1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:00:40,811 --> 00:00:42,686 - Get a warrant. - You know I don't need one. 2 00:00:42,770 --> 00:00:44,395 I saw you refilled your pond; that puts you 3 00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:45,936 way over your monthly allowance. 4 00:00:46,020 --> 00:00:47,561 - So sue me. - We have! 5 00:00:47,645 --> 00:00:50,311 You owe $150,000 in fines this year alone. 6 00:00:50,395 --> 00:00:51,603 Which I have paid! 7 00:00:51,686 --> 00:00:53,395 I don't need this constant harassment! 8 00:00:53,478 --> 00:00:55,936 Wayne Newton's got seven fountains! 9 00:00:56,020 --> 00:00:58,770 Could you remind Ms. Vance that, legally, 10 00:00:58,853 --> 00:01:00,978 she cannot stop me from checking her water meter? 11 00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:03,436 And could you please remind this "water cop" 12 00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:05,561 that I have more pressing issues to attend to, 13 00:01:05,645 --> 00:01:09,353 like an unnecessarily long shower? 14 00:01:14,270 --> 00:01:15,520 If you come around the side, 15 00:01:15,603 --> 00:01:17,228 I'll unlock the gate from the back. 16 00:01:17,311 --> 00:01:19,520 Thank you. 17 00:01:25,228 --> 00:01:26,353 - Hot, hot! - Thank you. 18 00:01:26,436 --> 00:01:27,603 Accidentally touched the lip. 19 00:01:27,686 --> 00:01:28,895 Okay. 20 00:01:28,978 --> 00:01:30,811 Think that's a hair, okay. 21 00:01:33,228 --> 00:01:34,728 - Kayla? - Mm-hmm? 22 00:01:34,811 --> 00:01:35,978 What is in this coffee? 23 00:01:36,061 --> 00:01:37,478 Half-and-half and sugar. 24 00:01:37,561 --> 00:01:38,895 - Well, Splenda. - Okay. 25 00:01:38,978 --> 00:01:40,311 A couple of Splendas. 26 00:01:40,395 --> 00:01:41,853 That's not sugar. It's all chemicals. 27 00:01:41,936 --> 00:01:43,311 - Yeah. - And I take natural sugar. 28 00:01:43,395 --> 00:01:45,061 - Yeah, brain... - All right... 29 00:01:45,145 --> 00:01:46,436 F-A-R-T. 30 00:01:48,478 --> 00:01:50,395 Is your phone ringing or something? 31 00:01:50,478 --> 00:01:53,311 I don't know. Let's find out. 32 00:01:53,395 --> 00:01:55,686 Jimmy Lusaque, Junior's office. Jimmy speaking. 33 00:01:55,770 --> 00:01:57,686 Hey, buddy, how's it going? 34 00:01:57,770 --> 00:01:59,186 Did you get that dog I sent you? 35 00:01:59,270 --> 00:02:00,603 Yeah, I don't need another dog. 36 00:02:00,686 --> 00:02:01,978 I have one and he hates me. 37 00:02:02,061 --> 00:02:03,603 What's going on with you? 38 00:02:03,686 --> 00:02:05,145 Why do you keep sending me Petfinder links? 39 00:02:05,228 --> 00:02:06,645 Well, 40 00:02:06,728 --> 00:02:08,978 - I'm pretty lonely, my man. - Mm, that's sad. 41 00:02:09,061 --> 00:02:10,603 How's it going archiving for Deborah? 42 00:02:10,686 --> 00:02:11,936 So painful. 43 00:02:12,020 --> 00:02:13,353 The coolest thing she's ever done 44 00:02:13,436 --> 00:02:17,020 is cohost New Year's Rockin' Eve in 2000. 45 00:02:17,103 --> 00:02:19,561 2001 wasn't as good, but I don't know. 46 00:02:19,645 --> 00:02:21,478 Maybe that's just 'cause I knew 9/11 was coming. 47 00:02:21,561 --> 00:02:23,645 Come on, Deborah's done plenty of cool stuff. 48 00:02:23,728 --> 00:02:25,395 I mean, she started the gay cruise trend. 49 00:02:25,478 --> 00:02:27,686 You love LGBTQAI stuff. 50 00:02:27,770 --> 00:02:30,436 Speaking of which, how's Ruby? 51 00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:32,353 Well, we broke up three months ago. 52 00:02:32,436 --> 00:02:35,353 - So I think you'll have to ask her. - I'm sorry. Hey, look, 53 00:02:35,436 --> 00:02:36,895 if you're just calling to shoot the shit, 54 00:02:36,978 --> 00:02:38,686 love you, bless you, but I'll call you back. 55 00:02:38,770 --> 00:02:40,145 All righty, ciao. 56 00:02:40,228 --> 00:02:41,770 Okay, ciao for now. 57 00:02:41,853 --> 00:02:44,811 - Here you go, prince. - Hey, thank you so much. 58 00:02:44,895 --> 00:02:46,603 Yum! 59 00:02:46,686 --> 00:02:49,728 Kay. Not "yum," weird and bizarre. 60 00:02:49,811 --> 00:02:51,436 - What is in this one? - Honey! 61 00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:53,395 You said natural. It comes from bears. 62 00:02:53,478 --> 00:02:55,770 - Oof, Kayla... - Knock, knock. 63 00:02:55,853 --> 00:02:59,603 - Michael! Hi! - Daddy! Daddy's at work! 64 00:02:59,686 --> 00:03:01,436 So how's my baby girl doing? 65 00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:04,853 She's unbelievable. Really special, special. 