1 00:00:02,044 --> 00:00:04,755 Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience. 2 00:00:05,714 --> 00:00:08,425 - Hello, everyone. - Hey. 3 00:00:08,926 --> 00:00:11,845 Oh, come on, what kind of a greeting is that? 4 00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:16,934 When Norm comes in, you all yell, "Norm," make a big fuss over him. 5 00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:20,479 Is it asking too much for me to get the same treatment once in a while? 6 00:00:20,729 --> 00:00:24,525 - She's right. Try it again, sweetheart. - Yeah. Thanks. 7 00:00:26,818 --> 00:00:30,614 - Hello, everyone. - Norm! 8 00:00:30,989 --> 00:00:33,450 That's better. 9 00:01:51,570 --> 00:01:53,905 - Afternoon, everybody. - Norm! 10 00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:58,118 - How's life, Mr. Peterson? - I'm waiting for the movie. 11 00:01:58,327 --> 00:01:59,870 Normie, you're in early tonight. 12 00:02:00,037 --> 00:02:02,748 Yeah, I wanted to talk to you guys before this evening. 13 00:02:03,707 --> 00:02:04,916 What's this evening? 14 00:02:05,083 --> 00:02:08,003 Well, I'm meeting a prospective client and his wife here. 15 00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:11,673 He runs a huge dairy. He's looking for someone to take care of his books. 16 00:02:11,882 --> 00:02:16,970 All right. He wants to squeeze a little bit more out of his taxes there, huh? 17 00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:19,306 That's a very funny joke, Mr. Clavin. 18 00:02:19,514 --> 00:02:21,892 - You got any udders? - "Udders." 19 00:02:22,059 --> 00:02:26,396 All right, guys. This is exactly the kind of sparkling wit 20 00:02:26,605 --> 00:02:28,065 that I'm talking about, okay? 21 00:02:28,899 --> 00:02:31,151 Now, it's really important that I impress these people, 22 00:02:31,318 --> 00:02:34,488 so I'd appreciate it if you'd kind of leave me alone with the Brubakers. 23 00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:36,698 Yeah, yeah. Listen to the man, fellas. 24 00:02:36,907 --> 00:02:40,369 Don't worry, Normie, I'll keep them away from us. 25 00:02:41,036 --> 00:02:45,666 All right, Cliff, that last comment was specifically addressed to you, okay? 26 00:02:46,750 --> 00:02:48,335 What are you saying, Norm? 27 00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:51,171 What, you're ashamed of your best friend, huh? 28 00:02:51,380 --> 00:02:54,633 Afraid I'm gonna embarrass you? Afraid I'm gonna be a big bore? 29 00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:56,718 Thanks for understanding, Cliff. 30 00:02:56,885 --> 00:03:00,389 All right. All right, Norm, my lips are sealed. 31 00:03:00,597 --> 00:03:05,185 I'm mute. You won't hear another word out of me on any subject. 32 00:03:06,353 --> 00:03:08,021 How did you do it? 33 00:03:09,398 --> 00:03:12,275 Sam, I'm going to have to take a couple hours off this evening. 34 00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:16,279 Wait a minute. Our absentee waitress strikes again? 35 00:03:16,446 --> 00:03:18,365 What is it this time, bleach-bag? 36 00:03:18,865 --> 00:03:21,618 Hey, hey. Carla, do you mind? I'm the employer here. 37 00:03:21,785 --> 00:03:25,122 I'll handle this. What is it this time, bleach-bag? 38 00:03:26,164 --> 00:03:31,378 I volunteered to work the first two-hour shift on an auction for public television. 39 00:03:31,586 --> 00:03:34,172 - You'll be on TV? No kidding, huh? - Yeah. 40 00:03:34,423 --> 00:03:37,968 They're selling off celebrity belongings from the Boston area. 41 00:03:38,343 --> 00:03:43,056 We have a baton that Leinsdorf used, a letter from Henry Cabot Lodge-- 42 00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:46,518 - And nothing from Sam Malone? - Come on. 43 00:03:46,768 --> 00:03:48,103 Not such a crazy idea. 44 00:03:48,270 --> 00:03:54,818 As a matter of fact, some fellows named Yastrzemski, Bobby Orr, 45 00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:58,864 - something like Havlicek... - Yeah. 46 00:03:59,156 --> 00:04:02,492 ...have donated their athletic accoutrements. 