1 00:00:02,585 --> 00:00:04,420 Oh, come on, bro. Being a black guy 2 00:00:04,712 --> 00:00:06,380 is way harder than being a gay dude. 3 00:00:06,672 --> 00:00:09,050 Last night, I tried to hail a cab in a $1,200 suit. 4 00:00:09,342 --> 00:00:10,718 Dude drove right past me 5 00:00:11,010 --> 00:00:13,304 and picked up a white guy in a "Who Farted" t-shirt. 6 00:00:13,596 --> 00:00:15,681 Boo-hoo. I can't get married, or into heaven. 7 00:00:15,973 --> 00:00:17,517 You don't wanna do either. 8 00:00:17,808 --> 00:00:20,228 Doesn't matter. Look, the president's black, right? 9 00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:22,104 Technically, he's more of a tie-dye. 10 00:00:22,396 --> 00:00:24,524 The point is he would never have gotten elected 11 00:00:24,815 --> 00:00:25,816 if he was riding in cars with boys. 12 00:00:26,108 --> 00:00:27,318 You guys are idiots. 13 00:00:27,610 --> 00:00:28,486 All I'm saying is you'd be surprised. 14 00:00:28,778 --> 00:00:30,446 Jane and I get dirty looks all the time. 15 00:00:30,738 --> 00:00:32,698 Upside is your kids are going to be super hot. 16 00:00:32,990 --> 00:00:34,700 I mean, half-black is God's Photoshop. 17 00:00:34,992 --> 00:00:37,370 Worst case, you're looking at the chick from Avatar. 18 00:00:37,662 --> 00:00:38,955 She's blue. No, the actress. 19 00:00:39,247 --> 00:00:41,415 I think she's Puerto Rican. She's Puerto Rican. 20 00:00:41,707 --> 00:00:44,585 Well, uh, that's the last of my stuff, so. 21 00:00:47,171 --> 00:00:49,215 So this is it. 22 00:00:49,507 --> 00:00:52,051 I think it was it when you ran out on your wedding. 23 00:00:52,343 --> 00:00:53,678 I can't do this. 24 00:00:54,804 --> 00:00:56,180 I'm coming. Okay. 25 00:00:58,849 --> 00:01:00,101 Kick-ass! 26 00:01:01,602 --> 00:01:03,980 Too soon? Yes. 27 00:01:05,731 --> 00:01:07,275 Yeah, so call me if I left anything... 28 00:01:07,567 --> 00:01:09,110 You're gonna be okay at Max's place? 29 00:01:09,402 --> 00:01:11,612 What? Max's place is awesome. 30 00:01:11,904 --> 00:01:13,489 You know what I love about your place? 31 00:01:13,781 --> 00:01:15,992 It has the look of a really scary place 32 00:01:16,284 --> 00:01:18,327 but the feel of a really, really scary place. 33 00:01:18,619 --> 00:01:20,162 Yeah. Love the exposed wires. 34 00:01:20,454 --> 00:01:22,915 Yup. Exposed wires are the new exposed brick. 35 00:01:23,207 --> 00:01:25,167 Pippen. Oh. Oh. 36 00:01:25,459 --> 00:01:26,794 All right, boys, I'm out. 37 00:01:27,086 --> 00:01:28,671 You're not gonna hang out with us? 38 00:01:28,963 --> 00:01:31,507 No can do. Got date night with the old ball and Jane. 39 00:01:31,799 --> 00:01:32,925 Gonna put on the sweats, 40 00:01:33,217 --> 00:01:34,760 eat a massive amount of Chinese food 41 00:01:35,052 --> 00:01:37,305 and watch The Bachelor. Oh, I just fell asleep. 42 00:01:37,597 --> 00:01:38,598 That sounded so horrible. 43 00:01:38,889 --> 00:01:40,433 Yeah, I hate relaxing in my sweet pad 44 00:01:40,725 --> 00:01:43,102 and having unprotected sex with my smoking hot wife. 45 00:01:43,394 --> 00:01:44,937 That's terrible. Ew. Right, guys? 46 00:01:45,229 --> 00:01:46,522 You two have fun, though, okay? 47 00:01:46,814 --> 00:01:48,149 By the way, that's bird poop. 48 00:01:48,441 --> 00:01:50,401 In your apartment. So there's a bird in here. 49 00:01:50,693 --> 00:01:52,403 Alive. Yeah. 50 00:01:52,695 --> 00:01:54,864 You know, The Bachelor's actually pretty legit. 51 00:01:55,156 --> 00:01:57,366 Alex got me into it. 52 00:01:57,658 --> 00:01:59,201 Oh, you know, those are the nights 53 00:01:59,493 --> 00:02:01,787 I'm gonna miss the most after eight years together, 54 00:02:02,079 --> 00:02:03,414 just me and her sitting around, 55 00:02:03,706 --> 00:02:05,958 doing nothing, giggling. 56 00:02:06,250 --> 00:02:07,501 Oh, God. 57 00:02:07,793 --> 00:02:10,338 Okay, look, if we're gonna live here together, 58 00:02:10,630 --> 00:02:12,590 you can't ever say stuff like that around me. 59 00:02:31,108 --> 00:02:33,903 I'm telling you guys, I love being on my own. 60 00:02:34,195 --> 00:02:36,197 I mean, I've been Alex and Dave for so long 61 00:02:36,489 --> 00:02:37,990 I forgot who Alex was, you know? 62 00:02:38,282 --> 00:02:39,533 I'm learning so much about her. 63 00:02:39,825 --> 00:02:41,744 Who is she? Alex likes sleeping diagonal 64 00:02:42,036 --> 00:02:43,579 and drinking white zinny from a mug. 65 00:02:43,871 --> 00:02:46,290 You're really eat, pray, loving your way through this 66 00:02:46,582 --> 00:02:48,459 and it's very admirable. I don't get it. 67 00:02:48,751 --> 00:02:50,294 I mean, what happened to you guys? 68 00:02:50,586 --> 00:02:52,963 This was taken five months ago. I wish I knew, Jane. 69 00:02:53,255 --> 00:02:54,924 I mean, all of a sudden a romantic night 70 00:02:55,216 --> 00:02:57,510 was watching TV in our sweatpants, 71 00:02:57,802 --> 00:03:00,471 eating Chinese food, not talking. 