66 00:03:04,936 --> 00:03:08,436 You know, she specifically requested to be on your desk. 67 00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:09,895 - She did? - Yeah. 68 00:03:09,978 --> 00:03:12,020 You almost got stuck with some Harvard nerd, 69 00:03:12,103 --> 00:03:14,728 always bragging about his Fulbright. 70 00:03:14,811 --> 00:03:17,811 God, that would have been so annoying! 71 00:03:20,978 --> 00:03:24,061 - Let's go do lunch! - Absolutely, sugar plum. 72 00:03:24,145 --> 00:03:25,603 Hold down the fort, Jimmy Junior. 73 00:03:25,686 --> 00:03:27,866 - You got it, Michael. - "Hold down the fort, Jimmy Junior!" 74 00:03:27,867 --> 00:03:31,436 Okay. Could you bring back lunch for me, please? 75 00:03:45,186 --> 00:03:46,853 Huh. 76 00:03:48,686 --> 00:03:51,520 Hello? 77 00:03:54,186 --> 00:03:56,436 Oh, shit. 78 00:03:59,853 --> 00:04:01,811 Mm, donate. 79 00:04:01,895 --> 00:04:03,853 Oh, do you like these? 80 00:04:03,936 --> 00:04:05,686 Hmm, not my style. 81 00:04:05,770 --> 00:04:08,103 I like a pant with a stirrup. 82 00:04:08,186 --> 00:04:09,603 Okay. 83 00:04:09,686 --> 00:04:10,811 Mom! 84 00:04:10,895 --> 00:04:14,395 I mean, come on! 85 00:04:14,478 --> 00:04:16,311 - This is... this sucks! - No, no. 86 00:04:16,395 --> 00:04:17,645 It's chic. It's very elegant. 87 00:04:17,728 --> 00:04:19,853 It's very Gina Lollobrigida. 88 00:04:19,936 --> 00:04:21,145 Who? No. 89 00:04:21,228 --> 00:04:22,645 This is... I look like an asshole. 90 00:04:22,728 --> 00:04:25,436 Just give it to stupid Marcus, or donate it. 91 00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:27,103 Some things are too nice to donate. 92 00:04:27,186 --> 00:04:28,895 Well, not this. 93 00:04:28,978 --> 00:04:31,228 Okay, look, I'll take your heirlooms 94 00:04:31,311 --> 00:04:35,061 if you promise to wear one of my chokers on stage, and a big one. 95 00:04:35,145 --> 00:04:36,978 Now, the dress is working, you know? 96 00:04:37,061 --> 00:04:38,811 What's not working is your eyebrows. 97 00:04:38,895 --> 00:04:40,395 What? Mom! 98 00:04:40,478 --> 00:04:42,145 I keep telling you, you've got to extend them 99 00:04:42,228 --> 00:04:43,645 - a bit with a pencil. - Oh, my God. 100 00:04:43,728 --> 00:04:45,020 Right there, they just kind of peter out. 101 00:04:45,103 --> 00:04:46,103 Pencil, a little pencil. 102 00:04:46,186 --> 00:04:47,186 I've been using the serum. 103 00:04:47,228 --> 00:04:48,311 It just takes time. 104 00:04:48,395 --> 00:04:49,978 Josefina, can you, please? 105 00:04:50,061 --> 00:04:51,692 I'm just here for a blazer. 106 00:04:51,693 --> 00:04:54,686 I told you you were gonna regret over-tweezing in the '90s. 107 00:04:54,770 --> 00:04:56,811 The only thing I regret from the '90s 108 00:04:56,895 --> 00:04:58,728 is not getting frickin' emancipated. 109 00:04:58,811 --> 00:05:01,436 You know, DJ, I have had a morning with the water cop, 110 00:05:01,520 --> 00:05:03,436 so don't start with me. 111 00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:05,753 I'm sorry you mismanaged your pond! 112 00:05:05,836 --> 00:05:08,061 I don't mismanage my pond. I pay people to manage my pond. 113 00:05:08,145 --> 00:05:10,186 Then you mismanaged the people who manage your pond. 114 00:05:10,270 --> 00:05:11,895 What are you doing? 115 00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:14,020 Yes, you. I can see you in the mirror. 116 00:05:14,103 --> 00:05:16,103 Oh, um... 117 00:05:16,186 --> 00:05:19,228 Sorry, special delivery. Just... this came for... 118 00:05:19,311 --> 00:05:22,853 I... I can just leave it by the door. 119 00:05:22,996 --> 00:05:24,246 Who's it from? 120 00:05:24,330 --> 00:05:27,163 I... I think it's from your sister? 121 00:05:27,246 --> 00:05:28,496 Oh, shit. 122 00:05:30,663 --> 00:05:32,288 Throw it out. 123 00:05:32,371 --> 00:05:34,121 And don't come back up here again. 124 00:05:34,246 --> 00:05:36,121 Okay, sorry. 125 00:05:42,330 --> 00:05:43,788 Hey. 126 00:05:44,913 --> 00:05:46,205 If it would make you feel better, 127 00:05:46,288 --> 00:05:50,246 I'd be happy to take your diamond tennis bracelet. 128 00:05:51,621 --> 00:05:53,496 I told you, you'll get that when I'm dead. 129 00:05:53,580 --> 00:05:55,288 Okay. 130 00:05:55,913 --> 00:05:58,913 I will be reaching out when I know the penalty, 131 00:05:58,996 --> 00:06:00,246 and I'll be back in, like, a month. 132 00:06:00,330 --> 00:06:02,330 - I'll be here. - Good to know. 133 00:06:02,413 --> 00:06:04,580 - Have a good day. - You too. 134 00:06:06,955 --> 00:06:08,371 Who was that? 135 00:06:08,455 --> 00:06:10,830 It's just Wilson. He's such a pain in our ass. 136 00:06:10,913 --> 00:06:13,163 "Our ass"? 