1 00:00:04,482 --> 00:00:04,700 . 2 00:00:04,743 --> 00:00:06,397 - Bags open, IDs out! 3 00:00:06,441 --> 00:00:08,443 - Asian men are having a moment. 4 00:00:08,486 --> 00:00:12,055 "Parasite," K-pop, Bruno Mars, maybe. 5 00:00:12,099 --> 00:00:13,665 It's time for yours, Tommy. 6 00:00:13,709 --> 00:00:15,189 - Bags open, IDs out! 7 00:00:18,801 --> 00:00:19,889 - Am I being carded? 8 00:00:19,932 --> 00:00:20,977 [scanner beeps] 9 00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:23,240 - Keep the line moving, please. 10 00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:28,071 - Are you wearing "White Nirvana" by the Olsen twins? 11 00:00:28,115 --> 00:00:29,420 [scanner beeps] - Next! 12 00:00:29,464 --> 00:00:30,682 - Were you a C-section birth? 13 00:00:30,726 --> 00:00:32,162 'Cause your head shape is, like, perfect. 14 00:00:32,206 --> 00:00:34,121 - Next! [scanner beeps] 15 00:00:35,774 --> 00:00:38,212 - I see you, son. - No thank you, Bernard. 16 00:00:38,255 --> 00:00:41,215 [upbeat music] 17 00:00:41,258 --> 00:00:47,351 ♪ 18 00:00:50,398 --> 00:00:51,399 - How do you even know Nestor's gay? 19 00:00:51,442 --> 00:00:53,140 It's impossible to tell in LA. 20 00:00:53,183 --> 00:00:54,445 - His eyebrows are threaded, and he smells 21 00:00:54,489 --> 00:00:56,360 like sugar-free Red Bull and fog machines. 22 00:00:56,404 --> 00:00:58,188 But he just checks my ID and says nothing. 23 00:00:58,232 --> 00:00:59,668 I can't even get him to look at me. 24 00:00:59,711 --> 00:01:01,887 - Well, here's your problem. This picture is awful. 25 00:01:01,931 --> 00:01:03,193 Are you missing a tooth? 26 00:01:03,237 --> 00:01:04,760 - It's a blueberry skin, 27 00:01:04,803 --> 00:01:06,936 and those hives on my neck are from my blueberry allergy. 28 00:01:06,979 --> 00:01:08,590 - Morning team, how is everyone? 29 00:01:08,633 --> 00:01:10,635 - Well, turns out my dad's calcium deposit 30 00:01:10,679 --> 00:01:11,897 was not calcium. 31 00:01:11,941 --> 00:01:13,725 - Rhetorical, Jayden. - Good morning, sir! 32 00:01:13,769 --> 00:01:15,727 To save paper, the printout in front of you lists 33 00:01:15,771 --> 00:01:18,078 the parts of LA that are currently not on fire. 34 00:01:18,121 --> 00:01:19,383 - Oh, smart! 35 00:01:19,427 --> 00:01:21,037 - Now, this morning you're heading to Venice 36 00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:23,692 for the rollout of our free helmet sharing program 37 00:01:23,735 --> 00:01:25,128 for electric scooters. 38 00:01:25,172 --> 00:01:26,173 [applause] 39 00:01:26,216 --> 00:01:27,696 - Well, protecting humans 40 00:01:27,739 --> 00:01:29,741 would not have been my choice, sir. 41 00:01:29,785 --> 00:01:31,917 Not when the number one cause of wildlife death 42 00:01:31,961 --> 00:01:35,182 is heart attacks from humans posing for pictures with them. 43 00:01:35,225 --> 00:01:37,009 - I don't think that's true, Arpi. 44 00:01:37,053 --> 00:01:38,141 - It feels true, sir. 45 00:01:38,185 --> 00:01:39,273 - Moving on. 46 00:01:39,316 --> 00:01:42,145 The Dodgers have invited the Mayor 47 00:01:42,189 --> 00:01:44,147 to throw out the first pitch tomorrow. 48 00:01:44,191 --> 00:01:45,975 - Oh! That sounds like a hoot! 49 00:01:46,018 --> 00:01:47,629 - A hoot indeed, sir. 50 00:01:47,672 --> 00:01:49,674 But I'd strongly suggest you decline. 51 00:01:49,718 --> 00:01:51,154 - Are you crazy? What, you don't want to see 52 00:01:51,198 --> 00:01:53,156 this guy in baseball pants eating a hot dog? 53 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:54,897 - Yeah, the Mayor can't say no to baseball. 54 00:01:54,940 --> 00:01:56,246 It's America's pastime. 55 00:01:56,290 --> 00:01:57,508 - But there's zero upside to this. 56 00:01:57,552 --> 00:01:59,249 Throwing a first pitch is like being a mom. 57 00:01:59,293 --> 00:02:01,469 If you do a good job, no one notices or cares. 58 00:02:01,512 --> 00:02:03,166 - Well, that is true. You only hear 59 00:02:03,210 --> 00:02:05,168 about first pitches when they go really bad. 60 00:02:05,212 --> 00:02:08,215 And then you're like, "Oh, no, is 50 Cent gonna die soon?" 61 00:02:08,258 --> 00:02:09,912 - Okay, I see what's going on here. 62 00:02:09,955 --> 00:02:12,262 You all think I'm too old. - That's not true, sir. 63 00:02:12,306 --> 00:02:14,264 If you were a baby, I'd say the same thing. 64 00:02:14,308 --> 00:02:17,789 - You tell the Dodgers I'll be there. 65 00:02:17,833 --> 00:02:20,879 - Sir, we still have, like, 20 more items to go over. 66 00:02:20,923 --> 00:02:23,969 - I know. Morning! 67 00:02:24,013 --> 00:02:27,147 Thank you all for coming out to help us kick off "SafeLA." 