72 00:03:00,763 --> 00:03:01,847 So depressing. 73 00:03:02,139 --> 00:03:04,100 Like depressingly sweet? 74 00:03:04,392 --> 00:03:05,935 Because that sounds like a couple 75 00:03:06,227 --> 00:03:08,979 that loves each other so much they don't have to try anymore. 76 00:03:09,271 --> 00:03:10,773 But if you're not trying anymore, 77 00:03:11,065 --> 00:03:13,317 the relationship is dying. It's called love drift. 78 00:03:13,609 --> 00:03:15,528 Is that a thing? I heard it in a book I heard. 79 00:03:15,820 --> 00:03:18,030 What now? Love drift? Ha, ha. 80 00:03:18,322 --> 00:03:20,825 That just sounds... Ha, ha. Ahem. 81 00:03:21,117 --> 00:03:22,743 I have to go. What? 82 00:03:23,035 --> 00:03:25,329 No, wait, we're all hanging out. It's ladies' night. 83 00:03:25,621 --> 00:03:28,374 Come on. Let's all hang out together. 84 00:03:28,666 --> 00:03:30,209 Yeah, I'm sorry, Brad and I are having a date night, so. 85 00:03:31,252 --> 00:03:33,462 Sorry. Don't do this. 86 00:03:33,754 --> 00:03:35,214 I guess it's just you and me again. 87 00:03:36,257 --> 00:03:37,341 Yeah. 88 00:03:37,633 --> 00:03:39,552 But I have a great night planned for us. 89 00:03:39,844 --> 00:03:41,887 I bet you do. Since you and Dave broke up 90 00:03:42,179 --> 00:03:44,765 you've been planning so many amazing adventures lately. 91 00:03:45,057 --> 00:03:47,935 You made me go to prom. 92 00:03:48,227 --> 00:03:49,645 Are you happy now, Mom? 93 00:03:49,937 --> 00:03:52,648 Yes. Oh. 94 00:03:52,940 --> 00:03:54,859 Why don't we stay home, watch The Bachelor? 95 00:03:55,151 --> 00:03:56,610 I signed us up for a cooking class. 96 00:03:56,902 --> 00:03:58,195 Great. Cool. 97 00:03:58,487 --> 00:04:00,865 Two single ladies out on a Friday night 98 00:04:01,157 --> 00:04:03,033 just chopping stuff 99 00:04:03,325 --> 00:04:06,829 and cracking things, whisking. Yeah. 100 00:04:09,665 --> 00:04:11,417 Janey, I'm home. 101 00:04:11,709 --> 00:04:14,044 Janey, you parked weird again. 102 00:04:14,336 --> 00:04:15,880 Told you about texting and parking. 103 00:04:18,090 --> 00:04:19,925 Hey, babe, can you grab my weekend sweats? 104 00:04:20,217 --> 00:04:21,302 I didn't eat all day. 105 00:04:21,594 --> 00:04:23,012 Gotta get my egg roll on. 106 00:04:23,304 --> 00:04:24,430 You know how we do, Boo. 107 00:04:26,766 --> 00:04:28,476 Eat some egg rolls. 108 00:04:28,768 --> 00:04:31,020 Why aren't you in your pants? Let's go out. 109 00:04:31,312 --> 00:04:32,897 What? No. I worked 80 hours this week. 110 00:04:33,189 --> 00:04:36,484 Let's focus. Chinese food, Bachelor, sweatpants, go. 111 00:04:36,776 --> 00:04:38,444 Oh, whoa, wait, what are you doing? 112 00:04:38,736 --> 00:04:39,862 Living, okay? 113 00:04:40,154 --> 00:04:42,907 You focus. Slacks, fancy. Dinner, now. 114 00:04:43,199 --> 00:04:44,283 Hold on, wait, am I in trouble or something? 115 00:04:45,326 --> 00:04:47,453 Because looking at someone's search history 116 00:04:47,745 --> 00:04:50,206 isn't always a reliable indicator of their Web habits. 117 00:04:50,498 --> 00:04:52,166 I mean, a small typo on the word "canal" 118 00:04:52,458 --> 00:04:53,876 and you're in different sites. 119 00:04:54,168 --> 00:04:56,754 Same thing happened to me when I searched for black Crocs. 120 00:04:57,046 --> 00:04:58,506 I'm sorry? You're not in trouble. 121 00:04:58,798 --> 00:05:01,592 I just feel like we haven't been connecting lately. 122 00:05:01,884 --> 00:05:03,302 We connected twice this morning. 123 00:05:03,594 --> 00:05:05,137 I mean, what more do you want from me? 124 00:05:05,429 --> 00:05:06,806 I am just a human man. 125 00:05:07,097 --> 00:05:09,517 I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about sharing, 126 00:05:09,809 --> 00:05:11,519 about being spontaneous, romantic... 