47 00:04:03,827 --> 00:04:05,954 Would you be interested, Sam? 48 00:04:06,121 --> 00:04:08,081 Come on. I mean, I was a good athlete, 49 00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:10,834 but, I mean, those guys are superstars. 50 00:04:11,042 --> 00:04:13,211 Well, to some of us, you are too, Sammy. 51 00:04:13,378 --> 00:04:16,089 Yeah, Sam, you may not have been out there as long as those guys, 52 00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:17,966 but you were loved. 53 00:04:18,133 --> 00:04:20,260 - Please. Please. - Go ahead. Don't be embarrassed. 54 00:04:20,552 --> 00:04:23,930 No, no. I mean, please, a little louder. The rest of the bar didn't hear. 55 00:04:24,848 --> 00:04:27,184 - Then you'll do it? - Yeah, if it's for a worthy cause, 56 00:04:27,350 --> 00:04:29,519 I guess I could give them my old jersey. 57 00:04:29,686 --> 00:04:32,814 You know, old number 16. Yeah, I'm gonna do it. 58 00:04:32,981 --> 00:04:35,358 I'll make a call, and-- You know, I'll tell you what. 59 00:04:35,525 --> 00:04:39,237 If this sells, maybe I could give them some more of my athletic equipment. 60 00:04:39,404 --> 00:04:43,992 While you're at it, Sam, why don't you give them one of your old jockstraps. 61 00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:47,871 No. Too many memories. 62 00:04:54,002 --> 00:04:56,630 Now, come on, all you baseball fans out there. Our celebrities-- 63 00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:58,423 Hey, Sam, have they sold your jersey yet? 64 00:04:58,632 --> 00:05:01,802 Are you kidding? It's been on sale for half an hour. 65 00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:04,429 Sam's fans are probably clogging the switchboard. 66 00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:06,848 Come on, Carla, let's not get carried away here. 67 00:05:07,015 --> 00:05:08,767 - Mr. Brubaker? - Peterson? 68 00:05:08,975 --> 00:05:10,727 Yes, Norm Peterson. Yes. Hi. 69 00:05:10,894 --> 00:05:12,813 - This must be the lovely wife. - Yes. 70 00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:14,940 How do you do, ma'am. 71 00:05:15,106 --> 00:05:16,733 Well, come on in, folks. 72 00:05:16,942 --> 00:05:19,903 We have just a few moments till our table's ready upstairs. 73 00:05:20,070 --> 00:05:23,031 And we can just have a drink here and get acquainted. 74 00:05:23,365 --> 00:05:25,867 Just have a seat, folks. This is Cheers. 75 00:05:26,034 --> 00:05:29,996 I think you'll find it a friendly, warm, pub-like atmosphere. 76 00:05:30,205 --> 00:05:31,581 I hate bars. 77 00:05:31,748 --> 00:05:34,626 Well, I think they should be abolished, actually. 78 00:05:34,793 --> 00:05:36,962 But we just have to be here a few moments. 79 00:05:37,128 --> 00:05:40,590 Then we can go on upstairs and strap on the old feedbag. 80 00:05:40,924 --> 00:05:45,262 - There are a lot of things I can't eat. - Yes, we're both very careful. 81 00:05:45,637 --> 00:05:49,391 Well, I have a very sensitive stomach myself, so... 82 00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:54,646 Good news. We just got in those taco-flavored pork rinds you love so much. 83 00:05:57,065 --> 00:05:59,985 Friendly serving wench, you know. 84 00:06:00,318 --> 00:06:02,821 Now, come on, all you baseball fans out there. 85 00:06:03,113 --> 00:06:05,115 I'm sure one of you wanna make a bid on this 86 00:06:05,282 --> 00:06:07,409 priceless piece of baseball memorabilia 87 00:06:07,576 --> 00:06:11,413 donated by ex-Red Sox star Sam Maloney. 88 00:06:11,788 --> 00:06:14,749 - That's "Malone." - Oh, yes. Thank you for that. 89 00:06:15,166 --> 00:06:18,003 Perhaps we should meet some of our volunteers now. 90 00:06:18,169 --> 00:06:21,923 - And what is your name, miss? - Diane Chambers. 91 00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:26,511 I was just giggling with one of our callers over a joke 92 00:06:26,678 --> 00:06:29,848 - that I'd love to share with you, Bob. - Well, please. 93 00:06:30,765 --> 00:06:35,270 How many Surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? 