137 00:06:13,246 --> 00:06:14,788 You and Deborah share an ass? 138 00:06:14,871 --> 00:06:16,413 Is there something I can help you with? 139 00:06:16,496 --> 00:06:18,455 Oh, yeah. She told me to throw this away, 140 00:06:18,538 --> 00:06:20,371 but should I? It's from her sister. 141 00:06:20,455 --> 00:06:21,996 Wait, what? 142 00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:24,205 You brought this to her? 143 00:06:24,288 --> 00:06:26,246 Yeah, she was so nice about it. 144 00:06:26,330 --> 00:06:27,871 Sweet woman. 145 00:06:27,955 --> 00:06:29,996 Kathy's never sent anything before. 146 00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:31,663 I can't believe she's not curious. 147 00:06:31,746 --> 00:06:33,288 Well, her husband left her for her own sister, 148 00:06:33,371 --> 00:06:34,705 and then Deborah burned down his house, 149 00:06:34,788 --> 00:06:36,288 so let's call it a sore spot. 150 00:06:36,371 --> 00:06:38,496 Yeah, but she makes jokes about it constantly, 151 00:06:38,580 --> 00:06:40,330 plus that was, like, 100 years ago. 152 00:06:40,413 --> 00:06:42,496 Well, I guess you've got it all figured out. 153 00:06:42,580 --> 00:06:45,105 You... you're not gonna open it? 154 00:06:45,188 --> 00:06:47,225 - No. - What if there's a gift card in there? 155 00:06:47,226 --> 00:06:48,830 She said throw it away. 156 00:06:48,913 --> 00:06:51,330 And I believe you have some archiving to do. 157 00:06:51,413 --> 00:06:52,996 And I'd like it done soon. We're putting together 158 00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:54,913 a "Best of Deborah" DVD for the anniversary show. 159 00:06:54,996 --> 00:06:56,205 Yeah, I'll get right on that. 160 00:06:56,288 --> 00:06:59,371 A lot of money in DVDs right now. 161 00:06:59,455 --> 00:07:03,038 Sorry, I just don't love running tech in the basement all day. 162 00:07:03,121 --> 00:07:04,663 Well, we do have a gig later, so I'm sure 163 00:07:04,746 --> 00:07:07,538 you'll get to display your genius there. 164 00:07:09,288 --> 00:07:12,746 Great, I'll be by the water heater if you need me. 165 00:07:29,288 --> 00:07:31,080 I love being in London. 166 00:07:31,163 --> 00:07:33,538 But everything is so different here. 167 00:07:33,621 --> 00:07:35,163 You know, in America, if I wanna drive 168 00:07:35,246 --> 00:07:36,663 on the wrong side of the road, 169 00:07:36,746 --> 00:07:38,913 I gotta get in the car with Billy Joel. 170 00:07:41,205 --> 00:07:45,246 No, really, I don't love cooking, but I do hate it. 171 00:07:45,330 --> 00:07:47,580 Last night, I tried to make collard greens. 172 00:07:47,663 --> 00:07:49,913 This morning, I woke up to a cease and desist 173 00:07:49,996 --> 00:07:51,705 from the NAACP. 174 00:07:54,080 --> 00:07:56,038 Damn! 175 00:07:58,705 --> 00:08:00,288 Now, her career is going up in flames 176 00:08:00,371 --> 00:08:03,038 faster than my ex-husband's garage. 177 00:08:03,121 --> 00:08:04,746 Duraflame. 178 00:08:04,830 --> 00:08:08,121 Starts faster, burns longer. 179 00:08:08,205 --> 00:08:10,996 Take it from me, someone who really knows 180 00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:12,746 how to set the night on fire. 181 00:08:12,830 --> 00:08:15,580 Now, the pilgrims had the right idea. 182 00:08:15,663 --> 00:08:17,288 Oh, oh, get over it. Oh, yeah, 183 00:08:17,371 --> 00:08:19,663 like you wouldn't grab Patrick Swayze's ass. 184 00:08:19,746 --> 00:08:22,288 Well, Jimmy Crack Corn and I do care. 185 00:09:31,246 --> 00:09:34,038 Oh, fuck, no! 186 00:09:46,580 --> 00:09:48,663 Okay, I think what we have here is a pretty classic 187 00:09:48,746 --> 00:09:51,205 generational misunderstanding, you know? 188 00:09:51,288 --> 00:09:54,996 It's very normal for people my age to send nudes. 189 00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:59,288 It's... it's about having agency over our sexuality. 190 00:09:59,371 --> 00:10:00,955 Oh, I'm not judging you. 191 00:10:01,038 --> 00:10:03,330 I mean, I just don't think you need to send a boy a nude 192 00:10:03,413 --> 00:10:05,371 - just because he asked you to. - Okay, well, 193 00:10:05,455 --> 00:10:07,246 for your information, it was a girl, 194 00:10:07,330 --> 00:10:08,705 and she didn't ask me to. 195 00:10:08,788 --> 00:10:10,788 Oh, no. 196 00:10:10,871 --> 00:10:12,746 Just do it when you're off the clock. 197 00:10:12,830 --> 00:10:14,371 Would you do that if you worked in a bank? 198 00:10:14,455 --> 00:10:16,871 It depends, am I the president of this bank? 199 00:10:16,955 --> 00:10:18,830 'Cause then I'm probably a white-collar criminal. 