127 00:05:11,811 --> 00:05:14,396 Let's go to that place where we had our first date, okay? 128 00:05:14,688 --> 00:05:17,274 Okay. I'm so hungry. 129 00:05:20,277 --> 00:05:23,697 That'll be my room. This is your room. 130 00:05:23,989 --> 00:05:26,242 Playing pretty fast and loose with the term "room." 131 00:05:26,534 --> 00:05:27,868 Sheets. 132 00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:29,453 These are both fitted. 133 00:05:29,745 --> 00:05:31,455 Is this how it's gonna be the whole time? 134 00:05:31,747 --> 00:05:34,458 Sorry, I'm used to living with Alex. Had things a certain way. 135 00:05:34,750 --> 00:05:36,752 You have to stop focusing on the stuff you had, 136 00:05:37,044 --> 00:05:39,004 start focusing on all the new stuff you have. 137 00:05:39,296 --> 00:05:41,757 Those chairs are made out of barrels. 138 00:05:42,049 --> 00:05:44,218 Let's embrace change, grab some slices of pizza, 139 00:05:44,510 --> 00:05:45,803 down these M. Light Shyamalans 140 00:05:46,095 --> 00:05:48,347 and go out and celebrate your newfound singledom. 141 00:05:48,639 --> 00:05:51,642 You're right. You know what? You are right. 142 00:05:51,934 --> 00:05:53,686 I know, I know. I'm gonna go out tonight 143 00:05:53,978 --> 00:05:56,438 and I'm gonna get absolutely blackout drunk. 144 00:05:56,730 --> 00:05:58,232 Yes. Let's do it. 145 00:05:58,524 --> 00:06:00,901 Maybe I'll meet somebody. I could bring her back here, 146 00:06:01,193 --> 00:06:02,778 convince her to have sex with me, 147 00:06:03,070 --> 00:06:05,072 on this soiled futon while you sleep nearby. 148 00:06:05,364 --> 00:06:06,949 Sure. I mean, chicks love a chubby guy 149 00:06:07,241 --> 00:06:09,201 sleeping on the floor. Reminds them of prom. 150 00:06:09,493 --> 00:06:11,704 Couple months go by, surprise! Herpes! 151 00:06:11,996 --> 00:06:14,623 Surprise number two, she's preggos and loves cocaine. 152 00:06:14,915 --> 00:06:16,876 You're going to dark places, turn it around. 153 00:06:17,167 --> 00:06:18,711 No, we try to make it work for a while, 154 00:06:19,003 --> 00:06:20,170 but it's only a matter of time 155 00:06:20,462 --> 00:06:22,840 before she runs oft with a roadie from Pantera. 156 00:06:23,132 --> 00:06:24,633 Before you know it, I'm a single dad 157 00:06:24,925 --> 00:06:26,635 living in this torture porn warehouse 158 00:06:26,927 --> 00:06:28,721 with my cross-eyed baby, Mitchell. 159 00:06:30,514 --> 00:06:31,390 If we're gonna raise this baby together, 160 00:06:32,433 --> 00:06:34,476 I'm not in love with the name "Mitchell." 161 00:06:34,768 --> 00:06:36,854 Okay. I can work on that. 162 00:06:37,146 --> 00:06:39,148 People who care about food too much are weird. 163 00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:41,483 There's always some sexual connotation to it. 164 00:06:41,775 --> 00:06:44,445 I don't wanna hear about the mouth feel of your scallops. 165 00:06:44,737 --> 00:06:46,822 Come on, this is exciting. You and me, cooking. 166 00:06:49,116 --> 00:06:51,785 Namaste, bitches. 167 00:06:52,077 --> 00:06:55,623 Bam! My name, Chef Leslie LeFevre. 168 00:06:55,915 --> 00:06:57,791 We are gonna do some intense cooking today. 169 00:06:58,083 --> 00:06:59,335 I want you to be prepared. 170 00:06:59,627 --> 00:07:03,213 Let's kick up the tunes and prep our station. 171 00:07:03,505 --> 00:07:05,716 Wow. What a douche. 172 00:07:07,468 --> 00:07:09,511 Hey, I'm John. Hey, Penny. 173 00:07:09,803 --> 00:07:11,263 Listen, you seem great, 174 00:07:11,555 --> 00:07:14,183 but the fact that you come to a cooking class is strike one. 175 00:07:14,475 --> 00:07:16,644 My wife signed me up. Oh, strike two and three. 176 00:07:16,936 --> 00:07:18,687 Once we split up, she got the car, 177 00:07:18,979 --> 00:07:20,272 I got the cooking classes. 178 00:07:20,564 --> 00:07:22,274 It's too bad you have a terrible lawyer, 179 00:07:22,566 --> 00:07:23,943 because I love cars. 180 00:07:27,821 --> 00:07:29,990 Oh, man. You know what I love about Steven Seagal? 181 00:07:30,282 --> 00:07:31,951 Everything? 182 00:07:32,242 --> 00:07:35,371 No one would ever even think about rollerblading 183 00:07:35,663 --> 00:07:37,581 into his wedding and stealing his fiancée. 