1 00:00:01,635 --> 00:00:02,736 EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS "Everybody Hates The Last Day" CLOSED CAPTIONED 2 00:00:02,770 --> 00:00:03,904 (Pat Benatar's "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" playing) 3 00:00:03,937 --> 00:00:06,607 CHRIS ROCK: After another whole year at Corleone, 4 00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:09,743 it was good to finally get to the last week of school. 5 00:00:09,777 --> 00:00:12,780 Summer vacation was ahead of me, and the days of being 6 00:00:12,813 --> 00:00:16,384 bullied by Caruso on a daily basic behind me. (school bell rings) 7 00:00:16,417 --> 00:00:17,618 Man, I can't wait. 8 00:00:17,651 --> 00:00:19,720 No more tests, no more bus rides. 9 00:00:19,753 --> 00:00:20,721 Hold on. 10 00:00:20,754 --> 00:00:21,722 There. 11 00:00:21,755 --> 00:00:23,324 2,100 minutes. 12 00:00:23,357 --> 00:00:24,325 What? 13 00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:25,559 There are 2,100 minutes left 14 00:00:25,593 --> 00:00:27,428 until the end of the school year. 15 00:00:27,461 --> 00:00:28,496 Don't you mean five days? 16 00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:30,064 I prefer 2,100 minutes. 17 00:00:30,098 --> 00:00:31,099 It sounds like less time. 18 00:00:31,132 --> 00:00:32,766 Whatever. 19 00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:35,103 What's wrong with you? Remember at the beginning of the school year 20 00:00:35,136 --> 00:00:37,538 when I said I wanted things to be different and all that? 21 00:00:37,571 --> 00:00:38,739 Yeah, what about it? 22 00:00:38,772 --> 00:00:40,808 Well, everything I didn't want to have happen happened. 23 00:00:40,841 --> 00:00:42,576 It hasn't been all bad. 24 00:00:42,610 --> 00:00:43,777 You were elected student president. 25 00:00:43,811 --> 00:00:45,079 I was impeached. 26 00:00:45,113 --> 00:00:46,280 Keep it up. 27 00:00:46,314 --> 00:00:49,083 You're gonna make this week a lot longer than it has to be. 28 00:00:49,117 --> 00:00:51,219 I just want to do one thing before the end of the year 29 00:00:51,252 --> 00:00:52,253 that I feel good about. 30 00:00:52,286 --> 00:00:53,187 Hey, T.C. 31 00:00:53,221 --> 00:00:55,523 Five more days till you're back in the hood. 32 00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:56,524 Dropped something. 33 00:00:56,557 --> 00:00:58,526 Don't you ever get tired of that? 34 00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:01,195 I never get tired, it never gets old. 35 00:01:02,463 --> 00:01:05,333 You know, I think I know how to make this all worthwhile. 36 00:01:05,366 --> 00:01:07,235 What are you talking about? 37 00:01:07,268 --> 00:01:08,769 I'm gonna get my revenge on Caruso. 38 00:01:08,802 --> 00:01:11,071 Stay tuned for Revenge of the Nerd. 39 00:01:19,213 --> 00:01:20,881 * Aw, make it funky now 40 00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:24,885 Captioning sponsored by CBS PARAMOUNT NETWORK TELEVISION 41 00:01:44,372 --> 00:01:46,207 The hardest thing about planning revenge 42 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:47,741 is figuring out how far to go. 43 00:01:47,775 --> 00:01:50,278 How's Operation Get Revenge On Caruso going? 44 00:01:50,311 --> 00:01:51,912 Not bad, but I'm changing the operation name 45 00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:53,414 to He Can Hear You, Stupid. 46 00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:55,249 What's that? 47 00:01:55,283 --> 00:01:56,484 It's my revenge list. 48 00:01:56,517 --> 00:01:58,652 I'm trying to figure out the best way to do it. 49 00:01:58,686 --> 00:02:00,154 You could toilet paper his house. 50 00:02:00,188 --> 00:02:01,222 Too dangerous. 51 00:02:01,255 --> 00:02:02,523 You could egg him on the way home. 52 00:02:02,556 --> 00:02:03,424 Too obvious. 53 00:02:03,457 --> 00:02:05,193 You could put Ex-Lax in his hot chocolate. 54 00:02:05,226 --> 00:02:07,395 Too typical. Suit yourself, 55 00:02:07,428 --> 00:02:10,231 but I'm saving that one for a jerk to be named later. 56 00:02:10,264 --> 00:02:11,432 Do you really think this is gonna work? 57 00:02:11,465 --> 00:02:14,235 I want to show Caruso that he can't keep messing with me 58 00:02:14,268 --> 00:02:14,868 and get away with it. 59 00:02:14,902 --> 00:02:16,270 I'm gonna get him back. 60 00:02:16,304 --> 00:02:18,272 I'm gonna get him back good. 61 00:02:18,306 --> 00:02:21,609 Like Tina finally did to Ike. 62 00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:23,444 While I was making up for the past, 63 00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:26,580 Drew was getting ready for his future. 64 00:02:26,614 --> 00:02:27,915 Oh! 65 00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:30,784 Look at you. 66 00:02:30,818 --> 00:02:33,521 Oh, my baby's graduating. 