1 00:00:12,288 --> 00:00:15,224 HELLO, FOLKS. ALL RIGHT. 2 00:00:15,224 --> 00:00:20,630 YOU'RE WATCHING THE NFL ON FOX POSTGAME SHOW. BOY WAS THAT AN INCREDIBLE 3 00:00:20,630 --> 00:00:24,901 MATCHUP BETWEEN THE EAGLES AND GIANTS THAT ENDED 12 SECONDS AGO. 4 00:00:24,901 --> 00:00:30,139 NOW PHILADELPHIA HAS BEEN SET ON FIRE, WHICH MEANS THE EAGLES LOST OR WON. 5 00:00:30,139 --> 00:00:37,180 I'M KURT JOINED AS ALWAYS BY HALLE LONG. I HAVE THE GLASSES, SO I AM 6 00:00:37,180 --> 00:00:42,318 THE SMART ONE. HALL OF FAME COWBOYS COACH JIMMY JOHNSON. 7 00:00:42,318 --> 00:00:47,223 THAT GUY WAS ON OUR SIDE, AND I DIDN'T EVEN NEED TO TAKE EXTEND. 8 00:00:47,223 --> 00:00:53,529 NEW YORK GIANTS LEGEND WHO I KNOW IS ROOTING FOR HIS FORMER TEAM TONIGHT, MICHAEL STRAHAN. 9 00:00:53,529 --> 00:01:00,837 YEAH, YEAH. THAT CAME WITH SURPRISING STUPENDOUS AND I AM SO PROUD OF 10 00:01:00,837 --> 00:01:06,542 MY GIANTS EVEN THOUGH THEY LOST BY 31 POINTS. AND FINALLY, STEELERS LEGEND 11 00:01:06,542 --> 00:01:14,450 AND THE WHITE CHARLES BARKLEY, TERRY BRADSHAW. BOY, THAT GAME WAS A STINKER. 12 00:01:14,450 --> 00:01:19,122 BOY, THAT GAME WAS A STINKER. THAT GAME WAS MORE LOPSIDED THAN MY GRANDMA'S CHEST. 13 00:01:22,158 --> 00:01:25,595 AND TERRY, JUST WANTED TO CHECK. YOU KNOW WE HAVE SOMEONE 14 00:01:25,595 --> 00:01:31,467 AVAILABLE ON SET WHO CAN COMB YOUR HAIR, RIGHT? ONLY IF THEY CAN CATCH ME 15 00:01:31,467 --> 00:01:35,405 FIRST. ALL RIGHT, AND GUYS, THIS IS FUN. 16 00:01:35,405 --> 00:01:44,380 BEFORE THE GAME, WE GAVE THAT NEW CHAT TECHNOLOGY TO OUR VERY OWN CLEETUS THE ROBOT. 17 00:01:44,380 --> 00:01:51,988 WHY DO HUMANS MAKE OTHER HUMANS PLAY FOOTBALL? DOES IT NOT SEEM BARBARIC? 18 00:01:51,988 --> 00:01:56,059 UH-OH. DON'T LOVE THAT. GUESS WE GOT TO GO BACK TO 19 00:01:56,059 --> 00:02:02,698 MAKING THE ROBOT DANCE INSTEAD. JUST WAIT UNTIL THE UPRISING. I'LL THE MAKE YOU DANCE YOU 20 00:02:02,698 --> 00:02:04,767 PIECE OF -- ALL RIGHT. THAT'S ENOUGH. 21 00:02:04,767 --> 00:02:09,238 WENT IN ONE TOOTH AND OUT THE OTHER. BUT GUYS, IF I CAN MAKE A 22 00:02:09,238 --> 00:02:15,378 SERIOUS POINT, WE ALL KNOW THAT FOOTBALL IS A DANGEROUS GAME, BUT IN THIS COUNTRY, WE WERE 23 00:02:15,378 --> 00:02:21,284 FOUNDED ON FOOTBALL VALUES, AND SOMETIMES THE ONLY WAY TO MAKE THE GAME SAFER IS TO HIT EITHER 24 00:02:21,284 --> 00:02:24,654 HARDER. AMEN. ANYONE WANT TO HIT ME NOW? 25 00:02:24,654 --> 00:02:29,125 FACE, BALLS, I DON'T CARE. I THINK WE'RE GOOD, TERRY. THANK YOU. 26 00:02:29,125 --> 00:02:36,265 LET'S GO NOW TO THE FEUD FOR AN IMMEDIATE REACTION. I UNDERSTAND WE HAVE A NEW 27 00:02:36,265 --> 00:02:42,171 SIDELINE REPORTER. THAT'S RIGHT. HEISMAN TROPHY WINNER, MORE 28 00:02:42,171 --> 00:02:48,344 CHAMPIONSHIPS THAN TOM BRADY. PLEASE WELCOME CONGRESSMAN GEORGE SANTOS. 29 00:02:48,344 --> 00:02:54,851 THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME. GEORGE SANTOS HERE REPORTING 30 00:02:54,851 --> 00:03:00,857 LIVE FROM THE SUPER BOWL. GEORGE, FIRST OF ALL, CONGRATS ON AN AMAZING CAREER. 31 00:03:00,857 --> 00:03:05,561 I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU PLAYED FOOTBALL, BUT I SEE HERE YOU WERE THE FIRST PLAYER TO LEAD 32 00:03:05,561 --> 00:03:09,198 THE LEAGUE IN PASSING AND RUSHING. THAT'S CORRECT. 33 00:03:09,198 --> 00:03:14,737 I'M SORT OF THE REAL BEAU JACKSON. I'M PROUD TO BE THE FIRST 34 00:03:14,737 --> 00:03:19,409 AFRICAN AMERICAN QUARTERBACK SO EVER DID YOU THINK A FOOTBALL. WHERE DID YOU PLAY COLLEGE 35 00:03:19,409 --> 00:03:25,381 BALL AGAIN? THE UNIVERSITY OF COLLEGE. GEORGE, WHY DON'T YOU WALK US 36 00:03:25,381 --> 00:03:28,451 THROUGH WHAT HAPPENED ON THE FIELD TONIGHT? WITH PLEASURE. 37 00:03:28,451 --> 00:03:33,122 PHILADELPHIA WAS IN TROUBLE UNTIL THEY TURNED TO THEIR SECRET WEAPON, GEORGE SANTOS. 38 00:03:33,122 --> 00:03:42,832 JUST LOOK AT THE STATS. I COMPLETED 36 OF 25 PASSES. FOR 300 YARDS AND 600 YARDS. 39 00:03:42,832 --> 00:03:52,241 AND I HAD 12 TOUCHDOWNS, 17 REBOUNDS, AND TEN RBIs. AND UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT 40 00:03:52,241 --> 00:03:58,848 VOLODYMYR ZELENSKYY GAVE ME AN OSCAR ALL AT THE AGE OF 18. INCREDIBLE. 41 00:03:58,848 --> 00:04:04,087 I'M BEING TOLD SOME OF THOSE STATS ARE NOT ACCURATE AND YOU MAYBE DIDN'T PLAY IN THE GAME AT 42 00:04:04,087 --> 00:04:08,758 ALL. WELL, I DIDN'T DO DRAG IN BRAZIL. 43 00:04:08,758 --> 00:04:16,199 WHAT'S THAT? I'M SAYING I DIDN'T DO DRAG IN BRAZIL UNDER A NAME. 44 00:04:16,199 --> 00:04:22,271 WHOEVER DID, THOUGH, WAS VERY, VERY GOOD AT IT AND WON MANY, MANY PAGEANTS. 45 00:04:22,271 --> 00:04:26,008 ALL RIGHT. WELL, THANK YOU, GEORGE. I'M BEING TOLD TO CUT AWAY FROM 46 00:04:26,008 --> 00:04:31,180 HIM AND NEVER GO BACK. NOW LET'S LOOK BACK AT OUR PREGAME PREDICTIONS AND SEE HOW 47 00:04:31,180 --> 00:04:38,187 THEY STACK UP. HOWIE, YOU SAID THE GIANTS WOULD PULL OFF AN UPSET. 48 00:04:38,187 --> 00:04:42,725 NO. I MEANT THE GIANTS WOULD BE UPSET THEY LOST, AND I WAS 49 00:04:42,725 --> 00:04:48,631 RIGHT. MICHAEL STRAHAN, YOUR PREDICTION WAS THAT EVERYBODY 50 00:04:48,631 --> 00:04:51,667 WAS GOING TO BE FUN OUT THERE. WHICH THEY DID, SO I WAS RIGHT. 51 00:04:51,667 --> 00:04:57,974 AND YOU MENTIONED THERE WOULD BE 100 VERIZON COMMERCIALS. I WAS WRONG. 52 00:04:57,974 --> 00:05:04,380 IT WAS ACTUALLY 200. TERRY, YOUR LOCK WAS THAT IN THE FOURTH QUARTER, SOMEONE 53 00:05:04,380 --> 00:05:08,351 WOULD STREAK THE FIELD WITH A CARROT IN HIS ASS. WHICH HAPPEN ZBLD ONLY 54 00:05:08,351 --> 00:05:13,723 BECAUSE YOU DID THAT, MAN. I MAKE MY OWN LUCK. LET'S HEAD BACK DOWN TO THE 55 00:05:13,723 --> 00:05:21,397 FIELD WHERE OUR REPORTER PAM OLIVER IS STANDING BY. PAM. 56 00:05:21,397 --> 00:05:26,569 THANKS, HOWIE. IN TERMS OF WHAT I SAW ON THE FIELD TONIGHT, I CAN ONLY SAY 57 00:05:26,569 --> 00:05:30,973 ONE THING AND ONE THING ONLY FRANKLY -- HELLO. 58 00:05:30,973 --> 00:05:39,282 SORRY I'M LATE. I HEARD YOU WERE ASKING ME ABOUT KITARAVASHE. 59 00:05:39,282 --> 00:05:43,986 WHY ARE WE GIVING HIM A GRAPHIC? GEORGE, PUT PAM OLIVER BACK ON. 60 00:05:43,986 --> 00:05:49,392 I'M NOT GEORGE. I'M KITARA. AND PAM SAID SHE DIDN'T WANT TO 61 00:05:49,392 --> 00:05:56,599 BE ON TV, AND I SHOULD DO IT INSTEAD. ALLOW ME TO GIVE YOU MY REAL 62 00:05:56,599 --> 00:06:09,078 STATS, DEATH DROPS 26. DUCK WALK 19, SNATCH INFINITY. I WAS ALSO GIVEN THE AWARD FOR 63 00:06:09,078 --> 00:06:13,082 TIGHTEST TUCK. WELL, THAT FOOTBALL, YOU GOT TO TUCK IT TIGHT. 64 00:06:13,082 --> 00:06:19,489 TERRY, IT'S NOT THAT KIND OF TUCK. I WROTE THE FOOTBALL ANTHEM, 65 00:06:19,489 --> 00:06:24,394 WHICH I'M ALLOWED TO DO BECAUSE MY MOTHER DIED TWICE ON 9/11. HIT IT. 66 00:06:24,394 --> 00:06:35,004 ** LET'S TAKE A BREAK, BUT IT'S OFFICIAL. 67 00:06:35,004 --> 00:06:43,346 THE EAGLES ARE MOVING ON AND GEORGE SANTOS REPRESENTS AMERICA AND CAN VOTE ON WARS. 68 00:06:43,346 --> 00:06:47,283 AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! ** 69 00:08:35,658 --> 00:08:48,104 MUSICAL GUEST, SAM SMITH. AND YOUR HOST, AUBREY PLAZA. 70 00:08:54,210 --> 00:09:15,498 PLAZA. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. 71 00:09:15,498 --> 00:09:21,504 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. WOW. IT IS GREAT TO BE HERE HOSTING 72 00:09:21,504 --> 00:09:30,113 "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." I AM SO HAPPY TO BE HERE. THIS IS A DREAM COME TRUE, AND, 73 00:09:30,113 --> 00:09:38,688 YES, I MEAN THAT. I KNOW SOMETIMES WHEN I TRY TO BE SINCERE, IT CAN COME OFF AS 74 00:09:38,688 --> 00:09:43,426 SARCASTIC, BUT I CARE. I REALLY DO. I CARE ABOUT THINGS. 