94 00:06:37,314 --> 00:06:39,566 - How many? - The fish. 95 00:06:46,698 --> 00:06:49,451 I guess Surrealistic humor isn't your cup of fur. 96 00:06:55,540 --> 00:06:59,044 Mr. Brubaker, would you tell me a little bit about the dairy game? 97 00:06:59,210 --> 00:07:01,087 I've always felt it must be really fascinating. 98 00:07:01,296 --> 00:07:04,174 Really? Why would you think that? 99 00:07:07,010 --> 00:07:08,345 I... 100 00:07:09,512 --> 00:07:11,723 Because of all the different products. 101 00:07:12,599 --> 00:07:18,229 You have, you know, your milk, cheese and... 102 00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:23,693 Now, we still have yet to receive a single offer for this 103 00:07:23,860 --> 00:07:27,280 authentic old baseball shirt. 104 00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:33,787 Double-stitched. A very nice garment, even if you're not a baseball fan. 105 00:07:33,995 --> 00:07:36,331 - I have a bid, Bob. - You do? How much? 106 00:07:36,498 --> 00:07:38,708 - A hundred dollars, Bob. - Wonderful. 107 00:07:38,875 --> 00:07:43,380 Well, there's a very generous offer. Going once, twice, sold. 108 00:07:43,922 --> 00:07:46,716 - Yeah! - All right! Yeah. 109 00:07:47,884 --> 00:07:49,719 That's not too bad. A hundred big ones. 110 00:07:49,928 --> 00:07:52,222 - Yeah, way to go, Sam. - Mayday's back, huh? 111 00:07:52,681 --> 00:07:56,601 I just feel good to be able to do something to help out quality television. 112 00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:59,562 I think maybe we should start watching this station more often. 113 00:07:59,729 --> 00:08:02,816 Well, enough of this pledge break. Let's get back to our program. 114 00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:06,194 Hydro-Mulching: How Much? How Soon? 115 00:08:07,445 --> 00:08:10,073 Okay, wrestling. 116 00:08:15,745 --> 00:08:19,124 - Hi, Sam. I'm back. - Hey, get in here. 117 00:08:19,290 --> 00:08:21,376 So, what'd you think, huh? Hundred bucks. 118 00:08:21,543 --> 00:08:22,669 That's not too bad, is it? 119 00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:27,424 Yes, the station asked me to convey their appreciation 120 00:08:27,632 --> 00:08:30,093 - to you for helping them out. - Oh, well, I was glad to. 121 00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:31,928 I mean, that's my favorite station. 122 00:08:32,721 --> 00:08:34,264 - It is? - Yeah, yeah. 123 00:08:34,431 --> 00:08:37,559 I especially like those two guys that talk about the day's events. 124 00:08:37,976 --> 00:08:41,646 - MacNeil, Lehrer? - No, no. Bert and Ernie. 125 00:08:43,481 --> 00:08:46,359 Oh, wait a minute. Unless... Maybe that's their last names. 126 00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:48,820 - Could be. - Anyway, listen. 127 00:08:48,987 --> 00:08:52,240 I was thinking maybe I should donate a few more of my baseball treasures. 128 00:08:52,449 --> 00:08:54,784 You know, like, I got some hats in here. 129 00:08:54,951 --> 00:08:56,745 - No. - Sam. Sam. 130 00:08:56,953 --> 00:08:59,456 - I really don't think that's necessary. - Oh, hey, listen. 131 00:08:59,622 --> 00:09:01,499 We got 100 bucks for my jersey. 132 00:09:01,708 --> 00:09:04,961 We could be looking at a thou for the whole Sam Malone package. 133 00:09:05,128 --> 00:09:07,130 Let me just call these folks here. 134 00:09:09,966 --> 00:09:11,926 I bought the jersey. 135 00:09:13,136 --> 00:09:16,514 - You did? - Yes, I did. 136 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,768 Well, I know you don't like to sleep alone, 137 00:09:19,934 --> 00:09:21,394 but why didn't you come to me? 138 00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:29,235 I couldn't bear just seeing it sit there and nobody bidding on it. 139 00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:33,156 I felt sort of responsible, and the station let me buy it. 140 00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:36,993 Well, why'd you do that? I mean, you barely gave it a chance, really. 