68 00:02:27,190 --> 00:02:31,673 Now, I know a bunch of you independent thinkers wouldn't-- 69 00:02:31,716 --> 00:02:34,371 [laughs] Wouldn't even wear masks. 70 00:02:34,415 --> 00:02:36,982 But what about helmets? It's simple. 71 00:02:37,026 --> 00:02:41,726 Download our free helmet sharing app, "SafeLA." 72 00:02:41,770 --> 00:02:45,208 Use the map feature to locate a helmet. 73 00:02:45,252 --> 00:02:50,518 Now you're ready to enter the unique 14-digit code 74 00:02:50,561 --> 00:02:53,608 that releases the helmet's security cover. 75 00:02:53,651 --> 00:02:56,611 You then have 20 seconds to--are you kidding me? 76 00:02:56,654 --> 00:02:58,482 Couldn't we just put them in a bin or something? 77 00:02:58,526 --> 00:03:00,223 - [laughs] I don't know. - Okay, all right. 78 00:03:00,267 --> 00:03:04,706 Anyway, "SafeLA, keeping LA safe." 79 00:03:04,749 --> 00:03:06,795 - Mr. Mayor, can we get a picture on the scooter? 80 00:03:06,838 --> 00:03:08,144 - You know what? I'm having too good a hair day. 81 00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:09,537 I'm going to have my comms director 82 00:03:09,580 --> 00:03:11,756 Jayden Kwapis model it for me. 83 00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:13,541 Hey-o! 84 00:03:13,584 --> 00:03:16,457 - Wow! What a throw, sir! 85 00:03:16,500 --> 00:03:19,286 - Yeah, well, there'll be plenty more of that tomorrow 86 00:03:19,329 --> 00:03:21,288 at Dodger Stadium. - You mean throwing? 87 00:03:21,331 --> 00:03:22,811 Yeah, it's a professional baseball game. 88 00:03:22,854 --> 00:03:24,073 It's what they do. 89 00:03:24,116 --> 00:03:26,380 - No, there'll be plenty more of me throwing. 90 00:03:26,423 --> 00:03:28,686 I'm throwing out the first pitch tomorrow. 91 00:03:28,730 --> 00:03:30,993 - And it'll be so good, he's gonna get hired. 92 00:03:31,036 --> 00:03:33,909 And then he'll be the first mayor baseball man! 93 00:03:33,952 --> 00:03:36,041 [laughs] Blastoff! 94 00:03:36,085 --> 00:03:39,958 [laughing] 95 00:03:40,002 --> 00:03:41,699 I don't know how to do brakes! 96 00:03:41,743 --> 00:03:46,269 Remember me! My legacy is my kindness! 97 00:03:46,313 --> 00:03:49,098 - Hello, good morning. 98 00:03:49,141 --> 00:03:51,231 I need a new ID photo, please. 99 00:03:51,274 --> 00:03:53,450 - Sorry, no retakes. Next! 100 00:03:53,494 --> 00:03:56,236 - I love rules. No rules is chaos. 101 00:03:56,279 --> 00:03:57,933 That's why I hate Outback Steakhouse. 102 00:03:57,976 --> 00:03:59,717 But this is an emergency. 103 00:03:59,761 --> 00:04:02,720 - 61,000 people work for the city of Los Angeles. 104 00:04:02,764 --> 00:04:04,635 Most of them hate their ID photo. 105 00:04:04,679 --> 00:04:07,159 If I let you retake yours, the floodgates open, 106 00:04:07,203 --> 00:04:10,511 the system's overwhelmed, the city grinds to a halt, 107 00:04:10,554 --> 00:04:12,382 and I'd have to work till 6:00. 108 00:04:12,426 --> 00:04:15,037 - Look, I get it. 109 00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:17,169 Daniela. Beautiful name. 110 00:04:17,213 --> 00:04:18,301 Does it come from a romance novel 111 00:04:18,345 --> 00:04:19,868 by the register at a grocery store? 112 00:04:19,911 --> 00:04:21,435 - Read the sign, sir. 113 00:04:23,001 --> 00:04:26,309 - "Talk to the rosé"? What does that even mean? 114 00:04:26,353 --> 00:04:28,790 - "No retakes. Stop asking." 115 00:04:28,833 --> 00:04:30,966 Next! 116 00:04:32,315 --> 00:04:34,361 [phone rings] 117 00:04:34,404 --> 00:04:35,971 - Jayden Kwapis, if I sound out of breath 118 00:04:36,014 --> 00:04:37,581 it's because I have a treadmill desk. 119 00:04:37,625 --> 00:04:38,713 - Hi, this is Emily Biyata. 120 00:04:38,756 --> 00:04:39,844 I'm calling from the Dodgers 121 00:04:39,888 --> 00:04:41,281 to coordinate the Mayor's visit. 122 00:04:41,324 --> 00:04:42,673 - Oh, great! So for the green room, 123 00:04:42,717 --> 00:04:44,240 what are we thinking platter-wise? 124 00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:46,286 Shrimp and ham, or? 125 00:04:46,329 --> 00:04:47,852 - [laughs] Look, Jayden. 126 00:04:47,896 --> 00:04:51,508 I'm in PR so, obviously, I Googled you. 127 00:04:51,552 --> 00:04:53,902 - Yes, I'm garbage disposal ponytail guy. 128 00:04:53,945 --> 00:04:56,034 So what, okay? We've all moved on. 129 00:04:56,078 --> 00:04:58,863 - No, I mean the scooter event. You look good in a bike helmet. 130 00:04:58,907 --> 00:04:59,995 - Me? Good? 131 00:05:00,038 --> 00:05:02,650 [laughs] 132 00:05:02,693 --> 00:05:06,567 Sorry, I'm laughing because someone is tickling me. 133 00:05:06,610 --> 00:05:08,656 Dad, stop it! I'm your son! 134 00:05:08,699 --> 00:05:10,658 - I hope you're coming to the game. 135 00:05:10,701 --> 00:05:12,877 I'd love to meet you in person. 