF COURSE YOU PROBABLY GOT REAL CLOSE DURING YOUR TIME TOGETHER ON THE ROLLER COASTER. 145 00:16:53,222 --> 00:16:57,593 WAIT. WHAT ARE THEY DOING NOW? I THINK THEY'RE DOING A 146 00:16:57,593 --> 00:17:08,204 LITTLE LADY AND THE TRAMP THING. AWW, SO ROMANTIC. I'M SORRY. 147 00:17:08,204 --> 00:17:11,974 FRANCINE, IS THERE SOMETHING UNDER YOUR SHIRT? OH, I ALMOST FORGOT. 148 00:17:11,974 --> 00:17:20,683 SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND. IS THAT A BIRD KICKING ITS LITTLE LEGS? 149 00:17:20,683 --> 00:17:25,388 YEP. HE FLEW STRAIGHT INTO HER STOMACH AT 200 MILES AN HOUR. 150 00:17:25,388 --> 00:17:30,927 THE DOCTORS SAY IF I PULL IT OUT, BOTH OF US WILL DIE. NOW BACK TO YOU GUYS. 151 00:17:30,927 --> 00:17:35,732 ALL RIGHT. COMING UP NEXT, OUR EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH THE TEENAGE BOY 152 00:17:35,732 --> 00:17:42,105 WHO OPERATED THE ROLLER COASTER AND WHY HE DID NOTHING TO STOP IT. 153 00:17:42,105 --> 00:17:49,946 IT. TWO REASONS:TOO DUMB AND TOO HIGH. 154 00:17:57,253 --> 00:18:04,360 PRIDE OURSELVES ON A SMOOTH FLYING EXPERIENCE. OVER THE HOLIDAY SEASON, WE 155 00:18:04,360 --> 00:18:06,062 MESSED UP. OUR SYSTEM COLLAPSED, AND THOUSANDS OF FLYERS WERE LEFT 156 00:18:06,062 --> 00:18:10,833 STRANDED, AND YOU UNDERSTANDABLY SCREAMED AT US FOR DAYS ON END, EVEN MORE THAN YOU USUALLY DO. 157 00:18:10,833 --> 00:18:21,077 AND SURE, WE LOST $800 MILLION IN REV KNEW AND ARE BEING INVESTIGATED BY THE FAA. 158 00:18:21,077 --> 00:18:28,518 FOR STARTERS, WE ARE FINALLY UPGRADING OUR ENTIRE COMPUTER SYSTEM TO 2008 DELL COMPUTERS. 159 00:18:28,518 --> 00:18:33,322 THAT'S RIGHT. WE ARE SAYING GOOD-BYE TO THOSE IBM THINKPAD LAPTOPS WITH THE 160 00:18:33,322 --> 00:18:37,160 LITTLE RED NIPPLE IN THE MIDDLE. NO MORE MISSING BAGGAGE AT BAGGAGE CLAIM, GUARANTEED. 161 00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:42,632 FROM HERE ON OUT, ALL LUGGAGE WILL BE SORTED BY COLOR. THAT MAKES IT YOUR 162 00:18:42,632 --> 00:18:47,570 RESPONSIBILITY, NOT OURS. SO IF YOU'RE GOING TO DALLAS, BRING A RED SUITCASE. 163 00:18:47,570 --> 00:18:55,111 BLUE BAGS GO TO CHARLOTTE. AND GET TO THE AIRPORT EARLY TO ENJOY OUR NEW PREMIER LOUNGE 164 00:18:55,111 --> 00:19:00,083 LOCATED INSIDE STARBUCKS. WE HOLD DOWN TWO OR THREE TABLES FOR Y'ALL. 165 00:19:00,083 --> 00:19:07,323 WE'RE MODERNIZING OUR AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL NETWORK. WE WILL BE USING OUR OLD IBM 166 00:19:07,323 --> 00:19:10,059 THINKPAD LAPTOPS WITH THE LITTLE RED NIPPLE IN THE MIDDLE. NOW I GET A PROPER FLIGHT 167 00:19:10,059 --> 00:19:14,764 SCHEDULE INSTEAD OF FINDING OUT WHERE I'M GOING 15 MINUTES BEFORE TAKEOFF. 168 00:19:14,764 --> 00:19:18,301 AND NOW WE'RE STREAMLINING CHECK IN BY NOT HAVING ONE AT ALL. 169 00:19:18,301 --> 00:19:22,071 TRYING TO FILL UP THE PLANE AND GO. YOU GOOD. 170 00:19:22,071 --> 00:19:29,779 WE'RE ALSO UPGRADING OUR INFLIGHT STAFF STRICTLY WITH PEOPLE WHO USED TO WORK AT 171 00:19:29,779 --> 00:19:34,884 WAFFLE HOUSE. COME AT THEM IF YOU WANT, BUT THESE BIG PITCHES DON'T PLAY. 172 00:19:34,884 --> 00:19:38,688 THAT'S ON US. MOSTLY. SOME OF IT'S ON YOU. 173 00:19:38,688 --> 00:19:41,290 YOU BOUGHT THE TICKET. AGAIN, YOU BOUGHT A SOUTHWEST TICKET. 174 00:19:41,290 --> 00:19:45,094 YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T RESPECT YOURSELF, SO WHY SHOULD WE? THANK YOU. 175 00:19:45,094 --> 00:19:48,698 THANK YOU. THANK YOU. FOR FLYING SOUTHWEST. 176 00:19:48,698 --> 00:19:54,303 WELCOME ABOARD. SOUTHWEST AIRLINES. IF IT'S THAT IMPORTANT TO YOU, 177 00:19:54,303 --> 00:19:56,272 SOUTHWEST AIRLINES. IF IT'S THAT IMPORTANT TO YOU, JUST WALK. 178 00:20:03,980 --> 00:20:09,485 THEN, SOMEHOW, THEY FIND NEMO. NO, MAN. THAT'S CRAZY, MAN. 179 00:20:09,485 --> 00:20:13,056 IT'S A BIG OCEAN AND LIKE A SMALL LITTLE FISH. I KNOW, MAN. 180 00:20:13,056 --> 00:20:17,226 THEY GOT LUCKY, MAN. WHAT CAN I SAY, THEY GOT LUCKY. HEY. 181 00:20:17,226 --> 00:20:21,330 CAN I GET A TOWEL? YES, OF COURSE. HEY, YOU AMERICAN? 182 00:20:21,330 --> 00:20:27,303 I AM, YEAH. ELLEN DEMENEMES? WHAT? 183 00:20:27,303 --> 00:20:34,877 YOU KNOW, THE TV LADY, ELLEN DEMENEMES. SHE ALWAYS COME OUT DANCING, YOU 184 00:20:34,877 --> 00:20:39,449 KNOW WHAT I MEAN? LIKE ELLEN DEMENEMES. YOU KNOW? 185 00:20:39,449 --> 00:20:44,220 OKAY. YOU DON'T KNOW ELLEN DEMENEMES? 186 00:20:44,220 --> 00:20:48,858 SHE'S MARRIED TO THE CAR. THE PORSCHE. THAT CHICK IS FUNNY, MAN. 187 00:20:48,858 --> 00:21:03,339 YEAH, ELLEN DeGENERES. CAN I PLEASE HAVE MY TOWEL? THAT TOOK WAY TOO LONG. 188 00:21:03,339 --> 00:21:12,115 YOU KNOW, LAST NIGHT, I SAW THIS MOVIE, "MISSION:IMPOSSIBLE" BUT THE MISSION NOT IMPOSSIBLE 189 00:21:12,115 --> 00:21:18,020 BECAUSE HE GOING TO DO IT. THEY SHOULD CALL IT MISSION:HE PROBABLY GOING TO DO 190 00:21:18,020 --> 00:21:22,225 IT. WHAT'S UP, FELLAS, CAN I GET A TOWEL POR FAVOR? 191 00:21:22,225 --> 00:21:37,440 MY FRIEND ON DUALINGO. YOU AMERICAN? YEAH. 192 00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:43,479 GIVE ME A CANNOLI OR I'M GOING TO DROWN YOU. THAT'S EASY FOR HIM BECAUSE HE 193 00:21:43,479 --> 00:21:45,648 STRONG. HEY, MAN. HERE'S YOUR TOWEL, MAN. 194 00:21:45,648 --> 00:21:53,990 GRACIAS. TOTAL DELL BANO. YOU'RE WELCOME TO THE 195 00:21:53,990 --> 00:21:59,595 BATHROOM, MAN. WHAT'S GOING ON? DID YOU GUYS SEE ELLEN 196 00:21:59,595 --> 00:22:04,367 DEMENEMES? ELLEN DEMENEMES. NO, SHE'S NOT HERE. 197 00:22:04,367 --> 00:22:09,939 I JUST WANTED TO CHECK IN WITH MY TWO FAVORITE TOWEL GUYS. QUESTION FOR YOU, MAN. 198 00:22:09,939 --> 00:22:14,110 IS IT TRUE YOU'RE TRYING TO REPLACE US WITH A MACHINE? NO. 199 00:22:14,110 --> 00:22:18,347 I WOULD NEVER DO THAT, NO. COULD YOU PLEASE? YEAH, MAN, BECAUSE THEN WE 200 00:22:18,347 --> 00:22:23,519 CAN DO DIFFERENT JOB IN THE HOTEL. I WANT TO FOLD THE TOILET PAPER 201 00:22:23,519 --> 00:22:28,224 INTO A LITTLE TRIANGLE SO FOR THE FIRST WIPE, IT'S CRAZY. YEAH. 202 00:22:28,224 --> 00:22:40,269 AND I WANT TO BE THE CONSIERGE. I GET A MAP, AND I CIRCLE THINGS ON THE MAP, AND THEN I SAY, YOU 203 00:22:40,269 --> 00:22:56,152 CAN GO THERE. AS WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE ONCE SAID, THE VERY SUBSTANCE OF A 204 00:22:56,152 --> 00:23:00,823 DREAM -- EXCUSE ME. I'M SORRY. 205 00:23:00,823 --> 00:23:07,697 I DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH YOU GUYS WANT TO KNOW A SECRET? I DO SPEAK ENGLISH. 206 00:23:07,697 --> 00:23:13,102 MAMACITAS, 2:00. CAN WE GET A TOWEL? YES, OF COURSE. 207 00:23:13,102 --> 00:23:20,576 IT'S ONE FOR THE OLD LITTLE MERMAID, AND ONE FOR THE NEW LITTLE MERMAID. 208 00:23:20,576 --> 00:23:26,883 * A WHOLE NEW GIRL * VERY FUNNY, GUYS. THAT SONG IS FROM ALADDIN. 