141 00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:39,079 What difference does it make? It's over. 142 00:09:39,245 --> 00:09:42,874 The station has their money, and you have your jersey back. 143 00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,752 Well... 144 00:09:46,461 --> 00:09:49,089 No, I want you to take that back. 145 00:09:49,839 --> 00:09:53,343 Truth is, I haven't thought about baseball in a long time. 146 00:09:53,510 --> 00:09:57,263 Seeing that jersey up there with all those great athletes' stuff 147 00:09:57,472 --> 00:10:00,141 just, you know, kind of got my juices going again. 148 00:10:00,391 --> 00:10:02,852 Come on, take it back. It'll sell. I know it will. 149 00:10:03,061 --> 00:10:05,688 - Come on. - Okay, Sam. Sure. 150 00:10:05,897 --> 00:10:07,565 - Maybe it will. - Yeah. 151 00:10:07,732 --> 00:10:12,320 - Maybe I responded prematurely. - Thank you. 152 00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:15,907 I'll leave it up there until it sells or ends up on Mr. Bobo's table. 153 00:10:16,074 --> 00:10:18,868 There you-- There you go. That's the spirit. 154 00:10:21,830 --> 00:10:24,415 Diane? Can I...? 155 00:10:25,834 --> 00:10:28,503 - Yes, Sam. - I'm sorry, whose table? 156 00:10:32,841 --> 00:10:34,717 Mr. Bobo's table. 157 00:10:36,094 --> 00:10:38,930 - What's that? - That's where things are put 158 00:10:39,722 --> 00:10:41,516 when they aren't sold. 159 00:10:43,226 --> 00:10:45,687 - Well, then what happens? - You don't wanna know. 160 00:10:45,854 --> 00:10:47,897 Yes, I do. Tell me. 161 00:10:48,690 --> 00:10:53,528 In the last ten minutes of the telethon, a chimpanzee, Mr. Bobo, 162 00:10:55,572 --> 00:10:58,324 draws viewers' names out of a coconut, 163 00:10:58,491 --> 00:11:00,785 and they give the things away. 164 00:11:03,037 --> 00:11:04,873 You mean that egghead station of yours 165 00:11:05,039 --> 00:11:07,959 lets some dumb animal choose who gets the prizes? 166 00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:10,837 That 'dumb animal," as you called him, 167 00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:14,883 was part of a language experiment at Cornell University. 168 00:11:15,091 --> 00:11:18,094 He has a vocabulary of 500 words. 169 00:11:18,553 --> 00:11:22,473 Five-- Oh, come on, Diane, I find that completely... 170 00:11:25,393 --> 00:11:27,979 - I'd better hurry. - Yeah, hurry. 171 00:11:28,646 --> 00:11:32,358 Wait. Dubious! Yeah, dubious. 172 00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:34,527 Volunteers are standing by to take your calls... 173 00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:37,697 Sam, I'm getting a little worried. Nobody's made a bid on your jersey 174 00:11:37,864 --> 00:11:40,617 - since they put it back on sale. - It's only been an hour. 175 00:11:40,909 --> 00:11:42,535 They just gotta give it a chance, that's all. 176 00:11:42,827 --> 00:11:46,206 --Keep this station alive. Oh, and look who's here. 177 00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:49,876 It's Mr. Bobo. Isn't he impressive? 178 00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:54,047 We'll be seeing more of Mr. Bobo in the later stages of our auction. 179 00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:56,049 Thank you for stopping by, Mr. Bobo. 180 00:11:56,507 --> 00:11:59,260 You know, all of a sudden, I don't think I can stick it out 181 00:11:59,427 --> 00:12:00,720 and watch that old jersey sell. 182 00:12:00,929 --> 00:12:03,181 I'm getting kind of sentimental. 183 00:12:03,389 --> 00:12:05,600 Just wish somebody would buy the damn thing. 184 00:12:05,767 --> 00:12:07,644 Oh, what are you worried about? 185 00:12:07,810 --> 00:12:11,773 There are thousands of baseball fans out there who remember Sam Malone 186 00:12:11,940 --> 00:12:14,192 and who would kill to have a souvenir of him. 187 00:12:14,525 --> 00:12:18,112 Carla, from your lips to God's ears. I think somebody's making a bid there. 188 00:12:18,279 --> 00:12:20,823 Well, this is interesting. We have a lady on the phone 189 00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:26,162 who wants to buy old number 16 here for the sum of $200. 190 00:12:26,955 --> 00:12:29,332 All right, huh? 191 00:12:29,499 --> 00:12:32,752 That's just wonderful. I'm going to tell Sam personally. 192 00:12:33,670 --> 00:12:40,426 No, no. No check. I'll pay cash and pick up the jersey later. 