200 00:10:18,913 --> 00:10:20,663 I'm doing way worse than sending nudes. 201 00:10:20,746 --> 00:10:21,830 No! 202 00:10:21,913 --> 00:10:24,913 You read more like a junior teller. 203 00:10:24,996 --> 00:10:30,663 Just don't do it on my time or in my chair. 204 00:10:31,746 --> 00:10:33,705 It's an antique. 205 00:10:33,788 --> 00:10:35,455 Deal. 206 00:10:37,330 --> 00:10:38,580 Hey. Was traffic all right? 207 00:10:38,663 --> 00:10:40,413 Yeah, not bad. Are they ready? 208 00:10:40,496 --> 00:10:42,913 Yeah, Phil from corporate and the photographers are inside. 209 00:10:42,996 --> 00:10:44,455 Do you want to do touch-ups in the bathroom? 210 00:10:44,538 --> 00:10:46,246 - Yeah, sure that's fine. - All right. 211 00:10:47,996 --> 00:10:50,788 Wait, what? A pizza place? 212 00:10:50,871 --> 00:10:53,413 What I'm I supposed to be doing here for you? 213 00:10:53,496 --> 00:10:56,121 It's a grand opening. So there's press. 214 00:10:56,205 --> 00:10:59,080 So pitch me some one-liners and some bits. 215 00:10:59,163 --> 00:11:01,871 Like about pizzas and calzones? 216 00:11:01,955 --> 00:11:03,746 They don't have calzones. 217 00:11:04,663 --> 00:11:05,955 A gig's a gig, honey. 218 00:11:06,038 --> 00:11:08,038 Hello! My Little Debbies! 219 00:11:09,955 --> 00:11:11,788 Hey, bitch, you know where to sign me! 220 00:11:11,871 --> 00:11:13,080 Hey, how are you? Oh, honey, 221 00:11:13,163 --> 00:11:15,246 I'm so glad you're better. 222 00:11:15,330 --> 00:11:18,038 Jesus, I can't believe this is what she's doing today. 223 00:11:18,121 --> 00:11:19,996 The opening of a pizza franchise? 224 00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:21,538 Is it seriously worth it? 225 00:11:21,621 --> 00:11:23,913 It's worth about 100 grand and some stock. 226 00:11:23,996 --> 00:11:25,538 - 100 grand? - And some stock. 227 00:11:25,621 --> 00:11:29,621 Jesus Christ, that's like my mortgage for, like, two years. 228 00:11:29,705 --> 00:11:31,538 Or is it four? 229 00:11:32,496 --> 00:11:33,955 You're a homeowner? 230 00:11:34,038 --> 00:11:36,746 Yeah, I own a townhouse in LA. 231 00:11:36,830 --> 00:11:39,038 An amazing city I am no longer in. 232 00:11:39,121 --> 00:11:40,663 Are you renting it? 233 00:11:40,746 --> 00:11:43,871 No, 'cause I don't know when I'm gonna be back. 234 00:11:43,955 --> 00:11:45,955 All right, put your address into Zillow. 235 00:11:46,038 --> 00:11:47,955 This is my curse. I can't just sit and watch 236 00:11:48,038 --> 00:11:50,663 someone miss an opportunity like this. 237 00:11:50,746 --> 00:11:52,413 Just glad my grandfather isn't around to see me help 238 00:11:52,496 --> 00:11:54,371 some white girl make passive income. 239 00:11:55,830 --> 00:11:57,496 This is cute. 240 00:11:57,580 --> 00:11:59,163 Oh, you paid too much. 241 00:11:59,246 --> 00:12:00,496 Yeah, I know. 242 00:12:00,580 --> 00:12:02,996 All right, I'm gonna help you rent this. 243 00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:04,163 I'll make some calls. 244 00:12:04,246 --> 00:12:06,288 Really? Man, that's... 245 00:12:06,371 --> 00:12:07,621 that's actually really nice. 246 00:12:07,705 --> 00:12:09,955 Oh, I will be taking a monthly fee. 247 00:12:10,038 --> 00:12:12,121 Okay. 248 00:12:12,205 --> 00:12:13,996 Oh, you have service. I don't. 249 00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:15,330 There's no way I could log in 250 00:12:15,413 --> 00:12:16,705 to my Instagram on your phone, right? 251 00:12:16,788 --> 00:12:18,496 Absolutely not. 252 00:12:18,580 --> 00:12:20,621 Okay, thanks. 253 00:12:20,705 --> 00:12:22,621 - Damien? - Mm, sorry. 254 00:12:22,705 --> 00:12:24,413 I don't have unlimited data. 255 00:12:24,496 --> 00:12:27,246 - One, two, three! - Okay. 256 00:12:29,705 --> 00:12:32,705 Hey, my Little Debbies, pizza's on me! 257 00:12:35,163 --> 00:12:37,371 Hey, do you guys have Wi-Fi? 258 00:12:37,455 --> 00:12:40,663 It's not set up yet, but they do next door at Gun Universe. 259 00:12:40,746 --> 00:12:43,205 Great. Do you know the password? 260 00:12:43,288 --> 00:12:45,955 "Lock her up." 261 00:12:46,038 --> 00:12:48,621 The signal's stronger outside. 262 00:12:48,705 --> 00:12:50,996 Hey, stop flirting. Get over here. 263 00:12:52,663 --> 00:12:54,580 - Do you have anything for me? - Yes. 264 00:12:54,663 --> 00:12:57,205 Okay, so I once did a 25-tweet thread 265 00:12:57,288 --> 00:12:59,163 from the perspective of my Lexapro, 266 00:12:59,246 --> 00:13:01,038 and it did really well, so I'm thinking, 267 00:13:01,121 --> 00:13:02,788 what if you do something from the perspective 268 00:13:02,871 --> 00:13:05,205 of the pizza ingredients? You know, like, 269 00:13:05,288 --> 00:13:08,080 what if the cheese and pepperoni have history? 