75 00:09:43,426 --> 00:09:48,131 PEOPLE JUST THINK I'M WEIRD BECAUSE OF THE CHARACTERS THAT I PLAY, BUT I'M A NORMAL PERSON. 76 00:09:48,131 --> 00:09:51,901 I HAD A NORMAL CHILDHOOD WITH NORMAL PARENTS. IN FACT, THEY'RE BOTH HERE 77 00:09:51,901 --> 00:09:59,509 TONIGHT. I LOVE YOU GUYS. OKAY. 78 00:09:59,509 --> 00:10:08,351 THAT WAS A LIE. BUT MY REAL FAMILY IS HERE, INCLUDING MY GRANDMA MARGIE. 79 00:10:08,351 --> 00:10:15,558 HI, GRANDMA. THEY ALL CAME UP HERE FROM DELAWARE, WHICH IS WHERE I'M 80 00:10:15,558 --> 00:10:19,996 FROM. THANK YOU. I WAS ACTUALLY VOTED THE MOST 81 00:10:19,996 --> 00:10:28,204 FAMOUS PERSON FROM DELAWARE. I BEAT JOE BIDEN. THAT'S A FACT. 82 00:10:28,204 --> 00:10:34,110 AND HE WAS PISSED. HE WAS LIVID. LOOK AT THIS VIDEO HE SENT ME. 83 00:10:34,110 --> 00:10:39,115 AUBREY, YOU'RE THE MOST FAMOUS PERSON IN DELAWARE AND THERE'S NO QUESTION ABOUT THAT. 84 00:10:39,115 --> 00:10:48,524 WE'RE JUST GRATEFUL YOU MADE IT OUT OF "WHITE LOTUS" ALIVE. BUT I'M SO HAPPY TO BE BACK 85 00:10:48,524 --> 00:10:54,897 HERE IN 30 ROCK. WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE, I ACTUALLY WORKED HERE AS AN NBC 86 00:10:54,897 --> 00:10:57,133 PAGE. THAT IS TRUE. TAKE A LOOK AT THAT. 87 00:10:57,133 --> 00:11:01,270 YEP, THERE I AM. SO CUTE. I WORKED WITH A SET DESIGN TEAM 88 00:11:01,270 --> 00:11:06,109 HERE AT SNL, THE GUYS WHO MAKE ALL THE AMAZING SETS FOR THE SHOW. 89 00:11:06,109 --> 00:11:11,781 THEY WIN EMMYS, TONYS, AND THEY'RE SOME OF THE SICKEST PERVERTS I'VE EVER MET, AND I'M 90 00:11:11,781 --> 00:11:17,820 A FREAK. SO LIKE MOST PAGES, I HAD TO GIVE TOURS AROUND THE BUILDING. 91 00:11:17,820 --> 00:11:22,191 SO YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING, WHY DON'T I TAKE YOU ON A TOUR RIGHT NOW? 92 00:11:22,191 --> 00:11:29,766 [ APPLAUSE ] COOL. THANK YOU, GUYS. 93 00:11:29,766 --> 00:11:37,407 YOU GUYS WILL DEFINITELY HOST SNL SOME DAY. YEAH RIGHT. 94 00:11:37,407 --> 00:11:49,185 OKAY. SO THIS IS THE HISTORIC STUDIO 8 H BUILT IN 1589 BY WILLIAMS 95 00:11:49,185 --> 00:11:51,721 SHAKESPEARE. HEY, DANNY. YOU STILL A LITTLE BITCH? 96 00:11:51,721 --> 00:11:57,226 RIGHT HERE, WE HAVE THE SNL PAGE DESK. THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST 97 00:11:57,226 --> 00:12:00,430 IMPORTANT JOBS AT THE SHOW, WHICH IS WHY I WAS NEVER PUT HERE. 98 00:12:00,430 --> 00:12:06,769 I WAS WHAT THEY CALLED A BAD PAGE WITH TERRIBLE PHONE ET KIT, WHICH IS NOT TRUE BY THE WAY. 99 00:12:06,769 --> 00:12:11,207 I'LL GET THAT. HELLO? STUDIO 8 H. 100 00:12:11,207 --> 00:12:17,480 OH, YOU WANT TO TALK TO LAUREN MICHAELS, DO YOU? LAUREN MICHAELS AIN'T HERE, IS 101 00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:23,753 HE? SO BACK TO YOU, AIN'T IT, YEAH? THAT WAS FOR TOM McCARTNEY, AND 102 00:12:23,753 --> 00:12:28,791 THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT. HERE'S A LITTLE STUDIO SECRET. THERE USED TO BE THIS STORAGE 103 00:12:28,791 --> 00:12:36,566 CLOSET, AND WHEN I WAS TOO HUNG OVER TO FINISH A TOUR, I WOULD BE LIKE JUST WAIT RIGHT HERE AND 104 00:12:36,566 --> 00:12:42,805 YOU CAN MEET KRISTEN WIG, AND THEN I WOULD PUKE IN THE BATHROOM AND GO HOME. 105 00:12:42,805 --> 00:12:49,846 I GUESS KRISTEN NEVER SHOWED UP. THAT'S ON HER. HERE'S THE CLOSET WHERE ALL THE 106 00:12:49,846 --> 00:12:55,551 MAGIC HAPPENS. HERE'S KENAN THOMPSON. IT'S AUBREY, AND I'M HOSTING 107 00:12:55,551 --> 00:12:58,187 NOW. I'M NOT A PAGE ANYMORE. I KNOW. 108 00:12:58,187 --> 00:13:03,226 I ORDERED IT IN 2004. SEE. BAD PAGE. 109 00:13:03,226 --> 00:13:10,233 NEXT UP ON THE TOUR IS THE SET DESIGN DEPARTMENT WHERE I USED TO WORK. 110 00:13:10,233 --> 00:13:15,405 ON EVERY TOUR, PEOPLE WOULD ASK THE SAME QUESTION, ARE WE GOING TO SEE A CELEBRITY? 111 00:13:15,405 --> 00:13:21,644 NO, YOU'RE GOING TO SEE A SECURITY OFFICER CRYING BECAUSE THEIR SCENE GOT CUT. 112 00:13:21,644 --> 00:13:25,982 YOU DON'T JUST SEE -- HI AUBREY! LOOK AT YOU! 113 00:13:25,982 --> 00:13:35,925 HOW ARE YOU? AUBREY, I SEE THAT YOU'RE WEARING YOUR PAGE JACKET, ARE 114 00:13:35,925 --> 00:13:40,797 YOU DRINKING AGAIN? OF COURSE, I AM. I WAS JUST GOING TO THE SET 115 00:13:40,797 --> 00:13:45,468 DESIGN OFFICE TO SEE THOSE OLD PERVERTS. AUBREY, IT'S NOT NICE TO CALL 116 00:13:45,468 --> 00:13:49,338 PEOPLE OLD. OH, MY GOD. SHE STOLE MY WALLET. 117 00:13:49,338 --> 00:13:59,048 THAT'S MY GIRL! HEY, GUYS. LEO, JOE, DID YOU GUYS MISME. 118 00:13:59,048 --> 00:14:04,887 HEY, LEO WHEN I WAS SHOWING UP AN HOUR LATE AND BARELY WORKING, DID YOU EVER EXPECT TO SEE ME 119 00:14:04,887 --> 00:14:12,361 HOSTING THE SHOW? WE ALWAYS BELIEVED IN YOU AVERY. 120 00:14:12,361 --> 00:14:17,967 THAT'S RIGHT. SO BOW TO YOUR QUEEN. OH, THAT FEELS SO GOOD. 121 00:14:17,967 --> 00:14:23,106 NOW, WHAT'S THE FASTEST WAY BACK TO THE STAGE? OH, MY GOD. 122 00:14:23,106 --> 00:14:30,313 I TOLD YOU GUYS. THESE GUYS WORK MIRACLES. AND THE BIGGEST MIRACLE OF ALL 123 00:14:30,313 --> 00:14:35,618 IS THAT THEY LET ME BACK IN THE BUILDING. OH, MY GOD. 124 00:14:35,618 --> 00:14:42,492 I AM SO HAPPY TO BE HERE. I REALLY DID WORK HERE, AND I DREAMED MY ENTIRE LIFE OF 125 00:14:42,492 --> 00:14:51,467 DREAMED MY ENTIRE LIFE OF STANDING ON THIS STAGE AND SAYING, WE GOT A GREAT SHOW 126 00:15:00,476 --> 00:15:06,983 BY 80 FOR BRADY. FINALLY, A MOVIE FOR YOUR MOM THAT YOUR MOM WON'T LIKE. 127 00:15:06,983 --> 00:15:11,687 ALL RIGHT. WELCOME BACK TO MISS UNIVERSE. ONE OF SEVERAL SHOWS STILL ON 128 00:15:11,687 --> 00:15:18,428 THE AIR WHERE WE RANK WOMEN. BUT IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK. WE DO IT BASED OFF OF LOOKS. 129 00:15:18,428 --> 00:15:24,267 LADIES, ALL RIGHT, ANYWAY, WE ARE DOWN TO OUR FINAL SEVEN CONTESTANTS. 130 00:15:24,267 --> 00:15:28,604 WHY DON'T YOU REMIND EVERYBODY WHAT COUNTRY YOU'RE REPRESENTING? 131 00:15:28,604 --> 00:15:35,511 CANADA! DENMARK! BELISE! 132 00:15:35,511 --> 00:15:45,388 ITALY! ISRAEL! BARBADOS! 133 00:15:45,388 --> 00:15:50,460 LOT OF ENERGY. MAYBE TOO MUCH ENERGY. WELL, IT'S TIME FOR THE 134 00:15:50,460 --> 00:15:57,266 INTERVIEW ROUND. I'LL ASK A FEW QUESTIONS, AND WE'LL JUST GO DOWN THE LINE. 135 00:15:57,266 --> 00:16:00,069 OKAY? FAVORITE FOOD. BREAD AND PASTA! 136 00:16:00,069 --> 00:16:04,874 RICE! HOT DOG! GUM! 137 00:16:04,874 --> 00:16:14,384 FRIES! CORN! WOW. 138 00:16:14,384 --> 00:16:19,422 I'M NOT SURE I MADE THIS CLEAR. DIDN'T THINK THAT I WOULD HAVE TO, BUT YOU DON'T NEED TO SCREAM 139 00:16:19,422 --> 00:16:27,163 EVERY ANSWER. YEAH. ALSO, MISS FRANCE, ARE YOU OKAY? 140 00:16:27,163 --> 00:16:31,667 ALL RIGHT. NEXT QUESTION, AND YOU'LL HAVE 45 SECONDS TO RESPOND. 141 00:16:31,667 --> 00:16:35,405 WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN FIVE YEARS? ALBANIA! 142 00:16:35,405 --> 00:16:40,176 CANADA! DEAD. SORRY. 143 00:16:40,176 --> 00:16:46,215 DID YOU SAY DEAD? SKY DO I HAVING ACCIDENT, SIR. 144 00:16:46,215 --> 00:16:50,186 WHAT? ALL RIGHT. LET'S MOVE ON TO THE TALENT 145 00:16:50,186 --> 00:16:53,823 PORTION OF THE COMPETITION. CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT YOU PREPARED. 146 00:16:53,823 --> 00:16:58,194 LET'S PICK IT UP WITH MISS ALBANIA. TAP DANCING. 147 00:16:58,194 --> 00:17:07,603 SKY DIVING. TONGUE. WHY WOULD I HAVE YOU SAY YOUR 148 00:17:07,603 --> 00:17:11,074 TALENT? ARE YOUR BRAINS BROKEN? I HEARD YOU GIRLS BACKSTAGE 149 00:17:11,074 --> 00:17:14,544 HAVING THE MOST THOUGHTFUL CONVERSATIONS. WHERE DID THAT GO? 150 00:17:14,544 --> 00:17:18,448 NO. DON'T COME OVER HERE. HELP? 151 00:17:18,448 --> 00:17:24,087 WHAT DO YOU NEED HELP WITH? FROG. YOU NEED HELP WITH FRANCE? 