67 00:02:33,554 --> 00:02:35,956 I think the hat looks stupid. Shut up. 68 00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:38,292 You shut up. Hey, hey, be quiet. 69 00:02:38,326 --> 00:02:40,894 Hey, Mom, can we eat at Junior's after graduation? 70 00:02:40,928 --> 00:02:42,196 TONYA: I hate Junior's. 71 00:02:42,230 --> 00:02:43,897 Can we eat at Sylvia's? 72 00:02:43,931 --> 00:02:44,965 Drew gets to pick. 73 00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:47,235 He's the one graduating, Tonya. 74 00:02:47,268 --> 00:02:48,536 You know what? 75 00:02:48,569 --> 00:02:50,904 In that case, Ma, we have to go to Sylvia's. 76 00:02:50,938 --> 00:02:52,873 Oh, that's nice, baby. 77 00:02:52,906 --> 00:02:55,209 To tell Sylvia we're eating at Junior's. 78 00:02:55,243 --> 00:02:57,278 Ow! Well, we can ask your daddy. 79 00:02:57,311 --> 00:02:58,912 I'm sure we can eat wherever you want. 80 00:02:58,946 --> 00:02:59,913 As long as they have 81 00:02:59,947 --> 00:03:02,683 a "Kids eat free after 4:00 p.m." special. 82 00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:05,653 I don't know what's so special about graduating. 83 00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:06,854 Nothing, if you're happy saying, 84 00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:07,788 "May I take your order, please?" 85 00:03:07,821 --> 00:03:10,324 What's so special is: I don't have to go 86 00:03:10,358 --> 00:03:11,859 to little kid school with you anymore. 87 00:03:11,892 --> 00:03:13,227 I'm grown. 88 00:03:13,261 --> 00:03:15,463 Well, you're not grown; you're stupid. 89 00:03:15,496 --> 00:03:16,797 You're stupid. You're stupid. 90 00:03:16,830 --> 00:03:17,865 (mutters) Hey, hey, hey. 91 00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:19,400 Didn't I say "Stop"? 92 00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:22,636 Hey, Ma, can I show the guys my cap and gown? 93 00:03:22,670 --> 00:03:23,904 Uh-uh-uh-uh! 94 00:03:23,937 --> 00:03:25,005 You ain't gonna mess that gown up, 95 00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:27,308 and then go walking across the stage looking like 96 00:03:27,341 --> 00:03:28,609 "Who did that to you?" 97 00:03:28,642 --> 00:03:30,010 Take it off. 98 00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:31,512 And give me the hat, too. 99 00:03:32,913 --> 00:03:33,981 I'm gonna hang this in your closet, 100 00:03:34,014 --> 00:03:36,016 and I better not see you in it until graduation day. 101 00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:37,985 You understand me? Yes, ma'am. 102 00:03:38,018 --> 00:03:39,787 Huh, excuse me? I di... what? 103 00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:41,255 Yes, ma'am. 104 00:03:41,289 --> 00:03:42,723 All right. 105 00:03:42,756 --> 00:03:44,825 (sighs) 106 00:03:44,858 --> 00:03:48,028 While Drew was moving up, Mr. Omar's drain was stopped up. 107 00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:50,030 How long has it been like that? 108 00:03:50,063 --> 00:03:52,500 Ever since it got back from vacation in Haiti. 109 00:03:52,533 --> 00:03:53,467 I don't know. 110 00:03:53,501 --> 00:03:56,437 Some time overnight, it just got all backed up. 111 00:03:56,470 --> 00:03:59,340 Hmm... I'll take care of it. 112 00:03:59,373 --> 00:04:00,541 My father thought 113 00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:03,644 he could fix anything with Crazy Glue or duct tape. 114 00:04:03,677 --> 00:04:04,645 What you doing? 115 00:04:04,678 --> 00:04:06,314 Fixing the table. 116 00:04:06,347 --> 00:04:07,815 All done. 117 00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:08,949 Look at that. 118 00:04:08,982 --> 00:04:10,017 Julius. 119 00:04:10,050 --> 00:04:11,852 Did you fix that flat tire? 120 00:04:11,885 --> 00:04:14,288 (breathing heavily): Good as new. 121 00:04:16,790 --> 00:04:18,859 Did you fix that noise yet? 122 00:04:18,892 --> 00:04:20,494 Quiet as a mouse. 123 00:04:23,497 --> 00:04:24,998 Here, hold this for me. 124 00:04:25,032 --> 00:04:28,969 (sighs) I don't think duct tape is gonna fix that, Mr. Julius. 125 00:04:29,002 --> 00:04:30,738 Why don't you just call the plumber? 126 00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:32,005 For $25 an hour? 127 00:04:32,039 --> 00:04:34,975 I don't think so. 128 00:04:35,008 --> 00:04:36,043 I know what to do. 129 00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:41,582 In order to exact the perfect revenge, 130 00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:44,017 I decided I should consult some experts. 131 00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:47,488 If I was you, I'd move onto his block and take a dollar from him 132 00:04:47,521 --> 00:04:50,090 every day for the rest of his life. 133 00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:51,191 Let me hold a dollar. 