184 00:07:37,873 --> 00:07:40,000 No way. You rollerblade into Seagal's wedding, 185 00:07:40,292 --> 00:07:42,711 you're rollerblading out with your elbow in your ass. 186 00:07:43,003 --> 00:07:45,047 I totally should have broke that dude's wrist, 187 00:07:45,339 --> 00:07:46,757 right when he 'bladed in. Yeah. 188 00:07:47,049 --> 00:07:48,842 That's my problem, man. 189 00:07:49,134 --> 00:07:51,053 I've never been like Seagal. 190 00:07:51,345 --> 00:07:53,180 I've always been more like... Zach Braff. 191 00:07:53,472 --> 00:07:56,308 Exactly. You thinking what I'm thinking? 192 00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:58,435 Up in the Air was overrated? What? No. 193 00:07:58,727 --> 00:07:59,979 It was. Who's gonna believe 194 00:08:00,270 --> 00:08:02,106 that Clooney's gonna be alone at that age? 195 00:08:02,398 --> 00:08:06,068 But no, I'm saying we need to find the Rollerblade guy 196 00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:08,320 and kick his ass. 197 00:08:10,739 --> 00:08:12,449 Can I be real for a second? Please. 198 00:08:12,741 --> 00:08:14,827 That's the greatest idea you've had. 199 00:08:15,119 --> 00:08:16,286 Right? Yes. 200 00:08:16,578 --> 00:08:18,122 I'm sick of being Braff, bro. Yeah. 201 00:08:18,414 --> 00:08:20,708 You with me? Yes, I am. 202 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,627 God. I'm pumped up. 203 00:08:23,919 --> 00:08:26,255 There's a storm a' coming! Oh, yeah, there is! 204 00:08:26,547 --> 00:08:28,632 He can't handle the truth. No, he can't. 205 00:08:30,551 --> 00:08:32,302 But I do not know where he lives, 206 00:08:32,594 --> 00:08:35,014 or anything about him, 207 00:08:35,305 --> 00:08:37,725 and you should not be driving. 208 00:08:38,017 --> 00:08:39,810 I'm driving? 209 00:08:40,102 --> 00:08:41,895 I thought you were driving. 210 00:08:47,901 --> 00:08:49,528 So it's gonna be 45 to an hour. 211 00:08:50,571 --> 00:08:52,031 Okay, let's roll. 212 00:08:52,322 --> 00:08:53,866 No, but wait, this place is special. 213 00:08:54,158 --> 00:08:55,534 Let's talk. The time will fly by. 214 00:08:55,826 --> 00:08:57,327 Okay, fine. 215 00:08:57,619 --> 00:08:58,871 What's up? 216 00:08:59,163 --> 00:09:03,042 Well, why don't you tell me your deepest fear? 217 00:09:03,333 --> 00:09:05,085 While we wait for a table at a restaurant? 218 00:09:05,377 --> 00:09:06,670 Okay, I'll start. 219 00:09:06,962 --> 00:09:09,006 I guess my deepest fear is that you die first 220 00:09:09,298 --> 00:09:11,759 and our condo goes all Grey Gardens on me, 221 00:09:12,051 --> 00:09:13,594 and I spend the last decade of my life 222 00:09:13,886 --> 00:09:15,554 nursing a leg wound that won't heal 223 00:09:15,846 --> 00:09:18,098 and feeding stray cats from my mouth. 224 00:09:19,683 --> 00:09:20,851 Yeah. Your turn. 225 00:09:21,143 --> 00:09:24,980 Wow. Uh, all right, um, sharks. 226 00:09:25,272 --> 00:09:26,482 What? No, come on, seriously. 227 00:09:26,774 --> 00:09:29,985 Okay, fine, ghosts. Of sharks. 228 00:09:30,277 --> 00:09:32,071 Ghost sharks? Ghost sharks? Really? 229 00:09:32,362 --> 00:09:34,406 Yeah, it could happen. 230 00:09:34,698 --> 00:09:36,450 What do we know about this guy? 231 00:09:36,742 --> 00:09:38,786 First name's Bo. He's got a great physique. 232 00:09:39,078 --> 00:09:40,037 Loves to rollerblade. 233 00:09:40,329 --> 00:09:41,872 Chiseled features, kissable lips. 234 00:09:42,164 --> 00:09:43,999 Just like a handsome dude in a classic sense. 235 00:09:44,291 --> 00:09:45,334 Come on, that is not... 236 00:09:45,626 --> 00:09:47,461 That's not helping. Not helping you. 237 00:09:47,753 --> 00:09:50,130 It's helping my spank bank. Wait, wait. 238 00:09:50,422 --> 00:09:53,217 Alex said they flirted a little at work. 239 00:09:53,509 --> 00:09:54,802 I'll bet he did some work for her 240 00:09:55,094 --> 00:09:56,553 at her work, at her store. 241 00:09:56,845 --> 00:09:58,764 Yes, like modeling or something physical, 242 00:09:59,056 --> 00:10:00,224 like roofing 243 00:10:00,516 --> 00:10:03,936 or maybe carrying me across a river. 244 00:10:04,228 --> 00:10:07,481 Okay, so the secret to a good hollandaise is sensuality. 245 00:10:07,773 --> 00:10:08,982 Oh. Right. And cumin. 246 00:10:09,274 --> 00:10:11,235 I'm just gonna grab this right over here. 247 00:10:11,527 --> 00:10:12,486 Excuse me. Sorry. 248 00:10:12,778 --> 00:10:13,987 Okay. Let me just pinch it, 249 00:10:14,279 --> 00:10:16,115 and we put it right in with our forefingers 250 00:10:16,406 --> 00:10:19,034 and then we just put it right back over here. 251 00:10:19,326 --> 00:10:21,912 Okay, I like it right on the edge of the table. 