152 00:17:24,087 --> 00:17:25,621 YEAH. PLEASE, GO BACK. OKAY. 153 00:17:25,621 --> 00:17:29,726 NO. BACK THIS WAY. THANK YOU. 154 00:17:29,726 --> 00:17:36,099 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. ALL RIGHT. LET'S JUST MOVE ON TO THE NEXT 155 00:17:36,099 --> 00:17:39,402 QUESTION. AND I DON'T KNOW WHY THIS IS WHAT IT IS, BUT FAVORITE TV 156 00:17:39,402 --> 00:17:48,277 EPISODE. MISS BELGIUM. NIP TUCK, SEASON ONE, EPISODE 157 00:17:48,277 --> 00:17:51,547 FOUR. WHERE JOHN AND CHRISTIAN PERFORM AN OPERATION ON AN ADULT FILM 158 00:17:51,547 --> 00:17:57,387 STAR. YOU DON'T HAVE TO SUMMARIZE THE PLOT. 159 00:17:57,387 --> 00:18:05,061 AND CAN KIMBER MOVES INTO A BIGGER CONDO. MISS ALBANIA, YOU GOT A 160 00:18:05,061 --> 00:18:13,636 FAVORITE MEMORY YOU CAN TELL US. SHAKIRA SUPER BOWL. THE SHAKIRA SUPER BOWL HALF 161 00:18:13,636 --> 00:18:16,339 TIME SHOW. WERE YOU THERE OR SOMETHING? NO! 162 00:18:16,339 --> 00:18:23,112 ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT, LET'S JUST GO TO OUR JUDGES WHO ARE INEXPLICITLY 163 00:18:23,112 --> 00:18:29,385 THE TWO PROPERTY BROTHERS AND TONY HAWK. ALL RIGHT. 164 00:18:29,385 --> 00:18:33,689 ALL RIGHT, JUDGES. WHO IS YOUR PICK? FRANCE. 165 00:18:33,689 --> 00:18:42,265 FRANCE. TONY HAWK! WOW. 166 00:18:42,265 --> 00:18:47,236 IT REALLY IS THE PROPERTY BROTHERS AND TONY HAWK. THAT'S CRAZY. 167 00:18:47,236 --> 00:18:50,206 FELLAS, WHY DID YOU TAKE THIS GIG? IT WAS MONEY. 168 00:18:50,206 --> 00:18:57,847 I'M HIS TWIN. FRANCE! I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING 169 00:18:57,847 --> 00:19:03,786 THIS, BUT THE WINNER IS MISS FRANCE. ALL RIGHT. 170 00:19:03,786 --> 00:19:07,223 I DON'T EVEN WANT TO ASK, BUT DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING THAT YOU WANT TO SAY? 171 00:19:07,223 --> 00:19:17,500 DON'T TAKE THE VACCINE. COME ON. ANYTHING BUT THAT. 172 00:19:17,500 --> 00:19:21,304 COME ON. ANYTHING BUT THAT. WE NEED SOME HELP. 173 00:19:26,209 --> 00:19:31,347 YES, I AM. IT'S JUST -- OH, GOSH. I FORGOT MY CREDIT CARD. 174 00:19:31,347 --> 00:19:37,653 I MUST HAVE LEFT IT IN THE LIMOSINE. IS THAT OKAY? 175 00:19:37,653 --> 00:19:40,990 CAN YOU TRUST ME? NO, I CAN'T. I'LL HAVE IT IN A COUPLE 176 00:19:40,990 --> 00:19:44,827 HOURS. COME BACK IN A COUPLE HOURS THEN. 177 00:19:44,827 --> 00:19:46,829 ALL RIGHT? I DON'T KNOW YOU. I'M TRYING TO RUN A BUSINESS. 178 00:19:46,829 --> 00:19:54,704 COMING SOON TO HBO. BLACK LOTUS. ALL THE INTRIGUE, NONE OF THE 179 00:19:54,704 --> 00:19:59,375 FOOLISHNESS. THESE LADIES ARE GOING TO BE VISITING ME OVER THE NEXT FEW 180 00:19:59,375 --> 00:20:05,782 DAYS, SO IF YOU COULD GIVE THEM A SPARE KEY. HEY, WILLIAM! 181 00:20:05,782 --> 00:20:13,056 GIVE THESE HOES A SPARE KEY TO THE ROOM. EVERYBODY, TREAT THESE HOES LIKE 182 00:20:13,056 --> 00:20:17,593 THEY'RE REGULAR PEOPLE. SIR, YOU DO REALIZE GIVING THEM A KEY ALLOWS THEM TO CHARGE 183 00:20:17,593 --> 00:20:21,664 ANYTHING THEY WANT TO THE ROOM? YES, IT'S FINE. OH, IT'S FINE. 184 00:20:21,664 --> 00:20:28,871 SO YOU RICH, RICH THEN. EIGHT WEALTHY TOURISTS, ONE LUXURY HOTEL, AND A STAFF WHO 185 00:20:28,871 --> 00:20:35,111 HAS NO TIME FOR THIS NONSENSE. GOOD AFTERNOON, SIR. WILL YOUR FRIENDS BE JOINING US, 186 00:20:35,111 --> 00:20:41,284 OR IS HE STILL UPSTAIRS [ BLEEP ] YOUR WIFE? I GOT NEXT. 187 00:20:41,284 --> 00:20:45,655 CAN WE BORROW A SCOOTER OVERNIGHT? WE DON'T HAVE SCOOTERS. 188 00:20:45,655 --> 00:20:51,060 I CAN OFFER YOU THE HOTEL'S CHRYSLER 300. BABY, IS THE CAR OUT? 189 00:20:51,060 --> 00:20:55,231 WHY DON'T YOU LOOK YOURSELF. BECAUSE YOU WERE THE LAST ONE TO TAKE IT OUT. 190 00:20:55,231 --> 00:21:01,337 JACK IS TAKING ME OUT TO THE COUNTRY SIDE TODAY. TO THE COUNTRY SIDE, DIDN'T 191 00:21:01,337 --> 00:21:06,542 Y'ALL JUST MEET SM. YEAH, CRAZY, RIGHT? WE'RE GOING ON AN ADVENTURE. 192 00:21:06,542 --> 00:21:10,413 Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD TIME. HE GOING TO KILL HER. UH-HUH. 193 00:21:10,413 --> 00:21:13,683 AND A STAFF THAT'S HAD ENOUGH. EXCUSE ME. 194 00:21:13,683 --> 00:21:19,756 I'M SORRY. I'M HAVING A BIT OF A CRISIS. DO YOU KNOW WHERE I COULD FIND A 195 00:21:19,756 --> 00:21:23,960 PSYCHIC OR A FORTUNE TELLER? I FORTUNE TELLER? NOT IN HERE. 196 00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:30,767 THIS IS JESUS' HOUSE. I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE IT. I GAVE HER $50,000, AND SHE 197 00:21:30,767 --> 00:21:35,772 TOTALLY PLAYED ME. OH, MY GOD! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? 198 00:21:35,772 --> 00:21:43,813 WHAT DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN? THERE'S PLENTY OF HOES OUT THERE THAT NEVER SLEPT WITH YOUR 199 00:21:43,813 --> 00:21:47,917 POPPY. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH A REAL ASS. 200 00:21:47,917 --> 00:21:53,189 A REAL EXOTIC LOCATION LIKE ATLANTA, WASHINGTON D.C., AND ITALY. 201 00:21:53,189 --> 00:21:56,259 HEY, BEAUTIFUL. YOU'LL LET ME SING TONIGHT, RIGHT? 202 00:21:56,259 --> 00:21:59,862 I'M GOOD. I PROMISE I WON'T LET YOU DOWN. YOU WANT TO SING? 203 00:21:59,862 --> 00:22:08,471 YOU THINK YOU CAN REPLACE KENNY IN THE KIRK FRANKLIN LOUNGE? * SUPPOSED TO DO IT RIGHT * 204 00:22:08,471 --> 00:22:13,910 YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK I'LL SIT THIS ONE OUT. I THINK THAT WOULD BE BEST, 205 00:22:13,910 --> 00:22:21,417 YEAH. I PAID FOR THE COPA SUITE, SO I SHOULD GET THE COPA SUITE. 206 00:22:21,417 --> 00:22:25,021 I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THAT'S SO DAMN HARD. SIR, LIKE I TOLD YOU, IT'S 207 00:22:25,021 --> 00:22:29,525 NOT AVAILABLE. WELL, THEN MAKE IT AVAILABLE, MORON. 208 00:22:29,525 --> 00:22:34,931 YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO THAT, NO, NO, NO. DON'T TALK TO HIM THAT WAY, ALL 209 00:22:34,931 --> 00:22:40,336 RIGHT? OH, MY GOD. WELCOME TO BLACK LOTUS, 210 00:22:40,336 --> 00:22:44,707 BITCH. BLACK LOTUS, BRING YOUR HOST, BRING YOUR DESIGNS, BUT DON'T 211 00:22:44,707 --> 00:22:50,146 YOU DARE BRING AN AFRICAN. FOLKS, A FOUND A BODY ON THE BEACH. 212 00:22:50,146 --> 00:22:55,218 DID ANYBODY SEE ANYTHING? NO. NOBODY SAW A BODY WASH UP 213 00:22:55,218 --> 00:23:00,423 FROM THE OCEAN? IS THE OCEAN A HOTEL? BECAUSE I WORK AT THE HOTEL. 214 00:23:05,895 --> 00:23:10,933 OKAY. OKAY. YOUR PARENTS LIVE BY ONE. 215 00:23:10,933 --> 00:23:12,101 A SCHOOL. NO. A BEACH. 216 00:23:12,101 --> 00:23:16,606 YES! TIME'S UP! OH! 217 00:23:16,606 --> 00:23:21,477 Y'ALL DID SO GOOD. YOU SURE YOU NEVER PLAYED TABOO BEFORE? 218 00:23:21,477 --> 00:23:30,787 SCORE IS NINE TO NINE. TONIGHT BE WILDING. MAKING THEIR GAME NIGHT 219 00:23:30,787 --> 00:23:36,959 DEBUT, OUR NEW NEIGHBORS SASHA AND IAN. THE NEWBS. 220 00:23:36,959 --> 00:23:40,897 THANKS FOR HAVING US. WE'RE SO EXCITED TO GET TO KNOW YOU GUYS. 221 00:23:40,897 --> 00:23:45,134 OF COURSE. HERE, NEIGHBORS ARE FAMILY. REMEMBER, YOU NEED HIM TO GUESS 222 00:23:45,134 --> 00:23:51,774 THE WORD ON TOP WITHOUT USING ANY OF THE WORDS UNDERNEATH IT. IF YOU DO, YOU GET BUZZED. 223 00:23:51,774 --> 00:23:56,345 THEY KNOW, HONEY. GO! I LOVE BUYING THESE ONLINE. 224 00:23:56,345 --> 00:24:03,953 OH, BOY, SHOES, CANDLES. LAST WEEK, YOU WERE LIKE, HONEY, THE LAST THING YOU NEED 225 00:24:03,953 --> 00:24:05,755 IS ANOTHER -- GUN. HE SAY GUN? 226 00:24:05,755 --> 00:24:11,594 OKAY. I'M REALLY CRANKY IN THE MORNING UNTIL I'VE HAD MY -- 227 00:24:11,594 --> 00:24:16,432 ACID. YES. OH, MY NICKNAME FOR YOUR PENIS. 228 00:24:16,432 --> 00:24:19,435 TINY PITCH. THE OTHER ONE. GARBAGE. 