136 00:05:12,921 --> 00:05:15,967 - [quietly] I'd... like that. 137 00:05:16,011 --> 00:05:19,449 Sorry, excuse me. My dad's strangling me now. 138 00:05:19,493 --> 00:05:20,972 Dad, this is a workplace! 139 00:05:22,452 --> 00:05:22,844 . 140 00:05:22,887 --> 00:05:24,541 - Hey, you need to get me a new ID. 141 00:05:24,585 --> 00:05:25,412 - What, because of Nestor? 142 00:05:25,455 --> 00:05:26,630 He has weird ears 143 00:05:26,674 --> 00:05:28,415 and he's always, like, looking in my bag. 144 00:05:28,458 --> 00:05:29,764 - He's a security guard. 145 00:05:29,807 --> 00:05:31,592 Look, Mikaela, you and I basically live at work, 146 00:05:31,635 --> 00:05:34,072 so I did the math--which only I can say 'cause racism, 147 00:05:34,116 --> 00:05:36,292 and time is not on our side. 148 00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:38,425 Especially for one of us, who's much older than me. 149 00:05:38,468 --> 00:05:39,861 - By seven months. 150 00:05:39,904 --> 00:05:42,298 - Statistically, we should be married by age 29.5 151 00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:44,735 and I'll need at least a year for my mom to lose the weight. 152 00:05:44,779 --> 00:05:46,433 - What you saying, Tommy? 153 00:05:46,476 --> 00:05:48,913 - We are going to meet our spouses in this building. 154 00:05:48,957 --> 00:05:50,611 - No! Here? 155 00:05:50,654 --> 00:05:51,960 [gasps] 156 00:05:52,003 --> 00:05:55,442 [suspenseful music] 157 00:05:55,485 --> 00:05:56,921 - [kissing noises] 158 00:05:56,965 --> 00:05:58,923 - The pool is too small. 159 00:05:58,967 --> 00:06:01,012 I don't want to be a stepmom to a possum. 160 00:06:01,056 --> 00:06:03,450 - It's a sugar glider, idiot. 161 00:06:03,493 --> 00:06:05,321 - How are we supposed to meet anyone here? 162 00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:07,758 - Ugh, I remember being single. 163 00:06:07,802 --> 00:06:10,021 Bread always going bad before you could finish it. 164 00:06:10,065 --> 00:06:11,849 Waking up every day with only one side 165 00:06:11,893 --> 00:06:13,851 of the bed covered in sweat. 166 00:06:13,895 --> 00:06:15,984 But, now I have Emily. 167 00:06:16,027 --> 00:06:19,422 She works for the Dodgers, and her hair sounds red. 168 00:06:19,466 --> 00:06:21,642 - Jayden can't find love before us. 169 00:06:21,685 --> 00:06:24,471 Did you buy a monkey's paw? What is happening? 170 00:06:24,514 --> 00:06:26,951 Come on, you need a new picture and I am gonna 171 00:06:26,995 --> 00:06:29,476 beat this building till the candy comes out. 172 00:06:29,519 --> 00:06:32,435 - Over lunch, I was watching some old Nolan Ryan videos 173 00:06:32,479 --> 00:06:35,220 and a Shonda Rhimes master class on pitching. 174 00:06:35,264 --> 00:06:37,309 It wasn't what I thought it was, but... 175 00:06:37,353 --> 00:06:39,834 did you know she wanted "Grey's Anatomy" 176 00:06:39,877 --> 00:06:41,226 to be called "Surgeons"? 177 00:06:41,270 --> 00:06:42,793 That wouldn't have worked, Jayden! 178 00:06:42,837 --> 00:06:44,534 - 12 seasons, tops! - [laughs] 179 00:06:44,578 --> 00:06:45,927 Anyway, so for tomorrow 180 00:06:45,970 --> 00:06:47,885 I'm thinking a fastball, right over the old middle. 181 00:06:47,929 --> 00:06:51,411 - Okay, I've got your next public safety initiative, sir. 182 00:06:51,454 --> 00:06:54,152 Do you know how many area scuba divers 183 00:06:54,196 --> 00:06:56,807 get accidentally scooped up and dumped on wildfires? 184 00:06:56,851 --> 00:07:00,507 No one does, because "Big Scuba" is covering it up. 185 00:07:00,550 --> 00:07:02,944 - Arpi, can this wait until later? 186 00:07:02,987 --> 00:07:04,380 I'm in the middle of something here. 187 00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:07,514 - Oh, you're practicing your pitch? 188 00:07:07,557 --> 00:07:10,038 Good idea. I'll leave you to it. 189 00:07:10,081 --> 00:07:12,475 - Whoa, whoa, wait, wait. Hold on a second. 190 00:07:12,519 --> 00:07:14,608 I know how much you love to see me fail, 191 00:07:14,651 --> 00:07:16,044 so I'm a little suspicious 192 00:07:16,087 --> 00:07:19,090 whenever you say something I'm doing is a good idea. 193 00:07:19,134 --> 00:07:20,614 - Fair enough. This is not a good idea. 194 00:07:20,657 --> 00:07:21,963 You're gonna hurt yourself. 195 00:07:22,006 --> 00:07:23,660 - I am not. I'm an athlete. 196 00:07:23,704 --> 00:07:25,445 I ran the LA Marathon 197 00:07:25,488 --> 00:07:28,230 with no bleeding or bathroom emergencies. 198 00:07:28,273 --> 00:07:30,058 - You know when I run, my heart screams. 199 00:07:30,101 --> 00:07:31,886 - And when was that? - I'll never forget. 