252 00:10:22,204 --> 00:10:24,164 Salt. Ha, ha. How much salt... 253 00:10:24,456 --> 00:10:26,500 You've gotta grind it. Penny, you're right. 254 00:10:26,792 --> 00:10:27,918 This is lame, let's get out. 255 00:10:28,210 --> 00:10:29,670 What? No, I'm having fun. What? 256 00:10:29,962 --> 00:10:32,214 He is an architect named John. That is a top-two job 257 00:10:32,506 --> 00:10:34,174 and my third favorite name. 258 00:10:34,466 --> 00:10:37,177 What are the chances I'm gonna meet a point guard named Adam? 259 00:10:37,469 --> 00:10:39,012 Can I at least join you guys? Mm-mm. 260 00:10:39,304 --> 00:10:40,973 Listen, I'll be your wingman. No. 261 00:10:41,265 --> 00:10:42,975 No, you are the worst wingman ever. 262 00:10:43,267 --> 00:10:44,685 John, this is fun, right? 263 00:10:44,977 --> 00:10:46,979 To be honest, I usually never go out with Penny 264 00:10:47,271 --> 00:10:48,230 because all the cute guys 265 00:10:48,522 --> 00:10:50,107 always go home with her instead of me. 266 00:10:50,399 --> 00:10:51,650 I mean, not that she goes home with a lot of dudes. 267 00:10:52,693 --> 00:10:54,778 She's not slutty. She's not a prude, either. 268 00:10:55,070 --> 00:10:56,321 Okay. 269 00:10:56,613 --> 00:10:59,158 In conclusion, she has a very healthy sexual curiosity. 270 00:10:59,449 --> 00:11:00,450 What's wrong with you? 271 00:11:00,742 --> 00:11:02,494 So who turned you on to the class? 272 00:11:02,786 --> 00:11:04,496 Uh, my wife. Well, ex-wife. 273 00:11:04,788 --> 00:11:07,708 Wow. That's the first time I've said that, ex-wife. 274 00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:09,835 I'm so sorry. Did you just split? 275 00:11:10,127 --> 00:11:13,005 Like a long time ago? Well, it was like a month ago. 276 00:11:13,297 --> 00:11:15,591 This is the back door to Alex's store. 277 00:11:15,883 --> 00:11:19,261 Real quick, real simple, simple BandE. 278 00:11:19,553 --> 00:11:20,804 Whoa, man, what are you doing? 279 00:11:21,096 --> 00:11:22,389 What do you want me to do, knock? 280 00:11:22,681 --> 00:11:25,100 I got the keys, man. Well, then it's not a BandE. 281 00:11:25,392 --> 00:11:26,768 Your arm's not even gonna reach. 282 00:11:27,060 --> 00:11:28,187 Yes it is, I have huge arms. 283 00:11:28,478 --> 00:11:30,314 No, you don't. Especially the right one. 284 00:11:30,606 --> 00:11:32,149 You got T. rex arms. 285 00:11:35,110 --> 00:11:36,612 Dave? 286 00:11:36,904 --> 00:11:38,238 Yeah, I can't find anything. 287 00:11:38,530 --> 00:11:39,781 Are all the sizes on the floor, 288 00:11:40,073 --> 00:11:41,491 or does Alex have more in the back? 289 00:11:41,783 --> 00:11:43,285 Just go to the computer. 290 00:11:45,579 --> 00:11:48,957 Dude, check it out, Bo Bazinski. 291 00:11:49,249 --> 00:11:51,168 That's our man. Lake Shore Advertising. 292 00:11:51,460 --> 00:11:53,045 Get ready to French my mouth, 293 00:11:53,337 --> 00:11:54,755 his home address is on there. 294 00:11:55,047 --> 00:11:56,632 I didn't realize he lived on Western. 295 00:11:56,924 --> 00:11:58,342 I had a boyfriend who lived there. 296 00:11:58,634 --> 00:12:00,719 He's in a biker gang. 297 00:12:01,011 --> 00:12:03,138 You know, uh, we don't have to do this 298 00:12:03,430 --> 00:12:05,599 if you don't want to do it. 299 00:12:05,891 --> 00:12:08,518 Just tell me one thing. 300 00:12:08,810 --> 00:12:11,521 What would Seagal do in this situation? 301 00:12:11,813 --> 00:12:13,523 Well, I think it's pretty cut and dry. 302 00:12:13,815 --> 00:12:16,235 He'd fly over to Bo's house on an eagle, 303 00:12:16,526 --> 00:12:17,819 leap through the front window, 304 00:12:18,111 --> 00:12:20,113 tear his throat out, use it as a dream catcher, 305 00:12:20,405 --> 00:12:21,823 and then ride away on a polar bear. 306 00:12:22,115 --> 00:12:24,785 Just tell me one more thing. Do you want the truth? 307 00:12:25,077 --> 00:12:27,079 I want the truth. You can't handle the truth. 308 00:12:27,371 --> 00:12:30,707 Did you order the Code Red? You're damned right I did! 309 00:12:30,999 --> 00:12:32,751 Why is that something that you do? 310 00:12:33,043 --> 00:12:34,294 It just feels right. 311 00:12:34,586 --> 00:12:35,629 Let's go. 312 00:12:38,048 --> 00:12:39,549 Let's play a game. 313 00:12:39,841 --> 00:12:41,176 Where do you see us in five years? 