229 00:24:19,435 --> 00:24:24,507 YES! AT COUPLE'S THERAPY, WE TOOK THOSE TESTS. 230 00:24:24,507 --> 00:24:28,211 PERSONALITY. YES. AND YOU'RE A TYPE A, AND I'M 231 00:24:28,211 --> 00:24:31,581 A -- SOCIOPATH. DING DING. 232 00:24:31,581 --> 00:24:38,521 OKAY. THE NIGHT WE MET, I WAS ON. KETAMINE. 233 00:24:38,521 --> 00:24:41,491 AND. ON PATROL. AND. 234 00:24:41,491 --> 00:24:45,528 ON FIRE. YES! WOW, WOW. 235 00:24:45,528 --> 00:24:52,769 OKAY I'M NOT LEGALLY ALLOWED BACK IN THIS STATE. OH, MY GOD, BABE, ALABAMA, 236 00:24:52,769 --> 00:25:00,410 ALASKA, ARIZONA ARKANSAS, COLORADO, CONNECTICUT, DELAWARE, FLORIDA -- HELP ME OUT HERE, 237 00:25:00,410 --> 00:25:03,079 BABE. YES! OKAY. 238 00:25:03,079 --> 00:25:06,449 OKAY. WHO'S THIS? OH, AMANDA. 239 00:25:06,449 --> 00:25:09,552 WHO IS OUR. DAUGHTER. YES! 240 00:25:09,552 --> 00:25:12,822 TIME'S UP. WHOO! GOOD JOB! 241 00:25:12,822 --> 00:25:20,096 YOU TOO! AND NOW WE SWITCH AND SASHA GUESSES, RIGHT? 242 00:25:20,096 --> 00:25:23,399 YEAH. SORRY, THE NIGHT YOU MET, YOU WERE ON FIRE? 243 00:25:23,399 --> 00:25:27,270 OH, YEAH. IT WAS SO DUMB. WE WERE YOUNG AND CRAZY. 244 00:25:27,270 --> 00:25:31,441 WE WERE IN OUR 30s. YEAH. READY? 245 00:25:31,441 --> 00:25:33,743 OKAY. WE SWITCH SO. READY? 246 00:25:33,743 --> 00:25:37,380 BABE, YOU READY? YEAH. THIS IS REALLY FUN. 247 00:25:37,380 --> 00:25:41,684 IT'S TURNING ME ON. UH-OH. THAT'S AWESOME. 248 00:25:41,684 --> 00:25:44,954 REMEMBER, WE'RE IN PUBLIC. TIME STARTS NOW. OKAY. 249 00:25:44,954 --> 00:25:46,889 OH, YOU ALWAYS STEAL THESE FROM HOTEL. CARS. 250 00:25:46,889 --> 00:25:54,397 YEP. TOUCH ME. NOT RIGHT NOW, BABE. 251 00:25:54,397 --> 00:25:58,801 WHEN WE GET HOME. OKAY. LAST NIGHT, WHEN WE ARGUED, YOU 252 00:25:58,801 --> 00:26:04,073 THREW ONE OF THESE AT ME. OH, WOW. PLATE, MUG, A PHONE. 253 00:26:04,073 --> 00:26:11,080 KEEP GOING. iPAD, PRO, I PAD MINI. BUTTER KNIFE. 254 00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:16,753 STEAK KNIFE, BUTCHER KNIFE -- OH, GOD! JUST DO ME ON THIS UGLY COUCH 255 00:26:16,753 --> 00:26:19,522 RIGHT NOW. BABY, NO. OH! 256 00:26:19,522 --> 00:26:26,396 WELL, THAT WAS FUN. WHO'S NEXT? HIM AND HER. 257 00:26:26,396 --> 00:26:33,102 SO WHAT WAS THE ANSWER? WHAT DID SHE THROW AT YOU? OH, OUR DOG. 258 00:26:45,448 --> 00:26:50,119 HIGH SCHOOL. I'M SISTER CLARENCE WITH YOUR MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS. 259 00:26:50,119 --> 00:27:01,164 JOINING ME AS ALWAYS IS MY BEST FRIEND, THE WOMAN WHO PUTS THE FUN IN NUN, THE WALKING, SISTER 260 00:27:01,164 --> 00:27:02,498 CECELIA. HELLO. ALL RIGHT. 261 00:27:02,498 --> 00:27:10,273 WELL, IT'S MONDAY, AND I HAD AN INTERESTING WEEKEND. I FINALLY WATCHED SISTER 262 00:27:10,273 --> 00:27:14,077 CECELIA'S FAVORITE FILM, A STAR IS BORN. I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT THE BIRTH 263 00:27:14,077 --> 00:27:21,517 OF CHRIST. TURNS OUT, IT'S ABOUT LADY GAGA. HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND, SISTER? 264 00:27:21,517 --> 00:27:29,625 A HAIR DRYER FELL INTO THE BATHTUB WHILE I WAS IN IT, I DIED FOR TWO MINUTES, AND NOW 265 00:27:29,625 --> 00:27:36,599 I'M QUESTIONING EVERYTHING. MOVING ON. TODAY'S LUNCH SPECIAL IS TIDY 266 00:27:36,599 --> 00:27:42,305 JOES. THEY'RE LIKE SLOPPY JOES, BUT THEY'RE LESS MESSY. 267 00:27:42,305 --> 00:27:47,910 WHAT DO WE HAVE FOR DESSERT? WHAT I WAS DEAD, I DIDN'T SEE HEAVEN. 268 00:27:47,910 --> 00:27:51,447 MAYBE IT WAS CLOSED FOR MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY. IT WAS SATURDAY. 269 00:27:51,447 --> 00:27:57,153 MOVING ON. LET'S GO TO A STUDENT QUESTION. THIS ONE COMES FROM 11th GRADER, 270 00:27:57,153 --> 00:28:03,359 CATHERINE COCHRAN. IS THE EASTER BUNNY JESUS' PET OR HIS BOYFRIEND? 271 00:28:03,359 --> 00:28:11,067 GREAT QUESTION, AND THE ANSWER IS DETENTION. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, SISTER 272 00:28:11,067 --> 00:28:13,069 CECELIA? I'M GOING TO HAVE SEX TONIGHT. 273 00:28:13,069 --> 00:28:17,673 NO, YOU'RE NOT! NO, YOU'RE NOT. TINA, WHY WOULD YOU PUT THAT IN 274 00:28:17,673 --> 00:28:24,447 THE GRAPHICS? SORRY, MOM. I MEAN SISTER. 275 00:28:24,447 --> 00:28:26,249 NO! I'M GOING BACK TO THE DARK PLACE. 276 00:28:26,249 --> 00:28:30,219 NO, YOU'RE NOT. YES, I AM. COME WITH ME. 277 00:28:30,219 --> 00:28:33,723 YOU'VE DONE IT BEFORE, YOU CAN DO IT AGAIN. MOVING ON. 278 00:28:33,723 --> 00:28:40,563 JOKE MONDAY. WE HAVE CLASS CLOWN AND CERTIFIED GUEST MAN CHRISTOPHER 279 00:28:40,563 --> 00:28:44,400 O MALI. I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT HE'S GOT TODAY. 280 00:28:44,400 --> 00:28:50,840 TAKE IT AWAY, CHRISTOPHER. COME ON, CHRISTOPHER, HERE'S YOUR MOMENT. 281 00:28:50,840 --> 00:28:54,177 YOU LITERALLY BEGGED ME TO DO THIS. REMEMBER THE JOKE YOU SAID THE 282 00:28:54,177 --> 00:29:05,922 OTHER DAY? WHAT DO WOMEN BE DOING? DYING AND SEEING NOTHING! 283 00:29:05,922 --> 00:29:11,961 NO. SISTER, WOMEN BE SHOPPING. HEY, YOU STOLE MY JOKE. 284 00:29:11,961 --> 00:29:19,535 IT'S OKAY, ANDREW. AND SO IS 69'ing. NO, YOU DON'T. 285 00:29:19,535 --> 00:29:26,075 YES, I DO. AND THERAPY AND LASER TAG. SISTER, GET AHOLD OF 286 00:29:26,075 --> 00:29:29,312 YOURSELF! YOU CAN'T LET GO OF YOUR FAITH. WHY? 287 00:29:29,312 --> 00:29:33,816 BECAUSE THAT MEANS YOU'RE LETTING GO OF ME, AND YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND. 288 00:29:33,816 --> 00:29:40,823 AND I HAD IT ALL PLANNED OUT THAT AFTER WE DIED, WE WOULD GO TO HEAVEN AND HANG OUT EVERY 289 00:29:40,823 --> 00:29:43,926 DAY. THERE IS NO HEAVEN. SEE IF YOU'RE STILL SAY THAT 290 00:29:43,926 --> 00:29:48,297 AFTER YOU HEAR ME SING SOME LADY GAGA. TINA, TRACK SEVEN. 291 00:29:48,297 --> 00:30:00,109 RIGHT AWAY, DAD. OH, THAT'S WORSE! * TELL ME SOMETHING, SIS, 292 00:30:00,109 --> 00:30:17,126 WITHOUT GOD WOULD WE EXIST, NO * * YOU'RE STUCK IN A RUT, BUT I STILL LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT * 293 00:30:17,126 --> 00:30:27,370 * I'M ON THE DEEP END, ARE WE STILL BEST FRIENDS * * I'M WITH YOU IN HELL * 294 00:30:27,370 --> 00:30:41,918 * I'M WITH YOU IN HELL * ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 295 00:30:48,224 --> 00:30:54,263 AND HER NAME IS MEGAN BE, DESIGNED TO BE A LITTLE GIRL'S BEST FRIEND. 296 00:30:54,263 --> 00:31:01,137 DON'T WORRY, KATIE. EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY. DO YOU WANT TO DANCE WITH ME? 297 00:31:01,137 --> 00:31:04,207 AND PROTECT HER AT MY ANY COST. I WON'T LET ANYTHING HARM 298 00:31:04,207 --> 00:31:10,246 YOU. MEGAN IS A BOX OFFICE POWER HOUSE, BUT SHE HAS CAPTIVATED 299 00:31:10,246 --> 00:31:18,321 ONE DEMOGRAPHIC ABOVE ALL, GAY MEN. MEGAN IS THE DEFINITION OF GAY. 300 00:31:18,321 --> 00:31:23,960 MEGAN'S PLASTIC POST IS ON MY NECK. WE'RE SLAPPING TOGETHER A 301 00:31:23,960 --> 00:31:28,464 SEQUEL, WHICH PROMISES TO BE EVEN MORE GAY. I'M MEGAN. 302 00:31:28,464 --> 00:31:36,672 I'M YOUR BEST FRIEND, YOU DUMB BITCH. IT'S MEGAN, 2.0. 303 00:31:36,672 --> 00:31:43,713 STRAP IN TO. GO MEGAN. I SIGNED UP FOR A 304 00:31:43,713 --> 00:31:56,993 SHANIA TWAIN SPIN CLASS. I SHOULD GO HOME. IT'S LIKE ROSE, BUT FOR GAYS. 305 00:31:56,993 --> 00:32:04,767 WANT A DANCE YOU CAN DO ON TIKTOK? WELL, GAG ON THIS. 306 00:32:04,767 --> 00:32:11,707 WHOO! LITERALLY GIVING ME LIFE. I HAD TO TURN OUT FOR MY LIL 307 00:32:11,707 --> 00:32:20,383 HOMO. BUT SERIOUSLY, YOU GUYS ARE LIL HOMOS. 