193 00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:51,521 Damn. 194 00:12:53,022 --> 00:12:55,858 - It's all right. I don't blame you. - Yeah. 195 00:12:56,025 --> 00:12:58,444 After all, we both had the same fear, that it wouldn't sell, 196 00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:00,989 and you'd be humiliated. 197 00:13:01,572 --> 00:13:02,699 Shamed. 198 00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:06,160 - Disgraced in front of... - Thank you. Thank you. 199 00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:11,457 You know, they used to cheer when I walked out of the bullpen. 200 00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:15,837 I mean, just the sight of old number 16 would start them off. 201 00:13:16,004 --> 00:13:18,715 Now, see, those were great days. 202 00:13:18,923 --> 00:13:23,344 Yes, they were. But you have more great days ahead. 203 00:13:23,511 --> 00:13:26,514 You have a real job now, and friends. 204 00:13:26,681 --> 00:13:28,516 And you've got your health. 205 00:13:29,934 --> 00:13:31,477 God, that's low. 206 00:13:32,395 --> 00:13:34,731 - What is? - The health crack. 207 00:13:34,981 --> 00:13:36,983 - Well, all I meant was... - I know what you meant. 208 00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:40,611 That was pity talking. You don't tell somebody they still have their health 209 00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:43,239 unless what you mean is that's all they've got. 210 00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:45,533 - Forget I said it. - No, I'm not gonna forget it. 211 00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:47,869 You told me I had good health. I'm not gonna take that. 212 00:13:50,872 --> 00:13:53,833 - Sam, you're sick. - It's too late to make up. 213 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,627 You know something? You were pitying me, 214 00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:59,547 and if there's one thing I can't stand from you, it's pity. 215 00:13:59,714 --> 00:14:03,801 You know, what the hell. I'm gonna put that jersey back in the auction. 216 00:14:04,010 --> 00:14:07,138 - And it's gonna sell. - Well, I hope it does. 217 00:14:07,305 --> 00:14:10,141 No, it's gonna sell because I said it's gonna sell. 218 00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:14,312 Thank you very much for reminding me that I have a little self-respect left. 219 00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:16,814 That I have some pride in who I am. Hello? 220 00:14:17,023 --> 00:14:19,400 I'd like to return that young man's jersey. 221 00:14:20,651 --> 00:14:23,696 And so the woodchuck says to the lumberjack, 222 00:14:23,946 --> 00:14:25,990 "I was talking to the log." 223 00:14:27,325 --> 00:14:30,703 I never much cared for jokes in which animals speak. 224 00:14:31,788 --> 00:14:33,581 - Let's go. - No, no. Neither do I. 225 00:14:33,790 --> 00:14:38,086 I used that as a kind of awful joke a mediocre accountant might use. 226 00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:41,798 Can we have some coffee? What do you say? 227 00:14:41,964 --> 00:14:43,591 No, thank you. It keeps me awake. 228 00:14:44,008 --> 00:14:46,511 Well, I can see why you wouldn't want that. 229 00:14:46,677 --> 00:14:50,223 No, sir. Come on. We haven't discussed business at all, sir. 230 00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:53,393 I really think we ought to just have a spot of something. What do you say? 231 00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:56,687 - Well, I'd like a glass of water. - Specialty of the house. 232 00:14:56,854 --> 00:14:59,857 Come on, sit down. Sit down, and I'll just run up to the bar 233 00:15:00,024 --> 00:15:02,068 and get it myself. It'll be much quicker that way. 234 00:15:02,276 --> 00:15:05,113 Just keep the old party going, you know. 235 00:15:05,279 --> 00:15:08,282 Cliff. Man, I'm in Death Valley over here. 236 00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:10,910 Help me out. Woody, give me a glass of water. 