314 00:12:41,468 --> 00:12:42,552 Is that a game? Mm-hm. 315 00:12:42,844 --> 00:12:44,972 Where's our food? Answer the question, babe. 316 00:12:45,264 --> 00:12:46,890 All right, five-year plan. 317 00:12:47,182 --> 00:12:50,269 Uh, let's see, nicer house, nicer car, kids, 318 00:12:50,560 --> 00:12:52,479 maybe a robot if that's an option by then. 319 00:12:52,771 --> 00:12:56,275 Okay, here we go. Oh, come on. 320 00:12:56,566 --> 00:12:58,277 They got here like 20 minutes after us. 321 00:12:58,568 --> 00:13:00,237 This is because we're black on blonde. 322 00:13:00,529 --> 00:13:02,030 You're not taking this seriously. 323 00:13:02,322 --> 00:13:04,157 Taking what seriously, huh? 324 00:13:04,449 --> 00:13:06,243 This ridiculous "Cosmo" quiz? 325 00:13:06,535 --> 00:13:09,288 I don't think it's ridiculous I want us to be together forever, 326 00:13:09,579 --> 00:13:10,747 get buried next to each other 327 00:13:11,039 --> 00:13:12,916 and maybe a tree will grow between our grave 328 00:13:13,208 --> 00:13:15,252 and two kids will have their first kiss under it. 329 00:13:15,544 --> 00:13:17,546 Does that sound ridiculous? Yeah, it does. 330 00:13:17,838 --> 00:13:18,797 Why are two kids kissing in a graveyard? 331 00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:21,633 Maybe they're really big Twilight fans 332 00:13:21,925 --> 00:13:24,303 or maybe they're just in love, Brad. 333 00:13:24,594 --> 00:13:25,721 No! 334 00:13:28,348 --> 00:13:30,100 My duck confit. 335 00:13:30,392 --> 00:13:33,854 We're sorry. We're so sorry. 336 00:13:35,689 --> 00:13:37,524 And you know what the worst part is? 337 00:13:37,816 --> 00:13:39,985 Not just losing this person you fell in love with, 338 00:13:40,277 --> 00:13:41,820 you're losing your best friend too. 339 00:13:42,112 --> 00:13:44,573 Totally. That has been the hardest part for me for sure. 340 00:13:44,865 --> 00:13:46,533 It's that person that you check in with 341 00:13:46,825 --> 00:13:47,909 at the end of every night. 342 00:13:48,201 --> 00:13:50,037 You know, sometimes God closes a door 343 00:13:50,329 --> 00:13:52,873 and then he opens up his heart. 344 00:13:53,165 --> 00:13:54,583 Maybe I should call her. Should I? 345 00:13:54,875 --> 00:13:57,127 I don't know. There's no rules in this situation. 346 00:13:57,419 --> 00:14:00,255 I'm sorry, I gotta go. 347 00:14:00,547 --> 00:14:01,673 I'm sorry. 348 00:14:01,965 --> 00:14:04,801 If you love her, you set her... Whatever. 349 00:14:05,093 --> 00:14:07,429 Ugh, way to go, Goose. 350 00:14:09,222 --> 00:14:12,726 You ready? Oh, yeah. 351 00:14:13,018 --> 00:14:15,437 Bo Bazinski, prepare to meet your maker. 352 00:14:15,729 --> 00:14:17,314 The river will run red with your blood 353 00:14:17,606 --> 00:14:21,401 and I will rip your spine out and use it as a loofah! 354 00:14:22,944 --> 00:14:24,780 Is Bo here? 355 00:14:26,865 --> 00:14:29,284 Bo hasn't had friends over in so long. 356 00:14:29,576 --> 00:14:30,619 Uh-huh. What do we do now? 357 00:14:30,911 --> 00:14:32,329 How do we do this with his mom here? 358 00:14:32,621 --> 00:14:34,414 Doesn't matter. She better get on board. 359 00:14:34,706 --> 00:14:36,875 My vengeance knows no age. Here we are. Have fun. 360 00:14:37,167 --> 00:14:39,795 Thanks, Mrs. B. Great meeting you. 361 00:14:40,087 --> 00:14:42,214 Bye. 362 00:14:42,506 --> 00:14:44,883 I can do this, right? Yes, of course. 363 00:14:45,175 --> 00:14:46,885 Now get in there, and let's finish this. 364 00:14:47,177 --> 00:14:48,470 Sweet line, dude. If it works. 365 00:14:48,762 --> 00:14:49,805 Let's do this! 366 00:14:50,097 --> 00:14:52,516 You can't handle the truth... 367 00:14:52,808 --> 00:14:54,601 Bo? Do I know you guys? 368 00:14:54,893 --> 00:14:56,144 You don't remember me, huh? 369 00:14:56,436 --> 00:14:57,938 Are we Facebook friends? 370 00:14:58,230 --> 00:15:00,524 Oh, man, if by "Facebook" you mean his wedding 371 00:15:00,816 --> 00:15:03,485 and by "friends" you mean no, the opposite of that word. 372 00:15:03,777 --> 00:15:06,446 Oh, good God, it's you, bro. That's right, bro. 373 00:15:06,738 --> 00:15:09,825 I have wanted to talk to you for such a long time. 374 00:15:10,117 --> 00:15:13,870 I did a terrible thing to you, and I am so, so sorry. 375 00:15:16,623 --> 00:15:18,375 Uh, I wasn't expecting that. 376 00:15:18,667 --> 00:15:20,001 No. 377 00:15:20,293 --> 00:15:22,963 Oh, that looks great. I'm just gonna grab this baster. 