209 00:23:26,883 --> 00:23:34,123 I WANT TO CLIMB ON A LADDER. I'M HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE DOWN HERE IN PUNTA CANA. 210 00:23:34,123 --> 00:23:37,126 THAT'S NICE. I LOVE THE WAY Y'ALL BE PLAYING WITH THE PLANTAIN. 211 00:23:37,126 --> 00:23:44,967 I DIDN'T THINK I WAS GOING TO LIKE IT, BUT NOW I'M LIKE, BANANA FOR DINNER, OKAY? 212 00:23:44,967 --> 00:23:52,475 YOU KNOW WHO YOU SOUND LIKE, THE FORRY GUM. THE GUY WHO CAN'T FIND YENNY. 213 00:23:52,475 --> 00:23:57,313 HIS BRAIN DON'T REACH HIS LEGS, SO HE CAN RUN FOREVER. I WANT TO THANK YOU FELLAS 214 00:23:57,313 --> 00:24:01,584 FOR ALL YOUR HELP TODAY. CAN I GIVE YOU SOMETHING FOR YOUR TROUBLE? 215 00:24:01,584 --> 00:24:05,922 WE IS ACCEPT TIPS, POPPY. I'LL DO YOU ONE BETTER THAN A TIP. 216 00:24:05,922 --> 00:24:13,663 HOW ABOUT A PRAYER. LORD, PLEASE PROTECT THESE WONDERFUL DOMINICAN GENTLEMEN 217 00:24:13,663 --> 00:24:18,835 FROM THE HARSH SUN. I WANTED MONEY, POPPY. THE MONEY WOU BE BETTER, MAN. 218 00:24:18,835 --> 00:24:24,407 LORD, PROTECT THEM FROM ALL EVIL IN JESUS' NAME, AMEN. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 219 00:24:24,407 --> 00:24:31,814 YOU KNOW, JESUS IS GOOD. BUT MONEY IS BETTER. YOU KNOW WHO HAS A LOT OF MONEY? 220 00:24:31,814 --> 00:24:43,126 ELLEN DEMENEMES. ELLEN DEMENEMES. * ELLEN DEMENEMES * 221 00:24:47,663 --> 00:24:52,902 AS A HOMEOWNER, YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO GO WRONG. I WANTED TO GIVE HIM A BATH. 222 00:24:52,902 --> 00:24:56,973 LUCKILY, STATE FARM HAS YOU COVERED NO MATTER WHAT THE ISSUE. 223 00:24:56,973 --> 00:25:01,277 WITH THE STATE FARM APP, YOU CAN FILE A CLAIM IN SECONDS SO YOU CAN GET BACK TO YOUR LIFE. 224 00:25:01,277 --> 00:25:06,716 WOW, THAT WAS EASY. THANKS, JAKE FROM STATE FARM. LIKE A GOOD NEIGHBOR, STATE 225 00:25:06,716 --> 00:25:09,919 FARM IS THERE. GUESS I WON'T BE LATE FOR WORK AFTER ALL. 226 00:25:09,919 --> 00:25:14,290 ONE MORE THING. IS THIS DRYER SAFE. BY, HON. 227 00:25:14,290 --> 00:25:19,195 HAVE A GREAT DAY. HEY, DO YOU WANT A CUP OF COFFEE? 228 00:25:19,195 --> 00:25:24,434 I WOULD LOVE ONE. NO MATTER WHAT YOUR INSURANCE NEEDS, STATE FARM HAS A POLICY 229 00:25:24,434 --> 00:25:28,938 FOR YOU. HELLO? OH, JAKE FROM STATE FARM. 230 00:25:28,938 --> 00:25:33,743 YOU'RE STILL HERE. UNLIKE OTHER INSURANCE COMPANIES, STATE FARM IS HERE 231 00:25:33,743 --> 00:25:38,247 FOR YOU 24/7. RIGHT. SO WHAT'S THE PLAN FOR DINNER? 232 00:25:38,247 --> 00:25:44,220 OH, JAKE AND THE KIDS AND I WENT OUT FOR PIZZA. BUT THERE SHOULD BE STUFF IN THE 233 00:25:44,220 --> 00:25:50,126 FRIDGE TO MAKE A SANDWICH. BOOM, BOOM, BOOM. TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME. 234 00:25:50,126 --> 00:26:00,870 I WILL. AND IN SPORTS, THE BLUE JAYS AND YANKEES MEET TONIGHT FOR THE 235 00:26:00,870 --> 00:26:06,576 DECIDING GAME. WHOA. LOOK WHO'S UP, SLEEPY HEAD. 236 00:26:06,576 --> 00:26:12,315 THINK FAST. HEY. WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU? 237 00:26:12,315 --> 00:26:15,551 JAKE AND I TOOK THE KIDS TO CHURCH. TO CHURCH? 238 00:26:15,551 --> 00:26:23,726 YES, TO CHURCH. AND I HAPPEN TO AGREE. NOW EXCUSE ME. 239 00:26:23,726 --> 00:26:27,830 YOU'RE GETTING IT. YOU'RE A NATURAL. GIVE ME SOME. 240 00:26:27,830 --> 00:26:32,301 LIKE A GOOD NEIGHBOR, STATE FARM IS THERE. SOME HEAT. 241 00:26:32,301 --> 00:26:41,310 STATE FARM IS THERE. I TAKE THE INSURANCE CLAIM. STATE FARM IS THERE. 242 00:26:41,310 --> 00:26:49,919 STATE FARM IS THERE. YOU LOOKING FOR BETTER RATES? JESUS. 243 00:26:49,919 --> 00:26:57,193 YOU KNOW YOU WON'T FIND THEM. STATE FARM IS RATE MATCHED EVEN IF YOU DO FIND CHEAPER COVERAGE, 244 00:26:57,193 --> 00:27:02,365 WE'LL JUST MATCH IT. THIS IS MY HOUSE, AND I WANT HIM GONE. 245 00:27:02,365 --> 00:27:09,806 HE IS NOT A GOOD NEIGHBOR! GET YOUR FINGER OUT OF MY FACE! 246 00:27:09,806 --> 00:27:19,982 SAVE EVEN MORE WHEN YOU BUNDLE HOME AND AUTO. SLEEP TIGHT. 247 00:27:19,982 --> 00:27:28,524 STATE FARM IS WITH YOU 24/7. I JUST WANTED A POLICY! LIKE A GOOD NEIGHBOR, STATE FARM 248 00:27:28,524 --> 00:27:41,704 IS THERE, AND HERE AND IN MY BED WITH MY WIFE! HE TOOK EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING! 249 00:27:41,704 --> 00:27:49,212 STEP AWAY FROM THE EDGE. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS, BUDDY * LIMU EMU * 250 00:27:49,212 --> 00:27:53,950 AND DOUG. LIMU AND I CAN HELP SNOENT LIBERTY, LIBERTY, LIBERTY * 251 00:27:57,453 --> 00:28:04,460 OKAY, GUYS. THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE TO LAY DOWN SOME VOICEOVER FOR THE 252 00:28:04,460 --> 00:28:07,930 MUCH-ANTICIPATED STREET FIGHTER 6 GAME. EXCITED TO BE HERE, THANKS. 253 00:28:07,930 --> 00:28:15,338 THRILLED TO BE ON BOARD. THANKS FOR BEING HERE LAST MINUTE, OUR LAST ACTOR QUIT DUE 254 00:28:15,338 --> 00:28:19,075 TO CREATIVE DIFFERENCES AND BECAUSE I SLEPT WITH HIS WIFE. ACTORS. 255 00:28:19,075 --> 00:28:24,447 I KNOW. SO TRACE, YOU WILL BE PLAYING KEN, A FORMER U.S. FIGHTING 256 00:28:24,447 --> 00:28:29,118 CHAMP. TOTALLY IN MY ELEMENT. I SERVED FOR THREE YEARS. 257 00:28:29,118 --> 00:28:36,759 DANNY, YOU ARE A MARTIAL ARTIST SEEKING TRUE STRENGTH, RYU. 258 00:28:36,759 --> 00:28:42,632 LOVE. FOR THE FIRST TAKE, LET'S GET YOU MAKING EFFORTS. 259 00:28:42,632 --> 00:28:46,569 TAKING BLOWS, HITS, EVERYTHING. ROLLING. AND ACTION. 260 00:28:46,569 --> 00:28:52,108 BOOM, AH! HA! HIYA! 261 00:28:52,108 --> 00:28:56,612 YES, THAT'S GREAT. DANNY, LET'S GET THE SAME FROM YOU. 262 00:28:56,612 --> 00:29:02,051 OKAY. WHOO! YEA! 263 00:29:02,051 --> 00:29:04,253 HOO! LET'S GO! THAT WAS REALLY FUN. 264 00:29:04,253 --> 00:29:07,890 THANKS FOR LETTING ME PLAY. YEAH. SO I GUESS WE WERE LOOKING FOR 265 00:29:07,890 --> 00:29:11,527 MORE GRUNTS, YOU KNOW? YOU'RE FIGHTING. YOU'RE IN PAIN. 266 00:29:11,527 --> 00:29:15,531 I SEE. SO MAYBE DO IT LIKE YOU'RE FIGHTING OR IN PAIN. 267 00:29:15,531 --> 00:29:18,601 GOT IT. TRACE, YOU DON'T NEED TO CHANGE WHAT YOU WERE DOING. 268 00:29:18,601 --> 00:29:23,873 BUT DANNY, MAYBE IT'S MORE AGGRESSIVE, ANIMALISTIC, THAT KIND OF THING. 269 00:29:23,873 --> 00:29:27,343 MM. YES, CHEF. ALL RIGHT. 270 00:29:27,343 --> 00:29:31,581 AND ACTION. UGH! ROUGH! 271 00:29:31,581 --> 00:29:38,688 HOO HOO! MEOW! CUT! 272 00:29:38,688 --> 00:29:41,157 NO, TRACE, DON'T MATCH WHAT HE'S DOING. OKAY. 273 00:29:41,157 --> 00:29:44,360 HE'S JUST AN AMAZING SCENE PARTNER, SO YOU KNOW. THANK YOU. 274 00:29:44,360 --> 00:29:47,830 I WAS JUST TAKING YOUR NOTE. YOU SAID TO DO ANIMALS. YEAH. 275 00:29:47,830 --> 00:30:01,411 BUT I SAID A BUNCH OCH STUFF BEFORE THAT. WELL, I HAVE AUDITORY BIASED, 276 00:30:01,411 --> 00:30:04,614 SO YOU CAN CAN'T SAY THAT TO ME, I CAN SUE YOU. DON'T FIGHT. 277 00:30:04,614 --> 00:30:10,920 IT REMINDS ME OF THE WAR. LET'S MOVE ON. WE NEED TO GET VERBAL PHRASES TO 278 00:30:10,920 --> 00:30:15,825 SAY DURING THE FIGHT. HEY, I LIKE YOUR NECKLACE. OH, THIS OLD THING? 