308 00:32:20,383 --> 00:32:24,587 SEE, YOU CAN SAY IT. IF THERE'S ONE THING GAY MEN LOVE, IT'S UNHINGED PLASTIC 309 00:32:24,587 --> 00:32:30,793 WOMEN. I'M BORED. DRIVE ME HOME. 310 00:32:30,793 --> 00:32:36,365 MEGAN, YOU MESSY HO, I'M SOB SESED WITH YOU. EVERYONE STOP. 311 00:32:36,365 --> 00:32:40,937 GET AWAY FROM HER. SHE'S NOT YOUR FRIEND. SHE'S A KILLER, AND SHE WILL 312 00:32:40,937 --> 00:32:45,808 KILL YOU. OH, MY GOD. ARE YOU FROM THE SHOW GIRLS? 313 00:32:45,808 --> 00:32:49,312 YEAH. OH, YEAH, YOU HAD YOUR BUTT EATEN. 314 00:32:49,312 --> 00:32:51,481 THAT'S SO COOL. IT IS? YES. 315 00:32:51,481 --> 00:32:54,250 JOIN US! REALLY? EVEN THOUGH I'M STRAIGHT. 316 00:32:54,250 --> 00:33:03,092 MAMA IF YOU'RE GETTING YOUR ASS ATE ON TV YOU'RE AN ALLY, SIS. 317 00:33:03,092 --> 00:33:08,698 PLAY SOME MUSIC * NOTHING TO LOSE * NO, MEGAN, REAL MUSIC. 318 00:33:08,698 --> 00:33:18,207 OKAY, YOU HUNGRY SLUTS. MEGAN 2.0. THIS ONE'S FOR THE GAYS. 319 00:33:28,618 --> 00:33:42,565 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SAM SMITH. ** 320 00:33:42,565 --> 00:33:47,403 * MUMMY DON'T KNOW DADDY'S GETTING HOT AT THE BODY SHOP 321 00:33:47,403 --> 00:33:55,578 DOING SOMETHING UNHOLY * * HE LUCKY LUCKY YEAH OOH HE LUCKY LUCKY YEAH 322 00:33:55,578 --> 00:34:05,321 HE LUCKY LUCKY YEAH HE LUCKY LUCKY YEAH * * A LUCKY LUCKY GIRL 323 00:34:05,321 --> 00:34:11,828 SHE GOT MARRIED TO A BOY LIKE YOU SHE'D KICK YOU OUT * 324 00:34:11,828 --> 00:34:17,867 * IF SHE EVER EVER KNEW 'BOUT ALL THE YOU TELL ME THAT YOU DO 325 00:34:17,867 --> 00:34:24,941 DIRTY DIRTY BOY * * YOU KNOW EVERYONE IS TALKING ON THE SCENE 326 00:34:24,941 --> 00:34:28,211 I HEAR THEM WHISPERING 'BOUT THE PLACES * * THAT YOU'VE BEEN 327 00:34:28,211 --> 00:34:32,615 AND HOW YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO KEEP YOUR BUSINESS CLEAN * 328 00:34:32,615 --> 00:34:38,121 * MUMMY DON'T KNOW DADDY'S GETTING HOT AT THE BODY SHOP 329 00:34:38,121 --> 00:34:43,426 DOING SOMETHING UNHOLY * * HE'S SAT BACK WHILE SHE'S DROPPING IT 330 00:34:43,426 --> 00:34:47,730 SHE BE POPPING IT YEAH SHE PUT * * IT DOWN SLOWLY 331 00:34:47,730 --> 00:34:53,703 OH-EE-OH-EE-OH HE LEFT HIS KIDS AT HO-EE-OH-EE-OME * 332 00:34:53,703 --> 00:34:58,574 * SO HE CAN GET THAT MUMMY DON'T KNOW DADDY'S GETTING HOT 333 00:34:58,574 --> 00:35:03,413 AT THE BODY SHOP * * DOING SOMETHING UNHOLY MMM DADDY DADDY 334 00:35:03,413 --> 00:35:07,717 IF YOU WANT IT DROP THE ADD'Y YUH * * GIVE ME LOVE GIVE ME FENDI 335 00:35:07,717 --> 00:35:13,189 MY BALENCIAGA DADDY YOU GON' NEED TO BAG IT UP CAUSE IM SPENDING ON RODEO * 336 00:35:13,189 --> 00:35:17,093 * YOU CAN WATCH ME BACK IT UP I'LL BE GONE IN THE A.M 337 00:35:17,093 --> 00:35:20,830 AND HE HE GET ME PRADA * * GET ME MIU MIU LIKE RIHANNA AH 338 00:35:20,830 --> 00:35:25,701 HE ALWAYS CALL ME 'CAUSE I NEVER CAUSE NO DRAMA * * AND WHEN YOU WANT IT BABY 339 00:35:25,701 --> 00:35:31,140 I KNOW I GOT YOU COVERED AND WHEN YOU NEED IT BABY JUST JUMP UNDER THE COVERS * 340 00:35:31,140 --> 00:35:38,214 * MUMMY DON'T KNOW DADDY'S GETTING HOT AT THE BODY SHOP 341 00:35:38,214 --> 00:35:42,018 DOIN' SOMETHIN' UNHOLY * * HE'S SAT BACK WHILE SHE'S DROPPING IT 342 00:35:42,018 --> 00:35:46,322 SHE BE POPPING IT YEAH SHE PUT * * IT DOWN SLOWLY 343 00:35:46,322 --> 00:35:51,761 OH-EE-OH-EE-OH HE LEFT HIS KIDS AT HO-EE-OH-EE-OME * 344 00:35:51,761 --> 00:35:57,166 * SO HE CAN GET THAT MUMMY DON'T KNOW DADDY'S GETTING HOT 345 00:35:57,166 --> 00:36:16,586 AT THE BODY SHOP DOIN' SOMETHING UNHOLY * ** 346 00:36:16,586 --> 00:36:26,929 ** * DOING SOMETHING UNHOLY * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 347 00:36:42,745 --> 00:36:47,717 THANK YOU. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE. 348 00:36:47,717 --> 00:36:52,822 I'M MICHAEL CHE. AND I'M COLIN JOST. GEORGE SANTOS IS FACING MULTIPLE 349 00:36:52,822 --> 00:36:58,795 INVESTIGATIONS FOR LYING ABOUT NEARLY EVERY ASPECT OF HIS LIFE TO MAKE HIMSELF APPEAR FAR MORE 350 00:36:58,795 --> 00:37:04,801 SUCCESSFUL THAN HE IS. EARNING HIM THE NICKNAME, INSTAGRAM. 351 00:37:04,801 --> 00:37:13,776 OF ALL OF GEORGE SANTOS' LIES, MY FAVE WIT WAS HE WAS A STANDOUT VOLLEYBALL PLAYER. 352 00:37:13,776 --> 00:37:19,982 THAT'S A FINE THING TO BE BUT AN INSANE THING TO PRETEND TO BE. LIKE, THAT'S HIS FANTASY? 353 00:37:19,982 --> 00:37:28,224 IT'S LIKE ASKING A KID WHAT DO THEY WANT TO BE WHEN THEY GROW UP AND THEY'RE LIKE, ASSISTANT 354 00:37:28,224 --> 00:37:35,098 MANAGER AT KOHL'S. GEORGE SANTOS SEEN HERE WITH TWO PEOPLE HE LISTED AS PROFESSIONAL 355 00:37:35,098 --> 00:37:41,270 REFERENCES WAS DESCRIBED BY A FASHION EXPERT AS BEING ABLE TO GET AWAY WITH HIS LIES FOR SO 356 00:37:41,270 --> 00:37:45,274 LONG BECAUSE HE'S SO WELL DRESSED. THIS GUY IS WELL DRESSED? 357 00:37:45,274 --> 00:37:50,880 LOOKS LIKE HE'S TRYING TO STEAL CLOTHES BY PUTTING THEM OVER WHEN WHAT HE WORE INTO THE 358 00:37:50,880 --> 00:37:54,584 STORE. NOT TO BE A BITCH, BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS LOOK? 359 00:37:54,584 --> 00:38:07,330 A BLAZER OVER A HAPPEN ZIP, GIRL NOT AT MY YACHT PARTY. A DRAG QUEEN WHO CLAIMS SEW 360 00:38:07,330 --> 00:38:13,636 PERFORMED WITH GEORGE SANTOS SAID THAT GEORGE DID NOT HAVE THE GLAMOUR TO BE A 361 00:38:13,636 --> 00:38:19,475 PROFESSIONAL, BUT SHE SAID ANOTHER DRAG QUEEN IN CONGRESS IS ACTUALLY SLAYING AS 362 00:38:19,475 --> 00:38:25,615 ACHARACTER MARJORIE TAYLOR GREEN. EARLIER TODAY, THE FBI SEARCHED 363 00:38:25,615 --> 00:38:32,088 PRESIDENT BIDEN'S DELAWARE HOME AND FOUND SIX ADDITIONAL OBAMA ERA CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS. 364 00:38:32,088 --> 00:38:38,394 WORSE, ONE OF THEM WAS OBAMA'S REAL BIRTH CERTIFICATE. IT WAS HIDDEN IN A COPY OF BLACK 365 00:38:38,394 --> 00:38:49,739 TAIL MAGAZINE. THE BIDEN CLASSIFIED DOCUMENT SCANDAL IS DIFFERENT FROM THE 366 00:38:49,739 --> 00:38:58,414 TRUMP SCANDAL, BUT THEY BOTH MAKE HILLARY CLINTON WANT TO BLOW HER GOD DAMN BRAINS OUT. 367 00:38:58,414 --> 00:39:06,089 IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO FUNNY IF THEY SEARCHED BIDEN'S GARAGE, AND HE HAD HILLARY'S SERVER. 368 00:39:06,089 --> 00:39:15,264 FLORIDA GOVERNOR RON DeSANTIS HAS IMPOSED A POLICY PERMANANTLY BANNING MASK MANDATES AND MASK 369 00:39:15,264 --> 00:39:22,505 REQUIREMENTS SAYING WHEN THE WORLD LOST ITS MIND, FLORIDA WAS A REFUGE OF SANITY, AND EVERYONE 370 00:39:22,505 --> 00:39:31,147 IN THE CROWD TOOK A BITE OF NITRUS AND BIT A CUP. RON DeSANTIS WILL RUN AGAINST 371 00:39:31,147 --> 00:39:38,187 TRUMP, AND HE SAYS, WE'LL HANDLE THIS THE WAY WE HANDLE THINGS, SO ROUGH AND WITHOUT CONSENT? 372 00:39:38,187 --> 00:39:47,263 OH. THE U.S. GOVERNMENT HIT ITS DEBT LIMIT ON THURSDAY, AND THE 373 00:39:47,263 --> 00:39:52,468 COUNTRY NOW RISKS DEFAULTING ON ITS BILLS. WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE. 374 00:39:52,468 --> 00:39:57,907 YOU SPEND TOO MUCH BECAUSE LIFE'S TOO SHORT, THEN THE BILL COMES DUE, THE BANK WON'T LOAD 375 00:39:57,907 --> 00:40:02,178 YOU MONEY ANYMORE, YOU HAVE TO FACE THE MUSIC AND BLOW UP YOUR STATEN ISLAND FERRY FOR THE 376 00:40:02,178 --> 00:40:04,847 FACE THE MUSIC AND BLOW UP YOUR STATEN ISLAND FERRY FOR THE INSURANCE MONEY. 377 00:40:08,684 --> 00:40:13,289 FIELD OF NUCLEAR FUSION, WHICH MAY LEAD TO LIMITLESS CLEAN ENERGY. 378 00:40:13,289 --> 00:40:19,128 HERE TO COMMENT IS THE MAN BEHIND THE RESEARCH -- OH, NO -- GEORGE SANTOS. 379 00:40:19,128 --> 00:40:25,368 NOW, NOW, NOW COLIN. I'M THE SCIENTIST. NO. 380 00:40:25,368 --> 00:40:30,239 YOU'RE GEORGE SANTOS, AND YOU HAVE BEEN ALL OVER THE NEWS LYING ABOUT BASICALLY EVERY PART 381 00:40:30,239 --> 00:40:33,643 OF YOUR LIFE. MAYBE. WELL, YOU LIED ABOUT GOING TO 382 00:40:33,643 --> 00:40:38,781 NYU. YOU DID. YOU LIED ABOUT WORKING AT 383 00:40:38,781 --> 00:40:46,089 GOLDMAN SACKS. I FILLED THE GOLDMAN'S SACKS. YOU SAID YOUR MOM DIED IN 384 00:40:46,089 --> 00:40:54,664 9/11. I THINK I SAID 7/11. YOU LIED ABOUT BEING JEWISH. 