134 00:04:51,224 --> 00:04:53,861 You could slash his tires, pour sugar in his gas tank, 135 00:04:53,894 --> 00:04:57,331 put bleach on his clothes, give his wife a bad perm. 136 00:04:57,365 --> 00:04:59,032 Revenge? 137 00:04:59,066 --> 00:05:03,604 Success... the best revenge. 138 00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:04,905 My mother didn't say 139 00:05:04,938 --> 00:05:07,040 Drew couldn't wear his graduation gown. 140 00:05:07,074 --> 00:05:10,043 She just said she didn't want to see him wearing it. 141 00:05:10,077 --> 00:05:14,782 So when she wasn't around, he watched TV in it... 142 00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:16,584 he played sports in it... 143 00:05:16,617 --> 00:05:19,353 Get it! All right, man, yeah, go, go, go, go! 144 00:05:19,387 --> 00:05:21,955 He got ready for school in it... 145 00:05:21,989 --> 00:05:24,725 he even practiced graduating from another school in it. 146 00:05:24,758 --> 00:05:27,728 (applauding and cheering) (stirring march playing) 147 00:05:30,431 --> 00:05:32,633 With only four days of school left to get Caruso, 148 00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:36,404 I needed a crazy revenge plan, so I asked a crazy person. 149 00:05:36,437 --> 00:05:38,472 Hey, you know anything about revenge? 150 00:05:39,707 --> 00:05:41,108 One time in this third world country, 151 00:05:41,141 --> 00:05:42,810 I helped install this puppet regime 152 00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:45,078 for this dictator's ex-wife after a coup, 153 00:05:45,112 --> 00:05:46,113 just so she could stop him 154 00:05:46,146 --> 00:05:47,615 from getting his favorite suits. 155 00:05:47,648 --> 00:05:49,149 So that's a yes? 156 00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:50,484 I don't know what you're talking about. 157 00:05:50,518 --> 00:05:52,720 Okay... 158 00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:54,455 Well, there's this kid Caruso. 159 00:05:54,488 --> 00:05:56,089 He's been picking on me all year long 160 00:05:56,123 --> 00:05:57,157 and I just want to get even. 161 00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,993 You want to know how to do it? If he pulls a knife, 162 00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:00,861 you pull a gun. 163 00:06:00,894 --> 00:06:02,763 He sends one of yours to the hospital, 164 00:06:02,796 --> 00:06:04,031 you send his to the morgue. 165 00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:06,734 Now, you do that, and that will end your problems with Caruso. 166 00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:08,702 Crips and Bloods tried that. 167 00:06:08,736 --> 00:06:09,937 Never quite seemed to work out. 168 00:06:09,970 --> 00:06:12,406 I just want him to stop picking on me. 169 00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:13,741 Okay, well, what do you know about him? 170 00:06:13,774 --> 00:06:15,142 Well, he likes to beat me up. 171 00:06:15,175 --> 00:06:17,044 What else? Call me names. 172 00:06:17,077 --> 00:06:18,412 Is that all you know about him? 173 00:06:18,446 --> 00:06:19,413 Pretty much. 174 00:06:19,447 --> 00:06:20,280 Well, then, that's your problem. 175 00:06:20,313 --> 00:06:22,950 First rule of combat: know your enemy. 176 00:06:22,983 --> 00:06:26,186 Man, revenge is like a good pair of night vision goggles. 177 00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:27,821 If they're not made just for you, 178 00:06:27,855 --> 00:06:29,457 they're never going to work, and you're going 179 00:06:29,490 --> 00:06:31,525 to wind up shooting your platoon leader in the neck 180 00:06:31,559 --> 00:06:32,960 by accident. 181 00:06:32,993 --> 00:06:35,996 Now, if you want to get this revenge on this Caruso, 182 00:06:36,029 --> 00:06:40,067 you got to study him-- you got to find out his strengths and weaknesses. 183 00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:43,671 You got to design something especially for him. 184 00:06:43,704 --> 00:06:47,808 Remember this: revenge is a dish best served cold. 185 00:06:47,841 --> 00:06:48,942 I thought that was meatloaf. 186 00:06:48,976 --> 00:06:50,110 Thanks. 187 00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:53,647 So now the plan was Operation Get To Know Caruso. 188 00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:59,687 My mission with Caruso was simple: 189 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:02,089 find out things without getting found out. 190 00:07:02,122 --> 00:07:06,126 (A Flock of Seagulls' "I Ran" playing) 191 00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,762 What happened? Did he spot us? 192 00:07:08,796 --> 00:07:11,499 No, but only because he didn't see us behind that mustache. 