270 00:13:08,163 --> 00:13:09,538 What? 271 00:13:09,621 --> 00:13:12,913 Or, I don't know, toss the dough in the air, 272 00:13:12,996 --> 00:13:15,246 try to get it to land on your head? 273 00:13:15,330 --> 00:13:17,413 Great. 274 00:13:17,496 --> 00:13:19,080 Okay. 275 00:13:20,371 --> 00:13:22,413 Whoa, you think these are big now? 276 00:13:22,496 --> 00:13:24,371 Wait till they rise! Heh! 277 00:13:31,330 --> 00:13:32,996 Fuck. 278 00:13:35,538 --> 00:13:37,413 Man, that smells good! All right, step right up. 279 00:13:37,496 --> 00:13:38,913 Anybody, don't be shy! What are you having? 280 00:13:38,996 --> 00:13:40,496 - Pepperoni! - Hey, so I can have a friend 281 00:13:40,580 --> 00:13:42,580 stage your place, but he needs a key to get in. 282 00:13:42,663 --> 00:13:44,413 Oh, you know what? My ex actually has a key, 283 00:13:44,496 --> 00:13:46,038 but can I use your phone to call her? 284 00:13:46,121 --> 00:13:47,788 I don't have service. Like, it's not going through 285 00:13:47,871 --> 00:13:49,371 - with my calls, I just... - All right, fine, fine, fine. 286 00:13:49,455 --> 00:13:50,871 - Just make it quick. - Thank you so much. 287 00:13:50,955 --> 00:13:53,371 - I really appreciate it. - Yeah. 288 00:14:00,746 --> 00:14:03,038 Hi, it's Ruby. Leave a message. 289 00:14:03,121 --> 00:14:04,455 Hey, it's Ava. 290 00:14:04,538 --> 00:14:07,330 So, first of all, 291 00:14:07,413 --> 00:14:10,205 just go ahead and disregard the picture I sent you. 292 00:14:10,288 --> 00:14:12,080 So just don't even... yeah, 293 00:14:12,163 --> 00:14:14,371 don't even... like it didn't even happen. 294 00:14:14,455 --> 00:14:17,121 I'm calling, actually, because you have a key 295 00:14:17,205 --> 00:14:19,038 to my apartment, and I need it, so if you 296 00:14:19,121 --> 00:14:20,538 could just call me back... 297 00:14:20,621 --> 00:14:22,538 That would be... oh, that's probably you. 298 00:14:25,288 --> 00:14:26,871 Okay, no, it's not. 299 00:14:26,955 --> 00:14:28,455 Oh, you know what? You're probably not picking up 300 00:14:28,538 --> 00:14:31,121 'cause it's a weird number. I'm gonna hang up and text you that it's me. 301 00:14:31,205 --> 00:14:33,455 I'm gonna call you right back. 302 00:14:33,538 --> 00:14:35,705 Okay. 303 00:14:40,746 --> 00:14:43,663 - Who is this? - Um, Ava. 304 00:14:43,746 --> 00:14:45,955 Oh, God. It's Fabriziana. 305 00:14:46,038 --> 00:14:47,371 Oh, hey, what's going on? 306 00:14:47,455 --> 00:14:48,538 I'm only picking up Ruby's phone 307 00:14:48,621 --> 00:14:49,996 because it keeps going off. 308 00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:51,580 - You just ruined a take. - Oh, shit. 309 00:14:51,663 --> 00:14:53,121 My bad. I'm sorry. 310 00:14:53,205 --> 00:14:55,330 Is it true you're working for Deborah Vance? 311 00:14:57,580 --> 00:15:01,121 Yeah, I mean, it's kind of research for something 312 00:15:01,205 --> 00:15:03,330 that I'm working... a project. 313 00:15:03,413 --> 00:15:06,288 So you're writing for her QVC show? 314 00:15:06,371 --> 00:15:08,996 No, she's actually a very successful 315 00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:11,080 comedian with a historic residency. 316 00:15:11,163 --> 00:15:13,788 Ava, she needs jokes on side salads! 317 00:15:15,288 --> 00:15:16,330 Huh. 318 00:15:16,413 --> 00:15:18,121 Well, we're rolling again, so... 319 00:15:18,246 --> 00:15:19,705 Yeah, us too. I gotta go. 320 00:15:19,788 --> 00:15:22,080 I'll talk to you later, bye. 321 00:15:26,121 --> 00:15:28,205 A very happy client. 322 00:15:28,288 --> 00:15:30,538 Here, you missed a call from the water guy. 323 00:15:30,621 --> 00:15:33,205 Ooh, Deb, what if we get a photo with you, like, 324 00:15:33,288 --> 00:15:35,080 with the pizza on fire, you know? 325 00:15:36,371 --> 00:15:39,121 - That's hilarious! - Don't do that. 326 00:15:40,246 --> 00:15:43,205 - Excuse me? - It's degrading. 327 00:15:43,288 --> 00:15:45,330 Degrading for who? 328 00:15:45,413 --> 00:15:47,038 You? 329 00:15:47,121 --> 00:15:49,705 Oh, and you're telling me what's degrading? 330 00:15:49,788 --> 00:15:52,288 See, I knew were judging me for that nude. 331 00:15:52,371 --> 00:15:54,038 Whoa, okay. 332 00:15:54,121 --> 00:15:55,205 You don't have to. 333 00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:57,205 No, no. I think it's funny. 