200 00:07:31,929 --> 00:07:35,455 The celebrity starter was the "Where's the Beef?" lady. 201 00:07:35,498 --> 00:07:36,978 - Wow. 202 00:07:37,021 --> 00:07:39,894 - Okay, yeah, that was, what, 1985? 203 00:07:39,937 --> 00:07:43,201 I'll be fine by tomorrow. I've got 24 hours to work out. 204 00:07:43,245 --> 00:07:45,377 I'll do some long toss, 205 00:07:45,421 --> 00:07:48,163 some kettlebells, that thing with the tire. 206 00:07:48,206 --> 00:07:49,643 - You're delusional, sir. 207 00:07:49,686 --> 00:07:52,646 For the over-60 body, there is no working out. 208 00:07:52,689 --> 00:07:54,256 There is only preservation. 209 00:07:54,299 --> 00:07:57,477 Eating antioxidant-rich Himalayan nut butters, 210 00:07:57,520 --> 00:08:01,132 soaking in a cold pool at your local Y-They-CA, 211 00:08:01,176 --> 00:08:05,136 taking NCIS-brand glucosamine gummies. 212 00:08:06,747 --> 00:08:09,271 - How are you supposed to tell it's shaped like Mark Harmon? 213 00:08:09,314 --> 00:08:10,751 He's not specific enough. 214 00:08:10,794 --> 00:08:13,014 - Would you care to know how I recently danced all night 215 00:08:13,057 --> 00:08:14,537 at my nephew Telvin's wedding 216 00:08:14,581 --> 00:08:17,061 to his girlfriend Lisa and her partner Tawny? 217 00:08:17,105 --> 00:08:18,454 - How, Arpi? 218 00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:21,152 - By not even standing up the whole week prior. 219 00:08:21,196 --> 00:08:24,460 I was either in my bed, pow... or a cold bath. 220 00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:25,722 - And if you didn't stand up, 221 00:08:25,766 --> 00:08:27,855 how'd you get from the bed to your bathroom? 222 00:08:27,898 --> 00:08:29,944 - Child's pose on a Roomba, sir. 223 00:08:29,987 --> 00:08:31,859 - [laughs] Thank you for that story, 224 00:08:31,902 --> 00:08:33,600 Arpi, but I'm gonna be fine. 225 00:08:33,643 --> 00:08:36,385 - Well... your funeral. 226 00:08:37,429 --> 00:08:39,649 - Funeral? Nuh-uh! 227 00:08:39,693 --> 00:08:41,738 Tomorrow will be the opposite! It'll be-- 228 00:08:41,782 --> 00:08:43,871 it'll be a birth because everyone's gonna say 229 00:08:43,914 --> 00:08:45,481 that I'm a miracle, 230 00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:47,527 and they're gonna give me a free hat! 231 00:08:47,570 --> 00:08:48,963 - Absolutely not. 232 00:08:49,006 --> 00:08:50,268 - But all we're asking for 233 00:08:50,312 --> 00:08:52,749 is a new ID photo for him, and for me, a list 234 00:08:52,793 --> 00:08:54,577 of all the unmarried men who work in this building 235 00:08:54,621 --> 00:08:56,274 as well as any men married over seven years 236 00:08:56,318 --> 00:08:57,972 'cause that's when things get shaky. 237 00:08:58,015 --> 00:08:59,539 - The answer is no. 238 00:08:59,582 --> 00:09:01,105 And don't bother going over my head 239 00:09:01,149 --> 00:09:03,412 because I have a sex tape of my supervisor. 240 00:09:03,455 --> 00:09:05,327 - Please! I work 18-hour days 241 00:09:05,370 --> 00:09:08,069 and my Grindr profile got shut down for quoting Reagan! 242 00:09:08,112 --> 00:09:09,984 - Next! 243 00:09:10,027 --> 00:09:11,463 - Why are you like this? 244 00:09:11,507 --> 00:09:13,161 - Because of people like you. 245 00:09:13,204 --> 00:09:15,772 I've worked here for 30 years, and the only time anyone's paid 246 00:09:15,816 --> 00:09:18,340 any attention to me is when they want something. 247 00:09:18,383 --> 00:09:20,647 "Oh, I don't like my picture." 248 00:09:20,690 --> 00:09:24,259 "Oh, I'm horny, I want to do the whole building." 249 00:09:24,302 --> 00:09:26,043 - Why is my voice deeper? - That is a good Mikaela. 250 00:09:26,087 --> 00:09:27,784 - I come in every day and do my job, 251 00:09:27,828 --> 00:09:29,090 and no one gives a damn! 252 00:09:29,133 --> 00:09:31,005 No one appreciates me. 253 00:09:31,048 --> 00:09:34,835 But Barb in maintenance gets an Applebee's gift card 254 00:09:34,878 --> 00:09:37,402 for her 15th work-iversary! 255 00:09:37,446 --> 00:09:39,448 - Look, we all hate Barb-- - No, you're right. 256 00:09:39,491 --> 00:09:40,449 We're sorry. - What? No! 257 00:09:40,492 --> 00:09:41,842 - Bye-bye. - Stop it. 258 00:09:41,885 --> 00:09:43,495 Your hands are greasy and this is Armami. 259 00:09:43,539 --> 00:09:45,454 - Did you say "Armami"? - Maybe. 260 00:09:45,497 --> 00:09:46,716 - Sir? 261 00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:48,196 Arpi here. 262 00:09:48,239 --> 00:09:49,676 It's later, like you said, 263 00:09:49,719 --> 00:09:53,157 so can we talk about my scuba diver safety initiative? 264 00:09:53,201 --> 00:09:56,160 I think I found one who got dumped on a fire. 265 00:09:56,204 --> 00:09:58,380 His name was Henry Totts. 266 00:09:58,423 --> 00:10:01,122 His teeth and a tank were found on a Montecito hillside. 