279 00:30:15,825 --> 00:30:18,127 THANKS. YEA! KINDNESS WINS. 280 00:30:18,127 --> 00:30:25,168 WHAT ARE YOUR PRONOUNS? HE/HIM. I'LL TELL HIM. 281 00:30:25,168 --> 00:30:30,873 KENNETH, HE/THEY. WE CAN'T USE ANY OF THAT. OH, THAT MAKES ME SAD. 282 00:30:30,873 --> 00:30:35,078 IS THERE A REASON? YES. BECAUSE NO ONE SOUNDS LIKE THAT 283 00:30:35,078 --> 00:30:38,381 WHEN THEY FIGHT. THAT'S NOT TRUE. YOU REMIND ME EXACTLY OF SOMEONE 284 00:30:38,381 --> 00:30:42,985 I SERVED WITH IN IRAQ. OH, YOU WENT TO IRAQ. WHERE DID YOU STAY? 285 00:30:42,985 --> 00:30:48,291 DIDN'T WANT TO SAY THIS. BUT YOU NEED TO PLAY MORE HETERO. 286 00:30:48,291 --> 00:30:50,993 YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST SAID THAT FROM THE BEGINNING. I GOT IT. 287 00:30:50,993 --> 00:30:55,231 LET ROLL. HEY, BROTHER KEN, BY ACCEPTS LOOKING HUGE. 288 00:30:55,231 --> 00:30:59,235 YOU LOOK PRETTY SWOLE YOURSELF, BRO. I SAW YOU CHANGING IN THE 289 00:30:59,235 --> 00:31:05,808 LOCKER ROOM, BUT I WAS COMPLETELY SOFT, MY DUDE. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU KNEW 290 00:31:05,808 --> 00:31:11,681 MY NAME. EASY, BRO, MY WIFE IS ON THIS APP. 291 00:31:11,681 --> 00:31:16,119 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THIS ISN'T EVEN AN APP. IT'S A VIDEO GAME. 292 00:31:16,119 --> 00:31:21,991 OKAY THEN I'LL RACE YOU TO THE VIDEO CUBE, MY BROTHER. DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU WOULD 293 00:31:21,991 --> 00:31:27,363 SOUND LIKE THIS IN A REAL FIGHT? YES, I WOULD, BROTHER. OH, MY GOD. 294 00:31:27,363 --> 00:31:31,868 FRANK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I TOLD YOU I WOULD KILL YOU FOR SLEEPING WITH MY WIFE. 295 00:31:31,868 --> 00:31:34,771 DON'T WORRY. I'LL PROTECT YOU. WHOO! 296 00:31:34,771 --> 00:31:46,049 MEOW! WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED. YOU TWO JUST SAVED MY LIFE. 297 00:31:46,049 --> 00:31:51,921 YOU TWO JUST SAVED MY LIFE. NO, STEVEN. KEN AND RYU SAVED YOUR LIFE. 298 00:32:00,997 --> 00:32:19,148 BABY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ** 299 00:32:19,148 --> 00:32:20,683 * YEAH MADE IT OUT THE TRENCHES THIS TYPE OF LIFE 300 00:32:20,683 --> 00:32:22,585 I CAN GET USED TO * * NUMBER ONE ON YOUTUBE PRIVATE DINNER IN MALIBU * 301 00:32:22,585 --> 00:32:24,454 * SHOW YOU HOW TO WORK YOUR STICK AIN'T NOBODY 302 00:32:24,454 --> 00:32:26,189 GON' HANDLE YOU * * PUT YOU IN A PHANTOM 'CAUSE YOU MY LIL' BOO 303 00:32:26,189 --> 00:32:28,224 READY FOR WHATEVER I TIE UP MY BOOTS * * EVERYBODY GOIN' 304 00:32:28,224 --> 00:32:30,893 THE SAME ROUTE SO I SWITCHED UP MY ROUTE * * PEOPLE AIN'T 305 00:32:30,893 --> 00:32:33,730 WHAT THEY BE TALKIN' 'BOUT SO I SWITCHED UP MY CREW * * ACTIN' LIKE YOU LOVE ME 306 00:32:33,730 --> 00:32:36,299 KNOWIN' IT'S FLAW SO I'M GON' FAKE IT TOO * * WHAT ELSE 307 00:32:36,299 --> 00:32:39,035 AM I SUPPOSED TO DO * * AWARE OF MY SURROUNDINGS I DON'T MESS WITH Y'ALL 308 00:32:39,035 --> 00:32:41,671 DON'T COME AROUND ME * * BABY SWITCHED UP HOW THAT SOUND 309 00:32:41,671 --> 00:32:43,873 LIKE SOMEBODY IN HIS FEELINGS * * YOU CAN'T NAME 310 00:32:43,873 --> 00:32:46,008 SOMETHIN' I DID FLAW I'MA DYIN' BREED OF THE REALEST * 311 00:32:46,008 --> 00:32:48,211 * I AIN'T NEVER WORRY 'BOUT ANOTHER HITTA SO IN THAT CASE 312 00:32:48,211 --> 00:32:50,346 I'M THE BIGGEST * * I BEEN TRAVELLIN' AROUND THE WORLD 313 00:32:50,346 --> 00:32:53,049 MY PIVOT STILL AIN'T LEFT THE BUSINESS * * SHE GOT EVERYTHING I WANT 314 00:32:53,049 --> 00:32:55,151 AIN'T NO NEED TO MESS WITH THESE WOMEN* * YOU CAN GO 315 00:32:55,151 --> 00:32:57,887 AND HAVE A LIL' FUN I AIN'T GON' TRIP BABY I GET IT * 316 00:32:57,887 --> 00:32:59,555 * AIN'T MESSIN' AROUND IN THIS GAME WHEREVER THIS PLANE LAND 317 00:32:59,555 --> 00:33:02,258 I'M THE LIT-EST THERE * * TURN YOUR BACK ON ME I AIN'T EVEN CARE 318 00:33:02,258 --> 00:33:04,427 IF YOU NEED ME I'M STILL GON' BE THERE * * TELL ME HOW THE -- 319 00:33:04,427 --> 00:33:09,899 SWITCH ON WHO I WASN'T THERE * * -- THEM TOO I'M PREPARED 320 00:33:09,899 --> 00:33:12,435 I RUN THEM GET THAT CLEAR * HEART BROKE CAN'T DROP NO TEARS 321 00:33:12,435 --> 00:33:15,638 WAS WHAT IT WAS IS WHAT IT IS * * CALIFORNIA BREEZE 322 00:33:15,638 --> 00:33:19,409 TAKE HER OUT TO EAT STOP AT A LIL' PARTY END UP AT THE BIG HOUSE * 323 00:33:19,409 --> 00:33:25,948 * I CAN'T MESS WITH SHAWTY 'CAUSE SHE GOT A BIG MOUTH PULL UP IN A 'RARRI 324 00:33:25,948 --> 00:33:28,117 HOP OUT LIKE A BIG DAWG * * GET MYSELF TOGETHER FEEL LIKE I DONE 325 00:33:28,117 --> 00:33:30,853 TOOK TWO YEARS OFF * * BOOKIN' UP MY SCHEDULE I AIN'T RICH ENOUGH 326 00:33:30,853 --> 00:33:33,523 TO CHILL OUT * * I WATCHED YOU TURN SOUR I STILL DON'T KNOW 327 00:33:33,523 --> 00:33:36,793 HOW TO FEEL 'BOUT IT * * MAJORITY OF 'EM FOLDED BUT I'M STILL SOLID * 328 00:33:36,793 --> 00:33:39,128 * I'M STILL OUT HERE STILL DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL ABOUT IT * 329 00:33:39,128 --> 00:33:41,798 * EARLY IN THE MORNIN' TALKIN' TO MARQUIS ABOUT IT WONDERIN' SHOULD WE LET IT GO 330 00:33:41,798 --> 00:33:45,968 OR WE BEEFIN' 'BOUT IT * * KNOWIN' THAT I'LL GO COLD ON YOU FOR WEEKS ABOUT IT * 331 00:33:45,968 --> 00:33:47,603 * AND IT WASN'T EVEN THAT DEEP BUT THAT'S JUST 332 00:33:47,603 --> 00:33:50,306 HOW IT BE WITH ME * * I CAN'T LIE YOU BE DOIN' ME GOOD 333 00:33:50,306 --> 00:33:53,509 BUT GIRL SHE DOIN' ME BETTER * * I'M NOT SURPRISED THAT YOU STEREOTYPE ME 334 00:33:53,509 --> 00:33:56,813 TO BE A LIL' GUY * * BUT IF I CAN HAVE A SECOND OF YO' TIME 335 00:33:56,813 --> 00:33:59,515 TRY TO ELEVATE YO' MIND * * WE CAN CRUSH 'EM ON EVERY LEVEL 336 00:33:59,515 --> 00:34:02,752 I'M TELLIN' YOU * * I FELL IN LOVE WITH GENERATIN' REVENUE * 337 00:34:02,752 --> 00:34:05,421 * I KNOW THEY GON' TRY TO PUSH YOU FROM THE TOP SO I'M CAREFUL * 338 00:34:05,421 --> 00:34:08,124 * I PUT HITTAS UNDER MY WING LIKE THEY MY NEPHEW * * I'MA GIVE YOU 339 00:34:08,124 --> 00:34:10,793 EVERY PIECE OF GAME I GOT WHEN I CATCH YOU * * I'M JUST TRYNA 340 00:34:10,793 --> 00:34:14,530 LET YOU FEEL THE BREEZE WITH ME* * CALIFORNIA BREEZE 341 00:34:14,530 --> 00:34:18,835 TAKE HER OUT TO EAT STOP AT A LIL' PARTY END UP AT THE BIG HOUSE * 342 00:34:18,835 --> 00:34:23,673 * I CAN'T MESS WITH SHAWTY 'CAUSE SHE GOT A BIG MOUTH PULL UP IN A 'RARRI 343 00:34:23,673 --> 00:34:26,342 HOP OUT LIKE A BIG DAWG * * GET MYSELF TOGETHER FEEL LIKE I DONE 344 00:34:26,342 --> 00:34:29,579 TOOK TWO YEARS OFF * * BOOKIN' UP MY SCHEDULE I AIN'T RICH ENOUGH 345 00:34:29,579 --> 00:34:32,782 TO CHILL OUT * * I WATCHED YOU TURN SOUR I STILL DON'T KNOW 346 00:34:32,782 --> 00:34:36,552 HOW TO FEEL 'BOUT IT * * MAJORITY OF 'EM FOLDED BUT I'M STILL SOLID * 347 00:34:36,552 --> 00:34:40,823 * NO NO NO NO I'M SUPPOSED TO BE GONE WHERE I'M GON' GO * 348 00:34:40,823 --> 00:34:45,128 * TRYNA HOLD IT IN I CAN'T LET THIS STUFF SHOW IT CAN'T BE FORCED 349 00:34:45,128 --> 00:34:50,967 IT DON'T WORK LET IT GO * * I TRY TO TELL YOU YOU ACT LIKE YOU KNOW 350 00:34:50,967 --> 00:35:03,646 ACT LIKE YOU KNOW MM-MM MM-MM * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 351 00:35:16,092 --> 00:35:26,102 COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. 