334 00:15:57,288 --> 00:15:59,733 Really? 'Cause I think if you thought it was funny, 335 00:15:59,734 --> 00:16:02,455 you would have opened that package this morning. 336 00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:12,788 This is what I do. 337 00:16:12,871 --> 00:16:15,871 If you have a problem with it, you can just fuck off. 338 00:16:15,955 --> 00:16:16,996 Simone! 339 00:16:18,246 --> 00:16:20,080 Now, let's do some soot, 340 00:16:20,163 --> 00:16:22,246 tease the hair up a little bit. 341 00:16:41,496 --> 00:16:44,163 - Is she gonna kill me? - Well, that wasn't great. 342 00:16:44,246 --> 00:16:46,246 And unfortunately for you, her afternoon just freed up, 343 00:16:46,330 --> 00:16:49,455 and she does not like idle time. 344 00:16:52,621 --> 00:16:53,913 So the St. Jude's people 345 00:16:53,996 --> 00:16:56,496 rescheduled today's Skype for next week. 346 00:16:56,580 --> 00:16:59,330 Oh, okay. So then what? 347 00:16:59,413 --> 00:17:02,330 It looks like you have the rest of the afternoon off. 348 00:17:14,621 --> 00:17:15,955 Okay, I'm sorry for what I said. 349 00:17:16,038 --> 00:17:17,580 But I was just in a really... 350 00:17:17,663 --> 00:17:19,663 - Pull over. - What? 351 00:17:22,871 --> 00:17:24,996 Whoa, whoa. 352 00:17:25,913 --> 00:17:27,996 Come on! 353 00:17:33,705 --> 00:17:35,163 That's right, that's the Luxor light. 354 00:17:35,246 --> 00:17:36,621 It's the strongest light beam in the world, 355 00:17:36,705 --> 00:17:38,996 could be seen from over 300 miles away. 356 00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:40,871 Now, that's bright. 357 00:17:40,955 --> 00:17:43,246 All right, listen up, y'all. This doesn't happen often, 358 00:17:43,330 --> 00:17:46,871 but when it does, it's always a treat. 359 00:17:46,955 --> 00:17:50,246 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to present 360 00:17:50,330 --> 00:17:55,288 the Queen of Sin City herself, Ms. Deborah Vance, y'all! 361 00:17:56,913 --> 00:17:59,080 Hey, you guys, thank you! 362 00:17:59,163 --> 00:18:01,163 Thanks, sweetie. Thank you. 363 00:18:01,246 --> 00:18:02,746 Thank you, thank you. 364 00:18:02,830 --> 00:18:05,788 You know, I have lived in Vegas for almost 30 years. 365 00:18:05,871 --> 00:18:09,538 I have a story for every corner you can see. 366 00:18:09,621 --> 00:18:11,121 I mean... oh, that telephone pole, 367 00:18:11,205 --> 00:18:14,038 my daughter once wrapped her car around that pole, 368 00:18:14,121 --> 00:18:16,288 and I had to pay to replace it. 369 00:18:16,371 --> 00:18:19,121 Of course, I'm not the first person to pay for stiff wood in this town. 370 00:18:19,205 --> 00:18:20,538 What? 371 00:18:20,621 --> 00:18:22,413 Now, that's Vegas for you. 372 00:18:22,496 --> 00:18:23,788 You, sir, what do you do? 373 00:18:23,871 --> 00:18:26,538 - I'm a doctor. - Oh, I love doctors. 374 00:18:26,621 --> 00:18:28,371 Some of my most intimate relationships 375 00:18:28,455 --> 00:18:30,538 have been with doctors... 376 00:18:30,621 --> 00:18:31,746 at my physical. 377 00:18:31,830 --> 00:18:34,871 No, seriously, if you have the right health insurance, 378 00:18:34,955 --> 00:18:36,621 there is no need to date. 379 00:18:38,788 --> 00:18:41,205 Hey, you, the sad little girl with the big hands, 380 00:18:41,288 --> 00:18:44,746 where are you from? Yeah, her in the blue? 381 00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:48,996 - Los Angeles. - Ooh, Hollywood. 382 00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:50,330 You know what they say. Everybody there 383 00:18:50,413 --> 00:18:52,455 is so vapid and obsessed with image. 384 00:18:52,538 --> 00:18:54,080 Well, clearly not. 385 00:18:54,163 --> 00:18:55,580 You know, just asking for a friend, 386 00:18:55,663 --> 00:18:57,455 which landscaping company did your hair? 387 00:18:59,246 --> 00:19:03,580 Oh, I kid. I kid. I actually know this young lady. 388 00:19:03,663 --> 00:19:06,330 She is a new employee of mine. 389 00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:12,080 But she did tell me that a joke I do is degrading to me. 390 00:19:12,163 --> 00:19:14,580 And I thought, "Well, that's rich," because this morning, 391 00:19:14,663 --> 00:19:17,746 I found her taking a nude selfie. 392 00:19:17,830 --> 00:19:18,871 Uh-oh. 393 00:19:18,955 --> 00:19:20,621 Oh, no, don't get too excited. 394 00:19:20,705 --> 00:19:22,413 I haven't seen breasts that pale and sad 395 00:19:22,496 --> 00:19:24,621 since I toured the Tyson Chicken factory. 