193 00:07:11,532 --> 00:07:14,201 How are you going to follow someone with a fake mustache 194 00:07:14,234 --> 00:07:16,470 and a Hawaiian shirt and expect them not to notice you? 195 00:07:16,504 --> 00:07:17,971 Works for Magnum, P.I. 196 00:07:18,005 --> 00:07:20,708 Number one, Tom Selleck is a 45-year-old man. 197 00:07:20,741 --> 00:07:22,743 Two, he wears Hawaiian shirts in Hawaii. 198 00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:23,877 There, they're just shirts. 199 00:07:23,911 --> 00:07:26,113 It's like Chinese food in China. 200 00:07:26,146 --> 00:07:28,215 Nothing could be further from the truth. 201 00:07:28,248 --> 00:07:30,551 There's Mandarin, Cantonese, Szechuan, 202 00:07:30,584 --> 00:07:32,853 my favorite, Hunan, Shanghai... 203 00:07:36,524 --> 00:07:38,058 What's he doing? 204 00:07:38,091 --> 00:07:39,693 Looks like he's waiting for somebody. 205 00:07:41,228 --> 00:07:42,763 What time is it? 206 00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:44,698 3:15. 207 00:07:44,732 --> 00:07:45,999 He's waiting for me. 208 00:07:46,033 --> 00:07:48,035 Hey, you seen Chris? 209 00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:49,036 Nuh-uh. 210 00:07:49,069 --> 00:07:50,771 * And I ran, I ran so... 211 00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:52,272 He's warming up. 212 00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:54,174 He's leaving. 213 00:07:54,207 --> 00:07:56,076 * I just ran 214 00:07:56,109 --> 00:07:57,778 * I ran all night and day. 215 00:07:57,811 --> 00:07:59,547 You okay? 216 00:07:59,580 --> 00:08:01,549 Hey, are you Chris? 217 00:08:01,582 --> 00:08:02,950 Yeah. Next time, 218 00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:05,052 be on time. (grunts) 219 00:08:05,085 --> 00:08:06,319 If nothing else, 220 00:08:06,353 --> 00:08:10,791 at least I learned to use a different door to leave school. 221 00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:14,294 Back at home, Drew's graduation was gradually getting to Tonya. 222 00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:17,030 (huffing): Why don't you take that stupid cap and gown off? 223 00:08:17,064 --> 00:08:18,699 You know Momma said not to wear it. 224 00:08:18,732 --> 00:08:21,935 (scoffing): You're just jealous because I look so cool. 225 00:08:21,969 --> 00:08:23,303 You don't look cool; you look stupid. 226 00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:24,738 You're the one that's gonna look stupid 227 00:08:24,772 --> 00:08:25,806 in your little baby school. 228 00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:27,541 I'm not a baby; you're a baby. 229 00:08:27,575 --> 00:08:29,209 That's why this baby is graduating. 230 00:08:33,313 --> 00:08:35,048 (laughing): Clean it up. 231 00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:39,052 Ha, now you clean it up. 232 00:08:39,086 --> 00:08:40,220 Drew. 233 00:08:40,253 --> 00:08:41,589 Everybody quiet. 234 00:08:41,622 --> 00:08:44,324 I want to hear Drew's last words. 235 00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:46,627 Go take that gown off. 236 00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:53,300 Clean this mess up. 237 00:08:53,333 --> 00:08:56,637 If that was me, I'd be cleaning my teeth up. 238 00:08:56,670 --> 00:08:57,705 Meanwhile, my father tried 239 00:08:57,738 --> 00:09:00,708 to replace a $25-an-hour plumber 240 00:09:00,741 --> 00:09:02,943 with a 14 cents-an-ounce bottle. 241 00:09:02,976 --> 00:09:04,344 Drainada? 242 00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:05,345 That's right. 243 00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:06,279 It's Spanish Drano. 244 00:09:06,313 --> 00:09:08,315 Doesn't "Drano" already sound Spanish? 245 00:09:08,348 --> 00:09:09,983 It's just as good as the real thing. 246 00:09:10,017 --> 00:09:12,586 What's in it? 247 00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:14,888 Sodium hydroxide and hot sauce. 248 00:09:14,922 --> 00:09:16,924 It dissolves the clog and leaves the pipes 249 00:09:16,957 --> 00:09:18,191 with a fresh, spicy scent. 250 00:09:18,225 --> 00:09:19,226 See? 251 00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:22,262 Does it work? 252 00:09:22,295 --> 00:09:24,732 You ever heard of a Puerto Rican with a plugged-up sink? 253 00:09:24,765 --> 00:09:25,733 No. 254 00:09:25,766 --> 00:09:26,734 Okay. 255 00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:28,235 It's just hitting Mr. Omar 256 00:09:28,268 --> 00:09:36,777 that maybe he did know a Puerto Rican with a plugged-up sink. 257 00:09:36,810 --> 00:09:39,212 Back on the street, something else was going down. 258 00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:40,513 This is boring, man. 259 00:09:40,547 --> 00:09:43,651 If this were Magnum, it'd be a good time for a car chase. 260 00:09:45,953 --> 00:09:48,956 (up-tempo music plays) 261 00:09:51,191 --> 00:09:53,694 You satisfied? 