267 00:10:01,165 --> 00:10:02,819 Sir? 268 00:10:02,863 --> 00:10:05,169 - Over here. 269 00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:10,653 Don't gloat. 270 00:10:10,697 --> 00:10:12,089 - Too late. 271 00:10:12,133 --> 00:10:13,395 [Austrian accent] What'd you do, Arnold? 272 00:10:13,438 --> 00:10:16,659 Bench too much press? Max out on supersets? 273 00:10:16,703 --> 00:10:19,314 - I sneezed and threw my back out. 274 00:10:19,357 --> 00:10:22,404 I've been lying here for an hour with that guy 275 00:10:22,447 --> 00:10:26,103 staring down at me, whispering, "Join me in death." 276 00:10:26,147 --> 00:10:30,151 - That is Alpheus P. Hodges, first mayor of Los Angeles. 277 00:10:30,194 --> 00:10:32,196 He was also the very first person to complain 278 00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:34,068 that there's no good pizza out here. 279 00:10:34,111 --> 00:10:35,983 - [groans] 280 00:10:36,026 --> 00:10:38,550 - Do you know how easily I could kill you right now? 281 00:10:40,117 --> 00:10:42,206 I'm just saying, you're in no condition to throw anything. 282 00:10:42,250 --> 00:10:43,730 I'll tell Mikaela to cancel. 283 00:10:43,773 --> 00:10:46,428 - No, I have to do this. - No, you don't! 284 00:10:46,471 --> 00:10:47,908 No one will even notice if you cancel. 285 00:10:47,951 --> 00:10:49,736 We'll just say you're doing something with the troops. 286 00:10:49,779 --> 00:10:51,651 It's like a period; it gets you out of anything. 287 00:10:51,694 --> 00:10:54,697 - No, I--I have to do this for me. 288 00:10:57,134 --> 00:11:00,094 My grandfather, Felix Bremer, 289 00:11:00,137 --> 00:11:02,618 he was a pickle salesman. 290 00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:05,316 Have you ever tried to lift a barrel of pickles, Arpi? 291 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:07,754 Let alone carry one up a flight of tenement stairs 292 00:11:07,797 --> 00:11:11,366 only to be told, "We don't care for pickles"? 293 00:11:11,409 --> 00:11:14,238 Even in his 70s, he never left a room 294 00:11:14,282 --> 00:11:17,328 without clicking his heels as if to say, 295 00:11:17,372 --> 00:11:19,200 "I still got it." 296 00:11:19,243 --> 00:11:21,289 And then one day, he put his hat on, 297 00:11:21,332 --> 00:11:22,986 and he walked out the front parlor, 298 00:11:23,030 --> 00:11:26,033 and he couldn't do it. 299 00:11:26,076 --> 00:11:28,775 Couldn't click his heels. 300 00:11:28,818 --> 00:11:31,734 In that moment, he died. 301 00:11:31,778 --> 00:11:33,780 And then three months later, he really died 302 00:11:33,823 --> 00:11:35,738 riding "The Cyclone" on Coney Island. 303 00:11:35,782 --> 00:11:37,784 It just shot him right into the ocean. 304 00:11:37,827 --> 00:11:40,003 He was only 74. 305 00:11:40,047 --> 00:11:41,439 Two years older than me. 306 00:11:41,483 --> 00:11:44,138 If I can't throw a damn baseball, 307 00:11:44,181 --> 00:11:45,879 that's my heel click. 308 00:11:45,922 --> 00:11:50,318 - Well, I can relate to the horrors of aging. 309 00:11:50,361 --> 00:11:52,059 I'm starting to look more and more 310 00:11:52,102 --> 00:11:53,800 like my father in a wig. - [laughs] 311 00:11:53,843 --> 00:11:55,715 - And Lord knows I'm not rooting for you, 312 00:11:55,758 --> 00:11:58,805 but I don't need you humiliating the office. 313 00:11:58,848 --> 00:12:02,199 A position once held by that man. 314 00:12:02,243 --> 00:12:04,114 The inventor of the beach party. 315 00:12:04,158 --> 00:12:06,769 - Then help me. Arpi, please. 316 00:12:06,813 --> 00:12:08,118 - All right! 317 00:12:08,162 --> 00:12:10,425 We're gonna need a cold pool, stat. 318 00:12:10,468 --> 00:12:13,341 My Y has an ADHD teen swim right now, 319 00:12:13,384 --> 00:12:14,734 but I know the receptionist. 320 00:12:14,777 --> 00:12:18,128 - I'm not going to a Y. My own home has a pool. 321 00:12:18,172 --> 00:12:19,695 We'll use--what are you doing? 322 00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:21,349 - Okay, we just need to get you to the car. 323 00:12:21,392 --> 00:12:22,654 - [groans] 324 00:12:22,698 --> 00:12:24,308 - Sir, do you have a Roomba? 325 00:12:25,570 --> 00:12:25,919 . 326 00:12:25,962 --> 00:12:27,616 - Not so fast, not so fast. 327 00:12:27,659 --> 00:12:29,618 - Ugh! This place makes me sick. 328 00:12:29,661 --> 00:12:31,663 The 1% and their castles. 329 00:12:31,707 --> 00:12:34,405 - 0.01%, Arpi. 330 00:12:34,449 --> 00:12:35,972 I'm not a lawyer or something. 331 00:12:36,016 --> 00:12:38,061 - All right, money bags. 332 00:12:38,105 --> 00:12:40,368 Let's get you ready for your stupid pitch. 