396 00:19:26,205 --> 00:19:28,455 She never toured the Tyson Chicken factory. 397 00:19:28,538 --> 00:19:30,455 Folks, you should have seen her running around all day 398 00:19:30,538 --> 00:19:32,288 refreshing that little phone. 399 00:19:32,371 --> 00:19:36,121 Didn't get one response to that nude. 400 00:19:36,205 --> 00:19:38,538 - Ouch! - Can you imagine? 401 00:19:38,621 --> 00:19:40,788 I mean, that would be like going up to Harvey Weinstein's 402 00:19:40,871 --> 00:19:43,580 hotel suite and him saying, "You know what? 403 00:19:43,663 --> 00:19:45,288 Let's just find a conference room." 404 00:19:49,538 --> 00:19:50,746 Do you think if I jumped, I'd die, 405 00:19:50,830 --> 00:19:52,413 - or just break my legs? - Shh. 406 00:19:52,496 --> 00:19:54,121 Vegas, you know, we're like Mecca, 407 00:19:54,205 --> 00:19:56,205 but instead of Muslims, we attract people 408 00:19:56,288 --> 00:19:58,871 with bad tattoos and low credit scores. 409 00:20:02,038 --> 00:20:05,288 Barry, Cara, Mommy's home. Mommy's home. 410 00:20:05,371 --> 00:20:06,621 You want a treat? Let's get a treat. 411 00:20:06,705 --> 00:20:08,538 Come on, here we go. Here we go. 412 00:20:09,621 --> 00:20:12,371 Oh, hey, thanks for the key. 413 00:20:12,455 --> 00:20:13,663 - What? - Your friend put the key 414 00:20:13,746 --> 00:20:15,163 to your apartment under your mat. 415 00:20:15,246 --> 00:20:16,830 My guy said your stuff is mostly in boxes, 416 00:20:16,913 --> 00:20:18,330 so he put them in storage. 417 00:20:18,413 --> 00:20:19,788 And I should have it rented by next week. 418 00:20:19,871 --> 00:20:22,330 Oh, okay. 419 00:20:22,413 --> 00:20:24,580 "Thank you, Marcus." 420 00:20:24,663 --> 00:20:26,413 "You look so good today, Marcus." 421 00:20:26,496 --> 00:20:30,330 That girl. Just no class. 422 00:20:35,705 --> 00:20:37,621 Hey, did you get the key? 423 00:20:37,705 --> 00:20:39,538 Yeah, I got it. 424 00:20:41,121 --> 00:20:43,163 You really shouldn't have sent that photo. 425 00:20:43,246 --> 00:20:45,746 - But you said you missed me. - I do miss you. 426 00:20:45,830 --> 00:20:47,163 As a friend. 427 00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:49,163 I'm back with Kelly, and you know that. 428 00:20:49,246 --> 00:20:51,496 Well, she didn't make you happy the first time, 429 00:20:51,580 --> 00:20:53,371 so I was just reading between the lines. 430 00:20:53,455 --> 00:20:54,871 Ava, dude. 431 00:20:54,955 --> 00:20:57,038 - I'm having déjà vu. - What? 432 00:21:00,205 --> 00:21:02,705 I hate when you yell at me in Spanish! 433 00:21:02,788 --> 00:21:05,246 I'm not that far in Duolingo. 434 00:21:05,330 --> 00:21:07,163 This is exactly why we broke up. 435 00:21:07,246 --> 00:21:08,538 You think that you know everybody 436 00:21:08,621 --> 00:21:10,580 better than they know themselves. 437 00:21:10,663 --> 00:21:13,371 Okay, you're right. I'm sorry, I... 438 00:21:14,246 --> 00:21:16,538 I'm sorry. I just... 439 00:21:18,830 --> 00:21:21,121 I'm just having a really hard time, you know? 440 00:21:21,205 --> 00:21:25,080 I wanna work on stuff that's... I don't know, meaningful. 441 00:21:25,163 --> 00:21:27,163 I'm just spending my days writing for this woman 442 00:21:27,246 --> 00:21:29,163 who... she just kicks people when they're down, 443 00:21:29,246 --> 00:21:30,830 including herself. 444 00:21:30,913 --> 00:21:34,330 Well, that must be hard on you. 445 00:21:36,038 --> 00:21:37,538 How's your dad doing? 446 00:21:37,621 --> 00:21:41,455 He's... alive. 447 00:21:41,538 --> 00:21:44,246 Okay, back to what's actually important. 448 00:21:44,330 --> 00:21:46,913 So I'm hearing that you didn't like the nude? 449 00:21:46,996 --> 00:21:49,455 Is that possible? 450 00:21:49,538 --> 00:21:50,788 No comment. 451 00:21:50,871 --> 00:21:53,163 Hey, if you're in Vegas, 452 00:21:53,246 --> 00:21:56,121 you really need to start wearing sunscreen. 453 00:21:56,205 --> 00:21:59,871 Well, yeah, but then I would have to start washing my face 454 00:21:59,955 --> 00:22:02,704 - at night, and you know I'm not gonna do that. - Mm-hmm. 455 00:22:02,705 --> 00:22:03,746 Right, of course you're not. 456 00:22:03,830 --> 00:22:05,830 Anyway, how are you? 457 00:22:05,913 --> 00:22:07,538 I'm actually great, 458 00:22:07,621 --> 00:22:09,580 but I do have to go. 459 00:22:09,663 --> 00:22:10,788 Okay. 460 00:22:10,871 --> 00:22:12,580 Bye, Ava. 461 00:22:12,663 --> 00:22:14,371 Bye. 462 00:22:19,663 --> 00:22:21,788 Oh, my God! 463 00:22:30,538 --> 00:22:32,955 Shoes off. 464 00:22:57,038 --> 00:22:58,996 Oh, and we got a call about a regional corporate retreat 465 00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:01,996 for ADT Security. They're looking for an MC. 466 00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:03,788 Any other letters I should know about? 