262 00:09:54,695 --> 00:09:55,929 Greg, stop! 263 00:09:55,963 --> 00:09:58,699 Greg just set a record in the 100-meter run-like-a-girl. 264 00:10:16,884 --> 00:10:18,986 I'd been following Caruso all day 265 00:10:19,019 --> 00:10:20,888 and I had come to a conclusion. 266 00:10:20,921 --> 00:10:23,223 Bullies are strange people. 267 00:10:27,895 --> 00:10:28,996 (dog barking) 268 00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:30,698 (squawking) 269 00:10:30,731 --> 00:10:32,700 (cat meowing) 270 00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:34,668 Thanks for taking care of her for me. 271 00:10:34,702 --> 00:10:35,869 WOMAN: You're welcome. 272 00:10:35,903 --> 00:10:37,237 He's a cat lover? 273 00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:38,906 It was like finding out 274 00:10:38,939 --> 00:10:41,441 that Saddam Hussein collected Cabbage Patch Kids. 275 00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:43,043 CARUSO: Who's a good kitty? 276 00:10:43,076 --> 00:10:45,679 I love you. Yes, I do. 277 00:10:45,713 --> 00:10:46,747 You curious, kitty? 278 00:10:46,780 --> 00:10:49,182 I love you. You want to go home? 279 00:10:49,216 --> 00:10:50,450 (cat meows) See your new mommy? 280 00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:53,921 I figured that with Caruso, this pet would be all white. 281 00:10:53,954 --> 00:10:55,956 Let's go home and meet your new mommy. 282 00:10:58,491 --> 00:11:00,728 Yes. 283 00:11:00,761 --> 00:11:03,263 While I was on Caruso's tail, 284 00:11:03,296 --> 00:11:05,465 my mother was about to get on Drew's behind. 285 00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:07,901 Why did I tell you not to wear this gown? 286 00:11:07,935 --> 00:11:10,270 'Cause I'd mess it up. And what happened? 287 00:11:10,303 --> 00:11:12,472 I messed it up. I tried to tell him... 288 00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:13,306 ROCHELLE: Girl, when I'm ready 289 00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:15,743 to talk to you, I will let you know. 290 00:11:15,776 --> 00:11:18,211 What am I supposed to do with this, Drew? 291 00:11:18,245 --> 00:11:20,080 Can you fix it? 292 00:11:20,113 --> 00:11:21,248 Can you fix it? 293 00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:22,382 I shouldn't have to fix it. 294 00:11:22,415 --> 00:11:25,719 That's why I told you not to wear it in the first place. 295 00:11:25,753 --> 00:11:26,486 And back to you. 296 00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:27,620 What in the world 297 00:11:27,654 --> 00:11:29,923 would possess you to throw ice cream on your brother? 298 00:11:29,957 --> 00:11:32,960 Because he's always teasing me because he's graduating, 299 00:11:32,993 --> 00:11:34,294 and I'm not. 300 00:11:34,327 --> 00:11:35,462 I'm sick of him. 301 00:11:35,495 --> 00:11:37,965 (sighs) Baby, it's just his turn. 302 00:11:37,998 --> 00:11:39,833 One day, you're gonna graduate, 303 00:11:39,867 --> 00:11:42,502 and if your father has anything to do with it, 304 00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:45,072 you will be getting on everybody's nerves. 305 00:11:45,105 --> 00:11:46,139 Trust me. 306 00:11:46,173 --> 00:11:48,942 But baby, until then, you just have to be patient. 307 00:11:48,976 --> 00:11:52,746 But when Drew leaves Dolemite, who's gonna walk me to school? 308 00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:55,382 Even though Tonya was a menace to society, 309 00:11:55,415 --> 00:11:57,751 she was still a little girl at heart. 310 00:11:57,785 --> 00:11:59,086 I will, Tonya. 311 00:11:59,119 --> 00:12:00,520 I'm only going to Sanford. 312 00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:02,089 I can still walk you. 313 00:12:02,122 --> 00:12:04,024 You will? 314 00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:05,392 Yeah. 315 00:12:05,425 --> 00:12:08,028 I think you owe your brother an apology. 316 00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:09,529 I'm sorry. 317 00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:12,933 And I think you owe your sister an apology. 318 00:12:12,966 --> 00:12:14,968 Don't look at me like that. 319 00:12:15,002 --> 00:12:16,436 I'm sorry for teasing you. 320 00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:17,805 ROCHELLE: Okay. 321 00:12:17,838 --> 00:12:19,807 So now that you're sorry, 322 00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:23,510 and you're sorry, I'm gonna be sorry, too. 323 00:12:23,543 --> 00:12:25,813 Oh, yeah, take it upstairs. 324 00:12:25,846 --> 00:12:26,847 That day, my mother performed 325 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:30,250 Bed-Stuy's first synchronized behind beating. 326 00:12:30,283 --> 00:12:32,252 Mr. Omar's drain was still clogged, 327 00:12:32,285 --> 00:12:34,287 so my father kept plugging away. 328 00:12:34,321 --> 00:12:38,058 Don't you think you ought to call a plumber? 