352 00:35:26,102 --> 00:35:31,974 WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE. I'M MICHAEL CHE. I'M COLIN JOST. 353 00:35:31,974 --> 00:35:38,181 MAYBE ANNOUNCED THAT IT WILL REINSTATE FORMER PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP'S ACCOUNT, BUT THIS 354 00:35:38,181 --> 00:35:42,719 TIME THEY'LL PUT GUARDRAILS IN PLACE TO KEEP HIM UNDER CONTROL, WHICH I THINK IS THE SAME THING 355 00:35:42,719 --> 00:35:48,825 THEY SAID EVERY TIME THEY TRY TODAY REOPEN JURASSIC PARK. ALSO, WHAT EVEN ARE GUARDRAILS 356 00:35:48,825 --> 00:35:55,765 ON FACEBOOK, AND CAN THEY APPLY TO MY UNCLE? BECAUSE HE'S POSTED SOME VERY 357 00:35:55,765 --> 00:36:01,304 DISTURBING FAN FICTION ABOUT THE GREEN MandM. REPRESENTATIVES FOR BILL 358 00:36:01,304 --> 00:36:08,711 CLINTON, GEORGE W. BUSH AND BARACK OBAMA SAID THEY ALL TURNED OVER CLASSIFIED RECORDS 359 00:36:08,711 --> 00:36:15,084 BEFORE LEAVING OFFICE WHILE JIMMY CARTER RELEASED A STATEMENT SAYING, COME GET THEM, 360 00:36:15,084 --> 00:36:20,623 YOU BASTARDS. A LAWYER FOR MIKE PENCE SAYS AFTER THEY DISCOVERED CLASSIFIED 361 00:36:20,623 --> 00:36:25,795 DOCUMENTS IN HIS HOME, PENCE STANDS READY AND WILLING TO FULLY COOPERATE. 362 00:36:25,795 --> 00:36:30,900 INCIDENTALLY, I STAND WILLING TO FULLY COOPERATE IS ALSO WHAT PENCE SAYS BEFORE SEX. 363 00:36:30,900 --> 00:36:38,775 DURING THE SENATE HEARINGS INVESTIGATING LIVE NATION AND THE MONOPOLY ON CONCERT TICKET 364 00:36:38,775 --> 00:36:43,413 SALES, FANS OF TAYLOR SWIFT PROTESTED OUTSIDE THE CAPITOL. AND ONLY TWO YEARS AFTER THEIR 365 00:36:43,413 --> 00:36:55,224 DADS WERE THERE. [ LAUGHTER ] SENATOR RICK SCOTT SEEN HERE 366 00:36:55,224 --> 00:37:00,430 LEARNING THAT HARRY POTTER HAS FALLEN INTO HIS TRAP, ANNOUNCED THAT HE IS RUNNING FOR 367 00:37:00,430 --> 00:37:04,534 RE-ELECTION PROMISING TO FINISH THE BORDER WALL AND NAME IT AFTER DONALD TRUMP. 368 00:37:04,534 --> 00:37:14,544 EVEN THOUGH MOST THINGS NAMED AFTER DONALD TRUMP ARE COMPLETE FAILURES. 369 00:37:14,544 --> 00:37:20,783 GEORGE SANTOS ADMITTED THAT WHILE LIVING IN BRAZIL, HE DID DRESS IN DRAG, BUT SAID HE WAS 370 00:37:20,783 --> 00:37:23,753 NOT A DRAG QUEEN. OKAY, HONEY. WE KNEW THAT FROM YOUR 371 00:37:23,753 --> 00:37:34,163 CONTOURING. RONNA McDANIEL WAS RE-ELECTED AS CHAIR OF THE REPUBLICAN 372 00:37:34,163 --> 00:37:42,371 NATIONAL COMMITTEE IN A CLOSER THAN EXPECTED VOTE OVER CHALLENGERS HARMEET DHILLON, 373 00:37:42,371 --> 00:37:54,517 MIKE LYNN DELL, TWITTER USER CAT TURD 2 AND OF COURSE COLIN JOST. THAT ELECTION WAS RIGGED. 374 00:37:54,517 --> 00:37:59,789 GOOGLE ANNOUNCED IT IS CUTTING 12,000 JOBS WHILE YAHOO ANNOUNCED IT IS NOW RUN BY A 375 00:37:59,789 --> 00:38:07,530 FAMILY OF RACCOONS. POPE FRANCIS CRITICIZED LAWS BANNING HOMO SEXUALITY AS UNJUST 376 00:38:07,530 --> 00:38:14,670 SAYING IT'S NOT A CRIME EVEN THOUGH CATHOLIC DOCTRINE VIEWS IT AS A SIN. 377 00:38:14,670 --> 00:38:23,079 THEY ALSO SAID THEY VIEW AGE AS NOTHING BUT A NUMBER. DISNEY WORLD IS CLOSING 378 00:38:23,079 --> 00:38:31,187 SPLASH MOUNTAIN TO TURN IT INTO TIANA'S BAYOU ADVENTURE AFTER CLAIMS THE THEME SONG WAS 379 00:38:31,187 --> 00:38:35,992 RACIST. WHERE'S THE OUTRAGE ABOUT DISNEY FORCING A MENTALLY CHALLENGED 380 00:38:35,992 --> 00:38:38,227 WHERE'S THE OUTRAGE ABOUT DISNEY FORCING A MENTALLY CHALLENGED DWARF TO MINE BLOOD DIAMONDS? 381 00:38:42,398 --> 00:38:48,104 2023. HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT IS THE NEW DOORMAN TO MY BUILDING, CARL. 382 00:38:48,104 --> 00:38:51,941 HEY! WHAT'S UP, MR. CHE? HOW YOU DOING, MAN? 383 00:38:51,941 --> 00:38:56,779 JUST A LITTLE REMINDER. I NOTED YOU HAVEN'T GIVEN ME AN END OF THE YEAR TIP YET. 384 00:38:56,779 --> 00:39:01,317 YOU JUST STARTED. OH. WELL, MAYBE SOON THEN. 385 00:39:01,317 --> 00:39:07,156 YOU REMEMBER THAT NIGHT? WHEN THINGS GOT WILD? I TALKED TO THE POLICE FOR YOU. 386 00:39:07,156 --> 00:39:09,726 I DON'T REMEMBER THAT. I KNOW, RIGHT? YEAH. 387 00:39:09,726 --> 00:39:17,133 HARD TO KEEP TRACK OF ALL THE CRAZY NIGHTS WHEN MR. MICHAEL CHE IS YOUR TENANT. 388 00:39:17,133 --> 00:39:22,805 JUST REMEMBER WHICH NIGHT IS WILD AND WHICH NIGHT IS JUST REGULAR. 389 00:39:22,805 --> 00:39:25,174 WE LIVING THAT LIFE, CHE. WE? OH, YEAH, MAN. 390 00:39:25,174 --> 00:39:32,415 WE DOING THE DAMN THING. MY DOG. SO WHAT'S THIS? 391 00:39:32,415 --> 00:39:36,786 WHAT YOU DOING HERE, MAN? THIS IS SNL, MAN. IT'S MY JOB. 392 00:39:36,786 --> 00:39:40,990 OH. OH, OKAY. OH, SO YOU JUST OUT HERE MAKING 393 00:39:40,990 --> 00:39:51,634 THE BIG BUCKS IN A HALF SUIT AND JEANS. CHE, CHE. 394 00:39:51,634 --> 00:39:56,506 WHAT, MAN. YOU KNOW THAT LADY CAME AROUND LOOKING FOR YOU AGAIN, 395 00:39:56,506 --> 00:39:58,107 MAN. WHO? YOU KNOW THAT ONE. 396 00:39:58,107 --> 00:40:01,110 THE LADY. SHE'S LIKE REAL SMART. ALL RIGHT. 397 00:40:01,110 --> 00:40:05,181 ALWAYS MAD. SHE CAME INTO THE BUILDING AGAIN ASKING ABOUT YOU, MAN. 398 00:40:05,181 --> 00:40:12,688 DON'T WORRY. I TOLD HER YOU MOVED TO JAMAICA. I DID GOOD, RIGHT? 399 00:40:12,688 --> 00:40:16,159 WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT? I'M ABSOLUTELY HERE IN NEW YORK LIVE ON TV RIGHT NOW. 400 00:40:16,159 --> 00:40:20,863 SHE AIN'T WATCHING. WELL, THANK YOU, CARL. HEY, CHE. 401 00:40:20,863 --> 00:40:26,269 CHE. YOU KNOW THAT LITTLE KID CAME AROUND LOOKING FOR YOU, RIGHT? 402 00:40:26,269 --> 00:40:32,542 HE WAS TALKING ABOUT, TELL CHE MY MAMA SAID HE GOT TO TAKE ME TO THE ZOO. 403 00:40:32,542 --> 00:40:37,547 HE SAID HIS NAME WAS DEMICHAEL OR SOMETHING. THAT'S NOT MY KID. 404 00:40:37,547 --> 00:40:44,554 THAT'S RIGHT! THAT'S WHAT I TOLD THAT LITTLE DUMMY. 405 00:40:44,554 --> 00:40:48,224 TEAMWORK MAKE THE DREAM WORK. THANK YOU FOR STOPPING BY, MAN. 406 00:40:48,224 --> 00:40:52,495 HEY, CHE. YOU KNOW THAT DOG CAME AROUND LOOKING FOR YOU, RIGHT? 407 00:40:52,495 --> 00:40:58,234 HE GOT THAT BARK LIKE, RRR, CHE, CHE, CHE. I SWEAR THAT'S WHAT HE BE 408 00:40:58,234 --> 00:41:01,137 SAYING, MAN. I UNDERSTOOD THE DOG TALK THOUGH. 