237 00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:14,539 Just help me out, will you? Just come on over and just talk a little bit. 238 00:15:14,705 --> 00:15:19,710 Who, me, Norm? The laughingstock, windbag, the boob? 239 00:15:20,628 --> 00:15:24,090 All right, I'm really sorry for whatever I may have said this afternoon. 240 00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:26,551 I just didn't know what these people would be like. 241 00:15:26,717 --> 00:15:28,344 Oh, yeah? What are they like, Norm? 242 00:15:28,553 --> 00:15:30,221 They're like... 243 00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:32,807 Like dead people without the rouge. 244 00:15:35,852 --> 00:15:38,771 Sorry, Norm. Can't help you out. 245 00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:41,357 All right, there's something you should know. 246 00:15:41,566 --> 00:15:45,194 Listen, I found out over dinner that both their fathers were postmen. 247 00:15:47,989 --> 00:15:50,116 Postal brats? 248 00:15:50,324 --> 00:15:52,952 Normie, Normie, Normie, you should have said so. 249 00:15:53,119 --> 00:15:56,080 Stand aside, me bucko, and I'll take care of the rest. 250 00:15:57,915 --> 00:16:01,210 So your parents wore the colors, huh? 251 00:16:01,377 --> 00:16:05,923 Well, I didn't follow my father into the service. And Henry's in milk. 252 00:16:06,215 --> 00:16:09,177 Oh, well, that explains the lovely complexion. 253 00:16:09,343 --> 00:16:12,638 - Well, thank you. - Oh, yeah, yours too. 254 00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:16,642 So, you know, speaking of milk, here's a little-known fact. 255 00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:19,562 The cow was domesticated by the Mesopotamians. 256 00:16:19,770 --> 00:16:21,105 - Oh, no. - Yeah, that's right. 257 00:16:21,272 --> 00:16:24,859 In fact, it wasn't originally a milk-bearing animal. Oh, no. 258 00:16:25,443 --> 00:16:28,404 It was originally used as a guard animal for the Chinese emperors 259 00:16:28,571 --> 00:16:31,574 during the Chung King dynasty. 260 00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:35,244 Just when you think you know an animal. 261 00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:37,788 Well, allow me to elucidate. 262 00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:40,583 Thank you, Norm. Get me a beer, will you? 263 00:16:41,459 --> 00:16:44,086 Yeah. Theory was that the intruder would step on a cow pie... 264 00:16:44,253 --> 00:16:45,671 - How we doing? - Great. 265 00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:48,049 - They keep talking about your jersey. - Really? 266 00:16:48,382 --> 00:16:51,719 And still no bids for the jersey time forgot. 267 00:16:51,886 --> 00:16:55,014 - Donations can be made by check... - I'd make a big donation 268 00:16:55,181 --> 00:16:57,433 if I could go a couple of rounds with that guy. 269 00:16:57,642 --> 00:17:01,896 Sam, would you relax? I'm your biggest fan, I'm not worried. 270 00:17:02,104 --> 00:17:04,482 That jersey is gonna sell, and for a wad. 271 00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:07,568 - You think so? - Absolutely. Money in the bank. 272 00:17:07,777 --> 00:17:10,655 Just stop doubting yourself and trust me. 273 00:17:10,905 --> 00:17:12,532 You're right. What am I doing? 274 00:17:12,949 --> 00:17:15,201 Woody, how much have we raised? 275 00:17:16,285 --> 00:17:21,374 We got $116 and a pledge for a quart of buttermilk. 276 00:17:23,292 --> 00:17:24,961 What are you do--? What's going on? 277 00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:28,256 Oh, Sam, we're just trying to help. 278 00:17:28,464 --> 00:17:30,550 Well, I don't need your help. 279 00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:34,053 Nobody goes near the telephone. You hear me? Nobody. 280 00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:36,138 Well, I think we're gonna have to move on. 281 00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:39,642 I'm afraid we're gonna have to take the Malone jersey off the bidding table 282 00:17:39,809 --> 00:17:43,563 to make room for this ingenious potato-powered clock. 