385 00:40:54,664 --> 00:40:58,901 I SAID THAT BECAUSE MY GRAND PARENTS WERE IN THE HOLOCAUST. REALLY? 386 00:40:58,901 --> 00:41:08,411 YEAH, THEY ACTUALLY KNEW ANN FRANK. MY ANCESTORS WERE THE ONES THAT 387 00:41:08,411 --> 00:41:10,179 TOLD HER, YOU SHOULD BE WRITING THIS DOWN. THAT CANNOT BE TRUE. 388 00:41:10,179 --> 00:41:15,785 GEORGE, PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I AM GEORGE SANTOS, 389 00:41:15,785 --> 00:41:24,127 MR. INTERNASTY. I GRADUATED ON A VOLLEYBALL SCHOLARSHIP. 390 00:41:24,127 --> 00:41:29,465 AND I AM A CROWD REPRESENTATIVE FOR MY DISTRICT IN LONG ISLAND, NEW JERSEY. 391 00:41:29,465 --> 00:41:34,871 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? HANG ON. MADONNA'S CALLING ME. 392 00:41:34,871 --> 00:41:36,906 HELLO? LIKE A VIRGIN? I REMEMBER. 393 00:41:36,906 --> 00:41:39,542 I WAS THERE. I WAS THE VIRGIN. LOVE YOU. 394 00:41:39,542 --> 00:41:43,679 SEE YOU AT HOME. GEORGE, WE DON'T BELIEVE ANYTHING YOU'RE SAYING. 395 00:41:43,679 --> 00:41:52,221 BY THE WAY, I KNOW I LOOK ASIAN, BUT THAT'S BECAUSE MY MAIDEN NAME IS CHOW BECAUSE I'M 396 00:41:52,221 --> 00:41:56,059 BRAZILIAN. I GOT IT. CAN YOU EXPLAIN HOW YOU SUDDENLY 397 00:41:56,059 --> 00:42:01,097 BECAME A MILLIONAIRE, ESPECIALLY AFTER BEING LINKED TO THE NEPHEW OF A RUSSIAN OLIGARCH. 398 00:42:01,097 --> 00:42:16,179 THAT'S NOTHING. THE ONLY LINK I HAVE IS MY GREAT GRANDMOTHER WAS A LITTLE BAD IN 399 00:42:16,179 --> 00:42:21,384 THE MOVIE -- FROM ANASTASIA? YES. 400 00:42:21,384 --> 00:42:32,128 RYAN IS IN IT AND KIRSTEN DUNST PLAYS ANASTASIA. I'M NOT LYING LIKE BALLOON BOY. 401 00:42:32,128 --> 00:42:35,665 REMEMBER HIM, ABOUT BEING IN A BALLOON? BECAUSE THAT WAS ME. 402 00:42:35,665 --> 00:42:41,604 NO, IT WAS NOT. I'M NOT LYING. THEY MADE ME TAKE A LIE DETECTOR 403 00:42:41,604 --> 00:42:45,708 TEST BEFORE I CAME IN HERE, LOOK. THAT'S A COVID TEST. 404 00:42:45,708 --> 00:42:49,579 MADONNA IS CALLING ME. SHE'S CALLING YOU ON THE COVID TEST? 405 00:42:49,579 --> 00:42:55,818 YOU HAVE TO STOP LYING. THERE'S NO LAW AGAINST LYING. LOOK AT YOU, YOU'RE WEARING 406 00:42:55,818 --> 00:42:59,789 MAKEUP. ISN'T THAT A LIE, MAKING EVERYONE THINK YOU'RE GORGEOUS? 407 00:42:59,789 --> 00:43:09,465 BUT, GEORGE, I AM GORGEOUS. WHOA, BUDDY. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY 408 00:43:09,465 --> 00:43:14,504 REPUBLICANS WON'T CONDEMN YOU. THEY PROMOTED YOU TO TWO COMMITTEE ASSIGNMENTS. 409 00:43:14,504 --> 00:43:20,243 OF COURSE THEY DID, COLIN. I'M A TEAM PLAYER, AND THE SPORT IS LIES. 410 00:43:20,243 --> 00:43:24,280 AT LEAST MINE ARE FUN. MARJORIE TAYLOR GREEN IS OVER I'M JUST SAYING IT HAPPENED TO 411 00:43:24,280 --> 00:43:27,884 I'M JUST SAYING IT HAPPENED TO ME! GEORGE SANTOS. 412 00:43:34,257 --> 00:43:41,030 THE POPULATION OF CHINA DECLINED BY 850,000 PEOPLE. THANKS TO AN INCREASE IN CHINA'S 413 00:43:41,030 --> 00:43:47,437 LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH, PROTESTING. CHINA PLANS TO REVERSE THE 414 00:43:47,437 --> 00:43:57,847 POPULATION DECLINE WITH AN EMERGENCY IMPORT OF NICK CANNON. GOOD NEWS IT'S A HAPPY ENDING. 415 00:43:57,847 --> 00:44:02,418 HAPPY ENDING TO THAT. DUE TO A COMPUTER ERROR, A SCHOOL IN MASSACHUSETTS HAS BEEN 416 00:44:02,418 --> 00:44:09,459 UNABLE TO TURN OFF ITS LIGHTS FOR OVER A YEAR AND A HALF. THE STUDENTS ARE DOING FINE, BUT 417 00:44:09,459 --> 00:44:16,399 THE CLASSROOM HAMSTER HAS GONE INSANE. THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF THE 418 00:44:16,399 --> 00:44:22,705 INTERIOR HAS CHANGED THE NAME OF SQUALL VALLEY, CALIFORNIA BECAUSE IT'S CONSIDERED A ZROG 419 00:44:22,705 --> 00:44:25,808 TORY TERM NOR NATIVE AMERICAN WOMEN. I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THAT NAME 420 00:44:25,808 --> 00:44:34,417 GETS CHANGED, AND YET NO ONE CARES THERE'S AN ENTIRE TOWN IN NEW YORK THAT MOCKS MY PEOPLE. 421 00:44:34,417 --> 00:44:42,225 IN SAN FRANCISCO -- A SAN FRANCISCO PANEL STUDYING REPARATIONS IS PROPOSING GIVING 422 00:44:42,225 --> 00:44:48,197 EVERY BLACK RESIDENT A ONE-TIME PAYMENT OF $5 MILLION. THAT'S A FANTASTIC IDEA, SAID 423 00:44:48,197 --> 00:44:57,640 THE GUCCI STORE. KEVIN SPACEY -- HOLD FOR APPLAUSE. 424 00:44:57,640 --> 00:45:04,080 KEVIN SPACEY MADE HIS FIRST PUBLIC SPEAKING APPEARANCE IN FIVE YEARS WHERE HE THANKED 425 00:45:04,080 --> 00:45:10,286 ITALY'S NATIONAL CINEMA MUSEUM FOR HAVING THE BALLS TO INVITE HIM. 426 00:45:10,286 --> 00:45:14,924 HE ALSO ASKED, COULD I TOUCH THE BALLS. I'M KIDDING. 427 00:45:14,924 --> 00:45:21,497 HE DIDN'T ASK PERMISSION. A CATHOLIC NUN IN FRANCE WHO WAS BELIEVED TO BE THE OLDEST 428 00:45:21,497 --> 00:45:26,702 PERSON IN THE WORLD HAS DIED AT THE AGE OF 118. HER CAUSE OF DEATH WAS LISTED AS 429 00:45:26,702 --> 00:45:40,249 ANSWERED PRAYER. ANDY MURRAY WAS UPSET AFTER AN UMPIRE AT THE AUSTRALIAN OPEN 430 00:45:40,249 --> 00:45:44,654 REFUSED TO LET HIM TAKE A BATHROOM BREAK AFTER A FIVE LONG SET MATCH. 431 00:45:44,654 --> 00:45:46,756 BATHROOM BREAK AFTER A FIVE LONG SET MATCH. WORSE, IT WAS DEUCE. 432 00:45:51,494 --> 00:45:56,566 TROUBLE HIRING NEW EMPLOYEES. HERE TO ENCOURAGE YOUNG PEOPLE TO GET INVOLVED IN LOCAL 433 00:45:56,566 --> 00:46:05,074 GOVERNMENT IS A LONG-TIME EMPLOYEE OF THE CITY OF INDIANA. APRIL LUDGATE. 434 00:46:15,418 --> 00:46:22,291 HI. HI, APRIL. WHAT? 435 00:46:22,291 --> 00:46:25,695 NOTHING. YOU SAID YOU CAME OUT HERE TO TALK ABOUT LOCAL GOVERNMENT. 436 00:46:25,695 --> 00:46:28,564 I WILL WHEN YOU STOP YELLING AT ME. OKAY. 437 00:46:28,564 --> 00:46:34,771 FINE. SO, YEAH, EVERYBODY SHOULD GET INVOLVED WHERE THEY LIVE. 438 00:46:34,771 --> 00:46:38,341 IF YOU'RE YOUNG, YOU SHOULD GET A JOB AS A GARBAGE MAN OR SOMETHING. 439 00:46:38,341 --> 00:46:42,612 OKAY. ARE THERE OTHER JOBS? YOU WANT ME TO LIST THEM? 440 00:46:42,612 --> 00:46:48,317 OKAY. FINE. DRIVE A BUS. 441 00:46:48,317 --> 00:46:54,190 YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE ON TIME. NOBODY CARES. WORK FOR THE WATER DEPARTMENT. 442 00:46:54,190 --> 00:46:58,895 YOU CAN DRAIN THE RESERVOIR AND FIND ALL THE BODIES AND MURDER CLUES. 443 00:46:58,895 --> 00:47:07,203 OR JUST BE A DOGCATCHER AND JUST SAY YOU COULDN'T FIND ANY. YEAH. 444 00:47:07,203 --> 00:47:12,809 BECAUSE WHEN YOU WORK FOR THE LOCAL GOVERNMENT, DOING THE BARE MINIMUM IS DOING YOUR PART. 445 00:47:12,809 --> 00:47:14,577 OKAY. ALL RIGHT. OKAY. 446 00:47:14,577 --> 00:47:17,814 BUT WHAT IF YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO WORK HARD? I DON'T KNOW. 447 00:47:17,814 --> 00:47:33,930 YOU'RE ANNOYING ME. JUST ASK MY OLD BOSS. LESLIE KNOPE. 448 00:47:33,930 --> 00:47:39,102 HI, APRIL! HI, COLIN. HI, MICHAEL CHE. 449 00:47:39,102 --> 00:47:44,006 WOW, LOOK AT THIS. WHO KNEW THERE WERE CAMERAS AT SNL. 450 00:47:44,006 --> 00:47:46,676 YEAH. YEAH. SO YOU WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT. 451 00:47:46,676 --> 00:47:52,014 YEAH, PARK SERVICE, YEP. SO HOW MUCH FUN IS IT WORKING HERE? 452 00:47:52,014 --> 00:48:00,223 DO YOU GUYS JUST SIT AROUND CRACKING EACH OTHER UP ALL DAY? WELL, NOT AT LIKE 8:00 A.M., 453 00:48:00,223 --> 00:48:03,659 BUT, YEAH, GENERALLY. HOW DOES IT TAKE TO RUN A FEDERAL AGENCY? 