378 00:15:28,510 --> 00:15:31,138 Come on, he was clearly not over his wife. 379 00:15:31,430 --> 00:15:33,014 You deserve so much better than that. 380 00:15:33,306 --> 00:15:34,850 Tonight wasn't about meeting guys, 381 00:15:35,142 --> 00:15:36,768 it was ladies' night, right? 382 00:15:37,060 --> 00:15:39,771 Hey, Meredith Vieira, how many ladies' nights can you have? 383 00:15:40,063 --> 00:15:42,691 In the last week, you have dragged me to karate Pilates, 384 00:15:42,983 --> 00:15:44,568 you made me test drive a Yaris 385 00:15:44,860 --> 00:15:47,446 and talked me into seeing a children's production of Hair 386 00:15:47,737 --> 00:15:50,157 which thankfully got shut down before the second act. 387 00:15:50,449 --> 00:15:52,951 The tour of Andrew Lloyd Webber's house. You loved that. 388 00:15:53,243 --> 00:15:54,911 It was a Frank Lloyd Wright house, 389 00:15:55,203 --> 00:15:57,664 and no, I didn't love it because you kept asking the guide 390 00:15:57,956 --> 00:15:59,833 which room he wrote Phantom of the Opera in. 391 00:16:00,125 --> 00:16:01,418 He wouldn't give me an answer. 392 00:16:01,710 --> 00:16:04,045 This is so not about you wanting to hang out with me. 393 00:16:04,337 --> 00:16:06,506 This is about you not being able to handle the fact 394 00:16:06,798 --> 00:16:09,259 that you're alone since your breakup, and that's fine, 395 00:16:09,551 --> 00:16:12,387 but please admit it and stop dragging me on these activities. 396 00:16:12,679 --> 00:16:16,099 We should have just stayed home and watched The Bachelor. 397 00:16:16,391 --> 00:16:18,643 And to put the baster back... Get out of here. 398 00:16:30,614 --> 00:16:33,825 Look, you say you wanna talk, talk to me. 399 00:16:34,117 --> 00:16:35,118 What's going on? 400 00:16:35,410 --> 00:16:36,703 I just... 401 00:16:36,995 --> 00:16:38,955 I don't wanna end up like Alex and Dave, okay, 402 00:16:39,247 --> 00:16:40,624 and take each other for granted. 403 00:16:40,916 --> 00:16:43,793 Oh, babe, come here. 404 00:16:44,085 --> 00:16:45,337 Alex and Dave's problems 405 00:16:45,629 --> 00:16:48,798 had nothing to do with staying in or going out. 406 00:16:49,090 --> 00:16:52,761 It's not about where you are, it's who you're with. 407 00:16:53,053 --> 00:16:55,472 We're good, right? 408 00:16:55,764 --> 00:16:59,309 I mean, starving, but good. 409 00:16:59,601 --> 00:17:01,353 I love everything about you, 410 00:17:01,645 --> 00:17:04,022 even that scary little face you make when you sneeze. 411 00:17:04,314 --> 00:17:06,107 I do not make a scary face when I sneeze. 412 00:17:06,399 --> 00:17:07,526 You're the only person I know 413 00:17:07,817 --> 00:17:09,236 who sneezes with their eyes open. 414 00:17:09,528 --> 00:17:11,488 You're like, "Achoo. Achoo." 415 00:17:11,780 --> 00:17:15,158 Look, we're not Dave and Alex. 416 00:17:15,450 --> 00:17:17,077 We're Brane and Jad. 417 00:17:17,369 --> 00:17:19,746 Okay, we need to get food in you right now. 418 00:17:20,038 --> 00:17:21,790 Or Jad and Brane. Okay. 419 00:17:22,082 --> 00:17:25,210 I thought Alex was the love of my life, bro. 420 00:17:25,502 --> 00:17:27,963 Turns out she thought I was just that guy who helped her 421 00:17:28,255 --> 00:17:30,966 with her direct-mail campaign to local businesses. 422 00:17:31,258 --> 00:17:32,050 I don't know, man, 423 00:17:33,093 --> 00:17:34,678 I just feel like I lost everything. 424 00:17:34,970 --> 00:17:37,305 I know the feeling, bro. Will you stick to the plan? 425 00:17:37,597 --> 00:17:41,393 But Alex made her choice, you know? 426 00:17:41,685 --> 00:17:43,812 You gotta move on. 427 00:17:44,104 --> 00:17:45,063 We both do. 428 00:17:46,106 --> 00:17:49,359 A wise man once told me, "You can't focus 429 00:17:49,651 --> 00:17:51,278 "on all the stuft that you had. 430 00:17:51,570 --> 00:17:55,407 You gotta focus on all the cool new stuff that you have." 431 00:17:55,699 --> 00:17:56,825 You're right. 432 00:17:57,117 --> 00:17:58,618 I guess it's because my dad left us 433 00:17:58,910 --> 00:18:00,036 when I was really young. 434 00:18:00,328 --> 00:18:02,038 I've always been searching for love to, 435 00:18:02,330 --> 00:18:03,707 like, fill that dark void that... 436 00:18:06,126 --> 00:18:08,795 Did you just hi-yucka me? Oh. 437 00:18:09,087 --> 00:18:10,797 Dude, hi-yucka? 