283 00:17:45,690 --> 00:17:50,152 We'll be seeing more of the jersey on Mr. Bobo's portion of the show. 284 00:17:50,361 --> 00:17:52,905 One of the things folks love about public television 285 00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:55,783 - is the fact we show no commercials. - Sam, I'm sorry. 286 00:17:56,617 --> 00:17:59,161 That's okay. Well. 287 00:17:59,328 --> 00:18:01,330 This is it, huh? The end of an era. 288 00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:08,879 Well, maybe I can finally put my career in perspective. 289 00:18:09,380 --> 00:18:11,340 Enjoy it for what it was. 290 00:18:11,507 --> 00:18:16,971 I was a small player in a big town. But that's okay. That's okay. I had-- 291 00:18:17,221 --> 00:18:19,640 I had some laughs, some good times, some bad times. 292 00:18:21,142 --> 00:18:26,314 And now, I guess I'm no longer Sam Malone, ex-baseball player. 293 00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:30,818 I'm Sam Malone, ex-ex-baseball player. 294 00:18:31,068 --> 00:18:33,613 Just an average guy doing an average job. 295 00:18:33,779 --> 00:18:35,406 That's something I can be proud of. 296 00:18:35,573 --> 00:18:39,660 Hold everything. We've had a $300 bid on Sam Malone's jersey. 297 00:18:39,869 --> 00:18:42,747 All right! Oh, I own this burg! 298 00:18:45,916 --> 00:18:47,460 - Wait a minute. Wait a minute. - Sam... 299 00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:49,003 Did any of you do it? 300 00:18:49,211 --> 00:18:51,631 Come on, just admit it if you did it. Please. 301 00:18:51,839 --> 00:18:53,507 Honest, Sam. Nobody here bought it. 302 00:18:54,258 --> 00:18:57,970 Hey, do you think we have enough for that potato-powered clock? 303 00:18:59,764 --> 00:19:02,725 They bought my jersey. Three hundred bucks. 304 00:19:03,017 --> 00:19:04,560 Sammy, I got a great idea. 305 00:19:04,727 --> 00:19:07,104 Why don't you call, have that guy who bought it come here. 306 00:19:07,271 --> 00:19:09,857 - You could autograph it for him. - You can take pictures, 307 00:19:10,024 --> 00:19:12,026 - send them to the newspaper. - That's a good idea. 308 00:19:12,193 --> 00:19:16,113 It's a terrible idea. Sam, don't you see what's happening? 309 00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:19,367 - What? - This is a last desperate grasp 310 00:19:19,533 --> 00:19:23,329 - at glory that you just said was over. - Oh, come on. Lighten up, will you? 311 00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:25,414 Do you have to take the fun out of everything? 312 00:19:25,623 --> 00:19:27,458 Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot. You do. 313 00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:32,254 You're a delight, Clifford. 314 00:19:32,421 --> 00:19:34,632 Oh, enchanté, Enid. 315 00:19:36,509 --> 00:19:38,094 Drive carefully, huh? 316 00:19:38,469 --> 00:19:41,222 What? What? Where are they going? Where are they going? 317 00:19:41,764 --> 00:19:43,557 Henry's gotta get up early in the morning, 318 00:19:43,724 --> 00:19:46,185 and Enid's sciatica's flaring up again. 319 00:19:46,394 --> 00:19:47,728 Oh, what that woman endures. 320 00:19:47,937 --> 00:19:49,980 Forget her, what about me? Did I get the job? 321 00:19:50,356 --> 00:19:53,359 Oh, jeez, Norm. Norm, I forgot to ask. 322 00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:56,612 Hey, look, don't worry. I'll bring it up this weekend. 323 00:19:57,947 --> 00:19:59,115 This weekend? 324 00:19:59,323 --> 00:20:01,534 Yeah, they invited me up to the farm. 325 00:20:01,784 --> 00:20:05,079 Forty-eight hours of Charades, food and Yahtzee. 326 00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:17,091 - Sam Malone? - Yeah. Hey, everybody. 327 00:20:17,258 --> 00:20:19,593 - I want you to meet a Mayday fan. - I'm Bert Simpson. 328 00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:23,055 Bert, hi. Sam Malone. Oh, Diane, come on over here and meet Bert. 329 00:20:25,599 --> 00:20:27,101 - Hello, Bert. - How are you? 330 00:20:27,268 --> 00:20:29,562 Well, this must be pretty thrilling for you. 331 00:20:29,770 --> 00:20:31,897 - Did you see me pitch at Fenway? - No. 332 00:20:32,898 --> 00:20:35,651 - Caught me on the tube then, huh? - Not really. 