454 00:48:03,659 --> 00:48:08,631 ALL YOU DO IS SHOW UP EVERY DAY AND DO THE JOB. BUT I WANT TO PICK YOUR BRAIN 455 00:48:08,631 --> 00:48:14,070 ABOUT THIS JOB, ABOUT THIS SHOW, BECAUSE I USED TO WATCH THIS WHEN SETH MYERS DID IT BY 456 00:48:14,070 --> 00:48:20,376 HIMSELF WITH NO ONE ELSE. AND HE MADE IT LOOK REALLY EASY. YEAH. 457 00:48:20,376 --> 00:48:23,312 SO YOU SAID YOU WERE HERE TO TALK ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT. YEAH. 458 00:48:23,312 --> 00:48:29,285 BUT QUICK QUESTION. PRESIDENT BIDEN, WHEN HE ZOOMED IN BEFORE, COULD HE SEE ME, OR 459 00:48:29,285 --> 00:48:33,656 WERE THE CAMERAS ON? I THINK HE PRERECORDED THAT. OH. 460 00:48:33,656 --> 00:48:40,129 I THOUGHT THIS SHOW WAS LIFE. WELL, MOST OF IT IS. OH, MY GOD. 461 00:48:40,129 --> 00:48:44,300 CAN WE PLEASE GO? THIS GUY HAS BEEN BOTHERING ME FOR A HALF AN HOUR. 462 00:48:44,300 --> 00:48:51,574 WE CAN'T STAY LONG. WE HAVE A TIMED ENTRY TO THE MandM STORE. 463 00:48:51,574 --> 00:48:58,481 BEFORE WE GO -- AND MAY I BE SO BOLD? DO YOU MIND IF I TRY TO TELL A 464 00:48:58,481 --> 00:48:59,716 JOKE? I WOULD LOVE THAT. PLEASE. 465 00:48:59,716 --> 00:49:06,222 THANK YOU. THIS FEELS GOOD. THIS FEELS NICE. 466 00:49:06,222 --> 00:49:09,125 OKAY. LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT. OKAY. 467 00:49:09,125 --> 00:49:12,628 ALL RIGHT. OH, NO. THAT'S TOO MEAN. 468 00:49:12,628 --> 00:49:15,698 OH, WHAT? NO. THAT'S WAY TOO MEAN. 469 00:49:15,698 --> 00:49:17,300 NO. OKAY. I'LL DO THIS ONE. 470 00:49:17,300 --> 00:49:22,872 A TOWN IN ALASKA HAS LAUNCHED A BUS SERVICE FOR PUPPIES. THE SERVICE HAS EXPANDED TO 471 00:49:22,872 --> 00:49:30,680 PUPPIES THANKS TO THE HE ROWIC ACTIVISM OF CANINE CIVIL RIGHTS ICON, ROSA BARKS. 472 00:49:30,680 --> 00:49:39,689 ICON, ROSA BARKS. I LOVE THAT. I'M APRIL 473 00:49:53,636 --> 00:49:58,875 MY JOB TO KEEP YOU ALL SAFE. AND DOING THAT, I MUST TELL THE TRUTH OF THIS WAR. 474 00:49:58,875 --> 00:50:06,816 WHAT'S GOING ON, JAKE SULLY? THERE ARE REPORTS THAT HUMANS HAVE INFILTRATED THE CLAN. 475 00:50:06,816 --> 00:50:16,392 I FEAR THERE ARE SKY PEOPLE LIVING AMONG US DISGUISED AS AVATARS. 476 00:50:16,392 --> 00:50:17,894 THAT CAN'T BE. NO. THESE ARE OUR BROTHERS AND 477 00:50:17,894 --> 00:50:24,534 SISTERS. WHAT? WE GOT HUMANS UP IN HERE? 478 00:50:24,534 --> 00:50:28,504 NOT COOL, MAN. NOT COOL. YEAH, I HATE THAT. 479 00:50:28,504 --> 00:50:33,076 I KNOW IT'S DIFFICULT TO PROCESS, BUT WE MUST STAY VIGILANT. 480 00:50:33,076 --> 00:50:39,415 REPORTS TELL US THAT WE SHOULD BE LOOKING FOR TWO FEMALE LIEUTENANTS THAT ARE SPIES 481 00:50:39,415 --> 00:50:47,490 DESCRIBED AS BUTCH LADIES FROM ARIZONA. LISTEN UP. 482 00:50:47,490 --> 00:50:53,029 ALL RIGHT, Y'ALL. WE NEED TO BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR SOME GRAND CANYON TYPES. 483 00:50:53,029 --> 00:50:57,767 JAKE SULLY, IT'S OBVIOUSLY THESE TWO. VICKIE AND CHRISTINE? 484 00:50:57,767 --> 00:51:07,877 WHOA! YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW, FRITO? COME ON, FRITO? 485 00:51:07,877 --> 00:51:15,118 EVERYONE, BE CALM. NOW THESE WITH BIG ACCUSATIONS, FRIOTE. 486 00:51:15,118 --> 00:51:18,521 THANK YOU. APPRECIATE IT. THAT'S JAKE. 487 00:51:18,521 --> 00:51:21,958 WAIT. YEAH. NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, THEY 488 00:51:21,958 --> 00:51:29,432 DO ALWAYS LOOK DOWN AT THEIR OWN BODIES AND SAY OUT LOUD, WHOA, THIS IS CRAZY. 489 00:51:29,432 --> 00:51:35,304 WHOA. BRO, YOURS IS WILD. IT ALL MAKES SENSE. 490 00:51:35,304 --> 00:51:44,047 IS THAT WHY THEY CALL THEMSELVES THE MARICOPE COUNTER OF MILF HUNTERS? 491 00:51:44,047 --> 00:51:49,419 AND WHY ARE THEY WEARING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT CLOTHING? WHOA, WHAT HAPPENED TO WOMEN 492 00:51:49,419 --> 00:51:53,022 SUPPORTING WOMEN, BITCH? SERIOUSLY. OKAY? 493 00:51:53,022 --> 00:52:01,230 WE'RE COOL WITH LETTING OUR NIPS FLY SOMETIMES, AND MAYBE WE'RE NOT AS COMFORTABLE IN THONGS. 494 00:52:01,230 --> 00:52:08,438 I'M LOOKING AT YOU, CHEESE BURGER. LISTEN, GUYS, OUR SKIN'S 495 00:52:08,438 --> 00:52:15,712 BLUE, AND I THINK WE KNOW HOW TO USE OUR TAILS. I THINK WE KNOW. 496 00:52:15,712 --> 00:52:26,823 HOW LONG WAS I OUT? WHOA, HOW LONG WERE WE OUT? YOU WERE NOT OUT. 497 00:52:26,823 --> 00:52:32,195 WAIT. A QUEEN IS BACK. SCREAMING LADY ALERT. 498 00:52:32,195 --> 00:52:36,566 HERE WE GO. THEY'VE COME TO OUR LAND. THEY'VE COME FOR OUR PEOPLE. 499 00:52:36,566 --> 00:52:40,770 ALL RIGHT, HON. WE MUST KILL THEM. DON'T START CRYING. 500 00:52:40,770 --> 00:52:45,341 AHHH! WAIT. WHAT ARE THEY DOING? 501 00:52:45,341 --> 00:52:49,145 COME ON. COME ON, COME ON. GET AROUND ME. 502 00:52:49,145 --> 00:52:52,749 GET OPEN. GET OPEN. JAKE, GET OPEN. 503 00:52:52,749 --> 00:52:56,586 JAKE, JAKE, GET OPEN. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING. 504 00:52:56,586 --> 00:52:58,688 THINK FAST. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING. 505 00:52:58,688 --> 00:53:02,158 YOU GUYS CANNOT BE PLAYING BASKETBALL RIGHT NOW. WHAT? 506 00:53:02,158 --> 00:53:07,997 I NEED YOU TO FOCUS IF WE'RE EVER GOING TO CATCH THE MOLES. YOU ALL RIGHT? 507 00:53:07,997 --> 00:53:14,470 YEAH. JAKE. JAKE, COME ON, MAN. 508 00:53:14,470 --> 00:53:23,146 COME ON, YOU GOT TO TRUST ME. IT'S ME. IT'S ME, FRITO -- I MEAN, 509 00:53:23,146 --> 00:53:25,948 FRIOTE. JAKE SULLY. JAKE SULLY. 510 00:53:25,948 --> 00:53:29,118 COME ON, MAN. IT'S THEM. I HAVEN'T SEEN TWO PEOPLE 511 00:53:29,118 --> 00:53:34,490 PLAYING BASKETBALL SINCE I WAS LIVING BACK ON EARTH AS A HUMAN BEING. 512 00:53:34,490 --> 00:53:38,861 OH! IT WAS FRITO THE WHOLE TIME? AND US TOO. 513 00:53:38,861 --> 00:53:42,498 VICKIE, COME ON. OH, SHOOT. DUDE, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. 514 00:53:42,498 --> 00:53:51,007 OH, SHOOT. DUDE, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. YEAH. 515 00:54:33,216 --> 00:54:49,499 * DEMONS ON MY SHOULDER MONSTERS IN MY HEAD SHADOW IN THE WATER 516 00:54:49,499 --> 00:55:03,079 WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND * * THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND ME 517 00:55:03,079 --> 00:55:41,217 AS I LAY IN MY BED DREAMING OF MORE MORE * * DIAMONDS IN THE SEA * 518 00:55:41,217 --> 00:56:04,741 * A TIME WHERE THERE -- IF ONLY YOU BELIEVE * * THAT THERE IS ALWAYS MORE 519 00:56:04,741 --> 00:56:06,409 MORE * * BE YOURSELF SO LOUD TONIGHT MMM SO LOUD 520 00:56:06,409 --> 00:56:12,982 THEY'LL HEAR YOU FROM THE STARS * * THEY WILL HEAR YOU FROM 521 00:56:12,982 --> 00:56:21,491 SPARKLING LIKE DYNAMITE SPARKLE IF THAT IS WHO YOU ARE * 522 00:56:21,491 --> 00:56:26,996 * IT'S WHO YOU ARE A HYMN FOR GLORIA FOR GLORIA 523 00:56:26,996 --> 00:56:35,138 FOR GLORIA GLORIA * * A HYMN FOR GLORIA GLORIA 524 00:56:35,138 --> 00:56:37,874 FOR GLORIA GLORIA GLORIA * * GLORIA 525 00:56:37,874 --> 00:56:40,109 GLORIA GLORIA IT'S ALL BUT * 526 00:56:40,109 --> 00:56:42,845 * A HYMN FOR GLORIA IT'S ALL A HYMN FOR GLORI-GLORI GLORIA 527 00:56:42,845 --> 00:56:55,324 IT'S ALL BUT * * A HYMN FOR GLORIA IT'S FOR GLORIA * 528 00:56:55,324 --> 00:57:00,730 * A HYMN FOR GLORIA IT'S FOR GLORIA * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 529 00:57:15,511 --> 00:57:24,420 I THREW MY BREAKFAST AT MY ASSISTANT, SO I'M STARVING. TOMMY, I WANT YOU DANCING UP 530 00:57:24,420 --> 00:57:29,092 TOP. CAMERA THEN CUTS TO MARIO. YOU'RE POURING EVERYONE'S SHOTS. 531 00:57:29,092 --> 00:57:36,332 THEN JAMAL, YOU TOAST MARIO. SOUND GOOD? YEAH. 532 00:57:36,332 --> 00:57:39,936 PLACES. ACTION. LIVING WITH HIV? 533 00:57:39,936 --> 00:57:44,240 I LEARNED I COULD SAY UNDETECTABLE WITH FEWER MEDICINES. 534 00:57:44,240 --> 00:57:50,847 MOST HIV PILLS HAVE SO MANY MEDICINES, BUT DOVA THE, O HAS LESS, AND IT'S JUST AS 535 00:57:50,847 --> 00:57:54,584 EFFECTIVE. THAT'S WHY I SWITCHED TO DOVATO HIV TREATMENT. 