438 00:18:11,089 --> 00:18:12,299 You can be Braff all you want, 439 00:18:12,591 --> 00:18:14,009 but I'm Seagal all the time, baby. 440 00:18:14,301 --> 00:18:15,552 Have you seen Seagal recently? 441 00:18:15,844 --> 00:18:17,012 He looks like Mario Batali. 442 00:18:17,304 --> 00:18:18,388 I hurt my wrist so bad. 443 00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:20,432 Come on, Max. I'm gonna throw up. 444 00:18:20,724 --> 00:18:21,683 I'm gonna puke. 445 00:18:21,975 --> 00:18:23,476 Get yourself together, would you? 446 00:18:23,768 --> 00:18:25,103 You didn't even hit the guy. 447 00:18:29,774 --> 00:18:32,027 - Hey, man. Hey, hey! - Abort! 448 00:18:32,319 --> 00:18:34,195 I'm really sorry. I'm sorry. 449 00:18:35,864 --> 00:18:37,616 My... My... Ah! 450 00:18:39,492 --> 00:18:41,661 Hey. 451 00:18:41,953 --> 00:18:45,957 Listen, I'm sorry about what I said. 452 00:18:46,249 --> 00:18:48,376 I didn't mean it. Yes, you did. 453 00:18:48,668 --> 00:18:50,003 But you were right. I was? 454 00:18:50,295 --> 00:18:52,297 Yeah. I mean, I've been dragging you around, 455 00:18:52,589 --> 00:18:54,299 treating you like my replacement Dave. 456 00:18:54,591 --> 00:18:56,343 But I haven't been alone in like 10 years, 457 00:18:56,635 --> 00:18:57,886 and I'm freaking out. 458 00:18:58,178 --> 00:19:00,055 Come on, Al. Okay, you're not alone. 459 00:19:00,347 --> 00:19:02,140 Okay? You have all of us. 460 00:19:02,432 --> 00:19:05,143 It's just you really gotta edit your activity choices. 461 00:19:05,435 --> 00:19:06,394 You're right. 462 00:19:06,686 --> 00:19:09,147 Okay? Okay. 463 00:19:09,439 --> 00:19:11,524 Although in fairness, 464 00:19:11,816 --> 00:19:14,361 that Yaris was a lot of car for the price. 465 00:19:16,738 --> 00:19:19,449 Good friends are really hard to find. 466 00:19:19,741 --> 00:19:21,159 They gotta be there for you, even when you're wrong. 467 00:19:22,202 --> 00:19:23,745 But at the same time, 468 00:19:24,037 --> 00:19:25,997 they can't just tell you what you wanna hear. 469 00:19:26,289 --> 00:19:27,832 They've gotta be willing to tell you 470 00:19:28,124 --> 00:19:29,751 what you need to hear. 471 00:19:30,043 --> 00:19:32,837 That's the real reason true love's so hard to find, 472 00:19:33,129 --> 00:19:35,173 because the basis of love is friendship, 473 00:19:36,216 --> 00:19:39,052 and friendship is really, really rare. 474 00:19:41,930 --> 00:19:43,598 That's why I'm giving my second rose 475 00:19:43,890 --> 00:19:45,475 to my best friend on the show so far. 476 00:19:45,767 --> 00:19:48,228 Krista G., will you accept this rose? 477 00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:51,564 When I'm with you, babe, it doesn't matter where we are. 478 00:19:53,858 --> 00:19:54,818 Rough night? 479 00:19:55,110 --> 00:19:57,987 No. No, it was all right. 480 00:19:58,279 --> 00:20:00,198 You? Yeah, it was all right. 481 00:20:00,490 --> 00:20:02,617 There was this really funny chef, ha, ha. 482 00:20:02,909 --> 00:20:04,327 Hey. Zip it. I mean, 483 00:20:04,619 --> 00:20:07,997 Tanya B.'s getting hosed out of a rose over here. 484 00:20:08,289 --> 00:20:10,208 Wow. I'm invested. 485 00:20:11,251 --> 00:20:14,129 I hope you realize that Tanya B. Was not even there for him. 486 00:20:14,421 --> 00:20:16,715 She went to the fantasy suite. To have sex with him. 487 00:20:17,006 --> 00:20:17,966 To make love. 488 00:20:18,258 --> 00:20:19,968 It's different. 489 00:20:20,260 --> 00:20:22,470 Ugh. 490 00:20:22,762 --> 00:20:24,222 Don't let me fall asleep tonight. 491 00:20:24,514 --> 00:20:26,182 I think I have a concussion. 492 00:20:30,353 --> 00:20:33,273 Now, the perp came in through the back, but he had a key, 493 00:20:33,565 --> 00:20:35,275 so it is definitely an inside job. 494 00:20:35,567 --> 00:20:37,193 Probably someone you know. 495 00:20:37,485 --> 00:20:40,029 So, Alex, I've just got one question for you. 496 00:20:40,321 --> 00:20:42,741 How well do you know, uh, 497 00:20:43,032 --> 00:20:44,492 this guy? 498 00:20:44,784 --> 00:20:46,244 Yes! Ha, ha. 499 00:20:46,536 --> 00:20:47,579 I told you, bro. 500 00:20:47,871 --> 00:20:49,914 It's way harder to be a black dude. 501 00:20:50,206 --> 00:20:52,250 Uh, in your face. Being a gay dude's easy. 502 00:20:53,793 --> 00:20:54,919 Smell that? 503 00:20:55,211 --> 00:20:57,797 Ah, racism.