329 00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:40,160 I told you, I don't need a plumber. 330 00:12:40,193 --> 00:12:41,461 Not when I got this. 331 00:12:41,494 --> 00:12:43,831 "Custodian in a Conga"? 332 00:12:43,864 --> 00:12:44,965 Yeah, Custodian in a Conga. 333 00:12:44,998 --> 00:12:47,067 I mean, it's like Janitor in a Drum, 334 00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:50,403 only it's 30% stronger, and 20% less. 335 00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:53,473 Well, it better work 30% faster, 'cause I need my sink. 336 00:12:53,506 --> 00:12:55,542 Watch this. 337 00:12:57,144 --> 00:12:59,046 (sizzling) 338 00:12:59,079 --> 00:13:01,581 Some day, Al Gore is gonna trace global warming 339 00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:03,817 back to that sink. 340 00:13:03,851 --> 00:13:05,018 Finding out 341 00:13:05,052 --> 00:13:06,854 that Caruso loved cats was one thing. 342 00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:10,157 Finding out how to use it against him was something else. 343 00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:12,225 Maybe you could kidnap one of his cats, 344 00:13:12,259 --> 00:13:14,828 hold him for ransom, and when he doesn't send the money, 345 00:13:14,862 --> 00:13:16,529 you could cut off one of the cat's ears, 346 00:13:16,563 --> 00:13:18,531 send it to him in a plain brown wrapper 347 00:13:18,565 --> 00:13:20,033 just to let him know you're serious. 348 00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:21,601 At that moment, I was happy 349 00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:23,536 that I'd always been nice to Greg. 350 00:13:23,570 --> 00:13:24,838 What the heck is this? 351 00:13:24,872 --> 00:13:26,073 Banacek. 352 00:13:26,106 --> 00:13:27,374 I'm mixing it up. 353 00:13:27,407 --> 00:13:28,575 I don't know, man. 354 00:13:28,608 --> 00:13:30,377 Maybe this isn't such a good idea. 355 00:13:30,410 --> 00:13:31,311 What are you talking about? 356 00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:33,246 I just wish Caruso would leave me alone, 357 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:35,248 and I feel like if I get my revenge, 358 00:13:35,282 --> 00:13:36,850 I'll be no better than him. 359 00:13:36,884 --> 00:13:37,617 Yeah, I guess you're right. 360 00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:39,252 You should be the bigger man. 361 00:13:39,286 --> 00:13:40,253 You should just forget 362 00:13:40,287 --> 00:13:42,455 about that time he hit you with paint balloons. 363 00:13:42,489 --> 00:13:44,524 Or about the time he egged you on Halloween. 364 00:13:44,557 --> 00:13:47,060 Or the time he stole your picture day clothes. 365 00:13:47,094 --> 00:13:49,930 Go ahead, let the cycle of violence continue. 366 00:13:49,963 --> 00:13:51,531 You know what they say. 367 00:13:51,564 --> 00:13:52,632 What do they say? 368 00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:54,334 All it takes for evil to prevail 369 00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:57,270 is for a few good men to do nothing. 370 00:13:57,304 --> 00:13:59,172 Out of my way, Count Chocula. 371 00:13:59,206 --> 00:14:00,540 I got places to be. 372 00:14:00,573 --> 00:14:02,175 You're a better man than me. 373 00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:05,212 Oh, we'll see about that. 374 00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:11,484 Since my father hadn't fixed the sink, 375 00:14:11,518 --> 00:14:12,986 Mr. Omar decided to fix him. 376 00:14:13,020 --> 00:14:14,587 Slumlord?! What? 377 00:14:14,621 --> 00:14:18,125 Mr. Omar contacted the Housing Authority 378 00:14:18,158 --> 00:14:20,627 and said that we're refusing to maintain the apartment. 379 00:14:20,660 --> 00:14:22,595 You should call the Housing Authority 380 00:14:22,629 --> 00:14:24,431 about his blacklight panther poster. 381 00:14:24,464 --> 00:14:26,666 Well, Julius, you got two choices. 382 00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:28,368 Either call a lawyer, 383 00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:29,569 or call a plumber. 384 00:14:29,602 --> 00:14:33,907 Good thing they don't sell Johnnie Cochran in a Can. 385 00:14:33,941 --> 00:14:36,376 On the next-to-last day of school, I felt like 386 00:14:36,409 --> 00:14:39,246 I was about to get on with the rest of my life 387 00:14:39,279 --> 00:14:40,480 without being bothered by Caruso. 388 00:14:40,513 --> 00:14:42,649 So, you figured out what we're gonna do yet? 389 00:14:42,682 --> 00:14:43,683 Yup. Cool. 390 00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:45,118 So when do we start? 391 00:14:45,152 --> 00:14:46,586 It's not we this time, Greg. 392 00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:48,321 I have to do this by myself. 