409 00:41:01,137 --> 00:41:05,641 HEY, MAN, WHO IS CORNELIUS? I DON'T KNOW. YOU SURE? 410 00:41:05,641 --> 00:41:13,182 BECAUSE EVERY NIGHT AT 8:00, THIS MAN SHOWS UP AND LEAVES ONE SHOE ON MY DESK AND SAYS, TELL 411 00:41:13,182 --> 00:41:18,855 MICHAEL CHE THIS IS FROM CORNELIUS. AND IF HE WANTS THE OTHER SHOE, 412 00:41:18,855 --> 00:41:24,227 TELL HIM TO MEET ME UNDER THE BRIDGE. NEW YORK IS WILD, MAN. 413 00:41:24,227 --> 00:41:31,434 OKAY. NOW I KNOW YOU HAVE TO GO. I MEAN, WHO'S WATCHING THE 414 00:41:31,434 --> 00:41:33,169 BUILDING RIGHT NOW? DON'T WORRY. I PUT A SIGN UP SAYING, YOU 415 00:41:33,169 --> 00:41:39,242 LOOKING FOR MICHAEL CHE, JUST CALL 917 -- DON'T GIVE THEM MY PHONE 416 00:41:39,242 --> 00:41:42,145 NUMBER. WHY NOT? THAT'S AGAINST THE RULES. 417 00:41:42,145 --> 00:41:47,016 IT IS? WELL, I GUESS THAT'S WHY I'M A DOORMAN AND YOU HERE MAKING 418 00:41:47,016 --> 00:41:55,992 CRAZY MONEY USING THAT DESK TO HIDE YOUR DIRTY JEANS. CARL MY 419 00:41:58,361 --> 00:42:04,000 THE DALLAS ZOO HAS BEEN DEALING WITH THE DISAPPEARANCE OF SEVERAL ANIMALS INCLUDING A 420 00:42:04,000 --> 00:42:10,973 LEOPARD, MONKEYS AND A VULTURE. IN AN UNRELATED STORY, CHECK OUT MY AMAZING COAT. 421 00:42:10,973 --> 00:42:15,845 OFFICIALS AT TIKTOK ARE TRYING TO STOP EFFORTS IN CONGRESS TO BAN THE APP BY 422 00:42:15,845 --> 00:42:21,718 LAUNCHING A CAMPAIGN CALLED PROJECT TEXAS BECAUSE TIKTOK IS THEIR BABY AND THEY KNOW TEXAS 423 00:42:21,718 --> 00:42:31,928 WON'T LET THEM GET RID OF IT. A NEW AI CHAT BOX HAS CREATED CON TO TRO VER SI AFTER IT 424 00:42:31,928 --> 00:42:42,271 ALLOWED USERS TO TALK WITH JESUS AND HITLER, AND ONE GUY WHO THINKS HE'S BOTH. 425 00:42:42,271 --> 00:42:47,377 JUST NEWS, GUYS. A 23-YEAR-OLD CHIHUAHUA IN OHIO NAMED SPIKE HAS BEEN 426 00:42:47,377 --> 00:42:53,216 OFFICIALLY NAMED THE WORLD'S OLDEST LIVING DOG. THE SECRET TO SPIKE'S LONG LIFE, 427 00:42:53,216 --> 00:43:03,826 A LOT OF CHIHUAHUAS LOOK THE SAME. CHIPOTLE HAS ANNOUNCED PLANS TO 428 00:43:03,826 --> 00:43:10,366 HIRE 15,000 PEOPLE TO PREPARE FOR ITS BUSIEST TIME OF YEAR, WHICH THEY ARE CALLING BURRITO 429 00:43:10,366 --> 00:43:16,839 SEASON, AND TOILETS ARE CALLING THE APOCALYPSE. RESEARCHERS IN ANTARCTICA 430 00:43:16,839 --> 00:43:23,179 HAVE DISCOVERED A 17-POUND MEET RITE. SADLY, IT WAS ON TOP OF THE LAST 431 00:43:23,179 --> 00:43:31,621 POLAR BEAR. A MATTRESS REVIEW SITE IS PAYING PEOPLE TO TEST THE THEORY 432 00:43:31,621 --> 00:43:35,358 THAT EATING CHEESE BEFORE BED WILL GIVE F GIVE A PERSON NIGHTMARES. 433 00:43:35,358 --> 00:43:42,465 BUT IF YOU'RE IN BED EATING CHEESE UNTIL YOU PASS OUT, YOUR LIFE IS ALREADY A NIGHTMARE. 434 00:43:43,366 --> 00:43:48,337 THIS WEEK, WENDY'S ANNOUNCED THEY WOULD BE BRINGING BACK THEIR VANILLA FROSTY AFTER A 435 00:43:48,337 --> 00:43:53,876 BRIEF HIATUS IN 2022. HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH HER GOOD NEWS REPORT IS EVERY 436 00:43:53,876 --> 00:44:00,183 BOXER'S GIRLFRIEND FROM EVERY BOXING MOVIE ABOUT BOXING EVER. HI, HI, HI. 437 00:44:00,183 --> 00:44:04,987 HOW YOU DOING? HOW ARE YOU, ANGEL? I'VE BEEN BETTER. 438 00:44:04,987 --> 00:44:09,525 DOES YOUR BOYFRIEND TOMMY HAVE A FIGHT TONIGHT? HE BETTER NOT BECAUSE THE 439 00:44:09,525 --> 00:44:14,864 LAST GUY HIT TOMMY SO HARD, THERE'S NO MORE CLAMS IN HIS CHOWDER. 440 00:44:14,864 --> 00:44:22,338 I LOVE HIM SO MUCH, BUT I SWEAR TO GOD, IF HE FIGHTS AGAIN, I'M TAKING THE KIDS TO MY SISTER'S. 441 00:44:22,338 --> 00:44:31,013 GOT IT. IN GOOD NEWS, THE VANILLA FROSTY IS MAKING A COME BACK. 442 00:44:31,013 --> 00:44:39,188 AWW. YOU THINK VANILLA HAS A SHOT GOING UP AGAINST CHOCOLATE, 443 00:44:39,188 --> 00:44:46,329 YOU'RE SICK. IF I SEE IT UP ON THE MENU, I'M TAKING MY KIDS TO MY SISTER'S. 444 00:44:46,329 --> 00:44:49,432 ALL OF THEM. YOU DOING OKAY, ANGEL? BARELY. 445 00:44:49,432 --> 00:44:53,302 I'M DOING A LOT BETTER THAN TOMMY. CREED RUINED HIM, CHE. 446 00:44:53,302 --> 00:44:59,342 WAIT, TOMMY FOUGHT ADONIS CREED? CREED HIT TOMMY SO HARD, HIS 447 00:44:59,342 --> 00:45:04,080 EYES FLEW OUT. LANDED IN PEPPER'S LAP. THE ONE NIGHT I FORGOT TO TAKE 448 00:45:04,080 --> 00:45:08,084 THE KIDS TO MY SISTER'S. JESUS. SO WHERE IS HE? 449 00:45:08,084 --> 00:45:12,188 I KNOW CREED'S HERE. YOU HAVE BEEN ADVERTISING THE FIGHT ALL WEEK. 450 00:45:12,188 --> 00:45:17,894 CREED VERSUS LIL BABY LIVE ON PEACOCK. ANGEL, THERE'S NO FIGHT 451 00:45:17,894 --> 00:45:21,197 TONIGHT. OH, YEAH? YEAH. 452 00:45:21,197 --> 00:45:29,605 THEN WHAT'S ALL THIS? CAMERAS, COLDOUT CROWD. I'M LOOKING AT JAMIE FOX AND 453 00:45:29,605 --> 00:45:36,746 GINA GERSHAUN SITTING FRONT ROW NEXT TO COCAINE BEAR. THAT'S JUST A BLACK GUY 454 00:45:36,746 --> 00:45:40,116 SITTING NEXT TO A WHITE WOMAN IN A BIG COAT. I DON'T CARE. 455 00:45:40,116 --> 00:45:47,223 I WANT CREED! ANGEL! ADONIS CREED. 456 00:45:47,223 --> 00:45:53,129 YOU KNOW YOU'RE THE REASON MY KIDS' DAD WATCHES FOR SESAME STREET THAN THEY DO? 457 00:45:53,129 --> 00:45:57,133 YOU EVER THINK ABOUT US, ANGEL. DON'T. 458 00:45:57,133 --> 00:46:07,610 REMEMBER? BEFORE TOMMY, THERE WAS CREEDY. YOU REMEMBER LIL NICKY? 459 00:46:07,610 --> 00:46:13,416 HE'S YOURS, CREED. WHAT? TOMMY NEVER ASKED WHY ONE OF HIS 460 00:46:13,416 --> 00:46:17,286 KIDS WAS BLACK? TOMMY DON'T SEE COLOR. THAT'S NICE. 461 00:46:17,286 --> 00:46:25,995 NO. HE DON'T SEE ANY COLORS, NUMBERS, OR SHAPES. 462 00:46:25,995 --> 00:46:33,302 HIS POTATO IS BAKED, CREEDY. LOOK AT ME. YOU'RE COMING HOME WITH ME 463 00:46:33,302 --> 00:46:37,440 TONIGHT. BUT WHAABOUT TOMMY? WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS? 464 00:46:37,440 --> 00:46:42,812 LISTEN, FROM NOW ON, I'M TAKING THE KIDS TO YOUR SISTER'S. 465 00:46:42,812 --> 00:46:49,619 SISTER'S. EVERY BOXER'S GIRLFRIEND AND ADONIS CREED, EVERYBODY. 466 00:47:01,631 --> 00:47:06,769 PEOPLE WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ME. NOW ROAR LIKE A LION. ROAR! 467 00:47:06,769 --> 00:47:10,940 LOUDER. RAWR! WOW, GIVE IT UP FOR RON, 468 00:47:10,940 --> 00:47:13,142 EVERYBODY. YES, I HAVE CHILLS. SEE. 469 00:47:13,142 --> 00:47:16,279 THAT'S WHAT MALE CHARISMA TRAINING IS ALL ABOUT, CONFIDENCE. 470 00:47:16,279 --> 00:47:24,987 YOU SEE, I USED TO BE A LOT LIKE YOU GUYS, AWKWARD, HATED MY BODY, WALKED AROUND LIKE THIS, 471 00:47:24,987 --> 00:47:30,259 BLAH! BUT THEN, I DEVELOPED MY SOCIAL MASTERY PROGRAM. 472 00:47:30,259 --> 00:47:38,968 NOW I STAND LIKE AN ALPHA. I'VE GOT THE SCARF. YOU'VE TAKEN BY CLASS BEFORE, 473 00:47:38,968 --> 00:47:42,905 YES? THREE TIMES, YES. AND I HAVE AN UPDATE. 474 00:47:42,905 --> 00:47:46,275 I GOT A GIRLFRIEND NOW. HELL YES. WHAT WAS YOUR APPROACH? 475 00:47:46,275 --> 00:47:54,817 WELL, SHE'S NOT A GIRLFRIEND. SHE'S ACTUALLY LIKE A BARISTA. BUT, HEY, YOU INTRODUCED 476 00:47:54,817 --> 00:47:57,887 YOURSELF, RIGHT? NO, SIR. SO YOU SAW A GIRL AT A COFFEE 477 00:47:57,887 --> 00:48:01,591 SHOP. ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR HIM. THAT'S NOT NOTHING, FOLKS. 478 00:48:01,591 --> 00:48:07,096 THAT'S NOT NOTHING. YES, A QUESTION IN THE BACK. WHERE DO YOU WANT THIS WATER 479 00:48:07,096 --> 00:48:11,134 DELIVERY? I DON'T KNOW, DUDE. DO I LOOK LIKE I WORK FOR THE 480 00:48:11,134 --> 00:48:14,070 HOTEL? OH, OKAY. MY APOLOGIES. 