333 00:12:40,411 --> 00:12:43,414 [Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger"] 334 00:12:43,458 --> 00:12:45,329 ♪ 335 00:12:45,373 --> 00:12:46,896 [whistle] 336 00:12:46,940 --> 00:12:49,203 Stiller! Less motion! 337 00:12:49,246 --> 00:12:52,293 ♪ 338 00:12:52,336 --> 00:12:54,817 Good, again! 339 00:12:54,861 --> 00:12:56,514 Open. 340 00:12:56,558 --> 00:12:58,821 ♪ 341 00:12:58,865 --> 00:13:00,170 Do not chew. 342 00:13:00,214 --> 00:13:02,216 Let Michael Weatherly dissolve. 343 00:13:02,259 --> 00:13:03,783 Meditate! 344 00:13:03,826 --> 00:13:06,133 Do not judge that you are having thoughts. 345 00:13:06,176 --> 00:13:09,658 Simply acknowledge them and let them pass! 346 00:13:09,701 --> 00:13:11,268 ♪ 347 00:13:11,312 --> 00:13:12,574 Again! 348 00:13:12,617 --> 00:13:14,141 - Yeah, this girl saw a modeling photo of me 349 00:13:14,184 --> 00:13:15,490 on a scooter and she was like, 350 00:13:15,533 --> 00:13:17,361 "I need to get all up under that helmet." 351 00:13:17,405 --> 00:13:18,754 [laughs] 352 00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:21,278 So we're gonna go out later to a baseball game. 353 00:13:21,322 --> 00:13:22,845 Which is dangerous. 354 00:13:22,889 --> 00:13:25,195 'Cause all those bases are just begging to be gotten to. 355 00:13:25,239 --> 00:13:27,632 But it's a first date, so I doubt she'll bring her parents. 356 00:13:27,676 --> 00:13:30,113 She'll probably just bring some uncles, you know? 357 00:13:30,157 --> 00:13:32,159 Hey, what's up, Barry? - Hello. 358 00:13:32,202 --> 00:13:33,856 - What are you doing striding in? 359 00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:35,379 Is that a spring in your step? 360 00:13:35,423 --> 00:13:37,033 - You did it, Arpi. I feel great! 361 00:13:37,077 --> 00:13:39,166 - I didn't do anything! Not yet. 362 00:13:39,209 --> 00:13:40,863 Now drop and give me nothing! 363 00:13:40,907 --> 00:13:43,431 - Okay. 364 00:13:44,171 --> 00:13:45,868 - [clears throat] Mayor, they're all ready 365 00:13:45,912 --> 00:13:47,565 for you in the briefing room. 366 00:13:47,609 --> 00:13:48,871 - What? Who is? 367 00:13:48,915 --> 00:13:50,525 - Oh, no. Did you forget? 368 00:13:50,568 --> 00:13:53,049 You have a lot going on for someone your age. 369 00:13:53,093 --> 00:13:54,355 - It's all right, sir. I remember when my Lola 370 00:13:54,398 --> 00:13:56,226 started putting shoes in the refrigerator. 371 00:13:56,270 --> 00:13:58,750 - Today is the recognition ceremony for employees 372 00:13:58,794 --> 00:14:01,579 who have worked at City Hall for 30 years or longer? 373 00:14:01,623 --> 00:14:03,799 - No, of course I--of course I remember. 374 00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:06,758 I've got a mind like a steel-- 375 00:14:06,802 --> 00:14:10,414 what's that thing that catches rats? 376 00:14:10,458 --> 00:14:11,459 Tornk. 377 00:14:11,502 --> 00:14:14,897 Yep--no, no. Snatcher. 378 00:14:14,941 --> 00:14:17,421 Yeah, I got a mind like a steel snatcher. 379 00:14:17,465 --> 00:14:18,727 - I prepared some remarks 380 00:14:18,770 --> 00:14:20,076 for you as we discussed yesterday. 381 00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:23,123 - I know! Very productive day, Tommy. 382 00:14:23,166 --> 00:14:25,560 Oh, yeah, this is good. 383 00:14:25,603 --> 00:14:30,260 "30 years ago, Daniela, the ID badge lady, 384 00:14:30,304 --> 00:14:32,915 "came to City Hall with a dream. 385 00:14:32,959 --> 00:14:36,136 "A dream of photographing employees 386 00:14:36,179 --> 00:14:38,790 "and then printing out IDs for them. 387 00:14:38,834 --> 00:14:40,357 And boy, did she ever!" 388 00:14:40,401 --> 00:14:42,533 - Her computer logs out in 30 seconds, move! 389 00:14:42,577 --> 00:14:44,274 - I'm actually more motivated by compliments, 390 00:14:44,318 --> 00:14:45,928 so you might want to adjust your tone. 391 00:14:45,972 --> 00:14:48,583 - "Daniela was born in the 20th century. 392 00:14:48,626 --> 00:14:51,412 "The century that brought us The Rolling Stones, 393 00:14:51,455 --> 00:14:56,025 "the Roaring '20s, low rise jeans, the hula hoop, 394 00:14:56,069 --> 00:14:58,723 "flip phones, and way before that... 395 00:14:58,767 --> 00:15:00,116 "regular phones. 396 00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:03,032 "From the Menendez brothers to the Williams sisters, 397 00:15:03,076 --> 00:15:06,296 "we'll proof it later, just print it, Tommy. 398 00:15:06,340 --> 00:15:09,038 Or should we write more just to be safe?" 399 00:15:09,082 --> 00:15:11,954 [upbeat music] 400 00:15:11,998 --> 00:15:14,696 - Male, unmarried. 401 00:15:14,739 --> 00:15:16,176 - Classic or bad boy? 402 00:15:16,219 --> 00:15:18,613 - They look the same! - One has a finer gauge check! 