393 00:14:48,355 --> 00:14:50,958 If something goes wrong, I can't have you getting in trouble. 394 00:14:50,991 --> 00:14:53,526 This is just like Doughboy and Tré in Boys 'n the Hood. 395 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:55,528 You don't have to do that. 396 00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:57,230 We're in this together. Not this time. 397 00:14:57,264 --> 00:14:59,299 If you say so. 398 00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:01,334 So, what are you gonna do? 399 00:15:01,368 --> 00:15:04,071 If I tell you, I have to kill you. 400 00:15:04,104 --> 00:15:05,272 You're joking, right? 401 00:15:05,305 --> 00:15:06,473 No. 402 00:15:06,506 --> 00:15:07,975 Not even a little. 403 00:15:08,008 --> 00:15:09,042 (bell ringing) 404 00:15:09,076 --> 00:15:11,144 (indistinct chatter) 405 00:15:11,178 --> 00:15:14,714 The best part about my revenge was that Caruso would pay, 406 00:15:14,747 --> 00:15:16,716 and nobody would get hurt. 407 00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:19,987 (Public Enemy's "Welcome to the Terrordome" plays) 408 00:15:22,089 --> 00:15:25,692 * This is a journey 409 00:15:25,725 --> 00:15:28,962 * I got so much trouble on my mind * 410 00:15:28,996 --> 00:15:30,397 * Refuse to lose 411 00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:33,033 * Here's your ticket 412 00:15:33,066 --> 00:15:34,968 * Hear the drummer get wicked 413 00:15:35,002 --> 00:15:37,370 * The crew to you to push the back to Black attack * 414 00:15:37,404 --> 00:15:39,272 * So I sat... then slapped the Mac * 415 00:15:39,306 --> 00:15:40,707 * Now I'm ready to mic it 416 00:15:40,740 --> 00:15:44,011 * You know I like it * * Huh 417 00:15:44,044 --> 00:15:46,079 * Hear my favoritism roll "Oh" 418 00:15:46,113 --> 00:15:48,448 * Never be a brother like me go solo * 419 00:15:48,481 --> 00:15:50,450 * Lazer, anastasia, maze ya 420 00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:52,352 * Ways to blaze your brain and train ya * 421 00:15:52,385 --> 00:15:54,254 * The way I'm livin', forgivin' what I'm givin' up * 422 00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:57,024 * Respect's been givin' how's ya livin' * 423 00:15:57,057 --> 00:15:59,459 * Now I can't protect a paid off defect * 424 00:15:59,492 --> 00:16:02,162 * Check the record an reckon an intentional wreck * 425 00:16:02,195 --> 00:16:03,596 * Played off as some intellect 426 00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:06,433 * Made the call, took the fall, broke the laws * 427 00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:09,036 * Not my fault that they're fallin' off * 428 00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:11,704 * Known as fair and square throughout my years * 429 00:16:11,738 --> 00:16:13,240 * So I growl at the livin' foul * 430 00:16:13,273 --> 00:16:16,109 * Black to the bone, my home is your home * 431 00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:17,677 * But welcome to the Terrordome * 432 00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:19,479 * Number one jam * Get down * 433 00:16:22,249 --> 00:16:25,318 * Come on down * Get down * 434 00:16:25,352 --> 00:16:27,720 * Come on down... 435 00:16:34,127 --> 00:16:36,729 My deed was done, and at home, my dad was undone. 436 00:16:36,763 --> 00:16:38,265 Here you go. 437 00:16:38,298 --> 00:16:39,566 $268? 438 00:16:39,599 --> 00:16:41,268 To unclog a drain? 439 00:16:41,301 --> 00:16:43,603 It wasn't just a clogged drain. 440 00:16:43,636 --> 00:16:46,806 I had to replace a U pipe, your trap, washers, 441 00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:48,441 your valves. 442 00:16:48,475 --> 00:16:50,810 What the hell you been pouring down that drain anyway? 443 00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:52,479 It smells like hot sauce. 444 00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:54,281 It's Drainada. 445 00:16:54,314 --> 00:16:56,416 Spanish Drano? Sí, Señor. 446 00:16:56,449 --> 00:16:58,351 Do me a favor-- keep using that stuff. 447 00:16:58,385 --> 00:17:00,420 It's good for business. 448 00:17:00,453 --> 00:17:02,489 Do you take coupons? 449 00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:05,358 Tragic, tragic! 450 00:17:05,392 --> 00:17:06,659 (mutters) 451 00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:08,661 (applause) 452 00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:11,264 All it took for my mother to clean Drew's gown 453 00:17:11,298 --> 00:17:14,467 was a pair of scissors and a well-placed scarf. 454 00:17:14,501 --> 00:17:15,668 Let's hear it 455 00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:19,339 for our most popular student with a 2.0 grade point average, 456 00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:20,273 Drew! 457 00:17:20,307 --> 00:17:22,109 (applause and cheering) That's my brother! 