467 00:23:03,871 --> 00:23:06,455 "K," as in 5OK. 468 00:23:06,538 --> 00:23:08,580 Huh. 469 00:23:08,663 --> 00:23:11,080 - What do you think? - I think it should be 75. 470 00:23:11,163 --> 00:23:12,538 But I can get 'em there. 471 00:23:17,580 --> 00:23:20,038 - Book it. - Love. 472 00:23:20,121 --> 00:23:23,121 And that's all I have for you today. 473 00:23:23,205 --> 00:23:26,080 Marcus, what would I do without you? 474 00:23:26,163 --> 00:23:28,955 - I think you'd be fine. - Mm. 475 00:23:29,038 --> 00:23:30,788 Oh, you know what? Have the grounds guys 476 00:23:30,871 --> 00:23:32,663 cut back on the sprinklers. I don't want to ever 477 00:23:32,746 --> 00:23:35,330 have to see that water Nazi again. 478 00:23:35,413 --> 00:23:37,121 Sure. 479 00:25:05,913 --> 00:25:07,955 Okay. 480 00:25:12,580 --> 00:25:14,080 Ladies and gentlemen, 481 00:25:14,163 --> 00:25:17,246 welcome to "Late Night with Deborah Vance." 482 00:25:17,330 --> 00:25:22,705 Please welcome the one, the only, Deborah Vance. 483 00:25:25,538 --> 00:25:27,663 Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. 484 00:25:27,746 --> 00:25:30,205 Now, do not adjust your TV sets. 485 00:25:30,288 --> 00:25:33,413 This is "Late Night," and yes, I am a woman. 486 00:25:33,496 --> 00:25:35,621 I know it's very confusing. 487 00:25:35,705 --> 00:25:37,788 My accountant didn't even know what to put on my tax returns, 488 00:25:37,871 --> 00:25:39,580 so he just wrote "mouthy broad." 489 00:25:41,955 --> 00:25:43,830 But I really love being in charge. 490 00:25:43,913 --> 00:25:46,496 My very first order of business was to make sure 491 00:25:46,580 --> 00:25:50,205 the workplace was safe for all the ladies. 492 00:25:50,288 --> 00:25:54,663 So on day one, I gave every man a pair of mittens... 493 00:25:54,746 --> 00:25:55,996 and every woman a gun. 494 00:25:58,705 --> 00:26:00,205 And that was just the start. 495 00:26:00,288 --> 00:26:03,580 Next, I instituted a breastfeeding room. 496 00:26:03,663 --> 00:26:04,996 The only problem was, 497 00:26:05,080 --> 00:26:06,788 those executives were really hungry. 498 00:26:08,455 --> 00:26:09,996 But I actually do think about this show 499 00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:12,330 the way I think about my babies. 500 00:26:12,413 --> 00:26:14,246 I conceived both with Merv Griffin. 501 00:26:15,788 --> 00:26:17,121 Knowing Merv, he's gonna wanna cancel it 502 00:26:17,205 --> 00:26:19,580 in the first trimester. 503 00:26:19,663 --> 00:26:21,830 Oh, get over it. 504 00:26:21,913 --> 00:26:25,621 Abortion is legal now, thanks to Roe v. Wade. 505 00:26:25,705 --> 00:26:27,288 And thank God, 'cause back in Berkeley, 506 00:26:27,371 --> 00:26:29,455 all we had was sophomore v. staircase. 507 00:26:38,871 --> 00:26:41,455 Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. 508 00:26:42,996 --> 00:26:45,455 Before we... 509 00:26:45,538 --> 00:26:46,955 before we say goodbye, 510 00:26:47,038 --> 00:26:50,205 there's something I just want to say. 511 00:26:50,288 --> 00:26:53,121 Tonight has been the honor of my life. 512 00:26:54,996 --> 00:26:57,913 It's always been a dream of mine, and... 513 00:26:57,996 --> 00:27:00,746 I'm just so... oh, I'm such a big baby. 514 00:27:00,830 --> 00:27:02,038 Yeah, get over here. Get over here. 515 00:27:02,121 --> 00:27:03,538 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 516 00:27:03,621 --> 00:27:05,580 I'm just so proud to host the show, 517 00:27:05,663 --> 00:27:10,246 and I'm even more proud to share it with my family. 518 00:27:10,330 --> 00:27:13,121 Frank, my husband. 519 00:27:13,205 --> 00:27:15,246 I love you. 520 00:27:15,330 --> 00:27:18,121 And Kathy, my sister and my best friend, 521 00:27:18,205 --> 00:27:22,205 and to that little munchkin who's in your arms. 522 00:27:25,830 --> 00:27:27,538 Okay. 523 00:27:27,621 --> 00:27:29,163 Okay, all right. Hang on. 524 00:27:29,246 --> 00:27:30,705 Yeah? Okay, come here, baby. 525 00:27:30,788 --> 00:27:33,413 Come here. Come here. 526 00:27:33,496 --> 00:27:35,246 Oh, all right. Can you say, 527 00:27:35,330 --> 00:27:37,788 - "See you tomorrow night"? - See you tomorrow night! 528 00:28:08,956 --> 00:28:13,956 - Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.MY-SUBS.com -