333 00:20:35,818 --> 00:20:37,445 Actually, I've never heard of you. 334 00:20:37,945 --> 00:20:41,490 But to tell the truth, I wouldn't know a baseball from a meatball. 335 00:20:42,158 --> 00:20:45,327 Boy, catch me having spaghetti at his house. 336 00:20:48,748 --> 00:20:50,750 Why don't you just let me sign that thing for you, 337 00:20:50,916 --> 00:20:52,376 and you can get the hell out of here. 338 00:20:52,585 --> 00:20:54,712 I have no interest in that. I thought you might like it back. 339 00:20:54,879 --> 00:20:57,339 Why did you buy it if you didn't want it? 340 00:20:57,506 --> 00:20:59,884 Oh, frankly, it was getting on my nerves. 341 00:21:00,050 --> 00:21:03,721 I mean, the thing kept coming back. 342 00:21:05,723 --> 00:21:09,769 Finally I said to myself, "It's for a worthy cause. 343 00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:13,147 Put the damn thing out of its misery." 344 00:21:16,567 --> 00:21:19,361 Excuse me. Can I see you in my office? 345 00:21:19,528 --> 00:21:21,614 Gee, Sam, I'm awfully busy right now. 346 00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:24,408 No hurry. Whenever you have a minute. 347 00:21:24,617 --> 00:21:28,245 - Now, Sam... - Relax, relax. What's the matter? 348 00:21:31,624 --> 00:21:34,877 You're upset. You're humiliated. 349 00:21:35,044 --> 00:21:36,295 And you're angry. 350 00:21:37,588 --> 00:21:41,175 This shirt thing has been an emotional roller coaster for you, 351 00:21:41,342 --> 00:21:45,012 and you want someone on whom to vent your frustration. 352 00:21:45,638 --> 00:21:50,184 Come on, take a look at me. Do I look upset? Do I look angry? 353 00:21:51,644 --> 00:21:54,146 - Then why'd you drag me in here? - Well, because I know 354 00:21:54,313 --> 00:21:57,274 that you were just dying to call me a big dope. 355 00:21:57,483 --> 00:22:00,236 - No. Not me. - Yeah. 356 00:22:00,694 --> 00:22:04,198 I thought I'd give you a chance to do it privately. 357 00:22:04,949 --> 00:22:07,034 - I see what you're doing. - What? 358 00:22:07,201 --> 00:22:11,997 You want an excuse to blow up and let it all out so you'll feel better. 359 00:22:12,206 --> 00:22:15,876 And you want me to provide the excuse. Well, I'm not falling for that. 360 00:22:16,043 --> 00:22:17,670 I am not gonna blow up. 361 00:22:17,837 --> 00:22:20,589 I just think that we're not gonna be able to lay this thing to rest 362 00:22:20,756 --> 00:22:22,424 until you call me a big dope. 363 00:22:22,591 --> 00:22:24,677 It's what's in your mind, so why not just say it. 364 00:22:24,844 --> 00:22:27,555 Get it over with, and we'll go on with our lives. 365 00:22:29,306 --> 00:22:30,140 No. 366 00:22:31,851 --> 00:22:35,896 Well, I really wish you would. I think it would be good for me to hear. 367 00:22:38,899 --> 00:22:41,443 - Well, maybe you should... - I knew it! 368 00:22:41,652 --> 00:22:44,113 I knew it! I knew you couldn't keep your big fat mouth shut. 369 00:22:44,363 --> 00:22:46,699 Oh, God, you think you know everything, don't you? 370 00:22:46,949 --> 00:22:50,786 In your entire life, you've never said, "I don't know," or, "I think this." 371 00:22:50,953 --> 00:22:54,123 Or, "In my humble opinion." Oh, no, you always just say this. 372 00:22:54,290 --> 00:22:57,501 And you just say that. This, that! This, that! You know, you're nuts. 373 00:22:57,668 --> 00:23:00,546 You are crazy. And in your twisted little mind, you probably think 374 00:23:00,754 --> 00:23:03,257 you're gonna make me crazy just like you made Frasier crazy, 375 00:23:03,424 --> 00:23:05,968 just like you make everybody crazy. But you won't make me crazy. 376 00:23:06,135 --> 00:23:07,595 You wanna know why? I'm gonna tell you why 377 00:23:07,761 --> 00:23:09,430 you're not gonna make me crazy. Are you listening? 378 00:23:09,597 --> 00:23:11,891 Here it comes. I don't know! 379 00:23:12,057 --> 00:23:14,351 I'll tell you something else. You don't know either. 380 00:23:14,518 --> 00:23:16,937 Nobody knows why you're not gonna make me crazy. 381 00:23:17,229 --> 00:23:20,900 So stick that in your hat and smoke it. 382 00:23:27,781 --> 00:23:30,034 - Thank you. - Anytime.