403 00:15:18,656 --> 00:15:19,919 - "But Daniela is so much more 404 00:15:19,962 --> 00:15:22,965 "than just the girl version... 405 00:15:23,009 --> 00:15:24,401 of Daniel." 406 00:15:24,445 --> 00:15:25,837 - This thing is so slow! 407 00:15:25,881 --> 00:15:27,448 - Red carpet Bob Iger! 408 00:15:27,491 --> 00:15:30,451 Prince Harry wasn't expecting you. 409 00:15:30,494 --> 00:15:32,409 Naughty Mitt Romney. 410 00:15:32,453 --> 00:15:35,369 - "So now let's enjoy a visual tribute--" 411 00:15:35,412 --> 00:15:36,326 Oh, great! 412 00:15:36,370 --> 00:15:39,851 "To Daniela's phenomenal career." 413 00:15:39,895 --> 00:15:41,941 Look at you, Daniela. 414 00:15:41,984 --> 00:15:43,681 ♪ 415 00:15:43,725 --> 00:15:46,423 - Oh, they're all stunning but they tell different stories! 416 00:15:46,467 --> 00:15:47,685 - Just pick one! 417 00:15:47,729 --> 00:15:49,296 - "Which is why today, 418 00:15:49,339 --> 00:15:54,736 ID stands for 'Incredible Daniela.'" 419 00:15:54,779 --> 00:15:56,868 ♪ 420 00:15:56,912 --> 00:15:58,479 [applause] 421 00:15:58,522 --> 00:15:59,871 [laughs] Enjoy! 422 00:15:59,915 --> 00:16:01,917 ♪ 423 00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:04,006 - Tommy! - It's printing! 424 00:16:04,050 --> 00:16:06,966 [tense music] 425 00:16:07,009 --> 00:16:11,448 ♪ 426 00:16:11,492 --> 00:16:12,884 - Okay, where do we go? - I don't know! 427 00:16:12,928 --> 00:16:18,064 ♪ 428 00:16:28,944 --> 00:16:31,642 - [chuckles] 429 00:16:38,432 --> 00:16:39,476 Next! 430 00:16:41,478 --> 00:16:41,696 . 431 00:16:41,739 --> 00:16:43,480 - Jayden? 432 00:16:43,524 --> 00:16:45,352 It's Emily. - Emily, hi! 433 00:16:45,395 --> 00:16:48,181 - Hi! [both laughing] 434 00:16:48,224 --> 00:16:49,704 - You're even cuter in person. 435 00:16:49,747 --> 00:16:51,271 - So are you. - Oh! 436 00:16:51,314 --> 00:16:53,360 - I Googled you back. I guess that elderly woman 437 00:16:53,403 --> 00:16:55,536 in Van Nuys with your name isn't you. 438 00:16:55,579 --> 00:16:56,841 I'll probably still be a gentleman 439 00:16:56,885 --> 00:16:58,365 and take her to the audiologist on Thursday, 440 00:16:58,408 --> 00:16:59,627 but just as friends. 441 00:16:59,670 --> 00:17:01,368 [both laughing] 442 00:17:01,411 --> 00:17:02,630 - Wasn't kidding. 443 00:17:02,673 --> 00:17:04,023 - Oh, are you ready, Mr. Mayor? 444 00:17:04,066 --> 00:17:05,894 - Oh, he's ready, all right. If he were a turkey, 445 00:17:05,937 --> 00:17:08,679 he'd be golden brown and slick with juices. 446 00:17:08,723 --> 00:17:09,898 - Mikaela? - Sir, 447 00:17:09,941 --> 00:17:12,901 we have an issue with SafeLA. 448 00:17:12,944 --> 00:17:14,859 There's a citywide lice outbreak 449 00:17:14,903 --> 00:17:17,993 and the Health Department has traced it back to our helmets. 450 00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:19,386 - Lice? 451 00:17:19,429 --> 00:17:21,170 Okay, I guess 452 00:17:21,214 --> 00:17:23,738 the city can provide medicated shampoo for anyone-- 453 00:17:23,781 --> 00:17:26,871 - It's not that simple, sir. It's causing accidents. 454 00:17:26,915 --> 00:17:29,874 - Sir, this is as bad as it is hilarious. 455 00:17:29,918 --> 00:17:33,095 - Also, it turns out "Safela" is a pretty problematic 456 00:17:33,139 --> 00:17:36,403 Latin drag queen, so the hashtag is messy. 457 00:17:36,446 --> 00:17:39,623 Now Twitter is riled up and the "LA Times" is calling. 458 00:17:39,667 --> 00:17:42,104 - So, in other words, my first safety initiative 459 00:17:42,148 --> 00:17:44,933 has caused a, what, Scooter-pocalypse? 460 00:17:44,976 --> 00:17:47,109 - The good news is, we actually could distract people 461 00:17:47,153 --> 00:17:49,068 from this story if... 462 00:17:49,111 --> 00:17:52,114 you throw a truly terrible pitch. 463 00:17:52,158 --> 00:17:53,768 - What? No! 464 00:17:53,811 --> 00:17:56,118 No, I'm not gonna do that. That's ridiculous. 465 00:17:56,162 --> 00:17:57,728 - She wants you to biff the pitch? 466 00:17:57,772 --> 00:17:59,426 Smart. A humiliating throw 467 00:17:59,469 --> 00:18:01,123 will distract the sheep for sure. 468 00:18:01,167 --> 00:18:04,126 - Or, what if I threw out the best first pitch ever, 469 00:18:04,170 --> 00:18:06,955 and then everyone will be talking about how cool it was. 470 00:18:06,998 --> 00:18:08,696 - Right, 'cause that's how the internet, 471 00:18:08,739 --> 00:18:10,437 local news, and human nature work. 472 00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:12,569 Celebrating the good in us all. Grow up! 473 00:18:12,613 --> 00:18:15,790 - I don't want to look old and weak. 474 00:18:15,833 --> 00:18:17,618 I don't want to be Felix Bremer. 