481 00:48:14,070 --> 00:48:18,207 YOU, QUESTION. YEAH. I'M PRETTY LONELY. 482 00:48:18,207 --> 00:48:21,778 I HAVE A JOB. I FEEL LIKE I'M DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT. 483 00:48:21,778 --> 00:48:26,582 I JUST GET NERVOUS THAT WOMEN ARE GOING TO MAKE FUN OF ME IF I APPROACH THEM. 484 00:48:26,582 --> 00:48:37,660 UH-HUH, UH-HUH. AND WHAT DO YOU DO FOR WORK? I CRITIQUE FEMALE STANDUPS ON 485 00:48:37,660 --> 00:48:40,129 YOUTUBE. SURE. AFTER ONE SESSION HERE, NOTHING 486 00:48:40,129 --> 00:48:44,434 WILL RATTLE YOU. ANYBODY OUT THERE, SAY THE MEANEST THING YOU CAN THINK 487 00:48:44,434 --> 00:48:50,873 ABOUT ME. ANYBODY. FOREHEAD. 488 00:48:50,873 --> 00:48:57,513 SORRY. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? FOREHEAD. 489 00:48:57,513 --> 00:49:01,884 OKAY. SURE. IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE 490 00:49:01,884 --> 00:49:08,224 HAVE A WEIRD FOREHEAD. JUST KEEP TALKING, GOOFY. I'M NOT GOOFY. 491 00:49:08,224 --> 00:49:14,063 I'M ACTUALLY REGULAR. LISTEN, WHEN YOU APPROACH A LADY, WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IS 492 00:49:14,063 --> 00:49:17,800 TAKE AN ALPHA BODY STANCE. BROAD SHOULDERS. BROAD FOREHEAD. 493 00:49:17,800 --> 00:49:22,605 SIR, I'M FINE IF YOU STAY, JUST DON'T DISRUPT ME, PLEASE. NO. 494 00:49:22,605 --> 00:49:25,074 I MIGHT. I MIGHT. OH, OKAY. 495 00:49:25,074 --> 00:49:30,513 LOOK. NO MATTER WHAT A LADY THROWS AT YOU, AND THEY CAN SAY SOME 496 00:49:30,513 --> 00:49:34,550 PRETTY RANDOM STUFF, JUST ROLL WITH IT. I NEED A VOLUNTEER. 497 00:49:34,550 --> 00:49:40,089 I THINK YOU STOOD UP FIRST, SIR. IF YOU'RE COOL WITH IT. YOU DON'T MIND IF I DO THIS, 498 00:49:40,089 --> 00:49:43,459 RIGHT? YEAH. YEAH. 499 00:49:43,459 --> 00:49:48,131 SEE, DEXTER'S LAB IS COOL WITH YOU. GO AHEAD, GOOFY. 500 00:49:48,131 --> 00:49:52,268 NOT GOOFY. I'M GOING TO DO WHAT I CALL A BASIC OPENING. 501 00:49:52,268 --> 00:49:55,738 HEY, GODDESS. WHAT'S YOUR NAME? YOU A BITCH. 502 00:49:55,738 --> 00:49:59,842 HEY. HEY. JUST DO THE EXERCISE. 503 00:49:59,842 --> 00:50:04,013 WHAT'S YOUR NAME? FOREHEAD JACKSON. IT'S NOT. 504 00:50:04,013 --> 00:50:06,482 PLEASE SIT DOWN. I'M GOOD HERE. THAT'S FINE. 505 00:50:06,482 --> 00:50:10,987 ANY FINAL QUESTIONS? YEAH. I WAS WONDERING IF YOU HAVE ANY 506 00:50:10,987 --> 00:50:15,925 TIPS ON COPING WITH HAVING A BIG OLD FOREHEAD. I DON'T HAVE A BIG OLD 507 00:50:15,925 --> 00:50:19,095 FOREHEAD, OKAY? I'M NOT LIKE YOU, DUDE. I'M COOL. 508 00:50:19,095 --> 00:50:24,033 I GOT THE SCARF, THE RINGS. YOU KNOW I'M IN CHARGE LIKE IMMEDIATELY. 509 00:50:24,033 --> 00:50:27,804 YOU GOT A JIMMY NEUTRON HEAD, BRO. HE KIND OF DOES. 510 00:50:27,804 --> 00:50:32,375 NO. NO, MY HEAD IS REGULAR. NOT JIMMY NEUTRON. 511 00:50:32,375 --> 00:50:38,948 IT'S LIKE IF JIMMY NEUTRON DID STREET MAGIC, THAT'S YOU. NO, IT'S NOT. 512 00:50:38,948 --> 00:50:41,484 DAMN IT. Y'ALL WANT TO GO GET A BURGER? 513 00:50:41,484 --> 00:50:45,588 I FEEL LIKE I CAN TEACH YOU SOME THINGS. WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOING? 514 00:50:45,588 --> 00:50:49,759 THINGS. WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOING? I WANT TO COME TOO. 515 00:51:00,536 --> 00:51:05,742 AFTER ALL THIS WEDDING PLANNING, I NEEDED THIS PALM SPRINGS TRIP, OKAY? 516 00:51:05,742 --> 00:51:12,281 WELL, YOUR BACHELORETTE WEEKEND AIN'T OVER YET, HONEY. OH, MY GOSH. 517 00:51:12,281 --> 00:51:15,485 DON'T TELL ME. DON'T TELL ME. IT'S ABOUT TO GET HOT IN 518 00:51:15,485 --> 00:51:22,525 HERE. AHH! HELLO, LADIES. 519 00:51:22,525 --> 00:51:29,232 MY NAME IS VINCE, AND I JUST GOT WORD THAT Y'ALL'S BUILDING IS OUT OF CODE, AND THAT MAKES ME 520 00:51:29,232 --> 00:51:36,939 HORNY. YOU GUYS ARE SO BAD. THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. 521 00:51:36,939 --> 00:51:45,748 I'M ABOUT TO INTRODUCE Y'ALL TO MY FRIENDS, POP AND LOCK. YEA! 522 00:51:45,748 --> 00:51:52,555 IT'S SO HOT. YOU'RE WELCOME. I SAW HIM ON THE WEBSITE, AND I 523 00:51:52,555 --> 00:51:59,028 WAS IMMEDIATELY ROCK HARD. OKAY, MR. POP AND LOCK. OH, MY GOD! 524 00:51:59,028 --> 00:52:04,434 THIS IS CRAZY! HOW RED IS MY FACE RIGHT NOW? WE ALL GOING TO BLUSH 525 00:52:04,434 --> 00:52:09,338 TONIGHT, GIRLS. WE ALL GOING TO BLUSH. YOUR TURN, BRIDE TO BE. 526 00:52:09,338 --> 00:52:16,012 UH-OH, DO WE HAVE ANOTHER FIRE FIGHTER. NOT THAT WE PAID FOR. 527 00:52:16,012 --> 00:52:23,519 HEY. I'M SORRY TO BUG Y'ALL. VINCE, BABE, MY PHONE DIED. 528 00:52:23,519 --> 00:52:31,961 WHO IS THAT? OH, MY BAD. THIS IS MY WIFE, JANINANEEN. 529 00:52:31,961 --> 00:52:38,000 HEY. OH, I HATE TO ASK. CAN I CHARGE MY GALAXY FOR 530 00:52:38,000 --> 00:52:42,138 LITERALLY TWO MINUTES? SURE, I GUESS. THANK YOU SO MUCH. 531 00:52:42,138 --> 00:52:48,311 MY MOM GOT GLUTE SURGERY TODAY, AND WE'RE PRAYING SHE'S OKAY. WOW, THE HOSPITALITY IN HERE 532 00:52:48,311 --> 00:52:53,816 IS BIBLICAL. THANK YOU, QUEENS. YOU ALL RIGHT, BABE? 533 00:52:53,816 --> 00:52:58,554 I'M CHARGING. OH, PICTURES OF MY MOM'S NEW ASS JUST CAME IN. 534 00:52:58,554 --> 00:53:01,457 SHE MADE IT. GOD IS GOOD. OKAY. 535 00:53:01,457 --> 00:53:04,794 NOW WATCH MY KING STRIP. HIT IT. WHERE WAS I? 536 00:53:04,794 --> 00:53:09,866 OH, YEAH. I WAS INTRODUCING Y'ALL TO MY FRIENDS, POP AND LOCK. 537 00:53:09,866 --> 00:53:14,237 OH, YEAH. THERE HE IS. WOW. 538 00:53:14,237 --> 00:53:18,641 SIT ON THEM, VINCE. SIT ON THEM. YES. 539 00:53:18,641 --> 00:53:24,514 HE MADE THIS, HE MADE THIS. HE MADE THIS, HE MADE THIS. OH, OKAY. 540 00:53:24,514 --> 00:53:28,117 OKAY. HE MADE THIS, HE MADE THIS. OKAY. 541 00:53:28,117 --> 00:53:31,320 YOU KNOW, I'M SO SORRY. I CAN'T, YOU GUYS. I CAN'T. 542 00:53:31,320 --> 00:53:35,992 YEAH. YOU KNOW, I THINK I WAS ENVISIONING JUST LIKE ONE DANCER 543 00:53:35,992 --> 00:53:40,229 AND NOT LIKE A PREGNANT WOMAN WITH A REALLY LONG PHONE CHARGER. 544 00:53:40,229 --> 00:53:45,134 OH, GIRL, DON'T HOLD BACK BECAUSE OF ME. YOU CAN TOUCH HIM. 545 00:53:45,134 --> 00:53:47,036 YOU CAN KISS HIM. I PROMISE YOU. I DON'T MIND, AND SHE DON'T 546 00:53:47,036 --> 00:53:53,776 MIND. SEE, SEE. I LOVE THAT ABOUT US. 547 00:53:53,776 --> 00:53:57,980 100% TRUST. OH, I HOPE AND PRAY TO GOD YOU FIND THAT IN YOUR WEDDING. 548 00:53:57,980 --> 00:54:00,116 I HOPE AND PRAY TO GOD. OKAY. THANK YOU. 549 00:54:00,116 --> 00:54:03,753 HIT IT. OKAY. BECAUSE THAT ONE, MY FRIENDS, 550 00:54:03,753 --> 00:54:08,558 THAT KEEPS THE RELATIONSHIP ALIVE. THAT KEEPS THE SEXUALITY ALIVE. 551 00:54:08,558 --> 00:54:13,096 OKAY. SO THIS IS GETTING JUST A LITTLE BIT WEIRD. 552 00:54:13,096 --> 00:54:18,334 GUYS, WE ALREADY PAID HIM THE 30 BUCKS. JUST LET HIM FINISH. 