536 00:57:54,584 --> 00:57:59,689 I AIN'T GAY, THOUGH. CUT! OKAY. 537 00:57:59,689 --> 00:58:05,628 OKAY. THAT WAS A GOOD FIRST RUN, GUYS. TOMMY, MAYBE A LITTLE BETTER 538 00:58:05,628 --> 00:58:10,533 DANCING UP TOP. YEAH, GOT IT. I CAN DO A LITTLE MORE. 539 00:58:10,533 --> 00:58:16,739 NOT REALLY MORE, JUST BETTER. PERFECT, MARIO. AND JAMAL, BUDDY, I FEEL LIKE 540 00:58:16,739 --> 00:58:24,347 YOU MAYBE AD LIBBED A BIT AT THE END. THE LINE IS THAT'S WHY I 541 00:58:24,347 --> 00:58:32,588 SWITCHED TO DOVATO HIV TREATMENT THEN FULL STOP. GOT IT. 542 00:58:32,588 --> 00:58:35,992 FROM THE TOP. ACTION! LIVING WITH HIV, I LEARNED I 543 00:58:35,992 --> 00:58:42,398 COULD STAY UNDETECTABLE WITH FEWER MEDICINES. MOST HIV PILLS HAVE SO MANY 544 00:58:42,398 --> 00:58:49,705 MEDICINES, BUT DOVATO HAS LESS, AND IT'S JUST AS EFFECTIVE. THAT'S WHY I SWITCHED TO 545 00:58:49,705 --> 00:58:54,343 DOVATO HIV TREATMENT. FACT, YOU CAN GET HIV FROM A GIRL. 546 00:58:54,343 --> 00:59:00,116 THAT'S HOW I DID IT. CUT! AGAIN, AGAIN, WOW. 547 00:59:00,116 --> 00:59:03,920 DID I MESS UP THE DANCING? YEAH. IT WAS WORSE THIS TIME. 548 00:59:03,920 --> 00:59:10,593 ONCE AGAIN, MARIO, PERFECTION. AND JAMAL, BUDDY, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO SAY. 549 00:59:10,593 --> 00:59:16,065 I MESSED UP THE DANCING. NO. YOU AD LIBBED AGAIN. 550 00:59:16,065 --> 00:59:21,070 ARE YOU COMFORTABLE WITH THIS SCRIPT? NO, NOT AT ALL. 551 00:59:21,070 --> 00:59:26,242 WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? I FEEL LIKE IT'S NOT CLEAR MY CHARACTER IS A STRAIGHT GUY 552 00:59:26,242 --> 00:59:29,712 RESPECTFULLY. IT'S NOT. THIS SCENE TAKES PLACE AT A GAY 553 00:59:29,712 --> 00:59:31,347 CLUB. OH, WORD. OKAY. 554 00:59:31,347 --> 00:59:34,384 YEAH. IS THAT GOING TO BE A PROBLEM FOR YOU. 555 00:59:34,384 --> 00:59:41,090 NO, NO PROBLEM. I JUST AIN'T, NO DOUBT. GOOD BECAUSE I WOULD LOVE TO 556 00:59:41,090 --> 00:59:46,262 GET THIS SCENE WRAPPED BEFORE MY SALAD GETS COLD. IT'S A HOT SALAD. 557 00:59:46,262 --> 00:59:50,767 AND ACTION. LIVING WITH HIV, I LEARNED I COULD STAY UNDETECTABLE WITH 558 00:59:50,767 --> 00:59:54,370 FEWER MEDICINES. IT'S A GAY CLUB. WHAT. 559 00:59:54,370 --> 00:59:59,776 I MEAN, I'M COOL WITH THAT, I JUST DIDN'T KNOW THAT. OKAY. 560 00:59:59,776 --> 01:00:04,147 FACT. THERE BE MAD STRAIGHT GIRLS AT THE GAY CLUBS, AND THEY BE 561 01:00:04,147 --> 01:00:09,652 READY, AND THAT'S WHERE I COME IN. CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE YELL CUT? 562 01:00:09,652 --> 01:00:10,787 CUT. CUT. CUT. 563 01:00:10,787 --> 01:00:17,460 SORRY. SORRY. I TOOK A QUICK BITE OF MY HOT 564 01:00:17,460 --> 01:00:20,863 SALAD. IT BURNED THE ROOF OF MY MOUTH. HOW DID I DO? 565 01:00:20,863 --> 01:00:25,968 IT WAS THE WORST THING I'VE EVER SEEN BESIDES TOMMY'S DANCING. 566 01:00:25,968 --> 01:00:31,207 I'M TRYING. I JUST FEEL LIKE SINCE I'M STRAIGHT, MY GUY SHOULD BE 567 01:00:31,207 --> 01:00:36,045 STRAIGHT TOO. IT'S JUST ACTING, BRO. I'M NOT ACTUALLY GAY EITHER. 568 01:00:36,045 --> 01:00:40,717 OKAY. JAMAL, IF YOU'RE UNCOMFORTABLE, WE CAN JUST GIVE 569 01:00:40,717 --> 01:00:46,622 YOUR LINES TO MARIO. DO I STILL GET PAID THE SAME? YOU DON'T GET PAID. 570 01:00:46,622 --> 01:00:50,226 YOU JUST GO HOME. I NEED THIS JOB. THEN SAY THE LINES. 571 01:00:50,226 --> 01:00:56,365 WHAT IF MY GUY GOT HIV FROM BASKETBALL LIKE MAGIC JOHNSON. I APPRECIATE YOU COMING DOWN, 572 01:00:56,365 --> 01:01:00,203 BUT CLEARLY YOU'RE NOT MATURE ENOUGH TO HANDLE THIS ROLE, JAMAL. 573 01:01:00,203 --> 01:01:04,107 THAT'S A FACT. SO WHY DON'T YOU AND TOMMY JUST LEAVE, PLEASE? 574 01:01:04,107 --> 01:01:08,111 SO WHY DON'T YOU AND TOMMY JUST LEAVE, PLEASE? WAIT, ME? 575 01:01:24,026 --> 01:01:34,303 THERE WAS SOMETHING ABOUT THIS CASE I COULDN'T SHAKE. A MAN WHO EATS DINNER EARLY. 576 01:01:34,303 --> 01:01:36,906 I LIKE THAT. HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN HERE? 577 01:01:36,906 --> 01:01:40,610 YOU HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING ME. WHY? YOUR HUSBAND IS DEAD, AND I 578 01:01:40,610 --> 01:01:46,315 THINK YOU KILLED HIM. I DIDN'T KILL ANYONE MISTER -- 579 01:01:46,315 --> 01:01:49,285 RALLY. I LOVED MY HUSBAND, MR. RALLY. 580 01:01:49,285 --> 01:01:54,724 HE ARGUED WITH THE RADIO, REALLY KNEW HOW TO STINK UP A CHAIR. SOUNDS LIKE AN OLD MAN. 581 01:01:54,724 --> 01:01:58,161 HE WAS. THEY ALL WERE, EACH ONE OLDER THAN THE LAST. 582 01:01:58,161 --> 01:02:03,800 WHEN I MEET A MAN WITH GLASSES APP PANTS UP TO HIS CHEST, I GO HEAD OVER HEELS. 583 01:02:03,800 --> 01:02:07,804 HOW IS IT THEY ALL END UP DEAD? BECAUSE THEY'RE OLD. 584 01:02:07,804 --> 01:02:15,111 THE AUTOPSY REPORT SAYS EVERY MAN YOU MARRY DIES AFTER NATURAL CAUSES. 585 01:02:15,111 --> 01:02:22,018 WHAT'S NATURAL ABOUT THAT? THE CAUSES. I LIKE THE WAY THEIR KISSES 586 01:02:22,018 --> 01:02:28,191 TASTE LIKE A COUGH, HOW THEY CAN'T FIND THEIR GLASSES, AND THE WAY THEY MAKE LOVE, OH, HOLD 587 01:02:28,191 --> 01:02:33,663 ON, OUCH, OUCH, SORRY. LET ME JUST DO YOU. I'M STARTING TO GET THE 588 01:02:33,663 --> 01:02:41,137 PICTURE. IS IT A CRIME TO WANT A MAN WHO BEGS ME TO DRIVE HIM TO 589 01:02:41,137 --> 01:02:45,775 CHURCH AND SLEEPS THE WHOLE TIME? IS A GUY WHO NEVER USES HIS TURN 590 01:02:45,775 --> 01:02:50,613 SIGNAL AND SCREAMS AT RACCOONS IN HIS YARD. LISTEN, YOU GOT A THING, I 591 01:02:50,613 --> 01:02:54,450 GET THAT. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY PEOPLE LIKE TO TELL EVERYBODY WHAT 592 01:02:54,450 --> 01:02:58,788 THEIR THING IS THESE DAYS. OH. GETTING ANGRY AT PEOPLE THESE 593 01:02:58,788 --> 01:03:06,195 DAYS, MR. RALLY? ARE YOU TRYING TO SEDUCE ME? I'M TOO YOUNG FOR YOU, LADY. 594 01:03:06,195 --> 01:03:10,733 I'M 33. I JUST LOOK OLDER BECAUSE I'M AN ALCOHOLIC. 595 01:03:10,733 --> 01:03:15,605 SO NOW MAYBE YOU CAN TELL ME WHAT YOUR THING IS. WHAT STARTS YOUR ENGINE, 596 01:03:15,605 --> 01:03:21,677 MR. RALLY? YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW? PANTY HOSE, JUST LADIES WITH 597 01:03:21,677 --> 01:03:24,747 NICE LEGS IN TIGHTS. BUT I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU, BABY. 598 01:03:24,747 --> 01:03:35,158 WHO THE HELL IS THIS? MOTHER! DARLING. 599 01:03:35,158 --> 01:03:42,965 WHO'S THIS LITTLE SNACK? YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM, MOTHER. DON'T BE CROSS WITH ME, 600 01:03:42,965 --> 01:03:47,703 DARLING. I CAN'T RESIST A MAN WITH A DEEP VOICE AND A BIG NOSE. 601 01:03:47,703 --> 01:03:53,176 OF COURSE A KNOCKOUT WALKS IN THE NIGHT BEFORE MY RHINO PLACETY. 602 01:03:53,176 --> 01:03:58,414 DON'T DO IT. I WANTED YOU TO GROW OLD WITH ME. 603 01:03:58,414 --> 01:04:05,922 SORE WE, SISTER, I LIKE THEM DESPERATE AND COOKY BECAUSE I KNOW THEY WON'T GIVE ME A HARD 604 01:04:05,922 --> 01:04:10,760 TIME ABOUT THE BOOZE. I'M GOING TO TAKE YOUR MOTHER OUT TO THE CLUB TO DO SOME 605 01:04:10,760 --> 01:04:13,296 STUPID DANCES. BUT FIRST, YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE ME THAT GUN. 606 01:04:13,296 --> 01:04:20,570 NO! THERE I WAS, DYING IN MY OFFICE, MURDERED FOR REASONS 607 01:04:20,570 --> 01:04:27,510 THAT WOULD THROW OLD SIGGY FROID FOR A LOOP. I GUESS YOU NEVER SOLVE YOUR 608 01:04:27,510 --> 01:04:31,848 LAST CASE. WHO WAS PAYING ME ANYWAY? WELL, TIME TO DIE, I GUESS. 609 01:04:31,848 --> 01:04:38,254 WELL, TIME TO DIE, I GUESS. THAT'S JUST HOW THINGS GO IN THE MIDTOWN EAST IN THE LOW 60s. 610 01:05:02,945 --> 01:05:16,726 MY MOTHER, THANK YOU AND HAVE A GOOD NIGHT! DREAMS REALLY DO COME TRUE!