458 00:17:24,411 --> 00:17:25,512 Where'd he get that? 459 00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:27,747 With that plumbing bill, I hope I didn't pay for it. 460 00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:30,117 I made it from what was left of his gown. 461 00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:30,983 Hey, Drew! 462 00:17:31,017 --> 00:17:33,653 My family didn't get this excited 463 00:17:33,686 --> 00:17:36,789 about anything I did until my first HBO special. 464 00:17:36,823 --> 00:17:40,327 The next day I found out I had taken revenge 465 00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:42,662 to a whole new level. 466 00:17:42,695 --> 00:17:44,631 (clamoring voices) 467 00:17:44,664 --> 00:17:49,502 * School's out forever 468 00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:56,376 * School's been blown to pieces... * 469 00:17:56,409 --> 00:17:58,378 REPORTER: We're standing outside Corleone Junior High, 470 00:17:58,411 --> 00:17:59,446 where just an hour ago, 471 00:17:59,479 --> 00:18:01,648 toxic fumes filled the hallways and... 472 00:18:01,681 --> 00:18:04,317 You're not telling me we're supposed to go back in there? 473 00:18:04,351 --> 00:18:06,319 That is an awful smell. It's not toxic. 474 00:18:06,353 --> 00:18:08,188 It's somewhere on the first floor, maybe the locker. 475 00:18:08,221 --> 00:18:09,389 (sobbing) 476 00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:14,761 What's that? 477 00:18:14,794 --> 00:18:16,129 (yowling) 478 00:18:16,163 --> 00:18:21,401 * No more teachers' dirty looks... * 479 00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:24,404 Where is she going? 480 00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:27,807 (gasps) Oh, my God! 481 00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:29,842 (meowing) GREG: It's like that movie 482 00:18:29,876 --> 00:18:31,511 The Birds. 483 00:18:31,544 --> 00:18:33,346 Except with cats. 484 00:18:33,380 --> 00:18:34,514 That's my locker. 485 00:18:34,547 --> 00:18:36,549 Open it. 486 00:18:37,884 --> 00:18:40,653 (cans clattering) 487 00:18:40,687 --> 00:18:42,622 Looks like we've got ourselves a little practical joker. 488 00:18:42,655 --> 00:18:43,790 You think this is funny? 489 00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:45,858 I do. 490 00:18:48,595 --> 00:18:50,430 There's cat food in the heating ducts. 491 00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:52,432 In the desks. 492 00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:53,400 All over. 493 00:18:53,433 --> 00:18:55,168 I didn't do this. 494 00:18:55,202 --> 00:18:57,404 Oh, really? You think because this is the last day 495 00:18:57,437 --> 00:18:59,172 of school, you're gonna get away with this? 496 00:18:59,206 --> 00:19:00,540 You're sadly mistaken. 497 00:19:00,573 --> 00:19:03,343 Not only are you not going to get away with it, 498 00:19:03,376 --> 00:19:05,178 you'll be paying for this all summer. 499 00:19:05,212 --> 00:19:06,646 What?! 500 00:19:08,248 --> 00:19:12,151 Revenge might be cold, but I felt warm all over. 501 00:19:15,755 --> 00:19:17,257 So how'd it go in there? 502 00:19:17,290 --> 00:19:19,359 I don't got time for you, Bean Pie. 503 00:19:19,392 --> 00:19:21,361 Bean Pie? Oh, I got your Bean Pie. 504 00:19:21,394 --> 00:19:23,596 That's why you're spending the rest of the summer in detention. 505 00:19:23,630 --> 00:19:24,964 What do you know about that? 506 00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:27,400 Well, I know that this time you got detention. 507 00:19:27,434 --> 00:19:29,502 Next time you might get kicked out of school. 508 00:19:29,536 --> 00:19:30,570 You set me up? 509 00:19:30,603 --> 00:19:33,406 Could have been me, or it could have been anybody. 510 00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:35,508 All I know is that if I was you, 511 00:19:35,542 --> 00:19:36,943 I wouldn't mess with me again. 512 00:19:36,976 --> 00:19:39,546 See you in September, Spanky. 513 00:19:40,780 --> 00:19:41,748 Oh, Chris. 514 00:19:41,781 --> 00:19:43,616 I was just coming to see you. 515 00:19:43,650 --> 00:19:45,285 You were? Why? 516 00:19:45,318 --> 00:19:46,553 I've got some bad news. 517 00:19:46,586 --> 00:19:47,920 You failed Science. 518 00:19:47,954 --> 00:19:49,622 You have to go to summer school. 519 00:19:49,656 --> 00:19:50,457 Summer school?! 520 00:19:50,490 --> 00:19:52,592 Perhaps next year you'll study harder. 521 00:19:54,827 --> 00:19:57,597 See you Monday... Booger. 522 00:19:59,499 --> 00:20:01,801 Can't we all just get along? 523 00:20:01,834 --> 00:20:06,839 * Everybody hates Chris... 524 00:20:10,643 --> 00:20:14,647 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org