553 00:54:18,334 --> 00:54:24,607 30 BUCKS? MY PEANUT BUTTER COSTS 30 BUCKS. BITCH, WHERE YOU GETTING 554 00:54:24,607 --> 00:54:29,645 PEANUT BUTTER? I'M SORRY. ARE THEY PRAYING? 555 00:54:29,645 --> 00:54:35,585 I HUMBLY THANK GOD FOR THE POWER TO STRIP. AND I THANK THE LORD FOR 556 00:54:35,585 --> 00:54:40,857 THESE CHICKS LETTING ME CHARGE MY GALAXY. AMEN. 557 00:54:40,857 --> 00:54:46,996 WHERE WAS I? OH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. I WAS INTRODUCING Y'ALL TO MY 558 00:54:46,996 --> 00:54:51,701 TWO FRIENDS POP AND LOCK. WE ALREADY MET THEM. HEY, HOES, WHO WANTS TO RIDE 559 00:54:51,701 --> 00:54:59,208 HIS HOSE? WHOOP, WHOOP. THIS IS STRESSING ME OUT. 560 00:54:59,208 --> 00:55:02,945 I FEEL LIKE WE'RE GOING TO END UP ON THE NEWS. OKAY. 561 00:55:02,945 --> 00:55:05,481 ALL RIGHT. OKAY, ALL RIGHT. ENOUGH, ENOUGH. 562 00:55:05,481 --> 00:55:07,917 WE'RE DONE. WE'RE DONE. YES. 563 00:55:07,917 --> 00:55:10,620 THIS IS NOT WHAT WE PAID FOR. OKAY? NO. 564 00:55:10,620 --> 00:55:15,158 YOU GOT MORE THAN WHAT YOU PAID FOR. THREE STRIPPERS FOR THE PRICE OF 565 00:55:15,158 --> 00:55:20,296 ONE. MA'AM, PLEASE TOP REFERRING TO YOUR FETUS AS A STRIPPER. 566 00:55:20,296 --> 00:55:26,936 OH, MY GOD. MY WATER BROKE! OH, MY GOD! 567 00:55:26,936 --> 00:55:32,341 WAIT WAB HOW PREGNANT IS SHE? JUST A LITTLE OVER A YEAR, BUT WHATEVER. 568 00:55:32,341 --> 00:55:37,113 I'M CALLING AN AMBULANCE. WE DON'T HAVE TIME. I'LL HAVE THE BABY HERE WITH MY 569 00:55:37,113 --> 00:55:39,215 GIRLS. OKAY. WE GOT THIS, GIRLS. 570 00:55:39,215 --> 00:55:41,350 WE GOT THIS. OKAY. HIT THE MUSIC. 571 00:55:41,350 --> 00:55:50,827 OH, MY GOD. * PUSH, PUSH, PUSH * * PUSH, PUSH, PUSH * 572 00:55:50,827 --> 00:55:54,964 * PUSH, PUSH, PUSH * * PUSH, PUSH, PUSH * HERE WE GO! 573 00:56:08,778 --> 00:56:15,885 ** * I KNOW YOU MISS ME WHO IT'S GON' BE 574 00:56:15,885 --> 00:56:27,130 IF IT AIN'T ME LIL' BABY * * I'M IN YOUR CITY CAUSE I NEED IT ONE MORE TIME 575 00:56:27,130 --> 00:56:37,407 MIGHT LOSE IT ALL I SWEAR I NEED IT TONIGHT OH * * HOW WE GET SO DEEP SO FAST 576 00:56:37,407 --> 00:56:40,610 BAE STOP PLAYIN' I'LL BEAT YOUR --* * YOU BE ON SOME TOXIC -- 577 00:56:40,610 --> 00:56:43,346 BUT I CANNOT GET OFF THIS * I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN THREE MONTHS 578 00:56:43,346 --> 00:56:46,115 I MISS YOU CAN I SEE YOU BAE * * EVERY TIME I SEE 579 00:56:46,115 --> 00:56:49,285 ONE OF YOUR PICTURES THAT STUFF DRIVES ME CRAZY * * GIRL I KNOW YOU MISS IT 580 00:56:49,285 --> 00:56:52,522 ESPECIALLY HOW I KISS IT * * MESSAGE SAY DELIVERED WHY THE -- YOU KEEP 581 00:56:52,522 --> 00:56:55,725 GOIN' MISSING ON ME * * EVERY TIME HE GET BACK IN THE PICTURE 582 00:56:55,725 --> 00:56:58,928 YOU ACT DIFFERENT ON ME * * BUT TELL THAT BOY THAT WE GON' HAVE TO SHARE YOU 583 00:56:58,928 --> 00:57:01,097 I AIN'T TRIPPIN' ON IT* * ONE MORE TIME MIGHT BE THE BEST 584 00:57:01,097 --> 00:57:03,266 FOR BOTH OF US * * MAYBE WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT IT LATER 585 00:57:03,266 --> 00:57:09,739 WHEN WE SOBER UP * * MAYBE WE SHOULD SLOW IT DOWN 586 00:57:09,739 --> 00:57:11,574 MAYBE WE SHOULD LET IT GO * * FEEL LIKE IF IT'S MEANT IT'S WHAT IT IS 587 00:57:11,574 --> 00:57:13,543 SO I JUST LET IT FLOW * * GOT SOMETHIN' TO HANDLE SO I'MA BE HERE 588 00:57:13,543 --> 00:57:16,245 FOR A COUPLE HOURS * * FIGURED OUT YOU LIKE THEM MY ASSISTANT 589 00:57:16,245 --> 00:57:19,982 KEEP ON SENDIN' FLOWERS * * THEY GOT THEY OWN BUSINESS TELL ME WHY THEY ALWAYS 590 00:57:19,982 --> 00:57:22,118 ALL IN OURS * * MAMA RAISED A LOT OF THINGS 591 00:57:22,118 --> 00:57:24,887 BUT SHE AIN'T RAISED NOT NEAR A COWARD * * WE WENT TO THE MOON 592 00:57:24,887 --> 00:57:28,224 LAST TIME I'M TRYNA GO BACK * * WE BEEN DOIN' OUR THING 593 00:57:28,224 --> 00:57:30,860 FOR A WHILE BUT THEY DON'T KNOW THAT * * I BE BUYIN' YOU 594 00:57:30,860 --> 00:57:34,097 ALL TYPE OF BAGS BUT YOU CAN'T SHOW THAT * * I BE PLAYIN' THE CUT 595 00:57:34,097 --> 00:57:40,570 UNTIL YOU COME BACK * * I KNOW YOU MISS ME WHO IT'S GON' BE 596 00:57:40,570 --> 00:57:50,947 IF IT AIN'T ME LIL' BABY * * I'M IN YOUR CITY CAUSE I NEED IT ONE MORE TIME 597 00:57:50,947 --> 00:58:01,624 MIGHT LOSE IT ALL I SWEAR I NEED IT TONIGHT OOH AH * * THINKIN' HOW WE PLAYED OUT 598 00:58:01,624 --> 00:58:04,894 REALLY I FEEL OFF ABOUT IT BUT I AIN'T NEVER SAID IT * * WE AIN'T GOTTA 599 00:58:04,894 --> 00:58:07,563 TALK ABOUT IT * * THEY'LL NEVER KNOW WHEN I'M WITH YOU 600 00:58:07,563 --> 00:58:10,233 I PLAY A DIFFERENT ROLE * * CAN'T MOVE OFF EMOTION THIS STUFF DEEP 601 00:58:10,233 --> 00:58:13,436 NOW I GOT SELF-CONTROL * * I AIN'T NEVER TRIED TO HOLD YOU 602 00:58:13,436 --> 00:58:16,672 TRY TO HIGH AND LOW YOU * * I CAN BREAK IT DOWN AND SHOW YOU 603 00:58:16,672 --> 00:58:20,410 HOW YOU OWE ME * * STILL TRY TO BACK DOOR ME I KNOW HOW TO GO ABOUT IT * 604 00:58:20,410 --> 00:58:23,646 * I KNOW EVERYTHING BUT I TREAT YOU LIKE I DON'T KNOW ABOUT IT * 605 00:58:23,646 --> 00:58:26,849 * WILDIN' IN MIAMI WE TOOK SHROOMS AND CAUGHT A DIFFERENT VIBE * 606 00:58:26,849 --> 00:58:30,086 * WOMEN CAN'T MESS WITH YOU YOU THE ONE FOR REAL I PEEP YOUR STYLE * 607 00:58:30,086 --> 00:58:32,755 * I GOTTA GO GET IT I'M O.T. SO IT'S GON' BE A WHILE IT FEEL A LIL' BETTER 608 00:58:32,755 --> 00:58:38,661 WHEN I AIN'T SEEN YOU * * I KNOW YOU MISS ME WHO IT'S GON' BE 609 00:58:38,661 --> 00:58:50,440 IF IT AIN'T ME LIL' BABY * * I'M IN YOUR CITY CAUSE I NEED IT ONE MORE TIME 610 00:58:50,440 --> 00:59:04,821 MIGHT LOSE IT ALL I SWEAR I NEED IT TONIGHT OOH AH * ** 611 00:59:04,821 --> 00:59:07,156 I NEED IT TONIGHT OOH AH * ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 612 00:59:20,770 --> 00:59:26,676 TOYOTA. AND I'M SHORTY KING JR., AND WE ARE OVERSTOCKED WITH TOYOTAS, 613 00:59:26,676 --> 00:59:34,217 SIENNAS, COROLLAS, AND HIGH LANDERS, ALL PART OF OUR KING TOYOTA'S OVERSTOCK SALE-A-THON. 614 00:59:34,217 --> 00:59:41,090 COME ON DOWN OFF HIGHWAY 8 EXIT 260 BECAUSE DEALS LIKE THIS DON'T COME OFTEN. 615 00:59:41,090 --> 00:59:48,164 GET YOUR BUTT DOWN HERE OFF HIGHWAY 8, EXIT 260. TAKE THE LEFT LANE. 616 00:59:48,164 --> 00:59:53,302 YOU GOT TO GET HARD IN THAT LEFT LANE BECAUSE IF YOU STAY EVEN ONE SECOND IN THE RIGHT 617 00:59:53,302 --> 00:59:58,508 LANE, YOU'LL GET STUCK IN THE OVERFLOW LINE FOR THE NEW RAISING CANES. 618 00:59:58,508 --> 01:00:03,179 THE LINE BACKS UP TO THE LIGHT ON TO THE OFF-RAMP AND INTO THE HIGHWAY. 619 01:00:03,179 --> 01:00:10,119 DO NOT STAY IN THE RIGHT LANE. HARD, HARD LEFT, Y'ALL. HARD TO THE LEFT WHEN YOU TAKE 620 01:00:10,119 --> 01:00:16,692 260 OR YOU'LL MISS KING BROTHERS TOYOTA'S OVERSTOCK SALE-A-THON. WHY ARE WE OVERSTOCKED? 621 01:00:16,692 --> 01:00:23,833 I'LL TELL YOU WHY, BECAUSE NOBODY CAN GET HERE DUE TO THE STUPID LONG CANE'S LINE TAKING 622 01:00:23,833 --> 01:00:31,074 UP THE WHOLE DANG ROAD. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY SCREWED BY THE BRENHAM CLAIM BER OF 623 01:00:31,074 --> 01:00:45,154 COMMERCE AND DOWN COUNCILMAN HUGO GALLEGOS. HE HAS DEFILED 260. 624 01:00:45,154 --> 01:00:52,228 THESE TRENDY CHAINS ALL COME WITH THEIR OWN MASSIVE DRIVE THROUGH LINES MANAGED ONLY BY A 625 01:00:52,228 --> 01:00:58,901 HANDFUL OF iPADED TEENS. WE ARE DEEP IN THE RED, FOLKS, WHICH IS WHY CORPORATE 626 01:00:58,901 --> 01:01:05,441 HAS SENT US THE NATION'S MOST BEST AND JACKED SALESMAN, BRIAN PAT MOORE. 627 01:01:05,441 --> 01:01:16,786 THESE TWO ARE AFRAID TO GET THEIR HANDS DIRTY. CANES, YOU HAVE TWO HOURS TO GET 628 01:01:16,786 --> 01:01:23,559 YOUR LINES OPEN. I WILL REVEAL INGREDIENTS TO YOUR SECRET SAUCE. 629 01:01:23,559 --> 01:01:26,162 DON'T BELIEVE ME? CHECK THIS OUT. KETCHUP. 630 01:01:26,162 --> 01:01:34,437 WE ARE DROWNING IN TACOMAS, AND WE ARE TRAPPED HERE. WE LITERALLY CANNOT LEAVE DUE TO 631 01:01:34,437 --> 01:01:41,144 THE LONG AS HELL CANES LINES. I HAVE MISSED SO MANY FAMILY EVENTS THE THINGS LIKE NIECE'S 632 01:01:41,144 --> 01:01:47,150 KRISTENING, FIRST DAUGHTER'S RECITAL, AND EVEN LITTLE J.C. AS NATHAN DETROIT. 633 01:01:47,150 --> 01:01:53,923 I NOW SPEAK DIRECTLY TO THE COWARD HUGO GALLEGOS. YOU HAVE DEFILED THE ONCE 634 01:01:53,923 --> 01:02:01,097 BEAUTIFUL EXIT 260, AND IF THE BIG ASS CANES LINE IS ALLOWED TO STAND, KING BROTHERS TOYOTA WILL 635 01:02:01,097 --> 01:02:05,535 FALL. MY DAUGHTER HAILEY IS A CLASSICS PROFESSOR AT BRENHAM 636 01:02:05,535 --> 01:02:12,341 COMMUNITY COLLEGE, AND SHE HAS DESCRIBED OUR PLIGHT AS A FUN HOUSE MIRROR HELD UP AGAINST THE 637 01:02:12,341 --> 01:02:15,211 AMERICAN DREAM. I SAID, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT, BABY GIRL. 638 01:02:15,211 --> 01:02:23,986 ALL I KNOW IS I'M GETTING F'd IN THE A BY HUGO GALLEGOS. ALL THAT IS LOST BECAUSE WE 639 01:02:23,986 --> 01:02:31,594 HAVE BRIAN PATMORE. WELL, BRIAN PATMORE DON'T PLAY NO GAMES. 640 01:02:31,594 --> 01:02:39,635 NEXT INGREDIENT, PEPPER. AND THE CLOCK BEGINNING ANEW. TIKTOK, CANES, TIKTOK. 641 01:02:39,635 --> 01:02:44,974 AND THE CLOCK BEGINNING ANEW. TIKTOK, CANES, TIKTOK. COME ON DOWN BECAUSE TIME IS 642 01:03:03,793 --> 01:03:07,096 I'M HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." MICHAEL, I THINK YOU'RE SO 643 01:03:07,096 --> 01:03:11,634 COOL. IT'S SCARY, BUT I'M MICHAEL B. JORDAN. 644 01:03:11,634 --> 01:03:17,407 THERE'S NO REASON TO BE NERVOUS. WHEW, NO ONE SAW ME. YOU OKAY THERE, BUD? 645 01:03:17,407 --> 01:03:20,943 YEAH, I'M GOOD. ALL RIGHT. BE CAREFUL. 646 01:03:20,943 --> 01:03:26,382 I WILL. OKAY. LITTLE EMBARRASSING. 647 01:03:26,382 --> 01:03:29,719 AT LEAST IT'S JUST ANDREW DISMUKES. IT'S ALL GOOD. 648 01:03:29,719 --> 01:03:33,589 I WILL NOT FALL AGAIN. YOU OKAY THERE, BUD? OH, ANDREW. 649 01:03:33,589 --> 01:03:37,126 I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE. LOOKED LIKE IT HURT. IT DIDN'T REALLY. 650 01:03:37,126 --> 01:03:43,766 LOOKED LIKE IT DID, THOUGH. YOU OKAY? YOU WANT ME TO GET THE NURSE? 651 01:03:43,766 --> 01:03:48,871 NURSE, MICHAEL B. JORDAN JUST FELL DOWN AGAIN. I SAID I WAS FINE. 652 01:03:48,871 --> 01:03:54,277 THIS ANDREW DISMUKES GUY IS GETTING IN MY HEAD. I'M MICHAEL B. JORDAN. 653 01:03:54,277 --> 01:03:58,948 I NEED TO NEVER FALL OVER EVER AGAIN. YOU OKAY THERE, BUD? 654 01:03:58,948 --> 01:04:02,785 YOU OKAY THERE, BUD? TIMBER. YOU OKAY, THOUGH? 655 01:04:02,785 --> 01:04:10,927 YOU OKAY? YOU OKAY THERE, BUD? ANDREW, STOP SEEING ME FALL 656 01:04:10,927 --> 01:04:14,931 DOWN. HEY, MAN, I'M AT WORK. YOU DON'T WANT ME TO SEE YOU 657 01:04:14,931 --> 01:04:18,501 FALL DOWN, QUIT FALLING DOWN WHERE I WORK. WHATEVER. 658 01:04:18,501 --> 01:04:21,370 JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. ALL RIGHT, BUD. JUST BE CAREFUL. 659 01:04:21,370 --> 01:04:28,511 OKAY? HEY, GUYS. ANDREW, SIT DOWN. 660 01:04:28,511 --> 01:04:34,117 YOU HAVE TO STOP SEEING MICHAEL B. JORDAN FALL DOWN. I CAN'T HELP IT. 661 01:04:34,117 --> 01:04:39,555 SOMETIMES HE FALLS, AND I SEE. ANDREW, WHEN SOMEBODY FALLS DOWN, YOU HAVE TO PRETEND LIKE 662 01:04:39,555 --> 01:04:45,328 YOU DIDN'T SEE IT. WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT. NOBODY TOLD ME THAT. 663 01:04:45,328 --> 01:04:50,133 YOU CAN'T GET MAD AT ME FOR SOMETHING I DIDN'T KNOW. GUYS? 664 01:04:50,133 --> 01:04:54,270 WHAT'S GOING ON? NOTHING. AND HEY, NEXT TIME YOU HAVE A 665 01:04:54,270 --> 01:05:01,577 PROBLEM WITH ME, AT LEAST HAVE THE KAHONES TO SAY IT TO MY FACE INSTEAD OF SENDING YOUR LACKIES 666 01:05:01,577 --> 01:05:08,284 TO DO YOUR DIRTY WORK FOR YOU. I DIDN'T TELL THEM ANYTHING EXCEPT YOU KEEP SEEING ME FALL. 667 01:05:08,284 --> 01:05:12,855 WELL GUESS WHAT, SOMETIMES YOU FALL, AND SOMETIMES I THERE. WELL, THEN MAYBE YOU 668 01:05:12,855 --> 01:05:16,659 SHOULDN'T BE AROUND ME AT ALL THEN. MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEAVE AND NEVER 669 01:05:16,659 --> 01:05:18,094 COME BACK. WHATEVER, MAN. I'M DONE. 670 01:05:18,094 --> 01:05:25,101 DONE! [ CRYING ]. I COULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT I HAD 671 01:05:25,101 --> 01:05:29,672 DONE. I PUSHED AWAY MY BEST FRIEND AT THE SHOW. 672 01:05:29,672 --> 01:05:33,376 ANDREW DIS-MOE. AFTER EVERYTHING WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH. 673 01:05:33,376 --> 01:05:38,781 MONDAY PITCH IN LAUREN'S OFFICE, TUESDAY WRITING NIGHT. WHEN ANDREW GOT CUT FROM A 674 01:05:38,781 --> 01:05:45,855 SKETCH BECAUSE HE DID A BAD JOB. JUST TO THROW IT ALL AWAY BECAUSE HE SAW ME FALL DOWN A 675 01:05:45,855 --> 01:05:49,826 LOT? THE SHOW WAS ABOUT TO START, BUT I COULDN'T DO IT WITHOUT HIM. 676 01:05:49,826 --> 01:05:55,298 DOES ANYONE HAVE EYES ON MICHAEL B. JORDAN? I KNEW THERE WAS ONLY ONE WAY 677 01:05:55,298 --> 01:05:59,435 TO BRING HIM BACK. I'M FALLING. WHERE ARE YOU, ANDREW? 678 01:05:59,435 --> 01:06:08,311 I'M RIGHT HERE. AND WE'RE NOT FALLING. WE'RE FLYING. 679 01:06:08,311 --> 01:06:11,280 AND WE'RE NOT FALLING. WE'RE FLYING. WHOO! 680 01:06:22,191 --> 01:06:27,230 I ALSO WANT TO THANK EVERYBODY HERE. I WANT TO THANK THE TALENTED 681 01:06:27,230 --> 01:06:31,501 CAST AND CREW. EVERYBODY AT SNL. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HAVING US. 682 01:06:31,501 --> 01:06:33,703 I WANT TO THANK MY FAMILY SITTING UP HERE THAT CAME THROUGH. 683 01:06:33,703 --> 01:06:37,473 I LOVE Y'ALL SO MUCH. THIS IS AN INCREDIBLE EXPERIENCE. 684 01:06:37,473 --> 01:06:40,676 THERE'S NOTHING LIKE IT IN THE WORLD. I CAN'T WAIT TO COME BACK. 685 01:06:40,676 --> 01:06:45,982 WHAT YOU GOT? YOU AIN'T GOT NOTHING? CAN'T WAIT TO DO IT AGAIN. 686 01:06:45,982 --> 01:06:52,155 YOU AIN'T GOT NOTHING? CAN'T WAIT TO DO IT AGAIN. **