475 00:18:17,661 --> 00:18:20,273 - Sir, no one is saying this has to be weak. 476 00:18:20,316 --> 00:18:23,972 It just has to be, in some way, extremely incorrect. 477 00:18:24,015 --> 00:18:25,713 - What about, you know, the office? 478 00:18:25,756 --> 00:18:27,584 - I'm not asking you to humiliate the office. 479 00:18:27,628 --> 00:18:30,892 I'm asking you to humiliate... 480 00:18:36,332 --> 00:18:37,768 Someone. 481 00:18:37,812 --> 00:18:39,161 - I started getting super itchy 482 00:18:39,205 --> 00:18:41,424 ever since I went in that IKEA ball pit. 483 00:18:41,468 --> 00:18:43,034 You ever been in one? It's fun. 484 00:18:43,078 --> 00:18:44,340 [both chuckle] 485 00:18:44,384 --> 00:18:46,386 - Smell weird, but they're fun. 486 00:18:46,429 --> 00:18:47,735 - Your attention, please. 487 00:18:47,778 --> 00:18:49,867 Throwing out today's first pitch, 488 00:18:49,911 --> 00:18:55,830 the 43rd Mayor of Los Angeles, Mayor Neil Bremer! 489 00:18:55,873 --> 00:18:57,310 [cheers and applause] 490 00:18:57,353 --> 00:18:58,702 - [laughs] 491 00:19:00,791 --> 00:19:03,794 So later on, I'm thinking maybe Popeyes? 492 00:19:03,838 --> 00:19:05,970 Or we could watch a different cartoon if you want. 493 00:19:06,014 --> 00:19:06,884 - Okay. 494 00:19:06,928 --> 00:19:08,190 - [giggles] Okay, all right! 495 00:19:08,234 --> 00:19:09,148 - All right! 496 00:19:11,237 --> 00:19:13,326 [suspenseful music] 497 00:19:13,369 --> 00:19:15,328 [Jayden giggles] 498 00:19:15,371 --> 00:19:17,156 - Sorry, pal. 499 00:19:17,199 --> 00:19:19,767 - He looks so good. - I know, he is a natural. 500 00:19:19,810 --> 00:19:21,986 - Oh! [crowd cheering] 501 00:19:22,030 --> 00:19:23,510 Oh, my area! 502 00:19:23,553 --> 00:19:26,774 [Jayden coughing and wheezing] 503 00:19:26,817 --> 00:19:29,255 - Now that's how you make an omelet. 504 00:19:29,298 --> 00:19:31,300 - Jayden, are you okay? - Get away from me! 505 00:19:31,344 --> 00:19:32,736 Call my pediatrician! 506 00:19:32,780 --> 00:19:36,566 [Jayden coughing and wheezing] 507 00:19:38,307 --> 00:19:41,354 [Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger"] 508 00:19:41,397 --> 00:19:48,361 ♪ 509 00:19:48,404 --> 00:19:50,189 - Oooh. 510 00:19:52,626 --> 00:19:53,670 Oh. 511 00:19:53,714 --> 00:19:54,628 [scanner beeps] 512 00:19:54,671 --> 00:19:55,846 Next! 513 00:19:59,763 --> 00:20:02,636 - Well, I overshot it. 514 00:20:02,679 --> 00:20:04,855 - Damn, Gina! 515 00:20:04,899 --> 00:20:08,729 Yeah, this is not the burger they show in the ad. 516 00:20:08,772 --> 00:20:09,904 - I'm gonna die alone. 517 00:20:09,947 --> 00:20:11,688 Like a dog lost in a Kardashian house. 518 00:20:11,732 --> 00:20:13,168 - Well, we can share a casket. 519 00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:14,996 I went through this whole thing last night. 520 00:20:15,039 --> 00:20:17,041 The top three straight bachelors in City Hall 521 00:20:17,085 --> 00:20:19,740 are Neil, Jayden, and sugar glider guy. 522 00:20:19,783 --> 00:20:22,264 - Sorry, but I'm married to my hobby-- 523 00:20:22,308 --> 00:20:26,964 posing sugar gliders in dioramas of old Hollywood. 524 00:20:27,008 --> 00:20:31,012 - Why are our lives so much harder than other people's? 525 00:20:31,055 --> 00:20:33,754 - Morning, Jayden. - Not great, to be honest. 526 00:20:33,797 --> 00:20:35,538 Emily won't respond to any of the Mark McGrath 527 00:20:35,582 --> 00:20:37,061 cameos I got for her. 528 00:20:37,105 --> 00:20:39,150 And the insurance company won't pay for my vaginal mesh 529 00:20:39,194 --> 00:20:40,630 because I'm a boy! 530 00:20:40,674 --> 00:20:42,284 But that's just what they call it! 531 00:20:42,328 --> 00:20:44,286 No foolin', mesh is mesh! 532 00:20:47,507 --> 00:20:50,118 - I'm glad you work here, buddy. 533 00:20:50,161 --> 00:20:51,641 Wait, do you still have lice? 534 00:20:51,685 --> 00:20:55,993 - It was a penis hospital, not a hair hospital, Mikaela! 535 00:20:59,562 --> 00:21:00,737 - Oh, whoa! 536 00:21:00,781 --> 00:21:01,956 Oh! 537 00:21:01,999 --> 00:21:04,088 I think it went inside. 538 00:21:04,132 --> 00:21:05,829 Make me sneeze so it pops out again! 539 00:21:05,873 --> 00:21:08,310 Oh, God exists and he's mean! 540 00:21:08,354 --> 00:21:10,094 Call my mommy! 541 00:21:10,138 --> 00:21:11,966 She's in my phone under "aunt" 542 00:21:12,009 --> 00:21:13,881 'cause I just found out the truth last week. 543 00:21:13,924 --> 00:21:16,710 Way to protect me from nothing, Superman unterhose! 544 00:21:16,753 --> 00:21:18,146 Oh, peepee concussion! 545 00:21:18,189 --> 00:21:20,583 This is not how best friends treat each other! 546 00:21:20,627 --> 00:21:23,238 I broke my penis at Dodger Stadium! 547 00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:25,284 - Good night, everybody. Good night.